America's Waitresses: Are They Hitting On You?

The Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team reports on whether the nation's waitresses are just being friendly.

[@andrewf4623]

Same happens to me with the cashier at the supermarket. She smiles and asks me how my day was literally every time I come in, then acts shocked/surprised when I show up outside her bedroom window. What gives?!?

[@youngrav2311]

She’s such a tease

[@250smacks]

Awesome!! Lol

[@Abominable_Intelligences]

Ikr? Then they bitchin about lawsuits and shit and their family acts crazy when she suddenly dissapears with no trace

[@menne36]

@@Abominable_Intelligences women i tell ya

[@TTIN23]

Doesn't surprise me. I've had multiple strippers tell me how amazing I am and how they wish they could find a guy like me, but then call the police every time I climb through her windows! What is going on?

[@Hollowsmith]

The most unrealistic part is a single waitress owning a two story home.

[@ericjourdain892]

Hahaha 😁

[@Koniving]

I suspected it to be an apartment because the concept of a waitress owning a two story home is literally that unfathomable.

[@Falicity345]

Plot twist: She still lives with her parents

[@thebannaman2529]

The “only” unrealistic part. It’s an easy spelling mistake

[@firmanimad]

Maybe she inherited it

[@ancienttechnique5830]

I tipped a stripper once. She smiled and said thanks sweetie. I then proceeded to wait in my car with the lights off until she left to go home that night. 3 days later I found out that there was another exit that the strippers use to dodge all the creeps who try to take advantage of them. Those bastards. Imagine a woman having to sneak out of her job just to avoid those weirdos. It’s pretty pathetic

[@chalkdeamon6070]

Nice 👌

[@mionrugheart2340]

😂😂😂

[@idkwhybut...]

Sheesh. Thanks for telling me. I better go camp out back next time and follow her home to make sure she's safe.

[@zapkvr]

I don't need to imagine it.

[@Justin-qd4tm]

I admire you waited for 3 days there

[@DandyZero]

"So then we followed her home" LMAO

[@laoganmafootballclub6632]

Thousandth like

[@andrewgarfield8246]

Why do you have 3k likes and literally no replies?

[@Angie_978]

Oop I mean 3

[@Angie_978]

Oh God guys, it never ends! It's like comment section quicksand! Aaagh!

[@laycebug3260]

Angie 978 ahhhh

[@Citizen_Se7en]

The dark turn the video took near the end was priceless.

[@LegalizeTheNuclearBomb]

"We started to follow her home" wait what "and gassed her through her air vents"

[@pseudonym385]

@@LegalizeTheNuclearBomb xD

[@tomascanevaro4292]

@@LegalizeTheNuclearBomb HOL UP

[@williamrowold9656]

Citizen Se7en even after reading ur comment I had no idea it was to that extent 😂

[@diaz5292]

Thoughtcrime does not entail death. Thoughtcrime is death.

[@silkroad1201]

Duh, every girl that crosses my path is hitting on me. Even the ones who don't even look at me, that's just their way of pretending they're not interested so I make a move. It's exhausting being so desired

[@yueshijoorya601]

😂😂 please no more These are getting a bit too real.

[@abdullaal-shaikh7572]

@@yueshijoorya601 he just said how exhausting it was for him and you just go ahead and hit on him?

[@cooltoast9056]

69 likes

[@BeanOnTheFlipside]

@@yueshijoorya601 please stop hitting on him he's tired

[@xyrisejoss7144]

Ok. Time for your meds granpa.

[@micahy.6190]

Who needs a wingman when you have a wing investigative team?

[@MicahPotts]

My name is Micah too! 😁

[@renji2600]

Amazing

[@micahy.6190]

@@MicahPotts Nice! You don't see that name everyday. 😎

[@micahy.6190]

1234

[@takdudung]

@@micahy.6190 5678

[@christopherramsey7027]

“Who are you? Where’s Tom.” “I am... Tom.” Lmao

[@Radi0he4d1]

That's ingenious writing.

[@trevbarlow9719]

As always, the Onion was at it's prime because of these little details.

[@Competitive_Antagonist]

The Onion is great at satirising both feminism and creepy men.

[@nfrench2100]

Nice quote man. How’d you manage to remember those lines so well?

[@jerryscanas]

Oblivion Dialogue

[@rusitoexplorador]

The most unrealistic thing about this is that waitress can afford a home by herself

[@ShaferHart]

And what a home

[@dmitriyr4095]

Plot twist: her parents passed out while kicking it in the basement

[@idkwhybut...]

It's all those tips.

[@ethan7252]

theres nothing unrealistic about this, this is 100% real

[@NoHomerS]

All those extraneous tips

[@disco1974ever]

The Attractive Girls Union will be up in arms about this.

[@johnholland6704]

Yes they will.Those are trade secrets that he is sharing

[@bulldoggmailcom]

What about a werewolf ???.

[@cantbanme792]

attractive girls union is overrated anyway

[@JohnVC]

@@cantbanme792 You must be a supporter of a Slightly Overweight Frizzy-haired Girl Union

[@cantbanme792]

@@JohnVC we prefer the term "natural beauty league"

[@danagray9709]

She's clearly into you. Did you see the sensual way she fell unconscious when you gassed her? Pretty provocative.

[@sparksfly5877]

Ugh, women, always leading people on 😤

[@BarginsGalore]

Frat boys be like:

[@Alic4444]

dat gass

[@kosmicmarxman443]

If she didnt want gassed she should have been wearing her M40 field protective mask! Total Hussy. /s

[@joekrater3364]

You're a guy

[@jarnodatema]

“Where’s Tom?” “I’m Tom.”

[@jfish032]

😂

[@EsquilaxM]

"I'm Umlo!"

[@nevermindshort3]

Can somebody explain that to me? Is she crazy?

[@andrew1007]

@@nevermindshort3 Those two "employees" were the ones that were planted by the news team to learn more about her. Presumably, the guy was performing the duties of an actual employee, Tom. But Tom was not present

[@nevermindshort3]

@@andrew1007 Ah okay

[@GBGdevotie]

"This brutish looking truck driver managed to stall her at his table a full 22 seconds longer than me."

[@gendoruwo6322]

unforgiveable

[@laycebug3260]

it's like American Psycho

[@No-0ne-is-Alone]

I thought he said british.

[@MrMissingReel]

@ludlow 889 😂

[@JordanTheMann]

Damn! Time to step up my game.

[@greghannibal]

"Telling you what WE want you to know" Finally an honest news network!

[@Raison_d-etre]

I was buying respirators in January 2020 thanks to the news networks you so detest.

[@jeangarcia6432]

Lol i literally thought of fox when they said this

[@ok4412]

@@Raison_d-etre And how many of them did you actually use?

[@bruhman8005]

A more accurate version would be “telling you how to think”

[@mkvv5687]

@@bruhman8005 ikr? Cons don't care what you think, as long as you do what you're told. Libs don't care what you do, as long as you think as you're told.

[@jbot91]

The onion is on a different level of funny. They don't get enough credit.

[@smoothred9453]

Was

[@ronnykazadi352]

@@smoothred9453 well reality has surpassed satire in bullshitness.

[@sanlistonmadzima]

"Hey there, you're back for more torture?" "What torture?" Had me dying

[@dadamager3000]

love the awkwardness lol

[@tfwthelsdkicksin6083]

Kinky

[@antichound4904]

@@christianguest63 you're scary, dude

[@christianguest63]

@@antichound4904 it's a meme u dip

[@antichound4904]

@@christianguest63 zoomer memes are too hardcore for me lol

[@nostalgicuniverse9747]

The onion is the most trusted news source now adays

[@thekosmokramer]

more real than CNN

[@ProlificThreadworm]

@pissedoff Jion this is true. Onion has been bought out.

[@Fx_Explains]

@pissedoff Jion are you 9 years old

[@dawei8705]

@bacon next to pewnews ofc

[@markflierl1624]

That comment is priceless!

[@davidmc8478]

“Telling you the news we want you to know.” Brilliant

[@supastar25]

"We'll keep an eye on Lindsay and her TYPE..." lol

[@supastar25]

Mildly Amusing Channel he was livid lol

[@sammipanini]

I legit thought he said "her tights", and I was like sorry wut?

[@maddog7795]

@@FirstLast-to6nj why so salty

[@ashchaya7676]

@@FirstLast-to6nj Fuckwit.

[@Adhjie]

@@ashchaya7676 haven't heard that in a long time

[@GreatWhite7]

"But when I took a quick reading of her body temperature". lol

[@ThePepper67]

Great White7 I died

[@salvadorsanchez4556]

Damn. That's true on the flip side, when you talk to a girl and your intentions are not sexual but you can feel her heat coming across anyway...

[@untamedtran7477]

Killed me

[@ducstatiba2]

Hits different in 2021

[@John-sr2hr]

@@salvadorsanchez4556 yeah... happens all the time...

[@Siddharth2460]

He didn't use x-ray to analyze her bones, that should've given him some insights on what is going on

[@lagrangepoint9386]

The attraction would've been obvious if she were capable of getting a boner.

[@terskataneli6457]

Should have used SPET with radioactive glucose too see if the region associated with sexual desire activated in her brain

[@Siddharth2460]

@@terskataneli6457 I cannot agree to this more.

[@davelowets]

@@Siddharth2460 Or you two creeps could simply LEARN how to interpret, with your OWN brain, a woman's sexual response, and skip all the weirdness all together. It's called "game", and you obviously don't have any.

[@Siddharth2460]

@@davelowets Someone has taken this video very seriously.

[@GarthMurray1]

I've discovered that the only 21 yr old women that smile, touch me playfully and giggle while I'm talking to them with my mouth full are waitresses. The exact same comments that totally engrossed my young beautiful blonde waitress will, an hour later, produce laughs of derision and disgust when I approach a group of young women at the bar. I think it's because waitresses are able to see the real, honest me and it's for that reason I always leave very generous tips.

[@PrimaDel]

uhhh... okay..

[@mohamadserhal3013]

The Senate yeah I know this is too wierd ...

[@thegoodkidboy7726]

They're paid to be nice to you.

[@artv.9989]

I hope your comment was sarcastic

[@neomcdoom]

If y’all don’t understand sarcasm you shouldn’t be here

[@davidthomspson9771]

so all those $20 tips weren't getting me anywhere!??

[@AndrewGunner]

@ludlow 889 lol

[@kookoo4pandas]

@ludlow 889 you need to take another 20, buy flowers- dam did your dad teach you nothing? that will raise your chances from 0 to 10%.

[@kookoo4pandas]

@ludlow 889 yeah that will be such a surprise! girls love surprises!

[@xl000]

this is why I don't tip. The waitresses and rest of the staff already get money with something called a salary. Each hour is in fact, paid... This may be a choke for the US viewers.

[@onemanarmyoma0155]

@ludlow 889 She can have my babies anytime. But how will she know they're mine?

[@victor-536]

It’s always refreshing to see actual investigative journalism like this.

[@be7169]

"A powerful sleeping gas we pumped in through the heating vents". LMAO

[@utahhoopsfreak8648]

How they just slid that into the end of the story.😝

[@justrandomthings319]

Lmfao.

[@patientestant]

Finally a news network that focuses on the real stories that people (men) care about.

[@JohnDoe-mv1sm]

damn right

[@ShanteRoxxane]

John Kessler 🤣😂🤣 people=men

[@fernybern]

People (men) what do you mean? Only men are people

[@bakedzac3630]

Fernando Valles that is the joke, yup. The original comment makes fun of men’s mentality, just like the video 🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️

[@rowanfernsler9725]

Dam right, Dishwashers are property, not individual people like the onion is real news and not satire

[@Nick-sd7um]

This is brilliant. It's like a mix between British and American humour. Not too under done, not too over done.

[@mkvv5687]

Exactly. It's a rare medium that's done well.

[@Tosti_bakker]

@@mkvv5687 is that a steak joke?

[@bc5653]

Lmao I was just about to comment that the onions so dark it's almost British 😂 I'm very glad it's American though, it's nice to see dark humour spreading

[@vexivero]

This is infuriating. I work in the back of a restaurant..I wonder how many of my front of house coworkers are acting like Lindsay??

[@snow38347]

Whooosh

[@hi-nw7qy]

@@kai2k5 I think he's being woooshed, at least I hope so or else its a double wooosh

[@iamNotHereB]

@@hi-nw7qy whooshception

[@hi-nw7qy]

@@iamNotHereB Holy shit

[@zaya5360]

I always wonder how many layers of sarcasm will we reach, Like we say shit sarcastically that was made to be sarcastic, but saying it sarcastically becomes cringe, So we say it sarcastically.

[@BloodyAnalSurprise]

THIS is The Onion.

[@AKTheREal]

When humanity ends I hope they find this channel to gather intel about our race

[@starwolfcyberlight4546]

Ah you want sucky sucky

[@knight-mares]

Where is Tom, I am tom

[@horsepower523]

What is that comma doing there? Ever heard of a question mark? Do you even grammar?!

[@vibsh625]

@@horsepower523 You rustic! How dare you use a question mark and an exclamation mark one after the other like that !

[@horsepower523]

@@vibsh625 Look up "interrobang" on Google.

[@vibsh625]

@@horsepower523 ‽ Interrobang !? Not Interrobang

[@horsepower523]

@@vibsh625 It's literally the same damn thing.

[@fakkuyu641]

*Wait, does that mean my favorite professional lap dancer, Candy, does not actually love me, oh dear, I've beed scammed*

[@chinaminiyumako1415]

Take it to the court. Don't overlook such injustice!

[@user-ck9lm6xi1o]

she spells it “Kandii”

[@MikkoMurmeli]

@ludlow 889 Yeah. Candy has a heart of gold, she sees the best in you and respects you totally.

[@digi3218]

Does she give you back your money that you threw at her on stage so you can do it again? Do you have her phone number at least? Have you gave her a ride on the back of your motorcycle? Have you taken her back to your house and she got in your bed? These are the questions you need to answer..

[@Texas240]

@@digi3218 - Since I can answer yes to those questions (well, car not motorcycle), I'm wondering if I've spent too much time in men's clubs... Naaaah

[@lo4tr]

I was eating at a restaurant once, a few years back, and the waitress was so awkward with her flirting. She said, "I know rich looking fellow like yourself would be able to tip quite well." I knew it was flirting because I was neither rich nor passable as such. I couldn't help but feel bad for her and didn't want to break the news that her perceptions were wrong, so I gave her $100. It would only burden her to know that I was unable to afford groceries that week. Still, after having gone back there every Monday since, her social awareness has not improved by much. I've been steadily increasing the amount I leave in tips in hopes that she will wake up and understand what is happening, but it just doesn't get better. Not only that, but she is still too shy to g out with me. Poor thing. At the very least, I've been able to maintain a steady diet of one meal a week. So, now I'm fit, healthy, and doing good in this world, all by helping out the local wait staff. Go me!

[@Sibearian_]

SIMP

[@ChaniagoAbd]

Lmao nice humour

[@Oceangirl_505]

Gold, Philip. Simply Gold

[@SharkSalesman90]

Lose weight in one week

[@jpmorgan187]

Miss the Onion videos. Bring them back. It will stabilize America. Maybe even make it great again.

[@SiisKolkytEuroo]

@@JavaIsnom now that you've said it....

[@storrho]

Lol this is not American humour unfortunately.

[@Left4Red]

It’s already great

[@thekyleprojekt7996]

The onion got bought out by a liberal organization and now they switched to clickhole, but almost none of it is funny anymore. Nothing will reach like the old onion did

[@hardspumoni6940]

@@thekyleprojekt7996 There is a sifference between the weird kid and a moron. Pretty sure you're just stupid.

[@Will-oj3un]

G: "What Torture?" L: "The Food" G: "Oh, a Joke!" *HAHA*

[@Aitvo]

Incredible journalism, asking the the important questions and doing the investigations that others don't dare! Keep it up!

[@w.kuiper316]

Hello Emil, how’s your day? Do you have any new deals on offer with a prices that are slashed by a greatsword?

[@ssa3101]

S- special Q- Quiet U- Undercover I- Investigative R- Response T- Team Would have been a better name

[@roguishpaladin]

It's funnier if the acronym isn't a real word, though.

[@dontforgettolike7127]

H- Head O- Order of L- Liberation E- Enforcement

[@andrewg944]

And the members of coarse are "squirters"

[@AmateurContendr]

The T should stand for Tom

[@stevebob240]

"Telling you what we want you to know" Should be the slogan for every single news site/ platform.

[@RideAcrossTheRiver]

KZbin is the worst offender.

[@mkvv5687]

@@RideAcrossTheRiver Why did you want me to know that? Are you trying to tell me what to think?

[@RideAcrossTheRiver]

@@mkvv5687 No, I'm trying to order a pizza

[@mkvv5687]

@@RideAcrossTheRiver :D

[@janeallgood9833]

"hey guys, i think that woman who works for tips really likes me." - a shocking amount of otherwise intelligent men. don't hit on girls at work, they have to be nice to you.

[@sebastianorellana3912]

lmaoooo true

[@cgigammez5749]

I will hit on anyone i like

[@IDislikeMacaroni]

@@octavioavila6548ick. They’re just tryna do their job, dude.

[@ianblanchet5500]

When you're a virgin and think somebody's hitting on you

[@andrewpearson1903]

Can confirm

[@flowerpunk5255]

Ian Blanchet that's the joke

[@ianblanchet5500]

@@flowerpunk5255 That's the point

[@tynao2029]

your point is to try to make the same joke the video is but worse?

[@detectivedonaldkimball]

make eye contact with a girl and imagine life together crew

[@troyharrison7208]

“So we followed her home.”

[@happymilk7433]

This just radiates nice guy energy.

[@arne8158]

That's very kind of you. You know this is the kind of positive encouragement we need more of in the world and you seem like a very nice guy as well if I may say so.

[@happymilk7433]

@@arne8158 thank you but I have two x chromosomes

[@moogcult6492]

@@happymilk7433 im so sorry to hear that, get well soon

[@happymilk7433]

@@moogcult6492 thank you. im Actually sacrificing myself to the penis god tomorrow

[@mowermen1762]

@@happymilk7433 you uhhhh… ok bud it’s uh been two months…

[@peppereater3028]

After watching this I'm gonna reconsider perposing to my waitress at Denny's...

[@atomgripd]

XDranzer000 thank you for handling this situation appropriately officer, for a second i was about to take the law in my hands (ppl like us have to keep the Grammarworld in balance)

[@saxonsoldier67]

@@atomgripd I disagree. Clearly he was trying to use the word "porpoising" as in using powerful rhythmic motions of his body to entertain his waitress.

[@josh18230]

So all this time I have just been wasting my money tipping that freindly waitress. She seemed to get more friendly the more I tipped her, so I thought one day she would accept my request for her phone number. Good thing I found out before I spent all of my college savings.

[@boborson5536]

Thats the way Josh, remember Women are good for one and only one thing, removing your Kidney and selling it on the black market, Damm you Samatha!!!

[@andrewpearson1903]

These are worthy responses to the clip

[@Tiagotaf]

I went to a restaurant some time ago and got hit in the head by a waitress's tray. Yea, they do hit people.

[@BlueEyes-WhiteDrag0n]

Well yes, but actually no

[@666LonesomeSailor]

@@BlueEyes-WhiteDrag0n this is a) false b) because c) it´s d) right =(c:|)>

[@diegodelamota1199]

Oh, a joke. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[@ashchaya7676]

@ludlow 889 Literally epically actually ironic.

[@satoshianthony5852]

Clearly she was stonewalling us.....

[@jamescunningham6017]

I only just found out what this was.

[@gravity1893]

I worked at Tesco for 2 years and tried to be polite to as many people as I could because for some of the people that come into the shop, that’s the only social interaction they get during the day or even week. Especially older people. So it means the world to these people when you chat to them and make their day. I made so many friends with the customers and got to know their life and some of their families, I would still stop and talk to them in the street if they were passing by. I doubt most people are looking for extra tips or praise when they do this during their working hours. Some yes but most people are just being human. It’s honestly a really nice feeling having the excuse to talk to random people and getting to know them. Don’t get that opportunity much these days

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Ready for my Sofia interaction

[@gravity1893]

@@thereisnosanctuary6184 hahahah lol meant social

[@vladraduandrei5227]

wow thats everything that I despise...overly chatty waiters..just take my order and bring my food, I don t need more...then again I ain t the old guys you re vibing with.

[@LaikaMuttnik]

so, when that cute cashier told me "Thank you, come again" she didnt really mean it? ruined mah day :(

[@filipedias7284]

Course she did, she need dat money

[@MikkoMurmeli]

Of course she wants you to come again! Don't listen to the haters, they're just jealous you're such a cool guy that a cashier says that to you, ok?

[@TheRafaelBond]

she did, you are a valued customer

[@legrandliseurtri7495]

You're most likely her favorite customer!

[@meenalien4446]

These are questions that everybody is curious about but no one dares to ask. Keep up the good work onion

[@LuizAlexPhoenix]

Awkward af, having worked retail people will think we are hitting on them for just showing an ounce of human warmth.

[@lithostheory]

This is the kind of investigative journalism we have a desperate need for nowadays! Excellent job and continue the good work!

[@Kleavers]

That's Pulitzer material right there.

[@Thrifty032781]

I love how his attempt at sending in spies failed so quickly.

[@comradehess]

No toilet cam?

[@UnitAlir]

I was honestly expecting that. This isn't The Onion! It's an imposter!

[@trippysnow3791]

111st like

[@jacobc9221]

Nah, there's one in the shower though.

[@damnseriouselephant]

What kind of world are we living in when waitresses can't even genuinely have sexual interest in every customer? This world is a sick place!

[@arveyilleszender5809]

Any Onion video made about 12 years ago is always always brilliant.

[@NeuKrofta]

The real questions are finally being answered

[@cim888]

Thank you youtube, I've never heard of the Onion before. It may be 9 years late but I needed this right now.

[@tannernalley9654]

This is the kind of indepth investigative news reporting I rely on from the Onion. I couldn't live without. These days, it's so rarer to come across truly dedicated journalist like those from the Onion.

[@ZImpresive]

"Does my girlfriend like me?: A Special Investigation"

[@diaz5292]

Leave that nice girl alone! And... tell her I'm single, and a lot of fun. Tell her I know some really cool card tricks, and that I drive a nice car....

[@DoglinsShadow]

This went from 0-100 real fast LOL

[@0815Mann]

Finally a determined guy who takes initiative and shows dedication.

[@AdamCantor]

onion should do this for nurses too :D

[@br1ann88]

The word choice of “Reproduced the same posture” Got me LOL

[@tekenertehee]

Good thing is literally nobody tips in my country so if a waitress is flirting with you you know it's geniune

[@bipedalbob]

@ludlow 889 sure nff, even a broken clock is right twice a day, it could happen. Specially if you leave your keys with the jaguar key fob on the table, she won't know you drive a Yugo yet

[@bipedalbob]

@ludlow 889 I'll agree with you there, jags are not known for their reliability, but their looks. Kinda like a beautiful woman. My example was from personal experience of some one I knew 30 years ago, who had leased a jag, and always made sure to have the keys on the table with fob clearly visible at the bar. And yes it worked, he was also likely a psycopath judging by his behaviour. Of course he wasn't looking for miss right, more miss right know.

[@ThatMans-anAnimal]

I never tip, so if a waitress flirts with me I know it's genuine.

[@insanem5258]

@@ThatMans-anAnimal how can she know you don't tip before you paid the check

[@ThatMans-anAnimal]

@@insanem5258 If I come back like 5x and she's still flirting with me you know she wants the d cuz she sure as hell isn't getting a tip

[@music0cool]

Creepy “nice guys” be like 😂

[@hebince44]

Feels like a term coined by women for guys they don't think are attractive enough but want their attention and approval as 'friends' without ever wanting anything else or more.

[@miguelacp83]

@@hebince44 Looks like we found someone who was friendzoned.

[@xyannail4678]

Now you people are the ones who don't realize that friendzone isn't a succes. It's rather naive and dumb to even think about being the backup plan for a women. They told you they don't want anything so accept it and stop daydreaming.

[@pinkblueberrylanadelshy7197]

@@hebince44 "Ladies and Gentleman, we got him!"

[@Samus7000]

hebince44 FOUND THE VIRGIN INCEL!

[@AK-jt7kh]

"Until we find out why she won't return phone calls when she's not seeing anyone" 😂

[@PremiumFuelOnly]

Yea, they need to do more research on this. Ive always wondered this myself!

[@Sentinel82]

Where's Tom? (Hesitation) I'm Tom 🤣😂🤣😂

[@farmiap]

My favorite moment in this

[@morningstar9233]

I know the waitress is only pretending to like me, just like i pretend i keep coming back for the coffee.

[@CJVS995]

the circle of life

[@Turambar3791]

That conversation must appear in The Room 2: -Hey, do you know that customer out there with the blue shirt on? Yeah, Gavin. He's a regular. I think he's into you? Do you like him? Who are you?, Are you new? Where's Tom? I'm Tom

[@keegster7167]

Alejandro Sintes Ruiz de la Escalera Perfect.

[@Urbanscape667]

You are tearing me apart!!!

[@kungfew1396]

I was always suspicious of the Hooters waitresses.🤨

[@charlieross-BRM]

That was a good one. "a brute of a truck driver" "Are you new?" "Where's Tom -- I'm Tom." It's a touchy subject for sure but they portrayed it with skill as usual. Studies were done many decades ago with men that showed we instinctively bias our minds to think random women we are finding attractive during an interaction are getting just as interested in us at the same time. So now I check myself "Slow down Top Gun, it's just the hormones talking."

[@Oceangirl_505]

So, Charlie, are you available?

[@happymolecule8894]

@@Oceangirl_505 what the

[@user-pr6ed3ri2k]

42+1thsliker

[@manfromnantucket9544]

I am Tom.

[@olafweyer859]

"Hi, I am Dan" - The Orville

[@slappy8941]

I was heartbroken to discover that my waitress was flirting with other customers.

[@EnoVarma]

We need more of this type of professional investigative journalism.

[@kafilkavich707]

Agree lol!!!!!!!

[@cohencoughlin328]

This should have been a much longer segment for the idea was just gold.

[@user10842]

*_This turned so dark so fast_*

[@monstrellsf-w8277]

The best and most thorough investigation I’ve seen into this dilemma yet Onion, keep up the good work so we can get to the bottom of this

[@shadee0_106]

"Clearly she was stonewalling us, so we decided to follow to her home"

[@justrandomthings319]

Lmfao.

[@RetroPlus]

I don't bite the onion, I chew it knowing it's all satire. Chew on my fellow onioner's.

[@fridaymorning139]

Retro Plus k

[@lemonke8132]

Retro Plus wow you’re so intelligent

[@gendoruwo6322]

really brings tears to my eyes!

[@Chugargonfan]

Why?!? I'm not a cannibal you freak

[@ericaploof998]

LOL IT STARTS OUT NORMAL AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN "WE FOLLOWED HER HOME" AND IT GOES DOWNHILL

[@fulldisclosureiamamonster2786]

Sure because dudes just casually taking the body temperature of women they're talking to is normal lol

[@ericaploof998]

@@fulldisclosureiamamonster2786 I mean, you ain't wrong lol

[@bobs2809]

Most of the young attractive women who wait on me at restaurants and bars are really into me. I can tell.

[@FecalMatador]

ludlow 889 dude, I’m a straight guy and I’ve given dudes free beers. It’s the same reason girls do it. Drunk people tip better. Plus alcohol is one of the few things servers can get their hands on, as free food from the kitchen is much harder to come by

[@anactualplant9574]

@@FecalMatador instead of stealing from your restaurant, you could just buy a beer for a customer. It’s a bit of a gamble but it should pay off

[@Vleader001]

Well, that escalated quickly!

[@Toleich]

"Where's Tom?" "I'm Tom." I lost it!

[@FruitsAndLeaves]

“The cafe I frequent often”

[@ThePetit1989]

The seriousness of this report is impressive

[@BrokenOcktive2]

*AAAAAAHHHHHHHH HAHAhahahaha :: GAAAASSSSSP :: HHAAA!!! HAAA!! HAhahahaha OMG thats so fuckin HILARIOUS!!*

[@Tombalino]

0:45 lol the brain scans in the background

[@user-ez1qt7qz9h]

They had us in the first half, not gonna lie

[@coronavirus3952]

Nah, it's the onion

[@anonimanonim2710]

Such dedication to finding the truth!

[@freedomfest2741]

Every MSM network should start their broadcast with, we will tell what we want you to know.

[@stephenwright8824]

Err, that sounds too honest.

[@250smacks]

If your waitress remembers how you like your coffee, she clearly wants to have your babies. Its science.

[@ninjanutzforfun1105]

She's gonna freak out when she sees this

[@ninjanutzforfun1105]

@PurpleStratocaster omfg bro ik I was joking I'm taking about the character it's the onion 😂 r/whooosh

[@ydrahkcin]

I love how it started out as an investigative piece, and then you realise that its just this guy who has been using this as a way to see if she is into him, and then why she is not into him.

[@DepakoteMeister]

OMG, you're right! Well spotted!

[@bencobb5545]

0:09 best part lol siurt isn't even an acronym for anything

[@scoonigans]

😂

[@Pau_Pau9]

Onion Network, we go where other networks fear to tread. Best news source PERIOD!

[@isabellaahern5427]

I hope you're joking.

[@Pau_Pau9]

@@isabellaahern5427 Yes. Well, world need a laugh..

[@isabellaahern5427]

@@Pau_Pau9 oh thank gosh haha ive just seen so many people that think it is real

[@Pau_Pau9]

@@isabellaahern5427 That IS distressing..

[@brovold72]

'Oh, a joke -- ha ha ha ha!' man this is too well done.