Why People Choose Their Addiction Over Their Family -The Brutally Honest Truth

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Watch This Next: The Science Of Addiction 👉🏻👉🏻kzbin.info/www/bejne/emG6ppajj9impbc

[@glitterdurian12]

Do you have videos on late stage addiction? Most videos I see are on high functioning people but that is not my situation with my loved one. Thanks!

[@marcellusrobinson1465]

Addiction is when you give up everything for one thing. Recovery is when you give up one thing for everything.

[@helenf.7221]

Love this. Really puts it into perspective

[@JoanneMomsen]

😇 Very well said!

[@chebbi5674]

Exactly 💯 procent right .

[@JaekeilaLong]

Lmao "one hundred procent right" Lord help the English language 😂🤦🏿‍♀️

[@angelaraycroft233]

❤

[@beckyallen9742]

I was with a beautiful soul 12 years w/ 12 rehabs, an additional 5 planned detoxes and many hospital intakes due to seizures and unplanned detoxes. I am an expert in this area - living every phase with this addict. We loved each other and probably still do. From day one until the final days together last month…he got in fist fight with his roommate, got fired for drinking on the job and crashed his truck the same day he got fired (after drinking at the bar…). We went from madly in love to the most miserable relationship - with me being unable to even talk to him as his behavior became belligerent and verbally abusive. He is now with a new woman who’s a 23 year old woman (he’s 54) he met online and I’m ok with it. I finally let go. I can’t control him…I can only control myself. I am on an upward trajectory in my life and I pray for him every day. I love his soul. He’s not that person anymore. Thank you for sharing this important information. Very helpful.

[@BrushworkNL]

This should be a cautionary tale for all young ppl reading your comment

[@katmother]

I hate the fact that we need to struggle with the addiction of our children. I have dealt with it with a spouse as well. An adult child is worse in every way.

[@victorial8764]

Oh gosh. I hope the kids don’t start. I pray everyday.

[@coletteleahy265]

I think its so difficult when its your child, you can see them making very bad decisions, and you can't do a thing about it .. 😢😢😢

[@joycereinhardt521]

That's the worse part . This program now was better for me. It's been so hard 52 yrs old lost connection with younger children. Oldest son now grown recognizes some of it hard on him to . And grandma so afraid something will happen. I don't want to lose another son as 2 died from cancer. This one can't see what he's done the past 20 yrs. Very good worker smart but now let maybe the 3 women in his life. Blames them . An jealousy has been through out the men and the booze intensifies it. But the women drink to. So I said if they want spouse to stop you can't sit and tell the other one not to. Am I wrong. Oder kids all drink but no the same but daily I'm at wits end but this is really helping. Thanks. Long story short????

[@gailjune5467]

18 years I have been dealing with my adult child's addiction. I am tired, my soul is gone. I've done everything to try to help him. I am financially, emotionally drained. I am sick.

[@leah7846]

I feel your pain

[@catcat5280]

This woman knows her stuff...She is a great therapist! And yes...the way the addict see life is way different then us on the other side of it...me? I'm so tired of it I've stepped way back and decided to mind my own business...and hope one day...they get it figured out.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, Thanks CatCat! 😀

[@BlueSkies66]

They actually BLAME their family for their drug abuse. Zero accountability for their choices. No, addiction is not a choice but using is a choice…as is recovery!

[@Hassanthehorse]

As someone who currently struggles with addiction, I just want you to know that if you have a family member who's an addict and blames you/the family/the past for it, it's likely due to them trying to hide from their own abyss of shame and evade taking responsibility for their own life. If this is currently happening to you, I'm sorry you're having to deal with it; it is horribly unfair, painful and untrue. Like you said, being addicted isn't a choice, but how you deal with being an addict is, to a large degree, within your control. Just know that you do not have any obligation to stick around and support someone who despises, hurts, or takes advantage of you, even if said person is suffering.

[@uhok9923]

@@Hassanthehorseexactly my situation with my aunt right now. we have her every last chance but she decided to leave us and blame her addiction on my mom (who has been housing her, feeding her, even after my aunt got us EVICTED from our supported housing apartment) she left us for the street even after i took care of her throughout her detox in every way i could. drove her to her methadone appointments, i made all of her meals and spent my own money on medicine and a plethora of yoghurt and orange juice 😂😅

[@Ikaros23]

@@uhok9923it’s not just addiction, many also have narcissistic personality dissorder+ addiction. They never change, and are toxic also after they quit the drug/alcohol

[@melissagreenwood1717]

Except that family, how you're raised and how you're treated, are components in addiction. And family who refuses to acknowledge that is also part of the problem and not taking personal responsibility.

[@flawlessstrategy9972]

My brother chose addiction over everything. Even his daughter. But it's not a problem for him because it's everyone else's fault... He didn't do a single thing wrong, everyone else became his enemy and did him wrong and became flaky. And he's planning on "destroying his enemies" as soon as he gets out of homelessness...

[@jerimow8400]

I hear you…

[@ZFern9390]

😢

[@thedailyfire]

This channel is so helpful. Thank you JESUS for leading me here! I appreciate what you do sister, you’re a blessing!

[@anetnel-fk7vu]

I'm a rehabilitated alcoholic, everything you said is spot on. My ex is an alcolic and porn addict, my brother is an alcoholic. I see this in them, and I remember what I was like.

[@anthonyrossmaund3161]

Great show today! I think this is a very important topic because we often take it personally when our loved ones choose an awful addiction over us! I have been on both sides of this coin and it doesn't feel good on either! I remember the days of my own addiction and I chose drugs over them. I also remember watching in the window, waiting for my father when I was a kid and he didn't show up because he chose his addiction over me. I remember crying by the window to this day and still the pain can become overwhelming! I wish I would have remembered that when I was doing that to my own family! It is truly heart breaking! I have been sober for a couple years and try to reach back for anyone who wants recovery over that life! Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You've got twice the wisdom, Anthony!

[@oodleyboo]

Good job getting a hold of the addiction. You have done a great thing. Keep going and never go back

[@christiebailey9941]

Truly you are a miracle. As someone who has been surrounded by addiction I've felt so hopeless that any of them see what is really going on and change their lives. I watched so many go down.

[@patriciacubbage658]

You hav helped me soo much in helping understand my sons addiction. Thank you Amber

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

Do they let their loved ones down because the craving is so bad they can’t fight it I’m trying to understand .

[@jojo22312]

my brother has been in AA for 35 years. has not drank. BUT, hes abusing adderall & has spent everything gambling at the casino. Its heartbreaking, ive been dragged into his crazy life, bailing him out of jams, taking verbal abuse offering meetings/rehabs, etc. i am done! i pray i really am DONE, as it is making me mentally & physically & spiritually ill. BTW, i am clean an sober 29 years.

[@oodleyboo]

This comment comes from me as a recovering alcoholic and now watching my son in active addiction. You nailed it in 20 minutes. Powerful and accurate in my opinion. Thank you for your channel and effort you make to help people

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome. Thank you for your kind words and support 💜

[@brightpage1020]

“Their reality is different from your reality.” ❤🎉

[@christinecortes6342]

✋🏻 let me just say wow ! You just described the start of my marriage ! Amazing, I would have never guessed I would be here in my life ever . Never dealt with anyone that had an addiction . Not even drank or smoked . But found myself in a situation I would have never chosen if I knew how much it would of destroyed who I was and how far I had gotten in life on my own . What took my down , not being a single mom of 3 boys, working full time and going to school but an alcoholic that I had fallen in love with ! Just wow !

[@victorial8764]

I’m so sorry. This definitely makes me want to give up now. I was supposed to get married. It’s awful. In 4 years my soul has crumbled. But that’s our responsibility. We have to go do all this work all depressed ourselves and heal. I’m so tired. Financially drained. I don’t even know where to start. I hope you find peace, joy, and comfort some day soon. ❤

[@TonyaDryer]

Thank you so much Amber for being so open and telling your stories…I was crying my eyes out…and then I searched for someone out there who knows. You have a comforting way about you. Now I don’t feel so alone. I’m grateful to you.

[@821Farm]

I listen to you for hours. My mother is addicted to online romance relationships. She’s deeply troubled and being catfished. Your talks on addiction have helped

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Not sure if you've seen this one, 821. But I thought it might help 👉🏻kzbin.info/www/bejne/qXqvq39pbb2fr8k

[@ZFern9390]

A friend just recently told me about her friend that has been cat fished THREE TIMES! Has lost thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars! What the heck is wrong with that woman???

[@marjol3in]

​@@ZFern9390the answer: addiction. That is wrong with her.

[@beatingheartsphotographyll67]

This is exactly what I am living, down to every little piece including "He comes in and falls asleep, or can't even be present, or picks a fight..."

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So sorry you're going through this 💔

[@anastasiiadiedkova6927]

Unfortunately, this is my reality nowadays.

[@Unhealthynonsense]

Sounds like you put this false persona on your son and he resents you for it this is how kids show it, funny how life works

[@yvonnejacobs8956]

😁... Once my loved one sobered up, I saw how crazy my live had become. Now my child is deep into addiction and the pain and heartache is even more intense.

[@justanothername9055]

I'm in this right now with my spouse. Your videos are making me feel sane again. Thank you💜

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome

[@victorial8764]

We NEED to feel sane again! Ugh❤

[@justanothername9055]

@victorial8764 there's hope. I posted this comment 8 months ago...shortly after he got sober. It saved our marriage and things are good. We've been working on being better towards one another and making each other's live easier where we can. I have him back. Don't lose hope.💜

[@mikeinmelbourne9491]

Thankyou for this - it helps me understand what happened to my former partner. Their addiction destroyed our family, other relationships and an entire friendship group. But to them it was just "fun".

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Mike. I'm glad this was helpful. Thanks for watching!

[@GinaSharpe-CDHS-CTY]

I appreciated this show. My son has done exactly what you have described. He wasn't an addict he is 39 yrs old 3 children started on pain pills and always told me "Mom I got this it's fine". My son is now a fully addicted to fentynol. He has lost his family, home, vehicles, business. He had it all! It breaks my heart to watch him destroy his life and in the process has taken so much from me....I've had to seek mental help for myself because this has affected me in way I never thought this would. I still have relationships with my grand children. I will try the craft method because right now all I do is Argue and get so frustrated with him. I don't know how to communicate with him anymore. I'll stop now but this has helped me to see his thinking. Thanks

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome. Glad this was helpful!

[@janicenichols2410]

Amber, can an addict also be addicted to needing love from a current partner. My son wants me to sacrifice financially also to help him keep this relationship. My son's partner is in prison and wants me to sacrifice financially to support her incarceration expenses or he will kill himself. I have already sacrificed financially due to his meth addiction. Ended up being homeless because of his meth addiction and his love addiction to this woman.

[@charleneh8765]

I’m so sorry this is happening to your son. It’s like the devil just takes over. My son is 31 and started down this road last year..lost his job a car, his dogs were rescued. In jail 3 times and “friends” keep bailing him out when we saw it as a good things with forced detox. Having family is a whole different level of grief. 🙏🏼

[@lorimcdevitt1506]

You gave more insight into addiction than my old therapist did. She was more focused on directing me to a book about codependency. I admit I needed it, but felt she didn’t give me this type of information instead of telling me that I needed to stop trying to control him. My issue was I had a problem with my husband randomly going on drinking, gambling and drug sprees every 3 months. I just needed clarification that I wasn’t the issue, its him. Now Im moving forward with taking care of myself and moving on with my life. Its his issue, not mine (therapist told me this). He wont take ownership.

[@susanwright3012]

Completely relate when my spouse chooses to stay home to pull days long drinking spell when he could have decided to travel with me to visit family and friends. However during my trip he feels lonely and wants to be a part of trip. So much so he has called (40+) times in 8 hrs. I've tried to silence phone but he then contacts who I'm visiting to get me on the phone - even in wee hours of the night. It took a lot of pushing myself to make a trip wo him. I desperately need separation to rest and escape the crazy at home.

[@Flash3-22]

Years ago my husband told me "dont get between me and my pot". So for years I always felt that he chose it over me. Hard to let go of this feeling I didnt matter.

[@amandasimpier236]

I really appreciate how nonjudgmental you are towards the addict. That makes me WANT to listen and you understand exactly what we're going thru. I want to get clean so bad but now my son has passed away, my mom too. I am not wanting to face all the pain from everthing. But i want help. I desperately need help. And the grief i am under is unreal! But i have no one now. I am totally alone.

[@charleneh8765]

I’m praying for you to seek the healing you need. Life this side of heaven is hard and painful…but when you surround yourself with people who love, care and encouragement you will see a life that is full of hope and joy. ❤

[@nancystinger7393]

This is so true. My sons addiction started many years ago after his father traumatically passed away. He never wanted to seek grief counseling . What started out to numb his pain with pills had now progressed to fentanyl addiction . I feel I have learned to be very strategic and keep communication open. He has expressed he’s not ready for treatment that the detox scares him and other times has even said he enjoys it. It’s so frightening and I see I completely different picture of it all . He does not live at home but I do visit him and check in with him. It’s become his lifestyle and I have to be so careful how I interact with him ( he’s not violent but gets stressed easily ) to keep our communication open . I am his only family member now and it’s so very frightening and deeply sad and I so wish I could find that key that would encourage him to seek help for a good life that he deserves .

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hang in there Nancy! You're doing the right things 💜

[@nancystinger7393]

@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for the encouragement . I only know I do what feels right and so much of the time I don’t know if it is “right”. I do know everything you share in your videos makes so much sense to me and much of the ways I relate it with my son. It is so affirming for me and helps me to not feel so isolated in this frightening time. I will never give up on my son Chris. I appreciate you Amber

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Be there for him, that's all you can do. He has to find his own key. Some never do, I did though, after almost losing everything.

[@nancystinger7393]

@@cynthiafortier2540 Thank you I am glad you did I’m finding my way but it’s baby steps

[@jerimow8400]

@@nancystinger7393 hey Nancy, I just read your comment and wanted to take a minute to tell you that I really hear your strength and your pain. I have the same thing going on with my amazing son (alcohol) and right now I’m living in the space between enabling and allowing natural consequences to happen. I am a follower of Christ, so that is where I try to stay. Anyway, your mommy heart is beating loudly and clearly over here in Central Florida! I wish all the best to you and to your beloved son, Chris.

[@menjiii01]

I have a lot of "survivors guilt" or at least I'm assuming that's what it is. My sister is an end stage alcoholic. Shes dying and has actually had a cardiac arrest before and survived it only to leave the hospital and 10 days later end up back there after being found in her own urine out of her mind. She's still denying she has an issue despite being told she's dying because of her liver. Everytime I feel happy in my life i feel guilty for being happy while she is like that. I don't understand her or the disease I just feel very sad for the regrettable situation. Im sorry for everyone in the same position. I pray for mercy for these addicted people and a second or even third chance for them all.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

I have just lost my sister to this and I used to feel the same as you it’s horrible as we are helpless to stop them.

[@victorial8764]

Amen to that. ❤

[@tamth417]

I just lost my brother to addiction. He drank himself to death. I feel guilty because I didn’t take more time to help him. I wish I had found these videos on how to deal with an addict 😢 He died alone but he isolated for years. The last time I seen him was a few days after thanksgiving, when I took him over food. I regret not taking more time. It’s just so terribly painful to think about. I owe it to my family to press through this pain. It’s just so raw as it’s not even been 2 weeks since he passed. Still picking up the pieces. 😭

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

@@tamth417 my sister passed four months ago like your brother and I feel guilty for not saving her but she shut herself away when she drank I feel bad that I did not see her in hospital when she was detoxing I saw her like that years ago though and visited her in rehab then helped her move into her flat in the end she just stayed in her flat and passed away after refusing our visits my sister was embarrassed but I just wanted to hug her I could not get though to her on the phone as she was drunk I miss her really bad and her loss has broke me.

[@adrianerose7896]

​@@jacquelinehunt7794 this is where this channel becomes problematic, because it can make you feel like you could have controlled this disease as a relative. You couldn't. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss 🫂❤️‍🩹

[@AMYDEBITY]

I’ve been navigating the challenges of addiction as a codependent family member for the past 25 years, and I can wholeheartedly relate to everything you’re saying. Your videos have been transformative for me. Focusing on my own growth, using the guidance you share, has made a profound difference in my loved one’s journey with addiction, brought peace to my life, and improved our relationship in ways I hadn’t thought possible. After so many years of trial and error, I’m beyond grateful to have found your channel. Truly, you are a blessing sent from God himself. Thank you for what you do and more importantly how you do it.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much, Amy! You're kind words have made my day!!! 💖💖😀

[@kiana6345]

I just found your channel and let me say…. THANK YOU. I’ve learned SO much in just an hour. This is all so helpful and makes me feel less alone as someone who has an addicted family member

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Welcome to our little community Kiana! So glad you’re here 😀

[@laurasibley6293]

Best description of addiction I've ever heard. Thanks Amber.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thank you, Laura !! 😁😁😁

[@ladytracy46]

This really helped me understand drug and alcohol addiction more clearly im dealing with this now with my baby brother and i couldn't understand why he was doing this to his family and dont care who it hurt he and his wife has this addiction their kids got taking away he stole from the family ect. Smh its so sad to see this 😢

[@steve-ww6ut]

So, hitting rock bottom is when the sheet goes away, leaving the person naked and exposed.

[@RachelFoster-r1r]

Thank you for helping everyone to understand how the user is feeling. Ive been going through this with my husband for several yrs. The addiction has gotten worse, to use more to find the initial first high. He sees that its getting that way, says he wants to quit. But the next day he is back at it again...His friends, exactly what you say- nothing's wrong man, you're good, smoke up. Giving him the ok because they're doing the same. So I look like a nagging wife. It becomes not only the addiction but the so called friends as well.

[@jackypengelly1613]

I have found your channel and feel relieved to learn so much in such a short time. You are my saviour. I now feel I am going to be able to work through this and help my son recover without enabling him. I can't thank you enough.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Jacky, Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here 💖

[@miketucker2817]

Thank you so much Amber! Family Recovery Academy and CRAFT got my wife into therapy for her addiction. She's still drinking but it's a process.

[@jodypixley6683]

I've watched this with many and it's exactly what you say and in that order ,it's watching someone you know very very well day by day ,week by week, month by month to year by year ,the greiving from them and us are beyond what any one could imagine that could go on that long , The mental illness is so ugly to watch as it takes them and then they are so overwhelmed by getting a little sense back and a glimps of what they've done they RUN in anyway they can , to them nothing can be fixed ,shame ,guilt, defense,ect. ! And no matter where any started it all ends the same But there is hope ,wish the best for all involved , Reality is hard in many situations ❤️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

"no matter where any started it all ends the same" _ Love This. so true 💯

[@karenc9079]

My father was an alcoholic and realised what it was doing to him.When he died last year he had been sober 34 years. He never had a relapse. My husband of 19 years is a functional alcoholic and has been unable to see the effects alcohol has on himself and others.We seperated last year and as time goes on I don't think he will ever get to that understanding. I have two kinds of grief I live with.

[@jodypixley6683]

@@karenc9079 ❤️

[@AndrewHooper-p3v]

Another great analogy I saw once was a father who had two kids that just sucked them dry and kept coming back for more and more …. He was beside himself …. The Councelor asked a couple of us to act as his kids and asked him to grab one of our wrists … then we started to pull away … and the harder we pulled the more he squeezed our wrists and tried to muscle us back… this went on for a while till he was so exhausted he just let go….. the instant relief was his ahhhaa moment when he realized all he had to do to stop it was to just let them go and stop helping them…. But he couldn’t see it till that moment

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Great analogy!

[@jkym4574]

I agree that they make a choice and they choose to drink until they are drunk.

[@kelleygregory8162]

Praise God, thank you for teaching us all.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you for your kind words of support, Kelley!

[@sb4759]

Life giving informatioin. If only my family had had this in the day. I am talking to a gal married to a recovering alcholic. I have passed on your website info and I pray that she will watch it and find the help that will strengthen her in her home. Thank you, more than you know for being here and giving up this help. Invaluable!

[@jowosocal]

Amber, I’ve said this before and I’ve told many people. You are the only one I’ve heard over many many years who is always spot on.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! Thank you 😀

[@NicoleHandel-o2z]

My beautiful partner left yesterday. Thanks this was helpful.

[@frecklesandme]

Family member's drinking almost destroyed our lives, called the police ages ago to put a stop to it and now they are on a behaviour change program. They are alot better now.Family support is helping us as well

[@chulb]

brilliant! im learning so much. my husband and I are going to let my brother come live with us who has been battling alcohol for 40 years. He states he’s hit rock bottom and he wants to stop, but he has no tools emotionally to do so so we’re gonna get him in a rehab, but she’s agreed to, so I’m learning how to deal with character deficits that will no doubt present themselves so that I can be of help and not harm. I believe God will help us.

[@susannetaft3303]

I think this is good information for most addictions with the exception of sex/porn/emotional affair addiction. The spouse or betrayed partner's attachment system changes in such a dynamic. The betrayed spouse will develop a disorganized attachment system where one moment the addicted spouse will be the demon and cause of the high alert and fear of being rejected and abandoned and one moment the betrayed spouse is latching onto the addicted spouse and needs copious affection and reassurance. This kind of addiction creates deep betrayal trauma and creates a disorganized attachment system even in people who had a healthy system previously. I would enjoy your thoughts. Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I completely agree 💯💯💯

[@RIDDYxMUSICH]

“Trauma Bonding”

[@mojeprice9654]

It would be great if you could talk about this more. I have a betrayal trauma related to my hhsbands addiction (its a long story how his addiction was actually betrayal for me). Everyone is treating me like I am codependent (i showed a 100 ways I am not) and like my problem is his addiction when I am deep in betrayal trauma, going crazy very literally.

[@sarahgaffey8277]

​@@mojeprice9654I think there is a programme for partners of sex/love addicts, it may be called s-anon. You should be able to find info online.

[@NikkiSoFar]

You’re really helping us out in the wide internet world 😊 👍🏾

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awww thanks, NikkiSoFAr!

[@glynispalazuelos7216]

My daughter is in stage 4. She has recently isolated herself from me. I feel so bad for her. I wish there was something I could do to help, but feel all I can do at this point is wait patiently.

[@CU76Tiger]

My son is 34 years old and still lives at our home. He got started with weed back in his senior year in High School and has progressed thru multiple drugs, adderal, alcohol etc. He has been in jail for a year, wrecked cars, lost his driver's license, and basically made our life for the last 15 years miserable. We had him involuntarily committed. The judge had him committed to 6 months at a local halfway house. He did well for 3 months and then ended up going downhill until he got out and was about as bad as when he started and we were out $10k. He sleeps constantly. He can't get a decent job because of his horrible background record or keep a job because he isn't responsible and misses days. He has had two near-death accidents. He has minimal social interaction and will call his mom to drive 30 minutes to pick him up at 1:00 in the morning. His mom is convinced he can't survive out of our care and house. My greatest fear is that he continues his current bad habits and we can't get him out of our house. Babysitting him is not what I had planned after I finally retire soon. Help??

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I can certainly understand your wife's concern that he won't survive outside of the house. But it's important to remember that he isn't living now. 😥

[@thecraftymugger]

I'm over 3 years sober and your so right ✅️ it took at least 6 months before the brain fog started lifting! It took over a year to actually start feeling normal again. My husband still drinks and it's so painful to see him in denial and fighting it! I just may have to walk away from my marriage even though I don't want to.😢 This disease really sucks!😢 Thank you for everything your doing to get this education out there because normies don't get it and I hope they never do the way the alcoholic dose! Like me. ❤odaat

[@solic8048]

I was forced to go to a shelter with my child. He still thinks it's my fault....

[@ritannaji492]

My husband left for 3 weeks now . He left home because I asked him to do a drug test because of his behaviour. He blocked me. What can I do to help him. I love him. I feel so sorry for him. After watching all your videos. Someone should please comment on this.

[@LeeshaCuh314]

I literally almost changed the video because of the title.. then I watched for a few mins and man I’m only 24 mins in and SPOT ON.. ISTG! Thank you.. Everything you said was not a lie well within this 24 mins you even said ppl aren’t gonna like the title and that wasn’t a lie.. Damnnn girl damnnn all I can say. Smh 😢

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Leesha! 😁😁😁

[@judeforonda3114]

Thanks Amber for this video. This made me understand my son’s addiction better. It’s just sad but it is what it is. All l can do is pray for him. 🛐

[@nikkismith1809]

Been there done that and now I’m dealing with it as a wife. Because I’ve already been in recovery it’s hard for me not to see addiction for exactly what it is… your videos help me tremendously!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So true Nikki. You can't unknow what you know.

[@carolinemcindoer477]

11:58 I have only recently stumbled across your page and omg I wish I had found you 2021. Anyway I'm sober/clean now and have been for 99% of the last 3 years. Me and my husband took drugs and partied together in the past but I've had a real reality check. I'm trying to enable my husband to join me and although avoiding the people and places linked to the drugs we loved is the only way ive coped. It's been a terrible 3 years but he's now listening to you on his way to work.... I'm feeling like he's maybe finally seeing that I'm not a complete control freak 😅🎉 Hope in my heart once more and I thought it was gone for good.

[@dianamac2878]

love Amber!!! Amber that blouse and colour is beautiful on you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Oh thank you!

[@tinkershell1856]

Amber, you are a ROCKSTAR!!! The black sheet demonstration sounds fantastic! ❤

[@MsBlueDahlia]

Fabulous video. Thank you❤ it such a cunning disease and your video’s help to clarify some common statements in Al-anon. Recovery works when everyone is working on self is what I am learning from you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😁😁😁💯

[@DeniseJones-l3h]

I need advice. My husband is 22 days sober. He doesn’t want to go to AA meetings anymore. He wants to do it on his own. I am proud of him but scared. I feel that there is a wedge between us. I did tell him if my life is with the abusive and drinking I am out. The drinking has destroyed our family and has us in a fragile state

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Soberlink might be a good optoin. Here's a video titled How to get sober on your own. It talks about Soberlink. kzbin.info/www/bejne/i3TVf3-pat-VjqM

[@ZFern9390]

My recent ex husband died the same thing, that he can do it on his own now he's drinking again after 5 yrs sober and same s$@# different day and he left me so he can drink in silence.

[@marjol3in]

He could do smart meetings. They are very different than AA.

[@jenwinters1342]

This explains exactly what I went through with my daughter. Sadly, she took her own life on July 10, 2022.

[@paulamaddock4691]

😢❤

[@monaperry2635]

😢❤🙏

[@veronicadiaz1513]

I'm soo sorry

[@carolynwrightBTO]

I'm about to get divorced, with a two year old, due to gaming addiction. I can't and won't compete with a video game. I play myself but within reason. COD you Win! Take Him!!

[@ZFern9390]

I recently called it quits w my husband of 20 yrs because of his drinking and Facebook addiction. He spends countless hours on it wasting time and not being a parent to our son and a husband to me . He ignored household responsibilities all together. I was stupid to put up with it that long. Run girl! Good for you!

[@glowieokenney7915]

Same situation as me

[@tonyahunt1126]

This video gave me some of the "peace that surpasses understanding" that I have not been able to feel since I found out the truth. My boyfriend that I had hoped to marry one day chose a meth addiction over me. I never saw it coming as everything seemed great until it wasn't. He is a man that unashamedly expresses his love for God in his daily life so I would never in a million years thought I'd be here right now. I guess he couldn't hide it any longer and left to isolate in active addiction. For 2 months I questioned what was wrong with me though he kept telling me none of it was my fault. I wake up in the middle of the night and every morning in a sheer panic realizing this hell is real and not a bad dream. I know in my heart he will be dead within the year if he doesn't stop because he has only 15% heart function due to previous use years ago that I knew nothing about. If he doesn't kill himself it will be someone else as he is a truck driver. The isolation of the job itself is going to be what probably decides his fate. He has pushed me away and in the few communications we have had he has been honest but emotionless. Not the man that just months ago thought the world of me. It is beyond devastating. I don't know how anyone makes it to the other side of this but I'm praying for the best.

[@tammylombra]

I am goingnthrough the same. But I have been married 24 years and he abandoned me. In my heart of hearts I know it was the best thing that he could do so I don't have to watch his destruction. But this is the most heartbreaking thing I have had ever had to live through. Hugs and peace going out to you

[@tammylombra]

This is absolutely devastated me find my heart is broken for him I am being placed blame for his running away. For nit standing for this in our home. I have a 23 yo son who is disgusted and hurt by this as well.

[@katyhabib2200]

I never understood the feelings of the addict. Thank you for sharing

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome

[@meganlarsen3797]

The tough thing was that I couldn't give him the "this is better" thing as I was recovering from chemo. He had supported me through it so felt like he had nothing else to give. He got itchy feet and a willing party buddy in a colleague who was married who validated him. They validated each other. He spiralled down for two years and it's been a year and a bit since he left her though hes cutting more and more people out. He said he would contact me when he was ready in about a year though that expired a few months ago. I saw him amd I saw the addiction as two separate things though I know now he couldn't see the difference between the two.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's so heartbreaking, Megan. Having to battle cancer and having an addicted loved one at one...That's way too much 💔

[@meganlarsen3797]

@Put The Shovel Down I asked him to leave though he can't see it was because of the issues the addiction was causing. He got so mean so quickly and that's been the hardest thing. He went from taking time off work to look after me to being so cutting and dismissive of me. Went from missing me to avoiding me like the plague...telling me I was annoying and jealous. He had even cut back drinking for a bit though that ramped up and I honestly wonder if he even remembered ever liking me. He got himself into some awful situations though just seemed to run faster towards them. Any time I asked if he thought they were the best places for him to invest himself...he would and just sort of got pulled by this invisible string into it all. It seemed almost against his will. He seemed really self aware as he was the one who said loads about constrictive verses destructive. He had cared for me another time shortly after his friend died and I was concerned he wasn't looking after himself then and he said caring for me gave him something. It did! Self worth. He felt important and needed. I just loved him. Just before he left my life he said he didnt have many real friends like me and he needed me as much as I needed him yet then accused me of just using him and being jealous. We didn't speak for two years. He then told me he had spiraled down though not to worry about him and he would talk to me in a year. Its been 16 months. Not a word.

[@janetpettifer3486]

My son in in this terrible cycle, he is an adult losing his job, his house, his son and cannot find his way out. His family is giving up on him.

[@aprilyount7713]

Yes. Thank you for you. Don’t feel so alone .

[@noninoni454]

Amber you are soo heaven sent. You are soo knowledgeable! Your videos are soo helpful

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! Thanks Noni. So sweet of you to take time to leave those kind words 😃😃😃💓💓💓

[@gabriellewilliamson5810]

I have just lost my sister to addiction your explanations are so apt I helping to understand it all

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💓

[@leighannsimpson1333]

Hello. I am an alcoholic. I slipped into alcoholism over the past five years. I realize that I have maladaptive coping skills and have dealt with trauma including leaving an abusive husband during the pandemic and shortly after losing my father for whom I was very close with. During said time I realized that my mother swindled me out of about $150k. She justifies her actions because of my addiction and is extremely judgmental I still have to work with my mother and she is diminishing my career. It’s nuts and sickening. I know I’m stuck yet I don’t know what to do

[@cheerfulmouse]

Theresa, you are not alone!! Going through a similar thing. But I can't wait until kids are grown.

[@Unhealthynonsense]

Gonna grow up to never speak to you, take care of your kids, if u treat em like poo for majority of thier life including peer pressuring to succeed in life, will turn you into me, very distant from my perants, I raised myself

[@cheerfulmouse]

@Unhealthynonsense None of what you said describes how I parent.

[@Unhealthynonsense]

@cheerfulmouse kids growing up ain't the big 1, the big 1 is the process to that age

[@cheerfulmouse]

@@Unhealthynonsense . ⬅️⏪🎯 Gonna take you at face value

[@yobenally1073]

Thank you. Hearing your perspective really helps me.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome

[@nsff2001able]

Thank you. This is timely for me as I am trying to help my partner understand their choice.

[@rebeccaclausen5160]

I really appreciate your points of view and step by step explanation of what is happening for both the individual and family. I am eager to learn more. My 43 year old son is living with me and we re both mutually miserable.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much for your positive feedback, Rebecca! 😁😁

[@ericcraig3675]

Alcoholism is like a pregnancy, you dont see it ( bump)at first,but you do see it at the end,

[@itsmiami]

She lost one child and, what she said was a good spouse. She has lost me and nearly lost her other children. She is on track to losing them as well. That addiction comes first. Above all else.

[@RichDog49er]

Wow this makes me feel worse about my old life. My wife saved me!!

[@dionne79]

How did it finally click?

[@RichDog49er]

@@dionne79 to be honest the person got in trouble so I was forced. I had tried many times and couldn’t get through the initial physical withdrawals. That part was followed by extreme depression and a feeling of hopelessness that at the time seemed I would live with forever. Within 3-4 weeks I started to feel normal again like waking up from a foggy nightmare. I understand that I will be an addict forever but I honestly can and would say no if it was right in front of me. My beautiful wife was just about to kick me out because of the constant lying and worry of waking up to find me dead but because of something she heard on this KZbin channel she chose to keep me there. I would’ve been dead after the first paycheck. After that day I would tell her when I was picking some up and was able to be honest with her as well as myself about my addiction. She has shown me videos of how labored my breathing was and twitching almost like a mini seizure while sleeping. As mad and disgusted as she was with me, she rarely showed it. The Love, support and encouragement she gave and continues to give is what made it click. Her telling me she’s so proud of me is a huge motivator too. I can’t believe I did this to us, fentanyl is the worst hell anybody can possibly imagine. Sorry for the novel but thank you, getting it out of my head was therapeutic.

[@dionne79]

Wow, thank you for sharing. Your story gives me hope that things can get better.

[@RichDog49er]

@@dionne79 Keep fighting & don’t give up, I know that’s easy to say when you’re not the one but I promise there is a way out as impossible as it seems. Thank YOU for this, good luck to you and your family.

[@Quartzone6145]

I want to save my husband I'm so desperate now

[@Skoopyghost]

Psychiatrist put me on addictive medication instead of giving me therapy so I abused the medication because I never got any therapy.

[@sarabrower6648]

This video is so helpful to me. I am able to have some peace in my mind and clarity to understand this addiction.

[@agnessanga]

Its more painfull to control adult addiction. My husbands mom is a narcisst so is his son and it gets worse because when you mention the damages the son is causing in our marriage, she sides with him and says am the one giving him stress. that the son is Still young and drinking is normal every young man drinks..am tired! Plus hes been an addict of weed since he was 16 now hes 32!! (He says weed is just a herb and God created it)its so sickening!!! He been in and out of rehad and everytime he steps out of rehab he starts drinking right away even when still on the medication😢😢😢To say the least; planning my exit soon after i deliver my second child with him. Am now 9mnths pregnant and it hasnt gotten better.

[@soultravelerone]

You are truly a blessing. I said glad I found your channel.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much!

[@Hammerzippy]

I would like to know how to protect oneself from the damage and hurt. My childs father has done the detox's ,rehabs inpatient and out mumtiple times over the last several yesrs the AA. Gets the chips ....this can go on months to many motnhs . And yes they see and we see that person we loved to start, but like clock work. The wound gets ripped open and salt poured on it Everytime the person throws it all away. Starts the same ole stuff. Same pain, but worse more lies ,more everything for months and month . Then back to the rehab or meetings, and it all starts over again and again. I just want to protect myself and child from this stuff. I dont want to invest anymore hope, i feel i ran out of patients supprort and sympathy long agi. Its very toxic to be around. His chocies have directly disrupted my abily to maintain a peaceful living environment for myself snd our child he already put so much on me ,by not keeping his parenting schedule, the damage the inconsistenties. He is verbally abusive to me. To be continually let down but to watch our child be let down is the worst. . I am starting to think damage from No involvment may be slightly less damaging than this awful cycle. When is enough really enough. How do i protect us from this? Should i get legal council snd go to the courts? Should i call the police to check him for driving while intoxicated as he is enroute to pick up child? I need to protect us from future hurt and damage.

[@friendlyperson........2006]

Listening to you has given me so much hope thank you and may God bless you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome

[@googleuser8036]

"To entice them [to see what's good] vs... and that's how you deal with it, that's how it works." That is what you said in your video, minute 39. After dealing with an addict family member for 25 years, after many treatments, after studying this subject a lot, I can say this to your "good vs bad" approach: if only it was so simple, then this country wouldn't be constantly exceeding its own yearly record number of addictions and addiction related deaths. Many addicts, including those that lost everything to their addiction, then went into recovery and rebuilt their lives with an outstanding amount of effeort and commitment (not to mention an immense ammount of their family's efforts and sacrifices made to support them in their recoveries however short-lived they may be) only to relapse and lose everything once again know precisely "what's good" and how to go back to it. But not too many do. And that is precisely the problem with this "enticing" toward what's good - it may be effective for some addicts, but in general, this approach is ineffective.

[@JyAllen-g3s]

When i had 6 years, 7 months and 9 days of continuous sobriety, I felt that I could make a choice. Now that I'm in active addiction, choice and using drugs don't coexist.

[@celiacrevelation2875]

I can totally relate as a Mother of an addict.

[@marycronin2169]

So painful to hear. I appreciate your honesty.

[@maryjohnking5869]

Thank you for all your insight. Im a 5 year recovering alcoholic. Now, unfortunately i am also seeing this in my kids. I too am a coindependant . I'm going to look at more of your talks. You really do make sense. From the all roles i have played myself. Thank tog again. BLESSINGS❤

[@maryjohnking5869]

Sorry😂for the mispells! I think you get it.

[@jodypixley6683]

Great explaination !

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Glad you liked it 😁😁😁

[@wendyandersen8241]

You are right on. I have been living with two different men that are Alcoholics. I am dumb to marry the 2nd husband as a recovering alcoholic. He is also physical abuse victim at 12 years old by an old man. so his maturity is still at 12.

[@brightpage1020]

Because addictions give them something their family can't or won't. Escape. From. Responsibility for their lives. Families give you responsibility as an honor of participation. There is an expectation of positive contribution.. Addiction gives addicts a break from that when holding it up feels too shamefully hard.

[@ladytracy46]

Omg!!! This is spot on with my Brother 😢

[@debbiehood1786]

You nail it ever time. I can relate to this 😢

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Debbie!

[@marcybowes4118]

What your talking about is exactly what is happening with my son but he is fully addicted to heroin. He is going to a center for help, using Methadone but I’m catching him still smoking heroin.

[@tabbroz]

Thanks for sharing this information.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Welcome! 😁

[@luciaparker389]

You are absolutely right. Thank you for this video. My husband is addicted to smoke. Recently, he's been drinking a lot when I told him about it he gives all the alcoholic beverages there in the house bar. About 3000 dollars worth But later, he went back to buy more. It doesn't hurt me because some bottles are the noe my son's bring me from around the world he travels . I need help

[@SilveriaCaban]

❤😊 thank thank you 🙏. You are a blessing.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You too!!

[@cynthiaamos1588]

This information is so sad. doesn't give me hope for the addicted

[@Fiery154]

Okay, I just need to listen to this like 5 more times

[@juliehedley2743]

Thank you for this video

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure

[@jodybridgewater3062]

Great explanation!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks!