A 2020-2021 Diary (5TIAGFT) And Other Ramblings

This was hard to share, but felt I should as it was such a tough year. If I can make it through, so can others too.
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[@beckiejbrown]

Hello, this is my first video in half a year. I don't post so much in recent years... I'm exceptionally nervous about this. Appreciate feedback and anything that happens. Thank you.

[@LuxDiabolico]

Hearing from you is always comforting, the fact that you share what goes on in your head/life really makes me feel better about doing the same. Hope you're doing well!

[@astoriakid41]

Also be Thankful for your really Beautiful Hair & those gorgeous Eyes of yours**

[@SkyVoidify]

I've been following you on and off since your "She takes a Photo" video. I'm glad you posted this, it takes courage to do things and even more to put it online. And while negativity is certainly rampant online, you'll find genuinely good people too. It's pretty easy to relate to you since we're the same age, so it's always encouraging when you post things like this. I hope the future has more bright days than dark ones for you.

[@kuramsk4714]

Lovely to see you back Rebecca x sending love and hugs

[@luciab.2287]

i really enjoyed this video, it's nice to see you here again

[@beckiejbrown]

I'm very nervous, so going to step away and tune back in later on. If anyone says hello, thank you. x

[@tomnader8990]

I started following you on KZbin after I watched your picture everyday video. I can’t tell you how happy it made me to see the remarkable woman you have become. You are strong, resilient and a role model for young people who struggle. KZbin is the only social media I use and I truly appreciate your updates. Continue being strong.

[@puhkaberik1356]

Me too! And I also appreciate youtube updates for the same reason!

[@lauramccullagh980]

the little note of surprise at "i AM grateful I'm alive" is so familiar and really hit home. That discovery after a long difficult time is like a bit of sunshine after the rain. Im in a similar period of life and this video was so grounding to see. Thank you for your vulnerability in this.

[@LaurenandtheCrew]

I've grown up with your videos and watching your life since I stumbled across your Life in Technicolour edited video (however long ago that was!) coincidently your video introduced me to that song and it's been my favourite of all songs since, so thank you for that first off. I'm a '92 baby too and could often relate to a lot of what you have been through in the past. Your videos are always so insightful and make me think alot about my own life right too, thank you again for this. I don't care how long you go without sharing, it's always so nice to see a video from you pop up in my sub box. I'm glad things are going well and getting better for you. You're a genuinely good person, you truly deserve it. Also, love the red glasses, they look amazing on you. And the hair is looking great!

[@RealElongatedMuskrat]

I also grew up with her videos and I'm so grateful for anything she chooses to share now as we're adults. I think I've really felt seen by Rebecca's videos, her expressing her mind in such an honest, clear way. Even if she doesn't feel like she's being clear sometimes, I've always felt acknowledged and validated by her thoughts and musings, because so many of them have resonated with me during a time when I felt very very down and very very alone. Hope you're doing well, fellow long term viewer! We've been going along our own little rollarcoasters in parallel.

[@Diimondc]

I've been subscribed to you since you were 16 (so was I, turned 30 in July) and I love how you capture your life + how you edit by including older footage. It's been wonderful watching you grow as a person ❤

[@beckiejbrown]

Thank you x

[@mollybrady1416]

thank you so much for sharing this

[@WhateverIsTrue01]

I’m so sorry you went through such a hard time and that you got hate for something so beautiful and positive. I’m always encouraged by your videos whenever they pop up!

[@sunlightheaded]

Hey Beckie, so happy to see you back, in whatever context. I always find your videos so soothing

[@ravenjoybower]

The last few seasons have been....challenging in so many different ways, that we're all still finding words for (or failing to, rather). I am grateful that you are still here, and that you have shared this. Keep taking care of yourself, you're a wonderful person.

[@AveryyMarie]

This was wonderful to watch. Reflecting is hard sometimes but beautiful in a way. I’ve watched you for YEARS and I will never get tired of your videos and presence

[@luciab.2287]

this was really lovely. i appreciate especially the long period between you finishing the commentary and you editing. i think adding that bit was really smart because as you said hindsight is so important. i don't often comment on videos, but i have watched you for oh it must be close to ten years now and i am always really impressed by the way you talk about yourself, your struggles and your life path. a lot of us go through life without the strength to reflect over the hard times, we gloss things over, forget entire periods (or years even). you have literally maintained an archive of yourself for much of your adolescence and all your adult life and that's really impressive to me. i also respect the distance that you have created between yourself and your content, you know, how you share significantly less every year. i think that is also part of growing up. always wishing you well

[@stacey738]

Ah Beckie. That ending really resonated with me. Im 5 years older than you (35) and i remember the shift that happend in my late 20s and early 30s. I just became so much more grounded and experienced and mature and comfortable with myself. I see that you're going through that too. It wss a hard time for me, but afterwards i felt so much more comfortable and happy and mature. It was great. Now I'm so happy to have been through what i did. Im so glad to see you're doing well.

[@brielleelise9558]

As someone reaching 30 herself, I really appreciated your hindsight. All of this really resonated with me. Congratulations on fully completing and releasing this project.

[@daeundances]

rebecca! its so good to see you, you were the first youtuber i actually subscribed to after stumbling across one of your photo a day videos. sending you lots of love! btw you and your hair looks absolutely wonderful💕

[@ChrisCPKrolls]

Always a breath of fresh air hearing your take and perspective on things Beckie. Always grateful to see you still sharing. Despite having followed for probably 7 years now your sharing about Trish has become more impactful for me as of this year. Nearly lost my leg in January and 70% of my leg below the knee is now a skin graft. However, having seen your journey with trish has helped me be able to walk around in shorts with out it bothering me. I've even had a chance to inspire others whom also having things that make them self-conscious.

[@batchout]

Grateful for a video out of the blue from people I grew up with parasocially years ago. Thank you dear Rebecca!

[@kortninikkole]

Oh! I missed you! Thank you for a new post & also, happy belated birthday 🎂

[@jamiefields8145]

It's really great to hear from you Beckie. I'm glad you've gotten to a place where you're feeling more comfortable sharing your inner thoughts and feelings like this again. I hope things continue looking up for you.

[@seasidestripes]

I for one love how open you are about how hard life can be, it helps me a lot

[@hannahproctor6208]

Also fast approaching 30 here! I have very similar feelings about my past self even as soon as 1-2 years ago. It's amazing how quickly we grow and look back so differently at things with hindsight. I'm glad you only share as much as you are comfortable sharing - but just grateful that you share at all. Your content means a lot to me and I have followed you for years. You are one resilient lady and you absolutely should be proud of yourself for that. You can do anything Beckie. I have always adored how real you are. Big hugs.

[@sprinkle_stardust]

You truly do help people feel seen, understood and not alone through your openness and vulnerability. This is a special and powerful gift. I don’t doubt this places a lot of pressure and unrealistic expectations on you and I am saddened by the hatred and negativity you receive. I am grateful for you, Rebecca, and wish you (and your family) nothing but the best. x

[@rachelm2798]

Always appreciate an upload from you!

[@blazingvalhallaVODS]

Grateful to see another video pop up after a long time from a person I’ve been watching for years and indeed miss seeing post. Good to see you again and we’ll said for everything. Sorry for the hardship you have been through, but even through it your still grateful for things gives me hope and makes me question how I’m viewing this hard time in my life, so I’m grateful for that. Much love

[@dalekmoon]

Good to see and hear from you. All the best. ♥

[@C_Beaty]

I loved the editing on this, really neat to see your thoughts as your younger and older self cut in. My 20s were some of the hardest years of my life. My 30s were fantastic because I finally felt like I was figuring out who I was and what I wanted. I hope your 30s are just as great!

[@NewYork1231000]

you are very good at sharing and finding words for the whole inside stuff

[@NonstopNoah]

Wow, I just turned 33 on the 1st and I've been watching your vids here and there since high school. I'm always glad when things start going uphill for you. Like a lot of your viewers, im just here silently routing for you and hoping things turn out for the best. Hang in there, champ!

[@nevertheonexo]

I looked forward to seeing and reading your gratitude post every day. Our pandemic experiences were kinda different-I'm in Canada for one thing. But it was nice to see your Perserverance and commitment for a whole year. Even if I didn't know the context with behind anything, or I could only glean or thought I might have known some small thing, I was still happy to see your post. I enjoyed both sets of commentary you offered about the experience, they both had very different vibes to them. I really enjoyed your current commentary, there seems to be more maturity in that one-part of that is hindsight like you said. But there seems to be an understated confidence in who you are and more sure-ness is what you know you need to do for you to be happy. I can really appreciate that as I also turned 30 this year and have reached what I think might be a similar spot for me. I was really happy to see an upload from you. Thank you for sharing!

[@djoyplans]

this is so reminiscent of your early vlogs, it has made me feel incredibly nostalgic!

[@russodd]

Welcome back! Whatever happens going forward, you made this, and this was a joy to behold. Glad you're still out there, still working through things and finding reasons to keep going. The pandemic was (has been) a weird time for all of us, though in different ways I suppose. I had my first kid a couple months before it hit, got let go from my job of eight years a couple weeks before that, had to celebrate my 40th birthday on Zoom... But I'm still here too. And I have an amazing, exhausting little person for my wife and I to share our lives with. It can get lonely here sometimes at Planet House, that we don't often venture far from, but at least things like this video remind me that there are other folks out there to be lonely together with. :)

[@bellapaton7512]

I think we all wish we could give our younger selves a hug god damn she needed one

[@ell.100]

Grateful for finding this video 💕

[@magyonselo3113]

Welcome back Rebecca, so good to see you and hear from you here, sending love from Montreal !

[@bellapaton7512]

Hey beckie! Commented on ur insta a while back saying I'd been watching u since I was 17 can't believe it's been six years already. I've checked in with your channel to see how you are doing every now and then and I'm so happy you're happier

[@tiffiepink13]

I’m thinking of doing this project for 2023. Thank you for the inspiration. You’re so amazing! 💗

[@decemberelegy]

Your commentary on Internet culture is very valuable. I admire your courage to keep speaking about the topics of privacy and sharing personal details in the age of social media. I appreciate your presence on Internet a lot and I wish you all the best ❤️

[@beckiejbrown]

I mean, there's so much more I suppose. I had already felt alienated before Covid, but Covid seemed to make it worse. When my partner started going awol, then ghosting - my phone was my best friend. That took another year to break. Sometimes people are alone in the world and the only connection is through a phone. The act of sharing through a phone during covid was both helpful and harmful. The internet is complicated. It can save and harm, sometimes at once. I know TikTok in early 2021 helped me. That connection with other humans going through similar fights. Hearing people talk about minimum wage rather than the latest renovation project or gifted experience or amazing work life. Suddenly felt like I had a voice even if through others. Tiktok isn't perfect, but that app has provided connection in places that KZbin used to, even if as a viewer.

[@ffstopP]

...and I'm grateful for you. I have always enjoyed your candor, insights, and generous spirit, and look forward to your next post (soon.)

[@cavlizzy]

We are thrilled to see you!! Hope you are staying warm. Happy Birthday!! Love from Texas

[@zedcharlie]

Another thing for you to be grateful for. Perfect diction. Pleasure to listen to you. I.m 61 now. It goes faster and faster. 30.s was my prime. I hope it is for you. 👍❤ Oh and I miss the video at the little Chapel by the water. So relaxing.

[@blandwiches]

Long-time viewer, happy to see you here in any form!

[@thaliawalia]

This was really interesting and wonderful to watch. You’re right, we really do forget how it was at the start of the pandemic. I was in my senior year of university and was sent home, and then on the first day of lockdown my Grandpa died and my mom and Grandma (his widow) got Covid. I also really looked to my phone as an outlet to remember that other people were alive and existed. It might sound weird to say, but I grew up with your videos. I started watching around the age of 12 (2010) and am now approaching 25, also without many conventional milestones. I’ve never had a partner, don’t have a “nice” job, and am one year out from the loss of my cousin, who was only 23 at the time. I hope it doesn’t sound too parasocial to say, but I am also grateful to see you reach your 30th birthday. I’m not sure if you would consider yourself strong, but it has been great this past year to see you finally receive confirmation of your neurodivergence, and I’m grateful to see you continue despite the way people on the internet can be so evil and cruel. Your kindness and love towards your cats and your passions despite all the struggles you have is always a reminder to me to be grateful for my cat, who I love so much, and for those “little” things which can be the only tether to some kind of happiness. Happy Birthday 💗

[@chrissycopeland8064]

In the past 3 months, but especially the month of September my mental health plummeted and it was extremely hard to feel grateful for anything. I would literally be grateful I felt well enough to shower that day or I'd be thankful that someone else was taking my place in my daughter's activities. I hated missing out on her life but I knew she was never alone.

[@LauraBwayMorris]

We missed your videos, but it’s important to have some me time. So we understand appreciate your honesty. Oh, and welcome back 😊

[@ConalCochran]

Very often the updates you give us all are one of the things I'm most grateful for each day. Really. So good to see you back on here. I had missed your vlogs sooooo much! You mentioned squirrels. Have you ever seen The Great Rupert? I JUST found out about it and intend to watch it tonight!

[@lensolla7777]

This was a beautiful video. Thank you

[@RB-vo4gi]

I’m always so excited for a check in with you.

[@paradoxcipher6186]

Miss seeing you on KZbin. Thanks for sharing. Love the gratitude discussion.

[@DipsetBabiizz]

💕💕💕Thank you for sharing this with us, I always wish the best for you💕💕💕

[@WiWillemijn]

Good to see you! You're so good at talking and expressing :)

[@WiWillemijn]

It makes me happy to see that we both have the same length hair now :)

[@lyraluna4430]

[@WiWillemijn]

Love the design of all those stories😊

[@МихаилТерентьев-и9ш]

steel beauty glad to see you from times to times

[@saxonmor]

My gawd, you're going to be 30 this year?!? Where does the time go? You came to mind the other day when I was organizing some coins. Do you still have the US State quarters? This is the first time I have signed on to You Tube in moons. I haven't posted in far longer. I'm glad I signed on so soon after a recent post. Glad to see you are alive and well, at least, as well as a person can be in this crazed world. As always best wishes, hope life is kind to you!

[@beckiejbrown]

30 tonight.... I know, scary! I do. I don't believe they are still as they were back in 2009 as the plastic has sort of disintegrated, but I certainly have them ALL. I cared for them back then but the older I grew, the more I cherished them. Incredible to have. I have, however, lost the jar of coins I held up in Jan 2009. We believe an exchange student stole my jar when they stayed with us in the 2010s. coin collection continued on though.

[@beckiejbrown]

Amazingly, I still have missed some censor boxes out. There were 360+ of those stories to go through so 1500+ things to read and analyse... I could have missed more. I've found three so far I honestly am uncomfortable with, though two show my mindset. I was exceptionally low. Interesting, even after posting, something I didn't take into account is that people's first watch through wouldn't be pausing and reading (that is if anyone watched at all). Some of what I say in 2022 may not ring in the same way without reading it through.... I don't think there was a perfect way to go through this. When I started the project, I never intended to showcase like this. It was only nearing the end that I considered it. That's another huge factor. It was honestly during, without the intent to document so longterm. Stories are 24 hours (in theory. The hate forums screenshot things that they love or criticise or support their narratives of humans, so things live on out of contexts there). Lots more could be said on this.

[@bluefleur57]

I was inspired by your gratitude posts and started using this app called Presently to capture something I'm grateful for each day. Just hit 700 days of gratitude ❤

[@corinthwarriors]

You look absolutely fabulous,,,glad to see back

[@Snowdragon.]

Rebecca; thank you for your latest vid. Your amazing person and you don’t give your self the credit ): Your such a powerful person, and thank you for being you - please don’t change who you are … please. Plus your so beautiful and you make me smile when I’m down - thank you

[@MewWolf5]

I know this isn't the main point of the video, but I notices "Lucy Worsley's docs" on one of your list screenshots. I just want to say, I agree! She's great! Her docs are always interesting and I learn new things.

[@noor7611]

Glade to see you again 💕

[@Gagging4Lit]

Watched you since 2014 and I always enjoy your content

[@2801km]

Got to admit that I missed all of your videos (including those videos that you've private it). Hoping to see them back :')

[@KristiDreamer]

I love your views and how you view the world. I also believe you when you say how hard it is to be validated in your neuro divergence. I'm someone who can diagnose autism in children for educational purposes in America, special educator who specializes in autism. It can be so hard to get help but I believe you and I in you.

[@sarahstarmonie]

I remember seeing these at the time on instagram! I could not imagine doing it for a year solid, very interesting to see your thought process as you went on with it!

[@DopamineSchizo]

you look pretty rebecca! wish you the best

[@paigetaylor3330]

💛💛💛

[@katihoehl]

Thank you so much for sharing this

[@Dogofjudah]

It's always fascinating when people with ASC are Christian, or religious in general. To each their own. Great to see you upload a video :)

[@jolienbrams8810]

Love you Rebecca ❤

[@matsutsuav]

🥺yes, the pandemic also had a mental health and physical impact😢 😡lockdown+brexit. i hope you have been grateful to the lord for your happiness. Always praying for you and your parents. Thank you, Rebecca, for uploading a video, 😊God bless

[@rhondas.9385]

hey Becky,,,, glad to see you are doing better than before, & yes the last few yrs of covid jail, & just everything is in crisis mode, even our emotions,,, well I know mine have been all over the place last 2 yrs... yikes girl.... also your hair looks amazing 🙂

[@Amadeusthegreat100]

Thank you for that.

[@elenchanted9904]

I know you get anxious posting but I do love hearing from you

[@pinkiipus]

Sometimes surviving is all you can do. The rest can come later. One thing I am grateful for is my little sister making it thru giving birth safely, and little one making it too.

[@stoffmiester]

Great to see you back(even though I follow your insta) ❤

[@BasicDrumming]

Great video. I like your eyeshadow.

[@apple1667]

Would loveeee to see more videos on Christianity! Would you ever consider visiting an Orthodox Church?

[@cassandrad8970]

Hi Beckie, I miss you and hope you’re doing well ❤

[@skritchesdeath5752]

I don’t even know where to start. Becky you are truly an inspirational person, even if you do vlog much now, when you do, you tend to show the world that it’s ok to not be ok but also to actually be ok. You show that everyone has sh*t they need to deal with and we all struggle and that’s ok. You are just awesome. You are still the nicest Christian I have ever seen anywhere. Most other church goers I’ve ever known retain a horrid sense of “holier than thou” excuse the pun or worse use it to justify mental abuse. Stay awesome.

[@beckiejbrown]

Christians aren't all good people. The perception is that if you're Christian, you're a good person - is a false one. Christian means faith in Christ. I personally am going through a period of disconnection due to ASD/ND and general learning of other faiths. I do believe in God/Jesus, but people who are ASD are known to struggle with faith (thats amazing to me to learn as I too have across my adulthood)... I'm trying to look overall. There is a God and mankind (as mainly men are recorded) have sort of.... generated everything. It's such a fluid topic... so my writing of this could be dated in months haha. Also though, one can come across 'holier than thou' but also 'I have it worse than you'. I know people are struggling worse than I am. Sometimes even opening up, particularly in modern times, can inadvertently come across that we think we have it worse than all else :(. Everyone struggles.... even if struggles vary. And struggles can vary over lifetimes too. Someone at 14 could be sobbing about starting her periods, the same person could be crying about miscarriage at 34, same person break down at 54 as parents dying and at 74 being diagnosed with dementia.... All struggling and the struggles matter to us. Yeah... there are times when we're not okay. To go one step further, there are times when we're not okay, aware of it and there is no help/no answers or being okay is years away. That's the worst. Depends what it is. I remember saying to a GP as a younger person that no amount of antidepressants will fill the fridge with food or bring dead people back to life or grow my hair. Sometimes it takes time. Complicated to write about as depends on the difficulties we're going through.

[@skritchesdeath5752]

@@beckiejbrown oh wow, you had a diagnosis of ASD? I had mine later at 40 years old almost 5 years ago now (I’m 45 on the 28th). It’s such a weird thing when it happens. I had this massive sense of relief and things made sense, but it then opened a massive flood gate of other questions and especially reinforced why my family are so vile and toxic. I have become hyper aware of some things but also completely oblivious and nonplussed about others as a result. I can only imagine the conflict your mind is having regarding the faith thing.l; born raised and taught about god, but pure ASD logic and bluntness tells you it’s all dubious at least and wrong at most. I was raised lazy CofE. By that I mean we weren’t regular church goers but relied on school. As I grew older I didn’t lose faith I merely looked at things more logically and determined that nature is far more connected than we would like to believe. That said, I never 100% lost faith because I can still feel moved and at peace at midnight mass, or just alone in a church. My feeling about organised religion is that I don’t believe in one being but that we are all one being, so I see it (organised religion) purely as something of faith. Faith to me is different to belief - to believe in god, you must fully acknowledge that god exists and there is tangible proof in your mind that backs that up. Faith to me is that you follow in the teachings but not necessarily believe the one single or multiple beings. The issue you then have to fight with there is lip service, can you honestly say that isn’t just lip service? No I don’t think so. I believe there was a Jewish dude, who took the teachings of Judaism and grew them. I believe he had some good ideas… I could go on but that would require way more space, I hope you get my point (kinda) and I hope I haven’t offended you. I have to be honest, I agree with what you said about the Christian thing, my problem is that I have met too many that use it to justify harm in others even their own children.l and that kinda taints my feelings slightly. The holier than thou part is life perception isn’t it, but I think is connected to ego and mental health. If a person is come across holier than thou is it their ego or your perception driven by mental health?

[@MartinDeHill]

KZbin is angry that you didn't upload for a while - I didn't get a notification

[@bellapaton7512]

Oml I'm so glad your sweet mumma is cancer free

[@christianreese1010]

𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕞𝕠𝕤𝕞

[@robbyhanna2429]

it takes a man to sleep through his nightmares until the very end and it takes a bigger man to wipe the sweat from his brow, after he's done that, and off his perspiration with a lick

[@robbyhanna2429]

the density of atoms smashing against atoms react to fuel fathoms filling future space and time formed by electromagnetic energy anthems that your elderly father took from you

[@robbyhanna2429]

Zombie infection?