6 Common Dismissive Avoidant Expectations That May Harm Relationships | Unmet Needs

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In this video, I talk about the top 6 common dismissive avoidant expectations that may harm relationships.
How do you handle potentially harmful expectations with dismissive avoidants?
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[@tammyewert1712]

I think maybe dismissive avoidants turn balanced people into anxious people and then eventually into dismissive avoidants

[@hibiscushoney3759]

I bet. This has crossed my mind too.

[@anewchapter1336]

I totally agree!

[@arkan031]

I can agree with that. I have a DA gf. I used to be secure, then turned anxious and now recently when being unable to spend time together more often than once per some weeks, I started turning avoidant. Since that, she slightly turned anxious and suddenly started looking for contact again and after we got some of it for a while, again she's back being DA and i'm anxious. Sometimes I just wish a DA could tell if something is too tough to do or say for whatever reason instead of quietly ghosting and spending all time with online friend instead. I'd surely try to hear her out and try to understand. It looks more like friend became my almost complete replacement and if I asked is she loves me, she'd say "Yes, why do you ask?". I'd like to somehow help it, also make her feel more comfortable, but it's all really confusing often, especially while being left in the dark with everything.

[@saudenumclique]

I couldn't agree more

[@beckichaplin1974]

I think you're on to something...I've always scored as a "secure attachment" but having dated and been dumped by a DA so non-chalantly... I feel like a dumpster fire.

[@SK-no2pp]

Avoidant types can’t handle a partner getting too close emotionally, nor are they good at sticking to the commitment and responsibilities of a relationship. Often they like the idea of relationships but struggle with the skills, and ultimately shy away from the work required to make them a long-term reality. Avoidants can be very eager and full of hope in the early stages until doubts and fears set in. They can want a relationship until they are faced with the realities of being in one. It’s not their fault - though they can try, the hard work of making a relationship work innately makes them feel claustrophobic. Unconsciously or otherwise, avoidants are always on high alert about getting 'trapped' - because they never learned to trust in mutuality

[@anewchapter1336]

they shouldn't marry....they need intense therapy if they want to be in a long term relationship.

[@ZhengSW]

@@anewchapter1336 COMPLETELY AGREE! My DA ex definitely does not understand the immense amount of hurt they put me through by just blocking me off everything.

[@SR0490]

This. I felt this. Early stages. Even after breaking up & getting back together. The early months they showed up. They were affectionate, supportive, loving, caring, very intimate. After about 6-8 months, they started doing less than less. I tried to have those tough conversations using very gentle, non blaming, very open communication, using lots of I feel statements and they would visibly freak out saying they need more space, & that we should focus on ourselves first, and our jobs. But when I would ask what that looked like, how much space, what the middle ground looks like… they wouldn’t have an answer. And so I would be patient to say, okay let’s think about & revisit this, we don’t have to have an answer right now. And we would never revisit these conversations. And if I brought it up, they would bring in XYZ things that I have been doing that I didn’t even know bothered them or were an issue for them. It was very very hard. It was only after the broke up the last time that I could feel them, start showing up again.. being kind, sweet, affectionate. Only because now we aren’t together & I am in the process of moving out. Of course as an anxious, now I’m triggered thinking, I didn’t do enough, or I pushed them too much unintentionally, or maybe I was controlling or maybe I did this or that. It is a battle trying not to blame myself for the downfall even though I know 100% I did show up, I did validate them, I was supportive, I was patient, but there wasn’t equal give and take.

[@ZhengSW]

@@SR0490 Reading this really hit me hard because it's 100% exactly what I went through. They would say "to focus on ourselves and reconnect after 3 months" but the cycle just restarted because both of us didn't work on ourselves in terms of attachment theory. I'm also AP and I stopped asking myself those questions because Thais has explained in great detail why we ask ourselves those questions and really dives deep into the trauma.

[@SR0490]

@@ZhengSW it is hard. I go back and forth. They’ve broken up almost every year. Initially it was, I’m not ready, I don’t deserve you, you’re too good, best partner I ever had, I need to know myself better, you’re a good partner. To this last time being, I want to be alone, I love myself now, you’re a good partner, but I want to experience life with my own independence and autonomy. It is difficult for me to wrap my mind around this recent reason.

[@juliecintula544]

Great premise although as someone who has been married to a DA for over 20 years, I can attest that DA’s aren’t comfortable with their own feelings and aren’t self aware enough to be able to effectively negotiate in a romantic relationship. Any serious conversation that involves feelings is a threat and they unplug emotionally or leave physically almost immediately. They aren’t great marriage material as their expectations are very “Disney” like. They fall in love and expect life to be perfect and everyone lives happily ever after. That’s fine as long as you want a superficial relationship based on fun. If you have no desire for your partner to emotionally support you, have your back, and have no emotional need for connection, or to really know your partner or to be known, then a DA might be what you want. DA’s are like chocolate bunnies…they look great but there’s not much inside.

[@loverofbeautifulthings]

Great insight, thank you. Do you feel you have lost yourself in 20 years of being with this type of person? Were you secure before and now have become anxious? I have been "dating" (seeing is probably a better word) a DA for about six months (with a 2-1/2 month period in between where he just disappeared from my radar) and have finally figured out who he is and what is going on which is actually such a relief for me. As someone who is normally more secure/avoidant I found every anxious childhood wound I have being opened. I think it's probably a good thing that I experienced this person because it is helping me recognize what my triggers are and that I need to establish my boundaries for self-preservation.

[@ArielAriel-rg8ng]

Totally true. I left my DA ex because I knew our wedding would have been like this and I didn't want this for me..it is so heartbreaking they tend to ruin something could have been special.

[@winnieamar9368]

Yes,I totally agree with you. My marriage of 14 yrs is the same. No emotional support,doesn't have my back,cannot rely on him.

[@dave3952]

Ya that pretty much sums us up

[@sillymamacita3854]

@@ArielAriel-rg8ng good for you for being brave enough to not marry someone like this!! I admire women who can leave toxic situations so much. 💓

[@i_Gotcha_]

Coming from a DA. A lot of the stuff we do, are unintentionally unfortunately. And it comes off as if we don’t “care” or “love” the other person. But deep down we really do and our pasts hurts us communicating and being vulnerable the two big pillars with making a relationship work. I am a DA after breakup currently and I understand all the things i did unintentionally. Making her feel: Insignificant, used for sex, not be able to communicate in serious conversations… everything you name it. I know I’m not that person and it sucks cause I know I’m not and just wish I can prove it to her. Looking on the other side of it. I’m working on me and breaking the cycle of all the characteristics of a DA. It is painful and sometimes I break down and cry cause I know I’m not this bad person she says and finding the DA characteristics now and I just wish I could get a second chance to prove those things. Unfortunately sometimes you don’t get a second chance at things and just have to take it as a learning lesson. The best apology to someone and to yourself is to change and address the problems with yourself and love yourself first so not only you can give but most importantly receive the love you wish speaking for the DAs. I wish all the DAs the best on working on yourself and being gentle and loving with yourself 🙏🏻

[@beckichaplin1974]

Thank you for saying that and it is my hope for all DAs, as well. We are all worthy of healthy giving and receiving of love, for ourselves and from others. 💛

[@i_Gotcha_]

@@beckichaplin1974 you’re welcome. Being a DA hurts deep down cause we really do care. But it’s in our autopilot to just operate the way we do. But know we can work on ourselves and work on good habits with our significant partners and current relationships in our lives. 🙏🏻 I wish you luck and know the work will be tough but very much worth it in the end!

[@beckichaplin1974]

@@i_Gotcha_ if I could just convince my ex DA to *want* to work on it with me! Alas, my faults have been found and I've already been discarded. 😞 I wish him well, though. 🙏

[@gb_2211]

I had to end things with a DA because he made me feel exactly the same way. I miss him a lot. If he expressed some self awareness and remorse I would probably give it another shot but he doesn't seem to have that awareness. I wish I knew he thought about things the way you are describing here. I feel like he never really cared about me at all and I was completely imagining this intense connection between us which has really shaken sense of reality and trust in my own intuition.

[@beckichaplin1974]

@@gb_2211 you took the words right out of my mouth. I feel the same way with the experience I had with a DA I dated for 6 months. 😞💔

[@omgcarsonnn]

It's super difficult to be with a DA. My "ex" left about 2 weeks ago and it's very difficult to understand how they can detach and just seemingly move on while I feel confused and searching for answers. It just feels as though they have SO many expectations and needs, yet we *can't* rely on them at all. It is so painful.

[@lailas.3205]

Please remember that you are also worthy of love, and you need what you need. 💕

[@sillymamacita3854]

I hope you know you aren't the reason he left. He is truly the reason he left. Imagine how painful it must be inside his mind's wiring to think that someone who cares about him is trying to hurt him in some way so he must run, that sounds awful 😖 The sooner you understand it isn't about you, it's about his own trauma, the sooner you will begin to heal. I say this only from experience and love. 💓

[@howtosober]

Yup. Never again. DAs just aren't worth it unless they've already healed themselves completely. You may as well be with a narcissist. Even though they're not the same pathology, they feel exactly the same for the partner's experience, all their deactivating and protest behaviors are practically identical, and so is the way they discard like you never even mattered to them you once they've sucked you dry.

[@anewchapter1336]

@@howtosober exactly

[@jeanjessmommysharlyn2771]

I've watched other videos, they will only feel comfortable with you when you already become securely attached or you already moved on...they are attracted to AP and FA coz that's their opposite and that's what they hide..i kept on being honest to him and communicate my needs, my boundaries, and i also try to be calm now before when he doesn't understand my needs and idk how to communicate we just avoid each other...ahahaha I learned so much in this school, and im grateful 😊

[@giiiizmo]

I'm a DA. And that actually developed because in my teens I've had to support and care for my dad who suffered from alcoholism. My mom is a strong women (we actually formed such a strong deep bond because of all we went through) she got depressed because of it and through all those years I've chosen to keep strong for my parents and keep my emotions to myself. I've formed deep bonds with people because of this while I was in college and they still remain my close friends. He actually passed away last year. Which actually forced me to focus on myself. And that's when I started recognizing my own patterns even more. I've never had problems making deeper connections with others, my friends or family. And don't have much troubles showing my vulnerability. But when a connection turns into a romantic one. I'm completely unable to do so and run.. I'm currently dating someone and found out she's an anxious preoccupied. It did give me a lump in my throat because I can't stress enough how all of her views and beliefs cross my boundaries. Before we knew this about each other we had big arguments. But (we are)I'm willing to work on it. By understanding her attachment style and mine. Which are almost the complete opposite. I know DA's aren't all the same.. but reading all the comments about peoples experiences with DA's makes me feel like we are bound to fail in love and life. I'm struggling with my thoughts and it's chaotic because you lose sight of your own beliefs and views. It's so hard to distinguish which belief has been formed by experiences, have become habits, what you feel in your heart vs in your head. Especially because da's are analytical and practical. It's definitely not easy.

[@Sharon490]

You are not bound for failure in something ur just learning about as you go. What I’ve come to realize is when it comes to relationships, TRYING is the success. Pain or a broken heart are part of the process at times but as an FA leaning DA and secure, learning to accept that is the hardest part and what’s what is helping me lean secure instead of anxious. Learning to remember I’m resilient and will always be able to try again if I wish, Is the only thing keeping me braver than I’d prefer being. As a DA u are literally facing one of ur greatest fears, something that too many of the APs who leave those comments forget. For them pursuing a relationship isn’t their greatest fear, being alone is. The hate they feel towards DAs is because too often their issues are forcing them to face their biggest fear all while not noticing being in the relationship in the first place is making an avoidant face their greatest fear. A self aware AP will know this and ur saying ur partner is also working on their attachment issues, so u guys have a lot more hope for “success” than u realize. Whether u go the distance or not, u both will grow and learn security in this relationship and that is beautiful 😍

[@lmart16]

FAs (preoccupied) focus on trust and openness. Don't disappear out of no where - communicate like hey, I need my space bc of xyz then note that you're not running away and you'll check in. I gave a DA I dated a 24H max time-frame to check in but he couldn't even do that. I told him it was seen as rude and disrespectful to me. When he didn't care to change, he saw my shift from Fearful Avoidant anxious to FA dismissive and I went AWOL. Ask her to tell you what's wrong if something seems to be bothering her. If her tone or body language changes, you may want to ask more than once and have a check in on your relationship type of meeting. If we see you trying, it's progress.

[@raymondsilveira1936]

DAs wouldn't sacrifice for a family member there are very self focused

[@giiiizmo]

@@raymondsilveira1936 Sorry but that is very close minded and judgemental of you to say. Especially since not all DA's are the same and you can't simply judge a person like that based on their attachment style when there's a lot more factors involved.

[@giiiizmo]

@@Sharon490 Thank you for your message! It actually means a lot to me. Because you seem to be one of the few to not shame or talk down on DA's. Aside from the attachment styles, I agree trying is something we always have to do when it comes to relationships, may it be love or friendship.

[@Ari.StarFire]

This video has been a break through point for my partner and I. Im a secure leaning FA. My partner DA beginning to lean secure. After 9 months of going in circles around these exact issues, we were almost ready to call it. This video has helped bring context and clarity for both of us. He is finally understanding his self sabatoging behaviors. We are finally breaking through. This work is next level, truly life changing. Thank you Thais!

[@julesD0222]

How are thing going now, if you don’t mind me asking?

[@Ari.StarFire]

@@julesD0222 Well, we were making good progress and seemingly in a good space. We had a solid plan for continued relationship growth. We were starting to talk seriously about moving in together. He said he loves me more than hes loved anyone, that hes thinking about wanted to marrying me, that he really likes where things were going. Two days after he asked me to move in with him, he sabatoged a trust agreement we had established and bailed. The reasons he gave me revolved around conflict avoidance, flaw finding, phantom ex, desire for an illusive fantasy woman and fantasy relationship as well as the need for freedom. All of a sudden he "wants a different life," wants to "be alone so he could work on himself", has a "vision of a different partner". When I asked him what about me didnt fit his perfect version of a partner was, he said he "didnt want to be mean." His complaints about me while in the relationship were minor, like I take too long to get ready, I gave him too many gifts 🤷‍♀️ It just looks like relationship sabatoge as soon as a real commitment was going to be made. All classic dissmissive avoidant behaviors. It's been 3 weeks since the breakup. I've gone no contact and haven't heard from him. I'm devastated but also not surprised. I'm grateful for Thais's perspective. It's still heartbreaking but helps me to take it less personally. In reality though, I was loosing my patience and ability to not take his behavior personally. I was becoming contemptuous and angry about his dissmissiveness. I felt like I was holding the relationship together emotionally. He was going to therapy, finally, which was promising. However, once our relationship would go well for a bit, we would be feeling close and connected, he would sabotage it. Two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, two steps back. New hoops to jump through. It was exhausting. Although I'm heartbroken, honestly it feels better to be off the rollercoaster. Not knowing for sure if he was coming or going had me locked in a freeze response, depressed, wearing down my energy and self esteem. I didnt realize it until I was out. Three weeks post breakup, I'm feeling more energized, confident, creative and inspired to rewrite my life in a new direction. I've worked through the How to Heal from a Breakup course as well as working with a personal therapist which have helped emmensely. Almost at the point of feeling grateful he pulled the plug. I loved him too much to do it myself. Or maybe I was just too addicted to this insecure relationship dynamic. Either way, coming into acceptance that this relationship wasn't what I needed to feel secure and to thrive. I needed to let it go. Thanks for asking. It feels cathartic to share my experience ♡

[@julesD0222]

@@Ari.StarFire Thank you very much for sharing and I’m really sorry that it turned out this way, but as you said, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. The way you describe his sabotaging behaviour is textbook DA, he seemed to have exhibited every single behaviour/belief. You seem to be on the right track with your healing and I wish you all the blessings life has to offer.

[@Ari.StarFire]

@@julesD0222 Thanks. I appreciate your perspective and reassurance ♡

[@alainpatry]

Definitely described my avoidant partner. It's painful how they won't communicate/negotiate, and also create other strategies to prevent getting too close/deep.

[@notoriousmf6157]

If you want to be in a relationship with yourself, date a DA who’s not willing to do the work. You can watch every single one of Thais’ videos about them and do everything she says, but if they’re not willing to have the tough conversations rather just save yourself the time and the effort and run. Just like they do.

[@anewchapter1336]

Absolutely! 22 years married to a DA!!!

[@notoriousmf6157]

@@anewchapter1336 I’m really sorry. I wish you happiness and healing on your journey forward.

[@anewchapter1336]

@@notoriousmf6157 Thank you

[@winnieamar9368]

I can attest to what you have said. Been married to one for 14. It's lonely as hell.

[@SK-no2pp]

Yes exactly. You can bring the horse to the water but you can’t force it to drink.

[@beckichaplin1974]

I dated a DA. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. I was over the moon. Then he broke up with me, suddenly and without warning, on my bday. I gave him time, still won't meet up with me, it's been a year. The most painful experience of my life and I've been married and divorced twice.

[@edgreen8140]

Conflict is part of life. Compromise is normal.

[@michaelhagerman7829]

PDS needs to start a online dating service! 😎👍👍

[@filippersson5256]

Yeah, with follow up.. 💓

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

😂

[@Lolipop8686]

Independently of attachment styles, and with all respect for everybody, their traumas, etc...I have really difficulty understanding how an adult can think this way. Just from an objective, logical and rational point of view this just does not make any sense at all...

[@carolinelaronda4523]

DAs are giant narcissistic babies at their core .

[@ipaycloseattention]

#3 is so true! My DA wants me to now put all of my feelings that might lead to conflict into a diary app instead of talking to him. Because every time I've tried to express my needs or feelings, he says, "I don't know how to make you happy. I'll never be able to give you what you need," and says I should find someone else who can.

[@luciadozier1267]

Take his advice and leave him alone, he's helping you more than you realize.

[@megnelli]

He might be shutting down and going into fight or flight mode. I suggest somatic therapy. Stopping the moment he is overwhelmed, having him do some somatic exercises to calm down and re-regulate. Then give him lots of reassurance to ease his fears. Then one item on the list at a time. It’s not impossible but yes, they have to be willing. It requires maximum patience and dedication!

[@RitaP41]

@@megnelli they better be GREAT at something else for you to go through all this trouble!

[@kellienaylor4616]

I don’t know why I waited for him to meet me in the middle. Just thought I could love him into it. All the while he must of thought I was needy, rude, and suffocating. Talk about different perspectives. I felt bad to leave him completely too. Not anymore. I’m healing and I like people who want to love all of me not ones that think I’m crazy for expecting to communicate and spend time together supporting and enjoying each other. Well rant over, thanks for the vent. Helps me to explain it. Think I understand the last 4-5 years better. And I can continue on in my journey 😅😀👏. Thanks 🙏

[@brianhill6842]

It’s weird how they have no issues texting you, calling you ….before you spend time together ….and then you to spend time and they start pulling the suffocating game.

[@katenoble5810]

🎯🎯🎯

[@user-ww1ow5yi2u]

In my experience dating DA’s everything basically has to be on their terms otherwise just forget it 😂 negotiate? Compromise? I mean you can try but they’ll probably run the moment you do!

[@anewchapter1336]

my DA husband of 22 years will agree to things then turn around and do what he wants anyway without any communication.

[@Ang.143]

@@samuel2614 change doesn’t happen until there’s no one around or when life is completely ruined. There is a major lack of awareness here and it’s everyone else’s fault for them.

[@Ang.143]

@@samuel2614 I wasn’t always enabling, I told my partner what I needed and he ran. I tirelessly tried to meet his perfect standards. I have been going to therapy for my issues while he laughed at me. A DA healing is rare, hopefully you make amends with your partner and figure it out. She may already be so scared and afraid and you have work very hard to fix that.

[@MJ_X2]

@@samuel2614 every human on earth has boundaries that need to be respected. These are not fixed and innate personality types, these are symptoms of neglectful and traumatic childhood and I really take exception to you calling yourself a "mythical creature" as if cold and emotionally unavailable partners are somehow special people who deserve to get all their needs met while everyone else has to work around it. Nobody can change through manipulation and force. Nobody wants their boundaries violated or someone else's will imposed on them, nobody wants to be lied to or have their trust broken. You cannot be serious

[@MJ_X2]

@@samuel2614 you don't need to say those actual words to understand that's what you are truly saying between this comment and all the others you've made here.

[@juliekeeney1538]

So this is his problem. I’m suddenly kinda turned off. Who needs such an obstinate partner. I don’t have the time to try to get love out of a rock. Screw that!

[@do3258]

I came to this same realization. Edit: My last relationship was the most exhausting energy draining shit I've ever been through. It really did feel like being in a unilateral relationship with a rock. Any problems that arose I would solve all by myself and salvage the relationship and he would just "enjoy the good moments" but would never put in any effort to respect me and my time or to make actual room for me in his life. The second I decided I wasn't gonna carry this alone, it ended. So. No.

[@jamestillman3150]

Nobody needs that. I guess it’s only worth it if you love them.

[@OBNfull1000]

Had a good few days with my DA date and then all of a sudden he's bringing up our differences and incompatibilities out of nowhere. Told me he was just being honest. Which is fine, but damn at least bring up what's working so I don't feel like shit the rest of the day.

[@xenomorph8253]

I know what you mean...the DA's don't care about your feelings. You cannot have any expectations with a DA except that they will make you feel like shit every single day. I dont need a freaking roller coaster ride in a relationship. If I want that I'll goto Six Flags. My experience with a DA has been the WORST ever in any relationship Ive ever been in. Its better off to be single than be with a DA. I'm done I will never date another DA as long as I live.

[@r.bishop1127]

I fell for a DA. I thought he was fearful avoidant because the 1st 7 months were amazing. Then the hot cold stuff began. He blocked me for a month then came back saying he made a mistake. I think I'm on round 5 now. It's only gotten worse. How do you know when it's really over? This recent time he told he didn't want a relationship, but also could still want to see me even if he didn't think it would work. What? He also showed signs of jealousy because the round before that I started dating or trying to date others. I'm stuck on him though. I blocked him this time first. But Android saves blocked text. His last one to me was that we are over and will never speak again. But I've heard that before. He usually stonewalls me 4-6 weeks. How do I DETACH now?! This is painful. I feel like an addict chasing the initial high.

[@paniq_fnite]

Sounds like he is an FA though. as one, I can attest.. we are not the best partners..and somewhat are addictive partners.

[@do3258]

Just do it. Tell him you're over this and be over it. Return his stuff. Go no contact. Focus on you and heal to be open to someone who's worth your time and effort and will love you back like an adult. It's horribly painful once you've grown even more attached and invested years into the relationship.

[@Kareena1988]

They want the perfect partner but are themselves nothing near good.

[@anewchapter1336]

right !?!?!

[@winnieamar9368]

Well said.

[@Ang.143]

Yep! 😂

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Yup. They just think highly of themselves but never can see how much anguish, pain and sufferingvthey bring to others.

[@natibelfortunato6879]

Oof. This right here. They have expectations set on others that they don't even meet themselves.

[@BaseballDadAz]

While I can’t get enough of your DA content (it’s like…ok, I was NOT crazy), I’m just soooo sad that I had NONE of this orientation. I loved that woman, still do even now, and all I was left with was having to honor her unchecked exit from the relationship… what a tragedy.

[@dwermes]

My recent ex is 100% all of these!!! I'd love to send this link to him to make him realize that he broke up with me because of these concepts, but I know he'd refuse to watch and see what he really did.

[@newyearsproject09]

What about a DA who in the dating phase says he wants to get married and have kids, but when asked about the future now 2 years into the relationship says, “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.” What is the issue here? He’s looking for the perfect match he’ll never find?

[@SK-no2pp]

He’s not going to think about it. That would stir up anxiety and engulfment. They like to just be in the now and as-is. 7 years ago my person said he wanted to get married and have kids. Yet did nothing geared towards that lol. Likewise, thinking and talking about the future, while an exciting and bonding activity for others, brings avoidants straight up against core beliefs that they're not good enough imagined futures where they cannot be the perfect partner, employee or parent that their fears and core beliefs project. It doesn't mean avoidants don't want such a future, just that it is safer not to have to think about that and just live in the present.

[@notoriousmf6157]

They’ll say anything in the dating phase because things are fun and vulnerability isn’t required yet. Give it a few months until the oxytocin wears off and the mask drops and you’ll see the real DA.

[@Ang.143]

Move on. It’s a lie. My person did this for yearsssss and even told me he wants to get married last week! 😅

[@asmallbitchybanana]

They say a lot of things in the moment. Because it sounds and feels good to them. Without really thinking that saying things makes their partner expect fruition at some point. You can never frust anything they say because they live from moment to moment. They never really think of long term through. My Da was with someone for 20 years and had two kids with her, and even proposed. Of course the marriage never materialized. So realistically how can i, someone hes known for 4 years expect marriage one day. Realistically, they always find a feason to bounce and find fault in you no matter hiw hard you try to show up for them. Give it up. They are lost causes. And for anyone who wants to come at me for saying this, go ahead. My opinion sticks and stays. They are lost causes relationship wise. Its better to be alone, at least you have no expectations and you show up for yourself. When youre with them, youre still alone but have unmet needs and expectations and try really hard to get them to see the light and they never will. Stop beating a dead horse and run away as fast as you can. That is the best way to be with a dA- no way.

[@warmhart2034]

@@notoriousmf6157 Absolutely 😕 When we first started dating, DA told me we will see each other 1-2x a week. 10 months later, it's once a month if that and only for a few hours!😕

[@bens52310]

The "perfect match" REALLY resonates with me. My DA engaged in flaw finding and that's what ended us

[@perspicacity89]

It seems like DA is the absolute worst of the worst attachment style to both have and have to deal with in a partner. After dating one for a year, I am done with DAs as a class. I am done with dating for a while. I've been working on myself for the past six months, and I'm not going to stop.

[@beamertoy]

I really don't like the idea of negotiating for attention. It seems like it is like begging or forcing someone to reciprocate when it goes against their own desire. If you tell someone what you want from them, it will be given out of sympathy not out of one's own natural inclination.

[@xenomorph8253]

Exactly if its not real I dont want it anywhere near me.

[@WahkeenaSitka]

The question is, then, how do you get a DA to stop "flaw finding" and searching for "the perfect partner"? One of my former lovers was a total DA and went through women like crazy, one after another after another. He would always, inevitably come up with some reason why they weren't good enough, and then devalue them and distance himself so that he could avoid vulnerability and being close. It was crazy making. He never had a breakthrough. Is it possible to help this type of person stop this pattern of behavior?

[@RubyLine]

Unless they go to therapy and truly work on themselves and their attachment style, there's no point. DAs tend to have an idealised version of an ex or of a future partner. Once they notice that everything is not perfect, they either run or leave while blaming the person for their "shortcomings", aka not being the perfect partner for them 100% of the time. Ingrained pattern, and you can't help them, it has to come from them. But that seldom happens since they think that they're not at fault.

[@brookelight2090]

Nobody can be this perfect in life. It’s like individually designed to accommodate only DA, without any personal needs, almost like a robot. If someone is this perfect, why would they want to be with you? Don’t they have a higher calling to fulfill? Only another DA would agree with this expectations, yet no two DAs are attracted to each other. Because DAs don’t have energy to give out, they only require energy to come in. How irony!

[@anewchapter1336]

agreed

[@xenomorph8253]

My experience to the letter. Add in a few truckloads of pain and suffering and you got a life with a DA. Better off single.

[@abby4027]

I’ve been waiting for this video! I’m taking inventory of all insecure attachments and which hidden expectations I have.

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

1. Compromising has been difficult I noticed but with time that changed. 2. The understanding around space can be difficult to give to the D.A. because it is SO much and often. It takes away from the relationship to the extent that the other doesn't feel that there even is a relationship. When I share my feelings it is not taken well by the D.A. and I can tell that changing this is still very difficult for the D.A. because they really enjoy and are use to this "excessive" space (as others see it.) 3. 4. The independently meeting our own needs is good but the D.A. has to be able to do both, be there for himself and the other. 5. Relying emotionally on the other is part of any healthy relationship / dynamic. This also touches on the other point that relying on the D.A. will naturally mean you take / use some of their time. Flaw finding is also very painful to the other person when the D.A. use it as a defense mechanism to keep themself safe by harming the feelings of the other. When the other person is being vulnerable with the D.A. (which can be hard) the D.A. should now be using that persons flaws as leverage against them, to protect themselves.

[@Jessiethegirl23]

As I have been learning the attachment styles, I have also been fortunate enough to ask 4 DA's some deep questions. I am also a FA so it helped us grow together. Some interesting phrases from the DAs: " Relationships never work out anyway so I never prioritize it.", " I always get hurt." " Even when I try to care about others, they don't care about my feelings." " I get overwhelmed and need space to think but they view it as I don't care." " Slow motion is the best motion."

[@roshalllambert]

I loved how she used examples regarding how to negotiate!!

[@tucky3191]

The way you worded 3:04 is perfect

[@fxtrdr4]

I was with a DA for 6 years. These are spot on 👌

[@dannywholuv]

How did you last 6 years?? Im a year deep, tried to dig a little as to why i havent met her family and friends yet and was told because im not sure we're going to last 😢 she is in that fault finding stage but still meets up once every couple of weeks.

[@Ang.143]

@@dannywholuv i met my DA’s family and friends. It honestly means nothing 🫤

[@anewchapter1336]

@@dannywholuv I was with mine for 24 years!

[@anewchapter1336]

@@Ang.143 no it doesn't and many times their family is why they are a DA. My soon to be ex is a mother enmeshed man too on top of the DA.

[@Ang.143]

@@anewchapter1336 correct! Mine was abused and neglected. Unfortunately I do not have the energy to help him anymore. I wish him the best

[@harsieseutasu758]

This content is academically useful, but I think in practice it's really unobtainable. First, all this content is based on the small percentage that is already on a healing path. I find it frustrating that there is no acknowledgment that most DAs are extremely petulant, judgmental and can be abusive. There's zero compromise because your simply wrong.

[@carolinelaronda4523]

So true . Even the DAs that are presented with this information that seem receptive and want to change will ultimately make excuses for going to therapy like mine did ..that it’s too expensive or they don’t have time or whatever just because they ultimately don’t care about being a better person for you, they just care about Being comfortable in their own selfish little narcissistic bubble world they live in . In my opinion, they’re almost worse than a narcissist because at least with a narcissist their mask drops a lot quicker and you waste less time .

[@onlydotter]

Totally agree with you, DAs are so much worse than narcs. Never been through such a mindf*ck as I was with my DA ex - flat out emotionless refusal to communicate and refusal to breakup in a mutually respectful, compassionate way. Emotional withholding is the most insidiously abusive behavior

[@xenomorph8253]

@@onlydotter Yes, I agree 100%. My DA experience is the top of the food chain for pain and suffering in a relationship. Its all about them and only them. Your a toy to them, like a cat with a toy mouse. They are very selfish, constantly try to sabotage the relationship but the most torture, thats the emotional shutdown or with holding. Ive never experienced anything in a relationship in my whole life as bad as how a DA makes you feel. I like your description of their insidious behavior...perfect description.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Do you think people who flaw find in general also use it for self-protection?

[@Strangeries]

My ex did this to me, he would pick out small flaws not just with me but my house and my job etc.

[@rachhhh9722]

It's not self protection they do it because putting people down makes them feel powerful and better about themselves.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Its a sabotaging technique designed to make them get turned off by something in you no matter how hard you try to show up for the relationship. They want love, but when love is present they start getting claustrophobic and trapped because of the intimacy involved.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@asmallbitchybanana Makes perfect sense :)

[@luciadozier1267]

​@@rachhhh9722 I agree with you

[@dustinquinton]

Should people be fine/ok when they are alone? Yes. Should people be needy? No. But basically what is being said is, a DA’s expects their partner not to rely on them emotionally? Each other should rely on themselves emotionally? If that is the case, I’m out. I would feel more alone in a relationship with a DA than by myself.

[@Jessiethegirl23]

As a FA, I relate to DAs because when it starts feeling like I am headed to a relationship, I freak out and sabotage it. When they don't want to talk about an issue I am having, I freak out. When I am scared, I shut down. I turn off emotions. So if they do want to talk... I push them away. lol I hate feeling controlled... but I want them to want me. It's a mess.

[@tilak231]

I just see how complicated things are around DA!! They spoil their life holding TOTALLY WRONG “Habits” and ultimately suffering and making suffer who love them!!!

[@Candy_Mountain]

These DAs are something else 🥴

[@lorajacqueline05eclectic53]

Thank you! More please

[@toxic-freearmy8949]

They deserve to be left alone so they can take all the space and time for self pity and self loathing.

[@xenomorph8253]

Yes they do...especially for as much damage they have done to their partners over the years. It is unbelievable how they are. They are mean, very selfish, push you away, pull you back, completely shut down emotionally and then wonder why your pissed. There is no compromise. Its just all about them. Could give two shits about your feelings or plans you might have made with them. It is staggering just how bad a DA makes as a partner. They should be alone.

[@Healings_808]

I’m AP and he’s DA. If I found this earlier when I felt like he’s different and I was trying to understand him. Damn. That so him. I would compromise and make the time and he was ok not seeing each other all the time. I wanted commitment bcuz umm yeah we were seeing each other for awhile. It’s challenging. We’re at a distant, communication is open, if I say I want to see him is up for it. Seems he needs his alone time a lot and me AP whose opposite is challenging. Right now idk where we stand. I told him communicate and I guess it’s with a AD or I’m not saying it right lol thanks for this info.

[@candacesmith4832]

Thank you! ❤️

[@masquerade3078]

Me and my Gf have been Long distance for a year now. This whole month has been rough she's been pulling away almost every week this month. We talked recently and she opened up about how she was treated during her childhood and things started to make sense. A few days later she started pulling away again only this time she actually admitted that shes trying to protect herself from what she feels for me. Does her opening up and telling me this count as progress? Or am I just fooling myself?

[@winnieamar9368]

Her opening up to you means that she trusts you with her vulnerability. And trust doesn't come easy with a DA. But having said that(speaking from my experience with my DA husband)you should be very careful in investing further in this relationship. Old habits (subconscious programming) are definitely not easy to change and takes a herculean effort. Maximum times,people don't change(and by change I mean change for the better). Invest in someone who will meet your needs happily and willingly. Save yourself from the heartache buddy.

[@SK-no2pp]

What steps if any, is she taking to heal?

[@masquerade3078]

@@SK-no2pp None, I don't think she knows what an attachment style even is. She just tries to cope.

[@winnieamar9368]

@@masquerade3078 no self awareness should be a huge red flag. Run.

[@masquerade3078]

@@winnieamar9368 She always says that she's defective. I wanted to show her about attachment styles but I don't know how to go about it. I don't want to be like "Look at this, this is what's wrong with you."

[@cristinaalvarez6822]

My DA said to me during a discussion, that he knew alots of people that don't like me. He said it just to hurt me, it was not true.

[@howtosober]

Yeah, contempt is their thing. They love doing stuff like triangulating and using "third parties" as a way of making themselves superior in conflict. Or maybe I shouldn't say they "love" doing it, but it is their adaptive response to being challenged and it feels abusive AF.

[@cristinaalvarez6822]

@@howtosober so how should I react to this?

[@stormyskyz7881]

Sounds like so fuck shit a DA would say… I think DA IS A MENTAL DISORDER…. I can’t say it any other way

[@stormyskyz7881]

@@cristinaalvarez6822 cut them off

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

@@cristinaalvarez6822 maybe he is a narc? I’m DA and wouldn’t dream of saying that to a partner.

[@bethanypithan]

Can you have different attachment styles with different people or specifically genders? I seem to have more of an anxious attachment style with women versus males.

[@seapeajones]

Definitely cannot agree with 5 & 6, but I had a few good relationship models in my adult life. Four, though. Spot on.

[@49kitkatbar]

So, rather than label someone who is exhibiring DA behavior as "DA" in a new relationship, how can we tell that instead, they are just not interested and we don't have to try so hard to make the relationship work and can let them just go? Very confusing for the average person -- do i try to understand and work with this or are they just not into me?

[@patriciajorgensen4728]

Do, the DA can communicate their frustration at the other person bringing up a situation multiple times without taking action on it? Maybe the partner doesn’t want/need to take action, or can’t take action, and they still need support. Right?

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

A DA only understands support as action...fixing.

[@SofenWrld]

Tell me how can I join Relationship Coach program. I live in Jamaica.

[@onlydotter]

DAs don’t communicate and they definitely don’t negotiate

[@sofiane1unique]

Thank you 💕💕💕💕

[@stormyskyz7881]

Girl who you know wants to meet someone just once a week… this why they are so hard to be with… partnership has healthy compromise… for them to say no compromise…. Your not selling them to me

[@Lolipop8686]

My DA-ex at one point talked about meeting once a month...

[@sakutaro3musik486]

it´s funny you say I should negotiate for a day in the week or 2 to meet when I can´t even negotiate with him to see him once a month XD it doesn´t bother me anymore but it´s not fullfilling either

[@christinecarr4110]

Lots of great information if you could slow down and articulate slower I think it would be more effective if I may 🗽🇱🇷🎶🌼

[@minerva7217]

Try using the settings tool to slow down the pace of her speech. It helps!

[@rockit31]

The gravel in her voice is nauseating

[@fahlmancomputing8628]

It would be great if you could put time stamps around your ads for those of us who watch everything you post and would prefer to avoid hearing the same marketing messages over and over.

[@1chienandalou]

So much agreed

[@1chienandalou]

But of course that is the whole point of the free videos I suppose

[@NoireFleurFatale]

Conflict with a DA is draining. Everything you say translates to a crusade against their character. If I cant express my needs or concerns towards something and im met with dismissiveness, disregard or gaslighting “theres no reason for you to feel that”…. Im gone.

[@cristinaalvarez6822]

So....he's just going to get worse??!!

[@cristinaalvarez6822]

Why do they triangulate?

[@BigGirthyJohnson]

Im speaking out of anger here but It sounds like these people are the ultimate selfish cowards.

[@jlux4481]

I'm a DA and this was informative but so triggering daaamn hahaha 😬

[@nonamenoidea9792]

Never read the comment section. Unless you enjoy reading scorned letters.

[@carolinelaronda4523]

That’s where all the good testimony and information comes from .. the true tea is in the comments not the video itself.

[@DesignerAdvocate]

Why do DA's need time to regulate? Or self sooth?

[@carolinelaronda4523]

Because they have a short emotional bandwidth, and they really don’t have the mental and emotional capacity to process simple or complex emotions so they get overwhelmed and need to deactivate as a coping strategy just to be able to carry on their basic life functions. Literally my ex DA seemed high functioning autistic because of this.

[@mistypfitzer111]

SO TRUE. OMG 💡🤯😁

[@CasualBeliever]

me: we spend 2% of the time together her: sounds about right also me: i'm a certified relationship int3gration attachment coach 😅

[@SofenWrld]

Want to become a relationship coach.

[@dannywholuv]

Mine wants to meet once a month 🙄

[@nightsideoveden]

Yep I know what that feels like, not fun at all.

[@cristinaalvarez6822]

Wow! That's terrible

[@roselandpetals]

Ha. I did that for 6 months and even then it was difficult. It seemed normal to him.

[@Lolipop8686]

I broke up with mine a couple of weeks ago exactly because of this same reason !!!! Once a month?? Is that even a relationship?? It does not make any sense at all !!!!!!

[@Lolipop8686]

@@roselandpetals Damn... how did you manage, is completely unreasonable !!

[@adamfindlay7091]

Can A Fearful avoidant get along with a Dismissive avoidant in a real relationship?

[@blossombrown5408]

Yes.

[@johnmay242]

S N C fear to willis sound organ- in the sky.

[@BigGirthyJohnson]

Stop doing drugs sir

[@Nightswim_]

Ironically, they are the perfect setup for truly manipulative people . Eg covert narcissists who can put up a perfect front for an entire year of dating (I know this from first hand experience watching my mom And adoptive DA father date when I was young) And then truly be trapped once the flip happens after marriage, not having worked through any conflicts or on negotiations etc

[@duncanmac2195]

The problem is women don't care what I want so I really could care what they want. Jump through hoops? Nah, it ain't worth it. Too much work, no reward. See ya...

[@Vollbio3]

I am DA and I tried sooo so much to cater to her needs. Just to be ridiculed when i open up. The DA is well aware of what is going on. Don't be fooled by his poker face. He tries to communicate once, twice and then thrice. You propably don't recognice this as opening up. It's so alien to you. Talking with folded hands like in a prayer did not help. My experience. Then he watches, how will he be treated? He's curious. Okay, first breach of boundaries, he mentions it. Na, your boundary is old and dusty, get rid of it! Okay, next breach. this time a power play in form of an ultimatum. How to get rid of an DA in 3 sentences? "Bad news for you, it's not enough for me anymore, so i want the break up." The DA accepts and packs his shit as calmly as he can. But Fearful Attachers still thinks, that the DA is a baaad person. Because would he have loved me, he would have cried and begged on his knees. And then Fearfuls would still have dumped the DA, because now he's just weak. She told me, that she did this with every guy she "loved". Mmmhh, one even wanted to commit suicide. That made her feel sooo good and precious. I also did it for you, dude who threatened to commit suicide.

[@Vollbio3]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n Exactly :) she has strong BPD traits with her AP Attachment. NPD is her false self. I am autistic, I try my best to learn normal love language. Now I know, i need another DA to avoid the problems. Thank you for your kind words! And whish you also all the best :)

[@carolinelaronda4523]

OK was this a haiku?

[@brianhill6842]

So you are a DA??? The suspected DA in my life….his ex partner did actually commit suicide. They were together 6 years and both of them at one point cheated on the other ….but he has said to me, “you and I will never have what he and his ex had. He says it was an amazing relationship. Yet there was cheating and disrespect. But when it comes to me he felt like he’d be “settling.”

[@Vollbio3]

@@brianhill6842 When it's a trauma bonded relationship, it's exceptional intense. The idealized image of you is like a drug and the sudden withdrawal leads to tremendous resentment. The resentment can turn inwards, so that one wants to die. Time helps and one must leave the victim stance. I can't tell you why the cheating, but it serves some power matrix functions in a couple with trust issues. Some people are looking for this intensity.

[@Vollbio3]

@@carolinelaronda4523 not intentional 😄