The Worst Book I've EVER Read.

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#50shadesofgrey

[@Aska2468]

A polish version of the book's audiobook has an uncut "Jesus, what a load of garbage" halfway in there from the person who read it.

[@wh0aheavy]

I've seen 2 separate comments saying this and now I really wish I knew Polish lol

[@KelseyDrummer]

I love this.

[@Erika-pq7ip]

That person is an icon 😂

[@Cp-71]

Where can I find the clip? Being Polish I think I'll be able to appreciate it ;)

[@kellyflores4931]

😂😂😂 that’s awesome.

[@wuschelfloke7690]

How is "KZbinr reads terrible book" one of my favorite content genres in existence?

[@rebelks88]

For me it’s someone complaining thoroughly about a book I can’t even make myself read. It’s lovely 🥰

[@abbyz13]

It’s better than a podcast I swear

[@hotmilo]

It's like a free audible but the narrator is hating on the book so that you won't have to🥰🙃

[@damenwhelan3236]

We get to witness the anguish we too suffered.

[@username.not.known2473]

Same. Any recommendations? I know Krimson Rogue did a helluva job with Onision.

[@josephinecatania3741]

"She has eyes too big for her face," so I am completely valid in picturing her as Professor Trelawney.

[@Zorovee]

@person person Im surprised a shitty 50 shades manga doesnt exist yet with everyone having over-exaggerated features (anas eyes as an example)

[@edmortis]

THAT would actually be an interesting book lol

[@MsLilly200]

@@Zorovee I mean... That might be a thing. I know harlequin has a bunch of books adapted into manga.

[@Xehanort10]

She'll tell Grey he has the Grim.

[@really.just.me.tho.]

Yeeeup

[@motherfreya2840]

Ana: I've never had alcohol before. Alizee: absolute culture shock

[@AlizeeYeezy]

and I took that personally

[@sseraphim2818]

@@AlizeeYeezy 😂

[@wyderka1990]

but for real, how could they? I'm Polish and I'm offended

[@i-love-anime-idols]

​@@wyderka1990because I value my braincells 🥰

[@wyderka1990]

@@i-love-anime-idols I know, but still...

[@MissCandiDandi]

His aggression towards her virginity is just such a disgusting red flag and the way he treats it like something to be 'rectified' and gotten out of the way so that he can get to what he enjoys. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 26, and I had been with my partner for a year before I was ready (we were friends for a very long time before we dated and he was well aware of my inexperience when we got together) He was patient, open and gentle with me and never pushed me to cave in. He took the responsibility very seriously and told me "as your first relationship, it's my job to teach you deserve/the standard to expect." My first time with him was completely at my pace, relaxed and so incredibly gentle. I am forever grateful to him. We've been together 6 and a half years now and he is still the love of my life, because of the respect and love he shows me. The idea of the way Ana's virginity is treated by Christian is absolutely disgusting and NOT how the readers should think that it should be treated.

[@dxmxrxsbxxckthxwxxdxlf3931]

It would be so nice if someone would write a romance novel that reflected real life because almost every sexy book I come across is bad and disgusting

[@alyxleaf]

Your partner sounds so lovely, I hope you're doing well!

[@TheGallantDrake]

@@dxmxrxsbxxckthxwxxdxlf3931 I think this is the reason why authors shouldn’t be successful young. They end up perpetuating toxic ideas because they have no life experience

[@user-is7xs1mr9y]

I'm 30 and still a virgin. I hope to be as lucky as you.

[@MissCandiDandi]

@@alyxleaf thank you so much! I'm genuinely so lucky to have him. We actually just got engaged a few months ago 🥰🥰🥰

[@nerdywolverine8640]

as an autistic person, hearing one of the searches was "is christian grey autistic" dealt massive damage to my soul

[@nerdywolverine8640]

he's definitely traumatized, possibly has some kind of personality disorder or psychopathy, and is incredibly abusive, but as far as autism goes as far as i know literally the only trait he has is low empathy which could easily be from any of the other stuff his brain is dealing with. was not pleasant to get bludgeoned over the head with the reminder that people really have a very shallow and one dimensional view of autism in the middle of a fifty shades of grey video lol

[@MissCaraMint]

@@nerdywolverine8640 I’m not sure I would expect this paticular author of being able to accuretly portray anny sort of disorder and condition accurately intentionaly. Something is wrong with this guy obviously, but who’s to say what it is.

[@crowdemon_archives]

@@MissCaraMint lol even the author has no idea wtf is wrong with Grey.

[@barbararab6390]

Seriously who tf thinks autism = kinky???

[@MalakxFuarie]

@@kazudolly it’s a medicinal term and it encompasses more then one personality disorder not just antisocial personality disorders. Just because it is rarely used doesn’t mean that it hurtful or outdated. If you don’t have it don’t speak for those that do and if you do have it don’t speak for the rest of us who fall under the category too. I’m so tired of people thinking they can tell me what I have to be offended by.

[@lemonmelon1883]

Reminder that Christian later on throws a hissy fit at Anastasia because an email he tried to send her wouldn’t go through. Attractive billionaire my ass

[@cidevant002]

Was that when Christian just assumed that Anna would change her name for his and then was shocked when Anna didn't immediately changed her business email?

[@mikaroni_and_cheez]

@@cidevant002 *that* happens in the 3rd book I think

[@tonichan89]

"I tried to email you... *it bounced.*" Makes me laugh every time. It's so hilariously petty!

[@IxiaRayne]

@@tonichan89 especially in that timeframe 😂 Even if she would have had plans to change it, I doubt that it would have been done that quickly in a huge company 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@Sedna_B]

I snort-laughed, that's rather me on a shitty monday morning as an accountant tbh.

[@WojtekDetko]

Funfact: In Polish audiobook actress reading the book in between chapters said "Oh my God I'm gonna vomit" (even she hated the book). The funniest part is that at that exact moment main heroine sees Gray and it sounded like she wanted to vomit by just looking at him.

[@jackiearnolds]

Can't believe they didn't cut that out lmao

[@WojtekDetko]

@@jackiearnolds Yeah. Either it was a mistake, or they left it to get attention.

[@eospolaris9472]

@@WojtekDetko I am going to assume they left it in because the editor thought it was part of a script, because that is imo the funniest option

[@patriciaf844]

@@jackiearnolds i think even proofreader’s couldn’t handle re-reading it😂😂😂

[@cousindexter]

I would too if I had to read it out loud and make it sound sexy and seducing 😂.

[@Angi3_6]

I find it odd that in both books, it is a minority (Jacob is Native American and José is Hispanic) that ignores Anna’s/Bella’s boundaries and is framed badly (rightfully so), meanwhile Edward and Christian does the same thing, but is treated as “romantic”.

[@Astroprojectshun]

fr it’s just racism

[@wildfirefox1]

That white Mormon casual racism is high

[@Morbiscrazygirl4447u]

Even if they didn't mean it, it still comes off as weird to be honest.

[@heatheralice89]

Really good point🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@deadspace7978]

It's literally that "let's add someone *spicy* that's not white but not let them be the main male lead because he isn't white. Just a bunch of thirsty housewives being stupid in my opinion.

[@mellow_mallow]

HELP Christian asking Jose "Where do you want me?" for a photoshoot is accidentally the only sexy thing E.L. James has ever written and it's not even between the intended romantic interests 😭

[@oopsallbugs]

LMAO

[@b.collins2656]

petition to remake this series so that it's about christian and jose's enemies to lovers arc instead

[@mellow_mallow]

@@b.collins2656 I'll sign that

[@r0b0b0t8]

​@@b.collins2656 i also sign this

[@TalkBack17]

It totally is!! 😂

[@jamesrule1338]

I've always wanted to write a book that starts with a character looking into a mirror and then thinking "Yep, no reflection. I'm still a vampire."

[@nekomage6521]

The only correct way to use the "start a book by looking in the mirror" cliche. Fr tho I would love to read that

[@brunomartins1477]

Vampires don't like mirrors XD

[@rory0233]

Alright, give me a few months, I'll see if I can make something out of this.

[@greenstarlover1]

Best way to introduce a vampire protag.

[@frankensteinlives]

I'd read this!

[@Echo-mg5em]

Large eyes are considered a traditional marker of feminine beauty, her “eyes too big for my face” bit is merely one of several clumsy attempts at “she’s so beautiful, she just doesn’t know it.” 🙄

[@mophead_xu]

also a signifier of childlikeness (or childlishness, idk which one would be more appropriate). in some context it can be endearing, like someone who's always curious about everything and ready for any adventures that lie ahead. but in romance, and especially when it's given much importance, it just feels ... creepy.

[@barbararab6390]

Bitch is an anime character

[@tonichan89]

Shit, I wanna imagine Ana walking around in this non-anime world with super-anime eyes. Only the eyes though, the rest of her face is still normal. 😂

[@Nine_Crows_Down]

@@tonichan89 Alita: Battle Angel

[@skinsciencebymira]

This! It’s like when characters have cheekbones that are too defined lol or lips that are too pouty and full

[@MADGHICE]

Rule number 01: Don't start ur novel with someone staring at himself in a mirror.

[@hotmilo]

That's the NUMBER ONE RULE! NEVER do it. It's so cliché and just cringe worthy. What even.

[@IxiaRayne]

Rule number 02: Don’t Stadt ur novel with someone waking up and or staring out of the window into the rain.

[@elenalizabeth]

One of my favourite series starts it’s first book with “my least favourite dead guy had his boots on my desk” (vampire dead)

[@lunar-1340]

@@elenalizabeth what book is this? I’m curious to read it.

[@emmaheard5250]

Anita Blake?

[@elinaw6175]

I bought Fifthy shades of Grey at a thrift store, and the previous owner had bookmarked it at about the halfway point. And that made me laugh because one day they had had enough, folded the page and just never picked up the book again. And I wanted to know what the last straw was so I read it and when I hit the bookmark it's the like fourth sex scene or something. Her orgasm is described in the exact same way as the previous, and I get it. I get why they gave up. I haven't read any fourther

[@mayailianna]

Idk why but I like the way you told this lol

[@hurricanefrid]

Underrated comment 😂

[@elinaw6175]

@@mayailianna thank you, English isn't my first language lol

[@MissCaraMint]

I also bought a used copy as I wasn’t sure I wanted to support this, but I didn’t get any fun anecdotes out of it.

[@whispersinthedark88]

I never understood how this book got so popular, but I remember a little bit after that many second hand shops had to refuse donations of the book because they were being completely overwhelmed with tons of copies...lol

[@legsorcist]

the main problem is there’s no reason to suspend disbelief if the love interest isn’t a vampire. even though edward’s behavior is abhorrent in twilight, the reason he does such terrible things at first is because he sees bella as prey and then keeps acting the same way when he realizes she likes it and because he’s a socially awkward teenager (kinda). you can look past the creepiness if you want to because you just assume a universe with vampires would function differently, especially relationships with them. if it’s just some adult man who wants to harm women because mommy issues it’s a bit harder to get into

[@RainWelsh]

Exactly, Twilight still isn’t great, but at least you can understand “my boyfriend’s controlling, but then again 90% of the people I hang out with are monsters and if I play my cards right he might turn me into a sparkly super-predator.” Fifty Shades is like “if I play my cards right, my abusive boyfriend might become my abusive husband.”

[@MissCaraMint]

And the last book has Bella as a Newborn being way stronger than every other of the Cullens because I can’t remember exactly. So the playing field is leveled instantly in terms of power. Thoug I guess he technically has more money, but I’m guessing that’s not hard to get as a vampire.

[@carissa4081]

I agree. Both are trash but Twilight at least makes sense within its own world building.

[@Blake1720]

Exactly. it's too real world for the level of creepiness.

[@fpcooper95]

@@MissCaraMint when I "reread" Twilight it's only the second half of Breaking Dawn lmao 🤣

[@blueblank8287]

“How old were you when you were adopted?” “That’s publicly-available info.” “Oh, shoot, if only I’d known I was doing this interview sooner so I could research.” …Wasn’t Kate supposed to have written all the questions down? Did *she* not research for the interview she’d been planning to do?

[@AlizeeYeezy]

not even Ymir knows

[@immiwright7386]

Anna going on and on about the way that Gray's 'pants hang from his hips' has led me to the conclusion that Christian Gray is actually just what us British kids would call a chav

[@celinahatton2653]

It makes it sound like he has no arse.

[@crowdemon_archives]

@@celinahatton2653 and somehow he can still... Use his legs.

[@user-ji9if5gh2p]

she sounded genuinely offended that the twilight sex scene faded to black and “you had to imagine it”

[@dead_vibes]

"I stopped breathing, he was too beautiful." By God, she's dead. That explains everything. After this point she died and the rest of this book her last moments of a fantasy playing in her head.

[@bebebonb0n]

Ok AU idea: what if christian grey is a medusa like creature, and he like- i dunno turns people into stone and uses their remains as resources, it be neat, better than the original certainly

[@tarhumdonorstoriesforthebored]

@@bebebonb0nit would make sense of all the grey ‘marble’. It’s just people turned into stone that he polished to look like marble. Someone make that a thriller that be sick 😊

[@davincigift]

All the mentions of the "subconscious" tapping her foot or glaring at Ana has me envisioning Lizzie Maguire's little cartoon version of herself.

[@xxDeeMmmVeexx]

Honestly I thought I was the only one but that’s where my mind went immediately

[@abhainn35]

How else are you supposed to imagine it?

[@AmyAberrant]

@@abhainn35 it’s weird to me that her positive inner voice and negative inner voice are named “inner goddess” and “subconscious”. It would make more sense to be inner goddess and inner devil or something.

[@darkcrydotmrihavetoomanyst1440]

​@@abhainn35even shorter

[@yuyuyashasrain]

I weirdly picture the devil as a cheerleader from johnny the homicidal maniac

[@a64719]

as an autistic person myself, the “is christian grey autistic” question kinda makes me think about how there are often cases where autistic men/boys can get away with predatory/violating behavior on the grounds of “not understanding social norms” even when those norms are the most basic forms of consent… autistic or not he deliberately manipulates & coerces ana and that’s not something that can be explained away by a neurotype.

[@geekgirl_luv4262]

It’s interesting because most autistic women (& some not creepy men) I’ve met, myself included, tend to be overly cautious when interacting with others because we don’t want to accidentally violate anyone’s boundaries. So yeah, autism isn’t going to make someone act super predatory if respecting boundaries is something that’s actually important to them.

[@Nockgun]

we autistic people are cautious of everything we are hyperconscious

[@celinahatton2653]

I have never, in my life, knowingly used another person's toothbrush. I don't care how many bodily fluids we have, or are going to exchange. Just NO. And if someone wants to use my toothbrush, instant deal-breaker. Get out of my house now.

[@bluepheonix2455]

omg I know right? It's not even about breaking down boundaries with someone you're intimate with, it's just fucking _gross..._ that's like making food for someone and saying "oh no, it's fine, I don't have to wash my hands- my significant other washed _their_ hands earlier!"

[@crowdemon_archives]

The only time I will use another person's toothbrush is if I'm using it on anything that isn't a living breathing human.

[@username.not.known2473]

It's dangerous. Streptococcal mutans can be transmitted. Don't even share a toothbrush with your kid, it'll give them cavities.

[@celinahatton2653]

@@username.not.known2473 the Toothbrush is sacred. I've raised my daughter the same way.

[@SallySueSaywhatagain]

Hard same. There are some things you just don't do. Using someone else's toothbrush (and removing someone else's tampons, *Christian*!!!!) is one of them.

[@AutocratTV]

i'm mostly offended by how boring the book is. as a person who writes fanfiction especially. like, as alizee said, there's no stakes from a plot standpoint, but even through the lens of self-indulgent ship longfic there's no ROMANTIC stakes. the two leads are interested in each other from the start. neither of them are in relationships or have any viable rivals for their affection. aside from being attracted to each other, they both LIKE each other as well, albeit ana in an admiring way and christian in a condescending way, they both immediately have a positive impression of the other person. literally the only thing "in the way" of them getting together is just. that he's rude, i guess? and her two-dimensional cardboard best friend doesn't like him? and he "doesn't do relationships"/is a bit broody? it's so fucking BORING. smut in fanfic is generally meant to be a payoff for rooting for the two mcs to get together the whole time. why would anyone want ana and christian to be together? why would ana and christian want ana and christian to be together? christian has more sexual tension established with jose in the line _"Where would you like me?"_ than he does with ana in the entire series.

[@AutocratTV]

same with ana and kate for _"She really is so domineering."_ for that matter.

[@AutocratTV]

like BITCH. it's so boring. ur telling me this girl puts up with three books worth of abuse for this absolute nothing sandwich of a relationship? where is the intrigue, ms james.

[@myapeterson5469]

Fr, I've read smut fanfic much more deserving of the kind of recognition that 50 shades got. Also, having heard passages from the book, I can't help but wonder what made her stay with him. I mean, you're putting up with his abuse, stalking, and petty tantrums for some dry, dusty dick? Embarrassing 😬

[@emstink]

I think this is one of the sad side effects of fanfiction. A lot of fanfiction is really really good, and deserves to be published far more than this book ever did. But also, lots of fanfiction works on the premise that the reader is already familiar with the characters and the universe. As a consequence, a lot of published fanfiction feels like it's missing something, the characters feel like they're lacking personality, or the world/plot doesn't make much sense, because the author is writing it with all that knowledge already filled in from canon, and thus doesn't bother reiterating it in their own book. Ana and Christian feeling empty and boring is down to the author being absolutely abysmal at writing, yes, (and also due to Bella and Edward being pretty boring people in the original story), but it's also because the fanfiction wasn't properly adapted to be a standalone book. With the understanding that Ana and Christian are meant to be AU Bella and Edward, things start to make a bit more sense. The lack of character development is down to the fact they're just copy pastes of pre-existing characters that had their own development in a different story. 50 shades of grey like spooning the gravy off a shabby roast dinner made by a cheap restaurant and handing that gravy to someone in a plastic bowl. You can kind of taste some chicken and carrots in it, but it's mostly bland and missing the rest of the context, you don't know why it exists, and maybe a good chef could do something better with it, but it's just gravy. It also has a really bad aftertaste and the longer it sits in the bowl, the more it coagulates into a thick mess. I don't know why but I always make really bad analogies, sorry!

[@sawyer9969]

this comment made me absolutely cackle

[@meap6474]

To think, in a weird domino effect of things, 9/11 influenced this book - Gerard Way, singer of My Chemical Romance, witnessed the towers fall, he was affected by it, so much it was a reason he formed the band (MCR) - Stephanie Meyer was influenced by the emo subculture MCR pretty much launched into the limelight during the early - mid 2000's, thus inspiring her to write Twilight, with the angsty dark themes and all - And of course, this book is Twilight fanfiction Funny how the world works like that

[@bashbashfulsson4540]

Of course, 9/11 happened as a response to American foreign policy in the Middle East, which is partly in its current state of political turmoil thanks to how the European powers divided up the Middle East after WWI. Of course, Britain wouldn't have been a major military power in WWI if it wasn't for the Tudors (mostly Henry VII and Elizabeth I) building the foundation for the British Empire three hundred years earlier. Of course, the Tudors wouldn't have been the rulers if it wasn't for Warwick the Kingmaker. Warwick the Kingmaker is responsible for Fifty Shades of Grey.

[@jules2291]

​@@bashbashfulsson4540 damn , I like you ...

[@peace5745]

and a direct consequence of the 50 shades of gray is 365 days , so add that to the roster as well of all the things that shouldve never happened

[@ryank6322]

And with every iteration, the artistic impulse gets more and more ridiculous and dysfunctional.

[@ohok8400]

And then the twilight fanfiction became a movie and the movie went to different path One path is the actor from the 50 shades movies voices a troll in trolls world tour named chaz and branch's solo song was an inspiration branch's va took from one of the weeknd songs in the 50 shades movies And then there's 365 days

[@johannarohe1401]

Listening to this while working out Alizee: "Is Christian gray actually a German shepherd?" Me: almost drops weight on my face laughing

[@Mels0103]

Good for you for working out! I know it's difficult to keep up with it, especially now ♡

[@hotmilo]

When i work out i only do sit-ups, push-ups and squats. That entire time I'm watching KZbin videos while doing the exercises... (Not me 'exercising' for more than an hour 🙃...)

[@gothicmuffinofdoom]

I was listening to it at work, I think my co-workers think I am crazy now.

[@johannarohe1401]

@@gothicmuffinofdoom how to establish your superiority at work

[@Corrupted_flesh]

An offense to German Sheperds, honestly

[@gem9535]

This book ALMOST ruined hot guys in suits for me, no joke.

[@hrosexo]

😂😂😂

[@novatalking]

I'm so glad that you point out multiple times that the forced kiss is sexual assault; I feel like it's so so important to mention that it is SA. It happened to me and it took me *years* to recognise that it was SA. We really do need more people to keep reiterating again and again that these things are SA

[@sharkfae]

i was in, some sorta relationship, and my first kiss happened so out of the blue, in such a stupidly not good moment for it to happen that i now consider myself to have a phobia of kissing kissing without consent is SA, 100% :(

[@anfhe]

I've never actually read 50 Shades, and I've just gone on an Onision lore by Alizee binge, so all I can think of is "this book is probably what Greg thinks his relationships are like"

[@hollyhayes9640]

I think Onision actually referred to himself as the "Joker of KZbin" once, so clearly he knows that everyone hates him. He probably refers to himself as "the Christian Grey of KZbin" too. 🧐👌🤷 (Who the f*ck knows?!?!?!) Edit: he probably thinks that ab*se is romantic. And he also made a KZbin video of himself dressed as The Joker.

[@chocobear4078]

@person person don't compare the beauty of my immortal to the trashfire that is oni boy

[@user-vy2hz6fl6x]

@@chocobear4078 beauty…?😭

[@chocobear4078]

@@user-vy2hz6fl6x yes

[@cranberryrosebud]

@@hollyhayes9640 Onision is the Jared Leto Joker of KZbin, he thinks his obscure self-expression and nihilism make him intimidating and mysterious, but they actually just make him annoying and painful to listen to. And him accidentally writing "Greg" instead of the MC's name in his book is actually worse than getting a "damaged" tattoo on his forehead. What I'm saying is, if he auditioned for Suicide Squad, he wouldn't make the cut, and I'd rather watch a movie about the "man who can climb anything" who dies immediately. I can't stand Onision, if you couldn't tell.

[@nevermnid]

My worst flex ever is I’m pretty sure I’ve read 50 shades before it was published, on fanfiction net.. when I was around 12 lol. Because I distinctly remember reading a twilight fanfic with the same premise and it had an authors note saying it was going to be taken down soon to be published. I only read 2 or 3 chapters of it though, because even then I thought it was awful.

[@CatTheEpicRamenNinja]

That was me, but with the After fanfic on Wattpad when I was 16. I remember having second hand embarrassment reading through it

[@MartinGiadrosich]

Yep, Master of the Universe I believe it was called.

[@toxicat]

me reading after at 15

[@CreatEr1n]

@@CatTheEpicRamenNinja I had a similar experience when I read The Kissing Booth on there.

[@makkabeech]

*gasp!* the ancient text!

[@Lutherunny]

Everytime they mention her subconscious being a sentient being i just lose a year off my lifespan

[@Xehanort10]

I've compared it to Dexter talking about his Dark Passenger but at least that describes his killing urge. Ana talks like an actual goddess possessed her and watched her and Grey have sex when she goes on about "my inner goddess."

[@ophelia5240]

Damn, only living to be 5 years old :(

[@blackmirrorprisoners]

This book is a perfect representation of an abusive relationship. You describe Grey’s interest in Anna as predatory - and that’s exactly it! He chooses someone completely inexperienced, naive, etc bcos she doesn’t know that what he’s doing is abuse, stalking etc. Abusers are often charismatic, funny, attractive (at least to their victims), and do things like love bombing, buying gifts, compliments, and then of course the overprotectiveness. The reason he chooses her is because Anna is the perfect victim. This book is everything a young woman shouldn’t do, and a perfect example of the ways predators abuse people who don’t know better. If only it was written on purpose!

[@emilygrace1692]

God I'm so obsessed with your book reviews oh my god -- the Marked one was so funny I did not expect to watch the entire thing. I would LOVE more of the awful YA stuff, I remember reading this series called "Shatter Me" that was pretty bad, and "The Selection" series might be a good one to look at too. I'd be interested in hearing about some of your favorite books too, probably less fodder for jokes there but it would be interesting to know!

[@CallMeVanEl]

Lol for the Marked review, i was like "I'll watch a bit of this and return to it later." Watched the whole thing 😂

[@hotmilo]

Damn me too😹 I was planning on watching just a bit before i sleep and ended up watching the entire thing. Thar following morning i was so tired and could barely focus in my class at school🙃🥰😹

[@emilygrace1692]

@@CallMeVanEl Right? I couldn't decide what to watch and was like "I'll just throw this on while I browse Netflix because I like Alizee" -- three hours later I had finished the video and was putting all her other book reviews on my watch later😂

[@katesicle]

Omg yes I vote Alizee looks at the Selection!

[@marlasinger6838]

Ou Is i

[@petrosinella]

During a bookclub meeting years ago, one of the ladies got to talking about 50 Shades (not the assigned book, thank God!). I talked about what I didn't like, which was quite a bit, and she got pissed off. She angrily told me that I needed to relax , enjoy the book, and stop being so serious. She was only one example of rabid fans I knew back then, and to this day, I will never understand.

[@dreamgirlfriendevil]

To me, it seems like the hype of 50 shades introduced a lot of women to erotic fiction, and because they didn’t have anything to compare it to, they thought it was the sexiest thing ever written. So when people criticised it, they felt attacked for finding it sexy, and wrote it off as people just being prudish or snobby because it’s erotica. So they doubled down on defending it against these so-called prudes who can’t have fun and you got the very intense fanbase we saw when it first became a media spectacle. Hopefully they have since found better-written erotica and moved on!

[@petrosinella]

@@dreamgirlfriendevil Makes sense to me.🙂

[@geraintthomas4343]

Fingers crossed., given it's tge worst written porn sibce Naughty nuns 27 we can only hope...

[@Phengophobia]

Uh oh. I don't know if Alizee has already found out about the "50 shades of grey" - inspired "365 days", for I fear it would be even worse for her sanity 😂😂

[@celinahatton2653]

@UnicornRaani and we cry a little more

[@TheSimpleMan454]

Wait what...?

[@Phengophobia]

@@TheSimpleMan454 oh, sweet summer child 👀😂

[@crowdemon_archives]

@UnicornRaani it's like Onision.

[@crowdemon_archives]

@UnicornRaani 50SoG and all its derivatives is really just Onision in different wigs.

[@jackiearnolds]

Damn, considering Alizee has read Twilight, House of Night and that dumbass feverdream that was Hungry, how much worse it needs to get to be the worst book she's ever read? This is going to be a great review, being waiting for your take on this lmao

[@AlizeeYeezy]

I miss Hungry, it was such an entertaining mess

[@liladesneko5730]

Probably a book by Onision

[@elenalizabeth]

She has yet to read an onision “book” or empress Theresa... The poor trees that died to make those books 😭

[@mikaroni_and_cheez]

@@elenalizabeth rest in pieces

[@ijucr2267]

@@elenalizabeth she has already read onision books

[@docjc1842]

As a psychologist I cannot explain how screwed up the premise of 50 Shades is. As a writer and reader I think you summarized how terrible the writing is. I'm so confused how a terrible plot and bad writing turned into a book and film franchise. Isn't it usually one or the other?

[@fenderr]

If I had a penny for every British KZbinr who hates James' murmur overuse, well, I'd have 2 pennies, but it's weird it happened twice 😌

[@thicc_mama]

Hey who's the second one? I need to hear more of the British ranting lmao

[@calebmapp7096]

@@thicc_mama I think it's Dominic Noble? Guy went by 'The Dom' for awhile for reasons other than the ones immediately coming to mind. He does book to film comparisons. Love that guy.

[@fenderr]

@@thicc_mama dom noble

[@user-vy2hz6fl6x]

It’s like when i saw two British people use “😎” ironically

[@causticwit]

@@calebmapp7096 Dom and Alizee should do a collab. It would be amazing

[@Chromaggia]

“When usually, billionaires prefer either models or children” holy shit girl

[@talynhastime9343]

You know what the worst part of this whole obsession with 50 Shades was? For some reason everyone piled onto this book series and not any well-written erotica that is already out there. I only read fanfiction now because published erotica is too straight and cis and cliche for my liking, but damn, of all things, of all BDSM series people went nuts over, it was the one that was incompetently written, poorly handled, abusive, cliche, and just plain odd.

[@tonichan89]

I think that's one of the biggest mysteries. How did this happen with this book? My best guess is that the title and cover was discrete enough for ashamed women to dare have in their bookshelves, etc. I doubt that's all there's to it though. Maybe it was the overlapping ganbase from Twilight. Maybe a little bit of column A, a little bit if column B.

[@MissCaraMint]

@@tonichan89 From what I have gathered it’s because it managed to get a large following when it was being writte and a fanfic. Then the fans were the first to jump on the book and buy it when it came out bringing it into the public eye. Then because it was in the public eye and so socially acceptable I guess, people who wanted to read something like it could buy it and still be respectable. I think that’s kinda the logic of how it went down.

[@Alexander59059]

Do you have any recommendations for reads?

[@samlerf]

Cis?

[@DArkFAe27]

​@@Alexander59059bdsm books?

[@TheRonnieaj]

I am a romance author. I am a VORACIOUS romance reader. Three 100k romances in a day? Done it. Will do it again. LOVE the genre. If I hadn’t been reading this on my tablet, I would’ve tossed it against the wall. This book is despicable. It is horrendous on every level. I’ve never struggled that hard to get into, let alone finish a story. 100 pages into book 2 and I gave up the ghost. SO many better authors out there (Roni Loren’s The Ranch series, and Cherisse Sinclair, come immediately to mind).

[@madcatter5293]

Ooh can you recall some good romance books? I'm trying to get into it.

[@Samantha-hl8lq]

So I read 50 Shades in German and English, for research purposes and let me tell you, the German translator really did her very best. The translation reads so much better than the original, and that is a very, very rare ocurrence. I still have no idea how James's bad writing was ever published 😅

[@antonioscendrategattico2302]

The movies are also better. It's almost as if the problem is EL James or something.

[@swagromancer]

Same! I read the English version first, and was actually shocked how the German translation somehow managed to be less awful. Even the movie is not quite as bad, thanks in huge part to Dakota Johnson's performance, who manages to give Anastasia at least some semblance of personality and self-awareness.

[@IxiaRayne]

Seeeriously?! Okay now I wanna do a side by side comparison of the two. But I don’t know if I hate myself enough for that 😂🙈

[@swagromancer]

@@IxiaRayne I know I don't 😄 I may be depressed and self-loathing, but there are things even I wouldn't inflict upon myself.

[@Samantha-hl8lq]

@@IxiaRayne Don't get me wrong, it's still really bad. But but not as bad 😅

[@flygirl6048]

Girl if you DONT do a part II I'm gonna wither away into nothingness... I live for your long-form book reviews 👉👈🥺

[@tonichan89]

If she doesn't, your withering is blood on her hands and I won't let her forget it! I... I really want a part 2.

[@bunnybartends]

It's been a couple pages. Don't forget Zoey Redbird is the most special fledgling in all of vampire history.... I murmured.

[@Popper_Drop]

I've refused to read these books on my own due to the backlash from the bdsm community. After hearing the pressure Christian put on her to stay when she wanted space gave me some flash backs of my own so honestly f*ck this author to the moon and trying to normalise and romanticise toxicity. I very much enjoy hearing you rag on it

[@TheSlipperyNUwUdle]

I think it’s unfair to say all fanfiction is written badly. I’ve read some absolutely amazing fanfiction. Is most fanfiction decent at best? well yeah. It’s wish fulfillment. But some of it genuinely compelling.

[@talynhastime9343]

A lot of it is compelling and extraordinarily written. I’m reading a fanfic where Geralt of Rivia (Witcher) is teleported to the Game of Thrones ‘verse and it is fascinating how easily he slides into his role as a skilled outsider with no agenda but is still considered a threat because he has no agenda. And any fanfic rewrite of game of thrones ending is better than the canon ending.

[@TheScaredLittleScholar]

I read a fanfiction once that genuinely made me cry, which is the emotional response a published book has never given me

[@BooksandBuns]

I've been reading & writing fanfiction for quite some time now. I've gone from things like Lego Ninjago to the BioShock series. & I can say, with full certainty, that 99% of fics I've read are leagues better than 50 Shades. Fics as bad as that happen really rather rarely. I've seen more horrible writing on original Wattpad erotica than most fanfictions

[@astupidbitch8084]

I’ve read tomgreg fanfic that was sexier than this, which? genuinely incredible as one of the pairing is called GREG. and i’ve cried over fanfic before, sometimes they’re as long and have the same payoff as a novel.

[@SilentProti]

I've read tons of fanfics in many different fandoms, generally if the fans demographic is older aka writers are most likely adults with life experience and willing to work on their skills, the fics are usually really good. Shout out to Sherlock BBC and The X files Fic writers, especially. I've even read bdsm stories where characters were so caring for each other I was swooning (it's not my cup of tea, but I'm willing to check out if I like the writing style). In the stuff I read I usually only have a problem if it takes place in Japan and I see the author isn't aware of some cultural differences.

[@royce6485]

Oh my god I’m so fking excited. This series is so god awful that I can’t read it. But I love watching people put themselves through it lmao

[@hotmilo]

It's like a free audible but the narrator is hating on the book so that you won't have to🥰🙃

[@Eriines]

it isn’t an Alizee book review without “grow up” and “go away”

[@arieldee2665]

Even the metric that this started as fanfiction seems unfair since I've read a lot of fanfiction that was actually compelling, most of the time with better erotica too.

[@RoseLily0603]

My inner goddess cringed every time her self conscious was mentioned. I also almost got sick while at work because of how bad it was. I've never read 50 shades or twilight but I've read better fan fiction on wattpad than this.

[@sandysausages9505]

The weird insecure, innocent, perfect submissive Mary Sue energy is so unbelievably poignant, I don’t know if I can cope with the amount of eye rolls the second video will bring because this can ONLY get worse once Christians perspective gets brought in

[@trashpanda3544]

Whenever the book talks about Christians long index finger I imagine E.T's long finger with the glowing tip.

[@faithborak7375]

I burst out laughing at this, you just made my night

[@Xehanort10]

"Christian phone home."

[@CryptP]

So upsetting that 50 shades was my first exposure to BDSM So proud of myself for being able to still understand that 50 shades was hot garbage back then

[@natalijatheghost]

One girl in my math class sophomore year went around asking people if they were a "submissive" due to watching this god forsaken movie. Unfortunately, due to the internet, I knew too much and had to explain that 1. You can't just ask people that 2. It was horrible representation of bdsm relationships 3. Not everyone would know what that was. It was pretty rough that we had learned that shit too early...

[@Memequeen89]

I think Fifty shades got popular by accident bc it was published on kindle around the time kindle just started and a lot of freelance writers published anything there.

[@MissCaraMint]

Also it had an established aundience before publication.

[@mothmansboyfriend]

I love that EL James didn’t even bother to change the state the book takes place in and (presumably) just picked another random city in Washington that wasn’t Seattle

[@KateeAngel]

Thanks for criticizing its attitude towards people without children! As a childfree person I cannot help but notice how media pushes the message that "everyone who doesn't want kids, is broken" and at the end they always change their mind. So tired of that trope! Thanks for noticing it too

[@Xehanort10]

Exactly. Plenty of couples don't want kids. Twilight did the same thing with the character of Leah saying she wasn't as female as she should be because she couldn't have kids.

[@sophiaako7663]

@@Xehanort10 it's so insane that in this day and age we are still reducing women to if they can or want to pop spawn out or not

[@Xehanort10]

@@sophiaako7663 Not only are there plenty of happy single men and women but there are happy childless couples as well. Some people want to and do get married and have kids but not everyone does. So some people's logic of "If you don't get married and have kids you'll be lonely and miserable" makes no sense.

[@joyc.e.7511]

@@Xehanort10 For real. and let's be honest, some people really should not be parents. Having kids when you don't really want them can be a recipe for disaster and childhood trauma in the making.

[@gummidusa1076]

The “clumsy” trope always got me in giggles cause all I can picture is the girl literally stumbling like she’s drunk everytime she walks 😂

[@kosiqueensly4506]

Alizee’s pronunciation of Kavanagh is really cute. I assumed that the surname would also be common in England as well. It’s an Irish surname so I honestly get why there’s a struggle to pronounce it

[@TheSimplyCooking]

Back before the films came out I read Jenny Trouts recaps of the 50SoG books. She profited a lot of those recaps and people revived her own writing career. So you’d think she’d have enough interest to keep writing those, right? She stopped during the last book and said she just couldn’t do it anymore, she’s done, those books broke her. And that woman had months and years between the books! So I totally get your reaction to them. The sample of the first few chapters of the first book made me so angry I couldn’t keep reading.

[@oopsallbugs]

I remember reading those recaps too!!

[@muneerakhair]

What is with this stalker romance novella thing going on in the US? It's like a slew of authors were Boomered into accepting this as romantic. He is a STALKER.

[@fuzzycatbutts]

This is a British book and is like the most popular paperback in Britain of all time lol. Don't pin this one on the US.

[@roninfredricson6958]

So if vampires and werewolves are mortal enimies in the Twilight universe, are businessmen and photographers mortal enemies in the 50 Shades universe?

[@lucasmiller877]

At least the Twilight one made sense

[@once.upon.a.time.]

The way you absolutely SHRED through all the sickening aspects of this book makes me instantly trust you. You left no survivors 😫😅 I like to get books from goodwill and for a very long period of time there would always be several copies of 50 shades available. Not exactly a keeper, is it?

[@SoCalJellybean]

Also, I have been with my husband for over 13 years, married for 7, and we have a 2-year-old daughter. I adore this man more than life itself. However… under NO circumstances would we share a damn toothbrush!! 🤮 We could’ve just been doing the freakiest shizz between the sheets five minutes ago, exchanging all types of bodily fluids, but my toothbrush is SACRED! 😂

[@nichellecox4846]

I tried to read the first book but everytime she said oh my in my mind she started to sound like George Takei. So after that everyone started to become star trek characters and after that i couldn't get through it 😆

[@Zulf85]

That would improve the book for me tbh

[@celinahatton2653]

50 Shades of Star Trek sounds like a much better idea than this trash

[@yuyuyashasrain]

Have you heard the sexy data tango by voltaire?

[@bananamanchester4156]

You have blessed us with a Christmas present. Or should I say... Christian present? No... no I shouldn't. I apologise.

[@sophiaako7663]

Banana, this made me chuckle

[@ANPC-pi9vu]

I've read so much better fanfiction... but I think part of it is that with fanfiction you already know and like the characters so less exposition is needed. I don't understand why anyone would read fanfiction that had the familiarity stripped from it, leaving a hollow husk of a story played out by generic stand in characters. Granted, this IS Twilight fanfiction, so I guess generic characters are what the fans were into, anyhow.

[@NebulousMusic]

"If Twilight did something better than you, you know you fucked up."

[@IratePuffin]

Omg I’m so glad to see someone else hated this book! I couldn’t even get through it. The writing was so badly done that I just couldn’t get into it. You aren’t being dramatic, it’s just that bad. I didn’t understand why so many people were singing it’s praises back in the day.

[@shib5267]

Because this was pretty much the only book they've ever read

[@molluscumlore]

I have a feeling that the reason it was so popular is because middle-aged suburban moms could indulge in trashy smut and pretend it was good because it was traditionally published with an ok cover. They could easily open ao3 and read much better smut completely free, but then they're reading actual fanfiction, rather than published (fan)fiction

[@bethanybrookes8479]

From what I can tell, it's partially because the people who picked it up were barely in their 20s at the oldest. And others thought the awful writing was on purpose.

[@Mecharnie_Dobbs]

Published 2 years after AO3 was founded.

[@Mecharnie_Dobbs]

There was nothing else available in that genre.

[@Geospasmic]

I love the irony of a writer trying to portray clumsiness in such a clumsy way. Clumsy means you just fall down for no reason in these books. It's even worse when it's on screen because you can SEE them falling for no reason.

[@CommissarMitch]

You know who also made women sign NDAs in order to be with them? Onision.

[@Nockgun]

but they didn't know NDAs can't cover crimes that is technically hostage taking

[@awesomenancydrewfan]

As someone who lives within 30 minutes of Seattle, I CAN CONFIRM that we all mumble incoherently in conversation. It's like trying to talk to someone whose almost drunk but not quite lol

[@AgentPedestrian]

the problem I've had with E.L James' writing style is that the woman can't fucking write a flowing sentence to save her life I feel like I have dyslexia when I try and read "the mister" out loud to a friend for the lulz, keep stumbling over her clunky sentence structure but she did give me the very funny mental image of a man closing his mouth over the NECK of a bottle (she probably meant the mouth but in the text the protagonist just deepthroated a thing of beer and honestly? Good for him)

[@celinahatton2653]

Sometimes after a rough day at work, I'd like to deep-throat a beer, but I just don't have the gag reflex for it. Good for Christian.

[@faithborak7375]

The fact that she just straight up forgives Jose for attempting to assault her… like no. If any friend of mine tries to hold me against my will to kiss me, that is the moment they are no longer my friend. I don’t care how great a friend they were up till that point

[@katjau_]

I'm procrastinating and avoiding studying for anatomy and here goes medulla oblongata haunting me 🧍🏻‍♀️

[@James_Wisniewski]

When it comes to books like this, I find myself wanting to tell the MC to name five things about her "love interest" that aren't A) part of his physical appearance or B) his skill as a paramour. Not even things she likes; just things in general. What's his favorite color? What's he allergic to? What kind of music does he like? What does he do when he's not working or fucking? What animal does he prefer as a pet? What's his favorite genre of book or video game or card game or whatever? Does he play chess? Is he a normal person or a Patriots fan? Was he the type of kid who used a magnifying glass on ants? Does he vote and for what party? You know, basic stuff. What do you even know about the person you're supposedly so "in-love" with? Just pick five things. Please. I'll wait.

[@howdycowboy247]

Her subconscious...... METAPHORICALLY yells at her? Such a way with words. True mastery of the English language

[@annabeinglazy5580]

Her subconscious also has conversations with her during which the SUBCONSCIOUS is actually the reasonable one, trying to convince Anastasia to stay away from Grey with arguments. I dont think subconscious means what James thinks it means.

[@queencleopatra007]

@@annabeinglazy5580 I have a feeling the writer is confusing conscience and subconscious somehow

[@specsandscience47]

I got my booster shot yesterday and I feel like absolute crap right now, but you bet your ass I'm gonna lay in bed and watch this entire video because your book reviews are 🔥🔥🔥

[@hotmilo]

Yeee boii

[@KreeZafi]

I never read the book(s) or watched the movie(s) so I'm not super familiar with the story, and this is the first time I've heard the ED undertones brought up! The main character having eating problems is already sus, but there's NO WAY the names Ana and Mia are coincidental. Kinda disturbing.

[@DestinyKiller]

I don't think I've ever seen anyone bring that up either. With the writer obviously being into teen stuff I don't think it's a coincidence either

[@chaoticneutralfae]

I was listening to this while cleaning my beaded dragon's tank and he was side-eyeing the entire time. Damn. This book even has a lizard giving sass.

[@geekgirl_luv4262]

11:31 fun fact, apparently she did actually say “holy crow” a LOT in the original fanfic before it was rewritten and published as Fifty Shades of Grey. Amanda the Jedi read the fanfic and according to her Anna says “holy crow” like 70 times or something

[@mikeyjamieson4715]

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Still a better love story than Stones to Abbigale.

[@tonichan89]

Christian doesn't even have a vegetarian body 🙄

[@Duhgel]

@@tonichan89 *insert Greg raging about his body gif here*

[@dantom1]

not stones to abbigale holy shiiittt😭😭😭

[@IxiaRayne]

„My god did no one edit this“ - well they tried but E.L. James threw a tantrum (just like on set when they wanted to make some changes to the end of the first movie) and so they didn’t do anything. Well. Except for changing some punctuation marks 🥴🤷🏼‍♀️ It basically got popular bc James - formerly known as Snowqueen‘s Icedragon - published a chapter every couple of days, pushing the fanfic to the top of the website every single time, and when her publisher picked it up, they had wild success bc it went out with the first e-readers. If you are genuinely interested (I get if you just wanna rant, that book is hot garbage) Folding Ideas has 3 videos on the three movies in which he points out similarities to the original fanfic and goes into depth about this. Wildly interesting even given the source material.

[@tonichan89]

Those essays are the best things to come out of these books!

[@IxiaRayne]

@@tonichan89 I wholeheartedly agree.

[@carinah1236]

i think christian saving anna from the cyclist is meant to parallel edward saving bella from being crushed by that van, i mean they both suck but go twilight

[@DBSS13]

After enduring Onision's books with you, and now this, I feel like we've at least been in the trenches together or something, we've seen some shit Edit: Also, since you're doing gaming now, consider streaming something, could be fun!

[@songweretson]

I think there is a difference between murmuring and mumbling. Murmuring is soft, but not quite a whisper. Mumbling is not moving your lips. Stuff like this makes me feel so much better about my own writing.

[@The_Leftysaurus]

'Moving with lithe athletic grace to the door, he opens it wide' Alizee: That's because in a previous life, he was a vampire. Me: HAH! XD

[@00Boogie]

I think the one positive to take away from the existence and success of this book is that aspiring authors should learn to not let their inner critic paralyze them with doubt. No matter how much you think your work may fail to meet the mark, someone published Twilight fanfiction with the unmitigated gall of charging money to read it.

[@SteamBunneh]

I had to stop reading this book too because I specifically remember thinking IS HE A FEEDER?! It got weirder and weirder and then just.. nope.. no thanks.. lol

[@TheLadyLiddell]

"He slams into me" my legs have never crossed themselves quicker or tighter.

[@daedaluswriting9350]

I have a huge problem with the whole "inner goddess" thing Because in what world would a goddess ever want to be dominated by a man? In what world would a goddess wish to be smacked around, ordered around, stalked, manipulated, and/or controlled by anyone, let alone a mere mortal man?

[@AJTho]

I have an ex that insisted on us watching 50 shades of grey, told her i really didn't want to, because i've heard reviews on how bad it was, she got mad so we compromised and watched the movie. I've never seen that hunk of camera piece of crap before in my life, but i was answering the questions in the movie, my ex got mad "You said you've never seen this movie but you know exactly what they're gonna say !" i told her "that's because the writing is lazy and the script is bad", don't worry she is an ex, we've broken up long ago. The fact that you even attempted to get through this book is unbelievable on so many different levels.

[@xstarsystemsx]

Every time her "subconscious " talks to her, I'm reminded of those times in 90's/00's anime fanfic when authors would start arguing with their story right in the middle of it.

[@andree-annetrudel3949]

I've read the three books because one of my guilty pleasure is to cringe HARD. This must be the most cringy thing I've read in my whole life, like even the movie ''The Room'' didn't made me cringe so bad. I really enjoyed your video

[@crowdemon_archives]

The Room is at least entertaining.

[@Nockgun]

the room literally got the "its bad its good" thing

[@Mecharnie_Dobbs]

43:30 The flow of the conversation is: "I like my tea black and weak" "I see. Is he your boyfriend?" Whoa... What?

[@aromaladyellie]

I firmly believe this story would be so much better if it was a lesbian romance between Kate and Ana and from Kate’s POV as she tries to rescue Ana from a dangerous serial abuser. She’s a reporter- use that!! Have her be the intrepid reporter doing everything she can to save her best friend and slowly realising she’s in love with Ana. Ana never clicked with any men because she’s a lesbian but she clings to Christian because he’s exactly what women are told to want in a man and she has a lot of internalised both misogyny and queerphobia she learns to undo.

[@cooperstarr]

Good girl. You got further into that brain drain than I did. Thanks for your sacrifice and for turning a rubbish fire into entertainment.

[@silverdragon1286]

So, he was 15 when he had his first bdsm relationship? I was that age when I had mine. Fun fact, that grooming pedophile DEFINITELY didn’t teach him anything about healthy bdsm. I doubt there were safe words or boundaries or any of the stuff that makes bdsm safe. That cannot be what he uses to figure out what subs need. If it is, it’s no wonder he’s such a creepy, controlling, abusive fuck. He’s got some awful sexual trauma there (speaking from personal experience) and the last thing he’s capable of is having a healthy bdsm relationship if he hasn’t gotten help (which he clearly hasn’t). The fucking abuse cycle strikes again. Wow this book would be way more interesting if the author had realized this

[@Resilient_Sage88]

James has a weird fixation with the Fetishization and Infantilisation aspects. He orders her around like a puppy. There's a worrying amount of "child like" moments. It's so cringe. It's men writing women but a woman wrote it. 🤮

[@Xehanort10]

She does it in The Mister too where Alessia being portrayed as a naive womanchild is treated as cute.

[@nont18411]

“Men writing women” George RR Martin wrote women a lot better than this.

[@MinaBlak]

What are you talking about girl, you found your niche, don't you dare stop with these amazing YA/trashy book reviews!! You've hilarious & speaking my very soul!

[@marta0929]

I read one paragraph online, something about belly being rubbed in an elevator. It gave me heartburn and I never read a single word of that book ever again.