An INSIDIOUS type of narcissistic BULLYING

[@CodeDusq1]

Your argument that bullying is only “many against one” is overly simplistic and overlooks the complexity of power dynamics in bullying. . Bullying is about power, not just numbers. Narcissistic bullies often use gaslighting to make the victim look like the bully, even when they’re alone. This manipulation distorts the truth and misleads others. An ethical judge must recognize these tactics, not just rely on numbers, because bullying can happen through psychological control, not just majority force.

[@LisaSimplified]

Bingo.

[@monicawarren3678]

Yep,they make you in to the reason things are as they are and "why do you do it." Then why can't you just forget all that 😅 I'm a hermit now because I can't tell who is who and I'm so tired.

[@arcticgoddess]

Yep. Doncha know that YOU are the selfish one.? 😡 ugh Narcs are awful.

[@ceallly]

Gaslighting is horrible and makes dealing with this so much harder. Believing you are the problem and that you should help your family. It was not until a brother befriended an ex-boyfriend on FB and destabilised him that I realised something was wrong and it wasn't me. Videos like this on narcissism and toxic family systems that allow you to label things make a big difference. Thanks so much, Dr Ramani.

[@alimccreery755]

Very true, I’m the youngest and scapegoat in my family so I can say that what you just said is correct. This also happens in the workplace, I befriended a lead from a different team that said I was being used as a diversion and that word alone explained everything.

[@MT-tx7bu]

The intrusive questions, snide comments, triangulation, victimizing themselves, raging, gaslighting, no accountability, silent treatments. The list goes on and on.

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

False accusations of having affairs.

[@Lilrumbles]

Remember this whatever they accuse you of is exactly what they are doing to you whatever they tell of other people about you whatever rumors they spread or what they are doing to you​@@melisentiapheiffer3034

[@JohnShalamskas]

@@melisentiapheiffer3034 While they are having affairs themselves. Accusing others of misdeeds which they are doing.

[@sacredwaters9]

​@@melisentiapheiffer3034I grew up with both my parents doing this except they both were doing it. Gross

[@sacredwaters9]

​@@JohnShalamskasyep, it's gross

[@rebeccaketner816]

It’s the bystanders who can control bullying. Silence is complicity.

[@ElizabethWildy]

@rebeccaketner816 I agree...but when I intervened when I witnessed horrible nurse bullying I became a target myself. This world has gone absolutely crazy

[@RebelUrNarc]

My God I preach on this all the fucking time and people just don't get it. It sucks being able to see things so clearly and no matter what words you use or in what order it just never fucking lands

[@Hummingbirdsrosesandsmiles]

I am 63 yrs old. My mom told me once, about 15 years ago, that she went to a counselor. He asked what she felt guilty about and she said the only thing she could think of was me. She told him of a situation when my oldest daughter was born and how she wasn't there for me. It was also around this same time, that she seemed to need to explain something that went on during my childhood. She told me that she knew my older sister hated my very existence. She saw the jealousy immediately. She saw how she treated me. But that she had always been afraid that if she stepped in, she would have resented me even more, and her bullying would have just been worse. How messed up is that? I gave her some kind of gracious understanding comment back. At this present time, I am estranged from all of them. I have been for about 5 years now. I have my husband, grown kids and grandkids as my family.

[@susieneville5612]

My dad was silently complicit v my mum's treatment of me....he was terrified of her...

[@Mouse_Metal]

It´s the classic "evil does not win because there´s so many bad people, it wins because there´s so many good people who do nothing."

[@cellosong]

By the time I was 5 years old I knew I could trust no one in my family. That is the definition of a sick family system.

[@SMKovalinsky]

Exactly. I had the same experience. Nature tells you to expect allies, and you find they are enemies.

[@ysmithriley]

😱😱😡😡😭😭

[@Shenanigans_Afoot]

And it makes any other relationships hard AF to manage. Sadly, I didn’t recognize all the ways my Mom was a bully until I had a daughter. She’s the love of my life. I want to empower her and for her to thrive. I never had that growing up.

[@eleonorabartoli2225]

That must have been horrible, I can hardly remember anything at 5. Neighbors were my salvation, but I clearly remember thinking at 10 that I would never be able to be myself in my family, and thinking how I could leave.

[@JF32304]

At 5... Wow I'm sorry for that.

[@jessicaselenecenteno]

Wow. Humiliation, coercion and intimidation. Due to an imbalance of power. What a coward.

[@alimccreery755]

Perfectly said 👍

[@libertycan6959]

​@@alimccreery755Perfectly

[@davevenables3534]

In my experience, and I am experiencing this as we speak, that power dynamic is real. I am not in a position of management, yet a manager at work has taken a dislike of me. I can read the situation very well, but those around me are not familiar with the concepts of narcissism in the workplace, or in life in general. I am. Narcissists get themselves into positions of power in the workplace, supervisors, managers, but do not generally raise above this position. ( Lower levels of rank in police forces or military and that in lower levels of nursing, care homes, are other examples).

[@alimccreery755]

@@davevenables3534 I understand what you’re saying as I’ve also been there. Fortunately not with every supervisor and also with a few leads as well. I managed to friend a lead from a different team who told me after I explained what was happening to me that I was being used as a diversion. I knew something wasn’t right and when she used that term it all made sense. These people seem to all work off of the same script so I just pay attention when I’m socializing to who I need to stay away from.

[@davevenables3534]

@@alimccreery755 the diversion= triangulation?

[@liambraithewaite6415]

Workplaces havent done much to improve bullying either

[@josereyes1148]

I made mistakes at my job like 15 years ago. I was a good employee in some ways but in other ways I was a bad employee when it came to one issue. This one guy made it his mission to humiliate me and talk smack to me. I hardly knew his name and yet he was always obsessed with what I was doing. When I finally started calling him, out he acted like I was the insane one and me talking to him was out of the blue and he didnt like it. I realized it was because everyone thought he was a shitty employee. So if he found someone who he could point the finger at, he did. I think it made him feel better about himself, so he stuck his nose in people's business. Idk why but your comment just triggered a memory in me about workplaces doing nothing about it.

[@Bellasie1]

@@josereyes1148 I'm just there right now with my boss. Thank you for your comment, helping others to understand what's going on in such cases. One thing I came to notice is how little self-esteem these stupid bullies have. They feel threatened by anyone with anything better than them, and can't help but focus on your flaws to feel better (or make them up if needed). I don't believe you were a bad employee, but made to feel like a bad employee.

[@josereyes1148]

@@Bellasie1 Thank you. Just stay strong. It 100% is that your boss is insecure about something about them. Knowing this helps a little. Hopefully your situation will get better for you.

[@katjongeward7155]

or schools.

[@Bellasie1]

The corporate world loves these bullies for several reasons. Because corporations have no time for substance, they easily fall for cockiness, being unable to tell self-assurance from arrogance. When aware they deal with a bully, they know that person will spy and gossip on other employees and that, being mean and self-serving they will also report against fellow employees without hesitation to their boss if need be. So corporations favor them. Bullies tend to be full of shxt, so they're generally no real threat to the ones recruiting them either (contrary to genuinely good employees). A last reason is that, as they tend to get ahead in corporations, bullies would often be the ones who recruit and favor those they recognize as their kin.

[@ikasugami8066]

I grew up being conditioned to allow my boundaries to be crossed, accept being gaslighted, invalidate my feelings, and put everything on myself. Now I am almost 40 and working on unlearning those things....it takes a lot of time and effort.

[@KimFuller-fh5bw]

I’m 30 but same!! The awareness and u learning is painful!

[@RebelUrNarc]

Same role but I was the only one That understood what was going on from I think the turning point where I was no longer questioning I was thinking I think I was four but I always knew he was bad like from baby because I would shake when I'd hear his voice and I don't know what the hell he did to me when I was a baby but I know what he's done to me the remaining part of my life and he's a fucking monster and I'm actually been on the run for a year and a half and I'm 50 freaking 4 years old and he's trying to I had I had a business for 23 years before that I was in aerospace He lives in a smaller town now that's where my business was too and with the snap of his fingers basically turned the town and the police and the sheriffs and the judge against me without any evidence and it's all lies. I on the other hand have a mountain of evidence that not a single human being yet has been willing to even look at. I've been invalidated in silenced and this is what he did to me as a kid so I'm reliving my childhood nightmare and I have yet to find any help. I know what's happening I can explain it but nobody wants to believe it and when you have a coercive sadistic narcissistic father who has inflicted every single form of abuse on me and my mother and most forms on my brother and a couple forms on my youngest sibling my sister who is the cheerleader and defends him like no other because she does not believe anything I say but anyway when they take your family away from you again so I didn't have a mother basically from the age of I mean he compromised and was trying to break them other daughter bond since I was a baby because of course he couldn't share any of her time or affection with me but I took three decades of him jabbing at me in exchange that was the transaction to take that and never say anything in order to have some relationship with my mother and everything's gone My business got my home is gone My family's gone My money's gone everything and it wasn't anything I did of course well if you can blame me for going to my family for support and help with my father's best friends stepson who I was tasked to take care of and help who I later found out has already been to court once or attempted murder on a girl and of course no one told me that it was a setup but I did note at the time when I was in trauma and it just escaped 11 hours of a hostage situation where I was absolutely certain I would was going to be murdered and it was other things but I still waited about 3 weeks before even going to my family because I was very fearful my dad would turn it around and blame me and I would just hoped at 71 or 2 years old He had learned something along the way. During the hostage situation I was told that my family relationships would all be destroyed and since he had known my father for 40 years He knew all of my father's fucking games. He also was hiding drugs in my customer computers so he could set me up and get me arrested and put in jail for drugs his drugs, he was going to ruin every single thing that meant anything to me or that I worked for for decades and earned without any help which is what they do but it was spoken he wanted me to know it so that I would sit and watch it not be able to do anything about it. It's its own torture There may be a hundred different levels of different kinds of torture that I've been experiencing for this 2 and 1/2 years...he same shit and convincing all them

[@rachelderagonartist9766]

Im 58 and still get caught in the net sometimes. It sucks.

[@loriann7117]

Haha I experienced almost the same thing. When I was around 15 before I was already trying to sleep and an elder cousin suddenly dropped by at night. I had no idea she was coming. Anyway I was already about to sleep when she barged into my room (my dad had said she can sleep there), and knowing I was probably asleep (heck I had dimmed the lights already) she took out her cellphone and started yakking to a friend right there. And this was supposed to be OKAY according to my family father's side.

[@tijeraslack3]

I’m going through the same journey as well and just turned 40. I’m a lot wiser watching these videos. Best wishes on your journey!

[@therapistsandnarcissism]

My ex husband was not just a bully but family terrorist. They are psychopaths

[@willieboy8798]

that is an interesting perspective "family terrorisr" im wondering what his basis was...

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

Indeed they are.

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

Terrorism happens in our own homes. It's bewildering because it was someone who we trusted.

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

When you're with a malignant narcissist, you begin to realize it's terrorism.

[@willieboy8798]

@@melisentiapheiffer3034 i said interesting perspective NOT what the hell you talking about... terrorism textbook ...group A does something to group B to get group C to react to group B for group A. psychology minor! jesus tried to flood the earth for a reason human are not trust worthy! yes tried it dried didnt it!!!

[@nji7772]

A narc NEVER works alone. The family cult protects them even though they may be terrified of them. So sick. Take one link out, and the entire chain falls apart.

[@gregoryritchie7852]

This was my experience when I was kicked out of the cult. Everybody turned against me because the flying monkeys were afraid of the leader.

[@flowerchild89]

This is so true

[@flowerchild89]

​@@gregoryritchie7852yes!

[@Tracyx3v]

​@@gregoryritchie7852Same here!!

[@JF32304]

You are so spot on! It's really quite disgusting.

[@ElizabethWildy]

Bullying in nursing is rife. I see brand new nurses leave time and time again all because of bullying. Other nurses, patients, and other disciplines get to abuse nurses with no repercussions, yet people are confused about the shortage. It has become absurd.

[@susanpressley2781]

Yeah, I lived that life too. When I first was a nurse, I was not that experienced and could be unsure a lot of times. That made me a target with one nurse in particular who felt it was her right to bully me. I finally had enough of it for a year and decided to have a conversation with her about her rotten attitude towards me. Interestingly, the outcome was she was in tears and I felt closure to her crap. We worked together for a while, then she went into other pastures aka surgery to bully those nurses there…

[@ElizabethWildy]

@susanpressley2781 its absolutely absurd ...I've been a nurse for over 30 yrs and the behavior has deteriorated to disgusting levels. I believe the hospitals encourage it as it keeps nurse fighting with each other and not them. Good for you speaking with your bully....didnt go so well for me...I was set up and fired 2 weeks after the conversation.

[@susanpressley2781]

@@ElizabethWildyoh my I hate that you we’re fired! I was working the weekend shift and stuck with her. She was charge nurse and I figured I was gonna get fired but I was gonna stand up for myself too. I’ve NEVER done that before, always walked all over. But I took a chance and it paid off that time. I’ve been bullied all my life. It felt good to stand up for once.

[@ElizabethWildy]

@susanpressley2781 I complained to a narc manager about a narc charge nurse they were friends and set out to destroy me in addition to many other unfavored nurses. I was unaware about narcissistic behavior back then and assumed the chain of command would work...lol. That NICU lost 100 nurses in 2 years because of the abuse, including physical abuse and death threats. Its was so absurd that NOBODY would believe the small group of vocal " complainers." It was a horrific time for those involved.

[@susanpressley2781]

@@ElizabethWildygood heavens! Well, consider it a blessing you were fired and didn’t continue there. I stayed on my floor for 21 years, but got a new narc manager. She was a covert bully. I was like, no, I’m too old for this and retired. Glad I did!

[@thehappyhound770]

Emotional blackmail is also a form of bullying. I think that's how vulnerable narcissists bully. Find the nicest person you can and guilt them into submission.

[@elipotter369]

I agree. Because I'm pleasant & cooperative & get a bit passionate & emotional, people think they can push me around. But at a deeper level, I am made of steel & they always push me too far & I leave the relationship. I just blocked someone I'm involved with in a committee because she pushed it too far at her nasty games. I'm kind of glad she did, because now I can have a more peaceful time without having to navigate a relationship with a very manipulative person who simply uses & abuses me. I don't feel guilty or worried about cutting her out, & if I need excuses or reason, I can just point at the latest nasty threat, twisting & denial - she's so brazen, she put her manipulations in writing & copied it to the group.

[@eileendonald8628]

My mom.

[@linnnea8171]

There is not much online to help people suffering from the extreme forms of this kind of covert bullying. I "envy" people who are bullied in such ways that anobody can say that that is not ok.

[@elipotter369]

@linnnea8171 I agree. I recently left an art group class that I had loved because a jealous classmate kept up a hidden persistent campaign against me - including taking my equipment and taking over my work space & much more - the most I did was speak loudly about where is my stuff etc, but tbe end result is i looked loud and uptight and she squeaky clean and getting sympathy :-( .The teacher should have stopped it at the start, but didn't. It was all so subtle & not noticed by others. I don't see a different way forward in such situations except to move on. Me blocking the number of the nasty manipulative person in my previous comment will probably result in more trouble, but at least I'll have a written record of her nasty moves from now on.

[@maryhall1181]

Deeply entitled, lacking empathy, antagonistic, emotionally stunned, supply seeking, controlling, narcisistic, power seeking, insecure.

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Yep... Uggg

[@maryk4588]

And they LIE about fundamental reality. Thus twisting up the minds of their young children. It’s really criminal.

[@RadmanGarrett]

At my high school there was a "zero tolerance" policy, which basically means the bully can push and push as much as they want, until the bullied kid finally stands up to them, then both get suspended equally. It basically just benefitted the bully kids

[@maralfniqle5092]

That is still the case, schools do nothing to discipline the actual bully

[@beverlypawsat6529]

So true, I actually put your explanation in my phone, it sums it up succinctly.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

And they do not stop so you have to react. What a crock of sh- So disingenuous of the professionals involved

[@DriftlessWarrior]

I grew up in the era before "zero tolerance," but with similar results.Three things were drilled into my head by my narc mom, never-at-home workaholic dad, and every other adult in my life. All three are absolutely WRONG: 1) "Never hit back, because it's not nice and you're supposed to be nice." (This one mainly from my dad, who had no clue what was going on in his own household and inexplicably always acted like life was an episode of "Leave It To Beaver.") 2) "Just be extra-friendly to them, and they will start being your friends." (Backfired every single time--the bullies thought it was hilarious and would only escalate the abuse.) 3) "What did you do to that other kid to make him/her hit you/trip you/spit on you? You must have done something to antagonize them, because they would never just come up to you out of the blue and do that." (If I said I was indeed minding my own business and the bully just started in on me, I was accused of making it all up.) I'll be 59 years old tomorrow, and I am STILL working on freeing myself from the repercussions of this garbage.

[@BarbaraM-lv7pe]

@DriftlessWarrior, 1.) I grew up Catholic, so Mom’s advice was to turn the other cheek. She honestly did not know how to deal with it, and has, at 80 yrs old apologized for not “helping me better” also “We just want you to (grow up to) be happy” Again - a little concrete guidance here. I had undiagnosed (til 50s) ADHD and wondered why I seemed unable to generate any traction in life, especially in my 20s. 2.) I grew up with a strict Father. It was “wait til your father gets home” So both home and school were intrinsically destabilizing, but school more so. Luckily I was a B student. But in my father trying to provide for us, he was a doer and not a teacher, which ultimately resulted in a learned helplessness paradigm on life. Then Mom wondered why I had such a “still” life. It’s very very tough to feel like a shell of a person in some ways. 💔💔💔

[@Ziegut]

When I started setting boundaries with my bullying Narc family, they claimed I was “bullying” them.

[@MaggieFreespirit]

I hear you. When I would call out my mother for mean things she would say, I'd get "why are you being so mean to me?" I'd say: you were just mean to me by saying (fill in what she said). Response from her: You're just being mean.They'll never admit their bullying.

[@NO-ib1ip]

This is so familiar.

[@anajackson6677]

I just recently walked away from my N-Dad in an argument I wasn't willing to have. We know those go nowhere. So he called the police on me for trespassing (wtf?!!?!!!). And this was after he had me quit my job and give up my home to move in with him for his health. Yes, he managed to twist a living situation he wanted into an abuse of him even though I'm the one with no job or home and a mugshot now.

[@Ziegut]

@@anajackson6677 omg I’m so sorry! Wtf

[@AnneB1101]

Sounds about right.

[@subhammandal9899]

Being bullied by neighbors is also terrible

[@jeanetteredden24]

Yes. 3 nightmares when you buy a $$$ home: 1. Neighbor who is narcissist. 2. Neighbors dog barks at night & you can't sleep. 3. Neighbor plays loud music at night & you can't sleep.

[@Deborah-uw5ip]

Right on. I was harrassed by a neighbour for 10 years.

[@mt7712]

I was as well for about 6 and a half years by the entire group of hoodlums. They eventually moved after losing two family members within a short period of time. Their house was beyond repair, sold and come to find out, they owed an astonishing 8,000 water bill. They had put the house up for sale without a showing. The owner ended up tesringbthe house down. The lot is still empty to this day

[@mt7712]

I am disabled, in a wheelchair, the hate was unreal!

[@upstatenewyork]

Bullying within the family makes life suck.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Bullying in a family is absolutely devastating. When you would rather stay at school as long as possible and dread weekends and holidays, your life is a nightmare. And then you marry another bully who is a narcissist and you are 18. Then you get divorced and fall prey to another bully, this time a covert narcissist and from here you are targeted by a mega bully a malignant narcissist and when the pain is unbearable you wake up and say NO MORE! Thank you dr Ramani ❤ God bless you ❤

[@katrinestoreboart]

A fresh start! 🌟 ❤

[@carolgonzales4262]

6 yrs free...after 50 yrs.❤

[@TheKrispyfort]

When did I write this? 😅

[@AWNoNickname]

You are not alone, not the only one!

[@flightmama3191]

❤🎉❤ MAGNIFICENT GRATITUDE BEAUTIFUL SOUL U FINALLY GOT AWAY 🎉🎉🎉I am on two months gone and he's so immature, I am grateful 4 cell phones and silent buttons❤BEST OF LUCK BEAUTIFUL SOUL 🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤

[@KathieMihindukulasuriya]

In grade school, one girl was bullied mercilessly by this boy. One day, at recess, he was kicking a soccer ball at her - getting as close as he could without actually hitting her and she finally had enough. She took off her watch and handed it to her friend, walked over and punched the boy in the face and he dropped like a sack of potatoes. He had a black eye, both got detention for a month and she was never targeted again. I can't say I recommend violence, but she had been bullied for months and the school never intervened (early 80s, still the wild west). I remember just standing there in shock, because it had not occurred to me until then that you could fight back.

[@bjrgstre-mauger5398]

This happened to me frequently as we moved countries 3 times before I was 14...always the outsider until one day I snapped. Something just happens inside of you after months and years of bullying

[@amycimaglia913]

That was me

[@WillowT442]

It is still happening in schools. I used to work in the schools. Nothing is really ever done to the bullies especially when the parents lawyer up and get special education diagnosis for their child. Once a child has an IEP there is very little a school can do if that child is a bully. I worked with one child who bullied other kids and then started to physically attack the adults, myself in included. The principal had no power to do anything. We documented everything. The mom just started asking for more disability diagnosis and we had to oblige. The mom went to an outside agency and bought an autism diagnosis and a lawyer for him. Then it was game over for any of his teacher and the school district. Unfortunately a very frustrated paraprofessional who was running the in school suspension program - she had little if any training on how to deal with behaviors ended up putting her hands on the child. The mother ended up successfully suing to school district for millions of dollars for that instance. He was an 8 year old psychopath. He would follow kids around and torment them. He punched a pregnant school worker in the stomach. He grabbed my cellphone, threw it and then stomped on it. I was powerless adult. I had to take the abuse from this child and so did everyone else who worked with him, all because he had an IEP. I only lasted another 2 years at that job. I no longer want to ever step foot in a school setting again. I no longer believe in special education ( I used to love working with kids, but my passion for working with children with disabilities was ended due to endless meetings over kids whose parents excused their child bullying other children, the teachers and professionals. All of these parents could go out and buy a diagnosis and have their child put on an IEP.

[@ijs2712]

This happened to me in the 80’s too. I was about 11 or 12 when I started to develop. I was teased mercilessly by boys groping me. Even the teacher laughed as he walked past. One day after being groped I just lost it and kicked the offending boy straight in the groin. He fell to the ground crying & in that moment I felt bad bc it’s not something I wld normally do but despair drives you to do things at times. I was pretty and shy and bullying & sexual harassment followed me throughout my life, then into a career in law enforcement & despite a happy marriage I have a bullying adult child. I consider myself a rescuer & empath. Maybe that’s my problem…and bc of this I became an easy target. No matter the circumstances, no one deserves to be bullied but it’s so common and doesn’t seem to be improving. I’m in my mid 50’s & anxiety still cripples me x

[@KathieMihindukulasuriya]

@@ijs2712 In my experience, the one thing that I have seen shut down sexual harassment is to talk to everyone BUT the harasser and have a group plan to handle them and protect their targets. When I was 16, I went to a summer theater camp and one guy was trying to rub up against and touch the girls. One girl got all the other kids - girls and guys - together (in sight of, but not in earshot of this guy) and said here's what's going on and here's what we are going to do - if he approaches any girl, whoever is nearest intervenes and keeps him away from her. This was very effective, because we were all helping each other and he was isolated. Instead of being a traumatic experience, this was very empowering. When a guy pinched my rear in college, I turned around and said very loudly, "Don't ever touch touch me like that again." He tried to laugh it off, so I repeated myself, and he never bothered me again. I think if we can speak up for ourselves, in public and with allies, we can stop some of this mistreatment.

[@taraarrington2285]

Group gaslighting is also the most insidious form of psychological manipulation and warfare a human being can experience on top of like group bullying.

[@Minnesotajazz]

The worst part bullying by a narcissist in the family is the one who is enabling the bully making the narcissist think its okay to bully..

[@ChronicallyTT]

As a young millennial/gen z cusper, it’s insane to me the hypocrisy in my childhood. They taught us until they were blue in the face about bullying and how horrible it was. But nobody took into account the adult bullies that were the ones who terrorized my childhood.

[@SherryTomlinson-mk7gm]

Some kids learn from their bully parent to also be a bully. 😢

[@emmsue1053]

Excellent comment.

[@Arkynkili]

Exactly. And when any of that shows itself in us as a learned behavior, they cry foul and say we're the bully, when in reality it's a direct reflection of what they did or said to us. Not saying we're right in displaying the same crap they did. Just that it's totally hypocritical when they don't like seeing themselves displayed back to them. It's on us to unlearn that and not continue the cycle.

[@TheKrispyfort]

I remembered my childhood, so I remembered that teachers can be absolute bullies and would stand up for my kids accordingly.

[@StellaSable4891]

Sadly adult bullies exist more than kid bullies. If a bully in school. His "parents" are much worse. Where do you think they learn, get it from.

[@l.5832]

My bullying mother used to call herself a 'disciplinarian' thereby gaining people's approval and respect.

[@lindabuonline]

So true. Mine too.

[@jane5821]

She roped dad into it, too. Though he was an enthusiastic participant. Wait till your father comes home. I still skip dinner at age 62.

[@CP-pe9ul]

Same here !

[@dreamscape405]

Me too❤

[@yuu_miran]

Bullinarian

[@IanM-id8or]

My first - and most pervasive - experience with bullying was at home. The perpetrator was my sister. Her bullying was brutally physical, as well as verbal and emotional. I asked her on two different occasions why she did it. The first time she said, "Because you were BORN!!" This was, I believe, the most honest thing she ever said. The second time, she said "Dad abuses me. I abuse you. YOU abuse Mum." Actually, Dad abused everybody. Maxine abused everybody. Mum used me as a human shield against Maxine. I eventually went full no-contact with her in 1994. She stalked me incessantly for the next 15 years. Since then, she only stalks me occasionally - I last saw her at my door in 2021. The police, of course, refused to do anything more than humiliate me because I'm male, and it's perfectly acceptable for a woman to assault a man

[@EH23831]

Sending you love and strength from a random internet stranger 💪🏻♥️

[@NTHodges]

Feel you 100%

[@francalatona591]

Never stop calling the police regardless. She is a psycho.You want a paper trail if anything ever happens. If could get a restraining order great and some legal advice from a lawyer to help your situation.

[@sarahyip2825]

The last bit is frightening yet true. A one on one bullying is bad enough but a system (school, work or home) involving uninformed busy folks with no time to talk nor to care, is crazy! The gossiper is the forever "victim" while the quiet hardworking worker/sibling who doesn't bond over small talk is viewed as the bad guy! What an insidious system 😢 We have seen how Enoch Burke a teacher in Ireland has been consistently bullied in high fashion due to policies from on high. Talk about the uninformed and uncaring working under the system! Shudder!

[@leslietinyhousebuilderwann3851]

I’ve always been a loner. When I got older, I stood up to my older brothers. Then when I married both times I were narcissistic men. Just recently I’ve realized that I was surrounded by narcissistic men. Being alone is where I feel safe.

[@NarcSurvivor]

Studies show that bullies are actually at a 10-25x more risk of developing a psychiatric condition than their own victims. As well as an increased risk of developing relationship and job issues, anxiety and depressive disorders, substance misuse and so much more. Narcissism is self-destructive.

[@well_weathered]

Informative

[@l.5832]

Yes, but because they are so self serving and ambitious, by that time they have gotten a great deal of authority and money and power. They are in leadership positions while having these disorders and then we wonder what is wrong with the 'system'.

[@really5453]

Then why are so many psychopaths in CEO positions? Your logic makes no sense

[@americawaters4257]

Being a CEO doesn't mean a person isn't struggling with issues.

[@monicawarren3678]

I have CPTSD. The war of growing up caused 🎉

[@Kathryn-KaTIe]

When we keep promoting bullies, and allowing them to have powerful careers in our government that has influence on others, even among adults, there is no way anyone can teach children anti-bullying.

[@frankdelahue9761]

Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you.

[@TheBeliever1204]

Psychological emotional bullying is worse. Gaslighting. Denying someone's reality

[@bethocdunwitty6641]

My GRANDMOTHER was a bully to my brother and I. He was only 11 when he finally couldn't take it anymore. Triggered one day, he kicked and kicked and kicked her screaming, "I HATE you, I HATE you, I HATE you!" My mom was shocked but you know what? She straightened up her act and never verbally abused us ever again. She was 72

[@Sea_Smoke]

Deserved

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

How sad your mom treated you and your family like that. 💔

[@missbearlockholmes]

Sad that it came to that, but oh well...

[@BuckleyThompson]

Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done [e-mail]

[@pippalewisNYC]

This is why healthy, strong boundaries should be the no. 1 focus for everyone. Strong, healthy boundaries won't let it happen.

[@Venice1917]

YES!!!!! Exactly, you described this perfectly. Wow, it´s incredible how the patterns of this disease are always the same. Thanks for your post: it always helps to know we´re not alone on our journey to recovery.

[@brwinter1]

This gives me insight into navigating the bullies in my 55+ community.

[@luvyatubers]

Lots of bullying in retirement communities to residents by residents. It's gross

[@khaily6645]

Are you kidding me!!! People suck

[@wildhorses6817]

Also, HOA's . New laws are needed to protect owners.

[@katjongeward7155]

@@luvyatubers I never knew this! will have to rethink my retirement ideas.

[@MsWing-ij9nb]

​​@@luvyatubers Even in non-retirement communities, too. I unfortunately got sucked into the toxic vortex a former neighbor who was an overly "friendly", covert narc and turned out to be a two faced gossiping, pseudo-stalking, energy vampire. But now she has moved far far away...I truly thank the cosmos for this, and do not take my newly found peace for granted. Pls learn from my tale- take it very slow getting to know ppl even neighbors - vet their character to gage who is trustworthy, honest and emotionally stable.

[@heat420_7]

Please, please protect the kids in your life from narcissists! They are such an easy target. It IS abuse! ❤

[@jude1987]

I agree. But how?! I've been deflecting the situation for the grandkids and always promoted their mum so I could be a positive and safe space for them but right now, after 4 years, I'm unraveling and no longer able to maintain my composure or sanity. I've become more unstable, stressed, agrophobic, panicked and anxious, muddlehead, constantly crying or ruminating rather than getting used to it. Suddenly I'm now saying, I'm sorry sweetheart, mums a bully. I'm becoming unhinged having walked on eggshells for so long and the rage (this perfectly ethereal kind gentle public mother figure) exhibits when the kids want to see me is terrifying. I feel the best way to protect them now is to stay away because it's taken a toll on them. My almost 7 year old always says how much she loves me and wants a sleepover "but that will never happen now. It's sad isn't it Grammy?" So again, how do we protect them

[@paloma_a]

The only way out for many things is awareness. First step you must be aware of your self concerns and situation and you must heal yourself. Then just try to do things as best as you can on the areas where you have a responsibility. Remember giving example is the way of teaching. Be commited to the truth, be honest with yourself. Do not exceed others' boundaries. Including childrens'.

[@paloma_a]

@@jude1987 Sometimes you just can't protect others. It's sad but it's the reality. You can sometimes set things so that they can come to you when they need it.

[@2-ddesign172]

My first bully - my mother

[@efficient_pluto]

Just today my narcissistic father called me "a low-level being" after he personally attacked and insulted me in the worst possible way... They never see their own paradoxical hypocrisy, do they?

[@fionabryant7923]

Disgusting, all power to you

[@JenGable-Justeson]

The "TRUTH teller"/Scapegoat may get targeted, demonized, and mobbed ! There may be psychological and financial abuse that occurs simultanously! This may occur in the family, landlord/tenant/tenant situation, employment scenario, and other situations ! It has happened to me ! Thank you Dr. Ramani !

[@Nicole-Nicoley]

my narcissistic father used to brag about how he was a bully in school. He destroyed my self-worth and self-esteem. I had my first existential crisis at 13 and stayed quiet until I was able to finally move out, even after it took years for me to find my voice. I am still working on my self-confidence and I tend to isolate a lot as that's what is most comfortable for me in this society we live in today.

[@nanabear2.026]

I'm writing out a request for an emergency order for financial protection and to be left the hell alone. I'm writing out the things he was saying and doing and I'm floored by how much of a sociopath he sounds like on paper. But I continue to gaslight MYSELF, saying things to myself like "well that's not really how he meant it" or "he just doesn't understand what he's doing"...I've been with this person since I was 15 and I'm now 50....it's scary how deeply imbedded this person is in my psyche after 35 years.

[@susanmercurio1060]

Yes, we learn to "give them a second chance" and make excuses for them.

[@onemanstrash8233]

Dr. R, it’s not at all hard to believe in the family system as bullies. I lived that one. My dad molested me and when I was 6 (my first remembrance) he said “Don’t tell anyone…. Wait.. you can tell anyone you want… nobody will ever believe YOU!” Yep… and he started making me the family liar… the family problem and the scapegoat for every issue in the family. It only ended when I walked away about 10 yrs ago. I lost my inheritance…. But no matter… they took back anything they ever gave me anyway so it’s no big deal. The things they did to me even shock me as an old woman now.

[@CS-iv8tk]

Horrible…I am so sorry this was your life😢

[@Lilrumbles]

Sickening yeah he had to make you the family liar in the event you started broadcasting that’s criminal. I’m sorry.

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

"Betrayal cuts deep, and there are always co-conspirators." - might be from Ramani, I can't remember. The only thing more wretched to me than child abuse is knowing how often there are multiple bystanders. That parent died nearly a year ago. I sleep a little better every night. To better days and more peaceful nights 🥂

[@SerendipitySunshine]

I'm so sorry these things happened to you. I'm super glad you made it out.

[@Julie-ti5yv]

I was branded a Liar by dual narc parents and also the scapegoat for my wholly messed up family. Your dad's words, echo what a doctor said prior to molesting me. I had fractured bones in my foot and my narc mother refused to take me to the medical clinic 2 doors away. Where my dad worked. I hobbled to school, etc. in pain for 10 days--then, upon returning home from school one day, mother snapped I was to go next door to the clinic. SOLO! The doctor wanted to know what took so long and I relayed how I had told her repeatedly about the situation, but she thought I was lying. He then asked "Do they think you ALWAYS lie???" Ended up with a cast to my knee (not a walking cast) and crutches. My mother had to pick me up and upon doing so, I was in the lobby post-appointment and crying. I said "I told you it was broken" and her nasty reply was "I suppose I will have to hear about this the rest of my life." No special accommodations were provided for bathing, walking to school, etc. Was sent ALONE to same doctor for cast removal. Later down the road at age 18, my dad got me a Housekeeping job and I got to clean this man's toilet 5 days a week.

[@29Janice]

My dad was the narcissist. I'm the oldest of 3 siblings. I was the scapegoat. My younger sibling turned into the narcissist and she bullied me. She never got into trouble because she was the middle child. Please don't always think that the oldest child bullies. I was the scapegoat of the family and learned to question why in the world that I was born. I got bullied in school. I then grew up to marry 2 different narcs. The first one almost killed me. I tried to committ suicide at least 7 times until I learned about my abuse. Now (at age 71) I am learning how to value myself.

[@lolo9553ify]

I believe you. I was the oldest too and from a young age, I was a nice kid but I spoke up against things that weren't fair. I didn't know this would put a target on my back regarding my two communal narcissistic parents. I was shredded in words and actions. At some point in my adulthood, I thought we had all evolved but when a crisis hit, they fell back into scapegoating. I got run down by what had become a mob. I finally saw it and realized it was never getting better and was done. I left and went no contact. I was in danger with them. I made a good decision when I left and do not regret doing it. I wish you happiness and good fortune!

[@29Janice]

@@lolo9553ify I spoke up about the unfairness, too. You made a great decision in leaving your narcissist family. Luckily, my parents and sisters moved over 100 miles away. My exes live thousands of miles away. I don't miss them at all. Thank you for the wishes! I wish the same for you. 😄

[@CcC-ct9tb]

Same here. Oldest of 3. The vulnerable and humiliated scapegoat. That’s really the only nitpick I have with this video, which was otherwise one of her best..even though I remain hesitant to completely acknowledge the whole “narc” thing in a clinical sense.

[@lolo9553ify]

@@29Janice 🙂

[@29Janice]

@@CcC-ct9tb I'm so sorry that you had to go through being the humiliation and being a scapegoat. I hope that you've been able to heal. 😥

[@mariehughey5390]

My very first experience with bullying was when my younger sister (by1year) announced to me alone that she could beat me up. I thought it was a strange thing for her to say as I had not known why she would even want to beat me up. Our father had told us early in grade school to never start a fight. But if someone started a fight with us to finish it. So I told her she could not beat me up. Over and over she insisted she could. I pushed her down. She shut up and never mentioned it again. Fast forward 40 years, she’s the narc that turned my whole family into her cult and I feel like she finally beat me up. I’m out. But after years of heartache I understand and am healing. Thanks to channels like this.

[@AlphaDeltaBravo-t8j]

Experienced something very similar. I left the whole family. It’s been hard, but I am slowly healing! It takes a long time!

[@loriwinters414]

And it extends to the aunts and the cousins jumping on board. And the number 1 driving force, is jealousy. Jealousy of the one who serves as the scapegoat. So kudos to all the family, yes you’ve accomplished it, you were able to destroy the life and future and tear down all and every bit of potential the scapegoat had, to nothing. How do you feel now?

[@dee4435]

My narc parental figure would throw my cat into our gator-infested lake when we took family walks in the neighborhood. I was 10 years old. I was so livid, but knew I was powerless. This trauma happened continuously for a year. No other adult stepped in to stop this bullying. Eventually, my cat "disappeared" and I never had the chance to say goodbye. I am 62 and still wonder what happened to my kitty.

[@22RosesGrow]

I'm sorry that happened, and that you had to witness that.

[@stevec404]

Thank you for clearing up a sad circumstance I had recently with a friend of many decades. We had always enjoyed each others' company during short visits and day trips. Then, on a recent extended weekend to an out of state historic area...my friend turned into a version of the demon side of Jekyll and Hyde. I have gone over the putdowns and rudeness many times in my mind. Manipulative, nasty, impatient, insufferable. Now I know that I was being bullied. I could not speak even half a sentence without being scorned. In my state of shock, I let it all slide by and simply stopped talking altogether. In hindsight, there had been a few isolated outbursts in the recent past that seemed out of charachter, and were easy to 'excuse'. The depth of vitriol and meanness here was inexcusable. Yes, I am the 'weaker': polite, considerate, and understanding. Weaker in my ex friends eyes, not in mine. I emailed my full sad experience of that weekend; gave chance for constructive response and waited. Nothing. I have since removed my former friend from all forms of contact. That bridge is no more.

[@amandagish5976]

I had to get rid of a 'friend ' too. Treated me like I was pure stupid. Sad for her, I wasn't.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Freedom

[@SMKovalinsky]

I had a shockingly similar experience with my “best friend”. It’s frightening to find out what is hiding behind the mask.

[@kristinbrennenstuhl6520]

Agreed! Similar situation. It took a long time to see the truth.

[@nadirmilazzo5968]

At 6 years old I was bullied constantly by a kid at school. Finally fed up I told my narcissist mother. She went to the school and confronted the kid. The bullying stopped. My viper narc mother took over the bullying, calling me weak, pathetic on the daily because I didn't stand up for myself. I never shared anything again and am now very low contact. No love loss there. 😡

[@clairevandenberg8204]

I was bullied at home, on the bus, at school and again when I got home. I only felt safe at someone else’s house. Twice a teacher heard another student threaten to harm me by coming home on my bus, with intent to harm me on the isolated walk home. She enlisted the help of her high school aged son to protect me by riding the bus and getting off with me. He was 6’4 and his presence deterred the bully. I never knew why. I didn’t hurt anyone or make nasty remarks about anyone else, but I was bad at sports and my ineptitude lost a ball game in gym class . It apparently pissed this particular boy off. My parents were too busy to deal with it.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

I have been through an episode recently of family mobbing that required me to withdraw for my survival. I have never been through anything so annihilating, but I survived it.

[@monicawarren3678]

I've always felt that I have no protective ally except me. That's why I fall for these narcissist guys who come on as heroes but in the end it's just another bully I've invited in to my life..

[@susanbradleyskov9179]

❤❤❤❤ to both of you.

[@denisesatt7044]

I hear you! It's tough but just continue to be the good person you know you are

[@neelubird]

Similar thing happened to me a couple of years ago. Mobbing from my extended family and it was quite devastating but I don't regret the fact that I see their true colours now. There's one cousin who isn't like that and his family treat him like the scapegoat, like everything is fine in the family except that person who avoids talking to them. I'm thinking I don't blame him for avoiding them, the poor bloke must find it so hard having to live under the same roof as them. He's a man of few words so we don't talk much but I respect him for not playing along with their games.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Well done you. They were going to up the stakes always- only I never knew. I hope you get to this part at least 2 decades before me.

[@sandi2490]

My sister broke my fish tank as a teenager, and I find items broken in my home after she leaves. It’s so frustrating! So, I went no contact. Her drama never ends! Peace to all who struggle with these people!!!

[@catalinafirefly4685]

My parents loved ignoring me as an adult as they enjoyed convo's with my brothers GF's. I had a career, family and no criminal record but was looked-down on compared to my jailbird alcoholic brothers.

[@Lilrumbles]

Bullies and narcissist are all about feeling superior they could feel superior or over your brothers. They have to be dismissive and disrespectful to you to prop up their house of cards.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

They might like some attention yet, like lots- when they become frail and needing physical help. Be careful-

[@CcC-ct9tb]

I relate.

[@SMKovalinsky]

Yes, in my family the liars, cheaters, and criminals were the favored ones.

[@Lilrumbles]

@@SMKovalinsky right no good deal because I’m punished not in today’s world

[@jerseypooh4664]

Bullied at school, in the family, college, uni, work, partners, so called friends so hard to escape them all. I’m a narc magnet but now I’m done. Enough is enough.

[@jeanetteredden24]

jersey pool: me too. A Narc magnet, I used to wonder if I had a 🎯 on my forehead.

[@narcicide8814]

Same here, It's time.

[@tfkdandsvkc]

This is why I don't like humans I hate people so much can't stand them

[@Megan-mr8ue]

Everything you said in this video describes my life from childhood to now. I ran away with an older man and then got pulled back in. It all seems crazy, but unfortunately so real. I cut off most of them except my mother. But she tries to bully me with money and it's not working anymore.

[@dreamscape405]

My mother was my first bully, and the things she would do to me, as a child, were so disgusting and cruel. I'm the only child, scapegoat, and she made a significant income back then, so we had a big house, brand new sports cars, I went to a private school...so everything on the outside looked "normal", or "good". In fact, my family supported her harshness with me, because she painted me out to be the "bad guy", even though I was only 5 yrs old. They believed her smear campaign, and they eventually disowned me when I was 15. She sent me to live with my father, in a different state, and I ended up moving out/empancipated when I was 16. Although it was a good thing I was removed from that family, by their own actions, but it was still pretty devastating at the time. I'm 51 now, and still struggle to connect with people. I have one really good friend, which I'm SO THANKFUL for, and she's the BEST. I know I'm privileged to have her, FINALLY after ALL these yrs. But those early days of my life still haunt me, to this day. I had several bullies in school too, but I ended up standing up to them, so they stopped...something I couldn't do in my family, or I'd have HELL TO PAY for it. Your channel has been instrumental in my healing path, and I'll be forever grateful for you, and you work, Dr. Ramani ❤🥂💃

[@susanmercurio1060]

Your life sounds similar to mine. My mother gaslighted me from my earliest years. She tried to get everyone in the family to see me the way she did. P.S. I ran away for the last time when I was 15, the authorities got involved, and I was removed from her custody.

[@MaryB-tx2xq]

My mother started bullying me when I became of an age when I started to doubt what she said about my father, saying she was a victim. As a result she felt out of control and told everyone in her family (I was the only child and my father had no family) how awful I was. I used to wet myself and that led to more bullying and invalidation

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Rotten to the core. I used to wet myself too. It’s why living with this is like living in a warzone.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Rotten, rotten bully. Compassion to you and all you have gone through. I hope your life is good now.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Your mother was evil. I am surprised how people I know go amount examining a life story and do not accept what they hear. For eg. Joan Crawford.,. Well written on. Another aunt comes out with a book saying the opposite and i have mental health trained people accepting this narrative. It is so horrible and so invalidating. I highly recommend a book called What my Bones Know. A woman an only child abused by her mother wrote it. The audible version has transcripts of sessions with her therapist Jacob Ham. Blessings and healings you. You will always have scars, do your best not to pick them xx

[@csfiskus610]

Never met a narcissist that didn't bully in some form or another. There was one who seemed proud of herself for isolating a colleague from the rest of her team before getting her fired all because she thought she wasn't "cool enough" to fit in with the rest of the team

[@BonesAndButtons]

Im seriously considering "disappearing" and moving away without telling even one person that I'm leaving or where I'm going, just to get away from my toxic family. If I can make them believe I'm dead, all the better. And I'm 52.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

I understand that.

[@w8what575]

My son and I are contemplating the same thing lol

[@AlphaDeltaBravo-t8j]

Have thought about it myself!

[@reneehouser2925]

I'm 56 - I'd change my # & disappear but they wouldn't notice now. My 76 yr old mother has successfully managed to destroy my entire family. I should have disappeared when I was 40.... RUN!!!

[@wendybothma3548]

Go for it!

[@ellenbruckermarshall4179]

Bullies using non-stop insults and lies to firehose their target, stunning them, then ridiculing to heap on more misery in public media, is this appropriate behavior anywhere?

[@KathieMihindukulasuriya]

I have a sister-in-law who not only excludes me, but makes a point to talk about how much fun the events she excluded me from were whenever we are at family gatherings. It seems it is not enough to exclude me, but she has to publicly rub my nose in it. I used to wonder what was wrong with me that I wasn't being invited. Now, I realize that I should have asked what is wrong with someone who would bring up how you were excluded in front of others. One thing that has made all of this more bearable is that I have a very kind brother and I have been able to stand up for him when he was being ridiculed in his absence. Defending him really gave me a sense of my own power.

[@carolynkepler2826]

My mother and oldest brother ganged up on me. I was imprisoned by her until she died 12 yrs ago. I went no contact with my brother back then.

[@carriemccurley-th8gn]

Dr. Ramani, you are doing God's work here. If we could all come together and get the bullies out, the world would be a better place. Maybe, we can get Mica's Law passed nationwide against coercive control that will be a start. Thank you for being a light in this dark world. 💜💜💜

[@wildhorses6817]

And, please don't vote for a BULLY running for President / DICTATOR..

[@jonathanuniverse9302]

As the scapegoat child in a cult-like narcissistic family, I was bullied by my entire family. I was gaslit to believe that I wasn't treated any differently from anyone else. Nearly every day was chaos and trauma filled. I am still in the process of "un-gaslighting" myself from going through my adult life thinking "it wasn't actually that bad", "maybe I WAS the problem in the family", "why can't i get over it?", etc.... Thank you Dr Ramani for another great video

[@thompsonlauren1004]

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective [e-mail] for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

[@cathichristian4142]

I had a therapist tell me I was responsible for being bullied because I was taught how to be bullied by my bully mother. I have been blamed by others for being bullied because they say I am meek and timid. I live with depression and I have almost given up.

[@debralawsonpascua9632]

Story of my life… even after the primary bully has died. The flying monkeys do not feel shame at all about their role. The other issue with narcissists and their flying monkeys, is sometimes the flying monkeys act nice, and you think, maybe they have evolved. But they don’t evolve. They are not narcissists, but they are in their narcissistic roles in their dealings with me, when they feel self righteous. It takes me a long time to warm up to new people. I am saving up to move away. Things are better than they used to be, but any time I let myself get closer to my family, I really don’t feel like I can relax or be authentic. Because they don’t take accountability for their issues. I am the only one in the family that has sought professional help, and did the work. So since I am the only one with a diagnosis; they all think they are grand, and I’m the only one with “problems”. It is easy to not have a diagnosis if they just never get treated or take accountability for the issues they cause. Why should they be accountable? As a child, I received all their punishments. As an adult, it hasn’t changed. It doesn’t even cross their radar if they are being a problem. It is like this feudal system within our own family. Those are the visions that cross my mind. I should change my visuals to something more validating for myself. I don’t always realize that the pictures that run through my mind are affecting my perception and self worth. We have to change the visuals and images in our brain, not just the words. I lived the mask put on me so long; that it habit. And I have to consciously take it off and replace it with my own vision. Watching this made me nauseated, sick to my stomach, and tense. I can choose to leave this behind.

[@Ivar-V]

Funny thing was i was the scapegoat for such a long time, before i realized it. Being younger and stronger for a time, i thought it didn’t phase me, fended it off. But over time it took its toll. Death by a thousand cuts. Protect yourself! Even if you can take the damage, don’t! Spend your time with people who appreciate you and help you grow. Leadership by example is great for those who can learn. But for others it’s a license to abuse.

[@JanieLacy]

Thank you for educating us to keep us aware and to protect our mental health. 🙏🏽

[@The_Viking_Highlander]

I always find myself nodding frantically and saying 'oh yes' constantly, then end up crying when Dr Raani is speaking. I'm 50 and you've just described my entire life. I had the same night terrors and bed wetting until adolescence. After over 10 years of essential non-contact, I tried to explain how I had felt all my life to my mum (narcisstic enabler), but even now at 67 she's still in denial. I lost the last ounce of love that I had left for her. It was terribly upsetting, but I know it's for the best. Thanks for always making me feel that I'm not alone Dr Ramani.

[@monicawarren3678]

Me too,just to hear my suffering through her,it's therapy.

[@The_Viking_Highlander]

@@monicawarren3678 Absolutely

[@MaggieFreespirit]

A friend told me: you wouldn't go to the hardware store and ask for a loaf of bread. They don't have it to give you. Why go back to your family when they have nothing to give you? Same with my mother. It cycles, but most of the time I'm glad I'm no contact. It cycles back to wanting to contact her, then after a week or so I realize there's no point.

[@The_Viking_Highlander]

@@MaggieFreespirit Yeah,very good advice. It's tough isn't it because, I don't know about you, but I have always had hope that she'll realise and apologise and love me like I always wanted. But you're absolutely right. If it's not happened over 50 years, it's not going to is it? She spent her life from the age of 16 pacifying a narcissist and became a terrible bully herself and sacrificed her own children hor him. It's still shocking to me. I just don't understand. It's so frustrating.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I have been bullied a lot by family, boyfriends, coworkers and friends. I too wet my bed growing up, I struggle now with social anxiety, insecurities, fears, feeling like I don’t fit in, that it’s my fault, that I am not cool, not pretty, not good enough, not capable, isolating, etc…So tired of having to think about how to safely be around the bullying family members to protect myself. I’d rather not be around them than live in fear. I totally feel rejected, coercively controlled and scapegoated by them. Focusing on seeing truths and on my well being. Taking myself back. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤.

[@jeanetteredden24]

costelloandlizzie: ditto for me. I'm 73 & went no contact w 2 narcissistic mean siblings when I was about 5 years ago. Best thing I ever did.

[@CcC-ct9tb]

Not being pretty and not being a social status symbol is one of the main reasons I was targeted. And what is one supposed to do when their weakness is the very skin they live in, ya know? It’s hell..any attempt I made to physically improve..well, let’s just say I’m 100x worse off now and 100x more vulnerable. Nothing to show for it but misery. This world is a superficial place and bullies with superiority complexes take advantage of it. Also, one disadvantage tends to lead to others..it’s a domino effect straight out of a nightmare.

[@Maddyswalk]

There were bully's at school..but nothing like the daily constant bullying from siblings at home..it went unchecked and into adulthood..it is now a form of Gossiping about each other, getting others to ostracize others, rumors...I got away from family dynamics for 20 years...came back and it transformed to said acts..having been away I saw, experienced, and " normal" behavours of peoples...and see families imperfection if you will.

[@maureenshaw737]

I’m so sorry this was your experience Dr Ramani, very distressing. Thank you for validating the bear pit of bullying that was growing up in the ’70s. It’s only since I realised that my home village was actually a narcissistic cabal (population 1500), where beating people down was social currency that I could make sense of my childhood.

[@SadieHartMusic]

my mom is my biggest bully, but her behavior is covert and ONLY inflicted in private when we are alone. she is chronically invalidating, un-empathetic, emotionally dysregulated and unsafe, then asks me why i cant just be happy, which is infuriating. she demands a false illusion of “peace”, so i’m not allowed my authentic expression, anger, or other “negative” emotions. if i protest or react to her behavior, she calls ME abusive.. ive experimented with NC, which is hard, but LC is harder. i have to have strong boundaries and avoid being in close physical proximity with her alone. 💔

[@donovangray4246]

This bullying thing is definitely getting out of hand in some school districts. In Oklahoma a young person who was in the 7th grade and and identified themselves a nonbinary person, got beaten so badly in the girl's bathroom by 4 other girls who beat their head against the concrete floor. She died of her injuries and the girls did not get punished, the school took no responsibility and the Principal of the school said that they did not want that kind of filth in Oklahoma. The child was in the 7th grade and died from bullying because they were different and now they are dead and the world blames the child for their own death. This is the world we live in. I am disgusted with these types of people. Everyone deserves to live, who made them GOD?!

[@michelegray5970]

Was the non binary child a biological male?

[@flipdiva0007]

What a horrific story. Omg!!!

[@janeloraine6231]

I'm in a family bullying situation as a senior citizen. My narcissistic ex has been continuously slinging mud since our divorce 8 years ago. My son, desperate for daddy's approval, behaves in kind to gain points with daddy. My grandchildren have inherited the same dynamic. I get it. Attachment needs trump being kind. Now I find myself isolated from my son's entire family system. As painful as the loss is, I wonder if I should just walk away.

[@susanmercurio1060]

Yes. You will have peace at last.

[@jackiep5009]

This is when I started to realize there was a problem in my relationship and it stemmed from his FAMILY. The brother’s youngest child always HURT his playmates. Throwing the basketball in the child’s face and kicking his cousin in the mouth - she was bleeding! It was always an “accident” and everyone just SAT there! I fled. Gross nope!

[@cagal1066]

Currently in a situation where the high functioning alcoholic/ low grade covert narcissist is trying to get me to stop going no contact with the bully sibling. Not a chance. The belittling, baiting, mental anguish, and solitude was so damaging to how I developed. My first 20 years i lived in my room because there was no sibling support, no nearby girls my age, and a mean drunk of a parent. I got good grades, read a lot, learned to draw, & paint but I rarely left the room in the evenings because the alcohol unmasked the narcissist's feelings for me. I learned to be as self reliant as possible, didn't make close friends, have a decent amount of self loathing, developed other bad personality traits, got major depressive disorder (the bully is bipolar- we're a wreck of a family), and staggered though the decades. Glad that i never had kids and that the bully now lives thousands of miles away.

[@usernane3652]

I was considered the golden child but my older sister was allowed to bully me on a daily basis and my narc mom did nothing. I still haven't found an explanation to that.

[@loloworld593]

Your mom didn't do anything about it because she liked the chaos. The triangulation was happening on its own with your sister bullying you herself. Your mom's work was done for her and she didn't have to try to create more chaos.

[@usernane3652]

@@loloworld593 thanks for the answer, many scapegoats really cannot believe my story, because of course they assume the golden child is sheltered and protected from all the rest of the family. Maybe I still can't make sense of it, but it surely proves my mother is and always was very sick.

[@dianaschramer5065]

I was my dad's golden child, which made me my mom's scapegoat. The more he praised and supported me, the worse she treated me. Perhaps that's what was happening in your situation, except your sister was doing your mother's dirty work.

[@thirstonhowellthebird]

I actually bet you were not the golden child. I bet they just told you that so that you would think you were the golden child and therefore would not complain or understand about the things that were lacking in your childhood. Those families are tricky. They can convince the abused that they were loved and that they were not in anyway abused. It’s the worst kind of gaslighting.

[@dianaschramer5065]

@thirstonhowellthebird I wasn't told that I was the golden child. That's how my dad treated me, whatever his motivations were for doing so. And I did complain and speak against the scapegoating, which only made me more of a target.

[@katr5785]

We have recently learned that our daughter had been bullied by her older brother and we wrote it off as sibling rivalry. We should have been addressing it head on - we thought it would resolve, we were naive. Now, we know his wife is narcissistic and hates our daughter - so my son has joined in with her to scapegoat her out of the family. It became so ugly that my husband and I are now hated because we defended her. They have our grand child.... and all the control.

[@janswimwild]

My ex had a habit of ‘being’ helpless and incompetent at home often causing huge problems for us and putting me in a position of having to trouble shoot and problem solve for him. Then publicly he would behave as if I was being bossy and demeaning to him and would try to humiliate me. Over time i became exhausted and worn down by this but I was lucky that a few of our friends spent enough time with us to see this unfold so when he walked out and accused me of being unstable, insane and cruel to him they refused to believe him and walked away from him. The same thing happened with those he worked closely with. They had seen this pattern from him over and over and extended their sympathy and understanding to me when I needed it. He overestimated his ‘charm’ because people were too scared to confront him directly because he was so spiteful and malignant. In retrospect I realised that my mother had done exactly the same to me, and because it was so familiar I had put up with it for years.

[@godfirst4964]

I still cry about being bullied. I was bullied in school, in my family and worst of all, by my husband’s family. He allowed this to go on for 23 years and I felt helpless in the situation because I didn’t want to be the cause of him not speaking to them until two years ago when I told him, “It’s either me or them!” It’s been so wonderful not dealing with that except I am still feeling upset that I had to force him to do the right thing

[@snowbear1877]

I've been bullied in my family and have very little contact for over 20 years now. I refuse contact with a brother in law who is particularly abusive. My sister, who has bullied me all my life, now accused me of bullying her husband "by exclusion". I find in my toxic family they flip it around to make the victim seem like the perpetrator.

[@MsWing-ij9nb]

Yup, this was my toxic family system I grew up in. I remember in second grade, for part of the school year, i became selectively mute...did not speak with classmates, teachers, had no friends. I did not break away from the family until 35...it took me decades to realize and finally identify my narc mother was a bully and everyone else going along with the mobbing (via text, meals, etc). Low contact wasnt enough as it still contributed to chronic hypervigilence, anxiety and depression. Since going no contact, I feel more balanced emotionally, able to be authentic, engage in healthy relationships ... I am grateful for Dr. ramani, and all the moral support i have from friends. I would still be a shell of a person or worse if I had not chosen to go no contact in order to focus on personal growth /recovery in my mid-thirties. Better late than never...strength and courage to all watching this video! 🙏❤

[@mimap275]

Just my story I've been no contact 10 days with my mother, feels like heaven 🎉🎉

[@ThanksHermione]

People are given a hard time for trying to get away from or setting boundaries with family members, especially their parents. They insist that you need your mother and father. The family law system argues for the parental rights of mothers and fathers. "It's in the best interests of the child to have both parents in their life." Tthat only applies if both parents are NOT abusive in any way. Parents should not have the right to harm their children.

[@InTheWind_]

Thank you for helping me learn about "The Flying Monkeys." This helped me understand WHY so many of my (by marriage) family, also neighbors, even people at Church, the school, even the doctor's office, why they seemed to turn on me and some even hate me with a vile bitter rage. It took years to figure out that someone was playing The Poor Widdle Victim of ... me. I had no idea for ages. I couldn't figure out why SO MANY people were so angry at me and hated me so much. But wowee do I get it now!! And now *I know what to watch for and how to prevent it from happening behind my back for years and years until it gets out of control!* Knowledge really is power!

[@WillowT442]

I fled my family system into more than one emotionally abusive romantic relationships. I ended up marrying into another family of bullies. I was primed to be bullied. I ended up blaming myself for all of these difficult relationships. I felt guilty for being the difficult child and teenager my parents ( specifically my mother said I was). Then my ex MIL and ex husband also bullied me. I began to feel guilty for pushing back against them. They told me I was being difficult. It had been devastating to realize my mom was my first bully and then I married a bully. My ex husband then started bullying our son in subtle ways. After our divorce he married his affair partner. My ex husband and his new wife then both bullied my son. I was so devastating for me when my son told me about how his step mother treated him. There was nothing I could do. The courts and lawyers do not recognize emotional abuse. I have always said that I would have rather been physically beaten then all of the emotional and verbal abuse I endured from my family of origin and my ex family of marriage. Physical abuse leaves visible marks. Emotional and verbal abuse leaves internal scarring. 😊

[@christiebell6667]

Thank you for addressing this important issue! Bullying within a family is real! Ive dealt with being bullied by my husband for years. And once my stepson became a teenager, my husband "trained" him, and told lies on me to getvhim to treat me worse. I have never encountered anything so horrific. I didnt know people like this existed!

[@thekcrane]

Woah. When you described, younger bullied daughter going off with older inappropriate boyfriend to flee the family home it struck a cord. I ran from one bully into the arms of a even bigger bully 😅

[@RandyBrady2024]

I am grateful the gaslighting, bullying is over now. I laugh, inside, that it is recognized, internally, I am now light years from where I was.

[@yaelcitro9624]

My mother is a narcissist. I never thought of her as a bully. But listening to this video - it just hit me. I grew up completely bullied by her and my sister (it bonded them). One example: my mom got my sister a cat after my sister tried to kill herself. We quickly discovered I was deathly allergic to cats. I used an inhaler and was in the emergency room every few days for a breathing treatment. After one of many late night hospital visit I remember saying “so I’m going to be tied to my inhaler and go to the emergency room every few days?” There silence spoke volumes. My mother would not get rid of the cat and my dad is a flying monkey. His job is just to say how wonderful my mother is (she is horribly abusive to him). I moved out at 16 and never went back to that house. My covert narc knew this story. One time when he really wanted to hurt me - he took in a stray cat that he had been feeding. Which meant I could never go to his house and I said this to him. He said that what I should say is “I know how hard it is for you to take in a stray cat you are so wonderful to do it.” His words not mine. 4 months later his cat was hit by a car. Of course he reached out devastated. He wept and I was there for him. 2 months later he had another cat. He did not even try to be creative. He recreated one of the most painful moments of my life.

[@wackywally69420]

I dont want to believe every single person in my life was a bully to me but thats what its looking like. What do i even do. Im gonna be trapped forever

[@Simbaholic]

My family mobbed me all the time when I was younger. I often didn't have a single person to turn to because they were all on my nmom's side. Then they wondered why I got so "obsessed" with Disney.

[@lcmarina]

People tell me I shouldn’t go no contact with my mom because “it’s not her fault” or “that’s just the way she is” but the truth is that she is able to control her emotions and treat others with kindness and respect. It’s not out of her control she just chooses to bully me.

[@fakename8856]

Please do a video about Narcissistic PLOYS. My Covert Narc mom uses silly ploys to get attention such as pretending she is “the victim” of radiowaves, flatearth, and she is a “sovereign citizen” which means she is so entitled she believes our laws don’t apply to her. We are estranged. Her ploys to get supply are dangerous and illegal.

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

I don't think your mom is narcissistic. She seems as if she is an awakened person who sees the traps of government, which a lot can not do. She is right. We are sovereign beings, but it has been stolen from us as soon as our parents signed our birth certificates.

[@fakename8856]

@@melisentiapheiffer3034 Ok, you are wrong. You don’t know my mother like I do, I was (and still am) her scapegoat, my twin brother is her golden child because he enables her delusions (he is also a sovereign citizen) and has grown into a full blown NPD as an adult. We are estranged. Covert Narcissists use ploys to gain attention (narc supply) and I just wanted her to do a video on common ploys. “Sovereign Citizens” epitomize narcissism.

[@fakename8856]

Another common ploy Covert NPD use is pretending 5g and WiFi are radioactive. That one is quite funny. Another common ploy is claiming earth is flat and making victims prove to them that gravity is real. Being a “sovereign citizen” best epitomizes Covert Venerable Narcissists.

[@lindac2554]

What came to mind when you described your mum was Paranoia And out of touch with reality Psychoses Glad you put that other commenter in their place like you said They are wrong!

[@fakename8856]

@@lindac2554 as she ages the paranoia gets worse. She is perpetually the biggest victim to ever walk the earth. Here a funny and true story (you can look it up if you want): my mom is a “sovereign citizen” as one of her ploys to get attention. I work on ships as an ETO (electrical engineer) and while working on a yacht called M/Y Utopia IV we crashed into a tanker with such catastrophic force that it sank. We sank a gasoline tanker in 2,000ft deep water. I was badly injured. My mom ignores my injuries of course because it doesn’t benefit her and she suggests rather than using the top maritime & admiralty lawyers in the country I should represent myself and she is an expert in maritime law so she wanted me to spend $399 on a sovereign citizen class online. I am not making this up. Our crew’s trial is in October. Last year before Christmas the same yacht also crashed into the 6th Street bridge in Miami 4 blocks away from the US Federal courthouse our case is litigating in.

[@nostoppingit7243]

I worked so hard to develop friendship and love between my children only to have my spouse blow it to hell when they got to be pre-teens by turning them against each other. They went from being best friends to having serious issues with each other. Thankfully they are all working on healing those wounds and repairing their relationships with each other.

[@leelabhava54]

Thank you for saying it out loud that an entire system can be bullying. Hopefully, as each one of us becomes more educated about narcissism and bullying and go through our healing processes, eventually the whole collective becomes less and less tolerant of it. Maybe not in my lifetime......

[@lucillecooper3600]

Work place bullying was what I had to endure for thirty odd years! I am healing by diung hand work and reading quietly!

[@Michael_Arguello]

Imagine if there was a person who said enough is enough and came after the entire system in a strategic way to cripple it from the inside. If only there was someone…

[@w8what575]

If only that were possible considering the courts and the system are there protecting narcissistic people

[@WillowT442]

My first experience of bullying was from my mother. I am the only redhead in my family and my mom made sure to point out that I was different from everyone else in the family.

[@Saraflowerk]

I hesitate to write this as it was a long time ago and it's bad, but my mom would tell me "my way or the highway" or I'd get sent to kid jail if I was too bad. (I was overly obedient, ironically). And I saw a movie that actually had a kid's jail which was awful lol so it made me extra compliant. I love how I became an adult who loves independence and funny enough, somebody wishes I was closer to home. I found a place that's very good for my nervous system and I'm happy to have been able to fully heal there.

[@eliseintheattic9697]

I was bullied in the workplace. He was subtle in what he did and always made it seem like he was just doing his job, and I was the one falling behind. Of course, management did nothing but victim blame, despite the fact that multiple people had complained about him. The worst kind of bullies are the ones who do little things that undermine and chip away at their victims defenses, all the while smiling for and sucking up to authority. It's very difficult to make anyone believe whats really going on and that kind of stress is immense.

[@goldalevin869]

This is so true. My mother was the family bully. She not only bullied my father but me as well. There was also sexual abuse and bodily exposure she did. Had I known how happy I'd be now that she's gone, I may have blocked her for longer periods of time. I hope that bully in school got his comeuppance. I went to my 40th classroom reunion, and the bullies and cool kids had all become big nothings. Yay.

[@meherenow]

Bullying by text by sibling is the worst..they know u are alone and no one else can hear the things they say

[@CJ-hz1uj]

And yet the texting is a record. It can be used.

[@BeachPeach2010]

@@CJ-hz1uj I was going to say Screenshots and back them up!

[@wisegentle7859]

A bully is demonic driven.

[@victoriamariegomez-t3t]

Yea😢