55 | Why Did God Allow You to Marry a Narcissist?

[@Firdouse3737]

Dr.Mona, I can't thank you enough for answering my questions in the comments section a few weeks ago through this podcast. Thank you so much for making me understand that it *wasn't* Allah who sent my soon to be ex narc into my life but that it was Shaitan and Allah has only allowed him to enter my life so that I become a better Muslim... for all these 7 years I had suffered not knowing how and why I ended up with my narc husband, I finally have answers subhanAllah.... As you rightly said, the information/knowledge that Allah lets you have about Narcissism for the first time, is not a co-incidence. When I heard one of Omar Suleiman's lectures on youtube a year ago titled "Vocabulary of a Narcissist" that was the very first time in my life I came across a term called narcissist..Then I wanted to know who these people were and ended up knowing it was my husband. Then Allah directed me to your book and your podcasts on KZbin..wallahi I'm telling you this was not random...that is why I believe educating oneself about Narcissism is the key to leaving such relationships. I was so naive for 5.5 years being married to my husband. People like Yasmin Mogahed talks elaborately about Unhealthy attachments...that's helped me too...but the way you have explained co-dependency is accurate... sorry for the long comment...May Allah reward you for your amazing work...May he make every single podcast of yours a sadaqa jariyah for you... Each time I listen to your podcast I feel like listening to a teacher teaching me...❤

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

Thank you for your feedback, and you’re most welcome I’m glad it helped you come to peace with it alhamdulilah ♥️ it’s an important subject to discuss as it affects the iman of a lot of people - and Ameen jazaki Allah khair x

[@GalaxyisAmazing]

thank you for your personal insight, it is very helpful to know there are others suffering too in similar situations. Inshallah Allah bless you in your life and give you sakoon

[@kokoxx2424]

Selam Sister! Al Hamdulillah for you escaping the evil in your household...have to share with you that just yesterday I watched the same Khutba from Sheikh Suleiman...and today this video popped up 1st on my yt :) Allah guided me the same exakt route as you ❤ Al Hamdulillah for the mercy of understanding and learning. Jazak Allahu khairan

[@faatimah_m]

Subhanallah this podcast is really shedding so much of light. Whilst I was in the devaluation phase last year, I kept thinking to myself it actually feels haraam to be in this marriage and I used to have so much of anxiety because I felt like I’m involved in a huge sin - within a few months I was relieved and out Alhamdulillah. Every single day I’m so grateful that Allah took me out of that toxicity.

[@Saba61389]

Oh. My. God. This episode blew me away! Wow so many burning questions that I’ve had for years were answered on here. May Allah reward you immensely for all this. 💜

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

Alhamdulilah ♥️

[@Silver_lining1]

I asked myself this so many times. Barak Allah feeki for putting things into perspective 🙏

[@nayabkhan7615]

This is healing me so much.. I am going through so much mental stress and confusion.. May Allah show me a way out.. Right now I am stuck bc of baby..

[@madeeharahman3406]

may allah make it easy for u

[@Ali-bd-c7]

Wow 💯💥thank you. I have been looking for answers for over 20 years 🙏

[@licessss]

My narcissistic husband lied to me that he prays everyday and wanted me to become a shia. I’m a sunni. And tried to manipulate me that my prayers are not going to be accepted by Allah. I didn’t know he was lying about his prayers and lied about so many more. I realized it after we married and lived together. And now after 3 months of marriage he dumped me by my fathers house and requested for divorce. And after all of this and thanks to the people in my surrounding I understand that he is a narcissist and have no fear to Allah….

[@discoveringclouds6198]

Girl! You are SAVED! Stay away from him! Stay safe and do as much self care as possible. Don’t get pregnant by him. Just save yourself please

[@farzanaaniq658]

Did you know he was shiya ?

[@KandR101]

It had been 30 years , a child of strong narrcissit and a codependant lived in a joint family with narrcissits , an empath who had fought many battles and wars and got the short end of the stick. I worked on self-development , self-awerness and people like you are adding on to it , Alhamdulliah but fighting solo and having no way out as of now . When you do you get sucked in over and over again because of the parents . Now being hated person in the family on top . Lost for words as to what goes on everyday without a fail since childhood.

[@FJ-gc5zd]

Been there my self, it’s nothing but a trial, you find happiness only through getting closer to Allah increase the number of prayers recite Quran ask Allah to grant sabr and guide you, Allah wants you to pass the project He handed over to you cause He knows you can survive it even though your not qualified for it, so ask guidance from Allah and see the difference in heart and mind, become invincible, hope this helps May Allah guide you Aameen

[@amadiyusuf255]

Thank you, Dr. Mona. This podcast was really inspiring and uplifting.

[@sal13luckyforme]

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ Dr Mona Allah bless you , your words create so much clarity and understanding. My marriage was exactly like you have described… I had so many red flags and so many revelations from Allah swt but so sadly my fears blinded me to the extent that I wasted 27 years of my life . No one ever told me or educated me on this damaging behaviour … only now I am learning as accessing information is much easier now . It’s important for parents to educate their children on these topics . Thank you a million times over for sharing your wisdom and knowledge. ❤

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

You’re most welcome ♥️

[@centeredmuslim3436]

This is absolutely fantastic. May Allah bless you Dr Mona.

[@blossomuk]

This was a great video! I accepted the man I married for all his qualities. It just so happened he wasn't who he appeared to be before marriage.

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

Usually the case 😄

[@tazmanianfun6175]

JazakAllah khair. Your podcasts are so enlightening that I am learning so much!

[@lubnabellary]

Thankyou .I have soo much relief after listening ur video.❤who r suffering from narc abused husband r blessed by Allah 😊

[@slickperspective]

Thanks Dr Mona. This is a lesson for me as a man! My wife is a certified narcissist. It's been 4 years now, with one 4 yo son who's currently living with her. Tbh, I was hesistant for a 2nd child, until I found out that she's in the narcissist club...several days ago (!), now I know why Allah Taayla may have sent an angel to whisper into my ear, "don't, just don't". Mashallah. Dr, I am planning to bring my wife to the Islamic center for counselling. If she doesn't obey Allah Taayla but happy to be a narcissist, then that's the answer. Thanks again Dr Mona, thank you. This is lesson for me.

[@madeeharahman3406]

narcissistic people won’t change so stop wasting your time on her and focus on wht shud be done immediately for the well-being of u and your kid . may allah make it easy for u

[@Fifi313-55]

I was and still am abused by a narcissist. I come from a home with childhood trauma and physical mental abuse. I am also autistic so I was such an easy prey.

[@nazleapetersen8599]

Shukran sister❤It's my first listen to your podcast....as a Muslima that just came out of a narcissistic marriage also buried a son afterwards, Alhamdulillah I made the way out,yet still recovering from all the abuse and having my heart ripped out with the burial of our son few months after breaking free was devasting....Allah wanted me to hear this cause I feel at the lowest of low for one that came from Hajj 2023😢shukran for telling me my stories on every podcast I listened thusfar😢

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

I’m glad it’s helping you alhamdulilah ♥️

[@usheikh14]

Another great podcast sis. Do you agree that while there’s more social media presence and awareness about narcissism, there still isn’t enough mainstream awareness of this in terms of diagnosis etc by professionals who diagnose patients with other disorders such as BPD. I feel like narcissism is very misunderstood in the mainstream sense which is why I believe work like yours, especially within islamic discourse needs to be pushed out more.

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

Thank you sis ♥️ and yes, because narcissism isn’t seen as a spiritual problem. Many top psychiatrists aren’t religious, so they can’t connect the disorder to a spiritual problem. A lot of Muslim sheikhs will avoid this subject too because they don’t understand the psychological aspect to it.

[@putocuchinta]

i needed this video so much, thank you. JazakAllah khairan.

[@missa.a7678]

I did not choose was forced to marry him, I cried on the day and begged parents not to put me there, only to be abused by him on the first day and continue for 30 years. I did not choose. I cried and prayed to Allah and my parents not to but me threw this. I took it as qadr of Allah, not knowing about narc . He was a religious vunerable and covert narcissist who was a spoilt golden child who would throw tantrums even at the age of 52. So why was I put in that situation, I didn't choose it. Why was my prayers not accepted. I did everything the right away in terms of Islam and my duties.. I still wish I could understand it. I know I am a good empathetic Muslim so I was send to him by shaitan to ruin me and he is a narc so I was sent to him by Allah to help him be a better person? Whichever way I am the one suffering. As for being strong when you put in the deep end you have no option but to handle it and survive. May I have clarification for this please. My imaan is strong but I struggle with this question. The abuse although covert religion vunerable that included physical abuse.. I am not hating myself for marrying him as I didn't want to, so why was I put in that place. I am angry and very bitter about my situation. If you can help clarify this it will help my mental state and understand alot

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

Salaam sis, I’m sorry to know this. The general answer is this: Allah didn’t send this man to you. Unfortunately so many Muslim cultures are so toxic, pagan and backwards and they still engage in the forbidden practice of forcing their female relatives into marriages they don’t want for their own social and financial gains. So, this would firstly be an act of oppression on behalf of your parents and you had the right to refuse and even take it up with a Shariah court judge. Ali (ra) narrated that The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: “There is no obedience to anyone if it is disobedience to Allah. Verily, obedience is only in good conduct.” (Bukhari) This includes the parents. Here, they are forcing you into something that is unlawful, because Allah has forbidden forced marriage. Now, I understand you may have been very young and unaware of this at the time, but your situation is what the outcome of it is. Shaykh Ibn Taymiyyah (ra) said: “With regard to giving a woman in marriage when she is reluctant, this is contrary to the basic principles and common sense. How can a father force her into sleeping with and living with someone she does not want to sleep with, and living with someone she does not want to live with?” If a woman agrees to the man her parents are pressurising her into marrying, then the marriage is valid. However, if she doesn’t agree and is forced, then the marriage is invalid. The Prophet (pbuh) said: “The virgin should not be given in marriage until her permission has been sought.” (Bukhari) So, because the marriage is invalid it will be toxic and there will be no blessings in it and Allah has been sending you many signs for 30 years for you to be brave and leave a relationship that isn’t lawful, joyful or healthy, to save you… but your fears kept you there. Again, this goes back to deep rooted codependency. Perhaps this is an educational journey for you, to learn to stand up for your rights, even against your parents, because if you don’t, then you will live a life of misery. Until you learn this, what you went through could be an expiation of your sins inshallah, because you’re a victim of oppression. However, as a married woman you have the choice to take up your rights of divorce and leave. Until you learn this, you won’t understand why life is difficult for you. You need to be brave and take yourself out of your own misery, because you have the ability to do that. You’re allowing yourself to remain in an oppressive situation for the second time, when Allah gave you rights and ways out of both of them. Hope that answers your question inshallah.

[@missa.a7678]

@@themuslimnarcissistbook I did divorce him 10 months ago, as soon as I understood it was narcissist I was dealing with. A covert religion vunerable. I studied the whole narcissist before taking this step. He was and is 5 times Salah. But he was abusive and also time to time physical abusive and I was or am not mentally there because of the covert and passive abuse. My parents I have bitterness and angry and try to forgive them. I have a good relationship with them as they have been there for me but cannot help that they but me in that situation. Yes it was horrible and I was physical abused by him on the first night and onwards to sleep with him. Certain trauma or past hurt I cannot heal with. I cannot stop thinking it was not my decision and why did I have unjust from my parents and 30 years of abuse from him. It's painful that dispute not wanting him I made it work thinking it's qadar Allah as we are taught but I cannot help thinking it's unjust done to me.. In terms of marriage being invalid later in years I accepted the marriage and I have kids with him. If the marriage was invalid what about my kids. And if it is invalid I did not choose to me in a invalid marriage. I finally took the courage to leave as it was getting worse the physical got to stage that I had to go hospital. I understood narcissist thank to all those who have so much information on social platforms that saved my life. But healing and getting our this trauma damage and injustice I am struggling. I am looking for Islamic reasons and view and make sense of this whole situation. See for me to take any action I need to understand it. Somehow I learned about narc 2 years ago and educated myself then looked and narc Islamic view and domestic abuse Islamically ( how crazy even though I was physically also being abuse I never understand I was in a domestic abuse relationship and although I was going through the cycle I never understood that's what I was going through, until I studied it) then everything made sense. However my situation is it even a test for me or an injust done to me even by my ex who was supposed to protect me and nurture me. If my parent were I just I do think it was a mistake from them although they not admit it and put it down to qadar I try but cannot help feeling bitter and angry. They the most loving support love parents just don't know what happens there. If Allah was showing signs to get out why was I put there in the first place? So is it qadar of Allah? Was it in my destiny? Was it from Allah as a test to be abused? Was me being in the abusive relationship a test for me or a test for the ex for his evil hidden abuse. He moved on the very next month I served him the divorce and khula with a lovely women back home so I hear. So why as a victim am I shattered broken alone and picking up pieces and trying to make my life, while he has just moved to a happier life.. why is it I have to do all the healing and am so damaged and trying to find islamic reason to my condition.. trying to evaluate my situation? I hope you are able to have a podcast or something to help me with this and maybe many others and save them. Also just to say thank you your doing an amazing job highlight the narc and understanding it Islamically. Someone like me would also want some Islamic backup knowledge before making any decisions or understand the situation.

[@moiasiya8812]

​@@themuslimnarcissistbookso muvh victim blaming here, women being financially abused is not Co dependency, they literally have no way out. I get the feeling you may live in a country where abused women have a lot of help at hand. Shelters, women's centres etc. Sadly that's just not the case for so many Muslim women.

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

@@moiasiya8812 if people keep saying this is victim blaming no one will ever be helped and victims will surrender to their situation. I’ve seen women get out of the worst relationships and they went to stay with a friend or a good relative until they got on their feet. There’s always help if you look for it.

[@Fifi313-55]

I was late diagnosed autistic and adhd. This was my second marriage and he’s a hardcore narcissist and after eight years of marriage and three kids I discovered he’s a narcissist.

[@aminaimran7665]

Im diagnosed Autistic and ADHD and you are right we are prey for narcissistic, they know we are fragile and venerable with big hearts and they take our kindess for weakness and leach into it.

[@user-ve4zw6jp9i]

​@@aminaimran7665what's the solution now? I'm 32 2 kids I'm so tired wallah

[@putocuchinta]

He tried to use me to have his kids. His first wife (who he kept a secret from me until after we got married) is unable to have kids. He told me all of this after our nikah, when he knew I was so deeply attached and in love with him. I told him I felt like a cow… and he said that I wasn’t. But then he said something very scary, that he would have his first wife treat our kids like she is their stepmom. He even wanted our kids to call her mom… I feel so disgusted writing this now. I’m disgusted that I came so close to giving up my life for shaitan. Alhamdulillah, I prayed so much for me to be released from the marriage and the next day my husband gave me talaq. Al-Rahman, Al-Raheem.

[@madeeharahman3406]

may allah give u lots of sabr and heal from the trauma

[@moonyahmed4413]

Alhamdulilah, Allah shows me signs but I was able to realize it for 2 years.

[@Letyourlightshine333]

Wow amazing this podcast needs to be precursor before marriage.

[@JasmimShandana]

Dr. Mona. I still dont understand why God allowed me into a marriage with a narc. My parents pushed me into this marriage, but after 22 years I hear and learn about narcisism. Did i deserve to live such a life? Tried so hard to fix it all way for more than 2 decades!😢

[@ayeshasiddiqaalidilshad8320]

You’re doing a great job spreading this information ❤

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

Thank you! :)

[@Safestreet]

I love ❤ how there are stories of the prophets in your podcasts - thank you

[@ZoubirKabir]

Salaam. Good answer to an important question. I am looking forward to a podcast in which there is no reference to making a future podcast ! What is more helpful is to begin a podcast with reference to a previous podcast where that is helpful. As your opus grows it will be inevitable that podcasts are related and are best heard in an appropriate order. Hamdoulillah.

[@shameemahossenbux2541]

Thank you so much for this podcast ❤😢😢😢😢😢

[@AsheeqArt]

Brilliant - makes so much sense! ❤❤❤ you are simply brilliant at understanding this disorder. The Islamic perspective is literally mind blowing. Can’t wait for the next one xx

[@rab251]

Jazak'Allah khair

[@KnowledgeIncreasesFaith]

What makes it hard to see for a while is you think there Muslim and you tell yourself Muslims must get better and be good at some point but no not the case. Now I realize the devil can hide and attacks from anyone and anywhere.

[@AbuHaleem1436]

Jazakallaahu Khayran

[@fureraisiaka3363]

May Allah (SWT) reward you. May Allah grant you jannah for this. Can one share this on social media platforms in bits with full attribution?

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

Jazaki Allah khair for the dua it means a lot ♥️ feel free to share x

[@anonnns]

Never marry potential ❤ Beautiful Podcast. Thank you Dr Mona!

[@nazleapetersen8599]

Shukran sister...Subhaanallah😢Where were you and information as this 30+years invested that feels so wasted now😢

[@imaanhanif8863]

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah. Fantastic episode very interesting listen. I have been searching for a islamically compatible interpretation of narcissism for a while now as i have been so hesitant to learn from the nonmuslim perspective in case of any conflicts with our islamic perspective. Would be great to understand more about the difference between abuse and flaws. I would find myself trying to reconcile between the two during my marriage and always trying to give my ex spouse the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you have already got an episode on this, Im new here alhamduillah :)

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

Wsalaam, thank you :) to know the difference, check out the episode of who a Muslim narc is (podcasts 16, 31 and 33).

[@noorinamoos1924]

Dear Mona...thanks for all... It happens to me dear

[@nessness4893]

I would like to know your opinion : - my conclusion from my expérience with an narcissist is that nature don’t like empty place, if you are too selfless, you have more chance to attract someone who is selfish (narcissist) So you need to define boundries and work on your self-esteem and self-love. Secondly, I have watched a dourous where they said that Allah doesn’t change the condition of someone until they change themselves. So there is people blaming themselves for being poorly treated. Lastly, can you give me your definition of codependent, empath, super empath and super nova empath. BarackAllah ou fiki your video helped a lot 🤲

[@nessness4893]

Also, I have a request, on how to build confidence from a muslim perspective which means While remeaning modest ? It’s in my opinion something that lack in our oumma

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

It’s all in my book :)

[@GalaxyisAmazing]

what if you tried to break free from the marriage but the only way out was khula and it was not accepted by the husband nor the council, what can a woman do then?

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

A Shariah council cannot refuse a khula. They should be making more efforts to call him in and have meetings and if he doesn’t turn up then a faskh is needed to be done by the judge. It is haram to keep a woman hostage in a marriage.

[@GalaxyisAmazing]

@themuslimnarcissistbook well this is my situation sister, and unfortunately, I have been forced to coexist with him because I have children and it will impact them the most if the divorce was given

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

@@GalaxyisAmazing May Allah make it easy for you 🌹

[@Mercy-l8b]

​@@themuslimnarcissistbooklike Mona said, you have a Islamic right for it they have no right by Islam to force you in a marriage you no longer want to be in. In sha Allah Allah gave you away out but the way out is also to obey Allah, please read all SURAH AL TALAQ

[@Mercy-l8b]

Sorry that comment was for the sister, sorry mona😂

[@rehabfarouk427]

Thanks alot

[@NH-hp2nn]

What if the narc is your sister or mom?

[@Adephunkie]

I co ask?

[@NH-hp2nn]

@@Adephunkie I found that she did another video about siblings and one about parents!

[@IsraMenna]

In the Name of Allah the Gracious the Most Merciful Dr, Mona. Can you make an episode only on ADHD and adress everything about this condition, is it considered as an medical condition (because I am doubting if it is a real condition, then have Islam approached these healthconditions and in which way)? what do islam and the prophet (S) say about ADHD? what is ADHD called in islam? is there anything called ADHD in islam and what is the corresponding condition otherwise? is there islamic personlaities known for their ADHD but still were great personalities? is ADHD an weakness, is it a trial from Allah? is someone with ADHD considered disabled in the eyes of Allah? Does it mean that someone with ADHD is a weak person with a weak nafs? How does Quran or islam approach this condition? is there hadiths telling about this condition? what are the main trial for these people with this condition (ADHD)? Can they be successful in life? what is the best environment for them? can they be as those that is so called neurotypical? are neurotypical stronger than those with ADHD? What do you think is the wisdom of having ADHD? Can it be cured or is it a neurodiverisity condition? What do you think is Allah's command to those with this condition (ADHD)? Is it that having is at trial for person from being a neuroatypical to try their hardest to reach the level of being neurotypical? is it their main test in the eyes of Allah. It is not easy going around knowing that you have ADHD or autism at the same time. What is the cure of ADHD? is there any cure? The prophet (S) says : إن لكل داء دواء فإذا أصيب دواء الداء برأ بإذن الله تعالى. Ali ibn abi taleb says in another hadith دَواؤُكَ فيكَ وَما تُبصِرُ وَدَاؤُكَ مِنكَ وَما تَشعُرُ So if the prophet says this this means that there must be cure for every condition? or was the prophet and Ali referring to sickness of heart not referring to the sickness coming from genetic abnormalities like down syndrome? can you tell me more about these two hadiths. What is the cure for down syndrome for example? Sometimes ADHD comes with autism that makes things even worse, what is it called in islam then when having both conditions at the same time, because I remember that you said that in islam theres no definitions such as these, islam addresses these conditions as sickness of the nafs. So do you think that these people with ADHD and autism was born with this sickness (they did not choose it by themselves to be sick in their nafs, soul or heart, they was born so how can they manage to purify their nafs?) of the nafs and heart. Then what is the solution, if someone wants to follow these two hadiths above to cure these conditions, how would the prophet (S) and Ali ibn abi Taleb cure these two conditions, what will their advices be for someone with both ADHD and autism that have struggled through heir lives be? What are the messages that Allah sending to that person who are struggling with these conditions? I need a package of information about this condition (ADHD) and also when it comes with autism and I would be very thankful and appreciative. May Allah bless you and give you all success Dr Mona.

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

Salaams please see podcast 28

[@FaridUddin-wr1wf]

May allah bless you sister

[@901The-wolf]

استمري ياختي منى

[@AyeshaAdam]

Don't agree with what you said about the verse in Surahtul Noor. That verse was applicable during the time of the Sahabah who had relationships with these types of women before they became Muslim. They were prevented by this verse from marriage to such women. Unless they accepted Islam. Or in the case of a Muslim, if they repented from such sins. Scholars say that this Verse was later abbrogated. And Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala knows best.

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

That doesn’t make any sense. Allah makes it clear in The Quran that just because people say they’re Muslims it doesn’t mean they’re believers so it applies to our time too.

[@An_Gha_]

What if a narcisist change for better last years of his life? Does Allah change his bad deeds in good deeds like quran says? What about all the sufference he spread for decades and the life of the victims destroyed forever?

[@themuslimnarcissistbook]

He needs to seek forgiveness and make amends with the people he hurt and destroyed first, before he can expect Allah's forgiveness.

[@An_Gha_]

@@themuslimnarcissistbook thank you and may Allah bless you.