A Really Heavy Life Update

at the point where if I say 'it could be worse' I have to actively think about how things could be worse
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ko-fi.com/dana...
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patreon.com/DanaAndersen

[@Cat-dw3wi]

Dana, I'm usually a lurker. Please don't delete your presence from youtube, but you also don't have to feel like you are the only person documenting certain things. Raw grief is private. We are here for you for whatever or what little you want to share. Of course you are going to feel a lot over her death, from anger to love to dreaming of the mother you wished you had and who you deserved to have. Sending you love.

[@tinadixon8186]

I’m going to add,don’t forget to eat,drink and sleep. You deserve none of this and all of your feelings are valid. Take care

[@thexpax]

You all have it so right. I pray Dana doesn't get bitter, that's a sick disease. There are times we have to plough thru the mudhole before we can get out the other side --- and be much wiser for it all.

[@marleysoluna]

this exactly. please know we care and will be here for you whenever you're ready. ❤️

[@solarydays]

frankly, nobody should use the internet as a diary

[@thexpax]

She uses internet youtube videos to plainly express her autism, healthfully teaching viewers and herself. She does not say what is more private.

[@letsrock1729]

Paradoxically, it can be even more difficult when you lose a parent you weren't close to, because you are grieving for the relationship you were never able to have with them and now definitely never will. Grief is a strange journey along an unfamiliar road (I'm walking it too right now, as my mum died 18 months ago)...but it's a unique journey for each and every one of us. There are no right or wrong actions to take and no right or wrong ways to feel. Much love to you.

[@alex_paterson]

I'm so sorry to hear, Dana. Please remember that there is no "correct" way to grieve. Take all the time you need to heal and process everything 🙏

[@jacobrodgers2700]

I haven't spoken to my mom in 3 years, but I know I will be sad if she dies, and I think it's because there's a part of me somewhere that still clings to hope that she can become the mother I always wanted, and only her death can finally put an end to that possibility.

[@DanaAndersen]

Absolutely 1000000000% this

[@christopherhoggins5008]

I’m sorry to hear about your mum. I had a similar relationship with mine and I didn’t go to her funeral. The only thing I can say is that whatever you feel is ok. Just get through the days as best you can.

[@legoloverforever8100]

I’m so sorry about your mum Dana my dad died to and it’s not easy to process or know how to feel when it happens keep your head up and focus on you special interests that’s what I did

[@olivierf2938]

My condolences for your loss. It's probably too soon to reflect on it for a video. Adult life often does feel like you're trying to catch a break that never comes. Good luck out there with all that and I hope it gets better for you and you do catch your break soon.

[@jclocks1661]

You don't have anything to be sorry for, sometimes life is just shit. I'm really sorry to hear about your loss and I hope things improve.

[@hannie-byt3]

sending you all love and peace - this is a really hard thing. I don’t think you should feel obligated to share everything publicly, your current work has already done so much good that you probably aren’t even aware of !

[@Octobris]

I'm in my 30's. I went NC with family 5 years ago because my mother constantly failing me ever since I was a child finally boiled over. And I really feel you. I have virtually no happy memories with her. She never helped me when I struggled. She conditioned me to think I deserve love only if I'm silent. She let me sink into depression for years after finishing school and shamed me for it. She first helped herself, and never thought to help me. She stifled my passions, my curiosity, my relationships with other kids. She was physically and verbally abusive. And she is literally unable to be challenged in any way, dismissing anything one says to her. And yet I know her death will absolutely destroy me, when it happens 10, 20, 30 years from now. That's her last weapon, I guess.

[@Evolution.1859]

Dana, I’m 54 and I haven’t spoken to my step-father in coming on 30 years. He’s 84 and I know he’ll die soon. He’s the main reason why I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 53. I don’t know how I’ll feel.

[@henriettajsoneskelin7806]

I feel for you, Dana. I've binged almost all of your videos in only a month and know a lot of your context. I'm shocked to hear, since just the other day you called the hospital and you did not need to worry, and then this. It's okay to not know anything right now. It's okay to have big and complicated feelings. It's okay to not share certain things. That would not mean you are not living up to some duty (however, I relate to feeling like that sometimes). You always have the options to make that content later, years from now, if you have more things figured out and feel like you want there to be such videos online for others. You also don't need to be stressing over some celebration video about the GoFundMe. That is excellent news but all we need to know is what you just announced: that it worked. People help to help, "who cares" about a big thank you video if the real and raw one was ruined by this huge incident in your life! That is too bad, but YOUR MUM JUST PASSED. Don't stress about the video. It's probably good for your channel's views and all but so is your mental health. Remake it if it makes you feel better and distracted or something, but don't create out of duty or perfectionism, okay? ❤ If you'd let me, I'd love to just sit on that bed with you and hug you and validate what a challenging life you face and just be your support through it all. Sometimes we all need a solid rock, telling us what to do next and making us feel like it's all going to be alright. You will be. We are here for you, the raw and real. Thank you for your content, Dana, and sorry about your situation. Love from Sweden

[@johnbillings5260]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. If it's any comfort I think the majority of us (and people in general) don't know what we're doing.

[@hollyoddly]

I was in and out of foster care because of abusive and neglectful parents, and it really surprised me how complicated my feelings were when my bio father died. I am also autistic, and I will say that for me personally, my demand avoidance skyrockets when I'm having a hard time. I think that's totally okay and normal because there is no way an autistic person can meet even the smallest demands when life starts to shift or pile on. Just know that you're not alone out there, and because of you I'm not alone, either.

[@MagentaFerret-wd5vt]

I'm sorry for your loss 😔

[@Hopie_T]

Feeling like you've made the best possible choices in situations but things keep going from bad to worse, is so real. I hope you can catch a break soon. I hope this channel at least helps you keep your head over water.

[@UnvisibleGirl]

Glad you got winters chair funded. You will get through this, if you struggle to get a therapist or just need someone to vent at feel free to reach out to me( I like to help people so generally good listening and talking through things ). Hope you feel in a better place soon 😔

[@Scotsman-On-The-Spectrum]

I’m sorry to hear of your loss Dana. I lost my Mum to cancer 2 years ago when I was 35 and I still haven’t been able to process it all. I feel guilty because my Autism hasn’t let me process it but I realise that we all have different ways in processing emotion and grief. I wasn’t extremely close with my Mum. I think it’s because of my Autism that I struggled to fit into my family. I have cut ties with family and moved on in life. Life has thrown a lot of shitty things at me so I hear you. It can often feel like one thing after another. You can get through this but you need to read your own body Dana. Surround yourself with supportive people. You need to make changes in removing what’s bringing you down. I’m sending you a virtual hug as I really feel for you. I know it’s hard but please keep your chin up. You have a great community around you in our community. You contribute to that. Take care ❤

[@robertdonnan2893]

I’m sorry for your loss, Dana.

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

I lost my mom a month ago. So sorry.

[@Yuffie13]

Grief is so complicated when you had a difficult relationship with the person. Sorry for your loss ❤

[@radishraven9]

I'm so sorry, you've experienced so much loss for someone so young 😢 please take care and be kind to yourself ❤

[@Sibelladonna]

Supportive hugs of love and understanding! I went no contact with my narssasistic personality mother after having a nervous breakdown last year. Since then, she has turned my whole family against me, taking away all support except my partner. I am high masking, especially because I also have mimicking abilities, but the truth is I really really struggle to function like normal people do. I'm highly intelligent and logical, but every day feels like a tug of war with brain and body. As someone who can relate, I would like to share a message of comfort, if I may, dear one. What I understand as a sensative with some experience with spirits, death, and crossing over. It works as follows, your mother has passed and crossed over. She is in a better place going through a sort of afterlife healing process, but she will have a life review where she will get to experience the effects of her behavior on you from your perspective. She will fully feel and know and understand your side. This will help her grow as a soul, and then she will come back and keep an eye on you, help you if she can because she will want your forgiveness and for you to heal, etc. So don't stress luv, feel what ever feelings come up, and then let the ones you dont like float away. Whatever you do, do not waste your time regretting or feeling guilty, etc. You did nothing wrong. She already understands and doesn't hold anything against you. Your higher selves already have a higher minded loving relationship because at the end of the day, every spirit remains pure because your spirit is a litteral fractal of god. Make peace because she already has. You don't have to forgive her offences, but you can pack them away now and know that all is well. Grieve as it comes, and then let is pass and float away so you can keep moving on. That is how it is meant to be done so we can learn and experience, but also adjust back to peace. Blessings darlin 🌻🪷⚘️ ❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@SweetiePieTweety]

I’m so sorry Dana, I hope some space for clarity can open for you. So incredibly tough. I hope you won’t disappear your presence. Give it some time. ❤❤❤

[@banovsky]

This really sucks. I lost my mom suddenly when I was 25, I’m 40 now. A lot of the trouble since her death has been not realizing that I was in burnout; at the same time, I also went through a big product launch and for the longest time I couldn’t deal with the confusing high/lows of the situation. Please, we love you and hope you can find those people and processing / tools to chip away at processing this as it comes up. Every day will be different; please give yourself the grace to remove yourself from family situations, conversations, etc. that might be triggering. If family offers any help, maybe that is a great opportunity to explore therapy options.

[@charlenechan8189]

sending you love dana. whatever emotions you feel are valid and please take your time ❤️

[@paulinejulien9191]

I’m sorry, Dana 😢 it sounds like a really difficult situation to be in and I empathise ❤

[@MorbinNecrim86]

Life's always gonna throw curveballs at you. If you feel something you feel something, if you don't, you don't, just take it as it comes and remember, you don't have to tell us everything if you aren't comfortable with it. But remember you do have friends, even if to distract you for only a short while.

[@mollyanna000]

complex emotions i’m sure… whatever you are feeling is ok ❤❤❤

[@banovsky]

Dana: “I can’t do this any more” Dana’s cat: “This is perfect don’t move a muscle…”

[@Kee-Lo]

Sorry for your loss Dana.

[@DJ_Black_Tourmaline]

so sorry to hear about your loss. my parents are in their 80s now and this is something i will need to deal with as well at some point within the next few years. thank you for your insights.

[@InTheOpines]

I really hope things start getting better.

[@KittyInTheGarden]

So sorry for your loss. Sending love to you across the internet.

[@Broken_robot1986]

I wish things were better. I feel I've been pinned down by life like in that movie clockwork Orange, with my eyes forced open so i have to watch while everything deteriorates. Much love Dana, at least your hair is nice so you got that going. Star Trek TNG says you can do all the right things and still lose, so remember winning doesn't equal success and losing doesn't equal failure. Engage

[@thijsjong]

Im sorry your mother died. I wish you strength andcomfort dealing with this. These things always happen at the strangest times. The mother of a friend of mine died a couple of months ago. He had no contact with her for over a year for what I must say good reasons. He did not go to the funeral. Now there is a caffuffle about the inheritance while he want nothing to do with the family. The rest of the family is bickering about money. He is not ashamed and after two months he feels relief. I am not telling you how to feel. It is important to take good care of yourself and reach out to friends when you need them to proces this.

[@SunnyBrigitteBee]

So sorry to hear about your mum Dana. We love you. ❤️

[@thexpax]

💚 i don't let it all pile on the brain all at once, that's drowning 💚 put each thing in a box in time order to be looked at then 💚 i think you need someone's place to crash a week, two, a month -- just eat, sleep and let things process 💚 yes, please stay on youtube, i think we all help each other 💚 would her funeral be too much, or some closure ? 💚 thank you for this offering !

[@tracik1277]

I’m so sorry for you that things are so hard. I felt really weird when my mother died, it was a not good relationship too. I think that when the relationship is particularly bad it makes the grief process unusual and it’s hard to describe to yourself and feels uncomfortable talking about it to others.

[@paradisefound3536]

Dana, your videos have helped me get me through an incredibly tough couple of years. I'm so sorry I can't do the same for you. Just know that you are not alone. That there are people out here that get it, and are sending you all their love and strength. There are no words. This is just fully bullshit. But you will get through this. Just do whatever you need, in any given moment, to find as much peace as you can. Ask for help. Rest. Keeley Hawes. Sending you so much parasocial love ❤

[@jaynes77]

Hi Dana, at some point this will be happening to me.Thanks for sharing. I'm autistic. Sending love. Look at your cat giving you so much love xxxx

[@Hermitthecog]

We're so chronically undersupported and perpetually traumatised by it that every new experience takes a long time to process. (I left my abusive/neglectful home decades ago and am still waiting for my parents to die so that I can at least have closure in that aspect of my life. No apologies, that's my attitude towards abusive family, period.) That said, what you're experiencing is very relatable from the perspective of late diagnosis, which, judging by all accounts, takes a lot of time (evidently two years seems common) to review and process past experiences from the new perspective. If it were me I'd skip the funeral and visit alone at another time; those neurotypical social rituals don't serve us at all and only add to the confused jumble of yet another unexpected transition. As for the "geezus, what next?" sense of everything always taking a turn for the crap, those especially dark times can be a challenge to navigate by oneself and a therapist can help to ease at least some of the pressure. We're nothing if not resilient. Things may suck right now but "this, too, shall pass."✊

[@DominykaSchrei]

I'm sorry Dana.

[@Felice_Enellen]

It's both okay and _very_ common not to know how to feel when someone dies, especially when it was a complicated or negative relationship, and doubly so when it's a parent. I can't really tell if you're being hard on yourself for not knowing how to process it, but if you are... don't be, it's _normal._ Just let it come to you as it comes. I'm sorry it's all so distressing for you though. ❤

[@itisdevonly]

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I've sort of been there. My mom passed away suddenly two years ago. I was literally in the middle of doing EMDR for the trauma that she had caused with her abuse. I wasn't estranged from her exactly, but I was low-contact. I did have some positive connections/experiences with her, so it wasn't all bad. But it was definitely mixed feelings. In my case, the funeral was nice, and I was glad I went. It was good to see my family again after not having seen them for 6 years (I live in Europe, they live in the US). They were surprisingly supportive, and I was fully taken care of for the few days I was there. I literally didn't have to spend any money while there, aside from at the airport. If you look up The Speech Prof (youtube, tiktok, etc.), he also had an estranged parent die. In his case, his father, and he did not go to the funeral. He has a short about that. Maybe that would be helpful to you?

[@Glitteryglows]

First of all Dana, my condolences. Second: thank you for being so honest on this platform. It feels like social media is glamorizing everything and everyone is getting the best out of life. Truth is: life is incredibly hard. Thank you for showing that as well.

[@tomdg13]

Hugs. Everything you feel is valid and important and how you process it is valid and important. And all the lovely and wise comments here echo something of who you are and the goodness you send into the world.

[@simonedutch1264]

I'm really at a loss as to what to say, offer or suggest for you Dana. However, I'm really very worried about you and if I lived near you, I would offer you a place to stay so you can get some deep rest and meals taken care of so you can sort out your head and feelings. Can I suggest you talk to your priest from your church, they are usually very good at offering very sound advice with these sorts of situations. I'm sending you so much love. XX

[@Chloe98724]

Im sorry to hear your having such a shit time 😕 life is so tough, try be kind to yourself ❤

[@flyygurl18]

Awww Dana, my condolences through this difficult times. May God bless and continue to be with You 🙏

[@AvA-4uhrugfr]

Condolences Dana 🖤

[@himiyo8619]

Oh Dana, I feel for you. Your videos have helped me tremendously and were the first I found on KZbin when I was looking for information on autism. And if there’s anything I’ve learned about you through them, it’s that you’re an incredibly strong and brave person, even if you don’t realise it or feel it right now, I know you’ll get through all this, as hopeless and confusing as it all feels. We’re here for you whether you need a break or to keep posting, don’t put pressure on yourself for the thank you video, you’ve said it here and we understand. Sending love.

[@daviniarobbins9298]

Sorry for your loss, Dana. Please don't leave KZbin. Your videos give me comfort but I understand you need time. I lost both my parents, 13 years ago and nearly a year ago. It sucks. I feel like I am just surviving and not living.

[@lorrainenorman9769]

Sending you a big hug 😢

[@Katielouise262]

I wish I could help. I am very sorry you are going through this. My mother also just died and I also can't feel the way I would like, or the way she deserves, although it is a different situation.

[@westrain2]

Condolences Dana 😢

[@BipolarCourage]

Sometimes having a vent on a video is therapeutic. Even if don't upload it.

[@pattayaesl7128]

I didn't speak to my abusive dad for 17 years. When he died, I went through 2 weeks of real bad business. Afterwards I actually felt better. Like relief. Like all the BS he dumped on me my whole life was released. But the whole business is awful.

[@fuzbugg]

sucks Dana, so sorry for your loss and really hope you can find a better place to live you deserve it.

[@roberttravers7587]

Great video! hope everything works out for you😁

[@supergamer42]

💜

[@allanwhite1533]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Dana. Complex grief is incredibly difficult to go through.

[@WWIIUK]

So sorry to hear about your Mum, it sounds like an incredibly tough thing to have to go through. Take care of yourself.

[@Dani.P.F.]

I am so sorry! Grief is an asshole. Do what is right for you. You'll be ok!

[@duetschesandpoppy]

I'm so sorry to here this. Problems or not, losing her still sucks. Hope you feel better soon.

[@drusillahalliwell]

Your not alone I went through the same thing15years ago I was undiagnosed autistic then I just found out I was autistic at age 56 I know it is complacated please don't delete your KZbin I look forward to seeing them as it lets me know I am not alone

[@kirstinline]

i’m SO sorry. i’ve dealt with the estrangement and the death of parents. give yourself plenty of space and make allowances for yourself. nobody knows what to do because there’s no ‘right way’ to deal with grief. good luck and stay well x

[@crystalokeefe197]

Sorry to hear about your mom .

[@thethegreenmachine]

I'm sorry you're going through these things. I'm certain I won't be going to a certain relative's funeral, but that's because I live so far away. If I lived nearby, I don't know. There are people I'd like to see again, but I don't know if I'd even be welcome. It's been a long time. I might not even find out the person died. It's happened in the past with that part of the family. I hope you don't delete your videos. They help.

[@helenaskew4851]

Condolences Dana on your mum ❤

[@anthonyrowland9072]

It's ok to be ok and ok to not be.

[@Arithryka]

[@KimberleyMarlin]

I'm so sorry about your loss. Take as much time as you need, and don't worry about KZbin videos x

[@miezepups15]

I can relate to you not wanting to look at the videos you filmed. Don't stress yourself out over it. Grief is weird. Take your time.

[@EmShenanigans]

My mum died last year, regardless of your relationship it totally sucks. Always here even if you just want to vent 🩷

[@achilleus9918]

i'm so sorry you have to go through this

[@missm10]

So sorry lovely.

[@ashtheinnovator954]

I’m so sorry to hear that. I pray that you get through this.

[@mchlle94]

Thanks for making this video, it makes me feel less strange. I also haven't spoken to my parents in ages (I had an abusive childhood). I've thought about it a lot, if one of them would pass, how I would feel. The strange thing is that you have, in a way, already mourn(ed) them when you decide to go no contact. And you already mourn the person they should've been but weren't. At the same time, it doesn't mean that it's easy when they come to pass. I would say that, in a way, it's more difficult because there's lots of conflicting emotions and it's more difficult to get the closure you're looking for. I know things seem bleak right now, but there will be brighter days. Believe me. As someone who's gone through a lot of "this is the worst that could've happened and it did" and "I had exactly this awful hunch about this and it came true" there will always be better days and periods. But I get that it's hard to see that when you're in it. Also, just want to know I always appreciate your vids.

[@Borrisssa]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope things get better and you're able to get a new apartment ♥

[@BilliesCraftRoom]

sending you plushies of support. megan devine has a great channel for grief suport.

[@centaurbrain]

whatever you're feeling is valid, theres no "right" way to grieve. sending u love ❤

[@simonedutch1264]

Just really hoping you're doing okay Dana.

[@nimrodgrrrl]

Oh Dana. I can imagine this would be a really difficult time for you. I hope you’re able to move soon and find a therapist, and that you’re able to give yourself space to feel however you need to feel. Sending love. ❤️🫂

[@sparky4786]

I’m sorry. Losing a parent regardless of relationship is so hard and then adding a level of difficulty for any reason is just… rough. I’m sorry.

[@Sommyie]

That's rough. Hope you can get any support you need.

[@TheCassierra908]

Dana, I am so sorry for your loss and for all the difficult situations you have to deal with on top of that. Feelings are valid and take whatever time you need in whatever way. Hoping things get better.

[@TheeOldest]

Dear Dana, I really appreciate your honesty and I am rooting for you. You have done a fantastic job helping others with your videos ❤.

[@Laura8-pearl]

I am so sorry, Dana. My mom also died when we were estranged, though we talked in the end and had a litlte peace in her passing. It took me months to begin to get out of freeze and grieve. Music really helped me able to feel. Song that finally broke me was - Averett Brothers - No Hard Feelings. I am also sorry you are going through such a dark night of the soul right now, with so many things going on. I know I am just a stranger on the internet, but please know that it will pass and won't last forever. Life is always cycical and you will hit an up cycle. Keep going, you will get there! I did a little video on making space in your life that maybe can help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/eqauc5eOd9GahKc

[@nicorete2620]

Thank you for sharing.

[@matttriano]

I'm so sorry. All my very best.

[@RedSntDK]

Losing a parent is hard either way, they are a usually a huge part of ones life. Lost my mother 8 years back, and that was what made me realize, what with only my father being left, why I had the problems I had. Got diagnosed with ASD lvl 1 and ADD earlier this year. Wish my mom would've known, maybe things would be different. And that's what makes it hard, isn't it? Perception of time as an AuDHD is bad enough, and then you add outside changes out of your control - phew.. Hope you figure out your living situation, and of course I'm glad to hear Winter is getting a new wheelchair.

[@Scarygothgirl]

It's important to be kind to yourself ❤ Grief can be very complicated, especially for a parent that you had a difficult relationship with. You might find yourself grieving for your childhood and the childhood you could have had if you had a different parent. Grief for difficult parents is often a lot more complicated than grief for a loved one that you had a close relationship with. Grief often comes with reliving old memories, which is bittersweet if you had a good relationship, but can be traumatic if you didn't. Be prepared for a rough few months, lots of cuddles with Otis ❤️

[@NexxRoxx]

I hope things improve for you pls dont close this channel i always like to see u no matter the topic.

[@SocialCueStrange]

Sending my best thoughts and love to you

[@MorbinNecrim86]

You don't have to be sorry about anything.

[@AndrewRockface]

I would never compare my situation with yours but, from one autistic person who has had to deal with way too many parental issues and still do, to another, I send many metaphorical hugs.

[@catherinie]

sending you big warm hugs Dana, you’ve been such a source of hope for me since I was diagnosed autistic at 25. your videos are so real and honest and it’s comforting to know there’s another person out there with similar family struggles and autism. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum passing, grief is so complicated when that person has hurt you in the past ❤️‍🩹 take as much time as you need, it’s a huge thing to process xx

[@catherinie]

to add to this: there’s a song I wanted to share with you that I listen to when everything is just absolute shit: Relentless by Audrye Sessions. I hope if you listen it can help ease the pain a little x

[@LynIsALilADHD]

I'm so sorry, hon. I know your relationship was weird, so I have to believe this leaves you feeling equally as weird..... just SOOOOO many hugs!!!

[@lauraburystedmundsyoga8231]

Sending so much love & hugs (if you like them) your way. This must be so difficult for you. I'm estranged from my abusive parents & I don't know what it will do to me when they die, but I imagine I will feel a lot like you're feeling now. Please take as much time as you need to process. We love your videos but we'll get by without them if you need to take a break. 💚