Adult with Autism | Can You Be Autistic and Happy? | 41

[@shawnaford5540]

I think I relate to being a strategic pessimist. This is a my happy space.

[@AdultwithAutism]

If there is a peaceful state to be had there, then that's all we need.

[@craygraydeb1916]

I've always considered myself an optimistic pessimist....

[@AdultwithAutism]

Haha, I'm more of an honest realist 👍🏻

[@craygraydeb1916]

When I have used 'honest realist' in the past the people in my life gave me grief or gaslighted me. I always got away better with the other...my masking went deep. I am slowly learning. Thanks for helping in my journey.

[@AdultwithAutism]

No problem 👍🏻

[@danielborlino]

Thankyou for reminding me that this "what is the point" feeling is just my poor mental health and it will pass... I just need to be free and do whatever Im feeling I need to do

[@AdultwithAutism]

It will pass, and always does eventually. Taking care of yourself, focusing on your wants and recharging are the most important. We can't be useful to others if we cannot first make sure we are okay 👍🏻

[@ChristianDall-p2j]

Never give out of selfLESSness, allways give out of selfFULLness! Fullfill YOUR needs first, and then fokus on meeting the other persons needs! And if you dont have all YOUR needs met, try to do something that meets both of YOUR needˋs!

[@ChristianDall-p2j]

#nvc

[@gnomenorthofthewall1982]

Mid video comment again. That is a thing that I've been never able to understand. Perhaps I take everything too literally, but if someone says something like "let's do this and that. Or that we should go here and there", I always automatically take it as they actually mean it. And a bit later I get back to them, and try to make the thing happen, they don't even know what I'm talking about

[@AdultwithAutism]

Absolutely. That has been a struggle under employers when they mention certain things, I just take it as gospel that it's happening. It never does, and when I remind them, they haven't a clue what I'm on about...but it's lived rent free in my head ever since they said it.

[@DarkDefenderGirl1989]

I don't ever think I can ever be happy the same as other people but I can be content with my life.

[@AdultwithAutism]

Contentment to me is far more important. It wards away the expectation others have on you to live via their design.

[@bryanmerton5153]

Hi Paul, really interesting to hear some back story. I think happiness is a state of being that cannot be maintained. I have great moments of happiness but contentment is my goal as well. I have ups and downs in my life, probably more downs then the average person, but most of the time I am content. Funny thing is I just looked up content and the definition is: adjective, in a peaceful state of happiness! So maybe what I define as happiness when I have those ups is maybe joy or exhilaration. So maybe your “contentment” is actually, a peaceful state of happiness😀. It is weird that my thoughts for the beginning of this comment have changed but I am going to leave it as is! Awesome video! Have an amazing weekend!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Hey Bryan. Yep, it's all about how we interpret the state we want and how best to achieve it. Maybe I resonate with the 'peaceful state' part more than the happiness! The point I try to make is that we all have to find what works, and do what we can to achieve it. No one can give it to you without first knowing what it is to look for 👍🏻 Hope all is well your end.

[@Wiggywoo1977]

I find change no matter how small very stressful and it takes me awhile to readjust.

[@remygallardo7364]

I like to think that an autistic person would be a good candidate for immortality and actually maintaining a healthy mindset over the eons because of the propensity to find a balance and maintain an ecosystem around themselves when they are given the control and space to self care. I've actually asked some of my friends that hypothetically if they were immortal do they think they could last mentally and when they seriously consider it most of them don't think they could. I agree that contentment is a great goal. It is definitely mine for much the same reasons as you. I control what I can and try my best to live in the moment and leave what is out of control to limbo. I've been a member of a class action lawsuit for going on 6 years now which has kept my financial situation in that limbo zone this entire time wondering if I'm going to be in debt for most of my adult life or if I'll overnight be able to pay off most of my debt and suddenly be middle class. I survive by just ignoring it and enjoying what hobbies I have, making time for them and if I have the energy to engage in them I do. But as you acknowledge bad days happen, and that is fine. I tracked my emotional health in a journal for a while and found that when I was most content I was just sort of neutral emotionally. Too much happiness is exhausting, just as is too much sadness or anger. Life was always the most comfortable on the average days and I try to make that the most common type of day I have.

[@AdultwithAutism]

Hope the lawsuit goes well, can't imagine it is relaxing having that go on for that amount of time! Made me laugh that scenario...take an Autistic and non Autistic person, make them immortal...who would tap out first! 😂

[@jarmoliebrand2005]

What I think brings me the most happiness are the select few people close to me and my special interests. Especially when I make tangible progress on them.

[@lizardme88]

What a great topic. My roommate seems more moody than happy.

[@PlanetZhooZhoo]

That, Paul, would make a most fantastic Ted talk. I knew you were going to say contentment as that was the word I was thinking of. I guess it comes once your personal hierarchy of needs is subconsciously mapped out and satisfied.

[@AdultwithAutism]

That's it. I keep me and my needs simple, it's easier to achieve and...why not? I could reach for the stars and not realise I cannot breathe in space! Keep it simple, keep it honest, remember you're important too, and it'll sort itself out.

[@karenw8722]

I feel like this is the 'happiest' you've ever presented in a video. You seem downright giddy! 😊 Summer thunderstorms are my favorite emotion...lol!

[@AdultwithAutism]

I'm in a good place at the minute. Understanding employers have made the difference that was missing! Long may it continue.

[@karenyendall7511]

Hi Paul 👋🏾 thanks so much for sharing your experience. I'm a late self-identified female (59) and live in a caravan because I have never managed to feel sane, happy or even at home, occupying a house. I share your experience of trying to find both myself, and my happiness, in other people and situations. You're absolutely right, chasing happiness is a road to nowhere, contentment, no drama or commotion, is really where it's at. Thanks again for bringing the voice of reason and hard won deep wisdom 🙏🏾

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you

[@RiFFRAPTOR]

This video was great, thank you man. It elucidated contentment over happiness in a way many others have failed to do, to me personally. This has been helpful!

[@moroporo4785]

This way of thinking reminds me of my own when I’m in a good mood :) But then I get depressed and disregulated, and all of it stops working… I wish it didn’t. The sadest part is so it does for you, Paul. We don’t belong here. But I’m glad we do have at least some moments when we are able to convince ourself that we deserve some happiness too.

[@SweetiePieTweety]

Great video Paul! The satisfaction of achieving the wisdom (and continent with what you make of things) that can only come with hindsight makes living another day, another month, another year even if currently not in a “happiness state” an entertain-able endeavor. Dubbing you Mr. Snuggly PJ Caravan in the Rain Man 😂

[@AdultwithAutism]

Haha, there are rappers out there with worse names than that, so I'll take it.

[@matthewburrell9475]

Hello/ Y'Alright Just started watching your videos and started with the oldest one first, logically, and then I got to this one and I felt I needed to comment. I was gong to wait until I had got up to date but I just can't help myself. For context I'm in my early 50's and was diagnosed ASC at 46 after many many years of mental health issues. Following the diagnoses I was retired on ill health grounds (from the civil service) and have felt bereft ever since, though more aware of who I am and how/why I do the things I do. With an awful lot of your videos I have found myself nodding along and agreeing with what you say, recognising myself (my responses, behaviours, actions) in your stories, taking comfort that it is not just me. In many ways it is like looking into a mirror and seeing someone else tell my story and that allows me to see behind my own mask, if that makes sense. It is as if I can get behind the mirror. On this one, more so than most of the others, I found myself getting really upset. Obviously this is my perspective from a single watching of the video and I may have got it wrong, just my opinion as you like to say! It is also not meant as any criticism of you, but my reaction to the video and what it stirred up within me. What upset me was the impression that as long as you were not being bullied/abused or put through sensory hell then that was good enough, you would be content, which one then equates with being happy. I entirely understand where you are coming from and I have been working on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (as well as some basic Buddhist principles) to try and be more content with the way and I am and how I fit into the world, to stop trying to change everything. This has helped a lot and I am no longer pretending I am 'normal' or that I can do 'normal' things without consequences: a lot of insight and learning has taken place! Whist the contentment this brings is better, I cannot let go of the gut feel that being free from suffering is not the same as being happy. Part of me (a very tiny part!) has not been sufficiently beaten down to let go of the prosect of some happiness or joy being part of my existence. The problem is the things that used to bring me joy/happiness always came with consequences e.g. being with friends, being at work. What I have not been able to do over the 5 years since diagnosis is find new things that bring me joy, I just seem to find more and more I cannot do, my world gets ever smaller. I found hearing you talk in this video allowed me to access that part of me that was angry and upset at no longer being happy, something that I had not been able to see before, so for that I am very grateful. Suddenly I have run out of steam ... maybe there will be a part 2 to my comment, maybe not! Again, thanks for the content, it really helps.

[@AdultwithAutism]

Hi Matthew, thanks for the comment. And I get it, with what you say. I have to find my contentment in amongst living in a world I don't fit into. I unfortunately don't have the freedom to live as I want to, so I have to try and find what I need.. pretty much like sifting through the rubble to find something that survived, rather than having something suitable from the start.

[@cristobaljavier]

Listened to this on Spotify but had to come here to comment. Thanks for sharing, that was a powerful talk.

[@AdultwithAutism]

No worries, thanks for coming over 👍🏻

[@jasonclarke7422]

I don’t know if I am less happy than any of the people I know, and once I had been diagnosed with autism a lot of things fell into place like why I went through spells of depression and anxiety which I have been lucky enough to be able hide and still just about function ,but the black dog that Churchill used to call it is never far away, but now I know the cause it helps me take more control of it.and I will tell myself that it’s the ASD messing with me.

[@AdultwithAutism]

I get that, the diagnoses helped me for the same reason too. I know there is a contributing reason why I might wake up some days and feel like the wind has been knocked out of me before I've even done anything.

[@jarmoliebrand2005]

Answer to the video title: Yes But the fact this is even a title to a video speaks volumes.

[@SartorialisticSavage65]

Amazing video. That's why I say my version of "I'm alright" is different than everyone else's.

[@AdultwithAutism]

I can relate to that!

[@harrytheaker]

Hi Paul, new to your channel I'm enjoying catching up with some of your vids. Couldn't agree more, happiness being subject to change just like everything else, comes and goes doesn't it. I can appreciate the happy state as and when it arises, but I don't feel like there's something wrong if I'm not happy. I think you referred to that mentality as being unsustainable. The idea that happiness is something to be strived for and maintained is a huge obstacle to actually finding peace and contentment within. By creating safety for myself, I can settle, feel calm and appreciate life at my own pace which brings the sweet presence of contentment. The more I'm able to to value my own autonomy and self reliance, the Bassline of contentment becomes more amplified and stable.

[@Cantunknowwhatyouknow]

Hi Paul, I've watched quite a few videos now and this one for me created the most reflection of my past. I really enjoyed your relatable anecdotes and the nuances within your experiences, as it really does set off memory's within me that now make so much sense and has given me a lot of food for thought this manic Monday morning, and the mayhem that is teenagers, while I listen as I wash the dishes... 😂 I liked the part where you said 'I'm really glad I didn't listen to me' in reference to have not having kids 😂 Trust me, I question my choice most days at the moment... 😉 but again, great video, very honest, and I think the moral of the story is, as you've put it so well, is that happiness has to come from within and we don't need to follow the herd to find it and contentment is bloody great. Happiness has a bigger, double edged sword, as there's a bigger contrast when the shit hits the fan when the priorities aren't maybe as simple as they could be x

[@wickjezek5093]

Content & secure is superior to "happy"

[@AdultwithAutism]

Sure is 👍🏻

[@gotobassmsn]

People that use other people, is a narcissist. And you don't need that kind of pertain you're life, even as a coworker.

[@nicolesteele6141]

This is amazing! This helped me mentally and blow my mind in some ways. I appreciate you sharing your voice and story as it helps me carry on in this life. Thank you!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you, and glad it helped 👍🏻

[@Marie-1901]

So sorry about the terrible heat. Thinking about all the people in the UK and Europe who don’t have a/c. And particularly anyone with heat sensory issues. This must be extra hard for you 😣

[@AdultwithAutism]

It is tough. I bought a portable AC unit for the animals as they were very grumpy, especially in 38 degrees! The unit helped them a lot, so worth it. I ended up working away and the hotel didn't have any AC either, needless to say, sleep wasn't had!

[@ahalahana2406]

Thank you for another really thought provoking video! I knew you were going to say "contentment". I could really relate to what you were saying about being in your late 20s and being fixed up by friends. No marriage or children for me. I did feel under pressure from others and briefly wondered whether i should go down that route. So glad i never did. I even got accused by so called friends of having a problem with commitment. I always gave 110% at work and always in supporting roles. Constantly used and exploited. The light bulb moment didnt occur until my late forties. Better late than never!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Better late than never indeed!

[@fantasticmiracles]

You got this right. Happy is being fully oneself in each moment and expressing one’s Autistic traits!

[@AdultwithAutism]

👍🏻

[@smicketysmoo]

Great topic, as always. Very thought provoking. Resonated with your experiences of 20's -30's. My answer was to leave UK and try NL, (this was when it was easy - unlike now), but now realise that this was just further masking for my undiagnosed self. Easier to hide amongst foreigners. Didn't solve the issues ultimately, but definitely wouldn't move back - and that's got nothing to do with the present weather, that is the same here. 🥵 Personally, have felt moments of happiness, but extended contentment seems elusive still. Maybe the recent dx will help me reach that, but will take further work/therapy/self-acceptance. You didn't go much into your childhood/teens, but mine was not fun (as is common for many autists - not claiming anything exceptional), and that laid the groundwork for much of life that followed, and that time also instilled the toxic ideas about being that the allistic world does. Leading to shame and worse. I am seriously impressed with your level of self acceptance and the contentment that it seems to brings you. I hope to reach something similar someday. Perhaps time from dx will help. Still quite raw and immediate. On a side note - who likes going to the Dentist (apart from Bill Murray in Little Shop of Horrors)? But also have dental issues/fear - I also grew up in UK (we are a stereotype to americans) and have a dislike of someone sticking their hand in my mouth and creating weird sounds/pain, and lets not mention that bloody light! Have a good weekend, sleep well as you can and good luck with Monday/Tuesday. Scotland should be better for heat.

[@AdultwithAutism]

I know what you mean, part of why I worked away when I was in my 20s was to be in a different place surrounded by different people, so outside of the set friends, no one got to know me which made it easier. I didn't include childhood as I don't see that as any basis for how I am today as I became more conscious of being different as a teenager. But then I lived under someone's care and went to school under their care, so I was trying to be relevant to when things became my choice. I should have been more clear! Self acceptance is brought to the front not through much conscious effort, more through my mindset of needing pragmatism and to engineer the process for the answer...in everything I do. It applies to work and personal life. I think by proxy, its helped me try to figure me out along the way as I'm very fixated on being able to provide an answer for everything I do whether it be positive or negative 👍🏻

[@Hugni81]

Thanks mate, a bit heavy for me so im going to keep coming back to this vid.

[@fabiana-dep]

you really touched my heart...Your story is similar to mine. Thank you for sharing! New subscriber

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you, and glad you're here 👍🏻

[@cdawg9218]

As an 'on the road to diagnosis' woman at 33 this was the most real and relevant advice I could have ever heard. I can live with contentment, thank you for a realistic dose of hope ❤ (as a side note I've been watching some of your content and thank you for your honesty, not too many people seem understand the frustration of needing to stiff upper lip it through employment and obligation to hold onto a home and or family that brings you just enough joy, rest and regulation to get through another week.)

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you, and I'm glad you can relate too. It matters 👍🏻

[@FreeLee123]

I am just figuring these things out now in my 40’s. I enjoyed your video, thank you for posting it.

[@AdultwithAutism]

No problem 👍🏻

[@robertj6182]

This definitely resonates with me 100%. You are a pleasure to listen to. You give me much inspiration to find my own way to be content. That made so much sense to me. My birthday present to myself is binge watching your videos. Appreciate you Paul.

[@lasticonoclast]

Thanks for another great presentation. I've been working my way through all of your videos after the KZbin algorithm recommended this channel last week. Your comment about taking care of oneself truly resonated with me. It took until my late 50s to realize it, as I was always too busy looking after my wife, kids, friends, co-workers and staff. It was after COVID struck and I became stuck working from home that I first realized I was autistic. From there, I began to reflect on the things that were causing me stress, depression and grief. Could eliminating them bring happiness? There was only one way to find out. While I wish I had your calm ability to compartmentalize that aspect of life that can destroy joy, my autism is rather severe. My emotions are too easily triggered with all its consequences. Retirement was the only path forward. So after working 70 hour weeks non-stop for 35 years, I called it a career last year at the age of 60. I would avoid people, keep my own schedule, and only do the things I wanted to do. I now spend my time just with the spouse and dogs, exploring nature, indulging in hobbies, learning, and focusing on exercise and diet. It has brought about that inner peace that was missing from my life. I still need to avoid crowds, and interacting with certain types of people can still upset me, but I've never felt this content. I can now focus on being the best version of myself. And so the journey continues. 🙂

[@AdultwithAutism]

Best of luck on the journey!

[@carolynkurtz6328]

Thanks!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you. Greatly appreciated.

[@renovareuk]

your masking you're true you! release the beast and maybe write out a diary so it escapes......be happy in your own skin and don't care what others think of you, people with autism are kings without castles and land and you need to build your fortress and castle so your safe from others who in time will attack your safe place. only a few of us use our true gifts

[@AdultwithAutism]

Unfortunately it isn't an easy thing to do for me at all, even with people who know me best. Maybe I could do a video on it to try to figure out why I cannot unmask.

[@noaht3087]

This was/is so powerful for me. I'm pretty new with this channel but I think I identify more with this channel way more than most. 🤷‍♂️

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you 👍🏻

[@Joshdifferent]

Very relatable 💯🗣️‼️ Great video

[@mloveleigh]

THE NUMBERS ARE HELPING !!! thankyou!!!! its soo good for my brain

[@AdultwithAutism]

Glad the numbers help

[@sunnylight5753]

I’m Good Right now, Thnx Paul. I wish you the BEST as Well 😊 I can relate as a Female to what your saying. I was so Exhausted by what other females were saying to me to the point the lines started getting buried to Who I Am. Until the pandemic hit. I thought to myself. STOP! Multiple things shifted in my life between 2008 through 2023 to a point I Grew as I grieved. I used to talk to people the way they spoke to me just to fit in. For What! To live my life to their standards, NO Thnx. Life isn’t easier but it a little more adjustable for me at times. I needed to hear this today. I’m dealing w/ RTS but found a few friends that have taught & helped me a lot. (I’m Not against people that believe in what helps them get through in *heir Life’s*. Do What is BEST for You w/ out hurting others. CoExist☮️)

[@AdultwithAutism]

Glad it was useful to listen to. I try to do videos where it is related to Autism, and not male/female etc, as we know what it feels like to be alienated 👍🏻

[@Broken_robot1986]

Great video, I've never been married and i went bald at 25!

[@vanceatomik9110]

At 47 … so many damaged relationships … yeah, finding this out now does kinda suck. and kinda not. now life makes SO many ch more sense.

[@AdultwithAutism]

When things make sense, at least it provides answers for things from our past that we never had answers for before 👍🏻

[@profilingmanipulation]

Great video, tysm 🥰

[@P1CH0W]

Be autistic! Not someone with autism. Autistic minds are beautiful, you do you, move away from fear and be yourself, don’t be afraid to rock the boat, and neuroqueer all the way to the grave! That will lead you to autistic joy!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Nope. I am a person with Autism...as Autism is not everything that I am. And as it is an individual difference, we should never be pressured by others to refer to it any other way than we want to over said difference. Also not queer, just different. All the best.

[@Smyrna37]

You and bas matty as in the rice. They are good nick names

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thinking of rice makes me hungry for curry now 😂

[@artisticautistic9664]

🤔 I have been happy before. But I certainly don't see happiness as the ultimate emotion. It's alright, I guess. But I believe that emotion that I feel that I can only call Truth is the ultimate one.

[@AdultwithAutism]

All I've wanted is to find a job where when I finish on a Friday, and I don't think about it all weekend until the Monday morning rolls around. It would be a different world if everyone was forced to be truthful. It would be interesting to watch from a distance.

[@artisticautistic9664]

@@AdultwithAutism I find it weird that everyone acts like happiness is just the bees knees. There are myriad other emotions. Why do I have to be happy all of the time? Happiness is overrated.

[@AdultwithAutism]

I think you need a lot of emotions to line up to tick that happiness box, a lot of those things are out of your control.

[@artisticautistic9664]

@@AdultwithAutism good point

[@michelleettienne7103]

Great talk

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thanks 👍🏻

[@SartorialisticSavage65]

I have autism and it's extremely hard to be happy lol

[@AdultwithAutism]

True story! Especially in this crazy world!

[@SartorialisticSavage65]

@@AdultwithAutism indeed my brother! But I have a suspicion that the world is starting to get a little better at least on the everyday level. It was straight stupid for a bit there but now people are waking up a lil more. Being grateful for the little things.

[@AdultwithAutism]

I only aim for the little things, they're more exclusive! 👍🏻

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

Thats easy... No. Goth Bosch Incarnate March 1965 to March 19th,2029

[@panthera50]

But what did you do with your grief ? Because it has been een deep loss of things.....

[@AdultwithAutism]

I can't do anything about what has happened. I have to focus on what I can change and not what has happened. I can only use what has happened as lessons and move forward...otherwise the only person it will continue to affect is me.

[@panthera50]

@@AdultwithAutism That is very wise. ;-)

[@wuisquil]

You have a cool beard

[@SarahDale111]

I would beg to differ that happiness ever goes away. Our inherent nature is peace, love and happiness. Sat Chit Ananda. It simply becomes covered up by all the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, judgments, situations, interactions, etc. that we experience. We are taught from the start that we are a finite, limited character in a world of impermanence, and that happiness is something which must be pursued. If we do find something that seems to bring happiness, it never lasts. We can't ever count on finding happiness "out there". If something does seem to bring us happiness, it isn't the thing, but the cessation of the search for happiness that brings us back to happiness. If we spend more time identifying as the awareness in which all experiences appear, we start to see that the awareness is the only unchanging, ever-present, unlimited "thing" there is. We were taught to take ourselves to be the body and the thoughts and the character, and not the awareness in which all of those things appears. Rupert Spira has book called You Are the Happiness You Seek: Uncovering the Awareness of Being. I haven't read it, but he is one of the clearest speakers on nonduality I have come across. He's got oodles of videos on here. I was miserable. For 20 years I was seriously (sometimes suicidally) depressed, and used and abused alcohol to cope. I wasn't at all in my right mind. It took a paradigm shift in perspective to get clean and clear. Now I know that if I am not happy, I am completely responsible for having buried my happiness under piles of mental rubbish. It usually has something to do with shoulds and shouldn'ts and generally having an argument with what is. It's by far the hardest habit to break! I'm not talking about repressing or denying the full range of human emotion, either. Gotta let those energies move through!

[@SarahDale111]

Also, I love that you love rain! I've always wished I could live in England or Seattle...somewhere with lots of overcast days, drizzle and rain. Here I am in hot and sunny Southern Ontario. It is soooo harsh on the senses! ☀️🌞☀️😎☀️🌞☀️

[@AdultwithAutism]

That's far more depth than I can muster. Give me comfy pj's, snacks and some wrestling, and I'm content with that. All I've done through the years is learnt that for me, the best method is to split life in two...what I can, and what I can't control. And try to shift as much balance over to the control side for my interest, and try to make myself better. And you wouldn't want to live in England even I don't! Plus it's going to be 40 degrees on Monday and Tuesday so no sight of rain! I'll be working in Scotland so get to avoid it thankfully. Now that's a decent place to live 👍🏻

[@SarahDale111]

@@AdultwithAutism Well, if you're content, I'm content! 😊 I think a lot of what comes through in my comments is to remind myself, more than anything. (Lord knows I need all the help I can get.) Personally, I can't think of a single thing that I am in control of, so I have no choice but to go deep. Either I let it all wash over me like waves on the ocean, or I drown. Scotland...even better...I come from the clan Buchanan!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Washing over sounds much better! Scotland isn't getting affected by the coming heatwave, so I'll be driving out early to hopefully avoid it...with a cool box full of water and snacks just in case!

[@SarahDale111]

@@AdultwithAutism I know you're good with contentment, but I'm still gonna say...happy travels! 😊