A Crucial Mistake Unfaithful Spouses Make in Recovery, Without Knowing It

Today Samuel shares a common mistake he would often make with Samantha that kept them stuck.
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Amanda, Florida
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

[@nate3031]

I agree the self-pity of the unfaithful is frustrating because it reminds the betrayed of their self-absorption and in some cases, dangerous narcissism. That doesn't bring safety.

[@sheliadirickson7611]

My unfaithful still does this, four years after finding out. Never really getting the whole story or reason why other than loneliness (work away from home for extended time). He won’t even give me the full on truth about it all. He likes the “I don’t know”, “I don’t remember” “I didn’t keep record of it all” type answers. He expects me to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen, while he has had the last four years to unload on me, doing things that are unspeakable. He still refuses help and still expects me to just “get over it already!” He says we have talked but no we haven’t, I get out a question or two or make a point or two, then it’s over. It’s him in the spotlight yelling screaming blaming vilifying me, as if I had had the affair. I’m at my wits end. I’m at the last of my give a dam. I don’t know what to do, other than leave or accept his behaviors and his infidelity as a-ok. The latter is not working for me. We are now at almost 30 years together. Just a few weeks til it’s 30 years. He’s become someone I don’t know and he’s not the man I married almost 26 years ago. I know I’m not the same after finding out so I don’t figure he will ever be the same either. It’s heartbreaking to have to face the probability of having to leave.

[@NicoleDeverney]

Omg….I’ve watched hundreds of these videos and I always read the comments to find anyone that remotely sounds like my story and yours is it! I was reading as though I wrote it myself! Even the years…both marriage and D-day! I too am at my wits end! I swept it under the rug, I’ve only had a question here and a question there but no real conversation much less any recovery. I finally started helping myself when I realized I couldn’t do it for him anymore. He too doesn’t like the “new me” which no longer puts up with his treatment of me or our marriage. He too was out of town for work for 10 months only to come back hating me and our life with the kids in 2013. Eventually living like roommates not knowing why til one of my daughters found “her” on his tablet and hidden in his contacts in late 2017. It all made sense finally. He lied initially saying they were just friends then trickled out with an apology. So after 4yrs of hating me now 5yrs of pretending we are fine…it erupted in me last year! He still refuses to watch a single video, read a book Mitch less go get counseling…I’m almost done. These videos explain so much more than just the affair…it’s everything! The years hating me and not knowing why is worse than the affair itself. Nothing has changed but me! I still have a little hope that our 25 yrs isn’t waisted. Prayers yours got better since your post! 🙏

[@unoduetredici4683]

So true - they caused the harm yet they are the one "truly" suffering, belittling what the betrayed feels.

[@jaeldavison9916]

I spend alot of time and mental/emotional energy on trying to reassure my husband yhat he isn't a bad person. Its exhausting, he still isn't empathic to my pain. I don't feel safe with him.

[@loreliem665]

😢 I am so sorry.

[@monicabrown712]

Your video was exactly what I needed. Last night I tried expressing how and why I get triggered by (seemingly) little things and was made to feel like "I'm holding on to the past". I felt devalued and unimportant enough to be listened to. I don't have the fight in me to save my marriage that was possessed 2 years ago ... upon D-day. I don't feel like I matter 😑

[@evandegenfelder4554]

I HEAR you. I do. We're 7 weeks post Discovery day--and this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with (and I've had a LOT). If we make it to 19 January, we will mark 39 years of marriage. Too much invested to just give up. Hang in. You DO matter. I hope things are better now.

[@dianeroeder3350]

I feel EXACTLY the same way!

[@dianeroeder3350]

​@@evandegenfelder4554 Those were great words! I'm 21 years in and really don't know what to do 😢

[@ivywildwss]

Are you still married? Are you ok? ​@@evandegenfelder4554

[@tedfekete9912]

I’ve watched and listened to many of your blogs and I have to tell you that this one made me really stop and think and it really resonated with me. Thank you.

[@loreliem665]

This is EXACTLY what I just finished telling my betraying spouse. He is holding everything inside. Sulking and making his betrayal all about himself!!! SELFISH!!! 😡 ALL about him!!! Not looking to fix anything. I'm not sure why I am still with him!💔

[@michaelcross8203]

I was the (emotionally)unfaithful. I did/do this…I honestly thought I was acknowledging and owning what happened, and that expressing my guilt and shame was reinforcing accountability.

[@kbucher6869]

My husband is consistently lying about details of the affair. We will make so much progress and then I find another lie and it sets me back. And it sets me back for weeks. He says he doesn’t remember a lot which infuriates me. He also turns everything into how he has awful thoughts and he tries to instill fear into me so I won’t ask questions or details to find all of his lies.

[@ffragqer]

My husband still doesn’t think about me at all , it’s been 3 months now since the reveal and I have been sending these very helpful videos and he says he just delete them and stop sending ! He says he knows he done mistake and know how to fix it , but honestly doesn’t understand what am going through or doesn’t help me at all . Do not know what to do as I want to save marriage .

[@Dawn-tv1bk]

Thanks for being honest in that it takes years to create consistency. It's not a few weeks and done kind of thing. I think that concept is foreign to many.

[@samshealingpodcast]

we are all works in progress. thanks for watching and commenting my sweet friend.

[@karmanobes4495]

I think you always make so many good points, my husband listens to most of the videos but is currently listening to the book “out of the dog house” and said he likes the way the message is in the book and I see the changes in him in a good way. We are 9 and a half months post D day and the holidays have been hard and I’m terrified of some horrible triggers and reminders coming up that lead to D day anniversary. Last night after a really good day I started to ask questions then flood and by the time we got home I got off the car angry and went inside, he sat in the car a bit longer and then came inside. This morning on my way to work my driver side visor mirror is broken I asked if he punched it and he said he didn’t but he obviously did 😞 I’m so sad because I’ve felt so much healing and progress why would he lie about that?? I feel like if he’ll lie about that he’ll lie about anything. I don’t want to start a new year with a lie even if not about infidelity.

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's a good book for sure. sometimes it's two steps forward one step back etc etc. i know it's painful and i'm sorry but don't give up. it takes a process in many ways my friend.

[@ggstorm8101]

I appreciate these videos so much.

[@SandraIjezie-izunna]

Thank you so much for this piece.

[@saraha86]

Thank you so much for this video... This put into words what I could not

[@novazo1]

All day long I've been going through this, taking in that did what I did, owning it. I have been a wreck all day long amongst myself. Anxiety hitting hard nonstop. First thing I see opening YT was this video.

[@sindisoberyldube3423]

I needed this. Thank you

[@lifecanbebeautiful6548]

My husband gets caught up in making it about his self I feel like I cheated on him.

[@lisa-marieshy9673]

Oh my goodness!! I LITERALLY just said this to my husband last week!!! Still didn't break the self-absorption walls down. I feel like I'm the one that betrayed him 😔

[@carolhopkinson189]

@@lisa-marieshy9673 my husband does the same 🙈

[@sheliadirickson7611]

Been on eggshells for four years. My unfaithful husband is the same way. Even still.

[@rockmeetspaper1166]

I needed to see this. Thank you!

[@antinsanwo]

This was really helpful

[@elisabethcappello9425]

Can you learn as an adult to be true empathic, if you haven’t learned it as a child growing up?

[@samshealingpodcast]

if you want to, yes i believe you actually can. it takes work, expert help and a commitment to the process, but you can definitely change and become empathetic.

[@elisabethcappello9425]

Thank you for your answer Samuel… All the way from Denmark Europe, my unfaithful spouse and I are really getting so my understanding for this topic by seeing your Great videos:) Either way they are really helping a lot of people around the world to understand! your are a savior:)

[@Ballajd1]

This is so helpful!

[@PvC63-Jan]

Hi Samual, I will send my wife this and hold my breath. I will report back...

[@kevinbeazy]

@ThePmvc How did it go?

[@PvC63-Jan]

Kevin B. Not that good ...

[@susanjohnson6549]

Hi. How long did it take you Samuel to get to this point?

[@samshealingpodcast]

hi there. a ton of therapy, personal reflection, personal confrontation and tears. soooo, if i had to ballpark it about 3 years or so....

[@SandraIjezie-izunna]

I am at this point right now

[@offroadchixrule]

Thank you!!! Great timing

[@christineclark3316]

I live this everyday...my husband still doesn’t get it and it’s still all about him....

[@janelleeveridge9470]

Mine too, and it’s been 9 months since I found out. I am almost to the point of giving up.

[@warrenbeetar2258]

What if my ex fiance doesn't want to save our relationship? What if she doesn't care about how she has broken my heart and has broken up with me because she doesn't want to deal with the consequences of her actions?

[@samshealingpodcast]

then it's sadly, time to heal yourself and start the next chapter of your new life my friend. i know it feels like the end of your world at some level...but it's not. it's a day by day journey to heal yourself and move forward.

[@abartlett7975]

let her go. Find someone else, if you weren't married and don't have kids, you don't have to stay.

[@cryan1287]

@@abartlett7975 even if he was and did have children, he wouldn't have to. I am an unfaithful wife 6 years since the affair, 15 months past DDay and we have a child... I tell my husband not to stay just because we have a child, because it's just not enough and it would be a waste of his life if he was unhappy in staying with me. It hurts I love him so much, so deeply, but I just want him to be happy however that looks with or without me. Our son would rather see a happy father, than one just going through the motions. I hope the OP sees that life can get better with someone new if he just does his own work...

[@GBTWC]

Great thank you.

[@susangaik36]

hope this helps you 'ladies'

[@Leah-fs7qq]

Can't "Men in Black" it. ☺️ I like that.

[@j.harris8349]

I needed this! Thank you