ACA/ACoA Reparenting - Soothing Your Inner Child In Stressful Times, Toronto ACA Conference Nov 2020

Soothing Your Inner Child in Stressful Times by Louis B - Introduction to ACA Reparenting & Introduction to the ACA Reparenting Check-in. Presented on Zoom in November of 2020 for the annual Toronto ACA Conference.
Original talk and supporting materials are available at the ACA Toronto Intergroup website: acatoronto.org...
My business website, Live True Be Well (reparenting coaching): www.livetruebe...
Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families main website: adultchildren....
ACA Loving Parent Guidebook information and Reparenting Check-in resources: adultchildren....
A New Hope ACA Beginner's Meeting Handbook and meeting information: www.acahope.com/

[@bloomin_life]

Thank you for being here❤ I will come back to this lessons as much as I need to and continue to succeed in healing every day

[@loubardach]

Thanks for letting me know this workshop was helpful, Raquel. And most definitely, keep coming back as needed! I wish you the best on your healing journey 🙏🏻❤️

[@ilovetaylorswift3]

Thanks for making this video, healing from dysfunction is so hard and having to be your own parent can be so painful, especially when holding a lot of resentment around a dysfunctional/alcoholic childhood

[@loubardach]

Hey Taylor, thanks for your comment. Yes, healing these old wounds can be a painful process. I've discovered the part of me that holds anger and resentment (maybe an inner teen?) also needs reparenting and can be healed. It's just a different "flavor" of reparenting than working with the youngest, most tender parts of myself.

[@ilovetaylorswift3]

@@loubardach it’s really reliving to hear that these wounds can be healed. I’ve just recently discovered I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I didn’t realize how much this has seriously affected my life and all my relationships or lack there of until recently. Finding the right recourses to heal this pain has proven difficult for me. I had a bad experience with a therapist recently and it’s been really frustrating because I’m struggling to get the help that I need to work through this.

[@loubardach]

@@ilovetaylorswift3 You've made a really important discovery and sounds like you've started connecting some dots. Finding a trauma-informed therapist or similar type of helping professional can be really useful, but you are right, we have to be discerning in who we work with. You might check out the ACAhope.com website where you can download an ACA Beginner's Handbook for free, and get information about online beginner's meetings. I'm directly involved with the Sunday noon ET meeting . . . perhaps I will see you there.

[@kking-fisher6374]

@@loubardach You mentioned a PowerPoint presentation that you have available. How do I get this?

[@loubardach]

@@kking-fisher6374 The PowerPoint slides (in *.pdf format) can be downloaded here: acatoronto.org/events/past-events/loving-aca-recovery-in-action-post-event-materials/ Scroll down to "Day 2" and you will see them.

[@monicaduncan3979]

I’m so grateful to have found this video. I’m new to ACA but intuitively know this is where I can find the healing I need. Thank you for laying things out so well, I feel like I have been given the map to find a buried treasure. 🙏

[@loubardach]

Thanks for commenting, Monica. It's great to hear that this video is useful. Welcome to ACA and best of luck on your healing/growth journey!

[@arinawillis7182]

Thank you so much! I appreciate you. Manny blessings ❤

[@loubardach]

I’m glad the workshop was helpful. Thanks for commenting to let me know. Best wishes on your reparenting journey! 🙏🏻❤️☺️

[@jessicaroberts8090]

Trying to pry open the clinched fist made me cry, I don't want to fight with myself or anyone else, holding my hand was peaceful and calm

[@loubardach]

Hey Jessica, it's great that you're discovering you don't want to fight with yourself in your healing/growth process. There is a gentler way. It sounds like this exercise helped you connect to your "inner loving parent" energy with some gentleness, patience, and compassion 👍💜

[@lukem4980]

This is the first ACA share I’ve really related too. I have healed the blame/resentment to my parents through AA amends but I still suffer from the effects of a dysfunctional childhood. The clenched fist meditation was so powerful. Thank you. I was beginning to believe I didn’t have the characteristics of ACA because I wasnt acting/living in the laundry list. Do you sponsor or have some online meetings you could recommend? It’s difficult trying navigate the aca space as a beginner. Finding the right meetings etc

[@loubardach]

I appreciate hearing that this presentation was helpful and that you related to the material and some of my personal experiences. It took time for me to see how some of the ACA Laundry List Traits or Other Laundry Lists Traits applied to my life. Doing deeper work with others and hearing about how they related helped me see my relationship to some of the Traits more clearly. I've never "formally" sponsored anyone, nor had a sponsor. The traditional 12-Step model of connecting with others in recovery through "sponsorship" presented problems for me. Here is a presentation I did on this topic if you're interested: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aH7WdKOIi5yblZo However, for me, connecting with fellow travelers in the program to do deeper healing/recovery work has been essential. I've done most of this work as part of small workgroups, which the above link also discusses. And, primarily through doing workgroups, I have met others in the program who I now meet with regularly for mutual, ongoing individual support (some might call this co-sponsorship). And while I work professionally with folks worldwide on these issues as a therapist and coach, I, unfortunately, don't have any additional space to do individual work with others through 12-Step service. This is why I try to make free resources like this video available . . . as a way to be of service and give back what was freely given to me. I've also been involved in developing beginner's materials and meeting resources in ACA. "A New Hope ACA Beginner's Handbook" was created to help introduce folks to the ACA program incrementally, attempting to help manage the overwhelming feelings that so many feel when opening the doors to this type of recovery work. You can learn more about the book and access additional resources like beginner's meetings that use the Handbook here: adultchildren.org/literature/a-new-hope/ I wish you the best on your ACA journey.

[@evelynmontez3565]

This is very helpful. I just came back to ACA after I5 years of obsessing on others. I decided it was finally time to take a look at my own behavior. I was so lucky to find a blue workbook study near me. Thank you❤

[@loubardach]

Welcome back to ACA! I'm glad this video was helpful. 👍 I wish you the best with your LPG workbook study group and your reparenting journey 😊💜

[@kaitlinobrien243]

Beautiful thank You so wise n gentle ❤❤❤ Kaitlin

[@loubardach]

Thanks for sharing your feedback, Kaitlin 😊

[@katesparks730]

This is so helpful, thank you!

[@loubardach]

Thanks for your comment Kate! I appreciate hearing the video is useful ☺️

[@LAGoff]

I finally got the Inner Teen, and in so getting, I finally got (understood) the Inner Child when you contrasted the Inner Child's contraction with the Inner Teen's inflation. Now it all makes perfect sense. Thank you.

[@loubardach]

Thanks for your comment . . . I'm glad the framework of contraction and inflation in reparenting resonated with you. When I think of my inner teens as protectors, it makes sense that they would need an "inflated" quality to take on that role. My inner teens also need different reparenting language from my inner loving parent than the younger, more contracted inner children need. It's definitely a different "flavor" of reparenting when working with my inner teens.

[@millier9658]

I't was a very slow process and I had a lot of resistance to it', THANK YOU for saying that as this is me doing step 4 (first part). It is unbearably painful.

[@loubardach]

I appreciate hearing that the talk was useful. Yes, the recovery process and opening to reparenting can take some time. ACA Step Four, in particular, can be a long, involved, and sometimes painful process. I've learned in deepening ways over time why ACA says it's important to do this type of inner work with "gentleness, humor, love, and respect."

[@melissap4532]

Subscribed. Thank you for sharing this. You’re doing such important work! I’m so grateful.

[@loubardach]

Thanks for your encouragement, Melissa, and for letting me know that my work is important to you. And thanks for subscribing :)

[@elifeceper7245]

Thank you for sharing Your voice and appearance is so comforting

[@loubardach]

I'm glad the video was useful, and you found it comforting 😊

[@RockyScullion]

Felt vulnerable n reassured my inner child it was safe

[@elifeceper7245]

I would love to listen to you, if actually read from the Big Red Book. I am unfortunatelly to busy (and lazy) to read by my selv.😢

[@loubardach]

@@elifeceper7245 The Big Red Book is also available in audio format if you prefer listening to reading. Still, the Big Red Book is a heavy read. Alternatively, as a starting place, you might check out the new Beginner's Handbook that ACA just released. I was involved in the development of this new publication, so I'm biased, but I think it's pretty good ;) It's written to be a more "accessible and digestible" introduction to the program: adultchildren.org/literature/a-new-hope/

[@stellarnomad42]

Thank you Louis. I'm new to reparenting and I appreciate your honesty and your presentation. So many gems here for me to learn from.

[@loubardach]

Hey Don. Welcome to the ACA reparenting journey. I appreciate hearing that the presentation was helpful for you. 👍☺

[@sadiehusko7144]

Great workshop thank you.

[@loubardach]

Hey Sadie, thanks for letting me know the workshop was useful for you :)

[@two_spirit_sun]

I’m so grateful I stumbled across this video, thank you for your transparency, I just started going to ACA and even though I’m still new, I resonate deeply with this body of work, thank you for these perspectives and insights, it gives me a lot to reflect on 🙏

[@loubardach]

I'm glad you found this video, too, and that it resonated. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience watching it. Welcome to ACA, and I wish you the best on your healing journey 🙏☺

[@saturn52]

HI Louis, thank you for your service and for uploading this video. I'm sure I will keep coming back to this.

[@loubardach]

Hey Scott. My pleasure, I'm glad the content is useful for you. I appreciate you sharing your feedback here, thank you :)

[@aveguenthner3451]

Thank you for this

[@loubardach]

You're very welcome Ave, thanks for your comment :)

[@candyheartsart]

Subbed you are so calming ❤ I love this video thank you

[@loubardach]

I'm grateful I can get to my calm place more easily and more often today. I appreciate hearing the video was useful, Candy, thanks for your comment :)

[@MamaCrowAsh]

Thank you this helped❤

[@loubardach]

Thanks for letting me know the workshop is helpful. I wish you the best on your recovery/healing journey 🙏🏻❤️

[@nancynorris3714]

This workshop is so helpful and comforting. Thank you. ❤️

[@loubardach]

I appreciate you leaving a comment, Nancy, that the workshop has been a good resource for you :)

[@dianeibsen5994]

Thank you so much for sharing this insiteful and helpful video. And for telling your story. It's interesting my perception of you growing up in a recovery family, I would think that would be "ideal." And because I wasn't there. I can only hear that it wasn't as functional as one would think. And I really appreciate you reminding me about gentleness, humor, love and respect. As it does not come easy.

[@loubardach]

Hi Diane. I appreciate you sharing that the video has been helpful for you. There are many good trauma and addiction healing resources out there today, but usually healing the wounds of childhood trauma and addressing addictions takes time. I know I still tend to bump into my adaptive survival traits when I still get triggered from time to time. But thankfully, the triggers don't happen as frequently, they don't last as long, and I don't get pulled as deep into them. I think it works this way for many of us.

[@dianeibsen5994]

@@loubardach I appreciate your reply. And thank you for the comforting words. It's nice to know I'm alone in this long and many times, arduous path. Decades. And I'm not saying I haven't made progress, but still. It's alot and always more to go. I've had many bottoms in my life. and the most recent was about three-four years ago when I became homeless because if medical issues. And to "my surprise" a strange, but huge eyeopener of how truly unsupportive and sick my family really is. I am wondering if you know of a recommendation for a trauma informed therapist outside Seattle area? And you mentioned ifs therapist also. I have Medicare and not sure who would take this insurance?

[@dianeibsen5994]

@@loubardach Thank you. do you have any recommendations for me? I'm here in Washington state, but I guess there's always assume these days. Have you done any work with inter family systems..IFS? If so did you find it helpful?

[@loubardach]

@@dianeibsen5994 Yes, I use IFS perspectives and techniques personally and with clients. I actually just posted a video on reparenting and IFS: kzbin.info/www/bejne/joXKnYeniLKkl5I

[@dianeibsen5994]

@@loubardachok. I will look at this, thank you for sending it. I'm in Washington state and on Medicare, do you have any suggestions as to someone who does this work that takes Medicare. I am in my 50s and struggled with c-ptsd my whole life, and only knowing about c-ptsd 3-4 years ago 😞 I used to have debilitating panic attacks as well.

[@claudiapaeth5199]

Recently I was given the opportunity to comfort my inner child and really look at those bigger, damaging pieces of my past after I felt ghosted from another person. In my self reflection, I realized I am suffering from 'attachment trauma.' Looking back, I have had this all my life just didn't have a label or understanding of it. Do you have any workshops on this subject? I would love to have exercises in this area. Thank you for sharing your insights and help with ACOAs out there. It is so needed.

[@loubardach]

Thanks for commenting and sharing a bit about your journey, Claudia. Many terms are used to describe the effects of growing up in dysfunctional homes, including the experience of "attachment trauma." When we speak of EARLY childhood trauma (some might say dysfunction occurring in the first two years of life), we will inevitably be referring to attachment issues (thus, "attachment trauma"). Generally, attachment is designated as "secure" with "good enough parenting" or "insecure" with several different resulting patterns (ambivalent, avoidant, or disorganized). When we speak of "abandonment issues," this, too, is referring to problematic/insecure attachment patterns. You might take a look at attachment theory to learn more (such as this: www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337). ACA reparenting can be used as a framework and toolset to address many types of childhood wounding, including attachment trauma.

[@LaureneSmith-s4c]

I have the big red book, what is the yellow workbook? Where can I get it?

[@loubardach]

What people often refer to as "the yellow workbook" is a workbook to do the 12 steps in ACA. Here is a link to all ACA major publications: shop.adultchildren.org/collections/books - Also, ACA suggests that we do "deeper work" with another person or as part of a group. Many with adult children tendencies gravitate toward trying to "fix" themselves in isolation. Childhood trauma is a wound of trust more than anything else, and we can't fully heal trust wounds in isolation.

[@pngproductions8529]

we don't have a aca or coda in my area and I desperately need a group..were might one find one online, any suggestions? I bought the books

[@loubardach]

Hello, and welcome to your ACA journey! You can do a search on meetings at adultchildren.org/meeting-search/ . You can filter specifically for online meetings if you can't find meetings in your specific area. I would also recommend a noon ET U.S. beginner's meeting if you're new to ACA. You can access a free beginner's meeting handbook download, and get the Zoom meeting information at www.acahope.com/

[@aml8760]

Hi louis, the links(liste) on the acatoronto don't work for the workshop. Do you have another way to access them?

[@loubardach]

Hello. I don't have any direct affiliation with the ACA Toronto Intergroup, but you're right, I checked, and the links seem to be broken. I sent them an email to see if this is something that can be fixed. If you want the materials (slides in *.pdf) from my presentation, you can email me at [e-mail] and I can email them to you.

[@LaureneSmith-s4c]

My sister took all the photo albums decades ago out.of the house and then they burned in a fire. I have no pics of me

[@loubardach]

Unfortunately, I've known others with similar stories, resulting in them having no photos of themselves from childhood. However, I'm not sure that the images we use to connect with our younger selves must actually be photos of us. I worked with a fellow traveler who went online and did Google searches to find images that represented his younger selves. The photos he found amazed me because as he showed them to me, I could easily tell which stories from his past the various stories represented. For example, he had previously told me about a time he was bullied on a playground in middle school, and when he showed me a photo he found of a boy on a playground, I knew that photo represented his younger self from that event.

[@desislavamustakertcheva7231]

❤❤❤❤

[@tmwj0402]

Allso I cant see you hands

[@patdenman3887]

My heart was broken. My dog had a fit. My father had to shoot him. Several shots. Afterwards he asked me to promise not to ever get another dog. I understood he was hurting. Nobody understood how I was hurting. No comfort for me. I said I'm sorry, Papa, I can't do that. I went numb for a few years. Let my turtles die of neglect. Feel guilty about that although I understand the trauma was severe and reaction reaction understandable. No comfort for my broken heart in a family focused on only their pain.

[@loubardach]

Wishing you well on your healing journey.

[@GabbyOglesby]

Hi Louis, Thank you for this video - can i ask for optimation on this video for people with disabilities? utilizing the tools youtube has to offer -- if you dont know what this means i do this for work and can i help you do it if you dont know how - i am also ACA / Alanon and other 12 step programs. I also have disabilities and there are optimizations for people like me who have disabilities that would make it easier for them to navigate and understand the content within this video based on learning styles - this might seem weird in a comment but even if i set it up for me it would be greatly helpful for referencing this video as a tool and im sure other as well. feel free to reply to this comment if interested we can find a way to connect instead of me posting my number or contact publicaly. Thank you for posting this content.

[@loubardach]

Hey Gabby. I appreciate your desire to make this video more accessible to people who might be having trouble accessing it, and your offer to provide some guidance. Please feel free to reach out to me directly at [e-mail]

[@davidtanner2644]

great stuff .... warning --- he uses the word right 1K times ... right - lol

[@loubardach]

I’m glad the presentation was useful. And I do use the word “right” a lot in this video …. right? 😏 - I wonder what part of me it is that does that? I wonder what part of you it is that wanted to point that out? 😉

[@thezzach]

47:00 grounding me who in me is triggered

[@loubardach]

Hey Zach. I think it's important to ask this question as part of our reparenting practice, but if the answer isn't clear in the moment, it's also important to let it go.

[@tmwj0402]

Very nice training...but you are talking to fast ,that it is not easy to understand you proces

[@loubardach]

I appreciate hearing you benefitted from the training, and thank you for your feedback. I will try to be more aware of speaking slowly and making sure my hands are visible if I do this exercise online again. Best wishes.

[@brendamackie5492]

I’m really sorry but I just couldn’t listen to another “right” used to punctuate every thing you said.

[@loubardach]

My inner critic can be really hard on me sometimes when I listen to my videos and hear a lot of “ummm’s” and “right’s.” This is a good example of my reparenting practice, allowing my inner loving parent to tell me “it’s OK” that I sometimes do those things when I get nervous or excited … and that those viewing the video can set boundaries in ways that work for them as you did, taking the parts that work well and leaving the rest.

[@brendamackie5492]

@@loubardach I’m sorry, what I said was harsh. Voices trigger me, for many reasons however, no need to punish you.

[@loubardach]

@@brendamackie5492 I really appreciate your comment, Brenda. It was a great reparenting opportunity for me, and I think this exchange might actually be useful for others to see/read, too. Honestly, my first reaction reading the comment was defensive, and my initial response was a fairly standard, non-"open-hearted" 12-step oriented reply, "Take what you like and leave the rest" (probably an inner teen part of me). But after a pause and some reflection (doing the "Reparenting Check-in"), I realized that the judgment I was feeling coming at me was very much like the judgment going on inside of me. That is what was getting stirred up and what I needed to attend to (my inner critic). I could also empathize with others in this moment (like you in this case) who have may have active inner critics that can be challenging to work with, whether they are directed inward or at others. After my inner critic stepped back, I could see that I have "younger parts" who can feel self-conscious (afraid) about others seeing my nervousness or excitement. Once I was able to realize that, I could reparent those parts of me and let them know I love them and can keep them safe and well tended to as I go out into the world. So again, I really do appreciate your comment 👍🙂❣