At a press conference today, the AGU announced it will not even acknowledge Mike Greenman until he begins dressing better and loses some weight.
Пікірлер: 5 000
@goateeguy112211225 жыл бұрын
Imagine how flattering it must have been to be cast as the legal representative of all attractive girls
@bunnieskitties2934 жыл бұрын
Goatee guy.. Mike Greenman has a goatee.. Holy shit its Mike Greenman 12 years later still trying to get with the AGU!
@FirstnameLastname-es1ko4 жыл бұрын
Bunnies Kitties lmao that was exactly what I was thinking😂😂
@UndefinedBailiwick4 жыл бұрын
She looks like a more attractive version of Ivanka.
@jaspermay58134 жыл бұрын
Or, imagine how arrogant you must be to audition for the role of legal representative of all attractive girls. Or, maybe people who happen to be very beautiful can't help but notice that they are.
@KevinShinwoo4 жыл бұрын
@@jaspermay5813 It's not arrogant at all. She is very beautiful and it's okay if she is aware of that. More power to her.
@ELopez5 жыл бұрын
“Awful high school play mercifully interrupted by school shooting”
@moorland67355 жыл бұрын
I like your profile pic
@FourFourSeven5 жыл бұрын
Dark humor is best humor!
@rawtrout34025 жыл бұрын
lmao accurate
@rawtrout34025 жыл бұрын
Bruce Wayne school shootings are a meme in america. they're pretty funny
@bloodlove935 жыл бұрын
@Bruce Wayne I'll thank you not to lump in everyone from the "millennial generation " in the same group with eachother much less with gen z. I personally haven't a damn thing in common with a single person from either of those groups and I'm almost 26,not everyone from that time is the same believe it or not. I hate the fuck nugget bitch baby snowflakes as much as anyone if not more. And honestly I'm tired of people assuming all are the same because some of us are better than that bullshit. Sincerely a nearly 26 yr old male who wishes he was born 20 years earlier. Because I get along better with people who are between 40 to 70.
@Mario_16113 жыл бұрын
"5-6 push ups per night and plans to start jogging soon" Holy hell, I just realized I might be Mike Greenman.
@hydrogenmissle3 жыл бұрын
@Aquatic Ape not yet im getting there, see they at least acknowledge his existence
@Nyante3 жыл бұрын
@@hydrogenmissle Big oof
@claytonchaney91713 жыл бұрын
I think we have all been Mike Greenman at one time or another
@Abadon8524563 жыл бұрын
Do them in the morning, it will wake you the fuck up better than coffee
@agilblack76263 жыл бұрын
You fuck up everything, why do you even try? 🤣🤣 poor mike.
@Imperiused2 жыл бұрын
"He must also commit to a censure of laughing at his own jokes." "Hard bargain there." I almost doubled over
@bentlergerjamin2783 Жыл бұрын
Odds are you're an Onion Writer and/or Mike Greenman
@path1024 Жыл бұрын
So you quartered over? Or you thought about doubling over, but then decided against it? Can we get a clarification?
@crispygecko7294 Жыл бұрын
@@path1024 nerd
@Omnihilo Жыл бұрын
@MomPickMeUpImScared-st4wi I can’t express how much I love this comment.
@user-uy6gx8bo6l9 ай бұрын
@@Omnihilo it's gone
@YeshuaIsTheTruth4 жыл бұрын
I love how the attractive girls union gave actually good advice for like 90% of single dudes. I also feel personally attacked.
@consideringorthodoxy54953 жыл бұрын
whatsmyageagain You need to get some good dress pants. On a 10 minute target run once, I grabbed the first pair of dress pants i saw (was late for a band concert) and it happens to be the best fitting and nicest material pants I have every worn.
@mai77593 жыл бұрын
The “staring for 30 minutes until he comes over to complement their shoes” hits too close
@neurofiedyamato87633 жыл бұрын
@Ahmed Kirkuk Eh not really. Gotta consider when this video was made, video games isn't as widely accepted as it is today. Games were considered nerdy male thing.
@eyalgreen82853 жыл бұрын
@@consideringorthodoxy5495 This is dated, don't wear dress pants in public when you're not at work, it's weird. Wear well fitted jeans or 5" inseam shorts. The jeans should preferably be light washed or black depending on the outfit.
@consideringorthodoxy54953 жыл бұрын
@@eyalgreen8285 I will admit, it is out of place. But we can change that.
@skylarfox_bmb4 жыл бұрын
"How do you respond to the new pants Mike Greenman is wearing today?" "We have not noticed them." LMAOO
@theemirofjaffa22663 жыл бұрын
Dang! That was harsh. Poor Mike.
@mr.fodder72603 жыл бұрын
at least mike greenman took a stock in a JMU (kidding we love u)
@skylarfox_bmb3 жыл бұрын
@@mr.fodder7260 what the fuck why is everyone finding me
@skylarfox_bmb3 жыл бұрын
I don't even play smash bruh
@mr.fodder72603 жыл бұрын
@@skylarfox_bmb rivals gang
@larrylentini56883 жыл бұрын
I like to imagine that Mike was one of the writers that everyone decided to roast with this sketch.
@Xenomorthian3 жыл бұрын
Definitely
@goofball1_1342 жыл бұрын
im thinking its onion initiation
@WesleyWyndam-Pryce2 жыл бұрын
Sketch? This is the real deal.
@history_addict136 Жыл бұрын
His name is Michael Pielocik, he wrote the sketch, and that was his picture then, now he evolved from an unsightly goatee to a full beard.
@iamdumbsometimes483 Жыл бұрын
These are real peolpe Real sittiuantions
@undeadnightorc3 жыл бұрын
The Attractive Rich Guys Union is offering advice: "Just be yourself, lol."
@QuirkyShiny3 жыл бұрын
Why would you ask that union for advice though? They have no experience requiring negotiations and they have a vested interest in Mike continuing to fuck up
@thomastmc3 жыл бұрын
The Attractive Rich Guys Union is full men who've been divorced 5 times and just get drunk and complain about women and supercar maintenance.
@nachoalfonso26143 жыл бұрын
@@thomastmc Projecting much?
@thomastmc3 жыл бұрын
@@nachoalfonso2614 I've never been divorced, don't drink often, think women are great, and have no opinion on supercar maintenance... Sorry if that hit a little too close to home for you 😉
@manwithonesub83603 жыл бұрын
Hello fellow Mr Warcraft 3 man.
@daaave_5 жыл бұрын
“It’s been going on for mikes entire life at this point. He just keeps fucking up why does he even try.”
@ryanv12795 жыл бұрын
DJ hits the feels
@timmarshall72924 жыл бұрын
While I thought this was hilarious; unfortunately, this comment is why I wouldn't share with friends and family.
@timmarshall72924 жыл бұрын
@TheGOPforlife I am just saying; that is unfortunate.
@izanagi51364 жыл бұрын
I feel attacked
@LuisSierra424 жыл бұрын
This is COMEDY GOLD
@cmprodutions8 жыл бұрын
Another good option is the attractive, but mildly unstable girls union. They offer a lot of the same benefits, but are a little more open to negotiation.
@JRexRegis8 жыл бұрын
ah, that union will eventually fall into chaos, and you don't want to be a contractor if that happens.
@Ben-rz9cf8 жыл бұрын
yeah we're looking at a 3 point crawl in the pussy index and then a sudden and mass market panic for no discernible reason, followed by ovary hyperinflation, followed by a deep deep depression that further devalues the stock he has in that old beat up miata he lent to her that she crashed into her ex boyfriends living room... also as we know dealing with the unstable girls union generally requires a worldwide, non transferrable exclusive license to threaten to kill themselves any time he looks at another girl, which is severely limiting to any upward mobility for mike greenman in the near future, especially when she cuts off his downward mobility by slashing his tendons and then kissing him frantically and saying she did it because she loves him as she blocks him from trying to call the hospital.
@dumbasffff7 жыл бұрын
when the comments start getting personal
@warpartyattheoutpost49876 жыл бұрын
sarcastic bowl of cornflakes, story of my life.
@wellesradio5 жыл бұрын
Unfortunately, they’ve also shut Greenman out. Apparently they’re just sane enough to realize they’re out of his league. Also, they’re more into the “bad boy who becomes dangerous man” type.
@erwincuellar58063 жыл бұрын
The Onion has better dating advice than almost all serious sources I’ve come across.
@coops1992 Жыл бұрын
Their dating advice is for Chads not average or below men who those women won't ever notice anyway LOL
@personita2.733 Жыл бұрын
@@coops1992you really need to see this video lmao
@dariusalexandru95369 ай бұрын
@@coops1992 you really need some help
@vdorocket2 ай бұрын
Get mental health help, work out, be kind but not a pushover, be a gentleman but not expecting anything
@adotinthecosmos3 жыл бұрын
I represent the "Bros that only talk about video games" union. We would like to send a formal invitation to Mike.
@abyssmage69793 жыл бұрын
I know many girls don't like guys who play video games a lot but invite them over for a game of minecraft or two and i sure bet you guys will have lots of fun
@thomashawkins61543 жыл бұрын
@Brian Kristofer Perez I gotta say even if it seems naive to me its awful nice of ya to say that
@abyssmage69793 жыл бұрын
@@thomashawkins6154 i mean, isn't that the point of video games? To have fun? Though of course wasting all of your life on videogames and not living an active life is a whole different story
@thomashawkins61543 жыл бұрын
@@abyssmage6979 Good point. I guess it would be for a decent person rather than using them as a cowardly escape sorta thing
@Jinkroll2 жыл бұрын
@@abyssmage6979 i love playing video games with my partners ❤️❤️❤️ just don’t have a gamer rage
@andersonfuller79124 жыл бұрын
The "slightly over-weight, frizzy haired girls union or the insecure ugg boot over jeans girls union it would be enough, but the attractive girls union is very powerful" bit is just so good. The way he emphasizes very. He sounds identical to a news reporter talking about actual unions
@keysersoze50323 жыл бұрын
unions? They still exist?
@ananyasahoo26153 жыл бұрын
I didn't know I was a part of the slightly overweight, frizzy haired girls union till your comment. Noice.
@averagecitizen8633 жыл бұрын
In my experience, that union is also very powerfull, it even got more power thanks to the body positivity movement
@johnmccrossan93763 жыл бұрын
Fake news, I've been trying to make contact with the slightly overweight frizzy hair girls union for years and their standards have gotten exponentially higher as their relative net worth increases along with the popularity of the third meme. In addition their local branch is nearly devoid of members and they near universally dislike cycling, which majorly devalues my main offering of having like, really strong thighs.
@chene-aurelgaudreau10723 жыл бұрын
@@keysersoze5032 outside the US they do
@douglagver98125 жыл бұрын
I feel like the AGU's demands are fairly reasonable.
@jennbaker69645 жыл бұрын
as with most union demands
@9Godslayer5 жыл бұрын
I don't know about that. The better clothes clause was extremely vague. He should get his lawyer to schedule a meeting in order to clarify the wording of that contract.
@KeanuOR5 жыл бұрын
@Knight-Sgt. Reyes It's only with regards to conversation pieces. Though the AGU does not actively recognize videogames as a right at the table conversation table, they do recognize is essential nature for the ABA (Attractive Boy's Association) UABA, and OBA, as well as all functioning associations under the MAAOA (Male Awesome Associacion of Overarching Awesomeness)
@mohamedabdourahman98455 жыл бұрын
In fairness we all talk about work so Greenman should be able to talk about work
@goodial5 жыл бұрын
@@mohamedabdourahman9845 they do not say that he is not allowed to talk about these topics, they only criticise that these are the only topics he talks about. Offering discussion on a wide range of topics would facilitate the situation ...
@BigShnarff3 жыл бұрын
"He just keeps fucking up why does he even try?" Delivered with an absolute straight face! Love It!
@lemmiix2 жыл бұрын
As a spokesperson of the small men-below-average-height union, I am once again announcing our willingness to collaborate with the women-above-average-height union. We still think this pact is in the interest of both of us and could benefit both our current status greatly.
@aprilshowers3246 Жыл бұрын
as an active member of the women above average height union and head of the press office I can agree that our past collaborative efforts have been successful and we are open to further collaborations in the near future
@endlessbubblebath Жыл бұрын
@@aprilshowers3246 this is sooo true!! forget about dated conventional attractive standards- a really successful dynamic is the short king with adorably charming and funny mannerisms teaming up with the endearing cool mommy energy from the tall girlies
@aprilshowers3246 Жыл бұрын
@@endlessbubblebath love it!
@NVanHiker11 ай бұрын
As a long-time Below Average Height union member, I can report that I am in a rewarding long-term contract with a member of the Fairly Attractive Asian Girls union. My offer of a COLA clause clinched the deal.
@EL-mc3cs10 ай бұрын
Indeed, I am in fact a product of one such union alliance.
@wilbursmith67957 жыл бұрын
Most reliable news channel in America
@wronggg7 жыл бұрын
Wilbur Smith Amen.
@Thornspyre815 жыл бұрын
Ahahaha, that must be horrible
@jamesbehrje42795 жыл бұрын
Almost as comical as CNN!!!
@AngloSupreme5 жыл бұрын
By far.
@Simon-oy7kf5 жыл бұрын
For America... Yeah probably
@WolfA45 жыл бұрын
"Offer conversation outside of video games, his job at Barnes and Noble, and the New York Giants. I feel personally attacked.
@ZechsMerquise734 жыл бұрын
To be fair, the AGU struggles on conversation beyond babies they saw, that party they went to, local hookup gossip, work, and some shitty memes they saw on Instagram. Mike Greenman's best option here is to develop a hobby AGU members are vaguely familiar with, and then attempt to teach it to them in a one-on-one setting, whereby AGUs will feign an extreme dexterity deficit.
@sonoftheway35284 жыл бұрын
@ZechsMerquise73 I've literally never heard 2 human females have a conversation with each other about anything other than each other's personal lives. if they talk about movies/shows they watch, its only ever about which guys are attractive, nothing about the plot or anything. they can talk about other things WITH guys but, never with each other.
@The_Essential_Review4 жыл бұрын
@@adiarratudoumbia3149 Lol! Legit good one
@The_Essential_Review4 жыл бұрын
@@adiarratudoumbia3149 lolx2 for repost?
@camilianSLC4 жыл бұрын
this skit goes too fucking far!
@sriharshacv77603 жыл бұрын
"Attractive girls union is a very powerful union" - Very true.
@miamitten1123 Жыл бұрын
Arguably the most powerful union in the world.
@coops1992 Жыл бұрын
Who cares now anyway, those girls in the video are now old and wrinkled themselves lol.
@yesand5536 Жыл бұрын
@@miamitten1123 There is a sunset clause of about 15 years from legal recognition of adulthood.
@zh2266 Жыл бұрын
They have as much power as you give them
@Gerald-vi8ky7 ай бұрын
Only for thirty years. Then the world is ours!!! Rich tall fit older guys union.
@myfirstcrappyvideobilly3 жыл бұрын
The fact they're giving him a standoff is respectable.
@DrJ-hx7wv Жыл бұрын
Yes, it implies that they recognize his existence
@hachimanhikigaya23394 жыл бұрын
It's been on youtube for 11 years Why am I only seeing this now? This is some next level satire.
@LuisSierra424 жыл бұрын
I wish the onion continues making this gold material
@rageagaintstheNWO4 жыл бұрын
@@LuisSierra42 They have gone to shit a long time ago.
@braddocke.hutton73924 жыл бұрын
The Onion has gotten too political now
@mannotwiththeplan4 жыл бұрын
Don't forget to also watch the Brain-Dead Teen video; they aired when that vegetative state controversy was going on.
@dougchampion80844 жыл бұрын
I can't believe The Onion has under two million subscribers after being on KZbin this long and being so huge... what gives? These videos are gold, better than SNL, better than most sketch comedy and yet somehow they've gone unseen.
@no1reallycaresabout25 жыл бұрын
I hear the Anime Body Pillow Union is always open to negotiations
@sageoftruth4 жыл бұрын
Very true. According to their memo, they're willing to enter an agreement with anyone who has at least $100 of disposable income and lives close to anime merch shop, or has an Amazon account. However, I've heard that making deals with them often shuts down any potential for negotiation with the other unions, so it's best used as a last resort.
@brandonden7954 жыл бұрын
It's not like they like you or anything though baka
@kerryxu1194 жыл бұрын
However it's noteworthy that Mr. Greenman's conversation topics consist solely of video games, the NY Giants, and his job at Barnes and Noble, so it seems in order to open up diplomatic relations with the Anime Body Pillow Union he will definitely have to develop a weird fetish for something. This condition is by far the most important sine qua non for basic negotiations to begin, and even then I feel Mr. Greenman's mental state has not deteriorated to the state at which he can stay with the ABPU for long.
@ErikPT3 жыл бұрын
@@sageoftruth The WOO is open to bridging for Mike
@SacredDaturana3 жыл бұрын
"...." emphasized spokespillow Kimiko-tan in a press release earlier today.
@davigurgel20403 жыл бұрын
Imagine applying for playing a member of the the attractive girls union and not getting the role
@russclineff6443 Жыл бұрын
I like how 14 years later this is still so relatable
@badbabybear111 ай бұрын
This will ALWAYS be relatable.
@jchen89023 жыл бұрын
As the legal representative of the Insecure-Ugg-Boots-over-Jeans-Girls-Union, I am pleased to announce that the board has agreed to accept Mr. Greenman's terms if he is willing to provide any modicum of attention and does not spend longer than two days to reply to our texts.
@Saixjacket3 жыл бұрын
Jade Lin Lee Chen thank you, your willingness to do business at a minor loss initially is the sign of success in the post 2020 bargaining forum. You will be rewarded with a reliable representative and significant ROI in due time.
@spencergravy74523 жыл бұрын
My data analytics specialist has projected a teetered forecast of substantial ups and downs followed by "its time to talk'. The new safety protocols are really locking things up downtown. This new Red Tape lobby is anything but topless, and thats the bottom line.
@DirtyPrancing3 жыл бұрын
Agreed. Once the merger is complete, we can use quarterly performance reviews to address the same topics the AGU brought up.
@andersaskjrgensen54683 жыл бұрын
@@DirtyPrancing Exactly: If men's counsel tell them negotiations with any girls union will end at a specified time and not go on until the death of one of the parties to the contract, then their professional competencies should be questioned
@panicwithcompulsion3 жыл бұрын
And gets rid of that goatee.
@hankhill2439 жыл бұрын
I love the Slightly Overweight Frizzy Haired Girls Union. They've always been very good to me.
@ohdogwow28 жыл бұрын
That's because they smell like propane!
@jayjaygolden51237 жыл бұрын
I personally find what they have on offer much more intriguing than what the Attractive Girls Union chooses to concern itself with.
@jayjaygolden51237 жыл бұрын
That said, the Nerdy Girls Union is truly the best one.
@Dracopol6 жыл бұрын
Fat girls are like mo-peds. They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you with one.
@splash_0676 жыл бұрын
ohdogwow2 propane does have a smell, what you smell is put in by man.
@classifiedveteran98797 ай бұрын
0:34 _"Aweful high school play mercifully interrupted by high school shooting."_ These are some genius writers the onion news has.
@KaoticReach19993 жыл бұрын
"He fks up everything, why does he try anymore" LOL
@kamaraalya76076 жыл бұрын
This video addresses the issue of "nice guys" before it even became a big fad on the internet lol
@canos96495 жыл бұрын
"nice guys" are a part of human culture. They're are documents that suggests that the AGU member Carmen was already confronted with a "nice guy" called José more than hundred years ago.
@tray-oq1nj5 жыл бұрын
@@canos9649 true. There is nothing new about that.
@elizabeth17035 жыл бұрын
you call that a nice guy......
@tyronelannister99225 жыл бұрын
Its called limp dick dudes, nothing new
@Neo2266.5 жыл бұрын
Elizabeth *** Look up some “nice guys texts” to see what they mean
@Rat-Baby6 жыл бұрын
This is extremely controversial. As a member of the Slightly Overweight Frizzy-haired Girl's Union, I can assure everyone that the very miniscule concessions Mike has made would do very little in the way of negotiation. In addition, Greg from the Mail Room winked at us last week and he's much taller and less chubby than Mike. Also, his car starts on the first try, we've heard it.
@wilsonsilva29185 жыл бұрын
While negotiating with different unions is always a smart move, Greg from the Mail Room already partnered with the Attractive Girls Union, and considering current trends, that is unlikely to change.
@erikruder33605 жыл бұрын
Due to union laws that some have been calling to revoke, unions can only effect a leadership merger with a single other union at a time. This unfortunately means that, at the present, trade deals with other, "taken" unions will be severely restricted and unsatisfying for the untaken party.
@rafaeterna10815 жыл бұрын
what's with the car thing tho. did you muricans really lack of new car that heavy maintenance is sexy ? i mean, I've heard that you guys like to buy second hands or even third ones. never thought it'll be a part of the culture or even humour
@maxtew65215 жыл бұрын
@@rafaeterna1081 Like anywhere, having a car is a status symbol, and a very basic one here. If your car doesn't start, it's not the vehicle being second or third hand that makes it questionable, it's the fact you have a car that is of poor quality. It is embarrassing for your car not to start, except for the reason of needing a jump.
@mymorenoblepursuits91735 жыл бұрын
Has SOF-HGU considered Andrew, a waiter at Applebees? Although we do not know much about him, he has been very nice. He's given us full attention when taking our order, smiled, touched our shoulder, and even winked at us once. This earned him a nice tip, but should we also give him our number?
@abujabi2 жыл бұрын
You have to admit, Attractive Girl's Union's demands are pretty reasonable
@jean-lucpicard55108 ай бұрын
And all of his demands ate ignored? It goes both ways
@johnmccrossan93766 ай бұрын
@@jean-lucpicard5510what are Mr greenman's posted demands
@fernandaph8405Ай бұрын
He wants them, not the other way around lol @@jean-lucpicard5510
@immortalsun3 жыл бұрын
I like how the spokesperson for the Attractive Girls Union can’t stop herself from smiling. Hard to get through such a silly script.
@futsk015 жыл бұрын
I tried to laugh at this, I really did. But all I got is tears.
@josephsolis61094 жыл бұрын
Awe, poor dude 😅
@yashnanda64134 жыл бұрын
😆😆😆😆 oh man...you know, this can't be entirely true ... I'm just saying
@LuisSierra424 жыл бұрын
There there
@JimothyRoss4 жыл бұрын
All this consolation is heartwarming.
@guangzhou91494 жыл бұрын
everyone gangsta till we realize we are mike greenman in our own different ways
@HGWells-wk7oj11 жыл бұрын
"He fucks up everything. Why does he even try anymore." Wait... At what point did this stop being lighthearted fiction, and start being about me?
@aztecmixtli6 жыл бұрын
H. G. Wells Yeah, it really drive it in.
@chrisreed40655 жыл бұрын
r/suicidebywords
@31TeV5 жыл бұрын
The two aren't mutually exclusive.
@vanmoody4 жыл бұрын
Just be the best you that you can be and the right girl will come along.
@klutz39554 жыл бұрын
oof
@davidr4523 Жыл бұрын
Absolutely brilliant script. The arbitrator last line was the best, ".. its been going on for Mike's entire life right now and there is really no reason to believe it will change."
@julianfantasia90333 жыл бұрын
This is a beautifully crafted video. I think this every time their stuff comes across my dash, but the writers at the Onion are really talented, damn.
@BreeElisexo5 жыл бұрын
“Slightly overweight frizzy haired girls union” I feel attacked LOL
@lukealadeen78364 жыл бұрын
@Th3Aggr3ssiv3 Cons3rvativ3 Dude its a cat, wtf is wrong with you
@siyacer4 жыл бұрын
@Th3Aggr3ssiv3 Cons3rvativ3 you boutta get hacked bouy
@LighterST4 жыл бұрын
What are these comments lmao
@BINFP4 жыл бұрын
Right! 😂😂
@thetwilightzone24034 жыл бұрын
Unfortunately you've recently been contacted by the Furry/Weird Fetish Community.
@RainAngel1113 жыл бұрын
I appreciate the little nod to the slightly overweight and frizzy haired girls union. We can't all be models!
@Doctor-Infinite3 жыл бұрын
Ok but can we just talk about how frickn adorable that profile pic is for a sec Nuff said
@the_j_machine22542 жыл бұрын
Where is your picture from?
@ahhh41172 жыл бұрын
Frizzy hair comes from 2 things: dryness and breakage. Use heat protector when u apply heat and don't brush ur hair when it's wet. Use a hair oil (coconut, rosemary, argan, are the more popular choices) -From a former member of Guys with Frizzy Hair Union and now a member of Guys with Soft Wavy Hair Union
@himlolo2 жыл бұрын
Being overweight is usually easy to get rid of
@archevenault2 жыл бұрын
@@himlolo nope, comes down to genetics and psychological factors
@GismoTron3 жыл бұрын
I'm knee deep in an Onion hole. All I see is Onions. Everywhere I look, Onions. I must consume more Onions.
@PseudoFiction3 жыл бұрын
get that folic acid Dan
@Doctor-Infinite3 жыл бұрын
Holy crap this comment is even more hilarious out of context
@Xenomorthian3 жыл бұрын
An average round of SS13
@BelcarrigFarm3 жыл бұрын
Well onions have layers
@ruidadgmailcanada8508 Жыл бұрын
14 year old video and you nailed it. Every line was important. Amazing writing acting and production.
@dannybenhur61234 жыл бұрын
Onion has most professional actors...
@raymondfair78227 жыл бұрын
He really should get rid of his goatee though
@somkeshav41435 жыл бұрын
Big Ray Is why?
@yellowblanka60585 жыл бұрын
@@somkeshav4143 Either grow a full beard or don't bother IMO.
@somkeshav41435 жыл бұрын
woah dude I mean a full beard is cool and all but I don't think the AGU would find a neckbeard that attractive, however a compromise might be to grow his mustache more so he can pull off a Gordon Freeman look.
@yellowblanka60585 жыл бұрын
@@somkeshav4143 By "full beard" I mean a standard beard, neatly trimmed (including the neck), not just a douchy little goatee. Not one of those ludicrous "prospector" or "lumberjack" beards that are trendy nowadays. Also, if Mike spends his whole life kow-towing to AGU sanctions, he's going to be miserable.
@somkeshav41435 жыл бұрын
@Yellowblanka think it suits him hypothetically speaking should he get ur definiton of a standard beard? Usually someone has a certain look to pull it off.....
@alejandroalemanhernandez40713 жыл бұрын
"He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore?" Yup, that's me.
@SarastistheSerpent2 жыл бұрын
An undisclosed source close to Mr. Greenman has indicated that he has signed a contract with the Bi-curious Guys Willing to Try Anything Once Union that includes a strict non-disclosure agreement.
@jat166815 жыл бұрын
"He fucks up everything, so why even try anymore." Awesome..
@purple-edge3 жыл бұрын
*_i laughed at first.. but then i realized i'm actually in worse shape than Mike Greenman_*
@Saixjacket3 жыл бұрын
Purple Edge Makes me realize that I need to check my privilege for being over 6 feet tall and doing a physical job for a living that still pays well. I’ve never really been to a gym in my life (always physically active however), and a guy like Mike probably puts in more of an effort than I do into physical appearance, but I could probably still beat Mikes ass, and that is what separates me from my Mike by simple genetics. Sorry Mike.
@raftlack43263 жыл бұрын
Yes!! Same here, but its okay I remembered we can still go out with the slightly overweight frizzly hair girls union
@potatopoh-tah-toh50393 жыл бұрын
@@Saixjacket "a physical job for a living that still pays well" What are you, a geoscientist or something? I've tried my hand on carpentry a few years back, and the pay is somewhat stable if you're smart with your finances, it's just exhausting AF.
@samuelprincenimley27823 жыл бұрын
Jesus will take away all shame.
@jenm13 жыл бұрын
They're protesting his personality, not really his looks. the looks bit is in regards to adding on the dumpster fire, but it wouldnt be offensive if he behaved normally
@El_IF_B_210 ай бұрын
God these onion videos are all gold, like seriously, every single one I’ve seen is hilarious. Please bring these back
@4kmentality3 ай бұрын
I love how all of the characters are perfect generalizations of the people they're meant to represent. It's amazingly accurate for the time this was made. 😆
@joeroche4065 жыл бұрын
Oh my god the Onion invented the Chad meme format
@Envy_May4 жыл бұрын
YEAH I-
@onemillionpercent4 жыл бұрын
For reallll 😭
@dylanjulve53743 жыл бұрын
This whole bit is way ahead of its time
@lamosos3 жыл бұрын
No, they invented the Cody format. Dumb internet virgins turned it into Chad.
@wronggg3 жыл бұрын
@@dylanjulve5374 It wasn't ahead of its time, you're just way behind the times. Ain't nothing new under the sun!
@Revelwoodie6 жыл бұрын
As a representative of the freaky metal-chicks union, I've been authorized to announce that we WILL be open to negotiations with Mr. Greenman if he grows his hair out and learns to play guitar.
@wronggg6 жыл бұрын
revelwoodie Mr Greenman unfortunately committed suicide after his 1000th attempt at negotiations failed swiftly leaving him with virtually zero realistic hope for happiness in the future.
@JenoPaciano5 жыл бұрын
That actually worked for my Mike-ish friend in high school.
@manie.82415 жыл бұрын
Cannot comply to hair standards, the oil build up is unnecessary and uncomfortable. Perhaps a compromise then, do pecs and large muscles sound like worthwhile concessions? Also, Saxophone, no string instruments.
@arealhuman8265 жыл бұрын
Sick sick sick
@KidCity19855 жыл бұрын
Are you dating my son?
@terrsham56073 жыл бұрын
"He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore"! 😂 😂 😂 😂
@mohitpandey96333 жыл бұрын
Ohh man..I am being obsessed with this channel...completely changed the definition of comedy...🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
@Mrsteisag25 жыл бұрын
“We have not noticed them” Sounds about right
@yeahokbuddy25105 жыл бұрын
"He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore." lmao i can relate
@gary_dg7 ай бұрын
This stuff is great !! I didn't realize I've been living under a rock my whole adult life. This interweb (& The Onion) are spectacular. PTO today and tomorrow for an Onion binge.
@Madison_r_2004 Жыл бұрын
“Awful high school play mercifully interrupted by school shooting…” 💀
@yeye993 жыл бұрын
“Any other questions regarding my smile or wave needs to be directed towards my office” 💀🗿
@chrislife11014 жыл бұрын
1/2 of me laughed at this, the other half felt attacked
@imfineimokay34344 жыл бұрын
Yes, indeed
@fatmayo22933 жыл бұрын
That's the fun in it!
@lenefyecak90243 жыл бұрын
That pfp tho
@mikeblank5139 Жыл бұрын
For the last 20 years, I have been a member of the "Ugly Old Men's Club". Talks with the "Attractive Girls Union" ended years ago. .
@coops1992 Жыл бұрын
Who cares anyway, those women in the video are now kinda old and ugly themselves xD
@appa6093 жыл бұрын
This just proves that mike greenman needs to unionize. Can't expect one guy to out negotiate a collective
@scottmatheson334610 ай бұрын
collective bargaining only works when you have something the other side wants. Most women these days are better off single than being partnered with available men, a condition that's only likely to broaden and deepen in future years.
@LolTollhurst8 ай бұрын
Independent analysis shows any new incel company would not contain the fundamental value that is the basis for negotiations with any of the unions: the potential of any position at an *attractive* company.
@soulsunshine1083 жыл бұрын
"Once in a dentist office, which is awkward." I felt that as someone who has been hit on in a dentist office. 😆
@timolanlau74543 жыл бұрын
"So uhh you have really nice teeth Haha..." 😂
@komperakompera21903 жыл бұрын
Howdy missy you up for some late night tooth brushing?
@teaguejelinek40383 жыл бұрын
Ever been hit on in the comments section of KZbin? 😉
@Saixjacket3 жыл бұрын
For some people it’s like, they’re never going to see you again so why not take a shot? I hit on the girl at the storage place the other day, I didn’t particularly care about it because if she responds well, fine, if not, no big deal here is my money to store my stuff in a rectangle.
@thomasolson74473 жыл бұрын
Was that you?
@Jefff726 жыл бұрын
I gave up on the AGU and went into negotiation with the NGNDU (Nice Girl Next Door Union). I found one that would enter into talks and after several high level meetings, she is now my wife.
@joshywash9115 жыл бұрын
Wholesome
@quietcorner2935 жыл бұрын
IMO the NGNDU are just as attractive without the "I'm all that" attitude. They are difficult to find as they tend not stand out. They are often at the back of the club or hanging out with their friends. You have to be careful in your approach. If you move too fast like trying to grind on the dance floor, they will be gone. You can make a innocent joke to break the tension. If she accepts your offer to have further communication, take it slow. If she goes on a conference with you, don't try to score. You have to get to know her.
@gayusschwulius84905 жыл бұрын
Did you just imply you find your wife unattractive? Lmao
@erikruder33605 жыл бұрын
How are you enjoying the tax benefits?
@Jefff725 жыл бұрын
@@gayusschwulius8490 I found her quite attractive. She just didn't have the "attitude."
@LolaSilvers2 жыл бұрын
This is brilliant lol! This is the kind of news that I would actually watch. More on Attractive Girls Union, please! 😆🤣❤🥰
@irateeverything3512 жыл бұрын
My new favorite news source 10/10 stars
@ichangedmyname00015 жыл бұрын
" any question regarding my smile or my wave need to be directed towards my office "
@thedashboard95627 жыл бұрын
"A hard bargain there." Lmao! This is freaking hilarious!
@BirdGang69 ай бұрын
This is a great take on a real problem in America. I’ve seen plenty of people who think as long as a man is nice to a woman she is expected to be interested in him.
@fredfredburger5150Ай бұрын
I know right? It's like when women think the fact that they're women means men owe them something 🤣
@user-fe8du3ig7nАй бұрын
In America? Try "anywhere where people live"
@Ben-kv7wr6 ай бұрын
As a bargaining director for their sister union AGGU (Annoying Gay Guys’ Union) im announcing that we will be walking with the AGU should negotiations cool and call for labor action
@mrniceguy71684 жыл бұрын
1:45 - looks the Chad-Virgin meme. The Onion consistently predicting the future
@kaievans99914 жыл бұрын
Freaky
@Maieveryday24 жыл бұрын
Yeah it's really creepy
@thegoodkidboy77263 жыл бұрын
It's an ancient meme that's gone through many iterations.
@agentc70203 жыл бұрын
The Good Kid Boy and this one was 11 years ago, memes weren’t that much of a deal back in 2008 unlike now
@thegoodkidboy77263 жыл бұрын
@@agentc7020 memes aren't an internet exclusive. I was talking about Dawkin's original definition, which includes internet memes.
@cutecommie6 жыл бұрын
This is how incels view the world.
@dipdip72505 жыл бұрын
Amen
@AtmoStk5 жыл бұрын
Getting really tired of everyone commenting the same shit. They hear 'incel' or 'redpill' once and keep babbling over and over again. Get a fucking clue.
@raggedcritical5 жыл бұрын
That was my thought from just the title, but it kept getting more and more specific, even down to the "a nice guy, unlike most of the douchbags...". This is gold.
@errorinscript11275 жыл бұрын
Everyons an incel proove me wrong
@wellesradio5 жыл бұрын
No. This is what those dorks would be like in a kinder world - able to laugh at themselves and the foibles of humanity and dating the way the rest of us do. Approaching life with humor, not bitterness.
@DibbzTV Жыл бұрын
These skits are timeless lol
@gaminglegend3 жыл бұрын
I like how nowadays, the "dated" and "trendy" haircuts have flipped
@aceman00000992 жыл бұрын
No, both are dated now
@Covey73425 жыл бұрын
“He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore?” Yep, that one cut me real deep.
@MrCompassionate014 жыл бұрын
Reliable sources suggest Mike Greenman is currently stuck in a vicious cycle where his lack of real life interpersonal skills is causing him to use the videogames as a form of escapism but since all he knows to talk about is videogames it simply reinforces his existing defecit of populairity. Experts theorise if he were to aquire new hobbies or at minimum listen to non-videogame based podcasts it might broaden the range of conversation topics he could offer to the Attractive Girls Union but testimony from Mike's only friend suggests chances of this outcome are slim to none.
@maazkalim10 ай бұрын
Who pays you?°
@MrCompassionate0110 ай бұрын
@@maazkalim what do you mean?
@maazkalim10 ай бұрын
I meant for your woohoo creativity - man…!
@chucklos391 Жыл бұрын
I’m dying! This utterly genius and hilarious! 😂😂😂
@str8dominican3 жыл бұрын
This might be my new favorite KZbin channel.
@mort85685 жыл бұрын
set aside the pure gold that is the allegory that the plot is based on, the actors' subtle yet remarkably effective additions, such as talking over the last second of each others' sentences and the general facial expressions they seamlessly import from actual news commentators-- this whole video is literally *too good* for KZbin
@JK-vp2ux5 жыл бұрын
There is so much going on in this clip. Gotta say, nailed it from both ends.
@rascallyrabbit7174 жыл бұрын
It appears that Mike won't be nailing anyone in the coming years
@davoshaunessy34283 жыл бұрын
Both ends are covered ?
@bartholomewdan3 жыл бұрын
@@rascallyrabbit717 this one is good
@p528932 жыл бұрын
Absolutely brilliant.
@hirat97303 жыл бұрын
"He fucks up everything why does he even try anymore." I am not Mike but that hurt man.
@deadlandplacebo16954 жыл бұрын
I guarantee this has brought a real life Mike Greenman to tears
@matlew19604 жыл бұрын
Pros & Cons for Mike. Pro = A hell of a lot of very sexy attractive girls know who you are. Con = They couldn't give a rats ass about whether you live or die. I'm sure that the reporter asking the attractive spokeswoman was in fact Mike Greenman in disguise..
@oldbatwit51023 жыл бұрын
Wow, eerily prophetic. The sad thing is that in the years since this we have had attacks on women and even murders by guys like this, using this same argument.
@josieann5031Ай бұрын
Over the years this has popped up on the recommended videos. It never fails to make have a REAL laugh. (I don't laugh easily.)
@SonicSeraphim4 жыл бұрын
"He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore"
@dorkmax70735 жыл бұрын
So does the Big Tiddy Goth Girl Union have representatives to which men can speak to negotiate terms?
@DestructionOfRome4 жыл бұрын
They are unfortunately majority anti-union due to monthly membership costs that cut into expenditure on cosmetics and apparel such as various shades of blue and black eyeliner along with custom fitted lace undergarments
@tjstrong36074 жыл бұрын
Ive heard they do-- but while they have lower hygiene and dress standards, they demand at least one Tattoo, or one pierced ear..
@slothz50633 жыл бұрын
@@tjstrong3607 Damn that is a hardbargain.
@Saixjacket3 жыл бұрын
TJ Strong For me, if a woman has a problem with my lack of tattoos, it’s not hard to tell how hard it was for them to scrap together money to get whatever amount of them they have. It’s like, I could put my whole body in a sleeve if I felt like it, but if you want to scrap together $3000 for a back piece over five years, that’s cool too I guess.
@beverycarefuljohn5863 жыл бұрын
I've heard almost all of them only look for other alternative guys. So better buy some eyeliner.
@springladyrose19182 жыл бұрын
The seriousness of the news anchor 😂😭🤣
@ricksb19 ай бұрын
Discovering this today. Gem.
@bryancheron69023 жыл бұрын
Anyone else read the legal document at 2:01? I'm impressed they went through the effort of typing all that up in legalese.
@Rice80033 жыл бұрын
Could make it out
@MeizanoAM2 жыл бұрын
So true
@stang28894 жыл бұрын
"He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore" I feel like I've been personally attacked
@deathandroses38613 жыл бұрын
It's ok
@thomasbettisiii71563 жыл бұрын
This is fantastic. I hope to renew contracts with the AGU after this Covid stuff is done. 😁
@n0lain3 жыл бұрын
The way he says "he fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore" in such a deadpan voice kills me lmao
@Jimbogf6 жыл бұрын
The Nice Guys Union's attempt at creating a physical agreement with the Attractive Girls Union once again negotiates into a binding friends-zone contract.
@xmlthegreat5 жыл бұрын
Ah the old bait-and-switch. I always tell my buddies, take a hard look at the contract fine print before agreeing to it. Look for indicators such as MPD (Minimum Physical Distance) Requirements (the higher that is, the further you're in the friend-zone and any moves can be litigious), Reasons for Contact clauses (if the contact is occasional and only for specific directed purposes/aid requests, you know where you are), etc. A Costs/Deductibles Clause that stipulates that both parties 'go Dutch' is an unclear sign in these modern times however, so don't just base understanding on that. And if you get an Additional Physical Benefits clause that allows for MPD reqs to be negated occasinally, jump on that like a life raft. That's extremely rare, almost impossible to find.
@threenumbnuts5 жыл бұрын
Reasons cited include the unwillingness of the Nice Guys Union to actively do good instead of simply patting themselves on the back for being too passive to be assholes.
@Redmanticore5 жыл бұрын
The new-found wikileaked attractive girls union secret documents of Just Be Born Attractive has caused a great controversy inside the nice guys union and as a result the union has already broken down into different extremist splinter groups.
@ThomasFoolery84 жыл бұрын
Nailed it.
@possiblyadickhead66534 жыл бұрын
@@threenumbnuts xD
@cosp_ride30952 жыл бұрын
"at this juncture, we cannot negotiate with an individual who stares at us for half an hour before coming over to tell us he likes our shoes, and then stands there awkwardly" Cmon man there's introverts in this audience 😑💔
@storywala889 ай бұрын
These are too good. Why recommended so late KZbin?
@ari1234a10 жыл бұрын
i am Mike Greenman.
@jong93797 жыл бұрын
ari1234a that's the joke...
@Revelwoodie6 жыл бұрын
Also, join a cool band.
@zmm886 жыл бұрын
We are ALL Mike Greenman
@Rapscallion20099 жыл бұрын
My experience of the AGU is they're usually most open to negotiations with the "MGU" (Minted Guys Union), or occasionally the "AGU" (Attractive Guys Union). To be fair. They've clearly spent a fortune (in time, committment and money) on their appearance - it's what is interesting to them. Is it really so much of a surprise that they're primarilly interested in guys who've got the same interests?
@trashy109 жыл бұрын
I agree with you,but if Mike Greenman doesn't simply change he will never come to terms with the AGU, I can remember watching this same old thing when I was a kid about his dad Charlie Greenman and we all know how that turned out ...
@TheEyeball379 жыл бұрын
Oh my god. You speak the truth. You need 1,000,002 upvotes.
@virginiagould31674 жыл бұрын
I don't belong to the AGU myself but I'm guessing some of them would be interested in the MWGSOHWDPTH Union (Men With A Good Sense of Humor Who Don't Push To Hard)
@nR00R2 жыл бұрын
"He fucks up everything, why does he even try anymore." Damn I felt that hard
@punyaslokadas9 ай бұрын
Last part was great
@Snaaaked10 жыл бұрын
i swear to god ive been battleing this union since i was a kid and i dont see it coming to a close anytime soon.. I will have it one day
@RichardZERO10 жыл бұрын
Daniel Maydana There was no need for that... the odd hand is good... it's out of rhythm... makes it feel like someone else is doing it.
@thersten10 жыл бұрын
RichardZERO who would you rather take care of you? an amateur with no rhythm or a sexy experienced friend who knows just what you like and can keep excellent rhythm?