Alterous Attraction: A Deep Dive

[@EUREKKA2025]

PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT ALTEROUS ATTRACTION!!! as someone who is a non-binary lesbian oriented aroace, I appreciate this video so much!! THE AWARENESSSSSSSSS

[@gckinsey]

AHHH thank you so much!!! Learning about alterous attraction was so helpful to me so I'm glad I can do my part in bringing that awareness to others. I really appreciate you checking out this video!

[@Jake5537t]

Quick question, what does alterus attraction actually feel like for you and is it only woman you feel it towards?

[@sunzaroo]

This gave me a new perspective on an old friendship of mine. I always felt that I saw them as more than friends, but I never had any interest in dating them. We would talk forever about our interests. They got me invested in shows they enjoyed. I told them things I have never told anyone. We would cuddle for hours while talking or watching a show. There were a couple times that I tried to fall asleep next to them, but they would laugh light-heartedly and send me to my bed. I was entirely comfortable with them in a way I have never been with anyone else. I connect with the description of alterous attraction as a kind of nonbinary love, as these feelings were never “nearly romantic” or “between romantic and platonic,” like I had heard it be described before. My feelings for my friend were both platonic and something completely different and unlike anything I had heard explained before. So yeah, alterous attraction seems to describe this experience of mine

[@gckinsey]

The way you described that old friendship of yours sounds so lovely! It must have been wonderful to experience that kind of connection. And I'm glad this video gave you some new perspective on it. It sounds like alterous attraction would be a good way to put those feelings into context. "I connect with the description of alterous attraction as a kind of nonbinary love" >> BIG SAME. I love how well "alterous" works as an umbrella term for all of those feelings that don't fit very well into either a romantic or platonic box. Thank you so much for checking out this video and leaving such a delightful comment! :)

[@Exsangui-nate]

If you're both goth, call that..... A Monster Mesh

[@RayAshG]

As someone who sees value in friendship within committed relationships, I highly relate to alterous attraction. I struggle with deciphering how I picture my relationships with girls because sometimes when I see a girls I like, instinctually I just want to be friends first and then be committed to hangouts and dates, but not too much leaning towards romance. Because of that, I identify as heteroalterous. I simply like them period and would be happy to be seen as a partner to them in any way, shape, or form.

[@Haferkoko]

For me I always thought it must be something like "This person is my favorite person in the world and I just want to be around them all the time!" But when I was asked if I want to start anything romantic it gave me the ick? Like, is it too much to ask to just want someone who cares about you as much as you care about them, without it being a neccessity that things get weird between you two? That's something I always asked myself (and the world around me)

[@gckinsey]

This comment is a WHOLE MOOD lol. Especially this part: "Like, is it too much to ask to just want someone who cares about you as much as you care about them, without it being a neccessity that things get weird between you two?" It feels like society is so obsessed with the romantic/platonic dichotomy that most people don't know what to do with feelings that don't fit neatly within that. (Which only makes it that much harder for people like us who experience those kinds of feelings.) Thank you so much for watching this video and sharing such a relatable comment! It's always great to hear from you!

[@Haferkoko]

@@gckinsey Of course. 😊 I always enjoy being here and talking to you. Do you have discord by the way?

[@theboxygenie]

I would classify it as platonic honestly. Like the "found family" or "second family" relationship that seems to be most common among LGBT+ people who lack the support of their blood family.

[@gckinsey]

I do, but I'm almost never on there LOL (I probably remember to check it about once every month or two)

[@gckinsey]

I think it all depends on the nature and intensity of the feelings. I have those kinds of found/chosen family bonds with my closest queer friends, but some of them feel strictly platonic while others feel (or have felt) impossible to categorize between platonic vs. romantic

[@JoshuaMNeff]

I *so* relate to the Schrodinger's Date feels! I relate to a lot of this. I learned about the term "alterous attraction" a few years ago and instantly related to it, but it was only about a year ago that I realized and accepted that I'm aromantic (as well as ace). I think I've always had alterous feelings, but like you talked about, I didn't have the context to sort out how I felt about people. I usually assumed I had romantic crushes on people, even though if I did tell someone I had romantic feelings for them and they said they didn't feel the same way, I was like "Okay, cool, we're still friends, right?" I think knowing about alterous attraction and really questioning what I wanted from someone I had strong feelings for would have made so many of my relationships in the past better. But at least now I know and I can ask myself "Do I actually want to be in a romantic relationship with this person? Or do I just feel really close and want to get closer and spend a lot of time with them and tell other people how cool this person is without it being romantic?" I love your video! Thank you for making it!

[@gckinsey]

LOL I'm glad I'm not alone with the Schrodinger's Date feels XD and I'm glad you found so much of this video relatable! It's really cool that the term "alterous attraction" resonated with you even before you figured out that you were aromantic. For me it was the other way around, I figured out I was gray aro/demiromantic first and then later learned about alterous attraction and related to it strongly. "I think knowing about alterous attraction and really questioning what I wanted from someone I had strong feelings for would have made so many of my relationships in the past better." >> This is such a true statement for me as well. Knowing about alterous attraction has made a world of difference in sorting out my feelings and taken away so much of the confusion I used to experience when I was younger. Thank you so much for watching this video and sharing your thoughts! :)

[@jasminbarrientos]

How do you know the difference? What makes you know its romantic or when it's not😅

[@brontesaurusrex7235]

The examples here are so, so helpful for me as a very confused aro person who can't figure out what romantic attraction is even supposed to be other than "yeah, I don't do that." Thank you

[@gckinsey]

Ahhhh yay, I'm glad my examples were helpful! Thank you so much for watching this video and for the kind words :)

[@mothMOV]

Ive known what alterous attraction is for several years now. This video helped me relize what i thought was was a crush is actually a mesh. Im suprised i didn't think of that sooner i guess i just got stuck in the romantic platonic binary. This mesh feels like a lot of oh god she is so pretty, slightly less of wanting to hold her hand and cuddle her, occasionally wanting to kiss her, and a tiny amount of sexual attraction. What made me realize its a mesh and not s crush is the fact that i don't care if we kiss i mostly just want to be closer to her, and more physically affectionate.

[@toincoin]

I never knew there was a word for this! I've considered myself demi-sexual/aro-spec for a while but somehow never knew about this. In high school I had confusing feelings for someone that in hindsight was definitely alterous attraction. I thought about them A LOT and always wanted to be closer with them but never pictured us doing romantic things together (though if they had offered I may have accepted). I've noticed that even in media I tend to prefer character dynamics that are ambiguous as to whether they're romantic or platonic. I sometimes even root against characters making it "official" by kissing lol. Makes much more sense now.

[@gckinsey]

I'm glad I could introduce you to a new word! (It's wild to think it wasn't even coined 10 years ago, because the first time I heard it I immediately went "where has this word been all my life???" LOL) "In high school I had confusing feelings for someone that in hindsight was definitely alterous attraction. I thought about them A LOT and always wanted to be closer with them but never pictured us doing romantic things together (though if they had offered I may have accepted)." >> This is so relatable and I'm glad I'm not the only one who's had confusing feelings like this! I also really enjoy media with character dynamics that leave some ambiguity as to whether they're romantic or platonic! Though weirdly enough, I enjoy romantic media just as much (probably because it's a lot more fun when it's happening to fictional characters and not to me, haha). But yeah, I can see why both of us would gravitate toward those ambiguous dynamics in media when we experience alterous attraction in real life! Thank you so much for watching and commenting on this video, I really appreciate it!

[@bunnysammy_]

Honestly this video came in at the perfect time for me, as it's helping me identify what I feel for someone, as well as to rethink past relationships. It definitely changed the way I can deal with my feelings so thank you so so much for making it

[@gckinsey]

I'm so glad this video came at such a good time! (I'm currently experiencing alterous attraction too, which was what motivated me to film it.) It makes me happy that you now have a new term/framework to help you make sense of both your current and past feelings. Thank you so much for watching and commenting! : )

[@thepeculiarmaple]

The curse is what I call what I perceived to be romantic attraction, too 😂 I'm CAPABLE of experiencing it, but for some reason like... Acting on that impulse always feels a bit repulsive and gross. Just like the fun times. Can't do those either, nope.

[@stardewofpyrrhia4381]

So, what do you call someone you’re in an alterous relationship with? It’s not the same as friends or partners, and QPR applies but includes so much more too!

[@aawillma]

Before I knew I was aro I went through the classic arospec growing pain of assuming that romantic attraction is just platonic plus sexual attraction, plus deep emotional intimacy. Spoiler alert, it's NOT. Romance is its own seperate thing apparently. Just platonic? Friends. Just sexual? Fling. Platonic and sexual but not deep? Fbuddies or FWB. Platonic and sexual attraction and deeply emotionally connected but no romantic interest or intention? Errrr.. Heartbreak? I'm glad there's a word for it now. Growing up as a queer girl with a lot of curious friends, let's just say I had a lot of really confusing friendships. A couple times in my life now I have genuinely felt like I was in love with someone but I never even considered wanting to be in a relationship with them. It was really ostracizing because it felt normal to me and NO ONE I ever tried to explain it to could relate to it. They guessed it was a fear of commitment but it definitely was not. I've been with my partner for 15 years in what is (now) a poly queerplatonic marriage.

[@sundalosketch4769]

That's what always throws me off is the "fear of commitment" label. It seems to make sense but that phrase can feel like it undermines people's actual level of commitment; just bc chemistry was a bit meshy and funky, rather than a tight-knit box.

[@gckinsey]

"Before I knew I was aro I went through the classic arospec growing pain of assuming that romantic attraction is just platonic plus sexual attraction, plus deep emotional intimacy. Spoiler alert, it's NOT." >> This reminds me of how before I was ace, I used to think sexual attraction was just what eventually happened when sensual + romantic attraction were given enough time and space to grow. I was so shocked when I realized it was a whole separate thing and that for some people it just never happens. XD I'm sorry you experienced heartbreak around figuring out what your alterous feelings were, and I'm glad there's a word for it too. (And you're not alone in having a lot of really confusing friendships before that word was coined.) "They guessed it was a fear of commitment but it definitely was not." >> This is SO FASCINATING because I've had a few people think that was the case for me too! Sometimes about my alterous attraction, sometimes about my romantic attraction since I'm demiromantic and it takes me a long time to develop romantic feelings. Either way, it couldn't be further from the truth lol. Thank you so much for watching this video and leaving such a relatable comment! :)

[@gckinsey]

@@sundalosketch4769 Yes to all of this! For me as an aro-spec person, it's not that I have a fear of commitment, it's just that I experience attraction differently than most allo folks do.

[@jasminbarrientos]

​@gckinsey how do you know when it's romantic 😅

[@jasminbarrientos]

I'm confused about this, the queerplatonic marriage.😅 what's stopping it from being romantic? What would change if it was romantic or how would you know when it is?

[@EliaAliceRaven]

Ooooooh, this is interesting. The first time I encountered the term "alterous attraction", I sat in shock thinking "THERE'S A WORD FOR THAT ????? IT'S ACTUALLY SEPARATE FROM ROMANTIC ATTRACTION ???? well that explains a LOT", because here's the thing : I've always experienced a mental/physical combination of attraction. STRONGLY SO. (I figured out I felt 'something different, like a best friend but a lot more' for some girls when I was freaking FIVE YEARS OLD.) But it took SO MANY MORE YEARS for me to understand what it truly was (thanks, society) : alterous/sensual, rather than romantic/sexual. Similar on the surface. So very fucking different once you've scraped said surface. I mean -- figuring out I was ace was... a journey in itself, but THEN had come the remaining problem : at the time, the split-attraction model was kind of presented like 'there are different types of attraction, but the main drivers are romantic and/or sexual'. And so, if you were aroace, you didn't feel any kind of strong attraction. Except THAT was not my experience ! At all ! So, of course, what I felt HAD to be romantic attraction. Even though I never understood even the very concept of kissing (YOU'RE SMASHING YOUR FOOD HOLES TOGETHER ?!?!?!), or wanted to go on a date with my "crushes", or wanted to live with them, or or or... ... Yeah. Unsurprisingly, discovering alterous attraction suddenly explained A LOT. Now, the part that's interesting is this : it's the first time I hear alterous attraction discussed by someone who DOES experience romantic attraction, and thus can tell the difference ! It kind of helps confirm for me, even though I've already been certain for years, that YUP I've indeed NEVER felt romantic attraction in my LIFE. The only difference between your description / categorization of alterous attraction and mine would be that it IS often all-consuming for me (in the sense of thinking about the person almost constantly / wishing they were there / etc). Which is actually the point that kept me thinking surely it HAD to be romantic, before I knew about alterous attraction... But nope ! Everything else about romantic attraction still and forever makes NO SENSE to me. (Having to splash cold water on your face because you're blushing... What do you MEAN this is actually a real thing that happens to people, and not someone exaggerating when they're writing fanfiction ? What ? HOW 😭)

[@justme20091000]

Thank you for what you said. I feel seen by your comment, particularly by the part where you say that your alterous attraction is very overwhelming for you, and it's true that the usual romantic/sexual binary in the split attraction model has created a very simplistic discourse in which aromantics / asexual aromantics don't experience any attraction at all. I'm an oriented (agender) aroace person and I do feel rare but very strong alterous attraction which is directed towards a very particular type of maleness/masculinity. So, yes, I'm an aroace person who not only feels strong attraction but also has a type! I've only ever felt alterous attraction, but back in my college days (I'm now 38) when I didn't have the language for it, I fell in the usual trap of thinking that my feelings were romantic, even though, thinking retrospectively, I never wanted to kiss or hold hands or have anyone as my 'boyfriend'. And I found romantic couples' behaviour strange and sometimes offputting. Now I know why I felt that way and why all I wanted from my "crushes" were great intellectual conversations over cups of tea or long walks. I couldn't think of anything else to do with those guys!

[@gckinsey]

I love this comment so much! "But it took SO MANY MORE YEARS for me to understand what it truly was (thanks, society) : alterous/sensual, rather than romantic/sexual. Similar on the surface. So very fucking different once you've scraped said surface." >> I relate to this SO STRONGLY. I feel like the allo/amatonormative nature of society makes us think that any kind of very strong attraction must be romantic and/or sexual in some way. Which makes things confusing AF when you're a-spec, especially before you figure that out. "at the time, the split-attraction model was kind of presented like 'there are different types of attraction, but the main drivers are romantic and/or sexual'." >> I'm so glad you pointed this out! I feel like sexual and romantic attraction are still presented as the main drivers in some ways-like how sexual and romantic orientation labels are so much more common than orientation labels based on other types of attraction. And I can see how that would make it harder to figure out that you're aroace when you do still feel a very strong type of attraction. This is just another of the many reasons why I'm glad that 1) the term "alterous" exists, and 2) more and more people are using it. "Now, the part that's interesting is this : it's the first time I hear alterous attraction discussed by someone who DOES experience romantic attraction, and thus can tell the difference ! It kind of helps confirm for me, even though I've already been certain for years, that YUP I've indeed NEVER felt romantic attraction in my LIFE." >> This is amazing to hear! I'm glad that the differences between my experiences with romantic vs. alterous attraction helped you confirm that none of your past feelings were romantic. Not gonna lie, I often find it difficult and frustrating to be demi/gray-aro because of how stressful romantic attraction is on the rare occasion it happens. But hearing this from you makes me feel better, like my weird gray aro orientation is actually useful for something XD "Having to splash cold water on your face because you're blushing... What do you MEAN this is actually a real thing that happens to people, and not someone exaggerating when they're writing fanfiction ? What ? HOW" >> Hahaha yes, this is indeed a real thing. So is the "butterflies in the stomach" feeling and having trouble hearing your own voice over the rush of blood in your ears when confessing romantic feelings. (Which also sounded like a shitpost/fanfic trope until I experienced it for the first time LMAO) Thank you so much for watching this video and leaving such an amazing comment! =D

[@ursomajor5607]

Let’s see if I finally understand what alteous attraction is 💚 Edit after watching: ok I think I understand what it is, but I do not think I experience it, making me analterous(could imagine demialtetous). Feel like it might have something to do with me being (fully)aromantic ALONG with (gray/cupio)aplatonic. I can’t even get into the door of alterous attraction.

[@Exsangui-nate]

Love that there's a term for the nebulous feeling I get sometimes but having heard your story, I think I'll use The Curse™ instead 😂

[@lav-kitty]

thank you sooooo much for this video, found it after getting the transmasculinity signs video recommended to me. You have no idea how happy seeing this video below it made me ah! forgot to give context but I am a pseudoromantic pseudosexual person as well as quaromantic, and knowing how unknown those things are always bothers me, I get happy whenever I see representation for it that naturally comes to me (without me actively searching for it). All I see is QPRs all around and that's it, they're usually "just friends"

[@ellochickennugget1015]

It's so weird. I simply love this person, we're best friends and I'm deeply connected to him on an emotional level. I think it's platonic, but desires and what I see us doing would 100% be seen as romantic outside of context by an outsider. I really want to hold him or "cuddle" but no kissing or anything. Either way I think everyone misunderstands what love really means, I think I'm aro, but either way, in my point of view it love is simply the emotional connection, the unexplainable bond that feels like it's outside the physical body. Something you feel in your soul/heart. Our bond has nurtured deeply and that's why I think I have those desires and stuff. The problem is, is this romantic or platonic? Because it's so unclear I think it's alterous. Either way, I'd call what I have, the deepest level of love a friendship can reach. Again, there is definitely no sexual desire as I don't want to do anything more that includes being naked haha, nor do I want to kiss. But being able to cuddle and be close to him when we'd have a sleepover or watch a movie sounds so nice and honestly, perfect!

[@thepeculiarmaple]

This is exactly how I feel, as well. It's this middle ground between platonic and romantic attraction that's super intense but doesn't cross into romance, but can't be easily explained platonically. Like, I know this label is useful cause I know of so many friends that I care about platonically, but don't feel alterously attracted to. Then you've got my QPR. My QPR is amazing, and so fulfilling. My partner is so hard to describe on one word, cause they mean so much to me. I can't easily explain how I like them, and so that's how I know it's alterous. Because, at the end of the day: the Schrodinger's date would be NICE. But if I found out that they wanted romance or the fun stuff with me... I'd feel uncomfortable AF and feel like it would be just not the vibes? A few times I've questioned it and told them, but we come back to this same consensus: I'm not the type to enjoy a romantic partnership long term, and the expectations and ideas that go along with them are not comfy for me.

[@thepeculiarmaple]

I can sometimes feel a bit sad I don't like them that way, cause as you mentioned: sensual attraction is a thing! I want to make this person happy, and I sometimes wonder if we could be missing out. But then I remember what led me here, and I am in awe at the beauty of our relationship we have. It's like the difference between a poem and a movie. A movie you share with everyone. A poem... typically, only you and the other person resonate with it. A poem is special and unique and just not that easy to resonate with. A movie (like romance) has so much thought that goes into it to convey a specific thing. But alterous attraction says "We show up for each other, no strings attached, as we are, with less of our physical body, and our lives are bettered by this situation"

[@thepeculiarmaple]

*not that easy to resonatw with exactly unless it's your situation (this analogy may be flawed, but what I mean basically is: a poem can take any meaning it wants to the outsider, but to those involved it's very specific, kinda like alterous attraction appears to others)

[@lysandergrey]

woah this is really cool. I've been trying to figure out if I'm aromantic/where on the aro spectrum I fall, and this is a super helpful term!! I'll definitely look into this, thank you so much!!!!

[@gckinsey]

I saw your other (more recent) comment before I saw this one lol, but thank you so much again! I'm glad you found this term helpful!

[@nabra97]

*Starting to watch*: what in the world is that about? *Finishing to watch*: ok, I had these, probably a few times. I mean, I barely understand the difference between romantic and platonic attraction in an exclusive relationship, because I was told they were the same for a very long time.

[@gckinsey]

I'm glad you were able to relate to the examples of alterous attraction I described! Also this is super interesting: "I mean, I barely understand the difference between romantic and platonic attraction in an exclusive relationship, because I was told they were the same for a very long time." I was always told they were very distinct/separate things, so it used to confuse me so much when my feelings were more ambiguous and hard to categorize. Thank you so much for watching this video and sharing your thoughts!

[@lav-kitty]

I've left an appreciation comment, but after a while, I decided to talk about my experience as well since it's what seems to be a very rare experience. in a nutshell, my exteramo attraction* can be felt in multiple ways, and sometimes this way has everything "normal" people would find more than enough to call romantic attraction... but I'm not a normal person lol. I actually rank my exteramo relationship on top of any romantic relationship I could(nt) ever have, despite common use, it is not "less than romantic" to me, it's more, it's ahead romance. *exteramo attraction is a sub-category of alterous, meaning neither of the two nor in-between. To me, it's something else entirely, that only I understand. *complex amatopunk explanation incoming* The reason for that is I don't want a relationship that is labeled a "romantic relationship", and NOT because it lacks what most romantic relationships have or anything like that, but because I am trauma-repulsed by the concept of romanticism, most reasons being amatonormativity and unrealistic expectations. I despise the idea that someone's emotional relationship is less serious just because it doesn't follow the set of rules established by society, despise the creepy implication of some of these rules -(cough) keeping someone as your imprisoned pet and incentivating codependency and trust issues,- and also believe I don't owe anyone my emotional relationship with someone being pushed into a normative box. Like, no, grace, your ideal relationship with someone isn't the ultimate relationship just because it is socially constructed as the truest form of love... leave mine alone. Besides, any monogamous best friend/favorite person is always my lover and any lover is always my monogamous best friend/favorite person, it can never be just one or the other.

[@Peertje304]

I didn't know this word yet but i think it really explains me well

[@gckinsey]

That's awesome, I'm glad I could help you find a word you relate to!

[@prof.evilpictures8696]

I’m not aro as far as I know, but I’ve also definitely experienced what I have thought of as platonic crushes, though I’d say that wording is not fully accurate, so this feels like it makes a lot of sense

[@gckinsey]

I'm glad the terms "alterous"/having a "mesh" can help contextualize some of the feelings you've experienced in the past! And it's cool that you've experienced them without being aro. (Even though the split attraction model and a lot of its related terminology originated in ace and aro spec spaces, I feel like it's a useful framework for any orientation.) Thanks so much for checking out this video and sharing your thoughts!

[@22kitten33]

I dont think i necessarily feel alterous attraction, ive always figured panromantic and asexual after finding the word asexual. But I’ve definitely felt meshes before, so i like having that word at least. It’s also always nice to learn new words to describe feelings and attraction. I like how you also gave examples and made it all interesting too, cuz that helps with the understanding. Some people dont seem to realize that definitions, no matter how many you find that may differ, arent always as helpful with making someone understand something, especially as confusing as attraction or feelings, as hearing from someone’s personal perspective is. Also, this is the first time ive ever heard someone’s voice and thought of it as an androgynous voice. So that was also an interesting thing to find and hear, given ive heard some people say such a thing exists, but i dont actually remember ever hearing such a thing.

[@gckinsey]

Thank you so much for checking out this video! I'm glad you learned some new words from it. And I'm glad you like my voice too. :) "I like how you also gave examples and made it all interesting too, cuz that helps with the understanding. Some people dont seem to realize that definitions, no matter how many you find that may differ, arent always as helpful with making someone understand something, especially as confusing as attraction or feelings, as hearing from someone’s personal perspective is." >> This makes me really happy to hear. I tend to find real world examples/personal stories more useful than definitions too, so it's great to know that sharing my own examples helped you!

[@lliliemoon]

this explains so much also I feel like the typical lesbian experience

[@GhERM2SOIED72]

Following your heart is the right call matter the case, as long as you don't go where you're unwanted. Wanting to share every day of the foreseeable future with someone but not really wanting to kiss can have a name, sure, but what does that do if the people involved are already following their hearts?

[@gckinsey]

"Following your heart is the right call matter the case, as long as you don't go where you're unwanted." >> Yep, agreed with this! (Though I also like to balance out following your heart with a healthy dose of following your brain, in the sense of assessing compatibility and looking out for red flags/deal breakers) "Wanting to share every day of the foreseeable future with someone but not really wanting to kiss can have a name, sure, but what does that do if the people involved are already following their hearts?" >> In my experience, having a name for something helps alleviate confusion and make communication better. And good communication drastically improves relationships of all kinds.

[@stm7810]

glad this works great for you, I admit, as a system we thought when clicking the title this was attraction to your headmates/alters. this semi platonic thing is cool though. before this I thought it was just called emotional attraction, a thing many people have, like familial, aesthetic etc.

[@gckinsey]

"I admit, as a system we thought when clicking the title this was attraction to your headmates/alters" >> LOL this was like me as a demiromantic finding out about demigenders. Same prefix, completely different concept. Alterous attraction is definitely a form of emotional attraction, but what makes it stand out is how it doesn't fit neatly within a platonic/romantic binary the way some other forms of emotional attraction can. Thanks so much for checking out this video! :)

[@stm7810]

​@@gckinsey I meant there's an attraction that's legit called emotional, when it is just emotion, like this person brings joy and I bring them joy, without the layers that others have. as someone aromantic my go to example is how a person who makes me angry is different to an enemy. To me alterous sounds like besties, but that's because I'm as said cold, same as how as a blind person I don't understand some visual experiences. I have enough vision to know what red circles are or such, but knowing what freckles or eye contact looks like. To me I can easily tell the difference between cuddling someone whilst naked as friends with htem accepting my preference for naturalism, vs getting sexual. Same as how kissing your sister goodnight, kissing a friend in joy, or kissing to be sexual are different.

[@eleonline6384]

I've known about aromantic and asexual identities for over 6 years. For that same time i have been seeking out more information because I knew from the start that I was on both the aromatic and asexual spectrums it was just a matter of how much. Being asexual was something a lot easier for me to quantify but romantic attraction is its own monster. For years, while I was still coming to terms with being asexual and wasn't even thinking about being aromantic, I would ask my friends what it felt like to have a crush and no offense to them but their explanations were no help. I never got butterflies when talking with potential crushes and I didn't think about them all the time. I wanted to be around them sure and spend time with them, but I never had clear signs that it was a crush. But at the same time I wanted romance. I wanted to be in romantic situations with someone and do all these corny, romantic things but I genuinely just didn't think I had the capacity to and that was devastating for me. I am so glad I stumbled across this video because it has finally shown me that I'm not alone in this. That there are people out there who experience this weird not-quite-romantic not-quite-platonic attraction and desire. I have been searching for answers, hoping that I would stumble across at least one other person who could help me figure out what I am, and now I got a whole ass label. Thank you for making this video and for showing me that I'm not alone.

[@Uragan00829]

Oh yeah I am in a same situation! But I actually have a partner and it's like: She's more that a friend but not really a lover? I sometimes feel guilty for being with her since she's a "hopeless romantic"... But I take it as a good old self doubting of mine! Also I am like "new" in this since I found out in January thanks to a friend... Oh hi by the way! It's nice to meet a fella like you! ^^

[@gckinsey]

I love this comment so much 🥹 "Being asexual was something a lot easier for me to quantify but romantic attraction is its own monster" >> quite possibly the most relatable sentence I have ever read, lol I've had some cases of what were very clearly crushes/romantic feelings, but not very many of them. And those few crushes made my meshes even more confusing, because it seemed like they *should* have been crushes but they just weren't. (Plus being demi doesn't help, because my romantic feelings always start out as platonic feelings and tend to have an alterous phase in between... that's confusing enough as it is, but was even more so before I knew the word "alterous" existed.) I think it's also challenging that we live in such an amatonormative world. So many aspects of our media and culture put romantic relationships on a pedestal. And when we don't experience romantic attraction the way we're expected to, and the way others around us seem to, it can feel really confusing and lonely. So I'm really happy that this video let you know you're not alone! Now that you know what alterous attraction is, I hope you're able to connect with even more people who've experienced it. Thank you again for watching and sharing your thoughts!

[@Grokford]

My question is what these people mean when they say “platonic”

[@MarcillaSmith]

Could this be your way of identifying yourself as socratically attracted?

[@xXxStarlingxXx]

Basically just friends or not romantic

[@gckinsey]

Platonic refers to attraction that isn't romantic in nature (so basically, wanting to be friends with someone). For a lot of gray aromantic folks like myself, it can be tricky to tell the difference between platonic and romantic... so this question is a whole mood LOL. And that's why alterous attraction is such a useful concept to many of us. I have another video about finding the line between platonic vs. romantic (kzbin.info/www/bejne/baWklGOJmruXqsU), but it focuses more on actions, whereas this video focuses more on attraction. I hope all of that helps!

[@vslifeofcycles5415]

This is my furst time hearing this term. I think I am still confused though because I still have no idea what romantic means 🤷🏻

[@lav-kitty]

it's what you make of it

[@denizakbal408]

thou shalt maketh more bibliographies for LGBT+ lore for thee

[@gckinsey]

Haha yes =D I totally want to make more videos like this about queer terms and the history/context behind them!

[@anonymousmisnomer5443]

Is there a word for a crush/mesh/squish that's sensually motivated but not romantically motivated? I recently realized im arospec (probably demiromantic) but still very allosexual

[@gckinsey]

It looks like the word you're looking for might be lush (according to the list of terms here): www.aromanticism.org/en/attraction-relationship-terms -crush = romantic attraction -smush = sexual attraction -swish = aesthetic attraction -mesh = alterous attraction -squish = platonic attraction -lush = sensual attraction Thanks so much for watching & commenting - it's always great to hear from fellow aro-spec folks!

[@Phentex2192]

While not the main topic, you mentioned that your gender is non-binary. This kinda confuses me as your have a male pronouns pin and are undergoing a male transition. My brain doesn't compute how non-binary works with the seemingly binary male transition and would love insight on the matter. Aside from this, an excellent explanation of complicated feelings. I love the understanding that you dish out on topics that can be taboo for a lot of people. I'm just grateful to have access to this insight.

[@Uragan00829]

Oh yeah I am kinda confused too! But it's always nice to learn new perspectives, it can be quite fascinating! ^^

[@prof.evilpictures8696]

Pronouns don’t always equal gender identity! He might be more comfortable with male terms but doesn’t identify as a binary man.

[@subscribetogavitronicks5919]

For a lot of nonbinary people, while they don't see themselves as men or women, they also don't necessarily see themselves as exactly in-between or removed from the two. Think of how between black and white there isn't just one gray but multiple different shades. Just as there's lighter and darker grays some nonbinary people may see themselves as more masculine or feminine

[@impcirca1988]

There is no specific body type associated with nonbinary identities. A great many nonbinary people undergo no medical transition at all, but some may pursue hormones or surgeries or both. Similarly, different nonbinary people are comfortable with different pronouns. Nonbinary is a wide-ranging umbrella term that includes male-adjacent, masculine identities. So a person may well be "trans masculine" - ie afab but transitioning toward a more masculine expression - and also be nonbinary (not a man nor a woman).

[@millakatariina64]

Hey! I may be a different person but I'm also non-binary, so although I'm not exactly transitioning and I don't know how Kinsey himself experiences his gender I feel like I can still provide some insight into this question. My own presentation irl looks to be very fem, I wear pink and skirts and dresses (and I'm afab), so any onlooker would identify me as a girl, but even though that's the case, I don't _feel_ fem at all. Presenting in those clothes and colours just makes me feel happy and comfortable and to me they are just traits of my _own_ gender, it just coincidentally happens to look a lot like the female gender to an outsider. (Other enby people might experience this differently from how I do however) Another thing that affects how enby people might want to present is the fact that many non-binary identities are also masc or fem leaning as well, so that also affects which pronouns or clothing an enby person might want to wear or what other traits they wish to have in their presentation. For a long time I thought I might've been a demi-boy for example which is feeling like you feel somewhat like a boy but not completely which is an example of a masc-leaning non-binary identity. So basically this is to say non-binary is not a synonym for androgynous, it is just feeling like you have any other gender identity apart from strictly male or female. :)

[@stetson_newsie2600]

Oh.

[@purpleturtle2386]

So I have a few questions: 1. Does it ever go from romantic to alterous? Like in most of your examples it only went from alterous to romantic which with demiromantic I kinda get I’m just curious especially with the one guy you dated twice 2. What’s the difference between romantic attraction and aesthetic attraction? Like is it just between thinking someone is cute and cool as opposed to an accompanying emotional attraction/attachment? 3. What is a squish? Like you mentioned it in relation to crushes and meshes so is it just like a desire to be someone’s friend?

[@gckinsey]

These are great questions! 1. For me personally, if I have romantic feelings that later shift to something else, it's usually to platonic. But it has shifted from romantic to alterous a couple of times. One was a friend I had in college where my feelings went on a journey from platonic > romantic > alterous > back to romantic > back to platonic. The other was actually the guy from example 5, but that was sort of a weird situation... once I knew that he didn't return my romantic feelings (and that we would never be compatible partners anyway), I tried to make my romantic feelings go away, but they hung out in the alterous zone for a while before finally going back to platonic. 2. Aesthetic attraction is admiring/appreciating someone's looks, whereas romantic attraction is wanting to date/be in a romantic relationship with someone (often accompanied by a desire for deeper emotional and physical connection). I have another video about the split attraction model that might help clarify the different types of attraction (kzbin.info/www/bejne/h3uve6SciMydbKs), and I have one about romantic vs. platonic that might further clarify romantic attraction and behavior (kzbin.info/www/bejne/baWklGOJmruXqsU). I feel like the lines around what constitutes "romantic" are often blurry and differ from person to person, so it can also help to read a lot of different people's perspectives on it. 3. Yep, exactly! "Squish" is a term for platonic attraction that originated from the aro-spec community. So basically, if you think someone is a cool person and really want to be their friend, you could say you have a squish on them. Thank you so much for checking out these video & asking these questions! I hope the answers were helpful. :)

[@blaise6106]

ur vids r always so helpful tysm!!

[@gckinsey]

OMG thank you, I really appreciate that! =D

[@lysandergrey]

This video is really interesting and educational as someone who is starting to use arospec as a label, I did fall in love once and I've gotten crushes, but since I'm polyamorous and allosexual I'm actually not sure 95% of the time if feelings are romantic or if I just want to kiss another of my friends xP

[@gckinsey]

Thank you so much for checking out this video! It's really cool to hear from someone else who's arospec, and it sounds like alterous attraction might be a useful way to frame those times when you're not sure whether or not your feelings are romantic

[@Lemonboy2001]

I experience alterous attraction and for me I’m okay with dating the person in fact I often do just ask them out. I don’t think wanting to date a person you’re alterously attracted to doesn’t mean you are experiencing romantic feelings for me it just means well this is what I would like to do moving forward to be in a sort of life partnership it’s hard to explain.

[@Izzythemaker127]

Huh I didn't know about this term before. This is besides the point, but its interesting that its named like a form of alterior, considering that alterior isn't ever a word outside of specifically alterior motives

[@gckinsey]

I'm glad this video helped you find a new word! Thanks so much for watching and commenting :)

[@dovydasaleknavicius9741]

Heyo, noticed the pendant on your neck right away. It looks awful lot like the one coverd by the thought emporeum whitch turned out to be actually radioactive, I would recomend to do some research. Anyways, great video.

[@gckinsey]

I actually made that pendant out of polymer clay and my staples from a past surgery, so it's definitely not radioactive LOL, but I appreciate the concern anyway! And I'm glad you enjoyed the video!

[@npcmcishark7379]

Cool music

[@gckinsey]

Thank you!

[@WoohooliganComedy]

Thanks, GC. 👊

[@gckinsey]

You're welcome! Thank you for watching!

[@spudsbuchlaw]

Hang it up plurals, this one aint about us

[@gckinsey]

LOL yeah someone else mentioned that too (that "alterous" sounded like it could be related to systems). It reminds me of how the prefix "demi" has very different meanings when you're talking about gender vs. orientation

[@HelloKittyGal16]

I don't know how related, but happy someone gave me attention in elementary, didn't feel nothing when he kissed me, was I'm not sure. At the moment and later developed something more towards him. Then, at 22 was in a sudden makeout sesh cause I didn't read the signs. And I don't know what i would actually like in a physical guy. I know wholeheartedly I love butch lesbians, but what would be my actual ideal relationship, and after a long life living unsure.

[@gckinsey]

All of what you've described here definitely sounds like it could fall under alterous attraction. Especially because it sounds like you were unsure of how you felt each time. "I know wholeheartedly I love butch lesbians, but what would be my actual ideal relationship, and after a long life living unsure" >> I also have no idea what my ideal relationship would be-it's a challenging thing to try to figure out. I wonder how common that is for those of us who experience a lot of ambiguous feelings that could fall under alterous attraction. Thank you so much for watching and commenting on this video!

[@cadenisforeverbored1612]

HOLY SHIT. IM SO GLAD YOU MADE THIS VIDEO. I run out-alterous-experience on tumblr and have been trying to collect and document people’s experiences and give a space for people like us because it’s genuinely the only type of attraction i feel. i love all types of alterous attraction and im so glad you made this video

[@cadenisforeverbored1612]

HOLY SHIT. IM SO GLAD YOU MADE THIS VIDEO. I run out-alterous-experience on tumblr and have been trying to collect and document people’s experiences and give a space for people like us because it’s genuinely the only type of attraction i feel. i love all types of alterous attraction and im so glad you made this video