Inside the Mind of an Addict

When we are in an addicted state, our thinking becomes warped and deluded. We begin to behave in ways that completely contradict who we are. No one is immune to falling into this state of mind. In this video, we explore how and why that happens.
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[@PutTheShovelDown]

Is addiction really genetic? In this video, we'll take a look at the science of addiction and the brain. ✋🏻kzbin.info/www/bejne/p4aWkqOjjalqnNU

[@56gallows26]

I have question My addicted girlfriend has cocaine psychosis I’ve been gone 3 weeks I want to leave her a letter Expressing my care Do I risk upsetting her in her fragile state and possibly getting myself in trouble

[@kathiemcclinton6481]

My husband of 20 years has drank hard for the last 3 years. He began cheating, lieing, manipulating all of us (me and the kids). He threw us all to the curb and caused so much trauma. Now he doesn’t speak to the kids. But he tries to reach out to me every once in awhile. We were all devestated because deep down he was a great man, husband and father but we just couldn’t do it anymore. He shows no love or emotion now, no remorse and for all of us it’s very hard. I tried to be there for him for 2 years but the emotional abuse and narcissistic traits from the alcohol addiction was too much to handle anymore. The entire thing makes us all so sad because we all love him very much

[@maryschoen9914]

I have 10 yrs clean and sober.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's fantastic! What's your advice for people trying to get sober?

[@giuliagiacintucci5890]

Could you say something more. What’s happening in the mind of an addict once he’s out of rehab? Is pushing people away after his rehab normal?

[@lindarichards9913]

My son, 34, passed in Oct from acute alcohol withdrawal. He had seizures from withdrawal and used to tell people he had epilepsy. He did not. Prayers for all going through this

[@mollybussler7174]

I'm gonna drink because I don't work today. I'm gonna drink because I did work today. That put it into perspective for me.

[@nyc7727]

I’m going through this with my son, so sick of being the villain in his story. Most arguments don’t make any sense.

[@christinefoch7207]

I agree so don't bother focus on yourself

[@SAMEntalhealth]

As an addict, we're so sorry. If withdrawal didn't happen we wouldn't go back. But fear is whats getting him. I know the victim mentality is annoying, and me personally don't act that way, but your son would stop if he didn't have to get sick. Also the post acute withdrawal and horror stories we watch and read, sttop us from getting help😢 it's so stressful that we probably will die of a heart attack than addiction 😢

[@ladytracy46]

Same with my brother

[@TeaRose9]

I completely relate, I’m always the villain with my AD. It’s exhausting trying to be kind to people but always turning out to be the villain.

[@jessicafox546]

This helps me so much. My boyfriend passed away but struggled with addiction for years. Some of the things he said and did broke my heart and I blamed myself and took all his mistakes personal. I understood that he was struggling and tried to be his strength but since he has passed I’ve been getting flashbacks of all the hurt😢 and my depression is at an all time low. I know his heart was real. The drugs clouded that

[@deborahstarman9874]

This is huge! The personality changes over time. They get lost. He was so mean and nasty. I can't repeat it. Crazy town! He's the kindest man when clean. It was so sad. I couldn't get through.

[@melissatheriot4477]

You described our son to the “T”! His behavior was exactly as you described. He eventually became violent and he had to leave our home. He is now estranged from his entire family! His delusion is breathtaking and as you commented there is no reasoning with him in anyway he believes everything is our fault. He has done many things to hurt us emotionally. Our lives have been turned upside down. We have peace in our home now but only at the expense of no contact with him at all. The worry is what I struggle with the most.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's a horrible situation for a parent to be in. So heartbreaking 💔

[@catherinemagee9800]

Hi Melissa There's so much more as you probably know. Your right when she around us I can't say anything she's gets delusional. We think she's developed mental issues very OCD. Our problem is she has 2 children my grandson has been living with us and her daughter is with her father .he's had it with her which is understandable. It saddens me that I can't stand having her around and she makes our lives caious. Thanks for listening

[@janinesmith8252]

I know exactly what you're saying. My daughter started punching me so I called the police. She was sentenced to rehab for 6 months, but she left. She refuses to talk to me and blames me for everything! I worry so much because her health is quickly failing.

[@sherrieresendez7091]

I know all too well it hurts so much. Praying for you…

[@bernieryan1343]

It's the most painful thing in the whole world. Only parents who experience it can understand the pain of it . Its so sad.

[@musebylauralye]

I am so relieved to see this video, it honestly makes me understand the power of my loved ones addiction, and sheds light on the insane actions and thought processes that I have been completely unable to make sense of. Gabor Matte says that trauma is not what happens to us, instead it is how we internalize what happens to us. So I feel that I can separate myself having seen this video now from the madness of my loved ones behaviours/words in a way that could have easily traumatized me earlier. Thank you!!

[@janetmcelroy2068]

I think you’ve explained my mind exactly. I get annoyed easily, can’t stand idle chit chat because all I’m thinking of is my addiction and don’t want bothered by anything else.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I love your honesty!

[@agoodgurl2k]

Appreciate your honest feedback.

[@TeaRose9]

This sounds like how my AD is and what she thinks. Thanks for sharing, this gives me some insight.

[@camelabryan7928]

My husband said our 31 year marriage (30 happy years) was not working because for the past 18 months I had been too controlling. I asked " Was I controlling before the last 18-months?" and he said no. I asked him if I was controlling about anything other than not wanting him to drink. I told him to think about it for awhile. He came back with " You control what we eat." I said "Just about every week I ask everyone who is in this household what they would like to eat this week and rarely get any input. " He admitted this was true. Later I asked him if he had thought of anything else I was controlling about. He said no. But he still divorced me and that was the reason, I was too controlling. (At that point I had left him because he is a mean drunk)

[@CaraWorick]

I'm not in a 31 year marriage like you, but a 4 year relationship and been living together 3 years. Just found out the drinking was a serious problem and he has been hiding it about 6 weeks ago. He got arrested. Went to rehab and didn't talk to me the entire time he was in rehab. Came out of rehab on a high horse and told me the exact same thing. Said I'm controlling and have stolen his voice and mentally abused him and this foundation is not strong enough because I never even knew the real him. I said how did you expect me to not control things when I was left with no choice but to do more than 50% of the load for everything. I had to control to have any certainty in my life and to make sure things would get done. I couldn't rely on you. Now, I'm finding out that he is obsessing over a young girl he met in rehab. I think he ended things with me because he is replacing one addiction with another and justifying leaving me by blaming me. I'm in disbelief. I truly thought he would come out of rehab feeling remorseful for some of his behaviors. He begged me before he went in not to leave him and to not kick him while he is down....and what does he do, come out and kick me while I am down. Weeks of ghosting me. Silencing me by not letting my voice and hurt be heard. Stonewalling. Honestly, all of his behaviors are also attempts to control whether he realizes it or not.

[@camelabryan7928]

@@CaraWorick I am so sorry. And I now know about ghosting. We have two grown children. One is getting married next year. My ex will not respond to any message, call, text or email. I was worried about how we would plan a rehearsal dinner together. But it looks like he acting in a way that will lead my son to not invite him to the wedding anyway.

[@charlessoukup1111]

@@CaraWorick what a wonderful job you do in trying to define facets of feeling with words ..slippery, inadequate...I'm 76 divorced at her wish after 26 years two kids son in SD has been cowboy construction things, daughter a year older a doctor doing residency in IM Little mobility constant pain ranging to severe . How about you?

[@lip8995]

Same here we wants to leave because am too miserable, am not loving and am cold. Nothing to do with his alcoholism.😮

[@snm5207]

Accused of having sex with a “black man living outside in the bushes” when there were NO bushes for miles. Literally lived in a field with no trees or bushes for over 5 miles.

[@maryannekendall3344]

People in recovery are very cool. I have not been in addiction but I have siblings who have been and they have learned so much about being human, humble, responsible and about God in order to come out of that battle. There is real wisdom there.

[@carmellagreen114]

Wow, thank u so much! My Son has spiraled out of control! Hes gotten aggresive to the point that his fiance had to leave , get away, one minute begging her to stay, crying, on his knees, 2 hours later, physically assaulting her, this is horrible!

[@mandyaxisa631]

I really love your videos. Thank you 😊

[@bk7907]

I have been dealing with my daughter an addiction for 15 years now and everything you have said is so spot on that I almost want to laugh except that she’s killing her self and it’s so hard to watch it but she does and says everything you have said now if they have drug counselors at rehabs that were educated like you are, there might be some success stories I don’t think there’s very many success stories from rehab they go over and over and over until they finally stop going. You are absolutely brilliant.

[@marysifling279]

🤲 Al-Anon taught me acceptance-of myself and others. I got off my high horse-it changed my relationships with others, addicts or not. I quit after a couple of years. It became a social club, a cult. At someone else’s suggestion, I dropped into an AA meeting. Bingo! I began to see alcoholics as human beings. I learned more from the AA meetings than I ever did in my Al-Anon meetings. If an AA meeting is “open,” anyone can go in. I still go. Al-Anon was never what I needed.

[@lazyezmerelda]

very interesting. Thank you for that insight. I tried alanon, and felt it was just kind of a sounding board for a bunch of strangers.. It did not help me. Maybe that's because, I already kinda live the 12 steps do to my religious beliefs, so, not a lot of those steps are a revelation or anything. Maybe I'll try an AA group.

[@StephanieAsh-k3w]

I absolutely agree with your statement. Taking my Dad to AA meetings I learned to see that no one wakes up and says I want to be an addict. I don’t know if I just didn’t find a good fit with my Alnon group or if the just go on with life & let them be just didn’t work for my core beliefs. I cannot ignore addiction and I will always fight to bring my addict to sobriety or I will know I did my best and move on.

[@debbiehood1786]

How to break through the denial is crazy. They just don’t see it.

[@pamflynn7292]

I was told "I will only consider giving up If you do ...this, this and this"

[@PutTheShovelDown]

total manipulation!

[@starraustin9363]

The main thing in a nut shell, this person that I love was taken hostage by the drug abuse. I was furious. I told her to her face, that I wanted my daughter back. Being a Christian, she was possessed. I wanted that sweet little girl back, she is my only child. I had and still do have many talks with Jesus. But yes, it changes them, it’s a hiding game with them. They do not want you to know what they are doing.

[@fionacorrigan8097]

You are so down to earth yet so in tune with your subconscious

[@dewzymase304]

My partner was sober for 4 months and our relationship was getting a lot better. Our fighting decreased by 55% in such a short time. He got back on the bottle and of course the disagreements and anger came back full swing. We are seperated again and all of a sudden its because he cant deal with me and how I always have a problem with him "everyday" which isnt true. We were getting along pretty well before he went crazy with drinking again.

[@martaw5514]

The same thing is happening to me right now, except that my partner is on drugs. But he is breaking up with me now as " I'm difficult". So heartbreaking

[@iamnoone705]

My friend of over 20 tears had a total meltdown over me eating a few peanuts in her kitchen. On reflection, her sudden mood swing related to her irritability over an alcohol craving. It made no sense to me but I realised I can't help her and have decided that I must let her go.

[@CancerSoothe]

Thank you so much for this amazing video. I am the adult child of an alcoholic who well understands codependency but here at the grand old age of 58 find myself in love with an alcoholic for the first time. This video gives me a realistic idea of what I’m letting myself in for before I get too involved - I’m really grateful for your amazing delivery. I will delve into your material to decide my next step. I’m so glad that I found you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So glad this was helpful! Welcome to our little community 😁

[@BCK869]

You describe the thinking of an addict to amazingly accurately. I was wondering the whole time how you get into this twisted thinking. I suffered a lot form this type of irrational thinking and abuse, but now I have learned to ignore it which seems to help. The thinking looses its power if it is not acknowledged and you don´t respond back. I can see how he snaps in and out of the addictive thinking from one minute to the next as he tries to control his own thinking and mostly failing. I wish I knew how to encourage the healthy thinking even though I do try to encourage when he does something good.

[@rg5706]

Beyond insightful and helpful as usual. So grateful for this channel.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome, R G 🥰 I's so grateful for your support

[@debbiescherger9233]

It’s my husbands son who is the addict. It has been a horrible difficult road. The pain he has caused and then twisted it around. I have disengaged. The hurt got too strong for me to handle. I was going through the loss of my father and I saw my husbands sons true side. It was mind boggling. How he could be so uncaring and everything was about him. I was blown away how irrational he was. Everything had to be about him and what he needed. No one else mattered.

[@123yeet]

I always appreciate your insight. My husband is in the end stages of alcoholism and refusing any help. I've watched your videos and have changed my behavior and reactions, but find keeping strict boundaries is difficult as I have young kids. For instance, I will not bail him out of jail, but I have to pay all the bills, clean etc to provide for my kids. He has lost his job for more than 3 years, arrested at the kids school, and DUI. His thinking is as you have described - totally disordered. Although I have fought hard to avoid a divorce, I dont feel I can enforce many boundaries without it.

[@karenkuhrt5545]

I wish I had learned about this years ago before our 30 year marriage ended. I’m glad I found Put The Shovel Down, I have a better understanding and I am able to interact with my Ex with respect and boundaries. The denial continues but I am able to protect my peace. Thanks for all you do Amber.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Karen, I'm glad these videos are helpful even if it is a little late 😃

[@ThomasEdwards-j6r]

Thanks. KAREN my wife died. From. Meth. OD. 4. Months. Ago. She. Had long. Been an alcoholic. But. Still. Functioned pretty. Good worked. Full time. And being active but. After having covid. Which. I nursed her through. After. Physically. Recovering she went. Back to. Work but something. Changed. I think of it as long. Covid. Then in a while. Things got. Really. Bad and she lost her job and had no interest. In work. And very. Little else got. To where she would not leave the house and kept. It totally dark all the time we started having violent. Fights. This never. Happened before I had no idea. What. Was happening shewould. Want sex. When we. Had. Not had it for 3 years. Before that she. Was also was seeing. Things hearing. Voices and. Expressed paranoid. Thoughts all the. Time this. Went on for 8 months. Then. One. Day. I came. Home. And. Found. My beloved. Wife. Dead. I. Found out there was meth in the house. And. She died from a massive. OD of meth. I stayed loyal and loved her till the end. I am convinced she also loved me till till the. End your. Videos have helped. Me. Deal. With this. Even though it is in a way after the fact thank. You

[@beabeliever9]

My brother is so far gone he accused my sister and I of killing our father and thats the "reason" he doesn t talk to us anymore, it couldn t possibly because he is so cruel and vile we don't want to be around him anymore. Crazy.

[@hollytaylor6858]

my husband could not give up drugs,until he gave up his friends ,who he did drugs wirh. even though he was quitting,they always offered him some,and he would cave in Once he gave them up he was able to stay clean. He was lonely for a while,but got closer to his family,and made friends through church.

[@susanamcarthur449]

This is such a wonderful video-i have been dealing with an addict-alcohol for 25 years and through so much on and off - with the alcohol he can go weeks without drinking-once he starts binging he does not stop-I have always cleaning up after it but it continues-I've grown to know that it will not change because he has never been on the other side with counseling or meetings or help-Im divorcing because i cannot continue to live in this situation.

[@margaretcharimajones3032]

I’m addicted to always fixing my appearance ……fixing house……etc ……trying to win my moms love ……desperate for approval

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I love your honesty!

[@margaretcharimajones3032]

@@PutTheShovelDown Please send some steps …to stop an addiction

[@debbiehood1786]

Same thing happens here with my child. 40 years old and should have known better but didn’t. Fell right into it. Very complicated. I try to ignore most of it. I forgive everyday because I know what’s happening through these videos. But don’t thing for a minute that it doesn’t get to me. So not fair. But I’ll never give up.

[@anthonyrossmaund3161]

Great show today, I wished I could have made it live. Awesome topic as always. I'm doing a lot better lately. Unfortunately I had to draw a line in the sand with my parole officer and told them I was no longer doing 15 hours of group counseling a week anymore. So I was cut back to 3 hours max a week. It was more stressful than prison, I told her I'd walk back to prison and stay there for my remaining 8 years before I would do anymore intense group counseling. I didn't like my councilor and didn't trust her and it felt like she was purposely doing things to undermine my recovery every step of the way. That's supposed to be my job to undermine my own recovery and I try very hard not to do that. Anyway my PO met me halfway and is allowing me to do one program at a time. I'm doing a ton better now and haven't had anymore issues since. I tell them that I follow your show and a bunch of others too and have had more success doing it this way. Thank you

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, that was brave!

[@anthonyrossmaund3161]

@@PutTheShovelDown it was but I also think they noticed how all the groups were stressing me out. I lost 50 lbs and wasn't myself. I was on the verge of giving up though and my po is pretty decent and cut me some slack. I definitely appreciated that.

[@StephanieAsh-k3w]

What other shows would you recommend

[@johnrouze6280]

Thank you for your hard work, dedication, and kindness. The message is clear and meaningful.

[@ashleyszyszkowskiashspract7153]

One family member became paranoid and set up fishing lines with hooks on his porch. Another was continually filled with hatred and expressed that everyone was out to get her,so she in return, would play the game and try to always “one up” all the other people. Another one became obsessed with false beliefs that if action X happened, then he was going to die within 4 years. Others (yes, sadly, I’ve been around multiple friends and family members) recalled situations that never happened or not anywhere close to how it happened. It’s so difficult trying to explain or even argue about something that wasn’t even real when the addicted individual was not connected to reality. Even harder is when they became sober, but still thought it happened how they remembered it and lived a life without trust.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😮😮😮

[@melaniedunwoodie529]

He wasn’t crazy until he was in this relationship (his words) he disappears for days, gets into fights, ribs broken.. all my fault. He loses his jobs. I toss him out because I can’t deal with the paranoia. Him constantly starting arguments. Him not liking I have reactions instead of keeping my mouth shut. Every thing that has been done to him has been my fault. And everything he has put me through , has been my fault

[@margaretcarroll5370]

Hi - Thank you for this video. My husband has an alcohol addiction. I can see that he drinks everyday and spends money on cigarettes and beer everyday, however when I said something about his addictions - he says “I don’t drink much anymore” . I see denial. This is very hard on me, as I love him very much.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It is incredibly difficult Margaret 😫

[@monique.110]

Thank you so much for your videos! Keep making them, keep going live. I’m learning more about codependency and detachment. My loved one says drinking is all he knows

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😁Thanks Monique. I definitely will!

[@stevenkozy5814]

I have hundreds of examples so here's just a few 🤔 as the memory gets worse I start forgetting where i left things like car keys or even a broom but my mind goes to blame someone else of hiding them from me. I get stuck looking at people I Love in a different light, meaning i sober would never see any negative in them but when I'm high my mind makes up negative thoughts to help me point away from me. those are the most sane ones....Really Sad

[@PutTheShovelDown]

This is really insightful and honest. Thank you for sharing this Steven!

[@JoyceSigns]

Your knowledge and experience shine brightly via your videos! Thank you so much for educating your viewers. xo

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! Thank you so much Joyce! 😁😁I appreciate your kind feedback

[@Sadie0123]

My adult son is addicted to alcohol. Now he’s left his job, burned through so much of his money, I let him come back home which I now know was not the right thing. He now wants me to buy him alcohol, and says he’ll have withdrawals if he doesn’t get it, but refuses to see his doctor or seek help. I’m exhausted, worried, and at a loss. I don’t want him to have serious withdrawal but of course do not want to provide alcohol for him. 😩

[@eagle-wingedturtle201]

Great video. It makes me feel better to watch these, especially when you talk about how crazy these people are and how unbelievable it is. My dad called a moving company to take just about everything out of his apt and move it to storage. For over a month now he's been living in there without any chairs. Without a legit bed. With one cup because he needs that for the drink. He is sure he's going to move himself to Florida and immediately have a fancy position at an institute after several years of retirement. Although if you ask him, he has been working everyday of his retirement lol. He likes to call me up and tell me a deluded timeline of reminiscence about when I was little, and the whole thing is so upsetting that I just have to be detatched from the whole thing. Unfortunately my other parent who was always sober is still consumed by obsession with addicts in her life. She visits her ex-husband and talks with him on the phone even though she has a bf. Her boyfriend's kid (a 20-something) got into a lot of really heavy drugs, has completely lost her mind and gets violent with her dad. My mom thought it was a fine idea to bring this person to her visit with me and a 3-month-old so she couldn't steal from everyone in their house and sell it for drugs.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Oh my goodness. Sounds like you're dealing with a big mess. 😫💔

[@ashleyearls6000]

i find myself here on your very wonderful educational videos. for a friend/ lover, went to rehab and came out doin pretty good, him and i started to hang out alot and we committed to each other and 1 month later he just ghosted completely just wouldn’t answer me. even though we were fine. maybe he was overwhelmed or something i have no idea. but your videos are helping me see his side and how i can see my own addiction with love. your changing peoples worlds for the better with your videos thank you !!🙏🏽👏🏽

[@belladuvale2535]

Oh my gosh, I thought he had a mental illness. Like psychosis and hear everything that you're saying describes him to a T. I also see the craziness in me to try and control it.

[@juliezuvela8865]

Do you have any videos on paranoia please. Live all your videos

[@janicepauley429]

I am so glad to hear when you say when you are on your best behavior… (REALLY?) lol. Coz I have clients where sometimes I ‘lose it’ - meaning my professionalism… and blurt out ‘really’!! Lol. Great video as usual. Great info. Thanks Amber.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

We're all just people. It seems like they try and train counselors not to have feelings about what their clients are saying, but I don't think that's possible.

[@janicepauley429]

@@PutTheShovelDown I so agree!! I have my own style of counseling… with a balance of seriousness and a burst of laughter. But still staying within the ethical guidelines. I was blessed to get a pay rise only a few months into my role as supportive counselor due to the boss witnessed all his clients were eager to come to my sessions…and seeing positive changes. 🙏🏼

[@Jack-il3qv]

I have always been free to gloat over and announce the faults of other people to avoid examining, admitting and doing something about my own. I often chose to follow that path.

[@starraustin9363]

Sometimes your older addicted children, it will take longer to get better. After this relapse, it has taken my 36 year old daughter 3 years to get her brain working right again. She relapsed for at least a year.

[@rockinrrh]

1. My friend thinks his whole family and friends want nothing to do with him. He did steal from a few of them but they are just busy and living there own life. Also, He hasn't given any of his phone numbers to any of them. 2. He also is on list for help with being homeless. Three months later he never got a call. But he doesn't answer his phone or checks his messages. Unless he knows who is calling. So the names listed on his phone are the street people, drug dealers, one guy who offered him a job me a one cousin. 3. It hurts me to watch him live his life. I visit once a month. I tell him how hurt and worried I was when he and his two friends use H/F and then they immediately passed out. I kept wondering if I should use narcan. I couldn't tell if they had overdosed or not. He said don't worry about it. Just let them sleep it off. First I was talking how I was hurt and I can't take being around him. I am worried he might die. He doesn't get it hurts me. So I end up not talking and texting and back away from our friendship. He blames me for backing off and plays a self pity card. "You think I like my life". "This is my life" "I don't want this life" He is the only one who can change his life. He is hurting himself and people who love him. I am so glad we have this station to watch. I told him. I have a love addiction and he is the only love addiction person or fantasy. Even if he gets better we don't work as a dating relationship. I keep hoping he will get better. I watch this channel to help myself.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so sorry you're going through this Rhonda. I can tell that you're heart is breaking over this situation. 😫💔

[@ecocentrichomestead6783]

I'm a comfort eater. When depressed, I overeat. Food could be an addiction for me, but I have negative feedback issues.

[@gddjwd]

Mine tells me i have taken more care/love him better than he deserves.

[@56gallows26]

Thank you for all the videos You’ve helped me tremendously

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure. Happy to help 😁

[@shariamaral5493]

My 16 yr old daughter is in denial of being addicted to thc vape from doing it all the time in school. She suffers depression and is convinced she’s the only person it doesn’t affect the depression. She said to me how do you know I wouldn’t be better off if you emancipated me. Well first off it took my breath away. Second I said me and daddy live you and would never sign something like that. Struggling to wonder what did we do wrong. We have tried to be the best parents we could be. My 23 year old son says your doing the same you did with me and I’m good. 🤦‍♀️

[@cyclicvibrations4420]

I subscribed to your channel, I love your content and you deliver it in an extraordinary way! I shared your channel with my therapist to learn a thing or two! Thank you so much

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thank you!

[@78rasheedah]

I’ve been the villain in my relationship. I was devalued and belittled because I left at times his addiction was out of hand and because I’m always trying to get to the root of things. He says his ex never left him. I’ve felt guilty for leaving. It hurts to much to watch and his lies become too much. Plus I have children that don’t need that. I come from two parents that were in active addiction most of my life and I dont want that for myself or my children. He’s ended our relationship because of his resentments . It hurts that he views me in these ways. Every time he’s decided to get clean I went through rehab with him every step of the way. He doesn’t care about that part only when I left. I love him and sometimes I don’t understand his sense of reality. It confuses and hurts me. Leaving me feeling unappreciated. This video helped a lot. I still have to work through these feeling’s however😢 The crazy thing is when he gets clean he understands my reasons for leaving and says that I should have left. As time goes on he brings it up, totally changing his previous thoughts. I feel it happens usually before relapsing

[@janinesmith8252]

Should I send this video to my addicted daughter. She refuses to have anything to do with me and blames me for her addiction. Thanks Amber, your videos help so much!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Definitely DON'T send this video to your daughter. It's going to come across like an insult, which is only going to upset her more.

[@Sincerely_lish]

I appreciate hearing that. I thought about sending to my addicted husband. But now I know

[@MeshellTin]

I would do whatever i could to get my drug of choice. I was so terrified of withdrawals, that consequences paled in comparison if that makes sense. I've been in MAT treatment for a while now. Some would say I'm swapping one pill for another. But I feel free, happy and healthy for the first time in a long time. No more hiding behind my addiction.

[@jenniferlinsey7236]

Another Informative video! Just an observation, in my world of addiction, we are using "person with a substance use disorder" SUD, instead of addict.

[@Primordial_one]

A person with addiction or just addiction seems to be friendlier to them

[@theresalux8185]

Nothing surprises me with addicts sad but true

[@Primordial_one]

I would love if you all would make a new segment on enabling. Particularly with providing financial support and free housing for long term to an unemployed adult substance abuser

[@alisayoung7858]

I think my husband's new addiction is divorcing me and that would explain why he's been able to cut back on the drinking. He keeps telling me he doesn't want a divorce but for his mental health he "needs" a divorce because I just won't shut up in his head and all he hears is me. I'm telling him he is worthless, a terrible husband, a terrible father, ect. This is not true at all, when he is sober he is the most amazing person there is! However, those sober days are few and far between anymore and I've pulled myself away from him and his verbal abuse and this is why he thinks I think he's a horrible person. I wish there was something I could do to save him from his addiction however, I'm learning that I can't it's all up to him. So depressing!

[@lazyezmerelda]

I'm so sorry. It is depressing and heart breaking.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sometimes people project their own negative feelings on to you. Sorry you're going through this Alisa 😖

[@rezrunnercl]

My best friend of 17 years. Over a 6-8 month period, he got just "different". Not present in the moment. I never felt heard anymore. Disinterested in anything outside himself. He knows all my fears and triggers. Sometimes, the things he says make me feel like he's trying to destroy any sense of my self-esteem. He calls me crazy a lot. Calls me manipulative. Soul sucking. I have ruined his life. Until I realized he was using Meth... I thought maybe suddenly there was something very, very wrong with me. I was very depressed and felt worthless. He's so smart. There was no point in defending myself. He always wins any discussion. If he says Im crazy... then I must be crazy. That's how it feels sometimes. He's a good convincer.

[@pamflynn7292]

Watching from Ireland.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Pam from Ireland! Thanks for watching 😁

[@ashleyszyszkowskiashspract7153]

I would really like to know more about the science/psychology of blackouts. Recently, I discovered that a friend was experiencing a blackout, but didn’t appear the stereotypical behavior of “drunk/high.” In fact, they had spoken these harsh words, but later have no recollection of speaking them. Is this considered a blackout?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Yes, I'd say that is symptomatic of a blackout. Thanks for the topic idea. I'll put in on my video list.

[@ashleyszyszkowskiashspract7153]

@@PutTheShovelDown thank you! 🙏🏻😊✌🏻

[@agoodgurl2k]

Yup...will cuss me out, call me everything under the sun...next day asks what's for breakfast like nothing happened. Often attempts to guilt and shame me because "I don't like him...just be honest you can't stand me?" I don't even bother to explain anymore how his behavior has erroded our marriage and the family. I just choose silence nowadays. It's all I have left. 😪

[@catherinemagee9800]

My daughter has been ranting and raving for weeks can't talk to her at all! Everything is all our fault.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😫😫😫😫

[@TeaRose9]

This has been my AD behavior over and over.

[@rinina9452]

My hub is in full state of addiction again. He makes up who I am now and convinced himself I’m the bad guy and “my mental state” is what he’s worried about. 😂😂😂 I’m so over it. The addiction is causing a full swing of problems again and he won’t even admit he’s using. So I’ve gotten back to work, started preparing myself - just in case - and it’s made his attacks toward me worse.

[@paulasuprenant1435]

I am using Suboxone now for stopping my drug addiction recovery 🙂❤️😁💯🍒 wish me luck.thank you.Amber.i like your videos for drug addiction recovery.they are very helpful to me.and educational.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's wonderful, Paula. Next week, I have a Suboxone success story video coming out!

[@barbaraolmstead5408]

Husband smokes 2 packs of cigarettes per day. His cigarettes are a priority. He is quite the magician. I feel like I have an addiction. He creates havoc, subsequently “my hairs on fire” (his words) and then he disappears. We don’t do anything together anymore, his mission is to get his fix.

[@agoodgurl2k]

Sadly, cigarettes, beer and drugs are my husband's true love. Not me 😪

[@stacyrattan8884]

I’m for the first time realizing this has been my husbands behavior for years however his alcohol abuse has never been discussed…instead I was told and even believed I was the cause or the reason for our separation. I’ve spent so many years trying to “fix” me & my problems going to counseling and even the doctor to make sure my hormones are balanced. I’ve never approached our relationship issues from the lens of substance abuse. What is your recommendation on providing my teenage daughters with the appropriate resources and knowledge they need now so not to do what I’ve done. Lastly what is your advice on getting my husband help to even understand his addiction has been and will continue destroying our marriage and our family.

[@carolinazuniga548]

@romiegirl 2020 I saw your comments from the live chat and had to reply to you wherever I could. I could NOT relate more to what you said about the daily accusations. The delusional thoughts that literally get you questioning your sanity.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi stacy, Here's my playlist on Manipulation. I think you should take a look at this first: kzbin.info/www/bejne/a5ynlK2BbpeZmqc Then you can take a look at my playlist on How to Motivate Someone To Take Steps Toward Recovery: kzbin.info/www/bejne/l5XHfal3j6Z0o9E Lastly: If you're girls want counseling then I'd recommend going that way. There are also groups specifically teens with addicted parents called Alateen. But don't force them into any type of counseling or group. They'll just be resentful.

[@skelley555]

My son is a drug addict. He loses everything, his keys, his phones, everything. He then says I stole these things, or took them away from him. He tells people this! He tells them I stole his car and sold it! He told people I lock him in his room and don't feed him! (There is no lock on the outside of his door.) I make him breakfast and dinner every day. Sometimes he throws it at me. I call the crisis team, they come and he convinces them he is normal. The police tell me to evict him. It will cost $1700! He tells people he is bed ridden, then drives to the gas station every night to meet drug dealers.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! You're truly being held hostage.

[@paulasuprenant1435]

Happy St.Patricks Day Amber.please keep making more videos.thanks.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Absolutely! 🍀🍀🍀

[@maryannekendall3344]

Almost all families with a few children have the same problem. The older kids feel like their younges sibling get spoiled because by the time we get to the last child, we've relaxed a bit. It may not be true that the youngest are spoiled but it seems to it to the older kids who were the "guinea pig" kids, meaning we were just learning to parent with the older kids and then we learned how not be so uptight with the younger ones. Or we were just tired. Really tired.

[@jenrayn5040]

You sound a little under the weather. I hope you are feeling better soon. Thank you for this video.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks, Jen!

[@maryschoen9914]

Awesome insight thanks for sharing.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure!

[@tkomla]

"We are a military family. We party. It's just our lifestyle." "Oh well, everyone has something they rely on."

[@deborahstarman9874]

When I quit smoking; let's just say I kept to myself. The cravings ran the show.

[@kizzymulcaster6057]

This is exactly what im going through just now with ad. Shes become so bitter towards me and revengeful. She is trying her best to turn my life upside down. The stress has been unbearable my own mood is low ive been very tearful. Its painful to be torn between hope and how things were before my ad started taking drugs to who she is now. My ad is in denial. I need to distance myself because stress has made me ill

[@carolynhalstead3915]

Dealing with this currently with now missing 29 year old daughter she is currently in relapse after 3 years cleanish she has been diagnosed Bi-polar schizophrenic drugs alcohol homelessness all sorts of delusional paranoia irrational dangerous behavior first year clean time 5 months isolation jail 5 months Napa Mental Hospital 1 year mental health court outpatient 90 day behavioral health inpatient treatment T house kicked out for using Fentanyl cleaned up started relapsing 4 months ago today is Jan 2 2023 . I’ve been clean sober 18 1/2 years this time was sober real active AA Alanon Co-dependency from age 22 to 36 so I’m not completely clueless I definitely appreciate videos thank you ❤

[@vincemorgan6781]

Amber you are awesome!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're the best!

[@user-vf3fg1gl7pMsSandy]

Outstanding video Amber and fabulous Q & A's.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're the best!

[@user-vf3fg1gl7pMsSandy]

@@PutTheShovelDown So are you!🥰

[@lisleemerson4717]

My daughter after relapsing started accusing anyone around of molesting her daughter who I have custody of. She even came to the house at 3am in active Psychosis yelling and screaming and making outrageous accusations. 😳

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so sorry you're going through that Lisle 😥

[@evamejia9108]

Changes his mind so quickly so confusing

[@agoodgurl2k]

Yes, I wonder sometimes if that's part of the mind games, manipulation or gaslighting.

[@sharonscott1776]

Does the addict mean what they say? Do they know deep down they are the delusional one not me? He’s abusive, blames me and accuses me of things I didn’t do or say. He recently threw in my face that I can’t have kids when he knows that hurts me so much. He’s on meth. So does he know he said something hurtful? It’s like we have to keep forgiving their bad behavior

[@maryannekendall3344]

My 17 yr old son says he wants to stop homeschooling, wants me to sign immancipation papers so he can move out but has no real place to move out except a room he girlfriend suggested to live with two guys from her church. The girlfriend has done drugs and introduced him to it. When i tell him that I will not let him move out but that we need to talk about the problem, he starts destroying the house. Every time I try to speak to him, he yells and punches the walls, throws things beats things up in my home. I do not know what to do. If I leave him alone in his room, he jst sist there but if I attempt to resolve the situation, he yells at me and calls me names and tells me to shut the "F" up. He has never done this before and it is so painful and frightening. When I get scared, I just want to control to make it right. In a moment of clarity, I know that isn't helping but this is so hard.

[@TeaRose9]

This was my son and the daughter when they were using meth and both became very violent towards me with threats and destroying the house repeatedly.

[@sharonscott1776]

Why does the addict say I am delusional and twisted. He tells his mates I’m cracked in the head when I tell people the truth about him.

[@trollsnotwelcome7805]

Hi from Ireland 👋 your videos are so helpful. Thank you 🙏

[@stevenbailey5349]

Everyone drinks like I do, or this one other person I know is worse than me. Is one way I hear a minimization of drinking.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Classic! good examples

[@agoodgurl2k]

Yeah, I've been told I'm the one with the stick up my a**.

[@mi8345]

My h goes in and out of denial every couple of weeks. It's like clockwork, I guess it is still part of the addiction cycle.... he goes from recovery poster boy to total eradic jerk and back. might also be just manipulation...I'm exhausted.

[@cherieorenstein5216]

he has accused of me cheating with a neighbor ive never even had a conversation with an ugly person i wouldnt ever talk to begin with, its hurtful and insulting

[@shariamaral5493]

My 16 yr old daughter is in denial of being addicted to thc vape from doing it all the time in school. She suffers depression and is convinced she’s the only person it doesn’t affect the depression. She said to me how do you know I wouldn’t be better off if you emancipated me. Well first off it took my breath away. Second I said me and daddy live you and would never sign something like that. Struggling to wonder what did we do wrong. We have tried to be the best parents we could be. My 23 year old son says your doing the same you did with me and I’m good. 🤦‍♀️

[@jules5501]

i have an active addiction, (that I want to try and stop)....and im about halfway through this video, (just writting this comment so i dont loose that train of thought as the video goes on...) but ya, all those layers they all make perfect sense and i do do all of those things and i can see exactly how i do all of those things and i understand why all those things are happening.. you just said most people cant see it or they wont realize it until after theyre out the other side of the addiction.... but for me, I SEE IT ALL! Its all so true and relevant for me.....hope this will help me?

[@jules5501]

i should clarify that i just WANT to start trying to stop....i just havnt - justifications and all..lol.. but i know i want and need to....

[@TeaRose9]

Yes, my AD becomes extremely delusional during her active using and becomes threatening and violent and there is no reasoning with her whatsoever. She even has a delusional perspectives after active using. I have finally learned that I cannot help her.

[@MamaTo4_Techa2more]

Thanks!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! Thank you so much 🤩🤩😁😁💖💖

[@BabliKashyap-s5q]

You know rohan rajput he's always talk about your he's really your big fan he's really your true supporter

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, really? !? ! Are they a KZbinr as well?

[@marjoriekeenan1535]

My mate will not take care of his health and has some serious problems. He needs glasses desperately. He is losing depth perception and botching up on his work because he can't see. We agreed I should make an appointment and he deliberately got drunk so he couldn't go to the first one. The second appointment he got a hotel room and stayed overnight so he wouldn't have to go. He said no, he is not going, it is what I want, not what he wants. He will says things like he should have been dead at 40, or he doesn't care if he dies. I get it sometimes, but I can't make him understand that I love him and I don't want him to die. He will not get help of any kind.

[@ladylibertywdc8324]

Sidebar: The only subject not on your list of videos : recovery & "closure" for survivors based on reality vs the deceased addicts lies & manipulating agendas. Messy lives leave messy aftermath. Denial not a river but several oceans.

[@susanmctavish8347]

Thank you for the great video. I have an addictive mind and the addictive focus has jumped from one thing to another over the years. It’s like putting out one fire then another pops up. I agree with what you said about addictive thinking being short term immediate relief or gratification without concern for future. The one thing that stands out for me is I don’t have a vision, desire, or set goal for future…when Someone asks me what that is…I’m non committal and ambivalent …and trying to understand why that is. I don’t know if it’s a form of learned helplessness from childhood, or a fear that it can’t happen or even if it does happen I won’t be happy, or simply that the present and dealing with uncomfortable feels is my set programming. I can’t create a vision and get excited about it. As some background…I came from an alcoholic family with a depressive, father who always seemed to make self destructive choices even though he was smart and talented. I don’t know if I internalized that as role model, or not being able to imagine getting beyond that myself…in other words fearing I’ll be just like him regardless of steps taken. I’ve done lots of things and had exciting jobs etc…but there is something in me that self destructs, self sabotages and puts me at the starting gate again feeling helpless and then my addictive behaviours kick in again. Any thoughts would be appreciated about how inability to commit to a future vision ties to addictive thinking and behaviours.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You have a lot of insight, Susan! Have you tried counseling? I can tell that you're ready to be done with this pattern!

[@susanmctavish8347]

@@PutTheShovelDown thank you for responding. I think I have a lot of insights but some blind spots or resistance that is keeping me stuck. I’ve spent most of my life trying to fix myself through different counsellors, 12 step program, self help reading, did a year long DBT course, take anti depressant medications. I’m an introvert as well spend a lot of time in my head…I overprepare before taking action because I fear myself and whatever programming is inside me will knock me back again. My experience with therapy has been a feeling that each time there’s been a flavour of the moment focus (so as an example depression, or repressed memory focus by therapist) or alternatively scatteredness without structure. …so each visit seemed all over the place…and because I’m so scattered myself…I needed to trust an external structure and had difficulty because it often felt like the wrong path. Also having hypervigilence amplified it all. I guess being gaslit when young made me less able to trust my instincts as well always be on guard.. Anyway…just sharing…maybe if anyone else reads they can relate. I became sober from alcohol close to 15 years ago. I thought AA was an excellent place to support me and be with like minds. I wouldn’t have been able to stop drinking without that program. I will say that there can be sponsors who have not worked the 12 steps themselves… so to turn to as mentor was a challenge for me although I volunteered a lot and diligently attended meetings for over 5 years but once again over time something felt as though I was stuck again and needed more beyond that. It didn’t allow for exploration of trauma, impact of early year internal programming etc.I’ve been enjoying your videos as well watching others like Gabor Mate…and I also have an interest in Enneagram, Meyers Briggs etc. as well Personality disorders although from more a beginner perspective. Thank you again for your great videos.

[@sharonscott1776]

What’s frustrating is when the addict calls me cracked or twisted. Wow

[@kathys6108]

Does alcohol and drug use cause brain damage?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Drugs and alcohol change the brain for sure. Excessive use can cause damage. Luckily, studies show that in most cases a persons brain does recover if they stop.

[@sharonb.7867]

​@@PutTheShovelDowndoes that hold true wirh meth? Our adult son has been dealing with addiction for about 20 years. As a mom I am exhausted! 😢 but the last 6 months he's done meth and the delusional and paranoid behavior is more than I can bear. He has been going to a MAT program for a year and it is not working. 💔