60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 22 - Create What They Hate

[@TimFletcher]

💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.

[@catcat9582]

I'm so tired of trying to heal

[@greg7404]

I understand exactly what you mean.

[@wheeljackx3]

Same here ;_;

[@Kallenxo]

Just when I feel it’s better. I spiral again.

[@tidaclockers6214]

I feel you

[@corinnefowler4095]

Hypnotherapy.

[@volkerd714]

I think a big part of this is, beyond "not being able to listen to danger sirens" is not about danger but about safety - not having a reference point of safety to serve as a guide and provide a means for survival.

[@kimberlyfowler5748]

Jesus

[@LLindsey1427]

Yes 100%

[@muscularclassrepresentativ5663]

Yeah those mechanisms must be interacting, you get used to excessive vagus nerve activation that would cause most to fight or flight, and your model for home and what you understand is dangerous so safe places feel uncertain

[@onakochafiołki]

100% true omg

[@archetaro]

@@muscularclassrepresentativ5663 agree, also just wanted to add stable csituations feel boring or under stimulating. We think we don’t want drama but unfortunately a lack of drama is perceived as a lack of fulfilling interaction.

[@joshfrench6426]

Families systems absolutely hate when someone tries to break the cycle. It's a never-ending battle

[@Irish-juju]

💯That’s why I’m the black sheep and I can say it doesn’t bother me but it does in some fashion.

[@jentzi23]

That is completely true.

[@thelastwildcolonialboy3667]

Its not a battle when you stop giving a damn what they think

[@НаталияГорохова-з6у]

True, I see it clearly

[@jenster29]

​@@thelastwildcolonialboy3667 while true that's the actual battle for a lot of people. I assume you're a man?( absolutely not meant as an insult) I only wish I could develop the same attitude so easily. My brother has it a long time and he tells me to also. My husband is the same with his toxic family I think (and I don't know the reason) it's harder for women to cut those ties. Maybe it's biological, maybe it's ingrained in us, maybe it's brainwashed in our particular family systems Am working in it and it has gotten better but to be honest it's THE biggest hurdle.

[@B0ltSp33dMaN]

This is so spot on. It’s really shocking how much these videos have opened my eyes to bits of my own behavior. It’s sad, and I have so much healing to do. God bless this man.

[@g.s.632]

Same!!!

[@75ENVY]

Gosh I agree .. I found this man a few years ago And see myself in most videos . It’s so overwhelming

[@Therese76810]

I feel the aame❤

[@hisomeonetrackingmuch1309]

Except the radar part. The person molesting usually is someone the child WANTS to go with, at least initially. We do a grave disservice to our children in painting molesters as monsters: not because they don't do monstrous harm, but because they charm children. They attract children. So, as a child, you learn not to trust you gut, because at first, your gut said, " this person pays attention to me. This person LIKES me". THAT is what messes with ones own intuition. It is a trick

[@loudognation]

Just discovered this and it absolutely destroyed me. “don't want my kids to make the bad choices I made" 😢 and the idea that my beautiful child can somehow be infected by my own childhood is heartbreaking . This neverending explanation loop in particular is driving me insane.

[@VictoriaVictoryable]

The video barely started , i am already crying 😂😂 . This is too real. May God have mercy and grace for us all!

[@jennifercovel4910]

​@@feboptopt haha you just wait buddy

[@coreycox2345]

You can't prove that@@feboptopt . Wake up yourself.

[@saltandpepperandmint]

@@feboptoptwake up??? Maybe you should take your advice 🤣

[@karensim1362]

@VictoriaVictoryable And so brings this phase of your healing journey! Blessings 🙏🏼💗🙏🏼

[@tmking7483]

BITE Model _ that's the only social model u need to discern the nightmare of humanity _ your going to have to eat your family to survive

[@saras.2173]

33:37 self-fulfilling prophecy…being needy and wanting people to be constantly available and respond to you perfectly every time otherwise they’ve let you down and your belief that everyone disappoints and abandons you is confirmed

[@nadineelizabeth195]

What if you have a feeling that person is playing games with you and it's not a normal slow response

[@aaronmcpeakofficial6256]

all people are needy and we are in a dysfunctional system period

[@aaronmcpeakofficial6256]

the us sociological structures are dysfunctional

[@wanderingseth]

​@@nadineelizabeth195this is what I'm wrestling with. My "best friend" has gradually distanced me and I'm so sick of it. But if I don't react positively, I'm the one with the problem. He'll ask how I am and then wait two weeks to reply. It takes away my peace so I've given up on trying to reach out and share anything.

[@lolaispure4296]

​@@nadineelizabeth195 you are lying to yourself.

[@Jsmoove8k]

Being a people pleaser is like a survival tool in certain households. The moment you displease and showcase your own way of thinking and lifestyle… it’s like you have to feel shameful for it. I’ve been growing out of this and I definitely started unraveling all the cognitive dissonance in my head in situations it didn’t really need to be there.

[@Ultralined]

My current reality.

[@deborahthompson9775]

Amen

[@marlenelindsey7638]

It’s one of the 4 types of personalities that come from trauma.

[@jenrich111]

yes also called the "fawn" response. fawn is prolonged neglect and unstable danger.

[@TinLizzy1]

Wow, this was spot on!!!! I am a magnet for relationships that are toxic. My parents were cold, didn’t like babies or toddlers. They were emotionally, physically, and psychologically abusive everyday of our childhood. On top of that,my mothers birth control failed and I was conceived. They hated me for it. I am 50 years old, and I can honestly say the most wonderful experience of my life was becoming pregnant with our son. Determined to raise him completely different from my parents, I did make some of their mistakes, not having any guidance. But I wish there were parenting classes for young women, and more women willing to help new moms in communities. That would have helped me tremendously.

[@louisebotos7321]

it's a tough journey...❤

[@ragepig1059]

Monogamy is misogyny.

[@jedahn]

My mother always said I was an accident. I found out a few years ago, it wasn't true.

[@TinLizzy1]

@@jedahn I am sorry to hear that she would say that to make you feel that way. They have no idea that what comes out of their mouth is a sword to the heart.

[@SkyRiverhawk]

In traditional communities, women gather daily in their day while working - discussing their lives, children, relationships, ideas, goals etc. They have support parenting, elders, and can sing and weave strength, culture and stories into their communities. We need to re create this gathering times and it can be big work.

[@juliao1255]

I have seen that I overexplain, and I haven't figured out how else to handle the situation. It's often the case that I am not getting any feedback from the other person that they understand, so I keep going. I have since learned that most people don't want to understand.

[@Freedom_Half_Off]

That last part is key . The vast majority of people only care to understand anything if they see a direct easily diagrammed benefit in it for themselves .

[@aaishasingh3565]

This is 🎯

[@BillieGirl.83]

I do this. It's exhausting.

[@nillehessy]

and they probably don´t respect you and delute themselves they are better than you and that what they keep themselves busy with is better than all that what you are doing what do you even do all day why dont you go and do this or why not go and do that are you looking to go and do something like that - and it doesn´t even matter cause it´s never good it´s never just good

[@natatattful]

Exactly, they just look at you blankly

[@ts3858]

The short answer is that they subconsciously create situations they want to avoid bc they are 'familiar' with the trauma..etc

[@Pugetwitch]

Exactly, they are comfortable with the pattern and they don't realize that there is a way to break out of it, they have to be retrained it's a new patterns. While they do that, EMDRtherapy is highly recommended.

[@redfo3009]

Totally this is me :( …

[@testtest2609]

​@@PugetwitchThey are programmed to create what they hate. They have controllers, reporters & managers programmed in them that identifies independent desire & blocks that to enact obedience to programming instead. Check out DID & alters & how abuse creates introjects that persist in the abused person. Same with mirror neurons...empathic people feel the thoughts/emotions/desires & think they are their own...so they get "robotized" (Judith Herman) which makes them a compliant, subjugated person.

[@AnEsotericMind]

That's not what he said at all.

[@Jhuikopl]

​@@AnEsotericMindI hope people watch this for themselves. Smh.

[@BetsyRebel]

Wow this describes me perfectly. I am just now starting to realize how much the abuse I experienced all throughout my childhood really affected me. I always thought there was something wrong with me but really it was unresolved trauma that I need help getting healed from.

[@tmking7483]

BITE MODELS are excellent tools for survival

[@ThanksGiving-c9u]

💗🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

[@aneliadraganova3504]

❤

[@JennyJAldrich]

SAME

[@wendyhandley9463]

I stopped the rot of generational trauma, I didn't have kids , the buck stops here with me, I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody

[@itsamerrylife9128]

That’s not really how you stop it. You stop it by having children and securely attaching with them and passing on a heritage of love, value, acceptance. Not having kids is still a fine choice if it’s what you need but it’s not the solution to trauma. Love is.

[@AlexandraWroblewski]

Me too.

[@SpectrumOfChange]

​​@@itsamerrylife9128I would argue that love is not enough to stop the cycle of trauma. Love can be very sincere and very distorted. Some family's trauma is bad enough that it's going to take many decades of active healing to get to a place where they could raise children without seriously damaging them. It's important to respect that we don't know the situation someone is coming from. Some of the stuff out here is worse than most folks can even imagine. And love, beautiful and wonderful and important as it is, is not enough to heal that.

[@SpectrumOfChange]

I commend your choice and action with not continuing the cycle. It's a damn strong choice, and a lot of people may not understand or respect it. But it is effective. I hope you're also able to get the support and healing you need in order to be at peace in yourself for your own peace and contented life.

[@spiritofmatter1881]

​@@itsamerrylife9128 One needs to have secure attachment themselves so they can provide. Giving from a full cup

[@trinleywangmo]

Hands down... I've seen thousands of talks in the past five years and this is the most thorough, most succinct description of what it's like.

[@winonafrog]

Yes I agree.

[@Neelysmusic]

Wow this is amazing! I'm a therapist and I got more out of this than I did from trauma trainings that cost $$$$. Thank you! I'm going to keep listening to you. You speak in a way that makes sense to me & would make sense to my clients too. You are helping people with your videos!

[@Tom1.7]

Your a therapist and your borrowing things from a KZbin video that makes me unsure of therapist. I’m taking your name down I’m going to avoid you at all costs. lol, just saying that if you got more out of this one video out of all the training you spent over the years that’s very scary to hear about therapists. That’s why people are turning to online therapy for free. You guys are going to be out of business. I’m glad you admitted this. Thank you so much for your honesty.

[@o.o451]

To be fair... it takes time for the newer studies to be taken into consideration, added to the DSM and then also added to school curriculum. I'm not a therapist and I'm not actually fond of therapy myself due to my various repeated unsatisfactory experiences over the course of the past 10 years. But I think I would've rather had my plethora of therapists more informed beyond their typical education. I think I would have fared well and I wouldn't be so jaded by the thought of therapy. ​@vance641 like... I hear what you're saying, but I respectfully feel like you're mad at the wrong thing

[@yiqu6854]

@Tim Fletcher, you are the best therapist i have ever had. Just by watching your videos, I have learned so much about my childhood trauma, cptsd and its detrimental effects on my adult life. I have more peace and understanding of who I am and what I can do to heal the trauma and to become whole again. I also enjoyed hearing the bible stories and learned much from them. God bless you in all you do. You are truly a gift to humanity from Him. Thank you!🙏

[@ilovesamyo]

My gosh this is so honest and beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I feel the exact same way about this channel. Deepest gratitude

[@karensim1362]

@yiqu6854 Agreed!

[@karensim1362]

@yiqu6854 Agreed! Grateful to @TimFletcher

[@Hammondchris]

Years of therapy and I have learned more here on this channel. Grateful

[@Aurora-e6o]

Amen! Same here! I love all the detail and how real he is.

[@carolgarrett1786]

Tim is so wise and clear and balanced in what he is telling us. Listening to him is so helpful and nourishing.

[@SpectrumOfChange]

Balanced is exactly the word. Talking about the behaviors and people's responses without judgment for anyone involved.

[@shopi3585]

One of the most important videos I've watched about ptsd please never stop sharing these videos

[@rebeccabrown251]

I'm realizing that I ran away from becoming my mother just to find out that I am just like her and what she created in me is what I passed on to my children. I treated my children like just like she treated me and now they respond with the same hatred that I had for my mother, and now I hate my mother and myself even more. I've been carrying the shame of my mother and the shame of myself for so long and I'm tired, my soul is screaming and my heart is broken. There's no coming back from this.....

[@katnip198]

Yes there is a way back. Go deep inside and ask the way.

[@RoyalSagittarius]

How do you get inside?

[@jazzy7459]

I feel your pain and going through a similar experience by the sounds of it. Don’t loose hope. There IS a way. And you are NOT your mother. You deserve to be happy and find healing. Until we die it’s never too late. To acknowledge, to recognise, and to find ways to heal from trauma. Im trying. Peace and blessings

[@clariba3452]

Keep looking. Things will open up. Different things work for different people at different times… silent sitting aka meditation can bring much insight, ‘the work’ by Byron Katie is a handy tool…

[@lithelily]

There is power in forgiveness. Apologize to your children (when they're adults and out of the house)

[@sookiebyun4260]

What I did to please people gave them the reason to not respect me. It look years for me to realize this.

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[@steceymorgan814]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

[@patriaciasmith3499]

Yes, dr.sporessss I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@elizabethwilliams6651]

I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.

[@steceymorgan814]

Is he on instagram?

[@patriaciasmith3499]

Yes he is. dr.sporessss

[@christineplaton3048]

Great. I'm trying to avoid getting into a bad relationship. That includes family friends etc. I'm sick of it. Where are the healthy people? You are kind of right I feel like a magnet for nasty, messed up people. To say the least.

[@lithelily]

I think this "look for the healthy people" idea is going to get people stuck. Healthy people are only looking for healthy people, they maintain boundaries and don't get involved with unhealthy people. We also don't have a great internal compass for what healthy looks like. How can we look for it? We can, however, model ourselves after people who share their stories and wisdom publicly. We can find guidance. We can go through the process of healing with our sick friends.

[@franceslothian1319]

Yes you do need to get healthy first and part of that journey is noticing when you are being drawn to unhealthy people. Another part of the journey is being with people who are in recovery. I was in al-anon for a while and that really helped. You could say they weren't healthy either but at least they knew it and could see the red flags. Finally if and when you find healthy people be aware that you won't feel right being with them. They may seem boring or maybe intrusive. Try to take a step back. Try to look at that person objectively and decide maybe this person is good for me. Maybe boring is actually lack of drama, maybe intrusive is actually desiring closeness and authenticity. It's tough and it takes work. You can get there, the longest journey starts with the first step.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

It is difficult. I have come to realize that I made unhealthy relationships all my life, but over the decades my friendships have become less and less neurotic. Now at 46 I refuse to make any unhealthy new friendships. The one big problem with this is that I am absolutely terrified of normal, healthy and boundaried people , their rules of behaviour do not feel like “home”. But I’m sticking with it anyway for once in my life, I’m dealing with it by having fairly superficial friendships with healthy people, and hope that my courage will increase over time to become closer. It’s a problem because to open up and be more authentic and truthful about my family “baggage”, I fear “normal” people will do a runner.

[@trinleywangmo]

I liken it to a dance... our messed up parents teach us how to dance in the world... and we seek partners (they US) who also know the dance we learned... until you're willing and able to "dance to another tune" we're trapped in a cycle of _Evil Tango!_ We may be outstanding dancers at this Tango, even... but, we can learn to dance the Fox Trot, too! Even IF that's much more boring on the surface. Or opt for a Viennese Waltz! But, IDK what I'm saying... I'm all alone at nearly 54... and never have any intention (after the most recent re-traumatization) to marry or get involved intimately ever again. Dancing is overrated.

[@lauragreaser3461]

This speaker is amazing.

[@elle-louise-selene]

I've come sooooo far... It's a retraining, to trust my gut, because my gut speaks loudly, and to learn consciously what is acceptable and better than, (because I deserve the same care and love that I offer)...in our rules of healthy engagement, AND to be OK with abandoning the wounded (narcissists are wounded).

[@lauratyler4863]

So many ways we have been hurt. But only one way to heal: love ourselves.

[@KareninaParis]

The more important question is why people can move from initially liking someone to regularly and knowingly disrespecting them simply because that person is nice or has poor boundaries. It seems to me the problem is not with poor boundaries but with people deciding they are entitled to be less courteous to others than they would allow others to be toward them and to consistently seek opportunities to behave that way toward people they fkn LIKE. Wtf?

[@thelaziestbee]

Yes, the missing piece is the human nature. One just can't be caught off guard.

[@amelian9677]

💯

[@alexandradavis7256]

I have to say I feel this to my bones and have experienced the difference culturally with how we see things in the United States as opposed to other countries. For instance, Europeans do not feel the need to have a contest over who works more hours in a week they take long lunch breaks that actually are dinner breaks and they take a nap after they have a huge meal. They know how to relax they value family time they value each other. Our country is so wrapped up and who’s got a bigger butt, prettier face more Botox, better products to make your skin not age how much money is spent on shoes clothes cars we are materialistic and we are selfish. Our government encourages us to do this. They also encourage dependency. We are not a democracy. We are shit show and I’m to the point where I’m going to start looking for housing and a lifestyle that does not include this crap anymore.

[@2121heatherh]

I definitely think this too! It's the same for autistic people, a bully magnet.

[@CaroleWebster-x2s]

I went along with everything and didn't feel conflict. I always thought the other person knew more than I did and always doubted myself

[@catcat9582]

Cptsd feels like a pre req to purgatory

[@TheJennifer55555]

Hahahahahahahahah that is such an awesome observation

[@906-p6i]

Purgatory, unfortunately, is a lie. Not in the bible.

[@sighidk786]

@infiniteshoeblackAbsolutely.

[@lawofliberty3517]

​@infiniteshoeblackI beg to differ. Following Christ's path the best I can has led me here. Yes, religion and surrounding yourself with narcissistic behavior can make you feel uneasy, bring out your insecurities and toxicity, there are good people in churches though🤷🏼‍♂️. It was our divine Creator who saved me from my carnal mind, not a church or religion. A path from a teacher of love, compassion and desire to seek knowledge, healing and hard truths. If you truly seek with intent, through your heart, knock on that door, it will be opened. He loves you. Blessings and Love.

[@rockstarofredondo]

@infiniteshoeblackTHANK YOU!

[@AcceptandAct]

Yep. This is very common and also often referred to as re-enactment. Also has to do with unconsciously trying to "resolve" or "undo" or "control" the trauma by putting ourselves in similar situations and expecting / shooting for different overcomes over and over again. We need to learn to be self-aware enough to wake up to this pattern so that we can change it. And a part of being able to do that is learning enough emotion / nervous system regulation so that we can stay self-aware and in control

[@GretchenKeskeys]

This is excellent. And the one that just made me break down in tears because there is so much truth is: a trauma background creating new trauma in adulthood. My childhood experiences have not nearly been as painful as my adult ones. Even as a faithful Christian, I was not listening to that gut. I have been trying to recover fully from some things that happened caused by this. It has been very painful, and God is healing and freeing. But this is one of the most helpful explanations I've encountered as to why this painful adult trauma happened. I have to trust to work it all out for good. And pray I can stop this cycle.

[@mayradelgado1814]

Same exact same

[@cha9937]

I could have wrote this. Praying for you Christian sister ❤️

[@carolgarrett1786]

Cognitive dissonance....Wow! Thank you! Now I know there is a word for it. I am getting SO MUCH out of these talks. What a blessing of understanding you have given me Tim. Thank you🙏

[@letgooftherope]

This me. Im changing for the better. Its hard work to change long time beliefs. It is very possible to find happiness.

[@nicoleneal4329]

I've been in therapy for 20 years, now going to school to be an MFT and this lecture just answered every question I've ever wanted answered. Thank you, and thank you @theovon for showing us him!

[@Timebend2025]

I'm sorry for the parent I was. I wish I knew these things and could have done better. It's never to late to learn. Wishing my beautiful girl the best birthday yet ...I am so sorry my trauma caused her harm. Always the last prayer before sleep and first upon waking. God bless everyone try to break generational trauma, as well as whAt you picked up along the way.

[@retrofish5705]

Amen

[@SpectrumOfChange]

Indeed

[@PraiseOnMyLips]

Unbelievable! That you so nonchalantly talk about trauma and harm you caused. You should be reported to the authorities.

[@SpectrumOfChange]

@@PraiseOnMyLips I don't read the message as being nonchalant at all. They are saying it's their first and last thought of every day... and they are here, doing the work now, to heal. I'm not sure there's any more we can ask from ourselves or others, than that. Is there something else that you feel is missing?

[@jennifernowicki7657]

I hope you tell her, and keep telling her and show her by your actions. I am 50 and words from my father like that could help me heal. It’s exhausting (feels impossible really) to heal by yourself. I could forgive him much more deeply if I heard that from him, if he saw the pain his actions, or inactions caused. Your admitting your downfalls gives hope. May you keep moving forward.❤

[@anniemac7545]

Thank you Tim, watching from Australia. I am diagnosed with complex ptsd. I've been bingeing your videos and they really speak to my experiences. Unfortunately for me, the cycle continues because I didn't know how to change the inevitability. So much, and because of my age 64 and knowledge wasn't available until the last 15 years, I have become secluded and reclusive. I continue to talk to my trauma trained psychologist but I know my recovery is only at a minimum.

[@TimFletcher]

Thank you for your comment. If you want, a good place to start is the Healthy Tools series which goes through the 12 Basic Needs. Recovery is long and hard - a lifetime of work. But very well worth it - for yourself and your loved ones. Don't forget to look back to see how far you've come to this point. Wishing you much strength as you continue on.

[@darrenmontana2254]

i feel your pain. im 63 had a massive mental breakdown 5 months ago.3x sexual assault ptsd, suicidal etc. lost my 33 year disfunctional marriage, my fault mainly. took a 120 g dose of mdma ,not extacy. game changer instantly. in a way better state. not perfect but manageable and workable. find it on the internet and get it tested before use. it gives you a hole new perspective on yourself and life. if i didnt try it i would be dead.give it a shot, you will appreciate it. i think your gov. is just starting to allow it for treatment. sometimes its too hard to qualify to get in and jump through the hoops so do it yourself. just relaxe and let it happen and go with it. you will never be as free without it. best thing i have ever done for myself. ask me more if you want. from canada

[@leanne123]

It's not your fault. Thank God the information is coming out about trauma and its effects. I am 66 and, like you, I wish I had known about generational trauma a long time ago. At least now I know what happened in my own life. I didn't raise children so I didn't pass my trauma on. Unfortunately my brother has had children and I am afraid that he might have verbally abused them. 😢

[@positivevibe7684]

You truly hit on something when you spoke on being your authentic self, and your family sees you differently, which causes conflict. Wow, that's what im currently going through. However, I am choosing to continue to be who I am. Yes, it's a struggle, but I'm determined to stay the course, and finding it does get easier. ❤❤

[@sarahcouture24]

I’m angry about how many needs of mine must’ve went unmet in my childhood 😡 I relate to every example. My life is so painful because of all the things that my parents withheld. This sucks man.

[@williehaller5840]

Knowing is an important part of healing. It's good you feel your anger. What's underneath?

[@sll110]

me too, my mom truly evil to me

[@reallythere]

I heard you 💕 no love 🙏 no support

[@sarahalderman3126]

Yeah I feel the same at times, even now. What’s almost worse is when you come to the realization that they withheld what you needed because they simply did not have it to give usually because they never had their needs met. Exactly like he discusses at around 19:30❤ Edit: fixing time stamp

[@SamO-mh8vs]

Same here but the only thing that has helped is my relationship with God. He’s my counselor my friend my savior my Father. He’s the one that is always there for me! Trustworthy Honest and Forgiving.

[@gigischuster3078]

As a CPTSD Survivor put through hell by biological parents, foster care, foster care potential parents, school bullying, then my adoptive parents ashamed we weren't able to be normal couldn't fix us so they talked to community service who said throw them in a SIP home we can fix them.....they didn't fix me they abused me and I was sexually violated in the sip homes and because of that while my adopted parents moved on with life while leaving us there the abandonment I will never forget or forgive. Why because when we were adopted I believed to have better life and never be abandoned again, but then when they finally realized they made a mistake after sticking my bro and I in SIP homes the damage was done, then treated diffrently talked to as if we should be dumbdowned by adoptive relatives and them not understanding us we felt useless and didn't belong there so then why were we adopted. Just to be discarded and then apologize for the suffering in a SIP because they gave up on us, just to not truly feel like we belong at family gatherings.....all this has lead to my severe CPTSD, each day is a battle, each day I live walking in fear and on eggshells. Now I'm in process of getting a Service Dog because its destroyed my ability to function outside of my home, especially during my birthday, holidays and around adoptive family.

[@LadyRobertaL]

Not sure how you’re doing today, but I wanted you to know that I read this and my heart broke for you. I am currently praying for you. I believe that God alone can fill your heart and heal you. I’m also being healed by God. I pray that you immediately feel God’s safe protective presence. The best is yet to come!

[@SpectrumOfChange]

❤

[@pinksora1155]

God gives his toughest battle to his toughest soldiers. Wether or not your a believer, you're tough, no one can deny you that. Thanks for sharing. It makes me feel felt reading this. where I come from, people are too privileged to know such struggles. So people like us don't make sense to them. Wherever you are, much respect and support to you.

[@ljragsandfeathers]

😢😢❤

[@carismacatalyst1289]

, thank you for your kindness, your words made me cry ​@@LadyRobertaL

[@karlasimmet8777]

This was very upsetting for me, so true, I’m 64 and alone and feel like I’m never going to change. This is a self fulfilling prophecy. It happens over and over and over again. But at least I know why……

[@pinksora1155]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I feel the same. Like there's no winning to this. You try and try and try, but things are the same. My heart goes out to you. I've always believed that if you keep moving, you'll get there, eventually. Dunno if this applies to this. But we're given a difficult situation. Either fight or wither away. I hope you get there, truly.

[@marywiggins7411]

I think there can be degrees of getting better all throughout our lives. Find a church, or join a community with shared interests. Sometimes just being with other humans doing an activity can be amazing help. Keep showing up for yourself.

[@musicmamma]

This describes my whole f$#@ing life from early childhood, up to now. I'm 58, and been divorced since 2008. Ex hubby abandoned our marriage during the 2007-08 recession. I chose at that time, to step out of the game. Now, that I'm getting older & facing being old/getting old alone, I realize I might have waited too long, and that ship may have passed. I was crying listening to this, as it totally resonated with me. I want people in my life, but at the same time, I have learned to not trust anyone, so it never gets anywhere. My oldest son and I are estranged, he did horrible things to my property, stole items, gaslit me to my family, so that only re-rubbed salt in a huge, trauma-filled open wound. I will never be the same. I feel more comfortable with hatred and anger, instead of love. I love my pets to the max, however!!

[@wholesomelivingwithandreao483]

I am so thankful that I found your channel, it has blessed my life and my healing.

[@positivevibe7684]

Wow!!! This is a real eye opener. At the mature age of 60+, I had to let go of a lot of beliefs I was taught growing up that held me hostage. Working on my inner self is the best gift I gave to myself. It's never too late to become your authentic self.❤❤

[@rutujabhosale1288]

Accepting and acknowledging your inner wounds Is the first step for healing and I believe it will help us to redefine ourselves for who we are and how we want to others to perceive us and not what society expects us to be ❤. Thank you so much for the support and knowledge!!

[@thelastwildcolonialboy3667]

Top video. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD. I walked away from my family 12 years and it was hard at first but now im finally forging ahead and enjoying life at the age of fifty. I realised it was too hard to heal with my abusive weirdo family in my life draining my energy and resources

[@lynnmaholias2879]

I have complex PTSD but it started at age 21 due to my first love and long term relationship was physically abusive. My childhood was normal and my parents were loving and supportive. They were married 51 years. There was no abuse of any kind or neglect. But I have three physically abusive relationships as an adult. My first love, my ex-husband and father of my daughter, and the father of my son and live-in partner of six years. I have subscribed because everything you’re saying relates and applies to me 100%. it was important to point out that complex trauma and PTSD does not always have to be a result of your childhood

[@tizzlekizzle]

C trauma happens in layers during development. By 21 you are quite developed. What you describe would be more like ptsd. People w healthy childhoods dont end up in abusive relationships and they dont stay in them. My guess is youve experienced emotional and psychological abuse and you cant see it yet or arent allowed to admit to yourself. C trauma is def childhood related. Ptsd is not.

[@shereses.3298]

I mean this in the utmost sincere way.....how does this happen? You grow up in a loving 2 parent homes, end up in an abusive relationship? Like if that was never modeled how exactly does that work? I'm curious.....I grew up with a narcissistic mother, so my trauma bonds make sense. Is this a self-esteem thing? I am genuinely interested in how healthy homes can yield these types of results?

[@daisy7066]

You probably nevrr expectedto be abused so became a vulnerable target. Especially if you were trusting. Anyone can be victimised, anyone can be abused, context and being a in an alien context doesnt help....

[@lynnmaholias2879]

@@tizzlekizzle Im sorry but that is not the case with me. Abuse doesn’t happen immediately. I was 3 years into a five year relationship before the abuse started. I did not find out for several years later why the sudden change in him. He was my first love, first sexual relationship, etc. I hid the abuse from everyone most importantly my parents. and it’s very possible to have PTSD from long-term domestic abuse. It doesn’t have to be from childhood as I said, I have had three of my most significant relationships were all physically abusive starting at age 21 until 45. And because it is ongoing, long term trauma and the nature of my symptoms, I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD. In fact, I present as ADHD but I did not have these symptoms as a child. It makes no difference if it started when I was an adult. I’m sorry but I did have a healthy childhood and I did end up in abusive relationships. There are two ways to get Complex PTSD. One is childhood trauma. The other is domestic abuse. While CPTSD is often associated with chronic trauma in childhood, adults who experience chronic trauma can also develop the condition.

[@lynnmaholias2879]

@@tizzlekizzle What causes CPTSD? According to the ICD-11, complex PTSD results from exposure to a traumatic event or series of events of an extremely threatening nature. The events are usually prolonged or repetitive and escape from the situation is impossible or dangerous. Examples of these types of traumatic situations include: • Prolonged domestic violence. • Childhood sexual or physical abuse. • Torture. • Genocide.

[@SusanLlewellyn-pp2xn]

Yes. I do. It's good luck, I feel. But then I go thru unnecessary stress. I gotta take the time to sit and really listen to this guy.

[@janineschellenberg9272]

Re sexual abuse, another facet that warrants awareness, there are circumstances where the attention of the abuse becomes a love substitute that isn't hated but fills the need to be seen, felt, wanted, thankyou for the work that you do

[@jasmine3416]

This is all me but not as a child with trauma , from an abusive marriage for 20 years. The impact is just as hard as the abuse was…. But so worth standing up for yourself

[@helenwarren5217]

I'm learning so much abuut my tesonse to my life ss a alcoholic. My recovery has been complicated by complex trauma.I have always been conflict avoidant because of my childhood.Thankyou Tim.

[@mercedesd236]

Tim I thank God for your words of wisdom...

[@JaffaCakes-c7d]

It's to do with one's environment aswell. Some of us are too poor to move out, there are so many dysfunctional cycles that keep our mood down and with low self esteem. Lack of recources and people outside of the home unwilling to help even when you ask. The outside world sometimes doesn't treat us that well either. It's just a never ending cycle that we never asked to be a part of.

[@JoshuaBuffalo-2222]

This man is a pyschological healing genius.

[@Excalibur833]

For me, especially during my youth and college years, I ended up becoming close friends with a couple very popular and high-achieving people that I unconsciously believed I could never keep as friends, because part of me believed I wasn’t good enough as a person such that I never trusted the existence of the friendship. I didn’t allow myself to imagine their fondness or connection to me was real and so I was always very insecure in those relationships. Eventually I would do something to sabotage those friendships out of some core belief that they were doomed anyway and better that I end them on my own terms rather than being abandoned on theirs. Tragedy of it all was deep down I loved these friends and wanted to be close to them. So in sabotaging these relationships I got the very things I did not want, which was to lose the things, i.e. those friendships, that I wanted. Much grief and regret follows from that.

[@Ultralined]

I can relate, it’s like we lived the same story lol

[@Anna_kandy]

U described me there 😢😭

[@annila1176]

These reasonings are so spot on...better than a psychology class...this is exactly what happens..

[@wildpett]

Thanks for sharing. I have experienced severe abuse in my childhood along the lines described here which has had awful consequences later on in my adult life. And it is very difficult to deal with, but I remain hopeful that I will come through this and above all avoid the negative persons (my family) and not go back to them for acceptance

[@wanderingseth]

When it comes to getting close to anyone, there's no 'safe'.

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

So very useful in my healing journey .thanks Tim for all your generosity of sharing

[@anyajanderson4097]

I absolutely love your channel, it explains to everyone, the ins and outs of topics - without all the professional jargon busting words. I'm a mental health worker, and I've found listening to you, really helpful and inspiring 😊

[@user-fg3yt6oh8v]

Thank you. You have explained so much in a manner that is so clear and easy to understand. I have so much healing and work to do.

[@Hammondchris]

Pretty tragic stuff, what a huge dose of Love needed upon earths humanity. People need people far more than we realize it seems and we appear to drift further further apart instead of caring about each other...or maybe its "trauma" talking ;-) Im blown by this video. I am so very grateful.

[@trishf2184]

Just came up for the first time today. Better late than never. Bless him.

[@sloth6247]

WOW! My eyes have been opened! I learned in one hour what i didn’t learn in therapy in 15 years!

[@user-xz3bp6lp2p]

Just found Tim Fletcher and I can truly say that he has a deep understanding about trauma and complex trauma.Thing is that even a person logically understand all this at the same time is really hard to do and act otherwise emotionally.That s the hard part and that takes years and years of therapy in my opinion.

[@maramclaine830]

Its ENTIRELY possible for us deeply Wounded children inside to Grow Up in a Healthy way. I started to acknowledge that wounded baby. To LOVE MYSELF FIRST. Saved my own Damm Self. From the Danger I had a large part in Creating. 53 years old totally physically unable to work. And as Loved and Cherished as I have ever been. When we ALLOW Others to Love us by Saving OURSELVES. Everything gets BETTER. I weep from happiness now. Feeling SAFE for the FIRST time. I wake with JOY. I had no idea how Little I was trained to settle for by trauma and a broken society. 💔 After the THIRD abusive marriage and to a man who I thought would NEVER lay a hand on me in anger. Until he did. And I OWN My part in ALL my past struggles. I FINALLY took charge of MY own suffering. In a relationship that Embraces Conflict. Then lets it go. I was TERRIFIED of speaking my own desires and needs. Especially if it inconvenienced someone in MY mind. I bathed in Fear. No more. Its AMAZING. and if I can so can you. We are Perfect and Whole Exactly as We Are.

[@lisabradyusa]

This is a very important message! 3 years after I left my abusive partner I was re-creating suffering in my life through weird ways and didn’t even see it. No more tho. I’ll alway need healing and have a lot to learn but at least now I feel I’m on the right path.

[@taanu6104]

This made me bawl like a child😭….can such people ever lead a normal life??? I lead a seemingly normal life…yet it doesn’t feel so

[@dickmullen3750]

No human lives a perfect normal life.

[@lindajones6835]

Jesus died to purchase healing for us. Go to Him for love, validation and healing.

[@eak56]

This guy is sharing AMAZING information sooooooo clearly! THANK YOU!!!

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

This has made me feel validated just listening to it.❤

[@Therese76810]

Spot on thank you so much for this information. It helps a lot. I had to go no contact with my birth family cause of cognitive dissonance. It was messing with my brain and I thought I was going mad. After no contact there has been healing but also a great sorrow that I need to deal with the rest of my life. And I struggle to have health relationships in my life. ❤

[@Ivegotmyorangecrush.]

Thank goodness people put these videos up. Been trying to better myself. ❤

[@flooferwoofenschnizz3858]

I am so glad to have found you Tim. Thank you for being a part of my healing and trauma education. 💛

[@tinypea]

Wow this is has me on a whole next level of healing...😮

[@cookiesandscream832]

This man truly understands us 😌

[@david22591]

Your talks are so wonderful and insightful. It's like hearing about myself.

[@simoneammon9874]

I can recognise myself in what you're saying- used to over-talk and over-explain a lot in the past. So thankful that God has healed me a lot. It has been a long journey but so glad that I'm not who I used to be. It has helped me to be much more compassionate towards others who are struggling.

[@TeaRose9]

This explains exactly what I’ve been saying is how my two youngest children took the toxic unhealthy path that their abusive sociopath father taught them. 💔

[@AA-iy4gm]

it might be useful to know that you are responsible as well, there are therapists and episodes where they discuss the enabling parent

[@w.urlitzer1869]

what was your part apart from blaming?

[@TeaRose9]

@@AA-iy4gm are all parents enablers? I was not the addict parent, but one part I did wrong was to marry an addict. During the time that my two youngest teenage children became addicts I tried to help them but I absolutely did not know how to help them. I had them in therapy but I didn’t know how to correctly help them at that time. They’re adults now and I’m still trying to learn what I can do to help, which is the reason I’m following this KZbin channel and learning as much as possible. I know that I have made mistakes with them. I was saying that they were taught to be addicts by their addiction father.

[@harmonyvaneaton4101]

It's not your fault. It's very, very hard for safe parents to fight both genetics and trauma. Don't let anyone blame you for something you didn't do.

[@montav82]

victim blame much guys?

[@trishasconza1870]

All we have to do is let go and be completely authentic. Shed the trauma and become the beautiful gem you have always been deep inside. The one that's been hidden away from the world. Set her free. She knows all the answers to the questions you seek. It's all about having Patience & and Grace for yourself. Be the parent you always wanted... to yourself. And most of all, Enjoy the Journey 💜

[@kellybuch8526]

This guy is the TRUTH

[@GloriaLoftus]

I so needed to hear this today. Certain events and remarks have triggered my trauma and Tim has nailed it! Thank God for Him. I have had years of therapy to deal with early childhood sexual abuse but I still learned so much from his presentation.

[@blurblarted]

This is exactly me, I left home at 18 for college and havent permanently been back since Im turning 24 this year and I am finding it so hard to undo a life of that. My dad has alll sorts of trauma, full blown narcissist and my partner is the perfect person for me ITs been hard to accept healthy and good he helps me identify when im reacting from my trauma and splitting, I believe I may have BPD as a result of my cptsd. I have healed a lot lately by building my confidence, I DEFINITELY need therapy but im a broke grad student haha

[@TheJennifer55555]

This is soooo amazing!! This is the biggest reasons I decided NOT to have kids….I struggled so hard with complex trauma and addictions but I did overcome my addictions with meditation and lots and lots of therapy

[@JuhiShahWorld]

Sir this video came to me at the right time, I cannot thank you enough how much I needed this. God bless !!

[@jackperry6269]

Can someone tell me how this guy came up with these recordings and notes? He’s spot on. He should write a book. Really good stuff :)

[@TeaRose9]

It’s really common sense if you have been in an unhealthy family environment.

[@its_all_in_the_feeling8448]

@@TeaRose9no it’s not common sense, that’s why we need therapy.

[@LearnCompositionOnline]

He is already explaining what is in any psychological book

[@jadamichelle452]

Thank you Tim, I needed this🙏🏾 see a lot of painful behavior in myself from a painful childhood. I appreciate you.

[@Merzui-kg8ds]

These videos are amazing in how much lines up with experience. One concern I have, though, is about "narcissism". His description of what defines a narcissist fits almost every man from, say, 100 years ago and beyond. What today we label narcissist behavior in a man used to be called "being a man". I am not trying to be coy or rude here. Try naming a period in history when the majority of men not only helped with the logistics of raising a child, but with the emotional nurturing of raising a child. As to women, before 1960 there were very few women (percentage-wise) that had the audacity to suggest that they had needs that should be considered.

[@God-Love-Freedom]

This is one of the best lectures I’ve ever heard. You have done an excellent of explaining trauma and its effects.

[@Empressjen]

It’s important to heal to break these for our kids

[@punyashloka4946]

This man literally explains my life

[@crazyladytracy]

Thank you so much for your knowledge, wisdom AND respect for those who aren't interested in the christianity part of your talks. Absolutely a wonderful example of consideration for others' beliefs without shaming them for not being the same as your own. Thank you.

[@DivineOne-lt3wf]

This series has been so eye opening

[@f.e.partida2750]

I found you after praying Tim. Thank you so much for your work.

[@tinypea]

This is deeply hitting home

[@dylanmaxey2531]

Thanks!

[@JasonMomoa999]

I never thought something was wrong with me. I was the baby in my family. Everyone knew I was unique.😊

[@sergiosalazarcavazos]

So good. I felt seen and a little heartbroken to be honest. I could see my mind expanding with the correlations of what you want to avoid, how you try to avoid it and how you fail, eventually… inevitably….

[@lauratyler4863]

No, I didn’t hate my narcissist dad. I loved him and hated myself. Of course, I married a narcissist.

[@tarabrickle8745]

I fully appreciate your emphasis on creating a healthy soul and I pray those who came to hear this for themselves, hear what you're saying. The world needs us to hear this.

[@battlehymnoftheempath3610]

My healing journey from CPTSD has led me to the point where I avoid videos like this. Instead of teaching us how to create a functional nervous system through behavior and lifestyle changes, "therapists" bully us into believing that we can never change and that the only thing we can do is manage symptoms and revisit past traumas which gets us to a place of further disempowerment and dependency. Instead of focusing on how to craft a better nervous system and encouraging us, this approach ostracizes us and alienates us from the rest of human society, which does not have the background or context to understand what we are talking about when we express our feelings. It makes you feel more shame and the sense that you are eternally damned. Stop making people feel that they have no future by highlighting, circling and placing the past in neon lighting. Instead, lets answer the question of "now what ?" and encourage people to chase their dreams and better future.

[@enneaf1676]

Almost as if teaching us to heal the nervous system in a reasonable and practical and empathic way, instead of damning our human psyches right and left would put them outa business! No more clients. I also avoid videos like this for the same reason

[@battlehymnoftheempath3610]

@@enneaf1676 I have found pets to be hugely healing. There are also substances and procedures that hack the nervous system. Look into the SGB procedure. If you live in the northeast, there is an ongoing study where you can get the treatment for free. Psychedelics like ketamine and mdma are also very promising.

[@battlehymnoftheempath3610]

@@enneaf1676 look into Dr. Lipov. He invented a procedure called SGB that mutes the fight and flight system in the brain. The FDA also legalized ketamine and is on the brink of legalizing other psychedelics.

[@shewho333]

Just because you personally are past the discovery phase of your healing journey, doesn’t mean everyone else is. If it’s not for you, good. But if someone is just starting out, why do you suppose they need your negativity in the comments section? Just unsubscribe and scroll on by to things that fit you now. You’re not the main character in other people’s lives.

[@battlehymnoftheempath3610]

@@shewho333 im not trying to be the main character. I prefaced the comment by saying " my healing journey". At first, these videos did help me to a degree because they validated that I was on the receiving end of alot of abuse. However, I'm trying to make the point that these therapists don't always have your best interests in mind. The narrative that we are damaged permanently is not a healing one. If anything, it makes you entrapped in the trauma. There are healing therapies that decompress the nervous system enough that you begin to have a different view of the world and of people. If you stay in the narrative of "they abused me, now all I can do is manage my defective brain and nervous system". That is a never ending, self fulfilling prophecy which does not save you in the end. It's the same self sealing system that cult leaders use to entrap their victims. If you can convince someone that they are defective, and keep repeating that, you can get people to listen to you without any objections, instead of giving them the tools to find their own personal joy and euphoria, their euphoria and accomplishment comes from following an asinine therapy model where no matter what they do, they feel the same. You keep learning helplessness if you spend too much time analyzing the source of the Trauma without healing the nervous system shut down that is causing your ptsd symptoms. I have found for myself that words do not heal the physiological roots of trauma. It's like trying to talk away a broken leg.

[@carolynsirianni1251]

I’m a child of the 60’s/ 70’s, no help then nothing! I had a malignant/ covert narcissistic mother. She hurt me so much through my whole life, I learned to isolate very well. Too well. And I try not to ruin it for me, people/ friends don’t get it/ me, I’ve lost some,but they weren’t my best friends. I’m so glad I found this because I set myself up for a fall a lot, then I end up hating myself of course on some of my decisions, I’ve made horrible choices in life & it’s so hard but I’m trying to change that to no avail. And people pleasing- didn’t learn until 58 about my mother. Thank you for this, I started thinking I was alone again, I needed this today, because I’m feeling bad about my decisions .. again

[@jomccallum3300]

Thanku ❤ This is the most accurate explanation I have heard but for some strange reason I found it weird coming from the lips of a man?! 🙃 Due to being from Uk and we're decades behind US in accepting these facts about the affects of childhood trauma, at 52 it is the first time I have ever heard a person talk about sexual abuse and how it "awakens" the sex drive before it's ready and this is what leads to promiscuity (or the opposite). I figured this out over time as a traumatised adult with CPTSD. The affect of childhood sexual abuse and the psychological abuse it goes hand in hand with, alters the (normal) physiological changes that should occur naturally leading up to adolescence. I felt these changes unnaturally and had a very strong need to have a baby before I even began to menstruate. This was all I thought about even tho at 12 and 13 I was NOT yet sexually active. My adult life became all about creating the very thing I was trying to avoid. I am a "textbook" example of childhood abuse survivor and so grateful it is now being vocalised so accurately, not only to make it clearer to anyone that hasn't experienced it, but to validate my own feelings and see how much I have healed... alone. ❤🙏🙏

[@jacquiduncan1033]

I grew up with a single parent father who was abusive emotionally and physically. He was an alcoholic. I always felt i never existed just to clean the house. My needs as a child were not met. There wasnt love in our household. I have had 2 long term relationships where i have been emotionally abused! Im still in one now where my needs as a woman are not important. I can see whats happening but i put up with it because i have low self esteem. I find it hard to feel emtionally attached to people even family. I myself drink way too much . Something i loathed about my farther!