Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

[@coltenkelso5764]

It’s a never ending conflict in your head of “I want closeness and connection” then when someone wants to get close “whoa not that close” then you pull away. There is a spectrum there also depending on who you’re talking to. If the other person is more anxious then it triggers your more dismissive side. If the other person is dismissive it triggers more of your anxious side thus confusing others in relationships.

[@ks506soton]

The people as well we ask for advice are the people who may of created those triggers in the first place, best people to ask are people who are more successful in relationship with others. Thing is as well some times people need better people around to give them a better barometer of who they are about. Instead of having people around them that project their own perception of them. Which could be semi true.. It depends how deeply honest the people are around them.

[@els2231]

Exactly

[@coltenkelso5764]

@@ks506soton oddly enough though FA’s tend to pull away from securely attached people. I’ve pulled away from many good relationships out of fear that I’ll get hurt. The only way to really work on this is through CBT and self awareness.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

And yet we all have a responsibility to heal our own bag of sh** and not project it onto others.

[@underdogmangalore]

spot on

[@ttytghgfg3322]

"because generally they want that closeness, but they don't think they can rely on people, so it's like they want it, but they think people are gonna disappoint them, so they don't even put themselves out there." she literally put it into words

[@katecooper9158]

I got diagnosed with this attachment style. 2 months later I was diagnosed with BPD. I've ended every relationship due to my own anxiety. Being alone feels safe, but I also long for closeness. I'm hot and cold and it's confusing to all parties.

[@brittelska1449]

FA isn’t a diagnosis as it’s a style not a disorder, to clarify for people reading

[@katecooper9158]

@@brittelska1449 Agreed, sorry - 'diagnosed' wasn't really the correct wording to use.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

Attachment styles are not set in stone either. They can be worked on and can fluctuate depending on the type of person we are in a relationship wtih - ie secure people. Therapy is our friend

[@LR-jo7ci]

Same. I don’t have BPD but it took me 22 years to realise that I’m the problem of all my dysfunctional friendships and romantic relationships. It took me that long to realise that I was the one triggering the downfall of my own social life and it’s due to one therapist who told me that I might search for people who are shallow on purpose to keep them at arm’s length. I craved this closeness but subconsciously picked out people I couldn’t get close to or deliberately chose not to get close to.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

@@LR-jo7ciWe must work on healing our own insecure attachments or be willing to live a life utterly alone. We cannot continue to hurting other humans simply because we are insecure and dont have healthy relational skills. We need help.

[@kaitlyntriplett4933]

having this attachment style is just really rough on the psyche. sometimes after reacting in ways/doing things that push them away you regret it too, you like snap and realize how irrational u were after being triggered. it makes you feel like you can’t do anything right/hard to love. constantly back in forth in your own mind. what i probably hate most about it how judgmental i feel of my partners, (sad to admit) but you’re on high alert for any changes, when they act in a way you don’t deem them to you start listing more reasons why you don’t need or want them anyway for your own protection. then later thinking they are everything and more. when they finally leave it like messes with the ego (knew you were hard to love, hoped they would stay anyways) i just want peace. took two hard breakups to realize just how erratic i was. stayed single for 3 years. now i’m dating someone with a secure attachment and i learn something everyday how i should be processing our relationship (thankful for him) but it’s still hard knowing you’re the toxic one

[@naturalebeing]

I wish you the ABSOLUTE best my friend. It sucks 🤍 and I know what you mean. I’m constantly judging everyone in my life when something they say/do/don’t say/don’t do triggers me and makes me see them as unsafe

[@TopgunOD]

Omg you just described my entire dating life. I'm so heartbroken because I recently lost someone due to this mentality of mine. I felt so alone yet she was there giving me attention and reassurance. She told me she didn't want to go back and forth with me. I literally cannot control it. My mind gets hijacked and causes me to withdraw but feel so needy at the same time. It's exhausting.

[@kaitlyntriplett4933]

@@TopgunOD i totally understand and get what u are going through. that’s a huge fear of mine w/ my current partner. i get not being able to control it. it’s been months after commenting, I have gotten a little better. I still feel like I say and react in ways that jeopardize our relationship or the way he feels ab me. if ur anything like me it isn’t very easy to move on either after them leaving. but i also know after every heartbreak i learn a lot ab myself and what i need going forward. the first step is even acknowledging there’s something really wrong here. next is implementing ways to improve. when i get super anxious and my natural reaction is to be defensive and push them away/lash out/ignore (whatever it may be) I try to just acknowledge i’m in that “triggered state” and literally don’t react/say anything that you will come to regret. even if it’s just silence, that’s better then saying “this isn’t working out, i need to leave, etc”. i learned recently you can’t take back what u say. it’s always better to say less when we get like that. i also have to remind myself I AM worthy of love. it sounds corny but it’s a real huge part of it i think.

[@kaitlyntriplett4933]

@@TopgunOD and i also wish u the best. i think there’s a lot of us out there and they haven’t even watched a video close to something like this to be self aware. don’t be hard on yourself. and time will heal it❤️ we will get better if we just try. nothing is impossible if u try hard enough ;)

[@carolwaters9281]

You are honest, real, and sweet, I can tell! Now we know!!! So let's get to work doing something about it!! Thank you for being so vulnerable!❤

[@joshuatimms1184]

I’ve never been described so fittingly. Yet, I’m left with a feeling of despair.

[@sallybella8824]

Yeah, these videos are not helpful at all looking forward. Just pointing out glaringly obvious problems.

[@nickcollier-webb3327]

@@sallybella8824 at ALL? come on.. at least knowing your faults you can improve etc

[@froggin-zp4nr]

Actually seeing and recognising the pattern of behaviour is a huge step. Talk to a CBT therapist specifically for ways to change your attachment style.

[@Karma-Vendetta]

Same. It hurts but I will now know more how to deal with it. ❤

[@TheStreamsHub]

@@sallybella8824 ok , but awarness can lead to behavioral change as you have more insight into your behaviors. Ask yourself what emotions are you feeling, pull out an emotions wheel and maybe stick it on the back of the phone (ive had mine for a few months and though scary at first has helped me tons) and look to understand your cognitions/behaviors/emotions through the lens of ur attchmen stye

[@Infiniteeverything8]

I push people away so much. I just pushed someone that was actually trying trying to be vulnerable with me. I hurt so many people and mostly myself. I wish I wasn’t like this I feel so empty.

[@kriswebb7134]

As your an FA, can you please give me some advice in what to do? My ex FA or DA broke up with me cuz she was afraid that I would find out shes a weirdo and I'm too good for her. I found this out by her friend not from her telling me and it hurt when I was told about it. We had amazing relationship and felt so good together. She did things she told me that she never did with her exs like holding hands, kissing or feel each others body in public. I believe this was hard work for her but she couldn't help herself. She also told me that an ex went to hold her hand after three months of being together and she split up with him. On top of that, I'm the only boyfriend that has met her parents. She's 35 and I'm 49. She fell in love with me. She never showed emotion and was alsways critising me about anything really. Fortunatly, as I knew tat she was a FA or DA, I simply brushed it off and not once in the time we were together did we shout or argue about anything. She broke up with me twice. The break up lasted only three weeks. I wanted to take it slow the second time round but she carried on where we left off which was very intense. The second time she brook up was a few days before she was goin to meet my parents after being together for 10 months. She wanted to stay friends after and we carried on doing all the things we did before but it was planktonic. It breaks my heart knowing what she was goin through when we together and prob afterwards as well. This was last year and as we live in a small village, we can't help but see each other most days. I believe that she wants to get back together but is too afraid of falling for me again and getting too close. As I recognise that she an FA or DA, if I talked to her, by pointing out her behaviour towards me and the things she has told me, hints that I've got an idea of what's goin on in her head, would that make matters worse? I just want to help her and be there for her. Bearing in mind of the intense love she gave me and the things she did with me and not her other exs, will I still be wasting my time or is there still a chance?

[@katlamb4606]

Just like she said, give yourself and others more time. Time stretches when you're distressed making you feel like you took your enough time but in actuality you pushed someone away almost on a whim. At least that's how I am. We got this, girl! Tomorrow's a new day so forgive yourself. Give yourself some godly grace and much needed love. It will all be alright.❤❤❤❤

[@user-qp6ts2dp5g]

You deserve to feel empty if you go around hurting others. You people always are the victims huh

[@queenofgoldenhearts]

I have BPD and I do have this attachment style, intimacy can be so overwhelming and scary I rather be safe and alone but at the same time it’s just so lonely I even feel stupid about it

[@plushannah]

Same here

[@misakiizome7852]

OH MY GOD I thought I was going crazy. I read up dismissive-avoidant and it resonated with me but then I read the anxious attachment and I agreed with some of the behaviour. Like I CRAVE intimacy but I don't need it. It's like I'm at war with myself. I want to connect with someone but I'm terrified of the other person hating me or they become too dependent on me and out of anxiety I too become distant and ghost them. It's so weird and frustrating. I also have Bipolar disorder so that contributes to it too

[@atefrihane]

I think it revolves around the lack of self-esteem.. I want to help people but I feel pressurized when they rely on me and put responsibility on me.. and for romantic relationship I immediately feel the urge to detach when someone gets close to me so much

[@LR-jo7ci]

I relate so much 😭 I am very irrational. I’ll have this spur of the moment type situation and text 3 different people on dating apps, then slowly I realise what I’ve done and don’t know how to get out of this. I’ll end up ghosting those people and withdraw myself from social interaction for a while, then do the same thing again. I’ve had a mental breakdown because a man asked me out on a date, a man I was talking to on a dating app to say the least 🥲 same with friends. I’ll have this spur of enthusiasm and befriend random people somewhere and then withdraw myself because all of a sudden they are the worst people I’ve ever met. I can’t believe it took me 22 years and 10 years of therapy to realise this

[@npwarr2651]

0 self esteem here but I’m working on it.

[@JohnyJohnatanJohnson]

​@LR-jo7ci you described my situation to a t, I feel like I'm a nightmare :^(

[@lylyginny]

@@LR-jo7ciI was like that but slowly trying to push myself through the texting part to meet people irl. After that I found out they’re all decent people that are willing to listen & understand you even your not so bright side. I usually confess my avoidant behaviors and why I’ve been likely to push people away (when I don’t actually mean it) and if they’re secure can handle it they’ll still pursue you. Wish you the best!!

[@marohadd]

I had to take deep breaths throughout this video just so I don't click away and distract myself instead of understanding myself a little better, I struggle with this more than I even knew and it has sabotaged and still now sabotages any chance I have for a healthy relationship. I am constantly analyzing, untrusting, and cutting off people convincing myself that they never really cared in the first place. I hope with this new knowledge I can go easy on myself, establish new healthy boundaries, and learn how to manifest that in my life and with my partner

[@taetoonice9901]

💯

[@preethiprez]

The takeaway for people to understand: " Understanding your attachment style is not about labeling you or pathologizing your behavior. Instead, it's about recognizing where you fall on the spectrum, identifying your strengths, and acknowledging the areas that may be more challenging for you. This self-awareness allows you to objectively evaluate whether it’s important for you to work on these challenges" As a graduate mental health counseling student, I completely agree with this point!

[@legendgamer676]

11:25 I gave my parents years of opportunity to be there for me as a child and they consistently let me down. I would ask for help and wouldn’t get it. When you grow up in an environment where your emotional needs are on the back burner and neglect is the name of the game then it conditions you to find it extremely difficult and painful to open up to people and be vulnerable in adulthood. You end up projecting your parents on to anyone around you who could actually help you.

[@SnakeBiteWelding]

I want to be loved so badly. But when you do anything to hurt me, I slam my mental doors shut and can never figure out a way to forgive and open back up. It's terrible.

[@MJ-od5sh]

How old are you ? My byf did this at 48 .

[@rchristian5194]

I understand this. I try to force the doors open but, I'm not great at faking it...

[@BlessingsonBlessings400]

Thanks guys for this video, this is something I didn’t realize that I was suffering from until today. It’s been harmful to my relationships and I’ve felt like until today I’ve been fighting at something that I couldn’t really name.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@TheVallex]

"Fighting at something that i couldn't really name", that is totally describing what i'm going through right now, and been going through all my life with my different relationships...

[@BlessingsonBlessings400]

@@TheVallex i understand you … I wish both you and me, success in our relationships the we have, and the ones that are yet to come. The best of luck to you.

[@Safaakroud1]

Me too 😮

[@EvonneLindiwe]

Thank you. I wondered what was wrong with me. Yes it came from my unstable childhood and trauma.

[@brittelska1449]

This doesn’t touch on that Fearful Avoidance often comes from abusive or hostile caregiving, when the child literally fears the caregiver, which is the whole point. Also as an FA I would never get that upset about someone not texting after 2 dates, because FA is triggered in response to closeness and emotional connection, which don’t exist after 2 dates. A lot of us come off deceivingly secure in early dating, due to our interpersonal presence but want to maintain our independent lives. It’s when the connection happens that things go haywire. That example given in the video just sounds like someone who feels a bit entitled and petty, who may or may not be FA. I get that this is a tiny snap shot of FA and for the purposes of a short KZbin video on a channel not specifically targeting attachment styles it’s not possible to do a deep dive, but I encourage anyone wanting to learn about FA to explore the resources out there further. There are some wonderful ex-FAs who now work in the field (Thais Gibson, Paulien Timmer just to name a couple) who will give you an insiders perspective as well as a lot of helpful tools for navigating life and relationships as an FA or loved one of an FA. Other great attachment resources on KZbin include Heidi Priebe and Briana MacWilliam. All of these people get the nuance and can explain things in a way that is both comprehensive and easy to understand, and I think helps a lot of insecurely attached and their loved ones immensely. Happy deep diving (hopefully)!

[@mariaokhapkina6971]

Heidi Priebe is just fantastic, so insightful and sharp and clear in her thinking. Her videos have helped me immensely in understanding myself and others better. Thais is wonderful as well - even though she doesn't go into as much depth as Heidi does on KZbin, her paid content is affordable for most people I feel like.

[@wanderin-wonder]

Spot on!! Thank you for sharing these resources, will dive in (:

[@juliepettit7935]

Thank you for this information. Your comment was the one I was looking for.

[@lalaspap9986]

Very good, they did miss the abusive aspect. I wonder if other attachment styles have had fear/love mixed in childhood, but it seems to me that not

[@spikestoyou]

Has researching this stuff actually helped you move on to a long lasting, fulfilling relationship or are you simply happy that someone has put words to what you now, in hindsight, feel like *might* have been your experience, since memory is notoriously untrustworthy and we are extremely open to suggestion? Because I have been trying to figure myself out for years and honestly the more I think on these things, the more questions I have. It all feels like yet more mbti/enneagram astrology hoodoo aimed at people who are battered and confused from their relationships.

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

People need to stop having children if they dont have their mental & emotional issues sorted out. Unconscious parenting has real life consequences.

[@Woeisme2]

Facts, I shouldnt have been born if that were the case though. And I wont be having any children because my mental health issues are so messed up. Im breaking the cycle and ending it here.

[@giftcards9111]

​@@Woeisme2me too . Childfree

[@rosybuns6670]

Yes! I say this all the time! Why are these dumbass people procreating?! And this is why I don’t have kids also. No thank you

[@Beck-rv7xr]

Something to consider…often people don’t realize their issues until they are magnified before their eyes when they have children.

[@MurdermiesteR]

Everyone has mental and emotional issues. There is no such thing as a normal person.

[@edgreen8140]

A combination of anxious and avoidant attachment. Because their needs were not met as a child. They realize their needs might not be met. Can work on your triggers and reduce your triggers of abandonment and become more secure.

[@Lylydmt]

Ty for saying that we’re not a lost cause

[@CatalinaFOIA]

I have just figured out my very 1st love. He is 100% an avoidant type. Hot/Cold, Close/Far Away, I Need You/Go Away, I Love You/I Can't Handle Loving You. 😮 27 yrs it took me to figure him out. The description of this attachment style on this video is describing him perfectly. Wow.

[@CatalinaFOIA]

I'm the anxious attachment style; so the futher one pulls away the more I want to understand the "why" which futher pushes an avoidant away. 😮 Yet... in my anxious attachment I don't like drama, none.

Fearful avoidant here and working toward a secure attachment style daily and consciously.

[@valentindope]

Magically popped up on my feed. I am now aware and very scared of my new found self awareness Lol

[@aust-n]

Reading the comments on here is really helpful, knowing I’m not totally alone with this attachment style. Lately I’ve been regretting ending a really good, loving relationship that absolutely was fixable and brought out a lot of good in me. I know it isn’t fair for me to reach out to her, and I haven’t, but doing more self reflection and research is helping me feel some hope that I’ll be able to do things better next time, or that if we find eachother again in the future that I can love her in the way that she deserves to be.

[@christinemartinez2485]

Omg! I'm so excited to finally understand why I have been running away from everything my whole life! My therapist suggested Co-DA 12 step free support group I'm running to one right now!

[@4Distractiononly]

This is enlightening. I believe this is the pattern of my attachment with others. I want to mention that causal relationships and that includes most connections are not as anxiety triggering. I often maintain superficial relationships for years and have a normal appearing social and family life . The issue is that the moment intimacy starts to develop, I start to become incredibly irrational and erratic which is so different from my usual personality. Especially in the beginning of specifically romantic and sexual relationships. As long as the person is not threatening my sense of self or pushing that fear of abandonment, I’m fairly confident. I do keep others at a distance because of this. The illusion of my self sufficiency is kept intact and therefore safe. I don’t really have issues with drugs or alcohol, I would say my upbringing was normal insofar as it was not abusive, just inconsistent. I’m not promiscuous. I have hypersensitivity issues which I believe is highly correlated with this disorganized attachment style; otherwise I don’t know how many people could tell how much relationships scare me and how terrified I am of loving someone and consequently, being left. I’ve often left relationships earlier and quickly, and one marriage I had was emotionally cold. I accepted much less than I wanted because at least I wasn’t afraid of being hurt.

[@4Distractiononly]

Other patterns: Relationships with emotionally or literally unavailable partners. Stacking the deck and doing a lot for the person early on to prove my worth and then creating a lack of reciprocation that triggers my withdrawal. Feeling unlovable and fearing being “found out” for being myself. Being mysterious and too available and unavailable at the same time.

[@beelove13]

Please try somatic therapy! I did talk therapy for so many years and talk therapy never changes anything but somatic helped me get free!!! This is good to hear but, don’t let it seem like you can’t get out of it.

[@battletestedbeauty3758]

I like the way that the host, Kyle, found a way to relate to much of this series, and in most discussions on this channel in general. They're in large the same realizations I would have to the discussion topics and I appreciated that, kind of like a form of validation for me. I always wondered a bit where I fell, I learned about anxious avoidant style through this series and I've got something to work with now. Thanks for a great series on attachment styles!

[@HeyitsJade]

The black and white thinking was so good ! Such a helpful tip for FAs

[@Pacifica74]

But in trying to sympathize and understand, never lose sight of where this leaves you. They may be this way, but you have your own needs. It never works to deny your needs in order to make someone who is like this comfortable. They will get fed, and you will starve.

[@foreverkent2225]

Watching this video, I feel like a light just clicked on in my head. I relate to SO MUCH of what she’s describing. I’m thinkin i probably have a fearful avoidant attachment style

[@sza1114]

i have checked a few videos out and i have to be honest, this is one of the best videos i have seen on the fearful avoidant attachment style, although it’s just a discussion. it had a lot of good advices that i’ll genuinely try implementing into my life. thank you!

[@elijahculper5522]

I think this might be me. I prefer short term relationships with friends, romantic partners, employers, hobbies, cities, etc. I like to move around a lot, meet new people, try new things, and then move on. The bits about just following along with what people want you to do resonated with me. When I find people I like, I’m real friendly and accommodating. I’ll do anything they want and I’ll put up with whatever behavior they wanna do. I’m super helpful and I get involved in their hobbies whether I like those hobbies or not. With romantic partners, I’ll rush into things and wanna know everything about them and be with them always and then eventually I move on. I love people and care about them and want them to be happy, but I toxically live in the present. I do what whoever’s around me wants me to do but change who I wanna be around often. I think I’ve prolly hurt a lot of people who I truly do care about by fading out of their lives. There are tons of people who I honestly miss a lot who I still just never talk to. I’m not mad at them or anything. I’m just living my life now in my new town with my new job and new friends and we don’t really have much in common anymore anyway. Nowadays I try to be really upfront with people in my life. I tell them I move around a lot and don’t tend to stay in one town for more than three years or so. I’m totally down to be the most devoted friend or partner you’ve ever had for that much time, but I’m not able to commit to much more than that. I know it’s cliche and douchey. But I don’t think I can help it. On one hand I feel like guilty for hurting people and self sabotage because I feel like I don’t deserve anything permanent and go through that doom spiral. On the other, I do legitimately enjoy moving on and I get bored pretty quick with people. There’s a lot of really high highs when I’m learning new things or getting to know a new friend. But there’s a lot of low lows when I think about the fact that I’ll prolly never have a family of my own and when I worry about what happens when I get old and need to rely on others. Idk. It’s a mixed bag. I think I’ve found the perfect career though. Im a traveling hospice nurse. My job means I can pick up and move anywhere whenever I take a notion. And I get to totally dedicate myself to taking care of my patients and helping them and their families. Then they die and I move on and there’s no hard feelings when it doesn’t turn into a long term relationship.

[@Socharmingjewels]

Omg I can relate to everything u said . This describe me so well ,I thought I wrote it .

[@melissabrock4114]

This sounds like me. But what do you mean by living toxically in the present?

[@elijahculper5522]

@@melissabrock4114 I end up doing what the people around me want me to. I am not very good at assessing what I actually want to do or if I’ll be able to keep the commitments I make. If on Monday, someone wants to make plans on Friday, I’m on board and excited. But as Friday approaches, it’s common that I’ll either be with other people and double book myself or I won’t have the energy or desire to actually follow through with the plans and meet up with the person. I wind up being super flaky and I don’t feel like I have the communication skills or self awareness to recognize when I’m leading someone on. I don’t mean to break commitments and I know that hurts peoples feelings. But it feels like I can’t help it. I get wrapped up in what’s going on in the present and screw up the future.

[@faus585]

so incredibly relatable to read.

[@cyndimoring9389]

It also deprives you of challenging yourself to choose your path since you defer to others

[@cyndimoring9389]

after learning I'm ADHD who hates boredom and needs new experiences, I wonder how much of that has me push people away after awhile.

[@froggin-zp4nr]

After several months of therapy which I took after a very stressful moment in my life, I finally saw the pattern of behaviour I was in and it hurt me greatly knowing all the intimacy I didn't pursue in favour of the short term coping and gratification of superficial relationships. All in fear of being rejected. I never looked fondly back at my childhood when it came to early caregiving, the effect it had on me was greater than I gave it credit for and I dismissed my reluctance to engage in new relations as anxiety or nerves.

[@Ghostgrl94]

Holy crap this literally describes me to a t and I also have bpd so when she mentioned that it totally just solidified everything for me..woww incredible

[@lialu4088]

Thanks so much for this I always thought I was anxious but the fact that when someone hurt me and broke up relationship for that without second chances says all. thanks

[@Shortkonner]

Kyle, you once helped me with my membership payments. I ❤ you. You personally. Thank you so much. I'm now about done with DBT therapy, learned what I needed from y'all, what I am, who I am, this is new to me, thanks for making public. Can't believe only 60 thumbs up, haters 10 extra 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍💯

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@JP-vx2vb]

bro never misses an opportunity to turn it into something about him.

[@NomsLoots]

😂

[@grimsqueaker5333]

Relating something to a personal experience is how some people (especially neurodivergent types) show empathy and vulnerability.

[@elisal98800]

I have always given my best to people who are incapable of reciprocating or appreciating it ... the dismissive comes in when I feel the person is insincere and wants to manipulate or take advantage. I think with a normal genuine secure person I will be normal as well.

[@mannymula1114]

Yes I watch a video on KZbin with someone basically saying if you with a secure attachment style you will be too it may not be as fun because ur not use to it

[@sears381]

No you will not! Absolutely not! I'm secure and my ex is fearful avoidant it was hell. Hot and cold all the time. He would disappear for day and weeks on end and everytime I let him do his stuff while I did mine. I talked about boundaries but he would break them everytime. I let him be and he would come back as if nothing had happened and the connection was amazing and the closer I got to him the farther he wanted to go the next day. I eventually hot fed up and left him for good! That's when he started opening up about his fears and why he clammed up everytime I wanted to have a normal emotional connection. He went on to date and have a child with an incredibly cold woman. Colder than ice and neither of them care or love one another but they're still together. I'm the only woman he's ever loved according to friends and family that's why he was so terrified of losing me or get to close to me because he knew everyone leaves him eventually. The only attachment that works with you people is a cold hearted dismissive avoidant. The type that doesn't even acknowledge your existence. That's where you feel safe even though you won't love them.

[@Nightswim_]

Absolutely . I am mostly anxious /secure with secure people or secure /anxious people. Not to say the only way to healing is to find a rare secure unicorn . But can spot another especially insecure (especially dismissing ) almost right away 😂

[@NathanaelNaused]

No

[@iamsunflower2756]

Thank you really much, I am literally struggling with my very first date in my life due to this attachment style 😢. This video is very helpfulll, thank you very muchhhhhh

[@pinkspiltmilk]

Oosh. I am fearful avoidant. Single for 6 years & recently started seeing someone. He is somewhat emotionally available, will apologize when needed, has pretty much still been there when I return from my 'never want to see you again because of x, y & z' moments but the HARDEST part by far is when it's been a whole goddam day and he hasnt even bothered to message me even just to say hi. Even writing this right now I feel completely and utterly justified in ending it just for this. When the lady above talks about sitting with uncomfortable feelings it's what I have been intuitively trying to do and it honestly feels so wrong to put up not being texted for a whole day & there is not one rational reason I can think of as to why there is an excuse good enough...We will see.

[@doricetimko5403]

❤

[@marsdriver2501]

This is so real, not following through your feelings and not blocking someone feels like invalidating, almost like we shouldn't feel what we feel

[@shellbellhealing]

It's the control element. I think it is reasonable for someone to text at the end of a long day if they are busy. And I have the same style but I've been healing for a long time. Soothe the internal wounds by turning inwards every time you feel like telling him leave

[@J80199]

Be grateful you have someone like that to bring out your triggers. At the end of the day it’s all about you. When he is not texting you back in the manner you would like. How does that make you feel? What emotions come up? And now think about a time you felt this type of hurt as a child. If you can recall that type of a pain, then this is a good time to look into reparenting yourself! Inner child work to tackle your core wounds. 🖤

[@mint_soup9743]

Yeah I agree with you though. When I love someone sending a single short text saying so is so easy, even if I'm extremely busy otherwise, because theyre always on my mind. So I dont get people who can go more than 8 hours with nothing. I dont buy it. 🤷‍♀️

[@alyssonguzman9330]

Love love love this video describes me to a T! I really am so happy you guys are able to put into words and also so light in the delivery ❤

[@talitabotana6992]

You also feel that the work part is true? All avoidants I know seem to really be good at work

[@tiandai7115]

it is not that uncommon

[@dantepatel]

There are levels to it though.... With me, I've actually avoided beautiful women- girls I could have had sex with, too. The fear is so strong and I'm full of regrets afterwards....

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I agree! I come across so many FAs!

[@user-ux6wm3jo9b]

Thank you. I didn't like idea of being alone, even in a category, yet in a smirky way, felt like an individual for being different

[@dantepatel]

@@em7937 I HATE it when people call it a lack of confidence. In every other aspect of my life, I am EXTREMELY confident. I do public speaking and people are constantly impressed with me and want to be around me. The problem with relationships is that past experiences have led me to believe that the only thing a girl will do for me is just destroy and shatter my pre-existing confidence. 2 times, girls have hurt me, and each time, for the next month I was NOT OKAY. I feel I can't trust them and I only stand to lose my confidence and self-esteem from girls.

[@yumeko88]

She said it's the most uncommon out of the 4 and if you look up the numbers it may be true

[@Rinoaeris]

"The rarest of the 4 types"...gee, lucky me!

[@JennaD7207]

I am just learning about this, but this is definitely me without a doubt. And the abusive childhood is spot on too. Its great to know im not crazy.

[@JF098]

All I see online is "You should leave a fearful avoidant. Respect yourself." Like we're terrible people unworthy of sticking around for. Way to double down on our fear of abandonment

[@Laura-kb5sr]

What I'm seeing online is that people with fearful avoidance need to do hard work with themselves so that they can offer a partner the same kind of emotional consistency and safety that they crave.

[@applebutter211]

Wow 🤩 a beautiful friend sent me here to understand them better! 💖🙏🏽 awesome video! I think we ALL can relate to this video in one way shape and form!

[@crvptrvp]

I feel like i'm flipping a lot. With most people, I don't desire to form a closer bond, unless they show interest and I agree. Then there is two routes; either, I am myself and do feel comfy with them, then I do get attached and often frustrated for not having my needs met and blame myself for not meeting theirs and I chase, or I don't feel comfortable and am like: yeah, that was shit, no thank you. Still feel bad. Still linger on them, but cut them off and act cold. First one is always years worth of rumination and wanting the connection back even though it was so irregular, second one bothers me so much that I tend to isolate to avoid people altogether.

[@hansy1305]

Thank you for the remark at 6:10. It really helps :)

[@sidneyboo9704]

My FA always thinks im laying a trap or something horrible whenever I give him any compliments. I cannot tell him anything good or bad anymore or else he thinks im just manipulating him. I don't get it. I am one of the most genuine people who deeply care about him and he just thinks I have ulterior motives.

[@kausha7135]

"This is the rarest of the 4 types." Me, endlessly causing my own suffering: "ooooooh, I'm ✨️rare✨️ 🤩🤩🤩

[@yesewkne6016]

wtf! i feel like this woman is talking about me personally. I just found out i had this thing when i wanted to let go of my girlfriend without her actually doing nothing to me😢 I Have ruined many many relationships in the past by acting out on the spot. Thank you science! Probably saved my relationships forever

[@GrubKiller436]

Attachment Styles: 1. *Secure* 2. *Anxious Preoccupied* (also just called "Anxious") 3. *Dismissive Avoidant* (some can say "Avoidant" as an umbrella term for both Dismissive and Fearful) 4. *Fearful Avoidant* (sometimes referred to as "Disorganized" by some) I feel sorry the most for people who have the Fearful Avoidant attachment style. Not only does their style seem to be the most extreme one... they're also least likely to self-reflect, which is going to impede their progress towards growth and facing their fears. They are so afraid, and their instinct is to run away. They also don't even want to look at themselves. They have a sense that they're not good enough. Trying to put in work to fix themselves feels to them like looking into a mirror that what they're seeing is ugly. They would rather not even look at all. So when it comes to recovery, they struggle the most with getting the ship off the ground. Someone I knew had a bad mother and lacked a father. It is truly sad and I wish we could do something about this. Nobody cares. I hate this system and our culture. There is so much wrong with us and we just don't care. America is corrupt and I think our country is only going to get worse and worse and worse.

[@ks506soton]

I had a catch 22 situation, I’m an avoidant type; but not typically type, that goes from one person to another, looking for honey moon stages. I’m usually on my own for many number of years. My catch 22 predicament, as it shows my own upper capacity to entertain such people who can’t exactly be around to want to build a proper future with. So it’s a case of leaving them. However if I leave then it shows my avoidant wound is strong enough not to endure the downs as well as the ups. In my case I have to find a way to discern if someone is going to bring out the best in me in the long run or not, do I have the capacity in me to bring out the best in them?? No matter what? If my own partner is not really around.. it’s not going to fill me with joy later down the track when they are unavailable, and are busy with other things. All I can do is give my relationship a bloody good go! To see how they unfold to create a decrement if both people want the same things out of life. If both people’s goals are in the same direction then it’s a case of staying around to achieve those goals. If they other ideas then I shouldn’t get in their way. No matter how hard it is to leave them or how painful the decision is.

[@kgomotsomogashoa8870]

After the dismissive-avoidant video, I thought I was imagining things identifying as avoidant, but this explains me to the T.

[@PrincessDollieBunnie]

One of the worst parts of this is being so lonely and starved for love that I'd have relationships with anyone who came near me. Little did I know I was just accepting more abuse over and over. I had no idea what boundaries were, or that I could make them. It makes it really hard to trust people, especially when you do think you find people you can trust/are healthy and they break that trust after years of investing in a relationship.

[@stephanielafever7680]

It’s like they studied my life and casually discussed it. I am very high spectrum completely unmanageable. Awareness changes nothing. I am resolute in decisions. I can phone ten friends and at the end of the discussion I’ll have them all convinced my decision was valid and necessary

[@Seventhcause]

I’m definitely fearful avoidant. I always ruin relationships that are good bc I feel like they’re gonna up and leave, so I leave… or they’re tryna trick me and I leave. But when they leave after I take them back, I always say “I knew I was right” it just reinforces my attachment style

[@JohnDoebr47]

I took an on line test the results say I'm a fearful avoidant. I cannot disagree from that. I'm the 3rd among 9 siblings, so I didn't have much attention from my parents in my early years. When I was 3 y.o. I left my parents house and went to live with my grandparents for more than a year. I was never attached to my parents, specially my father, who I kinda disliked. In adulthood, I struggle to show some emotions to partners. I seldon let them see me vunerable. I have improved a little in the recent years but I used to look like an iceberg. I'm anxious but I seem down to Earth.

[@Rrashestone]

I wish my parents never had me I struggle so much with starting maintaining relationships it’s so lonely and frustrating

[@mickhick619]

I know I'm messed up. I didn't know I was this messed up (not trying to put anyone down). It makes sense, though the more I look into this attachment style, the more the origins of it have come from. I'm going through some stuff that I don't feel comfortable or trusting of others close to me to talk about so what better outlet than a bunch of strangers that I'll never meet. When I was a child my mother was an alcoholic and a single mother of three, I'm the only male child. I found out as a child if I wanted my mother's approval or attention the quickest way to get it was to get her a beer. I'd follow up by climbing on the couch and try to cuddle up to her cause I wanted physical affection this was always followed by physical repulsion by her with verbal berating. So the whole yearning for physical and emotional affection yet the withdrawal from it as well makes sense. I resent my mother for alot of things but these instances is what I resent the most for fuck sake all I wanted was attention and reassurance instead I got physically push away and berated.

[@Charlee4459]

I'm really trying to figure out my attachment style. I am definitely more on the anxious side than avoidant. I much prefer being alone, but I do have a strong desire for a close partnership. I've always been very empathic. I can quickly identify traits in people, and that collection of traits will build a very accurate picture of who that person is in my head. I fall in love with that imaginary person. I get attached, then I get disappointed when despite my willingness to love the actual person like I like the imaginary version of them. They end up not being who I made them out to be, or in my last case, they end up being better. Nobody has ever endured my anxious side. (I'm just now learning about these attachment styles, because I don't want to be like this anymore.) This one lady did. Then I was on the other end of panic. It's never gone right. How will I include this person in my life? I've done damage with my anxious side, I feel shame from it, I feel like I'm less for it, when will they decide I'm no longer worth it. What if I can't satisfy them in all aspects of life. How do I keep interacting with this person once I know them. How will we actually enjoy eachother. All of these thoughts flooding into my brain, the imagination and journaling couldn't keep up. I felt like running, even though I was on the horizon of everything I thought I wanted with the most ideal person imaginable for me. I ended up doing the push pull and they smartly eventually gave up on me. I don't blame them. I hate myself for being like this, but the way out of this is self love, so I'm at an impasse. I at the least have to learn what makes an attachment style stable, and fight my anxieties with mimicking a stable attachment style. This is all so hard. I don't want to die alone, but once that imaginary person started to become a real possibility I realized maybe I rather not face all of those real things that might make a person lose interest and leave me.

[@plushannah]

Yes it’s a rollercoaster,

[@reinmusique]

When my parents came back from vacation ( they never really took me on vacations) I remember crying because I was sad they were back.

[@vianjelos]

I used to cry when I had to go over to my mom's house on the weekend when I was living with my grandparents. It was only for 2 yrs I was living with them full time but it was so much better with them than my mom. With my mom I never knew where I stood. Sometimes she was great others she was dismissive and distant..she also got mad really quickly over little things.

[@kaylycoleman9956]

That part about fearful avoidant types having more sexual partners but never really connecting with people hit home for me. In my young 20’s I would sleep around with almost anyone who showed interest. I wasn’t even interested back most of the time. It’s hard for people who know me now to believe I used to act like that because I’m such a reserved and aloof person

[@nyamuochpaul4279]

Well said. And thank you!

[@nyamuochpaul4279]

Well done. 👐🏿

[@Firiel19]

I don't like the term "Disorganized Attachment." It's more like "Adaptive Attachment" because the child has to adaptively change the way they try to interact with the parent based on what works that day at that time. Because sometimes the parents will react positively to "Anxious" displays of attachment. But when the parents don't react to Anxious Attachment displays, the child tries to take care of themselves on their own -- more Avoidant Attachment. The child tries to choose the best strategy that will work at the moment. Because the *parents* are so disorganized. They react to the same input differently on different days, depending on what mood they're in. Bad parenting!

[@wordsretainpower6250]

"Whatever people what them to do they will.... and Sometimes they won't" lmfao resonatesssss

[@kenshosobad]

My experience of fearful avoidant is lots of push and pull with a hard time experiencing a resting middle ground. Can be disorienting to be in relationship with

[@jeskvell3254]

My dear commenters, I am glad that there are some who also understands and feel the same way 🥺

[@baarbaramac]

I have this attachment style and I feel so bad for it. I have a great boyfriend that even mentions marriage but I can't commit withou the fear 😢

[@_hamzah03]

I took an online test and found out i have this attachment style

[@Shortkonner]

Looking good guys, thank you. I have bpd, thanks❤❤❤❤❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/bWmtdWZtrd6XnM0 similar yet different!

[@bita_zZz]

I wish parents would think and be mindful of their own mental health before having children. Nobody is perfect, but if they could only try a bit to heal themselves, maybe we wouldn't be so hurt as to not even consider having children.

[@nyamuochpaul4279]

I felt this video to a T! If they only understood! 😊🙌🏿

[@carinvanaswegen9384]

Are fearful avoidants explosive and verbally abusive when you have talk about their actions that hurt or bothers you? like a rage and verbal abuse. demeaning, insulting, invalidating and then breaking up with you. rinse and repeat if you ever bring up anything that bothers you?

[@roastdchestnuts]

This is because they want a secure and respectful bond with their parents who always looking to break the boundaries

[@potatotastedelici0us47]

okay what about, I want friendships but at the same time I'm scared that if i get too close it will hurt me more, and that makes me confused whether if i should trust or even continue to establish relationship with them. At the same time im aware of my own emotions, and im afraid that they will leave me when they find out im actually a mess than what they know. Like they might not actually able to handle my mess if i ever got so close to them, to tell them about myself yk. Like being vulnerable to wrong ppl is just so scary. then what am i-

[@hosseinzeinalifard3454]

Thanks for this in-depth video. Just one point: this category wasn't Mary Ainsworth's; it was introduced by "Mary Main" and "Judith Solomon".

[@user-kb8qw7dy4t]

I have an unscientific, anecdotal theory that all rich kids reared by nannies and "abandoned" by their parents (like myself) have this attachment style. It's no wonder we spend our trust funds on drugs and alcohol 24/7.

[@_BlackPaladin]

Can this style develop in adulthood after trauma with failed romantic relationships? My style was secure while younger, but now I feel jaded / avoidant

[@Tam438]

Yes it can, there’s a relationship coach on you tube who talks about this, can’t remember her name though, sorry!

[@Marauder-kd8zi]

I was her first relationship it just ended about a month ago tried to suppress the pain and weeks later got anxious and sad subconsciously and impulsively and blew up her phone cause the communication was horrible and she was emotionally immature in certain ways I’m not saying i don’t have my maturity completely down pat but because deep down I just cared so much about her well being and wanted her to be happy regardless of wanting to be with her still and now all I can do is just give the space and see if she comes around again I felt I scared her off when close to the end I was like it’s not even about love anymore it’s about commitment and working things out and that’s what I want I feel she truly cared but was so terrified during the relationship she was so unsure at times and I could tell she suggested open relationship which is unhealthy to just being up when it’s to soon in a relationship cause the bond and trust has to grow I felt so controlled but like I said it truley felt subconscious and she almost realized but didn’t realize at times how controlling she was during the relationship her dad happened to develop ALS which is so sad I can tell she truly felt alone she had one friend she was so critical of other people and me totally could tell she doesn’t understand emotions the way most people do or at least view or process she did drag performances and I’d go with her she would become this completely different person and tell other performers or friends things I made a fool out of myself on or something I said that I was insecure about and I’d be standing there and she’d use those things against me right in front of me towards other people and when she’s around other people like family or my family and friends she’s not mean but behind closed doors or as soon as we leave and we’re in the car she was horrible it was so unfair I truly care on that deep level for her and I know she’s truly traumatized by things it’s almost as if at times she recognizes her behavior and says I need help I always push people away one minute telling me she couldn’t live without me seeing that at times I genuinely care and am trying to help and she doesn’t know why she gets defensive and mean it’s a huge roller coaster but I gruel there was definitely emotional abuse all about her benefiting her I told you that if you didn’t get a job or a car this won’t work ultimatums but even at the end of the breakup I would say things just to protect myself from being hurt since she still wanted to talk in a way I would say things like if you are leading me on or unsure if you want to work things out please let me know and I even said if you don’t know you don’t know I even gave that option which I feel is fair to say and always got mad saying I’m over analyzing I was protecting myself because she had people shed talk about from her passed that are supposedly closer than friends with benefits she would say they would do mean things and I’d be like why would you want them around if they were like that it’s unhealthy but I didn’t want to be sucked into a hidden agenda when she knew what I wanted so she’s very confusing seemed she would always use people for her own benefit just curious if anyone has some input on this to give me some relief as to what may or might be going on here not on my side but on her side so I can see things clearer cause after the breakup over time I saw all the things that I didn’t see as they call it taking off the rose colored lenses 😢 if anyone knows of avoidance at this age or any insight with any of this it would truly help cause i felt my family never truely understood my point of view because they weren’t in the situations when it was just my ex and I I know she’s toxic but also troubled soul and now that she told me to move on but doesnt and me from snap if someone could please help me see the bigger picture it would give some relief as to if this is all in my head and I’m not seeing clearly or if she really just cares and needs help

[@mielleppens7586]

I am pretty sure that I have this attachment style, and yes I’m sitting trough it😅 again. I am really aware of it and I notice the trigger but the trigger stems from expectations that shouldn’t be made. Compared with my perfectionism it kinda sucks. My partner is an amazing woman and she does so much still my emotions be like pointing fingers at moments where she didn’t do watch I expected. More than my gf can do is almost impossible

[@ceciliabaldi5636]

Something I've been wondering since learning about attachment styles is if there is a possibility they could be caused by childhood experiences that are not related to one's parents. . I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for several years now (not quite at a disorder level, but more in the form of a reactive syndrome) and I see in myself many, if not all of the traits that are related to the fearful avoidant attachment style. Because of that, I decided to ask my therapist about it, but they responded that it was very unlikely for me to fall into the category, because, as dr. Ho mentioned herself, attachment styles are connected to the parenting one received as an infant. . Now, as a young adult, I'd say my relationship with my parents (especially my mother) is a bit complicated and often filled with tension due to several incompatibilities, but I'm not confident about the idea of my parents being the root cause of the way I interact with people and view relationships (my mom used to be a kindergarten teacher, and both of my parents, from what I was told, used to be very attentive and affectionate with me and my sister). . On the other hand, I've always struggled to go along with other kids as a child and I remember displaying fearful avoidant traits while interacting with family members and friends even as a 4/5 year old. . Later in life I got lucky and met a few very close friends that helped me heal a bit from my previous bad experiences and I think I was able to develop some healthier habits thanks to them, but I still very much relate to the disorganized attachment style. . Any ideas? (sorry for eventual typos/mistakes. English is not my first language)

[@thehapagirl92]

So weird how dismissive avoidants are almost always men and fearful avoidants are always women like me. Shows how society tells men to be unemotional and dismissive

[@dedicatededicate]

Ah the man of my dreams. The love of my life. I hope he returns to me one day when he realises I was ready and accepting of every shade he came in. I wish he allowed me to love him the way he deserves. Alas we have to meet people where they are. You can’t be logical in love. It is an affair of the heart.

[@thandozuma8740]

I don't look back, you mess up, i give many chances, but once I get tired, I am gone forever 🙄 for me it protecting my self.

[@link1129]

Is it possible to have both anxious-preoccupied attachment style and fearful-avoidant attachment style at same time or depending of the context/situation ?

[@JHgjvdb]

This is me, I just realized that I fear marriage, I'm 37 years old this june and i never been in a relationship before because the thought of it and getting married really scared me but at the same time i knew i can't keep this up because I'm not getting any younger and in my mind i want to have a family and it's really scared me to the point i wanna have suicide. The thoughts of getting married really scares me until i have ED last december because of a girl i've been meeting up with for 5 months asked me about marriage, it's really hard for me to take a step forward. Sometimes when I'm alone or not doing anything my mind keep thinking about this and makes me really scared and have panic attack like my heart beat faster and short of breath until i cried sometimes and my mind always saying things like i'm not ready, i'm not good enough, nobody want me, you're getting old, there's no time left for you to get a wife . If you ask the number 1 reason why I'm afraid of marriage i don't have the answer right now but the number 2 reason is like i don't feel confident to provide with my family with what i have right now in term of money, skills and the job i have right now. Really need advice or solution to this fear of mine

[@TheWellnessTemple2024]

Great session as always.grateful 🙏

[@dannysunwantedopinions]

To me that doesn’t sound like an “attachment style” but rather a “detachment style”. Many people are unable to give/receive love. That’s just a sign of being deeply wounded.

[@Grigeral]

Yes and no. This is pretty much me to a T, but if I find someone I feel I need in my life, I can become extremely clingy out of the fear that they will leave if I'm not 'visible' for a period of time. It's kind of like one extreme or the other and it sucks... Caused nothing but problems for me :\.

[@dannysunwantedopinions]

@@Grigeral I’m the exact same way! I just went through a break up with someone I love but she was emotionally unavailable and unable to give me any reassurance. Everything was fine as long as the conversations were superficial but whenever I wanted to go deeper she would become uncomfortable and distant. I realized that I have a tendency to date these “types” because I, myself, am also fearful of getting seriously attached and so this way I can just blame it on my partner. 😩

[@Wes-Tyler]

At first I was like "wow this is exactly me" and then when you started talking about fear of abandonment, I was like.... hm... man I WISH people would abandon me. That would be so nice. edit: No this is definitely me. Agree 100% with everything else

[@kid-ava]

excellent video. I feel very seen

[@airressunplugged1994]

The problem that I have with these videos is that most of the “experts” that speak on it are only going off of books and not actual experience. It is not true that FA or DA will cut you off and be gone forever. They cut you off and then come back over and over again. When you try to cut them off they fight for you to stay. For an AA that is pure torture and telling an AA to just leave them alone and work on yourself is coming from a person who has truly never experienced being in this type of relationship. It’s torture and walking away is not easy especially when the person won’t let you. 😢

[@Laura-kb5sr]

Spot on.

[@ariesblood6289]

Does it help as a FA in a relationship with an Anxious lady if she broke the trust early on in the relationship. The very thing I feared ( being vulnerable and then getting burnt happens early on) did not help me further down the relationship. It is difficult for FA to be in intimate relationships but I am certain that the event earlier on in our relationship did not help either.

[@iami2596]

I feel I have the fearful/avoidant attachment style and have realized this. Can this be caused by rejection from friend groups? My parents were fairly supportive, but I feel the problem evolved from relationship with my peers.

[@alinaromina442]

thank you, matches my experience

[@jkleins2869]

is this why they would leave you for someone else they just started to get to know?? and repeat this pattern of going all in with someone only to leave for someone new once it gets too real?

[@kaitlyntriplett4933]

for males i think they react more this way then females with this. but yes perhaps.

[@tuma0000]

Thanks for sharing❤

[@TelxZaid-fl8nq]

My god I feel very understood 😭

[@clavate]

I have fearful avoidant attachment with friendships and relatives. For romantic relationships Im anxious preoccupied/secure. But I wasn’t always like this. I really think I had secure attachment but it’s only in the last decade or so that this started changing. Why am I all over the place?