Alexithymia & Autism

[@thecraftycrayfish7539]

I just wanted to add that I think the empathy thing stems from a mutual lack of understanding between autistics and neurotypicals. All of the autistic people I've ever met are incredibly compassionate and dare I say selfless people, and the myth that we lack the capacity for empathy really needs to go away.

[@KierannaKathleen]

YES!!!

[@crystalokeefe197]

I can't always describe how I'm and say "I don't know" quite a bit

[@budgetforsuccess835]

I’m constantly in a state of not understanding what’s wrong and definitely can’t explain it. I know when my feelings are not good or good but I can’t describe them or pinpoint what I’m feeling. I’ll start crying and have no idea why.

[@heedmydemands]

I can really relate to this

[@m-pc5334]

There’s this recurring thing in dinners where I see a plate lying on the counter and ask if it’s mine, and dad answers: "no, it’s the neighbour’s." sarcastically. The first time he said that, I genuinely thought it was the neighbour’s. But he says that practically every time so I learned fast.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Wow - this is a mind blowing lecture. I went thru a long history of being SHOCKED by people being bad while presenting a loveliness in person. As a child, I was taught that my good behavior was penultimate. And growing up with strict orthodox parents, we were not encouraged to talk about emotional feelings. As far as the parents were concerned - you were either good, bad, or sick. No wonder I had no idea how to verbalize what I felt about anything throughout the course of my life. I was a good performer 🤸🏻‍♀️ though, I found out what people expected of me & I gave them what they wanted. - As time went by, I grew worse and worse on the inside, and I continued to endure great emotional damage bc not only could I not verbalize what I felt, I could not accept - these bad things were done to me. Somehow - I felt , as long as I deny it exists - it didn’t happen .. Guess what ? It happened & continued to happen... It is absolutely vital for a child to be allowed to have feelings & to be taught how to describe these feelings, & to be encouraged to discuss them ( with safe people ). It is also important to encourage people to have their feelings, bc when a person learns it’s not permitted to have feelings, they will go through life being disconnected from their own body & therefore will not have a working intuition .. translation : they will be at the mercy of the wolves ..

[@ESumner]

It’s funny that I’m autistic and I believe my spouse is the one with this trait! I’m very empathetic!! I feel very deeply and strongly myself and for others suffering. Due to learning over time my accuracy at being able to name how they feel (because I feel it myself as I hear them), has improved very much over time. I honestly feel like everything my husband says is my autism is HIM! And he doesn’t understand that in my world I’m constantly being gaslit and feel controlled to not be my natural self, and just fit his idea of the marriage! 😡😔 Us with autism suffer constant ongoing emotional abuse due due having to work so hard to fit others idea of what’s normal... but no one even acknowledges the struggle or even asks if it’s hard to do, or sad, or even against my own gut feelings!!! They just deny coming my way and tell me I’m wrong and have to just come their way. If I bring up anything I’m ‘constantly complaining’ but I can never explain it properly to anyone!!! I melt down very badly if I’m constantly rejected that way. I melt down a lot, especially lately over this.

[@garyfrancis5015]

How can you tell if a politician is lying? Their lips move.

[@karinstromgren136]

Hi I have a relationship with a man who has asberger. We have been together for 1 1/2 years and it works well. I myself am neurotypical and like to listen to your channel, and also to Paul Micallef. I learn a lot from both of you. We have both had long relationships earlier in our lives (we are 60 years young), but we both feel that we are developing with each other and our relationship is only getting stronger and stronger. Thank you very much for helping me understand when I feel uncertain about what things are due. Sorry if I write a little bad English, but I come from Sweden :) Finally ... we are soulmates despite our differences ❤️

[@flikkeringlightz7472]

As I have understood it, alexithymia is still divided into parts. Like I for example am very bad at identifying and describing my own feelings while my imagination is fine. I can also identify other people's feelings very well so emphaty is working. FYI a mental health professional should ask you "in what way are you alexithymic" or "what alexithymic traits do you have" if you tell them that you have alexithymia. When I first told a professional about it I was a little taken aback by the question. I want others to be prepared and not be baffled like me. It's not nice being baffled.

[@AG-lx6re]

I do well with cognitive empathy. I'm typically able to "understand " that someone is *insert emo*, tho I may not understand and/or "feel" that emo. Affective empathy is taking on the feelings of someone else. If someone is sad, etc I want to help them not feel that way, but I don't feel their sadness, anger, etc. I may THINK it, but, I'm not likely to tear up/bow up based on how they're feeling...I feel like that's beneficial to the other because I'm able to remain neutral about the situation and help versus us both being highly emotional and unable to solve the issue logically/unbiased vs coming at it geared up in whichever emotion they brought to the table...I have learned tho that others aren't always receptive of this lol sometimes people just wanna vent and don't want anyone's input, so, I've learned and work on my first action not being rolling up my sleeves and getting to work unless/until they've asked for that. I'm still not comfortable outright asking: what do you need from me?...so, I've just defaulted to surface level empathizing. Once they ask: what do you think?...then I will proceed...in the past tho... 😑

[@lysagreen2314]

I have never really known how I feel, or how/why other people seem to have feelings or emotions. I always tell people I am “fine” or “ok”. I have to really think about feelings in myself and try to figure out how I feel, based on what’s going on at the minute. Strong exhibits of emotions in others leads me to panic because I don’t really know what to do. This lack of ability to know how I feel has led me to be labeled as non compliant by psychologist and psychiatrists.

[@radioactivegorgon2307]

This video was extremely relatable. I have a lot of issues and do not like imagining that people have bad intentions and even trying will often kick me into an opposite extreme of paranoia.

[@NameNotAChannel]

I definitely have this (and aspergers). It mostly stops me from knowing how I personally feel. The best example of this, is a few years back, I suddenly realized that a few more years back, that I was enraged at something (and was physically shaking in anger), but "felt" fine at the time. Also, I've said numerous times, that I don't think I've ever "felt" love, in my life, even though I know people love me, and I have exhibited the actions of love (putting someone else's needs/feelings above my own, essentially.) I've never shed a tear at a funeral, even for my own dad. However, I can often tell how others are feeling (or I like to think so...)... and as a writer, I can write emotions in my characters, and feel those emotions quite strongly (one recent scene in particular nearly bringing me to tears (eyes watered up, and I got a strange knot behind my heart... don't know how to put words to it...) just formulating the visuals and dialog between 2 characters - while I was at work, and couldn't write any of it down.) (I also have trouble knowing how I physically feel internally as well... like hunger/thirst, tension, needing to use the restroom... etc.)

[@jessely4916]

I'm at a standpoint of logically understanding emotions vs feeling it. I made a breakthrough for feeling anger. But before it was all symptoms of heat stroke lol. Now it's just something I can cut on or off. When it comes to grief and sadness. I have no idea nor see the point. I've only come to understand it as important for my socializing with someone else who is dealing with it and not coming off as cold blooded.

[@13Pishposh]

It's Thursday! Thank you for your videos! I am currently self diagnosed and am hesitant to begin the evaluation process. The more I am learning, the more I see though. I had a major life event happen when I was very young. After that I had emotional support systems in place between the school counselors, after school support, therapy, ect. While I am grateful I had all of that, I am so afraid that I was literally taught how to socialize with others. I spend so much energy reading body language, tones of voice, and just simply reminding myself of the rules. I feel like autism fits but I am so afraid I wont get a diagnosis because I was taught how to mask so well. So many of the things i thought i would grow out of just havent gotten any easier or better. I'm still riding on the other wavelength in the room and cant stop that. This topic is just another one of those things that makes me realize just how much I was taught to see in the world around me.

[@sable4492]

I'm usually ok, depressed or excited😳😖 I can't even explain pain well and i feel imma suffer because i can't explain it

[@amber3574]

You have the best hair! I’m totally jealous lol.

[@katielangsner495]

I recognize my own and others' emotions almost too easily by feel (and can get caught up in my own or others' feelings) but I cannot feel strongly and use words at the same time, and I struggle to understand others' thought processes, priorities, perspectives and intentions.

[@robertjohnburton9775]

We have deep feelings, but we do not connect at the time. It has taken me decades to sort some feelings. Thanks for this video, important stuff - stay safe.

[@newarks_yt]

Great video. I relate to so much. I usually describe my alexithymia as a sort of lockup of emotions in the moment and then a delayed emotional response, I do actually struggle to "feel" some emotions tbh, and it definitely affects how I respond to stressful situations irl and empathy responses etc.

[@drose3900]

I remember learning alexithymia affects your dreams, but I can't remember where. I want to learn it again from you Stephanie, you'll have to research it. I think it's true that it makes your dreams more concrete or realistic because mine are so real and nothing supernatural ever happens, like flying.

[@BGBTech]

I think I have this condition, but as for dreams: I think it varies, where either I am a disembodied figure mostly watching events play out (more like I am watching a TV show); or if I am present, I am usually floating around, able to fly through things, and summon objects into the world (but still not usually aware it is a dream, I just sort of take it for granted that I can float around with "noclip" and summon objects; if I become aware it is a dream, typically everything quickly destabilizes and falls apart, then it seemingly resets to a state where I am no longer aware it was a dream). Actual dream state tends to be mostly high-contrast black and white with limited use of colors, though generally in full 3D (in some sense, tends to kind of look like what one would get if they mashed together Tron and Undertale...). As for any psychological or neurological explanations, I don't know...

[@gonnfishy2987]

Hey! Your dreams sound like my dreams.

[@heedmydemands]

I've been flying a lot in my dreams, in one dream I could really feel it that it was my muscles doing it, , it's all in the shoulder.

[@AndiKnittel]

Interesting topic. Thanks for sharing, Stephanie.

[@gonnfishy2987]

When i feel SICK or giddy, i get the impression deep hectic business is affecting me in ways i can’t talk about

[@julietagimenez8065]

People: how are you? Me: Uh, fine? Brain, actually: I don't know, am I fine? It is some level of happy bUT--it isn't "happiness", and I'm not particularly "joyful", but I am definitely not "sad". I'm just, 'fine"?? I *am* calm, that's for sure. But, seriously, am I "fine"..??????

[@WoohooliganComedy]

Thanks, Stephanie. It's not very common for me, but I've definitely had that experience of having difficulty labeling how I feel about a piece of news, and I use "frustrated" a lot too. lol

[@calzydownunder3497]

I have always pronounced alexithymia wrongly too. I find it impossible to describe my feelings and emotions unless l am very happy which is easy to describe & show. Most of the time l just say l'm very frustrated, probably because I can't find the right word to describe how l am feeling and that makes me more frustrated! Thanks Stephanie for the great description on alexithymia

[@IamHeavenian-CitizenofHeaven]

Hi Stephanie! Can you please do a video on the best way to work through conflict resolution between a NT and HFA? And avoiding burnout and meltdowns in the process. Thanks for communicating so well!!

[@BGBTech]

Yeah, I think I have this issue, or at least something similar... My experience of emotions is at times pretty fragmentary, and my experience of socially oriented thoughts or feelings is pretty hit or miss; with my own experience of the world being mostly in terms of things that are material and fairly concrete. I don't usually understand the feelings of others, but am rather unhappy if others are hurt or upset (particularly if I had caused it). But, at the same time, I don't feel particularly feel obligated to live by peoples' opinions, and generally live in a world where it is almost inevitable that people will either go away or things will end up being hostile (like, don't really like it, but once things start going bad there is no way to fix it). Well, and in recent years, my social interactions have died off to some extent; to some extent, had gotten burnt out with "playing a role", with interactions and peoples' responses mostly being in terms of the roles people expect me to play, regardless of anything I actually did or did not want in a situation; and in some sense, it becomes a conflict in terms of "what do I actually want?" vs "what is it that the culture expects me to want?" (and in some sense, these sorts of cultural expectations, both on the good and bad side, have become kind of a dark shadow; but even if I said my actual thoughts, would anyone believe me, or understand my position?... it leads to a situation where most of the time, interacting with people does not seem worthwhile, and there is nothing really to gain for anyone involved), ...

[@FeliciaShare]

This makes so much sense. My doc sad she believes u have alexithymia. Great video. And yes I find it hard to explain too. 🫂

[@Xankill3r]

I only started thinking about the question of "what am I feeling" once I started keeping a mood diary using an app that allows you to define your own emotional states. Over time I've ended up with a whole set of custom "emotions" - but they're actually more physical stuff. So I have a state called "Restless" and one called "Restless and Tired" (Can't combine states in the app :( ). I started creating more standard emotional states but I've more or less stopped using them for logging. I also find that unless the emotion/feeling is really strong I don't bother with actually analysing my state and go with broad stroke - Good/Bad/Neutral - entries.

[@marknugent9851]

For me empathy difficulties are about problems set switching. Being self aware, the thing I struggle with and that has historically caused me most of my problems, to being aware of someone else's experience takes a transition that in real time, while you try to spin all the plates to appear 'normal' can range from difficult to impossible. If I'm in a heightened state like joy or anger? I get lost in their experience with my own experience as background (bad boundaries) or in my own with them as low level background noise. Is this antisocial? No. It's like the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum. Tantrums and other antisocial acts are intentional, meltdowns and trouble task switching are unintentional. A spectrum of difficulty versus a malicious choice. Not the same at all.

[@JT-xh1ih]

As usual.... Your content is so fricking helpful.

[@gonnfishy2987]

Right on! Just watching video now, but I’m high on the “scale” of alexithymia. I never knew it wasn’t normal until i got schooled that it wasn’t

[@jackiem9423]

Thank you for this video. It’s very helpful

[@garyfrancis5015]

I mention it on another video. This pandemic I really force to cure my Alexithymia. Because I knew I had 3, 4 or 5 emotions at once. I had to identify those emotions other wise I have meltdown. Or I come across as having no emotions during a pandemic. But I Defiently think I was like robot before I started identified my emotions. Defiantly to the view point of other people. Anja Melissa channel first time I heard the term alexithymia.

[@eisdamme]

I have a degree of this (I feel "baseline neutral" over most times. Other than that, I feel fear and dread and sadness and self-loathing, but anything beyond those feelings is ...not very accessible at all) along with a very difficult time experiencing anger and holding it beyond a few seconds. I just ...don't. My anger is primarily "performative" because people tell me I *should* be angry. It's fun when combined with poor interoception. (Is this in my body? Is this a feeling? Wait, is anything in my body?) People also sometimes think I am lying when I "don't know" how I feel because the idea of it is really strange to them.

[@thecraftycrayfish7539]

Not gonna lie, I think this current hair color looks best on you.

[@yume6166]

Okay so ur videos really help me find and understand myself but that also makes me sad at the same time because I know that there are so many situations that I could describe now but can't because they had happened.. For example with ex boyfriends.. Or my parents.. I feel lonely in a kind of way that is just exhausting and frustrating

[@jimjenandi]

I've been conditioned to say "I'm good & You?" But I'm usually thinking "I don't know". I'm also still trying to decide if I really want to go through the 4 hours of testing to try and get a diagnosis. I've done a few online tests and it says I have a high likelihood that I have Asperger's. I asked if they tested for Adult Asperger/Autism & if the testing was geared towards girls or boys and they said they said that its a general testing. I live in a small town in Wisconsin with it being 1.5 hrs to the nearest big city but will getting a diagnosis at age 44 really be worth it. I'm so frustrated right now.

[@StephanieBethany]

It was worth it for me but I'm younger :/ unfortunately you're the only one who can answer that 😕 hoping the best for you 💛

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

I have a better question for you ; are you satisfied with the quality of your life & are you happy in the relationships you have with others ? And finally, how do others feel about you ? Those are the baseline questions in life .. It’s not about getting points on a test - or how far you live from a big city. Being autistic - affects your life - period ! If you don’t know that you don’t have access to all the signals around you - there will be trouble on a daily basis 🌛

[@jimjenandi]

@@BarbaraMerryGeng my closest relationship I have right now is with my Service Dog and I'm happy with that. My Family has never supported me and my health conditions. They are over 1,000 miles away from me and I rarely talk to them anymore and that doesn't make me feel any sort of way which I'm sure that should make me feel sad. I am finding out alot healthwise like I got diagnosed with (EDS) Ehlers Danlos Syndrome & (mcas) Mast Cell Activation Syndrome last year. I'm trying to match symptoms to conditions now and its quite confusing at times. I guess I'll be doing alot of praying about what is best for me moving forward.

[@marknugent9851]

I turned 42 in May and got my diagnosis in Dec 2019. The relief was palpable. In the months since things have started to slide into place as I realise this and that from my past make sense thru this diagnosis' lens. To get tested or not is your choice but I hope my experience gives might help you along with your decision. Hope it goes well and you get the help you need.

[@user-eg8ht4im6x]

It’s never to late diagnosed at 56 will worth it, brings such understanding of all the whys? But are you happy with were you are if so that’s great. It’s your choice.

[@goblinodds]

oh man i have the same difficulty really fathoming actual people posing a real danger to me!

[@Shaun126]

I definitely don’t know how I’m feeling sometimes mostly when it is a negative emotion I will say “I’m worked up” but I don’t know if I’m going into angry or depressed or anxious until one of those symptoms becomes glaringly obvious so one second it’s almost like nothing is wrong from the outside perspective then it explodes out of me. I actually am slightly better empathizing with others emotions when they tell me them than I am with my own emotions. I still get sucked into manipulative and abusive relationships a lot because of not being able to read into their intentions.

[@rachelruiz5637]

I can usually only say my zone of regulation or decide what would be appropriate to feel in a situation.

[@sable4492]

Yes i didn't know about this but unless extreme feeling i can't explain it. It's making relationships hard. I don't know how to explain it and it is so hard

[@Sunny10tv]

Yeah I get what your saying for me with my autism it's hard to read emotions unless there extreme. If there just in the middle a little happy, sad, etc. I can't tell & have actually mis read people thinking by the way they were acting etc with there emotions it was one thing & turned out to be a whole another. The only time I could actually read emotions. My one friend has bipolar disorder & was very extreme with his emotions, happy, sad, mad etc. It was actually easy for me to read his emotions. My parents still have a hard time with reading my emotions. They think when I have a calm look on my face that I'm mad (which to me I'm not), They also think when I'm happy that I have a sad look on my face (which to me is a little ironic personally lol) to certain level of degree though I sort of see what there saying. I still remember from years ago in the 90's when I had to get my kindergarten picture taken & the guy said: say cheese. The funny part was I thought I was smiling for the photo but when I got my kindergarten photo I looked like the saddest kid alive in the photo which to me I sort of laughed off over the years but in alot of my pictures back then even baby photos I never really smiled or at all. What's even weirder is I remember the event & being happy at that moment in time when the photo was taken. I've learned to laugh it off over the years~ 👍

[@animatordean]

my school theripist dosent exept I dont know for and answer and insists that I must know and that I DO, but I really dont know and I hate it!

[@JoyBean]

I think at times we all find we cannot describe what might be going on. I think it might get enhanced when one has a bit of a learning disability. I know for my partner it is sometimes hard for him to find words that match what he is feeling. I know for me I have had to back away or not bother him when he gets frustrated with this.

[@drose3900]

Wikipedia says logical and realistic dreams.

[@StephanieBethany]

Yeah, sounds about right - i saw snippets about less "fantastical" dreams or wild imagination and more tiny snippets of realistic things etc

[@crystalokeefe197]

Don't have problems with imagination though...

[@flikkeringlightz7472]

Do the test on www.alexithymia.us! It's pretty good.

[@aharrison1223]

So I'm confused because I was sure I was on the spectrum for many other reasons but then I get to a trait like this which I don't think fits me at all. If anything, I've been told I talk "too much" about what I'm feeling, almost having a compelling need to lay out my every feeling on every subject ad nauseum, and so descriptive it's like I'm forcing the listener to go on this journey with me and my feelings chapter by chapter in nauseating detail until I'm convinced they've experienced the situation exactly as I did, often putting them to sleep after hours on the phone lol. Is this another sign of autism or does this make me less likely to be autistic? Does anyone know? Thank you so much; I am genuinely wanting answers, because I believe I have possibly become so good at assimilating neurotypical traits over the years, I may have lost touch with my authentic self. But I have always been very good at describing my feelings in detail and am even a writer and a poet who feels high empathy, though it is selective. 💚

[@ashleyball5770]

❤️

[@garyfrancis5015]

Yo Samdy Sam Old video joke. Alexa thymia how am I feeling? I did do that with Alexa. Ask that question the blue light didn't do anything. Just went blank, I ask Alexa when will lock down end back in March didn't know. I though Alexi was a A.I robot that new everything but no.

[@susanbeever5708]

The description between you and your husband is exactly the problem between neurotypicals and neuro divergent people with alexithymia.

[@garyfrancis5015]

Stephanie You channel doing great but as I read from Dave F. Never turn into The Aspie World. Which your not. You can more like Yo Samdy Sam. But not The Aspie World Dan channel only helps himself he is narassitic and sociopath. I know a lot like myself in the past would say that is male unmasking their autism. But I never had a autism channel stereotyping that to the world of 136k subs. Edit 139k at the moment. So I only showed the old Aspie me the small world around me. Dan is terrible for autism awareness. His sociopath behaviour during the first wave of the pandemic was disgusting. He was using lock down everyday to live stream everyday to promote his channel. Not that we were only watching autistic you tubers so much to get into our special interest autism to escape from the horrible real world. Also sticking to the demand so hospital patients get a bed and don't die in the streets. Sadly life is horrible, it can be amazing, but then it isn't anymore. So people say is there autism you tuber your really against. None apart from The Aspie World. You are great Steph. You get the balance between Professional and personal you tuber.

[@garyfrancis5015]

I just going to read Dave F comment to this video. They are long and great comments.