ADHD Love: Self HATRED Is The Worst Part Of ADHD

[@BadNessie]

I'm so happy I found this podcast a short while back. Every conversation so far gave me so many insights, into others as well as myself. Thank you for having these conversations!

[@andrewwright9512]

Another goody is @ADHDChatter

[@JudgePettyWAP]

came here to say this, spent almost 30 mins typing and deleting trying to articulate this exact message LOL so thank YOU for leaving this comment! cause hey ....ditto lol

[@BadNessie]

@@JudgePettyWAP trust me, I feel you on this one, it has happened to me many times, too. So many times that I've started perusing comment sections to see if anyone has expressed what I meant to say, and in less words than I would if I tried while breaking my brains. This time it went well for me, but these times are rare. So: high five!

[@KM-jm5xj]

I agree with both you and JudgePettyWAP, so I thank you!

[@dazwischen5072]

I had a neurotypical boyfriend for 16 years. He did like almost 80 % of the household work, including laundry, cooking, shopping etc. He did my taxes and helped me with finances and administration work aswell. I was the creative one, always working on some projects, night and day. I left him 5 years ago and only then I realized how bad I am at housework and finances. I slowly but surely went deeper and deeper into my depression and landed in the psychiatric clinic last year: burned out, suicidal. I got my ADHD diagnosis this year in March, I am now 54. Things are starting to make sense now. I am trying to get help from others, and I have a therapist . It does not have to be a boyfriend. It’s harder, but I’ll get there , somehow. The self hatred is very real. Sending love to all the late diagnosed grown up women and men out there. ❤️

[@Kira-xs1zv]

YAY!!! YOU ARE GETTING BETTER!!! KEEP GOING!!! :DD

[@dazwischen5072]

@@Kira-xs1zv thank you so much for your comment! Yes, I am slowly but surely…😍🙏

[@cat48thia]

❤ The universe placed you here and that means you are valued just as you are. When you feel this all will get easier.💫 🌬🌸🌸🌸

[@dazwischen5072]

@@cat48thia thank you for your lovely comment. 😍 You are so right . Yes , I am working on feeling valuable. “ I am good enough and what I do is good enough “. 😘

[@cat48thia]

@@dazwischen5072 Yes, 👏 we are enough 😊 and not alone ✨️ music helps me a lot to feel the good vibes, I use it to change the song (emotions) when needed most. Music is the language of the universe for me 🎶 🎵 💜

[@Aliashavoc]

I still agree 100% that ADHD being a "superpower" is such a terrible way to put it. I've taken to switching that phrase for "ADHD is a toolkit". Some of the tools in our kit are state of the art, industrial power tools, but we're also missing some tools necessary to do every job. Having someone else around with a toolkit that rounds out our own goes a long way.

[@briobarb8525]

Well said!

[@dazwischen5072]

@@Aliashavoc ADHD aus a toolkit. Yes! 👌

[@Jalmerk]

It’s a good analogy. I think of everyone as having a toolkit, and for most people it’s balanced with a tool for every job. My toolkit however only contains one screwdriver that falls short on most things you need a screwdriver for. I do however have an extensive collection of wrenches, most of which I don’t even get to use a whole lot. I wish I felt less embarassed about having to borrow screwdrivers all the time, and that more people knew me as the wrench guy with a wrench for every job.

[@cat48thia]

@@Aliashavoc Oooooh!! I like this analogy a lot! Thanks 😊

[@cat48thia]

@@Jalmerk LOL 😆 I like your analogy as well 😄 relatable

[@alexam6959]

Omg… love this girl. “Guess what, mom and dad don’t like me, you’re in good company” 🤣 I can relate to a lot of what she says and lived. And also, I’m ADHD, I self harmed, people pleaser, broken, and have an amazing husband that I think is a bit autistic. This couple has helped me 😊💗

[@ANinjasMom]

My husband is my teammate. I did life ok without him, now I do life much better. What he can't do, I can, and what I can't do, he can. And Rox, you are not alone. My mother doesn't like me and she is responsible for my trauma. It's all my fault though. Going no contact with her has changed my world. Her voice is still in my head criticising everything I do but I'm working on that. You guys are great. I'm glad I found this podcast too. Thanks to all.

[@sarahoshea9603]

Rich has such a calm, even disposition. My observation is that, other than his kindness, it's the patience and ability to listen actively that makes him a good partner.

[@KM-jm5xj]

I would agree and this comes from me being diagnosed with ADD, Dissociative Disorder and being Bi-Polar. My partner has stood by me for almost 20 years. He has been rock solid in his emotional intelligence, kindness, patience and acceptance of me from the beginning.

[@CaptivateCatherine]

As an autistic person, I just want to say how much my ADHD partner helps me with things that are difficult for me to parallel the conversation about how Rox appreciates Rich as a partner to help her with some ADHD challenges. We’re an awesome team!

[@SpaceJelly7]

I would love to know more about that! I am Autistic and ADHD and my partner is ADHD and we are early on in the relationship but so far we are not making a very good team. A lot of his ADHD symptoms are grating against my autistic nature and it sucks because I have so much empathy and understanding for what he's going through but it also makes my life so much more difficult and stressful. I know this is too big of a question for a youtube comment section, but is it possible to give some brief examples of how you all balance each other out and make it work? I am struggling to make things work.

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

As someone who suffers with extreme severe anxiety I can totally relate to her. I would stop eating for days at a time as a punishment. I worry a lot about my life, everyone around me and pleasing everyone. It's absolutely crippling, so glad she got the help she needed, lovely young lady it's so sad that society has 1 in 3 people suffering mental health issues. I hope everyone seeks help

[@Jennifer-bw7ku]

People need to realise that people with anxiety disorders have oversensitised nerves, it's not a simple case of manning up and getting over it.

[@steceymorgan814]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about how mushrooms and psychedelics treats anxiety, but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

[@patriaciasmith3499]

Yes, doctor Greg mushroom I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@steceymorgan814]

Please, how do I reach doctor Greg?

[@steceymorgan814]

Is he on the internet?

[@KarenSwift-TherapeuticTutor]

We humans are hard-wired to need other people, to be part of a group. We live in a society and we thrive by working together. Nobody is successful all alone. And society benefits from neurodivergent people. Thank you so much for keeping the conversation going. Hopefully one day we’ll realize we all benefit through embracing our differences.

[@montycora]

that sounds really beautiful, but no... some people, especially the autistic ones, do much better on their own...

[@Greatful0374]

@@montycora😂 👀 it’s more peaceful and you can hear yourself, calming. Even that might be a conversation of possible trauma response .

[@montycora]

@@Greatful0374 - you sound like you don not believe people can be wired differently without being broken. Congrats to the usual neurotypical behaviour... in your logic, if I think/feel differently from others, I must be broken, right??? BS

[@Greatful0374]

@@montycora well studies have proven the adhd like ocd usually comes from stress or trauma 🤷🏽‍♀️. Same boat with you, just trying to understand.

[@montycora]

@@Greatful0374 - I'm sorry, but no, there are no studies proving this. I want you to find me the name of the study so that I can read it, because I am 100% sure you won't find it and if you do, it is probably a very unreliable one. If YOU want to believe in this BS, go ahead, but don't go around saying it has been PROVEN because it has not. OCD is a PSYCHIATRIC disorder, whereas ADHD is NEURO DEVELOPMENTAL, comparing one with the other is like comparing autism to syphilis.

[@nickguitarfreak17]

ADHD is so hard to describe to people who dont have it. Its such a lonely feeling knowing most people just cant understand what you go through

[@Thalanox]

I don't even think it's about having a good verbal intelligence, it seems to just be a factor of the fundamental experience of life being so radically different. That most people seem to work as near-clones of each other, as far as mental mechanics goes doesn't help.

[@DivSundar]

When you read out the ten beliefs I started crying as I believe this for myself... All of them. I'm not yet diagnosed but hope to heal and grow moving forward 17:45

[@SarahParkesCoaching]

Boom … we are not meant to do life alone. The first 5mins of this interview is absolute gold! ❤

[@notnotneutral15]

Not everyone can find a partner even when they put effort onto finding one, Sarah.

[@Viviennitta]

​​@@notnotneutral15 don't you believe in "what you subconsciously expect and allow into your life is what you'll attract?" Seems to work for me and people around me. Usually we find ourselves in somewhat similar situations or with similar people, repeatedly. For me it's mostly about patterns. No trying can bring fruits when we're not changed on the inside. Most of the quite mentally healthy people aka "normies" (generalisation) I know, is in long-term relationships. Also people with disabilities, I saw some of them being fairly successful in that area (just some random options trying to figure out what you'd perceive as an obstacle). So what is it that would stand in a way and be irremovable? Everyone has somebody out there for them (apart from people who would hurt someone terribly and shouldn't be with anyone ever like narcissists although even then you can find cases where these relationships work). I'm not a normie though. 😹 I'm just striving to reach a somewhat healthy and secure state as an ADHDer and I believe everyone would make so much good in the world by trying.

[@Mermete8]

@@notnotneutral15 sad but true and also there's a tendency for long time singles to prefer to stay that way to ensure their independent life. this makes it harder to form a family with another. I for one I couldn't live by myself but I respect those friends who are ok on their own

[@SpaceJelly7]

I am ADHD, Autistic, and have a photographic memory as well, and it hit me so hard when you briefly mentioned the struggle that comes from all 3 of those things not working cohesively at times. This entire interview was amazing and made me feel so much more comfortable about so many things but there is a unique struggle to having an amazing photographic memory, never forgetting things, wanting order, paying attention to detail, and then forgetting one detail that turns out to be a pretty big freaking deal. That is a very specific source of shame and self-criticism for me, and I didn't know anyone else could relate! Anyways, first time listening to the podcast, I was brought here because I am fan of ADHD Love youtube channel. This was wonderful, thank you!

[@lilstars5599]

This has done amazing things for me. I'm not "allowed" to be this new better person of myself, without being out down by my sort of separated from husband. When I know I need to rest he will vehemently tell me "You do nothing." This is magic. Thank you. I've been in serious therapy for 5 years this time. But most of my life. Dx'd ADHD for the second time few years ago, Autistic dx 2022 I think.. all the things you talk about, that help clean off the shame, I'm not allowed to implement without being just told I'm lazy and useless on my own.

[@KenotheWolf]

These two are my savespace and keep up my hope there is hope that there are people out there that would like to be with me even though im so difficult. But seeing everyone im this community i learned im not even too difficult next to others and they still have spouses and a life. Or they are comfortable with themselves. And that is my ultimate goal.

[@fiberhijinks8279]

"Cleaning off the shame and setting the person free" -- such an amazing line and it really does feel like this when you can understand that the reasons you're struggling. Fantastic interview, amazing people 💚

[@KamikazeQueen]

Life is messy and sometimes ADHD or Autism is found under a pile of trauma, anxiety, OCD, depression, burn out, insomnia, various aches and pains and physical symptoms. I'm currently in the process of reassessment of diagnosis. At 57 yo I'm processing that I'm probably ADHD. And I'm looking around among family and friends. What if I'd known early... What if this other person also has... It's a rollercoaster going through the tests and checking against criteria. And now trying different strategies to manage my daily life. I'm so thankful to everyone that's sharing their stories ❤

[@joeboswell5061]

The laughter i get listening to you two talk makes me feel like someone gets it and i get both sides so well it seems unreal

[@jbug884]

You’re both a match made in heaven! Autistic people do well and complement ADHD people. Lovely to see 😊

[@Dancestar1981]

It’s harder when you have both conditions

[@briobarb8525]

​​@@Dancestar1981 I'm sorry...I can imagine that is hard. But as an easy chatter box...learning to put a lid on it...and catch yourself before you rattle off way too much is pretty frustrating as well. Of course we don't seem to realize it in the moment. It's always after the fact that you realize you have "done it again!". 😣🥴. Best wishes!

[@briobarb8525]

Hmmm...interesting thought.

[@nephilimshammer9567]

actually most ADHD people are on the spectrum

[@Thalanox]

@@nephilimshammer9567 Not always to a clinically-significant degree, though. It's a new enough area of research into a complicated and hard to understand mush of awfulness. Here's to more knowledge being learned and propagated throughout the world such that the captive human potential in people can be unleashed and everyone can live their best lives.

[@Ozzi578]

So true!!! Those closet to you are aware of the ‘gaps’ and love your quirky nature but still expect you to manage the bills etc like a non-ADHD person. They don’t get that you either have piles of un-paid bills hidden under more piles or you have to pay it immediately (so you don’t forget)….

[@ilastigma]

Thank you thank you thank you for this channel. I have found this content during the time I have been dealing with my diagnosed ADHD and while I have always known I was different; I never knew why. These beautiful conversations with your guests and hearing all of the varieties of experiences folks have had, have made me feel less alone and have helped me to learn ways of coping and embracing myself. Ever so grateful.

[@RandomXFalcon]

I had a hard time growing up as a kid, always found it hard to fit in, always found my self in some form of trouble and drawn to alcohol and cannabis use, ADHD & ADD where "not a thing" when I was in school we where called stupid or dumb. hell the special needs classes where full of people like me... fast forward 23 years and I was diagnosed as having ADHD and with the videos my partner showed me of Rox and Rich I slowly started putting the pieces together of my habits falling in the same line as how it effect Rox. Slowly understanding how my mind works and very slowly trying to work out what parts of my past where vastly influenced by adhd and what parts are just me being stupid. Loved this episode! Great work to all.

[@kasm_nME]

The support and the love! Be kind, give each other grace, and the world will be a much better place🥰

[@patricketheridge7853]

This was a great podcast to stumble onto, one thing that would really help though would be to put a amazon link to their book in the description, I needed to flip back and forth after watching to find the name of the book so I would buy it.

[@hannahk.summerville5908]

This combination of all three of you is phenomenal. Please do a second, third, tenth part of this!😻 Also Rich: You can totally be an advocate if you're self realized. The community welcomes you with open arms🤗 Oh and we also want you to get all the accommodations too. I don't know I'm getting really emotional hearing/feeling all of the nuance here. Rox could totally be AuDHD for example if you consider pda. Beautiful how y'all vibed and effortlessly flowed between depth and laughter. My journey (also complex ptsd + adhd + autism) has a lot of similarities. Thanks so much for this💚

[@crabsticks3724]

rich and rox's channel's had me in tears so many times for multiple reasons, and they've been such a big help since getting my adhd diagnosis at age 30 (among other things), and not 5 minutes in, rox's first answer to the first question already has me in tears... love you guys, thanks for sharing so much of the real ups and downs of life with adhd and just being good human beings. literally switched to an alt account to post this comment because i can't bring myself to post it from my main account that's got my real name for fear of anyone i know seeing it. still working through a lot of things on this journey.

[@DorchesterMom]

I asked my husband what it’s like to live with me, me with this disorder and him being NT. He said it was a lot of fun and he wouldn’t want it any other way. I think if it as my fire to his ice, my energy to his stability, my sudden insight to his thought out wisdom. The balance - it’s everything! 25 years together, 20 married, through good times and bad, three teenagers. We never fight or go to bed angry. To Miranda; it’s not letting them “do” everything. We bring things to the relationship and our families no one else could. We do our part, but in the ways that work best for us - and because of the that, it works. If only everyone could have a partner who makes them feel complete ❤

[@stephenmansfield2722]

The thing about teammates being the answer is that not everyone gets teammates that support them. Not everyone gets teammates at all.

[@danamatthews7700]

😢

[@VirulentStrainAuDHD]

This is not bible-thumping or superiority in any way, shape of form. I have discovered and experienced that not only is Jesus real, but he is the only one who is always there and hasn't let me down. People say religion is a crutch. Fair enough... but a relationship with Jesus isn't a religion at all. It's a dialogue with boundless strength and wisdom. and a genius sense of humor. I was scared to give up control of anything, having been criticized for even taking up space (felt like I had to always bring my A game, as if that were even possible). i LOVE not having to be in charge of everything. Life is way easier and ends up turning out infinitely better than if I'd gone it alone.

[@stephenmansfield2722]

@@VirulentStrainAuDHD It sounds like it’s really working for you. I once would have sympathised with what you say here. I too believed a relationship without “a loving God” was everything. I believed that I needed to surrender my life to God; that he ought to reign on the throne of my heart. I retired in the idea of giving my life over in the way you describe. In the end though I experienced no convincing response to my prayers for God to take control of my life. I found that I would puzzle over the significance of various occurrences and their significance as a clue to what God’s will was for me. Ultimately, I found I was confused and discouraged by the lack of any clear direction from God. I found that I was vulnerable to making foolish or wrong decisions based on my guess-work as to the will of God. I found it too upsetting to set out on what I had guessed to be God’s will only to find that it was wearing and resulted in painful outcomes. Most of all I deeply regret the ways that I refrained from living my life in accordance with my own wishes, desires and with who I was. At this point I deeply regret the abnegation I lived by in accordance with my understanding of “God’s word”. Loving this way did not lead me to happiness or to a fruitful life. Today I struggle with immense grief at how I failed to live my life - the only one I will have. I struggle with troubling depression and despair over the state of my life which was so tangled with the teaching of Jesus. I have heard many speak of how wonderful their relationship with Jesus is. But I have seen the evidence of so very many who have found that the promised happiness of following Jesus ultimately prove illusory just as it was for me. It sounds like it’s working for you right now. For some it does perhaps even well enough right through to the end. I hope that someone will hear my story and avoid the loss and damage that I experienced through bandage (that is what it was for me) under this religion.

[@sagichdirdochnicht4653]

​@@VirulentStrainAuDHDFuck off. Seriously. If your believe in Jesus helps you and gives you comfort, that's cool. I support that. But just so that you know, Jesus may be a great addition to some companies, but he's a poor substitution for company. But telling grown people all they need is Jesus is kinda disgusting. Hard to believe for you, but there are people who do not believe. Do you think I or other people - even if we TRULY intended - could flip a switch and suddenly we see holy maria on a piece of toast or whatever the fuck?!

[@Abuh161]

Might not be your cup of tea, but you might be able to get some support and body doubling out of ADHD related Discord servers like "ADHD Dopamine".

[@ttttotoro]

After a difficult day, it was enough to put me into tears where she said "I don't work very well" in the just beginning of the show.

[@VirulentStrainAuDHD]

YES!!! Everyone has heard at least the first part of the Serenity Prayer... God grant me the serenity to *accept the things I cannot change*..."courage to change the things I can* -- and the wisdom to know the difference. To quit preceiving wiring differences as punishable character defects is half the battle. Ceasing to waste energy trying to change the unchangeable gives me back energy and mental resources, in order to leverage my strengths to find workarounds/interventions/accommodations that will ultimately give me agency -- for the first time in my life.

[@mishmarie4170]

Doing less to do more!!! YES !!!! Get me out of this 9-5 daily grind! ✌🏼

[@janocko7638]

Ben, thank you so much for hosting Rich and Rox ❤ So many great insights about our daily struggles.

[@AC-yw2qs]

For me, I often feel like a passenger in my own head. Like I observe ADHD me doing or not doing, but to exhausted to deal with it. High expectations of myself alongside the hate, sprinkled with moments of amazement

[@dazwischen5072]

„ A passenger in my own head“ I like that , can relate to that. Thank you

[@TLCBear85]

WHEW! That right there! 🤯....yeah...

[@Tctiffany]

I hate having to body double for others sometimes, but I love that most days all we need is a buddy to sit with us.

[@Polin-dx5ru]

For me it’s easier to even just have someone one the phone just knowing someone is there helps me.

[@rachelderagonartist9766]

This is why I am afraid to ask my husband to body double for me. I feel like he has enough on his plate.

[@WhenTheSunLordsFell]

@@rachelderagonartist9766if you dont mind the advice i think it wouldt hurt to ask you and your partner are a team and im sure he can take one of his breaks just sitting around while you clean maybe he had more alot on his plate but clear communication give people agency over weather or no they want to do something for you and im sure he loves you and would be happy to be of service to you

[@helenalderson6608]

My children have asked me, at times to body double them, which annoys me, but that's because of my own ADHD. They've helped me understand it's a thing. I've realized how my mother supported me as a kid and adult. Now that she's gone, I see how incompetent I am

[@TLCBear85]

​​@@helenalderson6608❤Maybe you can find something to do while you're sitting with them, even if it's playing a game on your phone. You made me realize my grandma was body doubling me when she made me do my homework back in the 70's. She was sitting there smoking & playing Solitaire, but I stayed focused when I was a kid. It could help them and maybe make you feel good too.

[@Dianomite1]

Omg...masking....literally the other day I realised how much I've buried....fortunately mentally in a good place (ish) so I saw it as although not very helpful, as you can't work with something when you've buried it, it was a sign of how fucking strong and resilient I must be to have done that!!!! Now I am supported I feel safe(r) so I can look at the buried crap and start to figure out, with help, how to deal with it and release the negativity, shame, guilt, hatred, around it....

[@claudiatorres9936]

I love these guys. After more than 20 years dealing with "crippling anxiety," I found one of their shorts and after binge watching them all (and now watching more ADHD videos) .... I have finally understood myself. Groy is the best way to describe my feelings now, joy for understanding that I'm not broken but grief for my younger self and the suffering she had to deal with. I have a great job, an amazing husband, and beautiful children, but after ooohhh, so much heartache. I lost my middle child in a car crash, and I blame undiagnosed ADHD, I wonder what a life we all would have had if I were diagnosed early in life. Sending you so much love and best wishes!

[@valsilverlining7015]

How do we find these people who are willing and able to be there with us though? Especially in old age, and when we never got enough self respect, self esteem, in a lifetime of undiagnosed adhd, to be able to ask for help and feel it is ok to do so?

[@DorchesterMom]

I really feel for older people with this disorder. I’m 44 and just diagnosed last year. My dad I’m positive has it, but his generation didn’t know or believe in these things. So many of them had to turn inward, and I know it can be pretty crippling. With my dad it’s self medicating, overreacting, denying sadness… coping mechanisms from a time that was in the dark. I got to the point where I cut loose the people who dragged me down, started loving myself more, and it s starting to attract others. I wish I had better advice for you, just put yourself out there into new situations and try new things, even alone. Book clubs. Walking clubs. Art groups. And if all else fails, there are adhd support groups at community centers and hospitals - ask for the social worker and see if they have a group - even online. Reddit is usually a good place to ask We ALL need better access to social supports. It’s a real problem.

[@DorchesterMom]

I really feel for older people with this disorder. I’m 44 and just diagnosed last year. My dad I’m positive has it, but his generation didn’t know or believe in these things. So many of them had to turn inward, and I know it can be pretty crippling. With my dad it’s self medicating, overreacting, denying sadness… coping mechanisms from a time that was in the dark. I got to the point where I cut loose the people who dragged me down, started loving myself more, and it s starting to attract others. I wish I had better advice for you, just put yourself out there into new situations and try new things, even alone. Book clubs. Walking clubs. Art groups. And if all else fails, there are adhd support groups at community centers and hospitals - ask for the social worker and see if they have a group - even online. Reddit is usually a good place to ask We ALL need better access to social supports. It’s a real problem. It took me YEARS to get to the place that I was so sad and fed up and just hated myself so much that I went to psychology today.com and reached out to a few therapist offices. I found someone just to listen to me and it was the start I needed to start loving myself. You can’t be a good friend to others until you can be a good friend to YOU. Just sending love and good wishes ❤

[@milothatch5702]

For those who don't feel they have team-mates, obviously I can't give you an immediate solution. But I can offer my own experience. Learn to start to love yourself, and do what you enjoy. It can certainly feel at times you're in too dark a place to have anything to enjoy or care about, I understand that. So stop caring about everything else that's draining you that isn't truly absolutely necessary. Really think about what that means for you. Start to care for your own spirit, your own internal voice, ultimately. This will start to heal you, internally, which you likely do need, and ultimately will bring other's into your life that see it, resonate, and want to grow with you. But it starts with true self care. Not society's image per say, but what your body and soul tells you you need. This means different things for each person. If it's companionship specifically at the time and you lack it, learn to be your own best companion, as corny as it sounds. Love and respect yourself. You survived to where you are today despite it all, and regardless of how, you've done that, and that's admirable. The more you actually are internally happy, and love yourself, the more you want to grow for your own sake despite your challenges, and the easier it becomes to respect and work with those things. The journey is difficult, but the rest will come. I'm not so sure I believe in fate as a set pre-determined path, but once we choose our direction, we will make progress. And as a lasting token of hope, it does get easier with time. Expect setbacks as they are always a part of progress, so that's ok, but it does get easier with time.

[@person4228]

Seeking advice: I have ADHD and I am quite lonely. I don’t have a solid family network, recently split with a partner, I have some friends but I don’t see them often and our life paths don’t overlap so much anymore. I really struggle because I have no one to co-habit with, no one to keep me on track, and no one to delegate tasks with. I’m not really sure what to do with myself. I don’t function well alone. Is anyone in a similar situation or has some advice?

[@vanillamoon2573]

Hey~👋✨ This was me some years ago… about 4-5 to be more specific. I know how hard it can be. I can only extend you a hug from the distance and kindly remind you, it does get better. For me, studying and keeping track of basic self care was and is probably the hardest. Not everyone’s path is the same. However, in my case, l reconnected with an old friend whom I had always had feelings for, but never dared to confess back then. We started hanging out and I gathered the courage to let him know how I feel. A year or so after dating we started living together. He just went to work, like every other week day, so I’m spending about 8 hours without someone to help me stay accountable. Yet when he is around, I’ve found someone I can genuinely trust, love and rely on when needed. I know it seems really hard to find someone like that, heck, maybe it just is. I just want you to know, as hard as it could be, it is possible to meet people whom help make your life better. Weather it’s someone new or revisiting an old friendship, you can always find someone who cares, if you care too. Just be a lil careful who you trust. My previous partner is an example that you can’t trust everyone. Yet my current one has shown me there are still people worth trusting. Of course, you’d have to make an effort to connect with the right people, and try not to get too discouraged the times it doesn’t work (at least not for too long, it’s healthy to grieve for a lil while). St I also think could help me stay accountable in the near future is getting a job with coworkers or studying where I can meet classmates. However I want to try entrepreneurship before that. If it utterly fails after I’ve tried it all for enough time then there’s that. The business thing seems like the most challenging, bc of the accountability matter tbh, but I want to try. I guess im info dumping, sorry bout that. I just thought maybe it could help you somehow. It’s just that I remember being there. It seemed as if nothing would ever change and I’d never make it out of that constant struggle, yet that wasn’t true. I’m doing much better now, and I believe there will always be room for improvement, as long as we fight for what we want. It is hard, it is though, but I want you to know it is possible. You’ve got this. I wish I could do more for you, but you’ve got all it takes to conquer that which you seek. My best advice: stay patient, stay persistent and rest when needed. Recharge all you need to put your goals into perspective and fight for it 💖 Therapy and medication can also be tools of great help when applying that. Sending you a big hug 🫂✨🌸🫧

[@martlowe913]

That's exactly how I feel. I don't know what to do either. Just keep going I suppose. ❤

[@martlowe913]

​@vanillamoon2573 thanks for the advice.

[@Tctiffany]

I work Ren faire and travel, and the great part is I live in a campground with lots of people that I don't have to interact with but I can. And I know they can see some of my camp from the outside and that makes me keep things cleaner. 😅 Now with the kid we love it. We get to travel and she always has friends.

[@Tctiffany]

Also online book clubs have been amazing for getting my days and hours on schedule. And I get others to talk to

[@thetravalanche]

Forget the fact that I'm not gay, I come away from this podcast convinced I need an autistic man to help sort my life out. 😂 I've been struggling for such a long time and did a great job masking. I was diagnosed with my adhd earlier this year and stimulant meds have been a godsend. And now I'm left in processing all this stuff and struggling pretty badly. I hope I can find a support system or as Rox says "hang out with people that aren't dicks". Love your guys content. Gives me hope. All the best. ❤

[@salkashoura4928]

Radical acceptance! We can't change the past.. we did what we did to get through life...

[@PuppetMastersTheatre]

I love these guys, they and several others have helped me a lot to dismantle what parts ADHD and Autism plays in my life. I have had negligible help through NHS and unable to pay for private support. Thankfully I am on the road to assessments after 5 years of trying to find out what is going on.

[@jillypants9135]

I feel like every one of those 10 core beliefs. I haven't read Rox and Rich's books but i will. I have undiagnosed ADHD and on a long waiting list for diagnosis but I'm 44 and only recently realised thats what i have and why i am the way i am. Throw in fibromyalgia and earlyish menopause and I'm a total delight lol. Its very lonely. Brilliant episode folks X

[@redfangtabris7405]

My own mom Is learning these lessons now. It was extremely difficult growing up with non supportive parents. I'm grateful to myself for the kindness and strength of heart it has taken me to stand up to my parents hate.

[@dazwischen5072]

Yes, cleaning off the shame bit by bit after the diagnosis. Yes. Ducks on the water. Yes. My new skin. Great pictures here. Thank you so much for an excellent video. ❤

[@AuDHD_Mom]

I realized a few days ago that not doing life alone is a big reason why public schools are so important!! We aren't meant to be alone in this life. And too often humans judge one another without looking for why a person matters. Everyone adds value to this world. Sometimes they are just like Miranda and can be very independent. But we flourish when we have villages!!

[@allisonthompson3128]

Thank you for your guys' help, and your kind, supportive, helpful words... This is sooo me ..I always have quite a floordrobe going on, in my room and multiple other rooms in my house. And it's not just because I won't or can't follow through the chore until the laundry is completely washed dried folded or on a hanger, and put away.. I have a floordrobe because I am too indecisive to be able to get rid of items I haven't worn in years What if I need them for a new job? Or decide to start going to church consistently? A lot of coworkers and members of institutions I part anticipate in basically have a new outfit on every week. They look so put together, but hey must be so onepiunt.. Plus because of my insecurities in past failures I don't want to look "poor", or not be able to maintain the fronts I CAN put up to mask my self-perception of "lack-of-status-quo"

[@cierraallen9288]

So I am diagnosed with ADHD and once I started treating that I could hear the Autism. I can see the accelerator and brake analogy resonating so well. As a teenager I honestly think the only way I avoided becoming an addict is the autism voice breaking and saying " that does not seem like a good idea! Then it would/will present me with statistics and pictures of what those choices would cause.

[@harley7880]

I get that. My autism argues with my adhd and my adhd argues with my autism. It's so exhausting

[@hanstera_deliciosa]

Thank you for this. Watching you guys has helped me understand my husband (ADHD), youngest son (ADHD- possibly autistic but diagnosed SPD), and my oldest son (ADHD) so much better. 🤗

[@Tctiffany]

I love knowing when to be there and when to leave. Dont make me think you hate me, you just have an end time! I love it!!!❤

[@louise2536]

The shame! nobody speaks of the deep shame until diagnosis! and then liberation! Now I would love more research on Perimenopause/menopause and ADHD. Thank you for sharing!

[@KirstyYouHaveADHD]

It's funny that they also call it floordrobe, my parents would always say "put these clothes away, but not on your floordrobe" since I was a teen. Starting meds was the only thing that stopped me from putting my clothes on the floor. I bought myself a big, fancy set of wardrobes to encourage me, but it didn't work.

[@Kaarver]

I don’t have an ADHD diagnosis but I’m 100% sure I could get one if I was assessed. Recently I was visited by two friends who both have ADHD+autism (masked by high intelligence). In the morning, when we were all trying to get ready to leave in time (one of my biggest struggles in life) one of them looked at me and said “let us make the packed lunch, you need time to get ready”. No irritated voice, no blame. That was probably the first time in my life I got to experience being helped with something I should be able to manage but struggle with without ANY shaming, irritation or blame. It was very special (and I’m so grateful). Also found out one of the loves of my life (from a long time ago) has been diagnosed (ADHD + autism). One of the most pleasant people to be around. Hoping to find my own team-mate eventually, whoever he is.

[@melsavage8634]

There are a huge number of people who are arguing for neurotypical view points not realising they themselves are neuordiverse. So you should most definitely use your platform to raise awareness of this.

[@chazcazz2764]

, thank you so much for writing a book. I've been on a health journey which has been very elongated because of all of the horrible things I tell myself about myself and people. And life! You feel like really normal nice people and it's giving me a little bit of a feeling like maybe my health journey isn't for nothing and I could write something and maybe people would like it 😊thank you for sharing xx

[@katywalker8322]

Self criticism is something I do a lot, but something I keep to myself almost always (and while I probably won't vocalise criticism of others, I can't hide from self criticism). It needs to be very severe self criticism for me to put it out. Criticism is something I have lived with all my life (not sure if schools are now more support rather than criticism based now).

[@KxNOxUTA]

The most hilarious part of Miranda's critique was, that she "insulted" Rich as neurotypical. X'D My she mould have been in for a surprise recently, then! Body Doubling is not really a "miracle" from scientific or spiritual viewpoint, actually. In both fields, we acknowledge that mere attention CAN change the outcome and e.g. the behaviour of matter. In the same way we acknowledge in the spiritual but also psychologic fields, that just being present and actively listening is incredibly powerful in helping people go through their self-healing and self-sorting and self-soothing. I always think of it as "spotters in gymnastics". They are "just there" and the mere thought that they will be there to jump after you to secure your body IF anything goes wrong, frees up resources for you to bravely dive into an exercise. Body doubling provides us with a person which represents "safety" to the brain. Like the antelope with the extra sensitive nervous system being way more likely to be extra extra nervous outside the herd, rather than inside the herd where it'll still react the first but can way better afford to also ease up on safety to fill it's belly with whatever little greens there are to graze. Maybe the burden we are sharing, is actually "the cognitive burden of self-securing and also self-timing (aka "fear of self-damage do to getting stuck in the task to the point we're left without breaks")"

[@pandapopluvsursnor]

"everything you learn is like cleaning off the shame." I felt that so so deep

[@Tctiffany]

Oh ya you made that body double app and my kid (9yo) brushed her teeth !!! Like just did it. Not just stair at the tooth brush, not yell at me, not even try to bargain for just mouthwash! ❤

[@Dianomite1]

Yessss, so lucky to have found my teammate....its only since I've been with him that I've finally addressed the deepest of my stuff...which means I'm really flying now...as is he....support and understanding/a willingness to want to understand is key in life....for everyone

[@harley7880]

I'm Audhd and I hate myself, I used to self harm by throwing my best clothes in the bin 😢 my hubby would retrieve them so I'd rip them up. He helps me so much I'd be in a ditch somewhere if I lost him. When I got diagnosed adhd my assessor said if I hadn't have met my hubby I'd be in such a mess due to being so impulsive and needing dopamine fixes. He's my world. Life is hard but when you are ND it's so much harder

[@DiMakingiteveryday]

We’re the hardest on ourselves. I’m so thankful the world blessed has me with a partner, who understands my brain.

[@lightbeingform]

I love where you all are going with this. I am ND and have a wage earning job which I need, so while I can nod along with the more entrepeneuriculty stuff and apply it to my creative pursuits it can be sort of alienating too. I literally make more money the more I work and that goes for lots of people, even many creative workers, and that's something we don't need to feel othered and judged for... to the theme of self-hatred etc blah blah

[@Raven.13]

Okay I love Rox and Rich, but I want to hear more about your AuDHD, the way you describe it is fascinating!

[@saranades74]

Joining this premiere an hour in, but so excited for this episode. Can’t wait to rewatch. Ben, this podcast is brilliant. Most of the guests are new to me and it’s wonderful to meet and get introduced to so many new voices and personalities. Thank you for doing the thing that is needed in the universe to bring neurodiversity to the masses and have the needed discussions. Bravo! 👏🏻

[@coldpotatoes2556]

Just discovered i have ADHD, my body doubling is going to the library to do my pen work/ art. I knew that i could focus when surrounded by people quietly in the library, but i thought it was me being an exhibitionist🤔 At 48 it is both empowering and tragic that it has been such a late discovery. Many opportunities missed, many degrees half finished.....

[@sallycallaghan5196]

These types of informational podcast, vids, etc. are so helpful and necessary for late diagnosed adults! Especially when seeing mental health professionals (let alone other essential allied health professionals) is so costly in most countries! I relate to everything, and it's a blessing and a curse..... and, I know most of you will understand.

[@PugEngineer]

Undiagnosed AuDHD - Hit the nail firmly on the head with Throttle and Gearstick but the ADHD will make me forget how to change gear or where the gears are. Always struggled with being outgoing and friendly but socially awkward and "Weird", being ultra hard working but "Lazy", reasonably intelligent but "Stupid", being able to figure out complex problems, identifying patterns, remembering exact conversations and dialogue from years ago but forgetting what I was just doing or what I had been told. Knowing I have incredibly technical tasks to complete but not being able to focus on any of it until the deadline is on me and the autism side hating every second because there is no plan or structure.

[@gurdenator85]

I just love the way you both look at eachother when the other is talking. So much love and understanding 💚

[@VanessaWaggoner]

I’ve always had the most atrocious self esteem. I was told by everyone something was seriously wrong with me growing up but nobody diagnosed me until I did it myself as an adult. Really disappointing. And destructive!

[@KelleyCollect86]

I have ADHD and totally can relate to those negative thoughts and feelings of oneself. I’ve never thought of it as a superpower, but you’re absolutely right and really gave me a positive perspective of my disability. Thank you for that.

[@mariaannenkova7954]

This teared me up a couple of times ❤️

[@Tctiffany]

😢😅 not just me

[@cssruth]

Your publisher is nuts. Your original title for your book is absolutely everything I need as an ADHD person and it would have helped me remember the title of the book in order to go find it and buy it. But here I am not remembering what it was and having to find it in the video again.

[@SarahGerl1]

This podcast episode is so encouraging and it's lovely to see this dynamic and hear these perspectives. So refreshing. Thanks so much

[@Kidgangforever]

Wow. Awesome. It’s like a dream come true. I think if I had support like that I would function more like a super hero. I have great ideas, but I struggle to sort out the bills.

When you were talking about small-talk I remembered how we learnt and train in during english classes. Still people forget that our american collegues asking "how are you" are not really interested in our typical rant and it creates awkard situations sometimes. Here, if someone ask he really want to know the real response and usually we complain about something, it strange if someone says only good or fine, it usually means that person don't really want to talk.

[@kreativkunst]

What a rich deepening dialogue, much appreciated 🙏

[@nikolleaugust9268]

Thank you stunningly beautiful people. Teaching me so much. So much appreciated 🎉

[@howareyou857]

Interesting. I am late dx ADHD. However I do have fairly positive self esteem. It's possible this is because I have worked in welfare for most of my life so recognise that many people are struggling with poor mental health. I also have found some folk ( I'm not talking about work clients) to be absolute arseholes and that is their problem, not mine. Therefore I've thought, in the main, I'm OK. Still neurodivergent though 😂 and so are my kids. I also work very hard at managing my executive dysfunction. It's the exhaustion I find the hardest thing to manage and the thing that gets in the way of really engaging fully in life.

[@zoecoggon9977]

Totally agree about dropping "I hope you are well" in emails! surely it goes without saying, and if I happened not to be well I bet the sender doesn't really want me to tell them all about it...

[@Thespoonpeddler]

Really enjoyed this one. I love the stories. All of you are awesome roll models for the neurodivergent community. Beautiful examples of how to work with your brain and not against it.

[@Arden7one]

I cannot believe that I've been working with your product in numerous bars for years, and not even know you my friend!! Simply because I'm a rock & roll lover and an introspective psychology enthusiast, to now come around a full circle and at the end of the episode and find out that these were the 4 products I already well knew from working with Darwin & Wallace (thought I misheard mid way through when you've said once or twice the word or something very similar to "seedlip" and it makes total sense now, a recovering enthusiast bridging a healthy alternative - I should have seen it but here we go, I too show my "superpowers"😅) that you've been working on the past 10 years, and spoke of in the ADHD vs Autism part comparison between companies with thousands of products and yours. It's fascinating, the synchronicity blew my mind. I knew everything around you, but not you, and your podcast. I came for Rory's insight on ADHD and staid for the context in her relationship with her partner, to now subscribe to your spectacular channel🔥 thank you a million, sending gratitude, appreciation & much love to yourself and your family my good sir 🙏❤️

[@kathryncainmadsen5850]

Teacher meeting: discussing a kid with ADHD and the suggestions was headphone with nature sounds to help her stay in her seat and focus better and two of four teachers said some version of Stop making excuses for a kid whose parents never disciplined them. No. We should not give her something special she doesn’t deserve. I was so triggered as someone who needs these accommodations I could not speak.

[@zenniecat]

Anyone else get distracted by the green badges? Took me a while to realise what was on Rich's t-shirt and then I saw the badge on Rox's top and for the rest of the time I was thinking if they should have been moved a bit and the contrast between the green badge and the colour of the t-shirt. XD But yeah I agree with Rox having that person who's supportive of you and truly accepts you just changes everything.

[@elysium212521]

Exactly, I rebel against the rules that makes my life easier!! 😅

[@Dianomite1]

The nrg thing!!!!! I've ended up with chronic fatigue because I've tried so hard to fit in/do for so long I'm still learning the word no....need lots more practice!!!!

[@tiffanyduck3125]

I feel ya on that!

[@stevendunn5664]

Thanks for the pod cast. This was great to hear.

[@Trintron46]

"The smooth handover is happening now." I cannot stop laughing! That was sooo smooth 💀

[@joeexplorer9403]

Loved this episode! Also Rox your book title suggestion was definitely the best title. The publishing industry is so seeped in capitalism and consumerism that authenticity and freedom is not fully celebrated. It needs a whole overturn really

[@gillrobinson3517]

The publishers are probably neurotypical so they wanted a different title. But the book is meant for neurodivergents so the title she wanted would have been better!

[@Esc4pe_velocity]

A great interview. Thanks for sharing so openly, all!

[@wallywampa]

All 10 of those core beliefs are all so so familiar!

[@laurastephenson5169]

Cleaning all the same off and setting the person free... Thank you, that's me!

[@daveslaten8460]

Holy shit, there it is.... She says I'm not good at life by myself.... I NEED A PARTNER!

[@aw2589]

Careful what you wish for. They don't all come with the patience and understanding you may need. Love blinds, and we don't discover one another's negative traits until sometimes way too late.

[@shortattentionspa.....]

Thank you for this, big love x

[@redfangtabris7405]

Great minds think alike. Even greater minds think creatively

[@teviacruz7766]

Thank you. This helps me understand my daughter better and to be the support that she needs

[@Yhoda.PsyTrakked]

Im 41 autistic (just waiting for my diagnosis) known for a while now! Ive been good at not being depressed but it just got me and i got ill, i have ADHD OCD but strangely messy! Getting support is so hard! Like work knows im getting diagnosed and a couple years back when i changed my routine randomly i would forget to clock out! The amount of times when my ADHD gets in the way i have to keep saying you know i have ADHD! This is way i can never hold down a job and if i do i will get depressed! Ive just turned pro with my music but its the music industry here is £240 for having a top 10 😂 unless some magic happens i need a new job

[@ashleyjean172]

Wow this conversation is so validating

[@chocness]

I am watching this because my daughter has just been diagnosed with ASD. I always thought I have undiagnosed Dyslexia, but now I am realising I might have ADD.

[@QueenCheese93]

Miranda feels unsupported in her life I'm willing to venture. The same thoughts crossed my mind while reading both books they have out, but I was able to change it around to feel hopeful that one day I will also have an enormously supported partner like Rox does and they don't have to be neuro spicy either