Unmasking the Truth: Unlocking Honesty in People Struggling With Addictions

[@lisabrown2634]

My son is in prison and addicted. I am thankful for your channel. I started watching to help myself. Now I communicate what I have heard to him and it is helping him. Thank you for sharing.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's so wonderful Lisa! I'm so proud of you both🤩🤩🤩Thank you for your kind words and positive support!

[@privateprivate1865]

Omg.. what a nightmare 😢😢😢😢.. People dont know the truth about opioids.. They claim People are dying from overdosing..which there's truth to that.. Buy the bigger truth that I believe is being hidden by big pharma, is that people are forced to kill themselves do to unbearable opioid withdrawal and from opioid pain receptor and sleep receptor damage.

[@jmathis2aug]

Recovering addict here. Wish this info was available to my friends and family. I wouldnt have wasted so many years. Any active addictions watching, please dont worry about shame. I’ve only received support & love from my people. Life is so much better on this side, i promise!

[@wwpetko-6760]

Al Anon has saved me the last 5 years. No lie. I have been through so much with my spouse and two kids. Listening to these videos the past 1.5 years has also been extremely helpful. Keeps me from losing my mind and spiraling down into depression.

[@Jimmy_Ray2]

How have I only just discovered this channel?! Gem after gem after gem wow. Reflecting body language to gain insights without judgement. "Hope is not a strategy". This is gold. Got lots of catching up to do on this amazing content...

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow thanks Bob! You’ve put a giant smile on my face 😀😀 I’m so glad you found out like community too 😁

[@amandacarter7740]

God bless you. Ive been sober for 15 years from chronic alcoholism and 35 from heroin. I had support but until i made some changes the addictions kept on at my heels. You sound a truely amazing mum and your daughter is very very blessed to have you. I truely hope sge manages to get that right support that enables her to fight her addictions abd hence youl both get some peace. Blessings being sent from wirral england

[@eek42]

I think those details did matter for me. When I finally snooped and saw how bad the spending on drugs really was, it motivated me to leave to preserve my financial safety. I was convinced it ‘wasn’t that bad’ before.

[@teresast8557]

I feel like most of the times if you are family or a spouse you step on the small seed of change because of how affected you are by their addiction. If their addiction makes your life a living hell and you are all burnt out by it of course you will look for the biggie because a small step means you will still be stuck for a long time. So free yourself first, make your life better and less dependent on their situation and THEN you will be able to water the small seeds of change with patience and compassion.

[@adrianerose7896]

Thank you, Teresa. Makes me feel like I did the exact right thing. I kept negative interactions after I found the evidence to a minimum and just asked for space. My meth-addicted partner is moved out and I'm finding myself much more able to communicate with compassion and kindness now I'm not at the receiving end of his abuse anymore.

[@louisekeel207]

Hi Amber, from the UK. I'm new to your channel, and can't thank you enough for your content. After 10 years of supporting my 25yo addicted daughter, I have come to many of the same conclusions as to strategies that either work, or definitely do not, for me. And to some extent, for her. It's so helpful to listen to you validate these strategies though, and also shine a light on many more techniques and insights into addiction. We seem to cycle through all the stages though? regardless of my strategies. From complete denial, justification, minimising, anger/defensiveness, projection (of it being my fault for engaging in conversation, or caring about her), avoidance, and always guilt and shame, often expressing deep love and gratitude for me, sometimes leading also to her own attempts to self regulate, and seek her own support, for a short time. She does often express 'hating the drug she is addicted to', 'wanting change', 'wanting a different life'. She has admitted she is addiction many times. Without being prompted to feel or say it. No matter how much I affirm her behaviour when she is 'honest', or doing well (like seeking support for herself, or sorting out her own unmanageability in areas of her life, or attempting to self regulate etc), and actively/reflectively listen, it seems like she always reverts to being triggered back into the addictive cycle? Usually by life events, especially any perceived 'abandonment' or 'rejection'. And when it's bad, it's really really bad. The harm. Many hospital admissions, (for being unconscious, or vomiting blood etc) physical health deterioration, and MH deterioration/chronic depression. She has underlying MH issues, and TS, OCD/ADHD. She takes an SSRI, which helps, when not using. She has done 4 (voluntary) treatment programmes (the 1st one at 18), been in sober living, had counselling, CBT, meetings (both NA and SMART, 12 step doesn't work for her, SMART makes more sense), over the last 10 years. Her drug of use/'escape' is Ketamine. It's a dissociative anaesthetic. Side effects...It causes chronic depressive episodes, and dissociation, as well as intense physical illness (stomach lining, bladder issues) , including 'accidents', like burns, falls etc. . She has also used opiates, and also crack cocaine, for short periods over the last 10 years, but it's ketamine she always goes back to. To somehow self medicate with. She now lives independently, as she has lovely support dog (which limits where she can live). And is on an Art degree course, she has great talent with her art, but when she is in active addiction, obviously, falls very behind. Her tutors are very supportive, but it may mean she has to give up her course, if she falls too far behind to catch up.(There is, therefore, some 'leverage' there? as she values her artistic talent and future prospects, and doesn't want to lose this chance). When her addiction spirals, she is NOT functional, at all, however. Takes to her bed, and is in deep depression. And deep disconnect. And I don't need to say how that feels for me, the worry, the constant fear. She lives 4 hours drive from me. And I go and stay, sometimes for a couple of weeks per month, communication is sporadic though, as she avoids me when she is deep into using again. Then a crisis hits, and I usually respond, by getting myself to her, to avoid the 'very worst' case scenario'. This could be a phone call from emergency services that she has passed out in the street, or just the fact that I 'know' that she's gone so 'off radar' that things are at a dangerous point. I don't consider it 'enabling' though, more like literally saving her from either intentional or unintentional suicide? So yes, it is probably 'rescuing', but I find it very hard to take the complete 'tough love' route. I don't support her financially either, she has funding and some state benefits. She has tried PT jobs too, but never holds them down. Currently however she is doing 'ok'. After another very bad and harmful phase, over the holiday season, she is using 'less', and engaging with university, and walking her dog etc. All good signs. And she self referred to a support service, and let me know too.(which of course I reinforced with encouragement). So I am seeing a positive loop of the cycle, I just know we have been here (many times) before, and want to do my best to prepare for what may (or may not) follow. As you rightly say, 'hope is not a strategy'. Any thoughts on any of this would be much appreciated, and also, do you feel the Invisible Intervention course could work for me? as I don't actually live with her? Plus with the time difference, the 'livestreams' may be an issue for me? Thank you so much for all that you do, and your community. Sorry this was so long, but now you know my story, I won't repeat it again. And thank you even if you don't have time to respond. I have gained so much from listening to your content. Truly grateful. I really do feel you are changing a lot of lives, for the better, with your work.

[@brendalorenz9952]

So sorry I have been through the hospital visits. It was horrifying. 😢

[@keithwilcox7489]

Thank you for your vidoes. Im 59 male, have seen and experienced addictions. Im my opinion and for me cptsd is the root of the issues. 2 x 10 fone councillor CBT phone sessions helped a bit. Narcissistic parents have nearly destroyed my brother and my sisters. NPD /BPD parents have affected all of our generation. For me, they are a huge factor not openly discussed in addiction causes .😢

[@cheryljamieson5803]

I'm binge watching your showed to hello me communicate with my daughter who battles with active iv addiction to fentanyl and meth. She has been homeless for 3 years now. It breaks my heart to drive past her every morning passed out with the rest of the addicts. 💔

[@devpzextra]

Hey Cheryl praying for you and your daughter. What state is she homeless in? I have friends on the streets addicted I've been in recovery for 6 months it's not easy the first 30-60 ,days but gets easier. Hope she comes around soon with winter coming. It's so hard for us women living out on the streets.

[@ThePossumone]

This will work with SOME people but these people can be very very manipulative and narcissistic They can destroy you

[@tictactoedias1908]

Totally agree 😢

[@Stephanie-q2i]

I get the “trying is not good enough” all the time-so do I give up trying-no I’m gonna keep trying till something works

[@adrianerose7896]

Keep it up ❤

[@teresarodriguez821]

Yes they are trying everything, but the stubborn ones get better over a long, long, period of time sometimes after it's too late with liver disease, heart disease, kidney failure and a stroke.

[@jesshakola]

What gets in the way of noticing and staying focused on those seeds for me is a screaming anxiety. You have a calm confidence our family can't hold during provocation. I have never seen anyone recover, so I keep splitting between it being possible/impossible for him to recover. This internal conflict of whether it's possible or not is what drives the rollercoaster for us. Even if we hold on to the long game, stay out of the day to day, the rollercoaster is somehow also about possibility vs impossibility. Hope I'm describing this well enough. For me and my family member, it's an internal battle. I wish us family members had the peace and perspective of really knowing deep down that it's possible through personal experience.. not sure how to get that, though.

[@staceyaiello5215]

Amber, I wish I found you 4 years ago.. I handled this all wrong, it was horrible reactions to horrible actions.. I Divorced my addict,( alcohol, cocaine, food, cigarettes) I let him go to his affair partner who is 13 years younger, I couldn’t be the only one fighting. It was to much, he just kept upping the anti, he married her, Didn’t fight for us, just moved the party to the next. We have a son together, he is very high functioning. Started drinking at 12 and is 45.( looks 55) don’t see a Rock bottom even happening !

[@elainegrosskopf2628]

Can you please give advice how to put up good boundaries to protect small children around the addicted and still work with them ?

[@dudli79]

Thank You Amber for these videos!!!!! My husband saying that almost every day that he wants to quit drinking because he doesn’t want to do this to himself and to me … he is calling friends and telling them that he has to quit drinking!!!! BUT i don’t see any action and I am so angry…. Hard to be cool and don’t say a word after this speech and I found a Vodka bottle next to him ….

[@Kara-p1e]

Thanks Amber. I get so much support from your channel. Living with an addicted person. You help me remember my dignity

[@WYOGAL1890]

I have tried this with my husband, in fact, this week. He was going through all the things he needed to fix. I told him he needed to stop worrying about fixing everything at the same time. Pick one thing he would like to work on and work on it. He agreed and now is on day 5 of his drinking binge. I try to be positive with him and when I do he kicks his drinking into high gear. I am confused.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

What were the 5 things he was trying to work on?

[@WYOGAL1890]

@@PutTheShovelDown drinking, working out, losing weight, doing more work around the house

[@andywarwick3745]

That introduction made me pay attention and showed me that you know what your talking about. Can't wait to watch this later.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! thanks Andy 😁😁😁

[@marycain5668]

I get it. I've had 3 in my life the husband ex was one ,middle son was two, the oldest son is now three and it's exhausting. The poor oldest son should have been first because I would have had a lot more empathy for him then. In-N-Out of rehab 8 times the middle one finally sober. The girlfriend who says she is not his gf has come in taken over everything - completely eliminating any interactions between us. I am exhausted. I surrender.

[@Jasmine-on7rh]

Consider the possibility that it makes it easier for the addict to use to keep you and his girlfriend separated. He can make it seem like it’s you to her, and vice versa…

[@wonderfulpeoplesavingtheearth]

youare saying hope for families because they will learn the strategies. the hope is learning the strategies. it works.

[@Jack-il3qv]

We know that everyone who seeks truth will find it. 'The human heart is desperately wicked.' Isaiah. Happy to be of service.🙂

[@tsilsby888]

I appreciate your videos. They help me to not quit on working on my problems.

[@tsilsby888]

@@perceptionplace. You’re right. I phrased it incorrectly. I meant that they help me to not quit trying. I keep working because of them. Thank you for pointing that out to me, I can certainly see how it sounded rude, so I edited it.

[@perceptionplace.]

@@tsilsby888 im so sorry, my apologies. I deleted my reply 😅

[@tsilsby888]

@@perceptionplace. Please don’t feel bad. I’m so glad you said something! It really did sound rude and I’d hate to hurt Amber’s feelings. Her videos are great. 😊

[@RoyaForever]

23:13 is probably the wisest, most useful information on human relationships I’ve ever heard.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow!!! Thanks 😁😁😁

[@ThePossumone]

I lost my brother to heroin overdose and my nephew I see addictions everywhere - not just substances of course - sex & work & gym & even religion or veganism or the internet ( think I may have this one ) It’s a tough world to live in

[@Kev.B.4311]

Hi Amber, I'm feeling grateful that I've found U here today, as watching this kinda felt like getting a big long hug & a receiving some hope that it's still not too late for change to happen... Have subscribed & looking forward to watching more of your past & future videos... Thank you & best wishes...🙂🙏

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Welcome to our little community, Kev! So glad you're here. I think you'll find lots of helpful resources.

[@perceptionplace.]

Hey I love your videos! I am on the spectrum, late diagnosed and have had problems with drinking, I think it was to help me to numb out my sensory issues. Is that something you would ever touch on?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Julieann! Thanks for your positive feedback. I've never done a video on that specific topic, but I'd say that there's always something positive that the addiction does for you. (although it's slightly different for everyone). The question is.... Does it still work? Is it causing more harm than good? It's okay to acknowledge that the substance does something helpful, but it's important to look realistically at how effective the strategy is. Many times, it stoped working a long time ago but we fail to notice that it's not working for use anymore.

[@perceptionplace.]

@@PutTheShovelDown oh I've definitely noticed it just helps *me* and only in the moment I was drinking, then all hell comes crashing down after. Severe anxiety, feelings of guilt. Worse sensory issues after an hour of having a couple, lol. Drinking and asd, I don't think get along very well. Im sober now! Thank you so much for your reply !

[@PutTheShovelDown]

@@perceptionplace. my pleasure, Julieann. Happy to help❤️

[@maryjeanrisheim3073]

Wow! You are a treasure! These are the hard truths to follow. Oh my the strength it can take though.

[@Amyt31]

What if they are trying to cut back by using other substances? My ex is now microdosing with mushrooms and thinks this will stop him from craving alcohol.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I call that bargaining. People have to try different things to find what will work.

[@Sunshine77746]

This information is very helpful. Thank you, Amber!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@peterbutterworth6936]

The hardest part is deep down they want to change, but, letting go of our ego to get the truth. How do we control our feelings when they do bust again!????😢

[@karilines357]

I need to put my Amber goggles in for sure 😢. Thankyou Amber !! This is hard but doggone I'm doing it

[@MasKistershi]

Everything that you said is correct. But I will say one small but important detail on behalf of the “loved ones”. We are not all looking for proof to show we are right “exactly” and not to wood our egos. We are however doing so to know what “reality” is. Because the truth is we actually don’t want to ever think on this stuff again. It’s not part of our lives except for that it’s part of theirs and we want, or have to (depending on the relationship) have them as part of ours. And we are loving, or we wouldn’t still be around. So we are a bit too easily “had” sometimes. So we would easily just believe them and forget about it. But our spider sensors tingle and we think we may be crazy. So we need to know if we are hover sensitive or if we are correct about what reality is. So it’s understandable and not about ego. For many of us that is. But then, I agree not to use that to confront them but use it to know we do need to then do what you say here. Thankyou for your channel.

[@bernieryan1343]

I love this, guilty of doing exactly that. I appreciate you telling us straight up. That's how we learn and we can help our loved ones. Very good. I love this honesty. Thanks. Great tips.😊😊😊

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Bernie 😁😁😁

[@Stephanie-q2i]

I’ve been off heroin 5 years but can’t stop using crack -been using every single day for past 31 years I know /believe if I could go rehab I could stop but here in the uk they say crack is just psychologically addictive so they won’t except me for that-but they will take you if you are addicted to food sex or gambling showering excessively…….🤯

[@ianasay5127]

My spouse lied/hid AUD for 6 years, heavy in last 2. Extreme lengths hiding. I had asked on multiple occasions nicely are you drunk rn, are you feeling okay you seem off or tired. Always nasty responses and excuses. Finally came out to me and our teen children after getting caught stealing from teens account 2 weeks ago. Now he is doing the aa book, 1 meeting. We see/talk to his family of origin often but always superficial. He refuses to tell them any of this. Teens and I feel icky holding “family secrets”. What to do?

[@GypsyMoon-d2t]

My loved one would make you crazy 100% we have almost died doing all these things and we get screwed

[@sxygrnch1]

Amber my question is. He has got sober so many times for short periods then goes back out and lives homeless and he is okay with that. Then I always let him come back to get sober and try to work things out. But then after he don't like what is going on he just up and leaves. This has literally gone on for 11 yrs. How to I break away from this?

[@HypnotizMindZ]

I'm on my way out the door. However, we are still married and have a 6 year old. If he's in complete denial after his 1st DUI but has a huge history of drinking and chaotic dangerous hurtful and harmful occurrences, what am I to do? He says, "I don't think it's a problem. I'm just having too much fun and don't know when to stop." I didn't say anything. I have no idea what to say to that logic. But myself and our daughter have suffered in the last 2 years since he's been back.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a good question, but it's probably way to big for me to answer in a comment. My short answer would be. If he has a bad family history of dysfunctional behavior, then he's probably thinking his drinking doesn't even compare to other people's drinking problems. Instead of trying to force him to see that his drinking is a problem, it's okay to say something like. I know you're drinking isn't nearly as bad as ___________________. Or knowledge that there are things about drinking that are fun. If you acknowledge their points, they can usually start seeing the other side of the coin, too.

[@HypnotizMindZ]

@@PutTheShovelDown thank you. 🥹

[@RonaldBridge]

My addiction problems come from multiple injuries,I'm 64 and it's all stacked against me now I'm a chronic pain sufferer and can't get enough to stop my pain is that honest enough.

[@angelaripolo2721]

Sending you healing energy!!! ✨🙏🏼

[@gddjwd]

I gave him his friend time and it turned into love infatuation with her. He can go 2 to 3 months without drink then it's time to drink for days.

[@claudiagonz0928]

I think I’ve messed up, my husband had said to me he was going to drink less and instead of praising him I asked him why not fully stop we’ve had several fights since and now I see him drinking more often. How can I go back and undo what I did 😔🤦🏻‍♀️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Just tell him, you've thought about it, and you wished you would have handled it differently.

[@claudiagonz0928]

Thank you Amber, now I just have to be strong and not bring up things I shouldn’t, I hope he keeps trying to drink less and hopefully starts seeing the other side of being sober sooner than later

[@tonymoore5412]

The truth is. About 5-10% of the population has a substance abuse disorder. About 10-13% of people have a cluster B personality disorder. And 60-90% of people with a substance abuse disorder have a personality disorder. Normal people don’t lie and try to make you feel crazy to protect themselves. Normal people don’t live a complete lie. Normal people don’t defend their horrible actions and blame you. Treating the addiction will lessen the disorders. These are public studies you can look up. This is what isn’t treated in recovery.

[@windysmith7367]

Agree

[@WingsofFlight-n5u]

Hi Tony, really interesting. Where are these statistics from?

[@Stephanie-q2i]

I amshowing this video to every one of my user friends

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Please do! 😀😀😀😀💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

[@RoyaForever]

This is one of your best lives ever! I learned so much

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@mortishanocturnal71]

👏totally get what youre saying..hard to stick to it thou at times❤

[@diannetorres8761]

how can you converse with someone whose mind is in total psychosis because of the crap they use.? will you ever get "change talk" from them?

[@TheNmv2728]

I tried not to search for my addict using. But I did. What can I do to get me out of the sadness and disappointment I feel. I don't want to give up on him but feel hopeless.

[@peterbutterworth6936]

Passive aggressive approach 😢 very hard when they break every couple of weeks! The positive is they are trying…😊

[@peterbutterworth6936]

Alcoholics lie….

[@susanschill0524]

We love you too Amber ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Right back at ya, Susan! 😁😁😁

[@anitasweeta758]

I appreciate your efforts, please tell us where you got your title "Master of Addiction.?", What exactly is your professional education, and your personal experience. Thanks PS I'm sure its from your southern accent, but. you talk so fast also, and I miss much of what your are actually saying. What is your belief of 'the disease concept" of addiction?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Good questions Anita, I have a Master's Degree in Mental Health Counseling from Clemson. Licenced Counselor in SC, Licensed Addiction Couselor in SC, Nationally Certified Master Addiction Counselor through NAADAC. Here's a video I did about my thoughts on the Disease Model: kzbin.infoWtjrumkQRyw

[@yawofori3064]

How can I be a guest on your show , am 31 y.o and addicted due to bullying .

[@ayeshafatima1542]

Hi Every time I try to find Even a grain of attempt of recovery I would help but I been cheated uncountable times now I just don’t care he does what ever he does

[@ayeshafatima1542]

How to deal with this

[@HealthTalk180]

Great video

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much!

[@paulgibbons2320]

Addiction is not a problem for the addict. It's a problem for other people. Allot of the time they are just happy with it. Kurt Cobain for example. He could afford his habit and could function in his world. So he did not choose to quit.

[@RobinHoffman-Uzoho]

What if your addict loved one is dating and living with another addict both on Crystal meth

[@CyndySperry]

Put your Amber Goggles On ❤❤❤❤❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

🥸🥸🥸😎

[@StephanieAsh-k3w]

How to handle questioning infidelity?

[@jakstorm3180]

The sad part is everything is a lie she tells everyone a different story, her whole.life is a lie

[@bettytisdale3397]

Is it ever a good idea to vidoe them in their drunkiness?

[@LynnP-hj1zi]

👋yes!

[@angelaleu3578]

🤚

[@Disturbeduser3147]

46:10 It really isn't. I hear addiction compared to other diseases all the time and it just bothers me. There is no guarantee treatment for cancer will work, and patients have to weigh the odds of successful treatment, which sadly can be low, against the pain and sickness surgery and treatment like chemo and radiation cause. They must decide what quality of life would be with/without treatment, how they want to live and how they want it to end. There is no way to compare an addict selfishly refusing help to someone with cancer making gut wrenching decisions about whether to go forward with treatment or not.

[@Totalinternalreflection]

This is just semantics. Addiction isn't a disease, and neither is cancer. Addiction is a mental illness that can cause physical illness and the other is a physical illness that can and does cause mental illness. Addiction isn't just about selfish self indulgence, there's more often than not a mental or neurological component that's driving the need to self sooth and leads to an inability to stop no matter the cost. I've been deep down the rabbit hole of addiction and I was making end of life kind of decisions every day as I fought it. Don't get caught up in people using bad analogies and ways of describing these awful experiences.

[@Disturbeduser3147]

I was not intending to offend or downplay the seriousness of addiction, only to point out that refusing treatment for cancer does not mean that the person with cancer is trying to be stubborn or spiteful to their loved ones by not treating it. There are legitimate reasons to not go forward with a cancer treatment plan. Cancer kills people who desperately want to live. Not so with addiction. Addiction is 100% treatable. @@Totalinternalreflection

[@RobinHoffman-Uzoho]

? 247. What f your loved one addict is dating another addict

[@michellematthews5875]

That a narcissist!!’ Not always just Drug addict…

[@sophymathew1034]

How to manage a non functional addict

[@OutToTheWoods]

😊

[@Stephanie-q2i]

👍🏻

[@priscillamontalvo4559]

How about when there both Parents and there kids are trying to tell them something and they tell them 8:21 to shut up they pay no attention to there kids

[@JoAnnJ-w4p]

👍

[@reneegini1214]

🖐️

[@GypsyMoon-d2t]

I disagree! Maybe it works for some but not all

[@brendajohnson5378]

✋✋

[@Stephanie-q2i]

Get yourself 5 steps Aheyyhd

[@kellylynn6328]

🙋‍♀️

[@janetones6221]

Addiction is a brain disease. Please do not use the term "addict(a)" as it is a derogatory term and demeans the person. Thank you.

[@maryfarnham6708]

👋