7 Mistakes That Will Get You Into Trouble With A Narcissist Every Time

Narcissists, being self-impressed and controlling, consistently try to shape you into their mold with lots of unsolicited advice and criticism. Naturally, you will feel like pushing back, but as Dr. Les Carter teaches, you have to be careful to stay out of fruitless exchanges. He highlights 7 of the most common ineffective patterns you can fall into as you attempt to address conflict with a narcissist, offering instead tips for clean assertions.
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[@arthurstruyk5811]

We shouldn't say, I can't have a relationship with the narcissistic because - and list the reasons. We should say, the narcissist can't have a relationship with me because of - and list the reasons. Put the responsibility where it belongs, on the narcissist - they are the one that ruined the relationship.

[@RKX_Errant]

Good observation, great tool for the tool bag!

[@violajoseph8549]

"NO, You're the blame," says the narc. Lol 😆 🤣 IM GOD in there delusional undeveloped mind.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good point.

[@nb5842]

YES!!!!

[@jmashack1]

Great idea. That is going in my toolbox today!!!

[@jennifera777]

Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome person.

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

I say the same thing to people who have a lot but live with narcissist people. They could leave but won't.

[@seantraynor5180]

Better is a meal of herbs where there is love... Than feasting where there is corruption... Love the proverbs ...

[@lifebetwixtheveils]

One of my biggest challenges was really wrapping my mind around and accepting the fact that it simply IS NOT SAFE to be emotional around a person like that. Your happiness is weaponized too! Every. Single. Time.

[@echase416]

With an Narcissistic personality, anything you say, can and will, be used against you in the future.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I get this, thanks!

[@chelleb3055]

They live as though they are the writer, director and star of their own twisted reality show and everyone else is just a bit player or audience member. Go off script or fail to applaud on cue and you will pay. Just walk away if possible. If not, prepare to be shamed, humiliated, berated and ignored.

[@cheri238]

You are not Dr. Carter, remember that. ❤️Glad you are learning though

[@victoriavitoroulis3273]

We need some rotten tomatoes 🍅 for the narcs reality show 👎🏾

[@MsYogiCat]

Well said Chelle!👍

[@donnamaco1]

Perhaps this was her experience. Spot on! My experience too.

[@danyellerobinson5940]

@@cheri238 Does her understanding take anything from you or the doctor? You might wanna ask why you are offended by another person sharing their experience. It is how we all learn.

[@jennifera777]

Everything gets you in trouble with a narc because they are troubled.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hi Jennifer. Sad but true. Somehow, it's your fault...whatever "it" is.

[@marieldavison5121]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Blame shifting

[@sandyhenry3238]

❤

[@sharonf3321]

Exactly what I was thinking! What gets me in trouble with the narc? I exist.

[@reganaewinston]

🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾yes!!!! Nothing is ever their fault

[@laurelvance5533]

I'm just so tired of it all. It's exhausting, draining and demeaning.

[@SamSolasdonSaol]

Breathing is what gets you in trouble with any narcissist ALL 7 days a week. I attract them and I'm utterly exhausted.

[@ZordaanTelevisioN]

Hi there! Well, come on then... no salute? Okay, we'll work on that, won't we now? No no no, that was a rhetorical question. It's okay, and let's try to keep our apologies sincere but short from now on. ;)

[@janetstephens9563]

You deserve more out of life. Can you go no contact?

[@taraarrington2285]

Yes nothing you do is good enough and they're always moving goal post.

[@cyndigooch1162]

Sam Solas don Saol I really feel for you and I've had a lot of issues with highly narcissistic individuals throughout my life as well! I've learnt that it's up to me to not let them into my life though, because they do approach, or whatever, many people and some do manage to repell them, due to listening to their intuition and having strong boundaries. ❤

[@SamSolasdonSaol]

@@janetstephens9563 Story of my life... it's such a vicious circle. I go no contact, new people show up in my life, give me hope and then their mask drops/the familiar red flags fly high. I'm so tired of overcoming so much awful.

[@rosieE121]

Knowing these things helps. As for crying, we should understand that there's no hurt as bad as someone you love and trust like a spouse or family member purposefully trying to hurt you.

[@melodysledgister2468]

It even hurts coming from your 90-year-old parents! You never get over wanting your parent to love and accept you. But when they can't, it's not a reflection on you, it is them.

[@taraarrington2285]

Yep ouch

[@khaartoumsings]

Dr Carter this is brilliant. After several years, this actually does become a behaviour code. And the identifying manipulations makes for safety and no need to respond. Thank you ; ) K

[@coach_amy]

​@@melodysledgister2468 I have some hope to offer you. I did get over wanting my parent to love and accept me. It took a lot of work and years of no contact. But it paid off. Proof was when she passionately fought against me with an audience (and participation of some) hospital staff, and I remained unscathed and continued to fight for my brother's life (she wanted to let him go); and he's alive and cognitive and happy to have survived.

[@taraarrington2285]

@@khaartoumsings yes it's a pattern these people use. How does anyone trust?

[@sbubb9155]

Just do not play and you win.

[@janicedeeter577]

True...no contact and walk away.

[@exx6312]

Now that I am far removed - I can say I did every single one of these in my 21 year marriage. But I didn’t realize what I was dealing with. My fatal mistake was believing he thought and felt as I did. He only pretended and he was so convincing.

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

The are great manipulators. Me too, 32 years

[@loner1295]

I began to post almost exactly what you said, but when I saw yours, I went "yep. they got it!" and deleted mine. 😂

[@anewchapter1336]

Exactly the same here with my 22 year marriage to him. He and his mother both covert passive aggressives and husband also sadistic. I used to think he was just immature when I couldn't figure him out but he is mother enmeshed too and now also taking testosterone injections which has amplified the narcissism.

[@melodysledgister2468]

😧

[@irishmermaid4]

I married the same guy. Dumped him 16 years later. Hope you found peace, luv.

[@rebekahransom415]

I just assume I'm always in trouble for something and do my thing.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good way to look at it. Consider the source.

[@cyndigooch1162]

Rebekah Ransome I can relate to this and usually feel anxious after receiving messages from people, especially family members, because I assume that I must be in trouble again for something I've done, or haven't done! Mind you, I do cause issues at times for telling the truth (not in a blunt way) and was even physically assaulted for being a "trouble maker" by the female leader of a religious cult I got caught up in when I was young. I don't remember what I said or did now, yet it was probably for speaking up about the bizarre behaviour of the so-called leaders, who both would've spent time in jail, if it happened today. I'll leave it at that because I got carried away yet again and wish you all the very best for your healing journey. 😊

[@skinnyway]

yep! thats it right there! no matter what I always seem to be in trouble for something so I just do me and keep on going.

[@dalialovesdoggies4361]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Woweeeee Just had a MOMENT OF AHHHHHHAAAHHHAAA living with a VN for 19 years. Hollyyyy mama. 😂 Thank you so much Dr. C I live in Canada. I dont have $350.00 for any therapy. ARE there any support groups on line?

[@462ANIMAL]

There is no point wasting your energy trying to reason with them. They usually walk away.

[@462ANIMAL]

@@Chris-dw7gq The one thing I find we all need to do , is not keep thinking of all they’ve done to sabotage you and just their over all behaviors.. We need to keep positive, move forward and keep doing good for ourselves. Keep them at a distance if you can’t rid yourself of them , and never let your guard down.

[@janorth9986]

I usually do the walking.....to much stress. No money to move. Picks at me until I blow. That way she can blame me!

[@462ANIMAL]

@@janorth9986 I’m sorry to hear that, stress is terrible.. it causes health issues .. need to buy ear plugs.. or get some wireless ear buds and listen to music .. really makes a person want to start messing with them.. like trying to drive them crazy..with out them knowing it .

[@user-oz7nw9sq7y]

The only thing that works with a Narc is to not them in your life in the first place. If it’s a relative or coworker have minimal contact. Get AWAY if you can and RUN as far as you can whenever possible. These videos are great because I have finally learned to identify them right away. I used to make all of the mistakes Dr Carter just mentioned. I enjoy my own company my hubby’s and our pet more than anyone! We don’t need toxic people in our lives.

[@patriciajoseph3035]

It's eerie. Like you're being monitored all the time. They pry into your stuff etc.

[@Dj.D25]

I had people I suspect were narcissists watching me on social media. But I too was watching them after the drama they gave me. Sometimes I notice them discard friends and relationships over and over. Anyone who deletes so many people so fast is a red flag to me.

[@Datb2]

Yes. I had a narc hack into my Facebook and pretend to post as if they were me. Isn’t that scary

[@rhondajoaquin2286]

My mom is a tyrant and being a only child and cut off from the world because I was told by her that what she said and is saying to this day is all that I need to know. I was in my mid fourties’ before I was able to completely understand what a mind can do to another person. I have learned the hard way. She is 86 years old and still run’s the show with other family members but not me anymore. 😎

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

Rhonda! That is so sad. But I know how much control someone can place on another person even if they have died, their condescending narcissist words can still trigger that terrible feeling. 🤗🦊

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

They tend to live forever--you've got another ten or 15 years! Mine lived to 96, tightly controlling everyone to the last breath.

[@joanna0988]

@@Elizabeth-yg2mg They seriously do live forever, sucking up everyone else's life force 😅

[@michelepascoe6068]

Me too. Mine died at 80 with me still begging for acceptance and trying to please her, with a smear campaign against me that went on for decades. However, around that time I started learning about narcissism and all my questions were answered. I'm living a new life now, free of the flying monkeys who continue her legacy at the slightest opportunity. I can't believe I listened to my mother's words for so long and ended up doing some things that made no sense at all (like spending every Sunday at her house for years as an adult, even though I didn't want to).

[@michellehill718]

🥳

[@bluecollarlit]

The sleeping dog on the sofa. Makes me feel cozy and relaxed.

[@benwilliams5236]

Can a man take a serpent unto himself and not be bitten? Can a man take a coal unto himself and not be burned? Such is the nature of the narcissist.

[@Ganymede_52]

When I woke up out of my mother's control, and made it clear to her that I was done with her, she immediately started trying to destroy me. She told a slew of lies about me to family and the community where we lived. My family obeyed her out of fear, and began to hate me because it was what she wanted. I moved to the other side of the state and cut off contact with all of them, and that started my healing. Going no contact is often the only way to avoid a malignant narcissist's rage.

[@amuddymoose]

I’ve made all of these mistakes. Only recently have I really opened my eyes to the abuse I’ve been suffering for years. I always knew something was “off” but couldn’t put my finger on it until one day I watched a video on narcissism and then all the light bulbs went off in my mind. I’m angry at this point, angry that I didn’t recognize the truth earlier and angry that I’ve wasted years trying to fix a relationship that was doomed from the start.

[@notagain779]

@Jumping Ranger, Lots of us have been through the same sudden awareness and feel the anger. The best thing is, more and more is being learned all over the world simultaneously because of these comment sections and the sharing over the internet. Before the internet, great psychologists like Dr. C and Dr. Ramani could only see one person at a time, or write a book. So things progressed much more slowly before KZbin. (Just my thoughts) Give yourself some credit for facing the painful truth that so many of us eventually come to after knowing someone who gives us that "something's off" feeling.

[@papi9114]

The narc in my life is a brother, and I had the same experience as you...the worse shock being when I realised how long it had been going on against me in the background. A smear campaign of huge proportions! 6 months out now, and I would say try to get support if you can. I thought I could rock back with help from videos such as dear Dr Carter (my hero!), and they have saved my life pretty much🧡, but you also will need support to thrive and not just survive. In the UK there are groups that help with domestic/emotional abuse. I start in January and I need it so much. Blessings for your journey back to you :)

[@itm4173]

Not only do I "Like" these videos, I "Love" these videos. They're intrinsic to my well-being and growth towards claiming the Me that I never got to know. Dr. C, I wonder if you ever give a think to all the good you're doing for so many invisible folks. :)

[@caroleminke6116]

He’s a saint to do this in his retirement years

[@Ivan-bf2jx]

Sometimes I just need to hear Dr. C's voice to get back on track after interaction with the narc. Recovering from a narc abuse and getting free and healthy is a long journey.

[@jmashack1]

Yes Dr. C. YOU ARE AMAZING. I am in my healing and recovery process but every once in awhile because everything went haywire with the narcissistic person before he's left I have questions and you answer every one of them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️

[@Juke582]

Oh believe me the Doc knows just how he is helping people all over the world, and he is overwhelmed at his reach and has indicated how much we all mean to him! I feel a compassion from this Doctor like no other! Amazing support in our recovery! 🤗

[@karendovey3538]

Agreed, these videos are my therapy! With Dr. C's calm manner and soothing voice it's like balm to the soul. We need a ❤️ button for these videos! 🙏🥰

[@miss_whipps]

I have made every one of these mistakes, and the foundation of my character is being corroded as a result. It is so painful to watch myself change in such negative ways as a desperate, pathetic attempt to survive in an unhealthy, futile relationship. It's time to save myself and disentangle! Thank you for another EXCELLENT video, Doc!

[@mindyann8903]

I have made the same mistakes. Trust me. I got to a point where I was questioning if I was the narcissist because my behavior all of a sudden was not aligned with who I was as a human being…. Oh not to mention I was called toxic daily by my ex partner. It’s all very confusing. Be gentle and kind yourself and most importantly forgiving. It’s never too late to start over & become the very best version of yourself. 💫

[@miss_whipps]

@@mindyann8903 thank you for your beautiful and compassionate response! ❤️❤️❤️

[@amandahodge3809]

I’ve experienced this before without realizing this is what the narcissist wants. You know you’re truly dealing with one when it’s a parent and they get a kick off of when you’re crying to them saying you just want them in your life. And then they say “well you never gave me a college degree.” They just truly have no empathy like Dr C said!!!!

[@andrewschultz6608]

"Narcissists are data gatherers ..." ouch! I thought this way of someone and it seemed harsh. Because we all need to gather data to understand things. But then I realized I made sure never to bother them with frivolities like things I enjoyed for their own sake.

[@redsquirrel1086]

I very quickly realised that in order to keep my narc "happy" I had to abandon myself and my own opinions in order to suit her. What I didn't realise was that whatever I did or said it was never going to be right or good enough. She played with me like a child plays with a toy. It was a degrading, humiliating experience that taught me a lot about myself and about how cruel some people can be.

[@imnoel8214]

Thinking like a normal person where a narcissist is concerned.

[@constancebarrett1398]

Done all this and I quit! I do what I think is right for me.

[@lilithschwarzermond7342]

"Narcs try to keep you in the ditch of dysfunction" yes, you nailed it Dr C. Thanks!

[@rebeccaluff-smith8674]

I’ve been recovering for a couple of years now Dr C and I needed these reminders. Thank you so much again for your work

[@brianreed8271]

It's been 3 years for me, I never would imagine it would take this long.

[@keplermission4947]

I would like to say that covert narcissists are very dangerous to your future well-being. Be observant of any treachery towards you when they're around others, assume the very worst scenario is being planned by these diabolical people. Beyond your knowledge they do their level best to cruelly destroy your life whilst acting innocent in your company. Trust your gut but DON'T show that you are aware of any suspicion. Behave well at all times and try not to get too stressed out. Others are suffering what you are.

[@Juke582]

@@brianreed8271 it can take a while to recover Brian. It’s horrible abuse and it’s been 2 years for me but at some point you will get closure through learning and reflecting. It’s helped me tremendously! Don’t beat yourself up forever and work on ways you can change yourself so as not to attract those toxic people again! Watch videos on boundary setting as I am and you will see the path forward and leave the past behind for good! I am almost there! Hugs 🤗

[@brianreed8271]

@@Juke582 I had no idea I was being emotionally abused until after the divorce. As I learned about narcissism and emotional abuse I had constant flashbacks for over 2 years. I had those aha moments several times a day. And then I started hating myself for being so stupid and not recognizing it for what it was. I think I have that behind me. I'm working through it, some days I feel really good for a while. And I thank you for your encouragement

[@lisapinho170]

I had a 40 year friendship end about 7months ago with a narcissist. I also had a 13 year romantic relationship with a narc that ended one year ago. I'm having a hard time trusting people now. I have a friend for 2 years that is friends with the narcissistic friend that our friendship ended. I like this person a lot but I don't trust the mutual narc friend and not sure how much I could trust them or anyone. It 's hard to trust for me now after so much abuse.

[@colleenshea2293]

Yes, trust breaks down after these experiences. I have no expectations of people anymore. I find it helps.

[@tacottogetherness7604]

I know I’ve won the battle with my narcissist when I get the silent treatment, my narcs final move is to end the debate by no longer participating

[@jkarink]

You never win with an N. Be careful at this point. They are likely raging inside, and no doubt gearing up for the next fight. N's live for the fight.

[@faustostar9627]

​@@jkarink he or she did win... if you think about it, the win is having a piece of mind.

[@l.5832]

There is no 'us' with the narcissist. My narc husband of over 20 years said while we were still married "there IS no us". Likewise, my narc sister would not allow me to have any input on the planning of our mother's funeral. She told me straight out there was no luncheon after the grave side service. After the service, a guest (who was a friend of my sister's and I didn't even know) asked me if I was going to the luncheon. Apparently, I wasn't invited to my own mother's funeral luncheon........

[@rg-mi5hh]

How sad that you had to go through that. Jerk.

[@janetstephens9563]

I’m so sorry about what you’ve gone through. Give yourself grace and try to distance yourself from the narcissists in your life. Family members can be so hurtful, particularly during such a sad time as the death of a loved one. You must set boundaries, and make sure you’re telling yourself the truth. Their behavior is a reflection of them not you. It wasn’t a luncheon for your mother. It was a luncheon for your sister. Maybe there is a way that you would like to commemorate your mother with a few close friends? Or even alone.

[@martyrose]

Hey! Don't feel bad. My name wasn't mentioned in the obituary.

[@janetstephens9563]

@@martyrose me neither

[@libbynovotny9979]

with my ex bofriend it was about about his place, his stuff never did he use US never he has no idea how a realtionship or even friends work

[@natinamack5123]

I did all this with my mother before I knew what I was dealing with. I'm finally starting to heal at 52 yrs old from the unknown to the known.

[@williamdillard8330]

One of the biggest mistakes with a person who truly has NPD is being too nice and hopeful with them. And this is the reason why. Have you noticed they wont go near some people with the bullshit they lay on you? It is because they recognize that some people have strong non negotiable boundaries. Once a narc has tasted blood. Your blood that is. They will see you as a target until death. I believe a narc has to come to believe that you have fully developed a mindset that will allow the narc figuretively, to walk off a cliff. This can be diffucult because you might trully love this person. Still you have to develop an unbending behavior pattern of indifference towards that narc because in spite of your love that narc is going to be a narc towards you always. And they WILL take your love as weakness.

[@andrabcool1600]

I have a dance of çome forward to her to help, back off and shut down when the battle ensues. I must do this dance, because she stays here in between going home 2000 miles away. We are both caring for my Mother who is in a challenging life situation right now, with dementia. She is in charge of Mother's caregivers. She has hired many nice people, but I have to fill in the blanks, and I am in a wheelchair. I am not receiving money, I am just my Mother's daughter. My hours were 21 hours a day and 48 hours on the weekends, when she went home. I have, after a year and a half, negotiated caregivers here about 8 hours a day and several days where only the nurse comes in for half an hour to bath my Mom. Today is my sister's birthday, and I bought gifts, cake, and so on. She blew up at me. Angry. I do not understand this. I been doing the come forward to help and back off when irritations are inflamed on her, dance for all this time. But this is a first, when I got together this birthday celebration, spent my money, and basically, when she leaves today, were having the cake. I have decided I like the gifts I got her, so I will just keep them. I hope she feels better with me backing away. And she will read this because she somehow knows everything I type into my phone. Even when she is 2000 miles away. I think when I move, and I still come to help with my Mom, it will be better for me, because then I will have more control of my own body. I would never leave my Mom without help. She can't afford caregivers more than what she is paying. If she somehow could get along without me, I would quit and just take care of my own physical troubles. But for now, I must do this dance. I stay in my room mostly when my sister is here, but I have to come out to cook, laundry, give the meds, feed people, and so on daily.

[@RN-gx7wt]

What are you talking about, show me someone at 14 years old who has had STRONG BOUNDARIES, 18?, 21 maybe, 27 then? You can't love a person with NPD, simply because they have a false persona, that what you believe they are isn't there to begin with. NPD are truely a void to begin with. They care less if you have strong boundaries, they will wear you down, and the clue is in hindsight you will know what this will look like.

[@theabileneranchertar7882]

When I have my family around my ex won't say a word but as soon as I come alone to pick up my son, she and her flying monkeys (her family) will verbally attack me and taunt me to get me to react just so they have a reason to make me look bad.

[@rebekahransom415]

When we say we "love the narc" it usually means who we THINK they COULD BE or are beneath it all. But the narcissism IS who they are.

[@williamdillard8330]

@@RN-gx7wt Respectfully I know from first hand observation that there are people they know not to cross.

[@daphnesplinter2842]

Narcissists insult. Make yourself less available. This helps me.

[@skinnyway]

#1 being conceived #2 being born #3 breathing #4 waking up every morning #5 needing care because you're a child #6 still living #7 just being you

[@danceofjoy2940]

WOW! Bang on.

[@danceofjoy2940]

So True.

[@jkarink]

Yes

[@thinkingallowed1st]

That's a lovely take x

[@katyb2793]

I know.. and I'm sorry. You're worth way more than that 💕

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for great professional advice dr Carter. Narcisists do not change. We need to radically accept that fact. Your tips on how to deal with them are spot on. We want to live with dignity, respect and civility and we need to be the people who live in peace. God bless you.

[@cathyaceves8611]

I've made myself physically unavailable. Silence. Stay in my room. I don't even enjoy my living room anymore

[@janepoppet3843]

One of the hardest parts of recovery is being introspective, and figuring out which characteristics are our innate personality and which ones are internalised from our parents. Often discovering so much that was internalised to the point of echoism. It's not really us or who we are xx Sending warmest healing wishes to everyone 💗

[@skinnyway]

great statement. I havent a clue what is me and what is them. and its really hard when someone who doesnt have your best interest at heart points those things out and you ruminate over it for years wondering what else might be twisted because of who it came from & thats all you know. it makes you wonder what else you were taught wrong. 'what else am I doing wrong because of them' basically. its been a very strange trip.

[@malkaringel7864]

Thank you! Best wishes Jane ❤️

[@janepoppet3843]

@@skinnyway similar experience here Patty. Told by my malignant narcissistic parent since a little girl that I was like him and his family. Even my achievements weren't really mine - he'd tell me it was thanks to his genes,, and tell other people that too. Of course, he'd then ramble on for ages about how great he was at the same age as me. Even my anxiety (and c-ptsd symptoms) now as an adult - he told me before I went no contact that I have anxiety only because I have his genes. Nothing to do with decades of emotional abuse. Be gentle with yourself. I have to remind myself there is no time limit on healing 💗

[@natinamack5123]

Thank you. Sending the same to you!

[@melodysledgister2468]

@@janepoppet3843 Healing can take a very long time to heal, but recognizing lies as lies and truth as truth really helps it along.

[@brianreed8271]

No contact equals no mistakes. It really is just that easy.

[@iamgoddessoflove]

Don't make up excuses to stay with a narcissist because you have children with them, due to financial matters, or because you're afraid to leave. Get some help right away! You deserve so much better! 💙KZbinr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships

[@ellenwest1129]

@goddess of love, where do I go for resources. I’m on disability, my money pays for vehicle and home, I’m broke all month. No vehicle, no money

[@janetstephens9563]

@@ellenwest1129 Were you married to a narcissist?

[@denicehaley9902]

Thanks! I’m in the same boat-disabled. Will look into these resources.

[@therealrhodiemx]

I just moved into a new neighborhood in December. A couple months later the neighbor came and felt the need to tell me "the rules" of the neighborhood. When he said, "Some of us have been here 10 years and some of us just got here", I knew what I was dealing with. This was a great video! Thanks!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yuck!

[@Datb2]

Wow

[@melodysledgister2468]

Is it too soon to move again? 🤣

[@mercyofgod9243]

@@melodysledgister2468 😂😂😂

[@miamyself9897]

Avoid at all costs!!

[@cymbolichuman433]

I really have gotten so much better to stand up for myself through persistence. It's like they can't learn to #1 Quit telling me what to do...#2 Attempting to guilt trip me into doing what they want me to do...#3 talk to other people about me when I am right there. #4 Forget their mistakes and yelling at me for the same thing.

[@foxiedogitchypaws7141]

Gus has got to be the smartest fur kid, listening to your advice. He is such a sweetheart. Foxie Dog sends hugs 🤗🦊 I haven't had to use " None the less" in a while. But then I haven't told certain people what my plans are, I already know what the negative responses will be. 🤗🦊

[@violajoseph8549]

Move in silence 🔕

[@janetstephens9563]

Good for you!

[@zoespiteri5034]

Yes I won't be telling certain people anything either. My life to do what ever I want in it. Be late be punctual be me. So many overriding bullshit put on me to abide by this and advise by that. No controlling human being for me ever again. Limit my exposure to any unkind judgemental person to zero. Yes that's right zero. No more no more.

[@truthh8597]

7 Things that will get you into trouble with the narc- 1) Go into a battle for control 2) Go into a pleading or persuasive style of communication with them 3) Putting guilt and shame on them for treating you badly 4) You can collapse emotionally (you tell them you got to me) 5) Over-appeasement, fawning, becoming a pleaser (you denigrate yourself) 6) Maybe if I can appeal to the narc’s decency and humanity (it does not exist) 7) You can take their insults personally (they insult everyone)

[@rahrahrobbbieee]

Thanks

[@truthh8597]

Welcome

[@rebekahransom415]

This was awesome, Dr C. Operating from an attitude of detached Pragmatism is key, and you explained it so well. We gotta fall out of love, or stop needing them emotionally. It sounds lonely and cold hearted but we gotta be the logical one.

[@freechick6585]

Very, very true. We have to detach our emotions from them. We are normal; they are FAR from normal.

[@melodysledgister2468]

It's not lonely or cold hearted. It's actually the loving thing to do NOT to feed their narcissism. Remember, we are not their only victims.

[@crezante]

My employer (until yesterday) has many traits of a malignant narcissist. He used to give me impossible tasks (state authority related) and then call me out as incapable of doing my work. He also was insulting me, yelling, cursing, and shouting in a tremendous rage. After a few hours, he invited me to lunch. As I politely denied the invitation, he fired me. Now I am free of the nightmare I went through during the past three months. But he refused to pay me the salary for the entire month of august (knowing that I am in a particularly bad financial situation. He kept shouting that it has been my choice to leave this job. Which is not true (even if I feel relieved now). Within 1 year, I was his 18th assistant manager.

[@sandrapatriciaoriguarios4589]

Seek legal advice. You are still entitled to get paid for the job you did. It is your right as an employee. Hope you find a new job very soon.

[@matthewparker6830]

You are the best therapist on KZbin. Such great counsel when dealing with controlling cluster B personalities.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you.

[@sthomas4634]

Being me and being free

[@Voirreydirector]

Thank you, dear doctor. I apologize to dear team healthy for not catching things live, all of the regulars who are so welcoming and supportive and such. After so long I still feel somehow “beneath” those who raised me, I feel words like “mistakes” and “in trouble “ like blows from above. With your help, therapy, medication and my husband I still am working on climbing out of that hole. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks Susan. You're why I do these videos!!!

[@katyb2793]

@@SurvivingNarcissism can I ask, what do you when the narcissist is your carer, and you're bedridden? When they deliberately do things that hurt you or affect your health, and it can't be ignored, but you don't have any control over anything because you're bedridden and at their mercy? Your videos are so calm and helpful, I really appreciate it. I'm just exhausted and struggling to apply it.

[@christanatwork]

Thanks again, Dr. C. Been there, done all 7 unsuccessfully. The best part about being away from the person is the revelation that I'm really quite an ok guy. Have not had to apply any of these 7 tactics with anyone ever since. It's great to be normal!

[@mariadiez7165]

To saw them out. Last year, I 'dare', to tell to my 'older' brother that, he is an idiot and... Ooh boy! He put the phone down, for start with. Now he doesn't really talk to me at all His Ego is so fragile... Bless him, as my mother make him and my younger brother narcissist. (My mother just passed the way on the 20th of August) It is so sad, as you want to be there for them, but.. You have to protect yourself firts and firts able My bother (4 years older than me), never had a problem to make me feel... make me feel invalilete!. He can not, now, even me and, for the first time in 52 years to call him 'an idiot' and, he is not used for me to 'reply' For many people, including myself, takes years to come to terms, but has to be done. You are very beautiful and content, that is why they 'get away' I think that 0 contact is very much needed, until, or of they need you and if YOU really can be there for them, as you are the most important person in your life. Without your own mental health and steadiesness you cannot be there for others. Please, look after yourselfs firts... The rest just CAN wait and has to wait. 🤗💪😊😘💕. (🛑)

[@amandaroberts5111]

Same here with narc older brother, sense of superiority is way over the top! l am minimising contact.

[@Juke582]

We can’t win as everything is made to be our fault! Getting away from toxic nut jobs is the only answer to a bright future with no regrets! I am so relieved these days! I’ve got the power now over my own life! 😁

[@carmenanderson2303]

Smiling! Never smile at a crocodile.

[@francesbernard2445]

This video is encouraging to those of us who have left a narcissist and to whomever is planning to leave a narcissist too. In summary of mistakes made while continuing to stay away from having to live under the same roof as the narcissist: 1. Reacting by trying to counter control in the same game called narcissism. 2. Reacting by pleading, trying to pursuade, etc. while the narcissist is often changes the rules to whatever suits them instead. 3. Reacting by trying to guilt and shame which only will be received as more attention to the narcissist anyway. 4. Reacting by giving up in life in emotional collapse and self pity. 5. Reacting by people pleasing the narcissist and by pleasing the narcissists flying monkeys too. 6. Reacting by further trying to explaining to the narcissist about what a healthy relationship with them needs to look like concerning your needs too. 7. Reacting by taking to heart insults which the narcissist and their flying monkeys offer to us. - After we have learned about the dynamic of narcissisism and how to avoid it in our lives more than most people have to we could later become more successful than they would have been otherwise as result.

[@seifmattw]

I find it difficult to make myself unavailable, hoping the police will do enough and that I will heal. Thanks for the videos.

[@lilliewilliams3331]

Narcissist is just another word for psychopath.

[@bluestar.8938]

I have made each one of these mistakes several times over but now with your guidance Dr Carter I get it now, i see them for who they are. I got it. Thank you Dr Carter and Gus too : )

[@LL-jd5mn]

Who is Gus? A doggo of his or something😁

[@melodysledgister2468]

@@LL-jd5mn See the dog in the background?

[@einahsirro1488]

I have done all 7 of these while trying to deal with my mother.

[@Chasing70]

I appreciate you Dr C! I am so upset the last few months. My 13 year old grandson called me the filthiest words & won’t apologize. His parents are NOT REQUIRING him to even feel sorry! My son is a narcissist, but shows me the most love (crumbs, of course!), out of his dad & brother. My heart is completely broken that my family, that I worked so hard for has turned out to not love me in any way. They all refuse to communicate with me since I sent your videos to them! I used to fawn all over EVERY ONE OF THEM! Thank you for teaching me this information, you have saved my life! ON TO NEW ADVENTURES WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS traveling & crafting fun memories!

[@janetstephens9563]

I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing these kinds of hurts. Learn how to set boundaries with your loved ones. Their behavior is not a reflection of you. And yes, do enjoy time with your friends.

[@janetstephens9563]

Narcissists can’t take constructive criticism, so don’t waste your time.

[@Feribrat99]

Best choice you could have made, been there and have done that. My kids are the best ones of the humans I know and they are adults so they can do them and I will do me. The rest are not worth the powder to blow them up with. [ that includes nieces and nephews as my sibs and parents were all enablers. and varying narcs. ] I am not missing any of them, sad but true. I only give it a few moments to feel sad about it and I send it on and get on with my life. They suck as humans and I don't, Yay ME......

[@jmashack1]

Good for you. Enjoy your life to the fullest and don't let anyone abuse you emotionally. You got this

[@Chasing70]

@Commander Cecil McBragg thanks so much! Getting traumatized by them changed my personality in good ways. You keep being your amazing self! ❤️

[@t.l.7733]

Dr. C, I think " Team Healthy" needs to create a board game (like Monopoly, Trivia Pursuit, etc.) that covers all things Narcissism ( tactics & terminology). A different way for victims, survivors to learn, engage, & heal. I guess the winner would get a future- faked prize or a Team Healthy Gus bobblehead 🐕

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Great idea. And a Gus bobblehead is an excellent marketing tool!

[@aaronkwolfe]

Hmmm. “Narcissopoly” might have an added feature to bring awareness to the masses.

[@sylviaford3828]

This was an excellent, straightforward segment! Thank you, Dr. C.

[@desertgirlwarrior1921]

Number 1 ✅ Number 2 ✅ Number 3 ✅ Number 4 ✅ Number 5 ✅ Number 6 ✅ Number 7✅ ON POINT as ALWAYS Dr C!!! Have tried all of them over the years but you're spot on...to absolutely no avail!! 😓 What an invaluable source of information you are in assisting us to grow from our painful encounters with these people... from having to endure such darkness of their souls, but now thanks to you, moving on towards the light of dignity, respect, civility & peace. Eternally grateful ❤💎🙏🙌

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@cathyaceves8611]

I think I have collapsed emotionally in silence. Silence has become the name of the game sigh

[@jennywager6228]

Spent way to long in the cycle of deathly interactions before learning this. I thought the discard was going to kill me but actually now I’ve climbed out that hole I learned it was the best gift he ever gave me. No contact is amazing!

[@domesticated_kat]

This video was so helpful I had to type a bit of it up to save as a note on my home screen. Thank you. Mistakes you might make when dealing with a narcissist: 1. Go into a Battle for Control. 2. Plead, Persuade, Coercive. 3. Put Guilt and Shame on the narcissist. 4. Collapse Emotionally. 5. Fawning, Enter into the Appeasement Mode. 6. Share your Needs, Hurts, and Desires. 7. Take their Insults Personally. Remember: There is no we/us. Prioritize selfcare. Respect your boundaries & values. Stay calm, don't explain/defend, "nonetheless". Greatly lower your expectations. Make yourself less/unavailable. They are very broken, you cannot fix them.

[@jasongrice5465]

Thankyou for making the list 😊

[@sandys2672]

With all due respect, I dont believe “Sulking and whining” is a good way to describe The emotional response of someone who is suffering narcissistic abuse. Especially when they’re being vulnerable because they trust you to help them.

[@janetstephens9563]

I think anyone who has been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist has done all of the things that Dr. Carter listed. First it takes quite a while to understand that what you’re dealing with is a narcissist. Give yourself grace, because coming out of a narcissistic relationship is one of the hardest things that we could ever do. Learning to deal with a narcissist in a way that is healthy for us takes a lot of time to figure out. I look at Dr. Carter’s topics as information that will help me go forward. I think “7 Mistakes” gives us tools to work with, that will make our lives a little easier. I think about these things now when I have to interact with the narcissist. Sometimes I fall back into these old patterns. Give yourself grace. Two steps forward, 1 step back.

[@janetstephens9563]

I agree that Dr. Carter’s words may sound somewhat insensitive, but I am sure that is not his intent. He’s human just like the rest of us, and things may not come out “the right way.” Overlook the things that bother you, and glean the things that will help you.

[@janetstephens9563]

Thank you, Dr. Carter for helping us learn about narcissists, and how we can take care of ourselves. I made my husband move out about 3 1/2 years ago, and have gone no contact with him. The hardest part has been watching my grandkids cry for “Papaw”. Can you do a video about helping young children cope when someone they dearly love is a narcissist?

[@yamlwoz]

I'd really love to receive this help as well. My 2 granddaughters are suffering and I don't know how best to help them.

[@christine9467]

Yes my daughter and grandkids suffer tremendously. They don’t even like him much anymore. He thinks he’s showing love to them by picking on them and bugging them, like a pest! He spends zero quality time with them. When he tries, it’s fake. It’s like he doesn’t know how to. He almost becomes a little kid around them and then gets angry once they make the wrong move. It’s quite tragic really.

[@melodysledgister2468]

That is so sad! But you are doing what is ultimately best for them--removing the narc from his place of influence. Yes, narcs can be loveable. 🙃

[@Georgia.O]

Sometimes putting those boundaries is not readily feasible, if for example the narcissist is a boss or someone in a position of authority.

[@southerncatlady]

I HATE that I fell into the mimicking cycle. I hate who I became with that person. I have always been stubborn, and utterly unwilling to take blame that isn't mine to take. But I turned into a nutcase about it, and I was so high strung that I was always prepared for a fight every second of every day. I hate that version of me. I don't ever want to be that person again!

[@troy7962]

Don’t take anything a narcissist says or does personal. Realize they are projecting their fears, traumas, and guilt and shame on others. Just ignore them like a baby crying in a height chair.

[@makeishabanks6964]

I so enjoy seeing Gus curled up on the couch. ❤

[@dianadeane9233]

Each of these “maybe things will be ok if…” bargaining, anger, disbelief, sounds a bit like the stages of grief. 🤔💭

[@thinkingallowed1st]

I have hated myself for mimicking their actions. Thank you for putting me onto the healthy path. I didnt like who id become

[@jodiburnett6211]

I’m listening to your advice while applying it in my mind-why you just don’t mess with Dracula. Because he’s Dracula. Thank you so much for your help. Your kind, yet no bs approach is a balm.

[@oxigenarian9763]

"...your relationship skills become less and less effective." It took me a long time to figure out that typical relationship improvement advice is oil and water with these people. I spent years agonizing over my own inability to connect only to find out that you can't, you have to do the OPPOSITE of what the 'experts' tell you to do in order to get along with narcissistic personalities. These experts base their advice on people who are emotionally healthy and rarely admit that narcissistic relationships are a different problem altogether. Speaking from personal experience, Dr. Carter's video is solid gold advice on managing this kind of relationship when you can't just walk away....

[@callalilly1988]

Oh, the circular debates. I learned to stop it once I saw one coming on. He did not like that. I noticed going home to my parents one time that I had picked up a habit that infuriated me with the narcissist. I was doing it to my mum, my intent was not malicious but it made me sick when I realised it. It made me feel like I needed to scour my soul with boiling water and bleach .

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I don't exist to the narcissist unless I am at his beck and call and believe his lies. I won't tolerate this lack of respect from him. His loss!

[@christinelockhart5764]

I'm working on doing what you are suggesting. Having the grandkids being around this toxicity still breaks my heart. I don't share anything about me with their father.

[@honey-feeney9800]

I love Dr. Carter’s southern drawl and his Style, like a back country southern therapist. I’m a city girl and listening to Dr. Carter relaxes me.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Pleased!

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

Thank you, Dr. C, for your clarity on the subject. We morph into clones of them when we adopt their maladaptive coping mechanisms.

[@Sonzoul1]

bad habits emerge when you are around them WOW.

[@elainebau6354]

I love the sincerity of these videos. His calming voice is love.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you.

[@NarcissistFreealmost]

First sign someone is toxic walk/run! Do not waste your precious time.

[@janellesiegenberg7216]

They don’t do relationships. They only want, “funtionship.” That is all they know. What function can I utilize you for to make me look good and feel good? No love, no value and ultimately your final function is to make you their scapegoat so they can lie to the world (that does not even care) that they are a, “good” person. It’s insanity. Exhausting and just a waste of a life.

[@triciapotter3331]

I agree with all of these mistakes and have made a myriad of them. Now, i just don't speak, am polite, and I mind my own business. Its not perfect but it helps.

[@maureenkasischke7864]

Great advice!

[@donna-colorado8443]

Dr. C. You are such a loving caring person and I want to thank you(can't thank you enough)for helping all of understand what we are up against. Please give Gus a pet and a big hug from me. Please tell your wife hello and I hope you all have a blessed day.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Donna!

[@rosesantiago174]

THANK YOU!

[@stevesilver6444]

WOW, what great advise! I have fallen for all 7 many times -I was raised by one! (mother) -I married one! -then recently I discovered my sister was one, but she has always quietly played her games incognito! It took me so many years to discover and put 2 & 2 together concerning the person who I often confided in! (I always wondered how it was that my goals & plans were messed up 🤷🏼‍♂️) Turns out my sister does not respect freedom of choice! she would never tell me to my face that she did not approve, instead she pretended to like my ideas then quietly behind my back she would do anything & say anything to prevent my success! The level of my frustration is to the point of wanting to disappear from my family - there are many generations of this behavior.

[@Cat-oj4oz]

Woof! I'm thinking of how robotic I'm going to have to become to deal with the narc...it's going to take a lot of brain scrubbing to remove my "person" from the "transaction". When I "backslide" into personhood, I need your voice of reason...I go to church to become a better person, then have to pull the old switcheroo...I've developed concentric circles in my eyes, along with whiplash; the good thing is: the narc has a lovely daughter!

[@123raven4]

Very good video! Thank you Dr. C!!

[@normagaunce9630]

Thank you for sharing ❤

[@Armygirl4Christ]

Another home run! Thank you, Dr C! 🤗 For you and Gus

[@luffypupperstien2706]

1. Existing 2. Saying something 3. Breathing 4. Still existing 🤣

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're on it!!

[@thomaslopez6518]

Absolutely outstanding

[@r.w.6556]

Great content, as always! Thank you for the important work you are doing!

[@mojezosiowanie]

Thank you. The healthy internal dialogues you always record is what is exceptional about your channel on narcissism. They always hit a point. Very useful and healing.

[@pipobrien9244]

Spot on. Brilliant summary of what they can do.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Journal worthy instructions, Dr Carter! 💜

[@virginiarowe4204]

Thank you so much for all of your advice!