Learned Helplessness & Autism

One of my lovely Patrons asked me to talk about learned helplessness and autism, so here we are! I do think this is a common issue among many autistic people, so I'm glad to talk about it. I'd also love to hear what you all would like to add to the conversation!
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[@purpleblue6471]

Kid: I have a problem Parent: Well, to bad (Problems becomes worse) Parent: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEVOR

[@SSJKamui]

This was exactly what I experienced. My gums bled. Because of this, I stopped brushing my teeths. My parents asked me, why I did not brush my teeth. I told them that everytime, my gums bled. They told me that they did not care. In the end, I needed to undergo a kind of surgery which was really horrible. (One part was they mechanically surpressed my gag reflex and put water in my mouth to be able to repair some parts of my teeth. When that was complete, I said "now, I know what people experienced in Guantanamo")

[@shadowfox933]

Story of my life right there

[@raven4090]

I got that a lot too. Also got the hypochondriac trip. Took walking pneumonia to school for 4 days in 10th grade, then collapsed. Mom: "Why didn't you tell me you were that sick?" Me: "I thought you'd yell at me."

[@raven4090]

@@SSJKamui That's so sad 😢

[@heedmydemands]

That is insanely sad yeah, shit

[@noor-5187]

I love how u are so genuinely concerned about children's wellbeing. Age 30 I feel somehow like that misunderstood sensitive, hurt child I was, is still inside me. The whole recent realisation of autism made think a lot about those old wounds, since it made me reevaluate my whole life. It's much more than a label and some tools to help with the future. There comes a whole healing process with it. Which is intense but so needed and helpful. At least that's my experience. Like shit, children are so vulnerable and precious. I super appreciate the work u do. U are the kind of voice I wish I had as an autistic child.

[@simplyvince1744]

This is why I have trouble with doctors and when I was younger with talking to my parents about things that were wrong. (TMI WARNING, I guess.) I was about 13 or 14 and my mom legally had to be in the room with me at the doctors. The doctor asked about my periods, as doctors do, and I straight up said that they were a bit irregular and was about to go on to talk about how painful they were (still are). My mom cut in just after I said they were irregular with "no they aren't", as if she somehow knew better than me. When I tried to argue, the doctor just ignored me entirely and believed her. So I just... I haven't been to a doctor since 2017 or 18 when I had to get the required shots for college. I might still have those same problems that need addressed still, and I might have developed really bad rib/back pain. And yes, my migraines have definitely gotten worse. All things that logically I should see a doctor about. But I'm not going to a doctor when they just might not believe me.

[@puntjepuntpuntje]

i guess some of the learned helplessness is also that people underastemate what people on the spectrum can / can learn. so they do everything that keeps them from trying learning and doing things for themself and makes them helplessness.

[@polynighthorn3104]

I cried.... This is my life and hearing you talk about it, hit me right in the feels.

[@raven4090]

I cried too.

[@uncovsean1843]

I can strongly relate, I isolate myself so I don’t get hurt. I will try to open up thanks to this video.

[@raven4090]

Same here.

[@emilyb5557]

How is it going? Hoping you made some progress for yourself

[@ksthoughtpalace3042]

I am a late diagnosed Aspie (in late 40's at time), have experienced what you are talking about my whole life. Strangely, after my diagnosis I looked and looked for help, resources, counseling, SUPPORT and have found Zero for adults. So just recently I gave up trying.

[@StephanieBethany]

Support for adults is such an unmet need in communities for sure 💔

[@raven4090]

I can't find any either.

[@Catlily5]

In my state (NM) we have an online zoom meeting for autistic adults once a month. I think some other states have them but not all states do.

[@emilyb5557]

There are neuro-diversity coaches out there and support groups including online if not your area. Dr K HealthyGamers has useful resources and videos

[@maddysutherland3166]

My husband is autistic, and I'm trying to work through this with him. I have ADHD myself, I get overwhelmed, and I'm well aware that I don't have all of the answers. He has a PhD in STEM, but has taken such a self esteem hit trying to find a job in science after university. People are SO mean, and SO cruel, but despite this he can't just give up- we need to press on regardless. Some people have been nice and taken the time to go over his skills and tell him that they ARE useful and SHOULD be in demand, but unfortunately, these aren't the people in charge of hiring.

[@unseeliesidhegoddess]

My mother just did everything for me, especially if I didn't get it right on the first try, if I made a mess or needed help. I was smart, so if something was frustrating instead of help and patience I was just deemed "lazy". I have been so overwhelmed by cleaning my whole life and no one has ever helped me work through how to do it. I can organize-- sorting things by alphabet or number is very soothing-- but cleaning is a seemingly insurmountable task. My mom likes things to be sterile, nothing anywhere, and I take comfort in my collections. To her, anything I have is "junk" or "shit" and I'm a "slob". The hardest part is that the clutter and dirt and messiness is extremely stressful and it heightens my sensory issues and anxiety, but I'm trapped in it. I don't know how to fix it on my own.

[@thevirtualjim]

IDK if it is learned helplessness but I learned I needed to 'toughen up' and the 'bootstraps' thing - as there was no reason I shouldn't be able to do all the stuff everyone else could(at least back then noone knew there was), and I'm smart so Im supposed to be able to figure it all out. Asking for help showed weakness that others would take advantage of. Just in the last handful of years finally I have been trying to learn to ask for help when needed - or at least realize when I do need help. Its still very scary for a number of reasons.

[@chroniceverything]

Very interesting points you made. As a mom of 2 autistic sons, the 20 year old still has major problems with meals. He won’t ask for seconds, if he’s missing a spoon or whatever he just sits in silence. I blame this on me- I just made his food, put out silverware & a drink, just like I did for his younger sisters when they were baby- toddler phase, but simply out of habit, and trying to give him a plate with a variety of food groups. Now I realized I was doing him a disservice. Mama Bear gone wrong.

[@lysagreen2314]

I was asked about bullying during my assessment. I said that I had been targeted all the way through school. Often physically. I was then asked if I had told anyone? I said I had tried to tell my mum, but that she had asked me what I had done to cause anyone to pick on me? The psychologist asked me if I had ever tried to tell anyone else? I said "no". She asked me why not? I just said "why would I do that?

[@Baliaur]

I've talked with therapist on diagnosis about my childhood and I've realized I had very little faith in adults as a kid, being a dog nerd I know what learned helplessness is, but I didn't connect the dots..

[@ree-is-me5077]

Great video as always. It would definitely make sense if autistic people were more vulnerable to learned helplessness. We're forced to mask our differences to function in a society that isn't like us, so we're hyperaware of anything we do that sets us apart. Even if it might seem like a minor event to someone else, like standing at an odd angle or not giving the right greeting, the fear, shame, guilt, and frustration we feel in those moments when we make what others would deem a social misstep is not minor in any way, and that stuff builds up fast. And it all gets amplified when you can't talk about it; a lot of this is happening when we're too young to verbalize these things, even aside from any other communication difficulties. It's great to try again but man is it hard.

[@unseeliesidhegoddess]

I also learned that when things start to go downward, if I try to say something, no one listens. They only listen when I have a full blown breakdown. I have to be in full blown health crisis before anyone believes me, and by then I'm just being an irrational drama queen. No! Everything actually hurts! Like all the stuff my brain is trying to process actually hurts! And I know that's not the way NT people are, but they don't understand how I am, so I am labeled crazy.

[@amber3574]

So here’s my concern: I am an autistic adult with children on the spectrum and my son has sensory issues. I’ve ALWAYS been negated and even now as an adult I don’t know how to talk about my needs or when to communicate vs “suck it up”. So when my kids “complain” I don’t know what to do to help them either. I don’t want to tell them “I can’t help you” but I really can’t help them. I have no idea what to do to help them or myself and it breaks my heart. How do you pour from an empty cup?

[@StephanieBethany]

Oh man 💔 That's really difficult and I would recommend talking with a therapist to help work through things if you are able. It's so hard when people teach us negative things and we simply dont know how to give what no one nurtured us with

[@deilen961]

First of all I just want to say I really feel for your situation. I've been healing my own learned helplessness for the past year or two and can only imagine the difficulty of going through that process whilst also raising a child and wanting to avoid repeating the pattern but also not having enough support of your own. In my own journey with this, I did a dive into Dr Shefali Tsabary's work on conscious parenting to fill in the gaps of my own experience. I knew from therapy that there were issues, but I didn't know what healthy parenting *could* look like so it was difficult to know what was missing. The key piece of information that helped with this area was her approach to empowering kids. Say, for example, a kid wants a bike that the parents can't afford. The 'normal' approach would be just to tell the kid that no, we can't afford it, you can't get it, sorry. But that's a disempowering experience for the kid. So the proposed alternative is to say something like ok so right now we don't have the money for this, but if you really want this bike then I (or this other person) can help you come up with ideas to get some money, and create a savings plan for yourself so that you can get it. Which is an empowering experience for the kid, because even though no you can't afford it right now, it's giving them a way to get it. I've been using that approach in my own life to reprogram my learned helplessness, and it's a difficult shift to make because of how much baggage and trauma I have behind it, but it's made a huge difference so I feel like I can vouch for it. An important note I want to add is an example for when it's a systemic issue (I have a vague memory that this example might be from Teal Swan, who has a similar approach to Dr Tsabary I think) So say a kid has an issue with the school system, but you have no way of moving them to a better school, zero homeschool options, no routes to work with them on. In that situation, the empowerment for the kid might actually be sitting down and explaining that you agree with their issues with the school system, and yes you wish there was an alternative but in the present day situation there isn't a practical solution, and there would be legal repercussions for them not going at all. *But* maybe they can think about all the things they would change, and maybe in the future they become the person who changes the school system and creates an alternative. - Again, I'm sorry that you don't have the resources or help that you'd need to be able to help your kid with this, but I'm glad he has a parent who understands his issues and is doing what they can to help, even with that being limited. That is already such an improvement compared to what myself and many others experienced, and is such a valuable foundation for his life 💜

[@nicholaslandry6367]

Be brave enough to apologize sincerely without making kido feel guilty by clearly explaining what you're apologizing for and then make a note of it so you know what you can work on in yourself

[@ksthoughtpalace3042]

I am over commenting, but this was relevant to what I have been going through I am so happy to see another person on the spectrum addressing it. Regarding counseling, I am pro-counseling but: 1. It is hard to find a good therapist even if you are NT, 2. It is very hard to find one who understands adult autism. The last counselor I tried chided me for my autistic traits over and over. "Look at me, look at me"... or loudly, very loudly, saying rudely "Helllloooooo!!!!!" if she thought I was spacing out ( when I was only thinking ), saying, " You know you talk about horrible things as if they are nothing?"...and on and on. I left her quickly. Therapist misunderstanding of us I believe is a factor in our high suicide rates....because, we can say, "I want to die", but not say it with the "proper tone" and so cries for help are dismissed. I strongly believe that autistic adults have to start helping each other and stop waiting for the NT world to do it: 1. We need to become therapists, 2. We need to start our own non-profit autism organizations that can provide support for adults ( employment issues including keeping a job, hygiene motivation, executive function coaching, advocates to go with us to court or doctors etc, help with beauracratic paperwork, etc etc etc).

[@StephanieBethany]

Holy crap that's an awful therapist. Some of these people need to be straight up audited. But yes, I agree with you - we are in a unique position to help each other in a way others can't!

[@cattiefogelsong6399]

Asperger's Adulthood I had to go through several therapist who gas lit me and enabled my mothers emotional abuse. I gave up for years but I tried again and I found a good one. I helped start ansuicidenprevention organization for my county and I always tried to bring up the reality that people on the Spector are vonerable and more likely to have other risk factors. It’s is a conversation that needs to be had.

[@wordybirdycs]

My learned helplessness definitely results from my family ignoring me or leaving me behind if I had a meltdown or shutdown or they just thought I wouldn’t be able to handle something and made plans without me. I just learned that nobody cared that I was hurt and nothing would change so I had to just get through life in pain and not ask for help or accommodations. I avoided seeking therapy because I assumed nobody would believe me. Thanks for putting a name and a good explanation to this feeling.

[@ksthoughtpalace3042]

Wow. The more I watch the more I see myself...especially the part regarding 'not trying again'. Years ago I gave up on friendships, romance, even meaningful work...for all reasons you speak of.

[@ninaleach6350]

Unfortunately I was only diagnosed last year at age 67.......so I really seemed to have learned helplessness very well in all that time. I have always tried to fight it and stand up for myself but kept getting beaten back down again. All that fighting took it's toll. I would definitely encourage people to ask for help.

[@Moonstar2314]

Listening to this has made me realize that I have learned helplessness with interacting with friends; no matter what I did my friends never had the time for me and over time I stopped because it wasn't worth it, as well as with looking for work. That my many attempts over the currently two years of looking and I have been rejected every time. That I won't go anywhere no matter what I do; even a place that helps with disabled adults rejected me because I wasn't "disabled enough" for their help. This makes me think about a mentality I've had for years. If the world has abandoned me, I will abandon it. And how toxic it is, despite me still thinking about that way of thinking.

[@raven4090]

It was such a relief to find out WHY I feel the way I do now, that I listened to it again immediately. My story includes failed job interviews. 2 years ago I found out that's a common thing for us because of our social differences. I can't take my new knowledge out there and try again because I'm physically disabled now. In other things though, I don't just have no motivation, I have also developed intense fear of the pain rejection causes me. I'm considering moving to a place where I can find a therapist that knows about autism.

[@frontotemporal]

Thank you so much for talking about this!! I've got this exact problem. Although I'm 28 years old, I still live at home, because my parents and other people close to me have made me feel like I'm deficient in a way. I've only been diagnosed last year and until then I've been told that I'm overreacting, that I can't deal with responsibility, I am unorganised, I act weird around other people and you can't take me to a restaurant, because I will (purposely) get sick etc. Even mental health specialists didn't believe me and so they sent me from one therapist to another but nothing would solve my problems. It's really hard to understand and break out of this vicious cycle of learned helplessness. (I'm sorry if I misspelled anything, English isn't my first language.) 😅

[@annalisaely4298]

I'm so glad I have a supportive family, that sounds awful. I can only eat one or two things at every restaurant without getting sick, and some places I can't get anything, but my family still takes me with them. I am having a horrendous time with therapists right now, refusing to believe me. Why would we lie about this stuff? Sending support from afar.

[@frontotemporal]

@@annalisaely4298 Aw, thank you so much!! 🙂 It's so good to know I'm not alone with all these struggles. Yes, I agree, it's incredibly hard to find a good therapist, even when you're neurotypical. As someone on the spectrum it seems even more impossible. I know right?! Why would we make up all these issues? It just wouldn't benefit anyone at all. Your family seem so nice and understanding!! Restaurants can be really tricky, especially if they're very busy and noisy. If only more people would understand... I guess my parents/ family are still learning about my diagnosis. I figure it'll probably take them a while to come to terms with it. At least I hope they'll be a little bit more understanding...

[@Jellybeans107]

sounds like you need a better support network around you , to help you realise you can manage things, you are capable and worthy. Do you have any support groups around you either for mental health or autism, can you get yourself out to any clubs or classes to gain more skills etc? where theres a will theres a way!

[@craftyoldlady]

Wow! This video has been very eye opening! TFS! I always thought learned helplessness was when someone eventually refuses to help themselves because someone else does everything for them! My 21 yr old autistic daughter also had brain cancer when she was 2. She went through so much pain and torture that she had no control over and then developed untreatable seizures that she has had no control over. Now I understand her behavior. Her name is Bethany by the way and people always mistake it for Stephanie!!

[@annesautism9003]

Thank you very much for raising this topic. I truly enjoyed your video and found myself in it, especially as a child. I learned very quickly that whenever I asked for help with anything that was bothering me but seemed weird to be bothered by for other people (back then, nobody knew of my autism, yet), I got a "Oh, don't worry, Anne, it's nothing", or "Really? Now? I don't have time for this, right now, it's nothing". I got shut off quite often and I vividly remember thinking to myself that if nobody can help you, you need to fix it by yourself. So I did, indeed, stop asking for help; luckily, instead of becoming helpless I, instead, worked out my own workarounds. But still, it took me 38 years to finally ask for help again, this time from a professional. I find it very sad that even with the rising awareness of autism, today, people still carelessly shut children (and adults) up simply because they don't understand their problem. I understand this does not happen on purpose or with bad intention. But the more important channels like yours are, I think, to raise more awareness.

[@QuestingRefuge]

So good to see someone else talk about this! I think we are often unintentionally gaslit over so many things when most of the people you're interacting with experience the world completely differently. Some big ones being different communication styles and sensory experiences. Getting diagnosed is actually what got me to a therapist and finally seeing all of this.

[@realtalktinaann]

I spent so much of my childhood and young adult years stuck in learned helplessness. Such a horrible feeling and you can't find your way out. Thanks for this

[@Tim_G_Bennett]

Great video Stephanie. That sums my problems up very well, I was smart at school but failed academically so all the teachers just said I was lazy and needed to try harder, I left school a broken person. I didn't realise until watching this video that it's also morphed over to relationships, after 40 years of trying and failing (my longest relationship has been a week of long distance) I've basically given up there also. I've also given up on therapists after seeing quite a few they just say that I'm a great man I "just need to put myself out there". That's as much help as I have been able to get, not very helpful. Yes I have come to realise the world gaslights us, "everyone struggles with _______ ". I was diagnosed a year and a bit ago now.

[@howardlanus2347]

"Scream and cry but none will hear you. Plead and beg but none will help you." Guren no Yumiya, Attack on Titan. Is there a better description of why learned helplessness is a thing?

[@notamistake573]

This is timely. My therapist was discussing this with me just yesterday. Basically, fear of rejection had kept me grin finding friendships outside of my marriage.

[@neiladlerart2493]

Wow… this video sounds like my life right now. I’m late diagnosed and for so long things just didn’t make sense. Videos like this are great resources. Just to know that others have gone through similar struggles really does make a difference in your emotional well-being. I was diagnosed about 7 or 8 years ago and I am just now realizing how things fit together in my life. Thank you for making videos about autism.

[@envystar6665]

So when I was little I had really bad sensory issues involving touch and texture, I would scream and cry/go into hysteria when I touched or was surrounded by something I didn't like and for me that was anything that was squishy or rubbery( I also hated balloons bc they made a loud noise). How I developed learned helplessness was that because my reaction was so dramatic my parents found it funny so they would shove balloons in my face and surrounded me with textures I hated just to get a reaction out of me. One time had sensory overload so badly it triggered my flight or flight and I ran out of my house screaming and my parents chased me with it and threw it at my face. This caused me to suppress my sensory issues and when I told them I had sensory issues they would call me a hypocondriac and say that I'm faking it for attention. Lol now I have nightmares of my whole entire family causing me the worst sensory overload/meltdown of my life and moking me and laughing at me, and locking the house so I can't escape. What's funny is that I got a autism diagnosis at 7 and I didn't find out until 16 that sensory issues were an autism related thing and that they were real and now everything clicked, but the damage Is already done and now my sensory issues have become worse and I suppressed my coping mechanisms.

[@shortycareface9678]

I definitely see myself in this. I moved away from my hometown (and all the friends I'd got in senior high) in 2018. Everything went well at first... joined some interest based communities, and even got a partner with whom I lived together. Then we broke up in early 2021, and everything went to shit. Been trying to get back on my feet since then, but I just can't shake the feeling that it's all going to go to hell anyway. It doesn't feel like there's any point in even trying anymore. I've given everything multiple chances. These communities don't resonate anymore... every time I think I've found friends, a potential partner, etc. it all goes to shit after a while anyway. It's frustrating to be told to "just keep trying, just be yourself and then everything will work out". Clearly, everything isn't working out... and one can only try so many times before one gets sick and tired of it. So, I've pretty much convinced myself I don't need people anymore. I have a couple of close friends where I live now (many of which are unavailable large portions of the time due to work, health related issues, relationships, etc.). And I've reconciled with that I'll probably be single until I reach my thirties, and who the hell knows then, it might as well continue then. Not saying this to have people counter me. I'm sick and tired of empty words by now. "You just need to find your people!", "there are people who care!", "there's someone out there for you!", blah, blah, blah.... I've heard it all. Had it all shoved down my throat by multiple people since January 2021. I don't believe it anymore. I've given it all my efforts.... for now, I just focus on my education. Hoping to attain a PhD. That's the only thing I've got going for me. I just wish I could wake up one day and feel better... I'm terribly depressed. I have moments of thinking my mental health is improving, but at the end of the day, I'm back to square one. Tried seeing a therapist... she blamed ME for the fact that people reject me. Apparently, they're "of course gonna do that when I'm this cynical and misanthropic". Thank you very goddamn much..... definitely hasn't got anything to do with that I've been trying and trying and trying even more without getting any results, whatsoever. So yeah, I'm done.

[@KiwiinSpace]

This is something that i've been going through, and now I know what it's called. There are certain things in my life i've tried to do, but for one reason or another, they never got off the ground. I've tried making youtube videos, but they don't that many views. And I've tried dating sites and apps, but I can't find a date. It's gotten to the point were I don't feel like doing these things anymore because i'm not getting the results I want.

[@Jaichbinhier]

Question: So if "learned helplessness" is a thing, is "learned helpfulness" also a thing? Like, are there ways to condition people positively in spite of the other circumstantial shortcomings?

[@StephanieBethany]

Good question! I dont know, but I suppose conditioning can work both ways

[@SSJKamui]

I am not completely sure what you mean. But if you ask if its possible to condition people to think positively despite bad things happening, this is basically what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tries to aim for. (And this is a reason for one main criticism, that some of these therapists basically ignore real problems of the patient and instead teach them to not be upset about it.)

[@SSJKamui]

I did some research and it seems that the person who discovered Learned Helplesssness in a certain sense "overtook" the Beckian approach of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and tries to cure it by intellectually convincing his patients that their thoughts of helplessness are wrong, unrealistic or that their problems are not as extreme as they think.

[@AMD1]

2:14 hit me so hard, because in the 1990s I went through the same thing as that little boy with Ritalin headaches. Every day was like a fist pounding me on top of the head. Sometimes they turned into migraines that went away at night. Sometimes migraines would continue into, or through the next day. Only time someone noticed is if they caught me crying or vomiting. I used to hide a lot of that crying when I was young

[@sunnylight5753]

It doesn’t get easier but I am learning along the way🌱💛Make mistakes & Be Careful🌱🙏🏼

[@nydcat]

I experienced learned helplessness in college. 1/2 way through my degree, I developed bipolar. No matter how hard I tried, a depressive phase came and I needed to abandon for medical reason. I would frequently shut down in class, my classmate would snicker at me, they thought I was sleeping. I wasn't diagnosed at that point so I had no idea of what was happening. I came home and was crushed by an overwhelming feeling of sleepiness. It went on for a couple of semester. The last semester that I was there, I was harassed by one of the executive's son. I made a complaint and won. When it came time to re register the following semester, I was summoned by two academic advisors who intimidated me into leaving, saying that I didn't have the right skills to be there. It worked, I left. When I got stable, like a year later, I tried to re enroll and was flatly rejected, I asked why and they told me that I was a talentless student who wants to stay out of stubborness and a waste of everyone's time. That was the day that I learned the false belief that I was a loser who would never achieve anything.

[@StephanieBethany]

💔 I'm so sorry that happened. I'm glad you're able to recognize that those were false things to believe about yourself though 💛

[@nydcat]

@@StephanieBethany I think that the most annoying thing in that is my legendary ability to hold grudge : ). I know it's pointless, that I'm hurting myself, but I can't help it, I'm still holding a grudge 15 years later.

[@ThatsSoAri]

This is so important. Thank you so much for this.

[@vinicius100acento]

I think we all love understanding processes in genereal... i've learned that when i understand why something happened i do better next time... we are great at observing and finding patterns... social life is about that as well... not a rigid process as a machine producing cereals... a little bit more "artesanal"... so we have to be prepared to find some issues alng the way... but if u're helping an autistic loved one, you gotta explain to us what is going on in a calm way... that is the main focus of my therapy... some stuff i can't process on my own... and they help me... you don't need a degree to explain something to your friend, son, daughter, brother, sister.... so you don't need to be a therapist to help your autistic loved one... be kind and guide us thru possible outcomes also... understanding for us is a timeless need... understand past, present and future is something that brings us comfort!

[@caityw2524]

Thank you for talking about this. Too many feelings to write.

[@emmei5403]

"we can't help you if you can't help yourself" is what I've heard my whole life when asking for help.

[@dustyroaddesign]

Hits close to home. For the longest time I've had this little voice in me screaming "will somebody just help me?"

[@-melanie-1115]

Yes. They always told me I was complaining about nothing concerning my healt. And then...it turned out to be cancer, and MS. Thanks.

[@myworldautistic670]

I don't think it's fair that we (Autistics) are abused so much by society that we develop learned helplessness and we are told that it's our responsibility to do the work to try to overcome it

[@Catlily5]

I was abused by my parents but I have had to do work to deal with it. Unfortunately, that is the only way to do better.

[@mailitedd185]

@@Catlily5 It's so sad that that is the reality for so many. I am so sorry you had an abusive childhood. Those events can often make us stronger in the long run. I just wish that people would not be so evil. Big hug to you. 💙

[@SSJKamui]

I agree with what you say. Especially on topic of the relationship aspects. And its socially shunned to ask for help in that area. Because of that, In my experience, you mostly only get these results, if you ask for help: 1. People recommend you that you continue flirting with other people in the same way that never worked before. (and often even had horrendous results.) There is the famous statement of Albert Einstein "doing the samething over and over again and wondering why the results dont change is a symptom of insanity". But strangely, on topic of love, a majority of people exactly recommend that. 2. They tell you instead that you need to see a psychiartrist. Most psychiartrist tend to treat problems in this area by completely ignoring them. Because of this, if you have had several psychiartrists, this "advice" will only make you angry. 3. They tell you that love is not important and that the only important thing is money. 4. Some "Gutmenschen" (German slur for people who want to pretend to be morally superior by hurting other people and by publically calling them out for their perceived "crimes") call you evil and misogynist for daring to want a girlfriend, despite being so ugly. And they tell you that you should finally accept that you are not worthy of ever being loved, and not willing to accept that you dont deserve love is somehow "sexist". 5. Some of these people also have a strange attitude that every kind of help they would provide would be akin to teach you how to manipulate other people. These people even think telling you why your behavior scares women away, would make you inauthentic and dishonest. While especially the left seems to believe that every problem is being solved by cognitive behavioral therapy, conservatists seem to believe the same thing about game/"pick up artistry". They completely ignore that this demands reading a lot of body language from the other person, and that most autistics are unable to do that on that level. This does not help at all and most often only increases the learned helplessness and/or the related anger. Then, there are some people like parents and educators, who want their children/relatives etc. to do something and think by telling them "do this and you increase your chances of getting into a relationship" , they can convince them to do that. For example stuff like "have a good education and a good job". And when that does not work, this also feels like these people tried to manipulate you into doing stuff they wanted, but not you.

[@sable4492]

Omg yes!!! I was always called a hypochondriac 😭 26 almost and finally being looked at and it's finally being seen there are real issues.

[@UnapologeticFranchfries]

This has been something I been struggling with my entire life, from being a very optimistic bubbly dreamer, to end up with all kinds of depression related issues because I felt completely hopeless so many times but there was a period where I really touched rock bottom & stayed there for a while bc I felt incapable of not feeling so helpless. I believe the core reason of this is because ppl can be very hard & critical of other ppl & that leads to not giving the helping hand or empathetic ear that many times we desperately need 😔

[@PhoenixtheII]

I got diagnosed with PDD-NOS at my 19th... But it is like you said, with all the rejection happening since you entered elementary school. I'm 35 now... And have also been diagnosed with Borderline, Avoidant and Dependant personality disorder, PTSD. I feel like the damage that has been done, is no longer reversible. I'm always going to suffer fearing abandonment from my friends/job/partner... Because imagine, the loneliness... Imagine the ... omg, I have someone that wants to be with me... You so, sooooo don't want to lose that. Hello, I'm Phoenix, and I'm overly sensitive.

[@StephanieBethany]

💛 welcome to the so- called "overly sensitive" club. I believe we can all heal, but that doesn't mean the effects of that kind of pain isnt very real.

[@kirstieperkins896]

Ya'know, I have sort of this going on with me in regards to job-seeking. I've had bad luck trying to find a job because I live a town with a lousy workforce. I'm at a point where I think there's no point in seeking a job because nobody wants me and that I'll never be financially stable 😕

[@StephanieBethany]

I can understand that. Sometimes when I'm trying to do something out of my comfort zone, especially interviewing for something, I feel an immense sense of failure and this voice in the back of my head like, see? You can't do this. You're not like them. You'll never be anything more. And it's just something I think we learn to believe about ourselves even though it's not necessarily true. All the best on your job search! Hope you find the right job for you

[@kirstieperkins896]

@@StephanieBethany 😊

[@corvidfish8602]

Thank you SO much for making this video, I now have the word to explain what I have felt/ gone through for years

[@Xankill3r]

Everything about relationships (dating + friendships + family) you talked about is so much me! I wonder if this is also linked to attempts by parents to make you change your behaviour? I distinctly remember multiple occassions when I was told to stop shaking my legs, to stop rocking the chair, to look people in the eye, and unrelated to ASD - to stop using my left hand for stuff. I have poor eyesight and it only got detected once when they did a screening at school when I was around 10. Even though I knew that my eyes had started deteriorating by that time (based on how poorly I could see in the evenings) I never told anyone. :/

[@nopplochart7119]

i got sick a while back. went to docs and they said i was depressed. that i wasnt self monitoring my emotions. kept feeling worse. started smoking cuz i stopped caring bout health. got a cough an went to er for lung collapse. got xray. i started smoking just 1 month earlier but wat they found had been there bout a year. cancer. wasnt depressed i was tired. kept explaining how drained i felt. kept telling ppl how i kept getting hot then cold. everyone assumed sensory issues. would not of caught it without xray. everyone pointed at my autism. and i was like idk im used to being autistic. this feels diff. luckily we caught it early and im cancer free now.

[@angeldude101]

I always start feeling uncomfortable with this kind of topic. So I made sure to grab my journal and white "Learned Helplessness!" in big letters across one of the pages so that I could bring it up the next time I see my counselor.

[@Mondomeyer]

Autistics and aspies are only prone to learn helplessness because NTs are good teachers. We should give them due credit.

[@ML-di8lt]

THIS and my TBI

[@CollegeChick818]

My mom's go-to response whenever I would tell her anything is wrong (mentally or physically)- "suck it up" or "it'll be better by the time you're married". Gee, thanks 🙄🙄. I finally called the doctor about my headaches- turned out they were migraines. I was suffering with them for years, because of insurance and a huge fear of talking on the phone. (Calling people).

[@johniversen1539]

This is definitely my problem.

[@kittylynx8911]

Thanks much for the amazing video 📹 😀 I'm currently have trouble with doctors rn they all didn't belive me and I kept pushing there's something wrong well now they belive I have ms.... now they belive me..

[@aaronnitzkin8421]

Yup

[@Detnice21]

It pretty much sums up my schizoid personality disorder. Never been diagnosed with autism but i fit the criterias.

[@cdogvlog5557]

I think that this stems from the inability to quickly process language containing a lot of innuendo or uncertainty and the inability to figure out what is meant to be in jest and what is actually demeaning, so the easiest route is to default to always assume the worst. Also if someone is trying to get ahead and learn something the same way other people learn it, then fail, then try again and fail again, this also plays into learned helplessness, when you are trying to learn something but you can't focus on the lesson and the other people and everything all at once.

[@cattiefogelsong6399]

When I was thirteen and being elvaulated for ADHD and Dyslexia I explained to my doctors that I didn’t think I had dyslexia but I wanted to be evaluated for autism and she told me that I was being an over emotional teen age girl. I was later die gnoses with autism and ADHD.

[@sadshyguygaming125]

I see this in myself. I don't know if it's so much of people hurting me rather I see it as the lack of ability on my own part or lack of my ability to exist and fit in with everyone else. For example I don't know how to put my thoughts into words or sometimes I might want to say something but I don't know how to say it or I don't know exactly what it is that I want to say. I'll try to say it but I am not able to say what I want to say in a way that others can understand me. And I understand that it's from my inability to communicate and not from everyone else. So I kind of just accept the fact that I can't communicate well enough for people to understand and I don't even bother trying. Because it usually ends in frustration and my thought or message never gets across. But I might have taken this self defeated or helplessness mentality into everything in my life. Or I am unsure of how much this mentality is present in my life.

[@mireillepoirier9688]

I can agree and relate to everything in this video, especially about relationships. :'(

[@tyreesetjjoyner1995]

I feel you, girl. I also have autism too.

[@renohasbigtits]

Unrelated but you look awesome with a purple wig 👏👏👏

[@StephanieBethany]

😅 thanks!

[@yume6166]

Okay so I just learned out of that video that I have developed a baaaad case of learned helplessness.. Damn..

[@noor-5187]

Very important video, thank u. I'm 30 and still find myself constantly apologizing to people for acting difficult/picky/slowly/tired...etc. Since that's the feedback I have been getting my whole life. Now that I recently found out I have autism, this has been a big debate inside my head. I'm just not willing to constantly be apologizing for who I am anymore. Okay I have specific needs and don't act as expected/wanted and I am sorry if that's annoying. But at the same time I'm not...cause I can't spend my life being sorry for everything. Oh man, it's a difficult one. For example: I am always late for appointments. Reason is anxiety to leave the house,OCD comes up so I need to check things multiple times. Result is people being annoyed/angry at me for being late. Should I say sorry every time I let people wait or not? I'm lost. And if I don't say sorry, than what should I say instead? I'm sure if I say it's cause of my autism, people will just be like "oh now she's using autism as an excuse for everything".But it's a valid reason, not an excuse😒 and I am in tberapy for many years now so...what do people expect me to do (ah yeah probably take pills😉). Sorry for my rant, I'm a bit frustrated as u can see. Now I said sorry again. Aaanyway, does anyone have advice on how to handle this? :)

[@StephanieBethany]

Ah, understandable! Hoping for others to join in on the advice part as it's honestly something I'm a bit at a loss for myself, especially if therapy hasn't offered much advice on that either 😔 but I dont think you should have to apologize for everything! I'm torn on the late part, but as for "being annoying" or whatever else, I definitely dont think you should feel that way or have to apologize. I say that as someone who has routinely done the same.

[@StephPlannerBoutique]

Can a suggestion that might help with the being late issue.... When writing down the appointment write it down for 15 minutes before the actor time, so if the appointment is for 10:30 write down 10:15 so you have built in 15 minute cusion. Also set an alarm for 30 minutes to 1 hour before you need to leave, maybe even multiple alarms like every 15 minutes for the hour before you have to leave. This will hopefully give you the "freak out time" (sorry if that sounds bad) that you will need to still get to your appointment on time. I use to use this kind of reminder system for my boys when they was having a hard time leaving and/or changes to their routine. It really helped them to have time to freak out and get settled back down before when get to where we are going. I don't know if it will work but it is worth a try.

[@noor-5187]

@@StephPlannerBoutique haha I like the term 'freak out time' ☺️. It's somehow a clear honnest description of it. The idea of setting multiple alarms before having to leave I will definitely try, thanks! About writing the appointment down 15min early, I'm sure my brain is stubborn enough to just do the recalculation every time and leave late anyway. Since u refer to your sons on the spectrum I will assume u might be neurotypical. Could u tell me, would u prefer if autistic people appologize every time for the discomfort they cause u or not? Like should we say "sorry, could u please talk less loud". Or "sorry, this place smells weird,can we go somewhere else" etc. Random examples but my point is, are we expected to be sorry? It might seem a small effort to say sorry and explain ourselves, but it for me it doesn't feel right these constant sorry's. It puts me in a place of guilt and feeling heavy. But not saying sorry will be seen as rude. What do u think?

[@StephPlannerBoutique]

@@noor-5187 I totally agree you shouldn't have to apologise all the time. I don't expect my sons to apologise for for them being them. That would be like having to apologise for your hair or eye color, you simply can't control that. But you might have to explain why you want to leave because people just don't pay much attention to what is going on around them. However, if it is someone whom you care about and it is something that they really want to do you might want to apologise for not being able to handle (fill in the blank) because it was important to them and it shows that you care about them. If they care about you, even if they are upset, they should still understand. And if they don't then use my example of apologizing for hair/eye color on them 😉 because sometimes people need something the can understand and a LOT of people don't understand sensory issues at all! Or OCD or anxiety or many of the other things that also affect autistics....

[@noor-5187]

@@StephPlannerBoutique Thanks, I like that advice. It's probably not a white or black thing about saying sorry, but depends to who and the situation. Also what meaning u give to the word sorry. I can say sorry for upsetting someone in a sense of 'I am aware of it', without meaning 'I am guilty to it'. And explain that my sorry doesn't mean 'I made a mistake and will prevent it from happening again'. Cause that's not the case. Very true about people not understanding sensory issues etc. We live in times of personal development, therapy, meditation,... I clearly feel people find that u should just work on things. As if it's a high sensitivity issue and u could simply train yourself to block out sounds or other triggers. That puts a lot of unrealistic pressure on people who are born differently. Good luck with everything and see u around😊

[@I.Love.Myself]

I love your hair!!!!! And I just liked your Facebook page!

[@StephanieBethany]

Aw thank you!!

[@lillianbonvallet1772]

What do you do when its the therapists and doctors that make you feel that way? I havent been diagnosed and until recently didnt even know enough to think it was a possibility. When I started seeing my doctor i told her I was diagnosed with adhd when I was younger but my mom wouldnt let them put me on meds and then just kind of ignored it. Noone told me until a few years ago I was even diagnosed. The school just told me I had a learning disability after sticking me in special classes. I never thought as a child to ask more and my parents didnt keep any records. Even saying hey maybe its not adhd but a learning disability they just talked to me like its my anxiety and I wouldnt need to check any of that out probably after its dealt with. I do have major anxiety but my social problems and problems learning are a major source of it. After learning more I think it could be autism but even though they made it seem like they were referring me to a specialist it is just a normal assessment which wouldn't really recognize autism and I cant even afford. I felt like I was stupid my whole life and it feels like with my back problems and my difficulties functioning as a normal person are just being downplayed. I tried to go back to work and couldn't even make it a whole shift. I try not to bother people and ignore so much pain but when I speak up I get treated like an attention whore. Who would want to keep trying?

[@everyrose2]

When my son was in 2nd grade and he was being evaluated for autism the school psychologist accused me of causing him learned helplessness by walking him in and making sure he had everything in his desk because he’d give away his materials to try to make friends. Is this possible you think?

[@StephanieBethany]

Eh, I dont think that would really be learned helplessness. I would say it makes sense to aid him in things he needs even if it looks different than the "average" 2nd grader. I suppose they were trying to accuse you of "enabling" or "coddling" him so he feels dependent on you or something but just from what you told me that kind of sounds ridiculous

[@ashleyball5770]

❤️

[@itsaprilsfool]

Ho-Lee-FUCK! Are you telling me that what I experience isn't just me being lazy or confident in myself??

[@purpleblue6471]

I wish I knew this bevor

[@purpleblue6471]

You're cool Steph but I never wanna do therapy again

[@StephanieBethany]

I can understand that 💛 it's really hard and even harder if you havent had positive experiences with therapy before.

[@davidlanier7006]

So you just described the human population on this planet, meaning nobody cares. I was just diagnosed last year, but my observation of everyone on this planet since I was young is that they really do not truly care about other people. So I would say that we have all been taught to put up with whatever life dishes out to you. I see and understand your overall point, but I think everyone has to deal with this subject at some level, but be Autistic just makes it that much worse. Life is like bootcamp in the Marines, just tough it out and put up with it and don't expect much.

[@necelticsox]

Hi there! I know this is completely off-subject and I posted this once before, but I wanted to do it again just in case you didn't get it: Thomas Clements, who spoke nice to you about your video on the Autistic Dark Web and whom you mentioned in that video, has opposed London opening up a Holocaust museum because it would be "exalting Jewish suffering over others". He also opposed a study meant for POCs saying "whities need not apply".

[@StephanieBethany]

That's definitely a yikes take and he does have a lot of viewpoints that I definitely don't agree with, but honestly I'm not sure why you're telling me?

[@necelticsox]

@@StephanieBethany Because when you think about it, is that somebody we want to be standing up for people like his brother? If he can be cruel to blacks and Jews, there's no reason he can't be cruel to any other minorities.

[@StephanieBethany]

@@necelticsox eh, sounds a bit cancel culture-y to me, tbh. Sure, it doesnt make him the best person on the planet by any means, but I dont see why that takes away his right to advocate for his brother. Everyone is capable of being cruel to others, whether to individuals or groups as a whole. But that doesnt immediately disqualify them from trying to do something good in some area. I'm not a fan of the idea that people are all good or all bad. I wouldn't necessarily be real interested in his takes on some matters, but I think there must be a valid reason he feels the way he does concerning autism and his experience with himself and his brother. Being able to talk to people we dont agree with is valuable, and while I dont like many of his tactics to get a rise out of people, I also dont agree with condemning people and refusing to treat others like human beings, ya know?

[@necelticsox]

@@StephanieBethany I don't mean to be all for cancel culture. I'm definitely against that. Still, racism and anti-semitism are evil. It doesn't take away his right to advocate for his brother, but as an advocate, he should have more humane views of people.

[@StephanieBethany]

@@necelticsox I get what you're saying - definitely not on board with anti-semitism or racism and it definitely would be a lot better if he had better views of people. I would hope that perhaps he does and is just trying to get a reaction (my never-ending desire to see the best in people at work here) but it's absolutely possible he has poor views of people and I hope that if that's the case that that changes for sure.

[@jordanbarrett4604]

Hey Stephanie I'd like to talk to you on Facebook

[@StephanieBethany]

Feel free to send me a message over there! My Facebook page is linked in the description

[@reylime2991]

This. The gaslighting is too much.

[@DaNgErDaVe1994]

so i've been getting tested for autism and from what the results show it says i just have ADHD, however i do know there are some similar traits. im not saying i was misdiagnosed, but i just feel like its more than just ADHD, or that it may not be the most accurate way. would going somewhere else to get another test be a good idea or should i just move forward with therapy? i've been on the fence about it for a few days now.

[@StephanieBethany]

You can always bring it up to your therapist if they're open to listening and receive therapy for now or if you feel you arent being heard, you can always go somewhere else and express your concerns