Anxious Attachment - What Your Fearful Avoidant Ex Feels During NO CONTACT

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Anxious Attachment: What does your fearful-avoidant ex feel during no contact? This video will discuss what your ex experiences after a break-up when you choose to set a strong boundary.
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Thank you for watching!

[@darthvaydr]

In my unfortunate experiences, fearful attachment styles sabotage their relationships early on, like during the honeymoon phase because the closeness begins to be too much for them.

[@caycic1]

yep

[@popeye3945]

Totally agree with you, they are just not emotionally available even though they do reach out. Give them the gift of missing you and don't chase even if that's what they think they want! Read 3% man and best not to get hung up or attached to one woman. As with an FA it helps keep you in perspective on what is the best for you not for them. We can't fix someone else as tempting as it is to date someone's potential it only leads to a road to pain.

[@darthvaydr]

@@popeye3945 it’s funny you mention 3% man. I’ve been following coach Corey Wayne for a long time now lol I do need to read his book.

[@popeye3945]

@@darthvaydr get the audiobook 10-15 times if you want to become a 3% time it gives you testicular fortitude....))🤠

[@popeye3945]

I should really listen to what I wrote 😂😃😂😃😂

[@aishwaryasuryavanshi4720]

Beautifully explained. I’m an AP doing the No Contact with a FA. Not as a manipulation technique but I felt it is time for me to take a step back as I was feeling emotionally drained all the time.

[@kalypso9256]

Anxious p…..? ❤

[@Afternoon99]

Idk what my ex attachment style is. He was loving and always wanted to spend time but when things go bad between us he will take a break for a week or two and I couldn’t stay without him because I missed his present when we spent time together. We vdo call all the time even when he was at work. So idk if he starts to be FA now. Is it possible? After our break up he reached out twice but there’s one time I talked about the break up and my issues about why I did things he didn’t like and I told him he also did mistakes too. He ended up ignoring me. I reached out asking why he was distant. He said there’s nothing to talk to begin with… so I let him go. Is he FA?

[@aishwaryasuryavanshi4720]

@@Afternoon99 Does seem like one. Better to move on.

[@Gbb93]

@@Afternoon99you might both be anxious, and in that case, the more anxious person causes the other to pull away and become “avoidant” even though they aren’t really avoidant/fearful avoidant

[@angelbaby91]

Literally the only way an AP can pull this off is when we’ve reached our breaking point and started creating that relationship with ourselves. As an AP, I’ve realized that my threshold for tolerating relationship dysfunction is WAY too high, almost inexhaustible. My FA partner had to cheat on me over 20 times and start breaking up with me every single weekend before I finally hopped off the crazy train.

[@CarterSams]

Wow that’s REALLY mean. Im so sorry that happened to you. I think that may not just be about attachment style but character, and maybe some other issues. Good for you for moving on and all the very best to you ❤

[@talktalk3]

I'm an AP and I tolerated 5 years of abuse from a DA--cheating, lying, breaking up without explanation countless times, physical abuse, gaslighting, the whole 9--and I wasn't able to break free until I had moved on to someone else. That's been my unfortunate reality as an unhealed PA for most of my life (now in my early 30s)

[@angelbaby91]

@@talktalk3 Yeah, I think it's the physical addiction we form to the neurochemical release of oxytocin and dopamine. So you were able to quit because you found those neurochemicals in another relationship. Once I learned about physical addiction, I did a bunch of research and I was able to get on a medication that helped me re-stabilize and leave the relationship.

[@jais5807]

That sounds like a full blown narcissist personality disorder not just FA..

[@happythoughts505]

Bigtime Anxious!! I feel totally used & abused when he disappears & comes back, ignored my wishes & intentions, but my fault for allowing it everytime!!

[@kriti3011]

Excellent! I have an anxious attachment style because of a missing parent situation in childhood. I can tell you are a 100 percent correct on anxious attachment behaviour.

[@sugarpuppy911]

You have been helping me so much on my heart wrenching breakup with an fa ! I wish the best for you always❤️

[@iddefusco]

Starts @3:00

[@aektabandodker7322]

Thank you. I really needed to hear this ❤️

[@ashpeng2066]

this is so helpful especially the metaphor of the gone-away partner. Very inspiring, thank you so so much!

[@kristicarle273]

You are so wonderful. I am so grateful to have found your channel.

[@mr.e8282]

Thankyou for this. I'm the AP currently going through this w/ an FA. This is exactly what I needed to understand. I love your videos, it's really helping me to understand my person as well as myself & I can have some real hope that as we work things out, we'll have a real strategy to provide eachother with what we need to properly heal. If I may enter a request: I am hoping for more actionable advice in your videos. I can see that the framework you're offering is solid. Now I'm hoping to learn examples of specific actions I can take & do the work making the much needed repairs.

[@mexi8739]

What happened?

[@06firdausnoelmacarius98]

Noel here and 41% secure in attachment quiz. My FA partner is initiating NC now, im not that bothered now that i can self soothe, and being detached from the outcome later also helps. For anyone that wants to detach, learn to let go of a thought that we hyperfocus so much, to get with our partner back, if its not going to happen its not going to, to hope whether u guys became platonic or romance is okay if you want to but it takes your power away bcs youre hyperfocusing on your partner (clingy, needy, yk basically the core wounds of an AP, i am an AP myself but now only 35%). Learn to let go, its going to be your best bet to become secure.

[@jaxon6735]

I have learned so much from the school, can you speak on how grief affects the different attachment styles and relationships?

[@jeffaungier5379]

No contact forever.... ex girl whom i treated like a princess said we are done as i want more than she does... even though at the age of 47 she kept pulling me back after pushing me away. Been no contact for 5 weeks and ive no interest in breaking that. She wants space so im giving her so much space she’ll feel like Neil fucking Armstrong ! Nobody’s life should revolve around a single one person !

[@davidmax7010]

i c an recom mend you to some one who can help you bring back your ex +(234).9025712142 WhatsApp him for help.....

[@godisonelove3557]

Yes, that's the right extent of space for someone like that..

[@nativechique7589]

Trying that rn til I'm over them

[@godisonelove3557]

An Anxious Preoccupied doesn't need an FA in their life in any shape or form. Deserves someone who treats them like a human and not like a use and throw doormat. Someone who takes care of their feelings too as much as AP does for them.

[@ComradeFromRhody401]

Need more content on the Fearful Avoidant during breakups/no contact/reconciliation.. why they have so much negative self talk and how to combat it, why do they break up so often and then run right back and what are they thinking when they do these things

[@davidmax7010]

i c an recom mend you to some one who can help you bring back your ex +(234).9025712142 WhatsApp him for help.....

[@popeye3945]

It's just how they are it's simply the fear of having too much invested into one person . If the connection is more emotional then they will return of it's just physical they won't.

[@zebrastripes3786]

@@popeye3945 My FA just left me after a 2 year relationship thanking me for a great 2 years. I’m AP and I’m loosing my mind here. Even though he always had that “come here go away” dynamic he’s never really broke up with me. I hope comes back 😢

[@itsbritneybitch69]

@@zebrastripes3786 whats happened mine broke up with me for the 4th time in 8 months 2 weeks ago but was really sweet for the first week then more distant in the second saying remember we are not together, ive not text him for 2 days now and heard nothing and ive lost 6lb in 5 days and losing the plot

[@SSEi02]

Don’t give avoidants more than one chance to hurt you. They will repeat the cycle as many times as you allow the programming is too deeply ingrained

[@thomass6772]

Excellent information and understanding of attachment types. I am going through this exact situation as an anxious. I would really appreciate a quick first steps process on self healing and some examples of boundaries and needs in case my X does try to reach out.

[@doodoobrownies]

I found that keeping busy helped a lot. I took the time to learn about all the attachment types so I can better recognize future compatibility in partners (including her). Make sure you doing things that make you happy. And the best thing I can say is get physical. I walk 2-3 miles a day and go to the gym 5 times a week. Something about getting out there and moving really helps my mental state. Pick up a new hobby. Don't dwell on the breakup as best as you can. I can't say much about boundaries and the rest. I will say that if she came back I'd be very wary about getting back with her if she hasn't done any work on herself. Good luck, my friend! Stay positive!

[@gmm2910]

Thank you!! This has been so helpful

[@sandym6352]

Oh ya, he sabotaged over and over. I gave him multiple chances to 'show up' and he didn't. I finally just stopped responding to his random messages in some lame attempt to reconnect.

[@iamaliveyoucantstopnow]

Sounds like my ex 😂😂😂

[@aleewoolley]

This is so helpful. Thank you!

[@tulip5210]

Thank you for all that you do!

[@rohitisalwayspositiv]

Hi Thais Thank you so much I received your email about my attachment style, it's really helpful to understand what's happening in my relationship.. I feel I am love with a girl and your videos really help in giving me a powerful insight into things 😊🙏❤

[@Tam438]

wow, really helpful, thank you!

[@Aliyahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

Very interesting thanks for explaining

[@victorianewton2426]

Can we please get time stamps on these videos? A lot of them take about 5-7 minutes before the point of the video is addressed. That way people who are watching multiple videos can skip ahead.

[@hmanfilms]

Did she ever talk about what the fearful avoidant ex experiences during no contact? I feel like I listened to the whole video but never once heard anything about what the FA goes through. I only heard AP

[@bdr33gm]

Exactly. I think this video needs to be relabeled. Has nothing to do with the FA...just Thias on a tangent.

[@Megz129]

I thought my ex was fearful avoidant. Turns out he was a full blown Narcissist with psychopathic tendencies. So we need to educate ourselves on narcissism too see be able to discern who we dealing with. With a narcissist it's get out and stay out. They never change.

[@lightofall]

This

[@NomitNegi]

i dont think fa are narc but boderline traits

[@beth9015]

How did you realized that your ex was not an FA, but a narcissist?

[@valentinanocross8677]

The refined details are important and nice to hear. No contact is painfully hard for me. And I haven't done it 100%, but when i let go, somebody who has done conscious work stood before me. The reprogramming must be working, because most of the time I'm actually positive and happy. I just kind of beat myself up for the short messages i sent, whether he read them or not.

[@lovebug9814]

I’ve done the same with sending some short but calm messages with no response to most. Those were mostly 2 weeks post break up. Then went NC. My DA ex reached out to me 28 days after NC. We had some good convo then I mentioned the possibility of talking in person and he went silent again. Back to NC I guess. It’s frustrating. 1 step forward, 2 steps back:(.

[@valentinanocross8677]

@@lovebug9814 and that IMO is wayyyyy to painfully old pattern to ask my ex to talk in person.i only send him the outlining details of the 3 insecure attachments, so that IF he actually decided he wants a relationship to work with any one..he can. I ex plained briefly how good and thanked him for showing up a second and third time, the challenges and hence my time to learn. I'm no contact in a way, that I don't look for any replies. When one is no attached to the outcome..one Can do whatever they want .I find moving on is way less painful ..growth is inevitable.i think about the many boyfriend's I outgrew. And remind myself I survived them all and I grew from all of them. Be ok with learning rejection and everything becomes ok. They can answer, they can not answer it doesn't affect my growth.i do it for me!

[@lovebug9814]

Valentina Nocross I’m going to continue to be strong too. It’s so sad because mine told me that I’m a great person, a great catch and he doesn’t deserve me. I believe he really feels he doesn’t deserve me because he thinks he failed me which is sad. I now know he is DA and was really trying to open up and improve communication with me. He would always say he was really trying. I just didn’t see it as enough at that time. So, I feel I failed him in a way. He’s such a great guy in so many ways. Just sad knowing what I know now that he was really trying.

[@valentinanocross8677]

@@lovebug9814 and I really mean love bug, I use that word alot. We have a very similar situation. Hear me from the bottom of my heart. I too needed growth because I didn't understand what was happening before they shut down. I have a bit of a language barrier and maybe makes it a bit harder. When they know we are doing the work and they aren't willing to lose us, they WILL come running. But literally I can see the low self worth when my ex throws words around his status things like car etc... and puts his hands on his hips when talking to other men, the strong men are just relaxed. I told mine before I'm no longer going to play small so we that he can feel big. Mine knows exactly the work I've done and my results. He can do with that information what he will, if he's reading the emails. It is not our project to grow them or step on their boundaries because they aren't ready or wanting to change. Most relationship coaches say believe the words out of their mouth. I have met someone many times better than that ex. The communication the intimacy, and even the sex to my surprise. I have a little guilty..that's my sickness to clear up. I had guilty over parenting my parent probably. Please for the love of yourself agree with your ex and accept those as words a parent would tell their child. Wish for yourself what he does and Believe!!! Their is someone better for you. When you are with that other person the ex can feel it.that might be the motivation they need but!!! At that time you can decide what you want.isnt it wonderful to have many choices? Speaking from experience, yes it is. Get honest with yourself and think big , when you know what you want, it will be delivered to your door. I like the teachings of Abraham alot for motivation. Only feel good and see what aligns with you. Do you really want to not feel good and align with someone who is notfeeling good. This person is a road sign...not my destination. Be thankful for the growth opportunity. acceptant is the shortest route from a to b.

[@lovebug9814]

Valentina Nocross 💗💗

[@taquilatricepss]

FA just blocked me as an anxious its the most terrifying hellish feeling i can get i didn't even get to meet her and get my closure

[@herewego7336]

Any update

[@yiinyang1004]

i really enjoyed this video. i haven’t been able to last longer than a week for no contact, but for me that’s a long time compared to how i was a year ago. im hopefully that we’ll be able to work this out together, if not, then that’s ok too. i want to continue working on my own healing.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update?

[@nmania3]

At one point I was doing everytthree days. days. It was tragic lol

[@winkmurder]

Holy crap, I feel so understood.

[@CorporateQueen]

My ex avoidant is already on a new relationship just a month after we broke up. He must have been planning it. I'm moving on now and keeping him forever in no contact. I'd never take him back. Horrible experience

[@CL-qj6ps]

Maybe he's also narcissistic and wanted new supply... Then again he might just be a real jerk. Whatever the case may be, I really wish you fully heal from this.

[@CorporateQueen]

@@CL-qj6ps yes I'm not sure really. Anger issues when there were any issues, some gaslighting. Either way, he won't deal with himself as he has no self love and I deserve so much better. These people are chaotic, wounded and messy. He begged me not to leave his life when we broke up, for me to stay friends with him, though he was the dumper.. I said no, thank god. I am healing, thank you. Working on myself, got fitter, taken up new sports, won my dream job, lost weight. Once I removed his toxic presence from my life, everything turned around for me. That says everything.

[@rohitisalwayspositiv]

@@CorporateQueen yes you are right I am in a relationship with a fearful avoidant and I can relate... What happened to you is really good, I have been there and I know.. Wish you all the best

[@CorporateQueen]

@@rohitisalwayspositiv thank you. 🙏 Don't let your person steal you from yourself. That's what they do. Love everything you are and then hate you for it. Love yourself first.

[@CorporateQueen]

@V thank you. 🙏

[@xScarlingx]

How about how quarantine would impact different attachment styles? Break ups, no contact& in a relationship

[@mrmohamed9708]

yeah i've been thinking about this too . like how would exes react to no contact since they have nothing but time

[@thuytrangngophan8375]

eh, im an AA, dated a FA. After the quarantine we broke up due to lack of communication. I longed for his love and affection, feel lonely most of the quarantine but have no confidence in telling him that, because i fear my clingy acts will annoy him. He wants me too but never said anything to me, feel abandoned. After the quarantine, we meet, i was so happy and ready to make it up for the distant time, while he refused to communicate. Things are awkward, then he leave.

[@kirasakai4810]

Can you please do a part two for this video because the title of the video wasn’t really answered in depth

[@jensen5668]

Thank you ma'am!!

[@TafadzwaZifamba94]

She is so beautiful!!

[@missjk00]

I'm 13 days without seeing him. I did reach out last week, which was probably a mistake. He said he wanted to see me, then changed his mind the next day. He told me that he ended things because i deserve better. This has been really challenging to me to really ground down. I'm actually playing in the idea that the best nuggets in this relationship is me finding myself more deeply when we aren't speaking.

[@ellerfitz]

Did you get back together?

[@G.I.x98x]

Updatec

[@footinstirrup4948]

You explain all this so brilliantly....I just wish I could get my FA and I to take your course....She just isn't at that place now. How do you suggest to the FA to find out these things about their attachment type on your site?

[@garytravers117]

@Thais can you please do what the FA & DA goes through as the dumpee and the dumper is no contact.

[@Karll541]

She was actually angry that I was hurt by her behavior lol. She was angry that I made her think or even considered that her unrealistic expectations were wrong. Unbelievable

[@lindahollingsworth2567]

Thank you for validating Anxious Attachment pain during a breakup. I am on the other side and now my FA has reached out again exactly at the 3 week mark of no contact.. He still can't express himself well and I find communicating with him is still very difficult. I am trying not to repeat the same responses so we don't land in the same dynamic which is on and off, push and pull and lots of mistrust. Nothing major like cheating. Our issues involve trust and vulnerability more so with him. Even a wrong move in communication can send him shutting down for days or a week. It's all so exhausting. I continue to work on myself and have accepted it may not work and I am OK with that now. Thank you for your enlightening videos. You have helped me understand myself and others so much more.

[@gracechan3039]

This sounds like me and my ex FA, during our first relationship. If I could go back and do it again I would go much slower. I didn’t get that the volatility was connected to his fear of intimacy. Every time we’d take a leap in intimacy, even if it felt good at the time, he’d go distant or start an argument.

[@lindahollingsworth2567]

@@gracechan3039 I am so sorry you are going through that. It was very hard on me for 2 weeks because I really felt the loss and grieved as we all do and felt very hurt and depressed. When he reached out I was less hurt and more analytical you could say. He misread a message I responded to and now has unfriended and blocked on FB. I wrote him a very direct letter and told him how I feel and why our communication gets so confused. I also told him if he let's us go that I am OK accepting it. You have to have boundaries but also be vulnerable and very clear and tell them how you feel without pressuring them. I don't know if he will contact me or not, more than likely in a week or two since it just happened a week ago. Honestly though, I'm not sure I want to keep going through this waiting for 2-3 weeks for him to come back around. FA's are very difficult people. They don't usually understand why they do what they do. Men in particular do not dig as deep as women. One of the things I have noticed is my feelings are changing. If a relationship is not nurtured it tends to start dying. I don't even know in 2 weeks time if I will even feel the same. He seems to communicates more in anger or hurt when he is shutting down on me. That's when his feelings come out. He's a great guy and I know he is lonely. but they often would rather live lonely that risking hurt or abandonment. He is also the type of FA who lives alone and isolates. All of his hobbies and interests are solo and I am the opposite. Social and outgoing. When he is present he can be the best friend and very supportive. When he starts pulling away he is like a different person. Women need to be nurtured and feel love. I'm afraid this dynamic is going to really hurt my feelings for him and then it will be too late. Just know you are lovable and worthy of the best. Push and pull is a very unhealthy dynamic.

[@lindahollingsworth2567]

@@gracechan3039 oh yes. Starting an argument I know it well. He did that when we met in Savannah for long weekend the second night. He is hyper vigilant and sabotages by thinking and accusing me of things I don't feel or think. I told him he was wrong and why and went to sleep. The next morning was better. But yeah, they do like arguments to prevent intimacy.. They nit pick too. Instead of focusing on all the good they will focus on smaller things too most would not even think about. Their self esteem is very low and it's sad but if you don't set boundaries in a kind way they can deplete you quickly. It's hard to understand their low self esteem. Mine is very good looking and very intelligent. He can't see in himself what I see. He thinks he's unattractive and wow, he is really magnetic. Also he is jealous although he hides it well. I have picked it up in passing comments. He also doesn't share much about himself but listens intently and seems to weigh every word I say. Make sure he wants to work on the relationship. If you don't this dynamic could go on for years until you have had enough. xo

[@nmania3]

@@lindahollingsworth2567 sounds familar

[@vinezcentral]

Went no contact with my ex. Messaged her after 40 days ...got ignored lol

[@geethak8976]

Not really sure if I got dumped or did the dumping. Ex is FA. He started conversation and said that he could not forsee marrying me and that we were very different personalities, and that he could not meet my expectations. So i said, well as a a practical step please send my things from your place over to mine. I then told him how he made me feel unloved, and said i cld not do this anymore. After which- he blocked me on whatsapp 2 days after NC fr me. That did hurt. We were friends for a few years before being in a relationship. I have a mixture of Secure Attachment with secondary AA.

[@virginiat7092]

I have a question. In my case he expressed his fear which originates from a complicated geographical situation LDR and he said that intuitively he is afraid it's not going to work out and then I will leave him. Before going no contact he also said that while thinking about it he is just surviving. And then without breaking up, we went no contact. According to the video, it's ok that I am not communicating with him, and the truth is I really don't want to communicate first because if he is going to figure it out, I shouldn't influence him and also I want my man to know undoubtedly be wants to be with me. But when he finally calls and asks why I didn't contact him what should I say?

[@tinybrit3225]

As much as I watch these videos, learn and try to understand. I feel hopeless that I will never be able to change my AA style. I don’t know how to self-soothe and I don’t really have a desire to self-soothe. I want to get my needs met through others and I don’t want to be abandoned. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life single and living alone for 6 years (I’m 30). I’m honestly quite over it, I’ve proved to myself that I can live on my own, take care of myself, have a career etc. I haven’t been able to prove to myself that I am good enough, lovable or worthy of love because I haven’t been able to obtain a long term relationship. I feel that once I am able to achieve lasting love with someone who is committed and loyal is when I will finally become secure in my relationship.

[@twovthree]

Are you spiritual? You can make God your primary attachment figure, so that even in a relationship you are centered through it all. I believe 'security' is more than just psychology; there's a spiritual side to it as well.

[@tinybrit3225]

twovthree I used to be but not as much anymore. I’ve lost my faith over the years. If I’m being honest I never felt that deeply connected to God or a higher power. It’s always felt more transactional or like I had to act a certain way. I never felt that feeling like God is enough for me. I think if I had felt like he was enough I wouldn’t have lost faith over the years.

[@twovthree]

@@tinybrit3225 Remember this, it's not the length of the relationship that determines your 'love worthiness', but the fact that you have been loved and will be loved again. A part of self-soothing is to remind yourself of this, of your Independence, of your being a catch. You can't control how another human being shows up in a relationship, but you can show up for yourself in ways no one else can.

[@gracechan3039]

I’m AA and only recently realised the difference between time spent alone and “me time”. You gotta reparent your inner child and tell that kid, “Im not going to abandon you anymore and put other people and things ahead of your well-being.” To be secure you have to believe that your worthy of the most unquestionable love, believe that you are loved by others and love yourself. You don’t have to be in a relationship to do that. And you save your future partner the heartache of learning those lessons through him or her.

[@giorgiogirardi4661]

@@gracechan3039 This is so good. Do you know any advice like that for FAs? Thank very much.

[@defaultHandle1110]

power point slides would be great, and you can re use them in your videos.

[@magnetoxavier6504]

This is really helpful.

[@zigazagaaddiction]

The answer to the title topic was mentioned for like 1 min..out of 14... :( I was hopeful

[@izzynobre]

Yeah, no kidding. At the 10 minute mark is when she's finally addressing the actual issue.

[@sammonsterenergy1982]

What about an ex you dated for just over a month who’s an FA and how to go about getting her back?

[@javiercarrera6092]

Wonderful video. I’m exactly in that situation and you’ve helped me be clear on the work I have to do. Just a little something: sometimes you talk too fast and it’s difficult to understand you. Please slow down.

[@beth9015]

My FA ex broke up with me 10 weeks ago and I’m not over it. We had known each other for 6 months and were together for 3 months. I’m so sad and still hoping he will come back. The breakup was so sudden and unexpected. A colleague, him and me were chatting and I made a joke with no bad intention to my FA. He took it really bad. He completely lashed out and Insulted me. I reached out to him 4 times the first month and he would just ignored me. No answer. The last time, I asked him if we could talk and his replied was “you got sth to say?”. I said yes and that I would like to say it in person. No reply. He has been ignoring me the few times that we have been in the same place. Sometimes, I encounter him because of work. The companies we work for collaborate and are located next to each other. He looks like he’s angry and refuses as much as possible to make eye contact with me. As an AP I’m doing no contact after the first month, not because I want to. But because I feel like there is no choice. I can’t force him to talk. He just rejects me. I am trying to calm down my anxiety and find a psychologist, but so far I haven’t found a way to let go. I don’t get it. We were doing so well. He was telling me that we had a great connection and that it doesn’t happen often to him. Everyone that know us was telling me how happy he looked since we got together. He genuinely looked happy, so if there was an issue he didn’t communicate it. I really miss him and wonder if he is over me or if he will ever come back to try and amend things.

[@greengoconstructionllc9990]

There's so much talk about fearful avoidants leaving during big relationship moments, but theres nothing that talks about the after effects or their thoughts when they do leave at these moments. I dated a fearful avoidant and he split when I got pregnant. Haven't heard from him since and that was almost 3 years ago. He never said he needed time, never broke up w me, never even discussed his feeling about the pregnancy, he just said it was too much too soon and he stopped all communication after pulling away hard for a month probably hoping I'd break up w him so he didn't have to be the bad guy.

[@FantasticBaby1224]

Are u sure he was fearful avoidant? He might be dismissive avoidant, they tend to be gone for ages after they break up with someone and are the least likely to come back.

[@alexaaa87]

@Personal Development School - Thais Gibson What course is the one to reprogram these subconconcious themes that come up for an anxious attachment to prevent it for the future please?

[@cocoapuff_motivation2544]

This is awesome! BUT could you do a video on an Anxious-Preoccupied maintains distance and keeps the Ex on No-Contact permanently when the Fearful -Avoidant Ex comes back???...starting this loop going no where again 😅😁

[@FM-zg5hz]

Block them!! Take your power back. In the end it’s their loss and you’re going to move on. You can’t fix anyone.

[@davidmax7010]

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[@jamiesouza]

You didn't really talk about the fearful avoidant and how they feel. You basically said 3-4 weeks they will start thinking and that's about it...The rest of the video was about the Anxious person.

[@davidmax7010]

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[@Tiggim0n]

How does NC work for an FA that blocked you because of NC?

[@grasshopper12010]

My fearful avoidant ex broke up with me and then reached out two days after the break up asking how life was 🙃

[@droflivelife]

I'm AA and truly can't deal with my FA ex leaving me. The pain is unbearable and no contact is near impossible.

[@modest91]

How are you doing now? I'm currently in this situation😢

[@droflivelife]

@modest91 it's a long story. I lasted 2 weeks no contact. Then I went in as a friend and got stuck in the friend zone for a couple of months and she took me back. I was then too afraid to speak up knowing she could leave any minute. But it was going well, she was taking marriage ,kids, rings, she moved in with me and two weeks later just left. I then decided I'll do no contact properly. 5 months I didn't hear from her. I ran into her yesterday and she was friendly. But I think I have to do the smart thing and move on. I still love her but she will never change. I it's so sad. My heart breaks for what could of been.

[@modest91]

@@droflivelife thanks for responding, I think you had to take the steps to see whether you could make the relationship work, otherwise it would have bothered your conscience. As much as NC is the ideal, its not the reality for a lot of us. Use this time to work on yourself journalling/therapy and have some hobbies and self care methods to improve your wellbeing and self esteem. Believe me there is someone out there destined for you, that will appreciate/love all of you and will not leave no matter how tough things get. You tried your best and maybe this person is just a chapter in your story, and wasn't for you, and that's okay. Sometimes in life we meet people to learn lessons. It's cliche but time is a healer, hold your head high you've got this.

[@NouLachenZeg]

Would enlightening the FA with the attachment style theory be a good or bad idea? (So after the breakup) She has always wondered why she kept breaking up with me (has never heard of attachment styles) and I feel it could mean the difference between her giving it another shot or not, as this time we’d have found the root cause. (I would be breaking 50 days of no contact to explain this to her in a letter.) I just feel this might be our only true hope.

[@MsBhappy]

What ended up happening?

[@devtoslick]

It doesn't help sadly

[@herewego7336]

Any update?

[@KP-zt2nw]

I've just broken up with a fearful avoidant. His choice not mine so this is the perfect scenario for me. I've gone no contact & he's in a rebound relationship he had lined up before he broke up with me with someone he described as an ex colleague & friend who admitted she liked him. My question is will the 3/4 week timeline mentioned about the curiosity still work even if he's distracted by this rebound?

[@TheFishinDad]

Dealing with this as well. She is throwing herself fully into distractions and even admitted to doing "everything to avoid." I don't know that someone who doesn't want to look inward ever will

[@celvinmiller7316]

We understand everyone needs to be paid, but we do not pay fees up front

[@SamsungGalaxy-dc5mq]

Many fearful avoidants have bpd. So what if you dumped the avoidant because they had supply on the side? In most breakups, one of the 2 people has someone else as supply. Why isn't this factered in?

[@aaronparks9548]

They say avoidant partners don't usually reach out first after no contact. Ive been working on myself for almost 2 1/2 months now and i know i still have work to do but eventually should i reach out first or no?

[@davidmax7010]

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[@niveks2384]

Hey what did you end up doing?

[@13thbornpr]

I took the quiz and i'm secure apparently. But i think my relationship with my avoidant ex and her breaking up with me made me AP. I'm super anxious all the time. I cant eat, cant sleep. I'm in no contact and i get panic attacks from not knowing what she's doing or thinking and hurting so much. This video helped me a lot in 2 parts. Thanks.

[@sabrinacz]

10:01 they start to wonder where you are at 3-4 weeks

[@izzynobre]

Am I confused or 8 minutes in she's still didn't address the question in the title...?

[@davidmax7010]

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[@magnetoxavier6504]

she wanted to focus on the importance of no contact rule as more of working on yourself tool than hyper focusing on the other person.

[@blklagoon76]

yeah, wondering the same thing...?

[@jameskemp2166]

@@magnetoxavier6504 Then maybe change the title to reflect that

[@happythoughts505]

How do u reprogram this??

[@akshayahakshaya9872]

I'm anxious type going through a breakup. My avoidant partner had broken up with me and after few months I'll go and talk he will come around, this happened many times earlier but this time he blocked me from every social media. But I have question..whether my avoidant partner will unblock me and come back? Should i wait for him?

[@davidmax7010]

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[@Juju-tw7we]

any update?

[@KellyC90]

This is exactly my situation. I’m FA and my ex fiancé is anxious preoccupied. I did the dumping and he has asked for NC. I’ve taken my time to reflect on it all and have asked to get back together and do the work but he has asked for more time to work himself out first.

[@tellygum3782]

how long did it take you and what stages did you go through?

[@ellerfitz]

What happened? Did you get back together+

[@alistening78]

I'm the anxious one and my avoidant ex broke up with me, and I don't know how to move on. She might doing so well right now, and I want to be free from this state.

[@user-pj7vy7kz9n]

I am considering trying to put the money together to take advantage of the opportunities you have to offer. I really like your work and I believe you have discovered exactly what you were called to do as you are clearly very gifted. I am a single father and have taken advantage of a lot of free recovery groups and things the VA has to offer, but would like some more intensive work that directly addresses the root. I am stretched pretty thin, but have extensive trauma and a third marraige that is in the final stage of a third divorce so I am willing to prioritize this financially if you can help me understand the opportunity that may be best for me. Thank you for your work here it has been really helpful.

[@Everydayfunnibloopers]

If you want the relationship back do you finally reach out to them after 3 -4 weeks if they don’t reach out at all?

[@gamboamia]

Nailed it!

[@ninjamonkey508]

Okay I think I got it all together how I would want to move forward with things but I just need her to reach out if she wants to. She a FA and I am a mostly healed AA. There is work that can be done as long as she wants to come back and work on it

[@Marauder-kd8zi]

Will this still work if I reached out after breakup and I begged to much and she said move on

[@iiAngelic]

Is there a video on this with da version?

[@Jason8060]

Anyone that wants the FA part of this vid skip to 10 mins. Everything else has nothing to do with the vid title…

[@soulburning2000]

Im anxious 5 months she f.a. won't respond....it hurts so much.

[@alexisjadesvlogs]

Would you recommend reaching out to your ex who is FA? She broke up with me due to The overwhelming stress of covid (3 weeks ago) and uncertainty, which in turn caused her to feel overwhelmed in the relationship. But just a week prior she was extremely affectionate. I fear she won't reach out due to fear of rejection, however I also feel I should wait for her to reach out to me since she ended things. she even blocked me on text immediately following the breakup. However it wasn't because I did or said anything. I went straight into no contact, but I believe she blocked me to avoid the hurt and guilt of breaking up with me because she did still love me when she ended things. I'm just conflicted/confused on wether I should reach out or let her be the one to do it. iVe heard conflicting advise, especially regarding FA ( I feel that the attachment style is important to remember in terms of no contact) I'd appreciate any tips!

[@rajeevramakrishnan3115]

Way Haught the same happened with me everything was fine before quarantine but suddenly she decided we needed a break and she wanted space she also said that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone because there is no hope for her she wants us to say best friends because that's one thing she says she'll stay committed to and if she gets too involved with me she'll fall out of love with me .

[@twovthree]

@@rajeevramakrishnan3115 It's like they're all reading from the same script? Did you accept the friendship?

[@alexandrevieira3190]

@@twovthree indeed, it is the same story here, what happened?

[@lyricaldestruction603]

same story here, shes causing me to consider suicide cause my life revolved around her, wonder how she will feel when im gone

[@ina7084]

@@lyricaldestruction603 It's nobody's fault but your own that you threw your whole life away because of an obsession with a person..

[@lilliankillian7366]

Is it posible to get him back .after he broke it up L we made 6months ty

[@davidmax7010]

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[@despoinapapadopoulou2282]

Title not related to content. Video starts at 03:00 and the answer to the title starts as late as at 10:00.

[@christineolson7372]

I would really like to understand what does the FA feels or go through when you are the one who broke up with them. Even though I ended it I still hope we are able to work things out and I have gone no contact. I want to understand what might be happening from his perspective. I feel like he needs to miss me and US, & needs to feel the loss to realize what he had.

[@jmcallister5314]

As an FA myself, If I still loved you and you dumped me, I'd be waiting, hoping you'd reach out to me.

[@christineolson7372]

JM M when I ended it, after I said what I needed to, he said that he didn’t love me😟, But 5 min later insisted he cared deeply for me and thinks about me all the time. So confusing

[@jmcallister5314]

When someone hurts me I try to bury my feelings for them and convince myself that they weren’t ‘good’ anyway. After some time I begin to idealise them again.

[@gabbymontoya2085]

Going thru same thing..felt completely neglected..unlike past relationships..

[@solidcatink]

@@gabbymontoya2085 me too

[@ienjoyretardsex]

Sooo you said it depends where you’re at in the relationship.. I feel like lesbian relationships move significantly faster.. does that mean the no contact is shorter? Lol I just have an apology written but I don’t want to bother her :(

[@KyKash101]

How did it go? Did you give it to her? In a similar boat...

[@ienjoyretardsex]

@@KyKash101 I did give it to her. It took some time but we decided to work on things. Lasted a few months and then she projected on me told me we’re two completely different people and now we don’t talk 😭

[@KyKash101]

@@ienjoyretardsex aww I’m sorry! Thanks for the update!

[@sammonsterenergy1982]

Great video as I’m starting to learnt my ex is fearful avoidant...my ex broke up with me got back in touch 34days later...started chatting then I got a bit emotional & she backed off prob because there wasn’t that connection. 45days later I got in touch she replied. Why after so long are they responding & yet trying to put me in friend zone? What is the best way to retract a fearful avoidant?

[@darthvaydr]

Update? I’m going through the same thing. I’m 21 days out no contact and I haven’t heard from her yet. I seriously wonder if I will.

[@CristinaaaMx]

Talk about DA please

[@fortificationenjoyer1919]

She's is trying to substitute me Whit some online friends, even if she told me she didn't had friends. But I'm better than any tool she is using

[@starsof1889]

when you say 3 weeks, do you mean from the moment of the break up or from the time that No Contact is implemented successfully?

[@kgmfencing9835]

Please answer this thais xx

[@jazzel88]

3-4 weeks from the time No contact starts. Don't take those numbers for granted as they depend on too many variables

[@starsof1889]

I am dealing with an FA ex and honestly it has been 3 months with contact being largely related to unfinished business. Yesterday he contacted me after 28 days zero contact but he said he was doing great, so I feel as though he's not missing me or what we had and in this time frame, if he hasn't, he probably won't ever.

[@kgmfencing9835]

@@starsof1889 why did he reach out if he wasn't missing you!? 😉

[@kgmfencing9835]

@@starsof1889 my ex went 3 months ignoring me in 2018 and all of a sudden came back. This time she left in December and we were in contact until 4 weeks ago. I'm staying no contact now. Its her loss. I am just confused by her actions.

[@sabrinacz]

Set up your boundaries and your intentions. The intention should be very clear, it should be FOR YOU. To focus on yourself. Do things you like. The other person needs to be ready to do the work. It needs to be about me growing.

[@sadakojh]

What if the DA isn’t ready to do the work, I’m prepared to wait for them and take things slow but will it be worth it in the end?

[@davidmax7010]

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[@sadakojh]

Update they ran and I am much happier not dealing with that Anxiety

[@rebeccav7420]

@@sadakojh My response was going to be along those lines. I had an FA sabotage and now I'm feeling relieved not to deal with the push-pull. I hope he's doing work on his own now but I can't wait around for it. Somewhere else I read to think of it like you're a train that doesn't wait at a station... if the other person gets off and finds a way to make time and schlep to meet you at a station down the line, they're showing they can do the work. Cheers

[@jesseroussellmusic]

3:03 mins

[@itisallmiii]

You’re so beautiful! (Besides being soooo smart and nice of course.)

[@sabrinacz]

Content starts at 3:00

[@busyazn]

3:00 start

[@susankomczyk3065]

Can the Anxious Attached person reach out after 3 or 4 weeks or should they wait for the Fearful Avoidant to break no contact?

[@doodoobrownies]

I think it would ideal for the AA to go No Contact indefinitely. It sounds scary.. I know. The FA should be reaching out to you. They're the ones that need to show up. FAs seem to take longer to go through the post-breakup feelings (especially if they're seeing someone else). Reaching out to them early could push them away further. The key for an AAs to be patient. Focus on yourself. Learn more about your attachment style. Do things that increase your own self-worth and confidence. Become an even better person! No Contact works for both the FA and AA as it allows them to calm down and see things more clearly. You've may have been on this emotional roller coaster for a while. It's quite possible that you realize that you don't want to get back on if given the opportunity. If they come back, let it be a pleasant surprise instead of an expectation.

[@Th3Fab3]

I would wait.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Andrew Shaffer Be patient!? Hell no. Someone who dumps you needs to be dumped right back. If they don’t see your worth then move on. Waiting around for FA just to be treated like that again is a recipe for disaster. They’re toxic and will never be able to break their cycle unless they WANT to get help and change. Life is too short to be waiting for anyone.

[@doodoobrownies]

@@FM-zg5hz I agree you. I see indefinite No Contact as a nicer way of saying eff that situation and moving on to greener pastures. :) If they came back, they'd have to demonstrate some real change and that's unlikely to happen unless they hit rock bottom. Even then, I don't see the risk being worth the reward when there's much better people out there.

[@dominiccampana7385]

@@doodoobrownies wow thanks

[@olsonbrandon91]

What if my fearful avoidant ex is in a rebound though? :(

[@doodoobrownies]

What's the likelyhood the rebound will work? Well, I'd say It's improbable but not impossible. The FA may need this to realize what they're missing out on. Let them be. No Contact is the way to go. The entire time you're working on yourself. You're becoming a better overall person. You'll bring more to the table. Meanwhile, the FA probably hasn't done anything to work on themselves. Yeah, I know it sucks. But what else can you really do that won't push them away? You can't make them miss you. You only have control over yourself and your happiness.

[@dominiccampana7385]

@@doodoobrownies thanks so much man! I doubt my ex’s rebound will work as she’s still very emotionally attached to me (Ik this because I know her very well) I’m in 2 months no contact so far and starting to slowly feel better

[@dominiccampana7385]

@@doodoobrownies do FA ex’s tend to come back to their original ex after the rebound ?

[@lyndoncahoy6795]

Dod she comr back?

[@kgmfencing9835]

Split up in December 2019. We spoke til beginning of March - she's ignored me since. She's the dumper plus she's FA. She literally won't reply even during covid19. She said she would always love me but felt we didn't work. How can she just go cold and ignore me like I don't exist.

[@kristianb8250]

KGM Fencing its normal for her to act like that even though it seems crazy

[@kgmfencing9835]

@@kristianb8250 it's so sad. And upsetting.

[@JinKee]

sometimes the fearful avoidant feels guilty for making you hurt, but the FA or DA believes that emotions are ones own responsibility to soothe (kinda the definition of avoidant) and so your pain is seen as weakness. one way to convert guilt into a less painful emotion is to turn guilt into anger and disgust, so that's a defense mechanism.

[@kgmfencing9835]

@@JinKee thanks. It is very confusing. We were engaged and so happy but every 6 to 8 weeks she goes cold and disengages.. this time she has disappeared.

[@FM-zg5hz]

Any update ?

[@Th3Fab3]

I'm in my 3rd cycle of no contact (Anxious) I'm exhausted!

[@davidmax7010]

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[@darthvaydr]

Did your FA reach out to you first? If so, how long between each no contact did they wait to contact you?

[@Th3Fab3]

@@darthvaydr hes always reached out to me first. First cycle: after 18 mos second cycle: after 11 mos third cycle: after 6 mos I think we're done for good now, because during this short lived 3rd cycle, after 1 month no contact, I call, he doesn't answer, but sends me a text next morning saying he's met the person he's planning on marrying!! W..th..F I just sent a neutral text, didn't beg or chase and unfriended him. I don't even know if it's true and I'm doubting the high chance of him actually getting married. How could he be so sure, taking in account his fears, attachment, in such a short amount of time? Oh well...I feel better that the matter is now closed. I still wonder if we'll ever talk, will he reach out?

[@darthvaydr]

@@Th3Fab3 gee wiz I’m sorry that he’s strung it out like this and yanking on your heartstrings. It’s not fair to you. Yeah, if he has issues like that he’s not committing to anyone until he gets his issues fixed and it’s going to take ALOT of work. Sounds to me like he’s just trying to get a reaction out of you but I could be wrong. Don’t waste you time on him - it sounds like he’s not worth it! I suggest that you care of yourself and block him for good so you can move on. You deserve better than that! My ex of three months broke up with me on Valentine’s Day. I know three months isn’t very long but it was a very intense three months. We got close real fast, we shared a lot and we spent a lot of time together etc. I truly thought that I found my soulmate but I think that ultimately at the end, her fears started taking in full force and she sabotaged it. It’s so crazy because she always told me what a great man I am, how rare I am, that I’m so thoughtful, how she loved me so much, appreciated me and that I was God’s gift to her. She told me that she was battling some very intense fears each day. She was overly sensitive so I had to walk on eggshells and watch what I said around her. Anytime she got her feelings hurt, even when it was not caused by me or if it was a mutual miscommunication, she held those times of her feelings getting hurt against me and continue to play strikes against the relationship. She started faultfinding me etc. etc. she also had double standards and wanted me to live to a certain standard that she herself would not live to. Unbelievable. But I miss her so much and I really do love her. But I refused to break contact with her because she broke up with me over some bull crap that normal couples would work past.

[@Th3Fab3]

@@darthvaydr hugs going out to you!! Yes...several people have told me that he's not marrying anyone anytime soon and whatever is going on now, won't work out in the long run. A friend of mine suggested that he'd have to reach out directly at least 3x and I should only respond on the 4th attempt if he says anything significant. So I'm sticking to that...it hurt and maybe shouldn't have been a shock, but as time passes on (it's only been 1 week) I'm realizing that there's a very low chance of him getting married again, as this would be his third...a lot of time has passed since his second marriage but boy! The first cycle I was overwhelmed with his fears. I didn't understand it then. The second cycle it was apparent it was still there, but he seemed a little more relaxed then this very last one...I didn't hear much of it and thought I was finally getting through to him. He doesn't know I'm aware of this attachment style and that there is a definition...I suggest not sharing you know with her if she ever reaches out. I'm not ever, ever reaching out to him. I am done here. But since this is a male to female connection in your case, things may be on your side as I'm learning women will have more of a tendency to reach out again, but you don't have to take it serious unless SHE brings up getting back together and she defines what that reconciliation looks like. It's only been a few weeks, so I suggest you stay strong and don't reach out. Check out the audio book, Break Up Triage, by Susan Winter (another excellent relationship Coach) and it might help you. As far as those high standards, I've heard from another coach that those that have these unrealistic high standards, standards of perfection, usually are Fearful Avoidants. The FA I dealt with had them. also during the first cycle, our connection also lasted about 4 months, so I understand your 3 month strong connection.... Read up on the cycle or stages of a breakup. It will help you recognize what stage you're in and help you move on, no matter what's going on with your FA. I will say the FA I dealt with reached out directly once I started moving on. They feel it! During those cycles, we were still connected on Social Media. Now we're not, because I cut that off. Right now I'm in the Bargaining stage, so I've moved through the break up process pretty quickly. I'm glad. I hope you find the strength to do so as well. get the audio book, Break Up Triage by Susan Winter and don't reach out!!!!

[@pugs861]

This can be reprogrammed

[@husseinfaiz3397]

How

[@BernardyHo]

3:00

[@prakharsarkar2028]

I'm ap he and she is the fa.😢

[@phil1353]

WAY TO MANY ADS