Being Blunt (and how not to be)... Autism & Relationships 6

[@Autistamatic]

This is a technique I used a great deal in public-facing positions I've held in the past. It works very well in most circumstances. If you'd like more "social principles" content in the future, please let me know in the comments.

[@1337flite]

Its so true. I wish people would just tell me what they think and what they want. To talk to me the way I would like to be able to talk to them.

[@noblestsavage1742]

When someone asks me something I will give them a choice; “do you want a sugar coated socially acceptable response or would you prefer my honest opinion?” They only get wrong once and then they’ll choose the sugar coated responses in future. Works really well😉

[@LilChuunosuke]

Unfortunately a lot of the NTs that walk in and out of my life will consistently keep demanding they "obviously" want the truth, then complain about my harsh delivery and lack of care for their feelings despite the fact they chose how I would answer. I've had to start sugarcoating nts by default.

[@noblestsavage1742]

@@LilChuunosuke to be honest i dont care enough anymore

[@GygyMy]

Thank you very much. It is very well explained. I like it! It's clear and allows us to stay true to our opinions (which is sacred). However, it seems to require a lot of energy, patience and time to do this...and I'm not sure I can do this every time with every person... people like to talk so much! It's exhausting. I will try.

[@kohakuhunter]

I think this is helpful advice for professional and superficial relationships. Over the years, I've come to notice that most of my close friends (that I believe are NT) appreciate honesty rather than these beating-around-the-bush sugar-coated answers and can be quite blunt/honest themselves. In fact, the ability to be honest with each other can be an indication of how tight your bond is. However, it doesn't apply to all matters so it's difficult to know when to draw the line - almost like you have to know the other person's triggers and touchy subjects.

[@silverriver7866]

Great job! This process you described comes naturally to many of us. Thanks for teaching those of us who don’t how to explore the context before talking.

[@MeepGenesis]

Thank you for this video. It is excellent and it was delightful too. To try and help people understand me, I've described myself as "intense" because it feels less nonchalant than "blunt". Like, I want to own my behaviour but still give the them a friendly warning. I think, particularly when I'm upset, I sound more upset than I am usually because of how I communicate, which sometimes leads to others using it against me to invalidate what feelings I did have. It is disheartening often.

[@Polytunnel]

This is more difficult for me since I have "selective mutism" and my "shield" is silence. As Thumper says, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." (I often take the words of cartoon animals to heart.) My family made sure I am polite in social situations, but I am often disinclined to talk. (From the bad experiences we often meet, I chose to self-isolate, unless I was expected/encouraged to join in.) Unfortunately, silence has its disadvantages. My ability to speak varies from person to person; situation to situation, of course, but I am hoping this series will help build better bridges. Thank you again.

[@Autistamatic]

I always look forward to your comments Rowena 💜 They open a window into our world some don't see. Obviously techniques like this can only be put into practice if we are vocal at the time, but they play a part in a broader view of improving communication. The aim of this series is to help both Autistic & non-autistic people understand how to make small, incremental changes to facilitate better communication and enjoy more fruitful relationships as a result. The hope is that as more people get to watch these, learn about themselves and "the other side", we will be able to reduce the stresses on all parties. If we succeed even partially then stress reactions such as becoming mute will hopefully be less frequent as people learn to make allowances for the differences between neurotypes. If the people around you can learn to be more accommodating of the ways we differ from their expectations, the easier it is for us to meet some of them. Currently that's a privilege few of us enjoy, but we'll keep on working to make it the norm rather than the exception.

[@KarolaTea]

Really interesting and useful strategy, thank you! :)

[@felixwallace5041]

this has been a problem my whole life, i only just was diagnosed in December at age 30, thank you!

[@Space_Princess]

I would have said "Its very psychedelic and roainbowy. I love it but it might not be the best thing for the work place" I say these kind of things a lot and gets me in trouble. Thank you for this video

[@paularunslondon]

Hi there! I'm NT, and this is just my opinion, but I don't think it counts as manipulation. Normally manipulation is when someone is trying to get something from the other person. Adjusting the way we communicate so as not to hurt others is showing empathy (even if it doesn't come naturally to you), which is a good thing. You're not gaining anything by doing it, so it's not manipulation. I hope that helps :)

[@Space_Princess]

@@paularunslondon thank you, this really helps. I'm constantly trying to find ways to improve the way I show compassion and empathy towards others. I'm just glad it's not seen as manipulation because I've been told i manipulate by a family member for years as I'm apparently pulling the wool over everybody's eyes to be look as though I'm an angel. So I got confused but your response has helped me a lot 🙏🏻 I thank you ❤️ it's nice seeing another's perspective because it helps broaden my mind and perspective to other possibilities of knowledge and ways of being

[@mrsm6727]

Fantastic as always! Spot on and really enjoyed the humour 😊

[@Autistamatic]

This one was fun. My inner 80's nerd really enjoyed it 😂

[@vancouvercameracyclist5109]

Another thing we could try to avoid being blunt is to say things in a half-full manner as opposed to a half-empty manner. Both are true but the first one is framed positively. There are also tone analyzers that you can download to help you proofread and practice. This is something I'm working on. Has anyone here done it before and if so, how did it go?

[@nvdawahyaify]

Thank you for making this video. I keep trying to tell people that they don't have to be cruel to be blunt and honest. In the example you give of the suit, i would tell my friend that its not my cup of tea, but that whether they like it is more important. Also it's not dishonesty to end our statements early and leave out our negative thoughts about something. Instead of saying it looks ridiculous, just saying "it's not my cup of tea" is a much better option. I'm an autistic man, and I work really hard to speak kindly to others while still being honest. Its called having tact. I want people to speak honestly with me, but I have been the recipient of cruel speech my whole life. I know how it feels to be told something in a way that hurts, so I don't do it to others. If one can deliver the truth to someone in a way that hurts or a way that doesn't, the way that doesn't is always better. An example of doing it wrong that I heard from another autistic person was, "when my friends call me, I tell them talking to you feels like a chore." Then they went on to say "when what i mean is i don't have the energy to talk right now." They knew the less cruel way to convey the information, but chose the cruel way anyway. And used "I'm autistic and just being blunt" as an excuse for cruelty. In the situation there, just say "i don't have the energy to talk".

[@nate2838]

You keep mentioning that the blame can't be laid at your feet. If there is anything i've learned about normal people its that they usually blame the people around them rather than themselves, regardless of how little sense it would make to do so. Put another way, normal people are not fans of logic. They often don't care about facts. They often just want the outside world to match what they have in their heads, and if something doesn't match, they need to blame someone, and it isn't themselves.

[@robertjohnburton9775]

I can put both feet in my mouth. When people are really rude to me I can hit back with words that end contacts like a tsunami. The suit is great & fashionable. My mouth tends to be zipped by sadness these days.

[@daryayermokhina9232]

Watching this video made me think I have a trauma from sugarcoating experienced in different relationships with NTs, cause my emotional response to “protecting Nigel’s emotions” was “what the f*ing lies🤯”. I automatically put myself into a Nigel’s place and those words felt as manipulation, because “Who are you, to decide what and how I must feel?! Those emotions are mine, get your hands away from them!” Looks like the constant denial of my emotions by others to the extent where I merely felt anything and then me recovering those emotions step by step through enormous pain has led me to anticipating any sort of sugarcoating. At least now I have a sort of explanation why NTs do so and why for me that hurts so much.

[@kielopolen1245]

I just lost one of my best friends recently because I'm still struggling to think before I speak and reconstruct better what I'm truly trying to say without creating unintentional social-norm offense..

[@isntJen]

I needed this. Very helpful for me! I have always said that I lacked a “filter.” Perhaps a bit more honest than I should be. Having some tact would be to my benefit.

[@RaunienTheFirst]

I dunno, it still seems a bit two-faced. Especially that line about how you couldn't pull off the suit like Nigel can. Sounds like a cliché line from a teen drama. But maybe I'm just looking at it from the perspective of me-as-Nigel, and *I* would always prefer direct honesty (although a simple one sentence answer will do).

[@er6730]

It does strike a bit of a strained note, but if I were Nigel and heard that, I'd take that as "it's not his preference" but without feeling insulted because he's clearly trying to avoid hurting my feelings.

[@dahrunriver2924]

Relationships require a lot of patience. Sometimes people are so eager to get to something else that they are rushing to do that we aren’t willing to put the work in.

[@kyleethekelt]

This sounds like a similar technique to what they try to teach in Toastmasters International when they peer evaluate one another's performance - which they do constantly. I found this very hard work because, so much of the ttime, what I wanted to say was 'that was dreadful'. The hardest part for me was trying to either cope with or teach people that the honesty part was as important as not hurting someone's feelings. the trick with good evaluation is to do both; you're trying to help your peer, so nothing would be gained by simply making them feel good without letting them know where and how they might improve. Don't know whether I could do this for everyone for all my life, though. It was hard enough work learning to do it in this controlled environment. (Sighs ruefully). In the same way, I expect honesty from those closest to me, so that when they give me white lies they don't understand why I get annoyed or upset. They may be trying to protect or soothe when all I want is the truth. (Further sighs rueflly). Thank you so much for all your work. You take all the guess work and angst out of learning all this stuff.)

[@Autistamatic]

I was once asked to define the difference between telling a white lie and tact. I answered that a whilst a white lie hides an uncomfortable truth behind a shaky barrier, a truth delivered tactfully may not seem so formidable as to need hiding at all. Thank you too for all your feedback.

[@kylejuve5494]

Glass half empty or full? Depends on the first derivative.

[@bradrasmussen7297]

Amazing video, thank you so much!

[@Jammer2112]

This was very funny. Jolly good show as always.

[@Autistamatic]

Well you gotta have a laugh every now & again 😂

[@beatrice1089]

im not autistic (i think) but GOD do i relate to this.

[@thatdude145]

Nigel looks cool af ngl

[@M.Shepardbee]

I would come out of the gate with .. first of all. I love it. Second of all are you sure they are as cool as we are and can appreciate a statement?

[@micheals1992]

I can't find the video where you mention that people who was in abusive relationships often move into a relationship with somebody autistic due to the similarities between the two. My partner was in an abusive relationship before we got together.

[@remekster]

the thing is speaking my mind is so automatic for me and the harms done before i actually notice i shouldnt say something

[@JaneDoe-ss9ct]

Sometimes I think I might be on the spectrum, but this part confuses me a lot. I'm usually very attentive to other people's feelings, even too much one would say. I might have been blunt as a kid, but as an adult I can't say the same, I worry a lot about other people's feelings and can feel if what I'm bout to say sounds rude. I don't understand if this is just masking or me simply not being on the spectrum.

[@Cerebrum123]

I once tried to warn someone that their makeup was a bit too much. I framed it as nicely as I could think of. "You might look better if you used a bit less makeup". I could have been far, far harsher given the amount of makeup that was applied to her, but I was trying to be nice given how often people said I was too blunt or rude. Apparently I didn't go nice enough judging by the death glare I got.

[@er6730]

The thing is, it wasn't your place to say anything. If she'd asked what you thought, that would have been a kind yet honest answer. (Ideally you'd say "even better" instead of "better", but overall it was fine) But because she didn't, there was no reason to bring it up.

[@Cerebrum123]

@@er6730 If I'm remembering right she did ask what I thought, although I probably should have made that clear in my initial post.

[@er6730]

@@Cerebrum123 in that case, I I can see how it must have been confusing!

[@Dollyblossoms]

It sounds both rude and helpfull at the same time. But if she asked you like you said, then she should just be thankful you said what you thought.

[@Cerebrum123]

@@Dollyblossoms It's possible I'm wrong about her asking because it was a long time ago. However, all of my relatives give unsolicited advice, including the person in question. I've gotten a bit better about figuring out what is and isn't considered rude but I'm still far from the understanding that the average neurotypical has.

[@towzone]

I honestly love that suit. But I question the ability of your coworkers to appreciate it.

[@psychicpajamas]

Diverting and changing the subject when he asks you a direct question feels like a lie

[@InappropriateShorts]

The solution is to move to the Netherlands 🇳🇱 where people say what they mean.

[@cristinachaliandroi1369]

If i want thw truth i will ask an autistic