A Narcissist's Thorough Confusion About Love

There are many measures of a successful life, but none is more significant than knowing the essence of love. Narcissists say they want love, but Dr. Les Carter explains how their defining ingredients illustrate how confused they really are as they seek loving connections. Sadly, their efforts will predictably fail.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@jonnyell89]

A relationship with a narcissist is like being pulled under water by a person panicking.

[@namasteawake]

I used this exact analogy describing my ex to my brother. Just a few weeks ago. 😔😩

[@Devi-tg8fh]

Exactly I also use this metaphor!

[@lifestylescolorado5068]

OMG, that is how I described my panic attacks while married to a narc! Well put!

[@DarkMetaOFFICIAL]

what frustrates me, it's counterintuitive. makes no strategical sense. while i'm painstakingly building us a bridge, a future, and a kingdom, i thought she was wearing blue. and she bombs my supply warehouse with redteam. then blames me for the fires and destruction while she crushes the bones of my people beneath her feet, strolling through the debris. disregarding the pain it brings me. At that point, i should also feel bad, and it's time to focus on all her needs and precarious, superficial self absorbed wishes. while the King gets treated like a commoner in his own Throneroom. and she was the guest the whole time in the castle i built.

[@roxyabrooks864]

Dr. Carter has helped me more than any paid therapist that I've ever had. Thank you, Dr, for everything that you do! 🎉

[@Ivan-bf2jx]

Same here👍🏻

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Wow, thank you! I truly enjoy doing this.

[@jeanpequignot80]

Yes! Count me in too!

[@t_nels]

So true! I'm very grateful. It is reassuring to hear a positive, encouraging, life changing voice over the doubting one that we play in our heads and are used against us.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Me too!

[@zachscully]

Narcissist = “fair weather friend” / partner / family.

[@blankearth5840]

fairweather family

[@tanyadepoalo4312]

🎯

[@suzanne4396]

I grew tired of his " conditions" in order to " love " me after 9 years. So I ghosted him and blocked him. I had often told him that dealing with him was like dealing with a 3 yr old having a temper tantrum. I deserve healthy love at 59.

[@aaronkwolfe]

You do at that, Suzanne. It is okay to start slowly.

[@lifestylescolorado5068]

Thank you for the post. You reminded me of who I am. Thank you!!

[@karreevaughan4674]

I say that all the time it's like living with a five-year-old literally

[@cc1k435]

I have always said that this other kid I didn't realize I had showed up when our son came along. 🙄

[@caroleminke6116]

It’s like trying to sit on a teeter totter with someone who always needs to be in the up position… until he sees something better & gets off! Then you go flying into the dust alone

[@patriciaspeicher6883]

The narcissist I know for the past 2 years is totally self-absorbed and only wants a servant to bow down to him. He has shown his true colors and it has been a terrible thing for me to go through. It is all about HIM. I have been discarded and disrespected. I know it all up to me to turn and go in a different direction. He is not worth it.

[@gorunsko31]

My narcissistic husband feels “loved” when he finds his laundry are all done and folded neatly. As long he has his services provided, needs met, he feels “loved.” 🙄 Getting his way via control is “love.” No intimacy, no feelings, no vulnerability, but rather secrecy with manipulation in the name of him “protecting himself “ from imagined “loss of freedom” “Feed me and service me. Me. Me. Myself etc… 😢thank you, Dr. C.❤

[@cc1k435]

Well, at least he sounds quiet so far.😆 It's still no way to live, and I'm sure not what you may have once imagined. 😕🙄🤔

[@denicehaley9902]

I call my “husband” the I Guy! Reminds me of the seagulls in Finding Nemo!

[@pameladavis9939]

SPOT ON😮‍💨

[@shiny7301]

A narcissist cannot love you unconditionally, he/she wants to use you, abuse you unconditionally.Thanks Dr. Carter ❤

[@cc1k435]

Very much a one-way relationship.

[@michellehill718]

Narcissists are highly competitive. They MUST win! ✅

[@marybrooks1080]

Yes, yes, yes. When it comes to a narcissistic, self absorbed, no empathy person. Love is definitely only based on what you can do for them!

[@dianearena2516]

So true!

[@kathyfoley397]

Do not get sick. When I had the flu and a fever my husband was SO ANNOYED. Yelling "IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED?!!" Threw the aspirin bottle on bed. So angry.

[@cynthiawhite1122]

@@kathyfoley397 I broke my ankle because of the constant stress. He went golfing and left me with a balloon of an ankle and needless to say couldn't walk. The next day I asked him to get me a pillow and he told me I needed to do more for myself.

[@MsMojozilla]

The narcissist I'm trying to escape is so defensive, if I do something nice for him, he sees it as me shaming him. The only time he says "I love you", is when he wants something.

[@denicehaley9902]

My “husband,” too!

[@justinekelly7137]

A narcissist doesn’t know how to feel love you, spend your whole time giving to them and having nothing reciprocated, except judgement, criticism, devaluing, and invalidation. Even their cognitive understanding of human emotions is extremely limited and superficial I reflect on the 26 years. and see it all so clearly now. He holds no sentiment and never has something. I wish I had seen a hell of a lot sooner.

[@Everythingismeaningless344]

It's so damn sad. I turn 42 in less than a month and I am just realizing how much my toxic narcissistic family has shattered my heart.

[@someonenew9442]

I’m a bit older than you and it took me many years to realise and accept what was really happening through the years, but, I just want to wish you a very happy birthday, and many more to come! 🎂

[@nb5842]

At 60 I finally learned the lesson. This has been heart crushing....but I am thankful I found out now not rather than 70. These lessons were not out there decades ago. I have close to 600 videos saved on this subject. It has been hard work the past year and a half but so worth it. I plan to finish the remaining years with a whole hell of a less stress.

[@cc1k435]

I caught on that I had to go no contact with my mother at age 20 for my own sanity. But here I am over 25 years later, fielding the next crop of relatives who either have become her or are the next generation of narcissists. So really, it's like there's a rolling deadline for catching on to the truth of the situation. 😂🙄

[@mariamassey5468]

lt's an extremely ardous x painful cross to bear x accept. Dr Lindsay Gibson's podcasts x books really helped me (Recovering from emotionally immature parents). I am sending you my love ❤ ❤ ❤

[@nancytwigg4631]

I'm sorry for the pain you feel. But glad you know now what you dealt with. This knowledge will help all your future days.

[@carefulcarpenter]

"To know love is to know trust; to know oneself is to know truth." cc. 2020

[@user-uu4ug4lq1c]

❤

[@michelepascoe6068]

A narcissist's way of "love": you give; I take. Because I deserve it and your job is to admire me and make me look good and feel happy. You will if you love me.

[@awesometulips9427]

Perfect description of what love means to a narcissist. They disguise this bad traits with love bombing so you are forever confused as to their real feelings. But no more, thanks Dr Carter for all these years of insights I can smile again ❤😅

[@StevieMayJ]

My mother has actually told me her love is conditional. I have always known subconsciously I had to do what she wants and tell her how wonderful she is to keep her love. I am just waking up to all of this now and it has rocked my world.

[@usewisdom2]

Wow, she actually told you that? That alone would've been a red flag for me.

[@StevieMayJ]

@@usewisdom2 Yes those were her exact words. She has said it to my sister as well. I was the golden child, I’m embarrassed to say it took me until I was 42 to realize what was going on. I’ve seen behind the curtain now and there is no going back. Now I’m in the process of figuring out how to move forward. I was a main form of supply to her, so Im preparing for the fallout of me not doing what she wants anymore. It’s weird when it’s a parent and you have been indoctrinated from birth, so much harder to see because you think it’s normal behavior.

[@PoyTroy]

Esshhh. Sounds painful

[@caroleminke6116]

I went from golden to scapegoat for truth telling & my younger sister got elevated! It was worse for her in some ways because she couldn’t see his both parents were just using her till they died…

[@t_nels]

So sorry! That is so unfortunate. Words can be so destructive.

[@aaronkwolfe]

She HAD someone who loved everything about her. Someone committed to relationship and self-sacrifice. Someone who would do anything for her. She (by her crafty behavior) turned that love into apathy (the true opposite of love isn’t hate). Then discarded and left for next victim. I learned to reinvest in friends.

[@rahrahrobbbieee]

I continue to have difficulty making that investment in friends anymore. There is a level of fear in it all. Learning more about the situation does offer help at points. Dr. C offers great insight.

[@danielkaiser8971]

Sounds similar to one of my past stories. Back when I was in my late 20s/early 30s, I was dating someone who at some point began asking me, "Why can't I just find someone with XYZ characteristics?" Except all of those XYZ characteristics were a perfect description of my own. When I said, "Yeah but I'm right here!" the response was like, "No that's not what I mean." Total mind games.

[@sanjmalik6282]

Aaron, it was clearly her loss, she had someone who loved her and cherished her but she was blind to see it. She will never find anyone like you again as you don't always find good people constantly. I know how you feel as I was exactly the same with the ex but he failed to see the goodness and value in me.

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@sanjmalik6282 She "enjoyed" it for over 20 years. Heck, we both did, I assumed. Then the redefining started, and I suddenly never was what I'd always been. Makes discarding easier, though.

[@nateo200]

My mother complains about ho people hate her and I informed her that it isn't hate it is indifference. Idk how these people can screw up so much good, my mother is pretty, smart, charismatic, gives the appearence of confidence (and competencce), etc. but its never enough, she has to lie to inflate herself even more even though she arguably is probably better than many many people. Every narc I've met has been incredibly intelligent, similar experience with Borderlines (my mother is probably a hybrid of both) so it blows my mind how they self destruct. Even when you try and give them an out to either save face or save them outright they destroy themselves and others around them.

[@sarahb4484]

That’s true as long as you conform they will treat you “good.” The most difficult thing is how to define who we are after the abuse and lose the fear that remains…

[@diana5898]

Yes

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sarah, you make sense.

[@MT-tx7bu]

I met a woman that became a great friend of mine. We had zero in common. She was ready to retire, I was in my late 20's when we met. Initially, I didn't like her. I thought she was bossy and I'm sure she thought I was too immature to be seen as peer NOT to mention, a friend. After deciding to get to know her and talking with her about her life, I came to realize how wonderful this woman was. It didn't happen overnight, but in the end, we became the best of friends. She was a single mother to 6 kids. She had to work hard all of her life to provide for them and she knew how to get things done. She had to. She would give me things to think about. I needed that! It was an effortless relationship that I truly learned so much from. I can even say, I loved her. That's the beauty of relationships. You see flaws in yourself and in that person, but you learn from them and they learn from you. Narcissists aren't willing to go that far. They want what they want and it is transactional. You feel abused and used. It's not effortless, hardly! It's the kind of work that makes you feel confused and sad MUCH of the time.

[@eh3477]

Really appreciate your story; very insightful.

[@t_nels]

That sounds like a beautiful friendship. I had a relationship like that with a school mates mother. She really had a neat friendship. She was like a mentor. I was curious to learn and she opened me up to have hope. I appreciate your story. Thanks for sharing.

[@MT-tx7bu]

You are welcome@@t_nels . There are friendships worth working on and others, the transactional-type, the ones where you really have to work for it and there is little pay off. Narcissistic individuals drop relationships, pick up friendships that are supply for them and misusing and abusing people along the way. Be careful of your heart.

[@AedanGUnit]

If you think they love you,try crossing them and watch what happens. They have an idealized version of love that is impossible for anyone to reach. They are easily bored and constantly looking for the next “fairly tale” love. In that fairly tale, you must constantly feed them, total worship and it will never be enough. They will break your heart and leave you emptied out. Just get away. They have no idea of true, committed love. Painful but true.

[@jeannes.356]

Excellent message. I just want to thank all our pets out there. They are pure love and give us unconditional love. Love them, be kind and be patient.

[@agape8785]

While married to my former husband who is an alcoholic, deep down inside, I felt that he never really believed that I loved him, that he could not receive my love. He was raised by an alcoholic father and an enabling mother. This is still disturbing to me many years later. I have had so much healing over the years, yet there are still those things that are difficult to grasp. This inability to receive love is one of these. Thank you Dr. Carson for your help and teaching over the years : )

[@cc1k435]

I think that's probably typical, and really sad to think about. I also know that's something a person has to figure out for themselves, and it's not fair for them to hurt other people along the way. Frustrating, but true. ❤

[@mattlehnardt8035]

that is so sad for your husband. hard to live with too, difficult all around. sorry to hear about that struggle, for everyone.

[@tinabennett8524]

I can understand this, I think, what I believe has happened is that in their childhood when they were “learning” life, their natural Love for parents was denied and rejected. This was painful and while some grow hungry for love keeping a natural healthy view of what love is, others adjust and adapt to their environment. They learn a distorted thing to BE love, and they live this way. They say they love, I believe they do, to the best of their understanding. But sacrifice and vulnerability which are necessary for love, are things they refuse to submit to. The unbearable pain that was felt when they where vulnerable and their love was denied is ever present. I believe some grow so distorted that they view natural sacrificial love as a weakness. I’m a Christian now, but grew up in a home where love was mis-taught . It took years of struggle before I really understood God’s love, sacrificial love, and understanding that. I was able to start understanding what healthy love would be how safe it would be, I’ve learned over the years that it’s painful too, but it’s where I want to be. We can’t look back to much at those who reject our healthy love. My Lord said to the disciples to knock the dust off their feet and continue the journey, there are so many waiting to be loved, a healthy love, sacrificial and giving. Those are the people I want to engage with. I hope that you too have many more lives to touch and love.💕

[@Michael_Arguello]

This is true. My ex narc actually told me all of this. That how you know I crushed her good. She spilled her guts. Her concept (which the good doctor Les here describes) came at me out of left field - I read it (because she emailed me about it) and I still couldn’t wrap my head around it. What she left out (amongst so much else she left out) was that she lied to get me to fall in love with her. What kind of a dirt bag sicko does that? A narcissist! Of course they’d never admit that. They deserve the abandonment that they fear. I have no sympathy for any of them any more. Only real authentic people are allowed near me. Everyone else…I bite. ;)

[@cc1k435]

Well, then you got more of a window of truth than most of us. I won't call you lucky or anything. 😂

[@Hatbox948]

I don't know if my ex narc felt and/or feels love for anyone. He seems detached from sentimental things unless it concerns him. He wants love and adoration, but it's never reciprocated.

[@roxymovie3938]

Narcs do not live for love but for power and dominance, which are not imbedded in love. At their core they hate themselves and they are committed to all negative feelings that go along with drama. Love goes along with harmony and peace.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

My ex loved me 'in his own way', definitely not the way I would interpret love! I'm glad you're out of that situation 🙏❤️

[@Hatbox948]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Whenever I hear someone say "they love you in their own way" I know it's not good.

[@t_nels]

@Hatbox948 I see this in my daughter. It will never stop shocking me to the core when she makes it clear that everyone's sole purpose is to make her happy. Her children are a tool to her. I don't know why I think she will snap out of it. It is her default.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@t_nels It's sad to see! We can only do our best. Big hugs 🫂 🤗

[@oxigenarian9763]

"...when it's given to them, they know how to appreciate it and nurture it in the fullest way..." WOW - for some reason, that little statement really (finally) hit home with me about the narcissist in my life. This person doesn't know how to receive or appreciate love. When it's presented to them; it just seems to bounce off of them. That's really clear to me now; I no longer feel rejected knowing it has nothing to do with me... Another outstanding episode Dr. C...

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased for you.

[@carlahoglund8914]

After 40 years of providing “love” to him & having hardly any return of my needs met, after therapy & groups that helped me grow, I finally stopped “servicing” him unless he stopped & started listening & hearing me & not think only of himself. He played that entitled card, but then so did I. After 2 more years of relentless verbal confrontation, which I really thought he was just having a tantrum & would get over it!! He didn’t & I said he could move out, since he kept threatening to do so. Little did I know he already had a supply that was in the wings, which he was telling that “I” was unloving. They finally got together & im better off for it!! I didn’t think he’d blow the whole family up over this, but again, I was wrong!! Thanks Dr C.

[@GoogleUser-pc6tu]

When I asked my narc “ what do you love about me” ? She responded with , “ how I make her feel good “ that and that I make the bed in the morning… 😮

[@blen740]

My narc (sister) told me she loved me about 20 years ago and I thought to myself "oh, this is where we really get to bond and I get to show her how grateful I am that we were truly a family." Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I tried to lay that sentiment on her!! That witch slammed into me before I had a chance to get two words out of my mouth. I learned that day, that love to a narcissist doesn't come from a heart of genuine goodness towards people, it's a control tactic. A way to manipulate people and circumstances to get what they want or what will best serve them. I believe myself to be a truly (loving) forgiving person but I won't fall for that line of bull ever again ❤.

[@kathymanley8711]

❤this is so helpful, I wrote them all down to refer to as I walk thru a 27 year marriage divorce. These things are true and more. Wisdom will carry me through. God is for me.❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated!!

[@nicholecornes1915]

Dam u can't believe you made it that far!

[@bonniekesic8040]

When I first met my Narcussist, he said the words, " I am very lonely". I thought that meant lonely, not needing supply. Didnt know what supply was. Didnt know what a Narcussist was.

[@laurel7309]

This video was very much needed! My toxic brother would say "I want to move forward because I love and care about you" and then he would try to gaslight, manipulate, and control me. He just was craving supply.

[@druchampion-payne1489]

"Their love is tainted with paranoia" ... and ..."narcissists have an inability to trust" ...wow, yes! This information really helps me understand my narcissistic sister-in-law and some of her crazy-making behavior lately. She doesn't "trust" me and my husband and I cannot figure out *WHY* she acts like this, so your video explains it beautifully! Thank you, Dr. C!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated!!

[@druchampion-payne1489]

@ricardoleroyyarbraming9638 Oh yes, her behavior does wear me out. Thank you for mentioning this, I didn't think about that :)

[@lovereigns3882]

I was idealized, devalued, and discarded after dating my boyfriend of 2 years. Dr C is spot on when he says that narcs are paranoid, cannot trust, and only "love" you as long as you follow their agenda. For many years after I was cruelly discarded I still had no idea why. He ultimately accused me of never trusting him (and stated I never would) and said he was frustrated by my paranoia.I was shocked and deeply hurt and didn't understand how he had come to these false conclusions. No one in my entire life had ever described or accused me of being thus way!. Many years later after discovering Dr C and learning about narcissists it all became evident my ex was PROJECTING. Thank you Dr C for teaching me how narcs "love." So many "quirks" my ex possessed I now know are attributed to the narc pattern of life. It all makes sense now, but left me hurt and confused for a very long time. Please keep educating and enlightening us Dr C

[@druchampion-payne1489]

@@lovereigns3882 Thank you for sharing, and I'm so sorry that you had to endure such unfair treatment. Yes, being distrusted and accused of things that simply aren't true is *SO* difficult. And my sister-in-law was calling other family members involving them in a bold-faced lie about me--including our son! My husband called his sister and told her that her behavior involving our son was so inappropriate, but she did not care. In fact she told him (us) that she was not sorry. She wasn't sorry because she actually believes this lie about me. So wild when what she believes never happened that way, but she was not convinced. So the following day my husband wrote her and told his sister he wants no contact with her, for now. This no contact may be indefinite since she is not sorry, at all, for spreading false rumors about me and smearing my character. We had to call people to clean up HER mess to set the record straight. Narcissists do not care about the damage they cause. And yes, Dr. C does an excellent job exposing what's behind it all. So enlightening! Take care :)

[@justinheer9098]

Can you speak on coping with narcissists interrogation in conversation...it literally drives me nuts talking with my dad he takes and uses info as ammo , what I say can and will be used against me .

[@aaronkwolfe]

Unless he’s a police officer or judge, interrogation can be shrugged off. Just because cause someone asks does NOT mean you have to answer. Especially if their past behavior shows you it isn’t worth it. I learned to smile shyly and do a mini shrug. It is akin to the grey rock response.

[@merin797]

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.🙏

[@jeanawalton9757]

Completely opposite of a narcissist.

[@soraya2218]

Even when I was still an Atheist that verse always touched me deeply. After I had found faith whenever me and my mother would have an argument I would take it all patiently and tell her that God loves her. When she heard that and I made eye contact with her it was like looking at a demon. She hated nothing more than me carrying my cross silently.

[@Dove-gx5gz]

@soraya2218 I am so happy for you that you found Christ! ✝️ 🙏🏼 Having a narcissistic mother is so very painful. Heartbreaking. We want them to have the peace we have found. But they are so committed to their pain, we cannot free them 💔 😢 I thought if I loved her enough, then maybe? But ultimately I had to save myself from being pulled under. Jesus was with me every step of my life to protect me from the Enemy's wicked hold of narcissism. Ephesians 6:12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of [a]the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

[@happ-hobby]

I fantasize about having a purely unconditional love some day. A "family", true friends, and a loving partnership. I had to break away from my family because they aren't safe for me. It's a hard and lonely place. I once had someone say to me "The person who cares the least has the power." They were referring to romantic love, but I find this very true with family and friends too. I didn't take this statement as the eye opener about toxic people that it was.

[@aaronkwolfe]

Dreams can come true, Holly. The quote I heard was “The one who loves least, controls the relationship.” Another one I’d heard - “It takes two to make a relationship, but only one to destroy it.” Keep learning here and investing IRL.

[@t_nels]

@hollypotter3460 I hope you find that love. With Dr Carter's great work I think there will be better chances. @aaronkwolfe those are two great quotes.

[@jeannes.356]

Hi Holly. I have always found true, deep love each time I’ve rescued a shelter pet.

[@cc1k435]

@@jeannes.356 I had a whole box of kittens one summer that I liked better than my husband on his best day. 😻💜🤷

[@jeannes.356]

@@cc1k435 oooh yeah! :) I’ve never been married, but I know that pets are pure joy.

[@precisiongrinder]

Every so often I fall into the “am I the narcissist?” pit. Then I see a video like this and I realize I am not the narcissist. It’s my brother(s) and my mother. I don’t fit their cookie cutter shape. (Because, of course, each person expects a different shape.)

[@Everythingismeaningless344]

I can feel the exact same way. A true narcissist would never even consider that they are narcissistic and hurt others. Narcs really do not care at all.

[@NavaSDMB]

One of my mother's Complaints About Life is that she has been "received badly" in every single place she's moved to. The neighbors have always been unfriendly, envious, nasty. I now live in one of those places where "sitting outside when temperatures are nice" is a big part of social life. Shortly after she'd come to visit, she sailed into the house snorting "as if! Can you believe your neighbors invited ME to sit outside with them? Why would I change my way of life for them?" Gee I don't know Mom, but then, I didn't even know you had a "way of life"... Friendliness is a type of love; she can't recognize it, because she has no idea what love is.

[@elegantgiraffe9570]

To them, love means us doing what they want.

[@user-cq9qw9dt9g]

Narcissists can't love anyone else but themselves. The most they can do is mirror other people's behavior and emotions. The narc's in my life just used and abused me. Until I went no contact that's all they could give me. Abuse. Not love.

[@ZenZone-li4fr]

A most important and interesting distinction between narcissistic 'love' and real love. Thank you 💜

[@SuzannaLiessa]

Thank you for pointing out that in a loving relationship, setting a boundary is good for both of you. Letting somebody treat you badly is not a loving thing to do.

[@roxymovie3938]

How do you define love? Love could be defined as a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion, and commitment, involving care, faithfulness, protectiveness, affection, comfort and trust. I think there is no unique formula for love because everyone defines it a bit different and there are as well different forms of love (the unconditional love for a child, the romantic love, the love for a friend or the agape love) but a true indicator that someone is NOT LOVING is a pattern of HURTING others. There are many ways to show love to someone: 1. Willing to be vulnerable (Narcs are too frightened to show any kind of vulnerability.) 2. Willing to forgive (Narcs are not able to forgive for they only seek revenge.) 3. Willing to apologize when you make a mistake (Narcs never make mistakes in their eyes for it is always your fault so that they will never make a genuine apology.) 4. Listen to what you have to say (Narcs don't listen to you for they always need to talk and you need to listen to them.) 5. Prioritize spending time with you (Narcs are only spending time with you when you are able to give them plenty of supply.) 6. Recognize your good qualities (Narcs will minimize and devalue your good qualities because they are jalous and envy.) 7. Reciprocate loving gestures and acts of kindness (Narcs may pretend these during the love bombing, but it's just a manipulation technique to hook you.) 8. Share things about yourself (Narcs do not like sharing because they like to keep secrets so that you are never able to see them fully.) 9. Show affection (Narcs are not able to show true affection because you are the one to only show them admiration and conformity.) 10. Make it unconditional (For Narcs everyone is period transaction only.)

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Spot on! They only fake affection when they're after something!!! Take care 🙏❤️

[@aaronkwolfe]

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” - Science Fiction Author Robert A. Heinlein.

[@t_nels]

@roxiemovie3938 I remember the confusion when my husband told me in essence he would love me until he didn't. I don't recall if this was before or after we married. I was shocked but I think I cherished the truth of it. I thought it would be hell to be in a fake relationship. After years I brought it up to him and he chuckled and said he would always love me. Okay. That was a relief. When the children were young it was wonderful. In the teen years it gets stressful I think. I think we start to search for ourselves watching our children. I know having social media had an impact. My oldest son was the first to bring it up. Sometimes I question what love is. It shouldn't be just a fear of separation. I idolized him, making him more than he was. It brings you back to your faith. Love I think is a changing thing but never really expressed or true if you don't have at least certain conditions for both parties.

[@sharonsmith2480]

Love resides in the heart of a person, not in an object. Scripture tells us God IS Love. Thank goodness! I can rest in His Love and not in who I am. The goal for His children is that His Love would resides in Us. When we know Him, He gives us His love. The love that the world defines is not love….it is lust and selfish. True love is described in the 1 Corinthians 13 chapter of the Bible ….patient, kind, not easily provoked, not selfish….Feelings do accompany love and desire for sexual intimacy, but feelings are not love. Those feelings are a wonderful byproduct of true love which is God given… a choice…from the heart that loves because we are make in God’s image and in right relationship with Him.

[@danielkaiser8971]

Excellent list of qualities that define "love"! Thanks again for your well-thought-out insight. I have spoken with many people over the years who were out of abusive situations and they didn't know what love was anymore. My response to them was particularly effective if they had a child or a pet. Love is a lot like the set of actions you do for your child or your pet. Love is not a set of feelings, but feelings are the result of love and often the motivation for love. Love can also happen when the internal feelings are negative, such as when your child is suddenly sick and you take them to the emergency room -- when you are otherwise exhausted at your wits end feeling awful yourself.

[@renedirusso2753]

Extremely-Extremely bad situation .....😢

[@Secretgeek2012]

I lost count of the number of times that I was told that she "didn't love me/never loved me/didn't deserve her love" to then be also told that "no-one has loved me as much as she does". The difference between one and the other? As Dr C says it was entirely dependent on her mood and my conformity.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's how it works!

[@t_nels]

I'm sorry. That's horrible.

[@amandac7056]

Mine always said, while I was crying that he wished he could be the man I deserve

[@t_nels]

@@amandac7056 Oh no! That's so wrong. I'm sorry.

[@amandac7056]

​@@t_nelsThanks❤️

[@bellaluce7088]

8:45 In retrospect, the fact that I accepted the lack of mutuality and their blatant disinterest in listening to me was a sign of my Childhood Emotional Neglect. Loving, healthy people don't LET you give more than you're getting. ❤❤

[@Hatbox948]

I've wondered about this. It seems subconsciously that I sought out and found someone who would mistreat me as my parents had.

[@jokhard8137]

​@@Hatbox948 If it's any consolation, that seems to happen to very many people. We have learned to receive the idea of "love" in a certain way and we feel "appreciated" when we are met in a language we can understand. No matter how dysfunctional it is so long as it's familiar. It's a glitch in human behavior. It is very human, though, so be merciful to yourself

[@t_nels]

@bellaluce7088 With knowing comes healing. 🌻

[@bellaluce7088]

@@t_nels Truth! I wish I'd known when I was young how much better I'd feel someday. : - )

[@moxiepooties6363]

When you say that a narcissist's attitude is "Feed me", the immediate thing that comes to mind is the Broadway play, Little Shop of Horrors. It could be seen as a play about what can happen when you try to satisfy a narcissist. Everybody should see it!!!!!!

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

Zombie movies are symbolic for me!

[@Peace_love23]

OMG!! It is so true. If I followed his agenda he was happy. Still, he didn’t show love but he was not as mean. Your discussions are so healing for me, Dr. Carter. They reaffirm my experience.

[@joko09010]

My narcissist’s love was 100% transactional and conditional. And he was the kind of guy who, in 25 years, never knocked before he entered, anywhere. Argh!

[@imago9059]

They have strict boundaries but walk all over yours. They don't believe you are entitled to boundaries, respect or any human decency.

[@shieldoffaith8798]

The level of confusion I’ve felt my whole life from my mom has left me with so many unanswered question and grief. While she tells me she loves me, it has always felt very conditional. Anytime, I respectfully put my foot down as a grown woman by disagreeing with her, she would tell me how difficult and immature I was or overly sensitive. The my way or the highway mentality is exhausting. There have been so many strange things through the years that I could write a book. One thing I’ve noticed the most is how no one else is allowed to suffer more than her if that makes any sense. It’s like a martyrdom complex. When my grandmother passed away, I remember how angry she was at the following year for not calling her to say how sorry I was that she lost her mom. Of course I was very sorry but it was very odd because it’s as if she didn’t understand or acknowledge that I also lost a family member that day….it’s like I wasn’t allowed to share in her grief. Another odd thing I’ve never been able to figure out is faith…she says she’s a Christian but acts very cool if anyone offers to pray for her, especially if it is a younger person. She has to be the good one who prays for others but she doesn’t want anyone praying for her or at least not me so I don’t ask. Anytime I was sick growing up, I was told it was my fault because I didn’t listen to her by not taking enough vitamins. The Indian giving, blaming and shaming, passive aggressiveness and stream rolling has absolutely worn me out through the years. Any interest I’ve had in life that she doesn’t care about is quickly dismissed or criticized. She put down most people and calls others pitiful and sad. It has made me extremely sad knowing we will never have a safe or close connection

[@brendakelly20]

Thank you Dr. C. My Mom fit the descriptions you gave to a T. I am happy I am learning and healing from the lifetime of trauma. I am grateful that I broke the mold and never treated my kids like she did me. My family receives unconditional love.

[@coach_amy]

How to get along with a narc: 1. Do not need anything from them. 2. Don't reveal, on any level or in any form, their discrepancies between words-and-actions nor reveal that you know what's behind their false self/selves. And if you really want to be their bud, jump through their superficial, shallow hoops and meet their absurd performance-based criteria.

[@henrykujawa4427]

Once I began intensely studying narcissism, I really had my narcissistic home care client's "number" (so to speak). But I knew I could NOT tell him this, as, if I did, it would be one more thing he would use against me. I'm so glad that's over with. (And just today, I had it confirmed that thewre's at least one person in my agency office who totally agrees on that point. It's great to have a genuine "ally" at work!

[@coach_amy]

​@@henrykujawa4427 An ally when being gas-lit is such a gift! House-of-mirrors with these people.

[@chrisw9096]

Dr. Carter, I have been following your channel for several years and I think your content is the best that is available online. It has helped me enormously. Thank you. I think this is the single most helpful and insightful clip you have posted.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you so much. I'm so pleased the videos resonate!

[@flowers6576]

I have told my husband that he doesn't know how to be married, or how to be in a relationship. It's all transactional with him - "what can you do for me??", "you didn't/don't do this/that for me!" "You do NOTHING around here! I do EVERYTHING!!" (DESPITE the fact that I run the household!) Everything is about him & HIS needs. BUT, he has all the empathy & understanding in the world for others!! -- turns it off & on like a light switch!! Videos such as this confirm I am right. Thank you Dr. C!!

[@denicehaley9902]

Mine, too!

[@izawaniek2568]

You have nailed it dr Carter. When a narcisist seeks love they say I need you to satisfy my emotional neediness and I have targeted you to be my supply and when a healthy person thinks about love they say I am commited to dignity, respect and civility and I want to live according to them and extend them to other people in my life. Thank you dr Carter. ❤ God bless you❤

[@joshramirez8349]

I wish you all happiness and peace. I hope you can appreciate yourself enough to move on from the hate and resentment toward others. I know I’ve carried it around for too long

[@AllianceFarm]

"Spot on " The timing of this video came at a perfect time and explained to me much more about how intimacy and story book faking all boiled down to "feed me". Bluntly meant and Bluntly given.

[@blank_earth]

I come from a difficult life with my father who was a covert narcissist, he was very manipulative, depended on me financially, and was psychologically and emotionally abusive. I was homeless with him for a very long time during my upbringing and never had a good home life growing up. I managed to escape that and had to go great lengths to get away from him, I was lucky to have known the people that supported me and helped me with that process. I went to go be with my extended family that had found me on the internet, they flew me in first class to go be with them, and they thought I was a gift from grandma that passed away, I genuinely felt that I would belong with them and I thought they felt same way, but unfortunately, I guess they didn’t. What seemed like a gift from the universe, just turned into something that only contributed to my psychological wounds, I was only with them for 3 months because of how difficult they were to live with, and how conditional their love and regard was towards me, their love was like a benchmark, I couldn’t really be loved or accepted for just the way I am, I would hear them say “But he wasn’t raised that way!” “Oh it’s just gonna take time” , “I just think he just wasn’t raised properly” …and it felt like I had to constantly jump through hoops in order to be loved, and if I don’t, then it’s basically ‘bye peace out can’t live with your family’. I can still remember how my aunt was like “You’ve been going on 3 months!!” …It’s just unfair to me how my upbringing pretty much got robbed by a narcissist father and is something no kid should ever have to go through, while my fully related brother got to have what they called a ‘privileged life’. My aunt didn’t even have any idea why I went to go be with them, even though she invited me and said “why not come stay here?” She would ask this weird question “What are the advantages that you think you have of being here?” but in my mind I’m like ‘I didn’t come here just so I can gain some kind of material advantages or benefits, I came to have a life here with my family just like any other kid would’. I told her “I don’t know” , and she replied “then why did you come live with us honey?” I had unfortunately received some invalidating comments from others that I’ve tried to speak to about my trauma, they’ve said things like “why should they love you” and “who are you and why should you be loved and cared for” and another person said “you don’t seem to realize that you’re wanting a warped and distorted image of your family by wanting a life there with them” lol, and he called me a “poster child of emotional immaturity”. Even a former friend who I thought would always be validating of my experience, ended up going against me and said “Well they raised your brother! They raised him and not you so he’s their kid!” and he laughed at me, and I’ve basically been labeled as having some kind of “sense of entitlement”. This has all put me in a constant endless loop of rumination. I remember I stayed with a friend of mine and his family because his mom couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I was sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere. They treated me as equally as their 2 boys… I wanted that with my brother… every other kid gets to have a family home life with their families and siblings, I believe it is the most basic thing a kid can be allowed to have… I tend to think if my friends can live with their families, why can’t I live with mine? So for a kid to live with one’s own family he has to be born into it? …I have had someone that recognized the validity of my feelings though, and that person said ‘how in the world can you not be allowed just the same if not more’. I just wanted a life there with my family… why would that be a bad or wrong or reprehensible thing? I can’t believe that, I went through that whole process, of getting away from my father, and finally got to go be with my extended family after my whole life of them not being in my life and going through a nightmarish life with a narcissist father, only for it to, pretty much, backfire? All because, they ‘raised my brother and not me’… I thought I would be their kid too… They bought a condo and now my brother is living in it for free… I never chose who raised me… I never chose my parents… and neither did my brother…

[@julienatoli8561]

Excellent video Dr Carter .. thank you so much!! These toxic individuals are indeed superficial and "love" to them has to be earned. 😞😞😞 they are definitely duplicitous .. it's frustrating and heartbreaking. We love you Dr Carter! Thank you for always putting the emphasis on dignity, respect and civility because when you stop respecting yourself, there's no peace. God bless you Dr Carter, thank you for all you do. 🙌🕊️✝️❤️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Julie!

[@E2023M]

Thank you. This is the best video on narcissism I have seen so far. Where there had been some doubts before, this video cleared things up.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@oksanabuchananiregressiveh8097]

Thank you so much for this video!! That explains my husband’s paranoia and orders he gives me to love him when he wants it and if I refuse because I do not feel well he gets super mad, angry and mean towards me.

[@jds6964]

My mom is a narcissist that I only know figured out (i am 59). She likes to say "I love you with all of my heart". Looking back at my life the only love that I have ever felt from her is a very superficial love. I had a very close personal friend of mine who I very much loved pass away unexpectedly. My next door neighbor showed me more empathy than my mother ever could show me.

[@suzannebell51]

So true! Once I understood their version of love it was so freeing after the confusion and hurt I felt for so long

[@proverbs2522]

Thank you for your loving words. You’re helping me break a 20 year cycle of criminal abuse and I’ve never gotten this far before. You are my affirmations and self love mentor. He screwed my mind up so bad I thought I was him. I’m not him, he’s not me. I control my inner thoughts and emotions. I’m still scared a little but not of the future, just of his inevitable explosion. I don’t want to be near it. But that’s it. He’s been expelled from my mind. Statements from professors who’ve actively studied, tested, and published papers on the many aspects of narcissism and its effects on their targets with real patients. So not my words. I’m just helping spread awareness of the information and resources to help escape their traps. Narcissists are not capable of understanding love for themselves or others because they don’t have the proper tools and hardware to experience it in order to understand and reciprocate it. They don’t love because they can’t love. Long ago they were subjected to some kind of abuse and/or neglect by their mother or their primary caregiver and since they were bonded to this “caregiver” they confused the abuse they received as love. The pre-narcissist child grew more anxious and confused and didn’t get to complete the most important primary milestones that form the foundations of their identity, individuality, separation from the mother and becoming a self and developing the seeds of self care and self soothing. The narcissist is still bonded to their mother even now. The mother that is not a good mother, but a harsh, abusive, depressed, neglectful, narcissistic mother is known as a dead mother. She basically died and either never bonded with the baby or the bond was broken early on. The baby did bond though and through the symbiotic relationship they became one entity as a survival mechanism. This bond is unconditional love to the baby with idealization and idolization as it’s most prominent feature. This feature ensures the baby will have a better chance at surviving because he is part of her in every way. The grown narcissist never separated from his mother and his infancy was filled with sadness and neglect at the same time. They don’t know how to like another person because we’re all cardboard cutouts, objects that aren’t him and therefore unimportant. So they can’t care for you like you can for them. They only want a partner to fulfill a role and a series of functions just like the lifeless objects we all are to them. He/she is the only real person and the partner they choose to replace their dead mother is only alive in their minds. You are still just a cardboard cutout. They interact with their mental image of you and that’s why they can be completely convinced that you said or did something that never happened. It did happen in their mind. It’s fascinating to understand what’s going on with the partner who is obviously in a delusion and the entire relationship is just a shared fantasy that is full of abuse and neglect. They can’t love or care for you and they can’t comprehend your feelings or anything. They replaced their dead mother with you and a mother loves their child unconditionally no matter how bad they are. Spouses are conditional and vows are the conditions usually. The relationship between you and your narcissist is not spousal, it’s mother to child and it’s very sick and not good. And the worst part is you can’t fix them. This process of killing their true self because they hurt too much and making a fake replacement that only looks kinda like a human is unchangeable at the moment. They can’t be fixed regardless of the desire and treatment. You must leave them or the abuse will continue. You’ll never stop being the mother who’s responsible for taking away all the trauma from them by them giving it to you physically. So go watch Prof. Sam Vaknin here on youtube so you can learn how to identify the problems that you have to address. You must realize that the entire relationship was a play and you were a silent background character. You mean nothing. The image of you in their mind is the one they communicate with and since you are not that then you aren’t even known. Go learn what a shared fantasy is and all about the craziness that is the narcissist so you can exit the play/shared fantasy permanently and then start to heal. You won’t get better if you don’t get the poisons and triggers out of your body and soul. This is the first step. It took me 3 days to snap out of it once I understood it and I’ve been married to a real monster for 20 years and was so deluded that I didn’t think his violence was all that bad. Yes it actually was and still is that bad. That’s the poison that flowed through my mind. I now know the horrific things he did was attempting to kill me. Now it’s time to heal. And that’s why I’m here with the best doctor I’ve ever heard. He’s also completely necessary and the goal is to stop watching these videos and unsubscribe from them because you’re okay now and you can move on and be more wise to deceptive people in the future. I’m not a victim and I’ll never be again. 3 days of reading and listening to Sam Vaknin’s combined studies pushed me back into the real world so I can’t be hoovered. And I don’t have any grief because I’d be grieving a freak show, a weird fake mother son trauma bond. Why would I grieve something I’m very glad to be away from? I wouldn’t and neither will you. Good luck.

[@charingcross7945]

I too have learned a tremendous amount from Sam Vaknin, whose perspective is unique as he is a diagnosed narcissist. He says he is self aware, but not healed. Narcissism is all pervasive and can never be healed.

[@craigmerkey8518]

The equation I have observed with family members who display NPD traits is... love = attention = compliance! Yet this personality thrives on dominance and conflict. Compliance is really an absence of connection so compliance = boredom !

[@harmonizedigital.]

This is slightly off topic but I wanted to share. I had a business mentor recently through my MBA who was very knowledgeable and talented. But she was clearly a grandiose narcissist. The first thing I noticed was the braggy comments about knowing this famous person and that famous person. And that she has 50 million dollars. These things were not so bad. But I also noticed she was just being a mentor to be the centre of attention. It did not seem like she really wanted me to succeed. Sometimes I would have a break through or a big announcement related to the business. And she would not even respond to my email to say good job. I eventually decided to move on and not keep her as a mentor anymore. She kinda just killed the postive energy it takes to start a business. She also had a lot of all or nothing thinking. If you mess this one thing up you will fail and it will be all over.

[@jennybugsification13]

2:42 thank you for using the word 'serviced'. So much kinder than what my husband calls it.

[@olyooshka]

Isn't it nice I get stronger - said the narcissist when confronted about their constant antagonistic drama-rousing acting out as in they get invigorated when bothering people around them including myself. And, absurdly, they expected me to fullheartedly say "YES, OF COURSE, YOU DESERVE TO GET STRONGER AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS".. 😂

[@cynthiawhite1122]

A bully doesn't get stronger just more obnoxious and pitiful!

[@kf4722]

Dr C. Your family picture from Friday's news letter is heart warming. You are blessed😇🙏

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, we enjoy being grandparents!!

[@cynthiawhite1122]

@@SurvivingNarcissism How do I get your newsletter?

[@SandraMuller-vs8ck]

With narcissist and their love, this signifies a superficial connection. No trust, privacy and honesty . They instantly become EVIL and devious with thoughts of, how can I destroy her character and manipulate others to think likewise. When there is disruption in a relationship the respect and solidarity that was experienced between the couple are non existent. A relationship at this level is unmanageable as privacy and dignity are severely exposed through slander and back stabbing by this narcissist as he never wants to know or understand about boundaries. This is my personal experience. I am grateful for this education as it is giving me a chance to validate the reality of this behavior. I have decided never to engage in a conversation with a narcissist who shows arrogance. God bless you. ❤

[@elhandle316]

I can’t thank you enough, Dr. Carter. God bless you, the universe bless you, for all the good work you do, especially through this KZbin channel. Thank you for your compassionate and professional guidances. I gain understanding and therefore peace. Love finds its way🙏

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you!

[@brg2743]

If you call them out they don't listen. Change it when they aren't around. Passive, but gets the point across for a few hours so you can have peace for that long. Keep enforcing even small infractions of your boundaries.

[@linbat6148]

Thank you so much, Dr. C. I know what you are saying is all true - from lack of experience with real love.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning!!

[@francesbernard2445]

The narcissist's for example interpretation of the King James bible too is wanting when it comes to how they love while doing so since they are inflexible except in how they apply their double standards.

[@Dj.D25]

I have a suspicion that the Christians who only read the KJV that often are Independent Fundamental Baptists are mostly narcissists. Many of them have very odd beliefs and interpretations of the Bible, that no other Christians have, to the point where it looks like they make stuff up. Most KJV Only Pastors I've listened to, I noticed they have beliefs only they themselves and their followers believe.

[@TG-to3dv]

This video killed me. It explains a lot with my wife. It sounds as if there is no help for these people. Where it doesn’t matter what I do or how hard I try my marriage will never be ok.

[@mariamassey5468]

LOVE ❤ is acceptance x always feeling that one is enough x is important. And most importantly when one is loved they FEEL that love ❤ bec it's unwavering. PS: GUS is loving snoozyland 🐶

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

Thank you and Gus for these videos. They are SO HELPFUL. God bless you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased!!

[@Alice-fr1ef]

Hello Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. They know nothing about love except the love they have for themselves and what they can get from someone. They can't see beyond their own noses. No relationship they have is a team (us) relationship with anyone. They must be superior and control everyone. One friend he used to have told me he always had to be the center of attention among the guys. How disgusting. Thank you Dr. Carter for this much needed video.

[@theyellowshoe]

So that's why he (still to this day) will not admit to cheating on me! Why he said/says " I was just playing"! He doesn't know what love is, that's kinda sad.

[@heyfunny3036]

I’m confused about love, my mother was a highly manipulative narcissist and hardly a healthy example of what I imagine love can be. The best example of real love I have experienced is the deep love I have for my pets

[@Survivin2Thrivin]

Thanks, Dr C. Team Healthy! Have a blessed day

[@Hopper11]

Yes-Dr Carter. You’re saving lives

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

From one Carter to another, thank you.

[@CarolBirch-gu8ee]

Dear Dr Carter Thanks to you I have finally figured out why my partner (now ex) had been behaving badly for the almost five years we were together. It took my upcoming operation for the socially acceptable masks he had erected over the years to finally come off, (although they had been flaking for a while prior) and his true self to show, not that anyone else has seen it except me! And it wasn't pretty!! Because for the first time the focus had to be on me not him, just for a while, he left me, giving untrue but socially acceptable reasons why to maintain his image with his friends and family which broke my heart. Putting the Covert Narcissist label to him has allowed me to go....aha I've finally solved the mystery of his bad behaviour and start to heal.....I've tried counselling but found none of these practitioners specialised or knew much about this personality disorder so really didn't help. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.... I'm in Christchurch New Zealand

[@nicholecornes1915]

We are blessed to know what love is!

[@samuelrnicholes]

Came to be informed, stayed for Gus! 🐶

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Gus has that effect!

[@lucyLou-dt7do]

Thank you for helping people with these types of relationship…therapy is life long.

[@darinsmith2458]

What comes to mind is to detach with love..

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good way to look at it.

[@LucyFre]

Very best video from Dr. Carter, together with " Narcististic love anchored " For people who's relationship with narcistist failed I highly suggest, before other videos watch this 2.

[@GoogleUser-pc6tu]

Weakness… a description she will never mention

[@ginasalyn5882]

Hello Dr Carter, I’ve just recently found your channel and am thrilled, but i have so many questions:) So growing up, I think my father weighed quite heavily on the narcissistic side of things. Then I met my husband…and 32 years ago I married a man much like my father …big surprise! It was so amazing in the beginning…and we had a very quick engagement and marriage (4 months total)…So I married a man I had only just met! But then things drastically changed. I began to lose myself in it all. This went on for years but I didn’t give up or give in… I actually joined him! I would yell and scream and swear back at him, tell him to leave and then cry and plead for him to come back… to stay! 7 years in we had our first of 4 children. Each time I had a baby I had a new hope it would be different… a hope that he would stay good and loving and finally cherish me, a hope that things would become amazing again…because it was so amazing when it was good! But each time, that season would end, and it would become like hell on earth once again! So my joining in the fight seemed to be my only way to survive…I am stubborn and tenacious as well as loving and gracious! Fast forward to today…I don’t like who I’ve become! This isn’t me! Could I myself have become a narcissist as a result of his bullying and this crazy rollercoaster ride of a marriage? I am actually mean now! I am so controlling of my kids and I see what I’m doing but can’t help it! It was only 7 years ago now that I finally reached out to good friends/people we knew and who knew us… I just couldn’t keep our problems private for any longer, which is what he always wanted… I received good counsel and was finally able to see the light that was shone on my situation. I would now take a stand in a very different way… because now my blinders were off…it wasn’t my fault…(it was mostly his fault… but I do mostly blame him) I told him he would never bully me again, he would never stick his finger into my face again and I meant it! I don’t get caught nearly as often now in his power struggles, I walk away, sometimes I drop the mic first then walk away. I am purposeful in keeping certain things from him due to my lack of trust, I’m working on improving me, for myself… and for my kids…to become the best version of myself but this is proving much more difficult than I thought still living under the same roof. It does seem better if I literally remain indifferent… But who have I become…at what cost do I stay? If I stay, am I doing a disservice to my now traumatized children? What have I lost…? Should I have stayed “gone” when I left last spring? Where do I go from here? M Sincerely, Gina PS I’ve a son with ADHD, I myself was diagnosed with ADHD since menopause, and have a teen daughter recently diagnosed with ASD… So finally, is it possible that my husband actually has ASD and that I’ve actually mistaken it for Narcisism? Thank You

[@LorrieIrbyJackson]

The ex expected 1-sided care and resources, i did the most and he gave the least. This is why he's still single, there's only so much you xan throw into a black hole. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@mattlehnardt8035]

I feel terrified. i think thats what makes me vulnerable to narcs is im terrified im not loveable, and i won't have anybody, ever. I feel like nobody would ever really love me like i feel would connect with who i am, and its a crummy feeling to feel that but i do. so relationships are dangerous and bound to fail, which they do. Which makes it all worse.

[@gailerickson6976]

Really so helpful! Thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@PoyTroy]

Man's hit the nail on the head lol. Everything you just explained, was my ex in a nutshell lol

[@1NOIAM]

Truth. Thank you!🙏

[@marthawhite3353]

so profoundly sad to me, that you can offer a true love to someone and they simply can't receive it. wanting to control and have power over someone is not love, but it can give the illusion of connection and 'love,' but they just can't put down their defenses and be vulnerable. there is no love without safety and vulnerability. again, so very sad to me -

[@dreaanas]

Dr Carter can you speak on emotional connections with a narcissist? I’m married to a narcissist who claims that we do have an emotional connection. I assure you we do not! I have never been so lonely living under the same roof with another person in my life.

[@mariamassey5468]

lt's an extremely ardous x painful cross to bear x accept that people/s you love are cruel x evil especially if they raised you. Dr Lindsay Gibson's podcasts x books really helped me (Recovering from emotionally immature parents). I am sending all of you my love ❤ ❤ ❤

[@Rakkoma6]

This video could have been based entirely from my ex. I’m just completely floored

[@lilianproencademenezesmont4161]

Good afternoon , Dr. Les Carter. Say my hello to Gus. Hello grom São Paulo , Brazil.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Lilian!!

[@isabelolsson1890]

Yes you are a person of love 💕. Thanks for the video it's very helpful.❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome