What works better than punishments for kids with ADHD - ADHD Dude - Ryan Wexelblatt

[@edbaxter]

Props for adhd dude going meta by keeping his video less than 3 minutes for the adhd dads and getting to the point really quick

[@ADHDDude]

Thanks Ed, that was definitely the idea.

[@sumnertano]

And yet I still watched it at 2x speed...

[@JakeBerg777]

Yes! 😂🎉❤

[@CuriousBorg]

Lol! I can relate.

[@priusa8113]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@katiedavis5861]

My son (not diagnosed) does best when his punishment is physical activity. He runs a lap in our field or does a number or push-ups. Theres no yelling involved, he understands he needs to move his body and 9/10 he is happy and back to his sweet self after exerting some excess energy.

[@ADHDDude]

I think that's a great approach.

[@katiedavis5861]

@@ADHDDude thank you! It keeps tempers from rising too much from either us.

[@chriscohlmeyer4735]

Exercise creates dopamine, dopamine aids in feeling better, feeling better aids in task completion. Growing up I lived in a fairly dense population area so walk to school and home for lunch, after school was often play time or get myself to choir practice. Homework was before or after supper depending on when you got home so had lots of time to build up dopamine. School, third grade teacher was from hell so I decided not to over achieve but just do enough to pass, read at grade level but I took the advice of a tutor who picked up on my dyslexia to read, read, read anything I could get my hands on to increase my vocabulary to make better guesses of long words in context. For youngest son "look before you leap" was a constant refrain to about age 8, meanwhile pick up the pieces, treat the injuries, get a description of what he was trying to do, what went wrong, what may have worked better, encouragement to try again. Many activities to keep him active, video games was go see what he was playing - mention that supper or homework was coming up, get him to show and describe the level, let him find a break point or complete a level to make the transition himself. Rarely used was toss him over my shoulder and carry him to his room - both of us take a short breather then get him to explain what he was doing to get me upset and why I would become upset with his actions - then a few stories or a bit of play time between us with the toys in his room until he was ready to return to the family. Much the same response from me when he stormed off to his room (or a hiding spot in other locations) upset about something. As an adult now, he still pushes his abilities, sometimes gets caught out, has a laugh describing it to me. But he is also safety conscious now and at times describes others actions that upset him that could put him in risk saving them.

[@wanderlustdetailer]

⁠@@katiedavis5861my parents did the same thing with me (unintentionally or unknowingly that it was a smart idea. They just ran out of ideas to discipline me) and it helped immediately! Til this day I use exercise for just about everything from stress, fun, anger management you name it. I’m undiagnosed with anything but go in a week to start that process.

[@frankm.2850]

Sounds like a great method to me. Its basically what I do as an adult if I've just gotten really upset by/at something.

[@MegaSnail1]

My solution for my son's behavior was mostly lots of outdoor energetic play time and if he left his toys around I put the toys on time out until he did some chores needed around the house. The only video game we ever bought our son was the Wi. which kept him active and focused. As a teacher I understand that every child is unique, so my best advice is to get to know your child's strengths and aptitudes and use these to support their weaknesses. The goal for every parent should be to support your child's journey in becoming a functional, compassionate adult. Not easy but worth all our efforts. Be well.

[@abigailloar956]

That is kinda what I've done with mine. The more worn out he is the better focus he has later. I used to take him to the park twice a day. Once before nap and once before bed and he always sleeps better than anyone else and was in a better mood. I think some people are doers and some people are thinkers. I don't t really think of ADHD as an illness, just a personality type that requires a different set up.

[@nmorto2013]

My children will not talk to me about anything serious. They refuse coping tools. Idk what else to do I'm spent. Been 15 days temper tantrums she's 8, 4'10 100lbs. I'm afraid she's gonna get in trouble at school again but bad. She bullied a paraplegic child and then said I don't remember. But I still held her accountable then she floats off into space. If something take 10 mins, it tak e s and hour for her bc her attitude. The school ready to drop her idk what to do.

[@ScottJB]

My parents shamed/punished me my whole childhood for being disorganized, "selfish," disobedient, etc instead of getting me help and now, I have anxiety and stress in regards to my perceived failings. I still have the same brain and the same traits, but now just harder on myself. And we have a family culture where you don't talk about things that are uncomfortable openly so I'd be further shamed if I mentioned this. Thank you for helping today's kids have a better chance of being healthy than the "tough love" boomers gave us.

[@ADHDDude]

I appreciate you sharing this. I don't know how old you are but typically I find anyone who is over 40 was not diagnosed as a child. Many people under 40 were not diagnosed as well for various reasons. I want to suggest to you to get an acceptance and commitment therapy workbook or audiobook. I think it would help you a lot. Also, the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns (the new edition). I imagine you have a lot of strengths that you don't always recognize because you went through a portion of your life misunderstood and judged. Thanks, Ryan

[@ScottJB]

@@ADHDDude Thanks for your well thought out reply! I am 34, so I was diagnosed as a child. I will take your advice. Much appreciated!

[@kittenmimi5326]

Now everytime I go therapy the therapist tells me "you're so hard on yourself..." and my parents are busy wondering why

[@alleycat616]

I think it’s important to realize that no parents are perfect. Most are doing the best they can and most understand this once they become parents themselves especially to more difficult children. They also didn’t have as many resources like this that we do now. They certainly weren’t experts on autism etc. and going to make the perfect choices on how to discipline and everything else. I just think this is something important to remember. Too many expect parents to be perfect (and then blame them for all of their failings in life) and that’s just not reality.

[@jlatirl4316]

Maybe spare a thought for the pain and suffering that your parents went through as a direct result of your behaviour! Parents are flawed human beings who (generally speaking) try to guide their children in ways of etiquette and social norms. As the good doc says life has ramifications so to act as if it doesn't and give people a free pass is to do a disservice. In short -- parenting ain't easy!

[@yearight1205]

Dude, you literally described me. I have ADHD and I grew up CONSTANTLY having people lecturing me. So I eventually just started to tune them out. Even to this day when someone tries to have "a talk" with me I just shut down mentally and don't listen. Its become a cooping mechanism from hearing it a million times growing up.

[@ADHDDude]

Makes total sense

[@imfaithlm]

I have ADHD Too

[@deenikki9690]

How would you suggest that people get through to you?

[@exmrsnowwomanscorned8369]

Can you give tips how to make them listen?

[@ahadkhannl]

I can relate to that. I have ADD and I have lived along a bunch of people who had their own issues. As soon as they found out about my problems, they projected their shit on me. From my teen years I have gone through years of counseling, medication and therapy. I don't feel I should be expected to change or do more when the other is not willing to put in work to sort themselves out.

[@jdm314]

As an ADD adult, looking back over my childhood, for me the problem was that usually when I was in trouble, it was for not getting things done that the ADD made it difficult to do. Punishment was not only ineffective (if it were that simple, I would have just done it *before* I got punished!), but, more often than not, it was actively *counterproductive* (hard enough to do the thing when I'm feeling good about myself, even harder to do it when I'm miserable). But I like how you put it: it's not that there should be *no* punishments, it's that punishment should not be done for punishment's sake alone: it needs to actually be getting a better result.

[@ADHDDude]

Yes, exactly. Thank you for watching.

[@rakuga8910]

I stumbled into your video once I found that my Son have ADHD. I'm still processing everything and how to cope and behave as a parents to him. While watching I'm also rekindling how I behaved around him all of this time. I just want to say Thank you for opening my mind.

[@ADHDDude]

thank you for watching!

[@1waythatstherightway]

Ryan, you’re awesome for identifying what works for ADHD kids! When I worked with youth that were chemically dependent in an inpatient treatment facility and having to work with ADHD youth, I really tried working on seeing these kids for who they were and not their negative behaviors when they acted out. One of the things that I tried, was having them set up (ahead of time) their own consequences if they did something they shouldn’t be doing or being disrespectful. When they got to pick out their own (reasonable) consequences, it seemed that they had more of a mature response when they did something they weren’t supposed too instead of throwing a fit or getting mad at me or other staff. I believe it helped build more of a connection and it seemed that they learned how to be more accountable in taking responsibility for their actions. It wasn’t always a perfect solution for all kids, but for those that took it seriously, I think it gave them a chance to see that positive changes can happen. 💚🕊️

[@rover790]

That is a great approach. Thank you for sharing it

[@aprilglover4087]

that is a very good idea. i just found out that my 8 year old son most likely has ADHD and I will try this.

[@benitob2037]

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since I was a kid. I was born in the 90s, when I didn’t listen my parents had to get creative. Especially because getting my butt whooped just didn’t work. What they did as punishment was have me write “I will behave my self and listen” in a book. Depending on what I did, I would to write it out 250-1000x. Let me just say it was a kid with ADHD’s worst nightmare. Anything where I have to sit still or do something monotonous drives me up a wall. I started behaving myself real quick.

[@kristinrenee803]

I just came across your videos and my 9 yr old is newly diagnosed. Extremely helpful. I've done positive parenting for years but your videos bring new insight and new approaches. Thank you

[@ADHDDude]

Glad you found the channel! Please check out the various playlists for parents & kids. :)

[@doyouhearthepeoplesing2]

Positive parenting isn’t parenting it’s rewarding bad behaviour

[@woohunter1]

Hmmm, “instead of punishing them, make them go out and do something nice for someone” I like that…

[@ADHDDude]

That's what I call a "clean up" in my parent behavior training program.

[@billb89]

My girlfriend has a son with ADHD, raised with no significant consequences for his actions or inaction. Now he’s 21 living in her basement, dirty clothes, dirty dishes and food in his room. He’s medicated but has to be constantly reminded to take them, has to be woke up by his mother and can barely function on his own. It’s probably the most frustrating thing I’ve ever seen.

[@ADHDDude]

Unfortunately, what you describe is not uncommon and it is going to become extremely common due to the rise in permissive/indulgent parenting style as a result of the "gentle/connected" parenting movement. Parent accommodation is a catalyst for non-emerging aduthood aka "failure to launch".

[@emperorlelouch5696]

This is true facts👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽. I have ADHD and it's NEVER worked for my mom to punish me. In fact it actually made me more cunning and clever. I was able to make it seem like I was compliant and good on the outside but I was really doing what I wanted when she wasn't there.

[@ADHDDude]

I appreicate you sharing this, it's important for people to hear. Thanks

[@Tctiffany]

Same here. And I still can't get a real job and settle down. I have found creative jobs Ren fairs and crafts shows and travel doing wwoof .... Maybe my life would have been different if more people stopped yelling at me and talked with me to find a workable solution

[@jerhaden]

I just came upon this video today and it is so helpful! Ive recently been diagnosed at age 46 as ADHD, and within the last 3 months as ive learned about it, it has become quite clear that my 4 youngest kids are all ADHD. And my oldest son has informed me that he was diagnosed ADHD a couple years ago but kept it between he and his fiancée. This explains why standard punishment has never really worked for ANY of our kids! Time to step back and think outside the box.

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you for watching, I appreciate it.

[@AylmkJ]

This is great advice. If your child is being disrespectful, advise him of his actions and as a “punishment” you can make him wipe down the kitchen table or something, and then praise him for THAT good behavior.

[@ADHDDude]

Yes, A "clean up" is a way of making amends when you've said/done something hurtful. It's a way of teaching accountability and thinking of others.

[@brookecalcagno907]

What if he refuses to do the clean up action, what then?

[@colemansines9722]

@@brookecalcagno907then you may be dealing with manipulation or worse not simple correction

[@gamersal4455]

Thanks for this i will try to my 11 year old naughty anrespecful only son I have... .

[@Yawgmoth904]

As a former kid with ADHD I can say that when my dad punished me for having bad grades it just made me feel more hopeless.

[@duncansutherland47]

Thank you! We’ll keep this in mind for the future, very helpful!

[@adnanabbasi8535]

Thumbs up for keeping it short and still clear. 👍

[@ADHDDude]

thank you for watching!

[@frankm.2850]

Honestly this goes for kids in general. Your goal as a parent should be to end up with a functional, mature, capable adult, not an obedient child, and the best way to do that is to teach responsibility. The only thing punishment teaches is to hide transgressions better.

[@EmmaFeather78]

My 11 year old daughter seems to 'not care' about punishments too. This is really helpful. Thank you!

[@ADHDDude]

Glad it was helpful!

[@williambetts4417]

Thank you so much for this video. Its hard to find good videos about parenting from a Dad perspective.

[@ADHDDude]

Thanks for watching, I really appreciate it.

[@gregorypeck876]

I’m 44 now I spent more time grounded than I did outside playing, the punishments were severe. And it’s true I become so desensitised to everything they could thrown at me, nothing worked 🤷‍♂️

[@ADHDDude]

makes perfect sense

[@j-willy4137]

Exactly the same here!! So the first time I was tasked with punishing my own child I dealt with it differently. This man just made me feel so good about how I handled it!! *pats self on back* My daughter was at a cousins house, they went into his older sisters room uninvited and played with her nail polish, accidentally spilling it on her bedspread. I chose to explain to her that she must pay for damaging someone’s property, made her take $50 from her own savings and replace the polish bottle. Boy it hurt her to be fined her own money. The elder cousin forgave immediately and my child who was about 6yo then is now 20 and has NEVER damaged someone’s property ever again. She understood her punishment and felt it fair. When I was young I never understood, I was just ALWAYS grounded, for what? Who knows? But it never changed my choices or actions.

[@patientestant]

This is great. Thank you. Good advice that seems well thought out and makes sense.

[@Starbucksgurl21]

I was in this position as a child. I told my parents that when they added more “time” to my groundings, it did nothing. When I told them this I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, rude, or rebellious. I was being honest. It all meant nothing to me at that time. I was just as frustrated as they were, and that's an awful position to be in as a kid.

[@ADHDDude]

Yes it is

[@nyd2021]

Ive been watching a lot of your videos since yesterday. THANK YOU and thank you for caring and having a passion to help people (kids and parents.. and ultimately society) with your experience and expertise 🙏👏💜

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you so much for watching!

[@fuegodeamoryvida2772]

Thankyou! You make sense.

[@jackiemarie5202]

Being an ADHD ODD kid, learning takes longer & more attempts. There was nothing worse than trying to navigate a challange agian & failing - only to be shamed & arbitrarily disciplined too. It furthered my ODD because it erroded my trust in authority/teaching figures plus it just created more anxiety & depression. It was my first experience with the 'ADHD Tax'. I did need consequence, but they needed to be applicable to my learning needs, more introspective & celebrate what I did right. Many lessons were muddied because I was told it was wrong, not just part of it was, then I gave up. After all, if I fail either way, at least failing when I didnt try wouldn't hurt as much. Being carful not to fall into false dichotomy of only right or wrong with a balance of fare punishment was how I learned best. Finally found adults, teachers, leaders & management that did this with me has allowed me to thrive. Granted succeeding in life to spite people was a real motivator. ODD reverse uno card 😂

[@ADHDDude]

Fully agree with everything you said here, thank you for sharing.

[@erint933]

Thank you so much! Even that tip about not saying "think before you act" really speaks to me. I'm the parent of an ADHD child and we actually haven't even gotten her diagnosed but because it runs in the family I see a lot of it in her...anyhow I've used that phrase a lot because she's honestly a genius so it's really hard for me to understand why she can't think through stuff before she does things to hurt others, etc. But thank you for helping me understand that better... I'm really interested to hear more😊

[@ADHDDude]

Definitely, and keep in mind intelligence has nothing to do with executive functioning. Being able to think before you act is all about executive functioning

[@erint933]

@@ADHDDude Ok, thank you, I've not heard that before so I'll definitely be listening to more of your videos.😊👍

[@emilyanne1311]

This was me. My parents tried so much - essays, privileges, rewards. For me it was so hard to lose things while my brothers got rewards so much more easily. I just got used to it - no computer, no library no video games. It sucked always being in trouble. It was normal, with the exception of easy things like not hurting your siblings

[@brittanyantoon9235]

It's interesting you say not hurting your sibling was an easy thing to do. For our 3 year old son, that's all he does. We will get him professionally evaluated when he turns 4, but since he was born with Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome and we know his bio mom has ADHD, we're assuming he'll be diagnosed with it. Biting, hitting, stepping on his brother (and us) for no apparent reason. Otherwise delightful, pleasant kid, but extremely busy and unable to sustain attention on anything but TV.

[@arhansen85]

I’m a parent with ADHD. Diagnosed in 2022. So really, I still have my training wheels on. This is so helpful as I’ve been in a “rigid thinking” rut for far to long and am actively looking for alternatives. ❤ thank you!

[@jakakwkkfke6376]

Same here. Diagnosed in Spring 2023 and have both kids bear the same traits as I did as a kid and now, awaiting diagnosis appt. It’s a challenge for sure. Alternatives are needed yesterday. It’s a whole new world and difficult to parent at time when I am still learning about it myself.

[@Deelipomi]

Thanks for talking fast for us ADHD parents!🥳🥳 MUCH appreciated!

[@ADHDDude]

Of course :)

[@Ladorisbell]

Love the advice from others who are steps ahead of me.

[@Jo-fx7tb]

THANK YOU.

[@ADHDDude]

You're welcome!

[@janeelmore1249]

--I have read and listened to much of your helpful information. It has been great. The part tho' where you recommend not providing discipline, etc but to give the child a choice - if you choose to do this and this you can choose to watch a video, etc....I'm glad that works for your family but not for ours. My guy looks at me and says "I'm not doing that", then takes the computer and leaves. IF I get it back from him I literally have to hold him down and take it. He is 6 1/2 and a rising 1st grader.

[@ADHDDude]

I would ask why your 6 year old feels entitled to take the computer? That's not a typical behavior for 6. My sense is that there probably needs to be more of an authoritative parenting approach overall in your home so he understands that he is not your equal. I cover this comprehensively in Scaffolding Better Behavior.

[@Aeonus]

A 6 year old shouldn’t even own a computer with unfettered access in the first place. I’d start there.

[@profetik777]

Seriously refreshing to hear you say you believe in consequences. Gonna start using this advice.

[@ADHDDude]

No society has existed in the history of the world that did not have consequences.

[@DiosesBuenoLola]

I am glad I saw this video! Eye opening. Thank you so much, really helpful.

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you for watching!

[@Artist-r3b]

My brothers and sisters have ADHD and they drive me towards insanity

[@matthewsermons7247]

I grew up in the 90's (class of 2000) and my mom was a teacher that had a firm understanding of ADD. I couldn't watch TV or play video games unless I wrote down my homework assignments and got the teacher for each class to initial it each and every day.

[@ADHDDude]

There you go :)

[@Nikaplustwo]

That’s a great idea

[@arcguardian]

That honestly should be the case for all kids. Parents need to put thought into every way they engage/don't engage their kids.

[@BratzFanz123]

My little brother is 4 yrs old. His tantrums don’t last longer than 25 minutes but he’ll chase anyone around and try to hit them in the face or bite them where he can! My older brother literally has to hold him in place until he calms down. It usually happens from him not doing something he wants. My sister moved her desk chair, he wanted to us it but he was using another chair, when she redirected him back to his original chair he bit her and started this huge tantrum. He says sorry but starts it all over again. He also has a short attention span, and will go without eating or pee on himself just to continue watching KZbin videos.

[@wanajday]

@@h.kaiser3502 Teenagers also play up when asked to lift their heads away from the screen. Those feel good neurochemicals flooding the brain are yanked away and it is hard. Being proactive about setting times and expectations, agreeing in advance, is so important. Good luck parents and kids everywhere.

[@MagenMartin-uv4kd]

My brother has ADHD he always wants the phone or something electronic and he won't shower brush his teeth or even crap because he's preoccupied with playing video games .

[@roxanne1092]

My daughter was not punishable. I learned to talk to her about the situation and listen. Letting her come to the realization of her actions being good or bad.

[@desireem4335]

This video helped me understand alot. I'm going through it rough with my 8 year old

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you, please check out the "Start Here" playlist as well at the channel.

[@mjolnir3309]

I like this idea. Thanks!

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you for watching

[@lynneSpiration]

My son is 21 now and this is great advice!

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you!

[@ashleykipling3854]

Thank you

[@hollysmith1347]

Thank you. I have been asking child behaviourists how to help when they misbehave. They just redirect it at me of don't punish them. But never answer how to correct the behaviour. This helps, because punishment (time out, if something dangerous a slap on bum) just seems to make it worse. I'll try this. I've a girl 6 and a boy 3 both ADHD. As both myself and husband have it. I was diagnosed with ADD and him ADHD. I've since learned they are same thing now.

[@ADHDDude]

Glad you found the channel!

[@Julian12227]

Holy crap I need to show this to teachers I have adhd and people that did useless things to make me "behave" didnt work when I was younger at all

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you for watching, I appreciate it.

[@finaoo1167]

My son has ASD, and this took some getting used to. I realized early on that traditional discipline measures were not only ineffective, but counter productive.

[@pauldyson8098]

I was regularly disciplined physically (i..e, physically assaulted) because I "just never learned" to "do things the right way the first time." My parents still won't admit that what they did was wrong.

[@ADHDDude]

I'm sorry to hear that, it's often too painful for parents to admit that they did not handle things well, particularly when it comes to physical punishment.

[@ProudFatherofTwo]

You're not alone on that

[@TShirtAndReeboks]

Yes!! Being accountable!!

[@BrainneLewis-d1x]

Hi love your videos my daughter add ADHD thank you for your teaching bliss Amen

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you!

[@AndreaJ19715]

Punishment adverse, Lord have mercy. This is real

[@greyfox37]

I just turned 41 and my wife and sister and I live with a close friend of ours who just turned 31. I and her both have ADHD. I had struggles until my sophomore year in college. School was never an issue, friendships were. Once I developed a sense of humor and stopped taking crap from the "college adolescents," I eventually graduated, found great employment in IT, and have been married for 13.5 years. I still talk a lot, but my sister says "at least your passion makes it interesting." My friend, on the other hand, uses her ADHD as an excuse for her poor health. She doesn't take care of herself well, hygiene wise, diet wise, or sleep wise. She eats way too much sodium, doesn't drink enough water, doesn't bathe. When we've confronted her, she gets so defensive, lives in denial, cries, and tries to rationalize her choices. I felt like I was looking at myself in high school. She wonders now why I barely want to even hang out with her now and treat her as just a roommate now rather than a friend. I've taught her everything I know about coping, adapting, developing habits, etc. And when I'd praise her, she would use is as a way to just do bad habits elsewhere. It's sad and scary that an adult can still be a child like this. I know the thought process is different for us ADHDers, but I'm not even medicated and stopped medicating when I hit college and I gradually evolved step by step, year by year. She hasn't and I seriously just think she needs to be medicated and seek therapy. She refuses, which is no surprise. I blame her mother for the way she raised her (I've met her several times and she is a demanding self-centered ignorant nutjob), but it's still no excuse for carrying on such a poor cone of ignorance. I encourage all parents out there, if you notice the common signs of disinterest, boredom, impulse, and short attention span, get on track and raise your child well and proper with good morals and standards. Don't let them become my roommate.

[@ADHDDude]

An excellent point, thank you for sharing this.

[@yellowyosh470]

At some point people need to take responsibility for their own actions or they will never learn to cope with and grow with their struggles (whatever those struggles may be).

[@someonenew1617]

I think this is great advice for every child. I honestly believe punishment is never the way. I believe showing and explaining what consequences of actions are, is much more fruitful. I am a teacher (9-12 year olds) and whenever possible, I sit down with the kid(s) that ignored the rules or did something „bad“ and try to first find out why the ignoring / situation happened. Then I walk them through the consequences of their action(s), meaning how others might be affected and so on. I also ask them how they felt during their action (and why) and how they feel /felt once they realized what they did was wrong (if they realize at that point). I discuss with them other ways they could (re)act, if a similar situation will come up. In the end, I want them to tell me in their own words if and what they learned, how they would react if they could rewind the time and what their take away from our talk is. Most of the time this works.

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you so much for watching!

[@someonenew1617]

@@ADHDDude Thank you so much for creating this valuable content! I myself have ADHD (though the "silent" type) and always have a few ADHD kids in class. Needless to say, I love them just as much as the other kids. I always come to your videos for advice when I am lost. 😊

[@Corneelius]

That’s actually really sweet of you, most people just ignore them and then they get harsher and harsher punishments when they grow up.

[@itzkxydenyt]

Hi adhd dude I am a 13 year old going through a tough time like doing stuff i'm not supposed to do, not doing as i am told, etc this video really helps, so thanks!

[@ADHDDude]

Hey Kayden, thanks for watching!

[@ModestNeophyte]

As a child, spankings only pissed me off even more. What I absolutely hated though, and the thing that made me behave, was being forced to sit quietly and still right next to my mom, on the floor.

[@ADHDDude]

That makes complete sense, I would have felt the same way. That wasn't teaching you anything.

[@alexlee6487]

My mother would eavesdrop on me when I say something and it wouldn’t sit well with her and it agitated me more, this is why I have so much emotional issues

[@Buck_Bentley]

In 2015 when Silento was big his song would play all the time. My dad lodestar son at 5 years old loved to dance to it. About three years later he started to behave abnormally; it was concerning. My wife and brother-in-law decided the whip and nay nay him to said Silento track. My son has since then became an academic student and is playing baseball for his schools team. Soon he will be enlisted in the military and I could not be prouder of him; great video.

[@tocino4]

We used to live in a condominium with a swimming pool and playground, so I’d let my ADHD son loose in the pool or playground when he was getting into one of his moods. He’d be more reasonable after that and a shower. But we moved to a place without a pool and, due to covid, he wasnt going out as much for a few years. So we’ve been at laggerheads for quite a while until I recently discovered just telling him to stand at a corner with his arms up for as long as HE wants to stand…. His fury seems to wind down after a while, and I just need to do 15 min checks on whether he feels okay and ready to leave the corner. Afterwards, he’s often calm enough to finish whatever he was meant to be finishing. My husband asks me why I have him put his arms up, and I mentioned that otherwise, he just seems to find other ways to distract himself. What I find most interesting is that he finishes his school work and studying within 5-20 minutes because he’s got a high IQ, but his inertia and moods can make the pre-studying stage last hours. Once a teacher even called me letting me know my son had missed an entire exam, which we were very certain he would’ve aced otherwise. I hope and pray there’s a light at the end of this tunnel for my boy… What mother wouldn’t worry about her child’s possible inability to hold down a job, a loving relationship, or even to simply pursue a passion or a hobby?

[@theromanorder]

Im someone with relatively bad a.d.h.d but thanks to treatment its now at the mid level and only bad 30-50% of the time My mum did a lot of this

[@michaelandrade1213]

Wow, this is exactly correct. I never realized it. ... apparently, neither did my parents

[@ADHDDude]

That's very common,

[@retroman252]

Wow! I’m a father of two (5 year old girl and 3 year old boy). The boy is basically adhd. This thing about doing something nice for the other person (usually his sister and his mother) blow my mind! I use to punish him (spanking), in my baby girl this works but not in my baby boy. This video really got me and got to me a new perspective on this issue. I really appreciate this video. Thanks a lot!

[@ADHDDude]

You're welcome. I’m glad it was helpful.

[@QwonaC_33]

I need the whole video of this LORD!

[@resilientjourneys8117]

This sounds like good discipline advice for all kids😊

[@ADHDDude]

Yes, it is :)

[@YolandaSmith-zs1rl]

So true. Their immune to the punishment. They need to learn and understand why they did something wrong. Punishment is useless if you don't teach them for every action is a reaction. The world will chew you up and spit you out if you continue on a certain path. You need to learn from your mistakes and be apologetic and remorseful for forgiveness.

[@ADHDDude]

Yes

[@byrongardner9299]

The number of times I went without tv or video games as a punishment went right up until I left home

[@ana419]

As a WAY over-punished child, this is SO right on!

[@truthmerchant1]

Yup, weekly detentions never helped me to remember my homework 😐

[@ADHDDude]

I wouldn't expect them to :(

[@cochiefemeralds3616]

I didn’t have ADHD, but I have autism and I did grow up in a toxic household, which didn’t help the situation with homework. It was always a fight to get me to do homework because it was always too hard and when my mom would complain to the teacher, even though she’s a toxic person, then the teacher would just say she learned this or that in class, and she should already know that by now, but I kind of am slow at learning.

[@cochiefemeralds3616]

I had lunch detentions almost every day in first grade 4th and fifth grade. Third grade detention wasn’t so bad because it would only last for 15 minutes for most.

[@cavemancavemanog]

Medication has come a long way. It's been a blessing. Started half dose then slowly increased. Never even needed full dose.

[@MrDaRiAn21]

I really wish this was available to my mom back then. She has very little patience and didn’t give new things a try too long always resorting to physical punishment, so I was put on Ritalin, which made me depressed and overweight, but I learned that she too is ADHD, but won’t admit it, nor was she treated. But, she has no problem self diagnosing other people.

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you, and what you describe is even more common now then when you were growing up. A LOT of adults with their own mental health issues are self-diagnosing themselves.

[@beautifulrecovery2337]

My son has adhd and I just got diagnosed...at 34. 😅 This is amazing

[@ADHDDude]

Thanks so much for watching!

[@seancrist9538]

I wish my teachers and principal and dad had seen this back around 1980. The world was a very dark place, because it seemed that there was nothing in life but punishments. And so I lived in constant dread of what was going to happen next. I didn’t feel safe at home, and I didn’t feel safe at school. I’m not sure why it never occurred to them that punishments don’t seem to work with this kid. Finally, in the middle of winter, at the age of 12, I hitchhiked 200 miles away to try to escape.

[@ADHDDude]

I appreciate you sharing and watching this.

[@KevinFlory993]

I love the term "clean up".

[@ADHDDude]

Thanks for watching!

[@Ineversayanything]

What are some things that don’t have consequences in real life that should be ignored? My gut tells me you are right, but my head is struggling with what those things are.

[@ADHDDude]

Things like cursing, saying "shut up", etc.

[@Panda-od9uj]

My parents did consequences like less tv time or taking his game away for a week for always being on it and not doing chores and he got pissed and trashed the place. What do you do than

[@MaggieSue327]

getting desensitized to punishment is so true, my Sunday school class was full of ADHD boys, and they were constantly acting up, so parents were always called, however, nothing ever changed, because after a while, they didn't react to the threat of corporal punishment

[@ADHDDude]

I really hope no one was threating them with corporal punishment.

[@kirstinfulton7630]

I completely agree with the logic of tying actions in accountability to bad behaviors rather than unrelated punishments. It's training for the real world. I have loads of ways to exercise this in the home: break something = help fix it for example. But do you have any suggestions for when your young kid hurts friends, either as a 'justified' (to them) retaliation or from overzealous play? I feel like an apology is the first step, but maybe not enough. And sometimes even the apology is hard if my kid doesn't believe he's at fault.

[@ADHDDude]

So in Scaffolding Better Behavior I teach the concept of "clean ups" which is making amends to someone by doing a nice gesture for them or something thoughtful.

[@Gomilia]

Hi, I’m a kid with ADHD, and I would like some advice. Basically I often lie to my parents about things such as having learned for school, but I myself don’t really know why I do that, my parents keep punishing me for it by taking away my tablet and they sometimes also shout at me, telling me to respond, but how am I supposed to respond when even I don’t know? Don’t bring up them being bad parents, they are good, but it would simply be good to let this be solved

[@ADHDDude]

Hey - I definitely do not think your parents are bad parents. I think it would be helpful if you showed them this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oJikYYxopNmBqsU

[@Gomilia]

Thanks for the advice, I’ll do it later

[@Gomilia]

I just watched it by myself first and I think it actually even kinda helped me understand why I lie, so yea, thanks

[@her2968]

Honestly as a mom who had a child in her early teen years, my kid is now 10. She has been diagnosed with ADHD and it does seem far a punishment she doesn’t care. My mom and sister help raise her and we all talk to her and everything. Take things away from her and she still doesn’t seem to care. I need to look into things that’ll get her more active because it seems like she’s so focused on being disobedient. I’m currently in tears rn because I just don’t know what to do. It seems she wants to follow the wrong path every time. Will definitely try taking this approach.

[@ADHDDude]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/a5DGkHiVnpuClacsi=Fs-z9UrrgdK2DmaR

[@drewbeedoobeedooooooo4821]

Do you have any other examples of how to clean it up? When my girlfriends 3 year old is hitting due to frustration what should we do in that moment? Thanks!

[@ADHDDude]

This is not age-appropriate for a 3-year-old. They are too young to understand this concept.

[@tezcoproductions4403]

I kinda understand what your saying… thanks

[@ADHDDude]

thanks for watching!

[@Ericorsmth]

hi, i'm a kid with adhd who is currently grounded from my favorite video game until "i learn how to not be so impulsive." 1st off, they do feel like they're letting me down. They have listened to podcasts and videos, and here I am, trying to prove to myself my parents are doing something wrong. Do not mention anything about my parents "being bad people". They aren't bad people, but instead just people who don't know how to take care of me in the most proper way. The way I got grounded is by me making a joke in school that i shouldn't have done in school. I got a 2 day suspension and my parents were called. My mom was P I S S E D. She took away my favorite video game until i learnt how to pause, or until i'm able to move out. I don't know what to do, and fun fact; it was the 3rd time i've done that joke in my school career. She said to me; "3 strikes and you're out, that's how this goes." I was mad and grieving. I was as my parents would say, "overreacting." It's been 27 days since i've been grounded at the time of writing this. If my parents were to see this at all, I hope they could understand that punishments just make me more prone to do the same mistake over and over. I don't know what to do, and I want to not be grounded for a simple mistake. My family is filled with homebodies after all. What should I do to make them see what they're doing wrong, because they wouldn't believe a word I said, and they would think I was trying to get out of being grounded.

[@ADHDDude]

Hey Eric, I appreciate you reaching out. Why don't you show them these videos: 1. kzbin.info/www/bejne/d4ndmItjqJaNq80 2. kzbin.info/www/bejne/qqeQan1-q76jqpI Please tell your parents there are a lot of videos here that will help them understand how your brain works. Thanks, Ryan (ADHD Dude)

[@Ericorsmth]

@@ADHDDude Thanks man. I hope this will work.

[@ADHDDude]

I hope they watch them, thanks for reaching out.

[@Ericorsmth]

I haven't shown my parents this video yet, because I haven't built up the guts to do so. I'm scared that they'll yell at me for trying to correct them and take even more things away from me. I may do it tomorrow if I can build up the courage.

[@ADHDDude]

I think if they watch the video they'll see I'm not some random dude, I know what I'm talking about because ADHD is all I do. :)

[@aleccadena9061]

So with the “cleaning it up” method. When my daughter (4) is disrespectful towards her grandparents I typically tell her to apologize and give them a hug. Sometimes she will, sometimes she won’t. It’s usually when she doesn’t want to that I have to “threaten” a punishment like taking away games/movies/videos for the day if she doesn’t own up to how she treated someone. My question is what that method doesn’t work and I’m left just taking away privileges

[@ADHDDude]

At 4, "owning up" is a very abstract concept. Asking her to apologize is fine, I do not recommend making her hug anyone because that's sending her the message that she is not entitled to boundaries with her own body. I would suggest telling her that she needs to apologize when she's ready, and it needs to happen. Leave it at that without requring hugs.

[@aleccadena9061]

@@ADHDDude thank you for the advice!! I also struggle with ADHD and it’s hard to parent sometimes.

[@Dinadino994]

We tried the cleaning up afterwards, does not work :(

[@ADHDDude]

I don't know your child's age so I can't offer any suggestions but you may not be explaining the concept of a clean-up correctly, or asking it to be implemented correctly. This is why I devote an entire section to this in Scaffolding Better Behavior.

[@mofimTV]

This is not helpful to me because you are asking to ask the ADHD kid to "do" something but what about kids who plainly say no to any of the consequences as things to do???

[@ADHDDude]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/a5DGkHiVnpuClacsi=KIB3zXPAlaqJQFmF

[@DavidLockett-x4b]

I was ADHD as a kid, but I got the cane at school and that sorted me out OK. In fact all the ADHD kids at my school got the cane back in the 1950's, and we all went on to become upright citizens. Of course that was before the stupid internet arrived to make us all crazy.

[@lauriepolden6594]

The first thing I learned as my son grew, was consequences for your actions. There has to be consequences as a child of ADHD. He had these words instilled in him when he was just five he had to listen to these words over and over and over and over and over and over and he realized as he got older, there would always be consequences for his actions. He’s 32 now and he lives on his own with a job. He’s bought a house and a car and he realizes there will always be consequences for his actions so he is now responsible for them.

[@PropheticSoakingwithSarahJER]

Also look at what you can do to set “safe boundaries”..l set them up to win. If they’re impulsive don’t leave treats where they can find them, put a password on the screen.

[@StephenSmith-e6k]

Wanna know how i have ADHD? I have to watch this video again...

[@ADHDDude]

Nothing wrong with that!

[@ernestinatakyiwaa2677]

Is there a link to the correct website please

[@ADHDDude]

The websites in the video description are all correct but here it is: www.adhddudecourses.com

[@drmatarkin2100]

I believe in discipline. Not punishment!

[@EvanBateman1]

Im trying to find new ways to help my younger brother as he is getting into trouble a lot at school and at home there are a lot of arguments with our dad. My dad tries his absolute best to make sure my brother learns from his bad behaviour but nothing ever really changes and he continues doing bad things when he has been told not to. I think my dad could try the cleaning up technique and make sure my brother does something positive to counter the negative thing that has happened e.g. yelling at a teacher, maybe sending them an email or making a card for them to show he is sorry. But t’s difficult to get him to want to take accountability as he is 13 and for some reason he just keeps doing the same things over and over. We don’t know if it is his ADHD or just his hormones as he is just turned a teenager but it is getting very difficult for my dad to parent him as he is very rebellious and continues doing the same wrong things all the time. Keeps arguing with him. Always needs to be right and have the last word. Never takes no for an answer and even when there’s a reason, he will keep on pushing and says he doesn’t understand. I think it might be better if me and my dad (as i care for my brother too) look for different methods accountability and teaching, because the ones we have at the moment are clearly not working, and instead of blaming my brother, maybe we should try a different technique. Any advice would be great, thank you.

[@ADHDDude]

#1. You sound like a great brother, your brother is very lucky to have you. What you described is all common ADHD stuff. I suggest showing your Dad the playlist here that is designed for fathers: kzbin.info/aero/PLzmXDzfrSJcB9LRnF9TQzrsTUFtFpUgoz&si=ksLxrsi0ORUsY9Gt There's also the behavior playlist I think would be helpful: kzbin.info/aero/PLzmXDzfrSJcCaomxN3cm8-TLqi07_Wr8V&si=ur1EdPLqs_2r-lae I hope this helps. Please tell him that I'm a single dad as well.

[@cyberlord1922]

This explains a lot about me. Too bad my dad doesnt believe in the things people like you say.

[@ADHDDude]

You can always show him this video,... thanks for watching

[@franciscocabral5547]

Can you please let me know how to obtain a membership at your site? Thanks

[@ADHDDude]

www.adhddudecourses.com thank you

[@n451a]

My 11 year old ADHD daughter lies and steals frequently. Can you please advise on how to approach this. Thank you.

[@ADHDDude]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/a5DGkHiVnpuClacsi=mrrtlPjv74GAy6Cw kzbin.info/www/bejne/mnbMhoqMgrSrsJYsi=WmZrhcNgRb5Yx3AH

[@michellestewart8679]

I think many people that would say "don't punish" agree with your stance but would consider what you are talking about as "discipline" vs punishment. Thank you for clarifying what I was already thinking in many regards. Do you have any recommendations for when either adhd child simply gets ice/etc and doesn't seem to actually care when injuring sibling? Or when something nice is done (brought a popsicle) hurt sibling starts trying to get something (like a popsicle) every time even when it's not within parental boundaries? I hope that makes sense

[@ADHDDude]

Yes, please visit the Behavior playlist here.

[@bdpj11]

I am a kid and I really bad ADHD, and my friend still punish me

[@ADHDDude]

Sometimes kids are not understanding of ADHD at all because they were never taught about it. I'm sorry to hear that :(

[@lyaan6868]

I did not understand what you meant by cleaning. I have an 11-year-old daughter who is very tired, very nervous and stubborn. I do not know how to deal with her.

[@ADHDDude]

Please visit the "Behavior" playlist here at the channel, it will be helpful to you.

[@bettydasilva8264]

Seeking some suggestions My sons school has started to remove him from class earlier than the other children and sends him to the office before the home bell. The school has mentioned that he acts out occasionally towards the end of the day. My sons feels excluded and doesn’t understand why this is happening. Could you recommend a better plan for end of day that can still make my some comfortable He is 9 years old

[@ADHDDude]

I can't answer that with this little information.

[@danandlaundry]

I'm someone with ADHD and whenever my parents tried to punish me my behaviour just got worse

[@ADHDDude]

Hey Dan, that makes sense. I like your channel!

[@danandlaundry]

@@ADHDDude thanks

[@noreenbalfe2594]

Wish I knew this 20 years ago😢