Adult with Autism | Self-Preservation is not Selfish | 87

Please forgive the colour of the camera, it is coming to the end of life unfortunately!
For many years, I struggled with putting myself or my needs first. Whenever I wanted to, I couldn't get past thinking I was being selfish. As the years went by and I slowly started taking better care of me and my needs, everyone around me disappeared as they were not getting the things they once were from me.
Trying to see that you are important too, and need to pay attention to yourself has taken me a lifetime to figure out, and sometimes, I still forget and help others to my detriment. I use this video to try and make sense of it for myself and potentially others.
0:00 Catch Up / New Study
6:47 Self Preservation
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[@theautisticrabbi]

Thanks!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you Jason, much appreciated 👍🏻

[@JC-yb8hz]

The more you voluntarily give people, the more they will take. That's a lesson I've learned the hard way. Assign yourself a dollar value. Don't lowball yourself, either. Your time, your effort, and your energy are all worth something. If you are not getting something you consider to be beneficial out of the interaction, you should not be having it. Put your time, effort, and energy - your value - into things that give you value back. You can't get time, effort, or energy back once you've wasted it.

[@AdultwithAutism]

Very true. Understanding my value is something I'm still trying to find 👍🏻

[@DJ5780]

"and kids will be screaming because kids scream for some reason." I felt that.

[@AdultwithAutism]

They do like being heard 😂

[@joycebrewer4150]

One of my great-nephews used to think scaring the living daylights out of me with a raucus bicycle horn was super funny. I dreaded the days he came over!

[@justlease37]

I've forever been accused of being a control freak because of the steps I've always taken even before my diagnosis to try to preserve my sanity. I didn't realize, of course, the reason I needed peace and quiet, and organization and a plan, and like you knew a family was just not for me was because of my neurodivergence - but I did know that I felt very, very stressed out in any situation where I had no control over what was going on. Quite a while before my diagnosis, I'd let the one-sided friendships fall away, and did spend many a sleepless night wondering how it is that everyone else seemed to have a vibrant social life and a gazillion friends and I did not. But then after I was diagnosed, it occurred to me that I'm most content when I'm doing by own thing, by myself, and there was a reason for that and that is just fine. I see the 'good people' in small doses and that's absolutely enough for me. I feel like my diagnosis gave me permission to just be me, and that I'm doing absolutely the right thing for me when I conserve my energy and only spend it on the people who want the best for me. Good on you for setting up a Patreon for yourself! You don't give yourself enough credit Paul, for being a wise man with a lot of useful life experiences and you should be compensated. It's expensive to create content - in time, materials, tools, etc. You're absolutely doing the right thing!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you for that, I appreciate the encouragement. And thanks for sharing 👍🏻

[@mloveleigh]

ahhh this is so classic for women in particular - control freak.. micro manager... whole life but especially as adult and parent partner etc drs specialists or counsellors that have been seen tried a handful of times... they werent intelligent enough clued in to be thorough but make assumptions on why i do what i do.. its survival.. thinking ahead because have to keep the game /mask up of everything is fine and i handle life okay.. its one of the invalidating or gaslighting scars that hurts soo bad

[@sheila3348]

Thank you for this! The last six years have been difficult for me, because I’m realizing so many of my friendships have been me doing things for people in exchange for them tolerating my “weirdness”. Since I found out that I may have autism and that what I thought was normal life was actually decades of anxiety, I’ve been trying to make changes in my lifestyle and how I interact with people so that I’m not living under so much pressure. It’s been really frustrating lately to realize that most of my friendships aren’t reciprocal. And I start to feel bad sometimes, like, if I had seen how they were doing, or if I had texted them more often, would it be different? But then I have to remind myself, they don’t ask how I’m doing. They don’t text me. It’s been a disappointing process realizing that I only have like one or two real friends, but it’s still an improvement, and it’s less exhausting. Anyway, I made living for others a habit, and it’s nice to have a reminder like this to help me as I work on making new habits. Thank you! P.S. Don’t feel bad about doing a Patreon. Anyone mad about a content creator making a Patreon is a freeloader and a child.

[@AdultwithAutism]

Hi Sheila, thank you for the kind words and encouragement. And I'm glad the video helped too 👍🏻

[@ariannaxr]

I think those that have spent their life being selfless and keep on wondering if they are being selfish, should get a free pass... Like, dude stop worrying, you have demonstrated you are not capable of being selfish even if you tried, go ahead and self-preserve.

[@kdcraft89]

This has been an important video for me. I've been telling a few people I'm autistic and the response has not been good. People want me to continue to mask for them, continue to do things for them, it seems to live my life for their comfort and benefit, etc. I had gotten to the point of deciding that they could either be supportive or not, but I was not going to continue to be "someone I am not" for them. They are people who, in the past have treated me as selfish when I tried to care for myself. After discovering that I'm autistic several years ago, I've started to figure out that I've been taken for granted (at best, and in some cases worse than that). I grew up in a large family and my role was to help and care for others. When I tried to do anything I needed, it was treated as selfish. Yet, I spent much of my time doing for others or trying to meet external standards. Most of my jobs have been caring for others in some way. I got paid for that, and I really did enjoy helping others, which for me had meaning. This was better than many jobs, to be honest. But doing this in my personal life is now in the process of changing. I will speak my mind about my autism (as I feel appropriate) and my needs and if people choose not to receive what I say ("you're not autistic" and perhaps thinking "you're just selfish and weird") that is their business, not mine to cater to them. I will move forward. I have many acquaintances who are not real friends, for one thing. I've had a few real friends in life, and there's a difference. Reciprocity is the key difference. Family is part of this, too, but is more complicated. Either, I plan to move forward. It's my life and I want to live it as I see fit. Thank you for the timely video! I plan to join your Patreon.

[@AdultwithAutism]

Glad the video came at a good time. I've wanted to do it for a while, just couldn't find the right way 👍🏻

[@AJansenNL]

Self-care is not selfish. I've always seen it as a form of altruism. Because if I don't care for myself, I'll be no use to anyone.

[@turtleanton6539]

Yes😊

[@AdultwithAutism]

My problem was, I was useful to others...I just didn't know I needed to do that for myself too. Then when I tried, I had no idea what I needed to do for me. Now I know, I know for me to be useful to others, I have to be the best version of myself...and I can only do that if I make sure I'm okay first 👍🏻

[@AJansenNL]

@@AdultwithAutism I'm glad you came to that realisation. Don't feel guilty about not learning it earlier, or even now for being 'selfish'. We all have our own individual paths of growth. The fact that you worry about it proves you're a good, empathetic man. There's nothing wrong in having some of that empathy for yourself. Change is hard, you'll get there.🫂

[@AdultwithAutism]

Many thanks, I'll keep pushing 👍🏻

[@PlanetZhooZhoo]

You have a great ethos there Paul. I called a good friend once and they said they were busy and would call me back. They never did, and we didn't see each other for 26 years!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Wow! Must have been very busy to be unavailable for 26 years!!

[@randysmith5435]

Cheers, Paul! Its been a while since I've commented on one of your videos. This one hit too deep. My mother used to say (When your in someone elses car your riding with them.) My whole life I have tried to be a good friend and relative to my loved ones. Going over and above trying to help others, even strangers with their hand out. I would put my bosses interests front and center in my work and I ended up getting shat upon and relegated to the edge of work groups. I threw picnics and small get togethers for my co workers. Any way I could repay a small kindness and show my appreciation. Remembering birthdays, giving gifts of produce from my gardens, laboring on home projects for (friends?) Most of them never made reciprocal gestures and I've always tried to look at it from the point of view that expecting reciprocity was selfish and good things come to you not from those whom you help but from the good energy you create by doing so. Now, after fifty odd years of having watched those friends and family members conveniently forget the sweat and blood I poured into their projects when I need help Im feeling like a fool. I refuse to denigrate the joy I felt sharing in doing those deeds which gave me some feeling of acceptance and community. However, many of those who I thought were closest to me came up short of time in their busy lives to return the favor even when I would ask months in advance. Family also whom I had labored for when my own home was in shambles trying to do everything myself because no matter how hard I worked I never seemed to get a raise. I worked construction and learned all I could to help in my renovations at home. Being on time for work was rewarded by pressuring me to pick up and transport co-workers who were such drunkards that they weren't allowed to drive. I spent so much effort trying to people please that I burned out. I held on at underpaying jobs for years sometimes stupidly hoping my hard work would be rewarded. The well connected people got the promotions. I ended up doing all the heavy lifting for them. All this sounds like I'm a sniveling little crybaby. I just finally realized that I had very few real friends and family and those few who still keep in touch are Neurodiverse. 29:32 The internet carried away many of those down their respective rabbitholes so I keep to myself mostly these days and dont socialize online at all. If you are too busy to text and make plans to keep friendships going I am not going to beat a dead horse trying to stay in touch. To be honest, its liberating not to have to go out and deal with the crowds and noise anymore. Ive droned on long enough! Im going to go work on my special interests for a bit. Just wanted to say hello and let you know there are others out here with the same struggles trying to fit into this baffling thing called society. Be well!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thanks for that Randy. And definitely not a sniveling cry baby...more that you are sharing your perspective, and trust me...it relates!! Far too much actually.

[@Teasy_32]

Dear Paul, imagine owning a good book twice. The second one won't tell you more than the first one does. But to another person it may reading it the first time (and maybe again) and it might mean the world to her, maybe she can see her world in a different light. And she would want to give you something in return if she can. That's the value of that book. The value of something you have and you give away. And you yourself are the second book. A talking book, a breathing, encouraging book. And if people feel like giving you something in return that's energy exchange As well as you still present yourself for free, you offer another maybe more intense version of yourself. I highly appreciate these opportunities. To yourself those things you reflect and say may seem normal, unusual, but to others they might be eye-opening. To me they are soothing, I feel familiar, since I understood my design. All the best to you Paul! You are an important individual!

[@alisoncarroll153]

I learned that if I don’t have boundaries in my relationships, I don’t exist in the relationship. If I don’t show up for myself, I am not showing up for other people even if I'm serving their needs. This dynamic is why autistic people often get stuck in parasitic, narcissistic relationships which are not healthy for anyone. There are worthwhile people who need anyone to be there with their boundaries. If we sacrifice ourselves without boundaries to people who don’t want us, just our services, we don’t exist in our life, their life, or the people who are desperate for anyone. Boundaries are the resistance that show others that we truly exist as a fully realized and honest human, wifh or without autism.

[@kathiebradley5881]

What about those of us without official diagnosis or are still unaware they are autistic? I just found out in my own at 45. Studies don't know about us. Up until about 5 years ago, I worked so hard trying to maintain relationships with family members that didn't do the same for me, then after a very unfulfilled trip that cost lots of time and money for nothing, I just stopped reaching out, and they didn't reach out to ask why, and honestly, I felt freed from it.

[@AdultwithAutism]

The day you live true to your design instead of to societal pressures or expectations, the better it starts to be. Regardless of official diagnosis or not 👍🏻

[@ShinySilverBunny]

For years and years i gave selflessly to my family of origin and so many friends , coworkers and strangers. When my parents moved out of state i always flew home every year, sent gifts, called, etc.. the only time anyone came to see me was my egg donor because she was going to benefit off my sabbatical and vacation at the beach and be her supply. I deleted my Facebook and nobody called.. had an acquaintance that got me in his Lodge when i thought id make friends and when i needed help he wasn't around.. but yeah did i pay my member dues? When certain people said they loved me Id hear a voice in my head that said "they love what you do for them" Your videos are truly healing Paul. 💕

[@AdultwithAutism]

That thought of 'they love what you do for them' feels oddly familiar! I'm glad you like the videos. Thank you

[@isotope73]

You know how when you're depressed EVERYONE says, go do some volunteer work at a food bank! Meaning, that will fix it all for you. Uuhh... no!! Before I discovered I'm ASD I DID do that. ZERO HELP!!!!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Anything involving interaction with other humans when in burn out just adds to it for me 👍🏻

[@kayjay-kreations]

I hear you.....I was asking how people were and such then realized others were not asking me or calling me and they didnt care and I felt bitter now I ask do I really care or am I doing a caring thing to be liked? Do I even care? Do I even like that person or am I looking to be liked.....for me that is my answer.

[@AdultwithAutism]

I agree with that completely. I wanted to be liked, because being liked brought less trouble than being disliked. And being disliked causes so much stress to me by people I know.

[@Ghoulbum]

I moved out of a one bedroom by myself to move with my friend so they could go to school, because they couldn't afford to move there alone and their mom and boyfriend at the time refused to move with them. They took advantage of me financially and then had the audacity to be mad at me and claim i wasn't pulling my weight, when i paid 80% of all the bills and 100% for food and i attempted to keep the peace by not arguing with them but stating that i paid more then them, which they refused to believe. Then they sued me, attempting to get over 7k that i had already paid them... Never again.

[@kutay8421]

I feel you. The more you give, the more they want.

[@PapaSeanX5]

If id found out I was autistic earlier in life I wouldve made better decisions to serve me. Someone once said autistic people lack an "'I' reference point" and its true. We dont know who we are so we become codependent on the literal words of loved ones to fill in the gaps. Hence the puzzle piece. The diagnosis fills in that gap or vague space with a scientific/psychological understanding of why our brains work the way they do. I was a people pleaser because i couldnt understand myself and never knew what mistakes I made or would make socially. I couldnt identify what other people wanted. The diagnosis isnt an easy button. Its a key step toward self-awareness. Which is what we NEED to progress

[@AdultwithAutism]

Absolutely. The diagnosis is like starting the engine of a car, but starting the engine alone doesn't get us where we need to be. We have to learn how to do that ourselves. Slowly but surely. I'm still learning, and probably always will be. The world moves too fast and I don't keep up, so I have to adjust myself along the way.

[@lorelei58]

I began watching your videos about 2 months ago, after one came up in my feed as a recommendation. Even though I have a lot still to watch, your videos have become my favorite. Why? Because of your straightforward and honest personal approach. Oh, and the fact that you speak quietly and calmly. It's very soothing. 😌 I was diagnosed with autism October 2023, shortly after turning 65. Throughout my life, I never once considered I might be autistic. After all, to people my age, autistic people were "Rainman-like" stereotypes. However, I was diagnosed at 28 with severe depression and anxiety. I immediately began psychotherapy and was prescribed 3 or 4 medications. In the decades since, therapists, medications and diagnoses (PTSD, OCD and panic disorder were added) have changed several times. About 20 years ago, I remember telling a therapist, "I've been in therapy for decades, yet I don't seem to be getting better. What's wrong with me???" Then last summer I met a woman in an online game. We began chatting on Discord, and became friends. As we began sharing more intimate life experiences, she told me she was diagnosed with autism 3 years prior. Then she asked me if I'd ever been assessed for autism. And as they say, the rest is history. Now that I've rambled on far too long, I'll make the point I intended when I started this comment. 🙄 I'm so very grateful to have valuable resources such as your videos to learn from. Thank you for sharing your time, energy and most importantly, yourself.

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you, greatly appreciated. And I am glad you find the channel useful.

[@organicsounds11]

thanks ,my daily check in ,really helps a lot with a late autistic that learnt the hard way ,

[@user-wt6pg1uv3p]

Very important video and message. We're used to allowing others to exploit us and also guilt-trip us simply for having the same basic human needs as others. We're used to having our existences problematised and being pushed out. We have to stand up for ourselves and say NO. We are equally important - if not to anybody else then at least to OURSELVES... We need to make sure that WE come FIRST. Well said mate.

[@AdultwithAutism]

We sure do. Thank you 👍🏻

[@infidelcastor]

Love your content! One of the best videos on self-preservation I’ve listened to. Especially the last words about family and friends who don’t understand and are making my life harder and more uncomfortable and difficult, I needed to hear that.

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you 👍🏻

[@manyBlessings2all]

Thank you Paul, just found your channel, relevant subject & not too long (lol) so i watched.. i was late diagnosed 6 yrs ago (aged 48) autism & adhd. I'm grateful for the diagnosis & have learned a lot but feels still plenty to process & adjusting to do. I also have been dealing with stress & burnout from 'over-giving', finding it hard to say no etc, also that same situ of who will take initiative to contact me.. not many.. friendships can be puzzling. Learning Self-care is essential. As you say, & others here too, looking after oneself is actually giving to others because if we are not in good state we can't help others and may even become a burden. Good luck with your Patreon, great idea, & may a wonderful new camera materialise itself for you, with ease & flow & grace, thank you Angels 🙏😇 💗💫 Thank you for your deep caring, & thoughtful perceptiveness, & lovely smile.. a big smile to you, too 🙂 Judith 🌻

[@AdultwithAutism]

Ah Thank you Judith, that is greatly appreciated 👍🏻

[@aj_autihd]

I’ve shared this video to my autistic friends and my family members. This has been a huge help in putting to words the experiences I have where I struggled to define what it was. Alexithymia, am I right? How you’ve come to articulate these topics so fluidly brings me so much peace. It gives me a narrative to convey the struggles I’ve been experiencing. I want to support your channel. I never do this, but what you’ve shared here is enough reason for me to start by supporting you. When I’m able to, I’ll drop what I can within my personal means to show gratitude and appreciation to your dedication and time making these videos! Thank you so much! ❤

[@aj_autihd]

I don’t know how I could help pay for appointments with you. But I’d love to discuss costs for coaching in how to navigate things. An hour or even fourty minutes would be enough for me. I’ve found I have internal ableism and need to deprogram as well as unmask. It’ll be a process, but having someone who has thought through and been through these stages would be a huge help. I’ll have to check description to see if you have an email I can reach out to. I’m rambling… Thank you again!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you, I appreciate that. Although I have stepped away from appointments for a while, I am always open to ideas for new content. If there is a series of videos or even single videos you would like to see, then send an email to the one in the video descriptions 👍🏻

[@AdultwithAutism]

I know what you mean. Thank you 👍🏻

[@WoodshedTheory]

The word no does not have to be negative but saying yes can be a negative experience - wow great stuff

[@AdultwithAutism]

Many thanks 😁

[@what_da_FND]

Due to autism tax I cant afford your patron, but I 100% support it! You deserve the extra money. I will however like every single video to support the algorithm. Autistic people need to see this content. Its priceless.

[@AdultwithAutism]

I appreciate that, thank you. The Tism Tax is very much a real thing, it's actually a plan for a future video...when I get back to it 👍🏻

[@AleshaCarson-oh3kg]

They took I gave 😭😭😭 I’m sending you hug or whatever you fancy? Fist bump? ( we are all different) I feel you on a level like no other. I always wish the best for everyone even those who aren’t worthy of it. We are socially blind ? And yes everyone vanished like coach roaches when you turn the lights on. I am now putting effort into me, I still struggle. I just blocked my folks for a while, I just can’t hear anymore negativity. The guilt is huge but I need to do this for me. Trying to please them will kill me. It’s heartbreaking. Got a few more dials to shift. I am that lady ❤️ I want the best for people. We are very similar. I wish I had connections for a job, it’d be brilliant. We moved several times and I lost connections. I have no more word of mouth jobs. I’m riding the waves my friend it’s so hard. Stayed in toxic relationships too long because having a bf was what you did. I am married and the stress is overridding. I’ve learnt soooo much about myself and I have so much more to learn. I’ve just never had anyone understand me from my perspective. But I’m suppose to learn everyone else and adjust to them. I’m exhausted. I can’t afford my paints and canvas anymore and it’s heartbreaking. I wish people could understand. Thank you, you are validation and it’s comforting. I struggle with value as well especially when everyone has always discounted me. My battery has been empty for years I’m uncertain how I’m still going. They should study that 😂. It’s sad really it shouldn’t be that way.

[@AdultwithAutism]

It shouldn't be that way, you're right. I'm good with a fist bump!

[@kayjay-kreations]

Why do we hate work so much......i am the same even though i was good at my job i hate being dictated to and ruled..freedom ahhhhh

[@AdultwithAutism]

I struggle with everything except the job itself. I play the lottery to buy my freedom! I'll never win, but I like to be in it to hope I will.

[@the-earl-of-whatever]

Another video that resonates with me so much. Also super glad I didn't have kids. Good on you for no longer giving free personal advice. It's your time and your life. Therapists charge money for their time. Don't feel bad for that.

[@AdultwithAutism]

I don't feel bad anymore thankfully. I needed to take my time back for my wellbeing 👍🏻

[@thebradc]

Thanks for this video. You make things really clear. I was at work last week snd I was burnt out. I could think of an answer to my boss or answer immediately so I was sort of steered through open this file, open this document, scroll down - to try and find the answer. It was embarrassing. Thanks for the really good points.

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you for the kind words 👍🏻

[@Contessa998]

I absolutely love ur channel! You are such a dear! Thanks for all you do!!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you so much

[@NickApplegate]

Thank you for your content. This video is really hitting home. One of my realizations lately was that most of my old friends were friends with my masking self. I've started prioritizing myself, and lost what I thought was my best friend. Now that I'm getting help I feel like a better more authentic person. Perhaps some day I can find a way to help our community, in the meantime keep doing what you do!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you. And I was in the exact position you have gone through. The crazy thing, I missed the friend! That is until I paid attention to what he contributed...turns out I just liked the idea of the friend more than the friend itself 👍🏻

[@VonniC-bv2ow]

Thanks Paul. This video has been very helpful. I have taken something you said and have used it as my daily quote in my self care journal. “I deserve to live for me now, because I am important too”. Funny that I thought I was living for me, but I really haven’t been for quite some time. I have some pivotal decisions to make, and your words of wisdom have provided some clarity. You have a real skill and if you have been privately providing help and advice you definitely deserve to be paid for it. I haven’t checked out patreon but a few people I have been following on KZbin have mentioned it. I am starting to feel a bit guilty about all the free support I am finding so I really should contribute if I can afford it. I wonder if being autistic is the reason for guilt or maybe some other thing from my personality or upbringing. I too have ‘managed’ my autism but I didn’t know that’s what I was doing and I have suffered at times due to pushing myself too hard to do things that I thought I should be able to do. I have fallen in quite a big heap mentally and physically so I think it actually might matter when you find out about your autism. Maybe there’s a higher plan that determines all this and maybe it was better that I didn’t find out too early, but it’s not always beneficial to learn the hard way that’s for sure. I am just trying to learn what I can each day as I navigate this thing we call life. I really appreciate your chats. Thank you 😊

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you for the kind words. Like you, I thought I was living for me until I realised how much I wasn't. I thought if everyone around me was okay, then I could be okay too as it wouldn't be a turbulent environment.

[@whitneymason406]

Thanks for sharing this. I think these studies are funny, too. How can one manage their autism if they will be late diagnosed and don't know they're autistic lol? Today is the day I got diagnosed 2 years ago. I'm proud. I've come a long way. Have a good, peaceful weekend!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Happy Autism-versary. Good to hear you're proud of making your version right for you. Have a good weekend Whitney 👍🏻

[@Jen-GP]

You make so much sense, im 49 and I’m finally on the waiting list for an adult autism diagnosis -after 15 years of suspecting and 7 years of trying to get referred. But I’m in acceptance mode and won’t do what I’m uncomfortable with even if it makes others unhappy

[@AdultwithAutism]

Glad I make some sense to some 👍🏼

[@truthmerchant1]

I just found your channel today and I can honestly say it's one of the best channels I've seen. You're work is definitely worth paying for. I'll be happy to join your Patreon. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and enriching our lives 🙂

[@AdultwithAutism]

You're more than welcome, I appreciate that 😁

[@flamingohead27]

8:17 I'm just nodding to everything your saying. I know that if I had been properly diagnosed as a child 1, would have helped my mother handle me and herself differently, (the big A word). And 2 I would have known how to manage myself and not try to do it how "normal" people do. 13:26 lol exactly "I can't take a break I have to be available 💯 for my family" I know I need to stop, but I'm so scared I'll be a bad wife or mother.... But it's actually starting to make things worse... So I'm thinking about, but how do I not feel bad and shamed doing good for me too. 19:39 I LOVE having a child! But I would never tell anyone they should do it 😮 lol that's a really personal choice! 25:18 I'm proud of you for charging for personal responses! But I totally get it. I undercharge my work like I don't make any money back, I just cover what I spent to make my work. (I crochet) but I'm proud to hear you did it!

[@AdultwithAutism]

I clicked on all the timestamps to see what I was waffling about! 😂

[@friednoodles666]

young man with autism here. found your videos tonite and been watching thru just having this sense of relief washing over me. i have been dealt a shit hand since the beginning of my life and this really helps me process the things that aren't my fault, I was just around too many shitty people who lacked empathy who saw my limitations as an excuse and not an actual medical condition. thank you for what you do. 🙏🏻

[@AdultwithAutism]

Glad you can relate, and keep pushing forward. Live true to your design 👍🏻

[@aj_autihd]

I need to find your channel. Please Keep making videos!

[@AdultwithAutism]

I will try! 👍🏻

[@SonsZoo]

Powerful. 13:33 ✨ dial in to yourself.. good people will understand. Needed to hear that from someone else!🙏❤ I relate to a lot here. I touched on this subject on a recent video. You smashed it mate! I know how lonely and challenging this journey can be (I’ve been running male suicide prevention projects for years which have evolved into various new projects (adh/asd, kids, elderly, disabled, etc) as I learnt how bad the ‘services’ and system are.. heartbreaking!) so if you ever feel you want support or a chat, I’m here. Have to offer as I’m having a little binge on your stuff! Loving it! Open to a collab in the future as I’m currently setting up some bits around adhd/asd. Much respect sir!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thanks dude. I am interviewing a male mental health coach soon. I watched him recently and found him interesting, so maybe one to look out for too.

[@camellia8625]

That is why we need to have more autism led research guided by the priorities and concerns of the autistic population. As much as I am grateful for your free content here; I’m very glad you are now earning money from patreon. I also agree with with you putting down boundaries with giving advice as some people will suck you dry. It is something I myself as an autistic person who sometimes co-teaches on topics to do with autism at a local Uni has found to be a massive time suck.

[@AdultwithAutism]

We do absolutely need Autism led research. But even then we need to watch out for agendas built within. I agree about the boundaries. I need them now. I feel bad for not being as available anymore, but I need my recharge time and time for me too 👍🏻

[@MartKart8]

You use a lot of metaphors and sayings, I used to watch a show on Channel 4 called Angie Tribeca and every time they used a saying like take a seat that person picked up a chair, and this one person said thank you for your time, he took the persons Time magazine from the table. I found the show interesting as I've never seen a show like that before.

[@AdultwithAutism]

I'm not sure if that was meant to be funny, but that really made me laugh for some reason. Taking things literally just hits my funny button it seems.

[@lucypullin786]

Another fantastic video that's pulled me out of a dark place. Thanks Paul 😊 and fair play to you for recognising that your talent, time, effort, hard work and brilliant advice deserves something back! You honestly talk more sense than alot of professionals I have come across claiming to be experts. As an autistic woman (possibly around the same age? 😅) I can relate to what your saying so much which makes me feel less alone in the world. Best of lick with everything 😊

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thanks Lucy 😁

[@debs.8953]

Thanks!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Woo! Thank you 👍🏼

[@waterairfire]

I love your content, thank you

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you for your kind words 😁

[@panthera50]

If someone is not interested in your well being, he is not a friend. Believe me, I know. Got stabbed in the back because I didn't find my ''friends'' dog more important than my partner dying of cancer.

[@AdultwithAutism]

Wow. Definitely not a good friend.

[@panthera50]

@@AdultwithAutism That was a "friend" for 45 years. 🤮 I always "knew" something was not right, but could not place it. Now I know : Covert Narcist.

[@debs.8953]

I'm not sure if you'll see this late comment, but thanks for this great video! I doubled over laughing when you said " I'm not fun, happy and shiny, I don't act like an infant, I don't flap". Yep, that's when I hit the floor laughing and my cats fled the room. Not because those things are funny, but because of the brutal, raw articulation of something so uncommonly expressed yet so entirely relatable! It was like 'music to my ears'! I love your direct and serious style. Keep talking, Paul. You're worth more than you know, and absolutely deserve to be paid for your work. 😊

[@AdultwithAutism]

Hope you didn't hit the floor too hard. Glad you like the video 👍🏻

[@donnanewby3386]

You cannot manage you don't know you have... you have only manage something you have at least a small level of understanding. Nothing makes sense autistically until you know you are Autistic, and what it actually is.

[@AdultwithAutism]

No one had ever spoken a language clearly until I met the first doctor who referred me for my appointment. Just the position of words in the same style of sentence made the world of difference 👍🏻

[@EpiicxFuziion]

I wish I had the self esteem to care about me. My self loathing is all encompassing.

[@AdultwithAutism]

Mine was too, until I realised the only person who could take care of me...was me. Little by little we make changes, they have to be right, and embed before we try anything else. But we definitely need to do something, as no one else ever will to the level we can.

[@angelikit4515]

I started watching your videos and they’ve helped me a lot! I’m 18 and I learnt about my autism diagnosis a few days ago. I feel like I have no real friends, it’s always been difficult for me to keep friendships going. I’m incredibly lonely eventhough i just started uni and am surrounded by so many ppl…

[@AdultwithAutism]

I am glad they are helping. We can be surrounded by 8 billion people and still feel lonely. The key is to appreciate yourself where you are content in your own company. Only then do you get to see others much clearer, as others then become a bonus rather than a necessity. It is the necessity part that creates a pressure within us to hope to connect...then we end up masking harder when we actually want to switch off when in the company of others. It never ends! It's a tough road, but one worth travelling.

[@fkitty444]

Do Not Feel bad about taking care of yourself! It is a challenge all givers have to deal with. Unfortunately Users and Takers are everywhere, and they condition givers to focus on the takers needs above any other. I personally think neuro-normal may actually mean EXTROVERT TAKER, because they societies drivers, and want more like them. They also recognize the general openness of autism as an opportunity. Badguys Be Badguys. Society rewards them, punishing to that aren't (weak they would say). Some people who aren't normally takers, will suddenly change when their society programming kicks in by perceiving weakness, especially family. Social conditioning is an everyday greater evil. Most people never question what they do, don't even realize they are doing it. Sometimes people cannot behave well enough to be in your life. If you are unable to do the quick direct chop, you can enable self sorting by: 1. Noticing the people who do wrong by you, see them a little less and a little less, until they weed themselves out of your life. 2. Got good people? Spend your time on them that does right by you. Allow them to come closer, until they add themselves to your inner circle. As for Autism management, I believe the study was poorly done, but an actionable life-improvement solution none-the less, but doesn't apply only to neurodivergents. We forget, that we have the signs and symptoms of autism, before the diagnosis. A diagnosis is not an action, not a solution. Managing means finding solutions for challenges and actioning them. This applies to any challenge, whether it is Autism, glasses, bad back, sprained ankle, or toxic workmate. Actionables: 1. Don't pretend your needs aren't real, they are. 2. Got a repeat problem? Address the now, fix the future. 3. Questions that help: Why am I doing this. Should I be doing this at all? What would happen if I didn't do this at all? Is there a better way? What small thing can I do today? What can I do going forward? If your challenge is a person, same rules apply, what can you do today, and how can I fix tomorrow, how can I get help. If your challenge IS finding or actioning solutions, find a person that cares, or should, and ask for help, or hire this guys consultant business! Thank you Sir, your caring video has allowed me to review and refine my own cheat sheet for life challenges! Blessings All!

[@AdultwithAutism]

Could not agree more! The diagnosis absolutely is an action. It does nothing by itself, we have the responsibility to make our life the way we need it based off what we can do, not wait for others to manage it for us. We can't complain at the world for not being friendly to Autism, instead we have to accept it, pull our pants up, and get on with doing what we can for ourselves! Love your to the point and highly accurate methodology. Only attitude will make the difference 👍🏼

[@alexanderblake1645]

Paul, another fantastic video! I needed to hear this. Something detrimental is happening to me at the moment and all I needed to hear was this. Thankyou Al

[@AdultwithAutism]

Hi Alex. Sorry to hear that. Hope you're doing alright 👍🏻

[@markl4112]

Thanks for saying this. You're right about your Patreon

[@AdultwithAutism]

No problem, and thanks 👍🏻

[@mandirush5828]

I’m so glad Iv stumbled across your videos on you tube, your voice is calming and your easy to listen to, and so much you say is resonating with me, it’s so Helpful Thankyou so much I did an online test for autism last year, and scored quite high, I always knew I had strange ways and thoughts and behaviours so it was so great to know I wasn’t crazy, I’m still trying to understand it all and find coping mechanisms, I’m not getting any support from family they don’t take it seriously and that’s very hurtful. Also my partner of 6 years says he understands a bit but doesn’t take it that seriously, sometimes you feel quite alone, but I like my own company and find it less stressful to be seeing people all the time, I never used to say no and dis so much for others at my determinate, but not now! It’s very empowering to say NO that doesn’t work for me thanks. I look forward to watching your other videos it’s good for my soul and it feels great Thankyou so much X

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you for your kind words, they are appreciated. The older we get before diagnosis, the harder it is for others to accept. But they need the general education on Autism before they can apply it to the individual. I found most of the lack of acceptance and understanding from others was due to their lack of knowledge of Autism

[@lizmandelaine6863]

7:30 - 55 🎤🫳 in addition to so many other relatable points of understanding you’ve shared… 🙏😌 Appreciate you relaying so openly and candidly. I, as well, have looked back on opportunities to “self” that I neither recognized, nor pursued, for fear of proving selfish or negatively impacting another’s “bottom line” … no resentment or judgement at all - simply, just recognition how exhausting the energy of “staying dialed in” is and has been. Have always struggled with navigating the seeming chasm of steps from selfishness to self-preservation. This much I do know…genuinely caring for others while preserving self and living life reflective of and based on promotion of same collectively, is challenging in design of society however, worth every step of the pathway ❣️ ( ‘why I didn’t have children’ caught eye and attention prior to delving into this vid, an introduction to you/your channel…next up and thx, again. )

[@AdultwithAutism]

Thank you 👍🏻

[@SweetiePieTweety]

Love that intro ❤️

[@AdultwithAutism]

😁

[@autismenlightenment]

Today is my daughters third birthday. 2 days ago i decided to stop doing a million little things that exhaust my executive functioning. I have to preserve my abilities so that we can rea h the finesh line. Its impossible to enjoy or appreciate anything in burn out.

[@AdultwithAutism]

That's very true. It's almost like we are looking at what we suppose to enjoy through the eyes of somebody else. Navigating their body, but no access to the emotion. Well, it is for me 👍🏻

[@kutay8421]

Good video. What made us Autistic, surely we carry more neurons in our skulls, probably those neurons got distressed and gone into cellular division long time ago. Reason is unclear, might be industrial, chemical or probably electromagnetical. But here we are, trying to deal with it. Can we? Or are we mutants (in X-Men). Technology will never go back, it may even accept total annihilation of humanity and life as we know it, but will never surrender. So there will me autistics in increasing numbers. Which parts of their brain becomes agitated and have more neurons and synapsis well may differ, but the anomaly will be there. I dont seem to care neither the label nor the benefits of it. But it helps me to see Reality more clearly and drive a Curiosity towards it.

[@maddywilcox9012]

Excellent... Yup big quandary always , not evident finding balance or engineering a life and environment thats without getting into missions...😮

[@AdultwithAutism]

Yep, trying to keep off the map enough to live how I need, but not far enough off the map where it draws attention 👍🏻

[@chyna86]

💯

[@mloveleigh]

the pattern is reaL mate... i try and be positive but my dark hurt side that sometimes i allow to listen to, has been thinking of getting a tattoo -a pigeon, with red circle l& ine thru it-.... "take your crumbs elsewhere because im not a fukking pigeon"...

[@AdultwithAutism]

Hopefully you can avoid the dark side!

[@RAlN71]

This is where I'm at

[@AdultwithAutism]

Hope it continues to improve 👍🏻

[@kayjay-kreations]

Y'alright Paul?

[@AdultwithAutism]

Y'Alright 👍🏻

[@kayjay-kreations]

Blow you own trumpet.....why not...do it.

[@AdultwithAutism]

🎺🎶

[@user-bt6kn2gn7f]

How are you after the videos?

[@AdultwithAutism]

I usually edit them which takes a while, and then usually a dog walk follows, so I don't stop to think about it. When I used to try and bank some videos, I would always delete them as if they just sat there, I would start getting anxious about releasing them 👍🏻

[@lucypullin786]

I meant luck!!! I'm typing whilst out walking the dog 🙈😂

[@AdultwithAutism]

Good. I'm not licking anything!

[@lucypullin786]

@@AdultwithAutism Hahaha! 🤣

[@kayjay-kreations]

Y" alright

[@AdultwithAutism]

Y'alright 👍🏻

[@mloveleigh]

i am curious, have you been misdiagnosed or comorbid diagnosed with antisocial etc.. i know women get misdiagnosed with things too first because its easier for them to look on the surface instead of within the fruit

[@AdultwithAutism]

I have never pursued any other diagnosis after I was diagnosed with Autism, as I know my Autism is the primary difference within me, and I would rather put my energy into making it the best version it can be. Maybe in time, I will look for the comorbid parts to be assessed, just to know.