My Internalized Homophobia

[@Jim1971a]

You probably feel uncomfortable if you see gay people standing out in public because you’re afraid that someone is going to say something awful or do something awful to them and that their words will hurt you too. By them exposing their orientation you also feel vulnerable as any backlash would hurt your feelings. It happens to me too. That’s probably why you want to leave the restaurant when people are talking out loud about being gay.

[@ericcory244]

Matt, I can definitely relate to what you are saying and feeling. I grew up in and still live in a very rural area of PA. I think the mindset and culture are basically the same. I find myself feeling very uncomfortable when ever the subject comes up. Although I have been out for years, I still remember the ridicule and shame inflicted on me when I was younger. I've tried to be as masculine as possible to blend in or be accepted. I've still got a ways to go toward being completely comfortable in my own skin but, I'm definitely not where I once was. 🙂

[@MattMoore83]

I go to western PA a lot for vacation and there isn't a lot of folks living there. I believe this can breed this homophobia within. Like the world around you is ignorant to this stuff because they have not been exposed to it. It's a disease. I am glad you have come far Eric.

[@DJFreeway-DJDeltoid-DJZales]

I dress like a thug with wide pants and long shirts and shirt bandannas and wide folding brimmed hats and I am not all the way straight male

[@Jojoloon]

There is often this idea that goes around basically saying that if youre gay you "must be ok with ["everything"] in the community." I am totally not a believer in this, you've touched a bit on this before in a previous video and agree with you whole heartedly. Its really cool to see youre always trying to better yourself. P.S. As someone who listens to podcasts during free time, or just have videos in the background while i do other stuff; the idea of a long video is never a problem for me. As long as youre willing to post something i will try my best to watch/listen to it.

[@MattMoore83]

Thanks jojo! :)

[@watching1513]

I think you should look into some therapy! As a gay man, this is a terrifying testimonial 😅

[@imhereforit2475]

Heterosexuality is the norm in terms of sheer numbers. So I don't find people accusing people of having internalised homophobia very helpful. Like I'm also from a Christian background and also rightfully critical of some gay cultural things that aren't me. Eg. I never understood drag queens and never will. Doesn't mean I hate them or they can't be funny to me.

[@MattMoore83]

Well said!

[@AliciaTheTroonSlayer]

Seriously I’m so tired of toxic gay men and their projects.

[@BozeDoesGodsWork]

Not all of them are toxic and some of them have truly shaped the culture behind the scenes. It’s just sad that those talented people back then couldn’t be who they truly are and reap the benefits of their hard work.

[@hadstrotheluckyguy8180]

Wow okay this was very relatable😭😭

[@aaronw7602]

Definitely think it's a location thing. It is very hard to be your true self when you feel like you're the only one who's different, especially when that "different" is made fun of and not totally accepted. I still live in a very conservative area where no one talked about being gay when I was growing up. I only learned those terms from others who would bully me in school. It really helped me when I found a community of other LGBT people and allies that made me feel comfortable enough to be my authentic self. You have so much love and support here too, Matt.

[@Selfemployedmildautisticperfor]

Kudos now this doesnt speak to who I am but did u leave out the T in the acronym intentionally or? I do like how u used the rest of it though ( going to the lovely guy in the video ) Thats my only suggestion to work on as u say your feelings say community or say the acronym and everyone well feel valued and similar I know this wasn't intentional I think hope it wasn't but I wonder why ? Its kinda commen but I'm sure others have said or thought this to Othet then that 🎸 rock on

[@MattMoore83]

It was you guys who pulled me from that crap hole. I am grateful for this!!

[@aaronw7602]

@@Selfemployedmildautisticperfor I said "LGBT" in my comment though. I probably should have added + at the end though to be more inclusive.

[@GamerGuy1417]

Gee, actually meeting gay people in real life helped me a lot, but I still feel guilty for being gay sometimes 😢

[@JoyMDors86]

I feel this too and I’m a lesbian. It’s generally the same thing too I wish it was easier not feeling guilty about it.

[@teardropsdude]

Aloha. The internal struggles we put ourselves through are rough and painful. I am not sure if feelings like the ones you shared, will ever go away. Definitely have my share of regrets, while growing up, mostly due to ignorance, and I will not deny my ignorance. "Acceptance" is a big one. Give credit to those who are accepting of everyone, of every background. I have my challenges in accepting myself. Upbringing, locations, environment, and those we associate with (personally and professionally) all play a factor. I can ramble on in hopes to find some understanding and justification, however, the bottom line is with the information and knowledge we have today, what will we do with it? For a quick post, you touched upon thoughts that may need to go deeper. There is so much I'd want to share, just not sure if anyone is willing to listen and if my thoughts are appropriate. Continue to converse. People need this, in hopes for a brighter future.

[@MattMoore83]

Well said as always! :)

[@lorenzo1660]

Good thing to let more people know what prejudice, discrimination, narrowmindedness in general and omophobia in particular cause to young people. This is not different from child abuse in the aftermath, considering the everlasting wounds they cause.

[@michaelhenault1444]

I believe we just over apologize about it. My sense of self only recognizes my sexuality as part if my identity. Thanks for being so articulate about the issue. Certain gay people are ridiculous, so be it. Anyway they don't need my approval.😂

[@2hitchin]

i respect your honesty

[@davidferguson6507]

For your own sake, you MUST return to Portland, or some other city where being out and proud is commonplace, fully accepted and encouraged. While it is very important to fight homophobia wherever you live, the ONLY way to do it effectively is when you are mentally able to do it.

[@MattMoore83]

Thank you David! I plan to get back in a better environment for myself.

[@davidferguson6507]

❤❤

[@ladreweathersby1946]

It's so amazing that the "no man with a man" verse ALWAYS leaves out the "like a woman" part.

[@maryse8]

I think you're right that sometimes it's the location where we live, but we're all struggling to accept ourselves and each other fully. We all get their eventually.

[@MattMoore83]

I truely realized it was location once I moved to a liberal area and they could not relate to me as much with these discussions.

[@JoyMDors86]

@@MattMoore83how did it make sense mort so? I’m planning on moving out of a more conservative area.

[@MattMoore83]

@@JoyMDors86 Good question. Well, it boils down to the who we are and how we relate to others. I am rural guy and grew up that way. I love rural areas but I was a sexual minority. I thought I should be in a city because there are others sexual in the city. Hardly anything in common with guys in the city besides sexual orientation. Move to an area where you are most comfortable and not on the basis of one quality.

[@michaelk622]

Thanks for the video…mine is more subtle and subconscious now but still there. Blessings all!

[@David-xm3ph]

I've watch your more important videos and have totally related to them. My advice is MOVE ON NOW before you waste your years in self-reflection and miss out on all your fantasies of what life you'd like to live. Believe me...time rolls on before you know it and you are still self-evaluating years later when you are in the declining years of life. Trust me. GET MOVING!!

[@christopher3d475]

I'm reading comments saying, 'move to a more accepting place.' I disagree. I've lived in 'more accepting' places and it didn't necessarily change my internalized homophobia. I was raised in a hyper-conservative religious family so I know all about it. You deal with that internalized homophobia wherever you are.

[@stuff1784]

I’m a femme lesbian and my story is EXACTLY like yours!!! Religion and all!

[@PhillipGiosio]

Still struggling with internalised homophobia, still trying to work on it, have a long way to go , accepting myself and others is always a work in progress

[@otterlybooked]

I am Catholic and I'm currently struggling really badly with my faith and my overall identity. I did came out as a genderfluid lesbian back in 2013 for the first time, but went back into the closet, cause people continued to tell me it was all because I was obese and just needed to lose weight to find a boyfriend. Then I found my way back to my catholic faith. But things went really downhill from then. I am actually considering going to a therapist to deal with all this. Because deep down I now know that I suffer from internalized homophobia.

[@ChristianF15cher]

Life got better when I left behind Catholicism.

[@Miller12217]

Hey, Matt, i have internalised homophobia about me. I haven't come out to my family, and I fear rejection and being made fun of. Still in the closet and afraid of being me. I'm afraid I'm beginning to hate myself because of it. Thank you for the video it really made me to reevaluate myself but i literally need help.

[@AlexanderTroy-f3n]

Gay people are different but they should not be treated differently

[@devitaromlah2866]

I know the feeling. IM 46 now. IM still try to stop myself from hating me. Because I was grow up in a very religious muslim family. I been told that being gay is sin and wrong all the time. when you grew up in the community like that you cant helped it for hating your ownself.

[@MattMoore83]

I'm sorry Devita! That is the story of so many gay men life especially around religion. So many of us is warped... I am not sure I will 100% get over it... But I want to stay at a level where I'm reasonable happy.

[@devitaromlah2866]

@@MattMoore83 yes me neither I don't think i can get over it 100% too the best thing that I do now.. i don't go to mosque .. I don't pray and I cut all religious freaks in my life that is including my family. I have to cut them out of my life or else I Will never found my peace and always angry with myself. And the result is became a bitter man. Happy but bitter.

[@WC0125]

Matt, Thank you for sharing what many of us all deal regardless of where we come from. You have the courage to honestly share your expeirences and struggles and successes which is very helpful. In listening to your life story it could easly have been a template for much of what I have dealt with and experienced all my life. It took decades but I finally had to come to accept this in myself, respect who I am and remain positive being the gay man man in whatever station, capcity, relationship or place you find yourself. The sharing of your life experiences certainly is a gift. Thank you!

[@MattMoore83]

Decades is a lot of time and struggles! I'm sure that wasn't easy! So much damage we took growing up that it does that to us. I'm glad you have overcome this!

[@davidpar2]

By virtue of the “definition” of “homophobia,” it is self-defeating right off the bat. By virtue of existence on planet earth, by the way human life is perpetuated, and by discernment, we _know_ that heterosexuality is the norm and homosexuality the exception. The only time the term comes close to being a valid one is when it’s internalized.

[@Leonion6]

Imo, drag is one of several "extreme" aspects of gay community that's past the point where support shoud stop. Like... it's healthy to have sex, but not healthy to be promiscuous. It's healthy to be open about yourself, but not healthy to scream "I'm gaaaaay!!!" with every piece of your personality, clothing, make up etc. It's ok if some guy likes to wear certain articles of what-is-considered-to-be-womens-clothing-in-this-particular-time-and-country because he genuinely finds them comfortable or genuinely likes how they suit him, but dressing in a deliberately grotesque way is hardly ok. I get where it all is coming from (people suppress their desires for years until all of that breaks free and floods their lives) so I understand being accepting of it but not supporting it. Extreme manifestations of any kind of behavior are never good. I really don't believe that drag queens and in general extremely camp "slay kween" gays would exist if the world was fully accepting of gay people and gay kids were growing up in a healthy environment, without bottling their emotions and desires up, and if they had a chance to openly socialize with the rest of the people instead of often being forced (because it's the only place where they can find some kind of support) into rather distorted "circlejerk"-like gay communities that reinforce all those extreme behaviors as some sort of rebellion for the sake of rebellion against "heteronormativity". So to me drag is like...hypochondria, for example. It's normal to worry about your health and "yes, I get it that your brain compels you to do so, but you do understand that the extent to which you're worried about your health is unhealthy and could use some therapy, right?". Accept the person and situation but don't support/reinforce the behavior. And donating to drag shows is like deliberately sending articles about all kinds of exotic infections to a hypochondriac.

[@Stephenrsm7600]

Waiting to see what your next video will be about!!!

[@Art_Dru]

Спасибо

[@AliciaTheTroonSlayer]

That doesn’t even make any sense. Why do men always try to diagnose others with some internal shame? My brother gets way more that than anyone straight bothering him. This “community” is so demoralizing to men who claim they like men.

[@videovoodoo]

Hey Matt, I think all gays suffer from some level of internalized homophobia. With all of the negativity towards us that we are exposed to, how could we not. We all deal with it in our own ways. Personally, I never turned mine outwardly against others, but rather completely internalized it toward myself, and mostly without even realizing it. And no matter how accepting of ourselves and others we are, our social environment will always have an influence on us either because of fear or plain old peer pressure. I myself, have had great difficulty in building lasting intimate relationships because of it. As far as feeling more comfortable in a "gay environment" or around the extremes of gay culture, I think that only comes with our acceptance of ourselves as being gay. The discomfort around others comes from the discomfort with ourselves. When I am around gay guys that are really obvious or even flamboyant, and I feel uncomfortable, I remind myself that they are not a reflection of me and there is no "guilt by association." And most importantly, I remind myself not to judge them for who they are, because I don't like to be judged either. Of course obnoxious people come in all colors and identities so it's perfectly acceptable to avoid them without feeling any guilt. As far as the "culture" of your living/working environment, of course that can have a huge impact on our lives and I don't think anyone can be happy and thrive in a negative environment. You should definitely move an environment where you are not made to feel uncomfortable or "less than." You are on the right path in your journey, and I hope you will find great joy in your life!

[@MattMoore83]

Human naturally get uncomfortable with something outside their comfort zone. Internalize homophobia is so strange.. it's like we turn on our own kind or in the case ourself. I'm not sure if racial minorities go through similar stuff.

[@jaya.d-gauthier1644]

That’s ridiculous. I don’t suffer from whatever some of you think everyone else has. Fix your self esteem.

[@videovoodoo]

@@jaya.d-gauthier1644 🥱🥱

[@chrisglover3171]

Hey Matt. All of us openly gay men and women struggle with internalized homophobia at some point or another. Don't feel bad or weird. We are all a work in progress and we are on our own timeline. I appreciate your honesty and bravery of sharing your truth with not only this video but all of your videos. You are growing and evolving and and I'm proud of you. Keep doing what you're doing man. 👍🏽

[@MattMoore83]

Thank you Chris! :D

[@Davidipac]

By the time I see this, I realize how true this internalized homo phobia is. As I boy I felt so attracted to masculinity. Clint walker was my secret fantasy. I encountered really horrible men who tried to assault me and that entrenched a fear of sexual interaction. I enjoyed the gay lifestyle and the repartee but anything that might lead to bed made me fearful. I was concerned that I would be inadequate physically or technically. I only recently found a loving man and I wish I was younger for him but he is worth a the years of waiting because his love has broken down so much of my internal fears.

[@AndreRewind]

You did a 9 minute video where you talk about internalized homophobia, but you forgot to say you are bisexual. It's not the same thing. Egodistonic sexuallity is deep and different into this deepness. If you were gay, internalized homophobia is another topic.

[@derrick021]

how about we finally separate homosexuality as a sexual attraction to people of one's sex from gender variations ? haven't you seen a non_gender_conforming but absolutely hetero_sexual male once in your life ?

[@techinrem86]

It sounds to me like your still trying to find yourself.

[@MattMoore83]

That or I've found myself but trying to understand who I found. :)

[@stevenmichaelpalazzolo3503]

I have it.

[@jtdilauro]

This is a great video bro.

[@zacharydunn6577]

I think it's important to recognize and fight our internalized homophobia. Most of us have it and it's not healthy. For myself, it's why I didn't come out to myself until I was 30, and then publicly this year. I knew I had those feelings and attractions, but I just didn't see it as a possibility, so I didn't consider myself gay. With what you're describing about being in public, I don't think I would classify that as internalized homophobia. I don't know what I would call it, but it sounds to me more akin to when a gay couple might be hesitant to hold hands in public, depending upon their location. I wouldn't call that internalized homophobia, so I don't think I would describe your feelings that way either.

[@ethanw1502]

I'm so glad I found your channel. I've had a hard time relating with other KZbinrs that talk about this topic, this channel is the best so far.

[@BB-or8gi]

Every single person has internalized homophobia.

[@MattMoore83]

I believe you are right! So many people are not aware they are!

[@kaymillerfromTX]

No I do not. Stop projecting your insecurities and rejections from Grindr onto everyone else.

[@LenHealsU]

Matt, you are right on.....Most of us have at one point in our lives gone through internalized homophobia, especially the older generations, when it was extremely dangerous to come out in public. We had to live a double life, merely for survival! Gay men and Gay women (Lesbians) had to cover for each other, so Straight people would think we're "normal". The words "queer" and "sissy", "fairy", etc. were more derogatory for me than the word "faggot'. Queer used to have the meaning, semantic overtone of circus freak. 10% of the population is Gay (round figures) and 10% of the population is left handed. So, what's the difference? None. We are normal human beings with a different inherent physiology. And regarding the Bible, The English translation from the ancient Hebrew / Aramaic lost a lot of the original true meaning. I could explain further another time. Oh, by the way, if the Homophobes are so worried about adhering to every single (English) word in the Bible, why don't they follow the 10 Commandments?! Attacking, ridiculing, harassing, etc., someone in public is a form of murder (Thou Shall Not Kill). They selectively choose what a sin is according to their own egotistical self-serving agenda. I wrote this in another of your magnificent videos and don't know if you or the other viewers / listeners saw it, if so, please pardon the redundancy. Here it is: When I was 18, I had a deep crush on a friend, 16. I knew he wanted it as much as I did, but we were both too scared to act upon it, for fear of our circle of (Straight) friends finding out, all the vicious gossip, bullying, harassment, and worse! And our families all knew each other. This was back in 1966. I'm 74 now. Subsequently, I found out he was in the military in Vietnam in the early 1970s, contracted that Agent Orange, which took his life. I would've, could've, should've, but didn't! If only I did.......and I regret that huge mistake on my part to this very day. Two big lessons from this: 1) Better to get a "no" answer or "rejection" than to go through life saying to yourself "What if"! 2) Don't worry about what others will think or judge, especially if you don't even know them; that will adversely affect your happiness! I came out to more long time straight friends and family this past year than I did in all the years since I was born put together! Thank God I look much younger than I am, due to healthy eating, hiking, mountain biking, swimming, etc., so, I hope there's still a chance for me to find that special someone!

[@MattMoore83]

Gosh dude that is such a sad story. :( If you both made that move I wonder what the outcome would have been.. But you are right because we cannot change the past. Thanks for the advice and hope you find a special someone!

[@martintaylor4812]

Hi

[@MattMoore83]

Hi!

[@mrlynx68]

I need someone’s help / advice. I am a transgender man who likes men. The thing is, I hate being trans. It took me forever to accept it and eventhiugh im pre-T I have worked my voice and appearance enough that I pass 99% of the time (which is amazing and I’m thankful for) The problem is, I’m pretty sure ( I hate saying this) I’m gay. I say I’m unlabeled or sometimes maybe bi but I’m pretty sure my internalized homophobia is trying to make me like women. I hate that part of myself. I wish j was “normal” I wish I wasn’t trans. I wish I liked women atleast! I desperately need help trying to accept myself. Please if there is another guy out there who is in the same boat as me… give me help :( Thank you

[@jackfriend4u]

not in the same boat...but sure do hope you've found some support in the last year. you can be a trans man and be into men. you're allowed...you've got to allow yourself that much. You ARE normal. stay strong mate! best wishes.

[@mrlynx68]

@@jackfriend4u howdy bro. I actually ended up dating a woman and…. It didn’t go well- felt like kissing a rock. I am definitely gay and have actually started to accept it slightly. I’m okay with close people knowing now but still struggle. Thanks for ur kind words man

[@jackfriend4u]

@@mrlynx68 hey mate , good to hear there's been some positive developments in your life. things might take longer than you'd like and i only hope you can surround yourself with more progressive and kind heated people. good to find a space (be it in your mind or physically) where you can just relax and be yourself, and not have to worry what others think. it's good that you dated that woman though (it mightn't feel that way to you or her!) cos at least you were able to confirm something about your feelings. you might've already read it but maybe have a look at the book by Elliot Page (who was once Ellen Page) an excellent and well-known actor. he acknowledges that his own experience is likely to be quite different from many other trans folk (being famous, being very much in the public eye, having money and access to medical things etc), but it is a very good read, sweet, poignant and ultimately very hopeful...as well as there being a lot of Hollywood "goss", hehe! good on ya for exploring and learning and keeping it together mate. don't lose hope and continue to stay strong!

[@bellbran]

Thank you for sharing. I understand what you're going through. ❤

[@bellbran]

What I find difficult is understanding how to move through it. Perhaps some of it is through talking about it. It gives me shivers.

[@wenami]

This is the problem with religion. Mainly Christianity

[@BlueIvory4]

You think this isn’t a problem with Islam and Judaism lol

[@Miss-V123]

Not only Christianity. All religions Islam, Buddhism, Judaism etc preach the same message against homosexuality. Even non religious cultures have the same message.

[@fourthcasper6161]

Bruh, christians in america arent beheading and throwing gay people off of buildings in the middle east

[@hlsilets7640]

Unsolicited advice: Try to move somewhere cosmopolitan -- a big city with a large LGBTQ+ population. If you lived in the Castro District of San Francisco, for example, you wouldn't have these feelings of paranoia in public. Red State Backwards Town USA will make you feel that way for sure.

[@MattMoore83]

Hi H L, thanks for the advise. I lived in Portland Oregon for a few years and most of the internalized homophobia subsided. I became confident in who I was but it got worse when I moved back to a rural environment. :/ I hope one day to back there to an accepting environment.

[@Cat_egg1]

most of the people in my country are homophobic so yea.. lol i think i have a little internalized homophobia

[@Fred-nv8gf]

Religion is sinful.