7 Options When You Can't Go "No Contact" With A Narcissist

[@jessicabradshaw3365]

1. Stop wishing for a better relationship 2. Stay functional and stay brief 3. Unhook emotionally (don’t let them get to you) 4. Make sure you monitor your anger (narcs love your reaction) 5. Drop your instinct to defend yourself 6. Refrain from any and ALL personal sharing 7. Grey rock 8. Spend as much time as possible with people that help you feel good

[@TallulahBelle3276]

Great advice. 👍🏼✨🌞

[@stevetrivago]

Wow! Very Powerful.... I keep telling myself to stop watching these videos, yet every time I do I become less doubtful she isn’t a narcissist.. Very disappointed and feel fooled.. I’m done reacting... I’m done with chances... it’s self sabotage although she claims I sabotaged it... At this point I have nothing else to say to her... It’s the ole talking to a wall deal unless I’m sharing something she can use against me later... Amazing but Brutal experience... Ty for your comment ... This doctor is a godsend

[@annapinkypinky2589]

My dad and brother are both narc

[@annapinkypinky2589]

My dad and brother both narc and they the only family I got that live in my state

[@obscurum6]

7. from Dr. C also included not trying to figure out their actions.

[@lieutenantpito6992]

Dr. C is the granddad we never asked for but look up to

[@ambers.7407]

He is the Dad I never had LOL. Jp. But fr.🤣🤣🤣💕💕💕

[@mdee860]

@@ambers.7407 - me too! So much kindness & wisdom wrapped up in one soul! We're lucky that he is so generous to do these videos, helping so many of us. I am forever grateful I stumbled onto his site. Before that fateful night, I only was aware of Overt types of Narcassists. 🤯🤯🤔

[@jungly8103]

@lieutenant Did you all ask for your other grandfathers? Lol no fair mine were pre assigned and one of them turned out to already have passed away by the time I was born!

[@EmpoweredLivingwithLori]

Yep. The dad I never had.

[@mdee860]

@@EmpoweredLivingwithLori - same here. Well, we found him now! 😊😊😊

[@AgendaInMind]

There is no such thing as normal conversation with abnormal people.

[@christinacutlass1694]

Brilliant!👏

[@momikal2238]

Oh, that’s a good one! I’m writing this bit of wisdom in my journal. Thank you so much for sharing this bit of pure gold. These kinds of quotes can be like salve in our painful wounds from these horrid people. ❤️

[@lynnfincham6839]

Well put

[@cbholmes4739]

Thank you, I wrote it my journal too. And I think it also includes texting.

[@hlanton1232]

no, but oh how they can play your surroundings

[@EyeToTheSkyPerth]

When no contact isn’t an option ... you need to become emotionally unattached as soon as possible and unfortunately accept the fact that life is not going to be great until you are able to go no contact. I knew no contact wasn’t an option with my ex narc ... but every day I made small mental plans looking to the future until it eventually became a reality. Doors open when you start looking in the right direction.. even if it’s way down the track

[@mgb7140]

Yes. The least investiture you can make. Maybe you can't get out today, but a day closer to when you can. So you need to be planning for that.

[@zhippidydoodah]

It's really hard when it's your sister. :(

[@katydid594]

Or a parent

[@Gigi-nv5ev]

Many thanks! Sometimes pensions, insurance , etc must be considered also. That’s just the reality of life building.

[@EyeToTheSkyPerth]

@@Gigi-nv5ev Absolutely! - the implications of a long term committed relationship with a narcissist are huge and the financial impact cannot be overlooked, I totally agree! Very valid point!

[@liljerseygirl249]

You feel like you cant do anything right with these people, and you never know when they will just start raging. It's walking on eggshells, and a horrible way to have to live.

[@SphereOfStreaming]

Yes. Perfect explanation- it really is like walking on eggshells. Trying to preserve my dignity whilst keeping a narc at bay is a crazy limbo

[@mysticat7652]

"Leave the personal sharing for those who know what to do with it." Perfect Dr. Carter! Thank you 🤣

[@mgb7140]

The black and white thinking of some survivors is also infuriating. "Just leave!" Sometimes "just leave!" isn't possible. Thank you for pointing that out. Because I cannot leave (at least yet), I try to just be pleasant, avoid depth, and view this as an unpleasant roommate to put up with as politely as possible. It really does have a positive effect on that superficial level and I try to live as separate a life as possible.

[@amandaroberts5111]

Well done you, you will get out, till then stay strong!

[@mandolaa4855]

Especially, these times with corona, for some people leaving is not the option yet

[@lynnfincham6839]

So difficult for you, hope you find your happy place soon x

[@ambers.7407]

Yes!!! I was discarded last year at the beginning of covid. Having one hell of a time trying to move out on my own. I feel for you. Im almost there tho! Goodluck!!

[@christineecheverri4194]

I have found just staying respectful and considerate helps keep things going more smoothly when leaving isn't an option.

[@mariaawake4502]

If you are seen as only a functional entity by the narcissist, it is only logical (and healthy) that you start interact with the narcissist on a detached level as well.

[@occallie]

Gray rock.

[@1GR8LMFT]

YESSSSS!

[@christineecheverri4194]

It's hard to accept that it isn't really a relationship, but rather, an "arrangement". I see it, though, and it is painful.

[@michelleheald9108]

@Christine Echeverri that is so hard to accept and very painful. I’m just at the point of realizing and trying to accept that. It’s hard to accept 18 years of your life was a lie. I know it has all been a lie but dang that’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced.

[@violetgypsie]

Just stay friendly and not-invested emotionally. Like a transaction at the grocery store. They treat you as a transaction. So do the same. The best advice was Dr Carter’s tip number 1 in this video. Peace to you all. 🙏🏽

[@margaretmojica8190]

I am still venting the deep hatred toward my son for the way he has treated me emotionally since he was 17 years old. I wrote him out of my will four years ago, but my husband said "Give him a chance, he will change". This is four years later, he just turned 29, he has been just as dreadful. I wrote him out of my will again and gave specific instructions that he is to be excluded from my funeral, (if he shows up to keep up appearances. I do not need crocodile tears at my funeral. I have a younger son who honors his father and mother and carries us in his heart.

[@beckypeterson6771]

So true, in fact I think God tried to show me a while back how this tactic could really work for me. I work as a waitress and it just seemed like there was this one week where I was really getting a lot of extremely rude customers. It really seemed like they were being overly rude almost trying to get a rise out of me Because I know plenty of waitresses get fed up and start acting kind of passive aggressive towards the customer, and they seemed genuinely surprised when I didn't let it happen. I just kept smiling and killed them with kindness and did everything they asked, and by the end of their meal they were complimenting my service and leaving me great tips. I really took that as a lesson on how to deal with the marks in my life, kill them with kindness let their rudeness bounce off of you like your rubber and They really can't hurt you. Let them get to you and they have one.

[@violetgypsie]

@@beckypeterson6771 Good advice. Waitressing is a tough job. Wishing you peace and joy in your life.

[@michaeljames955]

no wonder my dysfunctional spouse said it was ok for me to use her too when I told her it was game over

[@Golden.Silver.Conquistador]

@@michaeljames955 damn, for real? Like sex? Cuz I just said the same like q mknth ago, and i felt like she used me mostly for nightly sex. Just odd in some ways for me.

[@emartinezr]

In summary.... indiference. Sort out your feelings, detach from what you thought was a relationship. 👍

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes. Dr. C

[@mandolaa4855]

👏👏

[@lynnfincham6839]

Absolutely

[@RJelly-fi6hd]

The narcissist hates indifference the most, but when they can't get to you anymore, they seek another. Unfortunately!

[@michelleheald9108]

Gosh I’m just trying to get over the fact he has probably never cared about me. That is a difficult thing to get over. It’s kind of a shock learning 18 years of your life was a lie, it was a wasted 18 years. That makes me angry.

[@karenm.2185]

I have been married to a narcissist for 38 years. I do what I want. He tried to control me but he knows he can't. I am a free spirit. He has tantrums and I don't care. I am doing me because when all is said and done, I love myself enough to live my life regardless of what he says or thinks!

[@jennyanderson4796]

This is beautiful

[@danielomorain7134]

Well done! ‘I don’t care’ is really good armor! My first therapy for life was at ALANON meetings, and one of the vets in the program said her husband used to get so drunk that he would fall on the floor and not be able to get up: she would just walk around him and not change anything! Woo, hoo!!!

[@rebeccaliew2247]

Some of these are applicable to narcissists' flying monkeys too. The friends/family members/strangers who will side with the narcissist & attacks us on the narcissist's behalf. The bad part is, we used to have good relations with them before the narcissists mess their heads up with so much lies against us. Not only do we have to grief that our narcissist was a farce all the while & feel our stupidity for falling in love with a potential. In relations to the flying monkeys, we also have to grieve either one or both things: 1. Our narcissists has destroyed our once-good relations with the good people turned flying monkeys now; 2. The flying monekys who blindly believed the narcissists' lies without checking on us to get the bigger, fair part of the truth = makes you sad that your "close" connections with that person wasn't actually good as we have thought.

[@eastlynburkholder3559]

Lived through that.

[@eastlynburkholder3559]

@@marinvidovic763 I learned to say my fictional character and the stories told about me are more interesting than my more boring real life. Yes living it. My family allowed and condoned verbal abuse and emotional abuse and even a younger relatuve trying to run over me with a lawn mower. I was the problem (not really) and it never happened, so they said and if only others saying it never happened meant you do not have to deal,with the things done that they never happened, then all would be good.

[@eastlynburkholder3559]

@@marinvidovic763 Or as I say it thise short do not understand values. " Uhh I FEEL nauseous and tired and I might feel perkier and mentally sharper tomorrow. And I will give you time tomorrow for this. Since the topic of discussion is not important but hassling md is the important part, since hassling md is nit having the desired effect (a fake yawn woukd be overdoing it.) they just leave znd the supposedly important thry cloned topic disappears.

[@juinxxviii624]

Remove those people from your life.

[@houseplantnerd2872]

I recently had a facebook confrontation with my narcissist's sibling, my aunt. I have tried to state my side in places where the monkeys can't make up my history for me. When I presented all the reasons, 45 years of reasons as to why I have gone zero contact, my aunt jumped right to the defense of my narcissist. As I fully expected. Because I've been researching Narcissistic parents so much, I really had an idea of how the conversation was going to go. She called me a liar. The thing that kills me is; I was not in any way a normal kid. After having my own children I realized something was terribly off, terribly off. I should have presented red flags to other parents, my extended family, aunt included, teachers...anyone? Granted no one knew me well but I was a troubled little kid. Then to call me a liar? Just proves they really don't know me at all. This is why I hold to the tenant; I get to choose my family. For me family includes pets.

[@eyotachenoa3132]

Don't bother with personal sharing. Your adding things to their bag of info. They really don't care.

[@transitionsnc]

@Eyota Chenoa - Agree with what you say. They may even actively try to have you fail or destroy you with any info they have.

[@Justme410]

This is my mother. I was speaking with her about a serious health condition and she completely changed the subject to her going to the store! Hurtful but a good lesson on not expecting anything from her.

[@transitionsnc]

@@Justme410 So sorry you had that experience. For what it's worth, I can relate.

[@babym7484]

1. Stop wishing for a better relationship (it will not improve) 2. Stay functional (do not extend yourself needlessly) 3. Unhook emotionally (detach) 4. Monitor your reactions (you can be assertive without anger/bitterness) 5. Drop your need to defend yourself 6. Refrain from any and all personal sharing (maintain a functional relationship) 7. Stop trying to interpret the narcissist's behaviour

[@dawnbailey1132]

Sometimes the truth really does hurt. Function vs. Relationship. Ouch.

[@chelleb3055]

Thank you, Dr. C. Many of us are unable to go no contact. We NEED to know what to do to manage our relationships with these people and it's not helpful to be told to just walk away. Or RUN! NEVER LOOK BACK!! Yeah, that's not always possible. God bless you for being so level headed and for looking out for us. You're the best.

[@noracharles9366]

Great share ✡

[@sahdogwrangler5594]

Right?! So very not helpful!! It almost seems as though that statement itself is an insult, like you're some kind of idiot because you are still there & haven't left!! If I could have, I would have & I wouldn't need you to tell me so!!!

[@DJH97]

Didn’t think it was possible for me either. After 30 years of it I had to get out for my sanity. They get worse with age. I am 60 years old and wasted half my life thinking I was the problem. You can find a way. It took me about 3-4 years of saving and planning but I did it. Bought a small home in Dec and moved fully in Feb after he kept secret my oldest son being in bad mental shape and dying in another state. Had he told me about my son I may have been able to intervene and get him help. My husband did nothing. Keeping secrets about our kids was a power trip for him. It may have cost my oldest son his life. There was no way I could even look at my husband after that. Get out. Start planning. Pray. Ignore them until you can make it happen.

[@nigelsenchez]

Great tips. Too bad I had to figure this out by trial and error. Stay strong everyone, don’t cave in. You are all stronger than the narcs. The are weak minded people. They are blind and lost. And probably will never find the way to a happy life. You are strong and have vision, stay on course, don’t get discouraged, stand up, be courageous. Be good in the face of evil. This too shall pass.

[@kishstark7938]

Thanks, I needed that encouragement

[@astrialindah2773]

Big hugs and kisses to you!!😘

[@rg-mi5hh]

Get away from them asap.

[@lepistia]

I dont know how its going to pass…If i just tried to go NC they would track me down anyway

[@nigelsenchez]

@@lepistia Every situation is different so its really difficult to know what to do. I believe it will pass if you have a good plan and focus. Nothing is forever. Be determined, never give up, never surrender. Have a goal... Are you sure they will track you? Maybe they will just give up if you go far enough.

[@alanwood5857]

Unhook emotionally as they have nothing to give back, they don't get love. Share nothing personal or even tell about something that you know about, I find if they don't know about the subject matter, I get challenged to prove it and get gaslighted.

[@tobydulanski9480]

Always remember you can’t reason with unreasonable people. Gray Rock there’s no reason to waste your time on these people. Remember whom you want to be, not what they want you to be for their personal gain. Life is too short. Thank you Dr. Carter. 👍🙏

[@anesasosevic2813]

Dr. L. Carter, thanks for today's precious advises. I have already learned some of them /options/ thanks to You, but I keep to follow all advises You have told us: 1. Stop wishing for a better relationship 2. Stay functional. Period. 3. Unhook emotionally 4. Monitor your anger reactions 5. Drop your instinct to defend 6. Refrain from any and all personal sharing 7. Stop trying to interpret the narcissist's behaviors /this is the most precious for me, because I have constantly interpret and analyse narcissist's behaviors.

[@angelabrown4301]

Life saving information! Thank you so much!

[@anesasosevic2813]

@@angelabrown4301 True!

[@superslyko123]

Knowledge is Power! The application of this knowledge MUST be applied whenever contact is required. It's unfortunate the situation we're put in, but it's our life! We must make the decision to succeed for ourselves.

[@hearttoheartoutreach4962]

Yes all seven are good but if you are not legally bound to the narc, why stay in the so cold transactional relationship when normal people are in loving relationships. Why punish yourself further when the narc punished you for so long?

[@TheQueensWish]

@@hearttoheartoutreach4962 He is saying that ONE SIZE does not fit all. But if you are unmarried with no kids involved then being able to break up easily is a great idea and certainly a lucky escape. Get on down the road. Be happy and chose better and more wisely and cautiously later. But do note that narcissists often happen to people again and again. Be very wary with your heart. Don’t get tricked and fooled by another one.

[@sherricox5626]

My husband is disabled and I take care of our business. I almost called the police yesterday. My grown sons don’t know how serious it is. They can’t hear me.

[@WarriorsMom1]

I know what you mean. It's very difficult, trying your best to explain what you are going through but no one can hear. It's like being in your own, prolonged, Twilight Zone episode. Running a business, taking care of a disabled person and not receiving any of your most basic needs, Im sure, feels impossible. You have to take time out for yourself, even when others attempt to make you feel as if you cant. Take time away from the house and business...even if its just to have your own picnic, in a park. Listen to music, take a walk, read a book, watch an old movie, pray, meditate, just take personal time. Try writing a letter to each of your sons. Taking care of others does not require that you sink into an abyss of darkness and despair. You get to live life, too and you are entitled to peace...disabled spouse, or not.

[@noracharles9366]

Hang on Sherri 🆘️✡

[@d.3243]

I am so sorry for your pain!!! I pray you are able to make time for you to breathe "non-toxic" air and value your own worth even when others will not. Call the police if you have to!!

[@wandah9468]

Hard to reason with a screaming banshee, so I'm usually trying to bail out, ghost, fade away...

[@francesbernard2445]

Narcissism is so cunning, baffling and mysterious. You didn't cause it. You cannot control it.

[@EmpoweredLivingwithLori]

They definitely "misinterpret". Being emotionally disconnected is the worst to my husband. I get called rude, cold and mean.

[@dianehand1396]

It is not working for me. It isn't helping the marriage and I find myself changed to people in general.

[@wendychavez5348]

Try to stay true to yourself, no matter what. If the narc calls you rude or mean, remember that it's only words and that if you don't take care of yourself he won't have you either. Practice makes better!

[@PavanKumar-hr8jx]

@@dianehand1396 you're not alone dear

[@ThangNguyen-kk1wh]

Your rude..cold..mean..is the right boundaries for the devil... I will imitate your RUDE...COLD...MEAN...into perfection !!!

[@TC-gx3qn]

It's amazing isn't it? 😑

[@marcusjones1432]

God bless you, Dr. Carter!! This probably saved my emotional wellbeing. I was literally on the brink. I have never gotten advice on this level. It's 2:44am and all of a sudden I feel this blanket of peace come over me. Thank you so much for this !! I'm almost teary eyed..

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks Marcus. Now....get some sleep. Dr. C

[@youaremyreward8138]

@@SurvivingNarcissism - me too , I am teary eyed , I thank God for you Dr C and Gus

[@venusrising6554]

Sometimes it's not feasible to get away from the vulture lurking out there in the trees. But you don't have to feed it. Excellent advice Dr Carter. As always. Thanks.

[@Canaday291]

I learned the miserable traumatic way being married to a malignant narcissist alcoholic that you can’t ever reason with insanity They aren’t worth it I have gone completely no contact

[@teresarenee3829]

the alcohol adds a whole other element to this nightmare....

[@jocelienjimenez9821]

True there never wrong were all just crazy beacuse we dont see things in there Narcissistic ways i say go no contact with a toxic person you only have one life to live why? Give our lives to be decided by such un unholy person with destructive traits? Love your self and get rid of them for good. Thank you👍🕊❤

[@TheNikki284]

Whenever I go Gray Rock she calls me "passive-aggressive." Irony of ironies. Thank you, Dr. Carter, for making this video for those of us who are stuck right now in a situation where no contact is not an option.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

He can call you anything he wants. What matters is what you know about you. Dr. C

[@TheNikki284]

Surviving Narcissism Thank you for that reminder, Dr. C; Sometimes it gets a little foggy here in NarcTown! You are the best!🙏🏻❤️

[@Junior-vq3ee]

Me too.

[@giuliagautschi-delre2313]

That‘s the case here, Dr. Carter! Your advice will be well received!!

[@mid2k]

Narcissist should be involuntarily committed or made to register. Dangerous predators like them shouldn't be in socociety unsupervised.

[@aik51912]

I have been waiting for one like this. I have a child with a narcissist. He makes my life hell. There is no such thing as " co-parenting" with him.

[@EmpoweredLivingwithLori]

No, they counter parent.

[@ganaya5663]

@@EmpoweredLivingwithLori they really do..

[@occallie]

Because they're never wrong and you are just stupid and clueless? Dealt with that for almost 40 years, and 28 of those were after the divorce. And ex-mother-in-law was the 3rd wheel in our marriage. I can relate. They raised our son and I raised our daughter. Our daughter is nothing like her brother, and they had very limited contact during almost nonexistent visitations because of the ex and his mother's opinions and interference, and counterparenting.

[@Chris-tg3qy]

@@occallie That is so sad to me that your son was raised in an abusive situation. He didn’t have a chance.

[@aik51912]

@@EmpoweredLivingwithLori Exactly. It's so exhausting.

[@laurieyarnell2197]

I am addressing #6...You also must refrain from personal information and sharing with the people that feed them your information. Good or not good info...they will use it to hurt you. They have flying monkeys that they feed off of for just that purpose. A good person will come to your side to laugh or cry with you...to help, lift and support...but narcissists will use all information to hurt or belittle you.

[@sahdogwrangler5594]

This is the most useful video for me yet. Dr C you're sort of summing up what I have been working on with my therapist for about 5 years! I may watch this weekly, just as a reminder! No more shock & awe at the way my husband of 31 years treats me! Reminders that anything you say can & will be used against you at any time. A leopard doesn't change its spots & you can't get blood from a stone! No more self help books that didn't help, no more working to fix a marriage that's an arrangement. Also, I'm so glad you addressed the issue that some of us are not able to leave but we have to learn to cope & keep our sanity right where we are! To all the possibly, well intentioned people here & out in the world who say, just leave! Leave him! You need to leave! This is hurtful to the ones such as myself that can not & if I could, I would have already done so. Almost like someone saying you're fat, you need to lose weight! Well aware of that, thank you! I'm doing the best I can! I'm working toward being on Team Healthy!

[@RJelly-fi6hd]

Why can't you leave? Are there children involved? Are you without a job or finances? Even if you think you cannot, you can. There are plenty of resources out there to help you and your children.

[@carollong2303]

Don't feed the bear!!! That will be my motto when I DO have to be in contact. Thank you.

[@weetiewhitfield5275]

That is how i handle my mother. I just take her for her and let it go when i leave. Deep down though it still hurts, but now i dont waste time on crying on what will never be.

[@Picca65]

I wanna reach that point too!! :)

[@MistaSmith]

In your private life you might be able to avoid all people who give you trouble, but at work you can't. So, thanks a lot for training content like this!

[@aliceroberts1980]

They can’t be bothered to even talk to you but wait your supposed to see goodbye to them when they leave in the morning if you don’t answer or do what they do ignore them like they do you , you get screamed at 6:36 am in the morning!!! He will actually try to force you to say something to them like your a subordinate or slave. I don’t care what he thinks and then sometimes he still hurts me with cruelty!

[@noracharles9366]

Every single day- EGGSHELLS. Im sorry 😶

[@butterflylove2642]

I understand your situation. Been living the same (& worse). Isn’t Dr. Carter an absolute blessing!! 🕊 Dr. C. has changed my life, for the better, in my ongoing, difficult, (non-escapable) situation.

[@Gwen13061]

Oh wow! Me too. Forces me to respond to him always. He forces me to say I love you!

[@rosettesionne9139]

They do to you what you are not supposed to do to them and they always have reasons to justify their actions. If they go no contact with you, you are not allowed to go no contact with them or you will appear as the bad person. If they insult, gaslight or critisize you, you are not allowed to do the same thing with them or you will face repercussions( some narcissist can be really violent) they always have excuses to justify their bad behaviours while forcing you to behave in a way that suits them. To make long story short no matter what you do with the narcissist if it is not convenient to them you will face severe repercussions. I try to go greyrock with the narcissists in my life because I wasn't able to tolerate their abuse. The result... months of gaslight, judgements and critisisms and since they are excellent manipulator it was not difficult for them to convince others that I was the bad person(since I started becoming cold and detached) they use the greyrock as an excuse to justify their bad behaviours. I was forced to go no contact because I started feeling like I was becoming crazy but I am sure that the fact that I went no contact gave them more reasons to make me appear as the bad person. It is my point of view but sometimes I ask myself if the only way to tolerate these people is not in becoming toxic ourself because I discovered that in order to get rid of them, I started behaving more like a covert narcissist. If I tried to continue to be good with them they will make me either have a severe depression or they will make me believe like I am inferior to them. So... how can we deal with these people without becoming toxic ourself.

[@susanaeschbacher2049]

@@rosettesionne9139 Dear Rose, Talk to God about your feelings. He loves us as we are and because He is love and can give us love, we can love ourselves and others to avoid becoming bitter.

[@asparrow5505]

I listen to "If" by Rudyard Kipling and enjoy the little things in life when they present themselves. Stoicism and mindfulness seems to help me.

[@mandolaa4855]

Is it a podcast?

[@asparrow5505]

Just a poem being read that reminds me of narcissists/narcissistic abuse in some ways

[@mandolaa4855]

@@asparrow5505 aa okk, I'll check it out, thank u

[@asparrow5505]

@@mandolaa4855 It's a classic 👍🏻

[@EatBakeSing]

@@mandolaa4855 i have a version on my channel x best poem!!

[@liberte1334]

Ironically, I know that if the narcs in my life watched this, they would easily apply all the Narc characteristics to me and really believe it! That gaslights me and I start to doubt myself. The biggest thing I have difficulty with in INJUSTICE. I can't get past that.

[@justinmallory9303]

Dr Carter has so many videos that hit home. This one is in the top 5. Thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Justin. Glad it resonated. Dr. C

[@sandyshorewalker5364]

I like that way of thinking. It requires effort but we're staying functional. They aren't going anywhere. Sometimes I think it's like a revolving door from week to week. This is helpful. Thanks Dr.

[@lindamoore9729]

Dr. Carter, this is such great advice for me because I AM stuck in this marriage with a narcissist till death do us part, but each and every point you made is so true and helpful. I try not to fall into old habits of thinking of a narcissist as being 'normal' in their dealings with others.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for the good feedback, Linda. Keep leaning forward. Dr. C

[@Alice-fr1ef]

Today is now 3/26/22 and I have learned after listening to you how to live my life and not be defenseive or even care anymore. I live and let live here and that is it.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased, Alice. #TeamHealthy

[@moniquejackson7741]

"With those kinds of Folks, that's all that you can do." Love it!!

[@simev500]

Staying functional is the hardest to sustain. Monitoring anger in response to narcissist verbal assault takes lots of energy, and being on guard is not possible sometimes. Best advice is never to interpret their intension behind what narcissist says because there is a constant one-upmanship in even the simplest of conversation. ALWAYS PAUSE and ASK what exactly is being asked OF YOU.

[@cindy1827]

getting me through an almost impossible situation here, Dr C. Bless you!

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

“It doesn’t feel good...” but it feels better than the full contact chaos! Spot on, as always, Dr.C! So the next step is learning how to redefine that “not so good” feeling so that it is actually welcomed and ultimately “good.”

[@mariaawake4502]

Yes, I think, I know what you mean. I see the difference between my " before" and "after" (obtaining knowledge about narcissism) state of mind, also.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

@@mariaawake4502 Its more a matter of accepting things for what they are as well as accepting what can and can not be changed or what will or will never change than it is a state of mind. When he would go for days without speaking to me... I was constantly wishing he would speak to me. That is, until he would finally speak to me again and then it was negative and arguing and manipulating so that i actually began to appreciate the days he didn’t speak to me. The peace is priceless!

[@mariaawake4502]

​@@AlwaysStampinVideos , yes I am in a different narcissistic relationship. My problem are the endless rants and word salads and now I do not waste as much of my mental energy on following them or engaging, as I did before. Silent treatments per se would probably not bother me much.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

@@mariaawake4502 i hear you. The narcissist i deal with does the rants and word salad as well. The silent treatment was most frustrating when we were together before i knew what narcissism was and it was for the sole purpose of “punishing” me. Now that we aren’t together but sometimes have to deal with one another, it’s a new kind of silent treatment. I might ask a question (or give him information he needs to know) that pertains to our kids or family or anything really and he won’t answer me for about two weeks. Then when he does answer me, the rants and the word salad are still there so that i end up wishing i hadn’t asked the question at all and wish the silent treatment was back in place. It never ends. I envy people who can go no contact.

[@mariaawake4502]

@@AlwaysStampinVideos , remain as detached as possible.

[@sherylheilig8411]

I learned how to be functional as a child but as an adult empath I can see how I keep getting hurt by my mother. I care so much for all people. Letting go has been hard Knox road. Becoming stronger in knowing there will never be a relationship with Mom only function n know she is where she is on this life path. Thank you for giving all of us someone to support us during our transformation away from narc.behavior n stand on our own.

[@dianawilde417]

The wisest most genuinely helpful therapist on the internet. Thank you Sir for all you do to help us. From the UK 🇬🇧

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are very welcome, Diane.

[@kellycrouse4037]

I absolutely need it because its impossible but I get alot I call this my counseling because iam a mess because of him

[@SailorGreenTea]

8:59, it does become amusing when they fish for personal information.

[@nilgiridreaming]

I needed to hear this when I was in the thick of it - being gaslighted and terrorised by a so-called prowler... Thanks Dr Carter.

[@Confidential619]

My dad has been acting like this towards me only since a year after my grandpa passed away. Since 2018, every single day he's here he does stuff to put me down the best he can but in secret ways. I can see why every girl left him now, but it's like I have no choice. My life is worse than hell with him. It's just so uncomfortable even just knowing he's here...and he heard me say this he would love and would just gain way more confidence from it and say to himself "yes I'm killing him slowly it's working" . But he acts nice when other people are around or anything like that, but my family can't tell how he really acts, so they just tell me like "why do you say that he's your dad" or "stop talking about him like that" but they have no idea at all what he does around me or stares at me when no one notices. An then he's really good at playing nice around everyone else. It sucks...I don't understand why me though. I know he friends off it too. And really he's not suppose to be here because the cops don't want him here since my sisters and little brother are here but he comes here anyway. He has a trailer somewhere he sleeps, but he comes here anyway just to treat me the way he does to make himself feel better, used the bathroom upstairs next to my room just get over me. Really wish he'd go away forever. I would be able to breathe a lot better.

[@colleengiese]

He sounds like how my mom "handled" me. She caused me to be burned throughout my young years.. No relatives stepped in to help..I figure that divine beings must have held her back from worse harm. She also did those things that you so well explain about the "Dad". To offset these effects on my being, now I eat the best fresh foods diet & get outside in the sun & air alot plus found a lost abused dog later when I was able to keep one for a loving pet. Sending you an abundance of good vibes & protection, speaking these things outloud for you. 🌌💙

[@aliceroberts1980]

I sorry this is happening to you . My N husband won’t leave me alone they like to force you to talk to them it’s a power trip for them sometimes it feels like rape they force there presents on you. They know you want to rid of them.

[@bmoremom8458]

Oh no 👎 he’s an emotional pervert instead of dealing with his anger or feelings he’s using you as an emotional punching bag. Work on your independence ASAP!

[@noracharles9366]

You are being ABUSED and i am so, SO sorry 🆘️✡

[@wandah9468]

"He acts nice around everyone else" You're darned right they know what they're doing. All your suspicions are confirmed. Save all the $$$$$ you can, get the best education you can. Just one question, was Grandpa the stabilizing influence in the family? Get strong, baby. You'll need it.💖💖💖

[@laurengarrett9005]

This is hard when married. I know things will never change. It's a catch 22.

[@candybradford6468]

Being a relational person, it was difficult for me to adopt these, but it has proven to be very helpful in those “relationships”.

[@anotherviewer1954]

These are so so SO TRUE! Especially when it comes to their anger. 😂 They will do everything just to make everyone around them angry like them lol. Or when you managed to defend yourself or "defeat" them on an argument without getting emotional at all, you will notice them afterwards doing things that they know can trigger you. As to why just like doc said, never tell them your personal feelings/life to them.

[@moonmama9339]

Thanks we unfortunately ended up with the aging family narcissist. It is never easy dealing with these people.

[@RJelly-fi6hd]

I had to just let my ex-husband continue to brainwash his children against me. I had to get out. I know that sounds selfish, but it was self-preservation. I believe that, eventually, my children will see for themselves his manipulative ways. I did, so they will. I pray for them all the time, that they see him for what he is, but in the end he is their father. They will always love him and strive to get his love. I just gave up on striving to get his love, and started to love myself more. I pray my children can do the same, in time. I pray they realize that I did the best I could as a mother and a wife.....Just get out, if you can. Or it may take your life. These type of people have no regard for your life, only their own.

[@kath610]

This is extremely helpful. I have been married for 33 years and with the help of a wonderful counselor have been able over the last year to put up several boundaries. If I do stay it will mean stepping even further away from our relationship and moving closer to God and my better self. Thank you Dr C for sharing your great insights!

[@theeemaven]

i am SO damn thankful for you. been feeling like someone is holding a plastic bag over my head while trying to navigate my situation. Long story short, I finally finally have admitted to myself that my son's father is a narcissist. I had already kicked him out in 2019...& yeah, that was FUN. That's when it started to begin to click. Now, our son is 3. & lil dude absolutely ADORES him. I know the supply will run out for my son's dad eventually as my son ages, & I understand this will most likely result in some form of discarding. & itll crush my boy. I also understand the negative impacts of parental alienation by another parent, especially when the child has not seen for themselves yet that there is something 'off' about said parent. It has all been so black & white in the videos ive seen about going 'no contact', both the videos & the comments from people who have successfully cut ties. & ive been suffocating while searching for help, silently screaming: I CANNOT DO THAT THOUGH! & then, here you are, metaphorically slapping me with the truth as I type & youre saying "stop trying to ponder how to have a better relationship.." Guilty. I absolutely dont have any romantic interest in him, but I'm continually thinking & holding onto hope that I can help fix him before my son is bruised by him. I am SERIOUSLY thankful for you. You're a straight shooter. THANK YOU.

[@DeloresCostello]

😂 “spell my name correctly” I love this!! This episode is what I have on my hands, very helpful and educational ❤️

[@irenemcnamara9699]

It works, Dr. C. It is difficult to do. These people don't like it, when you take a stand against them. They think, I am not the problem, you are. I am going to get my friends and your friends and family against you. A truly difficult place to be in. You could also have the option to be subservient to them forever. I chose no contact. But they do not recognize karma, when it is staring them in the face!

[@Vixinaful]

This behaviour from the non narc, comes naturally. I'm there after 3 years of emotional abuse. One retreats emotionally and physically.

[@susanbennetttellstales7998]

When Dr. C spoke about "stop defending yourself" I felt my shoulders go from a raised forward position and settle back into a relaxed, relieved position.

[@TheNCWrapRevolution]

Ty ty ty ty. These tips have tremendous value to me. Marriage is difficult with a narcissist but when no contact doesn't seem viable in your life it is best TO KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH AND MOVE FORWARD ACCORDINGLY! So very helpful and appreciated! Ty so much

[@TheNCWrapRevolution]

16 years wasn't worth throwing away as long as I can fully understand him then it is more functional

[@denicehaley9902]

Being new to Dr. C, this video explains exactly what I’ve started doing with my narc “husband.” As an empath, this is difficult gray rocking, and/or not exploding with 35+ years of frustrations and agitations, but as Dr. C explained, it’s necessary. Amazing to see the difference between the older videos and today’s. Thanks for including handsome Gus in today’s. Dr. C, you’ve been a godsend, and I pray many blessings over you, your wife, and of course, Gus. ❤❤❤❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Denice. And yes, my style has evolved a bit since those first ones!

[@TC-gx3qn]

Wow, these are all of the things the Lord has been putting on my heart. Thank you for this confirmation, Dr. Carter. God bless you! 🕊

[@cataisla258]

I've only had to deal with narcissists in the workplace not in my personal life, which I guess is a blessing. The first was an overt about 4 years ago. Now it's with a vulnerable. I don't take their behavior personally. The problem is that their behavior escalates if you ignore them and they make work relationships very difficult. Try to sabotage your job. This is very stressful and I'm so tired of dealing with these people. If you confront them they love it. If you ignore or grey rock they start triangulating. Very hard to work like this

[@tanasaninthewoods]

Thank you, Dr. Carter! With your words of wisdom, I was able to maintain my inner peace and survive the family reunion! You saved me!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That really encourages me. Glad to be on the journey with you. Dr. C

[@mareeamor3596]

Dr C. I have found your advice invaluable and successful e.g. not sharing personal details any more, not justifying anything about myself, and "grey rocking" because, as you say, my relationship with the narcissist is not one I value. Those tactics do raise the narcissist's ire, to the point of my receiving another verbal jab if I don't react to the provocation. However, the moment passes and I've done myself no harm, but the narcissist starts to look antagonistic to others present.

[@johnreynolds6369]

The real difficulty is when you have children you love with them. Wish I could just walk away.

[@ganaya5663]

Dealing with a narc BM myself... stay strong and keep going!

[@leocarbaugh5074]

I feel ya brother. You're not alone, or I should say, you're not the only one.

[@teresarenee3829]

Just remember they are victims too...

[@maramabdallah5479]

Me too !!!😔

[@ganaya5663]

@@teresarenee3829 how are they victims?

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

I have 2 narc adult children. Yes, I like the word functional. That is what I have, a superficial relationship that is functional, we dont enjoy each others company, they have grew up so different from me but just like my narc parents. It is hard to unhook emotionally but I do have freedom accepting them just like they are. It took me a long time to accept them as they are. We dont have feel good exchanges, not going to be understood, not thorougly enjoy each others company. No emotional satisfaction. We cant be in a better place, deeper connection, it doesnt work, no meeting of heart and minds but resolution I can stand up for myself. Yes, no more begging them or no need to defend myself either. Yes, who cares if they take shots at me, it is who they are. They are what they are and I am what I am. Yes, dont do personal sharing, you certainly wont get empathy! Yes, they are entitled ME FIRST kind of people! Yes, expended your energy with healthy people who you can have heart to heart with. You have nailed it with this Dr. C, very helpful! With those kind of folks, it is as far as you can go, functional!

[@bandungbusdriver5256]

i did 6 steps... the 7th is the most difficult... narcissists have a way to rooted on your mind and make you angry all the time... but i think i have pass that... by stop thinking about them and start rewarding/complement myself... i've done a great job... thanks again Dr.C

[@krisztina442]

It's going to be a very useful content for many of us, I guess...

[@jd659]

Essential! Not everyone can follow the trite advice of "just go no contact" while being true to our values. I'm not allowing my elderly narc parent to rot away alone. Dr C has been so helpful to allow me to fulfill my obligation and insulate my children and hubby without regressing. Thank you sir!

[@carolnahigian9518]

Dr C is smart & wise..

[@LoveFaithLive]

@@jd659 Fair enough! but what you see as allowing a parent to "rot away alone" may not be how or what others see of their own narc parent/s. For them and their own family unit going no contact may be the best thing in their circumstances.

[@patriciacole8773]

We aren’t just an arrangement. They see us as a liability.

[@mrs.nyneaderthal640]

Great video. My husband and I (married 40 years) and our kids have gradually gone gray rock with his mom long before I knew that it had a name. We've always ignored her insults towards me. Never once did I defend myself. She is very much aware of it, and in her mind I am the cause of family members not wanting to be around her. The final straw came when she lied about me to our daughter to try to convince her what a bad person I am, and drove our daughter to tears when she tried to defend me. That's when I ended it with my MIL. She has since tried to involve my grandchildren in her drama...she is relentless. My husband can barely tolerate talking to her anymore. She now has him to herself when he does go to see her which is rarely. Hope she's happy, she got what she wanted.

[@samothom7333]

Les, you are the only professional who understands that a narcissistic can be your boss....

[@BB-nr3sm]

It took me 27 + years for me to realize I was in an arrangement rather than a relationship, and that my husband was not going to change. However, I realized a change could happen, so I made that healthy change and got a divorce.

[@dianastundze9014]

I really appreciate this episode. I am taking care of my 87 year old in laws. As narcissistic age they dig in their heels. And it really helps to listen to your sensibilities.

[@cbholmes4739]

This is tough for me because whenever I unhook emotionally, this person has a serious health emergency, which ends up getting them the attention they crave. And it's just tough to see them suffer physically. I don't know how to unhook from that.

[@RJelly-fi6hd]

This person is probably using the illness as a weapon to get you back. For your sanity and health, disengage. The narc will find someone else to use.

[@roseyc.5846]

When the narcissistic abuse comes from your adult child, unfortunately, you can't go 'no contact'. (Though I would like that). The collateral damage is, withholding the grandkids. She's already done that to some degree; however, all your tips for coping are spot on. Thank you for your channel; it helps my sanity.

[@festusdreamer333]

I find it hard to not react..even with my expressions. I gotta practice not smirking.

[@dmitridiaguilev3990]

I just want to thank you SO MUCH for your videos. You know, they really gave me an opportunity to have a bit of comfort in my life with a narcissist wife, who for six years have been killing my heart with everything you say narcissists are. You truly are a blessing, Mr. Surviving Narcissism! May God truly and abundantly bless you in every way!!!

[@jedimaster708]

So...you're merely a physical presence...mentally, you've checked out...

[@TheQueensWish]

Yes .... but it’s no life. You yearn for deep human contact and understanding. Us empaths were born with natural gifts for this. We were born for loving and connecting and nurturing. All these gifts are wasted and unused and certainly unappreciated by the narcissist. It is a waste of our life energy and talent and very being. Imagine how depressing it is to have your mission in life shut down and shot down at every turn, every day. It’s a cruel way to live and such a disappointment. It breaks your heart, shatters your soul.

[@wandah9468]

Survival skills while you plan your escape.

[@dragonfly4335]

Makes sense to me. Team Healthy all the way. Always strive to be the peaceful warrior.

[@caroline4323]

This is so important! I would add several stars to this video, particularly. This is absolutely essential. I kept looking for advice on "how", most life I could practice no contact, now I can´t. And sometimes, even though still a minefield walk, I managed. But then he got to me, and I was surprised how easy it is to get angry. And finally it clicked, it is because I still expect a validation from him, I expect he will acknowledge me as an equal human being. It is not going to happen and I was still waiting for it!

[@barbarakelly1916]

It helps to switch from getting validation from others to validating yourself: acknowledging your good qualities and accomplishments, however small that they may be. "Beautiful green eyes", "creative with leftover food", "good listener" etc. are examples of a few self-validations. It is amazing when, done daily, how strong and confident you feel.

[@michelepascoe6068]

So if you can't go no contact, go low contact by detaching emotionally and observing what they do dispassionately. Thanks, Dr C

[@LuvvyDuck]

Thank you so much, Dr. Carter! I wish I'd gotten this advice long ago. It's true that No Contact isn't one size fits all.

[@natinamack5123]

Thank you, Dr C, for all your videos. It's truly helping me to heal and move forward. I particularly found this video helpful because my covert narc mom and I are living together, and I just discovered what the problem was. I'm not in the position to move right now (although I'm trying),as others suggest to just move on, and then you won't have to deal with your mother never. Also, my mother and I attend the same church. So, in order for me to have peace while I choose to heal and deal with her, I know I must disconnect emotionally. I feel so free, and I'm not crazy after all!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased!

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

I do not give any adult an excuse pertaining to their background. Everyone has a choice to learn to act decently after they grow up. Sure no one is perfect, however, once we are no longer undergoing the torment of family members we get to choose what we want to be. At a young age, I didn't want to be like the mean people in our household and thought for myself mostly, this made them dislike me and pick on me a lot, every day.

[@cathytilford388]

There are findings of heredity being around 50% for narcissism.

[@maryscarnecchia2753]

My roommate is a narcissist. I never even really used the term til her. Every week it’s something new to yell about she looks for stuff to be mad about. And it’s like 8 texts in a row when she starts 🙄. At first I tried compromising but learned quickly there was no compromising only her way. I can’t wait til I find somewhere else to live and have no contact with her. I just keep reminding myself at least I’m not miserable on the inside like her.

[@nancymorgan3006]

this is just what I needed, I'm struggling with my adult Narcissistic son with whom I live with I can't do anything about that right now so I have to be in a unemotional, a living arrangement with him without putting my maternal feelings into things witch is so hard, he's my son I do love him and that makes it even more difficult and heartbreaking to have to disconnect and know I can't have the normal relationship that a mother and son should have. Dr C thank you so much for this video, it's great help I have to watch it often to help me keep from losing my mind.

[@davidspritz1625]

This video could not have been posted at a better time. I truly believe god has led you to post this right now. Thank you so much

[@amandaroberts5111]

Me too David, what a help he is.

[@mykidsdadrocks9341]

Thank you Dr C and team! This is one I needed. After 19 years of marriage to an emotional, verbal, and mentally abusive wife I finally found the strength to move out last November. We have 3 kids together so as much as I love the idea of 'no contact' that is not an option as I am trying to remain in my children's lives. That has been the biggest struggle since leaving. As I continue to heal and grow there is still that cord which keeps up attached... and she will still use them as a weapon to hurt me when it serves her needs.

[@terrymathews8177]

Mentally chech out - it takes practice but it's the only option because on matter how much you think you can get through to them you never will

[@Persephone0110]

This is brilliant, thank you. I've already been practicing a few of these with the narcissist in my life. It's teaching me a lot of self control. It's exhausting at first to change how I interactwith another person, but changing my mindset had helped so much! & keeping my personal life to myself as much as possible is imperative. It makes this so much easier.

[@kristensmith8442]

Thanks! I needed to hear this and had to learn this recently. It's so true! They never change and they always stay the same always.

[@kathrynakers2767]

This is interesting I just posted my particular situation on the video before this one. Thankyou so much for addressing this kind of issue. I shared my way of coping. I'm saving this video so I can refer back to it! If I could put those 6 things on my wall I would!!! Lol Yes I've decided for myself to turn it into a positive! This is teaching me to go within and ask the hard questions about myself! What is it that Triggers me into getting defensive about there malace towards me? What self-worth and self exceptence do I need to work on? However I am clear! There projections of me Does NOT Define who I really Am! And everyday is always a New opportunity to do something different! Truly that is God's Grace at work. Gratitude for this guidance. To me it was Heaven sent to come through you to me. Much Love&Light many Blissings and successes Namesta 🙏 💜

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Namaste.

[@Davids77724]

THANK YOU. THIS is EXACTLY what I needed. I need to MEMORIZE this vid! I reasonably can't go no-contact with one in my family. I've been practicing this kind of behavior toward him, without having the clarity of this video, & my emotions & feelings have been kinda all over the place. So I GREATLY APPRECIATE this, to help organize my own thoughts. THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! I will be passing this on to his sibling, & more.

[@shewins3775]

This is great information! It’s so sad it has to be that way when it’s family, but everything you said is absolutely true! Love you Dr. C and your work!!

[@stephanie5471]

Thanks Dr Carter for this much needed video! I can’t wait for my child to be 18 and also be able to quit my job as both keep me connected to my narc ex. I have no other choice but to go grey rock, which helps a lot when it comes to reacting to his jabs and dismissing Hoover attempts.