Girlfriend or Therapist?

[@SheenaRea]

Thanks Abel... Rings very true. I met "Ed" when his wife was in memory care, and we became friends. Right away I was his listener, and moral support. He had tons of friends and family, so I was just one of the many. Two years after his wife died, he asked me out, and in the course of our dating, said he wanted a "real relationship." Our outings were mostly him being the talker, me the listener. He wanted me to set dates up or cook for him. Pretty soon he was wanting me in his bed. (I didn't go there, altho we were intimate somewhat.) I could see I was more or less a therapist; I made him feel good. He was terrified of being alone. Even though he hired TWO maids to live on the premises, 24/7 (he's rich)! It was when he told me he was seeing two other women, I was perplexed. "But YOU'RE the one I want," he said. So I told him I just wanted to be friends. He is now calling me telling me he's so lonely. Walking away from him was the most freeing experience ever. I didn't realize how much I was under his spell. He never wanted love, just sex. That was his goal.

[@DatingaWidower]

You did the right thing by walking! Hope the W can get the help he needs (preferably from a real therapist).

[@margaretwilkinson8188]

I met my husband, who had been widowed several years before, in 2018. After about a year, we reached a level of comfort and trust that things switched to me being his therapist. I was seriously thinking of leaving when covid came, and instead we ended up living together, since my living situation wasn't safe re covid. I was done with being his therapist and ready to leave in December of 2020, but his reaction was to start seeing an actual therapist. We got married in December of 2021, and it's a wonderful marriage. I didn't think of that difficult time as him using me as his therapist, it just felt like all our intimate conversations involved his late wife. So from my experience and what I wish I had known: just because he's using you as a therapist isn't a deal-breaker if he's willing to see an actual therapist. It worked wonderfully in our case.

[@johnkeith2450]

Never build your house on another persons land

[@RB-gt8bf]

I reconnected with an old boyfriend of 40 years ago. We reconnected for over a year after his late wife passed suddenly. He is on the west coast and I am on the east coast. He let me know he had just finished a year of one to one therapy with a grief counselor and now was in a widowers group that meets monthly. Wow I was so understanding but after a year of thinking he was moving forward and progressing as he was thinking about visiting me on the east coast .... the late wife brother passed suddenly in Feb. Again I was so understanding but it was so overwhelming the way he seemed so happy to be reconnected to grief again. When he said "Someone told me I was going to be able to help someone else and now I have to help my late wife's brothers adult children with their grief". Something in understanding me just snapped and I blurted out "I can't talk to you anymore...and this is to much ...I don't know what I am doing..." I told him it was great to catchup but this is hard for me. We hung up before I could explain to him that my grief of losing both of my parents is always with me as they were my only immediate family (I am not married and have no children), but I still want to engage in life. I did let him know that I did not know what I was doing trying to support him in a way that did not make me feel like I was walking on eggshells. I never asked too much I just let him talk. at his comfort level. In the past I listened to his rant about how he did not feel supported in his loss by his brothers so he cut them off and stopped speaking to them. I don't know if he will ever reach out again; I hope so after he is ready to see me. But, in the meantime it's hard because he was a love in my 20's. We never brokeup. We were both in the military serving overseas and I returned back to the states 7 months before him still on active duty serving on the east coast. When he returned from overseas his military enlistment was completed and he settled in California. We had a wonderful relationship and I guess that is what I remember. Able most of what you said in this video some of it rings true in my experience with him. Maybe one day if he is ready to open up to seeing me we will reconnect again. But, in the meantime it's a hard pill to swallow but I know when I blurted out "I can't do this..." despite not wanting it to come out this way it is really how I was feeling. I know right now he is upset with me because he feels that as a widower my supporting him is what a friend does; he just seemed to be clueless that at times it was a lot. I need and desire a man who can see me just as much as I see him despite our imperfections.

[@christineplaton3048]

Cant be...