Soldiers and their toys by Lostfol | Humans are Space Orcs | HFY | TFOS1133

[@mitchcampbell4197]

I'm convinced that if humanity ever met alien's we'd just become walking sentient shitposts that are threats to societies if angered, like "Oh you wiped out a colony world? I'mma have to yeet you with a claymore roomba."

[@ObservingLibertarian]

.....well... i mean.... that's kinda how we are now....

[@krel7160]

@@ObservingLibertarian Yeah but how much worse is it with people who aren't us? We get outrageously furious if someone hurts our sibling because "Only I'm allowed to do that!" so what happens when some other alien force decides to pick a fight with one of us? The soviet union and NATO are at it for decades and in waltzes some random lunatic from space acting like he can get in on that action with a three way mexican standoff.. and suddenly the two greatest rivals in humanity's known history are shaking hands and kicking xeno posterior off of their world.

[@tachyon8317]

All while the immortal lyrics of "Never Gonna Give You Up" fill all comm channels

[@kalskirata42]

"Alexa... send for Mr Stabby"

[@etuanno]

Or Stabby, a roomba with a knife attached to it. xD

[@radioactiveassassin5218]

Wrong question at the end dammit. He should've asked: "Have you ever heard the tragedy of the Darth Plagueis the Wise?

[@Paultootall1971]

been ex-military i can confirm... as well as many others who have served... our capacity to "fek" about and make fun in totally serious situations knows no bounds

[@GhostBear3067]

Fire-EMS first responders have a similar capacity but we are encouraged to keep it low key around patients.

[@ballisticarc]

There was never, ever a single time during base defense exercises, when we were ordered into MOPP 4, that one of my troops wouldn't activate the electronic voice emitter module on his mask and go "Kssssss Huuuuuuh LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER".

[@jesseamaya4413]

@@GhostBear3067 I have had the dubious good fortune to have used ems services before. They are an absolute riot when the have a patient with a similar sense of humor. Other than the exposed bones good times.

[@GhostBear3067]

@@ballisticarc during this pandemic my ambulance company issued 3M Series 2600 half face respirators to the field crews and I have repeatedly been told I sound like Darth Vader when I wear that thing. I still think I sound a little closer to the Pyro from Team Fortress 2.

[@GhostBear3067]

@@jesseamaya4413 getting a patient that shares or just appreciates our sense of humor tend to make that call more bearable.

[@roberthilberling7668]

And that kids is how Star Wars was introduced to aliens far far away.

[@cheeseninja1115]

no wonder they are called the "froot loops" everyone on the team is named for a cereal lmao

[@TheMyrmo]

This would make a great anime.

[@generalx13]

Not to mention the Lizards are all named for Sith...

[@Tomyironmane]

General Mills? Captain Crunch? Went a bit further than just that fire team, but I am tempted to steal a joke from Howard Tayler and call them the Cereal Peacemakers.

[@TheMyrmo]

@@Tomyironmane Anyone who knows Howard Tayler should be good around here.

[@tristangarcia632]

heheheh the Troop loops

[@TheBFWolf]

I really don't know how you can read that with a straight voice ... without a laughing voice because the story is on the Monty Python level of nuts

[@EvilPaladin11]

I want to give you a like, but you're sitting at 34 likes and I don't want to be the one to mess that up

[@Kualinar]

Practice. A lot of practice. And, repetition. No way that was recorded in one go.

[@BTLLRD]

Revan, Sidious… lol Cereal Names… lol

[@ballisticm0use72]

Who would win Sith vs cereal

[@justsomejerseydevilwithint4606]

@@ballisticm0use72 Kellogg would buy them out. Sith would die to greed.

[@justsomejerseydevilwithint4606]

@@ballisticm0use72 Either that or the sith would pull a corporate takeover.

[@alwelle3902]

I am guessing Kellog is about to learn why "keelhauling" was a terrible punishment.

[@yomogami4561]

"master luke..." snerk loved the story and narration

[@dantreadwell7421]

Man, Corp. you NEVER want to ask one of your privates a question you don't want to know the answer to.

[@rolandosada8077]

Never ask dumb questions. Tho what one of those is ,in all conditions is the real question to answer. 😂

[@matthewklestinski7030]

I wish we'd continued the story just another minute or so, where the entire Alien ship complement surrendered rather than be Force-crushed against bulkheads. At least, that's what I'd foresee happening, given what they'd been watching from inside.

[@seanmunger2740]

Pretty sure they were all forced out of a hull breach like smelly toothpaste... force squeeze?

[@douglascunningham6319]

You know that video would have to be included in any after action report on both sides.

[@TransbianOwl]

Gotta love the smily face.. all he needed was to add: "You are being boarded, have a nice day" to it and it'd be perfect.

[@GeorgeOrwell-yz6zx]

That would indeed be perfect

[@merlinathrawes746]

I could have been worse. Somehow I managed to hear: We are the Borg, resistance is futile!

[@elfeater1760]

That was a funny use of icons to get a story out of. Thank you Agro for a wonderful reading. Thank you Lostfol for the story. For the Algorithm11!

[@calvingreene90]

Specialist Kellogg and General Mills. Really? 😃😃

[@wholeeyschmoley580]

JAJAJAJA!!! OMFGAWD 😜

[@whathanul5798]

Also Captain Crunch, Fruit Loops and some Care Bear jokes.

[@MervDeGriff]

OMG... That was hillarious! I loved it. Well written and well read comedy. :)

[@kirkjones9639]

FYI there are three fireteams to a squad, three squads to a platoon and three platoons to a company. A typical company being around 110 Marines, including officers and medics. Comes to around 96 combat personnel. The Army uses a different system but they have soldiers, and the Marines don't. There is one officer for each ten enlisted men in the Army, while the Marines have one for each twenty five Marines but 80% of Marine officers are pilots, so the ratio of officers to Marines is much lower, in practice. Which is why Army officers are responsible for strategy and tactics, while Marine officers are responsible for strategy, their Marines are responsible for tactics. The Marines also being a death cult, you can understand the need for their very strict discipline. The reality is much more complicated of course but that is the bare bones of it. By the way Semper Fidalis does not mean the Marines are faithful, to the US, they are faithful to something else entirely.

[@____________838]

Marines don’t have Specialists, right?

[@kirkjones9639]

@@____________838 Not in the same manner as the Army and Navy does. For instance the 03 group of MOS in the Marines, indicates an infantry specialty of some kind. An 0331 would be a Machine Gunner, or 0321-0326 would be Recon of some sort. My own MOS 0326 is a Recon Marine with jump and dive certifications. The Army does their specialist training, in a manner that I've never fully understood. An Army Ranger for instance, would be a Marine that has completed SOI, as the requirements appear to be about the same. The Ranger though would go through several schools and tests and once passed, would recieve his Ranger badge and be sent to one of the Ranger regiments. The Marine would just be a Marine and go to whatever specialty school to do whatever, after passing SOI.

[@____________838]

@@kirkjones9639 Ah, since you’ve got some(hah!) idea of what you’re talking about from the Devil Dog side, I’ll fix any of the inadequacies. In the Army, Specialist is actually a rank, E-4, which it shares with Corporal. Corporal is effectively a junior Enlisted soldier, with some command ability, generally reserved for Combat Arms. Specialist, however is just the highest lower enlisted a soldier can be. Ranger School is actually a leadership school, which focuses intensely on the idea of “light infantry”, especially given the Rangers’ pedigree going back to the Revolutionary War and before. Awesome talking to A Recon Marine. Be careful out there, keep your hatchet sharp and your powder dry. And don’t drink OJ before a dive.

[@kirkjones9639]

@@____________838 As long as there are Crayons, all will be well. Be safe out there.

[@krel7160]

@@____________838 Man, you reminded me of a mistranslation from a TV show where they called the "Colonel" a corporal, and the running gag became that somehow the entire chain of command must have been suddenly MIA or KIA, and that it was all down to this one poor sod to lead the entire rest of the army of privates as the last corporal, and by extension, highest ranking "officer" in existence. Of course in the canon of the show it was supposed to be colonel, but it's rather amusing to think of it that way because of the mistranslation.

[@CT-1035]

Great time to start a multi hour Star Wars binge

[@Kualinar]

Thank you, Argo, for one of the funniest and silliest story ever.

[@Shouziroku]

Froot Loop? More like Cereal Jedis.

[@GenStallion]

That was funny. The general should have known better, never ever give Murphy an opening.

[@jeanannd]

Captain Crunch - LOL, the Fruit Loops, General Mills, Corporal Post - let's all have cereal for breakfast.

[@oakenshadow6763]

I was laughing at what I thought were your send effects. Than I laughed even more at the fact it was in character. >XD 10:40

[@AliceUnbound]

"Documentary" he said, as in REAL FOOTAGE!!! HAHAHAHAHA I hope we see this squad again.

[@malcolmanderson6735]

Best. HFY. Story. EVER.

[@jaca688]

This story made my day ! I could picture the captain face perfectly

[@douglascunningham6319]

3 times. Over a few months I've listened to this one.

[@RadarLeon]

this would be a hilarious joke in the army just to have a higher up general put these people together

[@ArchonSG1]

This. This is hilariously funny and pretty much accurate on how servicemen act on the field. Good save by the diplomatic team though, "You see, the force is all around us...." 🤣

[@WeatherStone]

Human: what is this? Xeno: a plasma blade, why? Human: nothing(in his mind: *star wars intro music start playing*)

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@loganshaw4527]

The aliens just gave "wings to a tiger" giving working light sabers to humans.

[@jackcampbell3133]

This needs a sequel...

[@Brendan1259]

Yeah I would love to see the after action report and the debriefing.

[@merlinathrawes746]

I'd love to know the reactions of the aliens after watching the movies. And can you imagine the propaganda the video of the Fruit Loops in action would make?

[@charltonsticher3461]

Oh God, this story was just one giant meme! 🤣🤣🤣

[@Grypht-vn2mz]

Gotta be one of my favorites so far.

[@arakheno4051]

Fruit loops will be renamed ... Elite Jedi Squad .. men who close with enemy SHIPS and cut them apart in person vs ship combat .. what honor, what glory :)

[@AgroSquerril]

:)

[@demonwalker01]

This damn story is making me hungry AF

[@SergeyWaytov]

Absolutely hilarious!) As huge Star Wars fan I 11/10 Appreciate!

[@thedevilsworkshop7720]

When Kellogg said I am darth Vader you bitches and I am your father I spat a mouthful of bacon and eggs all over the floor , my dog was happy at least . 😂

[@Hellsong89]

Should have cut into command bridge roof, drop down and go with the "Hello there!"

[@merlinathrawes746]

And the human ambassador invites the alien ambassadors to watch Star Wars with him.

[@hollyferay8131]

Oh my lord this is hilarious on so many levels.

[@kurtismiller9544]

Got to love all the cereals! .....Use the Force Luke!

[@Jakes3130]

The story sounds like a really cool expansion of some of the things we used to say in the army. Mine was," I'm going to PCS( permanent change of station) to the 1st of the Front Yard Army; Fort Livingroom; Firebase Bedroom; doing patrols to the kitchen and taking orders from Captain Crunch!

[@erushi5503]

Damn it, i cant stop laughing and imagining Kellog doing form iii Soresu ahahahaa

[@angrydragonslayer]

Darth jar jar :)

[@monty9456]

3:50 had me ROLLIN! 🤣🤣🤣

[@noppornwongrassamee8941]

Only five space suits on a WARSHIP that should expect to take battle damage and thus possibly experience depressurization in random sections? And that's BEFORE taking the crazy human marines into account. That's some level of arrogance on the same level as the designers of the Titanic who didn't put in enough lifeboats for everyone.

[@ihtfp01]

It's all fun and games until your plasma blade punctures a high pressure gas storage, or vents the primary heat exchanger, or ruptures the containment on the power core... then it's hilarious!

[@Caldoric]

Yeah. Comedy = tragedy + time, after all.

[@James-bw4np]

Hah! They are enjoying their work way to much and the prank is great with that one!

[@Neonblade69]

Every cereal comes with a toy inside 😂

[@aj_the_infamous1013]

Best line in the story (heavy mechanical breathing) "i am darth Vader you b!tches and I am your father!"

[@AgroSquerril]

:)

[@derekstein6193]

Brilliant. At first having the humans named after cereal brands/companies was pretty funny, but it only got better. I wonder if the name of a dry, boring communications officer was Kashi? Edit: And Captain Crunch! I was hoping for it, and I wasn't disappointed.

[@AgroSquerril]

:)

[@dairoleon2682]

Can't wait for the space care bears to learn about the Ewoks.

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@ProfessorRaiParadox]

Glory and cringe have never gone SO well hand in hand

[@chaplaingilgamesh2964]

Humanity having to make the Jedi a real thing because of one squad of nerdy marines is pretty comical.

[@kennethhummel4409]

Crunch a tize me captain!! I need more crunch berries!!!

[@reggiehigh22]

...so let me get this right. You get to share culture and/or our scifi (nerd) fantasy with them. sounds like a good day to me

[@AgroSquerril]

sounds like everyday to me :)

[@soffren]

Kellogg is a fucking hero

[@sevyrsgaming1202]

This was great, loved it.

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you enjoyed

[@BioEvil]

This will be hilarious. If this ever happens in the future I wish I will be around to hear lol

[@KwaterbugBUTCHER]

For the Algorithm ,For the Author(s), For the Disembodied voice! For the Squirrel 🐿

[@CS-rs5gv]

I'm at a Mexican restaurant right now laughing out loud listening to this

[@RealArcalian]

Greetings Mentlegent! For the Rhythm that is Algo oh God the name in jokes in this! clearly you had fun with the sound effects

[@AgroSquerril]

something a little different

[@sherylcascadden4988]

A comment to appease the algorithm and help the channel.

[@Sharkakaka]

Oh the jedi... xenos are gonna piss themselves

[@GnarledStaff]

This was brilliant!

[@josephhyland8904]

Absolutely loved this one!! Hilarious!

[@markotisovic8233]

For the Bard For the Squerril and for the allmighty Algorithm. How in (insert chosen deity here) name can you read this without bursting out loughing amazes me.

[@AgroSquerril]

editing :)

[@brianlips8346]

Thanks for the story 😊

[@erictoncray966]

All the cereal names made me hungry.

[@goingfubar7182]

Just a little moral boost in a bad situation can change the outcome of the battle oohraaa 👍🇺🇸🇺🇸🗽🇺🇸🇺🇸👍

[@DEMONOFLOVEANDDEATH]

Bless the Squerril Bless the Author

[@WiredTurkey316]

Love me some cultural reference's

[@henrypaleveda7760]

For the Sqerril, The algorithm, all the cereal, *Blood* for the blood god *Skulls* for the skull throne, *Milk* for the khorn flakes!

[@AgroSquerril]

For the algorithm

[@allenmorgan1007]

For the Algorithm, for the Author(s), For the Disembodied Voice!

[@AgroSquerril]

For the algorithm

[@kcain64]

Kellogg? Post? General Mills? Trix? Graham? Toucan? Fruit loops? Captain Crunch? Sorry I can't stick around to hear the rest of the story. But I am hungry. I think I will go in the kitchen and make myself a bowl of cereal.

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@klappstock943]

For the Algorithm the voice and the story

[@christophercarter2228]

Well I wasn't hungry before but now I am lol

[@ladymecha8718]

Yeah! Darth Jar Jar, is canon somewhere!

[@MH-jt3lx]

This is one if not the funniest story yet..

[@AgroSquerril]

:)

[@efuller6770]

This needs a series lmfao. Great story

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you enjoyed

[@ArmorAir]

Winning is easy when you have your “LUCKY CHARMS “.....!

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@noahkleugh9323]

Such a great cereal!

[@TAnkersly19937]

If I ever win the lottery, I'll be making 10 more patreon accounts to take advantage of the T5, and I'll use my primary account (The Thing Nobody Wants) to take possession of that T6 level. This is only if I win the lottery, though for now I am a Ladderrer

[@Monster_Ink]

I'm wheezing 🤣🤣🤣 For the algorithm!

[@AgroSquerril]

For the algorithm

[@Heidao623]

When in doubt, roll with the lie

[@Gilhelmi]

Psychological warfare at it's finest.

[@ramadaxl]

'Have you ever heard of the Jedi'? HAHAHAHAHAH !

[@waynecampeau4566]

Is this a new war cereal? 😜

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@Darkhorse393]

The cereal company military

[@reighniz4488]

I could not stop laughing at this silly story.

[@AgroSquerril]

:)

[@milohobo9186]

Hmm, I'm hungry now

[@nos2342]

To please the algorithm is all

[@AgroSquerril]

For the algorithm

[@Strutinan]

Must...have...SEQUEL! Roflmao 🤣

[@donovanklier5885]

I can't take this seriously with all the Star Wars names

[@dragonriderabens9761]

I’m hoping calling Star Wars a documentary is a mistranslation

[@ragnorockcookie2868]

I love all about this I love this story

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you liked

[@ragnorockcookie2868]

@@AgroSquerril ty so much for the stories I love your voice and the way you give life to them I wish you the best

[@AgroSquerril]

@@ragnorockcookie2868 thank you

[@bittersine2356]

😂😂😂 I'm dying here oh my God I'm dead now ☠️

[@AgroSquerril]

:)

[@bittersine2356]

@@AgroSquerril (:

[@FirebaII0]

Great vid

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you enjoyed

[@orlandobritt1460]

Lets be real if we could we all would

[@sireci3142]

Is this part of a series I swear iv heard these people before

[@AgroSquerril]

not sure , I don't think so