FRIENDSHIP BREAKUPS: Why some friends aren't forever

[@AnaPsychology]

Remember to use code MEMORIALDAYSALE if you buy The Connection Course from now until Memorial Day for 20% off: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course

[@HI-kb2cg]

have u done a video on daniel larson idk if u could help someone like that but i'd like to know.

[@lyndsaybrown8471]

Sometimes it becomes apparent that someone doesn't respect you and you just need to walk away.

[@kickster4u]

So perfectly said friend

[@tlg9824]

friend 😬

[@flowerbloom5782]

This. I had to leave a long life friend since he was disrespectful and make fun of my insecurities then just compliment me afterwards. I understood that he wasn’t going to change and I needed to get out.

[@DankMcDANK1738]

I’ve found that even in friendships some people can be emotionally unavailable

[@lechonjames9019]

“yooo i was a terrible friend” is so real Dr Ana

[@thexcount]

Meaningless babble

[@rennoc6478]

@@thexcountwhat

[@JohnSmith-wi4xo]

I feel like friends aren’t loyal like they used to be, and it’s much harder to make friends now nowadays. I’m unsure why this is, but in my parents’ generation, it was normal to have a core group of friends. Back then, friends showed up for you when you needed them. To say you didn’t have friends would be considered insane. Now it feels like it’s so common to hear young people saying they’re lonely or even have no friends. I’ve known multiple people who’ve planned trips, parties, or dinners with friends only for the friends to back out last minute or just not show up. That kind of thing never really happened to people my parents’ age. I say that all to say that I recently had to break up with a friend I’d known for a few years. It was very intense and vibrant and we did things with each other that we’d never done before. We grew a lot together and were inseparable. We were like brothers. Long story short, I had to let him go because he would often have outbursts. He became increasingly emotionally abusive, unstable, unhelpful and yet he expected me to be there for him. It all got to a boiling point and I confronted him and broke up. It’s been several weeks since then and I’ve cried every single day since. I think I’m suffering from broken heart syndrome.

[@mariebourgot4949]

I'm sorry for your break up. 🫂

[@sophiamacdonald1949]

I think part of it (as much as I sound like my mum) has to do with social media, people are so much more concerned with how they're perceived and how people think they are, and they become less interested in actually being the person they want to appear as.

[@amandaconstanza]

I think the same! there is a book about “liquid” relationships, don’t remember the author now but is about everything going through our fingers basically

[@noorabbas706]

yesterday made it 1 year since i broke up with my best friend. we were friends for 7 years and during the last year of friendship she would exclude me, make jokes at my expense, and just put me down a lot with silly comments. it was hard letting her go since she talked crap about me afterwards to plenty of mutual friends who eventually either blocked me or turned against me. no one talks about the heartache that follows from not being heard and people turning against you due to gossip and for standing up for yourself.

[@JustaNobody-j8x]

I’ve had so many friendship breakups that I have no more friends to breakup with.

[@Feilili]

Neither do you need one now and that's okay. We can continue improving ourselves and focus on what we truly value the most. I solely believe that once we start to value ourselves and focus on what we need, we'll eventually attract the right people with similar values as ours.

[@jokerpilled2535]

@@Feililino one has the same values as me

[@12Sanguine]

Once you're ready to get back out there, take some proactive steps to meet new people around the values and hobbies you share. All of my close friends now have been made in adulthood through conscious search. 🙂 (I moved countries and lost touch with old friends)

[@jokerpilled2535]

@@12Sanguine all my friends are scattered online across the internet.

[@scenepunk09]

I feel the same. I feel like I make more friends than enemies. Now anyone that might be trying to be my friend I push away because I think they just feel sorry for me not having friends. You are not alone in having no friends. There's a loneliness epidemic happening right now.

[@moonriversou]

The number of people I ended friendships with by simply removing them out of my life is truly embarrassing. Even with all of the things they did to me, I felt so morally at fault for simply doing that. But I realised I was putting in so much effort in a friendship that did not respect me so I needed to do this.

[@iftekharahmed6799]

I'M LITERALLY GOING THROUGH A FRIENDSHIP BREAKUP RIGHT NOW, YOUR TIMING IS IMPECCABLE.

[@XOChristianaNicole]

Ditto.

[@twoandtwoisfive]

Weirdly same

[@militarychica07]

I remember in middle school when me and my best friend “broke up”, it only took two or three weeks for us to make up and we never broke up again. I don’t even remember what it was for, I just remember really missing each other. She’s been gone from this earth since June 2016, I’d give anything to have those weeks with her again.

[@lyndsaybrown8471]

Yeah, I think that happens a lot in youth. People are still growing into themselves and they don't have a handle on their emotions yet. All of their emotions are big.

[@bhunyee]

i went through a friendship breakup with my best friend about 2 months after my grandpa died. i genuinely have more grief for the loss of my (still living) -friend- than i do my grandpa, and that alone causes so much guilt. feelings are weird. it is what it is i guess.

[@SparksFly87]

My sincerest condolences to you and to your family. I am so sorry for your loss and for the loss of your friendship. It must be a truly confusing and devastating time, especially because you no longer have a reliable friend to confide in. But I hope you can heal as best as possible while you grieve. May your inner strength exceed your pain. 🙏✨

[@AmandaGrant-d6c]

🫂

[@steviemerrill4964]

I love that you brought up platonic abuse, literature and resources hide the fact that it can and does happen more often I feel like.

[@prozachoe1521]

Since becoming a mother my life and my values have changed a lot. Most of my friends don't wanna have kids, and can't relate to my current circumstances. They've also been often selfish and didn't meet my needs anymore, a lot of ungrateful, disloyal behavior.. So I recently did 5 Cuts/Breakups. Now I'm left with 2 friends, but at least I know that those are people I can count on and I have space for new people who actually care and have the same values.

[@emanuelcaparelli]

I think, on the topic of slow-fade vs being direct, that as someone who's experienced abandonment trauma I find the direct method sits better with me, both for receiving and also if I need to be the one to end things. I find it just provides more immediate closure and opportunity for growth. The caveat is it does require two mature individuals, so, in cases where someone is not capable of that, I could see the slow-fade being more sensible. In general though, for adults over around 25, I think being direct is a compassionate way of handling things.

[@penelopequinn1604]

Agreed. I find the avoidance/distancing/slow fade very painful and confusing with a close friend. I would much rather know their reasons.

[@VivComments]

The problem is, I never seemed to recover after losing all my friends in grade school just for telling the truth.

[@jokerpilled2535]

People don’t want to hear the truth if it exposes them.

[@laurencebureau7677]

For sure it's okay to slow fade people, most people can't take feedback, especially when they didn't ask for it imo

[@i.h.3034]

Yes! That's my experience too. In theory, it may sound healthy and mature to take the route of communicating clearly and giving and receiving feedback, but in real life, by the time the friendship is at its breaking point, respect for each other has been lost usually, therefore the other person's opinion cannot be considered as valuable information, but mostly as insult and offense. Personally, I've tried it both ways, and now definitely prefer the slow fade. It's mind-boggling to me how much energy and effort one can put into a relationship and communicating one's needs and concerns, seeing irreconcilable differences, just to end up having the other party being caught off guard and ignorant as to why the friendship was unsustainable.

[@ridermiv]

I had to distance myself from a friend of 20+ years because of their severe substance abuse issue. It hurts a lot to have so much history with someone but to barely be able to see the person they once were through the shadow of who they are now. Thank you for the video

[@happynotes5106]

I just went through a friendship breakup and honestly I’m handling it soooo well. I really admire the person I used to be friends with and I’m just glad that I got to have her in my life at all. The pain that I’m experiencing is just so wholesome and I’m so happy that I get to navigate this. Also want to be clear that she told me she wanted to no longer be friends. I wanted to get to know her again since I didn’t know her anymore but she didn’t feel the same. It is weird not being able to text her when I want to.

[@frankinsaneandmyrrh1202]

1 - GREAT topic. 2 - I see you've changed it to "Dr. Ana" ! Congratulations!

[@mordecai8707]

Video came at a perfect time, I can feel a breakup coming in the sense of slow death. My friend has her own individual friends that I haven’t really clicked with. I thought I would be able to develop better chemistry with them over time, but because it still feels distant I’ve started to wonder what it is that attracts my friend to these people but repels them away from me. I’ve stayed the same but my friend has new energies around her and I feel like she’s changing to compliment the newer energies. We have remained friends for very long and have been able to flow with the changing tides of life, but this time it feels different. Like our chemistry is falling apart. It doesn’t help that I started to notice things my friend does that indicates she holds higher priority or value in others than me. She greeted everyone in the room with a hug despite me walking her in, and she left me occupied in another activity with her friends who did not want to me hanging out with her or them. Tricky situation but feels like there’s not much I can don

[@paperheart23]

It’s insane how this is uploaded now, because I had kind of a fallout with a friend yesterday and realized that I did not even like him as a person. This helped! Thanks.

[@thexcount]

That's normal you didn't need a video to tell you this fact: we like people until we don't.

[@happygolucky9004]

Time doesn't always heal the wound. My best friend of 13 years and I parted ways 7 years ago. It still really hurts. I miss them everyday.

[@veronicringe]

time doesn't heal wounds. It allows them to fade, but they're still there, just not as prevalent

[@Paxility]

There's 2 major dramatic friend breakups I had as an adult. The first was with my friend group from my hometown. I was the only one who moved away but made an effort to see everyone regularly, and help organise birthdays etc. Only to realise at some point that none of them even remembers when mine even was. I told that friendgroup that I was tired of making that effort and cut ties with all but but the two who actually cared who I am still good friends with 5 years later. Everyone else is apparently still confused why I refuse to show up. The second was last year. I liked those friends a lot, and it still hurts. But it was always a little shakey since I felt that they were always looking down on me a little in a pretty patronising way. This made me distance myself and react to some things harsher then I should have. But a year ago my father died in an accident and I partially inherited a running farm. It was at that time that they started to want to have discussions about the friend circle we had, etc. Maybe even justified stuff. But it felt like such a betrayal that they dragged me into their drama, complaining that I was not reaching out enough and not making enough of an effort when I was going through one the worst episodes of my life. So, I never found the strength to reach out again.

[@herospeedy3174]

my experience is that if ur "friends" don't respect you, they'll just drop you when its convenient for them.

[@nurishgarayeva2886]

This hit hard

[@tpaypay]

I'm going through a friendship breakup right now with a few friends. I'm distancing/compartmentalizing these relationships. I don't feel understood by these friends because our values do not align and I feel like I have to mask my true self around them. They aren't bad people, but I realized that we don't actually have much in common and our friendship was only closer in high school because we saw each other often and had shared classes. I can never be my true self around them and share my passions with them even though we've known each other for so long. To me, this was a clear sign that the friendship was not worth keeping.

[@Dominis.]

It has been almost a year since I've quit being friends with a diagnosed (covert) narcissist. Him being in therapy made me think he was getting better or at least trying to fix whatever was ailing him, but otherwise didn't notice anything wrong with him except his self-hate. I'd answer his calls at 3am to dispel his insecurities etc. Imagine my surprise when I realised that the reason I was hanging out with him was my lack of boundaries. I'd apologise for anything and everything. What broke the camels back was when he told me he felt insecure that I was hanging out with my other friend which made him feel like he wasn't number 1. Who was this friend? His girlfriend. He was jelaous of his damn girlfriend and wanted to feel superior to her. He said all of this in front of her... Something just clicked in my head then. I could suddenly remember all the times he treated himself as better than me, wanted my service (help), or belittled me verbally (which I just took for some reason). As we fought, he said I didn't respect him and his feelings. I don't think the feelings of his girlfriend and me even occurred to him. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my tea.

[@PinkFlip23]

She said she’d go to therapy with me for months and kept coming up with excuses, then backed out all altogether. We even had something scheduled once, and she backed out. I've been struggling with this for MONTHS. I am still processing this in therapy. I was crying every day for weeks at one point. My best friend was a sister to me for 12 years. Her family was family to me as well. She was dishonest about a lot of things for months on end and also tried to gaslight me once, wouldn't communicate, was avoidant, did not care about my feelings & how she was hurting me, and this is what started these issues for the last year. My therapist reaffirmed to me that I didn’t know what was going on for months, and my ex-friend told me that she told me otherwise. My therapist said she doesn’t deserve a friend like me, and as accurate as it is, it still hurts. I’ve lost my dad and two other people to death and have lost exes during breakups. This equates to the pain of those people dying and is worse than a breakup. My sister said losing someone this way is almost worse because they chose to leave. Your friend is the one person who isn’t supposed to leave, give you trust issues, or hurt you. I wrote a long letter to her that made my therapist cry, and the response back was I can’t do this right now, so I think it’s done. Crazy how people would rather lose someone than work on things or take accountability. My therapist said a black box of therapy is outgrowing others and making room for those who deserve to be there. Thanks for talking about this as I feel like we don’t enough.

[@gessekaii]

I’m so glad I came across this video. One year ago, I broke off my friendship because this person was causing me of emotional pain and making me feel like I wasn’t putting enough effort in our friendship, when I was in fact doing the most for the two of us. The last straw for me was when after going out together after months of not seeing each other, I was accused of still being a “bad friend” even though I got her a Xmas/birthday gift. I then realized that I was being emotionally manipulated, used as a pseudo therapist for advice that was never taken, made to compromise my morals for her happiness, and I would be placed last among her friends when a new boyfriend came around. I also eventually figured out that I was being talked badly about toward her other friends, as she did the same to them with me. And it’s true, when you finally realize your self worth, it’s when you decide to cut off a bad friend. It was also during a time when I gained new friends and began focusing on my degree and career that I can only assume threatened that ex friend, so I had to choose my sanity and future over somebody who never cared in the first place. I was the person who cut off the friendship did experience the initial relief, but to this day I still feel the trauma of that extremely toxic friendship that I’m still working out. This video made me feel better about all the bad friendships I rightfully cut out of my life. We need to discuss friendships more often and teach young people how to be better friends.

[@moonriversou]

Last year was such a turbulent year for me because of my experience with friendships. I graduated and realised all the friends I had in college were really not friends because either they did shady and terrible things to me or they had extreme opposing values as me and gave me a tough time because of that like as if it was my fault that we had opposing values and was senstive. It was heartbreaking. It was loneliness. I was filled with anxiety and my self-esteem was in the dumps because I thought there was something so wrong with me that I decided to let go of so many people. And moreover, I tended to romanticise my past friendships that had ended and the grief was hitting me hard. I realised a lot of my newer friendships were one-sided because I was putting in all the effort, I was acting out of loneliness and desperation. I had poor boundaries and communication skills. I was going through a lot. It was difficult but now, I think I did the work, I can see when a friendship is intolerable for me, and I am okay with taking action. Though, I still fear confrontation, when it's necessary and when I feel like my emotions will be taken seriously, I will not hesitate to speak up.

[@gratitudegrateful705]

Ditto. I experienced the same. April 4th was my friendship breakup day I hope you heal from all those difficult experiences. I promise it only gets better when you cut off toxicity 😊

[@SusanDelgado1177]

2 "friends" of 18 years ganged up on me & conducted a coordinated attack, & so I threw both of them outta my life. They can rot Zero trust towards anyone

[@justbelit]

ppl 60 yrs old still have friendship breakups. people grow, change drastically, drift apart. morals, interests, values etc may no longer align, embrace the end of all relationships that don't serve your best self.- noone belongs to you forever not even kids/spouse

[@moonriversou]

Ah I need this, you get me truly! I was just scheduling a gmail to my future self feeling lost and fearing how I'll react with all the friendships I ended last year. And I get notified about this.

[@AnaPsychology]

I love the idea of scheduling an email to yourself! I do something similar with letters. I'm glad the video is what you needed to hear

[@Mara94SoSrb]

I'm 30 now, and I still think about my past frienships from 5, 10, or even 15 years ago. Thank you Dr Ana for this content, I'm glad not to be alone in this.

[@azizborashed]

I'm in the process of losing a friend via avoidance and compartmentalization.

[@CardsNHorns04]

Went through a friendship breakup about a year ago. It was "betrayal" in the sense that they would not give me the things I needed from them like companionship and reciprocity and it needed to end. It did hurt for sure, but it was for the best and I am better off now.

[@christa4098]

Thank you SO much for making this video. I went through a really tough friendship breakup last year. We were like sisters and it still hurts even after a year. But I've learned a lot from it and hopefully I'll find a new close friend in the future.

[@javingalatia7949]

I have a cousin and although that is not a friend, we have/had a very "iconic duo," relationship (in our family, we're known as the chaos twins). Recently, I was venting about how "unsafe" I felt around a certain girl in my biology lab class. My cousin then went into a very condescending mode, "It'd be so interesting to be a man." Soon, the conversation took a very unexpected turn for the worse. She made me feel invalidated and made no attempt to understand where I was coming from. Against my own defense, I am in therapy to work on these narratives that I build around myself and although the girl in my bio lab class makes me feel unsafe, it is just unhealed trauma from a previous relationship that I am projecting onto bio girl and I will acknowledge that; I am working on it. But my chaos twin completely neglected how I felt and this is not the first time she has not trusted my experiences. My mother convinced me that the better word instead of "unsafe" is "afraid." I really enjoy creating chaos in the community with her, but if she cannot trust me in a conversation, then what kind of friendship/relationship is that? Aren't relationships built on trust? I never claim to have the answers, I always feel like I'm learning from her. But now she doesn't make me feel comfortable to voice my opinion because "I'm spoiled." Right now, I've cut contact with her, I'm avoiding seeing her, and I don't feel like I'm in the wrong here. Of course, it's wrong of me to have projected onto bio girl, but what is my chaos twin even doing? The only takeaway I have from this experience (assuming I am in the wrong), is that men should never voice how they feel even to family members, which is the complete opposite of what I've been told. Would love to get other people's thoughts, opinions, and similar experiences on this matter, if you are willing. Thank you

[@mariebourgot4949]

I'll just say that I'm sorry you experienced that, and that you feelings are valid.

[@misszombiesue]

Do you think it's possible this friend you miss has her own unhealed trauma that made your story hard for her to digest?

[@maddyG7414]

Thank you for this video Ana! I had a friendship breakup in the last year, and it was a pretty intertwined, toxic one. I had to end it after many years of problems. I wasn’t always a great friend, and I’m glad I was able to let her know that before it ended, but I never really got closure on some of the very hurtful and manipulative things that happened to me with her. I think about it often, and doubt my feelings and stance, but ultimately we couldn’t see eye to eye. Loved your perspective! 😌

[@AnaPsychology]

Thank you for sharing!

[@CrunchyCrispy-pt8yv]

My previous best friend was my soul mate in many ways. Humor was matched in a way that I will probably never find again in another person. We understood each other in a way that was so deep, it inherently just felt kind of meant to be/romantic. But he also could turn me SO TOXIC. And he could be SO TOXIC. We were as addicted to having fun as we were to destroying and insulting each other. Constantly pulling and pushing. It still hurts that I had to cut him out. I found myself basically begging for abuse for awhile because my perception of care and affection was so warped by this person. It feels mundane to be in a healthy and positive relationship with people now sometimes. I've been free for almost a year now though. Always getting better! Used to cry and write so many notebook pages. "I miss him" "He threatened to kill me and he knows where I live" "He was so funny, and really listened to me" .... yeah. Definitely a traumatizing friendship. So delusional to think he cares for me.... but I still think he does. Maybe in another life we would still play Mario at 4am lol. I cut him put randomly one day with no warning. I feel sad now when I think of him. I have to resist cyber stalking him. I always wonder how he is doing.

[@xojust_j]

I went through a very bad friendship ending, because it was a close friendship, we always said it would be forever. It started with a discussion in which I said that I was thinking about going abroad and I had had an argument with my mother so I was very fragile, they told me that I wouldn't be able to do it, using my symptoms of depression, making me feel more down, saying that I was behaving like a teenager and who I thought was Kim Kardashian. I think I may have tired them out because I was feeling bad a lot of times but they also shared, we always supported each other, but they stopped talking in the group but I think they talked to each other. In addition to other situations like making an appointment and only the two of them arriving early without warning, there was a time I felt sick at a show and they left me alone, among other situations. It seemed like there was a group just between the two of them and it was letting me down. That's why I ended my friendship with them.

[@nurishgarayeva2886]

My experience is that I was (still am?) in a friend group of 4. I was separately friends with all of them, then I started to invite the others when I’m out with one of them, and just like that, we formed into a group of 4. However, now I’m in my hometown for summer, and they stayed in university for summer school. 3 of them are sharing the same room atm. For a whole week, I was the one who texted them, they never reached out. When I told them about it, they said that they didn’t have time to text anyone, not just me. After that, I saw their instagram stories where they were traveling to another city for the school break, being together all the time, posting stories all the time, and still, not texting me at all. Apparently, they don’t even have time to text me how have I been, but they have time to travel. So, idk what to do when I see them again next semester. I think I’ll just stop being friends with them, because it hurts.

[@mmmmdani]

This was so validating to watch. Thank you. I lost my friendship of over 20 years due to my friend’s BPD- she engaged in stalking behavior toward her ex (a mutual friend) and ended our friendship in a very dramatic and hurtful way when I finally called her out on it. It was a traumatizing experience that took many months to process. There was a lot of grief attached even though I know it wasn’t my fault; I was demonized by someone who knew twenty years’ worth of insecurities because I was being honest and addressing disturbing and harmful patterns of behavior. It’s especially hard when you think you know a person really well but they are able to hide the abusive parts of themselves and then turn on you once those parts are revealed. Again, thanks, this was so helpful.

[@ashley14579]

When I go and tell my friend about how I think about our friendship and I want to improve things, they mostly took it seriously and they made me believe I was the one who is wrong since I was telling something about things. So I feel like if that person is not capable hearing the reality, or if they don't want to change anything it is better to walk away I feel responsible telling them how I feel but it backfired me nearly all the time

[@JugglingG]

I regularly have dreams about several of my good friends over the years whose friendships have ended. They have ended due to geography mostly...I idolised them, and have become a part of who I am. For me it's hard to face the idea of reconnecting after such a long time and risking rejection or a changed dynamic, when the unspoken love for them is still very real if only as a memory.

[@victoriacasalenuovo7948]

I had a best friend throughout middle school and high school. But I ended up moving to a different state and we texted all the time & always thought it would be so awesome to live in the same state since we have grown up so much. When I finally moved back to the same state for school she treated me different. She would flake on our plans to hang out with a guy & just genuinely didn’t respect the time and effort I put into our friendship. She would “forget” her wallet all the time. I brought up to her how it made me feel and she apologized but she continued to do the same things over and over. She never made plans to hangout & only contacted me if she needed to vent. I ended up cutting contact with her cold, no explanation. I still feel very bad about doing that. But I feel like she didn’t care about our friendship in the first place. Thank you Ana for this video. It’s validating to know that friendship break ups are common. & that I’m allowed to feel upset and hurt

[@tiffany999]

I went through a friendship breakup with one of my best friends, after she acted like nothing had happened when first my grandma and shortly afterwards my granddad died. I was super close with both and stayed with my dying grandma for one week, holding her hand and being by her side as she slowly passed. The first time I met my friend 2 weeks after all of this, she did not make any effort to make a comment, ask one question or even say her condolonces about my grandparents passing, since she "had already texted me that." Instead she wanted me to listen to her talking about her two most recent Tinder dates and stress at work. I was so taken aback that I did not even say anything during the meeting, but only asked her about it a couple of days later. She went on to blame me afterall for being overly critical and demanding 😂 Bruuhhh, it was rough! But some friends are really not meant to be in your life.

[@jewel-x8n]

Thanks for making this video- differing values and socioeconomic differences are so difficult to navigate!

[@luaneshaa]

friendship breakups are extremely painful, ngl im still not 100% over friends that i havent spoken to in years. i basically have no irl friends now and i still ask myself if its my fault since im the common denominator. i dont even know if i was the one initiating all of these breakups, im sure i am in their perspective but in mine? not rly. i love texting my friends and keeping in touch with them and i understand that becoming an adult made it harder for everybody but i was always available, always inviting, always texting first. the SECOND you stop doing that (cause... you know, stuff gets bad for you too) suddenly everybody disappears and their excuse is always not having time, yet you see them hang out with people that they used to talk crap about? this situation is really confusing because youre kind of the initiator but also not? thats why im still in the bragaining phase, always wondering if its me who did something wrong, maybe i was the bad friend maybe i was immature, constanly analyzing myself to become a better person. funny how these people never do it! you end up being the bad guy for simply putting yourself first xd hope everybody struggling with this eventually finds their people

[@fluciumful]

I have once instance of rekindling with a friend and was very happy with how things turned out. We both grew a lot and even still our first conversation just felt like catching up again! Also have an instance where I tried to reach out and rekindle but the other party wasn't interested. I understood why and when I reflect back on it I'm glad she wasn't interested. So, it has gone different ways for me but in the end I'm always happy with how it turns out :)

[@12Sanguine]

I've had lots of naturally faded friendships. But only two dramatic friend breakups. In both cases those friends had severe mental health problems that I did not perceive as red flags when I should have.

[@Cutlerypotato]

The slow fade is the move

[@grk70s]

There are no friends only temporary acquaintances.

[@JulyBay]

Ana I wanna encourage you to share your perspective despite public criticism. As much as I love the research, I also subscribed because I like you and I value your perspective as well. Anyway besides that. I believe “clear is kind” -Berne brown. I don’t think it benefits anybody being ambiguous bc usually we project our fears into the unknown. I will always respect someone who can say shit with their chest in a kind clear way.

[@mustafaal-nidawi622]

I have been through a friend breakup two years ago (I am a high school senior currently, so this was sophomore year)! I had two best friends which extended to a 5-people friend group including myself. Because I misunderstood my friends when they spoke to me, I eventually believed that they were leaving me and another out for obnoxious reasons such as liking different music… however I realized a year after that I was thinking about myself too much and that I was unfair to my friends saying that they were excluding me. So, I went back and apologized in Junior year and friendship rekindled when me and the friend I first met in sophomore year ended up in the same classes! We’re now best friends and I am also best friends with her sister as well. The friendship we had AFTER the breakup was actually way stronger than before, and we deal with conflicts much easier than we used to. :) Thanks for sharing this video!

[@Scorned405]

All relationships end. Most people never learn this lesson. It’s transactional and brief and that’s reality. There’s no “ soul mate” or any of that nonsense. People use each other to get their needs met.

[@StarAZ]

A counter-annecdote if I may: T and I were friends in elementary school. We would trade books with each other. Then he moved to a different country with his parents and we didn't stay in touch. Years later, I posted on social that I was going to this university abroad. T replied that he was going to the same uni and we reunited. At that point, we were both pretty nerdy. I was chasing after girls rather desperately. I thought him "not cool enough" and kind of distanced him a bit. I went through some personal transformation and got a lot more comfortable with myself in the second half of my uni life. T and I got a lot closer after that. Right now I consider him one of my two best friends and I am so grateful we stayed friends

[@7ShadowMaiden7]

Just ended a friendship with a suspected narcissist (like actually clinical ticks off all the boxes except realizing she has a problem) and I have felt so much relief but also hurt. I was never going to be good enough for her to value.

[@shes.an.angler]

A sad/unfortunate friend breakup story due to untreated mental illness. In college, my friend group consisted 5 people, 2 of who were roommates who were really tight. One of the roommates has a mental illness that requires regular medication (won't disclose specific illness for privacy reasons). At some point, said person stopped taking meds without telling anyone b/c they thought they were getting better, I guess, but unfortunately, they got worse as a result. While off meds, they became SUPER clingy to the other roommate, using her as a therapist 24/7 and even threatening physical violence when she started to pull away. Finally, we found out the friend had stopped taking their medications, and they were hospitalized. Once they got back on their meds, their mental state improved, but the damage to the social group was done. Aside from the roommate friend, another friend found it too triggering to stay in touch because it reminded him too much of his own abusive parent, who suffered from the same disorder. I guess the rest of us felt like our loyalty was to the other roommate as we were friends with her first, and frankly, we didn't trust them to stick to the medicine regime because at the time, they didn't seem to take as much accountability as we'd hoped. In hindsight though, I wish I had done a better job of staying in touch. Nobody is as mature yesterday as they are today, but even so, I wish I handled that better. I'm sure we all have regrets over how we acted at that time. The sad thing about the breakup is that I think most of us still think fondly of the former friend. They are a genuinely kind person underneath their trauma, and we know their behavior from that time period isn't representative of their true character. I guess it was just bad timing in that this breakup happened towards the end of college, so by the time the rest of us had enough space between the bad event to be able to consider re-establishing the friendship, we had gone our separate ways. I think to an extent, we are also afraid that we are triggering to her too. While I would certainly like to be friends again if we found ourselves in the same city, I'm also cognizant that they may not want to be reminded of a dark time in their past, and I don't know if our presence is triggering in and of itself. We've had some minor contact since this friendship breakup, which I guess is better than nothing. The other roommate tells me to this day that their friend breakup was worse than any romantic breakup she's had. I hope one day we are able to repair this rift, and if not, it's just a valuable learning lesson for us going forward.

[@Applecitylightkiwi]

Anyone thinks there is a difference of a longlasting friendship breakup than just out of sight out of mind

[@furia2472]

I broke off any form of contact with my best friend (of 10 years) two years ago and I can't help but still think of her sometimes. We became best friends instantly after meeting each other in middle school. I feel like even then, back from the start, we had a lot of problems and unnecessary drama. And yeah, we were in school, so there was bound to be some drama, but it was about things that still seem icky to me, even when I'm an adult. Overall, I think our biggest problem was that the only thing that connected us was being the "weird kids" (and as I later found out neurodivergent). But looking back at our friendship, I honestly don't know how we managed to keep this thing going for so long. We couldn't have been more different from each other when it came to our interests, morals, ways of behaving in certain situations. Our family situations were vastly different, just our ways of being were very different. And it created so many misunderstandings and rifts between us. One situation that comes to my mind when I think about how differently we would handle situations, was when one day she told me that one girl in class was making fun of me when I wasn't present in class. So I asked her if she defended me in any shape or form. She said "no, not really," and I couldn't fathom that. How can you be closest friends with someone and not even budge when someone is insulting them? I would be throwing hands if it were me. As years went by and we were already adults, my frustration with her just kept building up. I felt like there were even more problems after high school, as we didn't go to the same school. For example, our senses of humor started changing (so one less thing that made us similar). I also befriended nice girls in high school and, thanks to that, I understood that it's not normal to feel in competition with your best friend, and to feel like your boundaries are constantly being crossed. The last two years of our friendship could barely even be called a friendship as we would have fights and "breaks" from each other constantly. There were times where we would not contact each other for months at a time, but we would always make up in the end and try to act as if nothing happened. But then, every time we met up, even though it was rather seldom, I would feel so exhausted right after. I feel like near the end of our friendship she would only want to meet up when she was having a hard time and wanted to vent to someone about how hard her life is, how her relationships are failing, etc. And I would endure it every time and try to be a supportive friend. The situation that made me go, "I've had enough," was when, after yet another "break," we decided to meet up and catch up on what happened in our lives when we weren't talking. But not even 15 minutes into our meeting, she would keep checking her phone and texting someone vigorously. It seemed like she wasn't even listening to what I was telling her. I got pissed and asked what was her deal, and she tried making excuses that it was an unfortunate timing and that she just got into a fight with her girlfriend over text (during our meeting somehow!), so she had to reply to the messages. I gave her some time to talk things over with her girlfriend, but after roughly an hour, I got tired of waiting and being disappointed over and over again, so I just left. After that situation, I started ghosting her. I know it's not the most mature thing to do. But you have to understand that I had numerous "talks" with her about our problems before that, and nothing ever improved. And I got so tired that I just cut her off entirely. Before, I tried upkeeping the relationship I had with her for as long as I could. In my mind, I thought to myself, "Even though we have many problems and meeting with her is always so frustrating, she's still my best friend whom I shared many of my struggles with." I think I was just afraid that I would not be able to find another best friend. And honestly, two years after our "break up," and there isn't a person that I would call my close best friend. I have close friends whom I can talk with anytime I want, but I don't think I'm "the closest and most important" friend to anyone I know. And it feels somewhat embarrassing to consider someone your best friend and the person you would call first to tell them good news, but know that you're not even in the top 5 people on this person's list. So that's something I struggle with after breaking off contact with my bff.

[@s.f.nightingale1735]

What did I learn from this video; distancing is a form of break up. So I technically broke up with my friend before they broke up with me, because I finally voiced my opinion in a discussion theyvweren't actually having with me, but rather too me. Conclusion: yeah that was a crappy relationship, and I do not need to return to it. Thank you.

[@ajb5079]

After starting grad school, I broke up with my ex of four years. I had been struggling with depression since I was in middle school, but it had worsened while I was with him. When I moved, I decided I would do what “normal” early 20-somethings do and go out to drink annd party a lot. I became rather popular in my cohort because of this: people thought I was so fun and carefree. It was something so foreign to me. I made friends with a group of girls and I thought I was so happy because I never had that before. But when I went home every day I was miserable, and it got worse over time. I didn’t know why. I thought something was wrong with me. After some really low lows, I started therapy and then psychiatry for the first time ever. I was told I should quit drinking, so over time I did. I also started dating someone at the end of my first year. After a year of dating him, my old “friend” group thought that he was controlling me and that’s why I stopped drinking and hanging out with them. It’s more complicated than that, but needless to say we had a falling out. It was upsetting, but ultimately for the best. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. My boyfriend is wonderful and has been so supportive in my journey of self discovery through therapy. The friends that I have made here that persisted have been so accepting of me and I feel great around them rather than judged and scrutinized. I got diagnosed with autism and ADHD recently and I’m more true to myself than ever. It’s all a necessary part of life

[@alexzajickova605]

Ive made at least one frienship breakup like that, i was honest And kind , saying i Wish her the best And i really like her , but She isnt a good friend to me And i want to only have people around that work in mutual way in friendship. For me knowing the Reason would be So much better than when other friend with who was close Just stopped talking with me without any explanation, it leaves you wondering for So long thinking what was the Real Reason.

[@rennoc6478]

I live in a military town, so with everyone moving away I never really taught myself how to keep a friend. My friendships usually go like a roller coaster, low interaction high interaction low interaction barely any interaction no interaction. To keep myself from seeming emotionally clingy I’ve created a rule for myself that if I’m the one always contacting the other person ill stop and wait for them to contact me before continuing the friendship (even if its just a simple happy birthday or merry Christmas ) and going no contact after this seems to happen to 9/10 friends I make so idk if this is right.

[@Gina-rm5wt]

Some people are in your life for a reason another are just for a season.

[@emo_intellekt]

Dr. Anna Udin, the friendship breakup expert, finally answers the question that has been plaguing us all: 'Can I come back from a friendship breakup?' And the answer is... maybe? Just kidding, it's way more complicated than that. But seriously, this video is like a therapy session for your friendship woes. Thanks for the emotional validation, Dr. Udin!

[@kennyOliva5]

Now that you started to talk about this topic, it would be amazing if you could give some advices on how to break up with a friend in more details. Like, how to overcome the fear of ending alone or hurting the other person, how to not think about how much they will hate you for it, how to accept that even though it hurts, it's the best thing... Personally, I've been dealing with this for a while now. I deeply love my best friend so it's really hard to break up things with her, but she's different now, and that's ok, but it hurts a bit to feel that she has many other priorities while I became pretty much dependent. We use to be really close, so now that we're not, it hurts a lot because I feel like I need her way more than she needs me, and waiting for things to "go back to normal" is just painful because it will never happen, but even though I know that and I accept it, doesn't make it less painful, so deep inside me I feel like I should somehow end things, but I’m so afraid of negative outcomes. It could be also be interesting to talk about what you should do if you start to fall for friend.

[@fungouslobster5123]

some of my friend breakups have been for the better, the wrong people will drag you down, if they're not working towards anything and just working a dead end job they're not good for you

[@marymelala]

Throughout my childhood and teenage years my family and I moved a lot, so i've had a fair share of friendship breakups from different parts of the world. One that i remember was in middle school, I had a friend who was really nice but since my other two friends didnt like her, i kind of started seeing her through their eyes and distanced myself. She wrote me a letter in which she expressed how she noticed my change in bahavior and that she knew it was influenced by my other friends, and it made her really sad so she decided to make it easy for the both of us she would stop being my friend. As a kid i didnt know how to process it, i felt guilty for hurting her and kind of... in disbelief? Idk how else to explain it. Regrettably i also wss relieved from having to "stealthily" distance myself during recess. We continued being good classmates till i went back to my home country. With time the guilt only grew, especially since I have had friends distance themselves from me for similiar reasons. Everytime i remember this story i think about how brave and strong she was for writing that letter and making the decision to not be close to me. She deserved better and she knew it.

[@MrJoxxxi]

My mother lost her best friend in her mid 40's, after that her mental helath was progressively declining, and she never recivered, it was the time when therapy was not wide soread, very sad ...

[@mtowerm4650]

Points from this video gave me some reasons to calm down a little bit and accept a friendship breakup that I experienced myself several years ago🌿🍃 Thank you! This content is gold!🌔✨⛏ (There is no emoji of a gold bar😄)

[@28empoleon]

I ended up realizing that i was autistic in the process of having sooo many friendship breakups in my early 20s and I eventually did get diagnosed for being somewhere in the ASD spectrum

[@Kitkit759]

Last summer my old friend group (we were a trio) started saying really disgusting, fatphobic things and I was so disturbed by it. I stuck with them for months. I don’t even know why, I think I wanted to believe that they weren’t those type of people, to be fair, they were very open minded about literally everything else. I just thought they were just peer pressured and didn’t actually think like that, but they would make those type of jokes with me alone, no one peer pressured them to make such vile jokes, and I clearly didn’t engage. I pointed it out, hoping for them to do some self reflection, but nope. They couldn’t fathom how harmful jokes can be, even when you don’t mean them. They also stayed friends with, and defended someone who had really disgusting beliefs about genocide, if you get my gist. I also started to notice how they both just were closer to each other much more than with me, one time, we were in class and something funny happened and they instantly looked at each other when I tried to look at them. Me and one of them also took the school bus together and it was just…silent until the third girl arrived to school, and then it was just burst of laughter. I was just there. I cried over all of this literally all of those last few months we talked. And then suddenly, one of the friends came out and said that she has been making a LIST over YEARS of why she didn’t want to be friends with me, and she would tell me the next day. Next day comes and I tell them what I said in the first paragraph. The girl who made the list then pointed out so many things I did wrong in our friendship, and some of them i don’t remember doing, but there she was in front of me crying over it. You think I would pretend it didn’t happen just because I don’t remember? No!! She told me about how she felt like she was always second choice, how I was laughing at her when she was being vulnerable, how I was hypocritical for wanting to cut her off because of morals but i was still friends with someone else who was arguably even more immoral, and how I would gossip about her. I didn’t remember doing any of this besides realizing how I would treat her like a second option and the other friend that was arguably immoral. This made it hurt so much more, i had to realize that I, ME, did such terrible things even though I didnt remember, and that I was genuinely such a bad person. And what I did to her was so much more personal than what they did. It hurt, I would cycle through grief for months like you said, depression lasted for a long time at the beginning, especially due to guilt. It’s been six months and I could recite every text we had the day before we met up to officially break up. Like, literally. I’ve been journaling and reflecting for months. Trying to be mindful of everything I need to improve on, literally like, annotating, analyzing, breaking everything I did into bits and pieces. I’m still doing this because I know I have a lot to improve on still. And something that keeps me going and comforts me at times i miss them is the fact that they NEVER took any of my criticisms seriously. I hear fatphobic comments after comment all the time in a class we all share together. It’s so…disgusting. But I don’t know what they’re doing, maybe they’re secretly reflecting on it or something. But yeah, 6 months, i remember the exact date, almost the exact words of our big final conversation, all the texts, it’s a lot. The sheer amount of loneliness I felt after we stopped talking was honestly so bad, i think back in it and I’m surprised how I handled seeing them in classes without breaking down. But currently, I get annoyed at myself for the slow progress of my grief, even though I know it’s just how it is. People are genuinely so weird, how can you be great one moment and do terrible things the next? Sighs, ok I’m done :)

[@chrismaxwell1624]

Friendships come and go. Some will stay with you others won't. I find it's mostly the slow death. I have some friends that have stayed. Mostly the slow death is just from out growing them and going different directions in life. It's nothing that went wrong just grew apart.

[@Wargoat6]

Well this is timely

[@WilliamRaezer]

Dumpster fire. I was accused of using the pretense of being friends to get something.

[@susanasantos1878]

Can you do a video on what to do when you're a survivor of CPTSD?

[@HectorKom-cg5if]

Thank you dr ana you are always super helpfull and beautifull. You are doing a great job.

[@oliolioliX]

Love this topic!!

[@killjoy3724]

A couple months ago my ex bff of 8 years texted me a angry rant about how she wants to punch me. Havent even spoken or seen eachtoher in about 4 years. I stopped being her friend bc she texted my partner at the time calling him names, even though he stayed respectful. I think she was mad I was spending less time with her. Then I told her her bf was cheating on her, which got her mad at me as she stayed with him. Then she began saying guys who like petite women are ped0s, im petite... her bf was also cheating on her with a petite girl

[@jokerpilled2535]

This is what happened between me and my cousins.

[@angelflower176]

Hey Anna can you talk about abortion grief, grief when you lose a sibling or family/close friend to suicide or disenfranchised grief in society. Also domestic violence in society and what causes it. Rapes and sexual assaults in society and what causes it and how to help it etc etc!:) very intense topics:)

[@AmandaGrant-d6c]

It's a lot harder to leave a friend than to leave a lover, and that's fucking hard. Whyyyyy?

[@rickc.ferreira]

Really good content.

[@FloppedASF]

I don't even bother making friends and I don't have any

[@n1shan1h]

That’s it I’m marrying a psychologist

[@mcvmarie]

Thank you🎉off topic---Can you speak on how to move on and stop letting dark repeating thoughts about a violent crime I was a victim of? I thought I guess suppressed it but realize I never fully healed. I had another big life experience that ended negatively and it retriggered all those same emotions. I just can't understand why I can't get through this all these years later.😢

[@coppelxia]

Ok so here’s my friendship breakup story. TW: MENTIONS OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP TW: MENTION OF SEXUAL ABUSE So it was August 2019 and I was broken up with by a partner who sexually abused me and I met someone who was in a mutual discord server with me asking if I was ok because I had not been in that server for a while (he was a guy) I told him what happened and he offered me comfort and treated me like a human being. One day he confessed he had a crush on me and I was already dealing with trauma from my previous relationship and I was having a major identity crisis (I identified as pansexual but thought I was a lesbian I figured out I was actually bi last year) so I gently turned him down then I found out he was dating another girl shortly after I turned him down and he didn’t have enough time to spend with me and due to feeling hurt and unknowingly having feelings for him at the time and due to trauma I lashed out at him and he ghosted me I had never endured something like this before so it was all very new to me eventually i realized I was bi and I did have feelings for him so I reached out to him and apologized for my behavior we later made up but eventually it became a “situationship” because he told me he already had a girlfriend at the time and I was trying to heal but he would say things like “I might fall for you one day” so I was getting my hopes up I did everything I could to make this “situationship” work and did everything for him he even outright said at one point he wanted to make out with me and even stated he had his girlfriend’s permission so as a result I was in a game where I had no hope or chance of winning no matter how much I tried and even despite giving my all to make it work and one day venting to him about my childhood he unfriended me and left me all alone I was so heartbroken I had dissociated for four days and I had one of the biggest emotional meltdowns of my life but luckily now I’ve found someone much better and now im in an actual relationship this time where I’m actually treated like a human being and my current partner cares for me and how I feel as much as I care for him and how he feels im hoping to meet my current partner in August and when I meet him i will definitely give him a big hug and let him know how much I love him

[@andrewavila3643]

Hi anna, big fan! Im currently in a bit of a pickle and really dont know who to ask haha. Im at the point of wanting to split from my first time gf, but i still think she is a wonderful person who deserves the best. Its self centered i think, but i have been putting this off because she cares extremely deeply about me and plans for this to last forever. My question is, is yhere a proper way to go about this breakup to minimize how much i hurt her, and more importantly is there tactics i can use to build the courage up to ignore what the megative feelings this will bring and just do this because it is the best things for all parties? Even if you just read this, thanks for your tjme and videos! Really been helping me for a couple years now!

[@sebastienbrusselletbe1243]

u da goat

[@11111mhmhmh]

it's really not a big deal, people are like seasons, they come and go. I'm 41, retired a nd speak 3 languages..let me ask you one question.. anyone like me values self growth, do you think you can be this way surrounding yourselves with the same people? the answer is no, people just don't suit each other anymore, same goes for family. If i'm constantly trying to learn and improve, how can I stay around the same people who have no interest in growing as person? this is a taboo topic because society is stupid and wants you to believe dumb shit. to each their own.

[@Shark8D]

This reminds me of an old tune 🙃: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rJK9n6unZrWljck

[@THElSEXlKEETTY]

literally just started a chapter about this in my interpersonal communications class! ❤

[@TheViralClovers]

Thank god someone is speaking about this, I had to keep pretending it was a relationship in advice seeking forums just to be taken seriously

[@AnaPsychology]

Oh no! I had no idea there are people who don't take friendship breakups seriously :(

[@mordecai8707]

Yea I feel this, even some of Ana’s own relationship videos I watched them and put myself and friend in the shoes of a couple (so that I could get advice on my friendships)😅 a romantic relationship and a friendship are not that different, they boil down to a relationship with another person at the end of the day

[@mtowerm4650]

@@mordecai8707 so true for me as well!😆

[@MrJoxxxi]

I could only speak about it in therapy, nobody was there for me and it was one of the most traumatic experiences of all...

[@erinlee5936]

@mordecai8707 FR not many people talk about breakups in social relationships (friendships, familial relationships, etc). It's definitely a subject worth talking about more in public discourse. Not all relationships are romantic in nature, and not everyone is seeking help or support for romantic relationships that have ended.

[@AmandaGrant-d6c]

"The older you get, the more you realize it's not about who knows you the longest, it's about who makes you feel seen, heard, understood, appreciated, supported and loved." It's been painful reflecting over long term relationships with new found perspective of a more healed version of yourself. Like, damn. It really feels like life starts over when you let go...you really let go.

[@Aykawaiii]

THANK GOD THANK GOD!!! Someone spoke up about this. This is something which should be normalised. The topic of friendship. We all are just so invested in relationships that the content just revolves around it. This was much needed. This is one of those topics that must be spoken of. Just how bad romantic break ups are friendship breakups are much worse for some people. Thank you!!!

[@AnaPsychology]

I'm so glad it resonated!!

[@Aykawaiii]

@@AnaPsychology I'm extremely grateful for you!!! I hope there's going to be more friendship related videos, we all need it so bad. Couldn't thank you enough!

[@PanGrono]

Unfortunately most of the people don’t know how to be a good friend. When you realize that they are not giving anything, just break up with them.

[@mr.irrelevent8956]

I broke up with someone who I called my best friend about 6 months ago because every time I tried to bring up something small that bothered me, I got blamed for it. They couldn’t really take accountability and haven’t really shown in any interest in growing since.

[@ladyofhollows9841]

I wish people talked about this more... For some of us, friendship and partner breakups feel just as painful because we are interested in building really meaningful, close relationships in both cases.

[@babaganouche9605]

The depression and pain I felt after my best friend broke up with me was the most profound I have ever felt. Since then I have tried as much as I can to become a better person. She doesn't want to resume friendship and it took me a long time to accept that, but all the learning, work and changes I have been doing is worth it. It led me to better understanding my own behaviors and reactions. It is still taking me a long time to really grow into the kind of person I want to be.

[@tronalddump2444]

How are you now? I mean, sometimes, people have depression, that's why they don't socialize anymore.