A Panic Attack Ended My Winter Backpacking Trip

*This video is sponsored by LMNT! Try LMNT by clicking here: drinklmnt.com/mirandagoesoutside
While filming this video backpacking in a beautiful snowy forest I was struck by one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I have generalized anxiety disorder but I have not talked about that very much on this channel. Mental health awareness is so important, and this situation has given me the opportunity to talk about what myself and so many others deal with on a regular basis. In this video I'll show you what led up to me having a panic attack on trail, as well as show you what ultimately led me to decide to leave my snowy campsite to come back another day.
Intro: 00:00
Starting at the beginning: 0:44
Searching for the perfect snowy campsite: 1:24
I have anxiety and depression: 2:47
Arriving at camp: 5:24
Setting up camp in the snow: 6:46
Why LMNT electrolytes are so essential for me (sponsor) 7:15
Setting up camp in the snow - con't: 8:24
Having a panic attack: 15:03
Decision to leave: 17:20
Final thoughts: 19:04
Outro: 20:18
Gear in this video -
LiteAF 46L Curve Pack: liteaf.com/product/ecopak-epl...
LiteAF Fanny Pack: liteaf.com/product/fanny-pack/
Youer Fleece leggings: collabs.shop/chwl6u
SkyGOAT Beanie: skygoatusa.com/products/camp-...
TurtleFur Balaclava: alnk.to/ei0RzAe
SamBob Gridded Hoodie: sambob.biz/products/waitlist-...
Patagonia Nano Puff Vest: alnk.to/btmJSyt
Enlightened Equipment Apex Torrid Jacket: alnk.to/a42G2wK
REI Rainier Rain Jacket: alnk.to/9T7V3eu
Heated Gloves: amzn.to/3HGAnPS
SkyGOAT Mittens: skygoatusa.com/products/camp-...
Darn Tough Socks: alnk.to/d3ByHVQ
Hot Sockee Toe Covers: amzn.to/3HBZZxq
Oboz Bridger Insulated 9”: alnk.to/7X3Age2
PStyle: alnk.to/60Zftvl
PStyle bag: alnk.to/h6EZgUc
Kula Cloth: kulacloth.com/collections/art...
HotSnapz: amzn.to/4bi7G9R
Yaktrax ICEtrekkers: alnk.to/eDQnxin
NEMO Chipper Sit Pad: alnk.to/birYTNY
Gossamer Gear ThinLight Pad: alnk.to/6IEhoNd
Cosmic Wimpout: amzn.to/4bi7G9R
Tinderblox: amzn.to/49cwcXM
JetBoil Flash: alnk.to/dewjGNc
BearVault BV475 Trek: alnk.to/4fPFFbX
NiteCore Headlamp: alnk.to/dWblCfo
Thermometer: alnk.to/44UUGzy
Durston X-Mid 2 Tent: durstongear.com/products/x-mi...
Zpacks Stakes: alnk.to/2uG5ReG
NEMO Sonic 0: alnk.to/5ueYxdP
NEMO Tensor Extreme: alnk.to/2QvBOKg
NEMO Fillo Elite: alnk.to/faAEtRs
Lifeline Shovel: amzn.to/49ujDHR
TSL Symbioz Snowshoes: amzn.to/3vTsxjw
TSL Carbon Poles: alnk.to/hDpgdxD
The above links are affiliate links. If you choose to purchase something from these links I may earn a small commission. This money goes straight back into making content, and allows me to keep making videos for all of you!
DIY pulk sled supplies and instructions -
Two 5' pieces of 1/2" PVC (I bought 10' and cut it in two)
Two 6" pieces of rubber tubing that fits over the PVC
Paracord
Two washers
Two s-biners
One sled
Attach rubber tubing to the ends of the PVC that will be in contact with your sled. Tie one washer to the end of your paracord, and thread paracord through one length of PVC, through both holes at the front of your sled, back through the other length of PVC, and tie another washer to the end. Make sure it's all taught! Then clip s-biners to each washer! That's it!
You can also use this more complex DIY I found (and modified) from the REI website: www.rei.com/blog/snowsports/d...
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www.mirandagoesoutside.com/
Thank you so much to everyone who has supported me on Patreon! 💚 If you'd like to become a Patron and support my channel, click here: / mirandagoesoutside
The Miranda Goes Outside crew:
Director and Producer: Rainer Golden
Sr. Editor and Videographer: Abby Hagan
Videographer and Editor: Chelsea Newton
Videographer and Editor: Kyle Roof
Editor: Katie Van Fleet
Editor: Doug Linstedt
Dog: Tucker
This video was filmed by Rainer Golden and edited by Abby Hagan and Miranda Webster!
Follow me on IG @MirandaGoesOutside: / mirandagoesoutside
Find past Miranda in the Wild videos on REI Co-op's KZbin channel here: / @rei
Like, Subscribe, Comment, and tune in (almost) weekly for more Miranda Goes Outside!
#mentalhealth #winter #snow #backpacking #hiking #camping #2024 #adventure #mirandagoesoutside #mirandainthewild

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

Hiking and backpacking almost always help with my mental health - but as this video shows, sometimes even the usual stuff doesn't work, and it's okay to change plans. 💚If you are dealing with anxiety, depression, or any other mental health stuff, you aren't alone. Big love to all of you!!

[@skizifacation]

As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety I felt this video! Thank you for sharing. The stigma is real! Much love

[@tabiblue2804]

My mental health gets in the way of so many things in my life including being outdoors, even when being outdoors helps my mental health more most times. It is hard for the people in my life to understand that juxtaposition of feelings. I try to rationalize myself out of those feelings more often than not and have had to end things that I really wanted early and unexpectedly. These moments almost alway inherently make me feel like a failure. I know that is not true, but wrestling with that feeling and having to change course and frequently inconvenience the other people in my life even if that inconvenience isn't a burden to them it bring a lot of guilt with it for me. Thank you for showing what you did in this video. You are and always have been absolutely amazing.

[@JosephineG101]

Thank you for sharing Miranda. Very powerful and there's nothing wrong with changing your mind. That's a strong decision at a difficult time.

[@pyronymph-868]

I am so glad you decided to share this with us! I deal with anxiety and depression and have wondered what I would do if I had a panic attack on trail. I haven't backpacked in nearly 2 decades, have chronic health issues, but desperately need to get out hiking before it's too late and I kick the bucket. Dr has ok'd me, restricted by my symptoms (take it easier when having symptoms), so no medical reason not to. There's a tiny (68mi) through hike from my town to the coast I want to attempt. Your video showed me that listening to my body includes my mental health. Having a model of a choice someone dealing with mental health issues like mine made, models alternatives where my brain got stuck.

[@markbegay7163]

Thank you 🙏

[@mygenericlogon]

As a current therapist treating teens with anxiety, depression and self harm, thank you to the moon and back for normalizing we can experience intensity AND we can take care of ourselves. I appreciate you being vulnerable and honest with your audience. You were inspiring before and even more so, now. Many hugs!!

[@Sandra-dt4ec]

As a fellow therapist and backpacker I wholeheartedly endorse this comment!

[@katherinefrost5808]

Thank you, Miranda. As a retired Army nurse, I struggle with PTSD, anxiety and depression. The outdoors is my sanctuary, but sometimes it can also trigger my anxiety. Knowing when to practice self-care and take a knee is difficult, but it is also very crucial. Thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone.

[@Slowlyoptomistic]

This is weirdly probably my favorite video of yours. This is so much more real, about the outdoors and why we go there, than basically any other KZbin channel. Thank you. One of the main reasons I go outdoors is for my mental health and happiness. Winter camping is really stressful due to how dangerous it is, any one who would scoff at you is clueless to that reality. Thanks again for your honesty and genuine self. I’m sure it will help others recognize and be more aware to “listen to their bodies”.

[@melvasaiel]

This, along with Dixie from HomemadeWanderlust hitting her SOS button, might be the two most important backpacking videos.

[@huntleycoman7017]

100% agree

[@philippal8666]

Yes. There’s a point with exercise and basically building a house, where I’ve seen everyone lie down and cry. Add some anxiety and…

[@stitch3163]

Bless you, Rainer.

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

He's the real deal 💚

[@qakbot100]

You do know that the whole community is waiting for the big day right?

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

😆 wouldn't THAT be a big video...

[@qakbot100]

@@MirandaGoesOutside hint hint?

[@pedroclaro7822]

Could do wonders for your mental health 😂

[@camero220]

Yesssss these are the most important hiking videos! We have enough of the “ultralight on an unlimited budget with no time restriction” videos. Hiking isn’t exclusively about covering yourself in dirt and walking until your toenails fall off. It’s whatever you make it. Life happens. Hike your hike. Help a friend. Live to fight another day. Thank you Miranda and Rainer!

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

Thank you ❤️ I couldn't have said it better myself - hiking is whatever you make it!

[@vanomadcyclist3474]

Loved this video, loved your honesty to openly discuss mental health. Good for you Miranda for listening to your body and good for you Rainer for supporting her decision. 😊😊😊

[@camero220]

@@MirandaGoesOutside exactly! I think this is your most important video since either of the two original ones with Pam. (Especially the flat trail Florida hiking video IIRC) Even with their being 8 billion+ of us out there, everyone has a hike or terrain for them. Backpacking ≠ summiting Everest. Taking a walk in the woods or wheelchair-ing around the block, it’s just about going outside.

[@melvasaiel]

I've only dabbled in (short) backpacking trips, but I usually go by myself. One thing I've discovered is that as the sun starts to go down, I get a really intense feeling of unhappiness. This doesn't happen outside of camping, and it doesn't happen when I'm camping with someone else. I'm not scared of being alone, and I go camping specifically to enjoy some introverted alone time, so it's not loneliness...but the unhappiness hits anyway. Once it's fully dark, then I'm over that unhappy moment and I can putter around with my headlamp, preparing for bed, and contentedly reading in my tent for hours. It's just that "sundowning" time period that does it. I now KNOW that it's happening, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's especially tough when (like in this video) I have some anxiety about my camp site and it feels like dark is coming on fast. The last time I went camping was a hike up onto some land that we were considering buying. I'd only been there once before, and wasn't sure exactly where I was going to camp. When the "dusk depression" hit, I could at least recognize it and remind myself that it would pass. I try to bring some kind of candy that really packs a punch (like Sour Patch Kids), so that I have a more intense sensation to distract myself during that window of gloom. So far I've only called it quits on one trip, when I packed out after one night instead of my planned two, but there were some other factors (like my new headlamp turned out to be crap and my cheap newbie sleeping pad suddenly sprung a leak) that made me feel like my 2nd night was going to be even more unhappy. That trip was also before I recognized that I experience that sundowning depression, so I didn't know what was going on with me. Anyway, THANK YOU for being open about mental illness and sharing this video, so that we know that even very experienced campers campers can struggle.

[@DadManHiking]

First off: Rainer, we see you! We know you’re not just a voice behind the camera! You’re an integral part to this channel, and whenever we see Miranda, we’re doing so through your eyes, so to speak. Second: Miranda, thank you for having the courage to share this with us. I’ve been dealing with anxiety & ADD (both undiagnosed for first 40+ years of my life), and I know what it’s like just not be able get your brain to tell your hands what they need to do. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to do what you need to do take care of yourself. And I’m glad Ranier was there with you. Thank you for being honest with yourself and us. Lastly: man, I wouldn’t be able to go out in the cold like that. Not. At. All. Forever impressed by the people who can do that 😊. Love to you both, B.

[@isaacgushue2957]

There's nothing wrong with bailing if you need to. If you're not enjoying yourself, or you don't feel safe, definitely don't feel like you need to stay or try to tough it out. Nobody should feel they need to stay out another night just to prove something.

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

100% this! Safety and happiness is always most important. Your reason for turning back doesn't need to be anything big.

[@jasonwilson4185]

Technical divers have a rule, that should be adopted more widely. Anyone, at any time, can cancel a dive, and nobody gets to question it. Safety, safety, safety.@@MirandaGoesOutside

[@d.2110]

are you dependent on each other during a dive? @@jasonwilson4185

[@kmetz878]

I agree! Always have a way to bail if you need to, and "need to" can be as simple as "I'm really not feeling this today".

[@pithon3d477]

​@@jasonwilson4185This is a fact ... Fellow tech diver.

[@conradjordan1222]

This is the most important & hiking video ever made. People all over the world have similar experiences like this every day. But they think they’re alone in it because others aren’t brave enough to show what it’s like when things don’t go to plan. You two are amazing!!

[@vc5213]

100%. I had never heard anyone talk about having a panic attack while backpacking before so I felt like it was only me.

[@Drmikekuna]

As a retired mental health professional I want to say Thank You! When well known individuals admit to mental health issues it makes it OK for others to seek help. Great job!

[@DadManHiking]

Yes! And there’s still a lot of stigma surrounding mental health. There needs to be a lot more education & openness about it.

[@georgescofieldtt207]

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@Divarenee]

I just watched this with my 12.5 year old daughter who has difficulty with overnights. We both were glad you made the right choice for yourself. My daughter said she could really relate, and I could too. Thank you for sharing this.

[@theroadhome_Liz_Summers]

I am 68 ... when I was young, I could not do sleepovers. I called my parents several times to pick me up. We did not have a name for this, then. So grateful to hear that you and your daughter are understanding the issues!! Best, best wishes.

[@juniper1girl]

Thank you for being this open and honest. Not many youtubers upload video's that aren't 'perfect'. Going out there and getting back early, is better then not going out at all. Living with mental health problems sucks. Especially when you can't see it from the outside. I hope how this trip ended doesn't discourage you in any way to get out there again. You are awesome Miranda.

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

Thank you! 💚 I hope people see this and realize that this, while disappointing, is normal and okay. You know I'll be back out soon!!

[@Eventurlivet]

Whoah! Just realised - that time when I stopped in a middle of a hike and asked myself «why am I here?» and didn’t manage to go on, I wasn’t being lazy! I have pushed it down as a failed trip, when me turning around was actually me listening to myself saying «hey - go home and rest!» Thanks, Miranda!

[@brendonm.deverix8491]

Huge shout out for Rainier for being as helpful as possible, sometimes the cards just don’t play right for some reason. Get me out there with you guys next time we can make it a party!

[@hannahcollins1816]

Honestly, what an amazing person Rainer is. Awesome to have that excellent support!! Thanks for sharing this with us, Miranda ❤ I always appreciate the realness and authenticity we get from you guys. I also love that Tucker seemed like he knew you needed a cuddle at the end 🥺

[@pamlavallee9051]

Thank you for being so open and honest, Miranda! You’re incredible, and such an inspiration.

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

Love you so much, Pammy. Thank you for always being open to talking about mental health with me, especially before I had a name for what was going on.

[@LWilli5]

Everyone should have a Pammy in their life 😘.

[@anahidelrio5003]

I appreciate that you called this listening to your body... mental health and physical health are one in the same, and I have found that treating mental health as you would a physical injury makes the most sense (for patience with yourself, for recognizing something needs to change, for learning how to avoid that injury or recover from another one in the future). Mad respect, Miranda

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

Thank you so much 💚 I think you are so right - we pay attention to physical health and injury so carefully on trail, so doing the same thing for our mental health makes total sense too. Thank you for sharing this!

[@meursaultscourtroom8886]

Thank you Rainer for treating Miranda's panic attack with care and keeping it non-judgmental. Part of panic and anxiety is worrying about how other people with perceive us.

[@jasonschwartz7781]

I think this might be my favorite video of yours, Miranda. There is a seemingly unending stream of gear videos and how-to's. They're all valuable, but videos like this one are rare, and about things that most people don't talk about. Thank you for being open and compassionate enough to share this experience for others to gain some understanding of it and normalize having this conversation. Much love.

[@CoolInOlympia]

Me, too! Miranda being real and authentic!

[@scetis]

I didn’t expect to be wiping tears out of my eyes at the end of a Miranda video… thank you so much for sharing all of yourself with us- we just respect you more! And Rainer, you’re a great friend…

[@scottcampbell96]

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that it’s okay when I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know how to move forward. It happens to everyone. Some hide it well, but everyone has doubts. Thank you for sharing, Miranda. This is part of your journey and your honesty is what I appreciate about you.

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

Thank you ❤️ ❤️

[@ejcastro9518]

Knowing when to turn back might be more important than pushing on. I wish more ppl listened to their bodies. There'd be a lot less tragedies if they did. Too many KZbinrs push the bounds of safety and it bothers me. I look forward to your next adventure. Thanks for sharing 👍

[@moinab]

Rainer gently telling you to breathe made me burst into tears. I have been at that point of panic so many times. Having a safe, caring, trusted person with you in that moment is invaluable! ❤

[@jefflea9239]

You are an amazing young woman, and I really enjoy your videos on hiking and backpacking. I'm 60 and have lived with chronic depression my entire adult life. It is a part of who I am, but it is not an obstacle to who I am. All the best, keep making your very good videos, and keep on hiking!!

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

I LOVE this: depression is a part of you, but not an obstacle. I often tell people that I don't suffer from depression, I live with it - it makes it feel more in control and okay with it. Thank you for watching! ❤️

[@sallys2423]

Yes! This. I live with depression and it does not define me, it is one of the challenges I have in my life.

[@RainerGolden]

❤

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

❤️❤️❤️ you're the best

[@bigf1ip]

@MirandaGoesOutside Great Job identifying your triggers and staying aware of how your emotions are being affected. Even though you didn’t plan it, You showed exactly how you should execute a risk evaluation. Many people forget about the human end of risk analysis and the bottom line is if it doesn’t feel right it isn’t right and getting out of that situation is a good call. Thanks for sharing…I relate with what you went through. I am glad Rainer was there to balance you both. @RainerGolden, great job helping Miranda you are the hero of this story.

[@jenellsaphid]

I wish everyone had a you in their lives, Rainer. You're one in a million.

[@Trumkin42]

As a person with a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis and probably some other undiagnosed issues this has got to be one of the most validating things I've seen. Shoutout to Rainer for his support, I am a bit jealous of that.

[@emilyfeely3978]

The minute you weren’t seeing the site your brain was hoping for you could feel the energy shift. Such a tender moment with Rainer. You could tell he certainly knows you and cares about you.

[@thebriangroves]

Panick attacks are scary, I started having them about a year ago. I HATE it, such a helpless feeling. I've had to stop doing a lot of things I love because of not wanting to look weak amd embarrass myself in front of people.

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

I feel that SO much. While of course everyone is different, and you should definitely do what is best for you, I've found that doing the things I love help me feel strong in the face of panic attacks. There is strength in knowing your boundaries, strength in doing the hard stuff, and strength in taking rest. I hope you find a way to do the things you love again 💚

[@christopherpike8269]

I am glad Rainer was there to give you a hug. Sometimes words are not what is needed. Just having someone there for support and a simple hug can allow you to release that anxiety and emotions. Thank you for sharing this aspect of your life.

[@drewsartsymom]

You and Rainer’s friendship is absolutely priceless! Thank you for sharing the good the bad and the ugly with us! Hugs to you!

[@jerrypritchett283]

As someone who has never had these conditions, it is hard to understand what people who do go through. I can empathize and sympathize but never fully grasp the effect it has. I do think it is important that someone like you make these authentic videos to help the rest of us to get a better understanding.

[@gregkosinski2303]

I used to experience severe panic attacks. It really sucks but it’s not the end of the world. They have medications that can nuke most people’s symptoms

[@adrians7358]

It's just the way your brain reacts sometimes. For me the first time it happened it was while driving after a couple of bad nights sleep and long distance driving several days a week. Hasn't happened since, but I will say this, after it happens once, you just feel it coming way ahead in other situations. In general for me it is when I am tired and/or cold (like way out in the middle of nowhere and cold). It's a bit like you feel you're not in control, like it is a constant danger (not being very close to a place where you can feel safe or relax, and you really need that place at that exact moment). It starts slow (like occasional very short panic) and builds up. Whenever I feel this, I am always like okay I'll head back. No point in aggravating the situation. There is no logic in it, logic will not help. What helps is you returning to a point where you feel relaxed and safe.

[@LWilli5]

Thank you so much for having the courage to share the tough stuff. Thank you for not just showing the highlight reels. Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for being awesome. When you said, “I don’t know what to do”, I felt that with my whole heart. I have been in that space and it is awful, especially when someone else is along. Thank you, Rainer for being so understanding and so supportive. Sending my love to you both 🥰.

[@HuskyHiker]

Support from the East Coast! Thank you for making this video Miranda. It speaks volumes about your character and your care for others.

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

Thank you - I hope it resonates with other folks going through something similar 💚

[@adventuresofaflatlander4188]

Thanks for being so open. Also, shout out to Rainer for being what you needed in that moment. My wife struggles with anxiety and it’s taken a lot of trial and error to learn how to respond to her panic attacks. I love seeing that you have that with a friend. I also need to shout out Tucker at the end there. Dogs just get it. We don’t deserve dogs

[@BronzeBellaBria]

you sound like a really supportive hubby/spouse

[@alexygoat8440]

I’m in healthcare, and a hiker. Thank you for helping to normalize what living with anxiety can bring. Hiking helped me crawl out of a deep anxious hole…. But can also challenge me, and so many. Thank you for being real . You’ve gained a lifelong follower

[@jesusllanas4288]

Good on rainer for being there with you. Dont have to push yourself if its not necessary. Youve been on alot of amazing adventures. But still you gotta take care of #1 "yourself "

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

He was really great through the whole thing 💚 It makes such a difference when you have someone there to simply say, "I want to do what is best for you."

[@happyhiker2665]

Excellent video Miranda - I love when KZbinrs show are truthful about their experiences. We live in such a fabricated world that everyone thinks every day is sunny and bright when we all have days when our brain is cloudy and overcast. I love the honesty!

[@almashburn1770]

I think the last scene says it all, don't you wish we could all be the people our dogs think we are ? Thanks for being real, and making it OK to know when to say it's time to call it, and be safe.

[@Pelagos1000]

Thank you for posting this video. As a 51 year old man, who has learned more than I ever wanted to about mental health in the last several years, including my own unexpected experiences with panic attacks, I really appreciate you posting this. There are times in our lives when we have to decide if it's best to "fake it" or pack it in, and fight another day. There is peace and wisdom in making the best choice.

[@laxd17]

Thank you for sharing this Miranda.

[@canadakaren1131]

It’s people like you Miranda who are willing to put themselves out there that help lessen the stigma of mental health issues. Also having a wonderful understanding friend like Rainer is such an amazing treasure. No one knows what it’s like until you have experienced it and it’s not something you want anyone to experience. You will do it again when the time is right, we have no doubt. Big hugs 🤗

[@WildMiranda]

Thank you Miranda for being real and showing every side of you❤ It means so so so much for me, another Miranda who struggles a ton with anxiety and depression. You are the biggest role model in my life. Thank you and take care❤️❤️ Life is just so extremely though.

[@jaylamble7035]

I appreciate that this video is more about the mental health issue but as far as winter camping goes: since you are pulling a sled you can use a different kind of "stake." You take a 1' square of 1/2" plywood with a 2" hole in the center. You put the stake with the line attached through the hole then pile snow on the plywood. The weight of the snow on the plywood will hold the stakes in place better than just driving it into the snow.

[@JamieHitt]

The strongest people I know all have the same things in common. They know their limitations. When they get overwhelmed, they assess the situation. And if they decide to call it, then they call ir. "Not today, boys!" is one of the most powerful and self-affirming staments you will ever say. It is a sign of strength, Miranda, ...not weakness. I know a thing or two about percerverence. And you perservered. You made the right decision toward the correst goal and went forrward with it. You are stronger than you think. Trust yourself. We all love you.

[@lizlydslids]

I also stopped a hike due to a panic attack (aided in part from getting lost and horrible weather) sometimes despite knowing exactly what we should be doing it's healthier for us to look after ourselves in environments that are more familier. Thanks for this video, you were really articulate about your emotions.

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

I'm so sorry you went through this too, but thank you for sharing that! I agree - I can't say for certain that this *wouldn't* have happened in warm, easy conditions, but the winter and cold definitely made it worse. I'm glad I was in a spot where I could make this call.

[@joelynnrathmann8031]

I have loved every single one of your videos. However, as someone with anxiety and depression- I need you to know … this is the BEST video you have uploaded. Without question. Be so proud of yourself and your channel, because this is the most helpful, the most real, the most effective video you’ve created. Simply beautiful!

[@TheMamabee2]

This. 🎉

[@sherryzee2634]

Nothing I love more than honesty. You are not the first backpacker I've seen "fess up". Takes guts! And, it's important for all of us to better understand ourselves and others. Rainer helped with his words of comfort. You helped by explaining what was happening to you and how to best resolve it - and allow that it was okay. Three cheers to the brave!!! You guys rock! It's your show gosh darn!!!

[@datengu]

Thank you Rainer for your support and being awesome. Thank you even more Miranda for being you and being open to help to normalize such things that happen all the time. It's ok. Just because we love the outdoors doesn't mean we love it all the time. Hugs to all y'all out there!

[@LoveyBicki]

Honestly, I’m so appreciative of you sharing Miranda and being so incredibly vulnerable. As a person who has a lot of physical limitations and is very neurodivergent it’s refreshing to see someone be honest and open and not force themselves to do things that they aren’t comfortable with.

[@briandoolittle3422]

I do a little winter backpacking, and Ive always felt myself closer to the edge than any other time of year, regardless of how much warmth/food/fuel I bring. Theres something about the inescapable cold and short days/long nights that gets to me. Over time, Ive gotten better at dealing with the emotional-ness of winter backpacking, but its never totally gone away. I also have GAD and depression.

[@valerielinares2068]

I'm sorry you went through that, but I love that you made this video. The more awareness we bring to mental health struggles, the better. I grew up in the 90s when mental health was WAYY more stigmatized than it is now. So many times, if people admitted they struggled with mental health issues, they were made fun of, insulted, and sometimes even ostracized from their communities. For some reason it's as though we as a society have been conditioned to believe we're supposed to be robots without concern or emotion. I'm so glad more and more awareness is coming out about mental health struggles. Because we _are_ human. Mental health struggles _are_ real, and they _are_ valid - and no one is less worthy of acceptance or love because of those struggles. We are human, not robots. And I'm so glad there's been more awareness of that fact.

[@RobTheTip]

I know I'm late to the party, but my wife and I adore you and your videos. I am autistic and suffer from crippling anxiety a lot of the time and I cannot describe to you how proud I am that you still made and released this video. I am extremely happy that you have friends like Rainer, that you are supported and that you made the call you did. I felt extremely represented and feeling we aren't alone, while it doesn't stop the attacks, it sure helps our mental health. Just remember, there's a whole bunch of us out here rooting for you. That doesn't mean you have to push yourself through those things for us, the honesty is the most incredible gift you can give and showing that things just suck sometimes and that's also okay is amazing

[@maubeecat2910]

Hi! Thanks for having the courage to share this. I hope it helped you and I’m sure it helped some viewers. Thanks also to Rainer for being so supportive and understanding. Maybe you told him what you need or maybe he just intuitively knows the best way to help, but it was good to see him helping (not just fixing). All the best to you both!

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

After years of working together and best-friend-ship, he is truly awesome at helping me through moments like this 💚

[@JCrozier1]

This is your show gosh darn! You do you! Rainer, is a great friend to you. I'm glad he was able to chill things out the first time, and then be ready to pack up and bounce when the time was right. I'm so glad you didn't randomly cut the video. I have felt this way on my motorcycle trips before, but had to push through due to time restraints, or reservations. Thanks for sharing!

[@TheMamabee2]

This is my favorite so far. Thank you for keeping things REAL. ((Hugs)) You just shifted me over from casual watcher to committed support.

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

I just saw this - thank you so, so much!! 🤗 that means so much to me.

[@chrisdever6638]

Dear Miss Amanda, I have been watching your videos for years. I am an avid camper and backpacker and admire your outdoors spirit greatly. You are awesome!! Having said that, I must admit that I do not suffer from anxiety, nor do I completely understand it. After watching your video I can only say that I respect you and Rainer even more!!!! Thank you!! And you guys are simply amazing!!!!!!!!

[@spamandkimchi]

Thank you for being so raw and sharing this. I’ve cut some solo backpacking trips short because of my mental health and was embarrassed to tell people why. No one ever really talks about it so I thought it was just me.

[@Nicole.Kirsten]

From a fellow worry worm -- thank you for sharing this piece of you with the rest of us! It feels validating to know that there are other outdoors-people that struggle with mental health. This video is such a real reminder to listen to and care for your body and mind. 💚

[@flaskehrlenmeyer4349]

thank you for this. I am a person who has some disabilities and I am also a person who teaches people how to go into the outdoors safely and comfortably. knowing when to pack it in is a LARGE part of being safe and comfortable.

[@akiwiincanada]

The best hiking buddies are the ones that understand that when someone in the group is having a tough day, that it's 100% OK to head back to town for ice cream. Thank goodness for Rainer. Loved this video for being so real - sometimes it doesn't work out, and that's AOK. Love your channel! Keep up the great work.

[@stephaniejhdeppe8109]

This is probably one of the most important videos youve ever made. Thank you for your vulnerability and for showing something that many just dont talk about ❤

[@scottv.4140]

My wife deals with a lot of the same things. It hurts my heart to see someone struggle like that. Its good you have support and can recognize when to call it and not push through just for a video. You are loved and appreciated.

[@markrico1917]

The part where you said "I hope there's somebody out there who feels seen" was massively important. Thank you for sharing reality and truth.

[@valstarkgraf]

I've been quietly playing your back catalog in my "I need to take a break right now" moments in the past few days as I struggle with both ADHD overwhelm and autistic spectrum overwhelm *SIMULTANEOUSLY* in the middle of the last week of very big project where I've been faking functionality since April 2022. I will be back to vanlife full time on the 13th, another stressor. I have the sweetest rig imaginable, but there are a few things (like insulated privacy panels) that are not yet ready. For all the vanlife and overlanding channels, half of vanlife is staying safe from cops and weather, and the other half is not knocking over your toilet. Sometimes even the most beautiful places suck because of circumstances. I am a landscape photographer and have some AMAZING photography from moments where I was not in a good place but still managed to be present enough to ground myself in "This is beautiful and you shoukd keep showing up on the planet for this." Thank you for being authentically human today. Thinking you a very big hug. Please take gentle care.❤

[@smeenymadewild]

I’m so glad you shared this video! It’s so important to listen to your body and not feel like you have to “fake it” in the name of making content! You are amazing and thank you for keeping it real❤

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

Thank you so much! 💚 After the fact, I was like, "I never fake it for any other videos, why would I start now" but in the moment I definitely thought I could just push through and pretend.

[@mholder1324]

As someone with anxiety and depression, thank you for being honest and sharing the good and the bad in your videos! Sidenote - I burst out laughing when I looked through the Chapter titles and saw "I have anxiety and depression" casually sandwiched in there between searching for a campsite and arriving at camp

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

😆 where better to casually sandwich it than between two seemingly innocuous things?!

[@musingwithreba9667]

That's where depression and anxiety are. Right there amongst all the other normal everyday things.

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

^ THIS.

[@crcurran]

"This is my cry, gosh darn" TY for posting this. It's important for people to know that you can change your plans if things aren't right. You weighed it out as not a bucket list activity or some big planned trip then decided to go home to recuperate. That works.

[@jamiemurray1276]

Thank you for sharing this moment. When we see others going through struggles that we are facing too, it makes us feel less isolated. I had a terrible panic attack a few years back, and it wasn’t until watching Ted Lasso that I realized what I had wasn’t unique or uncommon. Be kind to yourself and thanks again for your honesty.

[@lizzietrot2522]

And this is why we love this channel Thank you for posting this very real look at mental health and the outdoors

[@thecarbonprop]

I know exactly how you feel. ❤ Anxiety and depression sucks because people cannot see on the outside how devastating it is. Thank you for making me feel seen the way I see you.

[@rickpatenaude2719]

The first thing my father taught me when I started adventuring in the outdoors was that all things carved in stone weren't carved in stone in the outdoors, and that it was never wrong to cash it in and go home. I've spent many nites staying out when I should've been tucked in my bed. All that proved was that daddy raised a dummy. I taught my kids not to be a dummy. And as a result I've picked kids at a trailhead a little early. Sometimes a little hypothermia, and wet through sometimes a little too warm, but always safe and in one piece.... Their Mom and I will take one piece every time. Be blessed ,you are a blessing!❤

[@pitstop_calvin]

Camping in those conditions would throw most people into an anxiety attack! I had a mild heart attack at age 49 and I've had issues with anxiety ever since, I just turned 60. You did the right thing. Stay safe.

[@ISOwren]

Yeah... I can relate. I had Anxiety + altitude sickness on a trip in the summer and cut it short. Then cutting it short made the anxiety worse on the hike out. Love that you made this video! We have have our own things and it's nice see other, shows we are all human and that we are in it together! ❤

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

Ugh, that's awful! Altitude sickness on it's own is so bad, and I can totally see how choosing to cut the trip short would make all of that worse. I hear you and see you, and sending you so much love for future trips.

[@ISOwren]

@@MirandaGoesOutside ❤

[@adelamichalikova8682]

I can relate sooooo much! I suffered one of my (fortunately) rare panic attacks a couple of years ago on skitouring trip in the Alps. It was just the worst combination of different things - bad weather, us taking the wrong turn and ending up not where wanted to end up, being tired, altitude sickness starting to kick in and I was basically a newbie to the whole thing. Luckily my bf managed the whole situation like a pro and supported me incredibly. Also we got to meet the mountain rescue guys who were staying in the chalet where we were headed. :) Things can happen to anyone, any time. Hope your experience hasn't discouraged you from future hiking trips. ❤

[@ISOwren]

@@adelamichalikova8682 Think Altitude sickness is like a force multiplayer. I live at altitude so I was like... I can't get altitude sickness at 11k Ft it's to low.... hahaha I was wrong. Turns out hiking for 10miles with a pack does no favors for your loughs

[@siets7303]

Hi Miranda, thank you for sharing and Rainer thank you for being there for her.

[@windeaglemartin1800]

Very timely share for me. Just bailed out of a 32 mile backpack 5 miles in. I wasn’t as prepared physically as I thought and that affected me mentally as I too suffer from depression and anxiety. I was using the hike as a prep hike for PCT and suddenly felt like a complete failure. At 70 I know my years ahead are numbered so that added pressure. I video my hikes and that adds pressure to complete them. I was at a point where getting out was easier than for the next 28 miles. I might have been able to push through maybe and get myself in more of a difficult situation. I’m an experienced backpacker having completed many long thru hikes. I am still struggling with the feelings of failure. I cried a little watching you go through your hike knowing you felt similar. I’m regrouping and doubling down on my training and PT. Not ready to pull the plug yet on the PCT until I know I have gave it my all. Hugs to you…glad you shared!

[@jenjaynes8863]

I don't even have panic attacks, and watching you snowshoe while pulling the sled and desperately searching for a campsite on a deadline made me feel like one was coming on. I'm so glad you were able to go home and care for yourself.

[@robinbrooks3378]

Thank you for sharing and not keeping silent!❤ Thank you for taking care of you!

[@greebp4]

Happy you felt comfortable sharing that story. It takes strength to know when to push through and just as much to know when to call it.

[@MakeItWithCalvin]

I think it is awesome you showed that not every camping trip goes right, and not necessarily through any fault of your own. The part about an anxiety attack most people don't understand is a simple thing like your tent peg not staying in the ground feels like a life-ending kind of incident when in reality it is just a minor inconvenience! But mentally it feels so much worse, you get frustrated, make silly mistakes, and it just snowballs from there. Mad props to Rainer for being a trooper and making the right call saying "I think we should head back." Dealing with the cold is no joke and the last thing you want to do is potentially add hypothermia or frostbite to the list of complications, on top of a severe anxiety attack.

[@pixelshark6809]

As someone who’s fought depression for a long time, I feel this so much. It’s like you’re going through your day and this heavy, black cloud comes over you and you just can’t seem to get it to go away. Definitely a good thing to bail and reset and regroup. Like Roxette said, “listen to your heart.” Big hugs. 🫂❤

[@barbaraunderwood3711]

Thank you so much Miranda for sharing even your most challenging and difficult times. That's real life. And by doing that, I think that you just affirmed and validated so many other people's feelings and experiences. It is so okay to make decisions like the one you did. Thank you for being honest because you are not alone. You have my utmost respect. Happy trails.

[@RubenArrieta]

Honesty, respect for you and your audience, WOW. Thanks for being this way.

[@user-by8sw2dl8u]

Hello Miranda: I am retired military with multiple mental health issues from my service. I appreciate you sharing this experience, not everyone will understand this, but that’s ok, we have to take care of ourselves. Take care and be well

[@tt8581]

“Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.” This video, to me, is such a wonderful example of a person very attuned with themselves. You knew what was happening. You tried to forge ahead. Then you made a very practical decision which kept everyone safe for another hike another day. And, beautifully, you let us all in on the journey. Much peace from this corner of the internet to you & Rainer. 💛

[@jessventures6172]

Currently paused at 15:43 as I started to feel emotional myself, due to how relatable this is for me. Unfortunately I've never been lucky enough to have a single person around me who can understand or help like Rainer does, hearing him instantly trying to soothe you and tell you to breathe is beautiful and made me tear up. I had a panic attack on a camping trip with an ex, in the tent during the night, he tried to calm me down for about 10 seconds and then lay back down and tried to go back to sleep while I was hyperventilating. Tried to talk to him about it the next day and just found myself repeatedly apologising while he seemed completely unbothered and not wanting to talk about it, I got the impression that it ruined the trip for him somehow. My experience is everyone around me growing fed up of my anxiety, tired by my depression, unwilling to want to put up with me any more. As I stands, i'm a huge loner who does all the hiking and camping alone now. I would truly do anything for a loving and supportive person.

[@adelamichalikova8682]

It is sooooo sad you've had such bad experience with people you considered close. Been there too. It makes such a difference to be with someone who is understanding and helpful at ALL times. Hope you find a hiking soulmate one day. Until then I'm sending warm hugs across the ocean!

[@Joshua-dh3uj]

I know what you mean, I had a similar experience years ago. I know there are many caring people out there, but it seems like they are so hard to find.

[@lulucolby8882]

OMG, I just love you both so much! Miranda you are so smart and so brave in everything I’ve seen you take on, and this is no exception. And Rainer you are one of the most solid people I’ve ever come across on KZbin or anywhere - just a smart, solid guy. You both are amazing!!

[@jasonl9084]

My wife deals with panic attacks and also suffers from General Anxiety Disorder. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for posting this video. It took courage to discuss this topic with thousands of people that follow you. It took courage to not only understand you were not in a good mental space but also in an environment that wrong decisions could have been fatal. We follow your videos not because your content is always 100% successful. You are one of the only vloggers within the backpacking genre of youtube that I feel is 100% authentic. I think I learn more from your videos seeing that not everything goes as planned and knowing that that is ok. Again. Thank you.

[@markkitaoka8783]

Hi Miranda, I'm purposely not reading other comments here, but wanted to say something. I enjoy your channel, primarily because of your personality. We all present what we feel we should to others. This episode endears you more to me than any other. Being vulnerable is part of life. Sharing the vulnerable part of who you are with the entire world is rare and I appreciate that you dare to do so. Thanks, Miranda, if I never see another one of your episodes I'll know you are honest and courageous. And besides, any person who talks freely about pooping is AOK in my book. Hugs and take care.

[@nicholaswoollhead6830]

Damn, I was literally having a panic attack earlier today, and thought "I wish someone know what I was going through" and now you upload this. My anxiety however, is very tied to electronic communication and computers, so at least when Im out it rarely comes up. And Ive been having good results from taking CBD oil when I can feel the heartbeat starting to race up there.

[@MirandaGoesOutside]

💚 sending you so much love. You are not alone.

[@melissarobinson9618]

Miranda I love every video you give us! Thank you so so much for being human, trusting yourself and being vulnerable. (Vulnerability isn't about winning or losing, its about showing up even if you can't control the outcome) I look forward to your videos every week and it isn't about the content, it's about you! You are a ray of light for us (your viewers) and we will support you through your journeys (whether they are over figurative mountains or the real ones with beautiful views) Also your production crew is amazing to trust and love you unconditionally❤

[@monkeysliveinspace]

I did a solo overnight, a first since breaking both legs in a car accident the year before and also had a panic attack. I had gotten on trail later in the afternoon because i had been doing volunteer trail maintenance in the morning. I had gotten to where the campsite was supposed to be and there was no site, the whole hike was along a slope to a river, super muddy. It was getting dark and i was pretty much stuck, found a flat spot, set up camp in the dark, didn't even eat because i was in such a bad mood. I also have GAD w/panic, spent the night pacing, crying, sure i was dying, took an aspirin (because i did not bring my panic meds) and wrote my emergency contact number on my arm before falling asleep from exhaustion. I did wake up in the best mood though, near a rapids in the river, it was so beautiful.

[@mickeydyke392]

I suffer from claustrophobia and watching you in that tent with all that stuff made me feel claustrophobic. I car camp and bought a tent that I can stand up in and that has helped me. I know that is not your answer, but less stuff might have helped❤

[@simco75248]

I’ve had GAD/PO/MDD since 1995. Not fun but well managed. It’s really hard for others to understand how terrifying it is to have an out of the blue, full blown panic attack, followed by a long period of depression and free floating anxiety. You did the right thing. Take care of yourself and keep soldiering on! See you in the snow next time!

[@katieh2552]

Miranda, I’ve been watching your videos for a couple years and rarely comment but I wanted to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your openness and honesty and vulnerability with this video. I also struggle with multiple mental health issues including depression and anxiety and this video resonated SO much with me. And it reminds me that I am very much not alone in my experiences. So thank you so much for sharing this with all of us!! ❤

[@ayshaross7529]

This looks so much like when I have an autistic meltdown. Good on you for listening to your body and deciding to go home.

[@PabloRichardFernandez]

The mountains are my church. My demons can't find me there. But, in very rare occasions, amongst the peaks, the trees, the rivers, they do. And it jars me. In those very low points, I question everything. To know that there are others - you Miranda, and so many others who have commented - whose experience is the same, suddenly justifies the one part of me that sometimes breaks and that I am unable to reconcile. Thank you for putting yourself out there like this and thank you to so many members of this community who have done the same.

[@kmfishbiologist]

Hey Miranda. Thanks for sharing this video with all of us. Two summers ago, I took my wife on her first backpacking trip right after you took your friend on her first outing, and she almost had a panic attack. Videos like these are good for all of us to learn and recognize the signs. For our outing, my wife was a little nervous from the start as I love backpacking, and we were going with a whole group. Well the usually quiet trail ended up being busy with bear hunters, a re-routed trail run which overwhelmed one of our dogs with people constantly yelling “on the left” as they raced by, and our large group that did not stay together. The weather was also all over the place as it was very hot in the open but then very chilly in the shade. So her nerves were already shot before we even made camp. We bickered, the dog was anxious, the group tried to be peppy, and we all tried to just make camp and settle. And then it started getting chilly. The wife was doing well until it got colder, and she crawled into one of our tents with our big anxious pup (I shared another of our tents next to that one with our other experienced pup). I went to check on them about half an hour later to see if she was staying warm, and she was pale white and looked terrified. Her rented sleeping bag was too confining for her in that state and she was freezing and on the verge of a complete panic attack, which she didn’t realize until I unzipped her tent and asked if she was doing okay. Like you, she was unsure what to do even though her training has prepared her for all emergencies. Luckily, she’s experienced this before and knew how to process - I did not so going through this was a learning experience for me. Watching your video, I see similar signs in you that I saw in her that day, and I think making other people aware of these signs can only help all of us learn how to be better supporters of mental health and better backpacking and/or life partners.

[@tobiasnitzsche1315]

As an avid outdoors-person, I really appreciate your openness and honesty about your experience. Perhaps it was deflating to not feel in control of your experience, but the reality is that some flavor of that happens to everyone (even insane professionals) and can often lead to damaging, even deadly consequences if not paid attention to. My first winter backpacking experience, my friend and I attempted to up and over the tallest mountain in the ADK, with (overly) full packs and snowshoes. It was a 13 mi round-trip, with 3500 ft of elevation. Overnight, it got to -20F and even with properly rated bags, our bodies would not allow us to sleep. So we "woke up" at 5AM, ate a cold breakfast (so cold, the butane stoves didn't work), and began our trek. Around noon, my buddy tossed a few cookies and we came to terms that conditions were not good, our bodies were suffering, and we really were under prepared. If we hadn't turned around when we did, it probably would have been a newsworthy trip. That was 20 years ago and since then have enjoyed countless backpacking experiences in the snow, including submitting Rainier without a guide. It's critical that we are honest with ourselves and those around us, to ensure everyone's safety and good time. Thank you for sharing your raw experience. Love your channel!

[@jdude9922]

This comment is a little late to the party I know. I've been climbing peaks and hiking deep wilderness as far back as I can remember. Sometimes, it's just like this. Things just fall apart and you find yourself out of your element. Don't feel alone and dont feel down. Failing a trip or a summit is almost a right of passage. At first I really questioned myself and my skill set. At this point I think I have as many failed expidions as I do successful ones. In my opinion, the number one safty rule, and the hardest to implement, is listening to your gut when it tells you it's time to bail. So I applaud you for showing this side of it. It's the reality of high adventure. 50% of the time, it's exactly this, but often it gets dressed up to look glamorous. You learned a lot, and I smiled a little watching you make the same mistakes I did, I can't wait to see you back at it next winter.

[@jnh473]

As someone who loves to be outdoors and travel but has severe panic attacks in new situations, it was really lovely to have you share this. It makes me feel less alone in the outdoor community and that despite my anxiety I can still do the things I love.