6 Things Fearful Avoidants Are Thinking When They Pull Away

[@danilaroche1156]

My ex came off so loving, giving, generous and romantic. He 'courted' me and didn't push me. We are in love or so I thought. I was SURE he'd propose and then BAM he's gone. Huh? Whaaa??? I'm glad I didn't marry him. Life would have been hell. Dodged a bullet.

[@jasonfanclub4267]

Interesting to watch as a fearful avoidant as well 😢

[@calumrobertson1684]

Spot on in my situation. Big one was trust. She felt she couldn't trust me. Said she needed space so I gave her that. I said OK and was willing to work on things. She said I'm in my head at the moment. I said will give me a call when you are ready to talk. About 3 days later she was raging I didn't check in and wanted me to collect my things. Within a week had taken down our pictures together off her wall and changed the house as if we were never together. Blamed me for everything. Then broke up with me via WhatsApp saying she wishes things were different and needed to be alone.

[@danilaroche1156]

Sounds like a borderline nut job. Dismantle soul ties and let God in to help you find the right fit.

[@AZ-ko7uc]

im sorry that sucks

[@sf808opalaman]

Common. Avoidant DA/FA 101

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

Watch out: the thread about money up there, with lots of comments, is a fabrication.

[@human_4real]

They are a plague on this platform

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

@human_4real Yes, one of the side effects of technology.

[@hurricaneaquatics]

Report it, I did

[@ashton1952]

He probably owns quite a few cellphones and wrote all the replies and likes himself, just to be convincing. Sigh. What people do for money

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

@@ashton1952 It's possibly even a computer script, not even a person.

[@Mermaid03_03]

I have gone between all of these. They don’t care me is a constant storyline in my head with one person. It helps fuel my anger to move on. Same with I can’t trust them.

[@landerlaurits]

same... i don't know how to explain this to my boyfriend. he wants to understand how i feel but once i'm feeling better i don't want him to know just how poorly i thought about him. scared that either he won't take it seriously or he'll be hurt a lot by it. idk how to get out of this

[@lucytownsend1176]

@@landerlauritsI’ve been sending my husband some of these videos with a “caption” of “This is how I am feeling and hope we can talk about it.” OR “Hyper independence is painful for us both. I want to work through these pain points together.” It’s a start for me at being vulnerable.

[@landerlaurits]

@@lucytownsend1176 i've thought about doing the same, been looking for the best video to send that perfectly matches my experience without being too short or too long but of course there is no video like that... i'll have to pick out a couple and dare to be vulnerable enough to give some additional explanations but it's scary, and doing nothing seems easier, but what will that do in the long run right

[@lucytownsend1176]

@@landerlaurits I’m almost 26 years in. If you are young do the hard work now. Have the hard conversations. It doesn’t get easier with time. I just finally reached the point of I either do something to initiate a change, or I throw in the towel. 🥴

[@landerlaurits]

@@lucytownsend1176 woah that's crazy, our relationship isn't even half a year old (though i was also struggling with deactivating before we were official) and i already feel like i might be done with how i feel at some point and he might too thanks for the advice, i'll take it

[@mesCheerios]

I really like the way you communicate. It feels compassionate and caring.

[@danilaroche1156]

She's great and beautiful too. Sometimes she sounds like a high schooler though. Oh well...

[@instagamrr]

The whole first 4 minutes was so validating. I was/am a fearful avoidant - I say was because these days, I’m secure in most circumstances, with other secure or mild-to-moderately avoidant people. But it seems the universe wants me to keep learning lessons, because I keep attracting avoidants 😆 So I still watch these videos, especially now that I am partnered and can actively work on bettering my attachment, and therefore bettering myself 😊

[@whiggygirl]

ANOTHER absolutely fantastic video. Thank you so so very much for all of your truly life-changing content. This brought tears to my eyes as I definitely do number 3 and 4, and it made me realise why I act spitefully at times, and that I'm not a bad person, at my core. I'm hurt. I'd never consciously hurt another, and couldn't understand why I act spitefully at times. So insightful

[@roni.cuh.9647]

My FA did this. I asked him for space because of it. He did it again, and I called him out on it. He changed the subject and ended the phone call. I haven't reached out, I'll wait till he calls again. I'm drained with all of his behavior

[@whiggygirl]

@roni.cuh.9647 have you thought about a possible reason why your FA did this? I'm in no way saying you're to blame, but it might help you to resolve the issue long term, if you can identify and then verbally acknowledge to the FA, what you might have done prior to them being spiteful, and then hopefully s/he will acknowledge and apologise for the spiteful act towards you. Good luck 💖

[@Sara-321]

Yep. I am currently feeling all of these things.

[@tycerxyz7534]

My STBXH deactivated because he said we were at a very peaceful time. He loved it but found it boring. We were so secure and said he was happy but bored. The next day he went to work and said he fell in love with a friend he had gotten a job there. It’s been a year and a half of him moving further and further away toward the affair partner and saying that person more aligns with them. Cause he feels free and they have fun.

[@Juniperberrie25]

This is the video I’ve been waiting for. It would be helpful if someone could explain what a FA expects their partner to do whilst they are deactivating? Do you expect them to break up with you? Give you space? Ask questions? Being on the receiving end of this is maddening and I never know what to do next

[@emangrabogadi4613]

Reassurance... I think for an AP- giving them space would be good. They will eventually come around and want to talk it out. For DA- open communication with empathy and reassurance would make the FA feel safer with them. This is from a secure standpoint. The reality is the AP will want to talk things out pushing the FA away, and the DA will shut down also pushing the FA away 🤣💀😭

[@danilaroche1156]

I think you should leave these people ALONE. They have demons. FR.

[@bombimpressionsministries]

They definitely need deliverance ​@@danilaroche1156

[@weiyu114]

You’ve help me lot in understanding my previous self from a couple of years ago, and my FA Ex. We broke up a couple of month ago. If we were ever to get back again I’d definitely get some of your courses to help her get thru some stuff.

[@bRyTNeeLaURyN]

Ugh! I don’t like that I’m like this but knowing I am now bc of you makes me feel seen and understood by ME! Cuz I hate it when I’m in it.

[@sadiqua7]

Very guilty of 3-they don’t care, 4- spiteful reaction but I only get there when pushed. Recently exhibited these with FA ex who is a habitual breadcrumber. I repeatedly expressed my issue with his delayed communication and his response was no one else in his life has an issue with the way he communicates. Invalidation. Seeing he contacted me daily early on shows he is capable, he just doesn’t want to. So that leads me to 5-I can’t trust them. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Tired of trying to squeeze water from a stone. I have other avoidant ex’s and friends that I can call and know they’ll answer, will respond timely..this past one is an extreme avoidant. I give up.

[@mercyveritas1125]

Of course they won't admit failure in communication. That's a subconscious strategy to avoid vulnerability. I bet most ppl have an issue with him if their connections are not superficial

[@emangrabogadi4613]

Haha so true. DAs do this when they deactivate- in the beginning, they show up 💯 but one day just change and make it seem they are busy when in fact you trigger them just as much. DA and FAs trigger each other a lot I think. It’s difficult to move past the Power Struggle with these two but it’s also hard for both to kind of let it go for good...

[@lisamayer9004]

@@emangrabogadi4613Oh DAs definitely use the excuse they are busy, but when they deactivate this definitely triggers me to pull away as a FA. Yet the recent DA I was dating kept coming back to me for some reason. Lol

[@emangrabogadi4613]

Yup, they keep coming back for as long as you leave the door open. It’s a tough trauma bond to break, and each time you allow them back- it feels like it will get better only for them to trigger you and you both pull away. Years can pass with this same cycle..... & the more the years pass, the more it hurts to realize- it won’t change unless both realize the pattern. Otherwise, it’s a rollercoaster of ups and downs!

[@josvel2344]

It's not just confusing but very frustrating. But true love is always challenging. Your videos have been so helpful in my relationship and hope through them it grows to a loving relationship. Thank you so much for having these videos. This guy is struggling to make it work.

[@exploretheadventure9444]

As an FA, Thais hit the nail on the head for every single one of these points. I’m pulling away from someone right now, and the biggest thought patterns on repeat right now are, “I can’t trust them, they don’t care, they never cared, I chose wrong, it’s over.” It hurts because a part of me can see that it’s just fear that’s causing this, but there’s nothing to keep me grounded. I’m unable to ask for reassurance. What makes things worse is that I’m pulling away from another FA. Maybe we really shouldn’t be doing this, or have done this in the first place.

[@sf808opalaman]

Do something different!! Be the change that YOU want!! F alse E vidence A ppearing R eal

[@emangrabogadi4613]

I am an earned secure attached. I relate securely to all my relationships except one with my recent ex- he is DA and brings out all the FA tendencies in me haha. & yes these are all true!!! But when I was fully FA, I did these all the time to everyone! It was a hard time but now, he is the only person that triggers me to become FA haha. Strange, I must say.

[@meganpittman0615]

I am a healing FA and I have a similar story with a DA. You’re not alone. He triggered me more than anyone has. I’ve been healing for 12 years and thought I was very secure at this point until him.

[@emangrabogadi1051]

@@meganpittman0615 ♥

[@roshalllambert]

This was very informative! and it's great to learn the internal worlds of each attachment style!

[@dejajust6286]

Thank you 🙏🏼 Made a lot of sense ✨

[@felonious77-00]

Im in nc with my ex for a 5 weeks today. We were together for years and i didn't realize until nc that he is a FA and Im a AA. These patterns are 100% him. I wish I knew before. I wish he knew. Thanks for the helping connect the dots. With all the pain an FA has, do they ever come back? Seems like an endless cycle of self doom.

[@gatorssbm]

Theyll come back if they genuinely enjoyed most of the relationship and they think youve moved on. Well that and they have some willingness to change, everyone is different so no guarantees on latter.

[@LeeChrissy]

It depends on the person. I'm a healed FA and I typically don't go back to an ex. If they reach out I'll be polite, but that's about it. It really does depend on the connection.

[@ASaTraveler11]

Sorry if I missed this but could you please do a video on how to recover from a relationship with FA/DA? I think a lot of people can relate, especially those who grew up in a healthy family and have a very good support system. It was shocking and traumatizing to be with someone who can't think about others and what their needs are. I think many of us who have tried with FA/DA put ourselves second and went more than halfway to accommodate them only for them to end up running anyways, and of course leaving without any productive conversation. I'm admittedly scarred from this experience and want to make sure I don't discount my efforts, care, and can continue to give my all to my next partner. At the end of the day, nobody deserves a scarred person.

[@josvel2344]

Totally feel you, I'm in one and it's not easy. But still putting up a fight

[@twila2024]

Is there a significant difference between fearful avoidant and BPD ?

[@spacecat8511]

…ouch. Those last few. I run into those A Lot because of trauma being severely bullied + only One Presented Version of my most polite fawning self is tolerated by my family and religious community, but also internalized acephobia that is also perpetuated by societal/religious/familial messaging I’m doing the work to heal through the childhood trauma and take advantage of finally getting to take control of my environment as an adult…but my insecurities for being asexual and not being Enough as a result are much harder-I can work on my wounds to have a better relationship to self and feel more secure in my friendships. But believing my asexuality won’t be this All or Nothing of “either I’m true to my boundaries but the other person feels physically neglected, or I feel like I’m dying inside doing things I’m never comfortable with just to make someone else stay”

[@carlhouseofoliver345]

I So Love your videos!!! They Have helped me move towards becoming secure so much!! Thank you 🙏🙏

[@SamKatlein-jd8tm]

As a fearful avoidant, I have show most of these patterns in both my platonic and romantic relationships. But, I do believe I've come quite far, since now I have two best friends (after braving through those intense flight responses). Although, I don't feel ready for romantic relationships at all, at least not till I get some therapy. I neither want to get hurt nor hurt someone else anymore.

[@laurenmountain-ledoux6901]

Thank you! I needed this today. He’s pulling away again… not sure what triggered it. Consistency of daily check ins stopped a week ago out of no where after telling me that work was insane this week. Gave him space when he seemed distant on Thursday and didn’t check in with him until Sat. He was then very responsive, also texted me on Sunday and was responsive than trailed off… went dark M-W and I just texted him and said, “Hope you’re having a great week!” He responded and then didn’t respond when I replied so he’s now gone dark again. Not sure if I should try to be consistent here and just shoot him another text saying “hope you had a great week”, or make it clear that it appears he needs some space and that’s okay I’m here if he wants/needs to talk, or just let him be.

[@LeeChrissy]

Are you in a relationship or just casual? If it's a relationship, why don't you talk to him about it?

[@barbarasaracini1271]

I would let him be. He knows you're there. He'll come around when he's ready....and then it'll happen again. If you can manage to deal with that over and over, go for it.

[@danielbailey5556]

Let him come to you, the check ins might be pushing him because he isn’t quite ready yet, my girl is doing this now. At this point it’s like whatever happens happens. Stressing just make is tired lol

[@katrianajoyce9]

We just met and it was amazing at first. Then the distance came and it turned into an all out blow oit.foght despite all the efforts I made to soothe his traumas... to reassure his fears. He tore every word i said apart and hurtfully sabatoged. Idk if we will ever talk again.... I don't know what to expect? Help?

[@tycerxyz7534]

He says he wanted our marriage and a future with me but now feels he wants to be single and life of swinging with drugs! The affair partner is aligned with that life

[@and.she_Vegas]

Every pattern…. That’s where I’m at right now. #Betrayal trauma #invisible #runner

[@ejimshalom5480]

Definitely guilty of spitefulness imma try leave in a way I’m sure would hurt you so bad

[@tycerxyz7534]

He says he wanted our marriage and a future with me but now feels he wants to be single and life of swinging with drugs! The affair partner is aligned with that life partner

[@Baconmissfit]

What happens when you have these thoughts after years of fawning, and the situations have happened consistently for the last 8 months. He's not followed thru, he's not being tru to his word on showing up when he says....but when I stand up and try to hold him accountable for him not following thru, it's me being unreasonable and manipulative? I'm just so confused. I voiced what I needed and was only given excuses. 😢

[@misterabsurd]

Wow! The girl I've been seeing has diplayed 5/6 of these. Thankfully she hasn't been spiteful.

[@djp3819]

Thais great info. Very thankful for it. Please slow down when you speak tho, you’re rushing and you don’t need to.

[@katenicholson4152]

Hey PDS, sorry I can’t go through the comments to ensure it hasn’t been stated but your thumbnail or initial video screen repeats the word “are” and I thought you may want to know for marketing purposes. Insightful, resonating video!

[@anzelaiv]

If I remember correctly, for KZbin videos, typos in the thumbnail increase the likelihood that the video will be clicked on.

[@koala01111986]

Just happened 😢 I messed up because of this same example and pushed him away...he seems FA too and pulled away. And now I don't know what to do

[@sshuteandrew]

In time they usually boomerang back, but think if you want to be in a relationship with someone with this painful pattern.

[@koala01111986]

If he starts working on himself too, like I'm doing (thought those wounds weren't there anymore but no, they are still there), I think we can find a way through our triggers.

[@mercyveritas1125]

Consider urself to be blessed and dodged a bullet. These FA ppl will not be able to meet ur needs, so go find someone else

[@koala01111986]

@@mercyveritas1125 I'm FA too and have my own responsibilities in this too. The only difference right now is that I'm trying to work on myself, while he's still waiting to call the therapist

[@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme]

​@@koala01111986 that's so tough and totally relatable. I'm a healing FA and test secure although I still feel like a FA. My ex is what I thought a DA, but the more I think about it, the more I think he might be a FA who leans DA. We still sort of orbit around each other because there's a lot of love there, but we just can't figure out how not to trigger each other. We took turns flipping from anxious to avoidant, but both of us were really good at hiding our anxious sides. Similar to your situation, I did the work to heal and he didn't. It probably could work if we tried again because I no longer feel resentful for the things he did that triggered me. I healed that part of me. Those were definitely old wounds being poked that had nothing to do with him. I wonder if that's what's happening with yours? One thing I thought about is if we ever try again, we will have to have a conversation around our triggers and what we can do to help prevent anyone from shutting down. Do you think it would be helpful to ask him how you can approach things without him shutting down? Like to ask what it is specifically that bothers him and why so you can be mindful the next time. If he's willing to answer that, I wonder if you can ask him if he can try to separate his past wounds from your current relationship? I know this is long, sorry. Lol But my ex and I first sort of fight was before we made it official and I was trying to have the conversation of where is this going which resulted in me saying this isn't what I thought I was signing up for and maybe this isn't a great fit. Somehow he interpreted this as me saying he's a homebody and that I don't want him playing video games. I had NO idea what he was talking about. He even sat me down to explain how his dad tried preventing him from gaming and just kept talking about it. I still had no clue what he was trying to say until his roommate explained to me how he interpreted what I said to him. Anyway, back then I was very unhealed and addressed nothing so it never really got resolved, but now I'm comfortable enough to ask the right questions around a situation. I guess I'm just picking your brain to see if you think it would be helpful and are you comfortable with addressing it.

[@hipnhappenin]

5:11 Isn't that just regular losing interest or discovering incompatibility...?

[@immuta-bull1722]

If you are secure, it is. If you're FA, you are using these thoughts to devalue your partner and "save" yourself

[@salvomig2368]

So, question for the community. Was in early stages of dating an FA, she was going slow first 6 weeks with a few canceled dates too. Then went into full anxious mode and next weeks she was all in, but got upset as she suspected I was still texting other women. True to the FA, unable to discuss her needs. Fully deactivated. I’ve sent her a few texts with last one being would love to be with her but respect her needing space at this time and to reach out if she wants to get back together. So, how long do I wait to reach back out? She never used the words breakup but again, FA’s dance around this and are very vague. Thanks

[@Welegq]

Do these patterns happen in a marriage as well?

[@MrScaryt]

Wish I knew this all along So I have a question if she is an avoidant and she asked for a little space and I just need to chill a little bit and has reached out in the last couple days is that a true sign to just chill or she is heading for the hills. We have been dating for eight months all good times and this is the first time

[@leinad1618]

can FA heal in therapy and afterwards have normal healthy relationship without cheating ?

[@LeeChrissy]

Anything is possible, but as a healed FA, I personally would not hold my life up and wait around for someone to do this. They have to do it on their own at their own pace.

[@harry-james-books]

Yes, but all you can expect is slow progress. There is no silver bullet. Firstly, they have to be willing to face the trauma, which is almost always the last thing they want to do. the fact is, most of them are happy how they are, or happy to a degree where they won't do the work. This is logical, since as far as they are concerned, relationships work fine, it's everybody else who has the problem

[@1224polo]

Doesn't matter how good you are for them, doesn't matter how much love and care you give them they will always find a excuse to discard you. They are fucked up people who need professional help. If they are not healing themselves they shouldn't date at all. Period.

[@leilap2495]

I’m confused as to why I have been told that I am a fearful avoidant, yet if I would follow the advice of this video, I should stay with the abuser. Please explain how one can be described as a fearful avoidant for finally standing up for themselves?

[@anzelaiv]

Who told you you are FA and in what context?

[@leilap2495]

@@anzelaiv a previous therapist told me. I honestly don’t agree, but I tried to understand. She did a lot of questionable things. I firstly don’t think it was appropriate to assert this. The strangest thing she ever did was ask me to change my PHQ-9 and GAD-7 answers for the purpose of insurance payments.

[@russellcameronthomas2116]

It is possible that both are true and valid. You may have FA attachment style, and also you may have (rightly) stood up for yourself by leaving an abusive relationship. Assuming you are completely out of that relationship (breaking all contact, forever), then you can move on to focus on yourself -- growing, healing, learning. Sounds like you would benefit from a new therapist, just for a fresh start.

[@megwelch9960]

Please stop the vocal fry in your voice! It’s hard to listen to and distracts from your content.

[@gillybeans131]

It is just how she speaks. Thais is uploading invaluable content that is changing lives for the better. Let's be grateful rather than trying to change her ❤️

[@sshuteandrew]

Verbal fry?? What’s that

[@megwelch9960]

@@sshuteandrew kzbin.info/www/bejne/h2HcfWV9mt-hm7csi=7JcILhYeVo4vokB7 I meant vocal fry. It’s a cultivated scratchy, creaky low tone used . Not natural.

[@megwelch9960]

@@gillybeans131 I’d want feedback if people turned off my videos (and don’t know about my paid course opportunities) due to a completely preventable, habitual voice inflection. No way she has always sounded like this .

[@stuck_in_sky]

Such a nitpicky comment imo. Not everyone is a singer or radio host. I 100% hear what you're saying though, but I don't see this as an annoyance myself