The Isolation Trap: How Addiction Prevents Meaningful Relationships

[@purpmtns]

I did everything you said. I hadn’t even seen this video yet. I made him feel safe and heard and understood. All it resulted in was him manipulating and lying to me.

[@joannbrent9609]

This helps me to understand my son. It has baffled me how distant he has become, knowing we are aware of his addiction. Thank you for your help.

[@MoneyMattersMo]

Same here! My partner pulled away a lot. I guess before he thought he was hiding it well and now that he knows I know, he’s staying distant in effort to hide it, or at least parts of it.

[@marzenabobecka8497]

Amber. I'm a mother of a son, 30 who just started himself a few years on a way of addiction. You teach me about addiction the best way I came across so far. Your teachings are science based and " people friendly " based. I love this blend. Thank you for that, Amber ❤️

[@VictoriaRodriguez-by3fs]

So, very TRUE. At the end of the day, I just want my son back!

[@Rebecca-GLaines]

I love this! (And all your videos) Im dealing w a meth addict. He will go silent for days, made himself mad, dt his state of mind. Days later will reach out in an aggravated state, but wants ME to "play detective" to what I supposedly did to be the one who CREATED a problem. I dont argue. Its WHAT he wants. Looking for a REASON to avoid the CHOICES he made that created the problem. Instead, I try to approach carefully and use NO words that can get twisted and STAY ON TOPIC. The more I focus on the what he wrote and ONLY that, the less angry he gets and he will quit reaponding because he knows the games are not working and im not allowing him to be a victim/escusing his behavior. He goes into a psychosis everytime he uses because he's used for so long, so its tricky. An addict doesn't have the emotional capacity we do, so you REALLY have to seperate YOUR emotions while dealing w them. Dont cry- wont work. Dont yell-wont work. Just let your emotions go, if you cant, dont respond or talk until you can because you will be the only one hurt by the conversation/situation.

[@CyndySperry]

LOVING your glasses, Amber❤❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwww thanks!

[@RachelFoster-r1r]

My husband and I are on the verge of divorce. The connection he requires is the friendships or tribe that is other addicted individuals. He shows empathy to them but not his family. We are put on hold to everyone else... I have so much resentment built up from the chaos of everyday. Will he come home, does he remember I exist? I want our marriage to work, but I'm not sure what to do anymore.😢

[@naomeetorres6412]

i relate. My husband keeps disappearing, days, up to 2 months with no contact. Now he is in bad health and has chosen to go back to the streets. i told him i can't continue to open the door to him. He needs to get help. It just hit me how "sad" his life is, due to his choices. My older children are being affected by his disappearing acts. Our 5 month old is too young to know, and i don't intend to let him grow up feeling the way the others do. I pray for him, and give it up to God. By far the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

[@tarareisenauer242]

I've been there and at the time it was heartbreaking. It isn't that those are the connections he requires. Its that while he is in active addiction coming home makes him feel shame and guilt about his addiction (even if you are not being in the bad guy role) and being around other addicts makes him feel like what he is doing is ok. There are moments of clarity in their cycle where they do understand what they are doing and the shame and guilt they feel in those moments is an excuse to use again and their addicted friends support their choice to use so they feel included and accepted but also like amber s other video they have made the decision and want to be surrounded by people who support that decision. On our part it's hard to be supportive and put aside the resentment to engage with them positively when they do come home. Do what's right for you.

[@redhairdontcare19]

Damn that hit me to my core. Know that you're not alone and your feelings are very valid. Thank you for being vulnerable l, knowing others feel the same is one of the few comforts we get❤

[@vanessaramirez9870]

Divorce him alcoholist are selfish and I dont have Any simpaty for them . Feel sorry for the víctims not for then everything abort them its abouy damage and destroy other people life .

[@garryleach-lq2xc]

@@vanessaramirez9870you’re not very good at spelling are you 😮

[@rbmhwils]

Thank you, very helpful

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're welcome!

[@AshleyWentworth-yi6yb]

This makes more sense to me than anything I’ve ever heard about addiction and explains questions I’ve had about someone I love like nothing else has. Thank you 🙏

[@erikafhndez140]

All I can say is thank you for sharing your knowledge.. is much appreciated!!

[@nomadicrecovery1586]

You hit on something on this video. The reason I don’t go and won’t ever go to AA again, they come out with tough love guilt shame, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to start working that and people come at you with all of their instructions and if you don’t understand, or you don’t agree, if you don’t achieve, it’s your problem, you gotta do everything you gotta do, etc. etc. it’s a method of tough love and it does not work for me anyway

[@Skoopyghost]

You probably not in recovery if you care this much what people think of you regardless if it's AA, or not.

[@demaji82]

Amber thank you for your videos they are helping me understand my daughters dads issues. I can’t talk to anyone about any of this so your videos really truly help me

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome! Thank you for your kind words and support!

[@cyndis2031]

I'm proud of my son for his 19 months of sobriety now, but he is still blaming me for his wife leaving him. It was his alcohol and drug use that destroyed his marriage, but he just won't accept that. It makes me feel horrible that he still blames me because I encouraged his wife to seek out al-anon :(

[@BCK869]

Thanks Amber! This was very enlightening. I now understand much better, the priorities he is setting and how he finds it difficult to have a meaningful relationship.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Glad it was helpful! 😀

[@maryannekendall3344]

This is so helpful.

[@NeeksRus]

One of your best videos yet. Thank you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thank you!

[@TeaRose9]

Love this message and perspective. I completely agree. Thank you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwwww thanks TeaRose!

[@TeaRose9]

@@PutTheShovelDown you’re so welcome!! I’m so grateful for you as I navigate how to help my two addicted adult children.

[@ahmedmedhat9273]

I am from Egypt big fan of your Chanel...I am sober from 10 years my wife active addicte on heroin for 2 years now I forced her for rehab been a month she is still in rehab house last comment for 20 days she left home and asked for devours then I had to force her rehab...do you think we can go along as we has kids between us.

[@robins3672]

Missed the live, but great explanation.

[@Quartzone6145]

Hey Amber I watch all your videos and this one is very helpful to me as my husband is an addict and I know like with the comedown how it affects them like he's grumpy to say the least but this had helped me to understand what it actually does to the body.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so glad this was helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me your kind feedback!

[@oodleyboo]

Thank you for this fantastic video. Lit up so many realisations for me ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@momanddaughtervids4257]

This is a really good discussion regarding the emotional distance. I wish you would make a similar video but much shorter. I'd love to play this in my addiction support group but it's just too long. Thanks for your hard work.

[@MoneyMattersMo]

Timestamps 0:01 Main Discussion 18:23 Q&A

[@BobShay-jf4vf]

Excellent Amber 👌 👌 ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Bob!

[@BobShay-jf4vf]

​@@PutTheShovelDown....you bring into the light what everyone is afraid to hear...good job! ❤😊

[@angelaripolo2721]

Thank you for all that you do!! I’ve been going back and forth trying to support my partner but I just can’t do it any longer. Do you have any recommendations so I can start focusing on my own recovery? Books, videos or programs? I need to get out of this situation as my mental health has taken a huge toll. Thank you in advance!

[@reneejohnson8024]

amazing. 🎉

[@federicasveva1096]

Thank yiu

[@Equitable_Street_Access_SF]

I recently confronted my boyfriend because I found out that he had been flirting with other women online for the past year and I had no idea. Anyway, we had been together for 3 and 1/2 years, and since confronting him, he initially tried to make things right, but how could he really? So I kept bringing it up, and then he decided to break up with me - this happened just last week. But I know that he also has a drinking problem and has for the past few years. And now he's trying to find other women online. It really hurts. It's like he's moved on so fast and I can't believe it. It's like he's a totally different person than I ever thought he was. I thought everything was fine in our relationship. I'm wondering if this could somehow be drinking related? He still has a job and a roof over his head and money for food, clothes, etc. I should note that as he was breaking up with me he mentioned something about that truly he's only really married to his alcohol. But I don't know if he was just trying to make me feel better. But for sure it seems like he has had a drinking problem for the past few years.

[@nicoleevaherbst7306]

Move on, girl. I've been there with my ex boyfriend whom I was with for 2 years, living together and everything. You can love him with all your heart and want a future with this man but it don't make a damn bit of difference if he is an addict or alcoholic. If he isn't invested in getting better and you decide to stick around, you'll be setting yourself up for more heartache and disappointment. Thats just the way it goes

[@sunflowerzelda45]

nope my son does not seem to have a bottom! At least from my perspective. I suffer from anxiety, depression, and insomnia. Trying to take care of me. I just do not have the energy to let him parole here in my home. He is not gonna like this change of heart. Cause I did already tell him ok. But dang he caught off guard. So anyway at the age 66, I suppose it is time way, really past the time I think about my health. And let go of all this guilt. I could write a book on the subject. Not just my son, but my ex-husband, boyfriends, all had addictions. So yes, I have had a problem. My very own Groundhog Day if you remember that movie. Now I do not date. That cleared that problem up. I just can't seem to feel attracted to anyone unless I feel the need to help them. What causes that?

[@cyndis2031]

@@sunflowerzelda45 wow! I could have written most of your post, word for word two years ago. When my son finally took it seriously, my depression anxiety and insomnia lifted ( for the most part). We still don’t have a great relationship, but a good one at best. I figure I can take that as long as he is sober and alive! It has taken me a lot of self - care to recover myself. Amber and the crew saved me and my son. I couldn’t have done it without the guidance and support! Hang in there, focus on you, and your peace will come .

[@conniegaby6275]

My son is in jail. I cannot communicate due to his anger. Etc…..He needs someone that can figure/ help him. I’d it possible to hire you to talk etc…. Jail since Nov 23 now.

[@Sadie0123]

What about when the bad situation is caused by the alcohol use but he uses it as a reason to continue using 😩 and takes no responsibility for the previous bad behavior. 🤔

[@DebbyeJohnson]

My husband just relapsed last week after a five year clean streak and fled, then attempted to take multiple payloads in my name and then this morning he contacted me vaguely apologized for embarrassing me and then says we should file for a divorce I believe I was a good wife, my emotions are all over the place I have no closure or clue to what happened wrong

[@synnvemartinsen5171]

I dont understand why they Get so rude 🥺Its terrible .

[@elizabethroesler5092]

Hi Amber - is it normal to still be in survival mode after 5 months off alcohol and 9 months off drugs? This is a 52 year old who has a dependency on drugs and alcohol since he was 19

[@timrosin4848]

Hey Amber, how do you handle a spouse who says that they’re doing great since and they don’t feel the need to drink since they don’t have to deal with you or their family? My wife keeps telling me I’m the reason she drank and then fled our marriage .

[@nicoleevaherbst7306]

A lot of addicts and alcoholics will use this line... until they begin using/drinking again and you're no longer in the picture. Don't fall for it.

[@LynnetteDoyle-g6x]

If my loved one has been diagnosed with beginning signs of wernickis and his verbal aggression is hard to understand. He does not feel that he has a problem. Where do we turn?

[@brendajohnson5378]

So are the drinking buddies helping to meet the love/belonging needs of the alcoholic? Or is being with them just a symptom of the addiction problems?

[@nicoleevaherbst7306]

Symptom of the addiction. They usually lose interest in those people if and when they get sober.

[@ldnbxlnyc44beaufort49]

My BF is in recovery since I last broke up in February (after many many broken promises and him being in therapy and alcohol specialist doctor) We missed each other (I work and live in London UK he works in Belgium) We re connected but I feel the bad gui as I am starring at him on video calls to see how he is. I must say since March I only caught him twice looking suspicious of relapses. BUT I don't know If I should speak about it I get cold and pushed away by endless relapses This time looked like the right one (hypnosis and therapy) he stopped, too expensive (does not like AA) He wants a new start and wants to come to visit me 13 days in June but I am scared of talking about the last bad calls we had over the phone and be the bad gui again !!! Don t want him to think he can get away with it I don t know what to do but I am not looking forward to have him visiting in June as his addiction does'nt seem totally over. Now he talks about moving forward and moving in with me etc I can't be happy about it if I am still unsure the addiction is 100% over What should I say ? Do? I am lost and so discouraged and tired

[@maryirick3579]

❤

[@jamestrowbridge29]

So how the fuck do I get out?

[@michelleradford5956]

👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾

[@kristenmarie9248]

11:40

[@Lisaski66]

💛💚💙