All About No Contact and Other Questions LIVE STEAM 6/27/24 (7 PM EST)

[@ThePancakeJedi]

Removed all the toxic people from my life. Family, friends... Sure it get's lonely, but I'll take that any day over the abuse.

[@steveh8658]

Haha! me too. Life is sweet when you get to own it and work from a point of strength.

[@RoseRedRoseWhite]

That's what I'm trying to get to. I just need to keep my head above water long enough to get there

[@BLB-mf8kk]

What stood out to me? "You have nothing to work with." So simple, but helpful and validating for me. We're in a no-win situation. Another thing that struck me: When Patrick said that he'd go back into contact if parents would take responsibility for their actions. No one orphans themselves for petty reasons or to be trendy. This is a painful last resort. ❤ Hugs to everyone!

[@Kerrin-wj7kh]

The non protective parent. Mind blown with that terminology. It's only been decades from childhood that I see this non protective parent as more than a helpless victim to the narcicitic rage that dominated our household and was directed at ALL of us. I now see him as, suffering yes, but also as blind to my own suffering and entitled to the care, comfort, and protection of his children. All with very little, and/ or inconsistent reciprocity. I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on this...the ensuing guilt, over responsibility, rescuing, caretaking, manipulated from others through guilt and blame and vulnerability to one sided relationships this presents. Love your work. Thank you ❤

[@sarahdavis4906]

Yes!!! Me too! Not protected. Never thought of it that way. Too painful to admit u weren't protected.

[@alpakafantasy5134]

Mum, you think you're the MVP or VIP but here's something new: you're NPP. Mother cards gift card next year 😂

[@Will140f]

I think about it like this: nobody with two cohabitant parents has one abusive parent. A parent who doesn’t stop the other from abusing their children or (when not possible) leave with their children is accessory to abuse. For me it’s easy to think about because my dad WAS ALSO physically abusive, but I hold him more accountable for allowing the abuse my mom perpetrated on us kids. My dad wasn’t even just non protective, he was enabling. That’s how I prefer to put it: the abusive parent and the enabling parent (who in my case, again, was also straight up abusive himself).

[@glarimo80]

My parents didn’t support my college education but they sure as hell showed up to take pictures and take credit for something I earned without their support. No contact has been key 🔑

[@selilatte]

Same. My sister showed up for pictures. Then left. They even travelled in different car.

[@TheEtherealgrl]

"Let's celebrate being awkward" Patrick, you're the best. Love the lives.

[@nazcarcup]

8 years No Contact with my dad and I'm never looking back. No guilt. The physical abuse and gaslighting made it extremely easy

[@allisonreynolds4433]

It is a bit ironic lol. I’ve been looking forward to this live stream all day because I couldn’t decide whether I should keep trying to have a relationship with my parents. This is after going no contact but then breaking the no contact to try to be understood and have my boundaries respected. I missed majority of the live stream because I was filing a police report. My dad actually punched me in the face and tackled me to the ground because I “disrespected my mother” by telling her I don’t desire to tell her the details of my life and she might (if she’s lucky) get to meet my future children 2-3 times. Looks like I’ll be going back to no contact. I’m 25, finally standing up for myself….today gave me a clear understanding of why I was too afraid to have a voice until now.

[@Kas_Styles]

Happy for you going back to no contact. ❤❤❤

[@nazcarcup]

Great job standing for yourself and filing that report

[@Mindfuluser2024]

Wow, that hits home. Thanks for sharing and good luck to you and going back no contact. I've thought about breaking 2 years no contact, but I worry something similar like your situation, or worse, would happen to me so I'm good, I'll stay no contact at this point in time. Cheers.

[@Will140f]

Holy shit I hope you’re okay after that! Sending internet hugs.

[@allisonreynolds4433]

Thanks a lot for the kind words everyone. Wow, strangers on the internet are actually very kind and supportive 😭

[@craiglist483]

My caution to someone who is no contact with a dying parent is that it may not play out like you hope. A dear friend of mine went to see her father on his death bed and he used the opportunity to tell her what a problem she was to him. And this crushed her, she thought it would end differently. That’s the hope. We don’t always get what we want or need.

[@VioletEmerald]

I would say you almost definitely won't get a completely different parent on their deathbed. I've never heard a story of an abusive or narcissistic parent changing their tune on their deathbed. People are who they are.

[@mcnbns]

Feeling you on this one. When my mom was dying everyone in the family tried to get me to see her one last time, while also being sure to explicitly tell me not to burden her with any of my issues. I don't think I missed out on much except gaslighting, guilt tripping and revisionist history, but it still doesn't feel great.

[@JFS1215]

@@mcnbns I went through almost the same thing. It won’t ever feel good because it was not good. It’s good that you didn’t compromise on your self care. There is no payback for that. It’s essentially selling yourself for the Hallmark greeting card version of a family: fake, syrupy sentimental B.S. I am still working on accepting the shittyness. I hope you have people around you who support your journey. I do!

[@LeahDyson-kq4bd]

Imagine that's the last moment you'll ever see your kid and you say that it's insane

[@ac1646]

@@LeahDyson-kq4bd It's the ultimate last word isn't it?

[@useruser-wc6mc]

I have a tip regarding a false sense that "maybe they will change". I've written down all the horrific things they did to me, not for holding a grudge (which I believe is more than OK if you had traumatic childhood), but to remind myself in such moments, who those people really are and how they treated me no matter what. For me it is kind of self-gaslighting when I start thinking that what if they change, cause reality proved they will not. The list really helps to accept this harsh reality and not to get stuck in "what if".

[@lilyosah2562]

This helps me so much too, my brain tries so hard to keep the pain away that I forget incidents very quickly if I don't write them down, and then guilt manipulations are a lot more effective against me. I will think of something to write down and then forget it again before I can open the note app. Growing up gaslit is crazy making but we are not crazy and this helps me hold on to reality and validate my feelings

[@LeahDyson-kq4bd]

So when your brain says you can't handle the truth you pull out that list and say yes brain I can handle the truth

[@katyjean862]

Self-gaslighting. That's a lot Of information in a hyphenated word. 🤯

[@jesslove83]

“It’s not that hard, no one’s going to die.” lol it’s so true. They are protecting their ego more than their own child, it’s sad.

[@karen0karen]

One time, when I was a very young teen and I got mad at my parents for something, my step-mom literally said, "well, at least we dont beat you" as if that was some sort of AMAZING ACHIEVEMENT on their part...yuk

[@docbainl9504]

Yuk disgusting behaviour. Emotional abuse can be as equally devastating as physical abuse. How dare they gas light and dismiss you. Both my parents are immigrants. My mother from the Philippines my father from Tunisia. My mother would do the whole. You think you have it bad you should see how some people lived in the Philippines. Or she'd do the you have food on your table and your own bedroom why are you complaining? I dunno. Cause I told you your live in partner molested me and you threatened and shamed me to the point I said I lied and then you buried it? Then 20 years later you brought it up in an argument and expected me to say I lied again and I didn't. I told you it happened. 😂. But hey at least she never hit me.

[@karen0karen]

@@docbainl9504 oh my lord, how awful! so many people simply should never be parents...

[@laurah2831]

The “FML” parent 😂 another perfect catchphrase. Suppressing space for anyone’s victimhood but theirs for generations

[@shirleycampas8484]

I've had no contact with my mom for 10 months now. I was raised in a cult my entire life along with family. I left it seven years ago at the age of 47. My mom refuses to validate this experience and to make matters worse I was sexually molested by my uncle. She blamed me for not telling her what happened. She told me if I speak of this she would blackmail my daughter and husband. Thank you for your work. Very helpful.

[@JFS1215]

All that confirms your decision. I’m just starting my no contact journey. Thanks for sharing your experience

[@twilit]

yes going no contact because they were already treating me as minimal anyway they just used it as an easy way to blame me for not accepting their scraps and make me the bad guy when they were the ones that always did bare minimum

[@jackietripp1716]

I just had to go no contact w my 84 years old mother and i've been feeling guilty~ She is very abusive and hostile. ( edit) Ive gone no contact in the past and broke it to try and mend things~ mending never works . Those times i break no contact and get abused again, its like starting recovery all over again.

[@Betsy-o3f]

Yep. I went NC and heard from nobody in 15 years.

[@katyjean862]

You're hearing from me. I see you. I hope you're okay today. I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself for 15 years. ❤

[@Betsy-o3f]

@@katyjean862 Thank you friend! 😘

[@ViannaAmbrosi]

Wow, I really felt the part when you said that if you send your kid to college you expect to be a financial resource until they are gainfully employed. It sounded so supportive and safe, and not what I had or could even have imagined a parent thinking that way.

[@marykuemmerle7796]

I'm curious if anyone else comes from a "tricky" family like myself. Where the abuse itself was more emotional and more subtle but the effects on me were devastating.

[@shan.-_-.]

Absolutely, I hear you. My parents minimize and sweep the emotional abuse under the rug. They expect me to just be grateful that they spent time and money on me. They are very good at playing the victims. They were very good at maintaining a good public image, so explaining the abuse to anyone outside the family is very difficult.

[@sssertob5712]

@@shan.-_-. same here - it's brutal

[@davi-dova1102]

yes. I can relate to this. It messes up with your head and no one can see it. But it is abuse! Take care.

[@HostileWorkplaceEXPOSED]

It's tricky a new term? The term has been around for ages and it's called dysfunctional. Most if not all of us come from an emotional abusive family. Nothing new here to see

[@marykuemmerle7796]

@@HostileWorkplaceEXPOSED It's actually a term that Patrick uses. It's for the families where everything looks fine on paper. There was no physical or sexual abuse or insane screaming, etc. mostly manipulating, gaslighting, etc.

[@Marylou-Johnson]

Your content brings me a lot of peace. The part where your inner child has this hope or expectation that they will be seen, heard, and get a rational response from their parents is so true. Also "nothing to work with" really resonated. Thanks for being so helpful and supportive for people who have no idea what that should even look like.

[@thomashutchinson4391]

I’m only part-way, 20 minutes, into this video and already inspired and validated. The point about some people being an energy-drain, exhausting for me as a physical reaction, validates my feeling that some people are toxic to me. Thank you, I’m looking forward to the rest of the video!

[@jolimoon]

It’s been 10 months NO contact. I still can’t stand that it’s real. The absolute horror, severe shock, sickness & extreme sadness of finding my lil brothers lifeless body, gun still in hand, finger still on the trigger…lives wildly in my body. It will not relent. The images are brutally invasive. Trying to behave in any “normal” way day to day is so f*cking weird. It’s as if I’m re-learning how to be human. I don’t know how to present myself. Do I pretend nothing happened so I don’t scare people away? Can I talk about it? Be real? Our parents were such f*cking garbage. They put us through true hell. I’ve gone NO contact for good, as “family” is the worst thing I’ve ever known. No need to elaborate there, as my brothers act of violence against his precious self speaks volumes of the conditions of our upbringing. We did NOT deserve it. My bro NEVER deserved it. He was always so kind & loving. My sister didn’t deserve what she got either, though mild in comparison. Her dad beat me repeatedly, but loved her, never laying a finger. Typical beating the step child type asshole. She also didn’t have to experience the first hand toxic insanity of my bro’s dad…the gun toting bat wielding stalking drug abusing daily death threatening psycho from hell, the using lying drug addicted weak sociopathic mentally unstable mom and her mother…the raging aggressive mean degrading narcissistic grandma from the depths of catholic hell, the police stations, courts, hotels, safe shelters, hiding in cars for our lives behind buildings. All the while trying to stay calm for the child in harms way, still trying to make him smile. The stress was unbearable. Many times I can’t believe I survived. She wasn’t around to help or show mental support. I severely needed help, but was glad our mom sabotaged me instead of her so she could have a chance at life. But still she most often turned her hate towards me for everything our parents did wrong even though I was a direct victim, a human shield of abuse for her. Many of my friends growing up, including some of her best friends, would approach me and ask “why is she like that? Why is she so hateful towards you?” They would often apologize for her as it made them so uncomfortable, often telling me they just wanted me to know that they didn’t agree and didn’t want to be associated with her way of viewing things. It helped a little, but I would always just make excuses for her saying it was ok, that we had it hard and she was just confused and didn’t mean it. I took so much so she didn’t have to. I only ever wanted to protect & love my siblings & Be loved back. But no matter how hard I tried throughout life to get her to like me, to “see” me authentically for who I was/am so we could have safe love, nothing worked since our childhood. A lifetime of trying has exhausted me, especially now. Just months before my brother’s death, I fearfully & tearfully gathered the courage (or desperate stupidity) to confide in her the GIANT red flags I was seeing in him and in his living conditions, knowing she may attack. And instead of being rightfully alarmed, she did the usual & accused me of being judgemental and scolded me suggesting I worry about myself. Left me in tears. I was NEVER judging that boy, only observing him, & I was right to do so😞. I knew something was terribly wrong. I loved him the most, saw his heart the most, & he trusted me the most. He always came to me for advice, for support & understanding. He once told me I was more like a caring parent than either of his sh*tbag parents. Melt my heart. I put myself in harms way repeatedly to protect him. I was willing to die to save him. He said his last words to me. It’s so f*cking unfortunate my sis & I can’t be there for one another in this time, but Im done begging to be seen, & throwing myself to someone who only threw shit back when I didn’t deserve it. My brother & I were put through more hell from our parents than she will ever bother to see. No matter how much I love her, no matter how much I want it to be different…I must accept reality now more than ever to keep the little sanity I have left safe. I NEVER stopped trying to get my brother to love himself. I changed so VERY much about my own life, trying to be a positive influence with high hopes of inspiring him, showing him we could survive the hell and still take care of ourselves and experience self worth & joy. But no matter how VERY much I loved him, I couldn’t make him love himself. Now I’m stuck experiencing this life without him, still having to take my own advice about having a life worth living. Still having to love myself. I’m sorry to whomever has read this. I desperately needed to let some of this toxic shit out of my body, and this felt like a semi-safe way vent. Dear, dear Patrick, through the years you have helped me more than you will know & I kindly thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@thirstonhowellthebird]

I am so sorry for the horrific and long term abuse that you suffered. You did not deserve it and neither did your brother. My first thought was that when you told your mom about your concerns, she then turned around and used those concerns verbally against your brother, who trusted you. She likely set up a triangulation encounter by design and he may have been clueless as to your concern because she may have made it sound like a betrayal because that’s what they do. At some point, your heart is going to recognize this and just know that none of this was your fault. I’m not sure how old you are or where you live, but my childhood was similar in many ways.I don’t think that brutal, abusive negative energy ever leaves our central nervous system. Maybe in someways we just make space for it because the harder we try to push it away somehow the more pronounced it seems to make itself. You sound like a very strong person somehow will find your way out of this. I’m glad you have gone. No contact. It’ll be the best for you in the long run. It’s truly the most unnatural thing anyone should ever have to do. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. Your story and your words broke my heart and I could feel your pain.❤

[@nemofairlight]

I read through it. 🫂 Can I just say... Don't blame yourself for this. You should never have been responsible for the life of your sibling. This was NOT your fault.

[@annahappen7036]

I'm proud of you for taking a stand for yourself and going no contact. I'm so sorry for your immense loss- loss of proper childhood protection and, loss of the innocence of childhood every kid is entitled to, and the for the loss of your precious brother. I wish you the best on your healing journey. 🫂 may lots of love and light and joy be yours.

[@sanddollar790]

At some point in life u need to allow yourself to stop and breathe. The time has come. There is a lovely scripture that talks about getting to a point of stillness - “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.” Be still ❤ It’s time to heal

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I'm so sorry for your huge loss. That is so sad. Xx

[@katyjean862]

"What are you doing for 4th of July? I'm going to go down to Cape cod with my family, we do it every year, we spend 2 weeks together, we love each other, it's awesome." This part hit me as being subtly hilarious. You're so real, Patrick. Thank you for making your knowledge available to little old me. It's been a great comfort to me in this loneliest and complex time of my life. Your perspective is a great combination of unique, real, honest, relatable, AND entertaining. The last thing I need is cliché, textbook, outdated conventional 'wisdom'. You deserve all your success.

[@katyjean862]

@2:55 I am definitely looking forward to the upcoming video about going No contact within a system that is already estranged. It is the most lonely, invalidating kind of feeling when you're trying to use your detachment to send a message to people and hope that the message might inform them that how they are behaving is intolerable. And maybe you're hoping that after a little bit of time, they might actually miss you and might get curious about what it would take to come back,...but then that curiosity never happens. you feel entirely worthless... My own parents don't miss me? How are they so content to just let me go for so long With no information about my life. Don't they want to know what happened to the human baby they made? What I have come to realize In my stronger moments is that it reflects more on them. It's easier for them to keep being toxic than to have to face a conversation about their abuse. But in my weaker moments, it really shreds up my self-image That my own mom has no interest in my life. She's not even willing to send one-way text messages to let me know Her door is open. It's not that I want to walk through her open door, but I don't want her door to be closed.... As of I'm the problem. That makes me feel wrong and bad. Anyway, really looking forward to that video, And I have indeed watched THIS video several times. PS Mom, your baby is a great success. Any healthy parent would dream of having an adult child like me, and your inability to recognize and celebrate your awesome daughter proves how sick and shitty you are. I don't miss YOU, But I do wish I had a mom. But I'll get over that.

[@silversleeper1193]

I didn’t submit the second one but it was almost identical to the one I did submit. It’s so hard to convince yourself you aren’t abandoning an abused parent. That getting angry thing is the hardest for me. I get angry, then justify her actions every time.

[@useruser-wc6mc]

I will forever be thabkful to you for bringing up topics around going no contact. I remember when I've seen one of your videos on no contact the first time and thia and comments below the video were so mindblowing and freeing. That was the start of my path, I'm still on the way and hope to break away soon when I will have more financial capability to do so

[@safonaholcomb3535]

"You have nothing to work with." #ThatPart You can't make Chicken Salad out of Chicken Shit. 👍🏼

[@sarahdavis4906]

'Was this helpful?" Nope. LIFE CHANGING. Such simple teachings. Total joy injection.I AM FREE TO MOVE ABOUT THE CABIN.

[@moanne6369]

Love that!

[@sarahdavis4906]

@@moanne6369 ty me too!!!

[@sarahdavis4906]

@moanne6369 good! I'm glad!!!

[@wordswordswords8203]

First, I want to thank Patrick for sharing so much of his knowledge and experience with us. It really is wonderful to have free help like this because these issues are so difficult and isolating. I'd love to see a video or live stream (love the live streams!) about doing cut offs with vulnerable family members such as elderly parents, kids, disabled family members, etc. I agree with everything you are talking about here with cut offs, that you are doing it for yourself and you shouldn't worry what anyone thinks about it because they don't really know what is going in in the family or they do and they are part of the dysfunction. But this other category of cutting off a vulnerable person has more layers. One being, if an adult child decides to cut off an elderly parent and when there is no other option than family care for that parent (at least of a stretch of time) and all of the caregiving is left to the other sibling, how is that ok? Aren't there times when situations such as this in the family should be considered before the cut off? The other issue I have is people who cut off for the wrong reasons. I mean, of course, anyone can cut anyone off when they want to. It's a free country. But sometimes people don't cut other family members off because the person being cut off is particularly bad, sometimes the cut off is primarily motivated by lack of interest, not wanting to be involved in taking any responsibility or offer an help in family situations, and sometimes it is to sadistic or vindictive. I guess I am getting outside of the scope of what you are talking about here and what you are talking about, believe me, I get it. I've been there many times. But I'm really curious what your thoughts are one it's not just as simple as, "the dysfunctional family or person is toxic and I am going to cut them off for that reason". I hope my question makes sense. In my particular situation, I've been left carrying for my elderly mother because my sister decided she didn't want anything to do with it. She's framing it as a cut off, as in she needs to protect herself from the family. My sister is the most toxic, damaged person in our family. She's beyond narcissistic, up into the sociopathic range. She steals, lies constantly, takes no responsibility for her actions, is sadistic, etc. There's not much I can do but I wonder for me and other people who are in situations like this, what are ways that can help us to cope? Sorry this is so long. I start out planning to write something short and this usually happens. Thanks Patrick!

[@AdamBenzaoui]

So it's more like losing hope for others to change and gaining hope and trust in myself to change my reality. This is what clicked for me!

[@Woodlandfairy2327]

Wow Patrick this is awesome!! So validating. I'm in the UK so im just catching up now. I'm beaming with positive validation with every point. A much needed boost on my early stage no-contact journey.

[@BeTheLightOK]

All of your content resonates with me so much. This live was especially helpful as I have been no contact with my “safe parent” officially for 1 1/2 years. My dad was never in the picture. She remarried a man when I was 4 that hated me from day one. (I know how do you hate a 4 yr old and how do you allow someone to treat your young child like they don’t exist?) He suddenly became aware of me when I was 16 and tried to date me!! When I told my mom, she “suggested” I go live with my sister, which I did. NEVER attempted to console me or talk about it. She is a master at DARVO even after his death many years ago. Yes, it is like she will die if she takes accountability. I’m resigned to the fact that it will always hurt but also understand that it would be more detrimental to me to put up with her nonsense. Thank you for being real and sharing your lived and learned knowledge with us. 💕

[@redllarbxen3237]

I knew someone who had terrible social anxiety, turns out almost all anxieties are trauma related. He did an Ayahuasca Ceremony and Now he's Okay

[@redllarbxen3237]

I knew someone who had terrible social anxiety, turns out almost all anxieties are trauma related. He did an Ayahuasca Ceremony and Now he's Okay

[@Will140f]

@@redllarbxen3237most anxieties and most addictive behaviours as well

[@user-3L3C12cR]

Thank you for answering the question I have been asking all my life. Why does The inner child feel so worthless that the adult struggles to finish tasks, make connections. Thank you for that stepping stone.❤❤

[@ajnacsoma4242]

My children do not want to meet their abusive, narcissistic, self-centered father. I don't force it on them. I let them decide. I get criticized for it, but I don't care. The norm should be for teenage children to grow up in a calm, peaceful environment. To get at least one protective parent or adult, so they can feel safe, heared. Otherwise they cannot develop without stress. I think your work is also important and valuable because it highlights something that most people need to be educated about. Otherwise, benign remark can hurt the child who has decided to continue in no contact mode. It would be nice if people could forget to say things like, well, your mother, your father, you should...etc. Not all parents want the best for their children. Some want to be served. Some want them to be a showcase child so they can control them or shine im fron of others, some know they have anger control issues but think the child has to put up with them...etc. Thank you for this video. Super useful for everyone. 🙏

[@docbainl9504]

Patrick your hawain shirts make my day. You're like the cool Uncle/friends dad we all looked forward to seeing at parties. You're a saint. We all adore you. And your wardrobe.❤

[@rifatherapper]

Hi Patrick, thanks for posting the stream for those of us who missed it live. If possible, could you include manipulation tactics narcissitic parents use once you go no or low-contact. My mother does it with her health and it makes it difficult to determine what’s real and what’s an attempt to get me back in her life since I’m her only child.

[@Will140f]

My mother has always been a hypochondriac. In fact i genuinely don’t know what ailments she actually has and what is her seeking attention (if a doctor says there’s nothing wrong with you, get a second opinion, but if 5+ doctors say there’s nothing wrong so you decide to change the symptoms and try yet more doctors, then what is wrong is not a physical condition but a psychological one). She always tries to guilt trip me with “really not feeling well” but she’s NEVER felt well my entire life, and I fell for the lies so many times before that she’s now just crying wolf to my ears. And just like in The Boy Who Cried Wolf, even if she really is sick now I’m still going to ignore her because she’s lied to manipulate me so many times before. I think you too should consider that position: does it even really matter if she’s ACTUALLY sick or not if she’s used her health before as a manipulative tactic on you? A person can only be expected to show so much goodwill for so long before they are just willingly subjecting themself to abuse. And what will you do if your mom is really sick this time? Are you a doctor? Please, have some more self respect ❤

[@Susanne-rv9ed]

Tuned in earlier and just feel like it is super important what you do for us thanks!!

[@stephanie8843]

“You have nothing to work with.” How that just struck me to the heart. I worked so hard and kept up hope. It’s so sad. I never wrote a letter or texted that I was going no contact, and just ignored the texts as they were hurtful and characterized why I went no contact. I recently got a card with the gifts for my birthday from a year ago with a negative comment that made me feel like that child of years ago. But I can’t respond because there’s nothing there and there never was.

[@karen0karen]

I absolutely hate the 'fake it till you make it' thing. Ive been lying to myself for half a century, Im pretty sure its not the right thing to do.

[@Willsontime]

Unfortunately on the death bed, admittance doesn’t happen and any thought that it will is pure fantasy.

[@Twinkle.Toes24]

That was my experience too. Not only that, but I was severely abused by my other family members while my mom was dying. My dad also assaulted me and kept me trapped in his home, not allowing me to leave the house or really see my mom but two times. It was such a horrible experience.

[@davi-dova1102]

It happens only in movies and series...

[@jcat7553]

This is so incredibly helpful. What stuck out to me is “the mom in waiting”. My mom I can see from this video she couldn’t wait to not be a parent any more. And having your inner child get mad at the parents 💥

[@SmittyTra-tra]

My mom just stood over my son and yelled at him for talking at the same time she was. He is 9 years old and was talking at a normal conversational decibel, she was speaking very loudly as usual, no matter who is speaking as well. My son and I have already discussed her toxicity and that of both my parents who constantly yell. He has said it triggers sad episodes in his baseline depression for which he gets therapy weekly. I want to do no contact for him especially because I have spent most of my life dealing with their dysfunction. I have created a lot of space to protect him from them, but I know it's not enough.

[@VioletEmerald]

You clearly didn't protect him from her if she's yelling at him. She's abusing him. That may have been a one time thing but that one time he wasn't protected at the very least.

[@Will140f]

At first I was anxious about being no contact, and it got worse before it got better, but therapy helped me realize that the intense dread I felt was itself enough to tell me that I was not going to do myself any favours by getting back in touch. I was able to work through my anxiety in therapy and now I’m still no contact but more because I don’t need to be ignored and shit on by toxic people in my life. I’ve even added a few “friends” to the list of people who were grossly violating my boundaries and have cut them out of my life as well. And now I am happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life! The friends I see are the ones who love me and respect me and whom I love and respect. The family I see are the siblings who love and respect me, including respecting my decision to remain no contact with our parents. And the siblings who don’t care or don’t get it and try to convince me to talk to our parents I’m not 100% NC with, but just organically we don’t really have much in common anymore and don’t really talk.

[@RodeoDogLover]

I love being awkward and acknowledging it. ❤ You can find your people quicker that way.

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

Going nc when you're already estranged....never heard anyone else talk about that and that's been my journey. It's oddly difficult.

[@redllarbxen3237]

I knew someone who had terrible social anxiety, turns out almost all anxieties are trauma related. He did an Ayahuasca Ceremony and Now he's Okay

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

@@redllarbxen3237 lol, stop. I've been around hippies claiming that crap all my life. Never once saw a single person become happy and healed afterwards. Total bs. We don't need to trip balls to heal.

[@redllarbxen3237]

@@madeleinegrayson8372 it's different for all people

[@spiderqueen601]

@@madeleinegrayson8372Yes!! and no one ever wants to talk about how abusive hippies are 😂 Don’t know about you but my hippie family to this day are extremely toxic people.

[@les4soul15]

Patrick Betrayed by my mother and sibling side with my ex.One of the hardest decisions, I had to ask my “ how would you truly feel if you lost your mom, sister?” Thinking that through my thoughts. I had to understand myself and why the lack of emotional support from them, had showed me , Guilt on would-of should Of, One of most blessed of freedom and peace.

[@em8066]

This was so helpful, and highly replayable. Totally agree that emotional & psychological abuse can be worse than outright physical abuse that everyone can point to as wrong. I am years into the no contact experience, and have practiced all of these tips, but triggers still occur and processing takes time. I’m currently navigating reorienting myself in handling close friends who know the whole story, but still say well-meaning minimizing, doubting, or enabling things about my reasons for no contact. Even on the topic of SA. These are intelligent, educated, otherwise compassionate and supportive friends. But have different cultural views on family, and they’re both dealing with abusive relatives that they haven’t set firm boundaries with. So my no contact decisions trigger some of their wounds, and they become less healthy for me to share with. My point is, this can be a lonely, tricky process, and reassuring your inner child about their truth & goodness seems continual. I will make new friends who are safe, but they won’t be able to manage my triggers for me. I have to do that.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

yeh, when i stopped banging on the door pleading to be heard, my family were like ''phew, see ya then''. I wanted to talk about WHY they couldn't hear my pov, to ask them to be less defensive and just hear me, so we could fix things, and connect over fixing the distance between us, but all I got what was, see ya, don't bother us again until you're SORRY.

[@tanjabuchholz5314]

Maybe its because it took decades of me trying and failing to have a normal relationship with my parents before I finally went no contact but I'm surprised how torn so many people are about doing it. Maybe their parents had more redeeming qualities than mine or they have more positive family memories or something along those lines (I'm sure every situation has its own unique set of complications) but for me it was a giant relief and I wish I would have done it many many years ago. I don't carry guilt or longing or feel sad about it. Some people are just toxic and I always had a sense that if they were not my parents, I would not want to know them. I sincerely don't like them as people and it was constantly stressful and draining being near them. Now that I'm middle-aged, I realize how much of me was lost trying to cope all those years and I never want to live like that again. I hope others find a way to break away and feel "positive" about saving themselves. Life is too short to waste one moment feeling terrible at the hands of others

[@catherinedunne1799]

I’m so glad you exist with the way you explain this. Thank you for your free content and for being here every day when my biological parents and adoptive parents never were or are. Thank you for talking about the grief of this decision and the grief of having tricky people for parents to turn to while trying to escape the bad situations they left you in.

[@JFS1215]

Minute 24: talking about the closure that comes with the acknowledgment of the abuse and hearing some kind of apology or regret. It’s a very hard truth,but don’t expect anything. If the dysfunctional system has persisted up until the last days of their life it’s probably not going to change. There is no good reason it all happened this way, we were just bomen into a bad family situation, that’s it. You CAN take control of what YOU do from this minute onwards. We all have the right to choose how we respond Good luck!

[@DontBeAlarmedItsJustMe]

Thank you Patrick ❤

[@InnerXFlames]

Happy to have caught this live and it was fun and validating hearing you drop the f bomb, I could tell how strongly you felt on the subject and a great example of how anger is healthy.

[@mrs.eppsclasses7081]

Hi Patrick. I was raised by a BPD mom who was abusive and neglectful and a dad who was either absent or codependent. Then I married an abusive narcissist. I got out of the marriage and have little contact with my family and now I am dating a safe, emotionally healthy man. I find that healthy, safe people often struggle to understand my life; not that I expect them to fix anything, but I also don’t want such difficult struggles to overlooked. Would you consider making a video for healthy friends or partners? I wonder if that could even stretch out into a series: understanding difficult childhoods, what support could look like, what behaviours aren’t ok? I’m not really sure, but I bet you’d have a good idea.

[@VioletEmerald]

Can you get your healthy partner to watch really good videos like this one or Ana Psychology's on the topic?, that's one of the deepest ways for them to gain understanding...

[@Samanthaasdfghjkl]

My parents used going to college as the only reason they’ll help me financially, while now leaving me financially high and dry right after I finish my degree and haven’t yet found gainful employment. They’re well off and take multiple vacations a year, and can more than afford to help me out, yet they’re forcing me to support myself fully instead, without a gainful job, knowing it’s going to lead me the endless cycle of debt and poverty. These people also allowed for me to starve and become underweight in their household and that’s part of the reason I moved out of their house (also for college) and now they’re refusing to help me pay for anything. It makes no sense because I did everything they wanted: go to college, hold two jobs and get amazing grades, yet none of this matters now and they just want to rid themselves of the burden that is my existence. I literally don’t understand why some people even breed.

[@sarahdavis4906]

OMG STANDING OVATION! 1. 1:05 "We're not really in contact right now... but thanks for asking. " MIC DROP!!! 2. 1:03 "I D K ur welcome to ask her we're not in contact at the moment. " DROP MIC AGAIN!!! 3. 1:07. "OK NOT TO BE AVAILABLE TO BE ABUSED" OMG MIND BLOWN.

[@sarahdavis4906]

Such anxiety how to respond to queries which is just guilt and anxiety. After seeing this, I am thrilled to say " I don't know, we don't talk" I PITY THE FOOL (channeling Mr T, I'm an older girl) that presses the issue. I shall smile and walk away. FUCK ANYONE WHO'S ON THE ABUSER'S SIDE. I learned that from u also, Patrick. If ur not supporting me, ur taking the ABUSERS side. GREAT vid on ur channel about this.

[@redllarbxen3237]

I knew someone who had terrible social anxiety, turns out almost all anxieties are trauma related. He did an Ayahuasca Ceremony and Now he's Okay

[@hibarry2742]

3:21 yes no response is painful but also, to your point, it’s validating that the parent really wasn’t invested in the relationship or really doesn’t have the tools needed to have a relationship, and it leaves a lot of emotional work on the floor for the adult child to pick up, but people with parents like that need the space to grow (imo :) )

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Omg i love lindsay gibson and kirsten neff so i look forward to both of those interviews

[@tracychavez7914]

You can’t heal while being abused by someone 💯

[@dime7612]

If you go no contact it’s because they don’t know how to get along with you. Stay away from them. Period. Deathbed, whatever. Move on. You are not the bad one.

[@Butterflyyyy9]

Thank you! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@jdprettynails]

Is it weird that I can’t stand the phrase “your/my/their truth”? I don’t know if it’s because my mother has been gaslighting me my entire life. But when I talk about my experiences and even if the other person is being sympathetic I just hate the phrasing of “your truth” because I can’t help but panic and think “shit, is my mum right about it being in my head…since that’s what my version of “the truth” is?” I need confirmation that what I’m saying and feeling is in fact real and what I went through did actually happen and it’s not just my version of what happened because “it wasn’t that bad” or “it didn’t happen like that anyway”.

[@Will140f]

I don’t love the phrase myself, but I think it gets at an important point: what matters is how we feel about what happened, not every single detail. We have learned that the human mind does not remember the past with 100% precision (this is why eyewitness testimony is becoming less and less important in court cases) but what your brain does not forget is how you felt. If someone tells you that you hurt their feelings with something you said or did to them, it doesn’t matter if you “don’t remember ever saying that” or that you “didn’t mean to hurt them.” They feel hurt and you should apologize. You are hurting. That much is clear. (Regardless of the reasons), why doesn’t that matter to your mother? She hurt you. End of story. That is enough reason for a loving parent to do something to make up for it.

[@jdprettynails]

@@Will140f because to her, what she went through was worse. So I have no right to feel traumatised by what happened.

[@Will140f]

@@jdprettynails but YOU didn’t put her through whatever she went through. You don’t just feel traumatized, you are traumatized. And maybe so is she, but here’s the difference: you’re putting in the effort to grow as a person and heal and move past what happened to you, no matter what it takes, and that makes you a responsible adult whose taking responsibility for their own life. Your mother never took responsibility for her own life and chose to remain a perpetual victim. That sounds harsh perhaps, but after a certain age you’re just willingly subjecting yourself to abuse at that point. She never grew up and she never learned, yet she chose to have you. The parent has the responsibility to protect their children. You aren’t and have never been responsible for her. She is the parent. She WAS responsible for you as you grew up. You don’t need to care what happened to her (other than maybe to see the intergenerational pattern); SHE needs to deal with that herself, and clearly never has.

[@jdprettynails]

@@Will140f very true. My sister is desperately trying to get her into therapy, but she refuses every time.

[@heavenlyprecog23]

@jdprettynails: I hate that phrase too!!! The truth is THE TRUTH…PERIOD!!!

[@pyenygren2299]

44:20 This is what I said to my ex boyfriend that liked my dad. "Live with him for a year, and tell me how it was."

[@magicalspacegiraffe]

Thank you for answering my question! It's so weird to hear someone else say my guilty thoughts about NC out loud. So far I've done some therapy (EMDR is a blessing) but I think I still need to screw my head on straight about the good parent vs bad parent dynamic etc. I didn't know about the membership workshop you offer, I think it might be the perfect amount of ruffling my biases without being too much all at once, so I'll give it a shot (especially with a the coupon code 😄)! Thank you!

[@wallhagens2001]

“But she’s your mom.” My answer: “And she’s also my abuser.”

[@dime7612]

I love Patrick. I do see his codependency coping mechanisms kick in a little to a lot to have to talk about these things. He doesn’t want to tell us the hard cold truth which is go no contact and stay no contact, but I know he is trying to be compassionate to us.😊

[@raisa_heaven]

At first, no reaction to no contact was a relief. But now the reality that they don’t and didn’t care hurts a bit. And all that stops me from communicating with my younger sister. A big invisible drama

[@Will140f]

I always thought that going no contact would “show them.” Be a metaphorical slap to the face to wake up and see what they’ve been doing to me. But they didn’t even NOTICE I’d gone no contact for 5 months and then when they did notice they didn’t really care. It did hurt, but it was necessary to help me get over my “magical thinking” - as Patrick calls it.

[@StarBitt97]

My family went no contact with me. I moved about 300 miles away. I went to work in the city and my family just didn’t even care. They never came to visit me. Then, my Mom would call and berate me for moving away and not coming home more often, etc. My mom was the only one that called. Ever. Then my oldest brother had done the same thing, moving away and they never called and so I called him and we slowly began to talk about our family and how effed up it was…I was so glad to reconnect with him. It has left me still, after all my family of origin has passed on, feeling very abandoned…I have a loving husband but I still feel alone. That kind of aloneness that makes me feel like I am outside the world - maybe invisible?

[@mishkamyx6456]

SAME…despite my best efforts, ultimately, they all stopped speaking to me. That level of rejection is tough and speaks volumes about our upbringing. I’ve seeked info for clarity in our situation, but as you’re probably aware, we’re rare. Virtual hug and understanding 😊

[@gigicolada]

You are amazing for this. It’s obvious you care about your work and about people ❤

[@sherylyvette]

Wow you nailed it for me 26 minutes in. I remember when I had that moment of realization "She will never change. She's never been what I wanted to needed and she's never loved or wanted me." and I finally walked away for good. 15 years ago.

[@selilatte]

14:35 this is so true. My dad was the monster. My mum the mon protective parent. My mum only left my dad after she latched onto me. She used guilt. I use to jump in the middle of them when dad was beating mum. Then....for the next 20 years, i became a father, put aside my dreams, and worked and paid for house and colleges for younger sisters, plus extravagant dresses etx. They never went without, never needed to worry about food and rent like i did. FF and they all hate me. Im only good if i keep providing. Entitled. Enmeshed. Currently in therapy for the non protecting parent. So true.

[@jenniferjarvis9440]

Thank you for doing this Patrick!

[@javadivawithdog]

I usually keep it pretty vague. "I'm not super close to my family". Vacationing with my family for 2 weeks truly seems like a nightmare scenario to me.

[@wallhagens2001]

Over three months, I crafted a 5 page letter to my parents that got NO RESPONSE. That’s when I went no contact. If you can’t hear me, I won’t keep talking. (I finally got a slap-dash response from my mother two years later that amounted to “Sorry about any oopsies. I don’t want to hear any more about this and you shouldn’t ask me to hear because I’m old.” But I no longer sell myself for crumbs. If you care so little for how you impacted me, I don’t care to give myself to you.)

[@MS-lk1cn]

Yes Patrick I'm experiencing the no reaction. It's painful ❤

[@ThePancakeJedi]

59:20 I'm putting this here as a reminder to myself for whenever I need to revisit this. (The 'ice cream' doesn't negate the abuse).

[@user-3L3C12cR]

The importance of inner child work stands out. Thank you.

[@ladulcemusica]

“We’re down there for two weeks, we love each other, it’s awesome!” 😫Low key, imma be smoking cigs at the coffee shop alone- Patrick stop watching us! Lol, V funny too even while giving excellent professional advice!

[@stephanie8843]

…”know they won't hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go” The song Matilda made me break down. It’s a grieving process that actually began when I was four.

[@kimk8365]

I finally have some silence. The nasty people that were in my life have been moved on so they could sail away to their own little island, this is family and friends. Oh toxic soup, you sit back and look at the mix of garbage, and when I was in it, I didn't really know how extreme the situation was. I knew it was bad to what degree I was surviving in. I am discovering many things that I want to do or take to take care of me.

[@ktwstar21]

Wow, 10:18-12:00... Literally my experience. Trapped in "but they're your family", and "but she's trying now". Have tried to talk to her for years about it, and she either becomes the victim or denies doing anything that i remember her doing. Omg, 13:00-14:00... 34:42 ...i cant believe these experiences arent just me. She left every night to take care of his kids and him, and gave more to her students than she's ever given to her own kids. I've never understood it, how she could abandon us like that.

[@Indigo00eyez]

I tried and tried with my narcissistic abusive father, not only was there no getting through, the abuse continued. He died in 2013 WOO F’ing HOO!!! I learned of even greater widespread abuse BUT I forgave him this year!!! Again WOO F’ing HOO!!!

[@Bearcub599]

Thank you so very much for all that you do tirelessly to help us all. Best wishes

[@craiglist483]

Thank you for the example of the inner child dominant/non dominant exercise.

[@user-3L3C12cR]

You nailed it…isolation, fear, disconnection…how to create connection would make Another great short? To help people like me.

[@jasont4847]

Thanks Patrick- the time passed surprisingly quickly!

[@LeiraHP]

JUST LIKE U SAID PATRICK: THERE IS NOT A LOT OF WIN SITUATIONS WITH THIS REAL PROBLEMATIC FAMILIES & I SAY: THERE IS ONLY LOOSING A LOT THGS. HOW NICH U LOOSE IS DEPENDENT ON THEM TOO, HOW BAD THEY WERE & HOW MUCH DO WELL TO PROTECT & HEAL YOURSELF

[@alexpaw3493]

That's a very insightful stream, thank you, Patric If you're still looking for topics to address potentially under this umbrella, could you talk about do's and don'ts of what would be a good response to another abuse survivor? And what would be appropriate boundaries for helping? I've mostly sorted out my own stuff where it doesn't bother me to much, but if someone close to me starts to struggle with their situation around family, I'm unsure how much I want/can help

[@lauracamellini7999]

I'm 6 months into no contact and I really struggle to connect with people, even when I help them, even old friends, they get very uncomfortable speaking with me... I'm starting to answer them "thank you I prefer to not stay with people that don't understand" when they apologize to me for not understanding...

[@amylink7199]

3:34 ❤ Definitely! For me personally, they have been like, “Peace Out!” But, they go around to everyone else, trying to glean information about me and “ThEy JuSt CaN’t UnDeRsTaNd WHY I wOn’T hAvE ANYTHING tO dO wItH THEM!”

[@richardlew5316]

Childhood trauma gave me schizoid personality disorder went no contact recently because family just disorder beyond repair

[@JuliaHamel22766]

Patrick, thank you for your valuable insights. I live very rural and these videos are really helpful.

[@LashayneHampton]

17:08 wow I needed this thank you ❤

[@user-3L3C12cR]

Please,Patrick, do some shorts about unpacking the unproductive parent.

[@user-3L3C12cR]

UnProtective parent

[@user-3L3C12cR]

I typed unprotective parent.

[@LPoppy2023]

thank you for the comebacks - it’s difficult to say something in response to those ridiculous and judgmental comments*

[@Will140f]

Lindsay Gibson!!! I’m looking forward to that SO MUCH

[@sck2984]

Was the member discount code ever mentioned? Could someone post what it is? Thank you.

[@a.k.ferrara]

I'm also looking for the discount code. Can anyone help out, please?

[@Diane_McDon]

Wow, thank you

[@tabithaekeberg6480]

I always had to ask them to take the Christmas tree out of the attic. Then, I always had to decorate it by myself or we wouldn't have any decorations.

[@smoozerish]

always tuning in

[@SigneStraarup]

This was very thorough and helpful! Thank you❤

[@janicebeauchamp61]

The communication was not much and only if they contacted me. What's new is I'm not responding to them. I have moved out a long time ago. Not much contact because when in their presence they tend to talk down to me and call names and start a drama and make problems within no problems. It's a big mind fuck!

[@Chemical1Objectivity]

Hi Patrick, The ad-sense on this video is way too high for the sensitivity needed for such a discussion. I counted at least 16 ads in this video. That two every ten minutes. It really harms the intake of the message and it mucks up your reputation. Don’t you make enough money through your client work and membership packages?