The Narcissistic Parent and Ownership - Role Play - 3 Ways

[@dayana1588]

My mom can NEVER admit or “remember” anything that was hurtful to me or impacted me as a child.

[@poppymontrose0507]

Fact!

[@m0thdm]

I'm sorry Dayana!!!

[@zackterry4198]

My mom is the same way. I've brought up with her about how when I was a kid she would tell me on numerous occasions that she wished I would have died when I was born and that she never wanted me and her response was that she couldn't remember it and that I needed to let it go. There's a term for it. It's called toxic amnesia.

[@zackterry4198]

@jonesyO You're welcome, it helped me to make sense of things when I learned there was a term for it too.

[@Luyco]

Same here, it’s extremely frustrating

[@deenasharise4009]

I will never know how it feels to have a mom that is emotionally supportive.

[@midnajanedoe]

Don't worry you arent alone but you will find your way its hard I know I have not told my mother yet although she knew what happened and I have brought it up so many times about my trauma if you just say it then let that set in to that parent for your own peace

[@danageller2952]

I hear you. The healthy mom conversation is so foreign, couldn't imagine having my mother validate and apologize like that. It hurts to know what we missed out on.

[@yourconnection9303]

It's unfortunate. You still have you though, who can be emotionally supportive and nurturing to you, along with surrounding yourself with healthy minded, caring people.💜

[@rachelstanger6079]

Me neither. I'm determined to be that emotionally supportive 'mum' (and dad in my case) for my younger sisters. They deserve and need better.

[@AmapollaOfficial]

You can , with Ideal Parent Figure Protocol , taken from the PhD Harvard Psuchology Professor Daniel P Brown´s book ´´ Attachment Disturbances In Adults ´´

[@susannes.8215]

When one of my friends was in her early twenties, her mother said to her "if there is anything you need to talk to me about growing up, I'm here to listen." It blew my mind, I couldn't imagine having a parent that actually wanted to know how I felt.

[@therealamybeard]

i had a coworker that shared a bank account with his mom. i was like WOW bc my mom stole from me so i don't share ANYTHING with her 😂

[@kimberlyceulemans6015]

My mother would say the same but from the moment we tried to seek for her help, she would scream to us she is busy. But a day ago she said 'You can come to me whenever, it doesn't matter how busy I am~' Well Ha. Jokes on me.

[@kimberlyceulemans6015]

@@therealamybeard damn same! I would've got money for my birthday of family, put it in a box in my room and his it in my desk and when I was a weekend with my dad (they divorced) I came back to the box on my desk and the money was gone-- She didn't even hid her stealing but I just let it pass bc I wouldn't get anything back and I couldn't really prove anything 😅

[@grassgeese3916]

i didnt know until just now. Wow... thank u, i guess? lololol

[@sheritaa3032]

Mind blowing, I know, right?

[@stormthrush37]

"So now you're saying I'm the worst mother ever!" Well that's far too familiar. No, I'm saying something bad happened that deserves discussion and resolution without descending into irrational catastrophizing and deflection.

[@leahflower9924]

It's to shut you down they have a monopoly on feeling bad to let you know you can't show them you feel bad

[@jedd1999]

Agreed.

[@daniellesrealm]

This happened to me last night!

[@kathymyers7279]

I love that you here are words for what happens to me and for what iv done to others when the truth is presented. Thankyou for that.

[@amarbyrd2520]

With your permission, I'd like to borrow that last phrase - because you obviously know it goes SRAIGHT to the irrational catastrophizing and deflection

[@tbd5082]

Don’t bother telling your narcissist parent anything that means anything to you. They don’t care and they will change the story - gaslighting!!

[@paulcooper5748]

Very true ive been through that with my parent you just go round in circles and dont get anywhere.👍

[@DetectiveHouse]

And if you make the mistake of crying in front of them while talking about something that bothers you, they’ll mock you the way Trump mocked that disabled reporter..

[@reilly6688]

My mother thinks it's a sign of weakness and whiny when I bring up my abusive childhood, at best she puts it all on my father or she tells me to get over it already. Funny enough she herself likes to complain about past things, even if it was some minor disrespect that happened years ago..

[@goodintentions1302]

@@DetectiveHouseIf you are able to watch more than Main stream media shows, you will know that he didn't actually mock the reporter. I was fooled, like you, for a long time.

[@DetectiveHouse]

@@goodintentions1302 I don’t watch MSM at all

[@Vid7872]

I'm impressed the narc mom didn't say she was busy to listen to nonsense and then get up to do something more important like take out the trash. The problem is that the moment most narcs sense emotion, they get up and leave. Emotion to a narc is like holy water on a demon.

[@melaniegonzalezart8506]

I was telling my mom's friend my goal for some particular question and my mother right away got up and started making noise in the kitchen or doing busy work. Every single time she "over hears" me doing any positive thing. I hear you.

[@debbiekaren7058]

“Emotion to a narc is like holy water to a demon.” That’s a keeper. It’s either like that, or it’s like blood to a vampire..... Your positive emotion to a narc is like holy water to a demon. They can’t stand someone being happy when they can’t do anything about how miserable they are with themselves. Your negative emotion to a narc is like blood to a vampire. They drink it up. Your misery is their narcissistic supply. It feeds their ego to feel powerful enough to impact you and get a rise out of you, and it feeds their ego to know that someone else is visibly miserable, so “I’m better off than them” because I can pretend that my life is happy.

[@donnebonne]

Not all of them. Mine goads me Til I react then turns it all around and makes me The bag guy. It is beginning to appear to me that we each attract different ones to ourselves depending on our wounds. I'm learning. More and more how powerful grey rock is. I by no means have perfected it, but when I REALLY focus on staying there, I'm learning that, because this is a spiritual emotional thing, no emotion means there's nothing for them to attach to.

[@janan5570]

Exactly what I said my mom would do.

[@loneghostkitten]

OR: ammo for her arsenal.

[@tbd5082]

An unsafe parent doesn’t become safe because you want them to be. Ever.

[@jenaya_laila2442]

Good to hear! I fall for this cycle for years...I keep breaking contact and then rekindling it hoping age has changed her..And at first its better and then it slowing morphs back to what is always was and I am crippled, down and full of guilt after EVERY conversation...It's so hard to loose this childish love for your parents and hope that they will FINALLY be able to love you...

[@dadsarepeopletoo3785]

Correct. You might as well talk to a sack of hair

[@mixedviews3536]

@@jenaya_laila2442 once you learn to love and trust yourself, leaving behind things that don’t suit you gets easier. Good luck!

[@kimberlyceulemans6015]

@@jenaya_laila2442 i have been thinking about breaking contact with my mother as well, but I am just too scared for the consequences... My aunt sometimes helps my mother out and she was mad at me for moving to my dad already... What would it be when I break full contact with my mother? As well- I don't know if I have the right to break contact bc 'was it that bad? I always had food and a bed to sleep in so, i got taken care of...' but then convos with my sister and dad and other people would be eye-opening and I would be like 'Yeh- imma do it' and then I lose confidence and am right back at the bottom and don't know what to do....

[@samaeyonnaise]

My Biggest mistake ever

[@Cowface]

Listening to the “healthy mom” made me wanna cry. Such validation, selflessness, and compassion.

[@rdw2457]

❤️

[@alayna9207]

Wow ... even the “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible mother” line I’m triggered lol

[@LaGrossePaulik]

My mother regularly says that, but I don't really feel she is sorry, it's more like a defense, she turns herself into the victim. Hope you're okay 💪 and by the way Alayna is a really lovely name!

[@silverliningsoap]

My mom is infallible. Not sure whats worse.

[@bananabread6148]

@@lindsaycooke361 seems like it could be used as a tool to use as a guilt trip.

[@LaGrossePaulik]

@@silverliningsoap mine too, yet she sometimes says 'oh I'm the worst mother ever, right?' but in a 'ironic' tone, provocative. She becomes the victim. In the case she says she's infallible she puts the blame to you, because if sometimes went wrong then yet it's your 'fault' (indeed it's not). It's complicated 😕 but let's be strong and information like this video is very helpful to understand better 💪 I wish you good luck 👋

[@LaGrossePaulik]

@@silverliningsoap by the way pardon my remark but wow, you do craft beautiful soaps on your channel! 😮

[@Tamarind525]

“I’m calling the therapist to explain my side of the story” - classic

[@SjofnBM1989]

The therapist 😳

[@Queen_EL11]

😭

[@danielconnor8516]

The therapist: 👁👄👁?

[@magicwandm]

Yeah their need to seem like a better person or whatever image they wanna keep, disgusting narcissistic

[@youngcharlatan1211]

it actually happened to me and the therapist told me about that! my mum didn’t even bother to tell me she went to talk to her and at least apologize (although her behaviour was extremely inappropriate)

[@dewilew2137]

Jesus!! They NEVER remember the situations they were complicit in. Every time you do these and I see the part with the healthy parent, I burst into tears. I can’t imagine how wonderful it would feel to have a parent that took responsibility for their own shit. I never realized how much that affected me until I hear an example of what healthy communication with a parent should sound like.

[@kimberlyceulemans6015]

Omg same!!! I hope you can find peace one day! 💛💛

[@dewilew2137]

@@kimberlyceulemans6015 likewise ♥️♥️♥️

[@barigray127]

And they “remember” good situations that weren’t.

[@taom9004]

I didn't understand until I was a mother myself. Then I looked back with horror at many of the things my parents did to me. To some small extent, you can win by not passing on the toxicity to the next generation. I became a teacher and raised two sons and every day I dig deep and try to come from the right place with every interaction. Sorry for the cliche, but I try [and fail and try again] to be the change I want to see in the world. I'm exhausted and still have anxiety attacks all the time, tho!!! But I've learned to live with them, to say, 'Oh, hello. Here you are again." RAIN: Recognize, Acknowledge, Investigate, and Nurture. Baby steps.

[@millionairemom]

Hello. You know now. Be strong. You are the empowered daughter

[@breekennedy3945]

It’s honestly more difficult listening to the healthy mother because I know I’ll never have a conversation like that.

[@xmikachirifu]

for real...like when i heard the healthy mother conversation i wondered "do people actually talk like this in real life with their kids??" i'm shook at how unhealthy my upbringing was and how 'natural' the narcissistic one sounded to me. really grateful to dr. teahan for these

[@tessahliaa]

I’m in tears listening to the healthy mother conversation… always wanted to hear that from my mother knowing that I never will :(

[@janicecass2713]

Im dreading seeing the healthy mum one.

[@beinsage]

💯

[@merrymary501]

That felt heavy in my heart to hear that but...keep focusing on the Empowered Daughter...it’s for YOU even if your mom never “hears” it...being Empowered is a Win (for you AND everyone around you) regardless. Know that your REAL value cannot be quantified...and when you find that for your self, you’ll know why it’s ok for your mom to be the way she is-and you can Love her as you Love your own self (without the sadness).

[@Rue4You2]

Half the time I get narcissist mom, half the time I get healthy mom. It's a fun little surprise everytime!

[@galaxy_rae]

facts

[@Rubythereaper]

I’m glad someone else shares this too! Sometimes she says something surprisingly affirming or kind, other times not so much and sometimes both in the same conversation!

[@amberinthemist7912]

Look into bpd

[@fabuloussloth8670]

Same

[@zen.vibes8]

Yes same, 98% narcissistic, but then will have a random good day where she’s asking me questions and actually listening. I think that’s what made me think I could help her and she could change. I’ve finally given up hope though.

[@donnathedead7554]

I get chills watching how well this guy plays my mother.

[@kimberlyceulemans6015]

It's creepy. I was like 'Wait- how- we don't even live in the same county'

[@itsgabgg6781]

Seriously...uncanny.

[@kristieroybal4888]

Chills and creepy were exactly what I was thinking while watching this. Mr. Teahan is extremely good at what he does. And the phrase he says at the end of his videos feels like the safe warm hug that I constantly so desperately need.

[@kimfoster2148]

Same here!!

[@vivianc.c.3379]

Sameee

[@reilly6688]

The instant denial and dismissal is so typical. It's like they're not capable of self-reflection.

[@amandajs971]

Absolutely not and if they act that they are, that is all it is-an ACT.💔

[@MsJeanneMarie]

Yeah, I’d say it’s not LIKE they’re not capable, they AREN’T capable of self-reflection. Narcissists are often drowning in so much pain, they create this inflated sense of self and an unrealistic view of the world. Self-reflection would mean they might have to look honestly at their actions and they’re too fragile to do that.

[@Shortstacksandticktacks]

@@MsJeanneMarie Are they really that fragile and in that much pain, or they just don't feel like it?

[@MsJeanneMarie]

@@Shortstacksandticktacks Yes, they are really that fragile and in that much pain.

[@Happytrails24]

They aren't. That's the point.

[@realhealing7802]

Trying to explain reality to a narcissist is a waste of time. It's like you can't penetrate their fake world. I always have felt like I was alone in my family. I was never understood and I felt like they treated me as if I didn't matter. Your role playing example is the story of my life. Thank you!

[@hisgraceislove11]

I felt the same as you in my family, I went no contact and I found my voice. I am seen now and know what true happiness feels like. I am free ❤️☮️✨

[@gertrudewest4535]

Another hug from big, fluffy chicken

[@ladyb3796]

Well said, forget penetrating their fake world.

[@amandaaustreng4676]

Same. I always felt like I was alone and never safe with my family. Let’s keep finding our voice and ourselves ❤️

[@realhealing7802]

@@amandaaustreng4676 Yes indeed!💟

[@thekawaiicripple]

“I hope you weren’t talking about me” Made my stomach and heart sink remembering the moment my mom said the same thing. I schedule my virtual appointments solely when I know she won’t be in the house because of this. And “according to you I’m the worst mother in the world” and “you had it better than I did” the trigger is too real lol

[@Ouchimoo]

Oh mine told my brother she was a great mother. Literally after my brother threatened to cut contact with her. Also it was also after he pointed out to her that I have been low contact with her for years but she never even caught on. But yeah, great mother. According to her.

[@AugustAdvice]

Just had a conversation with my mom like this today, after she reached out to me after a year of not speaking. It blew my mind that she went right into blame shifting and zero empathy for me. Why am I shocked every time? It just reminds me why we dont have a relationship. I blocked her. It will never change. Ive done my mourning.

[@jessicamusicslife465]

I feel you... it’s frustrating when she contacted you again and the 1st she says is what? Blaming you. And honestly, some tiny bit hope in me was like okay I will give her one more chance. And ya know what? Ya right. “Why are we even shocked anymore” no contact.

[@hisgraceislove11]

Bravo!! you are free of her now❤️❤️❤️

[@marissaw1586]

This comment resonated with me! You’re so right on - why I am I shocked every time? That’s exactly how I feel after giving her yet another chance. But this time, I’m committed to being done. Mourning is right. Best wishes in your healing journey.

[@AugustAdvice]

@@marissaw1586 I always said "I'll just give her another chance." but then I realized thats what victims of domestic abuse say too. Also, its not really a second chance if they cant recognize any wrong doing in the first place. I remember one time I even said to my mom I was willing to give her another chance to be in my life, and she said "I dont need you to give me another chance." They really dont care.

[@marissaw1586]

@@AugustAdvice This was the third chance I’ve given her after she asked ME for a relationship (hoovered me) then hurt me again, takes no responsibility and invalidates me for being upset in the first place. No big deal to her but This was a big hurt for me! And there have just been too many. I am done for good now. Have to stay strong 💪

[@Serioslump]

Give this man an Oscar

[@annaeverette8960]

Seriously!!

[@snicksabea]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@jeremyorr]

"You're scaring me" vs "I'm worried about you" they can mean different things.

[@bw2442]

Hearing the healthy mother made me want to cry, I've never had that kind of affirmation. It's like a foreign language.

[@kaworunagisa4009]

The healthy conversation almost made me cry. Apparently, I'm still grieving the family relationships I've never had. Oh, well.

[@jstbhippy]

Sammee

[@PassaFloraElle]

Hearing a healthy mother speaking to their child feels like I'm watching a happy movie! Such beautiful insight. Thank you for these comparisons.

[@anwensu4381]

I know right! I almost got choked up because I knew it would never be the case for me.

[@kimberlyceulemans6015]

@@anwensu4381 same.... I'm so sorry to hear that you guys went through the shit I went through too bc it is f*cked up-

[@jaylunaguitar]

Exactly

[@quintxavier]

It’s not so much about making them understand as it is about allowing your inner child to finally have a voice. I sent a firm text message to my narcissistic father, knowing that he would gas light and make the entire conversation about him, his needs, and his victimization. I got it all out. He read every word. He tried to respond but I didn’t feel the need to engage or continue. Finally getting all of these feelings out and explaining how my present day problems were a result of his abuse cured me of a lot of pain I was holding on to.

[@annapuczyowska8772]

You are very much right, i did the same , expecting bad and worst is whatcame back 😂 but i took a risk for myself and gave myself a voice and no onecan take that away from me

[@jessicajames3479]

So glad I saw this comment!! I'm tooing and froeing about just confronting my NM. I have so much anger towards her as her behavior towards me and my sister is so gaslighting and it infuriates me that she criticises us constantly with total lack of insight into her own behavior. In the past when I have bought up issues, it gets turned around to how she was affected. I don't expect her to take any accountability but really feel like I need to stick up for myself. I've just recently been diagnosed with CPTSD, which has been a revelation to me and has bought up so much pain for me realizing that I have an actual brain injury and my struggles with what seem to be basic things for other people are due to this. Not because I'm "lazy, fragile, don't try hard enough etc" and all the instances that are popping up in my memory of what was the behavior of an obviously very damaged child that were ignored or punished. My concern is that she will become more toxic towards my sister who I have a close relationship to. I hate that what I feel I need to do to heal will affect my poor dear sister, who also suffered and isn't really at the same point in her journey.

[@brandyk]

​@@jessicajames3479 yes that is a tough one but hopefully your sister will understand where you're at in yours n neither is wrong or right. Your relationship with your sister is the healthier relationship n one that you actually will have far longer than the one you will have with your mother as she is 20-30 yrs older than you. You mom could be passed when you are 50 n your sister n you like still here. It will be nice to have someone who gets it when she does pass as no matter what the relationship you will be very affected by it. That said you n they sister have to allow each other to make your own choices

[@jessicajames3479]

@@brandyk 👍 the comment you've replied to was from 7months ago!! It was really cool, your replying made me read my comment and it's just given me a great boost to see how far I've come 😁. I also got a diagnosis of BPD 3months ago. Ive found how to help my sister without making her "choose" between me or the mothership. I made the decision a while ago not to confront her. It's not safe at this point. Motherships life is in a spiral ATM, of her own doing, she recently returned from a 2month overseas holiday with her husband (not my father) and HE came to see me, hands shaking about how she ruined the holiday with her terrible behaviour. I'd warned him before they left what would happen. Her behaviour is so predictable 🙄 I hope she does go when I'm 50, that's only 9more years to have to manage with her 🤣🤣

[@penelopepitstop1707]

All of my adult relationships were based on my narcissistic mother. Every single one was my mother in another persons body. Thankfully, a brilliant therapist(much like you!) guided me to realisation and healing. I am now happy to say that I no longer date my mother.

[@ameerahgatlin9174]

This is my story! Took me a few years to figure out.

[@kimberlyceulemans6015]

I for a second got so confused as to why you would ever want to date your mother 🤣 English isn't my 1st language but I can understand that it is extremely relieving to be finally free from the abuse! I am super happy to hear that you are doing well!

[@TCMedicare101]

Yes, my first husband had my mom's traits, too. I tried dating after divorce for about 5 years. None were right. I finally took a break from dating because it was so disappointing and somewhere in there, I realized that I had too much healing to do before I could date again. It took me years to sort it all out, to comprehend what my triggers were and why I attracted that type of person to me. Now happily married to a wonderful man.

[@awildclinton]

@@TCMedicare101 Im going through your same situation right now. I tried dating after my divorce as well but like you said it just doesn’t feel right at all. Now i realize a lot of my past friends and relationships had similar traits to my parent’s and it was like the turning the page to the big reveal in a book. Cried for days 😔 i appreciate you being brave enough to post your story, it really helped me get some clarity on my journey. Thank you and congratulations on the marriage that is bringing you joy

[@TCMedicare101]

@@awildclinton They always say that you marry what you're familiar with, and that was true in my case in my first marriage. I thought I was done with my self-work when I started dating again and met my now husband, but I wasn't. As we grew close, it revealed hidden scars that hadn't been exposed during my healing time. This time around I recognized my triggers, and while it was hard for him when we'd run into one, he allowed my request to sleep on it (he was more apt to want to talk it out then and there). That pause would allow me to 1) rest and regroup, as I find that to be mentally exhausting. 2) logically look at the root of the issue, with emotions set aside, which often has nothing to do with the topic that caused me to feel distressed or defensive. That was new for him, but he's ended up liking that method for himself too. I think the biggest triumph for my journey was, and is, to not go to a victim mentality. I look at it more as: I experienced this as a child. It sucked but I recognize how it formed my personality traits, both good and bad. It made me who I am. We, collectively as humans, whether having experienced bad parenting or not, launch into our adult lives somewhat unprepared for the big world. Those that had great, emotionally healthy parents have a huge leg up on those of us that had the opposite, but, it doesn't mean we're stuck in that stunted place. It's a matter of whether we want to do the hard work, recognize that this is holding us back in enjoying healthy relationships, and having access to a person like you that provides plausible, effective real life examples that can get us from point A to point B. Am I done with my work? Nope, but I'm a lifelong learner, both in an academic sense, and in a human relationship sense. The joy of discovery is deeply ingrained in me. I'm an engineer - gotta figure out how things work, including how my mind works, LOL. This is why I like and appreciate you and your channel. You've given me many 'AHA' moments in your posts, and I just found you a week ago. Thank you for what you do for all of your followers. I think you're helping an immense number of people. The world needs more people like you.

[@dAuriaVlogs]

Wow. wow. wow. I honestly have had these exact conversations with my mother. I feel proud of myself from getting from the confused/angry/sad reaction to her behavior to my so-to-speak "glow-up" to the empowered daughter. I still often get pangs of guilt for being the "bad daughter", for calmly stating and upholding my boundaries, for feeling like I'm being "too harsh", etc. For anyone in my same shoes - keep true to your true north. Listen to that gut feeling. Trauma runs deep. For me, I get a real wake-up call from literal gut feelings when the emotional stress causes IBS flare-ups.

[@melaniegonzalezart8506]

I feel this comment. Go you.

[@seekingthemiddleway4048]

Here is how the role play would go with my ex-mother : "I'm seeing a therapist" "At last, you were always a difficult child" - "Andrew's amazing" "He is, I'm amazed he puts up with you" - "I do talk about you" "Bloody cheek! You've always been self-obsessed. Do not talk about me behind my back, how dare you!" - "We talk about how abusive Dennis was to me and Kelly" "You don't know the half of it. You were lucky, do you know how he treated ME?" - "Do you remember him screaming at us?" "Here we go, bringing up the past again. Can't you get over it for once? You don't know you're born. Life's hard and the sooner you realise it the better" - "I was worried about how Dennis treated you and how he treated us." - "Just wait till you have your own children. God help them that's all I can say. You do need therapy, that's for sure. I think you're mentally ill. Maybe your therapist and I can work on you together." (she actually did say that and I hadn't even mentioned therapy).

[@Treezp1]

This sounds familiar 😟😢😭😡 Hope you're doing ok 💗 Love T

[@barbaragremaud3499]

My mom would say, "It's going to take someone really special to marry you." She also let me know how much she liked my boyfriend who was perpetually cheating on me. Would say, "Nobody's perfect" if I complained about my husband. I remember clearly how my brother and I complained about our awful 6th-grade math teacher but she wouldn't hear it. It makes me wonder if any action would have been taken had I been sexually abused and went to her. Thank God I never had to deal with that. Holy moly, the stories could go on and on.

[@jennytaylor3324]

"Difficult" is the worst. It's a great cover-all when they want you to take all the blame.

[@Treezp1]

@@barbaragremaud3499 In the 'family' in question, the sexual & other abuse is generational so no, no effective action was taken. Even though my mother had earlier told me specifically that she wanted us "to be able to talk about anything". I'm happy that you didn't have to go through that on top of everything else! Hope you're doing ok too! 💗 Love T

[@seekingthemiddleway4048]

@@barbaragremaud3499 Oh yes, if anyone was abusive towards us, it was something we were doing wrong. Once I complained about a creepy teacher and I heard my narc parents talking late at night at how the teachers were now turning against me and what I problem I was becoming. The teacher was later imprisoned as a pedophile.

[@BellaxStrega]

Yes, I spent so much time as a child trying to convince my mother to be a mother. I'm just now connecting this to me trying to explain how to be a decent partner to narcissistic men in adulthood. Wow.

[@triciascheuneman7462]

Trying to convince my mother to be a mother…wow yes exactly

[@2degucitas]

I bet you just expect to nudge and explain to everyone how to be decent.

[@lizgen4278]

Oh my goodness!!! 🤯 This is exactly it!!! Thanks for this realisation. Damn as soon as I feel the need to explain how to be treated. I'm getting out from now on

[@lifeasanexperiment]

Thank you for this relatable comment. Ive already heard CPTSD and CEN condition you to "crap-fit" (adapt) to bad relationships instead of cutting it off. But hearing it this way (your comment) helped me make more specific connections.

[@hisgraceislove11]

This sounds like my mother. The best thing to do is work on your own healing. Approaching a true narc about your trauma is just going to traumatize you all over again. Plus they will use your vulnerability against you. They won't ever change. Don't waste your precious life trying to change a narc. Move on and don't look back.❤️☮️✨

[@elysiansoapshop]

My narcissistic mother’s favorite phrase is “oh I don’t know” I finally figured out what she’s really saying is “I don’t care.”

[@carolea7158]

When the daughter's saying it's nothing medical, I get the point, but my goodness it's everything medical. It shows in every system in your body.

[@al.the.]

Yes! that much cortisol throughout our lives can not end up in undisturbed wellbeing scenarios. I'm chronically ill (pains/fatigue), and not even sure why. First round of specialists ~6 years ago didn't find anything that will explain all symptoms (some things off, without clear cause) and I was getting ready to give it another try when pandemic hit. Good that you brought that up, people keep forgetting...

[@Ouchimoo]

I told mine I was dealing with the early stages of kidney failure and she just made some snide remark about it. Then a few weeks later was like "How come you never tell me what's going on in your life?" Like seriously? More weeks later, at a family reunion, my grandma was mentioning how awful it was for so and so to have epilepsy and that seizures are the absolute worst. My mother showing off waterworks about how awful that must be! Me: Wow. Not like anyone else you know who suffers from epilepsy and you also never showed a gd hint of emotion about it. Me. That other person is me.

[@DarylAnnDeRoche]

The first one is definitely my mother, with the gaslighting and projection! I knew from the time I was about 9 years old that I couldn't feel safe or trust her with my vulnerability :(

[@sarahritt.creates]

I got burned trying to get through to my narcissistic mother about something big and upsetting--it was traumatic but also hugely informative. It allowed me to see after the fact that something was indeed, really wrong, prompting me to read about toxic mothers, then learn about narcissism and finally understand that she IS narcissistic. I've been no contact with her for just three and a half months, firing my therapist in the process (more gaslighting and denial there). I'm about to get a new therapist and I want to be hopeful. Thank you for all that you do and all the wonderful content that you put on here--it's been life changing.

[@Hmy87]

I had the same journey.. it was a shock for me to realise that she is a narcissist and was using me for her own benefit through manipulation, guilt tripping, and other tactics narcissists use to keep control over their children or partners .. Wish you peace and happiness ❤️🙏🏼

[@sarahritt.creates]

@@Hmy87 I wish the same for you. I feel that our clarity is a really powerful catalyst for better quality of life, moving towards healing and wholeness.

[@Hmy87]

@@sarahritt.creates Thank you 🙏🏼 ❤️ .. I feel the same way .. I wish better future for both of us and everyone who’s been in this place ..

[@LaGrossePaulik]

I wish you the best, Sarah, and hope you'll find a fine therapist! It may take some trials, but you'll surely find 😊👍 you're on the good path! 👋

[@Nanneke9]

So glad you realized the truth! You come across as really smart, you're gonna be an amazing warrior of light, now that you are aware!! ✊🏼❤️

[@fmartin3046]

This hits home. My ex- mother in law the narcissist. She actually asked to talk to my personal therapist because she was upset my therapist was only getting my side of the story. Therapist told me it was the first time in her 30 year practice this happened. She then fired me because she said if I couldn’t help myself by moving on from this unhealthy family she couldn’t help me. My advice: listen to your therapist & kick the narcissist to the curb.

[@MegaMommaUlman]

Oh my gosh! Sound sadly like your therapist had issues too!!! Honestly that is crazy your parent did that but wow your therapist should have helped you! Who know what could have happened... some people! I am sorry you went thru that!

[@Juststudiothings]

@@MegaMommaUlman therapists are not magicians. They can help you help yourself but if you're not doing the work it's unethical for a therapist to keep taking your money with no progress.

[@MegaMommaUlman]

@@Juststudiothings I get it but she may have just needed some support and a little more time. Plua that isn't what she said read her post....

[@breesevere]

The things the narc mother says to gaslight are SPOT on. I have heard so many of those things from my own mother. "Just wait until you have kids", "You're fine" You had it better than I had" I also appreciate how she comes off as "kind" and her tone is pretty gentle. The word Narcissist took me so long to apply to her because I always thought of the other, louder type.

[@teresahollar3646]

This narcissistic mother conversation is almost word for word the things my mother would say to me when I tried to talk about my feelings with her. The only things that were left out was deflecting things onto her "horrible" childhood (bc grandmother never gave her any hugs?), and some new age woo about "how everyone chooses how they respond and feel about things" so if was choosing to feel this way, that was my problem not hers. I have accepted that I will never be seen or heard by her. It's a hard pill to swallow. I have finally stopped re-traumatizing myself by not having these "going nowhere" conversations.

[@shosho4050]

I remember the moment I realized with full confidence that my mother was narcissistic and would never ever take accountability for her actions. My mom moved back to our home state, but a different town six hours away. I moved in to help her with bills, plus I had always wanted to live in this town(I know realized she moved there to get me to move in with her). She then would make trips SIX HOURS to our home town ONE WAY. I thought it was weird, but she has lots of friends there so I thought nothing of it. Fast forward 6 months, I was doing some trauma healing and made the horrible decision to unblock my abuser on FB so that I could see what they look like now, and if he was near any children as he is not allowed to be as a sec offender. I know. Stupid. But imagine my disgusted shock, when I saw his profile picture, and my mother was in it. Arms around him. Smiling. Happier than I had ever seen her in a long time. Note: He is her brother. I was furious. When she came home, I showed my phone to her with the photo. She asked “How did you get that?” I proceeded to ask her what possessed her to go and be buddy buddy with a child predator, to go and hold the man that caused lasting and horrible trauma on your child? She was in the court room. She heard what he did to me. She was there and watched me fall apart, and nearly I alive myself for 7 years before I told my story, and to this day sees me struggles. Her answer? “I miss my family. You don’t know what that feels like.” She then shut me out, as punishment. I moved out and told her my move out date. To spite me, she moved out before me, and made me pay for the last months rent, and any additional damages that the apartment had. She then held my car as collateral as she had made ONE payment on it at the start of COVID. And to this day, she makes me feel like our relationship problems are because of me. Constantly gaslighting me with my own trauma and saying because I can’t “let it go and forgive” I am a sad sick person. I have minimal contact with her now. Barely talking so I can send my sister whom is still a minor under her care gifts, and I talk to her often. I told her if she is ever in contact with our “Uncle” to call 911 and get away, and told her what he did to me. Something I never wanted to do because I wanted to shield her from that horror story. She then said they have weekly dinners, and he makes her feel uncomfortable. I nearly died hearing this, but she didn’t hesitate and reported him with my assistance. My mother is upset at me for doing this. But I had to protect her. No one did that for me, and clearly no one else was going to.

[@TrudyPatootie]

Shosho... (HUGS) tragic story. I am so sorry this has happened to you. You are a survivor and a warrior protecting you sister. You are my hero. " Everything will be OK in the end. If it's NOT OK it is not the end!" Love and light to you honey.

[@brennahasselmann8075]

I am enraged for you while reading this

[@TrudyPatootie]

@@brennahasselmann8075 absolutely enraged also. errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

[@Coco_xoxo]

I am so angry at your mother. That was such a noble thing you did in protecting your sister. It’s ashamed your mother couldn’t put you or your sister first in that way ❤

[@whudang]

I‘m so sorry 😢. Thank you for sharing your story. I send you all the best wishes!

[@DianeCarroll111]

Thank you for illustrating the narcissistic interaction. It really is hard to spot, if this type of interaction is the norm for a person.

[@Catherine_Kate]

@@Hmy87 Exactly. I ended up with an abusive boss for the same reason.

[@julialewis6433]

“You’ll understand when you have a daughter” was my whole life. I have a twin brother and we couldn’t of been treated more differenty

[@biancasadventure]

I feel this. My brother was the golden child

[@SK-sc5pu]

Wow. I remember crying telling my Dad I was going to start therapy and him getting angry right away and saying “Well it’s not my fault right?” That was one of the first things the nmom said in the role play. Thank you so much for this video.

[@carolinebrunskill5735]

My mother just hung up the phone and told me never to call again. That’s what happened when I was brave enough to question her. I’m in my 50’s and in another country....

[@Vanessa-fs7oz]

It's really interesting watching this because both the unhealthy and the healthy role play remind me of my mom. My mom kinda straddles the line between denial and accountability. She knows she made mistakes and sometimes she'll listen to us and apologize, and I can tell it is painful for her to confront that guilt, but she doesn't try to erase it. She sometimes comes up with "excuses" but I think she knows they're just excuses, because her mom and dad did much of the same and she knows it's a pattern she repeated in some ways. My mom and older sister both have borderline personality disorder, which I don't believe is the same as narcissist but, I feel like I read somewhere that they are in the same category of mental illness or disorders. Either way, she has made huge strides, though it's important to remember that sometimes people can admit when they have a disorder, but they can also start to use that disorder as an excuse for the behavior. It's important not to allow excuses to erase responsibility. Her disorder may be the reason for her actions and behaviors, but it doesn't heal the harm done. I'm grateful that my mom is much more relaxed and open to listening in her older age.

[@MadameDesu]

That first one totally sounds like my mom and it’s why I don’t even bother talking through this stuff anymore. It’s too emotionally draining and just gives her more opportunities to hurt me

[@idunablack2592]

"I don't remember that ever happened" damn. That hit. I dont feel like most of the narcissistic mother rroleplays relate to mine, but this one... This relates. I feel that. Thank you

[@brandyk]

Idunablack2592 yes they really do have selective amnesia. Not only that they will try to pathologize you for remembering. Now if you remembered the name of a character from an old TV show or movie that would perfectly fine but if you remember even a few of the hurtful n mean things they said n did, well then you are if course sick because you hold on to things. Lol

[@idunablack2592]

@@brandyk yes exactly :) actually going through this recently again. Hope you are doing well.

[@gaiaattolini9904]

I swear I want to skip the healthy mom part so bad, cause I keep thinking that I will never have that kind of support and it sucks. I went to therapy myself and she never even asked the reason why I went, even though she paid for it... Despite all of this, I really find these role plays super useful! Understanding her mind games is freeing! Thank you so much!

[@axebox]

It's really hard listening to the narc mother. So much of it is what she's told me over the years, with the same words, deflections, tone, gaslighting, projection and lack of accountability.

[@GeorgideMarne]

The level of my pathological narc mother understanding is limited at the level right before the "are you alright" question. Never happened, not even at 4 yo. She couldn't give a shit. She would just start talking about herself in 3 seconds straight. Zero empathy.

[@barbaragremaud3499]

He really does a good job with these role plays.

[@jessicamusicslife465]

Same

[@QCDoggies]

It's so familiar, it's eerie isn't it? Same here.

[@marissadigirolamo4402]

Exactly. Your comment is spot on. The “healthy” mother makes me tear up.

[@elizabethchurchill2933]

This is SO real. Years ago my children and I survived a major earthquake and the chaos following it. There were fires burning in our neighborhood, buildings and highways destroyed, and a number of friends and neighbors were missing. When my mother finally called she was panicked and crying, but what she said was, "Why did you have to move all the way out there and make ME go through all this worry?" Not "What's it like?" or "Was it scary?" or "Have you heard from your friends yet?" It was always all about her, and I knew then that it always would be. (What happened to your yellow pillows? I like to imagine if I was your client I would curl up in the corner of the couch and build a big safe pillow fort. :-)

[@16tangerines]

Wow. That is unfortunately relatable. As a teenager I attempted suicide, and when my mom got to me the first thing she said was "How could you do this to me?"

[@jessicamusicslife465]

@@16tangerines same 😭

[@vampirewilde]

@@jessicamusicslife465 First thing my mum said was, we've been through so much together

[@anniegoodridge7941]

when you said "I don't remember that, and I'm not sure any of that happened" I burst out crying. I remember first confronting my mom about the emotional abuse and neglect at dinner and she said that over and over and over.

[@GeorgideMarne]

I have a question about the "empowered daughter example". When I put a mirror in front of her pathological behaviour the level of verbal abuse and manipulation just got amped up to a very dangerous level. Plus, if other people are witnessing this kind of discussion, the daughter is qualified as "the difficult and defiant one" in 90% of cases, by other people, friends, family. Especially if the daughter is still very young, like I was. Friends and extended family considered me just as combative as she was, which was not the case, I was only defending myself. They didn't get it. I chose to ignore the narc as much as possible and to cut ties,.but the double bind of people around us not getting it remains.

[@Webbgurl2000]

The Flying Monkeys

[@jessicamusicslife465]

Yeah sadly many people don’t get it, even people growing up in healthy families. They just couldn’t understand how abusive parents can be. But there are many survivors being awakened that get it, and you will eventually come to a place of being so firm and trusting of your own reality that you don’t need those people who don’t get it to understand.

[@jessmci2742]

Th Narc mom can play the victim well... my mother could anyway. Glennon Doyle in Untamed the chapter titled Island , was very helpful on my healing journey. Best regards Cheetahs ✌❤

[@la6136]

Yeah with narcs like that you can't confront them it really isn't a smart idea. It is better it just ignore them and don't give them any narc supply or ammo

[@Beanz931]

I feel you. Part of my family does not talk to me because my narc mon told them I’m just angry all the time. The ones who have reached out to me are shocked. I still have the papers for when my mom charged me $567/mo in rent when I was 16. Just to prove to myself it did happen.

[@flowerfleur8105]

Hearing the healthy mother made me cry because I never had a mother like that, who would at least have accountability and remorse for how damaging her actions were.

[@Mzbonezz]

OH MY GOSH - THIS IS SPOT ON for NPD mothers. WOW. When I was going through therapy and still in contact with my mother, she reacted identical to this. She demanded to talk to my therapist to share her side. When she refused to accept the boundaries I was learning to put down, she would leave voicemails how "I guess I am just the worst mother in the world, I should slit my wrists if my daughter doesn't even answer the phone anymore." All about her, poor her. Sigh. No contact is the best contact.

[@jessicamusicslife465]

Yeah.... it’s funny how vulnerable they became the moment you start to stay boundaries. But became very abusive once you discard your boundaries.

[@annaeverette8960]

Amen.

[@soulwired]

Empowered daughter here...I realized it's more damaging to try and talk to my mother about things. I really like how you do the different role plays...clearly demonstrates things. ❤

[@TylinaVespart]

Oh. "See how you like it" "They only hear one side of the story you know" Reasons I haven't tried to talk to my Mum like that in a very long time.

[@sunshinem.7741]

I'm upset at how accurate the unhealthy mom discussion is. She makes it about herself, how everything's fine/it's not her fault/you somehow traumatized yourself, random tangents, and it's circular conversation that goes nowhere. I nearly cried when I heard the second "mom" said she's sorry.. These scenarios are so well done, he's such a good actor.

[@MissSarahGM]

It would be interesting to talk about our own codependency and or our narcissistic qualities that we have inherited from being shaped in such dysfunctional environments. I admit I have been controlling and aggressive, trying to prove my point to my narcissistic parents. I want to do the inner work so that I won't be as toxic in relationships. I don't think it is my true nature though.

[@MissSarahGM]

@SomethingReallyStrange what you describes sounds like insecure attachment and fear of intimacy. The notion of "perfect" and what you think you "should" feel, may be related to your family system and not what you feel. As if you are not connected to your true feelings and so the relationship feels artificial? There's the "image" and what "should", and not really loving an imperfect person, just as you accept yourself as flawed but lovable. Or maybe a way to keep you safe and at arms length from your partner.

[@MissSarahGM]

​@SomethingReallyStrange Are these dismissive avoidant behaviors what you perceived as narcissistic and feel guilty about? Everybody has an attachment style according to the theory, those who don't have the secure one (and can form healthy relationships and trust easily), all fall into the "insecure" ones (avoidant / anxious / disorganized styles). People on the avoidant side may feel secure because of their high autonomy but it is defensive against fears around attachment. Fear of engulfment, Fear of abandonment, of being seen and rejected. The adult attachment is directly connected to the blueprint left by the infant attachment to the caregivers. Attachment and survival were connected, so the strategies developed at the time (avoiding or clinging etc), remain in adulthood if not worked on. Maybe once you got into a deep relationship, your avoidant side got triggered as the fears have risen. As adult children from narcissistic families, we need to work on the communication styles and behaviors we have inherited. It is inevitable we have some narcissistic traits as well. Becoming self-aware is half the work.

[@MissSarahGM]

​@SomethingReallyStrange Like you said, the intention behind behaviors matters. Although for having been loved bombed a couple of times by men with NPD, I don't think it is as depicted by the channels on narcissism. I believe they idealize and are really into their new love object, that's why it is so contagious and intense (the cunning and plotting are rather psychopathic traits). And then they devalue, because no one is perfect and they see the flaws in the partner as an intolerable reflection. They can't focus on just one person, pretty much like addicts who need attention from multiple people. The world is full of average joes who are commonly abusive to their partner and find nothing wrong about it. The fact you are capable of self-reflection is very positive. You might have narcissistic traits, like a lot of us, and you can work on it and change what you don't like that can impact others negatively. Don't forget your girlfriend has free will if she chooses to stay around. You seem pretty aware of your perfectionism, how much you'd wish to conform to a certain image, an "ideal partner" and you suffer from falling short. This could be part of your heritage from your narcissistic family. I struggle with that too, and accepting the darker sides as mine too. You say it yourself, there are Hollywood or romantic relationship norms that make us feel inadequate if we don't fit in and our needs differ from this model. This might be a general "ideal" of romantic selflessness and generosity, but not the reality in most cases. What is important is to communicate on this with our partner, about our boundaries, our needs, and see if we can both benefit from being in the relationship. Ideally each partner should know themselves enough and their needs/boundaries to communicate them to the other, and create a recipe that would work for them both. Regardless of the "romantic norms". It may also be from education, girls are taught to be caring and selfless, while boys are more often self-centered and "selfish". Ok that's a generalization just like girls tend to undermine their achievements and boys overestimate theirs. Don't beat up yourself if you think you're not naturally giving and generous. You can adopt these behaviors if you want to. It's not your natural disposition? Even better, when you'll be giving that will convey you're making a special effort and being mindful. We can become better than we are. Once I have realized after family fall out, that I also participated in this dysfunctional mess and was not immune to selfish and entitled behaviors, I felt really bad and have decided to do the inner work. Starting with looking at the ugly aspects and accepting them as part of my current self. It's interesting that you mention avoidant behaviors, shutting down and isolating and your thoughts and beliefs... It reminds me of someone I had a great beginning of relationship with but after something happened and fears got triggered, he fizzled out and ghosted me. He qualified for Avoidant personality disorder (cluster c) and maybe other issues. I studied it, the overanalyzing, the erroneous beliefs about being inadequate and the inevitable coming rejection, the struggle to be authentic, and the people pleasing instead... He had told me he would tend to run away and to isolate. Also had narcissistic parents. Recently, after I tried to reach out and he never replied. I was telling myself how callous he had been, not much better than my narcissistic ex. How much narcissism is across the board, at times, and when deep fears, unacknowledged trauma are triggered, empathy is not accessible anymore. You ask what other option there is, apart from playing a role, overanalyzing the validity of your needs.. I guess there's getting to know and accepting yourself. You know the self-love speech.. that can change many things. If you'd like we can chat privately

[@jessicamusicslife465]

@SomethingReallyStrange I think the very fact that you are reflecting on whether you are being abusive or not to your partner is very good sign. A true narcissist doesn’t reflect on themselves or think there’s anything for them to work on themselves ever. You actually sound a lot normal than you think prolly. I believe “The Body Keeps the Score” talked about how 30-40% of the population had insecure attachments, it’s more common than people think. The very fact that you are reflecting and trying to get into therapy is good sign. I’d give yourself more credit than you think you deserve.

[@childofdestiny2811]

I can really relate to what you wrote! I’m struggling with the same thing. I applaud us both for being able to see how we are perpetuating the problem

[@yf8350]

So helpful to actually see these scenarios. Makes me feel a bit relieved to know I am not crazy and the only person who experiences this.

[@stealthwarrior5768]

These roll plays are really helpful. Thanks for sharing. When I was diagnosed with cancer my mother was angry. She told me I was selfish for getting sick as she worked so hard all her life and I went and got sick and who would take care of her now?. Hurts still 5 years on after treatment.

[@brennahasselmann8075]

Yup. Same thing happened to me w my mother. I got cancer and she was the victim

[@starlingswallow]

I thought these roll plays were silly at first .... but they are OH-so-helpful. Thank you!! 🙏🏻💗 I grew up with a really angry dad. I was terrified of him. I became codependent, a people pleaser and didn't learn to look after myself. I became the fixer. I felt wholly responsible for my dads anger. Through counseling I discovered how much this harmed me. My counselor encouraged me to talk with my dad and share how horrible this was for me. I was so scared to talk to him, I was afraid he'd minimize what happened and not apologize. My dad listened, he gave me a heart felt apology and talked about what he was going through during that time...he also said if, in my healing, this came up again, he'd be open to talk more about it 💕💗

[@kristenheatherei-star8254]

Omgosh I had my mom come to a therapy session with me and it was INSANE! I said well, you know, jumping from school to school sucked, I was in 8 schools by the time I was 10. My mom said “no you weren’t” So I listed them. And she freaking LEFT the session! Wow 😳

[@Luyco]

Seeing the normal mother’s responses is somewhat painful because I know I will never get those responses. I was diagnosed with PTSD by my therapist and we’re actively working on my trauma, I’m finally at the point where I feel comfortable with cutting ties with my mother, so things are getting better! But damn, what a process it is! Thank you for making these videos, they’re very informative and enlightening!

[@barbaragremaud3499]

This brings up so much. I have definitely been obsessed with trying to get through to family members - it comes up in my dreams. Your role plays are super helpful. Their familiarity makes me very sad but they are simultaneously validating.

[@Zumcho]

@Barbara you put it best. The familiarity is sad, but it simultaneously validating. Completely agree!

[@amandajs971]

Your comment is so relatable. The obsession you have trying to get through to your family shows how much you love them and the return gaslighting has caused deep trauma within you. I understand because I have experienced this as well. I hope life has gotten better for you🙏💕.

[@brookebolduc7573]

This was almost verbatim a conversation between me and my mom pre cut off. This was so helpful to me to maintain the cut off. Thank you for all that you do!

[@brandyk]

People should actually record any conversation they have and note the similarities. Obviously nobody likes to be made to feel like they hurt their kids in some way but denial does not change it. Whatever was done.. was done and cannot be undone. Whatever effect it has in the child/ grown child it has had. But here is where the continuing effect can either be increased or decreased. A parent accepting responsibility is so important in the health of the relationship moving forward. I have found n not just in myself, that most are willing to meet their parents part of the way. We are not looking to crush them n we have probably already made allowances ( usually too many) for their behavior based on their childhood or circumstances in life some of which they had little or no control over. But once parents lash out, start gaslighting n minimizing n trying to now make themselves the victim n you the ungrateful perpetrator who will understand when you have your own kids,it's difficult to come back from that. Besides while there are some mistakes any one with kids will likely make n theirs a grain of truth about judging people without having walked in their shoes that doesn't hold water for many behaviors that go far beyond innocent mistakes or well intentioned acts that didn't go well. My parents were frequently getting frustrated and my father at the age of 70 even yelling at a therapist" We're not perfect" as if anyone was exposed then to be. It's such an obvious deflection but what I couldn't see until several years later us that if everyone makes mistakes n nobody's perfect as they liked to say why are you so resistant to hearing what yours are. It should be no big deal. It was their own shame that prevented them from hearing n acknowledging. Sad.

[@yecats953]

I really enjoy these role-plays. They convey so well those Dynamics that are so hard to explain

[@lupuslongevitus]

The healthy mother made me cry. Wow, there are really some moms in the world like that.

[@joanageorge205]

Love these role plays! They're very on point! A few months ago I told my mother that I don't think I'll let my daughter spend any extended period of time with her because I'm worried, among other things, about my mum loosing her temper and pulling my daughter by the hair (as she used to do with me and my sister). It wasn't an easy thing to bring up. She knew better than to engage in a direct confrontation with me by that point, but an avalanche of passive-aggressive one-liners followed over the following few days; all timed perfectly so that I was very busy with my toddler and not in a position to engage. She then pretended that the conversation never happened. Just today, she told me that she wanted me to give her my daughter to take on holiday. I said no. She told me to "think about it". I said no again and she told me to just think about it again. I had to tell her no again and elaborate how there is no version of that plan that I would find appealing. At some point it gets almost funny. I used to be a lot more patient and compromising with her, but becoming a mother myself changed my attitude significantly.

[@barbaragremaud3499]

I'm so glad you can clearly see that you need to protect your daughter from her. I am amazed that many of my siblings (I have 12 😳) do not seem to feel as I do - I saw things clearly early on and didn't allow her to shame or otherwise inflict harm upon my children.

[@melhawk1352]

I don't let my narc mother anywhere near my kids. She would covertly turn them against me as I watched her do with my brother's kids. I live a very long way away from her so I have the advantage being able to use geography as a boundary.

[@jamiesmith2724]

My mother and I are the 3rd situation, but when she feels "attacked" she starts screaming so she doesn't have to hear it. Just watching this was able to set me off just like she does. I have tried talking to get like a rational adult, and she tell me I don't have" the right to talk to her like" because she is my mom... I'm 30 and she has always been the biggest problem in my life because of this behavior.

[@jessicamusicslife465]

I’m truly very sorry to hear that. I understand and sympathize with that. It’s very energy draining and exhausting. My mom uses the same BS by clinging to the mantra “But I’m your mother!” As if giving birth to someone trumps years of gaslighting, blame, shaming, abuse.

[@jadeblackwell6227]

My mom will say “ you can talk to me,” but when I do talk to her she flips out and goes “How dare you!” I am sick of falling into her trap of acting like she cares about how I feel or what I have to say. She has zero self awareness.

[@nikstar1313]

Wow, my mum was number one and she’s soooo threatened by my development! At 45!

[@kaceepuzniak543]

Nikki, my therapist recently had me do some reading on the "parentified daughter" and it was chilling. Not sure it's your dynamic with your mum but for me, it *really* helps to explain my mum's rage and fury with me. Just thought I'd mention in case you want to read!

[@nikstar1313]

Kacee Puzniak thank you sooooo much! I will check it out! Xxx

[@jenaya_laila2442]

I deeply believe that narcissistic mothers DO NOT want their children to succeed...They are competitive and sould crushing. Block her and blossom!

[@nikstar1313]

@jonesyO I am so sorry too.. Go Team scapegoat! Lots of love to you from Australia x

[@nikstar1313]

@@jenaya_laila2442 it’s so true!

[@tqt252]

"I don't know what you want from me" after I tell her as it is. Classic 👌

[@tbeansd6244]

I tried 3 years ago. I took my mum to one of my cbt and ptsd sessions to have it out with her in a safe place and to try and get my mum to see my point of view. I was glad i got out my feelings and cried none stop but unfortunately my mum had no clue and them made it about her. My mum is covert narc and now ive come to understand she gaslights all the time and that with my traumas through life, she takes on and plays the victim. Like my trauma s were bad for me but catastrophic for her. I never felt heard or cared for since a child and at 41 she over stepped the line with me and finally my younger brothet was able to see slightly into how selfish mum is. I have been none contact with her now since November as she made me so ill and exhausted i slipped into a very bad place after spending years on my own trying to get out of that placr. And that's the difference. I'm all for self development, help and tryimg to better myself whereas my mum won't ever do that and just takes the whow is me, pity party until she screws something else up again. Brilliant vid. And im still shaking writing this but just because she's my mum doesn't mean i owe her anything and that i shouldn't of been emotionally abused all these years. I am now hoping for a better future for myself and my cat.

[@jessicamusicslife465]

I’m so sorry to hear that and you are right for speaking the truth. She sounds like hell and I wish for you peace and you deserve love and respect, which I don’t see it coming from her. If no contact is what you need. You do it hun.

[@tbeansd6244]

@@jessicamusicslife465 thank you for your reply. Means alot. Hope you had a great Christmas and happy new year to you. X

[@OzinRoseCity]

I hope you and your cat are doing well.

[@comfort-and-joy]

Hoping for peace, joy, and ease for you and your cat. 💛 from one survivor to another

[@CherylMuir]

It's so powerful to see the healthy mother vs. the narcissistic mother, then coupled with the empowered daughter. Thank you so much for creating this ❤️

[@JM-yz6zb]

I felt like crying when I heard the healthy mother part, because its so different to my mum and im certain she'll never be like that.

[@licencetochill7489]

It's so obviously in this two different parts, when someone really cares about you and when "the narc" is there. A person who cares about you will be asking you questions or make a some reasoning for you or of their own part. The narcissist will also do "reasoning", but it's more like a blame and shame game

[@idontshakehands]

"What about middle school? You never told me about middle school!!" I'm triggered 😂😂

[@belrapture]

This. is. my. mom. I've been enlightened for a long time (aware of the cycles in my family). I still struggle though at 34, with wanting her to do the same and grow and own up to all of it. I yearn for things to be different.

[@nikkibaxter5550]

IN like your self I had hoped th same for my family and sibs, yet here I am in my mid 50's , one having the innerstahnding, and accepting that Austin had hope for, the change, did not and was not going to happen. They are lost in darkness on auto piolt , the lights are off and nobody's home. They closed their hearts, and now the Light is gone, and they are walking "out of their minds" playing the role the ego made up when they were children, a person's to fit into this, world of trauma. Closing their hearts down, shutting off their light as children, hearts broken, left empty broken vessels. A vicious cycle that defiantly needs to be broken. Turning back to the past, is the only way of life in the future. Passing the foundation of the adult being the child, is that child.is stunted spiritually, the body grows within the Light of the Spirit, the ago/ mind is blind and looking for outside source to programme it. My mother is 84 she still will not take responsibility for her cruel and aggressive treatment, and pyshical .emotional, metal torture Throughout chikdhood. "Oh anyone would think you were hard done by" Best thing I ever did was break away from her in my early 20's my sibs, however did not get so lucky, there were to.scared of her, the type who would keep everything bottled up, not a good thing to do, at all. The prob was I still thought, well at least I have my sibs, sadly they too, are narcs, and I had to face the face that my energy will always be low, if I continue putting them before my emotionally me and feelings, felt like I had been hit by a bus for a week, it was a right slap in the face to except. Yet I feel free, and my creativity has been given a boost, so that helps. Hope you heal your pain before you get to my age, it's a long time wasted on people who chose not to change a long time ago.

[@lynne9265]

Me too... I wish we had a healthy mother/daughter relationship. But sadly I am not sure that’s possible? I have many older friends who are like a surrogate mother to me.

[@jenniferwilburn1987]

The unhealthy mother is mine all over! Spot on with much of the wording, attitude, and answers given. That's almost exactly what mine sounds like & more when I attempt to speak to her or get her to be real and take ownership of things. She shifts blame, deflects, denies, manipulates, gets angry, attempts to make herself the victim and me the bad guy, and takes up for my brother - also a narcissist - always. I've felt like an outsider who doesn't belong in my family often. Thank you for helping me see and know I'm not crazy and this stuff is very real! I will continue working on myself no matter how much others try to drag me down. NOT happening!

[@scrillion6]

These roll plays are the best! It brings a real to narcissism that all the descriptions can’t convey. It’s a pattern I’m so used to, it’s just normal and well....thank you!

[@laurar990]

I’m glad you added in at the end “and not being protected “ when explaining why some of us might get stuck in trying to get the other person to understand and where that “engine” may come from. It made everything click for me. I do that a lot. I explain and defend away! Right from the beginning. It’s excessive and unnecessary but makes sense since I grew up feeling unseen , or heard or protected. Thanks for your content!

[@jordynlillibridge2769]

Having adhd with a narcissistic parent sucks. I forget so much that I'm very easily gaslighted and its made me constantly question on perception of things. I ended up having to move and just create distance. I'm also in therapy to process stuff, but I can't talk to her about any of it, because I'll be accused of making up stories for attention.

[@MyPumpkinSpicedChaos]

I don't cry very often but this made me fully break down. The narcissistic mother was spot on exactly how my mother reacts to me. She is very disabled and I've been her caretaker for so long that I just can't get away from it. Every time I've tried, she sucks me back in and no one ever believes me because she is "such a wonderful mother" to the rest of the world. The gaslight is so bad that everyone thinks I'm nothing more than a liar and so ungrateful for all that she "sacrificed" to be a mother. I'm 35 now and I finally convinced her to get her own place and stop living with me. I'm trying to create as much distance as I can and trying to figure out how to let it all go and heal. It is so very hard to break free when you've been told your whole life that your job is to take care of your mother.

[@1ajtg]

I find these videos very useful. Mainly because I've lived with a narcissist for 35 years and am 21 months No Contact. Getting confirmation of what real care and understanding is all about is great. Thank you Patrick... A

[@maryfowles807]

These role plays are amazing. It's so refreshing to see what the reactions are of a healthy mother. Honestly when you've never had any experience with a supportive parent it's really educational and healing to watch. THANKS!

[@famousstar796]

The wardrobe changes for each character is stellar

[@arwenperea]

Thank you for these types of role plays. It really helps me isolate some variables in these relationships. Narcissism is really an illness that needs to be purged from the victim's soul. Thank you for getting us children of this.

[@laurenbrown412]

These role-plays are so valuable! Thanks again, Patrick. Here are my personal takeaways: Healthy Mom: Sincerely asks how you are and listens to your answer, shows genuine care and compassion, owns their role and responsibility in the matter (current or past), is curious, is self-aware, and apologizes when appropriate. Unhealthy mom: deflects, minimizes, shames and blames, focuses back on the self, defensive, phony tone of care or concern, makes accusations, plays a strong victim or martyr card, self-righteous tone or attitude, shows contempt, can be aggressive (not safe)

[@mangel4382]

The version of your narcissistic mother is the version of my mother being in "healthy mode" and peaceful mode. hahaha If I would dare to have this conversation with my mum I would had been belittled, shamed, shouted at and called names to say the least. Thank God I was born with the personality of the "empowered daughter" and I would always fight back and would never take her unhealthy ways. When I was younger I used to cry a lot because of her attitude. Now I just distance myself and rationalise it. She rarely makes me cry nowadays but she still has a way when she belittles me some times, if I am feeling low about something else to get a reaction out of me. I have never done therapy, however, I became my own therapist by reading books on psychology at my university library, listening to videos like yours and reading a lot of self help books and doing the work.

[@josiahlewis5838]

"You were fine u had friends we went shopping" wow i swear thats exactly what my mom said

[@Kif_Lee]

Watching empowered daughter stand up for herself is soooo satisfying

[@lizgen4278]

This really highlights how disconnected and jumpy the communication is between the narcissistic conversation and the healthy conversation. The narcissistic conversation had felt so normal to have in the past, with the child wanting to bring the conversation back to the point all the time and getting nowhere fast. I can't believe how well rounded the healthy parent was and that they always were so aware of bringing the conversation back to the matter at hand - the feelings and pain of the child. The healthy part was hard to watch. I'm going to revisit this over and over. Thank you for showing what healthy conversation looks like. All I've ever known is a "me me me" power struggle. Time to start learning, to be able to choose better relationships with ownership and boundaries. ❤️

[@dragonasshh4264]

Meryl Streep better watch out...that was an outstanding performance! I just love your videos so much - they help so much. you really bring a fresh and unique perspective to this very difficult and dark topic. very relatable. very inspiring. i wish all therapists were this amazing! your clients are VERY lucky.

[@gorefieldluvr6921]

The healthy mother reminds me of my mom!! So thankful for her, I wish I could share her ❤️

[@Blinkgirlsareperfect]

My God....The first skit, I swear this man was standing outside my window this morning when me and my narcissist mom tried to talk about my teenage years. He basically did her whole reaction.....lol🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@Michelle-wo1fm]

My mom said that she wanted to come with me to the therapist so that she could tell her "what was really going on. " My therapist said that my relationship with mom was like being on the Dating Game..(yes I'm a child of the 60s) where I should be able to predict my mom's responses to my issues with her. I shouldn't haven't been surprised at her reactions. Therapy helped me change how I dealt with her...that it was wrong on her end. Still seeing a therapist but these you tube videos are very helpful in still working through my own issues.

[@Jacocks06]

Wow. The healthy mother is shocking. I have never heard words like that, ever. Great to see now as I’m a mother. Thank you!

[@petadee5141]

In my thirties I wrote 15 pages of truth, reflecting back the horrific childhood my sister and I suffered at the hands of a mother definitely Cluster B. I posted the letter. She was mortified, angry, hurt and decided seeing as I was mis-remembering, and attacking her and failing to see what suffering she had endured that she wanted nothing to do with me. We didn’t speak for years. But I felt soooo much better because I’d told her. It was cathartic to tell her. This role play above us both insightful, disturbing and on some level comedic.

[@jaisyw7569]

I find these really helpful! I haven’t had a healthy example in my life to model and have often felt stuck trying to guess what to strive for with both boundaries and my own behaviour.

[@GoddessHabits]

These role plays.... these exact things have been said to me repeatedly throughout life. These role plays not only help me confirm she is a narc (several therapists have but this helps) but it shows me what healthy looks like so I can be healthy to others since I never saw what that looked like, and it helps show me how to act more empowered.

[@daniellecance1174]

Thank you, this is awesome! Like other commenters, I love the compare and contrast to be able to see what a healthy mother would look like and what the empowered daughter looks like to model. It would be awesome if you already have or could make a "post call" video with techniques to re-center, self-parent, self-soothe, etc. after the empowered daughter/child has that conversation. Even if you felt like you did a good job staying logical, calm, and empowered during the conversation, it's really draining and hard to transition back into your regular life without some steps to take after the call, where the cloud of the conversation is hanging over you (what you should or shouldn't have said, replaying hurtful things that were said by her, etc). I also felt a pang of empathy when you were like "If I had known they were going to have that conversation..." You probably already know, but I feel like your clients that go and have that conversation don't necessarily plan it so they wouldn't be able to give you a warning they were even thinking about it; my gut says in the session they almost certainly weren't. Specifically with me it used to happen because of that natural drive despite everything to want a relationship with your mother, so early on in therapy after an empowering session, combined with the new knowledge, that desire to have her understand that you referenced kicked in while I was mentally processing my session after the buzz of feeling empowered wore off. Like, during the processing everything becomes so clear, you're sure you can make them see (like you reference) and you could have a real relationship. Now I intellectually understand she's not a safe person to have the conversation with and that won't change. Now that I'm further on in my therapy, that desire to have the conversation still happens- usually after being gray rock for awhile I get lulled into thinking maybe it's safe to have a conversation, but it's just not. Which, that is another thing that sticks out specifically as super helpful... I think you phrasing it that way - is she a safe person to have that conversation with - isn't something I had heard or absorbed phrased like that before. Usually I'm thinking about how vulnerable or strong I'm feeling, am I able to handle the conversation, etc., but "is she a safe person to have this conversation with," is a really simple yes or no. Thank you again for these videos, very very helpful!

[@beckymm1989]

Thanks, Doc!! I sent this to my sister and she gets it! We have supportive, amazing spouses. Yay, I get my sister back!

[@kamalalove6083]

These role plays are so, so helpful to me. Thank you.

[@prismonthethehorizon5793]

It really helps to see and label the behaviours. It's helped me alot with all the toxic relationships I have in my life. I know I'll never be able to talk to my dad about his behaviour towards me as he'll kick off but it helps to say to yourself ahhh there's a bit of guilt, oh they're projecting now, oh anger to manipulate and take control ( I just phone the police these days)....mmm trying to shame me so they can manipulate me, ohhh there's a put down. When you don't know or understand the behaviours you just stay in a perpetual state of confusion or feel like you're the worse person in the world when really it's because they're so messed up and won't do any self reflection and innerwork, the best thing you can do is work towards your own healing. It's important to understand how difficult it is for them to self reflect but learn not to take their toxic behaviour onboard and turn it in on yourself.