90 Day Fiancé - (Deavan & Jihoon #3) - Trust - Therapist Reacts

Dr. Kirk Honda, couples therapist, reacts to 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way - Deavan & Jihoon. Includes clips from 90 Day: The Other Way, Season 1.
Therapist reaction to the reality television.
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Trigger Warning: This episode may include topics such as assault, trauma, and discrimination. If necessary, listeners are encouraged to refrain from listening and care for their safety and well-being.
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#90DayFiancé #DeavanandJihoon #PsychologyInSeattle

[@thebowandbullet]

If we go with the assumption of Jihoon having low self-esteem: Jihoon has shown several times that he can be pretty anxious and hard on himself. He may have looked up some common pop psych self-help to *_think positive_* or use *_life affirmations_* or *_manifesting what he wants_* . Unfortunately, although these can sometimes have a beneficial placebo effect, when used too much, these can cause the anxiety pendulum to swing to the opposite position, i.e. shoo off any worries, but not actually doing what you need to do to avoid negative consequences, which can lead to procrastination, poor planning, and poor outcomes, which then reinforces the initial problem of anxiety and low self-esteem.

[@Authentistic-ism]

I think you've explained my ex who was always putting off my request to talk

[@RibsYTaccount]

That’s definitely what it seems like. I used to be exactly like this where I already started off extremely low in self esteem, then when I’d try to use counseling methods that I was taught (to deal w the anxiety) I would always end up self-sabotaging & be extremely avoidant of my insecurities in order to cope. It’s a bad cycle for sure.

[@usagination]

That's a very good point My ex was like that too Positive talk = avoiding to resolve issues 🤷‍♀️

[@ChristinaChrisR]

This is the hypothesis I think is spot on

[@deannabanman243]

Thank you for talking about procrastination. I am a university honours grad and getting good grades was only priority in life, yet I still found it hard to begin an assignment. I actually enjoyed writing a paper once I got into it, but it's like going into to the gym getting up is the hardest part. My parents think I'm lazy and not determined but I believe they traumatized me early in life when I wanted to do something they'd shut me down. I wasn't even allowed to learn to hang a picture or paint a wall because my dad told me I didn't know how.. circlular reasoning? Now I just feel safe watching TV and I hate it. I know your videos are not a replacement for therapy but I've seen three different therapist more than a dozen times and none of them combined even comes close to what your videos have provided me. Not to mention the help they've provided me for classes. Thank you for what you do, and thanks so much to your pod wife Stacy 🙏🧡

[@starzzzy22]

I just want to say that a lot of us high achieving students struggle with procrastination (and didn't get much help to manage it as kids, but were still expected to achieve). A thing that helps me is knowing what kind of environment I need to work and what time of day I do my best work and using a time management technique like Pomodoro.

[@LAtttiful]

Wow. This sounds like me... I've never put those 2 ideas together, but it kinda makes sense. I also suffer from procrastination. And when I think back to my childhood (even now) my dad, (mom too) send a constantly message of "you cant do this because youre not like me", "you don't know as much as me", etc etc. When it wasn't put into words, it was put in a facial expressions. Part of my procrastination is ruminating over doing it right, fear of being disliked, fear of being perceived unqualified, etcetc.

[@deavanclegg3843]

Really enjoyed the video. He was 29 and I was 22 at the time. He is almost 7 years older. For the comments asking.

[@niklet9246]

Could you tell us how to pronounce his name?

[@tatiairwinn]

I knew it. When dr. Honda mentioned he was 22, i was skeptical and suddenly forgot how old he was

[@iamtheboneofmysword607]

Hope the babies are well

[@LilySaintSin]

Tbf, in East Asia, it's very common for people to live with their parents. It's part of the culture.

[@IndecentAngels]

Thank for sharing that info. The best thing about this show was the little I learned about other cultures. I don't watch these shows any more. For me its become mostly a teenage show.

[@luisasilva5638]

Also in some countries in South América, Im from Perú and its not weird to be 40 and still living with your parents, but If you start your own family its better to have your own space

[@germanshepherd6638]

Yes ,and thanks to student loans it’s now apart of western culture as well! 😭

[@tanya4691]

Its common in Hawaii too, melting pot of cultures and it is extremely difficult for young people to find rentals and afford the monthly payments.

[@notconvinced2204]

So many excuses for this guy.

[@toocutepuppies6535]

I have a slightly different take on Jihoon's style...I have somebody in my life who devolves into the "I'm a horrible person" mindset every time we need to have a serious conversation and I'm starting to think it's a way to avoid any kind of serious discussion about their negative behavior. Because as soon as they devolve, the conversation immediately changes the subject from "you did something that hurt my feelings" to "no, you're not a horrible person, you did a horrible thing" and you never even get to discuss the issue and they end up getting ALL the sympathy. I hate it. Issues NEVER get resolved and I've completely lost patience and I won't even bother discussing major issues any longer - and, maybe that's the point? Are they being "needy" or just "irritating?" How do you even discuss anything with those kinds of people???

[@rebecca-borg]

I had someone, an adult, in my life with a similar disposition. My choice was to not enable this behaviour. If it's an adult you're dealing with, holding them up to the regular standard of adult conversation gives them a chance to step up. If they don't, that's on them. Plus if you want to perhaps you can ask them disclosure questions with compassion when you're not in a conflict, e.g. the what, how, when questions. And still stick to your: When X happens, X is how it feels for me.

[@jjandcarolynhuff]

Yikes! I’m no clinician, but I would say something like, “I understand that discussing The [this issue] might make you feel like a terrible person, but in my view you being able to sit here with me and talk about shows a lot of maturity. So, do understand how “x” might make me feel “y” and could you help me understand what was happening?” Easier said than done if you’re already upset though! Good luck!

[@gideonbrown2366]

eh, when people want to 'talk about things' its shorthand for, i want to blame you and get my pound of flesh. It is WISE to avoid this.

[@gideonbrown2366]

yeah 'discuss' lol

[@rebecca-borg]

@@gideonbrown2366 I've recently realised that many persons interpret the phrase, "Let's talk about X." in exactly the way you describe. I've had to modify my language precisely because of this interpretation. I now instead ask when the person (partner/daughter/friend) is available to talk about X to find a solution together. Plus I think this phrase is over-played in movies and that this is a source of the negative connotation of the phrase. Besides the fact that persons in the past may have used this phrase in the exact way you describe, making it a trigger-phrase. It's a pity coz it's like seeing a person wearing a striped shirt being cruel, and then generalising that all persons wearing a striped shirt are cruel.

[@lanagustafson2905]

It's funny that you mention this now cuz just yesterday I was thinking about why I procrastinate so much and decided it's not because I'm lazy. I decided to not beat myself up for being lazy (which I'm not) and tried to think about what the real reason is (I see a lot of avoidant schemas in myself)

[@gunillajohnson9727]

Jihoon was actually 29 at the beginning of the series, I believe.

[@hope.0oo]

I thought he was 27 or 28

[@aznmochibunny]

@@hope.0oo I don't remember if Jihoon mentioned it, but in Korea, every child is born a year old, so the age he gave could have been his Korean age as opposed to his international age. But either way, it would only be a year less than his Korean year.

[@LaurenAnne6]

@@aznmochibunny Interesting! Good to know!

[@dogtrainer4645]

@@hope.0oo Yes I think so. Either way, he's old enough to have moved out on his own.

[@gull_s]

@@aznmochibunny it’s the same in Turkey. Never understood why this happened

[@annefrank7005]

The reason I find this so frustrating is because it happens so often that two people who barely knew each other do the most irresponsible thing (have unprotected sex and not expect to end up pregnant) and then somehow have an even more unrealistic expectation that the other person will all of sudden become responsible when the baby arrives. It drives me mad

[@CrimsonEclipse]

The problem is no one wants to be honest in the beginning of their relationship and about the lack of resourcefulness they have. If they were honest with themselves they would also feel bad about being a deadbeat who refused to take responsibility. But at the same time knowing your limitations and be totally honest could also prevent the other person to depend on you more so than they should. Example if Jihoon would had just been honest to begin with, Deaven's wouldn't had quit her job and sold her stuff and move to South Korea and get married to him and expected to be taken care of like he said he would. She would had just stayed home and continued to work and have her network of support. Sure I feel bad for Jihoon when Deaven Gaslight him but at the same time he should had just been honest to begin. They wouldn't have such a messy break up.

[@KJ-ut4rw]

They did use condominium, but it slipped. If I remember correctly Deacon had to buy extra small when she went to Korea.

[@annefrank7005]

@@CrimsonEclipse But why have an expectation of honesty, maturity or responsbility from a person you met once and got pregnant off ? Jihoon went from going on one date - to BOOM! you're going to be a father to *our* child *and* the one I have from a previous relationship *and* you are now financially responsible for *all* 4 of us ! He is immature but she's on a different level of reality

[@annefrank7005]

@@KJ-ut4rw That's what emergency contraception is for

[@CrimsonEclipse]

@@annefrank7005 because Jihoon said he would take care of her and continue to tell her he can handle it and told her to move to South Korea. Like why agree to any of this especially if the red flags about Deaven is already there?

[@taveechin247]

Unrelated to the video, but after watching you for the last few months I’ve undoubtedly become a better partner. Thank you for the incredible content ❤️ !

[@gracie1312]

I hope it goes both ways!

[@LaurenAnne6]

My partner does plenty of things that I used to interpret as him not caring about me. He has ADHD, which causes behaviors that come across as uncaring but really he's just having a moment. I've learned to usually meet him with compassion and understanding rather than anger, but every so often I get really upset. Especially when I am processing my childhood trauma with him and he grabs his phone. I know he can't help it and doesn't mean to withdraw but it still hurts sometimes. To his credit, he does an amazing job at owning his actions and apologizing.

[@salife549]

Dr. Honda, you just sumarized their path. It happens as you describe. How sad if you think that they had such a good chamce to avoid this end

[@Sofysgalaxy]

Dr Kirk predicting an entire season right here 😂 HOW DOES HE KNOWWW

[@kosovareduraku8165]

I was at this meeting yesterday that was organised for loved ones of people who suffer from addiction. At one point they explained co dependency, and they basically said that we - the loved ones - are co dependent on the drug user. I wanted to scream through the screen so bad 🤣🤣🤣 immediately thought of your previous mini rants about dependency and Co dependency

[@hectorskmetija3015]

This video was too short 😭 I NEED more!

[@Teenywing]

There is no other channel on KZbin that I learn this much from. I love how much I have to think about from every video you post!! ♥️♥️♥️🤓🤓

[@celineg9022]

Interesting to note on attachment style and procrastination, I am quite avoidant and I often procrastinate on making social commitments. I can relate to Jihoon in some areas, interesting commentary on this couple! Thanks

[@tanya4691]

I also am avoidant except with my kids and husband although i do have my days. I avoid social commitments and if i do make a commitment i am sick to my stomach until said event occurs, most often i will find reasons to cancel.

[@LilySaintSin]

🤦‍♀️I feel bad for Jihoon, but yikes!

[@Prisonmate]

This is very sad. The victim here is the baby. This woman decided to have sex with a stranger (someone she does not know well). By itself, that is their business. However, she got pregnant and decided to go through the birth. Here she is a single woman with another child and now another baby on it's way. The is being setup for failure when she does not have the financial means or family support to have another child. Marrying Jihoon (a stranger) was not answer to provide for the baby. Was she thinking she will have a 20 year season career span with the TLC 90Day Fiance as a means of making money? Will the son be part of the show for another 20 years? Stop saying they were in love. They were never in love. Jihoon wanted sex with a white American woman and Deavan wanted a half Asian mixed baby and fame. Now she will move on with her life if she can find another man that will accept her with two children with two different fathers. The victims here are the innocent children.

[@tanya4691]

She has already moved on with another korean man, she definitely has a type, she dresses jihoons son and new boyfriend in matching outfits. I don’t think either of them are bad people just immature and made decisions to bring a baby into their difficulties.

[@Prisonmate]

@@tanya4691 Yes, immature. very immature. And the children will pay the price. I see no positive future for them. Just lots of drama. In twenty years, the children will be on the show with their online drama.

[@BeautyBySilence]

@@Prisonmate Hi Henry, I’m assuming you’re Chinese because of your last name. I liked your comment because I agree with it 100%. Do you agree that Deavan has a fetish for Korean men since she has admitted before that she has dated lots of them and the current guy she’s with is a Korean man again? What do you as an Asian men think of white women who have fetishes for Asian men?

[@janicedahlman8715]

Did Dr. Honda hypothesize that Brandon might have dependent personality too? Some of what he said reminded me of that.

[@mariajenkins943]

Yes he has speculated Brandon would be a good candidate to be assessed for dependent personality disorder. A lot of similar analysis here

[@janicedahlman8715]

@@mariajenkins943 Thx- I'm curious to listen to the deep dive on that now.

[@User-nd3wl]

what about adhd?? i’m really surprised you didn’t mention that as a cause of procrastination and what jihoon possibly may have

[@LynnAp00]

he doesn't recognize abuse in women either lol.

[@CrimsonEclipse]

He was 29. Deavan was 22 when the show started. I do believe Jihoon is a dependent personality type. He lived with his parents in the beginning of the show and didn't really plan a head for Deaven's arrive even if he had several months a head of time. He also relied on his parents a lot. Even his mom had to money manage his income when he got in trouble law and had a huge fines for stealing stolen cellphones. He also depends on his parents to pay for his wedding and constantly has his parents around to help with something at the last minute. Jihoon is a sweet guy but he is a man-child. He isn't ready to move out of his parents place even though he was expected to start his own family.

[@aznmochibunny]

To be fair, it's common in Asian cultures for the parents to pay for the wedding, at least partially.

[@CrimsonEclipse]

@@aznmochibunny it usually depends on the income of the couple. If the couple is financially well-off they usually don't have the parents pay for the wedding. But instead parents would instead offer more gifts instead.

[@christyess8288]

Jihoon's actually only 4 years older than her. Jihoon's born in 92 and she's born in 96. The show messed up his age.

[@deavanclegg3843]

He was born 1990 he's 31

[@deavanclegg3843]

@@christyess8288 we are 7 years apart he's 31 I'm 24

[@arletamoya3256]

Lets remember these shows are edited so we’re not seeing everything.

[@vercoda9997]

He was hopeless and hapless, but She - Yikes. And her Exorcist-level daughter whose wild behaviour She utterly ignored - double-yikes.

[@mistym0rning]

The daughter is clearly a product of the mom’s incompetent and careless parenting.

[@kikyaaakun]

Yayyyy I can’t wait to watch Dr Honda to react on next season. This guy is devastating to watch.

[@BarbaraThorndyke]

Geez... Doc did not have to read me like that 🤣 re: dependent/avoidant personalities.

[@morganyoung677]

Love your videos! I was wondering if you would react to any of ester perels ted talks ?! I think it could be really interesting to hear your thoughts !

[@monical1778]

Anyone has binged on this youtube channel today or just me?

[@eliettydevesa]

i cant stop watching

[@tardigrade312]

Nail on head dr honda.

[@Zullala]

Jihoon has to learn to take responsibility for his feelings and actions though. I totally understand him having the urge to just fall into his despair and negative self schemas... But it's gunna effect his entire family if he just resorts to, "I'm terrible, I'm bad!" then resigns himself to those labels. He's gotta try to resolve some of his issues. I was with a man like Jihoon and while I deeply sympathized with him I couldn't stay if he wasn't going to/couldn't make an effort to help himself.

[@gideonbrown2366]

lol, imagine how little sympathy a man would get if he said 'my girlfriend had low self esteem and wouldnt fix it so i dumped her'

[@shelbielynne9609]

My boyfriend is actually a lot like Jihoon when it comes to procrastinating and not working. He hasn't had a job in a few years now, and the last time he had one he was MISERABLE the entire time. He also has no motivation to do pretty much anything: take care of himself, wake up during the day, be intimate, clean etc..all he does is sleep all day and play video games at night, he refuses to talk about his feelings, and he is basically a shell. I broke the other day and laid all of my feelings about this behavior on the line to him and he told me that he has zero motivation to work or go to school or take care of himself because he "hates the world, doesn't want to work because anyone who says they WANT to work or be productive is either crazy or lying, can't stand being around people, can't stand being awake during the day, and doesn't care about working on himself because he hates himself and nothing will change that." He genuinely does not want to do anything other than laze around every day, and it's been this way for a very long time. He's also in therapy (we have the same therapist and she's amazing) and says that it does nothing for him and therefore makes it pointless to even try to improve himself..because "if therapy can't help..how can he help himself?" It's a very difficult situation, but I wanted to comment this just to point out that there are people who genuinely just do not care and don't want to put the effort into caring. 😔

[@TheRoseMage]

You deserve better Shelby.

[@daisydove3336]

Girl… run :)

[@Spacecadetteful]

Why are you still with this person?

[@alixs3187]

I'm not sure your boyfriend does not care. It sounds a lot like some serious depression to me. I'm sure he does care deep down but just as Dr. Kirk was explaining, sometimes the care is overshadowed by intense beliefs about one's self worth. It sounds like a very difficult situation for the both of you and I'm so sorry. :(

[@jacquelinele9170]

It kinda sounds like he's depressed?

[@unkreativina1]

10:10 Maybe they think that there is always somebody better than themselves (often probably in close proximity)... Btw. I am not diagnosed (with AvPD), but you are describing me pretty well.

[@irairod5160]

At about 11 minutes in, you froze the video on a frame of the baby's face in profile...he looks exactly like Jihoon when he furrows his brow!

[@heidahakonar2643]

Im so invested

[@alixs3187]

I think he was actually 29 at the time of filming this season?

[@druoleary]

Before we rip Jihoon for the crime of being born male, I think we should consider the cultural attitudes to 1st born boys and especially only sons. I come from a European culture where sons can do no wrong. They can be lazy, boozing, wasters but their mother will have an excuse as to why the son has not yet received his Noble Prize. I’m an only girl with several brothers. When I earned my PhD my mother said, “it should have been your brothers.” I was expecting that so I just rolled my eyes. My brothers achieved the feat of having their 1st child be a boy named after them! They proved their worth.

[@AnnieShang-b8p]

Just wanna ask are you going to react to rhobh this week. Can’t wait to hear you opinion on Erika and her husband’s relationship.

[@corneliakobilke4638]

I think they mean co dependent because a lot of the time they are both dependent on eachother. They hurt each other. But they each cant let go either. So it is very much the same as co dependency, minus the drugs abuse

[@jke387]

This video has been extremely helpful to me, out of all that I've seen from PIS

[@_______6398]

Hi dr Kirk, what is a common type of trauma a child experiences that keeps them retaining their black and white thinking as they grow up into adults. Especially ones with BPD or Bipolar Disorder?

[@daisydove3336]

I live in asia, it’s not that common anymore to live with parents, unless they have to. Jihoon is clearly old enough to take care of his fmly (well he jumped in to the marriage anyway).

[@josuebaxxie1]

It's kinda annoying because she makes a big deal about him living with his parents but she also was living with her parents

[@CrimsonEclipse]

@@josuebaxxie1 the difference is age. She was 22 when they met and he was 28. Also she is a single mom and her parents helped her baby sit and take care of her daughter.

[@josuebaxxie1]

@@CrimsonEclipse not really. She should be the first to understand that circumstances make it so you have to live at home. But also she did no research on the cost of living in S.korea she would know most people jihoons age and older still live with their parents because of how expensive it is/job market.

[@aznmochibunny]

@@CrimsonEclipse Amber Clay is right. South Korea is really expensive, and Deavan wanted, and expected a big house. A big house is next to impossible in the big cities, especially with Jihoon's lack of income. The apartment that he managed to get was not that bad, especially if it was a temporary arrangement. At the very least, it was a place away from his parents and a roof over their heads.

[@CrimsonEclipse]

@@aznmochibunny I don't think most people actually pay attention to the show. Apparently Deaven was the one who paid for the apartments herself because Jihoon was in a lot of debt. The show also kept calling Deaven the bread winner since she was the one who actually has any savings. She and Jihoon were looking for apartments and she saw the prices online but Jihoon was the only person who could go there and check it out before hand. From what is sounds the photos she saw was not the same as the actual apartment she got. Not surprised why she was mad. In a way she did some research but she was hoping to rely on the judgment of Jihoon and with her money. Afterall she was paying for the apartments at least the first couple of months plue deposit until his income starts rolling in. It's not that easy to bounce back and have money available especially if Jihoon beside had credit debts and also $50k something in fines because of illegally selling stolen cellphones. Truth be told sure they are both idiots but when it comes to money wise Deaven is the one paid for an apartment she didn't want and picked by her broke husband. So can't really blame her for being mad. Sure cost of living in South Korea is expensive but at the same time she didn't have to sell all her personal belongings and constantly be told she would be taken care of but instead use up whatever life savings she had at the time since she didn't know how broke her husband was. Based on age wise and financial situation and how both of them living with their parents. One person some how has more money than the other person even if she has a child to take care of. One person some how still broke and have credit card debt while still living with their parent as a single man. I would agree Deaven shouldn't expect much from Jihoon but at the same time if she actually didn't expect anything from him she wouldn't had quit her job leave her support network and moved to South Korea and marry him.

[@paulinama56]

anyone else noticing that Jihoon (in the solo interview) and Dr. Honda match a bit?? 👁️👄👁️

[@acd1168]

Jihoon isn’t ready because he isn’t. She is hard on him.

[@nancyharris5530]

Jihoon has a mother

[@rorik.3842]

are you kinda describing " borderline personality disorder" ??.... could that be it.,.? when I hear black and white thinking..this is what I remember ..

[@janicedahlman8715]

I was thinking the same thing when he talked about childhood relational trauma.

[@luisasilva5638]

OMG... I have some similarities with Jihoon and recently I have been diagnosticated with boderline personality

[@janicedahlman8715]

@@luisasilva5638 I have some similarities with Brandon and have borderline.

[@luisasilva5638]

@@janicedahlman8715 we can beat that 🙌🙌🙌 I hope you are doing well

[@janicedahlman8715]

@Luisa Silva Yes we can 💪🏼 😊

[@BeatriceHernandez]

Isn’t Jihoon 30? 🤔

[@nomadicsculpt]

Jihoon is not a psychopath. He’s had arrested development and is on the level of a 13-15 year old. When he puts himself down it’s him blowing smoke into all our asses. It’s for fishing for compliments and for getting attention of which he craves over all. Deavan on the other hand is a black hole with legs. Joy, mirth and light just disappear everywhere she goes.

[@VictoriaMorrisa]

I think he didn’t get the car seat until the last minute because he doesn’t have money and he didn’t know if they would actually come