Why Is A Narcissist A Narcissist? How Did They Get This Way?

[@koma4050]

Another word or label for the narcissist is soul sucker. You would understand this if you’ve spent a significant amount of time with one.

[@robprarson3774]

Energy Vampires

[@rvrl8667]

'Dementor' is another name

[@donnabradley765]

Perfect description! I call them energy vampires!

[@sarahbatsford4791]

Yes my twin had the life sucked out of her, totally controlled.

[@rppope1006]

I understanding completely.

[@penelopelambson9128]

Great info as always. What annoys me about having a narcissist around is that we have to spend so much time and energy learning to understand and deal with them, and they do absolutely NOTHING to understand and deal with us. No matter how one looks at it, a relationship with a narc is and always be focused on them. They literally suck the life out of others.

[@theresaschneider7100]

Penelope Lambson Do you think that the idea of vampires was created from narcissistic relationships? They suck the life out of their victims.

[@janetstonerook4552]

That's why you keep away from them. Far, far away if possible.! We have to understand them the same way we understand any other indiviual who would cause us and those we love harm. To protect ourselves. Narcissists usually don't stick around once they know you are onto them.

[@christar9527]

My husband always referred to his mother as the energy vampire. Hanging around her you feel your life energy being drained immediately. They DO steal your energy, it’s a fact! They will cause damage to your body so stay away!

[@pamwhitehouse5961]

All one sided, and it's us who have to take measures on fixing ourselves, but they don't have to do that? I understand that self-reflecting and looking within is a means to better one's self and quality of life as well as relationships with others, but these people only deal with their own material and flesh-related desires and have no sense to realize that in all fairness, they need to look at themselves and work on themselves, but they won't. They're so convinced by their own lies.

[@lone8869]

Oh yes. Everyone in my family has constantly had to say '' oh you know what she is like let's just go with what she wants" and numerous similar sayings. Let's all spend our lives tiptoeing around the mood swings or perceived wrongs we have all done. It's always everyone else that has caused the issues.

[@spacecoastaesthetics6990]

You're best bet if you discover someone may have NPD is to keep them out of your life. You can't help them, you can't fix them and they will always make your life miserable. Be happy. Be Narcissist-Free.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I refuse to bow to the narc(dad), one of his brothers, or accomodate their nonsense!

[@masindi5969]

Being married to a narcissistic wife has probably been one of the worst part of my life and ongoing. The scary thing is seeing that behaviour rubbing off on the kids. It's a very defeating situation.

[@jammetmalibu]

Having a low level of empathy is a clear sign of inferiority. Being a kind and loving and gentle person is a superior stance. I'm not saying that I am a better person than the abuser, but I am healthier and wiser and am so lucky to not be that toxic person. I count my blessings and that's a huge one. All that I have endured has left me confused and bewildered at times, but I am brave and smart and strong for saving me from this awful situation. I am free. And for the most part Happy. Thank you Dr.

[@bekinditcostsnothing1684]

I tend to agree ...

[@davidoaikhena4380]

Being an empath is a great virtue! Please don’t change who you are! Empaths are great leaders!

[@NekolasM]

@@davidoaikhena4380 I would assert that empathy should be a prerequisite for any leader, anywhere. Narcs should be universally shunned out of all leadership roles. The crux of the problem is that they run this world according to their beliefs.

[@fdfyujmjjuogdy9564]

💛🍀

[@I_Ace]

Lets not throw out the word superior. Kinda playing a similar game of the narcissist just with a different trait

[@scottdunn2178]

It's extreme overcompensation for extreme insecurity...

[@lone8869]

Absolutely bang on. Sadly for me it's my mother and underneath it all is extreme insecurity but the fallout of that is huge for so many people. It's caused damage that can never be repaired.

[@scottdunn2178]

@Don X Don't kid yourself, Don, this type of deep seated insecurity isn't cured by money, fame, or success. If they are trying to fool you into believing they are happy now... it's just an attempt to overcompensate to try and fool you... and themselves. I guarantee they cry themselves to sleep just like before.

[@sylviacarlson3561]

Right on!

[@lv224]

@Don X Totally agree with you. It's the ones who aren't narcissistic who have been left the hard work.

[@robinhorton432]

Agreed!

[@lauraJa777]

The one thing I've learned, the hard way is.... the more you try to talk to them the more they use your wisdom to bamboozle you. They'll act like they are listening and agreeing (especially when they've been caught doing something unsavory) but all they are doing is learning more manipulation tactics. So be warned; talking to them may produce far worse results and then you are on the receiving end of their pathological games.

[@curli-lettey4319]

Sooo true. Overall it's a waste of time pinpointing their faults and exposing it to them because all they will do is deny it or play the word toss games and try to confuse you and make you believe their mode of reasoning. Just leave them alone.

[@drewowings2515]

Laura J this just happened to me yesterday. I was trying to talk then she all of a sudden was “stealing” my words that I use but she don’t. I looked at her completely confused and laughed and said “wtf u don’t talk like that trying to steal my words and wisdom “. She stomped off as usual

[@itm4173]

OMG this is so True! Being honest or authentic with people that have NPD is putting bullets into the gun that’ll be used to shoot you in the face. NEVER, ever give them an honest thought or feeling. That shared vulnerability will be turned against you every time. It may not be for quite some time but they’ve got the ability to store that information away and use it against you. It’s ok to talk about the weather or do a lot of “hmmmm” but authenticity, NEVER!!!!!

[@lauraJa777]

@@itm4173 Isn't is amazing how they Never remember saying "this or that" but they always remember what you say and use it against you.

[@lauraJa777]

@@drewowings2515 Oh Yes, the "stomping off" game! Catch them in a lie or one of their games, and off they go. I can not count how many times I've said "I just said that." Simply talking to these people can make you feel "bonkers."

[@rebaseymour1810]

1. In born trait...the way they were wired 2. Extreme expectations...high or low expectations 3. Over emphasize superficial things 4. Inconsistent caregiver 5. Exposure to improper anger...passive-aggressive, poor anger management 6. Emotional and relational things...not openly explored 7. Learned manipulation...get what you want through hook or crook

[@rahrahrobbbieee]

Thanks.

[@damo780]

And set in Stone

[@t_nels]

My mom often used 'by hookb or by crook'.

[@ArchAngel435]

Was married to a narc for 25 yrs. I expressed poor anger management and passive aggressive anger too as a result of being in the toxic relationship. It has affected my daughters. How do we heal ?

[@dgontar]

And they will never change and never acknowledge what they do, although they might give you that sarcastic smirk every now and then. The only way to defeat them is to abandon them.

[@orangeandslinky]

Now that I know it's a real thing, I TRY to not take it personal as I always did. They can't love you anymore than a cat can fly. Now that I understand it some and it actually does make sense, I see it as a natural way to be in feminism.

[@sherrynalder1359]

The sarcastic smirk. Well said.

[@davidcoppotelli3957]

Daniel, You are 100% Correct. I will never forget that Devil Smirk on her Face. I Walked Away from her and Dumped her. Get away stay away. The Reap what they Sow. KARMA gets to delivered to them like a FEDEX PACKAGE.

[@maureenbennett809]

I have just discovered my partner is a narcissist after being with him for 10 years. Now everything makes sense and I refuse to be broken and seeking a way to exit.

[@sparklyhomesteader5414]

Me too Maureen. 19 years and I just figured it out three months ago. Slow detachment, like the popping of octopus tentacles is working for me. I hope that helps. Blessings💖

[@Natalia-vv8xn]

I’m right there with you ladies :( going on 17 years, have two little ones and pregnant with my third. I was so blind, and thought he would/could change, so many empty promises.. he’s never changed and it’s a vicious cycle, and he almost broke me. I’m also looking for a way out, and trying my beat to not let my fear of the unknown keep me stuck in this toxic relationship.

[@allyw1364]

Im free now for 9 years but its been a hard road to recovery, I have CPSTD so its alot to cope with .........but nothing like my old life, suffered for over 20 years......... life is just so peaceful now, You will all know when the time is right to get out all the best to you sending (((((( hugs))))))) happiness is waiting on the other side of the rainbow👏

[@larsonanne]

All you commenting here, another great resource is a good fb group called "Healing from hidden abuse - Narcissistic and toxic relationships." Besides being confirmed about what you're going through, some posts (comments) explain how to save money secretly so that you can get out, and others are posts from people explaining how they got out and how their life is now. So it's full of a variety of ways you can process all of this.

[@junevang352]

Ladies... have you guys found a way out? I'm trying... trying to get out of mines. It's a serious mental pain.... I am mentally drained it's not even funny anymore.

[@WilliamRHill]

Having been exposed to narcissistic individuals all my life, they seem to " reep what they sow". In the end it all comes back to them knock, knock. I guess it's their own fault after all. Karma gets them in the end.

[@lunabinofsin]

Funny you said that because everytime my narc boyfriend abused me while i was already hurt, the next day hed get hurt in a similar way. For example in an argument he started, i had a broken toe, and he of course made it 10x harder than it needed to be, threw a lighter at my face at one point, the next day he got a bad cyst on his shoulder and was in bed for a few days. If he had his toe broken, my lord hed expect me to drop anything and everything even if mine was broken as well to help him. If i treated him how he treated me if the roles were reversed, my god hed see me as the most evil person alive, how DARE I. But once i bring myself up where hes not a victim in, im a selfish, needy b word lol

[@WilliamRHill]

@@lunabinofsin - I hope that your out of that relationship.

[@MariaArriaga]

I can’t wait for this day. He abuses me daily, lies “habitual liar”, he cheats and all in all is a horrific person. I can’t wait for him to get his.

[@WilliamRHill]

@@MariaArriaga - And he will ! God bless you.

[@allenh7835]

Facts ! Notice how old friends avoid them, family eventually despises them. I have seen several die, miserable and alone. I have zero sympathy for them. The only good one is a dead one.

[@CorinneIsIn]

Narcissists are typically attracted to people who struggle to take good care of themselves or who have faulty boundaries. Sadly, those who can handle the narcissist better are people who can take good care of themselves but the narcissists have NO attraction to that type UNLESS they have resources the narcissist can use.

[@uyoebyik]

They go for people who are in needy circumstances

[@fran791]

Nobody can handle narcissists to be honest. Besides other narcissists, but that would just be destruction from both sides

[@CorinneIsIn]

@@fran791 Not all narcissists are malignant. It's a psychological disorder of the personality. It isn't any more an indicator of being evil or vile than it would be for the average person. We need to get away from this idea that all narcissists are evil malfeasants. It's just not how it works.

[@fran791]

@@CorinneIsIn I didn't mean to say that they're evil, I meant to say that they can't really have healthy relationships that aren't one sided. That's what I meant by "they can't be handled". They rarely can last in a normal relationship. And putting 2 narcissists together wouldn't really help because it would just be 2 egocentric immature people together and that's not a situation that would allow true love to thrive

[@bethwv2433]

Behavior is a choice even if someone was broken

[@user-yj7xw8on2t]

I completely agree. I feel the same way.

[@zaneyenny]

Dealing with these people is a living hell. Thanks for reminding us that we are not the crazy ones. I'm exhausted always waiting to find out what their next problem is that I can't solve.

[@marthabenefield6530]

Thank you Dr.Carter.Your teachings gave me back my life.l am 80 yrs old. and have a new perspective on life . Thank you Martha

[@krystalrussell38]

So true. They didn't care if I worked if I did they desired my money for alcohol and cigarettes and shit.

[@lifeisgood7740]

Zane Yenny So true. Walking on eggshells. I used to savor the good, peaceful times, as I never knew when the next bomb would explode.

[@Mrandycudd]

Well put

[@davidoaikhena4380]

Never ever accept you are crazy 😂🤷‍♂️ That’s their aim to discredit you! They are the crazy ones 😜 Be bold and confident and enjoy you life!

[@marioVSN]

I wish I had a father like you! Thank you for all the insight and knowlege!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I appreciate the nice nice compliment, Mario. Dr. C

[@7777lizabeth]

I had a wonderful father! Men respected him and he treated my mother like a queen! But, I still married 2 narcissists! What a nightmare!

[@7777lizabeth]

Mario, You can choose who you want to be! Do not allow yourself to make mistakes your own father may have! Examine yourself and be a better man! Slow to speak and quick to listen!

[@isasimental1113]

I agree. I wish I knew him years ago might have saved me from the psychopath I was married to and can't get him to sign divorce papers.

[@pera654]

I wish this too!😊

[@amithananaiah4272]

I feel that reasoning with a narrascist is like telling a blind man or explaining about an elephant which they have no clue about.

[@isabelleparise5607]

I will share this quote: If we desert the inner self to focus the energy outside, it leaves a vacancy inside. You should never give up your inner self inside.

[@ggmenino3994]

We need to constantly work on our inner self - be aware of the bad and the good and try to correct what we can

Oh and isn't it the struggle of everday? Thank you. People used to say it's being "stubborn " I'm not talking about loading a dishwasher lol. I mean the road. Staying on the road that's both fulfilling and ethical.

[@janisgaines5330]

Thank you for saying this.

[@IndohNintendo]

That's exactly how it feels. Like you've sacrificed yourself. Sacrificed your happiness for theirs.

[@isabelleparise5607]

@@IndohNintendo if you look up the word enmeshment meaning on the internet you will find out it looks the same as well.

[@kaiser1295]

My father is a narcissist. Speaking from personal experience, my father also has an inferiority complex. He developed narcissism as a defense mechanism because he thinks society is against him and he needs to prove himself by being superior. He comes from a physically abusive household. His mother was violent and never showed any affection. Neither did his father. He’s also an introvert growing up and didn’t have many friends.

[@barbaramoore5070]

This sounds like my boyfriend who Ive been with for a year and a half. His mother abused him. I find it very hard being with him, but I think there’s a part of me that pities him….he can be so nasty to me, and yet I love him 😮 I would like to leave, but I’m afraid I’ll miss him…😢 Talk about being mixed up in my head!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

You describe my father, exactly! I am not in contact with him for my well-being. I don't have to put up with his bull....anymore(nor did I)!

[@bk2342]

Growing up I never heard or knew of the word narcissism. What people used to label it as was “different behind closed doors.” Which sums it up completely.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yep! Dr. C

[@ritabook5335]

Yes! A perfect, calm, amiable person at the office and a controlling, mental abuser at home.

[@albusdumbledore3782]

Yes, I personally witnessed the Dr. Heckle/Mr. Hyde affect during a three-month relationship with my narcissist. They know out in public people watch them and they turn on the charm. It’s disturbingly fascinating though to witness this.

[@pennybergmen8933]

Most helpful comment ever! Thank you

[@321hair]

Trust me .30 years of this!! Like removing the stripes from a tiger!! Not possible.. nothing will be fixed if they don't see the broken part!! Ever

[@josephsilin6041]

"I'm committed to my own personal growth."

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes! Dr. C

[@danarchambault8723]

They know everything and are always right , live in their own heads

[@LaviniaCS18]

Broken people who break other people.

[@kristieingram2039]

The narc I was with just got worse and worse over a course of 14-yrs.... I had to be on guard 24/7 against his con games.... Being around a narc drains a person of everything .....

[@Maerahn]

As someone who was raised by a narcissist, a lot of the environmental factors you mentioned were things I experienced growing up as well. That's why I've always been terrified that I might be a narcissist as well, without realising I am (I was clinically diagnosed with PTSD and OSDD-1 following a breakdown in my early twenties, so it's not like I'm looking for yet another diagnosis to layer on top of those!) I have son of my own now, and the last thing I would ever want in this world is for him to feel even an atom of the misery and lack of self-worth I felt so often when I was growing up.

[@belindamydogsteppedonabee2445]

The fact that you worry about being that way, shows that you are NOT that way.

[@rauxieswisdom3102]

Wow, I needed to hear that today. I worried about that too. I know of assimilation, and don’t feel like it is discussed often enough.

[@ZarasthuraGyattt]

@@belindamydogsteppedonabee2445 but we work that way unconsciously even we worry about it

[@joanhenschel3511]

I'm hugging you right now, virtually. I went through the same as you have, so sorry 😢

[@1213stmarie]

I just now noticed the dog curled up, asleep on the armchair. LOL! Before I realized there was a dog there I thought it was a pillow. Love this💖✨💫

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sometimes Gus IS my pillow.

[@francesbernard2445]

in summary: Narcissism exists in persons because of both nature and nurture. A narcissist is not going to change because of how we nurture them while pointing out their wrongs to them. It is healthy when we stand up to a narcissist for ourselves and for our children - Not because we are seeking to change them.

[@kathleenreardon8943]

I have lived with three narcissists; my mother and both husbands. It wasn't until I started watching these videos that I really understood my situation. They made my life hell. I have suffered so much. I'm 67 years old and trying to save whatever time I have left for happiness. These people cause such serious problems for others, the illnesses, the financial hardships, the desperate, crazy feelings of hurt and loss and the constant confusion. We as humanity need to educate everyone to watch for these evil, life sucking creatures. Everyone needs to watch out for them, at home, in the work place, and especially in our public servants. While they are only 6% of the population they control so much of our everyday lives, because that's what they want---CONTROL.

[@diablita130]

Knowledge is power the more I know the far I stay away 😐

[@monewilliams6245]

That's what I'm doing..the more I know the more I ignore and dismiss

[@aprilholton1150]

The narc in my life was (is) my mother! I didn't know there was a name for them, or even that other people dealt with them. I went no contact for a year and a half which helped in my healing process. I did learn her childhood was pretty bad, she was molested at a young age as well. I can't imagine going through something like that so my heart went out to her, and helped me to understand a bit. But I will never understand having no empathy!! I've been through a lot in my own life, but I still empathize with others who are hurting. I remember realizing that she never really loved, and will NEVER change!! Honestly, if Jesus had not come into my life I would not be here today. He saved my life and knowing I will be with God forever in eternity allows me to go on............I pray for my mother and the people she has affected(many), but since they do not change I gave up on that and re-focused myself. Bottom line is, it is so sad narcissists are the way they are...........God bless anyone going through this now

[@apostatejim2080]

Yeah, the distancing I needed from my mother was necessary and a hard thing to do, the whole family shunned me, but it was worth it. They all tried to play guilt trips on me. I was the typical overachiever, self-sacrificing one.

[@robinmartin7835]

My mother is this way, and I managed to produce a daughter who is very similar, even though the two rarely had contact. My daughter likes to tell everyone I was abusive, but she has also told blatant lies about me to everyone, so how much of it was my fault? Her father and his mother are narcs as well, so maybe the deck was stacked against her from the beginning. For whatever I may have done to contribute to it, I’m sorry, but what can I do about it now? She has cut off her entire family, except for when she needs something. I refuse to enable her.

[@christar9527]

As for the empathy part, I was born an empath and I can see that some people just don’t have that in them. My sisters for example were cold hearted and didn’t care about others from the get go. They wouldn’t stand up against any injustice being done to others like I naturally would. I have noticed that zodiac signs has something to do with it sort of. They were air signs, Gemini and Aquarius, and these people are low on empathy naturally. There’s a pattern, a tendency for them to be stuck in their heads only and not having a heart. That’s what I think.

[@lisbethbird8268]

@@christar9527 I'm empath to a fault, and Gemini sun sign. I think you're observation is overly simplistic.

[@sideswiped6874]

April, all my mother's friends. as well as my mother were all cold narcissistic mothers. they were all so sharp mouthed and uncaring, finger pointing, blaming cold, cold women. how men could love them I do not know. but in my father's case I think it was simple, he fell in love with my mother's looks, and he lived in the bed he had made for himself

[@dhearndon]

Next time a narc starts telling you something, tell them, “Wait a minute” and then walk away. Thats what I plan on doing myself because I’m tired of feeling like dirt and being sad after they talk to me.

[@janfinale2039]

😅😅😅😂👍

[@lovelyA933]

After having encountered many narcissists in my life, I think I've been able to figure out ways to identify them. Here are a few traits to look out for: 1. Most of the times, they appear charming, extroverted, friendly, like the life of the party or just seem like a very sociable person. May not shy away from the spotlight, but some do feel drowned in a big crowd (because they are not the center of attention in that situation). 2. They LOVE to talk, especially about themselves. When they "make conversation" is mostly just them doing all the talking, barely letting anyone give any input. They also lead the conversation so that they can talk about themselves more. Another thing is, they love to gossip and talk bad about other people behind their backs. 3. They love to "humble brag", it's their bread and butter. Everytime they talk they "casually" mention how loyal they are, how friendly, how KIND, how intelligent, how educated, how rich, how attractive they are...and the list goes on. This is because they have a superiority complex and they want everyone to believe how great they are. They believe they are better than everyone else and want everyone to know it. 4. They use their kind acts methodically, always with an ulterior motive. Most of the times they do acts of kindness to keep up the image of how kind they are, it's just for show and only the necessary. Some do go above and beyond to prove how good they are. 5. They lack empathy. They don't care about others, only themselves. They also don't care about animals, if they have pets they usually neglect them and only use them for sympathy points. 6. They usually have "lots of friends" and a very "busy" or "exciting" love and/or work life. They are always bragging about how cool their job is, how many friends they have, how often they go out, how many people are interested in them romantically. They love to feel like they are the center of attention. 7. They seek out vulnerable people. Most of the times, they target shy or insecure people to boost their ego. They will try their best to keep you down so they come on top. They will criticise you, give you back handed compliments, judge you, etc. Sometimes they will subtly insult you and then inmediately change the subject so you don't have time to react. When you call them out they will gaslight you and blame you for overreacting or being too sensitive or for misunderstanding them. 8. They are very superficial. They might say they have certain interests, but only in a very superficial way. Or they may also be very superficial in general and care just about trends, purchase fancy brands, all to appear cool and rich and "fit in", but in reality they don't take the time to dig deeper and learn more about what their supposed interests are, they only care about being thought of as cool. This is a sign of their lack of self awareness, they don't know who they are and don't care to figure it out. 9. Their eyes, they look dark and empty. It's hard to tell at first, but it feels cold in there, like they are looking through you, like there is really nothing there, not a soul, not a personality, just a void. Something's evil about their eyes, you can almost see the ill intent hiding behind them. 10. Another important thing to look out for is your gut feeling about them. If something feels off, it most probably is. You might feel guilty and like you are judging them too harsh, but if your gut is telling you something is off, listen to that. Also, if you notice other people feeling or acting weird around them as well but not knowing why, is because they can also sense something is off. It's like no one wants to be around them for long, but stay out of pity and they thrive on that.

[@hyg44gu54]

I personally think they’re born with specific traits, plus their environment contributes to their development or lack of. The age old argument of: nature -vs-nurture.. both.

[@sheilajac]

I wonder if the traits are correlated with other things, like eye colour...in my family, my mom and brother have blue eyes and seem to have the same ability to empathize. Mine are green and I think my dad's are too. Im not sure what he is, other than brainwashed by my mom (and an alcoholic) but he and I are more similar in in a few ways than I am to my mom or brother. Things that make you go hmmmm...

[@carefulcarpenter]

I don't conclude this, but with my brother, he was tramatized by things that we could not have known. I think back about the time that our older brother and I were scaring him about shadows in the dark bedroom we shared. He believed "there is a wife in the closet!" I think he meant witch. I would suggest that the movie we watched every year, "The Wizard of Oz", ws the source of this fear. He got in trouble much more than his older brothers, and apparently he was seeking attention in doing so. Recently he told me that I was an "awesome" brother. In the end, he is much like our father was---- a genius with high EQ--- that was a threat to the rule-makers. Both my dad was, and my brother is, a good man in a sick culture.

[@sheilajac]

​@@carefulcarpenter how exactly was he a threat?

[@carefulcarpenter]

@@sheilajac His high EQ, and his genius in general. Men are very threatened by these qualities. My mother was a career RN. She told me that my dad was the smartest man she knew. I understood what she was telling me. Dr Fauci. He is the top medical expert in our nation?

[@sheilajac]

@@carefulcarpenter I'm Canadian. Maybe its just me, but "Dr Fauci" sounds like a perfect name for a villain, lol

[@johnkritchey8445]

I carry a smooth rock in my pocket and rub it with my thumb while dealing with the narc. Its really cool, painted purple and the word relax is written on it. During the interaction I remain aloof and just listen. I let them her rattle off and go on and on. I just stay quiet, think, and think and think some more. When done, when ready, I provide a short response. It did not happen over night. I just had enough of my weakness in reacting to them and feel like crap after. I put my foot down and took control of myself and my mind and my space. These technique is powerful and can be applied to all interactions - personal, business, and relationships. I wish you all the best. You can do it!

[@TheVintageBumbleBee]

I wouldn't trust myself with a rock in my pocket.

[@damsbb2440]

What is that They are vampires .. peolle around them specially family get hurt physically and mentally

[@lisbethbird8268]

I have a gray pebble

[@GS-st9ns]

Speak my mind. We all need something. I keep a black twisty tie wrapped around my index finger. I rub it or look at it to remind myself that I'm better than that

[@micheleagren1604]

Speak My Mind, thank you for sharing how you get through word salad times; with the narc, I'm going to try that.

[@colleencpc1]

My daughter is a narcissist. I never even realized it until she lived with her brother for 2 years, and he shared it with me after he asked her to move out. She told him she was done with him and with me. It was a sad time for me, until the day my son said "Mom, she's a narcissist." It was a wake up call for me. Then I started watching your vlogs and it all made sense. Thank you.

[@kensyskye8965]

colleencpc1 I’m starting to think my son is.....It’s heartbreaking......💔

[@faridaaali6170]

Is heartbreaking

[@rachelhope3161]

It’s been 2 years since I have been free from my narcissist who I was with for 17 years. I am thankful to be in a better place in my life and because of great videos like these, I am now fully educated. Now when I meet new people, I honor my emotions and gut instinct which never lie. I will never ever truly understand a narcissist because I am a fully feeling, loving and caring person. My narcissist was my deceased husband’s best friend from childhood. I trusted him as he wove himself into my finances and got his name on my home for zero equity. In the end, I had to buy my own home and business from this devil of a man, but now I’m free, educated and I have peace which is priceless. I’ll never forget when begging the narcissist not to take my home from me and my kids about how I just want freedom and he said, “freedom doesn’t come free.” He made me pay for it financially and spiritually. There were times when I thought I wouldn’t survive even contemplated suicide. Thank the universe because it’s all behind me and my life is simple and peaceful. Thank you DOC!

[@Zepster77]

Omg that’s horrifying…. it’s obvious you are strong, smart, and a very effective communicator…. Glad you got though this ❤‍🔥🌠

[@Susan-lf2hl]

Man that guy was a master manipulator

[@lifestylebyrachel]

Thank you so much. Sadly when I left the narcissist he told my oldest son now 28 that his biological father who died from leukemia was not his real dad. He told him I stole his college savings and other horrible lies about me. My son stopped speaking to me in 2020. I thought I was healed but instead live in grief everyday over the loss of a loving relationship with my son. This man is pure evil. He most recently married a wealthy and orthodox doctor. She is clueless and he is a much better and more evolved master manipulator. I know he didn’t marry for love. We have a biological daughter together and recently she told me how she feels her father is so fake and phony as he now acts like he is this orthodox religious guy.

[@susanmbird1360]

I was born into having a sibling that is a narcissist. I did get away as I got older from that Environment. What happened is she went after my family & as my kids got of age they were fair game for her. There is never a escape from a person like that. even when they have passed PTSD happened to me. Nobody talked of this stuff I. The 50’s & 60’s. I hope you help young people deal with this & not have to live scared by being forced to live in a house with someone like that.

[@jamesarmstrong4179]

Susan Bird,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narcissist.....

[@luckystaramourangel9345]

My messed up childhood lead to me having narc traits which I do my best to keep in check. I'm also very empathetic. Education helps.

[@nermanasaheta3638]

i was looking for a comment like this, everyone is talking about their experience with a narcissist and i feel bad because ive started to notice more and more of narc traits on myself but im also very empathic which is the only thing that stands out from these i hope we both heal and not cause anyone else trauma

[@barbc7698]

And here we have Gus , in another comfy chair. A lot of this teaching makes sense after viewing a few of these videos.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Barb, and Gus thanks you. Dr. C

[@andreakohlhaussen7556]

I am a twin too😌I have a non identical twin brother. ... as usual excellently explained. Your videos help me so much to recover from my Ex Narc. I managed to leave him after three attempts I finally did in July. We had been together or 14 month. I am still traumatised... even so I learned so much about narcissism😰

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning, Andrea, and best wishes moving forward! Dr. C

[@andreakohlhaussen7556]

@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you for your kind response. I will do my best and be my best. All the best to you, Sincerely, Andrea

[@FS02012]

I grew up with an evil stepfather who used to mentally abuse me! He would make me not be allowed to to talk to my own mother, beat me, and was very cruel to me. Now 30 years later i have psychological trauma and find myself very bitter and cold hearted to the point i could care less if my mother and that evil man die and find myself having issues with all relationships

[@katherinegordon8088]

Thank you for not demonizing a person while explaining that we all have elements of narcissist behavior in us. I want to be in growth mode.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for these good comments, Katherine. Dr. C

[@joshuawong9157]

I grew up with a narcissistic mother, became a narcissist, realiased that I am a narcissist. I can relate to every point mentioned in the video. Now, all I feel is fear.

[@Nyctophora]

I hope you heal, you are self-aware and admitting to it, that's more than almost every other narcissist and I wish you a better life, for yourself, and for others. You sound as if you _want_ to change and that's the first step most never take. Keep on trying,

[@drmikevasovski]

Speaking for myself, once a narcissist accepts their condition some seek answers from videos like these to rid themselves of this behavior. Maybe most are incapable of change but there are those who want to give it a go even if the odds are against us. The treatment for an ailment be it emotional or physical must include determining the etiology (cause). This video should go to the top of the list. Thank you for doing it.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes. Thanks, Mike, I'm tracking with what you say here! Dr. C

[@deanarush9527]

I want to praise you for laying down your pride, sir,and accepting that there is a problem, that IS change for a narcissist! I will pray for your healing 💘🙏

[@fdfyujmjjuogdy9564]

💚🍀

[@TechWiz1983]

Praying for your healing. With faith you can do it. Love your self well, and loving other well will manifest. God bless.

[@lynnfincham6839]

I can relate, they use knowledge to learn about narcissism and grow into the behaviour more

[@johnkritchey8445]

A simple way to express a narc to others who give you wide eyes when you use that term so people relate is refer to them as a BULLY, but a special kind of. Then they seem to get it a little better.

[@universeofopulence]

...even then they brush it of as "u must have done some thing...." ...I've seen that most narcs r not aware of their narc behavior, to them it seems normal & that some thing is wrong with the empath..

[@roxannaramirez929]

Bully. Exactly. As a visual explanation, " He pushes me face down in a mud puddle, takes all my stuff, then walks across my back to avoid the puddle".

[@annemccarron2281]

I agree. Most people think it's just about an inflated ego or selfishness. They don't know anything about the bullying.

[@elizabethpascal3543]

Dr. Carter, when I was a little girl I couldn’t wait to grow up my Mother never showed me real love she was always putting me down , when other people love me or like me she gets jealous she never showed me real happiness when Good things happened to me she never told me anything about my Father except for negativity but I forgave him for not being there for me and I’ve been told so much plus things that I already knew . Bless you Dr. Carter I love you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks Elizabeth. Love received, with gratitude. Dr. C

[@chrisa1481]

I’m the first born or a NPD mom and was always told that I exist just to be her friend/supporter/etc. That the reason she gave me life is because she “needed” me. Heavy, heavy burden and darn near sacrificed my whole like trying to fill the black hole of misery. I still struggle with feeling “bad” because I imagine that there was childhood neglect that made her that way so it’s “not her fault”. It’s a helluva thing to be the parent emotionally to your mom since you were 3 and finally learn how to not feel guilty about being happy as a 40-something... better late than never!

[@suzanne4396]

Yes! He was forced by his athlete father to pursue athletics and excel at them. And his father was a tough judge. When he failed, and was unable to be a star athlete -- due to injury --- the shame and guilt he felt accompanied him his entire life. How sad for him ...but I no longer have to be a part of it.

[@nenegh51]

The best side effect of these two years of restricted life has been to have ‘permission’ to stay away from a narcissist 100 year old mother and allow my body to recover from absolute exhaustion caused by being exposed to this unknown dynamic. Your podcasts have been the greatest aid to name, accept and develop strategies and answers to disengage from false connections and romanticized relations with all beings around and not even have to consider the path of ‘revenge’ or retaliation. My gratitude to you forever from Santiago Chile 🇨🇱. 🤗🌺

[@foster3316]

"They have to do it from the inside out". No one changes unless they want to do it.

[@dawnzimmermann2958]

I got cptsd from my mother who is a narcissist. Its led to me stopping contact. Im 56. Its been a crazy life but I think finally I'm in control of the situation.Truly I never knew what a narcissist is. Its taken years to figure it out with so much family drama and pain. Now I finally see the light. I saw it so clearly two weeks ago and took immediate action. My family is a broken mess because ofca lifetime of this. 😢

[@nostratosphere]

I am moving towards healthy. Connected to a therapist or two and getting my life back on track. Going to be a long but persistent way. I am not playing the unhealthy game anymore nor will i get caught in needless discussions. Keeping myself and my mind in focus and who I want to be. Thanks alot for all these informative video's they changed the way I see things and helping to get better and wiser. Thanks !

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep up the good effort! Dr. C

[@nostratosphere]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you!

[@MysteryGrey]

I had inconsistent nurturing, passive aggression, blame, shame and manipulations thrown on me, as the scapegoat and the youngest, from birth. I was always in love with the idea of love with no idea that I didn't have any. It's a wonder that I'm not a narcissist. I have always been in the path of one and been manipulated a lot and still have no idea how to manipulate. I thank God! I am doing okay for all the crap I went through. It could have been worse, I'm grateful for that, too! I love you Dr. Carter! I'm grateful to love and be sincere! One of my sister's is a narcissist. I remember the day she was humiliated in front of all eight of us and she lost her soul, she was just 7 years old. We are all still saddened by the memory and see she's still damaged from that event.

[@carolnahigian9518]

One sibling DESTROYS whatever they touch. They enjoy hurting, tricking me-abusing me FINANCIALLY and no clue why people no longer visit him.

[@bonnietinker7689]

Thank you! I am very committed to my own personal growth. The narcissist in my life is my 40 year old son. He is punishing my husband and myself by keeping our 5 grandchildren from us. So far we have been able to see the grandchildren at school sporting events. I will not give in to his control over me, but I'm so sad for him being this way. He has a tremendous amount to be grateful for in life, but chooses to be angry and miserable. I'll keep listening and trying to learn. Thank you, again.

[@brittanym.4557]

"Knowledge is power" I've been finding that to be so true! It helps me understand that I AM NOT GOING CRAZY, I can set boundaries, I do not have to look at life cryptically, I am not "the problem", I do not have to be perfect or at least look perfect all the time, and that my marriage can be healthy and happy. My mother has very strong narcissistic tendencies. It took moving away from home and getting married to open my eyes to all the lies, guilt, and shame that are not mine to carry. I was never allowed to stand on my own two feet. I was raised to be her emotional support. "Knowledge" comes with a price. A price I'm willing to pay.

[@davidoaikhena4380]

You are not crazy 🤣😂🤣 Don’t let them put it in you! That’s their mantra to discredit you to family and friends! They are the ones that are CRAZY, I say to their faces eyeball to eyeball 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

[@mmccormicktomlinson5031]

I broke away from a narcissist several yeas ago .... I never stopped caring for her but will have nothing to do with her now.

[@jamesarmstrong4179]

M McCormick Tomlinson,You deserve better

[@John-sk8cm]

Boy would I love to be a fly on the wall during your discussions with your brother!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

We talk shop a lot! Dr. C

[@marthaokelley9360]

Dr. Carter, this teaching is very powerful. Thank you for your EXCEPTIONAL gift. There's nothing harder than understanding narcissism WHEN YOU ARE THE VICTIM. (me, 64) 💕

[@angelamwatts]

The hardest part for me in understanding the narcissists in my life was acceptance. It came to the point where logic, reason and common sense didn't reasonate with these people. So, I just stepped aside went down path of healthy and let them walk down path of blow themselves up. Bye!

[@ceecee6378]

I’m a twin also. Fraternal. She is a scary narcissist. So is my father. He’s left a wake of casualties behind between his two marriages. Only one out of 5 children (his eldest) is still married! I (youngest) came next at 30 years (married a covert narcissist). He discarded me and our youngest teen when he “thought” I was going to leave him, after setting some boundaries with him and our teens. I asked why he hit that nuclear bomb button on our marriage and family. He ran away from me-literally like a child, locked himself in his truck and started playing candy crush to pacify himself. I found out later about the debt he’d accumulated (almost lost the house that we suddenly had to sell) and financial abuse.

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

my ex-husband ran up $10,000 when we were young and I was stupid and got a home equity line to pay it off, wished I had made him work 2 jobs. We divorced 30 years ago and he left his wife that he left me for penniless, oh my that could have been me, so glad he left. He said I probably missed him like a bad toothache and he was right!

[@sheilajac]

I wonder if there's a correlation between narcissism and playing candy crush?! My mom plays that stupid game all the time. It's her only hobby. She has a $2000 macbook and that's really all she uses it for.

[@Froggability]

Sheila Ja. Ha! Funny I know someone else who played it like 8 years solid, (has it existed that long) refusing to help out in the house instead barking orders

[@jmg1972]

She McGee Narcissism and addiction are a 2-for-1 special.

[@Flyhunter241]

My sister is a narcissist, she was always that way since we were little. She's definitely gotten worse as we got older. Yes some are made that way by bad parenting, but my sister was always like that. Me and my parents have done our best to deal with her over the years. Still an on going problem.

[@musicalmarion]

How does she describe you?

[@musicalmarion]

@Daisy Torres You sound angry

[@I_Ace]

Can you describe her? Im scared my little step sister is. She has been off since she was 13 and her behaviours are getting more manipulative

[@funnyhunny3407]

My Sister and I are only a year apart but completely different and we grew up in the same household. She never let our Mother hold or hug her. I remember her pushing my Mom away at the age of 4. Till today she tells everyone around her what to do, how to act, what to say and not say. Her hugs are the worst. She acts like it's a nuisance to give a hug. She had to be born with this.

[@LuvBritTV]

My son was like that, pushed me away when I tried to hold him in a gentle cuddle always... like he couldn't take the affection!? He began lying about everything and nothing from about age 4. I noted a couple of other comments that specified the age of 4 when things became noticed. I think it's mostly in the DNA, and maybe some events in childhood add to it or hard-wire it. I noticed how he was all his life, very difficult to deal with, no empathy, not honest at all. Now he's middle aged and it just hit me that he's a covert narcissist. Painful to see the truth

[@funnyhunny3407]

@@LuvBritTV My sister lied a lot at an early age. She would borrow money from my Mom's friend and buy herself things and she was 6 years old. She would lie and say my Mom asked her to borrow money. She always got what she wanted. Continuously plotting. The saddest part is walking away from them when you don't believe it's there fault for being this way.

[@LuvBritTV]

@@funnyhunny3407 So sad Sonia, it's hard for you I'm sure. My son stole money out of my wallet and I was a single mom getting zero support! He was buying candy for his little friends at school, and a teacher called me to tell me, I had no idea! I just was just thinking I must've spent it on something and forgot. Then when he was a teen he took the last 20 dollar bill I had in my wallet and THAT I noticed! Plus he got an allowance, and had a part time job! He was an awful teen, I can't begin to tell you, I thought he'd changed as he got older but he had gone covert. I kept living in hope things were getting better with every small thing he did that was 'helpful or kind', took years for me to figure out the truth. Now I see it was intermittent reinforcement to keep me on side in case I might come in handy! Sick! I'm devastated now, but thank you God for showing me the truth. Some of it was because I was a single mother, and had to work, and there was no family support. But I can't blame myself too much, I had no choice. I'm sure it's DNA related, my mother was a narc/alcoholic, and his father was likely a narc now I look back. Now I'm a senior, alone, and just so sad as we're not talking. I am trusting in the Universe to guide me out of this heartache. Peace to you Sonia, hope your life is good. ♥ p.s. editing this to add that I wish Dr. C would do a video on parents that have overt or covert narc kids like me, and how to deal with it. We are not all bad people that raised these kids to be this way! Have some pity and do a video to help us deal with it when we can't just 'walk away' from the problem.

[@funnyhunny3407]

@@LuvBritTV Be strong. You have to support yourself in retirement and you can't allow his energy to come back and exhaust you. Hoping you find happiness in healthy friendships and hobbies. I'm able to distance myself from her and that helps. I wish my Sister well. I hope your son is okay. We have to take care of ourselves!

[@LuvBritTV]

@@funnyhunny3407 Amen! Thank you, God Bless Sonia. ♥

[@stenders1987]

I would like to say something as a narcissist. I find this content very true and its really hard to hear this kind of stuff about myself as I know its true and I learn how harmful and toxic I am for the people arround me. I totaly agree with the idea of protecting other people from narcissists. But I would also like to say that there is a way to cure or minimalize personality disorders. I'm attending the therapy for almost three years now. I cannot stress enough how bad I feel about myself knowing what have i done to people and I dont want to be this kind of person. I would never choose this kind of life if I had a choice - I'm just unable to do better. The therapy is the only way for me to learn new ways of thinking, understand people and relationships but it is very long and hard process and even with the best intentions I still act in narcisstic way. And the only thing I can do about it is to try to change and attend the therapy. And I don't want to justfy myself - I just wolud like to say that there is a way to help the narcissist and there is a hope if the narcissist agree to start the therapy.

[@offensivediscourse8514]

What narcissistic behaviours did you have?

[@junevang352]

I don't think you're a level 100 narcissist. Level 100 narcissist will NEVER go to therapy. They refuse it, and deny they ever need it. They paint the other person to be the crazy psycho one and forces that person to seek therapy. If you can make those changes... you are still human. The narcissist that I know has absolutely no sympathy for anyone except himself. The only time he does something for someone is to gain something in return such as making him look innocent. I can write a whole book about this perso. It's very sad and unfortunate... all I want to do is be free from this thing.

[@captainbarbosa6567]

Very good that you have chosen to learn to become a better human being. Yes, there's a cure and it's called taking accountability. Others have to relearn hard things as adults too and it can take years in therapy etc to become somewhat healthy balanceed individual. We non- narcissists take our responsibility and seek help and the narcissists need to do the same.

[@joannajohnson696]

Thank you Dr. Carter for teaching me about the Narc. & having the resolve to go in a better direction...."Team Healthy."

[@gregorymilanovich4384]

I was married to such a person. Before our marriage I naively believed her family environmental circumstances created her "problems," and that after our marriage the problem would naturally be eliminated. Unfortunately, I was an idiot to believe this notion! The simple truth is that a person of this type cannot evolve because they will not ever-ever believe they are not absolutely perfect. The only resolve is to distance yourself from this person no matter how empathetic/altruistic you may be, you cannot help the one that you love!

[@janicetansooling9533]

Never let a narcissist walk all over u..snap back n walk away telling them u know your worth n they are not worth it..it works cause they always think they are superior n u can't survive without them.. don't cross my border cause in one second u can be my nobody...not worthy of anything in my life..they will keep their mouth shut cause they won't win anymore..self worth is important here...learn to walk away when there is no use talking to them..

[@shellyreed2373]

Married to an overt narc who was raised by a covert narc.I am a co dependent who was raised by a covert narc.Your videos have changed...my ...life!

[@jamesarmstrong4179]

Shelly Reed,You are beautiful,hope you are not with a narcissist.....

[@ameliashostak4764]

I LOVE how black and white this is! Dr C does not mix words, he just tells it like it is and if you don't like it well maybe find another channel because he is NOT gonna sugar coat this topic! LOVE IT!!

[@abyssdrifter2720]

There may be a genetic predisposition, but in the end social and cultural factors are what triggers their development. For example I noticed that narcissists are often raised by aggressive and violent fathers. I got a covert narcissist for father and an overt one for brother, I hope that soon I'll finally be able to go live somewhere else, far from them.

[@abyssdrifter2720]

@@judyscheiber3661 Alright, so what could cause them to become the abusers they are?

[@christar9527]

JLS Life coaches often don’t know what they’re talking about. Sorry.

[@TheVintageBumbleBee]

@@judyscheiber3661 not sure a "life coach" has much room to give a "professional opinion" since anyone can achieve a "life coach" certificate in six months online. A Narc is hard for the professional community to peg. There are theories all over the spectrum. You spending 50 yrs with your Narc is just that, "your Narc" . They are all different, but yet the same. Kind of like the autism spectrum. And with being a "life coach" I find it rude of you to speak to @Abyssal in that manner, "flawed theory you have there" . Everyone is looking and searching for answers, help, guidance, and support.... not a "flawed snappy opinion".

[@TheVintageBumbleBee]

I agree with you for our Narc. We believe social and cultural factors played a huge roll and it started in college.

[@fantaclaus7053]

Abyssal ....I know my Canadian girl friend was tormented by her mother. She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

[@christinemurphy4367]

My Mom is most definitely a serious, probably malignant narcissist. I believe the root of hers is fear, extreme fear about so many things, most imagined, AND extremely low self worth and value. She makes me furious daily, but I still feel so sorry for her in spite of it all. She is 77 and I don't think she has a clue how to change. She only knows how to somehow survive.

[@brianhornsby4627]

An even keel around a true narcissist is like a blank canvas to Picasso. Chaos will always insue. It is an absolute.

[@alaskanactressp30]

Dr. Carter 🌹, my favorite Telling it like it is on Narcissism guy. Been away for a while. I am a mission essential worker on our military Base JBER AK . Many blessings to you are your family 💐. Be safe and sound out there. Praying this Conronavirus madness ends Soon 🤪😩😫😖. Your videos are so informative inspirational too. Stay safe 🌹Kudos from Alaska.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Get back on board here!! Dr. C

[@rhonnabrown4153]

Unfortunately this past year I've just begun to educate myself on Narcissism, for I have been married to one for 14 years and yes it had impacted me greatly, until I finally was forced to smarten up after a nervous breakdown 3 years ago. The breakdown not only woke me up to what I was married to, but I woke up spiritual as well. I'm still trying to figure things out and thankfully, we are building a retirement home in another state, than we currently live and I will moving by myself this coming summer, for he has 2 years left until retirement. I will be using this time to not only heal, but also gain more clarity, on the direction of a healthy happy future. Thank you so much for your video.

[@jamesarmstrong4179]

Rhonna Brown,You are beautiful,I think you deserve better

[@authentickmindset]

My grandparents were extremely competitive and judgmental about their children and grand children. We were not allowed to show emotions, children should be seen and not heard, don't talk back to elder, watch your table manners or else you are excused from dinner. OMG this is huge. Now I know why my parent is narcissistic.

[@venturesintoglory5353]

A friend of mine seemed to never respect any boundaries that I set. Recently, when I thought I had successfully set a boundary, the person sabotaged it completely. It seemed to give that person great satisfaction. I just made an adjustment on the inside and went along with it, but it became very clear to me that it was impossible to set any boundaries with this person. Thank you for sharing your description of a narcissistic personality. It has been very helpful!

[@tasmaniandevil7610]

They grew up being mama's favorite . so they always thought they were gods gift !

[@christar9527]

tas maniandevil Agree!

[@gioovannabp]

Mine used to cry to his mommy..... I thought he had feelings

[@sideswiped6874]

not only did their mommy's let them feel like they were better, their mommy's treated them better than their bothers and sisters. don't get me wrong here, because behind their backs their mommy's complained more about them than the other kids

[@tasmaniandevil7610]

@@sideswiped6874 when i grew up it was not behind our back so to this day its the same . but thats it . we get our own cudos

[@sharongray4074]

I disagree with that statement. My daughter is a narcissist and she was daddy’s little girl, he always put her on a pedestal.She is 36 and he still puts her on a pedestal

[@eaglespackpro9792]

I would like to know, where they get all that rage and hatred from, i mean when this first started showing (after we had two children) i was dumbfounded i saw a person change from normal to wild beast literally in mid-stride. where does that person get the energy for so much rage and hatred.

[@chinookvalley]

Nikos Think of how incredibly beautiful, healthy, and peaceful the world could be if that energy were used for good.

[@shemyazaredeemed2662]

Perhaps being caned monthly by their mother or having their head dribbled against the wall for 3 years or maybe they were put out in a playpen in public alone for 8 hours a day for over 9 months unchanged and unfed shivering in 35 degree highs starting at 2 weeks old like a box of puppies... Heck maybe all 3 and more... He might even have a file at Stanford where they study "The unintended benefits of trauma". I'm curious if the Doctor has access to that research.

[@beccabean5770]

Abuse is the open door for a spirit of hatred to enter.

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

Nikos, this kind of energy you describe is most likely a spiritual one. Read the gospel of *Mark 5:1-4* how demonic forces can enhance physical strength of a person.

[@cheriefrench6956]

Nikos mine ex husband did that mix stride change 3 Mos. After marriage. I asked why? The best answer he could come up with was that he now owned me, we were settled, and he could get back to his life and interests now., making an effort to be engaged wasn't needed anymore. And he wasn't. And so slowly died the marriage, as the narc behaviour increased.

[@G.F.B.T.M]

This comment is "A note to self " ..GREAT VIDEO 40-60 % of personality is "hardwired" pre-birth 1. Inborn disposition 2. Extremes in childhood expectations 3. Trained to overemphasize superficial acceptability 4. Inconsistencies from childhood caregivers (Intermittent reinforcement) (Arbitrary rules) 5. Exposure to improper anger 6. Emotional & relational themes (self regulations) are not openly explored with them by Parents / Caregivers 7. Learned manipulations Two conclusions : 1. When engaging with a narcissist we have a natural inclination to want to help them change but, they have to want to change. You can't superimpose change on them. ⭐ AMEN TO THAT ⭐ 2. Resolve to be the better alternative

[@barbaraabramovitz9987]

I’ve never heard that narcissists are born. I’ve always heard that they are made- by not attaching properly or suffering trauma early on.

[@DannyBoyle-tp5vg]

no

[@janewalton2901]

Same I am much more convinced by this BOTH framework having watched it in 3 and maybe 4 generations of my husbands family. It's so tough living with it. At 75 now I feel like I have been cheated of a decent life BUT I thank God at least one lovely daughter so I actually know what love feels like. ty Dr

[@crystalferguson7308]

It’s both. It runs in the gene pool, and then their parents and life’s traumas adds to it...

[@ladybird491]

They are born, cause often they are born without the chemical that allows you to have empathy and compassion.

[@ladybird491]

@@crystalferguson7308 parents are not always to blame. My parents was a hardcore narc and I am not, and I know cause I had several personality test for the work I do cause they require empathy....etc. every narc was not created by a parent because kids spend quite alot of time outside of the house like 8 hours a day or more. Narc came created by the lack of feeling like they fit into society. Parent do not have control over kids minds, they have free will, so good parents can still have narc kids.

[@petershaw2566]

The hands that moulded the claypot determined its use, shape and strength 🤔

[@henwhisperer]

Our mother used to beat me and look at my brother and say “If you cry I’ll beat her harder.” This might be the start of my brother’s narcissism.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So sad. Dr. C

[@coachmark82]

Finally understanding my father in an objective way, ‘knowledge is power.’

[@millionairemom]

Eureka! Narcissistic daughter got swayed by the "look at me. I'm beautiful (she is) look at my clothes, hair, meals out, new baby, clothes, meals, clothes, more meals... so it was nothing I did that made her like that. She just wants to be adored by her fans on Instagram. And she married into money.... and that's all she wants... it's all clearer now. Thankyou dr les Carter

You have such a gentle and humorous way of identifying people. My goalis to be 'Chairman of the committee team healthy'. I believe my daughter is a born narcissist. At 3 yrs old I felt something was different. Arriving 10 minutes late for pre-k pickup she jumped off her swing, ran towards me (I was thinking this was a hug) and delivered a hard kick in the shins. We were a peaceful family with no outside caretakers. The 1 sitter I hired was hit in the face with the brush she tried to comb her hair with. Teachers warned us to get her tested. When we tried, she'd run out crying before an evaluation was completed. The eruptions continued into middle and high school. If I asked her to help with chores she'd scream STOP IT STOP IT even when I wasn't talking. My neighbor across the street almost called CPS. When she asked if we'd get a Happy Meal I replied "We'll see". And after I passed McDonald's wo stopping, she jumped out of the moving car and ran away. I called the police. Now she's controlling, passive aggressive angry. Her dad was similar but her case is unique. If you've experienced similar mysterious disorders please reply. My guess it's more 80% nature

[@shemyazaredeemed2662]

Disconnect. Look into a Restraining order for Elder Abuse...

[@christar9527]

If her dad was similar then there’s your answer.

[@reneegardner2286]

My son was an extremely difficult child to put it lightly. I saw him throw our new puppy on the hard floor at 1 1/2 years old. He would rage and try to break my belongings at that age too. I left his abusive father when he was 3. When he was 4 1/2 he physically attacked me, and a teacher at his preschool. When he was about 6, or 7 he attacked me again in his schoolyard right in front of everyone. When he was around 12 or 13 he intentionally set a fire outside at our apt building. He bullied his own friends all the time. I brought him to tons of specialists, Dr's, therapists, psychiatrists, psychiatric hospitals, and counselors throughout the years. I got all sorts of different diagnosis but I'm pretty sure he has Antisocial personality disorder. His father definitely has all the traits for it as well. I have B.P.D. So I believe it's something he possibly inherited from having 2 parents with personality disorders. My mother is a covert narcissist, and my biological father was a malignant narcissist. His rages were extremely scary to me as a child. My son's father was similar. My son has calmed down in the past few years but he stopped going to therapy and quit all his medications. He has made threats towards me and his father as recent as last year. I always pray he never seriously hurts himself or anyone else. Some of his early diagnosis were IED, conduct disorder, BiPolar, ADHD, ODD. I'm sure if he saw a therapist now and they looked at his background he would get some cluster b personality disorder. He has a total lack of empathy. Explosive anger. Little to no insight on his own behavior. Very manipulative. Constantly seeking out relationships with new girls. All of them seem to end badly. He could even have Borderline traits. Hard to know for sure since he refuses help. That is common for people who have a cluster b personality disorder. I stopped going to therapy and quit my medication too. I know how to manage my symptoms without the psych meds. I'm currently on Disability for my mental health issues. I binge watch videos about cluster b personality disorders so I can have more insight on the topic and so I can better understand my family members and the men I usually end up dating. Happily single now though. Just trying to survive life like everyone else now. Dr. Sam Valkin, Dr. Ramini on Med Circle,Dr. Daniel Fox, and a couple others have lots of great information on KZbin that you might want to check out.

[@reneegardner2286]

@ Yes. He is my only child. I wouldn't have been able to handle more than raising him. I used to feel so lost, and hopeless many days because when he was about 5 I had some people from his school tell me I should take parenting classes. Looking back now I know they meant well, but when you're dealing with a child that has mental health issues parenting them is extremely challenging especially because my child didn't respond well to anything I tried with him. I had some brain scans done on him and they told me he had issues with his frontal lobe. They said he had "hot spots" around it. They told me it was something called "ring of fire ADHD" which caused him to act out. I had a very stressful pregnancy so sometimes I feel like that caused issues with his brain forming too, plus genetics too. My mother was in an abusive relationship when I was born too. It changes the chemicals being distributed to the womb, and effects the baby. I have seen descriptions of it on Instagram before. I have a lot of guilt about the way my son's childhood was. He told me some things recently that happened to him in his hospitalizations that I never knew, and he brought up the fact that we were poor. It hurts because my own mental health issues I wasn't able to provide him a better lifestyle. When he was growing up I couldn't share with him my own struggles I was going through because I didn't want to worry him, but I know my unstable moods were very hard for him to deal with, and his unstable moods were hard for me to handle as a single mother with no supportive family to help. I didn't find out I had B.P.D. until my son was a teenager. My parents had me hospitalized when I was 19 for a month and the Dr.'s really didn't know exactly what was wrong with me. It's been so long I forgot what the paperwork said but it helped me win my Disability case. I also suffer from agoraphobia and C-PTSD so it was very hard for me raising a child on my own. I'm sure I have other diagnoses too. Mental health issues are so complex, and every single Dr. has a difficult opinion when you see them since it's not an exact science. I am thankful like you said for the internet bringing single parents closer together so we can discuss these issues. I'm sorry for such a long reply it's just nice to talk to another parent who understands my struggles. ❤

[@charlotteboyett-napper4780]

Why do narcissists demand that you believe exactly how they do about religion and spiritual things? And if you don’t then they decide that you are just not compatible...

[@jessicaa.6690]

@Charlotte Boyett, That does seem very common. Plus, some religions breed and/or attract those with narcissistic traits. Religious teachings such as "we are the only true religion" or "we have God's favor, but people of other religions don't" or "only our God is the true God" help breed the narcissism. (We are right and everyone else is wrong, so we are superior.) Some religions encourage that sense of self-righteousness & superiority, either attracting or helping create a narcissist.

[@knarf_on_a_bike]

Because they are always right about everything, and if you don't agree, you're just stupid.

[@hazelgirl5091]

WordstoInspireMe Jen (a KZbin channel) "A toxic Mormon family poem" is a good example of what this can do to the mindset of children who grow up in narcissistic religious environments.. You're better off keeping your distance from those who use religion in an effort to control those around them. It's almost impossible to influence a change in an deeply conditioned mind.

[@chinookvalley]

@@knarf_on_a_bike Hahaha. My pastor un-enrolled me and several other women at my (former) church because we wouldn't prostitute ourselves to the wealthy men at the church who were lonely. Glad to be out the cult and will never look back. Churches are the furthest thing from spirituality.

[@charlotteboyett-napper4780]

chinookvalley those “churches” should be called out!!

[@adrienne-w3q]

My narc husband's mother chained and padlocked their refrigerator when he was a child. Food was a tool of control in that evil household. He's always shoving food in my face so I remember I need him so I don't go hungry.

[@suzanne4396]

He would often respond to my queries of " how can you be so mean/ so cruel/ so cold?" with " That's just great way I am.". One time after I told him that his constant need to be in control and belittle me was not normal, he replied "I'm not normal." So, he knows. He knows. !!!

[@rowdygirl726]

Thank you Dr C for all your help. I'm struggling with ending a bad relationship and I can't afford therapy. Your videos are a big help.

[@ndumi-light]

Sending you love and light.💙💛💚

[@asseyez-vous6492]

I truly believe that narcs were brought up as very spoilt little children whee parents never established rules and boundaries. Why do I believe this? Cos I was abused to the point of trauma by a borderline mother, an overt narc father and overt narc younger sister. The abuse I suffered didn’t make me a narc but an empath. I think the abuse card is played far too often for why people do bad things. “Oh I was abused when I was a kid, that’s why I do bad things!” I am very sceptical about that, it’s the feel sorry for me card! I’m in my early 50’s btw.

[@TheVintageBumbleBee]

Wouldn't be how our son was raised at all....a simple loving family of four, on a farm with animals and dirt bikes, the clothelines full, fresh eggs, fresh garden supply...camping, sleepovers, a really simple kinda life and he used to speak of it...until...He doesn't.

[@christar9527]

Yes, they were overly indulged by their parents. My mother is a good example.

[@tiffanyhoward9935]

Asseyez-vous Not always. The narc in my life was raised by parents who never approved of anyone. No behavior was ever good enough. If you made all A’s they would find something else wrong. They modeled that behavior and their children adapted the same behavior.

[@JG-cj6pc]

This is exactly how the covert narc I was with became a narc. His covert narc mother taught him he could do no wrong. No rules, limits or boundaries. Over praise to the point he became addicted and expected constant praise and validation from anyone around him. Anything else was intolerable to him and resulted in some form of abuse. He was her golden child. Their relationship was overly close to the point of emotional incest. This type of parenting IS abusive.

[@erinaktas3787]

Narc/empath parents- I feel borderline...the empath is fighting to resist the narc🥸 is denying the empth...good days and bad days. Trying to cope, thank God for my husband and children 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧 my entire world 🌎 ❤

[@apextraining3939]

Aww look at the dog resting so peacefully ❤️

[@jcrants4949]

This is such a wonderful video because it gives a why to the question of the personality. It gives something besides a NEGATIVE connotation which the label has anyway. There has to be good in these individuals or else why do so many people fall in love with them (and then get hurt.) This kind of information HELPS people seek out therapy when they might need it.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad that's how you perceived it...as it was intended. Dr. C

[@shewho333]

I have twins. More on that after this first bit.... My mom and her sister: My mom was abandoned at 8 months old after her mothers suicide and her elderly gold miner father who couldn’t raise a girl baby by himself in 1937. Her sister was legally adopted on her day of birth from a local tribe 8 years later. They were both raised in the same home, both were abused, sent off to work the fields as children, expected to fend for themselves, and totally unrelated biologically. Both became adults who were thieves, hated their own children and grandchildren, selfish, untrustworthy, sometimes completely detached from reality, totally devoid of empathy, controlling, and generally unpleasant to be around. My “aunt” kidnapped my mother at 76, when my mother got dementia, took everything my mother owned and loved, (about 500 thousand worth of property and jewelry), isolated her from all her financial/emotional supply and control (me) and it essentially killed her. Mom created the scenario for her own death by being so greedy and selfish. Her “sister” took full advantage, and is still stalking me to this day because I won against her in court. She even created a mini-her narcissist out of her stepson who is more dangerous and also stalking my family. He had his own childhood trauma that set him up for this... I do lean heavily towards environment with how these people turn out because of all this. Now.... I have twins who both had a traumatic birth and first three months. One as a baby was a pretty mellow and laid back baby. The other...omg, was so very sensitive to everything. Even if I stood too close, her heart monitor would start alarming and a few times she stopped breathing! As she got older, the sensitivity to things stayed. At about 4 years, I started reacting to her in the same ways that I reacted to my mother. I was afraid to make her upset. I was afraid of my own child, and that was UH-OH! We had a huge problem! So we got her into therapy. She had a bunch of diagnosis...ODD, SPD, OCD, and some attachment disorder, probably from being too sick to be held for the first three months. But her twin has none of these same issues under the same birth circumstances. So there’s your nature/biological argument...my more stressed out daughter was genetically predisposed to have these troubles. I have NO doubt that if I had not recognized my mother in my tiny daughter and got her into tons of therapy, we would be well on the way to raising a full blown copy of my narcissistic mom. We still have to remind her sometimes to think about others, and take responsibility for her own actions and outcomes, but once she calms down, we know she has a conscience and she wants to do the right things, it’s just harder for her to access and she still needs our help. So there’s your nurture. 🙂 I’m incredibly grateful to have had this daughter, because in consciously working to prevent a recurrence of my mother’s spiritual sickness, I have finally learned to say NO and mean it, and have healed some bit of my ancestral pain. Breaking the cycle!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, break that cycle. Thanks for sharing. Dr. C

[@Nyctophora]

You worked and work so hard saving that baby. Thank you.

[@nehasharma-dy7ml]

Thank you for that... #breakingthecycle

[@karynegough7564]

I am so glad a professional has finally said that there is a natural predisposition to narcissism. I believe they are un-evolved on their soul journey. A lot of us have had a bad upbringing but would never allow ourselves to sink so low as to make a decision to be severely narcissistic. Love seeing Gus so comfy.

[@judysangregorio2787]

Wow! This video hits the nail on the head! Let me begin by saying “Blaming” should never be confused with “Examining past history”.....but it is crucial that all points of view be examined when trying to heal ANYTHING in our lives. I think it makes most people so uncomfortable to be introspective. Sadly, our society does NOT lend itself to making this easy....therefore, the Narcissism is left to run rampant. Gus, you are the best assistant a Dr could have! Thank you for another great video!

[@torycook1215]

An upbringing of neglect or indulgence - both extremes can cause narcissism.

[@ilovejesus2290]

I can tell that narcissists bore Gus.... He’s definitely not stressing about them! I love him.... ❤️🐶

[@bestywiggins1843]

HaHa! He’s showing us the best way to handle the jerks.

[@ARedMagicMarker]

I've been saying this for years: Careful who you breed with. Bad blood is real, and bad blood has the potential to be hereditary. Don't only pay attention to your SO hopeful, keep an eye on their family members too. All of us have family members who are playing with half a deck, but are they ALL completely bonkers? You're gonna be married/blood connected into that, just sayin'.

[@margomazzeo1680]

Correct..

[@NastaseMonica]

Ask his birthtime do his astrological chart! You dont even have to meet!

[@SuperGuanine]

Dr. Carter.... I appreciate your videos. And I just LOVE seeing your pup relaxing on the comfortable chair.

[@cherrybacon3319]

I think I'm not the only person who has ever thought why a Narcissist is the way they are. We could analyse them and try to figure them out but I think He'll would freeze over first. At the end of the day it comes to a point in the relationship where the Victim realises they can't take much more and leave, nomatrer how hard it is. But then the real work starts. Staying away is harder. They say Rome wasn't built in a day. We can, and will recover as long as we want it bad enough, and with help if we can. One step at a time. 🍒