How to Become Securely Attached | Being Well Podcast

In today’s episode, Dr. Rick and I focus on one of the most common, and most important, questions we get about attachment theory: can we heal our attachment wounds, and become more securely attached?
We explore the basics of attachment theory, whether people can change their attachment style, and how much change is truly possible. We then discuss some common frameworks for change, the power of positive experiences, and how we can break out of the “catch-22” of attachment wounds. The episode ends with practical advice for what an anxiously or avoidantly attached person could do to become more securely attached over time.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction
1:50 An overview of how attachment develops
7:30 Four components involved in changing your attachment style
10:55 Tendencies vs. behavior
12:50 The four stages of growth, and developing “conscious competency”
17:50 Recognizing the ways you’re included, seen, appreciated, liked, and loved
24:35 The role of individual effort, and the real driver of motivation
29:00 What helps anxious people become more securely attached?
41:50 And what helps avoidant people?
50:30 How to ground ourselves when people are unreliable
56:15 Recap
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

[@meg01968]

I absolutely healed FA attachment through my spiritual path, embracing authenticity, becoming willing to be vulnerable and courageous, with huge doses of self acceptance. I broke the generational trauma to a large degree.

[@punyashloka4946]

Congratulations 🎉

[@HighVibeCat]

Thank you 🙏 🦒

[@AlineNayara777]

M; ;ñbn;

[@A22208]

LOVE THIS

[@becks_99]

Same! It can be done ❤

[@mariaokhapkina6971]

My goodness I almost cried when you introduced your guest and it turned out to be your father. What a beautiful gift to be able to collaborate with your own parent in this way.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤❤❤ agreed!

[@KathyAlice7707]

Agreed also. I will never know what that is like but it’s ok. I’ve accepted that truth years ago.

[@karenedwardsfu358]

As a retired psychotherapist, this is by far one of the best user-friendly podcasts for personal growth purposes. It’s a pleasure to experience your father son dynamic as well as the authenticity demonstrated. Thank you for living and sharing your purpose.

[@kaurp96]

As someone with an anxious attachment, I find that I have the opposite train of thought than the one described in the video. I feel ashamed about being needy and dependant on the other person so I find myself wanting to prove to them that I can be indepedant and not cling. But then the entire time, there's an internal conflict because I'm fighting against what I actually want from them

[@MENTAL-STRENGTH101]

I found my people!! I experience the same since ive been in management 😢 What an internal struggle man

[@dinner-at-the-diner]

same

[@acaughey09]

Such a paradox. Feeling helpless and needy, but not able to get too close and let them take care of us. Fearing abandonment so we play a role, but it always feels so inauthentic and there's inner turmoil feeling that your true self is unlovable.

[@sandif32]

Very well said and totally relatable.

[@cbeachbaby266]

Same

[@alexium3244]

0:00 introduction 3:40 Parts of insecure attachment 6:38 Insecure Styles(attachment styles) 7:37 Do you think people change attachment styles? 12:54 4 stages of growth 15:15 Keysteps to growth 19:19 How to insecure attached people get securely attached to. 22:03 Wounding and ❤️‍🩹 24:43 Individuals effort to make experience less painful 28:22 Determiation and resilience 29:04 Understanding 2 basic attachment style 29:30 Anxious attachment style 33:07 Anxious attachment style summary 34:40 Addressing Fears 36:45 Reliable people 37:24 Secure attachment reliable people 38:38 Romantic partner and attachment 39:55 Reason for insecure attachment 56:44 how to change attachment style

[@megyerizsuzsadora]

Recently discovered the channel. Watching a father and son duo actually talking to one another is healing in itself!❤ Beautiful✨

[@franceshall3364]

I love listening to Forest and Rick because they are so kind in describing the journey to become secure. This kindness allows me to tap further into looking at the deeper issues which is hard to do. It’s like they are holding my hand and gently walking with me. I love that Rick says it’s okay to be you in whatever stage you’re at in the journey and to give kindness to your childhood emotional experiences. I am able to blend this with my other areas of seeking like meditation and therapy. I feel so complete being incomplete.

[@julisplett2748]

"Get your grubby hands off the wheel." I had a good chuckle at this one...so true! You can't drive but you can sit up front with me. ❤

[@Metaphysics-for-life]

I've been following Dr Hanson for many years! I had no idea he was your Dad 🙂. So good to see both of you working together!

[@Nuggette_]

Thank you for verbalizing the fear that if I am viewed as self sufficient that I will become invisible in the minds of others. It adds a new angle to something I've been trying to figure out. 🙏

[@gwendolynmurphy9563]

Some people pay thousands of dollars over extended periods of time to learn this! Thank you!

[@hantran5651]

I agree with Dr. Hansen. I have healed so much and accomplished so much by being my best friend and supportive, and kind to myself. It's number 1 therapy technique for my childhood abuse.

[@Mushroom321-]

Thats wonderful !! 🎉🎉congrats to you !! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@gulliver7419]

Wonderful they way your father looks at you with love. I remember arranging to meet my mother somewhere when I was about 17 and noticing that she had no light in her eyes for me. Fortunately now I know it had nothing to do with me.

[@anastasiaalexandersdottir1021]

The 2 soundtracks analogy blew my mind. One feels so alone when one´s internal experience is SO REAL but what is outside is also VERY REAL - but somehow one is never truly part of it. This conversation made me feel much less alien. THANK YOU.

[@ingrid3578]

I am in awe of this channel. Every video is on a hard-hitting topic. There is no fluff here. And the gentleness and compassion with which Forest and his father speaks makes me feel so seen and not judged for being a flawed human being who's doing her best just like everyone else is.

[@queenprotein]

I love the idea of being warmly receptive to myself. I know that not the words he used but my mind is stuck on the idea. The pace and tone of their speech is soothing and gives my brain a moment to absorb what their saying. First time listener. Love it so far.

[@elenadagis215]

Completely agree, their pace and tone is so warm, welcoming, considered and accessible. ❤

[@marityndall]

I love listening to you Forest and Rick. Years ago I listened to Rick and he helped me so much. And now to listen to father & son, I love the kindness and vulnerability you always display. And that is so helpful to listeners. Very relatable with real examples of ways of healing that work. It’s like your holding our hands with no judgement only love ❤

[@wavingcat5]

Wtf I love Melanie Klein and nobody talks about her! Rick is so reliable for bringing up gems of thinkers and ideas.

[@justalittlebawn]

I am fearful/disorganized attached, and I don't love that it's so often framed as just avoidant on top of anxious and that it can be understood just by understanding the other two separately. There is obviously a lot of overlap, but in my experience there are also many challenges I face that neither of the other two styles fully account for alone. I think of it like mixing colors. Mixing yellow and blue gives you green. You can understand a lot about green by knowing about blue and yellow but there's something about green itself that is neither and yet both. Personally, I don't feel that the descriptions of anxious and avoidant fully account for my experiences of them mixed. I wrestle a lot with the paradox of needing people too close and too far away at the same time. A mix of the two brings a whole other confusion around when it feels ok to be connected to others. There is a difficulty around predicting and understanding what you'll feel or want from others that is not accounted for when only talked about separately. With either alone, at least you have some sense of "how the world works." With disorganized, there's no concrete sense of whether it's a good idea to get needs met by others - results are inconclusive. The childhood experiences that lead to this approach is also unique from either alone, though again there is a lot of overlap.

[@creative45630]

Thank you for your gentle conversations. Seeing the love and affection between you both and the gentle tone is as healing as the conversation/subject.

[@elizabethash4720]

I think I am avoidant with a tendency toward perfectionism. Iam at a turning point and appreciate this video as I choose to grow and overrcome my avoidant attactchment style. Very helpful. Thankyou to forrest and to your wise a kind Dad.😊

[@AnimeNewsRadio101]

I am bit anxious and full secure, I just learn about FA and DA what healthy relationship their needs and so they can grow as secure. I am taking care my mental health problems, I just stop drinking coffee and I stop myself anger; I’m really proud I did. It is 2024, planning to join a martial arts school and get myself a career (unless work at home) better healthy for me. Happy 2024 and better health care.

[@satyu_]

As someone who's naturally secure, I do feel like most people sleepwalk through life, and I have to be the more mature one everyone, and feel like tending towards avoidance produces better results for me

[@Dragonfly20233]

This is one of the most helpful videos ever on understanding the mind during this process. The conversation about the 2 soundtracks verbalized a struggle within me that I couldn't explain until now. This happiness and contentment in my life with awareness of my patterns and the push/pull tendencies(I am anxious avoidant) but a background anxiety that comes from wrestling with that awareness. I feel much better just having that experience normalized in a way that is also healthy progress.

[@ForrestHanson]

🙌🙌

[@hillarykaelomolebatsi4783]

Thank you so much for the summary at the end, please continue with them, it was really helpful. As someone who considers themselves as an anxious attached I resonated a lot with the advice to learn to rely on myself more, the concept is so foreign to me, I struggle with being by myself and I often find myself fighting the edge to fill up my time with another person be it friend or love interest

[@angeliquec1928]

I was neglected and abused throughout my childhood then married an avoidant person. I struggle with not wanting to need anyone for help with anything and wanting someone I can lean on in whatever area of life I'm having a hard time with at that time, someone who I can also show up for in the same ways. I want to be special to people, in relationships I want to be "chosen". Instead I view myself as only desired in friendships if I can be useful/needed, and in romantic relationships I settle for emotional breadcrumbs. I resent ever feeling needy because parents & partners let me down, but I do need help sometimes, and I do have times when I need care and compassion. I want to be safe being vulnerable. I want to provide safety to others. The internal dialogue of "I must not be good enough" for success or quality love connection is extremely difficult to re-script.

[@catherineb2909]

I came here from one of Elizabeth's videos on CPTSD. I am so grateful for your videos and also and for you introducing your audience to her - there is something so powerful about hearing these life-changing things from someone who truly understands AND has the vocabulary and expertise to communicate about it. Her words are validating and make me feel so seen and hopeful. I can't wait to finish listening, I just felt compelled to say: I would LOVE to hear another conversation between the two of you, both of the partners in a healthy, communicative relationship that is working one partner through the process of becoming securely attached, to truly hear what that's like in action.

[@ggalexandra]

The joy in their eyes while speaking to each other☺️ It’s beautiful 😊

[@roc-88]

I appreciate that this discussion isn't a 'intro to attachments'. Yall are actually talking at a level I'm struggling to grasp, and it makes the information that much more valuable.

[@chrispasson1940]

i struggle a little with all of these concepts

[@ShonaMcCarthy]

I used to be scared of watching videos like these because I was afraid they would put all the blame on me. Now I see, those anxious thoughts were just a feature of my trauma.

[@gwendolynmurphy9563]

This discussion is me all over the place! The value of the wisdom-nuggets cannot be over-estimated!

[@Maaaaaaddee]

I feel like this was very helpful to me as im already on my way of healing. It would have been to much to take in earlier. Appreciate when you allow the conversation to slow down. Thank you for sharing!

[@FrankKlaver]

I chose the subject from interest, but I wasn’t expecting it to fall so into place as it did. Also interesting the mentioning of Masterson, I was reminded of the excellent TV program and the character studie there so felt into place with what was described and talked about. Thank you both Forrest and Rick!

[@owl718]

Wow. This was so enlightening for me! Thanks you two! You guys are changing lives!

[@susanharkema2888]

I actually wish I had a stronger arm with my smile, Forrest. ;) As an avoidant type, I get into acquaintance-ships and realize I don't really want to go any further but don't know how to get out. I feel trapped and then have a whole lot of angst until I'm extricated. I will look for any videos you have on boundaries, but I would love to hear more about developing healthy boundaries when you're an insecure attachment type. What a joy to find Dr. Hanson in this kind of transparent and intimate discussion with his son. What a dynamic duo!!

[@Mushroom321-]

What a different dynamic to have your father!! , 😮😮thank you! For having him as a guest !

[@orangeassfarm7745]

Thank you so much for sharing your insights and wisdom! Rick described the anxious attachment in such a way, along with Forrest's probing questions about what he was saying, the information landed for me in a way I have never gotten it before. So incredibly grateful for you both! ❤

[@elenadagis215]

What a wonderful podcast. You both offered tremendous insight and Rick has given me a big “a-ha” perspective on my own anxious attachment; I am very comfortable being in reproachful complaining mode yikes that was a truth bomb I needed! Gosh what a dysfunctional mode to be in! So much to reflect on here. Thank you from a grateful new subscriber!

[@ezgi8256]

I absolutely loved this. Your dad is giving Mr. Rogers

[@catharinamariatheresia1626]

You two make me so happy! What a beautiful surprise to see your dad!

[@zialuna]

AWESOME insights, I'm listening to this one over again!!!

[@samsneedamyer5935]

I enjoyed this video. It made me feel calmer and more understanding of my anxious attachment. Your voices and demeanors are calm and soothing.

[@creative45630]

I think for me the ‘yes but…’ wasn’t so much about not being able to tune into little bits of love from other people, but about needing to be allowed to feel utterly furious about my parents’ lack of attention and love.

[@holistikirsty3167]

Great conversation and I really resonated with 'Being honest with yourself, how important other people are to you'. This is a realisation I've come to in the last year and it's really unlocked something in me 💚

[@holistikirsty3167]

Also really like the idea of getting the balance of just being, with analysing and improving

[@meg01968]

Took me a million mis steps and over a decade to get there 😊. Not an overnight experience

[@maryannribble3254]

Very well articulated , Forest and Rick ! We must recognize with our “whole being” ( including our felt sense ) the reparative relational experiences you’re mentioning - Forest - in order to process them - and assimilate their meaning into - whole being felt sense repair to our original attachment damage . Witnessing your felt “presence “ ( awareness and compassion) towards Forest - is encouraging and heartening ! You are both expressing sincere examples of attaching and relating lovingly . Thank you for this ! ❤

[@chaeldiongroup]

Forest, you and dad are just awesome! Thank you for this channel!

[@vid7689]

Absolutely love this!!!!! You nail it guys!!!! ❤️🌞🕊️💐

[@susanbeaudette6296]

I totally enjoy and appreciate you two working together!! You both have a gentle and genuine spirit, that introduced and explained deep information, helping me co-regulate along the way!! Thank you for reaching into the deep roots for processing... So appreciated!!

[@hotdoggington6962]

omg this was so wholesome 😭

[@pamraleigh611]

Thank you!!!! so much. Great clarity about addressing attachment problems. Lots of concrete ways to approach what to do with HOPE, something I never really got even in college classes in the psychological counseling department of my university 8 years ago. Love your work, it has been so helpful to me over the years🧡

[@hristuppiteitinu]

I can't thank you and Rick enough for this podcast and the motherload of golden healing wisdom. 🙏❤️

[@sharynmain2432]

Hi Forrest and Rick. I have finally caught up with your full collection podcasts covering your wide scope of topics. Your insights and approach are most appreciated...I see it as a restful, nourishing reflection of intelligent conversation. And yes, a conversation it is as from time to time I comment along with you out loud. Would a podcast suggestion be of interest? As I am a layman with these meandering thoughts, would Rick and yourself consider discussing another new topic. It is what I would think of, as people who play the gatekeepers to others achievements and goals by undermining or stilting their growth mindset and potential. I am thinking along the academic profession of those who are studying towards or as an established professional working in the fields surrounding psychology. I have started my journey towards university entrance for psychology and I am interested in, if Rick himself or others he knew came across respected established teachers or mentors that unfortunately chose to run interference in a detrimental way towards their potential achievements and learning capabilities. Being female and in my early 50's it would be helpful in navigating the 'gauntlet' of academia, that, at times can be rather esoteric centered or purest in their nature, exclusive rather than inclusive. I truly believe that everyone who chooses and is able to show up for learning should be allowed to participate... over time the proof is in the pudding of those who fulfills their goals...and life is so much more nourishing when we can all be allowed a 'fair' playing ground. Food for thought. As a sidenote, you have spoken in the past Forrest of other podcasters that you enjoy, ones that (I surmise) you could possibly feel that one day you may achieve their numbers of listeners or their accumulative talents and outreach they possess. I am now noticing with the lengthening of time and the sheer saturation of numbers, (that I dare say, make a living, if not a respectable sideline financially from this), it sometimes ends up moving away from the integrity of psychology or physical wellbeing and its intentions; by either getting swept away by the task of reaching certain numbers of 'likes' and popularity. It feels the very thing they were trying to promote like connection, integrity and sincerity for the collective, somehow morphs into a platform for themselves and their own personality, or just another means of commercialism or developing a 'brand ' that reaps monetary success. A dialogue rather than a conversation, very much like how a partnership or marriage could be. So, please know that quality over quantity....minority over majority can be rather refreshing. Keep up the good work, I especially enjoyed Dr Sue Johnsons time with you, she seemed to really revel and thrive in the discussions that you had. 🙂

[@Mushroom321-]

I see your calmness with your dad , interesting,psychologist.

[@mjparent222]

really you both, you are so touching, soothing. thank you so much to be there, open, available, vulnerable, i just feel so much kindness and benevolence. thank you.

[@Julie-lh5jb]

Another great one with you and your dad! Both fantastic, thank you so much for sharing. Always learn so much from the two of you ❤

[@leila595]

Amazing questions and amazing answers!! Ty!

[@Reddragons111]

You are both so soothing. Its sort of giving mister rogers vibes. New fan.

[@Lotusblume.8]

Wow this was amazing! Thank you💕 so much!!

[@jeng3609]

You are both so great, thank you-

[@KrisTina-bf8bp]

I am on half of the video and already have so many insights thank u.

[@MeghanDonnellyIPY]

Thank you for this content!

[@Theowlhawk]

Love this video, thank you, much appreciated 🙏 😊 ❤

[@CasildaChenier]

encouraged by your discussions.

[@evelinel.9827]

This was really great--finally I really understand my attachment style!

[@vernita0216]

Thank you. Thank you both.

[@sanjamilovanovic7574]

Genious podcast! Loved how you understand each other!

[@Catherine-zq1kb]

Thank you so much for this.

[@deeshasarai]

Such a fantastic conversation ❤

[@whitesteele]

The best. Everytime. Much gratitude to you.

[@diilouise]

Thank you for helping me gain greater understanding and, hence, compassion.

[@MeghanDonnellyIPY]

Thank you for this content.

[@nadiar8244]

Thank you so so much for this video ❤

[@joannelewis3390]

The way you described coming to term with your tendencies and being able to behave in a way that has less of an impact on your relationships is helpful to me with BPD and anxious avoidant attachment

[@maddisonhoag2334]

Thank you so much for taking the time to explain the anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. I struggle with using avoidant coping mechanisms in my relationships while also being anxiously attached. The primal idea that I am worried people will leave if I’m not complaining and feeling never truly fulfilled is huge. I’m going to really think on that

[@Theowlhawk]

I give great compassion, empathy to others, yet I find its one sided on many levels with those I share, open up or be vonerable with, they can be hash, cold, dismiss, ignore. So learning to focus on myself, my compassion for me. I find Al anon groups best place to be me, finding my voice, being heard,

[@andrear1336]

This was great. I've read alot about attachment theory, but this still managed to make me think about almost everything in new ways.

[@rcz2023]

Thank you for sharing.

[@elizabethburch3619]

This is the BEST conversation on this subject I’ve ever seen. Thank you so much. ❤️

[@jenniferdennison8315]

This is such a brilliant idea .. the combination of having the different generations come together to explore the patterns that we all need support in transending... and the dynamic of the father and son is wonderful as well because it can be such a sensitive subject to talk about attachment issues especially with a parent.. it can get super blame/defensive very quickly and then no one is truly listening or hearing the other person or holding space for them just to express themselves and their feelings... Bravo to you both for being such a inspiration for what is truly possible when we are willing to be open, compassionate, and loving with the people in our lives.. Relationship is the whole point of all of this in my opinion.. its to know thyself thru the other .. to grow and exand thru the exchange of energy with the other... know love and all of our other emotions and experiences... All the attachment styles are beneficial and necessary because they create push and pulls that create growth, change, and evolution... What has been lacking is the conscious awareness around them and how to work with them and shift them in ways that is in your highest good and the highest good of your relationships .. and that is what this pod cast is providing... Wonderful content and a safe container for learning and exploring these subjects.. The changes and growth that is possible for people that give their energy to this channel is incomprehensible... the ripples im sure are global... Grateful for the opportunity to support a channel like this and help make the waves bigger,... 🙏❤️😊

[@patriciakudrnac1007]

this episode is absolutely amazing. so many valuable insights gained! thank you both so much 🙏🏻

[@jenniferw2481]

Great video - thank you!

[@user-xx2zs7oh3m]

Wow that is the best explanation I have heard on attachment styles

[@NaturallyNyk]

This episode had quite a few hugs 😊 I’m grateful.

[@raphaelnoz8321]

What a helpful podcast- thank you!

[@ForrestHanson]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@angelamossucco2190]

This is the best summary of attachment styles and the components of the healing process that I have heard. We are generally harmed in relationship and we generally heal in relationship. I also recommend the work of Heidi Priebe. Forest and Rick, you are each a world treasure.

[@sharonaumani8827]

I love the speed bump analogy. I get the motivation piece, too. It's like you are not off the hook entirely. I like the idea of implications of being on your own side.

[@ricardocruz6880]

This was very insightfull. Thank you very much for this conversation and i'll looking forward for more.

[@user-hs5vp9if9i]

Great topic!!

[@inglestherightway]

Amazing video, packed full with highly shifting insights! Gimme more! I feel it already moving entire mountain ranges in me for at least a week on!

[@johncarton8005]

wonderful podcast...very hopeful & inspiring...we can be more healthy happy, & at peace with ourselves & others

[@vanessaskin]

I have been digging to the depth of attachment injury for a bit over a yr and I have not come across some key points that was mentioned in this video. Or maybe thru the progress of creating space to heal and lean towards secure attachment has made these points stand out, either way lol thank you! great video!

[@earlenefisher4634]

I just discovered this app and I’m so grateful for the knowledge that I’ve absorbed! The information about anxiety attachment has helped me immensely in my healing process, thank you so much❤😅🎉

[@joor9204]

you are the best! Thank you

[@SomethingNew1133]

Thank-you Dr. Rick and Forest Hanson! I find myself coming back to this very informative, helpful and supportive interview… as waves of understanding and supportive information help me understand and feel calm, understood and valued. Also learning how to value myself better. Learning healthier more comfortable ways to understand, nurture and value my happiness and emotional security.

[@ameliehachenberg7686]

Thank you so much for this episode! ❤ It helped me a lot to understand my partner and myself better! I am leaning strongly towards anxious attachment and had several new insights thanks to your awesome work. Thinking about, what my "block" could be that keeps me in behavioral patterns that do not work well in relationships.

[@sharonkende4774]

you are so on point. you start global, very global, like mention what is realistic and possible with examples, then you get specific. I also love that you are a dancer.

[@FaniRagoussi]

you are both wonderful!!!!!!! thank u

[@jmo534]

Hey I always find your videos so helpful and appreciate your intergenerational collaboration! I do find that I am interested in knowing if either of you have experience applying this attachment theory knowledge to autistic people - especially low assistance autistics like myself. The level of rejection disphoria that occurs for someone like me in regards to attachment feels so staggering and I admit that applying general FA attachment healing advice often feels at the very least daunting and incongruent and at the most completely inadequate. If you are educated in this arena or become so I would love to see a video with this topic covered! Thanks for all you do 🙏

[@pugninja7037]

A lovely rs you have with yr dad. Great podcast