7 Signs of Emotional Neglect in Marriage | Sharmen Kimbrough

[@tryagainagain]

I would love to hear advice on how to escape the vicious circle of need neglect, ie. "Husband ignores me emotionally but still expects sex. I'm literally, physically incapable of that because of the contempt I feel from him. He takes that as denying him and uses it as an excuse for ignoring me...etc." And round and round we go.

[@teresarenee3829]

It is what it is. I am lucky mine wants nothing to do with me sexually....

[@susancosgrove5010]

Someone once said a woman needs to be loved before sex and a man feels loved after sex. I think what is often forgotten though is intimacy can take place on many different levels as well as the bedroom. Feeling safe, valued and loved has to be the starting point. Your dilemma sounds exhausting....I do wish you well 💜

[@JuliaKDenbo]

I understand that. Started separation after yet another argument and demeaning, critical comments. But he still expected sex and could not see what he did wrong! Then told others everything would be fine if I just 'settled down and apologized.'....

[@bronwynsimons7028]

My heart breaks for you dear friend 😢 I just want to cry with you. It's just so pointless to even try to make them understand

[@LiveFound]

That is an extremely common scenario!! Way too involved to answer here, because it's not as simple as cut your losses and run. Want to schedule a session with me?

[@amandineminer6680]

I love the ball analogy. In some cases, you can be sending a ball and they send back a different one. Completely invalidating you by ignoring the ball you sent in the first place.

[@arabianprincess888]

Yes I can’t believe I’ve dealt with this for 3 years almost so that I’ve begun to expect this response from everyone now. It’s truly depressing

[@LiveFound]

Yes! That is a great analogy of always playing by one's own rules and no one else's matter.

[@msvalarnett]

I pass the ball & he watches it pass ..doing nothing

[@annabanzon313]

I don't quite understand the ball analogy. Can someone pls explain?

[@jaj4706]

@@annabanzon313 it’s a type of deflection and is dismissive. So let’s say you mention that you’re worried about the kids safety because they lost the house keys so want a new door lock and then be responds by saying you’re needy or he responds by saying what are having for dinner or speaking of kids Bobby needs a haircut can you book it. The point I’m trying to make is you don’t really get acknowledgment that your concern was heard. Let alone will be addressed or at least considered. You realize at some point you’re not a priority and your feelings and concerns don’t matter. Only the partners feelings matter.

[@Hope-cz4fg]

I was sneered at, smirked at and given the silent treatment, put down in front of people and my husband expected our relationship to carry on as per normal. He spoke at me, not to me. Didn’t look at me when speaking to me. That was no marriage or normal relationship

[@denicehaley9902]

Me, too! 💔😢

[@cedarvalleypost-framellc6427]

This happened to me also, my girlfriend actually made herself look ugly for bed and sneered at me. I let her go, she has a mental problem clearly

[@Hope-cz4fg]

@@cedarvalleypost-framellc6427 My husband had a mental problem too. Ruins your life. I put up with it for 53 yrs of marriage.

[@Enpemberton29]

Ugh. I feel this in my soul. The walking away when I was talking, the purposeful ignoring... It doesn't have to be this way. It's so sad how people can treat people they say they love. 😢

[@Hope-cz4fg]

@@Enpemberton29 I was married for 53 yrs and tried my best and yet it continued. He was a self centred know all. It was like I was not entitled to an opinion, if I had’ he ended up getting angry at me. Lost my voice for three years because of a mad man. He left me and is still stressed out as he was living with me. Badly needs help. Kicks his dogs, that was another issue

[@confusedwhynot]

I think sometimes due to emotional neglect will cause a personal to just shut down and disconnect for survival. For me I felt burdened down with all the responsibility of the family and the business. I was struggling without his support in anyway. I can't live this way anymore. I have spent a lot of time in grief and now I have to file for divorce.

[@LiveFound]

Agreed. Emotional neglect leads to a failure to thrive. Babies die from it! I'm sorry it has come to being put in a position to file for divorce. :( If you'd like a sane voice to help you navigate that, please reach out to me! I know our name says , but we do a lot of individual heart recovery as well.

[@saradonson9849]

Hi , i feel an emotional neglect in my marriage ​@@LiveFound

[@JustDisc]

Do you love him back? Do show any interest in him? Do you make him feel like a man? Or do you expect everything to be about you? Maybe there’s a reason for the neglect? Maybe he was a wonderful husband that did everything and listened but you stop caring or wanting him?

[@jmh8510]

@@JustDiscshe’s saying she’s got 100% responsibility for all. Now she’s got to also make him feel like a man as well? No time. Please re-read your question with logic.

[@SassyG17]

I experienced this as well. After 25 years I divorced. I also learned he was a porn addict for 42 years. This was part of the problem as well. I took care of everything. I felt as thou I was his mother, nurse , doctor, maid etc. I was also his emotional punching bag from the trama he experienced as a child. He has shown no interest in getting help.

[@annekecor1108]

You described my life perfectly! My 3rd. husband shows very little interest in anything I say or do. I wait on him hand and foot, our home is spotless, I'm an excellent cook and even bake bread! Yet he has become a non communicative, inconsiderate guest in our home who does nothing except pay the bills. I have considered divorce many times, but feel guilty because he suffers from the onset of Parkinson's disease. My disabled children are now gone so I have no-one left, but am so very tired in this emotional neglectful relationship.

[@sallybella8824]

I noticed that what you believe that you provide is all housing upkeep and food services. Do you know how to provide emotional connection?

[@luna84_]

​@@sallybella8824exactly

[@catbee1452]

I hear you. I couldn't put my finger on it for decades but I was like you. Doing everything while he just worked worked worked. 44 years into this marriage and I don't know who the hell I am anymore. Truly was thinking about doing a trial separation but he is having significant memory issues and is in the process of getting diagnosed. I feel so trapped but I know that if I left, I would be seen as the horrible wife who abandoned her husband in time of need. The reality is that he was NEVER there for me in my time of need. The irony.

[@DeepSeaTide]

Key word "3rd husband" that's a big red flag

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@DeepSeaTide Why is that a red flag? There are a lot of duds out there. Very few gems.

[@saladgirl2062]

Thank you so much for this enlightening talk , please add a profound sense of loneliness to your list .

[@LiveFound]

Absolutely! Abuse always, always, always dumps us into isolation and loneliness!

[@gpal4843]

He only speaks to me when he needs my help

[@personalinfo2404]

Wow. God’s grace that this topic was published just in this new season. My situation is indeed serious. But the Lord God is already and always at work. Please pray in the name of Jesus…

[@rebeccacraig1038]

It does take work, however, it’s like pushing sand uphill if your spouse isn’t capable of mutuality, authenticity and reciprocity. The emotional heavy lifting remains on the emotionally neglected spouse. It’s exhausting and not sustainable.

[@fairygurl9269]

Here's to Being Authentically Braver 💞

[@Mommy_and_Shaurya]

Staying with an emotional unavailable person is extremely lonely.. Even if u voice ur opinion you are considered the problem

[@GiGi52020]

Yes or you are attacking them.

[@LuvableAF]

I don’t want to love him anymore. He’s ruined my schooling already. All he cares about is himself and secretly hates me and just loves me for sport.

[@desormais22]

Such a good analogy, really helps to make sense of my situation and maybe one day explain or tell it if given opportunity ❤❤ And wow that statement about you cannot connect to a lie - powerful!!

[@guru47pi]

I'm trying to understand my situation. My wife has a health problem and became darker and darker as she got more depressed over about 7 years. She would talk about how she wants to die young, she'd abuse our son, our every conversation for several years was about hating my son, America, and wanting to hurt herself. She didn't do anything around the house, and my mother-in-law and I coordinated so she wouldn't be alone with the kids, ever. Listening didn't help, doing things to help didn't help, she wouldn't take any advice. She refused all my urgings for her to get professional therapy. Finally I said 'I can't take this anymore; you've got to talk about your health to a therapist. You can't just drop all your vitriol and hate onto me." About a month later, she did see a therapist, but it didn't help; she completely withdrew and stopped functioning for about 6 months. After that, she did interact with the kids again, but she was completely cold toward me, never acknowledged the suffering she caused to me, but instead only brings up the time I put up a boundary and said she needed to talk to a real therapist. In her eyes, she's the victim. I don't care who's the victim or not; I want to be married to a human again, and not a robot. Since then, she's been better with kids, but all feeling toward me is gone. The only time we have sex is make-up sex maybe once every 2 months, with no feeling, after I've decided to leave her. If I reach out, talk about physical contact, do anything romantic, initiate contact or sex, she pulls away; she must be in total control of initiation. At the same time that I'm not allowed to reach out, nearly the impetus is on me to restore the emotional connection. Needless to say, this has left me feeling extremely lonely, jerked around emotionally, walking on eggshells, with no long term planning. I've wanted to remodel my kitchen for 3 years, but haven't committed because I expect I'll need the money for a divorce lawyer. It's very difficult because I'm grieving the family life I wish I'd had, the relationship we once had, the person she used to be, and feeling incredibly guilty that I can't keep going like this to keep my kids' family together, but also weak and naive for not having left yet.

[@crystaltiner5512]

This left me speechless I don't know what I would do. You have truly gave it your all even when most would have left. That's amazing and says s lot about you

[@JohnGalt1960]

Léave now.

[@janclebro6997]

In the bouncing ball analogy, my narcissist doesn't even see the ball.

[@karashea7823]

Love it. My analogy is “totem pole”. Bottom of the Totem Pole? Not even ON it!!😂

[@Ann-pn9or]

hit the nail on the head for me. Thank you.

[@LL-jd5mn]

I've been goung through thus for years. I can't even understand why, but this is what it's been sounding like. I can't do it anymore.

[@carrad123456]

I know no one is going to change. Need emotional suffering to end. Brain fog, cognitive capability , auto immune diseases all I see in victims of emotional abuse. Rage and anger to simmer down. Not wait for emotional titbits from other, not need fake care or fake niceness that is shown. And be strong enough to move forward. Many a times such abusive people are born with rage or extra neediness or such things on extreme and get average empathy parents and then as adult these people destroy life of all those they are in close relationship with.

[@banderson5676]

My wife of 16 years had an emotional affair. She says she has cut it off but has been emotionally distant for months. I am not perfect, but during her affair I have been raising the kids, cleaned, laundry, stayed fit, and have a great job while she pursued her "hobbies." She wanted to leave because I was not a big enough 'cheerleader' for her. I have tried everything to better myself and be a better husband emotionally, but she acts like she wants out. I'm so close to calling it.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

It takes a lot of work to rebuild trust, but it can be done. Please reach out if we can be of help. In the meantime, here are some videos on what the path to restoration looks like. kzbin.info/aero/PLzb_gedZa6y4XndVp5zfLBPd9J5LA2WJU

[@woolzem]

I'm so sorry. It is the worst pain. My husband had an emotional affair years ago and truly is not sorry and has been distant ever since (and before, which... I don't know when it started because he lies a lot and still denies any wrongdoing) i am crying on christmas day because he ignored me after we made a plan with our therapist with safegaurds and he just threw it out the window when we got to his relative's house. I don't have a family and it's a hard day for me. I am also close to calling it. It just never stops hurting

[@DanielSchultz01]

Wonderful talk. Question on the withdrawal - I liked how you expounded on it btw - would you say that when one has been in an emotionally abusive relationship a long time that even the victim would have a hard time to not withdraw out of protection against misuse of their vulnerability?

[@LiveFound]

Your question is a little unclear, so I'll try to answer it from a couple different angels. I think you're referring to how "trapped" the victim feels when trying to connect to an emotionally vapid person. It can become a damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-don't scenario. In a long-term emotionally void relationship, staying engaged can feel as self-protective as withdrawing because the abuser tends to weaponize either stance. It's like trying to choose the lesser of two evils. An abuser will use either stance as grounds for accusation to "put the victim in their place", which translates to quiet, docile, conformed to what the abuser wants.

[@DanielSchultz01]

@@LiveFound - that is good. It helps. Another question would be, when one is controlling with guilt and shame, wouldn't the victim tend to want to withdraw and no longer emotionally connect? In other words, over time would the victim tend to no longer be present due to the emotional abuse?

[@LiveFound]

@@DanielSchultz01 Absolutely. That is the natural result that happens when someone repeatedly puts out an invitation to connect and the recipient declines or rejects that invitation. There comes a point you quit inviting, and honor their "no."

[@TheNifster]

I don't think I've been asked how my day went in three or four years. The silent treatment was the weapon of choice. I used to try to figure out wtf I did or said and half the time I didn't have the first clue.

[@jaj4706]

@@TheNifster do you ask your partner how their day went? To be honest I feel like “how was your day” is a beginner daters question trying to drum up conversation. If you’ve been together for you feel comfortable just starting the convo about how your day was? I bet when you reach out and text friends you start right in with a story or something interesting you don’t start your texts with “how was your day “? Just saying maybe if you start the convo you’ll find them interested and listening and showing they care they just might not use that phrase “how was your day” because they are comfortable with you

[@dme2442]

They don't want conversation with their partner. They neglect you because they do not care about you or your day. When I would ask him how his day was, or really anything else, his responses were vague and dismissive like he was talking to a sales person on the phone. Actually, if it was a sales person, he was a lot nicer to them than he was to me.

[@jaj4706]

@@dme2442 it’s probably just me but if I’m asked “how was your day” daily I’d be bored. I don’t have any issue just starting a convo about something that happened that day. My close friends and I just talk we don’t start with that entry level “how was your day”? All I’m saying is after the newness wears off and you’re really comfortable with someone you might not use this ice breaker phrase but you would still care about your relationship and wellbeing of your partner and would be demonstrating it in other ways

[@Aetherfield]

Please have her on again! She explains this issue better than all others.

[@annabanzon313]

Some spouses use their spouse for finances and or.to hide behind in society. These kinds of.people will negoect your words and emotions because they need you to survive.

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

THANK YOU. GREAT VIDEO God bless you so much. From JANESVILLE, WI

[@thejesuschic3697]

This is exactly what my in-laws do while I am present at their house, it’s like looking through a glass window on the outside. They will hear and talk to each other, as well as my husband but will completely ignore me. Even if I ask the same question as my husband to them, they will only answer him. It’s a very odd feeling, a bit like being invisible.

[@dme2442]

you shouldn't waste your time trying to talk to those people! I hope your partner sticks up for you.

[@melissawalker7570]

Ugh I feel your pain, I have experienced same from others and I have seen others treated this way. I think it’s a person being passive aggressive to you as they don’t like you. It’s beyond rude!!

[@amyj.4992]

My aunty emotionally neglected but not my mom because she would notice my behaviors and emotional outburst by how my grades were affected in school. She paid close, attention to that and she provided me space to speak on what I was silently struggling with. However, I learned what emotional neglect felt like in an unbalanced relationship with someone who betrayed me in the worst way and the people they associated with

[@amyj.4992]

I was raised community based, however being amongst other people's children as dysfunctional adults really showed and had such a negative impact on me

[@amyj.4992]

I had to really stay committed to my therapy sessions in my last relationship, so I can communicate in ways to the ex that didn't get me screamed at or berated

[@C-Span222]

You just described my life.

[@HollyNYC]

My husband is mean, extremely loud and is an emotional time bomb....It's very stressful being near him. 😢

[@user-if1in3he2k]

Me too. 🥲Take care🙏

[@tboned1]

you have a very pleasant voice and demeanor

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

Yes. She is a clear excellent communicator.

[@LiveFound]

Thank you.

[@BBFCCO733]

This should be a requirement if marriage but unfortunately many couples end up having the dominant person treating the one sacrificing their needs as less than. What's infuriating is when you speak up or change, you are the problem. The only option is caving in and believing in a lie they are selling to you. It's abuse. Its unfortunate that many men are taught that treating their partners with love and respect is a perceived sign of weakness.

[@lisafarmen9367]

Thank you so mush..one of the best podcasts ive heard. Yes so helpful..i will be going to your website to find out hiw to reach out.

[@MaryH-Kyser]

Avoident passive agressive emotional abuse that individuals are aware of!

[@Angie247Beers]

Appreciate this video! Around 9:50 How does a spouse bring up the partner's passive-aggressive behavior without aggravating them when they rarely to never open up to be authentic, vulnerable and kind simultaneously? Uggg

[@Schquirl]

This is a great video, thank you! Could you please talk about how they cause more emotional abuse with the triangulation and smear campaigns even the neglect with isolation and negative words with gossip of lies? PLEASE 🥺😭 It is been going on for years and my health is bad from the stress and sadness. There is no love of the Holy Spirit nor other fruits in his church body even after I have been praying and begging.

[@sallybella8824]

Sorry that you have that treatment from your partner. Hearing more about it isn't going to change the way they treat you. Only thing hearing more about it will do is make you feel "right" and help you judge them as wrong. To improve you life move out. Remove yourself from. Proximity to the abuser. There is no easy way out.

[@Schquirl]

@@sallybella8824 Thank you! So this is 3 months old and I moved a month and a half ago. My health is already better! I'm gaining so much truth and it is making everything clearer and freeing my mind and heart. PTL 🙌

[@elsagrace3893]

@@Schquirl oh my gosh! So glad for you. It takes a lot of courage to make any change. Good for you. Keep going.

[@Schquirl]

@@elsagrace3893 Thank you. Timing came in coincidence with the last sessions of counseling. He had another woman try to destroy Thanksgiving and he made it very clear to Dr John Hudson of the Marriage Recovery Center with Dr David Hawkins that our marriage is over and he isn't trying. Honestly I'm a slow learner but not as deceived as his church followers and the denomination superintendent as he is allowed to continue because they believed all his lies and didn't even try to communicate with me. There's nothing Biblical about it except that Jesus described all this stuff in Matthew 23 & 24 about the end times.

[@melkerner]

I would have this conversation with my Wife - if she would put her cell phone down long enough to engage in anything meaningful.

[@Abena1709]

Your wife, my husband! The phone is such a wall, a barrier to any form of communication.

[@melkerner]

@@Abena1709 Avoidant behavior knows no gender.

[@chaz4471]

Can you add alcoholism to the mic or is that something that AA deals with? What about how he was supported for years and now that I don’t have a job, I’m told to get out.

[@sallybella8824]

You are looking to be right and not take responsibility and action to fix your life. You want to fix your partner.

[@KarlaPatterson-yt8ph]

We both have emotional neglect. I have been healing from mine for the last year, but he isn't interested in learning about his or even correcting it.

[@MaryH-Kyser]

Not willing to discuss or communicate their behaviors at all it sould be open communication whete both people can share and authentic and open

[@MaryH-Kyser]

Ditto that in both a couple cases...

[@nnylasoR]

Ohhh-h-h-h-h-hhhhooooooohh….. you nailed it on the head with the “controlling the narrative” part. SHEESH. 😭😭😭

[@PiscesSun_Capricornrising]

My ex didnt want me to be to independent, he said he was afraid id leave him.

[@gb7251]

@2:48… OMggg. Nailed it! TY!

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Thanks for your feedback, hope you found it helpful

[@jana_yvonne_Jacobs]

Thank you for this. Do you know of someone in south africa that can help me in this area.?

[@DebbK]

I’m based in Johannesburg, can we get in touch?

[@shells1889]

I tried to explain to my husband what I need, but then he throws it in my face.

[@MaryH-Kyser]

Not being deliberate arrogant, selfish, and trying to control and diseespect and disregard the other persons feelings

[@denniskramer2934]

Could it be possible that after multiple times of explaining yourself in ways that they seem to purposely overlook or act like refusing skillfully. To act likely not to acknowledge any sort of validity in the truth behind the statements. It then echoes a drastic difference between opinions and more likely abstract control than teamwork relationship. Like obviously one person opinions doesn’t matter because of group reasonings or possibly seeing things objectively level headed without being triggered erratically. In that case, why not just shut up to enjoy talking to yourself in the mirror until calming down…instead because apparently, what I am saying or trying verbally doesn’t seem to matter much anyway? 9:02

[@Rkisosondi]

Slamming the ball in your face

[@Ratgirl2]

My friend is told by her spouse you don't get and retreats.😕😕

[@JohnGalt1960]

Its better to not get married at all.

[@josie_mary]

My list of things that make me wonder. 1) 34 years and I’m still not on the bank account or debit card. 2) I cannot touch his wallet or he gets enraged.because of that I have him do all the shopping. 3) Conversation is never deep 4) he goes from zero to a hundred with anger. 5) has to control everything 6) is a pot head 7)our amazing daughter hates him 8) He’s a hoarder and has every room in the house filled with stuff 9) he’s rude to people 10) HE BURPS DISGUSTINGLY loud all day long

[@JustDisc]

He probably has adhd, since I used to be a pot head. If he’s emotions are all over the place, mainly thinks about himself, is forgetful, not thoughtful, etc. it’s adhd. Get him checked and your lives will turn around for the better

[@donnabowman9059]

How do you survive for this long and not leave?

[@peggymcgeary143]

Get to the signs already

[@MaryH-Kyser]

Eactly!

[@MaryH-Kyser]

Dutto that!

[@desertdweller9548]

I couldn't get through the first four minutes. So much word salad here. Good grief.

[@0207khenry]

🥺😮‍💨

[@createone100]

Not a helpful video. Lots of words but little of real help.

[@artmcfarter2678]

She talks too much yet says too little.

[@Myopiniononly]

Divorce problem solved ,,,let some other idiot deal with your drama needs that’s why marriages have up and downs now adays everyone call everyone a narcissist you People here try to analyze everyone you really don’t know the individuals

[@katbozz]

This video was such a huge eye opener for me. Now, I understand so much more. I'm very grateful. TY 🩵🙏🩵