Fearful-Avoidants: Breaking The Cycle Of On-Again Off-Again Relationships

www.heidipriebe.com

[@spencecoin]

After watching this, I feel seen for the first time in my life. I also feel so deeply sad for our parents and other generations who didn't get any sort of insight into these sorts of issues and just had to live and deal with them the best way possible without even being able to identify what these issues were.

[@lisagill3561]

THIS

[@farojaco]

@@lisagill3561 true

[@mirdy]

word

[@Heyu7her3]

I don't know to what extent there were attachment styles in the sense that we know them today. I say this because the socialization of parents and children were different.

[@Bilelogist]

This is a sign of empathy on your part. Bravo, I hope you're working through this and healing!

[@bumbro07]

Heidi: Don't try to be friends with your exs! Me: Ok, but what if they broke up with you and you don't understand why and they're the only ones who can answer the questions you have so you can resolve and heal your preoccupied trauma? Later in the video: Heidi: Avoid the belief that the person that hurt you is the only person who can help you heal. Me: GOD DAMN IT!

[@NiceNSpicySouth]

This comment here. I see you ((hugs)) Also, you were hilarious in your delivery.

[@hcf555]

Haha! I feel you. Much empathy to you. Sucks huh?

[@olive4naito]

Lol, maybe you're serious but this made me laugh! Would it be safe to assume that if you're the fearful-avoidant type, you might have been also fearfully avoiding analyzing the things that went wrong in the relationship on your own? My ex was probably fearful-avoidant. He told me that he liked me when we barely knew each other and after spending time getting to know him and reciprocating his feelings, he started back peddling saying he didn't believe in titles like "boyfriend and girlfriend" and that he wanted to think of us as balls of energy with no bodies. Then he was comfortable enough to say he loved me probably to make up for all the confusion but it was too early in the relationship. I am the anxious type so I quickly got attached to those words which scared him and he was very often hard to reach especially when I needed him the most. We'd attend a language exchange meet-up together and he'd want us to join separate groups but got mad if I talked to another guy in my group. I once brought sushi for us to eat after the meet-up ended, but he went home without speaking to me so I had to eat it by myself. When he said he wanted space I gave him his space but he'd also complain that he didn't think I cared enough and that was his excuse for dating a friend of mine. I couldn't make head nor tail of him but that was when he was still in his mid to late 20s. I thought for sure that he had forgotten about me after 5 years but he apparently wanted to get married which was probably supposed to fix the problem but instead I lost it and blocked him. I'm sure he's changed a lot since then because he did eventually get married after I cut ties with him. He may not have analyzed what went wrong, but I think there's hope especially if you never did anything that bad. ^_^ And it shouldn't be as complicated to figure out what went wrong.

[@lloydyu24]

What else can you come up with?

[@KellyDuke008]

Finally a video with practical tips for healing fearful avoidant patterning. I’ve seen myself in these rollercoaster relationships but haven’t really understood the dynamic. Hated myself for running back to critical partners like my alcoholic father was. You’re so right- idk how to set boundaries I need & still feel secure or close in a relationship. I allow too much & eventually snap. Thank you for real world ideas that I can start using to break the cycles!

[@tanyadepoalo4312]

The toll it takes on the partner of a fearful avoidant is also devastating! To have our emotions yo-yoed around like this creates trauma for us too! The on again off again is exhausting and we are always hoping when they come back that it will work “this time”

[@jenbodhi1133]

It’s a horrible experience

[@marioct130]

Yes, the avoidant's behavior translates as cruelty. They absolutely do not recognize the harm that they do.

[@colegracia2740]

As somebody who's put another person through that pain. I'm deeply sorry. I'm so sorry for all the back and forth and all the exhausting nights lying awake in anxiety. If it's any help at all to anybody who's been through that pain I just want to say that I'm striving to change, to be better.

[@Therobbijamesshow]

It’s been an experience. Secure relationships are God sent. I feel for my ex but in the same - I don’t. She continued to text me and blamed me for not giving her space. I don’t like roller coasters, but I will take a real rollercoaster over an emotional roller coaster. Her lack of self esteem was devastating knowing I couldn’t do anything about it.

[@zakh7675]

Many of us know the pain we cause but we just can't stop 😔 it's very confusing for us too, and often, clarity only comes after the damage has been done

[@disdroid]

I helped my partner overcome these issues by painting a stable background where she was free to enter or leave whenever she wished and there would be no rejection. Because of this she began responding to therapy, where she found the means to shift her attachment style.

[@jessd956]

This is hopeful and I am glad for you. Thank you for sharing.

[@Shannon_luvscars]

Thank you 🙏🏽 for being a supportive partner for her. I wished I’d found this video before me and my significant other split… I think this is what he needed from me and I didn’t know 😞

[@disdroid]

@@Shannon_luvscars I did a lot of research and I was close to mine all our lives but it took until late in life before we settled down

[@SowingSeedsWithChristy]

Such a gift! :)

[@niahughes5223]

What you mean by no rejection? As I’m taking her back with no judgement?

[@kate_kate_kate]

"Until you like yourself enough to accept that you're a human being who needs care, support, comfort..." I have never heard the more precise description of what's going on with me and what changes I'm going through.

[@sourcingjoy5568]

where in the video does she say this? Thanks!

[@karltan9461]

@@sourcingjoy5568 27:50

[@talesfromtheroad9530]

When you mentioned 'friendships where you bring your full authentic self,' it made me realize that however amazing my current friendships are, I don't see them as deep or intimate or as vulnerable as the romantic relationships I've had, because my 'full authentic self' sometimes included sobbing naked in someone's arms over past trauma (of course I would never do with a friend 😂), or showing anger at a partner (I never show anger at friends), or calling and unloading with no filter all my anxieties about work, school etc (I am really careful about dumping on friends and ask first, etc). I need to do a lot of thinking about this... I tend to be my 'full authentic self' only deep into a romantic relationship and sometimes that self is messy and unregulated and honestly probably hard to take care of....but I assume they won't leave and will nurture those sides of me (wrap me up in a burrito blanket lol) because they've committed and love me.... Whereas with friends, I try really hard not to be a burden because I assume they'll back away if I'm too much or hard to care for or dump negativity. So my friendships tend to be positive and steady and has lasted decades whereas my romantic relationships haven't gone more than a year or two. This is making me wonder, do I need to treat my boyfriends with more of the careful respectful distance I treat friends? Or practice sobbing in front of a friend and sharing deeper things or going to them for comfort on a bad day? .....maybe it's a combo. I def allow myself to get to very vulnerable, very deep states with partners and then ask for a lot of soothing there. But if I was on the opposite end of this role, I would find it exhausting. Hmm lots to think about. I feel shame about this topic and vulnerable even sharing this...but thanks for creating a space to share and to anyone reading this for listening!

[@kathychrzaszcz2352]

I TOTALLY recommend you read "You are the one you've been waiting for" which is a book about Internal Family Systems and how it connects to intimate relationships. I think it'll help with your situation a lot. It's helped me IMMENSELY!!!!

[@shockedpikachuface7376]

You literally described my situation perfecfly. Don't feel shame for sharing this, others are going through the same thing you are

[@joniczka]

Thank you for sharing 🐱

[@nattsplat2]

This perfectly describes my life too. Amazing stable long term friends (20yrs+), and 1-2 year romantic relationships (I've had a lot) where I'm all over the place...it's comforting to know I am not alone, you are definitely not alone in this. I hope we all find the answers and healing we need

[@lauraluey]

I relate to so much of what you've written. Thank you for sharing your experience, and putting words to something I feel ❤

[@NenneN...]

Being a fearful avoidant is rough, such messed-up childhoods. I feel like there needs to be C-PTSD support groups like they have for AA etc. I see, hear and validate you all, my comrades in trauma. 💜

[@themacocko6311]

​​​@@jessd956FA's are not "co-defendant"

[@CitiesOfAsh]

It's like we are the villains of the story yet nobody really understands us.

[@prod.murmur]

In my culture (Nigerian) childhood abuse is so normalised that a lot of us probably have CPTSD

[@Inezkanal]

Do you know Crappy childhood fairy? She have groups for us that have cpts

[@jake_with_the_BIG_snake]

I have CPTSD and go to ACA(adult children of alcoholics) meetings instead of AA. Quite a few people there have CPTSD. That group has helped me a lot. The 12 steps are somewhat adapted from AA to ACA in most groups including mine. They are still flawed imo but still helpful although i wish we used the 12 remade steps from the ACA founder explained here, kzbin.info/www/bejne/gp_aoJyigZWkb6c there is also a loving parent guidebook which is ACA litterature and the ACA fellowship text(Big Red book) is also very good.

[@themaggattack]

11:07 It's sooooooo true!!!! It explains so much! We weren't allowed boundaries as children, so now we think the only way to get boundaries is to completely escape the whole relationship!

[@lurklingX]

havent gotten far into vid yet but this comment hit home. i def had that setup. i do on/off with socializing on the whole. people do stuff that's triggering, i take it as long as i can then i shut down and back away as the only way to make it STOP (i.e. weird sort of boundaries? i guess that would be more like the lack thereof, and trying to make one thru pure distance/avoidance.)

[@amberv4223]

Yes!!

[@amberv4223]

@@lurklingX me too!!

[@jessd956]

It’s because you’re terrified of intimacy yet you crave it as well.

[@Zefcreates]

I don’t think I care if you see this comment or not, but I seriously and wholeheartedly think that this video is saving my life, my sanity, my personhood. Thank you. I have never felt more seen in my entire life. You may be saving the only positive relationship I have experienced thus far, and I am crying but in a good way. Thank you.

[@Virgolove]

I care and I'm happy you feel seen❤

[@McSwayla]

same

[@lilyneva]

I see you too.

[@mhm2957]

how are you now and how's your relationship? i hope everything's going well for you ❤

[@trezchil]

Wishing you well

[@IdontspeakBro.]

Thank you. I ended a relationship with a girl who behaved this way. Hardest thing I ever did, her compartmentalising is painful to watch. To see someone choose to be absent, to feel like you don’t care and they have this super power where they can leave with no issues. Was all to much for me to bear anymore. Be kind to people everyone.

[@gigilamoore2656]

Very sorry. I have this and know the pain that is caused to the non fearful avoidant.

[@sakuraesther6309]

On her behalf, I am very sorry

[@Marie11e_]

Can you give an example of how she would compartmentalize?

[@alexblazin5478]

I dont think we choose to be absent. Everytime we are pressured or feel cornered we withdraw. Until we can get ourselves together and see how we are going to address the ultimatums we are giving. When I left or withdrew it was because I would shut down it takes so much energy to pretend everything is okay and go through the motions when in reality I was scared to death, I was scared to trust, to love to be my real self. I wish people would understand that when we decide to love we love with no conditions it just take a lot of time to get to the point. A lot of people don't have it in them to rock with me at my worst.

[@Alize.W]

@@alexblazin5478 Saying you don't have a choice is avoiding accountability, which is typical but it's false. You definitely have a choice, you just allow your triggers to control your choices instead of leading them in wise mind. You have free will - you are in control on the choices you make at all times.

[@whiggygirl]

It's so true that all you get told when you go to someone outside of the rship for support, that you just get told "Dump him" "You're worth more than that" and he is slagged off to high-heaven, when half of the issue is with me. It just makes me completely withdraw, and internalise all of my pain and difficulties. Then I tie myself in knots trying to decipher what the actual truth is of what is going on, rather than what my anxiety is saying it is 😢

[@maggie1321972]

YES! That is literally the advice 90% of people give.

[@nadiaventer3380]

I really feel so sad for fearful avoidant people, it must be so terrible to live like that, but it's also just as tough being on the receiving end, always getting your heart broken by the same person, and never really know why, and I'm someone who will take that person back over and over again in hopes that, maybe this time... I myself have an anxious attachment style, so I stay attached for so long. I wish it was easy for all of us who struggle with insecure attachments to heal our childhood "trauma" but it's so difficult and at times feels completely impossible, no matter how many articles you read or videos you watch. It's really so sad. And not everyone can afford therapy.

[@sparkstudies1675]

I don't know what else to offer but a hug. It's rough out there

[@TC-ef2pp]

I totally get being on the receiving end. I have secure attachment. ( However, struggle with anxiety starting after having children.) Married 23 years and wish so much this was easier. It leaves me heartbroken over and over. I don't know when to throw in the towel on someone I care so much for. I truly want nothing but for him to be happy and whole. With or without me.

[@sunbeam9222]

I used to feel heartbroken for the longest time. I only managed to heal this , now I say only as if it's nothing lol but it took years and that was making sure ai keep good healthy and ongoing relationship with friends, family, my neighborhood, people in general, making sure I work at a job I like and have great relationship with boss and colleges, make sure I m happy with my body, my home, make sure every aspect of my life is in order, and I take care of me. Also ofc I reprogrammed subconscious mind. I'm ok, others are ok. We're all ok and life is to be accepted and enjoyed just a it is basically and not as ai want it through control ;) I was broken up with not so long ago, someone I love very much, but to my surprise, it didn't hurt anywhere near what I used to feel. This healing stuff really works.

[@recovermylife2976]

I don't feel bad for those demons they need to be single forever and the people they hurt need life time of love it's wrong to say you love someone and randomly leave them that's a choice

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

Heidi's talk is OK, but she never acknowledges the devastation they perpetrate. My Primary question to the Avoidants is: Do you want to continue a style that sends so many hearts into the dumpster?

[@angstrom1058]

I was in a relationship with a person like this. One heck of a painful rollercoaster. I cared a lot for the person, but eventually had to just walk away.

[@angstrom1058]

@@sabiofilosofo1306 Sorry, Sabio. :( But, there's hope. There are about 3.5 billion other choices out there many of which would love to be with you. :)

[@abolisher]

@@sabiofilosofo1306 I feel your pain brother I’ve been there as well just recently but it’s about knowing the world keeps moving. We have to continue forward.

[@lightofall]

Same

[@raynaldiinaray6691]

Im in the process of walking away from a relationship with a person like this. The chemistry was out of this world, we had our fair share of issues and we tried to work it out. But after more time passes by, the more distant and defensive she acts towards me constantly. I ended up always feeling like shit because every time I speak my mind or try to set boundaries with her, or just to even try and have a mature conversation about our relationship, I will always be at fault. There's never a middle ground, it's just constant blaming of each other. And she asked for time and space again and again and again. Until I hit a wall, and I realized that this is not healthy for me. I love her so much and still do and I tried to accommodate this pattern of behavior and be a safe space to her, hoping she would realize that this is not healthy to grow our relationship. But man, I was sacrificing my own sanity (I also have abandonment and attachment issues that I am working on, so it is very very painful for me to experience people whom I love, is distancing themselves away from me.) It still hurts like hell, I'm taking it one day at a time but good Lord... I feel so worthless from time to time man.

[@abolisher]

@@raynaldiinaray6691 how long was the relationship if you don’t mind me asking also you deserve much better than to be a punching bag from someone who doesn’t love you back the way you love treat yourself first before anyone else from this point on!

[@jahnayawashington7919]

Laying in my bed crying right now. Your videos have cured my lifelong confusion, shame and fear in the few months I’ve been watching you. It hurts so much unpacking this trauma but you make it so much easier to deal with. You are an ANGEL!! Thank you!

[@PiscesSun_Capricornrising]

My ex was fearful avoidant, but its like he was able to vomit feelings to his friends and family but NOT his lover. The relationship was conflict free but mostly because he was avoiding telling me his needs.

[@jallisabutler3224]

On top of all that, I feel that because we aren’t able to set boundaries and speak on our feelings is because we don’t want to add on to our trauma. So we continue to be fearful avoidant. It’s so hard to ask for what I need in relationships because it’s like I’m allowing the relationship to go wrong so I have a legitimate reason to go back into hermit mode and not really have to deal with things.

[@MildExplosion]

I've tried to explain this a thousand times: asking for what I need and facing the possibility of hearing a clear "no" is a thousand times scarier than just pretending I don't have needs at all. At least by staying silent, I can numb and distract myself from the pain of not having my needs met instead of looking the pain in the eye.

[@ld921]

@@MildExplosionwhat it is y’all need ? Omg just say it and I can make adjustments, the problem is that y’all not honest

[@Retrosenescent]

@@MildExplosionadditionally, sometimes stating my needs feels like a waste of time because I don’t want the other person to change. Instead I’d rather find someone I’m already compatible with

[@bryceoleski5680]

I just ended a relationship with a fearful avoidant, and it was incredibly painful. One day we were naming our future children, the next she looked at me with disgust. This video clarified a lot of things for me.

[@rizerek]

I feel like I was turned into a fearful avoidant by a series of bad relationships as a teenager/young adult. I used to be solid as a rock in relationships, but slowly transitioned into the on again off again pattern. And now I can't even get to the point of being on anymore. I love the flirting, early stages. But as soon as my feelings are reciprocated in a way that seems very real, I do a 180 seemingly against my will. And the argument can't even be made that I'm just interested in sex, because I don't even get that far. Sometimes I don't even make it to a first kiss....

[@silentsmilez503]

I think you are right on track, same here

[@Aya-yx6wq]

Totally feel you.all the excitement of flirting of knowing somebody new.expecting things to be dofferent this time .plus the mystery...once u start to where shit is going u like NEEH

[@jordanhealy1606]

This is the best summary of a fearful-avoidant. I’ve struggled relating with many videos describing this attachment style. Heidi, you hit the nail on the head… I tend to favor my autonomy/single hood more than you described, but I do wish to find connection, without enmeshment or being controlled. Finding someone I can trust with being vulnerable is scary because it simultaneously feels so good and so dangerous.

[@lurklingX]

i feel this on a super deep level. yeah, trust is hard to give, because it can so easily be broken. i think a lot of people don't see it as too important and so breaking trust doesn't mean the same thing to them. plus the plague of anti-empathy that's been rolling around quite a few years now.... so it's like.... you want connection, but you also don't want to get brutalized. part of it is reading the relevant red flags and avoiding people that *should* be avoided. toxic stuuuuuuuuuff. for one, those encounters set ya way back.

[@SandraWade666]

How about just remembering that when trust was broken before, it hurt but you survived it?

[@Retrosenescent]

@@SandraWade666that would be pointless because I would also remember that it wasn’t worth it

[@hcf555]

Did no contact for pretty much the first time with my last break up. It was fucking horrendously painful and I longed for him and missed him so much, then...started to read about attachment trauma, codependence, enmeshment etc..and watched a ton of stuff on KZbin (so thankful for such amazing stuff to watch) and realised how traumatised I was and the patterns of my relating. SO painful to process all this and grieve. Fast forward 6 months and I now have no idea what I saw in him! He was totally emotionally unavailable (as was/ am I by having largely unhealed cptsd) and actually pretty mean to me. I'm FA leaning anxious and he was the most DA person I've ever met. Terrible combination. Committed to myself now and learning to relate in healthy ways. No more crumbs from myself or others!

[@Virgolove]

This is encouraging:)💓I'm happy u are healing

[@rahul_bali]

Men can't ever actually move on. Sorry

[@dovahduck]

I'm literally the guy version of you. Did the other guy ever contact you to try to get back together after the last breakup?

[@hcf555]

@@dovahduck about 3 months post break-up I contacted him to say I was open to a friendship whenever if he was and left it with him. I thought I meant it at the time. By the time he got in touch a couple of months later I was too far into the trauma research to think it was remotely a good idea! He was pretty enthusiastic with replying to emails, that's all he ever was enthusiastic about anyway, but I just felt no desire to keep in contact, it felt too uncomfortable. I saw how there was zero connection between us, he had no ability to relate on a personal level, was gossipy and mean about literally everyone and I had no idea what I'd previously seen, other than just fantasy. His avoidant ways were really off-putting rather than appealing. I have no idea if he was harbouring any desire to rekindle anything but I didn't wait around to find out. Didn't reply to his last email and there's been nothing since. Thank god he didn't get in touch when I initially offered friendship or I may have got sucked back into something totally wrong for me!

[@peacejoy3629]

No more crumbs from myself or others. ✨

[@keddy5627]

I always thought remaining friends with former partners was a sign of maturity but truthfully it is just fear of letting them go completely…! I definitely relate to anxiety IN the relationship. Thank you, Heidi ❤

[@aselyne5631]

Am f.a who knows for a fact staying friends with exes is a hell no, I mean it's common sense

[@FruitsChinpoSamuraiG]

honestly it depends on the situation and how it ended. making sure you remain friends even after a toxic relationship is not it, but if you stopped dating after finding out you're just not a match for each other beyond friendship then why the hell not ?

[@angelasampayo936]

I was looking for content regarding this topic because I’m in a push and pull situationship with someone, and I wanted to learn something about them. It turned out it was me all the time :( I would’ve never guessed this. I honestly feel rejected often, even though I’m not being clearly rejected by anyone, but my extreme fear of rejection and abandonment makes me want to avoid the contact with the other person. I now want to apologize to every ex I have 😢

[@ireneedmonds4712]

Same…

[@crystalwaters9059]

Same here

[@lurklingX]

i feel this socially. fear of rejection gets high or triggered in various ways or keeps getting pinged, and eventually i reach a max of what i can deal with and back the f up.

[@TheHalusis]

yeah, i lost my best friend/wife then after I met a great gal but kept pushing away, finding reasons to break it off until there were actual reasons. Think i did it like 5 times, i think i feel love for her but i cant do it. ill be a monk now

[@bethaneegrace2810]

It's me, I'm the problem, it's me! Same. I also struggle with ADHD and rejection sensitivity disorder. The fear of rejection makes me crippled. In physical pain of the fear.

[@_JustEx_]

I wrote a lot so if you aren’t willing to read it all- I guess I really just want to know how to be there for my wife who has a fearful avoidant attachment-during a separation. I am a recovering anxious attachment person. Recently my wife (fearful avoidant) has decided that we should go our separate ways. Mainly because there was a lot of trauma in my past that I never dealt with that caused me to hurt her in many ways. I feel as though I was the first person she ever completely opened up to, over and over again. But I wasn’t in a place to ever understand her and consistently treat her in the way she needed. I ended up hurting her many times over. During this separation, we have been on a very limited contact situation. We would only talk about our daughter. However, during this separation, I’ve done a LOT of personal growth and through it all, I still feel as though I want to be with her. However, she hasn’t been able to do much work on herself because she hasn’t found a therapist that she likes and has kind of thrown herself into work. I don’t know how intimate her relationships with the other people in her life have gotten. But from what I know about their relationships, it’s never really been as intimate as she’s needed (and that’s before we were going through a separation). She came to visit a while ago and things went GREAT. After the trip, we started talking more and had one really deep conversation. After that, it’s like she ghosted me. I’m willing to fight for this relationship through times like these. But after watching this video I think I realize that she has a lot to figure out on her own. If anyone was brave enough to read all of this, I greatly appreciate it!

[@IAmTheQueen87]

She’s probably scared AF to open up again. Esp to someone who’s hurt her over and over again. And it hurts more when the person who knows you don’t have a lot of ppl to turn to hurts you. It makes you feel like you can never trust them the same cuz now you’re always questioning how real it is or if you’re actually waiting for more hurt to come. There’s always that wall that’s there now. She prob wants to be vulnerable again but can’t because she’s protecting her heart

[@suras8984]

She def got scared. She (probably) felt what you felt and then her subconscious mind triggered her into going into protective mode since you hurt her so many times. I would send her some Thais Gibson videos on attachment styles about anxious attatchment that explains you very well and say what you learned from it and how learning about your attachment style helped you grow as a person. And maybe she will feel like checking out some of this type of information on her own. If you do pursue with the intention of getting her back you have to becareful not to get triggered yourself as an AA because it will trigger her Dismissive side.

[@vida130]

Exavier I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was the AA and my husband was the FA. We separated and I started to get therapy and learned how to honor my feelings and needs. I worked with Adam Lane Smith to heal my attachment and went from Anxious to Secure. Heal your own wounds and learn how to be in a proper relationship with God, yourself, and others.

[@gacem.hassina]

Give her time , she will come back .…. Fesrful avoidant here .

[@LouCL1983]

@@gacem.hassina Do they come back if they started a new (potentially rebound-like) relationship? And if they say they love the new person and want to be vulnerable with them (after only 4-8 weeks of going out vs 8 years with me)?

[@adriennelatimer2491]

I have been married to a fearful avoidant man for 27 years. I am traumatized! The cycles made me feel crazy. We didn’t know what was going on and both say it is tragic. I never understood the closeness then the rejection. I have heard him say things about losing himself and didn’t understand why he felt that my “normal” need for closeness would make him feel like I was going to take him over! Ugh

[@comoane]

And now; let’s talk about you……

[@kayjohns7936]

The reason we don't break things off when we know we know we need to is typically because we have abandonment wounds and are extremely codependent. It is EXTREMELY painful to deal with.

[@TheDannalover]

What I can tell you is, the person that is left behind can be much more than heart broken. Wish I had understood better the pain my best friend was going through, it could have been life changing for both of us. No contact is a very hard, painfull way of ending what you think of as a long term, beautiful loving relationship.

[@KhalCrochet]

For the longest time my thought pattern was I don't need them and they don't need me, it couldn't be farther from the truth.

[@taylorsmith4128]

Wow! I do have friendships, but I’ve never felt like I’ve had friends who were emotionally intelligent when it comes to romantic relationships. I am working on expanding my circle to include people who are not just totally traumatized by their families and unable to form healthy partnerships.

[@thinkfirst1989]

I'm never ready to go no contact with my partners when the relationship is ending regardless of if I'm kind of the one ending it or not. Once I love someone, I love them forever for the most part. I have built friendships to try to balance my emotional needs, and not solely rely on my partner - but then I fall so in love, or I want to be with that person so much it's hard to maintain other relationships.

[@susannahpearethcan5ing]

It’s a nightmare being on the receiving end of this

[@breannaswagerty7075]

I haven't heard anybody talk about the difficulty in finding people who understand the unique and challenging life path of someone with this style. Thank you for speaking to and validating this aspect.

[@1icybluedog]

Oh Heidi!!! My ex partner and I watched this video and decided it would be best to try out the 6 months to a year no contact healing journey. We may end up realizing we arent good for each other during that time .. 1 month in and I can feel myself swinging all over the place emotionally. Some days I feel hyper independent, some days I feel like Im drowning in numbing out activities and sometimes I unblock them and hover over the *send* button to a "lets just call this off" text. But im trusting the process. Trusting that being able to show up with boundaries and a community on my side who deeply loves and supports me, will help me find answers for the me who searches for external influences to calm the inner storm. This video changed a lot for me. And Im ready to take my relationship's seriously. Ugh its so hard though lolol the inner drama in LOUD

[@AreliiLuna]

Omg I'm going thru a similar situation 😭 the inner drama is real but I'm willing to do the work, im glad to hear im not the only one 😅we got this 🙌🏽

[@ioanacmr]

But aren't you afraid they will find someone else? OR maybe you will. I would be in constant anxiety thinking they might be dating someone else and it all goes to sh*t. Getting back together after deciding to do this together and finding out he slept or dated other people would kinda break my heart.

[@1icybluedog]

Honestly the more time goes by the less anxiety I feel about what they are doing. I miss them a lot, but I hope they are developing meaningful relationships to themself and those around them. I wouldnt be upset if they slipped and sought out external reassurance. I feel like in healing, it's important to realize there ARE other options that are healthy out there too. But it's the devoting yourself to coming back to the journey that I am personally hoping for. I did not take time needing for the end result for us to be healthy and better. But for us to both come out on the other side stronger and more in touch with ourselves. You have to be willing to face what comes up on the other side of the unknown. This journey has been helpful to me in choosing me, that is all I choose to focus on. Whats meant for me will align with my secure self esteem and strong boundaries

[@josephsilva5464]

@@1icybluedog what is the update? I hope you both are doing well :)

[@1icybluedog]

Still no contact! I can still deeply feel my cycles of activation and deactivation in my thoughts towards them, which I cannot lie stresses me out. Like some weeks I am so excited about my growth and hopeful for our potential future, and some days Im so upset with them for how the relationship went and swear they are dead to me. (I assume that is a part of healing lol) But I am also able to witness how I activate and deactivate in other areas of my life, like with work, family, friends.. in ways ive never seen before! Which ultimately feels like the goal right. To be able to develop skills of security in all areas of my life? It's nice to not be so consumed by relationship chaos, but I still think of them heavily every day. I have also noticed a layer of grieving come up for old relationships I never faced the discomfort of. Ultimately I feel so much stronger as an individual as I have more respect for my ability to set boundaries and communicate in difficult situations.. but not projecting my insecurities on anyone else and having to face it all without romantic comfort is so uncomfortable. I hope they are navigating the no contact with so much curiosity and love for themself, they deserve the inner peace

[@ericagarvey3748]

This helped me to understand a relationship I just experienced. I was so hurt and confused when they ended it abruptly. Watching this helped me feel compassion for them instead of anger, which was not serving me in moving on. Thank you Heidi for helping us all.

[@sunbeam9222]

Someone who ends up a relationship abruptly is disregulated. We can only feel anger when we're disregulated ourselves. Which is fine. It's then a process to recognise it and regulate again. Then compassion happens.

[@Werksonek]

Even though I have probably the most difficult moment ever and still a lot to heal, I'm so proud of my self right now, seeing how couple years passed and that pattern doesn't apply to my life anymore. I can resist urges like that and my relationships are for sure better and more authentic than ever, also the romantic one.

[@vixenvalenzuela]

Thats amazing !

[@fizahaque]

I’m so happy for you. As for me. I’m still healing ❤

[@Werksonek]

@@fizahaque yeah, I broke up with my partner, we're on good terms and I try to let it go. I'm not going to just jump right back in from the volatile place, it's time to take care of me. 💚💜

[@fizahaque]

@@Werksonek totally understandable. You got this. ❤️ Best wishes in advance for the next year 🥂

[@bernadettemeade7259]

This is how I relate in relationships with men. I can be vulnerable with friends no problem. When I start to date a man it's like my brain becomes scrambled and I'm hijacked by intense anxiety attacks, need to end the relationship. Boundaries are difficult as I feel once I've agreed to something there no way back then I'm trapped and I'm climbing the walls with anxiety, can't sleep/ eat and the only way to cope is end the relationship. Yes there's been trauma not awful longterm, I guess enough to have developed these coping strategies which are anything but! In therapy I would say I don't know how to be in a relationship. I have had one very important longterm relationship with an older man who passed away, it was very intense and passionate on both sides, very calm no drama , never felt overwhelmed or trapped. Safe loved, taken care, affection, physically tactile. Since his death when I like a man is available, i don't know what to do with his compliments, interest it feels too much. Yet I feel lonely and do feel incredibly upset emotionally and grieve each time another relationship ends. 😔

[@benf1111]

I relate to this so much. For so long I felt like the only person who struggled with this.

[@anonymouskat6661]

wow guys i also relate. thank you so much for your share

[@NewNovemberRain]

🎯

[@lyndseygolden7546]

I am going through this, I just recently felt well and solid on my own and then a relationship showed up and I feel these things and like some one just stuck a straw in me and sucked all the work I’ve done for myself back out. It’s very disregulating and the worst time of year for my mental health to manage more things well. Your comment was very relatable I feel unable to talk about it because other people assume it’s great. And instead I suddenly find myself on an emotional rollercoaster without context.

[@bernadettemeade7259]

@@lyndseygolden7546 I feel for you.

[@classreductionist]

Great video. Thanks. As a 40+ male I've pretty much never "ended" a relationship with a woman because men have a much more difficult time getting intimacy. However I have VERY VERY OFTEN felt like I'm being smothered and I'm losing my autonomy in relationships and withdrawn to the point where the women break up with me. Sort of like "Quiet Quitting". The demands on my personal time become too great for me to deal with. I just want to be alone and do my hobbies and I feel enormous resentment at the constant demands on my time so I just sort of pull back. THis eventually makes the woman mad and she breaks up with me. The worst part is that this causes me great distress because I didn't actually want the relationship to end. I just wanted more boundaries but I felt (or in my head I KNEW) that asking for boundaries/more free time, etc would make the woman mad and she would break up with me anyway.

[@classreductionist]

Then I of course push to remain friends with the woman and then one of two things happens: We start sleeping together again and get back together...causing a repeat of the above pattern and making that woman despise me forever. Or 2 - She rebuffs my attempts to sleep with her again and/or dates other men which hurts me emotionally, again, and I get really mad and cut her off despise the fact that I totally did this to myself.

[@lindsay3793]

​@@classreductionistYou are basically my fiance. He's doing all of that, acting like I'm smothering him when I merely want a hug or kiss and to feel connected. He acts like he hates me right now. I don't know wtf to do to fix this, it's maddening. I just want to feel like we're on the same page and connect but because of this, in his head he decided I'm the enemy.

[@54Shadowolf]

​@lindsay3793 as someone who is exactly like the other guy and is currently trying to heal and become a more in touch with my true self person. The only thing you can do is bring to light that you are aware of their patterns and that you want sit and talk about what's going on in their head so you can have a better understanding of them. They will fight you and kick and scream that nothing is wrong and that you're just overreacting to him(might even say some really hurtful words). But stay firm on the fact that you want to be there for them and you don't want to see them going down a dark path. But also say that you are not going to sacrifice your boundaries to keep them in this push/pull cycle. With being an FA we have this idea that you're going to leave us so why don't we just push you away now so we can feel like "you didn't fire me I quit". And then we will appear again in your life looking for you to be our safe place again when times are rough. I hope this helps you and I hope you have a great day!

[@coreyself2983]

You said you felt that if you mentioned boundaries that they would dump you anyway. So then you didn't actually communicate that? So you withdrew and left them with the emotional distance?

[@lindsay3793]

@@54Shadowolf Thanks for your reply, sorry I didn't see it sooner. He discarded me, broke off our engagement, said all sorts of unnecessary, undeserved hateful things to me. I had to move back in with my parents 😱 All I can do is give him the break up... And suffer. I'm effing crushed. Cannot stop obsessing about him (not that I would let him know that). I didn't do anything crazy, didn't blow up his phone, just went away. I am hurting so bad. 💔💀

[@justSymiah]

I love this , especially the google doc recommendation. Whats been working for me is writing out my feelings , uncensored, for 12 minutes and then burning it. During the writing process , im purging everything I feel , my anger , my sorrow , grief , my anxiety , my yearning, my shame & .. even my expectations for the person… sometimes , memories. Im giving myself closure. Rule of thumb : I don’t re-read it & I don’t focus on writing neatly … and i watch it burn . After this , i feel better . And i repeat it as many times as necessary for me to move past the moment. It’s emotionally vomiting and it feels better to get it out. Its been a few weeks since the breakup and I can’t even find the words to tell my friends … but this is helping me so much

[@jessd956]

Thank you for this remind her. I’ve heard of something like this, but never tried it and I think it could be helpful. I’m glad it’s helping you.

[@user-pr7xv2ey4w]

Without probably knowing it, you are executing one of the most researched methods of healing journaling! I just heard about it on hubermans podcast. Literally, just write for 15 minutes without taking pen off the paper, no need for writing neatly or rereading it. Great coping and healing tool!

[@ALT3REDB3AST]

This sucks cause you dont really know you have issues until you're in a relationship that exposes that you do! I just want to be happy. Learing and seeking therapy.😪

[@175dell]

This video describes my GF. 😔 I love her so much. She broke my heart, only to get back with me a week later and apologized. I genuinely want to help her but she has to want it and has to be aware of her tendencies. I give her space when she wants it and give her love when she's feeling like being close. Ultimately she needs to get help, I just know where I fit into the equation. I want what's best for her, I just hope there's a way I can be with her in a healthy relationship.

[@JeanneHidalgo]

Oh my gosh. I’m almost 60 and have been struggling since my divorce with 3 long term relationships where I showed up as a fearful avoidant. Thank you for the language and insights that I will use on my journey of healing. ❤

[@frankielyman8769]

I went through this a lot. She’s right. Had a lot of neglect as a child from my parents and siblings. You or I can’t victimize ourselves. We have to forgive ourselves, others , focus on who we wan to be and for the next relationship, explain to them that real love is going through the storm , not around it.

[@beccf.s.8012]

❤❤❤

[@mariamacedo2008]

We broke up recently (again), I felt like he betrayed me so I blocked him. I was fine until a month after the breakup, when I started really feeling sad but no one to talk to. I have a friend but I am not able to tell them how I really feel. It’s just very difficult to cry in front of anyone. So I do get the urge to call my ex but I always wait until he’s the one calling me. And once he does call, I go back. But not this time, because I watched this video and finally understand why I’m willing to take him back even though he’s not what I deserve. It’s my inner child patterns. Thank you ❤ Would love a video on how to open up to a friend or how to be vulnerable. Why it’s so hard to cry in front of others but we do it when we’re alone.

[@salehaxox7381]

This is exactly how I am it is such a. Struggle

[@rahul_bali]

Crying, I can't even alone. I had to call my ex a few times to cry on call to her, without actually telling her why am I crying

[@dovahduck]

Did you break it off with him or did he break up with you? I'm in a similar situation.

[@emyyyxx]

are we dating the same guy

[@theeladyj]

Relatable

[@soonsims]

My ex was avoidant and that traumatized me very much throughout our fights especially since I am anxious attachment. He always put the blame on me for me wanting time together and assurance but he never realized his behavior is unhealthy and never acknowledge that the way he treated me was not ok. Now after we break up I'm trying to heal and move on and he keeps texting me "how are you" messages. It's very annoying I want him to leave me alone and stop messing with me. These people are the absolute worst for anxious attachment people.

[@artisticagi]

The best advice I ever got from a good friend was to block my abusive ex on all platforms-that and having a friend to talk to helped me finally move on

[@JDMSakura]

I'm in the exact same situation right now, my fearful avoidant (3 year relationship, dumped me over 10 times, yes I'm stupid lol) left me 8 months ago by text then instantly ghosted and blocked me, I couldn't even respond, he got into a rebound just a few weeks after. He unblocked and reached out last month because him and his rebound had an argument, he came back all apologetic, desperate to be my 'friend', kept messaging me, then out of the blue ghosted and blocked me again last week for seemingly no reason, we were just small talking. Now I'm heart broken all over again. I wish I hadn't of been so kind and forgiving now, he's living his best life with another woman thinking he didn't hurt me and I'm a mess, lesson learned. I wish I could forget him. 😣

[@Virgolove]

Mines pretty similar...are you ok...❤

[@angelawhite3769]

he’s a narc i’ve dealt with this too

[@rahul_bali]

I am that guy, I did that. However, she cheated on me and then lied about it. I don't like these kind of women who can't admit their doings, I had an understanding with her. Mind you, women are too clingy like, I couldn't talk to my friends on phone without having 10 missed calla from her. So, it goes both ways. You get some you lose some.

[@instagamrr]

Wowwwwww. I’ve been studying about being an FA for about a year now, and this just taught me so much I hadn’t realized - including running back to the same people who hurt me to feel better. I couldn’t figure out why I was doing that, I felt like an abused dog running back to its owner and unable to control myself. I’ve literally used that exact analogy to explain it before. Thank you so much for all this insight!

[@tylaj19]

Just left a fearful avoidant person! It was in and out, and extremely draining. Even while we were on good terms he would still be distant as if he didn’t want me to get too close. Very guarded among other things. This pattern is toxic and damn near destroys the other person that is simply trying to love and care for you! If you know that you have this attachment style please do not date. Work on healing, get therapy and practice self love. It is not fair to date ppl knowing that your lack of stability and irrational mixed up behavior is going to effect someone else. HEAL!

[@Clarissa-lm5rj]

Thank you! I’m the fearful avoidant and I just broke up with someone I was talking to and now I want them back. The struggle is real

[@ckl5801]

Stay strong and work on generating deep and great self love ❤

[@stevet744]

What’s so wrong with going back if it was a good relationship?

[@susandavis8528]

I'm so moved to hear this explanation about going back to the partner as the only person who can give comfort...did that for years, and have spent years working on my trauma history, and cultivating a support network of friends and spiritual community. It has been hell, at times, as Heidi says, but so worth it.

[@luyandaketelo]

This is so much gold, I can feel my heart weeping a little cause everything I’ve felt is suddenly making sense 🥺

[@Jnicho04]

I wish my Fearful-Avoidant Ex would watch this video and actually try to do the work to get back to where she could be a stable partner. Thank you Heidi, I appreciate you.

[@marekin8024]

What I have realized about the fearful avoidant. We generally don't feel like we're the problem🥲

[@kushan_tk]

​@@marekin8024yup. My ex genuinely didn't feel like she did anything wrong

[@jessicar5314]

Would it backfire to send an avoidant, that doesn't realize they're an avoidant, one of these videos?? Would it be a relief of understanding why things are the way they are for them? Or would it makes them feel worse about themselves? Or offended? 😔 I just want to help.

[@FigureOnAStick]

​@@jessicar5314 general rule of thumb is that sending self-help resources to people uninvited is bad. Even if you do it from a place of genuine kindness and loving support, if they don't want it it'll feel controlling or manipulative. You can't heal other people, you can only ever help them heal themselves

[@CourierSix9]

I’m a recovering fearful avoidant, I leave relationships or put up walls from fear of being rejected by the people I love or when I have failed or have a sense that I let them down. I’m so hard on myself I’m convinced they are better off not dealing with me. I’m learning to deal with my flaws and become better for me and my very loving and patient partner. All I can do is be the best person I thrive to become, learn to trust and forgive myself.

[@disdroid]

great that you are making a recovery! my partner and I went though this together. we had a therapist who explained to us about "inner child work" and how to achieve a "reconnection". the treatment went in stages, finishing with her shift in attachment style. after this we became an ordinary couple, and blissfully happy. Best wishes for your recovery!

[@saintultra2737]

In the most respectful way possible, stay away from relationships until you can break the habit of mistreating or neglecting your partners. It’s not fun dealing with Fearful-Avoidant BS.

[@disdroid]

@@saintultra2737 my partners therapy involved her stepping back from the relationship and facing her own inner needs, but to do this she needed to feel secure in a relationship to give her the courage to turn around and look inwardly. on top of this she had neurological issues - curing the BPD didn't cure her behaviour entirely, but it did make it more manageable and stopped her going into a downward spiral. in her case the behaviour was a contributing factor to the psychological disturbance. we had the advantage of having been extremely close throughout our childhood and whilst we grew up so there was no need to break the ice, and we had several attempts at a relationship before finally settling down aged about 50.

[@CourierSix9]

@@saintultra2737 don’t worry we broke up on new years. Currently working on myself. I miss them but I’m to much at the moment. I’m learning and I’m realizing my flaws.

[@kissinbandita]

I’ll be 42 this year and I have struggled each and every year I can remember with every single barrier you have named. I have felt so much shame and guilt for the pain that I’ve caused others at the very same time I feel like I am running for my life… usually after years of probably mild dissociation that I knew didn’t feel right but at the same time was also somehow making it all possible. Making survival possible. This video was made with romantic relationships in mind… but I am sitting here, crying because I just realized that my therapist keeps saying I haven’t mourned the loss of my brother (which I just couldn’t seem to understand)… and I get it. I get that I didn’t know how. And then my partner and I had a baby, and after almost 9 years together, almost 4 years since my brother passed, a degree, multiple promotions, learning to care for my child in a way that I NEVER saw modeled so I am ALWAYS afraid that I am somehow damaging him so I dove into attachment parenting, and many, many years of just repressing, abandoning, I mean- you named every trick in the book that I could never name on my own… I left my relationship. Left the house, took the one person I felt anything for anymore like I was someone else. My kid just got home 🤦🏻‍♀️ I am eternally grateful for what you are doing. So sorry for the novella

[@davidjacobsbasically]

Thank you for talking about these issues with insight and compassion. As someone with FA attachment I feel very seen and that hope is not lost!

[@StephOfTheCity]

This is it. I've never felt more seen or had a clearer picture of my exact behaviors than in your video. I am going through this now after going "No Contact" for 10 months and find myself triggered, abandonment wounds showing up. I fully know I selfishly want to apologize to him to absolve myself from the shame of knowing I hurt someone I love. Even though I know it's a bad idea and we should not be together. Working on forgiving myself. Just feels so sad not having this person in my life.

[@dariosergevna]

Why do you think it’s selfish- to apologize? Working on the same issue. 1 year and 2 months here, but he’s hurt me a lot. And still hard to forgive myself for running after him, when he gave me breadcrumbs…

[@resueah7257]

Meanwhile sitting here in limbo waiting on my apology from a dismissive avoidant so I can move on...

[@takeyourpowerback6104]

I hope all you guys reached out to your ex and apologized. Not in a sense of giving them hope but if accountability for your insecure attachment and what it caused.

[@peacejoy3629]

@@resueah7257 I was at this exact same situation.. move on drop everything and LEAVE. the questions, what ifs and whys even ur love for him drop everything and set yourself free. A DA will never apologize or care for closure or to clear things out. I did it and I disappeared he thought I would never but I did. left him playing on his own.

[@StephOfTheCity]

@@sabiofilosofo1306 wow that is exactly how I behaved; cornered, trying to escape, feeling engulfed, to the point of meanness. I do not want to behave that way in future relationships and I am actively going to therapy, reading books, and even trying out Crappy Childhood Fairy CPTSD practices and also not dating. The biggest take away is that I need to forgive myself and take healing trauma slowly. I don't want to get back together with my ex and I decided if we ever run into each other I will apologize then but I am not going to reach out since he was very attached to me and I may honestly hurt more or he could be fully over it and I don't want to "raise the dead" so to speak.

[@kaylatheholisticmuse]

Wow, I used to think I was anxiously attached. But I now see I’ve swung to the other end of the spectrum because this is what I’ve been going through. Thank you so much for this insightful video. I was thinking I needed to break up with my partner because I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed. But I’m truly lacking the proper boundaries.

[@jasminet3419]

Heidi, thank you so much for everything you do. I am sitting here crying because for the first time I feel so seen, like finally someone is here to show me the way out of this hell. I am still dealing with the shock of realising I am a fearful avoidant, and it's such a tough pill to swallow... But I am thankful you are here with me. Thank you for making these videos and baring your soul to benefit all of us who really need it. I truly believe you are saving lives. It's difficult for me to imagine that one day I will feel safe enough to be seen and confident enough to be on KZbin, but seeing you makes me feel that it's possible. Words can't describe how grateful I am to you.

[@jasongibson8870]

I like what Heide said about learning to like yourself. Key for me with working to remedy thus pattern of my behavior was learning to love myself and showing up as my own best friend. I'm an accepting, loving and supportive friend to others and now I provide it for me. And going through a breakup suddenly from an FA pulling away at the heights of love and connection emerging I feel all the pain I've caused to others and have to be willing to forgive myself for the grief I've caused others. I now can feel how terrible it is.

[@deinotarius8806]

Around the exact date this video came out I just went through a breakup with someone I'm deeply in love with who (unfortunately I realized too late after the fact) shows this pattern. On my part, up to this point I had managed to keep my own opposite anxiety more or less under control until I went a bit too overboard one evening (I panicked) and she shut me completely out. I realized I was powerless and the only thing I could do is leave her completely alone. I have been cykling from intense heartache and back again to a strange reassurance that she will open her heart again the way she did from the start. Watching this explained from the inside out is really helpful, but also somewhat frustrating. I mean, there's part of me screaming out "Come on! Why does it need to be so complicated!?". Of course I know why. We all have our scars on the soul, some more than others. These explanations really help me be even more empathetic towards her, and also even more patient. I did send her a nice hand-written letter on nice paper and expressing lots of tender feelings and thoughts to wrap things up a bit yet leaving them also open. A kind of half goodbye standing in an open doorway. Part of me hopes she'll be reminded of how well I treated and supported her and maybe we'll have another shot. I just really hope we can fix this again, because I think the world of her. 😥

[@1337Tempest]

I could have written this exactly. It's difficult being split between trying to move on and holding hope for a possibility of mending things. Looking for answers about what went wrong. These kinds of problems are fixable, but only if both people are aware and willing. And if not, we must respect that. Either way, it can be used as an opportunity to grow and be wiser in the future.

[@1337Tempest]

@@sabiofilosofo1306 sorry you went through that and good on you for doing what's best.

[@sinisterkitty8411]

I want to tell you that sometimes the more "good" and reassuring the partner is, the more we run. We run because we think we don't deserve you, because we know we will ultimately hurt you, because we can't live up to who you are or what you are offering us...

[@theRagingFeminist]

@@sinisterkitty8411 thank you so much for this.

[@kcurby]

Really brilliant stuff. Logically I see/understand why I do what I do, but emotionally I almost have no control over my own feelings. Sometimes it's like I'm on the inside looking out trying to mother an unruly child. My intentions are never bad but I still hurt other people and myself. Loneliness is like a sickness. Thank you for shining a light on this subject.

[@5747589]

My ex who was a complete avoidant studied psychology in college yet still believed whole heartedly that she was secure. That she had no issues, I was the only one that had major issues.. even someone saying that goes to show the amount of self awareness they have .. what to do if someone you care about doesn’t even accept they need to grow, if they believe they’ve already done their growing. She was sooo defensive and always spoke from a place of ego, she had the potential to spread kindness but due to her ego, she hurt me A LOT. There was a lot of making me question my sanity. She even said “i have dementia”. She was hypocritical, she would bring up that one thing I did years ago that “completely shattered” her trust but when I try to reference something that hurt me last week that she did, she would say it’s in the past. It was an absolutely exhausting relationship. I developed panic attacks and would have vivid nightmares every night. and i was in denial for most of it as I’m anxious attachment style.. i bawled and considered even ending my life after she broke up with me over text after 4 years with nothing for me to hold on to, no explanation, no “let’s talk it in person”. I moved on for the most part in 6 days thanks to my amazing circle of faithful friends who I had isolated myself from while in a relationship. But they came through for me, reminding me I wasn’t too much, I wasn’t a burden, I wasn’t terrible like she always made me feel..

[@lurklingX]

just fyi, there are good people who enter that field, but it also pulls in a ton of disordered people. i'm into psychology but decided not to pursue the field. my ex also is interested, and later did, but full blown borderline personality disorder (and suspected narcissistic PD.).... she shared a lot of the things you describe here about your ex. it sounds like she might have had one or both of those as the traits are SUPER common. gaslighting, conflict *escalation* instead of resolution, the appearing lack of self awareness, hypocrisy. what you went through is one of the hardest thing a person CAN go through in a relationship. it's shattering. you probably still carry trauma from it. hell, a mutual friend of ours who is now solely my good friend, even 10yrs later is some ptsd. it's just.... a lot. all of it. something you may find helpful is the reddit threads for partners of BPD or Narcs.... people relay experiences they are currently in or ones they HAD been in. seeing that you aren't alone, understanding it's NOT you, it's them, and will happen to whomever they are close to.... it can give you perspective. it all makes perfect sense when you realize there might be specific disorders involved and you can stop "making sense of it" by blaming yourself.

[@pugjuice8462]

@@lurklingX Not at all meant as an offense, but this reply itself sounds like it came from a place of ego. The original comment is focused on how horrid the ex was - whether or not the ex had mental issues is beside the point because even IF she didn't have mental issues she'd still have been acting like a manipulative ass. Because those with neurotypical brains and non-traumatic childhoods can behave like assholes either way. In addition, those who consistently work on themselves despite mental issues have far greater potential to be secure rather than those who condemn anyone with mental issues solely for not having been born into a safe childhood/having a neurotypical brain. There is a false idea that having mental issues cannot be recovered from nor can said people be reasonable. This idea makes it difficult for people with mental issues to find resources that would help subdue any disordered patterns of cognition, due to the world at large believing that they're a hopeless cause. It can be a cycle that leads to harm for any side involved.

[@pugjuice8462]

I'm sorry you've been through that, it's great news how you have support to turn to. Her actions are reminiscent of gaslighting techniques.

[@lurklingX]

@@pugjuice8462 sounds more like you just got triggered. you also read a lot into what i was saying. anyone who works on themselves will be stronger. and yes, neurotypical AND not can both act like @ssholes. i also find it hilarious you are making assumptions as to whether i am neurotypical or not. (i'm not) i won't apologize for mentioning mental illness as a potential factor to be cognizant of, as i think it plays part in a greater number of relationships than people realize. that's not a condemning of people with mental issues - which is how you seemed to take it and why i said you seemed triggered. perhaps you are unaware of the absolute AGONY of being in a relationship with untreated mental illness and everything gets chaotic and nonsensical and you are constantly second-guessing yourself or being gaslit? so whatever. ego? pfft. i think some of these rships can actually be saved, with awareness, treatment, therapy. and awareness and therapy would be great for EVERYONE. but go ahead and create a narrative about me to suit yourself, i guess. 🤷

[@dariosergevna]

@@lurklingX People with any diagnosis are really different, please don't put a stigma on a diagnosis. those who decides to search for help are already pretty aware people that care for themselves and others. it doesn't help to stigmatize things. toxic people are unaware people that don't care, I know people with BPD who really work on themselves.

[@whitneybobitney]

This video made me feel so understood! I have thought I must be asexual yet I am attracted to people, maybe some weird stranger kink yet I have horrible social anxiety, maybe just a flat out narcissist who love bombs and leaves people in the dust when convenient yet I deeply care about my kids and loved ones. No explanation ever fully encompassed my behavior with men. I was just going over with my sponsor that I feel actual DISGUST once I get close to a guy I am dating and I don't know what's wrong with me. Thank you SOOOOO SO much for this video, it finally described me perfectly when nothing else made sense

[@JM-zz3vs]

OH MAN, this is my ex. We went on a few dates when we were getting to know each other , there was a connection and everything was going well and all of a sudden she didn't want anything anymore, I was so confused because everything was going so well. Months later I reach out and we start going out again , become bf-gf, we start getting closer and then a break up . Everytime I get close to her she distances herself . Too much family and past relationship trauma. I understand the way she is now, but it hurts me and I don't know if I could take her back, I don't want to keep getting hurt.

[@Ri69erz]

👏👏 amazing..! I've recently split with a girl who was abused by her own "dad" since a child including last year when I was dating her.. when her unsolved trauma and C-PTSD came to the surface it was the hardesttttttt mentally challenging situation I've ever been through at age of 33! I wish I seen these videos before we cut contact a few days ago..my head is still spinning it's destroyed my life and outlook. Pleaseeee can you do a video for couples in this situation to watch together and help them overcome the struggles and communication stages.. the love I have for her and she has for me wasn't the issue we split, would have done anything to help her get out of her old life and be trusting and safe enough to help her! 😭

[@Ikr2025]

From my experience a lot of trauma started to appear in my 30s. Maybe its the decade that memories start to surface and strong emotions come up but we don’t have the knowledge to know how to understand or cope with them. I think a therapist would be needed in you partner’s case.

[@Ri69erz]

@@Ikr2025 first time she was treated right and loved and been loved.. he went around and started abusing her in a flat they owned that she moved into to get away from his drinking and abusive behaviour with mum etc.. it triggered her as it hadn't happened for a while..he used it as an excuse to punish her. Unfortunately she's wrapped up with living hope church and the people she goes to for help don't know the full truth and basically it's all too messy! He has her back and locked up now after finding out about us.. I've done all I can, even told his brother so hoping someone breaks her free of this life

[@traumaofmoney]

I had the most beautiful authentic connection with her but then started to build walls and deactivate and went on and off. I think I have traumatized her since she’s anxiously attached, I broke up with her and didn’t feel ANYTHING until 2 months after the breakup and didn’t know where those intense feelings are coming from I had no clue what was going on with me I missed her so bad and I was crying all day for no reason. I apologized for my actions and was able to hold myself accountable but she didn’t get back to me and I’m glad she had the courage to make that decision I’m happy for her that she chooses herself now, I still love her but I choose to let go of her cuz I’m too far from being a secure partner.

[@angelgalindo5740]

wow, this advice is universal!... I just had a falling out with a coworker where they pissed me off to the point where I told them off to ultimately set some firm boundaries between us! I've been stairs all my life, but standing up for myself and gaining respect at work feels nice...plus it carries over to other aspects of life!

[@thanjay1867]

So so grateful for this, this is absolutely my pattern. I fall in love quickly, I start to feel stifled and then I abruptly break it off... I usually feel good about being independent again and then, after a while, that person creeps back into my mind, and if they have moved on from me or found another partner, I absolutely lose my mind and desperately try to get them back. I know this is a horribly manipulative and unfair pattern and I've been really working on myself to be more secure in my attachments and to build real lasting friendships. I have a ton of childhood trauma, and have always been a loner, and then when a partner fails to meet all of my emotional needs, I just decide I'm better off alone. Now I know why my therapist always wants me to focus on my younger self. If anyone else has a pattern like this I'd love to know what you do to heal from it.

[@fedoralexandersteeman6672]

Someone like you just broke up with me. But I will bide my time and hope she'll return again, because despite all of this she's the most wonderful person I've ever met and I think the world of her.

[@thanjay1867]

@@fedoralexandersteeman6672 I'm sorry, friend, sometimes some time apart makes us realize what we lost. Either way, be your first priority right now!

[@sunbeam9222]

I too was left few weeks ago by someone who's like that. Every time our intimacy rises he gets into flee or flight mode. I don t blame him it's coping mechanisms, just hope he finds a way to exit this pattern and reach peace. You can look into NLP therapy or the Sedona method here on KZbin.

[@fedoralexandersteeman6672]

@@thanjay1867 Thank you! I hope she will come into contact with her actually strong feelings for me again in the not all too distant future. With all the love she expressed towards and the connection we felt, I cannot imagine otherwise, but it's hard to see whether she herself can overcome it. In any case, I have to work on my self now, and work on my own AP tendencies that got in the way of this wonderful thing we had together.

[@amandalee714]

It’s evil to keep interfering with her new relationships if you have no intention of committing yourself to making it work with her. She has a biological clock and only has a limited amount of time to find a decent partner and start a family. LEAVE HER ALONE

[@acharl1080]

They need therapy, not dating- it's cruel to other people. Self awareness is required in all relationships

[@onefortrees]

Heidi, wish you were still making content. You have really opened my eyes at 30 years old. I’ve also realized I need to switch my therapist closer to someone who is as straight forward as you are.

[@sumirei001]

Thank you Heidi for humanizing the avoidant experience. I’m familiar with my own avoidant attachment style and have made progress on it over the years, but hearing someone actually describe it from the inside really helps to lessen the pressure and the burden of needing to change, and helps me feel less alone.

[@annecameron3107]

I had never realized how fearful-avoidant I actually was before watching this. It's a nice feeling to be seen, and it's a great feeling to see I'm already doing so much to heal, and a lot of the advice I already kinda figured out naturally, hoping the unintegrated stuff will help out in the current storm. Here's hoping I can navigate this storm a bit more steadily. Thank you so much Heidi for sharing this.

[@refreshingtwist]

Thank you for being so kind an understanding to us who have this patterning. Whenever I view comments on videos like this, there can be a lot of bashing on the people that don't have secure attachment styles. Which just shows me that people lack an understanding of attachment styles. People don't like being fearful avoidant!!!!! And it's not like we can just snap our fingers and be perfect. It takes a ton of awareness of our patterns and lots of practise to change, and even then, it is a massive battle. So, if you find yourself reading this and wanting to bash your ex for "playing this game", remember to be kind. Be grateful that you don't do this pattern. Because it is also hell for the person that does it naturally. Even with so much awareness of this pattern in me, I can't seem to stop it. I tend to stay single for long periods of time, just because I hate going through these kinds of things.

[@tarothijadevenus4017]

I was on tears while I was listening to you. I feel so relief for knowing what’s going on with me and that there is a way to improve my attachment pattern. Thank beautiful ❤❤❤❤

[@xosinamari]

I’ve never felt more seen in my life nor have I ever cried watching a KZbin video but both happened during this

[@sebastiendeloumeaux7372]

This is so interesting! I definetely have this ego mentality of 'I can survive the cold like no other' and then getting crazy limerent and needy once I reach my limits. I have discovered that I am fearful avoidant thanks to you and my life makes so much more sense now. I need a better support system and I need to keep on developping self care habits and nurturing environments. Thanks for making all this manageable so I can have faith I can move forward in reality and not spending most of my time in fantasy land. I love you ❤

[@carleymills322]

I cannot thank you enough for this video and your insight. You are so incredibly wise and I am so grateful to the universe for putting your video on my suggestions. I needed this. This was so clearly me. I never had words describe my experience so accurately. Thank you for what you do, you rock! We are warriors and healing is tough but so worth it, thank you so much for that reminder and for your point of view as someone with the fearful avoidant attachment who has healed and moved beyond old patterning. Sending you all my gratitude and so many blessings. 🙏🏼💗🌈☀️

[@Em-hm9qt]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us Heidi ❤

[@teylergang]

You have no idea how much this has helped me. Thank you so much for making this video!

[@ellenpurce4536]

Hey :) I only found this channel the other day but everything you say resonates so much (almost painfully so), you have brought a lot of clarity to things I have been working on for the past few years. The tools you suggest have just brought a new level of understanding and empowerment to me already. Thank you for putting these resources out there for people to use

[@melanamims2622]

Wow this has hit me in a lot of ways. The man I loved asked why I wouldn't open up....why I acted like I was just to cool for it all. I wondered too but I thought it was just me. Now I see IT IS dysfunction. I have early childhood trauma but I thought I dealt with it. I have lots of friends but grew up far from family. I always want to reach out to my ex but I don't have anything to say. It's for comfort which is selfish so I'm trying to stop....and I'm afraid to try with him again bc I don't have the skills to deal with the things he does that trigger me. Thank you for this video and speaking as an actual avoidant.

[@jenean7374]

This was incredibly clear, such a depth of understanding and helpful.

[@sarahconnor3208]

Thank you ❤ this is my favorite channel

[@vemrith]

"Making the world a place that you belong in". A shot to the heart. This explains a lot about why I hold so bad onto the unique relationships that once meant the world to me and surprisingly maybe still do. As a FA, I think I fall into both 'cool life' and 'psychology geek above feelings' categories. And thanks for acknowledging that we don't actually need drama or any of that shit, it's revolting to our very core. It's been unspeakably hard, but I'm learning to let people come a little closer every time without shattering my whole system anymore, and I'm proud of myself for that even thought it still looks like one-step-forward-two-steps-back sort of a dynamic. And I'm actually loving boundaries, only wish I hadn't waited too long to have my whole energy and enthusiasm for life gone in their absence. But "there is a way in hell for me too"😏

[@heidipriebe1]

I love and resonate deeply with pretty much every line of this comment. I appreciate the humility you have in this approach - it really does feel like one step forward, two steps back at times. But it sounds like you're getting somewhere very worthwhile. Proud of us both ❤

[@peacejoy3629]

Same here.. i blame it on my star sign Sagittarius 😂

[@vishasaili7431]

This is the best way someone ever explained this ❤ thank you so much.

[@jontyscho]

This is incredible. So glad you popped up on my suggestions. Really connects a lot of dots for me. Sincere, insightful.

[@dee0731]

Exactly what I needed to hear, an answer to my prayers 🙌🏻

[@Tania-pz7cb]

Heidi, I’m pretty sure the attachment style you’re so thoroughly and clearly explaining is the DA: Dismissive Avoidant. The FA (fearful avoidant or better known as disorganised attachment) is a mix between anxious and dismissive and swings on a pendulum between these traits depending on the type they’re dating. They’re also very different than the anxious preoccupied (AP). I really wanted to send this video to a DA friend (who is dating an anxious leaning FA) but can’t because it will be confusing to hear his traits labelled as FA.

[@bonniemcclure1797]

Much of what she says makes sense for the fearful avoidants I have known, but not the part about not having many close platonic friendships. That does sound like more of a DA characteristic. My observation is that FAs lean on their platonic friendships quite a bit.

[@Tania-pz7cb]

@@bonniemcclure1797 The FAs you’ve known must have been leaning strongly towards DA. If you read or listen to other attachment theory experts like Thais Gibson and Daniel Siegle you’ll see most of what she describes here is not the classic FA (also known as “disorganised” attachment for a good reason).

[@tricebx718]

@@bonniemcclure1797 I’m a FA and don’t have friends so she’s spot on

[@hazelsalminen1448]

I'm pretty sure I'm FA, and I would say that I interpreted what she said about platonic friends a little differently. I have a few close friends, most of whom I've known since primary school. I actually feel close to them, but I have never really talked to them about "raw" stuff, like issues in my current romantic relationships, only once I've processed things and analysed them and feel more detached. This kind of behaviour she mentions in some of the other FA videos. DAs don't really feel emotional, or if they do, they just process it themselves, right?. Both AAs and FAs seem to become overwhelmed with emotions (at least at times). However, AAs are comfortable with and prefer to process them by talking to other people, whereas FAs struggle with wanting to share it with but also thinking they don't have the "right" to burden anyone else. Until they switch to detached mode and feel like "Why was I making this into such a problem?". So, they're either analytical or emotional, but can't connect the two. They (we) want to have the cake and eat it, too, and just get frustrated about WHY CAN'T THERE BE TWO CAKES - one for eating and one for keeping? 😅 Why can't we have intimacy AND independence?

[@toriambrr]

i majored in psychology in college and videos like this remind me of that passion i had for it since i was 15. i’ve always been aware of my trauma before i even knew what trauma was, and to this day it’s still so exciting to learn about. great video! thank you 😊

[@leahd7283]

This nails it on the head better than any other video I’ve watched. Thanks so much for verbalizing my feelings exactly.

[@egonisnoise]

Heidi you are amazing! Every single video of yours is a gold mine

[@cdgarcia]

Your words and the care you convey in this video is soothing to my soul thank you! You give me hope that I can heal

[@centerforinnerpeace2919]

This blew my head apart and allowed me to see how trauma bonding controls so many lives. Thank you for stepping outside your comfort zone to bring awareness and inner peace to others. Bravo!

[@Lostinstereo6]

Wow! I just discovered your channel and everything you said in this video resonated so much with my experience! It also comforted me in knowing that I am on the right track in healing and breaking this cycle within myself. This video this so wholesome and your delivery is beautiful!

[@SetDecRadio]

Thank you for the clarity your channel provides me. You are appreciated!

[@TwoBlackRings]

So, from the sincerest, most inspired place possible: This video is a true eye-opener. There is so much insight here. And, Heidi, your candid presentation and honesty is really encouraging.

[@aprilderome6270]

I can't thank you enough. You answered questions I've been searching for for 3 years. I'm in awe at how my life just changed in a matter of 30 minutes. Thank you

[@Dreamer30190]

Incredible analysis this makes so much sense

[@MonaLisaFace]

This is such a good video thank you. Probably the best explanation of FA and best advice on the internet I’ve seen in years .

[@euodiaclitterhouse4726]

I would like to hear how this manifests (and how to handle it) when the Fearful-Avoidant is your parent. And the pendulum swing of their love vs their absence is your childhood story.

[@violetgc6049]

I am right there with you!

[@roeadam]

Your videos have a way making me feel seen, devastated, and hopeful all at once. I have spent my entire life in the military. Stoicism is the emotional language, until it can’t be anymore and the anxious side blows up everything. I am working through this and your videos are a huge help. Thank you.

[@agnesclayton8096]

Brilliant and well spoken.Thank you for the insight.

[@ZoeMaier]

So brilliant, thank you for your wisdom 🙏