7 Reasons People Get Trapped In Narcissistic Relationships

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@youngblood8540]

The 8th and most important reason why we got trapped in a narcissistic relationship, is because we didn't get our heads examined by Dr. Ramani, when we first realized something was wrong.

[@twovirginiacats3753]

True that! LOL

[@michiganmymichigan]

Oh, that it were.....

[@AdindaQ]

Hahaha, i was thinking the same.

[@calebkeegan3023]

Facts lol

[@calebkeegan3023]

Ty Dr Ramani ur my fav

[@Metamorphidi]

1. Guilt 2. Hope 3. Fear 4. Curiosity/Stubbornness 5. Lack of Knowledge 6. Don't want to Leave "Too Soon"/Confirming the Pattern 7. Magical Thinking

[@twovirginiacats3753]

Add to that 1) Self esteem issues, 2) biological clock ticking and you don't think you will do any better and 3) money (not enough money to fight the situation or get out). You become willing to just settle when you think it is the best you will be able to find.

[@sharonkingston2821]

❤️

[@sararichardson737]

Financial entrapment, homelessness

[@DontBeAlarmedItsJustMe]

@@twovirginiacats3753 I lived in Virginia before. I totally get the money part. I feel sorry for Virginians. Y'all have to fight for survival. Shack up just to make it... It was sad

[@dlwsport250]

@@twovirginiacats3753 PREACH! Why do I feel this way?

[@lindab6974]

If I had had the internet 25 years ago, I would have left the Narc much much earlier! I had no idea he had a personality disorder and that the relationship would never get better, only worse. Not knowing what I was dealing with kept me stuck for two decades!

[@lt827]

After a year of being single, I can say with zeal that I am happily single! It was hard to leave but now there is no going back.

[@stevenkovler5133]

How do you face the jealousy. I can’t stand her being with another man !

[@lt827]

@@stevenkovler5133 Not jealous. I hope he finds someone new so he stops asking me for money!

[@gheorghealexandrucristian]

Dr. Ramani, your work should be propopsed for a Nobel prize for all the good that you've done by sharing all this information on narcissism.

[@housekeeping3561]

That’s it. She gets the Nobel peace prize oh I love her.

[@thatveganlesbian]

She really should. For all the harm that she's helped people to avoid by validating and educating them!

[@SpazmoticOne]

36 years married, and I just found out about this narcissistic personality last July. The last nine months of learning from you and Dr. Carter and others, has helped me immensely. I married a person who had a severely abusive childhood, and I have felt sorry for him our entire marriage. I made excuses, I for gave, I was understanding, all to the detriment of my health, both mental and physical, and my self-esteem. His job ended five years ago, and he has been collapsing slowly and steadily. I’ve been stuck on guilt and hope I think, as he goes to therapy weekly but only continues to get worse. He no longer speaks to me, just sits and glares. Thanks for your advice, I am learning to radically except in order to figure out my next steps. I’m turning all of the love and kindness and help I gave to him towards myself now. Going out and meeting new people through activities and hobbies feels great! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping us ❤️

[@azurea0587]

Good luck to you! Your situation sounds like my parents. My mom was so unhappy with my narcissistic dad, but she stayed married to him for more than 45 years. Finally, when they moved to a retirement community, my mom made the break. I never realized until discovering Dr. Ramani's channel exactly why their relationship was so miserable. Now I know--my dad was a narcissist (who had experienced trauma as a child) and my mom was a caring, empathetic person whose guilt about leaving him kept them locked unhappily together for decades.

[@SpazmoticOne]

@@azurea0587 Thank you for the good wishes, Azurea. I think there are many older folks experiencing things similar to me. I made every excuse in the book for his behavior, thinking he was depressed, he needed a special kind of therapy, or medicine, and or the next thing would help him. We have both been in therapy on and off for 15 years, and none of these psychologists ever mentioned the word narcissism. I hope that your mom is doing well, it’s amazing that she was able to make that decision after so long. Good on you for being such a supportive child🤗

[@dorenkinzi1730]

@@SpazmoticOne this is exactly what I went through for ten years. Having met him as a teen, I had no idea of the monster his childhood made out of him. I did everything in the books including fending for him while he drowned deeper into alcoholism, gambling, and womanizing. I became a codependent and enabler at the same time. 10 years later we had nothing to show off for our relationship except our two kids. We lived from hand to mouth to accommodate his addictions. I started googling each of his behaviors, desperate to find a word to attach to his character. I finally met Dr. Ramani and she's been virtually my best friend ever. I left the marriage with my kids 5 months ago, No contact. I am doing better mentally, physically, spiritually, since I forgave myself for the guilt, fear, hope, future faking, and lack of knowledge that kept me stuck for a decade. I have also learned to affirm myself more often.

[@elizabethhobson7939]

36 years, wow! Glad to hear you’re progressing. I was in pieces after 12 years with my ex so I think it’s a testament to your strength of character you’ve not only survived 36 years but you’re also able to start rebuilding yourself even inside the relationship. My ex attended therapy too, for the last year or so of our relationship - and he got worse. Very noticeably worse. I suspect that he fed his therapist a victimhood narrative that was swallowed, and he was then encouraged to exert even more control over me. For the best in the end because I needed it to be totally intolerable!

[@annademelo4689]

All the best to you ❤

[@RobinSpeer]

Didn't really know I was in a narcissistic relationship until I started hearing the term and did some research, thank you Dr. Ramani for making these videos. For me, I had been surrounded by narcissists since I came out of the womb so all the behaviors, while deeply unsettling, were what I thought was "normal". It didn't help that I would hear cliches ("Oh all relationships are hard.") was told that I was too sensitive, playing a victim and then was encouraged to have deep conversations with the narcissists only to realize that they were feeding off of my insecurities and enjoying my unhappiness. I've accepted that I was a victim of the narcissists' abuses. Now I'm working on radical acceptance and not personalizing while finding ways to make me happy. It isn't easy.

[@DanielWilder-mq7nc]

It’s kind of contradictory to say that a narcissist ex admitted that to gaslighting. One of the behavior patterns of a narcissist is that they won’t admit fault on their own, and that they use gaslighting to convince you that they were never at fault. I can tell you what behavior of my narcissist ex led me to believe that I was being gaslighted though. Gaslighting is a real insidious way of manipulation- to make you believe that there is something wrong with you, that the actions/words of your narcissist weren’t really what they seemed to be. It makes you question your judgement, leading to you ignoring your instincts and senses. I swallowed all of her gaslighting for years, mostly because I wanted the relationship to work- like most people who have been the partner of a narcissist. I started realizing that something was wrong 6 months before I was discarded. It was actually this revelation that I had that led to the discard- once I started seeing through the illusion that she presented, I started to see all of her actions for what they really were, and I started to question her on everything and stood my ground on issues that I previously gave in on. We had gotten into a really bad argument. Tensions between us had been building for a few months. We had to move from our rental and find a new place to live within 2 months, in a town that was going through a surge in prices for rental properties. It was difficult finding a place to live that was within our budget, and still live in the town that had come to be our community. Between that and all of the normal logistics in moving cause a lot of minor arguments and stress between us- more than what was normal with her narcissistic and selfish behavior. We found a place, moved in and was in the process of bringing the final things over from the old place to the new place and cleaning the old place when we had gotten into an argument about something minor. All of the pent up tensions and resentment came out. During the argument, she was dismissive to me and told me that everything was my fault and if I didn’t like it then I could pack my shit and leave. I was so frustrated that I knocked her external computer monitor down (so she would face me and not continue to argue with her back turned to me). She got up and in my face and told me that I probably wanted to hit her. I said that I didn’t, I just wanted to discuss the issues. She said that if I wasn’t man enough to hit her she would give herself a black eye and call the police on me. I turned and left the room, because I knew the argument was escalating to a place that I didn’t;t want it to go. As I turned to leave the room, she jumped on me and started punching me. I told her if she was going to hit me, I would call the police. She started punching me again, so I left the room, went to the master bathroom and called the police. They came, interviewed both of us and arrested her for spousal battery. Afterwards she only blamed me for the incident and never, never acknowledged that she hit me. A week or so later, she asked me to write a letter to the DA requesting that the charges be dropped. I said that I would write a letter but that she would have to acknowledge her actions and to apologize to me first. She said that she was sorry that I felt that way. I told her that I wouldn’t write anything to the DA, and she stormed off, giving me the silent treatment for a couple of days. I knew what happened, and have a very clear recollection of the events. I’ve been punched before with closed fists, and I know what it feels like- and it doesn’t feel like a “shove”, what she insisted was what she did (her story was that she shoved me only after I shoved her, which was nonsense). I got a copy of the police report, and one of several reasons that they arrested her is because they found her knuckles red and swollen. I tried to move through this, but she kept trying to change the narrative of what happened when I was very clear on what happened. I felt crazy, but knew that I wasn’t. This led me to question everything else that she told me. Once I started realizing that most things she told me (when it came to disagreements or things that I had an issue with) were lies, and I believed the illusion that she created to trick me. That’s what the narcissist does- they present an illusion to you. Just like looking at an optical illusion, once you see that it is a trick of the eyes, you can’t look at it again without seeing the trick. Once I started seeing through her illusions, the house of cards that she built started to fall down and I slowly started to realize the type of person that she was, even though I didn’t want to believe it. I started enforcing my boundaries and that drove her crazy and caused more fights and gaslighting, which is what I believe led to her finally discarding me 6 months after her arrest. She never admitted to gaslighting me though. Even after confronting her with things from years previous that I realized she changed to make me the one at fault, she stays with her story. Even with indisputable proof, she stays with her version of events and says everyone else is wrong. Don’t expect any type of satisfaction or closure from a narcissist, because you won’t get any. You have to believe your judgment and instinct, and not tie your self-worth and self-esteem to anything that they say to you. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,

[@wds525]

If you only knew how that resonates with me. My sociopathic ex led me to one month in psychiatric care. And I was a very happy man before her. It's like a weird form of Stockholm Syndrome. I've been in therapy for the last 5 years. That's how bad the damages were. My family and friends saw me slowly transform from a happy man with 2 sons from a previous relationship into a shadow of what I was. Everybody noticed how bad she was to me except myself. I hope you find peace. I'm still fighting. Best regards from Portugal.

[@illil1844]

Hope is the one that kept me tied for four years, and in November 2022, I stayed without hope for two months. That did it because I like looking to the future and trying to find ways to make it happen. I walked away 2.5 months ago. I now fear what will be said about me. I'm not afraid of being alone. I had curiosity that was stuck with fear and I wanted to see how bad it would get. I said "no more" to myself on New Year's eve 2023. Not because it got worse; no hope was the trick for me to get out. The trick now is to not get caught again.

[@KalleenHa]

That hope and belief that the person can change is a tough pill to swallow when it keeps on NOT happening. Especially when the person INSISTS on that help. After awhile, it’s then you realize it was all a ruse. At least that’s how it was for me. It just means you are a good person who believed in someone for a time until they proved otherwise and showed you who they really were. 😞 Sometimes it feels like such a waste of years, then again, the lessons gained are invaluable. Continued strength and healing to you. ❤️

[@purvamandlik4696]

That fear of what will be said about me - they were always saying off things about me even before the discard. Just that the way it was being said was weird. Plausible deniability. They don't directly say something bad about us. It's indefinite messaging. It may or may not change their narrative. It could be just a tone of voice, a look on the face. But it makes an impression on the listener. And that fear of what will be said about us - we have that fear because we have heard them talk badly about others to us, and subconsciously we know we will one day be judged in the same way. In that light, won't it be better to be away from such a person at the earliest? The way out is - don't react to what they may or may have not said to others. Don't over-correct yourself unnecessarily. Be the best version of yourself, at all times. Let time pass. People will see the truth and decide for themselves.

[@valeriepace3976]

Save yourself so much time and energy for the people who deserve it. They will never change.

[@merseltzer]

I know I will be spoken of badly. It doesn't matter. I will never see these people & they are damaging themselves by speaking badly. As a previous commenter said....time will pass & people will see the truth for themselves.

[@davidJohnsonguitarguy]

The narcissistic parents had 11 children, you read that right; I wasn't willing to die for the narcissistic siblings, although I came close a couple times. I am 60 years old and it took me 55 years to wake-up and rid my life of them. My life is a lot better now as a result.

[@bunnyboo6295]

All out of 11 are narcs you sure.

[@HahaT634]

@@bunnyboo6295 my family we are 8 children , and more than 4 are cluster B that’s for sure. There’s a mix of borderline, narcs and psychopathy. Both parents are cluster B, so I can totally relate to David’s experience

[@HahaT634]

@ David Johnson it seems there’s always atleast one narc parent in households with too many children. And the chaos in these households is the template for raising more narcs

[@bunnyboo6295]

@@HahaT634 So there is likely a gene. Or could the traits be learned behavior that can be fixed? People that dated a narc sometimes start acting a little like them.

[@davidJohnsonguitarguy]

@@bunnyboo6295 I will consider the source.

[@prettypuff1]

Yup yup yup yup. Once I accepted this about my mother, things started falling into place. I felt very guilty about it but I also realized I was never going to have anything. I had to dramatically accept that mixed signals mean no.

[@jbb222]

I hit rock bottom again and again, not thinking it could possibly get worse, but it did, which lead to a lot of guilt. That's exactly what they want, to be able to keep pushing you until you lose all sense of your values. I was younger and didn't know about narcissism, thank you for sharing your knowledge to help others from hopefully avoiding these people.

[@ecohumanism]

It's the same with me: for a long time I thought that you should give people as many chances as it humanly possible, because maybe they still don't understand something. I didn't know that people can perceive things so differently, that they would intentionally refuse to admit their mistakes, while not caring about another person. It takes me a ling time to recover

[@blee9304]

Every time I tried to break it off she would rage and cry and yell and cry... Even saying she was self harming. Yes, I felt the guilt at the same time my guilt was so overpowering that made me forgot about how abusive she was. Every time I returned, I felt like going back to a prison. Finally I am out, and of course all the accusations of how I left her time and time again making her the victim, without addressing what made me leave at the first place. Again, you cannot win.

[@caroleshepherd4194]

Yes I stayed far too long (32years!) For all the reasons you have mentioned. Needed to be sure it was time to leave even though I really already knew the answer🙄

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I think sometimes I also ‘looked up to’ the narcissist, thinking they were better than me for whatever reason, so who was I to question them or want more/better…I thought I should be grateful for whatever attention I got. Now I know that’s lies. I am worthy and deserve better, and I now prioritize how they treat me over how I feel about them. ❤

[@ceceb6264]

When we went to marriage counseling, husband would behave during this time. The minute the counseling was over he went back to being a narcissist.

[@Irreplaceableme]

Lol Doctor ! The parts where “it’s like watching a horror movie…” and no one wants to leave the party too early!? You’re so good you can see some of us victims are delusional and thrill seeking as well. He really brought the worst out of me too. Now I can heal those hidden urges of my own. Thank you for the work you do. ❤

[@chayo4537]

Wow

[@Irreplaceableme]

@@chayo4537 no offense. Just sharing my experience

[@dummymail7041]

I started watching your videos and got clarity as to what's going on because I thought I was going crazy like he keeps saying to me and I also went to a counselor who couldn't really help. I broke up but I am still uncomfortable with the decision. I know it's necessary so I am sticking to it now finally.. and just letting time heal everything. I'm now in the no contact phase and I watch your videos to hold on to sanity and clarity. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for opening my eyes..

[@indraSilentMoonImaginarium]

I hear you and I am in a similar position. You Tube is the only thing that keeps me realising its not me ( sometimes) I can’t speak to many people because they tell me To pull Myself together. Because I am a yoga teacher I’m suppose to have all the tools. Nobody is armed with the tools For this abuse. The gaslighting, the drip feeding, the secrets

[@frohsmohswainaksfst]

I wish you all the power and strength to get through the heavy feelings of loneliness. I am sure you will arrive home safely with your head up high.

[@twovirginiacats3753]

@@indraSilentMoonImaginarium True! People say "just leave", "pull yourself together", "what is wrong with you?" etc. Narcs are great at what they do to other people.

[@catherinedubrovna7756]

I have so many helpful videos saved in my playlist by Dr. Ramani. I am very greatful for all the help I have received so far. I would have been lost in my dearest time of need when really no one understood me because I could not put all of my emotions into words and could not even formulate my problems correctly because of the confusion that comes with a narcisisstic relationship. THANK You from the bottom of my heart.

[@itm4173]

I'm indebted to Dr. R. for educating me about narcissism and the devastation to those in their wake. I took a deeper dive into the topic and joined her online community. It's been invaluable in creating my "suit of armor." Upon reflection, I realize that to maintain this armor, I need to regularly tend to it. There's more recovery success and less relapse when I continue listening to this platform and engaging with other like-minded people. When the roots of abuse begin with the narcissistic family unit it's too easy to fall back into dysfunction. I adhere to the AA program's advice "keep coming back; it works."

[@dlwsport250]

I am SO guilty of staying out of curiosity. "Chicago will never be warm in February." (my radical acceptance mantra from Dr. R)

[@nickibuxmann7235]

I got sucked in by the love bombing in the beginning but what kept me for years was the hope. Like they had a radar to the moment I started to loose hope they would give me another piece to start the hope again. Then second was fear that I would leave to soon and it would have changed. These videos have really helped me see the gas lighting and hovering. I wasn’t aware of all the patterns of narcissism until I came across these videos

[@terrirobson9043]

I'm in trouble with this one. I'm stuck in something I don't yet understand and the answer is to stop what I'm doing. I know this. I'm not there yet. Dr Ramani your loving videos & healing course have been instrumental in helping me get to this point. When you just said what you did at the end of talking about #5 knowledge I cried. I have to let this go. I'm there in knowing, but scared because the pain is still almost unbearable. The trauma bond is fierce. I had come a long way with the narcissistic mother, (NC), but walked right into what I thought was going to be a long term relationship that took me places I lost myself in. I can see that happened because I thought I had "healed" ...the reality was I had not even begun...keep doing your beautiful work. We need you.❣️

[@purvamandlik4696]

@Terri, I grew up in a narcissistic home as a scapegoat, having no understanding of the dynamics. I wanted to get away from it, but lack of money, culture and isolation didn't let me step away. The only way out was to get married. I tried hard to ensure that the guy I marry will be a good one. But I didn't know the red flags. He showed his true colours only after i got pregnant. And again, culture doesn't allow divorce. I could not make sense of any of it, but kept pushing to build financial independence and social connection for myself and my child. Several cycles of devaluation and discard kept me in hope. Only when I saw his affairs and financial fraud, I decided to give up hope.

[@indraSilentMoonImaginarium]

You are not alone- i feel your pain cause I am in my own version too. Thank you for sharing - it seems the only way is through - I’m sending you much ❤

[@terrirobson9043]

@@indraSilentMoonImaginarium Thank you so much. It is a good feeling to know we aren't alone, yet sad to realize there are so many of us. Sometimes knowing that is my only solace tho. ❣️

[@terrirobson9043]

@@purvamandlik4696 and the giving up of hope is what will let you move toward healing. I also gave up hope quite awhile ago~~~

[@chayo4537]

What's up with the glamorization of these so-called relationships. Yuck

[@heathercashwell1003]

Stayed a lifetime! 26 years thinking it would be better for my kids who are now grown & see our relationship for what it is and I found out he was cheating and still can’t leave. It’s so hard for me to believe that I can trust that I can make it alone. Fear guilt & the unknown is overwhelming 😢

[@carolynmetayer9701]

Yup….that’s exactly what I did, I can’t take anymore I found make pic on his phone when he knows I have his password…he’s an awful individual!

[@MegaRose1958]

That's a long time to be with someone! I was with my ex for a little over five years and I am so Thankful to be out of that Toxic mess!! I do have a PTO in place . He has violated it and I have gone back to the police precinct. I just hope he continues to stay away.

[@dianacallea3723]

Dear me, I stayed far too long: at first 20 so-called lovely years in a cult of two followed by 16 awful years of serial cheating and denial and gaslighting. But as you rightly say... I couldn't believe it: the shame, the addiction, and the fear of abandonment all supported my belief that I needed to collect data!!! Now, I am separated, at 65, trying not to feel loneliness as a source of self blame, I am managing to flourish at my own pace.... Thank you so much for your dedication to helping others heal from this emotional abuse.

[@stephanieschulze179]

I remember thinking that I would not be as lonely as being with the narc for the rest of my life! My future was going to be mine & better - NOT HIS GRUMBLY BAD END. I did not know what this was but knew by experience what it was all about and came to the correct decisions on my own. Thank you for giving me the name and info for what I knew all along.

[@Kristyangela888]

I stayed 25 years too long. I didn’t understand that he was a narcissist or what that meant until 24 years into our marriage. The part that hurts most is the hurt it caused my daughter, who is grown now. 😢 I’m close to finally getting out. Everything is too expensive where we live.

[@tracysmith5735]

Too expensive

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

same here. guilt for what i brought my biological children into. I'm planning my escape. Financial more than anything in my world.

[@heathercashwell1003]

Thanks for sharing. 26yrs here grown kids & knowing all that I know I’m still struggling to leave. $$$ & for all of these reasons. Fear guilt & money 🙏 for all of us

[@chayo4537]

Everybody keeps giving the same excuse. :oh I didn't have the knowledge. I wasn't aware" like ok you already knew. But even you didn't which you most likely did. What's your excuse now. ?

[@bleehlh]

My relationship lasted a little over 3 years total with staying 2 years longer than I should have. Countless breakups, was thrown in jail and charged with felony charges after she lied to the police when we had a domestic issue. I stupidly pursued again her after all that with the "hope" syndrome. 2 years of torture, abuse, trauma, etc. Never ONCE did she fight for us. It was always me chasing her, apologizing to her. She treated me like complete crap and I accepted it. She gaslighted me into thinking I deserved it. No empathy, sympathy, consideration, understanding, humility, etc... I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I thank God for your channel because I was struggling to make sense of it all. Finally now I have validation for my gut feelings I had all along thanks to you. Like you said, I kept tricking myself to think that things would change and be better, come to find out that I was literally insane for thinking that. Thank you so much for the work you do!

[@amberorm1273]

Guilt holds the person captive and shackled much more than isolation in handcuffs and leg irons ever could. The person feels guilt if he/she is not perpetually feeling guilty about one thing or another.

[@johannalackie6638]

I was not aware!!! I had no idea what a narcissist was. I came from a good family! 20 years, until I saw how it was affecting my child. That’s all I needed. 😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫 i always thought I could help him be happy, it was just stress. Absolutely had no idea, until I saw your videos. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 thank you for everything you do, it will help to hear your words and explanations always. ❤

[@michellestephenson9349]

Sounds so familiar ❤️💯

[@karenstengel2746]

Dr. Ramani, Thank you for your talks! The information you provide is so valuable. I was married to a narcissist and involved with him for 12 years. I am so thankful to be away from the craziness! It was either very good, bad, or awful. There was a point in couples therapy where I thought I was talking meanly to the narcissist about a problem in the relationship. He grabbed both of my hands at that point in a pleading way. I broke out of his grip. Immediately I heard the phrase in my head from the movie Labyrinth, “You don’t have any power over me”. It was such a revelation to me! The person walked out of the counseling session and didn’t return. Then at the end of the session after the narcissist left, I told the counselor I felt that I had been mean, she said I hadn’t been mean at all. Again, I am so thankful for the information you provide. It is helping me heal after 20 plus years of being away from the narcissist.

[@PassionateFlower]

Don't you just love when you're talking to your narcissistic golden child sibling and in defense of your narcissistic parent they just call the abuse a "parenting style"😂?!

[@brynnleapierce5600]

You ask we list some of the reasons for staying at ck/trapped before I left: 1) my empathy for him 2) endless hope things would change 3) Loyalty & Love 4) lack of knowledge (then) who & what he was (my disbelief) 5) guilt for leaving him 6) not believing in myself enough, but instead my believing his lies

[@-Mitra-]

Seven "sins" that keep you stuck to the narcissist: 1:00 - Guilt (feeling guilty of doing smth wrong) 4:45 - Hope (that it will get better) 6:15 - Fear (of unknown/of future without usual "safe space/people"/of being alone) 9:20 - Curiosity (of what's going to happen next). Often intersects with stubborness and often fueled by hope. 11:35 - Lack of knowledge (about narcissism and other forms of abuse. It is often difficult to absorb this knowledge and to make changes afterwards). 15:05 - "Staying at the party" (because people have FOMO and don't like the idea of leaving too soon). 22:41 - Magical thinking (future-faking that if one makes a wish/doesn't do or say certain things, something will happen including changes in the narcissistic relationships).

[@mrsimo7144]

It's people like you that help the whole YT population. Thank you ❤

[@-Mitra-]

@@mrsimo7144 thank you 🤗🧡

[@mrsimo7144]

@@-Mitra- Right back at you! ❤️

[@AdindaQ]

🙏🏻

[@yukio_saito]

Thank you for making the tracklist.

[@brynnleapierce5600]

I'm now 67yo, the knowledge, insights & language I've gained started 3 years ago. Now I have such clarity because once you've gone through the sobering experience, you reach that level of understanding & can no longer “unsee” it. The process of finding the exit from what felt like the Abyss opens up a world of possibilities with a new skill set you never believed could be attained.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

The hope, guilt and self doubt from myself and others with a misplaced sense of loyalty and obligation totally kept me stuck and made me ‘hang in there’. Plus sometimes stuck because of life and financial issues. Learning to give myself permission have boundaries and to leave much quicker when it feels toxic and like I need to for my well being. Thank you. ❤

[@annettemoorshead7019]

I cannot thank you enough for the continued education, clarity, and reality check on exactly what we deal with and have long dealt with! I cannot express to what degree your knowledge, wisdom, and insights are needed and appreciated, in order to keep us grounded in the reality of all of this!!

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Ha yep the self blame path is awful. Especially when people close to you also blame you. It’s so messed up. So grateful for this channel and this community. Thank you. ❤😊

[@kathanson584]

Hi Dr. Ramani, How about 27 years too long with a supposed friend - not even a spouse or family member which I feel is more understandable (just my opinion). There were red flags that were on fire - I just kept on taking it. I have finally learned a lesson that I should have learned decades ago. Better late than never? How about, wake up and smell the coffee? I was so angry - at myself, not even the supposed friend - for staying so long. A lesson learned but absolutely will not be forgotten. If it looks and sounds like a duck, get the quack out of there. Regards and blessings to all. K

[@kittymama9800]

Sometimes I think it IS ok to "hold grudge" on these kinda people. Like having seen who they are and unseeing it

[@carolinechadarevian115]

All reasons are exactly what made me stay and knowledge and awareness helped me leave after 29 years ... i stayed tooo long just to make sure no regret ... thank you Dr. Ramani

[@azurea0587]

#3 Fear. I'm finally learning that not having my narcissistic siblings in my life is no worse than having them in my life because they never provided the emotional support or reciprocity that I needed anyway. In fact, keeping contact with them to the bare minimum is the healthier thing to do because at least I won't be disappointed when, yet again, not only are they not there for me, but they also go out of their way to invalidate me. Is stepping away scary? Yes. But remaining in a hurtful, invalidating relationship is scarier. Sadly, I've really got nothing to lose.

[@lisbethsalander1723]

well communicated... thank you.

[@azurea0587]

@@lisbethsalander1723 I must add that it's not the best feeling realizing that your siblings might have acted at times as though they loved you (with breadcrumbing [see Dr. Ramani's video on this one] and superficial displays) but they really never did because they are all about themselves. As the youngest, I knew nothing else, so I grew up hoping this was love and searching for the signs but being continually disappointed. It's hard to accept the reality but at least now, thanks to Dr. Ramani, I know what that reality is. I'm also lucky to have the support and understanding of a loving spouse.

[@lisbethsalander1723]

@@azurea0587 OMG, I am the youngest daughter and knew nothing else. Being continually disappointed with sibling with everything interaction, at this time for practical financial reasons. Thanks for your kind reply

[@azurea0587]

@@lisbethsalander1723 we have some things in common! I'm so sorry that you, too, had narcissitic siblings. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Thanks to Dr. Ramani for bringing people together who have shared similar abuse so they can begin to heal. I knew that what I'd experienced was wrong, but I never knew HOW wrong. I always suspected that it was ME who was doing something wrong. Seeing Dr. Ramani's videos has helped me so much and I hope it has helped you too.

[@amberinthemist7912]

I feel this is what held me in as well. The fear that I'd be worse off without them. And life has been very hard. Then covid hit and they caused a conflict and I went NC. And then my immediate family did ok during covid, so well in fact that we were in a position to help other people like neighbors and give to food banks etc. I then realized that my sibling has always needed me more than I need them. Being constantly disrespected and used was no longer something I needed to put up with.

[@lservin14]

I stayed 43 years and I am still sort of in it even though getting divorced. I still spend a lot of time with him for all the reasons you have covered. It’s hurt all of those around me but I’m finding it very difficult to let go. I keep holding on.

[@trulysensitive5620]

Same with me.

[@tiffanym1108]

The only relationship I am holding on to is the relationship with my son who shows traits and has been raised by his narc dad during his teenage years. But he's 18 and I'm curious about how he will grow. But if he is still treating women like crap after he matured, I'm gone. Radical acceptance.

[@lesliekendrick742]

I left a 23 year marriage with who I felt like was a narcissist. I am now peaceful. I have so many friends. Amazing children. I never feel alone. I have no desire to date or have a relationship. That thought is frightening. But I will be okay. I still have healing to do I know. But I am much happier!! Sooooo much happier ☺️

[@runepoor4711]

Haha you got me on the curiosity one. I have a bad habit of poking at narcissists to see what kind of strange reactions I get. I am usually aware of it thought and leave when I feel I've learned what I can.

[@MorganaM.]

Dr. Ramani hits the jackpot again! The guilt and fear kills me in this relationship.

[@Subspace._tripmine]

Me! Even after seeing very selfish narc behavior, I stuck around and I kept thinking...I can't be meeting that many narcs in this lifetime. And in regard to magical thinking. I've seen quite a few young adults doing rituals with crystals, cards and spells because many youtube videos support that kind of thinking.

[@marshallrobinson1019]

If you're trapped in a parental narcissistic relationship, then your perception of others will always be skewed until you're able to free yourself. It hinders personal growth and recognition of one's own narcissistic traits (inherited/learned). So... if you're consistently encountering narcissists, then it may be time to reconsider your source of advice

[@ishmaeldaniels1944]

Sweet listening made me realize my mom will never stop manipulating and pitting family members against each other.thanks

[@Omneyvdwatering]

I have been stuck for almost 50 years. I had a lot of guilt and my narcisistic mother knew it and did her best to pile on some more. Every time i had the hope that i might find the right words to explain to her how i felt (i'm also autistic) but time and time again she just "didn't seem to get it". And I had no idea that it was narcisism. Now i do. now that i have the knowledge (thank you so much!) i'm soon starting therapy to deal with the trauma that she caused my whole life.

[@TheKangaroosteve]

I stayed too long because I had my self esteem broken down

[@chayo4537]

You had none to begin with

[@franceshaggitt3104]

​@@chayo4537 I agree with this. I had none when met him as saw red flags and ignored

[@michiganmymichigan]

Stay, and you will be left with nothing but hope. Radical acceptance is the key to healing. 🧡

[@franceshaggitt3104]

Your right. I can't believe how nasty people can be. My ex....I left for good..and found it hard to accept he's bad news. Then my ex husband was abusive before that. I found it hard to accept how brutal he was. I had to stop going on about them in CBT. But me. How I can change. My parents and siblings narcs too...

[@jacquelineglitter4328]

I love, love being alone. I get to do what I want, buy what I want and eat what I want. Being alone is so powerful. I had to watch your video for my nightly peace of mind. God bless you Dr. Ramani.

[@tictactoedias1908]

Thank you Dr Ramani ❤ Hope is definitely hollow 😢

[@tayriobravo6204]

I’m staying for the finances and insurance ONLY. I would not be able to focus on my kids as much as I do without those two things. He told me I had nowhere to go ( rant, tantrum, cursing me out), and I reminded him that I take care of all the finances, food, and adult responsibilities….so he’s stuck too 😂.

[@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538]

Lack of Knowledge was the one for me - coupled with self-blame (doubt that I deserved better, conviction that I was treated badly because I was boring, not worth spending time with unless I was doing something useful). When you don't know the patterns of behavior AND they are very different than your own, you keep trying to find a pattern based on why YOU would do something BUT that is NOT why the narcissist is doing something, so it never makes sense. Things constantly feel off balance and out of control and frighteningly unpredictable. A person who is supposed to care about you repeatedly shows up late, without a reason or apology. Rather than thinking, I don't show up late because it is unkind to make others wait, so this is unkind, you make excuses - "Oh, they're always late. It doesn't mean anything." or "If I were a better hostess, they'd get here on time. Why am I so boring?" It seems that instead of trying to analyze WHY something is happening, it is better to decide if you are OK with it and if not, talk to the person and give them a chance to work out a solution with you. If they attack you, refuse to work with you, then base your decisions on their behavior - don't tolerate behavior that makes your life worse. They don't show up on time - start without them.

[@chayo4537]

You can tolerate whatever you want it's not the why it's the if you're OK with it.

[@janmal6333]

I stayed at least 4 years too long, for financial reasons mainly. I hated my partner's sense of entitlement, his ability to avoid menial tasks without a conscience, his anger at me and things in general.I didn't know until recently when I found these oh so helpful videos that it had a name. My anger and stress at my situation was directed inwards and resulted in self harming. A situation arose where we came to a mutual decision to sell our house and I told him I wanted to go my own way. Needless to say he was abusive and insulting telling me I was damaged goods and mentally unstable and said he had had enough of me too. Leaving was scary and hard work but better than staying and I am now living alone and getting back control of my own life and I no longer feel the need to self harm.

[@sabr_sabr3]

Thanks for Sharing this beautiful knowledge, I wish this will be thought in Schools . I never knew this until some few weeks ago

[@NimmyGierlinger_88]

I am glad to be not in any of such relationships this is a chaos that noone can need and do want to nesserserly deal with, they done change they never change no matter what and how someone is

[@mrsimo7144]

The odd thing is that I met the ex narc at work. She's a larger lady and I didn't look at her in that way. Then, I fell in. Got ghosted, blamed myself. Hurt more than anything. Then the passive aggressiveness, dismissive, avoidant, the pain and suffering like nothing I have EVER experienced. We split 4 times after the "I'm not putting up with that shit". She was rude to me on the phone and I called her rude. She dumped me. Days later, the stress of it all caused me to have a seizure in December. I text her to tell her. Nothing, she abandoned me. I'm still off work. Lost, but stronger but still perplexed as to how I fell for it. I thought I was the idiot but I'm not. I've read everything I could to understand the Narcissist. Even the DSM manual doctors use to identify NPD etc. To be fair. I feel sorry for her. I'll get over it. She, is stuck with this illness if you will, protecting her very fragile ego. Regardless, she's so unstable and weak. Pathetic and dumb. I'd hate my life to be anything like hers. So, I'm the winner here. Not the losser. Thanks ❤️

[@indraSilentMoonImaginarium]

I hear you- I ended up in hospital at the end of 2021 and when he found out he didn’t come and see me he just told me I was a selfish b*tch and was deserving of nothing good

[@mrsimo7144]

@@indraSilentMoonImaginarium That's disguisting behaviour. Sorry to hear that. Are you better? And are you out of contact with him? 🥰🥰

[@indraSilentMoonImaginarium]

@@mrsimo7144 I ended it in sept then I was hoovered back and discarded a month ago- only today I passed him in the street and he totally blanked me

[@mrsimo7144]

@@indraSilentMoonImaginarium Please, please stay away. I went through the cycle 4 times. Each time I was convinced that it was going to be different. You blame yourself and it's only when you wise up, you realise what a fool you've been. That's the big problem I have now. Love and light to you. And everyone else. ❤️

[@indraSilentMoonImaginarium]

@@mrsimo7144 thank you

[@nv_thalia]

Cant help saying ur videos r xtremely valuable on Narcissism,its describing all my confused abused life of 8 yrs i livd without clarity,thanks a million to u

[@celesterahma7591]

Dr. Ramani you’re amazing!!! I just heard a commercial for your Podcast and I was so happy for you!!! Your knowledge is getting OUT THERE!!!! Congratulations 🎉

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

This hits home hard. I always thought my family was my safe secure support space. Some of them are in ways, but others are not at all. It’s been a rough wake up call. Learning I’m not as incompetent as I thought and I have other real supports. Thank you ❤

[@MegaRose1958]

Thank you Dr. Ramani!! Your video was the first video that came to my phone when I went into hiding and stayed at a hotel after calling the Domestic hotline. I have been No Contact since June 2022. I got at PTO, filed a police report, filed a eviction notice, changed my locks once the PTO was served.

[@myriam3078]

I have been watching your videos for a couple of years. It helped me so much after my narcissistic ex husband and after a narcissistic boyfriend, I found out after 50 years that I have a narcissistic mother and brother. Thank you so much for your wonderful videos and help. 💛

[@christinamichellephotograp8728]

This is deep and authentic. Thank you for validation.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I am totally in the mapping it out phase and seeing the patterns in my life. Hard realities for sure. Painful clarity but helpful to heal and grow stronger. Learning to radically accept and keep making healthy decisions with lots of self care accordingly. Taking little steps each day to get myself on the right path. Thank you ❤

[@mackenzie8042]

Some days are good and some days are bad. I’d like to call this intermittent hell

[@HalfGodHalfDevil2018]

I just want to add that I wrote my comment before scrolling down and reading that someone else had said you deserve a Nobel Peace Price too! You are a brilliant woman.

[@amandapriest9563]

Knowledge is power and those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. I have learned so much from your channel and am so grateful.

[@RFokus]

Thank you, dear Doctor Ramani! For your great work and engagement! You helped me to be comfortable with myself and to accept my situation. There are so many interesting things and people around us. I didnt see them while living 20 years in a constricted little world of my narcissistic husband. You seem to be the only speaker on KZbin, who understands, that to run away from the narcissist can be not possible. My ex violent malignant narcissist hovered me back 4 times!!!! We should be careful with such advices, as to run away. I was not ready for no contact and made very unthoughtful decision to break out. It's better to prepare yourself very good and break out and never come back.

[@sabrinacorrenti3482]

I have such respect for all your hard work dr Ramani ,I had 3 in my life ,my daughter almost killed me and trap me when got pregnant and I help her to raise my grandson and use him like a weapon,tortured me and even accuse me of molesting my grandson.thank you dr Ramani now I have a name for this sickness

[@lisbethsalander1723]

what a painful situation you have endured... hope you are healing and wishing you all the best that life can offer.

[@rfeyman3682]

#8 - You had one or more caregivers who were higher on the narcissistic scale. Very to hard to break the narcissistic programming when it starts at a young age and this kind of insanity seems normal to you.

[@saraalbouji]

I love u Dr Ramani. Your videos always come at the perfect time

[@JJ-mh4xd]

Well said Dr Ramani you are such a wonderful person thank you for this video because I didn't know that all of this was a thing. I was very confused about my ex boyfriend. He was a malignant narcissist and became very abusive and aggressive! My friends were relentless and constantly saying that I needed to leave. I stayed way too long probably 10 years to long my friends said I would regret staying. The day he gave realy violent and i said to myself that he was going to knock my teeth out, I put a plan into place and I left Exactly one year after that! I have NEVER REGRETTED IT!! I stayed 13 years and most of it awful. I left 2 years ago and I still have problems with it! Thank you Dr Ramani.

[@HalfGodHalfDevil2018]

Dr Ramani, you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize! Everything you say is spot on and so deep. I'm glad to be away from my husband now and stayed so long because of every reason you addressed. I have a massive amount of respect for you, thank you.

[@gayleloreno4864]

Yes, it was lack of knowledge and I’m 70

[@MD062010]

my god- i wish you had put these videos out during my first relationship. your videos are so true and I hope it can prevent people from the experience I had. Thank you for doing what you do! OMG--- i stayed almost a year too long. The last time my partner revealed themself to me-- I finally listened. Walking away wasn't easy, but looking back, I cannot imagine what would have happened had I stayed.

[@klemmdrums5876]

Finished your book and reason #5 was a big one for me. Talk about being free.

[@ahagamama]

Dr. Ramani: I love your youtube series. I cannot afford a therapist, but I have a long story here. Listening to you has helped me so much! At age 50, I was ready to leave my narcissistic husband (the second one) after 20 years together. I grew up with a narcissistic father and a mother who sort of enabled him - though she was a victim and she was a caring person. She grew up with some poverty and difficulty and also had the old victorian ideas about women needing a husband and being lucky to have one! I married two narcissists and have always had the outer aloofness and demeanor of a narcissist - and maybe I have been a narcissist, but I don't feel that. I feel that after all the modeling from my father and an aunt whom I spent lots of time with, I have learned to act a certain way that doesn't fit my inner truth. I can remember at age 3 or 4, I made up my mind that my aunt was a person I should stay away from and speak as little as possible around - I had that kind of relationship with my father as well. He had a lot of rage, mostly against females and certainly against me when I was very small. Anyway, I am keeping a journal now, and listening to you. Thank you so much!

[@supernovameditationproject]

Thank you Dr, Ramni. Big hugs! ❤

[@michelleaunchman9753]

Thank you for another reminder!

[@melissasymonds1523]

Not knowing for decades what you were dealing with is another major factor

[@montgomerymahaffey10]

Another reason I think folks get stuck is likely connected to curiosity and not wanting to leave the party too soon - Addiction to Drama. And nobody brings drama more than a narcissist. Granted, it’s exhausting, but I’ve gotten stuck in a drama feedback loop more than once, and it took a lot of work to extricate myself from those dynamics. I was miserable and knew it, so I did the work. It really was as simple as walking away and not engaging. I’m much happier with healthier friendships and an amazing new relationship. But I still have to hold myself in check when the call of drama sounds. Walking away may not create a big story to tell, but I know I protect myself and conserve my energy by doing so. And that is so much more satisfying than getting sucked into an empty drama. Thanks so much for this channel, Dr Ramani.

[@TheLivingVision11]

Number five, this has been so huge for me. I’ve had people throw around the word narcissism when describing my marriage, but I’ve never understood what it really meant. Since listening to these videos, I have had ongoing aha moments, which are so validating. It doesn’t necessarily make it any easier, but it certainly brings clarity and strength.

[@brynnleapierce5600]

I'm astounding the prevalence of Narcissism that exist & yet the majority of our population is utterly blind to it⁉️ Honestly, I use to be one of them, but not anymore! I've become well knowledged on the subject & personal experience that provided my wake-up call! Once you've seen it - you can't unsee it‼️

[@405OKCShiningOn]

dear best doctor and her team, the quality and application of your videos heal me and others. thank you for wonderful presentations, support and agape to you!

[@LarissaSimpson]

So glad you're calling the magical thinking in the last part of the video out! Unfortunately some soulmate/twin flame communities seem to reinforce unhealthy patterns; I have heard things like "if you talk about your person to someone else, the universe can't manifest them correctly." !! While really, not checking in with people about your relationship if you are wondering about whether or not something that's happening is ok can lead someone to isolate themself in an abusive relationship. I understand that the people I check in with about people i'm dating might not always be right about them, but I have started making myself talk about it to people if I have questions.

[@user-wm8jc9rv2m]

I stay tooooooo long but when I am gone there is no way to get me turning back!!!! Thank you doctor! You have helped me enormously!

[@aloemua9181]

All I can say is bless you so much thank you so much for your consistency and your diligence AND your consideration for victims or those who unaware, you are truly amazing. Much love from NYC 💚🥰.

[@ralphstadler7373]

Another great video!@ Thank you and may God Bless you!!! So glad I finally ended it with my Ex after 7 years!!!

[@psarmijo5256]

I was 55 before I realuzed my mother was narcissistic. I looked at a pic of me as a child, as you suggested & remembered my mother left me in a tree crying to go get a camera after laughing at me, to take a pic. My mother is almost 90 years old & she's played chicken with me three times. She's only gotten worse & now I know she'll never change. Thank You for the advice.

[@jacquelineglitter4328]

I hope my mother doesn't live to be 90. Those evil people live long because they have no concern for anything.

[@erikawithee]

Thank you so much for these videos they have helped me so much see what was happening around me especially being very vulnerable

[@jigneshpt1]

Absolutely Dr. Ramani. Hope and curiosity seem two sides of the same coin. Fear adds to the fire of hope that something will change and curiosity will never let the hope die. Thanks for other interesting facts about Narcissistic relationships. Finally, if nothing works, a person starts believing childish beliefs like magical thinking - completely insane hopes of some magic will happen. A true guy will completely turn into madness after suffering years in Narc Relationships. A journey from guilt-hope-fear-curiosity to madness.

[@charles5272]

Thank you so much for your great Gift

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

Planning my escape right now. Big blow up 5 weeks ago. We separated and I saw just what a vile person he was gonna be. I lured him back, just to get my ducks in a row. Ex. important documents which he took, moved money out of our bank accounts. He showed me the REAL self behind the mask. I'm gonna make sure I'm ready. Got my therapist behind me, thank goodness. Wish me luck.

[@Rickettsia505]

Good for you!

[@macnchessplz]

It’s a terrifying situation to realize someone you have spent time (especially significant time) living your life with doesn’t have the slightest problem seeing you completely destroyed. To the point of taking documents necessary to obtain a place to live, medical treatment, some sort of money to fill up your vehicle or buy a bus ticket. Or even simply give you a ride to a safe place or to people who will help you or give you shelter for a time until you can manage doing it on your own. The realization of that’s how little they care. They don’t do split ups well, it seems.And don’t mind you being at a serious disadvantage. I wish you all the luck in the world. To get out of this intact .

[@kathywhite3370]

I was definitely doing all of those things but knowledge is power. Understanding myself changed my expectations.

[@pat-5262]

Hi. You hit the nail on the head e everytime I listen to you. I'm afraid. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I stayed too long I know the gaslighting I know the mind games now since you opened my eyes. I don't want to lose the family home. It makes me feel sick when I realise I have been blind for so long and so unloved for 30years. I thought maybe I could stick it out but it's killing me.

[@rturney6376]

Very good 👍