Am I Wrong For Suspecting That My Daughter's Boyfriend Being Secretive Is Bad? r/Relationships

[@richardkeller346]

Some of those people saying that the boyfriend is probably a Seal, Ranger, SpecOps or whatever flavor of special forces those think, have clearly never met anyone from those communities. You can't get most of those guys to shut the hell up about being Special Forces.

[@DemonAngel]

As someone who is married to a Ranger, they will talk about the stupid shit they did (like using someone to open a door during training lol), not a lot about other things.

[@rhanerenai2797]

Definitely. Even if they really can't say what they do at present, they won't shut up about being in sp force 😂

[@immapotato1]

redditors don't know how real life works and their concept of reality is clearly from TV shows where every next person u see is some secret elite. the entire story was WTF and then comments made me think wtf are these people smoking cause this feels like a grifter....

[@marcusbergman6116]

I'd rather guess he's in intelligence. Maybe some kind of analyst. Job's technical, confidential and rather boring so he shuts up about it.

[@maddydavidsdottir9862]

Yup my dad is ex SAS and so was my bio grandad, the rule is that NO ONE should ever know your SAS, not even your family, but reality is, your immediate family and closest friends 9x outta 10 know that you're SAS

[@anonymouse9833]

S1 lol as a former intel analyst for the military, I'm 99.99% sure the boyfriend isn't some secret squirrel, military or otherwise. Even the most classified jobs and projects have unclassified things you can talk about ("I work on computers, I'm just an analyst, I give boring briefings, etc") and your middle name is never classified 😂 Bro is a conman.

[@mickymcbryan4814]

My father has done and does classified work with the Canadian equivalent of the FBI. Like, super classified. Like, if he talks about the wrong things he’s in legal trouble classified. Things we know and he’ll openly share: His coworkers first names, where he was born, his family, his friends, even some old anecdotes of his service without getting into specifics like “once I had to pepper spray a cow and I cried when I got home cause the cow didn’t deserve that.” We even know what kind of jobs he generally does, hostage extraction, busting human trafficking rings and such. It’s just specifics like names and details and places we don’t know to keep identifying details to a minimum. And we DEFINITELY know his middle name. This guy does sound to me like he’s running some type of scam.

[@sapphicgeek24]

​@@mickymcbryan4814 um why did he have to pepper spray a cow?

[@jetrics0124]

​@@sapphicgeek24 gotta pre-season the steaks

[@Frostfern94]

@@sapphicgeek24The cow was making the mooo-ves on him

[@dre1978]

I was thinking the same😂 my family has a lot of military members/vets plus a lot of family friends met in the military. Even the super high rank special forces guys will tell you a water down version of what they do in the military or they have a specific backstory ready to go in their back pocket

[@m0n0chr0maticRainb0w]

People acting like the mom is overreacting is wild, I had a boyfriend who was shady about his past and didn't introduce me to his family or old friends, only his online gaming buddies, I found out after breaking up with him that he had been married the entire time with a wife in a different state. She and I compared notes and found out he would lie about work trips and such to see me or fly me places to see him and then lie about not wanting to disturb his roommate to justify him always video calling me just from his office. I'd bet real money Ops daughter is an unknowing / unwilling side chick.

[@giovanilevin616]

Ironically, if the daughter had posted her doubts instead of her mother, Reddit would have been on fire over a hidden family on the spot. But if it's the parent, we see so many entitled parents on these posts, they will just dismiss them even if their worry are justified. Reddit is not fair and a lot of peoples use the anonymity to spew their venom.

[@jasminerobertson4913]

The mother should mind her business a bit. It's not her life. Although I acknowledge that she can have her concerns, she needs to take a step back. Stop playing interrogator.

[@aduckofsomesort]

But he hasn’t done anything that is shady. And 0P says her daughter knows nothing about him then describes a bunch of things her daughter knows about him. Why does Opie need to know every single detail about him? Him not being a full open book to every person doesn’t mean he is being creepy or weird.

[@dionysus_adores]

Yeah it's very concerning that gf only knows a few hobbies after being with him for a few what sounds like quit a while. Op doesn't need to know everything, but at least his middle name should be ok.

[@cniknik9863]

Right! Reddit however assumes any concerned parent is somehow obsessed or overly involved with their children. Even as an adult, my parents have told me that their main priorities will always to keep me safe. And if I was dating a sketchy dude, they'd have things to say.

[@taylorslade961]

Story 1: I am a former military spouse and I advise caution with this one. Unless there is absolute proof of current or former service, don't believe a man that claims military service. And a military ID is the ONLY proof that is absolute. There is a certain type of man that will straight up lie about being in the military, learn the jargon and procedures, and even buy surplus military supply to try to flesh out their lie. This is even more sus if OP isn't in a military town, which it doesn't sound like they are. The people that do that tend to have anger issues and possibly violent tendencies, so be careful.

[@kateajurors8640]

This these guys are not even stable enough to get into army infantry soldier (and let's be real even ones who get thro tons are toxic AF and tons of SA is still covered up ect.) These guys will hang out around a bunch of military people and especially bars and learn the lingo and such and can con even active people for a bit but not for too long so I don't think the grandpa would be able to tell. But like you said THESE GUYS GET VIOLENT. They couldn't even make it in military but wanna play soldier boy and want to be "respected as a man" kind of shit

[@TessuDraws]

God forbid a mother be worried for her daughter... All the stories of toxic parents have poisoned Reddit's mind and now even 100% understandable worry from a parent gets labeled as toxic, overbearing and abusive. These people sound sad.

[@kayq3231]

None of them are parents. I'm not a patent but even I understand the worry and suspension she has. I'm glad the daughter finally does too.

[@paperkay]

So when you were 21 and your mother hired a PI to snoop on your partner, your thought was: "Mommy loves me so much!" Don't expect your kids to be in contact with you if this is how you involve yourself in their relationships, honey.

[@skyelindsey687]

My main issue is the fact the daughter is upset that he’s respecting her boundary regarding sex. That in and of itself is above reddits pay grade.

[@jam2727]

The situation is suspect and should be a concern and talk for the DAUGHTER. The mother is sticking her nose in things and her way of talking throws up its own set of red flags. The PI thing wasn't phrased like a joke, she's trying to attend the conversation, and she hasn't updated since so I'm making an assumption that something happened that she might think paints her in a bad light (ex. Bf was actually in the military, OP stepped over a line during the big interrogation) and doesn't want to admit something. Even the way she replies to people, honing in only one or two things she thinks will prove the commentor wrong without addressing the entire message. Like she's hypersensitive and you have to say things a certain way or not at all or she gets passive aggressive/ aggressive aggressive

[@cniknik9863]

For real! My parents trust my judgement but if they caught some red flags that I haven't they would definitely tell me and emphasize how concerning they are. Heaven forbid the guy is crazy or criminal, and their child ends up hurt or worse.

[@SK98765]

Id love an update to story 1. That was pretty suspicious. If you've been together for 2 years you should know more about him, because if the relationship isn't progressing then it's a waste of time.

[@Whitneypyant]

Not really because the boyfriend could have a really bad upbringing and doesn’t want to talk about it.

[@2twinhoes]

@@Whitneypyant he could still tell her very basic information the first three years - 5 years of dating you’re getting to know that person. If the first two years you don’t know shit it’s not gonna last cause it’s like what do you guys connect with if you barely know anything about them

[@QuayHollywood]

​@Whitneypyant, if that was the case, he could say he doesn't want to talk about it or that it's hard for him to talk about. But basic things like where he grew up or school's he went to or his middle name are just like basic things people would tell someone they've been with for 2 years.

[@Daydream_N]

​@@Whitneypyantokay but they don't even know his middle name?

[@thomasjoseph5876]

This is how stories of "2nd Families" happen. If your partner is not willing to share their life with you, past, present, and future plans, they are NOT worth investing your time, effort, and money into them. If they will hide things from their past from you and have no remorse about it, they will easily hide other things such as affairs, addictions, etc.

[@colleens1107]

Story two: the update makes me agree with that commenter who said his wife DOES love him. That her abusive ex did a number on her views of what love is. But I think the safe and home comments are indicative that she does love OP but doesn’t have the ability to recognize it. She needs to see a therapist

[@QueenOfTheZombieApocalypse]

Agreed. There have been a few posts on Reddit that started out similar and it turned out that the person saying they didn’t love their spouse just had a very traumatic past where the term “love” became something horrible to them. A person doesn’t spend that many years building a happy home, life and family with someone else without love.

[@erickaennis2738]

I agree. The ex really hurt Op. She does love him. He makes her feel safe and at home. She does need therapy, though. Sex life, healthy. Good wife and mother. Faithful. Hell that's 3 out of 3. Op is a keeper, though. He's sweet, loving and devoted.

[@thomasjoseph5876]

I don't think she or they should have any sort of therapy. She obviously does love him and she loves him the same as most do in long-term marriages. If she goes to therapy, she might just decide (probably incorrectly) that she is "missing out" on something that probably does not exist in real life or is literally unattainable for most people and then either leave the marriage or stay and resent the OP and the marriage. She is broken and "the fix" might be more damaging than being broken since she has learned to deal with being broken and still have a very happy life, marriage, and family.

[@wmdkitty]

@@thomasjoseph5876 BS

[@B1ack_1otus23]

Yeah, either that guy in the first story is a former felon who is still in criminal activity, or he got a secret family. Or both

[@grimdarkmalarkey5402]

If the guy from story 1 was really in the military, he'd be venting to her about all the stupid things his coworkers/higher ups were doing. My aunt has so, so many stories.

[@clownsnatch6939]

story 2: i think she doesn't realize she actually loves him. I never felt intense passion or butterflies for anyone, but i do know i deeply love my partner. I sacrifice for them, I care for them, and want to be with them always. A lack of butterflies and fire in the stomach doesn't mean you do not love your partner.

[@Frostfern94]

That really calms me actually. Cause I never felt butterflies or anything for my partner, so I was worried even though I know I love her.

[@thomasjoseph5876]

Most people don't and those that do, usually need to "chase" that feeling over and over again when it slowly goes away in their marriages. The excitement of "new love" it is called. It's fleeting and serves the purpose of only latching you on to a partner you wish to date or marry. She is broken and if she goes to therapy there is a very real chance she will decide she needs to chase after that feeling that will never last because it isn't supposed to last. It's just a "warning system" telling you to stop looking as you have found "a match". If she stays, she will probably start to resent OP and their marriage. This is an example of "the cure" will probably be worse than "the disease".

[@bernieheartdragon1888]

Story 1. He’s a Vampire!

[@alumys1288]

I had the same thought. That's what I get after hours of Dr. Hollowed

[@mbyerly9680]

No, a werewolf. That's why she doesn't see him very often.

[@GoldenXBoots]

✨This is the skin of a killer, Bella!✨

[@catsncrows]

Reddit Seduce the boyfriend 😑😑😑 These are people's lives not a novel. I love reddit but the unhinged factor is there

[@bryn1063]

also ewww. Hes her daughters bf and age why would she be into him? That one redditors watching way too many weird fanfics

[@panicwithcompulsion]

I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck that is supposed to accomplish xD? So she successfully seduces him and then what? Her life is ruined and so is her family's. I think most people would rather have their partner cheat on them the normal way - with a stranger.

[@catsncrows]

@@bryn1063 exactly!

[@mdlizzy]

S2 is so confusing. Everything she says she feels for her husband sounds like love to me. I think she is terrified to be vulnerable enough to say she loves her husband because of the abuse.

[@treco2583]

I agree!! I think she does love him; she’s just confusing the “butterflies and lust” for love. It’s really heartbreaking. She really, really NEEDS therapy. 💔

[@kaykay8855]

Past relationships can do that to you.

[@thomasjoseph5876]

I think he either needs to leave things as they are or leave the marriage. If she goes to some therapy, she might find out she THINKS (most likely incorrectly) that she is "missing out" on something that isn't even real when it comes to a loving relationship and that she would probably never find. Thus, this would then either push her to leaving or living a life and marriage she would now resent.

[@jake8748]

Yeah she thinks the limerance or honeymoon phase is love. I think her and OP skipped that part though by being friends with benefits and then having a kid so she's never actually had the honeymoon period as such.

[@Greenwren]

I mean, maybe she's aromantic.

[@TheVeggiekat]

Story 1 - I just broke up with a guy like this. I was former military and had gotten very good at snooping so I knew enough about his past without him telling me but problem was, HE did not want to share with me. It didn’t matter what I found out. What mattered was he did not want a strong and open relationship. He had an avoidant attachment style and only wanted me at an arm’s length and very compartmentalized. It was a deal breaker. I needed real connection not his resume.

[@CensorshipVictim]

Story 1: my aunt when she was 18 started dating a guy who when questioned by my grandmother refused to answer, just normal questions about his family, work, etc. My aunt was devastated when he dumped her, years later that same guy was a famous serial killer from Wisconsin.

[@maheenahmed6653]

I’m sure people were joking but I like how they turned op saying that she and more importantly her daughter don’t know what is pretty basic info about this guy and people are like “WELL MAYBE HES A SECRET AGENT SPY MAN IN THE MILITARY!” like no those are red flags that the daughter doesn’t even know pretty basic info.

[@kyriacarica5862]

As a hyper vigilant, anxious adult raised by eggshell parents who always fought and threatened each other in front of their kids, I can tell you that feeling safe around a person = love.

[@thelochnesshack3932]

Story 2 is so bittersweet, I hope those two turn out alright

[@ivorydragon]

S1: people are really treating OP's very VERY Real concerns about daughter's partner very dismissively. like, I think it's fair game for her to be concerned about someone she doesn't know????? edit: the people who say op is overbearing and controlling are the same people who'd be shocked and say they never saw the signs when someone gets murdered by their partner.

[@psychickumquat]

Yeah, Reddit is ridiculous about parents' concerns. Any modicum of concern automatically makes them "narcissistic" and "controlling". It's insane. OP was 100% right to be concerned here, it IS very strange that he's so secretive to her daughter after two years. Combine that with the grandiose claims, very expensive cars... yeah, it's extremely odd. Not necessarily malicious, but it would make me concerned too.

[@brianaschmidt910]

Yeah. I haven't finished but I got as far as retired vet grandpa, op's concerns seem reasonable. Two years, and you don't even know who he is? Girly needs to breathe and take a step back. She doesn't have to break up (yet), just don't accept a proposal until you know him better. Hell, even just a "I don't speak to my family" More red flags than a Chinese pride festival. (Pride in China, not a fest for chinese gays)

[@MountainPearls]

Eh…maybe/maybe not. Daughter may have her on a “information diet” for a reason we aren’t being told.

[@ivorydragon]

@@MountainPearls not when even the daughter's in the dark

[@gustavedore1073]

Story 2: This is the problem in the way we see love in our society. We think it must always be fireworks and butterflies, but sometimes, it is just warmth and safety. The problem is not OPs wife, not loving him. The problem is their uncommunicated difference in how they think about word love. I, however, agree that it would be a good idea for her to go therapy because of her trauma.

[@Quixotic_Dreamer]

Story 1 has me shaking my head at the ppl responding to the post. Tell us your relationship with your mothers are terrible w/o telling us your relationship is terrible. Too much reddit, not enough grass and interpersonal connection.

[@jboy804]

Story 1: Biggest red flag of lying of being in the military is the 2 nice cars. Guy's an orphan (AKA no familial support), on a military salary, and somehow owns two very nice cars? Major red flag. Those do no add up. Or, he has two VERY expensive leases which show very poor financial judgment. Still a major red flag.

[@KadeStringer2.0]

Wow you don’t know anything

[@Ashakat42]

​@@KadeStringer2.0How so? Military members make bumkiss. They qualify for food stamps. Maybe educate yourself before speaking.

[@cm4n63]

@@Ashakat42i went to college for free and had my car completely paid for in the dealership because of the military. It's really not what you're describing, necessarily. He also could've very easily inherited that money, seeing as he, y'know, does not have parents.

[@psychickumquat]

​@@cm4n63 If he was an orphan though, seems extremely unlikely he'd even had an inheritance, no? And if it came from adoptive parents, I'd think he'd have told her. Something just doesn't add up with this guy.

[@cm4n63]

@@psychickumquat can you explain why exactly he wouldn't have an inheritance? For all we know, his parents were stupid rich and he's being secretive so he doesn't end up with a gold digger he doesn't have to be a conman drug dealer or whatever

[@trishnjasperCarnivorePack]

Story 1 the commenter AlphaCharlieUno had it right I was with a guy who had a ton of Military brags. He even passed on where he went to basic and would have been stationed. He did his research well, his story didn't fall apart until he tried to talk to a coworker of mine that was former military. Turns out he was discharged for lying about having asthma and was hiding what an abusive POS he was.

[@aduckofsomesort]

Butterflies aren’t love. Butterflies are from temporary crushes.

[@TheMrKristens]

Story 2: She really does love OP. I think so many people believe a false narrative on what love actually is. Feeling home IS love. Wanting to come home to that...love. Dismissing others left and right because they are 'off'...that is love. Butterflies are supposed to fade and marriage shouldn't be a rollercoaster of fights. It should be routine and know what to expect. Truly. And it is the best part of it. Not having anxiety over how your spouse will react...etc. No way. This seemingly mundane type of love is what is the best. And it's why so many marriages get flushed because one person decides to cheat thinking this isn't love only to find out they had the world. I am so happy for OP and his wife. While she may have a skewed definition of love, they have the best kind of love. Many years of happiness OP!

[@Because-rt8qs]

She went through a checklist of qualities like buying a car. And, most importantly , didn't care how he felt about being treated like a commodity. That's not love.

[@randomusername3873]

"My daughter's boyfriend won't even tell her what's his name, am I in the wrong for being worried" Reddit: "you must be a narcisist" What

[@juukyuchan]

Story 2 : that's love. That's the best love. The love that holds in time. Not a crush. Not lust. Genuine everyday love.

[@dja3456]

0:12 Markee you looked so adorable. Giving orange cat energy. Your gf/wife is a lucky one to see that everyday 😊

[@starbird3939]

Story 2 I think people realize that love is more than just that instant bright burning love. I feel really love starts as a bright fire, but then changes to that warm smolder. Where the company and the little things matter more than the grand gestures that people do on first dates. Now that said, you can stoke the flames with dinner nights, 2 person trips, and maybe a surprise.

[@carlrood4457]

My dad was deployed during the Korean War. When he got off the boat, they handed him a rifle and he immediately knew he was in the wrong line. He had a support role well behind the front lines, like most soldiers. I'm also in IT and have worked alongside a ton of ex-military guys. Not many "war stories" to be heard.

[@Ashakat42]

We save those for each other. Go on any military posting site, and you will see us talk openly. It gets tiring when people wanna hear "the stories" then you end up in the HR department because someone thinks that you are too dark or a problem.

[@poetryqn]

Story 1: According to OP's comments, the BF is only 23. Two great cars, 4 languages and a secret job? I dunno, neither the military nor a hidden family feels right. I'm getting a criminal vibe - something illegal and lucrative. The fact that he picked a girl from a small town says he's looking for something safe and unconnected to whatever he does 2 hours away. And he's honoring her no sex rule for two years? None of these puzzle pieces fit together easily. I'm anxious for an update.

[@HoodieHorizon]

The commenters of story 1 are wild. They're just like "yeah it's perfectly normal to not know a thing about someone you're in a committed relationship with, you're just being super paranoid and controlling for wanting to know literally any info about him" like ???

[@wilderchannel6879]

Dated someone for a few months, he was also super secret and in the military, claimed he didn't have social media because of his military career, but I even met his friends/some family (I knew his brother) he met my family (knew my family from childhood) so we were enmeshed pretty quickly, turned out he did have social media, and a whole ass fiance 😂 EVERYONE on his side knew, his brother was the one to tell me once he found out we were seeing each other, (me and him are still good friends) but apparently he did that sort of thing pretty often and he would bring women around more of his military buddies who supported and did the same 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@fendisugiri1247]

Story 2: I've never experienced 'in love', and reading this kind of story seems to give me a glimpse of my potential married life and it's surprisingly... Okay? Maybe not very exciting, but stable. I always thought that everything, even friendship and marriage ultimately boils down to what benefit you can extract from it. But these benefits need not be material, and can be as simple as joy, laughter, empathy, having lunch together, etc. I had fun, they had fun, everybody's happy.

[@Deedoof]

Story 2: Real love is a slow, long burn with no extreme highs or lows. People who have been in abusive or volatile relationships misunderstand stability as boredom or "safety", while fights and general discourse equals "passion". I think once OP's wife gets therapy to understand her feelings, the relationship could flourish.

[@QueenOfTheZombieApocalypse]

The way she was speaking about love, my guess is that one or both of her parents were in very toxic, volatile relationships as she was growing up and explained away terrible behavior in the name of ‘love’. Therapy is definitely a good plan for her/their relationship

[@lynettemacdonald3957]

Get a private investigation done on him .He's very suss.

[@SMey54]

Marriage counseling is not about changing your partner, but being honest and learning to handle what is.

[@sidepai]

Story 1: I work a job that has a pretty strict NDA, and I can't go into detail about the nitty gritty with my partner. However, my partner knows the basics of what I do, and what I can discuss. Also having grown up with family members in the military, the bf's extreme secrecy has me raising an eyebrow in suspicion. Hopefully there's an update, cuz right now the only thing I'm thinking is: 'A sack of 💩 covered in glitter is still a sack of 💩'

[@3ratsinatrenchcoat]

that one story (24:50, 25:43, 26:00...) is giving aromantic. also, this is why aromantism (and asexuality) needs to be more known and talked about, that way people like OP's wife can have a word to communicate her feelings (she sounds frayromantic specificly too). as someone who is aro-spec, I can definetly relate. I can love in other ways, just without romantic feelings.

[@hodgeelmwood8677]

Story 1: Either he grew up in a really bad situation, maybe did some time in jail, etc, and is embarrassed by his background; or (more likely), OPs daughter is a side piece. The frequent travel "for work," the secrecy (knowing his middle name would make it easier to track him online, you don't need a lot of social media for that), the fact he lives two hours away? Sus as hell. He's hoping to wear her down and get into the physical side of the relationship. Or, I suppose he could simply have a very toxic family and wants to make 100% sure his new GF is never subjected to them.

[@QueenOfTheZombieApocalypse]

Story 2: “True love isn’t something you find. You make it” She does need therapy for her past trauma, but it sounds like they have been making that true love together for a long time now and they will be ok.

[@imajinallthepurple]

Tbh, my first thought about the guy in story 1 was that he had some sort of PTSD and didn't want to talk about his time in the military. And as I understand it it's quite common for US veterans to get jobs that require quite a lot of secrecy afterwards? 🤔

[@franciebelcher4594]

Army Vet here. Much of what said is true. However giving a simple MOS is nothing. I don't trust him. While in service, I worked with too many ppl that bragged about this type of sick behavior, 2 not c this man as a red flag.

[@Ashakat42]

I am a veteran who had a clearance. You can talk about things and others you can't. Also having PTSD doesn't cover not letting your loved one in. The mom might not know things, but if the daughter doesn't, she's an idiot for marrying this guy. I am pro private eyes if you have to. Pay now to save a shit ton of woes later.

[@cheesedemon88]

S2: I think a lot of men don’t understand how big of a deal it is for a woman to feel safe with a man.

[@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259]

We do. Anyone man who doesn't doesn't have common sense

[@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259]

Or is autistic

[@NigraeLegiones]

I think its stupid and unfair to judge every man for the actions of a very few, but I now will never trust nor feel safe with a woman in a romantic sense so I understand to a point.

[@nyxspiritsong5557]

This one reminded me of my journey with my current partner. My feelings towards my ex fiance were like a scary but exhilarating roller coaster. My current partner feels more like slipping into a relaxing bath after a crap day...,. No where else I'd rather be. I had to learn that love can be many things but that just because I don't get butterflies in my stomach every time I see him, I love seeing him every time. I hope op and his wife get thru this and come out the other side stronger

[@panicwithcompulsion]

As someone who has multiple family members in the 'secret government bullshit' sector, they can absolutely tell you quite a bit about their jobs. There is no reason for this gf to not know what her bf of two years does for work, especially if he is legitimately in a secret or higher clearance. This guy is sus. If you know the job title, you can even search up the world's vaguest job description on Google. They can tell you where they work most of the time, job title, VERY vague job description (managing people, doing network security, doing w/e the fuck engineers do, physical security), and even some of the day-to-day activities if those parts are not going to compromise security (idiot coworker, junk in the new office, 'average' stuff we all get).

[@tabytha7636]

The part that gets me is " It always fizzled out", " The feeling never lasted so she removed herself from those situations"......ummmmm So if she meets someone where those feelings don't fizzle out she's either going to cheat or leave him....

[@shylavender]

She’s been with her boyfriend for TWO YEARS and still knows almost nothing about him? Yeah, that is sketchy as hell. People accusing OP of being “a narcissistic nosy helicopter parent” are clearly not parents themselves. He’s hiding something for sure, and OP’s motherly intuition is screaming at her that something isn’t right, so she should listen to it. Not meeting ANY of his family or friends etc after all this time is super weird too. I hope OP’s daughter either gets the truth in the end or breaks up with him, because this is not a healthy relationship. It’s barely even a relationship to be honest.

[@erickaennis2738]

Mom is onto something. Her daughter doesn't know anything about her boyfriend. Not even what school he went to. He's too secretive. Plus, her daughter has expressed discomfort to her mom that she doesn't know anything about him. Soooo.... something is off.

[@ZomBeeQueeen]

In this day and age you can find a life story with a phone number. For military- you’ll know they are spec ops cus they will tell you first 😂 but honestly even the super secret squirrels know to say something more substantial to prevent this kind of suspicion, so I don’t think he’s anything like that. You tend to find wannabes or the least important folk who act this secretive.

[@ComaLies225]

Story 2 update sounds like she does love OP but in her own way

[@ancestormoth]

The way the wife described her experience in story 2 makes me think she could also be either aromantic or on the aromantic spectrum. Some people just genuinely cannot feel romantic love or only feel it sparsely, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love their partner in other ways. It can be connected to trauma or be separate entirely, but either way her not loving her partner romantically doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him in other ways.

[@eeeeeels]

Story 2: My Ex constantly threatened to take away my stability after he made me rely on him. He'd pour love on me the one minute. Then treat me like I was replaceable the next. I was on edge constantly. It made me obsessed with getting any sort of positive attention. Molded me into something I wasn't. I thought that obsession was love for a long time. The one commenter about butterflies is right, I felt that because I felt he would drop me any moment and he made me think I would have nowhere to go. Thankfully he was wrong. I'm with someone who would never do anything like that to me, he's an honest and straightforward person who wouldn't hurt a fly. Sure I don't feel "butterflies", but there's no one I'd rather spend the rest of my life with.

[@mewmedic]

People are assuming so much negative shit about the mom is so stupid. She is totally goddamn valid.

[@Sworddove]

Story 2 - She loves you, she's just not in lust with you. Love lasts, lust does not. Also, love is a choice, an action and not just a fleating emotion.

[@Sworddove]

No, she just doesn't understand the difference between love and lust. She's mistaking lust, that fluttery exciting feeling for love. She doesn't realize that that safe, warm, trusting feeling is the real love. It would be far more accurate to say that she's not in lust with him. Again, it's the lack of understanding, not lying. She's not lying if she doesn't properly understand the two.

[@whitneylivingston5706]

Story 2) I hate how people only define love as a feeling. I would totally never want to be with someone who only defined love love as an emotion because emotions a fickle and change and will lead you astray very quickly. Love is actions and how you treat someone, despite how you feel.

[@DaniS398]

Exactly! Love is a choice and actions, not feelings.

[@michellebolyard1388]

EXACTLY 💯

[@Because-rt8qs]

If it didn't involve feelings we could just all arrange marriages. He didn't agree to an arrangement. She did. He didn't.

[@whitneylivingston5706]

@@Because-rt8qs there are four different Greek words that were translated into the English word “love”. Eros is the emotion you are talking about, and while it’s good to have with your spouse, it’s also easy come easy go and you can fall out of it as fast as you fall into it. Agape is the verb love and that is what husbands and wives should have between each other. 9 times out of 10, your emotions follow your actions. When you Agape someone, it is very easy for the Eros to quickly follow suite. The problem with our world today is they get it backwards… they fall into the emotions and the actions only a side effect of that. As soon as the emotions stop, the actions stop. That is why the divorce rate is what it is today.

[@sweeneytodd1414]

Story 2: yep she loves OP, like I guess no strong physical attraction but who really cares. She feels at home and safe and I think that's pretty much what I would say a relationship should have

[@Mr.andMrs.Smith_0420]

I don't understand why everyone is giving this woman so much sh*t about wanting to know more about the man dating her daughter? It's even more concerning that the daughter herself doesn't know more about him.

[@cheergiver]

My husband was in special forces for a while. They can’t talk about mission /work stuff but there’s no rules about talking about your personal life. And there’s still probably a vague title like “medical planner” “pj” “Ranger” whatever

[@LaviniaKing-hz9ue]

--- NTA, I would also be very suspicious if I knew nothing about this dude. Married with a secret family is what I'm suspect and second is that he is wanted by the authorities, very distant third is that he is a illegal alien. --- She chose you, feeling safe is love. Does OP want dramatic gestures, or something steadfast and true?

[@Nicholem718-1]

I was with someone for 5 years who ended up being a psycho who did prison time for kidnapping and raping his ex wife. I found out about this when I went to court for a restraining order and the DA mentioned it in court. I see nothing wrong with Mom being concerned about the boyfriend’s life.

[@maurer3d]

Story 1: NTA, if he was a secret agent, your daughter (and possibly you) would have been interviewed to make surer neither of you are security risks. Sounds to me more like he has a family and is seeing your young impressionable daughter on the side. Oh and Special ops people can't stop talking about what they have done, they might not be able to talk about current or recent missions, but they won't stop once an operation is complete and public.

[@Mama_Bear_of_3]

Story 1. OP needs to wait until a sunny day, then get her daughter's boyfriend outside and see if he sparkles.

[@platinum_noelle]

Special forces like seals, rangers, marines can talk about being in those special forces, they just cant talk about specific things that are classified regarding assignments (or whatever theyre called, i have friends that are former marines, we talk about it sometimes). Even "super secret government agents" or whatever would have things theyre allowed to talk about regarding their job, ever if its some kind of cover story or downplaying its importance. Dude's hiding something, and it's not his "super secret spy job". Hes intentionally trying to keep himself from being "searchable".

[@mkaverage1791]

"Jesus Christ, that's Jason Bourne..."

[@materhead5051]

I like these stories but not the live streams lol. But I'm a listener, not a watcher. I genuinely prefer no face because it means no long pauses, mistakes, or random comments during the story

[@panicattheanimationstudio5673]

Story 2: personally I think it sounds like she DOES love OP but her abusive ex seemed to have caused some serious damage

[@ToxicSunrise132]

Story 1: Hmm, rare case where I think OP handled things correctly (calmly stating her concerns to her adult daughter and letting her know Mom was here to listen if she needed someone to talk to) and also had an attitude with the comments at the same time. I mean, sheez, her whole attitude flipped on a dime! Either she was getting a lot of flack that didn't show up in the displayed comments or she has the world's thinnest skin. I dunno, kind of makes me almost as suspicious of her as I am of Boyfriend

[@lynnw7155]

Sitting your boyfriend down with your mother present and asking him questions about himself IS an interrogation. If he's a conman or cheater with another family, what is he getting out of a non-sexual relationship?

[@ToxicSunrise132]

​@@lynnw7155 I mean, I thought she was way off base too until the daughter agreed with her and thought this whole interrogation thing was a good idea. Now, I think we're missing a bunch of context. And probably the update where Daughter and Boyfriend break up.

[@mattiekarwin3667]

​​@@lynnw7155 She didn't say it wasn't. She said it was her daughter's idea that she supported. Which is valid. Edit to answer the second part: There are no less than 250 stories of men (usually men for practical reasons, harder to pretend a child isn't yours when you pushed it out) with 2 or more full nuclear family units across the country, sometimes in the same town. And those are just the specific ones we can verify actually happened and aren't just vague reddit posts that could be copying the real stories. In not one story have I seen or even heard about someone else seeing the double life partner's reason. Because there usually isn't one. Human beings don't need a reason to put an unreasonable amount of effort into something absolutely absurd. We never have

[@Mario-SunshineGalaxy64]

Her going off was probably justified, Redditors can be some of the most insufferable people on the planet. Most of the time they’re more concerned with insulting, belittling, and acting witty than actually providing good advice to an OP. The top comments were fairly reasonable but comment section are filled to the brim with AH Redditors, like that one comment OP got about seducing the boyfriend.

[@Leathergirl76]

@@mattiekarwin3667Meh….I think OP pushed the issue and tried to cover by saying it was her daughter’s idea because of the amount of backlash she received. If the daughter was making all these positive changes, why is OP so adamant about getting all up in his business when she clearly knows some things about him…..like the fact that he’s multi-lingual because she can speak one of those languages with him.

[@SmileyFace123Lolz]

I was shook at the "so you dont trust your daughter, so you didn't raise her right" spiel. Like, bruh, YEAH. Maybe she doesn't trust her daughter in this situation, that's fine, ppl can be trustworthy and awesome yet also dumb as shit sometimes. And parents and loved ones are allowed to question things. People *do* make mistakes, thats like the basis for so many movies lol

[@Cosmiccrying]

I trust my brother with my life, I also practically raised him. However I don’t trust his current girlfriend, we can trust our family/friends and still remember how hard it is to leave toxic relationships or how even the best people can do stupid things

[@SatinFoxx]

Story 2: after the update, its clear that she does love OP, but she isn't in Lust with him. (A switch on the usual saying of someone being in lust not love.) The ways we are told, and shown, how love presents itself is (at least in my opinion) a major systemic problem on why there are so many people that think they are either in love with someone they aren't, or don't understand that they do love someone. Im just glad OP and his wife are on the right track to getting help for what is best for both of them

[@TheGoldenSilhouette]

That feeling OP's wife is describing is lust, not love. It also sounds like her ex boyfriend probably bullied her a lot with the 'if you really loved me/prove you love me' crap. So I guess that's a fun way to find out your wife has mental trauma associated with loving someone, so she just decided that all these positive feelings people ascribe to being with someone you love are just super platonic best friend energy. And she totally isn't I. Love with you, baka. It's not like she likes spending time with you. Or making children with you.

[@3ratsinatrenchcoat]

Im pretty sure its cause OP's wife is aromantic and allosexual (feeling sexual attraction but not romantic). and theres nothing wrong with that.

[@TheGoldenSilhouette]

@@3ratsinatrenchcoat that's a good point you raise. I didn't consider that, considering how rare it is.

[@azuill1126]

He is either 1.) A spy, or 2.) Already married

[@critica77y77]

I find it disturbing that so many people on Reddit are so sex-obsessed that they can't imagine that someone who has the ability to be sexually active would choose not to, either for moral or practical reasons, without sexism entering the picture.

[@DragonbornMike-ym2er]

Story 2: "Respect is big in our the relationship" The wife talking to her friend: "I've never loved my husband". And like one comment pointed out, she took OP's choice to make an educated choice away. And like, what she describes is just a nicer wording of saying she's been lying too OP and leading him on the entire relationship. I do hope it is just a case of "i just didnt understand what love meant". But I wouldn't be shocked either way. Update: I really dont think her saying "she never experienced that love with me, and thought it would get better over time but never did". That just sounds like the same thing with extra words but no real difference. And the reason OP gives for not divorcing bring for the kids and he doesn't want to have to start dating all over again, just sounds kinda sad. Again, I hope this is mich mote about her just not understanding love.

[@theresaschuebel5151]

Story 2 just breaks my heart. I dont think even therapy can help

[@EclipseSeth]

The wife seems like she hasn't allowed to open herself to love again after the toxic ex hurt her. She is just blocking any possible geelings she has for op because "this is way better than being in love".

[@mimi.dixon.b]

Know what? I’m absolutely sure my family has hired a pi or at least done background searches on my exes….and I don’t blame them. I think it’s kinda over the line yeah but if you don’t have anything to hide,what’s the harm?

[@jasminerobertson4913]

So self righteous

[@mimi.dixon.b]

@@jasminerobertson4913more learned from the experience of being under the influence of an abuser that sometimes you yourself DONT know what’s best for you so now respect my family for recognizing and trying to act on red flags I didn’t

[@tazhienunurbusinezz1703]

My dad did too lol. I look exactly like his late mother who died when he was 13 & he has this intense rage towards dudes who hurt women & kids. He gets just a bit overprotective sometimes. He had a pocket knife he loved (same one) for 20ish years that he carried everywhere. He drove me to an out of state courthouse for my appointment for my ex & I to get our child support agreement signed by a judge where ex lived in the bordering state. There were metal detectors there, unlike the courthouse where we live. The guard told him that he'd have to run it back out to his truck. He looked around, saw inmates in handcuffs & tossed it in the trash instantly without any hesitation at all. I bought him a very nice knife to replace the one he lost that Christmas. He still has that one & my oldest (kid in question) is now 24.

[@chiarahagenlocher9436]

Story 2 sounds like the wife could be on the aromanticism spectrum, like everything she does and what she's describing to OP show that she clearly loves him but she might be confused by the fact she does not feel that different type of romantic love she's supposed to feel solely for a partner but instead feel the same type of love she has for her friend (so platonic), even if much stronger for the op

[@AAAforshort]

I think we need an update on story 1 because it's a lot of speculation, personally I'm finding some of the mum's points feel invasive but I can't say I don't agree that her daughter should know more about him by now. Has she met any of his friends? Stopped by HIS apartment in HIS city/town? Not sure if I skipped over it but it feels like some of the most important points aren't asked/answered? It does tell smth that the daughter has her own suspicions or doubts.

[@photoflo78]

I was literally about to ask if you figured out how to turn on KZbin notifications. Love ya man ❤❤

[@juliesrensen7887]

Story 1: my thought at first is that the BF is not telling about his life is because he May have been part of a gang or other type of criminal stuff like drugs,robbery or whatever gang wars happens. He Said he was an orphan with no mention of being adopted, (nor foster care) so maybe he was a troubled kid with agression trouble. Always on the bad side of the law until something must have snapped him to either 1, become a better man and turn a new leaf over in his life. Or 2, he was escaping someone’s because you can’t really follow him when he is at the base or deployed. Maybe he is ashamed of his life and don’t want it to affect what could be a good relationship and an opportunity to leave the past behind. Why he won’t talk about what he does in the military, maybe he hopes by not saying much they can’t find out about him before. Or he is also having a hard time in the military which again, he rather not wanna others to know. Worse case, he was part of the military but got dishonestly discharged for his bad behavior and is too ashamed too say. Who knows, if he after 2 years hasn’t been making OP’s daughter send money/spend money on his bills or whatever or slowly made her his personal maid while starting to isolate then its really hard to say if he is a conman.

[@cathyn7640]

Even if the first guy is not a con man, if he is so secretive, it's not a real relationship.

[@littlegreycat]

I don't think I would do the meeting. What the daughter said is all she needs to speak with him. "I feel our relationship hasn't grown. I still know nothing about you, we have our relationship in isolation of everything that else and I am not sure if we have a future because you still feel like a stranger." That's probably all it would take for him to dump her or show enough res flags that she decides to end it. People don't confess usually and the meeting with her Mom is likely to be twisted as to a reason why he should dump her , ie her parents are controlling or interfering.

[@CurliFox]

I dont agree. The daughter is painfully passive, and is not perceptive. She's going to need people there with her.

[@ronamayday]

Story 1: I get her fears because keeping that much hidden gives red flags that he could have a family, con man or running in a drug ring.

[@franciebelcher4594]

Last story, I'm in agreement with the comments that say wifey has no idea was a true, healthy love is, but does love OP. Get her some therapy, together and separate. I think OP will b ok.

[@thomasjoseph5876]

She is so broken she doesn't realize she is in fact, "In Love" with her hubby. The problem is if she goes to therapy, she may decide that she needs to chase after her idea of "being in love" which most likely doesn't exist. The feeling we get when we meet a partner is called "New Love Excitement". We all have had it and it involves wanting to be with or talk with that person all the time. It slowly fades over time as other things in our relationships/marriage take precedence. If she decides she needs to "chase" this idea of what "being in love" is, then she will leave the marriage and never be satisfied. She will either die an old woman believing she never "found love" or realize she screwed up and she did have what she was looking for but gave it away. She also might just decide to stay married but will end up resenting the OP and their marriage. She/They are better off leaving things as they are since she has found a way to live with being "broken" and still have a happy and fulfilling life, marriage, and family with the OP. This is a prime example of "The Cure" could end up being worse than "The Disease" if she goes to therapy and they start digging into her mind.

[@Tsuki_Itsubi]

Maybe im to young or inexperienced but story 2 is depressing. I see people saying "its actually love" but all i see is a woman who settled for a guy who could provide a stable life for her; but who otherwise doesnt matter. If she doesnt love him, would she just leave him if he was injured or sick and no longer able to keep up her lifestyle? I understand im probably wrong, but it leaves a gross feeling like shes just using her husband.

[@cpaul9269]

S1 - I'm confused as to why the daughter is still even with his guy? So, they are going to corner him in surprise? Eeek. This whole thing is crazy. Just dump the dude. Christ.

[@katemorgan8850]

about the "loveless" marriage one- she clearly loves him him in her own way, but if she's not IN love with him maybe she's somewhere on the aromantic spectrum? maybe im just looking at this through rainbow colored glasses but it sounds like a possibility.

[@makaylascott99]

Thank you for the video Markee! I hope you have a great day 😊

[@DocKrazy]

Story 1: Assuming OPs daughter isn't making a mistake - OP isn't being wrong about being worried. Telling her daughter she's worried is communication, which is the exact right thing to do. Assuming OPs daughter IS making a mistake - OP has to accept her daughter is a separate human being who will make her own mistakes. What OP has to do is let her daughter live her life and then catch her if she falls. But she still has to communicate.

[@SukkJaSaabas]

I've been in a relationship where for 3 years together i knew almost nothing about the guy. It drove me insane. His reason for ignoring my guestions was that his past was full of abuse from his father. I could understand that he didn't want to talk about his family life, but just to say, where you went to school or what subject did you like the most - shouldn't have been guestions that made him angry that i even dared to ask. I felt like the daughter that it was hard to grow together, because of lack of information, there's nothing to grab to tie up with your life and experience. Of course this relationship grew to become mentally abusive as well. I'm glad I left and now together with a guy that wants and loves to share his past. I now feel that i have a person to grow together with.

[@myrabeth77]

BF's attitude in Story 1 reads more like shame than deception. Bad childhood, job he's not proud of, that sort of thing. A liar would bother with at least a basic a cover story.

[@BoxOKittens]

My advice is to just be cool about it, but don't let her go traveling with him. A common trafficking tactic is for a guy to date a girl, take her from home, then coerce her into sex for money.

[@Mario-SunshineGalaxy64]

That first post was a big nothing burger, though I understand the OP’s concerns. The dude can be just a normal guy or the next Ted Bundy, who knows. Him being secretive about his military work is a red flag, if he really was spec ops he’d have a boring cover story, not shut down discussions about his work. Or maybe he has seen some horrible shit and doesn’t want to talk about it. Bottom line, there’s no conclusion and no way of telling if OP’s concerns were warranted.

[@KadeStringer2.0]

Op shouldn’t be involved in her daughter’s love life

[@Ashakat42]

​@KadeStringer2.0 You've never been a mother, apparently.

[@dre1978]

​@@KadeStringer2.0OP's daughter is literally thankful her mother said something cause she agreed. Parents pointing out concerning behavior from their child's partner is not "involving themselves" in their children love life. It's called being a decent parent and looking out for your kids. I've asked my parents if they've noticed any concerning behavior from my past partners that I haven't; people outside your relationship are more likely to pick up on abnormal behavior from your partner

[@wmdkitty]

@@Ashakat42 Nor had a mother.

[@cniknik9863]

​@@wmdkitty true! A loving parent never stops worrying about their kid no matter how old they get. Heaven forbid they end up in an abusive relationship and don't have the safety net of good parents.

[@bricksloth6920]

My partner and I are pair bonded like swans. We've had our differences, tried to split, but neither of us could move on, so we got back together and now we're good.

[@emo7636]

If he was a 'Navy Seal or Special Ops' guy then he would just say that. Being a Navy Seal is not as secretive as some people obviously think. Neither is FBI/CIA, and I have personal knowledge on that last one. They can and do disclose which branch they work for, but that's where it usually ends. They just can't specify what they do. It's silly how secretive and cloak-and-dagger the majority of folks believe this stuff is.

[@alexanderhenby1362]

The only thing that would make sense to me about keeping that quiet, is if hes a military contractor. Arms, vehicles, tech something like that. Especially if he works for a comapny like Boeing

[@jasminerobertson4913]

OH MY GOD what a switch in attitude in the first post vs in the update.

[@mattiekarwin3667]

Well yeah because she realized she didn't have to be nice to people not taking legitimate concerns seriously.

[@robinronin]

S2: Traumatic relationships completely mess up what you think 'love' is (speaking from experience). If you don't feel like you're in danger all the time, it must not be love. Your brain just forms a link between love and fear, and it's hard to unlink, especially if you were on the younger side when it happened. So, OP's wife is in love, but the link makes her think that she should also live in constant fear of him for it to be actual love. PTSD is just one big clusterfck like that 😂

[@TheScaletIbisNW]

If mom has a gut feeling, im going to listen. Especially if I also have one.

[@leli6291]

Story 2: I see myself in OPs wife and i'm guessing that while she cares for him and loves him in that way, she doesn't feel romantic love towards him. Love comes in many forms and many expect the love you feel for friends or family to be different than the love you feel for your partner. She probably feels like she loves him as a very good friend but not in a "he is my soulmate" way, that's why she says she doesn't love him (in a romantic way).

[@driversuz44]

Story 2: I hope OP's wife someday hears Carly Simon's The Stuff that Dreams Are Made Of. This is the kind of love that lasts. It may be a little disappointing for him that they didn't start out with the fireworks and rollercoasters, but that's not love. It's fun, and sometimes it turns into love, but it's attraction and infatuation. Love is what she chose to create, to do.