7 Signs an Avoidant Is Using You 🚩💔

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@alaia-awakened]

Exhaustion. Utter exhaustion is the proof you’re being used. Intentional or unintentional doesn’t matter.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You’re so right-whether intentional or not, the impact is the same. Recognizing that exhaustion is such an important step toward protecting yourself.

[@rajatpal1019]

True. 💯

[@belindaclevenger4759]

I got a 5/7. I'm 55 years old and have never encountered an avoidant until 1.5 years ago. It astounds me that an intelligent, experienced person would use someone like he used me. Like I let him I guess. I just didn't know people like this existed since I have a secure attachment and generally have been surrounded by good, caring people and relationships. I was devastated when he left with no explanation after coming back the first time. It's been six months now. Now instead of good memories, I see him as just not a good person in general. Not kind, selfless, really no good qualities. A user. I'm glad he left like he did looking back. I'm a wiser person now and I see him for what he is, not what I thought he was.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s heartbreaking to experience that kind of betrayal, but it sounds like you’ve gained so much wisdom and clarity. Wishing you continued healing.

[@SleeperSoul]

7/7 I’m cooked

[@esthero1994]

😂😂😂 your not the only one 🤦‍♀️

[@sadiqua7]

Same..but he’s now an ex. I knew he wasn’t for me, tried leaving him 3x and he convinced me to stay. Went out of his way to meet my mom all the while knowing he wasn’t putting me on ice until he got his finances together. He really thought I didn’t notice he wasn’t broke smh. Would’ve stayed if he was able to be real with me. His insecurities made him self sabotage

[@nova12332]

😂

[@lextalklight]

😂😂😂 oh love....

[@ncalcocer]

😂 not your situation but the response, I felt the same way.

[@danieldonovan7166]

It seems we need to avoid the avoident. Been there and it was a very painful experience once the truth is out. Sending the highest healing vibes to those who are experiencing it.

[@dandanut5409]

Late-night calls from dismissive avoidants may arise from several factors: Loneliness: Despite their preference for independence, dismissive avoidants can experience feelings of loneliness or nostalgia, especially during quiet hours when they are alone with their thoughts. This can lead them to reach out to past partners or friends for connection. Emotional Suppression: Dismissive avoidants often suppress their emotions during the day, focusing on tasks and maintaining their self-reliance. However, late at night, when distractions are minimal, they may find themselves reflecting on past relationships or unresolved feelings. Idealization: During these late-night moments, they might idealize past relationships, recalling positive memories that contrast with their current emotional state. This idealization can prompt them to initiate contact as a way to reconnect with those feelings.

[@kcr331]

And then they reach out and if they successfully connect, do they run really hot and then go cold a few weeks later but continue to tell you nothing has changed and they are still into you?

[@sandrachipeta7960]

Got all seven points. He also ghosted me.

[@af-rv7le]

Yep. I got the same thing. Been blocked for weeks. What a blessing .

[@luci8817-r]

I just want to leave a small comment regarding the 'dates.' I'm FA and my DA ex was (tried to be) pretty serious about us for two long years. But we VERY rarely went on any dates. Maybe once every 3-4 months. Otherwise we hung out at home. We were neighbors and both very introverted INTPs, if that means anything, so I would usually just go to his place. Going out wasn't our highest priority. I know this is unconventional, but maybe it's worth mentioning.

[@zlatkajupe]

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but I think maybe you're trying to justify his low effort behavior because you can go on dates and not be around people. He could take you for a car ride, a picnic, there are all kinds of things you could do other than hang out at their place or yours.

[@r_and_a]

@@zlatkajupe i'm not trying to hurt your feelings but i think maybe you're trying to justify your prejudice that "avoidants are cruel" because you can clearly see op said they were *"both* very introverted INTPs" & "going out wasn't *our* highest priority" - if op wanted to go on a car ride, pincnic, etc they also could've initiated it & didn't indicate any displeasure with the lack of "dates" 🤨 i'm also an FA & very introvered inFp who *prefers* "low effort"/low pressure relaxing with dear ones rather than "dates"

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That’s such a unique perspective-thank you for sharing. Every relationship has its own rhythm, and understanding what works for both people is key.

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

Watching this video made me realize just how naive many people can be in the dating world. Vetting is so important and there are some things you should never agree to. For example, I've never called a woman back if she flakes on a date. I remember one time I got reservations for a date I made and the woman "forgot," texting me 45 minutes after she was supposed to be there. I went ahead and ordered my food and it was actually pretty good (I had never been to this particular restaurant before). When we bumped into each other several weeks later, she told me she was so sorry she forgot and I simply told her, "no worries, the food was fantastic!" Something else I don't do in the dating stage is accept last minute plans, answer texts, phone calls after 7pm, or see them more than once a week. I also don't see them on weekends, as that's the time I spend to meet other women. These strategies always helped me weed out the ones that were actually worth my time. Great video!

[@r_and_a]

almost skipped your comment as thought might be another "new leaf" for "bulldog" but even the 1st few words confused me as they seemed so reasonable 🤣 by the 1st sentence of the 2nd paragraph i recognized it must be you i respect your clear boundaries, just want to note those of us with adhd &/or other issues truly do forget things like that 🥴 doesn't mean others must make exceptions to their rules if they're uninterested, just wanted to note it *can* be legit sometimes i'm auDHD with c-ptsd & always had a bad memory in general 🙃 my DA partner initially was confused & concerned times i'd have no recollection of things but now they get it's a real struggle of mine & we've adapted to it (for example, if i'd agreed to a date with someone i'd have a million alarms with reminders set to help ensure i stay on track & don't just flake 😉 also i literally put notes about their schedule on *my* calendar, etc - thank goodness for smart phones!) appreciate you sharing your perspective, as usual 💜

[@Brinaweenahwoo]

I totally agree. I don't accept any type of flakiness in a first date. It's really like a job interview. You never get a second time to make a first impression.

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

@@r_and_a haha, yeah it's me Sifu Black. I'm waiting for the REAL Bulldog's triggered response. 😂 But yeah, I understand there's exceptions to this role. I dated (and eventually was in a relationship with) someone with ADD and I know people can get "lost" in their schedules. I'm just speaking on it as a general rule. Also, kudos to you for recognizing the problem and taking measures to fix it for yourself! Few will ever do that! 👍🏿

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

@@Brinaweenahwoo agreed. It also says a lot about an individual's character. It's what I never get into the "who pays" debate because I can get my money back. However, my time is something I can't get back, so I take offense to those who waste it.

[@LiaVargas-p8r]

I’ll admit that I have flaked on a first date. It was genuinely because I was scared since I already knew the guy a little bit and I was really nervous. In addition, something felt off, and I found out later why. I also told him a couple days before that I wasn’t sure we should be going on a date so it wasn’t like I did it the day of. I think we just needed to be friends first, rather than jump into a relationship. Otherwise, all other relationships I’ve been really solid and like to be there for everyone. And although many may think this may be dumb - I felt God telling me not to date this person. So I guess it’s not always just personal reasons.

[@LiyahThrones]

Mine was a blend of all of it… He said he loved me and asked if we were a thing. But also cancelled opportunities to meet (long distance) and one time only with a 24h notice to go see him. Introduction of family members very early on (facetime) but friends never.

[@derekazyan9942]

3/7 and she dumped me twice for the same narcissistic dentist. Absolutely insanity

[@MarkoKraguljac]

4:10 How is "date" (as in toxic Hollywood movies) better than spending time doing something together? Is it important for others to see you? Is it about spending money? What is it?

[@zlatkajupe]

I can't believe I ever accepted this behavior from men. Makes me sad for younger me. Now I'd rather be alone and dry up than deal with men like this.

[@THEYOGAFACE]

1/2 out of 7. Still ended it .

[@Twighlight333]

Well its been 4 weeks that i went NC and this video here helped me stay NC because one thing i despise is my time being wasted with lies

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Going no contact can be so hard, but recognizing your worth and staying true to your boundaries is so powerful.

[@AABTBS]

''I hope you enjoyed this video''... hmm no I did not, not at all... 7/7 which is not a surprise. the questions are - how do I feel I deserve better? how to learn to hope there is more for me after years of being alone? how to not accept crumbs like this guy is giving me when I am touch-starved? how to feel like I am entitled to ask for my needs to be met even in a situationship like this? big questions, sad questions

[@r_and_a]

you're in luck! there's lots of info here & even more at pds directly on those topics so i'd suggest focussing on your own attachment style to ansewer those questions 💜 best wishes with your personal development journey!

[@Simplesimple123]

Also look at shame as a core feeling perhaps ? Healing the Shame that binds you , is a good book for this and listening to some of Brene Brown. It’s a core feeling for a lot of s that accept bad behaviour and bread crumbs from others. You deserve the best and I wish you best x

[@cecilang9721]

This list identifies people making booty calls. That’s not a relationship. I don’t know if it’s a special DA thing but it’s definitely someone who doesn’t want to build a committed relationship.

[@MilesIncognito]

yeah I am not even sure this is about avoidants! this is about people who are just trying to hook up. like there are no signs in this list that the person actually wants a relationship.

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

Those were my thoughts. Everything presented here seem to SCREAM 🍑 call.

[@AABTBS]

For me it screams SITUATIONSHIP to a tee

[@ticketforepic4429]

Might I remind people that context matters. I'm definitely avoidant and have been seeing a woman for about 6 months and she has met none of my friends but in the same breath, I haven't seen my friends irl in well over 2 months either. As for dates? I don't much like to leave my house and property, but I will cook meals, share evenings outside by fires, play games and parallel play with the best of them. Anyway, food for thought.

[@r_and_a]

thanks for sharing your perspective! this was actually one of the most disappointing vids i've seen from pds especially as i remember her previously discussing how private DAs tend to be & that often extends to others they have relationships with (friends, relatives, co-workes, etc) which was reassuring for me (FA) re my partner (DA) my adult child's a DA & has always been quite private about their relationships - not just with me, lol, often their own friends know nothing about each other as they also don't like to leave home so tend to primarily connect over phone or one-on-one vs multiple people at once. both my child & partner have said it's about respecting others my adult child's auDHD & suspect my partner's on the spectrum so that likely plays a part for them but afaik they're common DA traits in general & i personally find framing it as an indication one's being "used" as rather problematic along with this whole video especially as it didn't note just wanting different things doesn't mean one's being "used"

[@myunfilteredtruths3338]

Thank you for sharing your perspective and how you feel/ and experience relationships or love. My question is though if you get with someone and they are outgoing and like to do things do you ever consider making compromises to go on real dates and go out and do things? The reason I ask is because it seems to be very unfair to only be concerned about your wants and needs and never take the other person's into consideration. And if a person knows they are incompatible leave them alone and go on with your life instead so many will ACT like they are into things or something they are not. Or never willing to make compromises while expecting the other person to essentially lower their standards and settle for less than what they deserve. Not saying that is what you are doing. I am speaking from my personal experience.. Which now does not matter lmao because I am never DATING or pursuing romantic partnerships again. I have wasted enough time in my life on that bs. I rather focus on my platonic and familial relationships. Focus on healing and bettering myself and reaching my own goals single and happy.

[@justafua]

4.5/7. And I’m just tired.

[@user-lx4uk5un7s]

This is a great video...Oddly enough I've experienced this with what I believe are avoidant friends, who seem to have been hurt by something I did and yet won't tell me, even when I ask them. I've seen it with an FA I dated in the past.

[@julianmartinez6369]

If she / he is using us intentionnaly, is he / she not a narcissist ?

[@WrittenMysteries]

The definition of narcissist it not simply using people.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Not necessarily. Avoidance and narcissism can look similar but are rooted in different needs and fears. It’s all about context and intention.

[@julianmartinez6369]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you

[@MarisolDiaz-il3cf]

I was very secure when I first met him then as the months went by I couldn’t quite shake or my body was trembling internally. Finally walked away even with the pain as excruciating as it is I have never had anyone break my spirit and I’m gonna work on myself and I’ll get past this. I couldn’t even express myself and tell him how I felt because he just avoided it like a plague.😢

[@dandanut5409]

I'm sorry hugs. you didn't deserve that

[@Eyedocsri]

7/7 with my DA wife of 16yrs and two kids😮

[@MrBrendanmaher]

good to know only one of this she did ok make me feel a little better

[@BenjaminSmith-UofSC2023]

If they blocked you a month after discarding you and then have subtly sent stuff every few months for a year now. Is it more likely that it was real?

[@SWRDFSH3850]

Unfortunately pain is the best teacher

[@HindsightFPV]

Yup just went through this over the holidays. The first month was great and then somehow I was controlling and my expectations were too much. LOL I CHANGED NOTHING! I have never been more confused in my life. She was truly awesome for a month but that was it, I can't do all that over and over it became exhausting. It became very apparent that I was a booty call..... That's cool except words didn't match actions. Maybe not a full 7/7 but only because a couple things I rated as half points.

[@tarkov_6]

Yup. I was told texting them 2-3 times a month and inviting them to things once a month was asking for "Too much". Needless to say they no longer get to have my name on their friend list due to other things on top of that.

[@HindsightFPV]

@@tarkov_6 I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's mind blowing once you realize what's happening. Unfortunately what happened to you was probably the best outcome, no point in wasting more time than you need to.

[@amyandpatlambert3532]

I always appreciate these videos! But why is all of the info directed at those dating and none towards us that are married to a DA? Recently figured out that our “marriage issues” are due to my husband being a DA. The last 16 years have been crazy and hurtful!!!!

[@philipcrocker]

1 out of 7.

[@RaptorFPV]

Mine did.

[@mysticalmultiverse]

Oh you'll know. Your gut and their actions will tell you. I've learned to no longer believe what someone is telling me but watch what they're showing me. "I like you a lot" means NOTHING. Nothing! You aren't the only one he likes and if he's not treating you well or committing then bye bye. Also add inconsistent communication, texting you back and forth quickly all day one day and then going cold and ignoring your texts for days or weeks after. Mixed signals that leave you feeling confused and never ending excuses followed with "i like you!" "I'm very interested in you". Uh, what? 😂

[@fifarl5764]

It's so frustrating because there is actually not 1 sign out of the 7 that my ex had. The only problem was that she couldn't express her emotions and be vulnerable with me... she broke up with me after 2years. I reached out on month 3 of no contact and her heart was still solid as a rock, showed no emotions. Probably still in relief phase? I don't know

[@beckym8245]

No one will know but her tbh. Could she have ASD? Whatever it is, it sounds like you are best off focusing on healing yourself rather than trying to work her out for too much longer.

[@fifarl5764]

@beckym8245 wow that could be true actually, but how do you spot the difference between ASD and avoidant attachment style?

[@NathanMiller-p3o]

This list isn’t 100% cause I knew her 9 years dated for 3 gave her a ring, that’s when everything changed don’t worry folks at some point as your sucked in they start to drop the ball no matter how long you “think” you know them

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

Dating sucks lol talking about the future could be love bombing future faking. Not talking about the to future could mean they're using you. Ughhhhhh

[@zeebucie1875]

True hey😂

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It can feel so confusing when every action seems like it has a hidden meaning. The key is figuring out what aligns with your needs and trusting your instincts.

[@Animelover1234-af]

for the longest time, i thought being magnetic was something you either had or didn’t. i used to watch others shine while i felt stuck. then i found Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki, and it made me realize it’s all about the vibe you give off. chapter 3 especially changed the way i carry myself-it’s such a powerful shift.

[@linnie14]

TROLL.

[@martiboxwell9680]

Great video.

[@NISHU-74-z2s]

if you’ve ever felt like no one notices you, trust me, i get it. i felt like that for years, trying all the confidence hacks and advice out there. but nothing clicked until i read Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki. there’s something about chapter 3-it’s like the missing puzzle piece i didn’t know i needed.

[@linnie14]

TROLL

[@WrittenMysteries]

How is this different from any other person using you?

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

@@WrittenMysteries not that much different at all. 🤷🏿‍♂️

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

Right.

[@janicealkire4076]

Omg 7 iut of 6😂

[@declanadams9825]

dated her for over a year, met friends met family hung out all the time then she randomly said it wasn't working out anymore after i asked why i was blocked on tiktok (she did that after a previous argument over her damaging my truck with a water bottle) few weeks later i apologized for smothering her a bit during the last few months of the relationships and she said she needs to figure out what she wants so I'm pretty confused honestly, we were very close the 4 days leading up to the sudden breakup felt like everything was going great, she also blamed me for everything and got mad i didn't want to accept friendship. not sure what to do now really feels like she doesn't care about me or what we shared, she sent me a drunk text also saying she feels trapped in relationships, weve had on and off communication over about 5 weeks and I'm thinking no contact is my only other option now

[@anthonyc5039]

0/7 and I still got discarded right when things were getting serious after a few months.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It’s heartbreaking when things end suddenly, especially when you thought they were going well. You deserve someone who can meet you halfway.

[@lilfade10k]

Yeah u definitely the DA how u think about things

[@sy_car_lover_4101]

ever feel like you’re the one no one notices, no matter what you do? i’ve been there. i tried all the advice out there, but nothing stuck until i read Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki. the insights in chapter 3 blew my mind-it taught me how to let my energy do the talking before i even say a word.

[@Vollbio3]

1,2,3,4,6,7 got 6 of 7

[@chocoborider87]

Do avoidants even have real friends?

[@r_and_a]

yes

[@dandanut5409]

no

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

Yes

[@dandanut5409]

not a real friendship , the avoidant just leeches there

[@dandanut5409]

They are acquaintances.. no one regards them as a true dependable intimate friend. They seem to be like the outcast of the group. Sometimes they ll leech unrequested to suck the energy. Draining people. We had a guy like that in our group.

[@Brinaweenahwoo]

I'm a healing avoidant and a person I'm dating said, "I'd like you to text more." I said, "I'm not really a texter." They said, "Okay, i will adjust my expectations" !!! I said, "No! You really shouldn't do that. Don't change your needs for anyone, even me! You deserve a person who gives you the connection you seek. I like you but don't think i can give you what you need..." "Oh no, it's fine. I think we're perfect for each other..." 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ PS. I did break things off.

[@r_and_a]

i think it's great to be honest about what you can offer & respect others' needs 💜 have you heard thais discuss the difference between sacrificing & taking others into consideration? your example reminded me of that & it's been helpful for me (FA) when evaluating things with my partner (DA) so hope you don't mind my sharing our circumstances are kinda weird as started out long distance fwb sort of thing so i'd known for a while my connection needs are stronger than theirs & really considered that before pursuing more with them but i trust them more than i ever have anyone & it's easy for me to get connection needs from friends for me, "adjusting my expectations" was a way of taking them into "consideration" not a "sacrifice" & frankly it's helped me grow more securely attached as i can tend to over-invest in too small of a support system so their predisposition naturally encourages me to build & maintain more connections anyways, not saying that would've been the case in your situation, just know earlier on my now partner had said similar things to me which is why we were just fwb to start & tbf, they were right at that time! it's been thanks to pds that i better understand each of us & how to actually attempt a healthy partnership 😊 wish you similar success!

[@atmodlee]

Wouldn’t a healthier way be to compromise? You give a little, they give a little.

[@deeeboo-]

Hmm🤔 are you really healing your childhood wounds when you're just being your usual self? It's awesome that you're aware, but you should do the work in becoming a better person, rejecting people because you can't give them what they need is not good either. Having the mindset of, "ok, I'm struggling here, but little by little, I'll TRY to change." And you could be honest about it to this other person, to see if they're up to accompany you in your path of becoming a better person, a better partner.

[@r_and_a]

@@deeeboo- they *were* honest - they said they're not much of a texter & it's not inherently better to be a texter 🙄 seems *you* should work on *your* own personal development instead of judging others &/or acting like you speak on behalf of *all* FAs 🤨

[@myunfilteredtruths3338]

@@atmodlee THIS like at some point you have to stop acting like a little kid and grow up. You are not going to always get your way, welcome to adulthood. Everything is not about you. Being selfish yet wanting a relationship with someone else is ridiculous to me. It is not going to hurt you to TEXT some times. Yall rather let go potential love interest instead of doing the work to heal and be a better person. At least in the situation the person was UPFRONT and honest.....instead of leading people on and acting like you are with it and your not.

[@csg45001]

2 1/2 out of 7???!

[@r_and_a]

wow... one of the most disappointing vids i've seen here... not only did it fail to reinforce how different of timelines DAs operate on but i remember how reassuring *previous* content addressing #6 in particular was as DAs tend to be incredibly private & how that especially applies to integrating different relationships they have 🥴 i also find it *incredibly* problematic to reinforce the trope DAs "use" others without reinforcing wanting different things &/or not being on the same page does *not* mean one is being "used" as it seems *many* (myself admittedly previously included) will engage with DAs who do *not* want more in hopes they'll change, etc the end result of re-evaluating a relationship might ultimately be the same regardless of how you frame it; however i believe this video enables those unhappy with DAs to blame them & adds to the unfairly overly-negative stereotyes many have about DAs none of which truly helps anyone with their personal development imo fwiw, my DA & i (FA) both probably would've had non-zero scores on here before but neither one of us were ever "using" the other & now we're both at 0 partly because of the understanding & tools gained here 💜 i really hope this isn't indicative of a differnet direction things are headed in as seems most other AT resources already push these narratives

[@donnamklein3900]

5/7

[@Kinteresting]

Sup y’all how’s everybody’s evening? ☺️

[@dandanut5409]

I think this is a bit far fetched. If they are more than mildly avoidant chances are you 5,6/7 , if they are severely avoidant all 7. though I don't get the late night calling thing =)) .. why would they do that esp if they didn't even go on a date? it's not like they are calling for a booty call and willing to go with it.. so I guess this would mean most avoidants (DAs) use you =))