Am I a top or bottom? | And why it hurts the Gay community

[@c1pherx]

I have always been bothered by this. I always say I'm a top but I'll bottom for love. Life is too short to exclude anyone.

[@spangery7215]

Agreed, living that life too, bottoming for my bf sometimes, especially for love

[@davidlp6510]

@@spangery7215 I think that is an American thing. I was born and raised in Chicago but i have lived in Germany, Saint Petersburg (Russia), Madrid (Spain) and Tel Aviv (Israel). Without exception in all these places the question of me being top or bottom ever came up. For most of them we would find out who is topping or bottoming during the sex. Due to my height (6'4"or 1m90cm) normally I would top mostly because physically it would be more comfortable for both parties. But then again it had been several occasions where I bottomed. BTW it is more fun when we flip flop.

[@jjwebster1]

It's stuff like this why I hate the gay scene and have little interest in gay dating. The whole thing is full of labels and expectations and judgements and hook ups and cheating and is all corrosive.

[@PSPguy2]

Thank you!!! I'm single and more than once I've had people (str8 & gay) say they will try and find me someone to date then ask, "Are you a top or bottom?". It doesn't matter. If you fall in love with the person it works its self out. I'm old enough to remember when this was never even a question.

[@Jvhh9]

Some doors aren’t meant to be open, I tried this several times it ends in either the other wanting to open the relationship or worse being cheated on.

[@MarkovianMan]

My anecdotal observation of many gay male relationships is that top/top or bottom/bottom combinations usually end up either as open relationships or cheating situations.

[@alancook1524]

Great video Matt. My husband and I have been together for over 14 years. When we meet online he said he was an exclusive bottom. I was a top, good to go. We fell in love and married.... For the first 7 years I topped exclusively, bottoming never crossed my mind. As our relationship evolved, over the years I wondered what would it be like to bottom, cause he really seemed to enjoyed it! Lol....I asked if he would be open to topping me. He was a bit hesitant and didn't know if he could do it. I let him know that that was ok and wouldn't force him into doing anything he was uncomfortable with. I just wanted to give it a try. To make a long story short, we tried it and he's pretty damn good at! 👍 And I understand why he enjoyed it so much. 😃 What I'm trying to say is when two people love and are committed to each other, compromise and understanding is must. If you really like/love someone you have to be willing to experiment and visa versa. When you truly care for someone and want to be with them and they with you, you make work. Life is to short....Who knows you might even like it, i did! Lol

[@jasonchou7289]

Top,bottom,vers are not big deal!!! Love is love!!! Who says top can't be bottom, bottom can't be top!!! Try it ,maybe you love it!!!

[@blairsmith4563]

Het Matt, your Canadian follower Blair here with another comment.Labels need to go all together. The community is constantly labeled in one form or another. Good on you for opening the door. Now we all must follow. Keep up the good work.

[@MK-uw8qt]

Matt, you need to know that some people saying they're "vers" or open to date someone regardless of their position is like them saying they're "bisexual" or open to dating someone regardless of their gender. There's some people who have a well defined way of being turned on. It's just who they are. Some people strongly prefer to be the receptive partner, and others prefer to be the giving partner. I'll go even further and say some men can't even get turned on enough to be a Top. And some Tops may have significant pain and distress when bottoming. So, these labels and dating someone who compliments them work.

[@heathen2743]

Exactly. The people who say this are typically vers guys with chips on their shoulders. Some people are naturally dominant or submissive, and the vers guys really don’t understand that. Granted, these “dating” apps that allow you to put that detail in are just hook up apps. Meeting people in person is better anyway. These apps are horrible if you want a life long relationship.

[@teardropsdude]

Well said.....

[@MK-uw8qt]

@@heathen2743 absolutely!!! I agree with you 1000% and yes, spoken from experience, I use to say I was vers because I thought what Matt said would work for me, and try to find guys interested in love and romance, which is great, but within it just leads to so much compromise where neither partner is happy. The other bottom is mad when they have to top, and I'm mad when I have to top LOL. It just doesn't work lol. I agree with you that this is mainly vers people saying "don't care about position" because they can top and bottom and have no major issues doing both. that's great, but not all of us are like that :) I agree with you completely!!

[@theSupercasa]

Cool but where does that leave someone who doesn’t like anal sex at all?

[@davidlp6510]

@@theSupercasa Finally a kindred spirit. I like oral the most and could pass the intercourse potion of the sex without missing it. I can play a flute like no one can.

[@awoFalase]

These labels are stupid and don't serve anything.

[@echospaw899]

My husband was a total bottom. I am more a versatile, bottom. But I ended up being top only, which didn't seem quite fair. But our relationship otherwise was so good. So, it was really worth it. Compromise goes a long way. Peace.

[@mr.fremen]

so glad to have found your channel; youre helping so much. Didnt know i could relate to someones experiences this much

[@frankdlc31]

Great video Matt. It's true, we are obsessed with labels. Even when I dated, I strictly looked for Tops which limits the already small pool of gay men. I believe we should evolve our approach in dating and not limit ourselves to solely Tops or Bottoms.

[@68lonnie]

Thank you so much for speaking on this issue. 100% agree. I want to date another human being not a position.

[@Alkhemy84]

Love this vid. We definitely obsess over position to much. The irony of you saying you’re a top is that I think a lot more guys will be interested all of a sudden haha. All jokes aside, great video!

[@DJWhovian]

I agree that there is so much pressure with these labels. I feel like I've was into being a bottom because I'm not a very dominant person, but I would be open to exploring. I also think that the community is so divided and we seem to allow this division to grow. How can we expect to show people what a great community we can be if we can't get along with each other int he first place.

[@hlsilets7640]

It's a great idea to not have labels. But some tops really, really can't bottom: They find it too painful, uncomfortable and, unfortunately, completely unenjoyable. Likewise, there are bottoms who don't have the same extra "electrical charge" when orgasming as a top as they do as a bottom. And while the act of topping is generally not physically painful for a person in the top position, most total bottoms do not get the same orgasmic "high" when being a top. Obviously, it all depends on the individual. However, very broadly and generally speaking, in my personal experience while 2 bottoms might make a top, 2 tops don't make a bottom. 😃 xxx ooo

[@LenHealsU]

Matt: You're right on! It's amazing the wisdom and care that you have! Throughout my life I'm basically a top (but I also hate labels), and I've been with predominately other tops (not that I've been with many other guys). So what did we do? Answer: We either flipped a coin to see who would top first, and grinned and bore it while the other was topping, albeit we did receive some pleasure knowing the other was getting lots of pleasure out of it (giving is receiving). It's much easier and safer to be open about everything now-a-days than back when I was in my late teens and 20s (in the late 1960s and 1970s). I'm 74 now, and thank God I look much younger than I actually am, due to healthy eating, exercise, mountain biking, swimming, hiking, etc. I always wanted just 1 guy, but it was much more difficult back then. The 1 silver lining in the AIDS horror is that it made our community more monogamous. Prior to 1980 the word "boyfriend" was not in Gay lexicon. The word used back then was "lover". Many times when I was with a guy, I asked if we could see each other again, etc., only to hear the reply, "You need to leave very soon, because my lover is coming home any minute." Lover??!!!! What the hell were they doing with me if they had a lover? Oh, was I pissed and upset! 90% of Gay couples were like that back then. Another tip: Don't be afraid of rejection or a "no" answer. Better to get that response than saying "I would've, should've, could've, but didn't" years later. I was 18 when I had a crush on a friend 16. I knew he wanted it as much as I did, but we were both too scared to do anything, since we had the same circle of straight friends and our families knew each other. Afraid of all the potential vicious gossip, bullying, harassment, and worse! I found out recently that while he was in the military in Vietnam in the early 1970s, he contracted that Agent Orange, which took his life. If only I broke my fear back then, we could have had a (potential) long loving relationship and a different outcome, to which I regret to this very day. Bottom line: Do not be afraid to admit or relay your feelings. A "no" response is much better than the "what if". Matt, I said this in another of your videos and I'll say it again: You are very hot, both inside and outside, and whoever ends up as your boyfriend will be a very lucky dude! Trust me!

[@smphn333]

Thanks for addressing this Matt, couldn't have said it better myself. I used to joke around and tell guys on apps I was a verse verse 😅 in all seriousness, who cares what the position preference is. I agree it's time we do away with all of these absurd labels and double standards.

[@teardropsdude]

While going to school, the head of the Psychology Department stated how much he hates the DSM, yet is it needed in the field of work or else no one would get paid. Not a big fan of labels in any form however I think they are put out there to remind us of our personal biases. The list provided in your post is very accurate in terms of thoughts that come first, second, third, etc. Not sure where I would fit in those thoughts because as much as everyone has needs, my sexual needs deal with "Love" not "lust". If the ultimate goal is to get into my pants, I have no desire to date that person. As for my sexual preference, guess that will be for another conversation. Cool post Mr. Matt. As I always share, as long as you and those around you are happy, and no one is hurt or being hurt, that is what matters. Looking forward to future posts.

[@MrMikey1273]

I find when you meet someone in person or online one of the first questions they ask is if you're a top or a bottom. I never know how to actually answer it because I like both. I don't like to limit myself to what experience I have. So I suppose I'm vers, still I'd rather get to know what someone likes and then figure out how to enjoy being with each other than having it be a predetermined thing.

[@94ayd]

The side label eliminates those worries if you're willing to go without intercourse.

[@paulocl2]

I think that close to a 100% of bottoms ask this question right at the beginning of the conversation. I hate this. This means that he is looking for someone to fuck him, just a function, not a person. The second question is usually how gifted you are. I think that top x top can work, but not bottom x bottom.

[@MK-uw8qt]

trust me, 100% of tops ask this question to because they don't want to bottom either. Being both a top and bottom is a skill. 2 strict tops can't work either just like 2 strict bottoms. The only thing that can work is vers top and vers bottom lol

[@paulocl2]

@@MK-uw8qt We don't ask, at least I don't ask. We can usually spot it right away and that's why I don't understand why bottoms are in such a hurry to ask this question. When a top asks if the other person is a bottom it's because he doesn't want to waste his time with someone he doesn't care about. It's like a straight guy hiring a hooker.

[@Not-Ap]

No a top x top does not work at all. Not long term at least. It turns into a fight in the bedroom over control. The majority of guys do not like power struggles or find it hot Also many tops don't know how to bottom properly without pain and many don't douce right either. All that together is not sexy.

[@MK-uw8qt]

@@Not-Ap I completely agree. This is what is truly beautiful of the gay community. There is alot of bottoms out here for 2 tops to be struggling and being miserable because neither one of them can get pleasure from each other. I honestly think 2 tops can invite a bottom for a 3some.

[@parisb21]

Mat is my husband in my head lol. Great video buddy

[@MK-uw8qt]

the "labels" specifically position labels are efficient and helps us to save time. Even you admitted that 2 bottoms can just use special toys. But what if the 2 bottoms do NOT want to use special toys? lol They want the real thing. Yes, 2 bottoms for example can still love each other, but what they both want (real intimacy from real body parts) would always be missing and can create a deficit in the relationship.

[@davidlp6510]

While back I was invited by two bottoms (older guys) for a night away. They normally invited younger guys to spend the night for that specific case. They were both bottoms and had lived together for some 20 years. I to confess that it was fun to have both of them servicing me.

[@einstwareinlicht]

You are the only man on KZbin who actually answered the question he posed in the title.

[@enemyoftherepublic777]

What is he

[@juanramos.jr.7948]

I'm a top who fell for a versatile partner. I would bottom for him every once in a while to please him. I am happy!

[@ericmccurry8907]

Matt, you seem like a great guy.

[@jako6214]

You're correct, so many things we count on to attract someone. Can you get an erection? Do you have money? Are you on drugs? Or alcohol? Are you looking for a trick, a one-night stand, a friend with privileges, a life partner, or a husband. Age is a big turn off to a lot of people. Illness even more of a turnoff. Sadly, being a top or a bottom is a small consideration. The funny thing is it's the same for gay or straight. Keep up your thought provoking subjects!

[@newworldlove7031]

I'm 95 bottom but I would totally be up for topping a guy like yourself!! 😜

[@Tripper111]

Keep in mind Dude, not all of us have penetrative sex with anyone.

[@YawnyCatBird]

So like, kink?

[@94ayd]

@@YawnyCatBird also side activity

[@chadicusroboticus3115]

This is an interesting topic to discuss on your channel. 🤔 There's also some good comments below that I agree with. I think sexual positions are a necessary evil. Knowing what you like sexually is a healthy place to be. For example, if a bottom 🍑 loves to bottom 🍑 because their pleasure sensors are heightened in that area - then they should be free to identify as such. Forcing a bottom to compromise and do something their not comfortable is not ideal. Self discovery is apart of being gay and a part of developing a healthy sexuality. 💪 What I don't agree with, is the connotations that comes with your sexual position. Those labels can lead to negative perceptions about a person's character or overall identity. For example, a bottom is a bitch, or bottoms can be drama queens, or they're the "girl" in the bed. On the flip side, there can be a misconception that tops are "manly" and "butch." I think these kinds of labels and perceptions should stop. We don't need them - they're not healthy. 👏 I applaud you for take a step and talking about something that I think everyone will have an opinion on.

[@ratmon19]

Good thing I'm verse and so is my partner, but I would give both away for the right top or bottom no question.

[@techinrem86]

Well said, Matt. Glad to see you back :)

[@SARTHAK_SINGH95]

I am tired of these labels.Why to even ask? Love is all that matters, soulful connections are valued and not bodily.Love and regards from India.

[@stacyholt6529]

Well, call me old fashioned, but some labels allow me to put my efforts in the right place. I'm a bottom. I do not find topping...the positioning, the physical feeling, the muscular endurance, to be even the least bit appealing. Gor a community that hates labels, we certainly are good at creating and enforcing new labels/definitions, seemingly daily. But I for one find them a handy tool to avoid wasting time and efforts on potential incompatibility. I get it, in a perfect world, we are to fall in love with the person as a whole. But with all the other compromises a potential relationship can bring, why leave something as important as intamacy up in the air, the roles not defined? But that's just my 59 year old mind at work. While I may not agree with the general statements in the video, I appreciate you for giving us food for thought. 😉 Conversations and idea sharing is good!

[@lachic9024]

People sometime use these words as a way to bully other too.

[@basedinstinct]

Hooking up with another top, sure. There's other things we can do. But I could not date another top. That would be too big of a constraint on our intimacy. I need that position for anything that's going to be on the longer term.

[@istvanpraha]

I’m top or bottom depending on person and I also just go through phases. No clue why people always assume I’m lying

[@my1166]

It's so confusing. I am naturally very dominant person, but I am more bottom when it comes to sex. The strange part is that i tend to attract more bottom guys, because of the way I am and look. When I date top guys, they seem to feel intimidated by my confident personality. I recently dated a guy, who told me he is a top, but quickly became more submissive. I do enjoy to be a top from time to time, but generally I prefer to be a bottom.

[@my1166]

@@thewolfman775 You've got Insta? 😇

[@Koopatroopa006]

that breakdown of meeting someone new is too real.

[@aperal732]

*I can be whatever you want me to be 😘😘*.. this is what I'm going to say when I start dating 😆

[@chrismckinney6654]

Matt Thank goodness I thought I was the only one who enjoys both positions it really depends who you are with... I am from the older generation, I have never felt confined to one roll when it comes to love making... I must admit that I have never slept around and have no regrets...I started to think that i was strange for my attitude towards sex??? Guess it is strange

[@raymedel9673]

I don't like labels, I feel strange saying the word gay or queer. I'm not always happy and I'm not odd or weird, I just happen to be a man who likes men. It is a turn off for me when a guy asks me what my sex position is to start a conversation, let's just be friends and cuddle.

[@ralphmartinez8369]

There's bottoms; tops; versatile and side

[@markbeck8384]

I think this made good sense. If you get stuck in just one path to ejaculation, sex can get pretty routine and boring. It's true that most people have stuff that they need, to get off; and partners need to know the sure fire things that work; but some variety, and less labels, are healthy. If you are really attracted to someone or even in love with them, that opens many doors. Also people sometimes change over time.. so what didn't work when you were a twink might be different when your older.

[@independentpolitics3703]

sorry, but the position labeling DOES work lol. I been following your channel for years, and I never knew you were a top but when I found out you were it made me MORE attracted to you because all of the things a top can do that I want in my life (if you know what I mean lol). Even when cuddling, I like to be the smaller spoon. If you were a bottom, we could be friends, or do other stuff, but I know I can't top. My brain chemistry just won't allow me to top and truly enjoy it as much as I would bottom lol

[@pritamnikam3700]

Top or bottom doesn't exist. Active or passive exists. Because ur passive u want the active one..not top

[@DarknessIsThePath]

@@pritamnikam3700 ffs same bullshit, what has happened to the lgbt, everyone is so delusional with this woke garbage now, get out of that delusion and just do whatever the hell you want without being delusional or a hypocrite, such as saying you are gay and you have sex with women, yeah no.

[@MK-uw8qt]

you're a top, but it looks like you would like to explore a bit. that's great. Now imagine describing what you like during intimacy without the use of a position label. We use top/bottom and other labels also as a code because now and especially throughout history, gay sex was super taboo. And plus there's really some people out there who have a strong preference.

[@paulocl2]

Matt, I really think you are the dream bottom of every top...😍😍😍😍

[@vonbawasanta9033]

I've considered myself a total side

[@bijou4735]

I am 43 and sex positions never stopped me. I always just did what felt good. Really confused by all these labels just have fun.

[@andreaslindenau1190]

Come in and find out! Have. a try and you will out ! The best is you ask somebody of your religious community what is allowed, than you will be safe !

[@kev60154]

Omg I love what your are saying here ! But I am still a bottom and I feel unnatural if I top someone !!! If that makes sense How do I get past that ?

[@jasonchou7289]

Top,bottom,vers are not big deal!!! Love is love!!! Who says top can't be bottom, bottom can't be top!!! Try it ,maybe you love it!!!

[@priyankarmajumder4152]

I identify as a bottom. And I didn't choose it for myself. And I would never in my nightmare would want to top. Because my body doesn't work like that. And I know my body. At the same time I strictly want a monogamous relationship. In such scenerio you advice me how do I be in long term relationship with someone who is a bottom??

[@OnMyWaytotheFLA]

I've always thought gays are too rigid about sex positions. That kind of thing is really more applicable to hookups than relationships, but then that might explain the problem. That being said, I'm not surprised you're a top because that's the energy you give off (masculine, fairly dominant, etc.). I'm also sure there's no shortage of bottoms/vers bottoms who would date/marry you.

[@spencer3699]

What a start 😭😭😭

[@javierrivas4575]

I was just telling a group of gays, I hate labels. Why does someone have to be labeled just top, just bottom, I will don’t whatever I want in bed. That’s me but other gays I guess know what they want or like and prefer to stick to that

[@MG63]

Exactly. Personally, I don't do neither and prefer it that way. I did all that stuff years ago and it's a waste of time. Constantly worrying about what I should be doing or should not be doing. Am I pleasing the other person or doing stuff just to please them when I don't enjoy it myself. There are other ways to enjoy it without all that BS.

[@MRJLS15]

speaking so honestly big facts

[@nanlev613]

You’re referring to labels and labels turn brothers into others!!

[@quantumhealthandnutrition]

The gay community has too many labels. Everything is hyper sexualized to me. Sex first, common interests and romance later. It’s almost like people make *sex* their identity. I am naturally a sapiosexual and find the topic of sexual positions to be annoying. Where is the *depth*? Most times, spirituality is missing in most of the gay community. A great imbalance. Without some form of spirituality, life or connections are mediocre (my opinion). It is monotonous to see and hear about “Who are you fucking?” “I have $@@& many partners”. What about seeking love first?

[@MattMoore83]

I always wondered why we have so many friggin labels, ya know? As for spirituality -- totally agree. Also, I feel many gay men have thrown morals and value out the window.

[@watchkeeper1208]

Believe me....not all gay men in this planet can top or bottom in an instant like a power switch.

[@luisespinoza8391]

But isn't he whole community about labels? It claims to be inclusive but the actions of most proves otherwise.

[@awnidoshoqa5700]

I like your personality ❤️❤️

[@Jojoloon]

Ok, I have a question, its a little on the risqué and it might make people go crazy. Pineapple on pizza: yes [ ] or no [ ] . (Im a full YES)

[@kenjoneslee]

Was a very cute young guy from the Mid West. I can say with full confidence now, at age 62, that SEX is WAY WAY over-rated. Far too much focus is placed on it in the gay subculture. That's what's wrong about all the in your face sexual role advertising.

[@gestionculturalpr4548]

When are we going to see you with someone else in your videos?

[@productionemployee8032]

Bottom + Bottom =lesbians

[@Heidelbuam]

Why isnt cuddling a sexual preference :) There are sidesexuals after all:)

[@lilblackfish2009]

iam a top and ive dated a another top we make it work ,

[@delu2496]

haha, you mentioned you are open to dating another top or versatile person, so are you willing to date me? :)

[@productionemployee8032]

Top + Top= lesbiansish

[@Blue_Azure101]

Ohhh I thought he was straight

[@martintaylor4812]

Hey matt

[@jjp2052]

You are so handsome 🥰

[@valentine-p2r]

But even this video is solely about label shaming. If someone wants to define themselves as a top or a bottom and they are happy, who are you to say they need to compromise?? Why?? You don't know anything about these people, their history, their psychology, their reasoning. We in the gay community need to stop judging one another and just accept who we are for the good and the bad.

[@starbrand3726]

Sorry but I'll respectfully disagree with you. A bottom and a bottom make terrible partners. Been there, did that. It really doesn't work. You claim that both bottoms can take turns literally means that they are versatile. Two tops can work, but it usually means neither partner penetrates the other.

[@mikenelson1624]

🙈✨👍💫✌️😎

[@animeisweird4077]

Vers king

[@michelasdisappointmentanda2304]

Weird, you give me bottom energy. I cannot imagine overly emotional guys topping, its just so weird and against nature...

[@brunoangel4556]

Power top 👍👏😂

[@brunoangel4556]

Lol