A Couple's Therapist On How Money Poisons Relationships

[@CaraMarie13]

To quote Teresa, "cuando el hambre entra por la puerta el amor sale por la ventana (when hunger comes through the door, love goes out the window)". This has always been true and will always be true. The best partnerships I've seen always factor a key factor: good money. As it turns out, just like money can make people more open to change and compassionate, money also makes people more loving

[@buffaloseye]

😅 Teresa

[@judithvictoria3109]

Are you talking about the telenovela character??? 😅 that makes me laugh 😂, but it’s an old mexican “dicho” and as all those phrases basically it’s true 👀✨

[@hannahhensley8497]

I have family members whose marriages have survived bankruptcy after medical crises. I don’t think money is the most indicative (look at all the celebrities and billionaires)

[@LuvBlackDaria]

I appreciate the husband's honesty that men are not conditioned to be helpful partners. There in lies the problem. Male socialization by their family and society. Back when men were only expectedtoprovideand protect only, not being helpful around the house was accepted, but now that women are also bringing in money, that's not going to fly, hence the divorce rate.

[@CaraMarie13]

​@judithvictoria3109 lol I thought that quote was peak Teresa. Though i guess you cant come up with such a great line in such a short period of time. Though claps for Teresa for ringing the alarm on poverty for us all.

[@kellisimpkins654]

On being child free: My take is similar to theirs in that I’ve said, “I don’t want kids until there’s nothing I want more.” In my demographic it’s assumed you’ll have kids, so my husband and I are definitely not the norm. I’ve thought about parenthood, but never had a deep desire for it.

[@carolcyr8553]

I feel like the title of this video was like a bait and switch - promising to talk about money, but mostly just talking about sex. Which is OK, but I wanted to hear about how money poisons relationships, and this video didn't cover that.

[@lemongeth]

Oh lol glad I decided to randomly read the comments before watching the video. You’ve saved me an hour! 😅

[@meeapeea]

Same here.

[@oeckstei]

That’s a shame. Thank you for sharing. I too thought the video would get into the emotions and power dynamics people have with money. How one partner might fear that the one that makes the most money will be the default decision maker in all matters etc…

[@Shibbykun]

Thank you. Thats what i wanted to know as well

[@TheSciFiTherapist]

I wanted to hear from a clinician that actually works with people currently in this hellscape.

[@Blindfold-Me]

I grew up below the poverty line and refuse to ever have to live like that as an adult. Many of my partners never understood why I fixate on money the way I do

[@daviddobarganes9115]

My wife has issues with money discipline, particularly spending money on takeout. I had to tell it like "Not having money in the bank makes me feel unsafe," it was the only way to make someone who has never missed a meal understand.

[@starchannel123]

@@daviddobarganes9115tell her to get a part time and pay for takeout with her own money

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

13:00 Yes anding this, it's a HUGE taboo for men to say to their partner "I'm afraid", but so, so, so many men are terrified almost all the time about not being able to make enough money to 'support' a family. If they could just say they have fear, and self doubt, I feel like there could be so much better communication and understanding.

[@lowwastehighmelanin]

Can confirm. Currently contemplating a (second) divorce because money and bad mental health is destroying my marriage and I feel like I'm the only one trying. If the other party doesn't even want to talk about it; you're screwed.

[@Rikku147]

I'm so sorry you're going through that

[@dcc9345]

You're right, it not worth trying if it's going to coat your health.

[@ashlamccammon4196]

Wishing you the best of luck, I know just how hard that is. Your health comes first

[@OhWell0]

In couples counseling now to in part address how we communicate about money.

[@bt2598]

So what’s best for you!

[@skylarkkralyks4496]

*fist bumps all the childfree by choice people* As the oldest AFAB child in a homeschooling family of five, there was absolutely nothing glamorous about the idea of parenthood. And so I haven't become one. When Glennon Doyle talks on her podcast We Can Do Hard Things about who she knows who embodies the "spirit of mothering" the most, she follows it up with a list of women, none of whom have procreated or adopted children. Then she interviewed Tracee Ellis Ross, which was just beautiful. Sometimes "giving birth" is too small a concept if it only refers to baby-making.

[@imptiger8260]

Re: sex drive in terms of who initiates - it's interesting to remember that it's common for the higher sex drive person to be the default initiator. I have been in the habit of letting the initiation fall on the person with lesser sex drive (usually not me), as I dated asexual people most recently. That made more sense to us as it feels like I'm being an annoyance if I "ask" for sex of a partner who I know more often than not isn't in the mood.

[@Madamchief]

Some people might need you to- read responsive desire

[@imptiger8260]

@@Madamchief Oh for sure - it has its time and place. One of my partners definitely experienced responsive arousal, and our communication system took that into account

[@IshtarNike]

Amazing book on this topic if you haven't read it already is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Changed my life.

[@imptiger8260]

@@IshtarNike it's on my "to read" stack! My friend actually lent it to me earlier this year

[@albshel]

I think I would've appreciated this video more if the couple actually went into solutions for when a couple is having money problems, and it affects the relationship. Chelsea alluded to it in the intro, but never asked the guests a direct question about it.

[@chisomo8088]

Yeah, the conversation focused more on sex, kids and societal norms than finances which is what I clicked for. Don't care much for the couple.

[@soothingrelaxationandmedit68]

Wow, this is really awesome, not everyday one gets to stumble upon real gems like this.. thank you !

[@soothingrelaxationandmedit68]

Honestly this cannot be overemphasized, helping people mitigate unforseen circumstances and financial mistakes .It's always good to have a financial plan,

[@deitrickhemming5663]

Happy finances = happy relationship

[@Churchillhump2268]

Investors should exercise caution with their exposure and exercise caution when considering new investments, particularly during periods of inflation. It is advisable to seek guidance from a professional in order to navigate this recession and achieve potential high yields.

[@Churchillhump2268]

Shannon Saccocia, Chief Investment Officer at SVB Private, recommends that investors refrain from making big changes to their portfolios without consulting a financial planner and try to stick with their long-term financial plan.

[@Churchillhump2268]

In essence You need to get a financial planner to aid diversify your portfolio to commodities index funds, digital assets etc, to provide illumination and guidance in the financial markets.

[@Ella-g2m]

Thank you for recognizing the prevalence of abusive parents.

[@icasey7741]

Thanks!

[@zion915]

At a very structural level patriarchy is a profound destructive force upon relationships. And while men benefit from it ostensibly, at the core it is damaging to men and women alike.

[@redcrown5070]

Patriarchy: "when men don't pay for all my whims and I have to be accountable for my decision"

[@Uncle_Smidge]

​@@redcrown5070That sure was an opinion.

[@bunnerkins]

​@@redcrown5070 You sure do seem to be resentful of women that depend financially on men. When a society creates an expectation then men are the bread winner (aka the Patriarchy), it creates an environment where the power associated with money is centered around men. And as we all learned from Uncle Ben in Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility. The Patriarchy hurts men in ways that have nothing to do with women, and I got a few examples you can take home and share with your friends! As the default breadwinners, men are unequally judged by their communities for their earning potential. Are you a man with a low income job? Men are supposed to be high income earners! The Patriarchy wants you to be embarrassed about your low income job. But maybe you can't relate to that shame because you don't have a low income job. Maybe you are a man with a decent, or even great income. So you are free to enjoy all the power of money without any of societies judgement. Well that is until you wanna change careers. What if you find your calling in a different career that pays you less? Now you need TWO incomes to support the household? The Patriarchy doesn't like that. The Patriarchy wants you to feel like less of a man when you earn less than your maximum earning potential. The Patriarchy is gonna tell all your friends and family to shame and embarrass you for choosing to make less money. But you love your decent/high income job, and you'll never choose to leave it. In that case I sure hope you never choose to get fired either! Because as the breadwinner, you are singlehandedly held accountable for the economic stability of your family unit. And if you fail in your God given path to be the most financially affluent member of your family, the Patriarchy wants you to know that you have failed as a man. So @redcrown5070 the next time you get upset at a woman for coming after your money, you should ask yourself why you were expected to have all the money in the first place. The answer is THE PATRIARCHY, and it hurts everyone.

[@redcrown5070]

@Uncle_Smidge it sure is a opinion, a popular one between guys in general: In the western media we are always depicted as the perpetrators of all evil and we're pressured to be treat women "equally" by renouncing all of patriarchy benefits such as being the family leader (you know we just happen to work and earn more) BUT we still need to pay for the dinner, open the door for you, clean your dishes, peel you oranges (because you know girlsss don't let men undervalue you, you're a princess sprinkle sprinkleh!1!). Where the f* are men benefits nowadays? Patriarchy is long gone at least in the west. Patriarchy, just like wokeism is just a puppet word for describing whatever I don't like

[@bunnerkins]

@@redcrown5070 Patriarchy is the reason people expect you to pay for everything. It hurts men and women.

[@TheJadedJames]

I’m too poor to be in a relationship, and am at present, so busy correcting that I’m going to end up too busy and tired to be in a relationship. My lonely ass probably watches stuff like this to take comfort in the fact that I’d fail at relationships anyway

[@jasminequezada3083]

Omg, I love Vanessa and Xander! I cannot believe I missed this episode when it came out.

[@SamriBliss]

46:19 one of the many things that make my relationship with my husband work is the fact that he has platonic friendships with individuals of multiple genders. It relieves a lot of pressure to be everything to someone.

[@burdistan]

why don't you actually talk about how money breaks relationships. I've been watching a couple i don't know and am not particularly interested in talk about their decision to be childfree for half an hour. Which, good for them, but that's not what the title claims this video would be about.

[@jampsonn1826]

I think it would be really important for TFC to cover the topic of adult loneliness, maybe even specfically for women. I keep hearing how men are always the ones who don't have friends and how it can affect their hetero relationships, but I'd like to counter that it can be flipped. I think a lot of women would feel embarrassed to admit that they don't have many or even any close friends and that they're only friend is their male partner - something that is frowned upon bc we're told to have our own hobbies, identities, and distance from our partners in order to make us feel more well rounded. Our culture frequently reiterates that women maintain more friendships and are more social, but if you don't have that in your life for whatever reason, it can feel very embarassing and isolating to think 1. You aren’t doing something right as a woman bc you don't have close female friends, and 2. That you look to your male partner for all of those things you're missing from platonic friendships. Could be a really interesting topic and I'd be so curious to see if other adult woman can relate.

[@racheljoy3737]

This episode was soooo good!! So many of the questions you discussed were things my partner and I have talked about regularly. More couples please! Hearing both perspectives like that was so refreshing.

[@tryleraaron9244]

How are you guys coping with this inflation? Even with the downturn of economy and ever increasing life standards

[@dorathystephanie7702]

We'll have regrets for things we did not participate in...Investment should always be on any creative man's heart for success in life.

[@ivar766]

As a beginner, it's essential for you to have a mentor that is verified by finra and SEC to keep you accountable. I'm guided by a widely known financial consultant Stacey Macken

[@findingpath8362]

Wow, I'm supprised Stacey Macken is being mention here. I started off with 5K.... Now with massive portfolio highly recommended...

[@robertgreg6009]

I met Stacey Macken at a conference in 2018 and we have been working together ever since.

[@Melbn-di6mi]

Though I started with as low as $13,000 actually because it was my first time and it was successful, She's is a great personality in the state

[@milikoshki]

I would LOVE to see Ramit Sethi on here discussing this topic.

[@teekeylahnc2021]

Yes, I second this!

[@conniee4136]

Girl! There should be a mandatory class before marriage and guest speakers of wife and Mom divorcees. If I had taken that I would’ve at least gotten a prenup

[@daverobinson0117]

As a man, I experienced a different situation from him and I don't know if the male viewpoint is captured in respect to traditional masculinity in support of femininity, I'd like to have the chance to speak with Chelsea about this, this is a awesome topic but I think it can still be expounded on in a balanced way to find more middle ground where people are more satisfied with these aspects of relationships.

[@chica212]

I agree. His take sounds one sided towards the same over-sensationalized idea that men providing feels unfair and make men resentful. In my experience, people feel resentful when they don’t feel appreciated.

[@daverobinson0117]

@@chica212 exactly

[@domenicaausdenweiden7726]

I can't take someone seriously who sells online courses instead of doing the actual work of a therapist. She found out it was more succesful to sell some platitudes online? Yeah I bet. Also the whole "40% of the conversations of couples with children are transactional" statistic seems sketchy to me. First of all who decides what is a "transactional interaction"? How can the domestic sphere even be transactional in the first place? This expectation of "quality time" is so unnecessary. It invalidates the day-to-day interactions of most people and puts pressure on the couple. You can't hang out watching TV, you have to experience new things and only talk about books and art. Fill every fucking hour of the day with "quality time".

[@bonnie6866]

chelsea if you guys or your connections run short of content, maybe some more analysis about the manosphere and how much it has percolated throughout the community of straight men, what impact it's having on families? a phenomenon that needs a lot of attention and study i think, as intersected as it is with, for example, shooters (as the police have documented in multiple cases when investigating browser history after incidences), or i suspect, domestic violence (as in known cases where some of these shooters do have priors).

[@TransMascNurse]

I think it would be interesting to get a transgender, heterosexual couple to talk about the different gender dynamics in those relationships

[@Runningmaster2025]

Much respect for covering this very important topic and soughting out a man's perspective too! As I've been saying for several years, I would love and even be more of a fan if you had more men guests and advocacy over that. :)

[@pastelpandoracrafts7632]

I wish this video was made 7-8 years ago 😅

[@bekas6172]

I don't come to TFC to hear just-some-dude speculate confidently and make everything about sex. Vanessa is the one with qualifications and experience, but she keeps saying "we recommend", "we have seen", etc. I really wish that you had specifically directed general questions towards Vanessa, the expert, and personal questions towards both Vanessa and Xander. His perspective on why they, as a couple, decided to be child free is perfectly fine. His advice to couples experiencing differences in libidio (especially new parents) is pure speculation from a layman.

[@dm96177]

Yes but I did appreciate his nuance and perspective as a man. I believe Vanessa is just using inclusive language as they work together now under the same brand

[@ethanwaltz4799]

Crazy that life and business partners refer to themselves as we when they talk about their work 🙄

[@agustinapereziriarte8653]

oh! not xander and vanessa from "The Ultimatum"....

[@dcc9345]

the guy suggests that if you're not happy because your partner is out and about and you're resentfull about it. You need to fix you and be more out too. What if the other part is not contributing? Why is the affected party the burden to pick up the slack and still have to change instead of being vocal to the other partner?

[@ohlilu3317]

He said if the reasons his partner already mentioned do not apply. She already mentioned the situation when one person in a couple is disproportionately burdened in a relationship. His suggestion was for the situation when that is not the case.

[@AngieDeAguirre]

Interesting topic ñ.ñ ❤

[@Rob-me8vp]

Zander’s hobby is a server and she wants him to explore it?

[@seemu2927]

Surfer

[@Rob-me8vp]

Good logic Ethan. You probably go to surgeons who have never done surgery or invest with stock brokers who don’t have any assets to invest. Way to go😮!!!

[@Rob-me8vp]

I love when people who have never had children give advice on children or the effects of pregnancy.

[@MyDuckSaysFucc]

some people like to research the process instead of figuring it out on the way. And in that research a lot of us find it isn’t worth it.

[@Rob-me8vp]

yes that’s like having surgery by someone who has never done it. Great logic!

[@ohlilu3317]

@@Rob-me8vpI would say it’s more like a doctor treating cancer patient even though they have never had cancer themselves. She is not just a random person, she has an education and a license to give that advice, that is also quite helpful. It’s like you don’t need to have a mental disorder in order to treat patients who have, but you need to have an education. Random person would do more harm of course in that case.

[@meeowmeeowmeeow]

That's because people with children are almost never honest about how hard it is or if they regret it.

[@Rob-me8vp]

@@meeowmeeowmeeowthe number of people that I know that put off having children bc they didn’t want them and then they wait until their late 30s and early 40s is staggering. They believe if I work out and eat organically and healthy that they will have no problem getting pregnant. It doesn’t work that way. Biology is biology.

[@robm6803]

Americans are a funny people..

[@ema-b1h]

Ok- they are bipolar 😂

[@margaretolsen6400]

I love hearing postpartum sext tips from a 'childfree by choice' sex therapist! jk

[@marpro212]

As a guy, it feels some days like I’m being gaslighted by women who say “I want ‘x’ in a man” when they put on their feminist hat, but then their dating choices, who they’re attracted to, and their expectations when in a relationship suggest the complete opposite. I can’t decide sometimes if these women are trying to gaslight me, or are gaslighting themselves. Probably the latter. I don’t think most people act this way on purpose. I find it frustrating, although I’m starting to mature and accept that some things (and people) just aren’t meant to make sense, and I rarely bother anymore trying to make them. Although it also depends who it is. I hold close friends to higher standards and scrutiny. You can’t for instance want a male partner who earns more than you, and demand that women have equal pay. You can’t. It is stupid and entitled. You can only pick one of them, and I don’t really mind which, just not both. There’s a lot of self awareness that is still lacking, that many people fail to nurture until well into their 30s at least (and some I’ve known who are 60+ years old and still don’t get these things). I also suspect that’s one reason behind why many people seem unable to settle into a stable relationship until their late 30s. How can you hold a healthy stable relationship if you’re both gaslighting (albeit unintentionally) yourselves and one another by doing and acting in ways that contradict your purported values? You can’t.

[@reckonerwheel5336]

I think the crack in the foundation is assuming a feminist woman would also know who they're compatible with as a romantic partner. There's not much connection with each other. Having feminist values gives insight into what a 50/50 relationship is like and how sexism can colour each partner's view of each other, and that's where it ends. Compatibility in other aspects of relationships isn't relevant to feminist discussion. As a real life example -- a female coworker of mine is a feminist whose only dated addicts who can't hold down a job. Her issue is that she has very low self-esteem which makes her believe she's only compatible with these struggling men. Her past with substance abuse also makes her sympathize heavily with these men. Feminism can't help her out with this, because it goes beyond patriarchal structures.

[@MyDuckSaysFucc]

Wanting a high earning partner has nothing to do with equal job opportunities. I would argue pay has less to do with gender these days and more to do with education and degrees. Perhaps in some cases there is some discrimination based on sex but everyone should have a problem with that, not just women. Why would concerns over discrimination disqualify someone from preferring a high earning partner? I would argue most people would prefer to date someone with more money, especially in this economy.

[@marpro212]

@@reckonerwheel5336 Perhaps these things should be connected. What you wrote, to me sounds a lot like compartmentalisation. If someone’s attachment style for instance is so dysfunctional that their choices and actions are detrimental to their own wellbeing, but they are also incapable of seeing how these choices and actions contradict their purported values or belief system, then that limits this person’s ability to effectively self-reflect by recognising their own cognitive dissonance. If they can’t self reflect, then they’ll likely never improve or genuinely achieve their ambitions, and likely also nothing else will improve either if enough people act this way. To use my earlier example, if majority of women still prefer men who out-earn them and naturally select for those men, then those men who earn less will be less likely to pass their genes on, and we will be left with the next generation of men who will again out earn women, because that’s what those women chose. These things are linked. Choices have consequences. People who don’t see this are ultimately undercutting themselves.

[@marpro212]

I understand there are deeper psychological issues at play, like in the example you gave. However often you can’t even start digging deeper to solve those, unless people learn to call themselves out on their own bullshit in the first place. Half the solution is recognising the problem. Then you can start working on the details.

[@clairbear1234]

What specifically do you see women say they want vs what they choose? Are you treating women like a monolith or talking about specific people or a specific person?

[@Rob-me8vp]

Why does this feel like a comedy show? I thought it was a financial show?

[@PanaMaJwaaRd]

These grifters are WILD 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. "Just be involved".

[@vvm101]

Who is that soy dude ….

[@chica212]

💀 💀 💀

[@honestreviewer4864]

That’s the exact thing I said too