HFY Sci-Fi Short Stories - Humans are Space Dwarfs & Well that was dumb (r/HFY TFOS# 806)

[@thestabbybrit4798]

I had a feeling this one would be dug up.

[@AgroSquerril]

bad pun....hmmm i like it!

[@matejlieskovsky9625]

Kudos to you, wordsmith!

[@mstrfool]

Oh good lord.. I can really see that 2nd one happening. BTW, love your voice for narrating.

[@AgroSquerril]

@@mstrfool Thank you , glad you enjoyed

[@SiegeTF]

Our homeworld is called Earth! Also known as Terra! Short for terra-firma! *The ground!*

[@Warrior-Of-Virtue]

"The Human race still hasn't forgiven Kathleen Kennedy for ruining Star Wars and the cow's been dead for six hundred years!" I almost fell out of my chair. I can't believe someone on Reddit of all places got away with this.

[@zacharyhawley1693]

It also helps that she's on the way out.

[@neosildrake]

@@zacharyhawley1693 I won't count my chickens before they hatch, but here's one for hope and that she takes her BS and her whole sjw intersectionalist virtue signaling staff with her.

[@26th_Primarch]

@@neosildrake rumor has it that's what she's going to do to start up her company.

[@storkyfallout6516]

@@26th_Primarch here's to hoping it's core focus isn't adaptation and advisement

[@igkslife]

Well... I mean.... She did ruin it.

[@darokdeed]

Friendship Ended With "Humans are Space Orks" Now "Humans are Space Dwarfs" is my best friend.

[@AgroSquerril]

YARG , dem mountains be mighty lonely

[@Katzztar]

We need more "Humans are Space Dwarfs" - I HAVE to support this being the height of a Tolkien Dwarf (seriously I'm around 4 ft 7in)

[@cliffhanger4945]

aliens: we will forever remember this! humans: Fine! That's goin' in the book!

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@hogfry]

And the Rohlids spent three centuries rocking back and forth muttering: "combat boots don't go there... Combat boots don't go there... Combat boots dont..."

[@suetekh1201]

I'm a veteran and I love the fact that you are saying this. When I heard the Rohlids say "What the fuck are you going to do about it?" I saw vividly in my mind marines and soldiers just saying "Challenge accepted." Also this could be filed under 'Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.'

[@conduit64]

Nah, I'm pretty sure none of them lived long enough to regret getting the answer.

[@KertaDrake]

Meanwhile every other species around is staring in wide-eyed horror after discovering humanity both spontaneously invented antimatter combat boots just for that specific use and the people who used them are somehow still alive.

[@calvingreene90]

@@KertaDrake That made me laugh almost as hard as the story.

[@lupenngrimpaw936]

@@KertaDrake oh God yes that is amazing.

[@steveradroach9101]

Ok,the Dwarf story was fucking perfect, I could totally picture the story in my head.

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you liked

[@bubbyscott7064]

Loved it 😂🤣

[@samuelevans738]

Forget space-orcs, we're ******* space BROWNIES! (The fairy kind, not the desert kind)

[@craftysmithkeith3653]

@@samuelevans738 humans are space delicacies when?

[@igkslife]

"No, tentacles. Don't go there!" Best line I've ever heard.

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@westcoaststacker569]

Agreed

[@spheriaareials6200]

"Tentacles don't go there" oh god, those poor things

[@AgroSquerril]

shrieks of horror ensue

[@d4h836]

@@AgroSquerril id assumes so

[@MiningwithPudding]

But imagine the hugs they could give! What happened before said hugs doesn't matter...

[@adammcfall5133]

I'm surprised it was just tenacles... I mean, we have so much worse.

[@objectiveice573]

@@adammcfall5133 cacti?

[@KingMarkus222]

A jab at the Star Wars sequels. Oh yea that is definitely a blood feud that we just aren’t gonna let go of.

[@Gordon519]

its been written into the book of grudges in blood

[@ZAVB3R3R]

@@Gordon519 as it should be

[@Gordon519]

@@ZAVB3R3R agreed

[@fist-of-doom487]

@@Gordon519 I think I should actually write a Book of Grudges, complete with the run down on why they exist at all. I could make volumes on it because Humanity doesn’t let these things go so easily. It’d be a comprehensive history book on how hard humanity hates everything including themselves.

[@krel7160]

@@fist-of-doom487 From the smallest, most trivial tales of office-place politics, to the reason that the Greeks and Armenians are not fond of Turkey.

[@Lequack726]

"Go did a hole!" "We did, we put a colony in it"

[@RevokFarthis]

Reading through all the comments, this is the one that broke me. Well done.

[@mikehenthorn1778]

Diggy diggy hole!

[@zyanidwarfare5634]

“Why can’t I take the alien doggy home” that bit had me laughing so hard I could just imagine a human finding a dinosaur that’s like the apex predator of some alien world and they just go “oh I want one!” And proceed to tame and ride it to the horror of the xenos

[@jeremybumgarner1908]

If we can't tame it... nevermind we can tame almost anything. Fur and fangs don't matter when its laying at your side with its tail wagging playfully.

[@rosebloodwater13]

Don't care if it's supposed to be a terrifying apex predator if I can pet it, it's my cute hellhound now. 😊

[@quinnhasse9170]

@@rosebloodwater13honey badgers

[@ivorjawa]

@@quinnhasse9170look up Stoffel

[@henrypaleveda7760]

asking humans "what are you going to do about it" when we are documented to make suns go supernova - I shudder to imagine what we would do about it.

[@AgroSquerril]

them that be fighting words

[@36jbf-as031lb]

We'd make Warhammer 40k look like peaceful child play

[@cgi2002]

200kg alien doggo murder machines, sound like fun. We can ride them I to battle.

[@lupenngrimpaw936]

And just to make mining easier no less!

[@gmailquinn]

my guess: wraith of god, or planet busting rock :).

[@isaackinsley1662]

I now have the song "Diggy diggy hole" stuck in my head. I need to go to sleep

[@timothyswanson8773]

BROTHERS OF THE MINE REJOICE!

[@steveradroach9101]

WE DO NOT FEAR WHAT LIE BENEATH!

[@thomaskelleyjr.1671]

@@timothyswanson8773 Swing, swing, swing with me

[@spartanpawn007]

@@thomaskelleyjr.1671 *RAISE YOUR PICK AND RAISE YOUR VOICE!*

[@comradedima9791]

@@spartanpawn007 sing sing sing with me

[@bassyxgrelle8659]

Zombie apocalypse sections should be involved in all treaties

[@hoenndpn9200]

“They’re a damn sight higher than the odds of you winning this argument” Sounds like a Nat 20 in burn if I ever did see one

[@rayzorwood905]

Oh dear me, I enjoyed that first one so much I had to throw that the way of a friend who might appreciate a good story about legalese and human's finding a loophole. Now, onto the second story ;)

[@rayzorwood905]

That second one was also a banger, so god I had to listen to it twice and reply to my own comment so the Algorithm might notice me, kek.

[@AgroSquerril]

For the algorithm my good man , for the algorithm

[@calvingreene90]

It's even better.

[@Inufan2005]

I can honestly see both of these stories happening. First one: There's a reason our legal documentation is so long, inane, and says completely odd things. Second one: Really, REALLY bad question to ever as a Human. Also, 200Kg Alien Doggy? Sounds perfect!

[@westcoaststacker569]

RED? we can name it Clifford!

[@jakeand9020]

A 200kg murder machine from a deathworld. We have those, they're called lions and tigers and bears... honestly sounds like alien doggy would fit right in.

[@carlfromtheoc1788]

Humans are not dwarves (well maybe some of the Swiss), but worse, that galactic counsel encountered the second most feared form of a bureaucrat - a lawyer. Second only to the dreaded tax auditor.

[@Dungeon_Cupcakes]

I loved the first story! I can totally see humanity do that! The second on had me dying of laughter!

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you enjoyed

[@juletid99]

Alien: *Breathes* Human: *"THAT'S IT. YER IN THE BOOK NOW"*

[@KingMarkus222]

Humanity looks up at the stars and smiled saying, “ you have no idea what perversion truly is, let us show you, BRING OUT THE GOATS!!!” The universe: 😳🤯🤢🤮😵👽😖🤨😉

[@alexs5814]

Fernando, is that you?

[@WiredTurkey316]

I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole Diggy Diggy Hole dig dig a hole

[@AgroSquerril]

ohHhHh Misty Mountains oHAhahahhoohhaha

[@rinayasi]

Holy shit that humans are space drawfs was so good im jumping ship from orks to drawfs

[@AgroSquerril]

lol , glad you enjoyed

[@nullpoint3346]

I'm waiting to see the whole thing filled out. Humans as every Tolkien popularized fantasy race, then the expansion to every d&d race.

[@DragonJohn]

"Sooo, you only have one small access shaft? Do you have the equipment down there to dig up though twenty miles of planetary crust when we drop a low yield conventional weapon down that shaft?" There's malicious compliance, then there's painting yourself in a corner.

[@Enderborn272]

I think "Forced removal" implies you didn't exterminate the colony. But valid point. One fucking bomb and that whole colony turns into a self sealing tomb

[@ksiaa814]

"The human race hasn't forgiven Kathleen Kennedy for Star Wars the cow has been dead for six hundred years" oh by the omnissiah I lost my shit.

[@Lukos0036]

Tentacles apparently do go there. If you're Japanese. And on Earth. And dealing with some inexplicably weird porn laws that failed to specify what could or couldn't be considered genitalia. And the grobi wonders where the duck blind colony idea came from.

[@westcoaststacker569]

So it started as a loophole? Sweet.

[@dantreadwell7421]

There is a reason laws are not written in a clear way for the layman. SNOTLING?! ROFLAMO!!!

[@MymMars]

I feel like the answer that should have been the humans answered to the aliens question was "so you've decided to find out"

[@lotllady]

List of humanity's ancestral enemies in the Book of Grudges: Skaven, Greenskins, Elves, Grobi, and Kathleen Kennedy.

[@AgroSquerril]

lol

[@Werrf1]

And slavers. Slavers will be bombarded with fully operational Kathleen Kennedy clones.

[@chillmal6271]

@@Werrf1 slavers are gonna be bombarded so hard the government ignoring them disappears too

[@calvingreene90]

@@Werrf1 I think that constitutes a war crime that even Adolf would avoid.

[@calvingreene90]

You forgot Grays.

[@Zakvadr1995]

Love when Warhammer in any shape is mentioned! And bringing in Star Wars was a brilliant point!

[@asurasyn]

"Gibbering, psychotic ape" was beautiful!

[@EternitynChaos]

Good to see humanity knows what's what and has it's priorities in order, we will never forget what that cow did to Star Wars, nore forgive

[@dairoleon2682]

"What the fuck are you gonna do about it?" Oh... *oh you fucked up.*

[@HubiKoshi]

"What the fuck are you going to do about it?" *loads Bolter with malicious intent*

[@mikkelnpetersen]

"Why can't I take an alien doggy home with me?" "Because it's a 200kg murder machine from a deathworld" "THAT'S WHY I WANT TO ADOPT IT, that's what makes it so cute" *50 years later and a couple of crossbreeding with terran dogs* "Why can't I take an alien doggy home with me?" "Because last time a human did just that you bred it into an even MORE effective murder machine that the rest of the galaxy have nightmares about and still called it a 'good boy'" *Pouty face and puppy eyes*

[@merrick1588]

"I am a Dwarf and I'm digging a hole..."

[@GabrielHellborne]

What are WE gonna do about it? Hold my space-beer.

[@Destroyer_V0]

The one question to never ask a human, or any iteration of this question. You and what army, How exactly do you intend to do that, And the slaver's choice here. Biiiiig mistake.

[@HRVipertm]

The sad fact that slavery is still a thing on earth and that in some places you can buy a human for around $15 disgusts me

[@ap_trial666]

@@HRVipertm Not exactly buy, but you can rent one for $10 a night here in my country.

[@36jbf-as031lb]

@@ap_trial666 ʸᵒᵘ ʷʰᵃᵗ ⁱⁿ...ʷʰᵃᵗ o.o your country?

[@Deadxman616]

Human: The us army: Alien: ohhhhh that a good army

[@louwes44]

Aaah when malicious compliance meets HASD beautifull...

[@juliantuwim3552]

Humans always were space dwarfs

[@AgroSquerril]

aye

[@Kolroling]

And orcs, Don't forget about the space orcs!

[@samuelevans738]

@@Kolroling both?

[@theenderdestruction2362]

We are space cryptic

[@lupenngrimpaw936]

@@samuelevans738 Both. Both is good.

[@lupenngrimpaw936]

Ah, classic. Asking a human what the fuck are you gonna do about it? Biggest possible mistake an alien can make.

[@ObservingLibertarian]

Both of those stories were utterly delightful.

[@Lord_Lasagña]

For ORIGIN and The algorithm. I've returned and I hunger.

[@AgroSquerril]

Hey Ronie , for the algorithm

[@Lord_Lasagña]

@@AgroSquerril greetings... For The Algorithm and ORIGIN!

[@reasonablehiccups4792]

For the algorithm

[@mathildaandersson1341]

It becomes more fun if u imagine the “narcotic herbs” to be weed.

[@michaelyoung7261]

“Humans still haven’t forgiven Kathleen Kennedy for ruining Star Wars, and the girl’s been dead for 600 years!!” 🤣 this is my kind of human future. Maybe I’ll fight for it.

[@chadman3881]

Epic as always. great job.

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you liked and thank you

[@kerwinbrown4180]

Common law systems take in account the spirit of the law. Civil law systems is as written. Doesn't care as power rules.

[@derpionderpson1424]

Ok, let’s *assume* the Roulids never heard about human history or had any idea of human capabilities… When a species demands you stop what is by galactic standards illegal anyway, it’s probably not a good idea to provoke them… at best you’ve just caused a species to be actively trying to harm your diplomatic relations to everyone else with how rude you were and at worst… well I imagine the remaining Roulids can tell you what the worst case is…

[@calvingreene90]

You actually think there are remaining Roulids? Strange.

[@signedbookcollector3408]

Human: There is some mad scientist working on some death ray, portal to who knows where, or committing some crime against science nature and all that is decent

[@Salt_discriminater]

Both storys are accurate

[@crtntiddles5178]

I'm convinced there in the same universe

[@JeRefuseDeBienPrononcerBaleine]

They're called squats. There is no need to make up silly name for them. (kuddos if you get the reference)

[@insanity9329]

If you ask me, they didn't go to the GYM enough. AYEEEEE!

[@JeRefuseDeBienPrononcerBaleine]

@@insanity9329 AYEEEEEEE!

[@matejlieskovsky9625]

Second story starts at 8:45, not 8:00

[@AgroSquerril]

Corrected , thank you for pointing it out

[@matejlieskovsky9625]

@@AgroSquerril You're welcome! Should also help with the algorithm. ;-)

[@juliusmoe-nstar8942]

I laughed hard at the Radioactive shit sucking through a straw and i am sick so you know it hurt. But i kept laughing because that's some funny shit right there

[@AgroSquerril]

:)

[@MarijnvdSterre]

These two are some of the best, love them both! :D

[@tonyoliver4920]

StabbyBrit and the word wasuvk... I think he’s Scottish,

[@AgroSquerril]

possibly

[@peekakuchu6878]

U grew by fiddy percent!! Grats!

[@AgroSquerril]

Thank you

[@calvingreene90]

Emotionally I tend to side with Gal'vassn but intellectually I see the potential abuses of having the spirit of the law cover what the letter of the law doesn't state and decide with the letter of the law. Besides would it have been so hard to state no outsider colonies in the star system.

[@albusvoltavern4500]

Can’t wait for humans are space teiflings next!

[@InternetGravedigger]

Story 1) **cue music** I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole... diggy diggy hole...digging a hole! Story 2) Humanity breaks the galaxy.

[@johncochran8497]

Never ever annoy an attack librarian (aka Lawyer).

[@joseas1518]

#2. And the laugh heard from the humans went all the way to the next galaxy over.

[@joshuaridgway3230]

Everyone complains about lawyers until you need a way to legally out the screws to someone. When I want to actually be fair, I write a simple contract in plain English for all to understand. When I’m annoyed and want an escape clause, I have fun with language and interpretation questions we can either spend years arguing about in court or just go along with what I say it means. Not my favorite tactic, and never on a less sophisticated party than myself. But useful

[@IRMentat]

600 years . .. .. well, it's a start. Bought and paid for a licence to print money and the first thing they do is hand the printing diagram to someone prone to hatchet-job patchwork quilts and randomly finger-painting over virtually priceless works that stood strong for 50 years. It's like paying for a high-quality and rare breeding-bull and simply throwing it's torn apart remains at a window in front of the people who couldn't get their own. Sure it draws some initial noise from the arsonist-minded but shortly after that you only have an acrid odour and a writhing pass of maggots and flies looking for the next meal.

[@lightneko]

The Nanites will never get my socks

[@rosebloodwater13]

If it's vaguely dog like, I guarentee we will try to pet it and take it home with us.

[@DonPatrono]

if not friend, then why friend shaped?

[@DEMONOFLOVEANDDEATH]

For the Squerril

[@AgroSquerril]

for the algorithm

[@reasonablehiccups4792]

For the algorithm

[@reasonablehiccups4792]

For Argo

[@crusader-yv9zr]

Muh book uh grudges.

[@dianalindeman1644]

Oh, those meddling humans! There goes the neighborhood! So experienced about HOAS that they can get around anything! 😊😅😂😂😂😂😂

[@MyrdinAnnoth]

Second story: "F*ck around and find out"

[@texasforever7887]

A 200 kilogram, whatever that size is, murder machine will be my best friend

[@Crowbars357]

Kathleen Kennedy is also in the Dwarven Book of Grudges

[@lazypizzaship8911]

This is clearly a heavy rp Stellaris game and someone is a lawyer

[@KertaDrake]

Now that's definitely Tabletop Rules Lawyer tier rulesfuckery.

[@firedirewolf]

the fact that the first story would essentially be one of the biggest dick moves one could pull and knowingly get away with it, is very human lol second story, we ask theoretical questions, hypothetical questions, and questions because we are pretty freaking stupid... you ask a human a rhetorical question and you are GOING to regret it even if you are making a joke and know the human... i don't know a human who will let you live down a rhetorical question, best friend or not @n@

[@JULEMANDEN99]

i am a dwarf and im digging a hole diggy diggy hole

[@AgroSquerril]

for the miiiiiiiiiiiiiisty mountains hooooooooooome

[@komradedoggo]

*as we build a new colony in the system in question* I am a dwarf and im digging a hole grobi grobi hole grobi grobi hole

[@calvingreene90]

Perhaps a little star mining project.

[@schmoozemoose26]

Not space dwarves, space corporate-lawyers.

[@DamonChrono]

I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole!

[@jackmurphy6870]

Hay agro squerril I was wondering if I could get your copy of the audiobook mother of learning because I was looking elsewhere for it and I was unable to find any full-length copy of the book I only found it up toward chapter 4 if not that's okay too

[@jackmurphy6870]

For the algorithm

[@AgroSquerril]

The author has signed an audiobook deal for Mother of learning. Which comes with an exclusivity clause , just like Santa and er Highlinders i suppose , there can be only one (their version). I think everyone who had a version up and was contactable was asked to remove the content from the internet. Bad new - amateur ones are its gone , good news there will be a studio made one coming out at some point

[@jackmurphy6870]

@@AgroSquerril thank you for your reply I knew it had to be something like that but I still figured I'd ask anyway just in case and as always thank you for your contribution to the internet

[@lightspam5897]

9:43 Humans are space dolphins

[@AgroSquerril]

eeeeeeEEEEEEeeeEEEEEEEEEEE click click click click EEEEEEEEEEEEE

[@26th_Primarch]

So long and thanks for all the fish

[@allenmorgan1007]

For the Algorithm, For the Author(s), For the Disembodied Voice!

[@draconusspiritus1037]

Around Humanity, telepaths soon lean to keep their peeping little thoughts to themselves.

[@theskeletoninthebasement9688]

Ah yes, *loopholes*

[@sbritton1313]

These were the best ones...

[@Monster_Ink]

Diggi diggi hole~

[@richardjackson7875]

This one was really good 😊

[@AgroSquerril]

glad you liked

[@undrachvrsage]

FTA also: Lulz @ "grubby"

[@randomghost5374]

9:32 oh oh no

[@robertstoneking7916]

Did Gal'vassn think "go dig a hole" was an insult? There's going to be a lot of loopholes exploited before they understand humans.

[@Jeff55369]

diggy diggy dig

[@eointolster]

kathleen kennedy grudge thing lol

[@nabbitgohome9672]

I’m confused here. (The human are space dwarfs story I’m found used also on the next story) (mostly the last part)

[@SirAlex0014]

You know I stand on the aliens side, in the 1st story.

[@matthiuskoenig3378]

RULES AS WRITTEN, xenophile

[@26th_Primarch]

@@matthiuskoenig3378 AND that's going to be in the Book of Grudges too!

[@calvingreene90]

No, it is too open to abuses.

[@26th_Primarch]

@@calvingreene90 That's going in the Book too!

[@therealdamancy]

All hail the AGRorithm

[@AgroSquerril]

For the algorithm

[@glennedwards1449]

Liked the KK dig no doubt it will become true as well. A little known fact about KK she was basically a coffee girl for SS then suddenly is a big boss in Hollywierd. Sounds crazy right? Could never be another story like that right? especially not in Hollywood right? If you think that you would be wrong look up the hairdresser who became a hollywood producer net worth now $300 million

[@charlieclark9552]

Thats a new one, now you have to do one about humans are space warlocks, there is probably not a story about that

[@reasonablehiccups4792]

First for the algorithm

[@AgroSquerril]

First for the algorithm

[@lukkaredwolf3534]

Honest question, do original comments or replies to comments sate the algorithm more?

[@adamglover6948]

For the algorithm!

[@AgroSquerril]

@@lukkaredwolf3534 As far as i know , its more the interaction on the comment than what the comment says , do things like replied ups and downs. Then again its youtube and the algorithm so i dont think anyone really knows

[@jimmycoyote74]

For the algorithm

[@AgroSquerril]

For the algorithm

[@AshyRose1]

Nice

[@AgroSquerril]

:)