Adult with Autism | Autism & Bereavement | 66

Losing someone you care about is never easy, whether you are Autistic or not. As this topic was requested, I wanted to share a personal story about loss, as well as a few differences relating to Autism that were encountered along the way.
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[@Wiggywoo1977]

He sounds like a one of a kind friend. I also love that you have your own Northern lights in the background.

[@Erik-the-Southern-Viking]

My Best Friend died 7 years ago: I helped carry his Coffin & gave the 'Big Speech' at his Funeral. I didn't hang around for the Neurotypical 'Reception' - I just slipped away Quietly. His son was Autistic, and it wasn't till a few years later I was diagnosed... there was always this unspoken 'connection' between us & he was one of the very few who 'Got me'.

[@Dogofjudah]

Thank you for having the brass to be so vulnerable online. My mate was recently diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer at 30. (They could have caught it at stage 3 perhaps stage 2, but 'covid') They went straight for chemo and then surgery and that crushed me the thought of losing such a close friend. Fortunately he went through the hoops with chemo which did nothing and in the end they resorted to the most abusive 'no holds barred' 'last ditch effort' treatment and the like, and he has made a recovery. That was March this year, but he never let it get him down, has put on a brave face when we visited him in the hospital. He was determined to be able to eat and drink without tubes and recover enough to enjoy the music festival we all go to. Which he did !! It was absolutely crushing to see him there though, he always had the biggest voice, the loudest personality, the centre of attention, the king of the party. But this year he couldn't speak, he couldn't shake up the neurodiverse conglomerate of socially awkward people he was practically a key component in creating. It was crippling to see his demeanour change from the first day where he I imagine thought "Fuck it I've had my voice box and half my throat removed but i'm still alive, I'll still make the most sound and fuck shit up", to three days in he looked really deflated, because in reality he had been so strong but having to constantly write text messages to people if they didn't understand the limited words he could say. He hit the realisation he'll never be able to be himself, he woke up the Saturday morning clearly defeated, practically in tears, because he felt such a fucking burden because everyone had to 'babysit and coddle' him as he put it. Words can't explain how crushed he clearly was, and he said to me "I wish I had died because this is no life". Absolutely killed me. But we all are like it's okay we are all here, most people wouldn't have attended a festival 2 weeks after being able to eat and drink again. We'll nail it next year. Long winded rant but felt the place for it. Your friend sounded similar, an absolute blessing to anyone who met him, and I couldn't even compute to feel your loss. Best autism creator on KZbin, none of that airy fairy "autism is amazing" nonsense which is fine if you're a woman in your early 30s... If I acted the same as them, I'd be literally fighting ignorance every day. Video suggestion, perhaps talk about how the UK justice system fails autistic people, how our 'social naivety' leads us into mate crimes etc, being scapegoated by shitty people, how the societal stigma/ misconception is we're all aggressive raging nutjobs, created by the same society that fails to provide adequate support to stop us from melting down. Perhaps How Autism is the only disability to get it's own 'act' in law, because society has failed to make reasonable adjustments, how the 2009 autism act is still failing autistic people as it is nothing more than smoke and mirrors, much like the equality and human rights act. Despite the hundreds of millions pounds supposedly invested on educating society and more so the UK justice system who are the most detrimental people to Autistic adults well being in the UK, especially men; because of their ignorance and ableism on top of being tarred with the brush 'all white middle aged men are sexual predators or violent yobs' mentality. I have a friend who is a sergeant, and that money gets used to chuck a few plod into a classroom for a few hours to 'teach them about neurodiversity and autistic people. meltdowns and how to deescalate the situation when faced with an autistic person having a meltdown" he told me it was mostly jokes, and taking the piss. A female colleague said "As if they can't do that, spastics" but apparently it's a more cut throat community than prisons, nobody likes a grass. Every body wants that pension. Is it any reason it take 4 of them to ohysically abuse a 14 year old for daring to make the observation one of them looked like her lesbian nan XD obviously they just have to give their bullshit apologies and all is well. How many apologies does i take to demonstrate a clear 0 fucks given policy within the police.. Sorry this ended up being a massive rant... Thanks again, I look forward to your next video :)

[@gregorleishman]

Thank you! This makes so much sense, I lost my partner and best friend, only managed to get my diagnosis after she wasn't here after 20years of fighting for it. 4 years on and it still breaks me. It is appreciated and comforting hearing another autistic adult speak about this 💜 The part about knowing the person and knowing what they would hate resonates so much.

[@sheila3348]

Man. I shouldn’t have listened to this while I’m at work, I’m sitting at my laptop trying not to tear up. Thank you for sharing this, it really resonated with me.

[@LeeTanczos]

It’s real isn’t it!

[@kookyrooster5615]

You made me smile, you made me cry. Thank you.

[@violastern9462]

Finally, someone speaks sense! I lost my brother & best friend in 2008.. Took ten years just to fully accept what has happened and step out of this warped state of feeling frozen in time while everyone else had moved on had kids, got married & moved away years prior. The fights I'd have with my sister & mother, they were neglectful & looked down on him while he was alive but once he passed played the woe is me game for attention.. they treated him like trash how could I not call out the hypocrisy?! 😠 I swear ppl like that are the absolute worse. Not spoken to them in many many years and have zero intention to do so ever again so I'm painted the "bad guy". Thank you so much for this video, i really needed to hear this 💗

[@SkeletalSculptor]

Heart-wrenchingly beautiful, thank you for addressing this topic. There was so much in your experience that made me think of specific aspects of the progression of loss of my beloved father (I am a serious “Daddy’s Girl”, and he died one week before my fourteenth birthday. Forty years ago, but still a painful void; as you said, how you cared about them then, is how you will always care about them). This video of yours spoke to my experience in so many ways that I couldn’t possibly hope to be coherent in trying to convey just how. So, I’ll just stick to another thank you...with the addition of stressing how sincere and heartfelt is my thanks.

[@SusanneKrantz-b4k]

I lost my sister, who was also my best friend 22 years ago. It still feels like it was yesterday. Thank you for sharing

[@mikkelkristensen2524]

I get it Paul, I lost one of my best friends in a motorcycle accident in 98 - 23 years old. I went to his funeral - one and only funeral I'll ever attend. I didnt even go to my grandparents funerals a year after. It's like you're made of glass and it shatters, and all you're left with is the broken pieces you'll somehow try and put together and it will always miss those pieces you could never mend. BUT you will always have the memories, thats a consolation atleast.

[@marisazammit6249]

Thanks for sharing this Paul. People not being genuine about things is just not on, especially around someone's passing. I respect what you did with the social media thing. You honored your best friend. he would be proud. Beautiful story, beautiful connection.

[@ThesilBmfm]

Thank you Paul, this is great. We almost feel like we knew him from the funny 'hello? are you there?' stuff you described. Nothing beats that humour of mocking how we've all probably been at some point but can see how ridiculous it is; applying it on purpose shines a light on it. I'd love someone to get that with me, but I'm always the one being 'random' and whoever it is, the comeback's always "hi so are we meeting up?" - which is _fine_ but the hilarity, the randomnity, the sheer absurdity of existence, and revelling in it: that's what it's all about. If "The Eternal Return" is right, you'll see him again: you just won't know about it, because every detail of your life will be the same over again, every detail and absolutely including that friendship: all of it, including not knowing he's giving you a holiday instead of changing how you see him. If there was ever a reason to say "yea" to life, a friendship like that is surely it. Note that as a side-effect you also made the kind of memorial most people would give their left testicle for. I'm so glad you exist: one of the most important voices in the scene. Thank you very much indeed for this.

[@mariagusman6949]

6.5 minutes in and I’m crying already. I love your videos, thank you for being you. Now to unpause and keep watching…

[@mj8745]

I have known an autistic guy for nearly 5 years. He’s cried to me when he lost his job. He’s done some things he shouldn’t have but I will always care about him because I know his struggles, I know he doesn’t have many people and I want to help him. This time never fades comment is so true , we haven’t been able to let go

[@LeeTanczos]

Thank you Paul for this talk. I really enjoyed it.

[@tlou77]

I am so glad that you could share such a deep friendship. It is truly rare to have such an unconditional relationship. I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend. My best friend and I would also talk for hours and hours and just laugh about the most ridiculous things. We just got each other. Unfortunately she passed 12 years ago and I can relate to so much that you have shared. I also became upset at the way some people carried on at her funeral. People who really didn’t know her at all. Some had even caused her great pain and then carried on as though they were really close. I was undiagnosed at the time but I never had a relationship with these people and called out the shitty and insincere behaviour. One particular narcissist thought it was a great opportunity to hand out her new EP and do a little impromptu performance at her wake. Mind you it had nothing to do with my friend at all and she would have been mortified! I will never have another connection like that. I am grateful that I had it for the 23 years. She was kind and caring and deeply empathetic. She accepted me for me even though I was not very popular, I guess due to my social awkwardness and bluntness which were traits she loved about me.

[@Sensory0verlord]

Thank you for this! Your friend was very lucky to have had you as a best friend. (And vice versa it sounds) I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my childhood best friend to a car accident at the age of 18, so I can somewhat relate.

[@pikmin4743]

I'm sorry that you lost such a special friend. I can't do funerals anymore

[@picturestoreage504]

Thank you. I couldn't watch, it's precisly the subject I need to deal with and precisely the wrong time to do it. I have saved your video to come back to when this present crisis has burned itself out. I am sure it will help.

[@sharnag6968]

New hear so thank you I needed this so much

[@thuggie1]

I get what you are meaning. After my father died of bowl cancer, I go over it in my. I even check if people are OK a lot. I swear I might have trauma, or I could be overreacting. I have never been good at processing my emotions. They are either on or off

[@andreasayers1525]

❤❤❤

[@redcupidbowlips3793]

❤❤❤💔😢❤❤❤

[@Barney_Greenway]

🤍

[@panthera50]

❤😢

[@lauraburystedmundsyoga8231]

💚