Do Fearful Avoidants Regret Leaving Relationships? | Fearful Avoidant Attachment

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In this video, I talk about whether or not fearful avoidants regret leaving relationships.
Have you regretted leaving a relationship? if so, what were your fears or reasons for changing your mind and how did you cope with it?
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
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[@HaloHuntress]

Thank you for saying that it's not about me not being good enough or unworthy, it's about him being triggered and not doing work to heal. I should be able to voice a concern without my partner blocking me in response.

[@jessd956]

absolutely! We are human and we have feelings. There should be a certain level of care and compassion that we show each other even if we are upset.

[@jud2152]

Exactly! They use the block button as a solution for everything. I loved him but now my life is happier and with no drama without him! I hope he can heal someday.

[@krisgi00710]

You know you are healing from a breakup with a FA when you start to feel lazy about watching more videos on the subject. I left him after 9 years because I was tired of doing all the understanding. Now these videos are like watching docs on prison after you've been released for good behavior.

[@cloudslady3400]

I relate to the analogy of watching the old situation as your past years in prison….watching those videos remind you of how complicated that relationship was..you would recognise more your current freedom and actually appreciate it !

[@GeoffreyLeist]

"Whether somebody misses somebody and whether somebody wants to rekindle and both parties are willing to show up and put in the work to facilitate changes together are two very different things" ^This is really important!^

[@HH-pj5bl]

It's so important to self reflect , really ask ourselves for the truth ,once we able to be really raw and honest with ourselves, 90% of the time it's our own story telling...When we realise that then we wont end up pushing someone away that really cared and wanted to love us. Before you react stop and reflect.

[@alainpatry]

Soooooooo well said! 🙏

[@yamieden4350]

Thais is amazing, she really is. I've been so upset with an FA, and have let go. Thanks to Thais, I've become more secure day by day, letting me feel myself and not pour into anyone who is unhealthy or not healed, but it has given me a sense of empathy regarding all insecure attachments. My heart goes out to them, it must be hard dealing with those things.

[@ronaldharrison3005]

It was insightful to learn about how an FA feels anxious and the avoidant side in an extremely strong way. I'd thought my old FA had love bombed me, but I was incorrect. He was just experiencing his anxious side in a big way. Then the avoidant side heavily.

[@musicandart9711]

How long was the love bombing happen for you? Mine was super affectionate, buying me gifts, plan dates, plan trips, for 10 months, then just up and left. Said there’s something missing romantically and the feeling doesn’t change. I was so confused, after almost a year? What?

[@JollyCelery]

This is why I can't give my energy to these types of people. All this crap from wherever, childhood etc, is in them and it's theirs alone. However, they view everyone around them as the source and the problem in all relationships. I don't need to be blamed for making someone feel unloved when I'm doing everything in my power to love them, but those feeling are coming from inside THEM and being blamed on me. If you truly love someone, you won't put yourself in a position to lose them. Feeling relief at leaving me? Hey, good for you. Have fun with your blame-shifting and "I'm so perfect and flawless" attitude.

[@bradleywesterford3587]

sounds like a dismissive avoidant attachment style.

[@paynehollis]

Agreed. I think there is IMMENSE value in understanding attachment. But you can only do so much. Lead a horse to water etc. Love them? Yes! Lead them to resources? Of course. Make yourself available to work through these core wounds? Absolutely. But if your peraon won’t do the work- there is nothing left to say. That’s in them.

[@alexandercoll4863]

my exact experience :(

[@TheUltimateMarioFan]

Takes one to know one.

[@adriennelatimer2491]

Married to one for 27 years, hurtful, no amount of love and support matters

[@csf1129]

Thanks so much for this video. I was really baffled when my ex, who I now really recognise as an FA broke up with me after a fixable disagreement. We rarely ever argue but I guess he felt like he let me know and perhaps feel a lot of shame and guilt. He has been wonderful the last 6 months, he poured himself into the relationship but I am an AP so I guess, I was always wanting more assurance. In the end he just snapped. It’s been a bit over two weeks of NC and 5 weeks since we broke up. In the end, he was still kind but said, he felt he was running on empty and had to end our relationship. He didn’t even want a timeout and I was so surprised, how can we go fr being so in love so him shutting down. Mind was going from was he lying all this time, did he ever love me. Listening to your video made me realised it’s a lot to do with him and less to do with me. I still love him wholeheartedly and I’m glad I was kind even towards the very end. I told him I didn’t get it, I felt what we had was worth fighting for, but I’ll give him what he wants. I do hope he comes back but also know that I need to continue working on myself. What’s meant for me will never miss me and what’s not meant for me..will never be, irrespective of what I do. I miss him everyday

[@karishmataurah3941]

I’ve had a similar experience but in my case I was triggered in a situation by events from a past experience. He’s known about my past and was aware and had seen me become triggered before but he came across as understanding and supportive of it. This time he was unable to understand or accept that i was triggered and that it wasn’t a personal attack on him. He broke up with me soon after the incident 7 weeks ago and been we’ve been in no contact for over 3 weeks. I was willing to work through it and take sometime apart, but he didn’t want to be in a relationship and wanted to focus on himself apart from me. It’s very sad as we had a such a wonderful relationship for 18 months, pretty smooth sailing with seldom and minor disagreements. Im a pretty secure person in and out of a relationships but my leaning more into him and becoming more emotionally intimate, I am now able so see he was starting to push me back. Over last few months of our relationship I can now recognise he was communicating and sharing less about how he was feeling. We were planning on moving in together this year and he confirmed this is what he wanted two days before the argument/triggered event. So it leads me to believe he was perhaps unsure and felt like it was too much of a change for him and he would loose his independence.

[@pyroman6001]

Did he come back to you?

[@Erika-ym8vc]

Did he end up coming back? Or have any other developments taken place (yet) since?

[@Erika-ym8vc]

@@karishmataurah3941 Dang - your situation sounds so incredibly similar to mine. I'm at 2 weeks of NC today, and a month since things ended with my FA. I am AP, so I know I also have some things to work on, but he has a LOT of stuff going on in his life in terms of external things (stressors) affecting him internally, and everything just boiled over one day. Has anything changed for you? Any developments?

[@JoJo-st6jk]

​@@Erika-ym8vcHi, how has your relationship developed? My FA ex, over a small incident, she shut down and left six weeks ago. Trying to figure out what to do but she hasn't reached out. Hope you're in a good place, with or without him.

[@gabbysramos]

this exactly describes my ex but I cant wait around for him to heal. ive dated more secure attachment types and it was beautiful. so I dont want to "abandon" those that are avoidant but they dont want to change and aren't open to change. so its good to know this but life is short, id much prefer to date someone secure its truly more beautiful. im sorry ive just been hurt too much by avoidants.

[@bringpeacetoall5505]

I feel like as a FA we have to make sure not to gaslight ourselves. Because I left a narcissistic relationship and being trauma bonded enhances my FA symptoms.

[@aspegel5281]

I have learned that if they don't have empathy, you were dealing with a narcissist. However, empathetic DAs can use narcissistic tactics as defense mechanisms. It's nice to understand the difference, because you cannot ask a narc to change, but a DA is generally more willing to change to feel happier in life. PDS is amazing and lifechanging if you're willing to put in the work. Since us FAs are "researchers," we love this stuff!

[@bringpeacetoall5505]

@@aspegel5281 Thank you for your feedback. As a mental health therapist, I can say that my ex showed enough symptoms to be diagnosed with a personality disorder. He showed some signs of borderline and narcissism. I feel all of the personality disorders can intertwine with each other in some way. The relationship was abusive and the fact that I did not feel safe made me bounce from anxious to avoidant consistently in the relationship due to the mixed messages. It made me feel that I was doing something wrong. I hope that helps with my explanation. Sorry for my FA need to over explain 😅

[@aspegel5281]

@@bringpeacetoall5505 One thing I can say is these trauma bonds can surely reflect where we need to work on ourselves. However, the fact that you were not feeling safe is definitely a wise reason to leave.

[@BruceJC75]

My ex is definitely a FA. The trauma bond with her narcissistic ex husband was the perfect self sabotage.

[@JohnADuerk]

The challenge is recognizing that we have to part ways with this person while also having compassion for them. It's maddening and painful. That said, we get to move on. We can find solace as we recenter ourselves. In contrast, she or he will continue to hurt until they work through their trauma with a mental health professional. Moreover, their relationships will repeatedly fail. That doesn't sound like much of a life. It's tragic. And yes, I speak from experience.

[@Andreabijelonja0905]

I’ve always knew that my relationship and emotional patterns are toxic for me and my partner, but didn’t know precisely what’s wrong with me. The worst thing is the urge of leaving and turning your back on someone because it feels inevitable. It’s very painful and hurt breaking and u can really hurt people by l “love” they are receiving from you. No one deserves to suffer anymore and u don’t have right to look out for support from your partner because u already hurt her/him and plus you are suffering by yourself and experiencing all this guilt.

[@VideoZion]

This is my ex to a T. He just broke up with me one day after losing out on a job raise, choosing to get dental work and just generally feeling bad about himself. He came over after I hadn't seen him for a while to give him space and he gaslighted me for why our relationship wasn't working, that I'm negative, insecure... yet I just had him meet my whole family, traveled to a different state and had the best time. So confusing. It's been 3 weeks of absolute pain since I was dumped and I realize he was 100% the wrong person throughout this last 1 and 1/2 years of a relationship to be in love with - not because he's a FA, but because of so many factors including sex, drugs, morals, values, boundaries that were broken... to top it off, just the way he left me was disgusting and unforgivable. I will move on though, as a secure attachment person.

[@NT-qd2rs]

Sounds like he threw projections on you. He is negative and insecure

[@sf99939]

I’m so sorry, you deserve so much better ❤

[@VideoZion]

@@sf99939 I appreciate that, thank you. We all deserve better. I will not give up, I know my worth. He was not it. It's been 2 months now. Making new friends and putting myself out there and doing new things has truly helped me.

[@mariefricchione437]

No contact! He’s a confused unreliable jerk! Good luck to you😊

[@notsoanonymous686]

As an AP, this helps in understanding this aspect about my former FA partner. While I’m still sad at the circumstances being on the receiving end, I can be empathetic to her situation. …I miss her. But, this helps my healing process. Thank you, Thais. 🙏🏽

[@yamieden4350]

Thais does help. She's really great. I am still in pain

[@lilymulligan8180]

Shout out to the KZbin algorithm for showing me your vids!! New viewer here - I'm still healing from a breakup with an FA from almost a year ago. I often wonder if he misses me, if he's thriving without me... If I really was THAT terrible in his eyes, or if he was blaming me for his anxiety. The part about not communicating needs really hit a nerve for me. At the end of our relationship, he truly regarded me as a massive burden to his life. No acknowledgement of the good things I brought to the table... And an utter refusal on his part to tell me if something bothered him. He expected me to read his mind. That was one of the most painful parts of the breakup... I felt like he didn't even give me a chance to be a better partner to him because of how much he kept to himself.

[@yamieden4350]

@@Polly1589 same mine waited until after a dinner. A week before he said he knew he loved me and wanted to be a better person. Then after a dinner that wasn't terrible but not the best, he literally blocked me the following day and told me I was too clingy and sensitive. I stupidly showed up at his job and he got so angry with me and literally lashed out yelling saying I make his head hurt when I started to cry. He literally was so angry. He told me that tye dinner wasn't good and that if we can't find common ground that's a problem. I have been through a breakup atleast 3 or 4 times before with him. But each one got worse and more hostile. I then called and then again showed up at his house. He yelled at me and told me I was dramatic and it wasn't the end of the world. I stood in his house like a fool. Later that day he told me I was being very nice but he doesn't want me to get hurt. Then I found another girls shirt hidden behind his dresser. I waited to confront him because I was scared to honestly. When I finally did he didn't really care and said we didn't go out, so. During us not going out though he demanded alot and got upset if I missed phones calls. Questioned me and manipulated me alot. A couple weeks before that he literally was like oh I miss you being sexy for me. And that he knew he loved me. A few days after that he told me he didn't want to lead a double life and that's not who he really is. Two weeks later I found the girls shirt. Yesterday after about 3 weeks of this he told me to move on because he wasn't happy. I asked him about the girl and he told me he didn't want to speak to me about that, that he isn't ready. Then I asked again and he said I see people when I feel like it and not see them when I feel like It. Then told me he wants me to be happy after initiating sex with me. Then told me to move on and to see others. Fucking horrible. I'll never look for him or care again. I love him deeply but he is hostile mean controlling and emotionally abusive anger outburst yells and ignores my feelings. When I say things to him he hears something else and often feel pain from almost anything. Leave FAs alone. They need to heal and aren't for the faint of heart. Trust me. I've tried to reconcile atleast 3 times in the last 7 months. I'm exhausted and put down for one wrong sentence or even getting angry. I am human. Then he would blame me and say this is why he can't be with me. 3 weeks ago he told me he didn't love me. This week he says he loves me but his mental health is important but he can't be in a relationship. He said if I can handle sleeping with him while he sleeps with others he'd do it. I even asked so you would care if I slept around, he told me no, because he wanted me to be happy. Withing about 3 weeks all this transpired. If I told you the 7 months your head would spin. Constant eggshells and constant wonders. I prayed for him, and told him I couldn't see him anymore with a long text message. Wished him the best. And tbh and almost sick of him. I realized when I saw him last that I loved him but wasn't happy. And haven't been most times with him. He was so hot and cold and very socially awkward in group settings. Anywhere we went he was almost too quiet, never fun and everything triggered him even more during the 7 months of me trying to reconcile. He was mean even more easily and even hit me. Run and don't look back. Let go of anger, they have no idea how to emotionally regulate and have negative sentiment override. Meaning they view their partners more negatively than positive with the slightest hiccups. Do it too often and they will leave you in heartbreak and blame everything on you. Even their reactions and trigger. Run for the hills girls. Most of them are unhappy in relationships because even during happy moments they feel overwhelmed and chaotic.

[@truelovetlc1758]

Most of the time I don’t really regret the breakup because getting out of the relationship usually gives me the “calm” that I need. Ending the chaos that goes on in my head, while in the relationship is so much more important at the time, than the relationship itself. I have sooo much work to do 😢.

[@a.r.8954]

If the person you ended things with respects the distance and leaves you alone, do you ever feel regretful or remorseful when the memories of that relationship come back post-deactivation? If the relationship was special to you at one point?

[@truelovetlc1758]

@@a.r.8954 If it has gotten that far for me to feel like it’s special and we have created memories, then I/we have probably gotten passed or survived the ups and downs or the chaos that goes on in my mind. The chaos is usually in the beginning of the relationship for me. I’ll pick up on small inconsistencies, overthink stuff. It becomes too much and I’ll run away. I have had many secure attachments that made me feel safe and the worry or chaos didn’t happen for me or it was at a minimum. So those relationships I left, no remorse. They just weren’t for me at the time.

[@a.r.8954]

@@truelovetlc1758 my ex left during a chaos episode early in the relationship and seemed to deactivate completely after feeling really intensely for me. The relationship had secure elements, but was characterized by a very intense spiritual connection. I know what you mean by leaving 'boring' relationships with no remorse, I used to do that in my old days as a more active FA.

[@RitaP41]

@@a.r.8954 YES

[@francoostolaza618]

Until you start a new relationship pretending this time would be different then the fear shows up again... Anything would cause you trigger and that cycle starts over and over. Avoidants need to heal and take accountability. My ex is FA and after 9 years together she end things in a horrible way we had problems like all relationships, except the fact she goes on hands on me the last year due to her insecurity. She suffered pathological jealousy during our time...was a really nightmare for me. She literally said that I was the problem in her life after grow up together since we had 13 years old lol... We are 28 now and my person got rid off me I can't even know what life is without her. 3 months of breakup. I wonder if she would regret sometime cause she was mean and cold to me.

[@joyjemmott6278]

As an Fa, that constantly gets triggered my my family who lives around me, but recently became aware that alot of the times, it's my contribution to the problems... I never make decisions when I'm anxious, paranoid, panicking, crying or being dismissive. Especially when I'm gaslighting myself and guilt tripping me... I put in my mind foremost, ride through the FA, make notes, shut down and choose another day, calm and collected, to process how I feel.

[@Roshan_K]

As an FA person myself, I felt like she was telling my story..... It's exactly how it has been happening to me .... I wish I knew about my personality trait before, losing this beautiful person...... 😔 I am so hurt and ashamed and this huge regret..... I just hope and wish she understands and comes back...

[@alexmunn4420]

Hey, if you pushed her away, you should probably reach out to her. She might think you don’t want to talk/be with her anymore.

[@romanitza24]

@@alexmunn4420 Exactly. Like, I have never heard of an FA, wanting a person, that he/she pushed away, back. Or better said, never happened to me in a romantic relationship until now. If another attachement style, while learning about the FA, wants them back, is one thing, but if you as an FA want them back, I think it may be easier. (Well it also depends on the other persons' attachement and on how you pushed them away). But you could still stand a chance.

[@jenbodhi1133]

You have to go back, you can’t keep expecting everyone else to do all the work and chase after you

[@Jackmcars12]

Avoidants just hurt everyone, most are narcissists, my advice, they shouldn’t date, they just hurt nice people

[@morkmeinyourheart]

yes. the more i regret it, the more i am not coming back. i felt so guilty. i dont know how to comeback. bc im scared that they do not want me anymore, it only gets worse bc the reason i left in the first place is bc i was scared that they dont want me anymore… IT’S LIKE A CYCLE

[@a.r.8954]

If your ex partner showed a willingness to talk or an open mind (let's say through social media) but you left them and know you should reach out first, would you?

[@ImmortalChaos]

Fear is a powerful emotion, as is guilt. Take things slow. Rushing into things too fast will hurt both parties. Focus on the connection not the label or romance. Vet the other person (are they being friendly, in a new relationship, changed too much, where they are in life, open to rekindling, etc). If you are unsure, it does not hurt to ask the other person questions. It may take some time, but I hope you realise that regardless of what happens you will be fine. For what it's worth (AP perspective), while I want to understand her experience and I would most likely be understanding, it would help if my ex/the dumper showed initiative in taking steps to repair what she chose to break, it shows responsibility and maturity. If I saw her putting in effort, I would recognise she is making the effort, so I would meet her halfway. My ex frequently assumed my emotions, she was often wrong I wish she would have asked (I would reassure her I wasn't mad or angry at her).

[@morkmeinyourheart]

@@a.r.8954 only if i miss them

[@HereForAStorm]

I hope you get help, that is sick to behave like that.

[@jasminem.2417]

Thank you for sharing this. It makes it easier to not take this behavior personal.

[@stephaniebedworth2470]

This really hits home for me. My husband left me back in June after 17 years together. I've probably learned more about him in these past almost five months than I did while we lived together. He had needs that were not being met and I was completely clueless as to how bad off he was. If I had known I would have never left him hanging like he was. I'm absolutely heartbroken.

[@arich20]

I'm so sorry. This happened to me in July too (fewer years together, but very similar circumstances) I had NO IDEA how unhappy he was. :( I hope you are doing okay.

[@sohila5033]

How could you have known? Him leaving caused you to grow yourself which would never have happened with him. I've been married to DA now for 10 years and I finally learned this now. When I talk to him about this, he just lashes out and calls me crazy for creating these stories about him. He feels I want to leave him and this is my excuse when it is him this is not working for. You can't teach or show anyone anything unless they want to learn or change themselves

[@joycejones5881]

This happened to me after 18 years. He was triggered by my comments regarding his lack of communication. He ghosted me, I suspect blocked me. I attempted contact for a few weeks, however, I am in no contact because I certainly donot want someone who is capable of delivering such neglect and pain onto our imperfect union that was working for us. I admit all the signs of him being a fearful/dismissive avoidant were there, I saw him dismiss and ghost colleagues, family, and friends. However, I was overly confident in my position in his life. I did not see this coming, and at my age, it was not a practice I was aware of. Anyway, we are senior citizen professionals who have traveled, have been immersed in our prospective families, and supported each other through difficulties, disappointment, and death of family members. We were always in a long-distance relationship, talked and texted as much as 8 times a day, and were highly intimate . I was showered with gifts, he gave me everything. I admit I probably didn't give him the appreciation I could have because of communication lacks. What I wrote in a text clearly was misinterpreted and triggered a core wound. I am a secure attachment style that becomes anxious. I was anxious in the beginning of the break up. However, I am back to secure and know I gave my all, loved him, valued our imperfect union, and know his actions have everything to do with him and not me. I am not angry but highly disappointed, and I miss us.💔

[@a.r.8954]

I'm so sorry :(. Is it possible you're being really hard on yourself? You sound like an empathic and aware person, are you absolutely sure you neglected his needs for your entire marriage? It's just so uncommon for women to truly neglect men's needs in marriage and for the man to leave because of that. Close to 80% of divorces are women initiating because the man has neglected HER needs for years, and men rarely leave marriages voluntarily because marriage is so beneficial to their lives overall. It just makes me curious. I hope no one interprets this as man bashing. There are tons of stats and studies on these dynamics in marriages, and I feel like it's an important variable to consider---as women---when we experience long term breakups. Men are socialized to be takers in relationships and we to be givers (in the aggregate of course, it's not an exact science lol), so I always want to probe a bit deeper when a woman says she neglected her long term partner's needs.

[@jt9031]

@@a.r.8954 yes there are in fact studies that show women are much more likley to work on marriage issues and put in the work while men have a more idealistic view and if they don't think things are going well and aren't head over heels for the woman then they are much less likely to put in the work to change.

[@sonny2744]

I LIKE IT!! I'm a DA and have been working on myself, thank you Thais you have given me hope that I could have a normal relationship that I have always wanted

[@johnnydavies2340]

One, this is great content! Two this is so insightful! I was talking to a lovely FA for about 4 weeks and we had talked attachment styles and everything was going wonderfully! Great vibes and enjoyed our time together and she went hard into her avoidant side and hit me with I think we should be friends! Most centrally this was being driven by being overwhelmed with the emotions of us kindling a new relationship and dealing with issues at home/ other internal struggles! You talked about emotions being being the driving factor, I def wanna give it another shot with her just gonna have to take that space and let her do some internal reflection and see if she can’t come to make that choice in a more level headed space!

[@rosestewart1606]

If I did it, yes....moments after I did it. All of a sudden I realize I should have tried talking first. I was just really triggered. If he did it....nope....I go right into avoidant mode. I suddenly believe that nothing can be fixed and I celebrate my freedom. We are both FA. we are trying to work things out, but I think we did too much damage. I don't feel connected anymore, but that my be my avoidant side. This is all new for me and I don't think he's even aware of attachment styles.

[@aspegel5281]

Wow - I identify so much with both the feelings of anxious side - this is the person, there is nobody else out there for me, I need this to work... then the triggered avoidant side - I never want to see this person again, I don't care, I never want to see them again. YES - it's such an extreme experience that you only want out to protect yourself. So weird to hear that it's the anxious side that is the "loving" side. I was hoping it was the secure side. Great video!! So informative.

[@mindylehrman6471]

Same. I’m currently with an anxious and I’m in avoidant stance. My ex was dismissive avoidant and I was anxious. Very frustrating for both parties involved, not just the partner of the avoidant…

[@compassionatecoachingcorne3797]

Great explanation!

[@grantlaurence2060]

This is so good, so well explained, and (for me at least) so spot on! I now realize, belatedly, that I'm fearful avoidant (disorganized is the same I believe). I'm still not 100% sure what my ex is....initially she came across as 'anxious' (hindsight view), and then when she 'pulled away' and seemed to become secure (maybe she had found someone new, I don't know tbh?) it was me that flipped and became completely anxious, which served to only drive her further away. Confusion has reigned, yet this video and others by Thais is helping me gain clarity and a foundation for personal growth -- this is not a victim statement, however, it has been very difficult to live with myself all these years, LORD knows what it has been like for those trying to live with me!! Thank you very much, Thais!

[@nospace2293]

Does anyone feel tired too dealing with the hot and cold? 🙏 I feel really tired and sad when my FA/DA partner is withdrawing and stonewalling. I ask if she's okay and communicate how I feel. She refuses to open up and often says "it's just the way I am" or "why don't you try to accept me as I am". I often question my own sanity and feel overwhelmed (sad, confuse, worry, guilty, all at once make me want to explode). Is this a sign of narcissist personality? How far should I tolerate a silent treatment and stonewalling after warning her about it?

[@hanmanteomkar]

leave asap. been there and i know how this ends. it was so traumatising that i lost 4 kg weight dealing with all this. it will pain for a few months but in the longer run you would be making the correct choice.

[@culalamola2]

Doesn’t sound healthy. There must be a conversation where you both can feel safe and listen to each other’s needs.

[@SydSeale]

Been there. I used to compare her to a cat, in the way she would sometimes seek out affection but it was always on her terms, and she was never really available when I needed her. She wanted me to accept her as she was. "Can you love a cat?" Ok, maybe, but you're not actually a cat. Anyway, if she's not working on herself, move on with kindness and compassion. The longer you stay in it, the more painful it will be when it's over, as it will be on her terms at a point when you're insanely addicted due to all of the intermittent reinforcement. You'll look back and wonder how she ever made you so crazy.

[@whatwereinto4506]

Ohhh sooo tired of it!! The hot and cold and sudden changes in attitude make you feel crazy ! it is always on their terms. I have heard so many times "you just don't accept me the way I am " I dont even think most of the time they know how they feel or what they really want. I use to ask " what do you want " she could not even handle the question it made her so anxious. Go, you will feel better in the long run.

[@jclyntoledo]

That sounds like emotional abuse 😬😬. Stonewalling is a major sign for emotional abuse and the fact that you try to work it out and they use guilt and shame against you to accept them is another component of emotional abuse. That's not healthy at all and it kinda sounds like a trauma bond.

[@aileenwelch2137]

I really like the way you explain things. No flannel or long hard to understand mumbo-jumbo. I'm hoping to understand the feelings of an FA person. I'm starting to understand. Thank you.

[@covidoff]

The biggest problem with avoidants is how they justify hurting you. They cheat and lie to you by lying to themselves about you, then invalidate you when confronted about it as if they're holding the moral highground somehow because you drove them to do it with your weakness. They view expression of love as a weakness and walk all over you for it. I left my avoidant ex and she was so destroyed by me leaving that she had sex with an ex she said she hated, began drinking alcohol with high frequency and just behaving like an unstable wreck that has no values. I do love her but I also find her disgusting and could never take her back, even/if when that day comes that she does come running back with apologies. She destroyed my belief in myself after everything I did for her without even so much as consideration. I made mistakes in our relationship but none of my mistakes were actually mistakes I'd have made had she been able to accept my love, she made me hate myself and never allowed me to feel that she cared. I now only feel pity for her and those feelings I still hold for her. She died and I'm mourning her.

[@booker5618]

I stumbled on your series, kinda perfect timing. Never knew or thought about any of this, the info you're giving is highly appreciated. My thing now..not sure if I'm dealing with a dismissive or fearful. anyway, thanks.

[@LeeChrissy]

All of this. 🥺 Things can be going great in the relationship and at the 3 to 6 month mark, my nervous system implodes and I have an emotional outburst then run. I want to make something clear though. Anyone who is on here looking for advice on what to do with their FA partner or ex should be doing the attachment style quiz themselves. I used to do the same. Look online trying to figure out my ex when all the while I had my own work to do. You can be unknowingly triggering your FA and if you're looking to work it out, looking for closure or trying to learn ways to have a more successful relationship next time, you should be looking at yourself too.

[@JB-dk8zc]

@naldec1111 - Is it possible to send you a msg to get your opinion on a FA ex? Your opinions/story resonates with me. I'd rather not broadcast it all over youtube.

[@LeeChrissy]

@@JB-dk8zc absolutely.

[@LeeChrissy]

@@JB-dk8zc not sure if you ever sent the message, but I just realized I don't even know where to look for a message on here. 😆 Is there an inbox somewhere?

[@LeBelEsprit]

@@LeeChrissy I am glad to see you still post under these videos. I made a comment under another Thais's video and was seeing if you could give me advice in my situation. I hope you got notification and will have time to respond. Thanks a million!

[@LeeChrissy]

@@LeBelEsprit oh I didn't get the notification! Can you tag me again?

[@creativesolutions902]

You are so sharp and articulate! You have a way of making me understand myself, but it makes me have mixed feelings as well… Like I will never be able to unravel all of this and not be living this pattern… It’s a strange mix of feeling empowered yet hopeless:-(

[@fabiocosta3306]

And personally if you're a FA and you've been playing with your partner's emotions you really shouldn't be able to be happy in a relationship

[@joyjemmott6278]

@@fabiocosta3306 wow... So helpful. Congratulations

[@fine_Geh]

We had so many chances for him to share his feelings and needs. I would ask him everytime he would withdraw and come back a few days after. When i shared my needs, he'd say i dont appreciate him and will defend and deflect;when i ask him how he felt or what he thinks or wants, he wont share. This lef us down a spiral of doom. Last week, after saying that id love to see him and spend time during the holiday, i asked if that's something hed be interested in doing with me. He applogised for not hqving communicated and said "hes been anxious and uncertain about things and maybe we'll tak tomorrow. Im sorry for not communicating well this weekend" next day he sends me a breakup text 😢 heartbreaking 💔 We were doing so well and were the cusp of starting something substantial (we botj have shown great growth in communication and vunerabilty) and im sad it just ended when we were at over the hump. I miss him

[@fine_Geh]

I asked him if he would reconsider and to not let fear takeover but he said he thinks we should just move on + plus he's now having difficult time with his house. I just wanted to love him 😔

[@fine_Geh]

UPDATE: My ex called me last monday to talk (he broke up with me) and we talked bout what happened... we both shared a lot and theres still a lot of feelings. He even said he "you do it for me" and "I'm crazy about you" . During our call, he asked if we could meet the following day. We did and it went great- we had dinner. Feelings are still there... he kissed my cheek and we naturally squeezed hands whilst saying goodbye. Ive been thinking a lot about him and what we talked about and so has he ( he texted me) but he said he doesn't really have anything new to report but he wanted to check in and say hello. 5 days NC since then as i dont want to ruin any chances of reconciling. It's hard but I'm hopeful. It'll be almost a month since we broke up

[@NT-qd2rs]

​@@fine_Gehwtf is this behaviour? Did he ever reconnected?

[@fine_Geh]

@NT-qd2rs he did. We've gone out 4 times since. Last week, I laid my cards on the table in terms of what I need to sustain a relationship and he shared his. We're meeting on Wed to decide if we should step-up or step-off

[@mint_soup9743]

​@@fine_Gehare you doing well?

[@akasickform]

Thais, you truly are a magnificent person for helping people through this. My only wish is that I could have reached out to her before she burned me and never wants to speak to me again. Im not sure what triggered her, but as you said it was *very abrupt* Possibly the saddest Xmas I will ever experience as not only have I lost the person I was falling for and care very much about, but the pain that now I know that she will likely continue the cycle and never really heal or grow.

[@edgreen8140]

It's not reality based it's a story.

[@wisdombeyondthesky8453]

This is helping me so much. I am SA, my ex is FA. But I have a lot of old AP wounds I'm processing. I do the PDS courses and they are great. I'm learning to give myself the love and empathy that I give to others. Learning about my ex's style helps a lot too. It provides insight.

[@GEOFFAMORTON]

Of course we do. I’ve got a long list of people I’ve treated quite poorly over the years. Some deserved it. Most didn’t. It tended to make sense at the time. I’ve been able to repair some relationships to some degree, but many are just lost to time and I’m not going to reopen old wounds again after all this time.

[@lisa4cohen]

This is me , regret yes .. but I would love to see more info post pandemic .. the border closure and the actual problem that started my fear for un safety was depression and alcoholism and when my person left I was so relieved and so disappointed.. but I just kept on pushing away .. his declaration of sobriety did not feel real, long distance . Borders open and poof I’m curious and not angry and my person is gone and here I sit guilt ridden, ashamed, hurt and watching Thias for the last 6 months. Even signed up briefly and had a therapy session.. I am journaling and working on my fA/Ap side 🙏🏼 So much gratitude for this platform

[@helsphoenix2623]

To me it feels like if I have to ask for what I need from a partner then we're already at a bad place with them not paying attention and so I think what is the point? If I have to ask then I no longer want it from them, the value is diminished. I want them to do whatever it is on their own and asking ruins it. -__- I feel so strongly about this and fight it every single day because I know it is unreasonable. But so often I just end up not asking, and on the few occasions I DO ask the need often goes unmet or is met briefly and then ignored again. And with how hard it was to ask once, I can't bring myself to repeat it, I just withdraw or leave and put them on the long list of untrustworthy people in my life. If I DO ask more than once you know you mean something ultra special to me. Just some insight for whoever might be interested. It's an interesting brain for sure, never a dull moment in here!

[@JoeJoe-lo4bk]

You’re really good

[@gatorssbm]

11:04 is exactly what happened to me and left me so confused cause they were so clingy before that so Id make my best effort to always be available but I had no idea that was going to trigger them 5 weeks in now and I hope I can get the chance to talk to them that Id be fine with any changes even if we just stay friends I just want to help em overcome these deep rooted issues All these videos on fearful avoidants have helped with a ton of insight and I hope Im able to help them, understand and forgive. Itd be a waste to not try knowing theyre a really nice person deep down.

[@solin.pianistsyr1286]

Did they come back?

[@plushannah]

I’m FA and wish my ex would think like that. He is in therapy himself, couldn’t see outside of his pain of me leaving. We were still in honeymoon phase, all sweet but yeah he was just hurt and maybe not fighting for it he thought it’s his self respect. He told me I love but can’t be with you

[@gatorssbm]

@@solin.pianistsyr1286 Oh just saw this because faulty notifs, but yeah! Its been over a year of near constant contact and it seems theyve finally come around to trust me completely its been the happiest decision I made despite there being some minor difficulty at the start. I guess they noticed I wasnt as paranoid anymore and genuinely confident regardless of outcome, this channel is genuinely a life saver for myself and her all the same.

[@gatorssbm]

@@plushannah Damn thats rough because my partner has never said she loves me but I can tell she does by her actions alone. Despite whats happened with your ex he probably does care but it just scares him too much to go on is how I see it. That or as it is right now it wont be compatible (maybe) until you both do some self work but I cant assume that for certain, thats what allowed me to get the tipping point to change with mine but all people are different. But if you do encounter him again more power to you with the knowledge provided from this channel or helps get a better perspective if you chose to seek out a new relationship.

[@anonymousanonymous9797]

Have a beautiful day, awesome people :) sending love and support to all. xx

[@elmeeraraeisi4785]

Thank you for your amazing content. I am a FA in process of becoming secure. It's been a long journey but definitely worth it. Your content helps me get to know myself a lot better. I appreciate your time, energy and knowledge.

[@joymae]

recovered FA here and yes we di

[@ryk7296]

Feeling avoidant and anxious at the same time is the worst feeling in the world. 🤮🤮.

[@marcdriggers3335]

I just talked to my Fa ex today, and asked her if she would unblock me so I could send her a message that I wrote, so that she could understand that I know more now about what she was going through when she broke up with me, and how it all hit me out of the blue, and I took it the wrong way at the time. By me giving her some time and space it allowed me to work on myself, and was also able to learn more about her, and why she was acting the way that she was. I told her that I wanted to try and work on things together, and that if we had communication things could have happened differently. I told her to consider about what I was saying, and to give it some thought. I also told her that if she truly wanted me to move on with my life, I would respect her wishes and would do that. I told her I didn’t want to be with anyone who wasn’t as excited to be with me, as I am with them. I am hoping that she will truly read what I wrote and give it some good thought, and will actually see that I have put in the work to understand myself better, and to also understand where she is coming from as well

[@mimid.6675]

How did it go ?

[@marcdriggers3335]

@@mimid.6675 she unblocked me, and then didn’t say anything. The main thing I was trying to do, was to get her to understand that I realize the things I did in the relationship that could have triggered her in certain ways, even though I didn’t even realize I was doing them. I knew she probably wasn’t going to reply, because she was already talking to someone else, before me and her broke up and we were living together. She ended up dating that guy, that I had suspensions about before we broke up, and she still hasn’t come clean about anything. I am really trying to figure out if she is a FA or if she is BPD because I know they look a lot alike in many ways.

[@SS-in1ts]

@@marcdriggers3335 that’s sucky and sketchy. Hope you heal and move on sooner than later.

[@marcdriggers3335]

@@SS-in1ts I have been doing great, I haven’t talked to her in months nor do o care to. I finally came to the realization that I wasn’t the problem, she was. Of course all relationships have problems, but I didn’t do anything to cause the breakup, that was her own doing.

[@adambrown2226]

@@marcdriggers3335I’m going through exactly what you went through mate even the new guy before we broke up. Heartbreaking shit but I’m glad there’s light at the end of the tunnel

[@dentrout9383]

Not to be a weirdo but you're very Beautiful! Thanks for all that you do. ❤❤❤

[@akshara487]

I am an AP but I don't hold on tight on connections. at least I don't show it because in my life experience I have learned that being needy is seen as a weakness so when i am hurting because the other person doesn't want to commit or give me that quality time and depth I crave. I immediately cut them off. and when i am asked why I am doing so, i usually either act passive aggressive and basically talk about all that is wrong with the other person and it's all on them and how they ruined everything good. I might remember the person later on even cry about them but i won't let them ever know that I feel that way. I also gaslight myself into thinking that it was not that important or the connection is nothing and I wasted my time over someone. I start pushing them away and most of the time I am aware of it. I become brutal and see if they will realise their mistake and will give me what I want but if they don't act fast enough, the doors to my heart close for them forever. I have had 2 friends who saw that side of me and they came back and gave me the reassurance and care I craved. now I feel very secure around them. I can go not talking to them for days but there is no fear. I always know that they are 1 call away and they will always be there for me. I love watching the FA videos because It helps me understand my former lover who was FA. it gives me clarity on why they did what they did and why I did what I did

[@beverlyallred7718]

I relate to so many of the comments here, but my husband is a DA and so many of my insecurities couldn't be addressed because he was feeding into them. It's been two years since I left and I still have regrets. I should've tried harder.

[@Sabreemeplease]

I resonate with this. Can you explain how he was feeding into them, I want to see if it’s along the same lines. I believe my partner does this but it isn’t on purpose.

[@a.r.8954]

I'm so sorry :(. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself if your ex wasn't a self aware DA. They can do a lot of damage with their emotional neglect and need to control the parameters of the relationship. I'm sure you tried as hard as you possibly could.

[@SuZenHealz]

I’m sorry you’re not with someone who consistently triggers you 🫨 ?! Imagine a complete stranger caring more about your health than you do-triggering dis regulates and ravages your health. 💔 With all due, keep healing. You deserve someone who will see you and love you 🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🧘🏽‍♂️🫵😘❤️‍🩹

[@fkaceng]

From all the comments everywhere, it seem like avoidants are terrible monsters. They should form their own tribal village and remain single forever?

[@TheLuckyQui]

At 3:50 you seriously described my ex, makes sense how it seemed like he flipped a switch.

[@PaigeYesLee]

Thank You Thais 😊🙏

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome Paige!

[@ashley8430]

My question is, what happens when 2 FAs are together?? I haven't seen that addressed... Your content and delivery is fabulous by the way. Thank you so much!

[@jenbodhi1133]

I’m in this situation, both FA attachments- we meet up, discuss things and have a great time. Within a couple days one or both of us ends things and we both go no contact for 1-2 months, then someone reaches out- same exact thing happens again, we’ve only seen eachother and talked twice in 3 months. I’m happy when things end because then I can be in my own space again, I’m sure he feels the same, then we miss eachother after about a month of complete silence between us. It’s ok for me, but I can imagine what a nightmare this would be for normal people

[@__CLIFFY__]

I’m curious if the AF good into another relationship after the end of one would they still feel it around the 4-6 week mark?

[@sadogeee4196]

My ex has said she regrets breaking up with me as during that time she was just going through alot but also that she wants me to move on as there is plenty of better women out there for me but also that she isnt confident to make me happy and scared to hurt me. Ive told her i hold no anger towards her as the breakup was 3months ago and being with her for 17months living together for 9 I've gotten to be there during ups and downs. but also now that we are long distance since 4 months ago as shes Japanese and im American it makes things even harder to even Meetup and spend time together :/

[@DancinqtheDream]

Yeah but through this avoidance all the time it triggers in an anxious person a lot too. So the avoidant person can say, oh the anxious treats me like shit to just communicate about stuff, when I don't feel like it and avoid everything, makes the anxious also disappointed and maybe at some point also angry after years. And at the end they say, we just have fights, yes why is that so?

[@mkckf4l]

My wife does all of this. Im not sure what caused her to be FA tho. I know she list her dad at 15 and had 3 marriages before ours where theres was some issues. I just know this hurts and weighs on our kids and it has effected my business etc. Im hoping she shows up to counseling today. She ran 4 times now.

[@TSWaves1]

I think I need help. My ex was the most warm hearted super loving safe woman I've ever had in my life. Then one day I got all of her resentments, she took two days to think it over, then told me it's best we break up, and then I was dumped. I was absolutely blindsided, didn't even have time to process it, went full anxious begging mode. I am now blocked everywhere and discarded. I need any help in the world. Feels like all the love in the world was ripped out of my life and I'm here abandoned. What do I do? Please help.

[@153lies]

you and me buddy, you and me

[@aldarinh]

You can count me too. I loved her 19 years of my life and she was the love of my life. I think I would never love someone again because I was so broken. I dont know how to heal and how long I could endure this pain.

[@martyrolfe4689]

How are you doing now?

[@OsirisNin]

“She was never your girl, it was just your turn.” I’ve been there. Thought I lost the “love of my life” and took me over a year to get over it. It was all an illusion. Don’t give your power to anyone else, including a woman. You don’t need a woman. Find yourself first. Stay single.

[@TSWaves1]

@@OsirisNin Thanks for this reply. I've done quite a lot of healing since this post. It's still absolutely crazy to me that there are men and women out there that can just abandon someone they love or said they loved and simply just never speak to ever again. I could never do this in a million years. It's borderline evil, but I've learned to accept that my ex was not actually in love with me. Nobody will do that to someone they love.

[@Candy_Mountain]

I am FA and finally left after 6 years of being lied to. But I of course look like the monster for acting out in betrayal trauma towards my secretive, lying DA ex and his enmeshed family.

[@Kivlor]

I'm pretty sure I'm FA. I've never been the one to leave, it's always been me being left. And after the first couple weeks or maybe month of sadness (which is normal IMO) no, I don't regret the relationship ending. After that initial period, I came to realize I dodged a bullet every time. Every last one of them ended up making a lot of bad choices afterwards, so I was obviously choosing poorly lol.

[@jais5807]

you don't sound FA.

[@cloudslady3400]

Because I’m aware of FA’s mentality…I told my ex to wait a week after he said he was leaving and that obviously came from a triggered place after I took some space…I guess it triggered his avoidance side I promised him if that’s still his decision after a week fine we will break up..he refused but I’m very satisfied with myself and the way I handled it…no regrets I did my best

[@ericarodriguez786]

I did exactly the same 5 months ago. I asked him to think about it for a week and talk later. He didn't contact me again, so a week later, I contacted him to know his decision and he was cold and mean. He broke up with me.

[@cloudslady3400]

@@ericarodriguez786if he is FA then that coldness is so extreme and will be for three months post breakup…so don’t try to communicate with him or get closure….I know it is hard to deal with the shut off when you need the answers…but mine actually opened up gave me the proper end after a period of time…

[@louyiechen]

My ex has all the attachment haha i think.. All the example you give i experienced that of our 5 year relationship but more on Dismissive avoidant. I was secure before dating avoidant and now im anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant because of him. He just disappeared for no enough reason, crazy! I'll hope he won't feel what i feel post break up now.

[@ollis1270]

I was with a DA, for 2 years. Before I was with a secure for 12 years. I always have been secure primarily. I can tell you those people can really do some damage.

[@sidneyboo9704]

be strong! I really hope you fully heal!

[@user-ot5cb8dc3u]

My long-term partner got triggered and out of now where broke off our engagement, he is so angry and wants nothing to do with me…it’s been 4months…

[@jais5807]

Ive gone NC with my FA for 6 months now. Was thinking about reaching out.. but is it too late?

[@crillxyzperia]

is there any chance we will come back together again? now I understand her side now I really want work our relationship

[@brandonmontemayor8178]

I have a question for you that read this. My past relationship ended a year ago. I fought for months and months. Last I reached out was 2/3 months ago. Since then I’ve had a glow up. I’ve moved so far forward in my life that i couldn’t be more proud and happy. Over the course of the last year, my avoidant ex was gone. With the occasional popping back up wanting to try. I’d allow it and 2 days later she’d run again. But 3 months ago I made the decision to cut it off completely. Glad I did and haven’t seen her since or spoke. I haven’t reached out. Now all of a sudden, she is everywhere. I see her everyday almost. It’s strange and so strange it doesn’t seem like a coincidence. We see eachother and she breaks her neck with a look of shock almost. I just take notice and keep going about my day. But is this a common thing for avoidants? Not to reach out sometime but linger around some way? Not to mention she also unblocks me and looks at my stories then blocks me again. It’s just too much for me to think it’s a coincidence. What do yall think? Seeing her around like this all of a sudden is a bid I’m thinking. Or at the very least curiosity and checking in on me

[@fx4147]

Nice, thanks

[@AccordingToWillow]

of course i regret it lol. i didn’t even understand how much fear was motivating the decision at the time. all i knew is that i ruin every relationship i’ve tried to make work and when i finally found a secure connection i wanted better for him than to be stuck dealing with my bullshit. i didn’t understand i was pushing him away i thought i was giving him a clean break. idk about other FAs but i’ve gotten so much reinforcement from my abusers of the idea that i’m influential to the point of not knowing my own strength. you start to feel like expressing your feelings openly is in itself a form of manipulation, because if you’re saying it to someone who loves you back then their feelings will lead them to change their behavior for you. idk about y’all but that shit makes me feel very guilty. it’s hard to imagine someone would want to alter their life for the purpose of keeping me in it, my instinct is to see that as something i have tricked them into. so i end up abandoning people who care about me because i don’t see my own emotional needs as anything other than a burden to them and a distraction from what they would really want to be doing if i hadn’t interrupted their life. when you fucking hate yourself it’s very difficult to understand that you’re letting people down by not showing up, because to grasp that you first have to accept that people actually want you around.

[@DeborahSkipper-sk4hb]

So with the four attachment styles, what if you kindly break up with them? Will they understand and reflect on your relationship as they do if they do the break up?

[@adamwood87]

too bad my FA ex didn't have a therapist like Thais, who actually knows what they are doing; we might still be together.

[@aspegel5281]

True.

[@danirobi10]

If you make the decision to break up from a regulated state, it’s probably the truth vs doing it in a heated moment.

[@idgaf4684]

When i was more younger, when break up happened i will regret asap anxious side will more show up because i just want to be heard. But my partner just never notice. Then i try to communicate more slowly and it's not working too 😂 because my partner was more anxious. Now i just walk away and numb.

[@stevetragg]

What do you do when you're ex never gave you the break up, still has some form of feelings for you friendzoned you and then months later told you she was in love with someone? I've already weritten two songs and I'm in no contact for 33 days (i broke up with her 60 days ago but screwed up the no contact, we sometimes have limited interactions in the school whatsapp, but I don't see her as we dn't have the same hours) asking ofr a friend of course :p

[@rashidarowe7882]

I am trying to determine exactly what I am. I want love yet I am afraid of it, I always think that they will leave me and I do things to push them away. I don't communicate for hours, I make up stories to keep the relationship exciting, I seek attention outside of the relationship cause I always feel unloved. I don't trust any partners I had because I always think they are cheating on me, I spy on their social media and fabricate stories in my head that their are being unfaithful and I either have to leave them or cheat back, but the ones I really love always ends up leaving me, telling me im crazy and I need therapy 😢

[@NT-qd2rs]

Didn't you think you should DO THERAPY FINALLY? 😅

[@tonym.s.8686]

I am seeing someone for almost one year and I am watching this to see if at some point this relationship can work or ifs better for me stop trying. I am caring but still I can’t see if one day he will fulfill my emotional needs. I don’t know what to do. I rarely find someone I like, I recognize I am so picky but I am realizing that maybe this is too much to bear for me.

[@marcusperdue505]

I think my wife is this , she hasn't spoken to me in 3 months , how long or what do I do to get my wife back out of this

[@bennettstewart3586]

Is it typical for a fearful avoidant to move on right away or leave a relationship for someone when they get triggered. I was in a long- years long relationship with a fearful avoidant partner and had a work change that caused me to be so busy for a couple months that she felt unloved and I didn't realize. We were very happy before but she left very unexpectedly for someone that it felt good with in the moment.

[@jais5807]

​@@LeeChrissythat's disgusting behaviour.

[@jais5807]

@@LeeChrissy you didn't heal a lifetime of shit narcissistic behaviour in 7 months. Don't accuse others of unhealed when you can't even differentiate between decent and shitty behaviour.

[@Manchestertreblewinners]

My ex of three months online dating sent me a letter saying she feels God is taken her and me on different journeys I had a flight booked to go over to see her for 3 weeks we used to spend hours on the phone video chat together watching movies together and spending lots of time together she just dumped me said she will help pay half share of wat I paid but that whilst she is in Malawi she feels God is taking her on a different journey to me wat it all mean

[@veeyouthyful826]

Three months over he never reached out n what’s the chance there

[@leolady8114]

What course would you recommend for a secure person (yet still having FA tendencies) who broke off a relationship with a DA yet are still questioning if it was truly the right decision?

[@aspegel5281]

Why did you end it?

[@leolady8114]

@@aspegel5281 To avoid complete transparency, mainly because the DA was not acknowledging what his attachment style was (considered it Bubble Gum BS essentially) and it became clear that nothing would be worked on

[@joeysauce]

I just don't know what to do. My FA ex of 6 wonderful months suddenly left after feeling like she realized she wasn't ready for the commitment. She believes she's broken and I think she's working on herself and is aware of her FA attachment, but I'm in no contact and just don't know if I should be or should reach out to check in. The break up was almost 5 and a half weeks ago, and she reached out and showed weakness at the 3 week mark but haven't heard from her since. I'm dying inside thinking she might think I'm abandoning her and validating her abandonment issues. Help please 🥺

[@LeeChrissy]

Aww I feel your heartbreak. I'm a FA and she very well might be feeling abandoned if you let her have the break up and aren't fighting for her, but also she may need a ton of space. It's not easy for us at all! I've been doing a ton of work on myself and been back with my guy for 4 months and I'm getting that awful urge to jump ship again. I've already told him I wouldn't blame him for steering clear because I'm a mess. If I don't feel extra loved, I wanna run. If I feel too loved it's smothering and I still wanna run. I hate it here in my head sometimes and like your ex, I feel broken at times. The best thing that my ex did was text a mutual friend that he will always love and cherish me and she showed it to me. This was about 4 months after the last time I left, but it made my heart happy. I don't know your situation, but if there was a lot of love there, I wouldn't hesitate to reach out to tell her that you adore her and let her know you're there if she needs anything. 💗

[@yk6187]

@@LeeChrissy what would you recommend saying to a FA ex? its been almost 6 weeks. I also dw break nc bc itll trigger my attachment wounds if he pushes me away and i get rejected. we dont have mutual friends :(

[@LeeChrissy]

@@yk6187 I guess it depends on the circumstances. What is your attachment style? Can you share a brief synopsis of what happened? For me it would seriously depend on the person and their attachment style. If they are AP and I broke it off, chances are I wouldn't want to see them again because I need a LOT of space and AP's want to see and talk to me more than I'm willing to do. If it's a DA then I tend to form more bonds with them and I would likely want them to reach out.

[@fubao588]

When he pushes, then go do what u want to do

[@ShaunaBass]

If we do the 7 day trial , instead of monthly, can we upgrade to the 3 month package with the code still?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Yes you can :) If you post the code at the 7 day free trial for 25% off it will still honor it! You can also email [e-mail] if you want to add it immediately and didn't add it at the start!

[@ShaunaBass]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you!! Just signed up. ❤️

[@nova12332]

how come nobody says they broke up with a FA and want them back??? but the other way around exists..

[@NT-qd2rs]

Because they are obsessed with power control in relationships and won't let you leave them, they sabotage going deeper into closeness, because they are afraid of being dumped after that stage (basic feeling of unworthiness).

[@bobbydigital9371]

I am a secure who got turned into anxious by my fearful avoidant ex. 1 month of no contact but she blocked me on everything so I don’t know how I am ever supposed to reach out. We are supposedly on a break and not totally broken up but who knows. I’m confused.

[@GazaFloatilla]

Should dump her on principle

[@Maverick-uh5tu]

any updates? i am in same situation right now!!

[@13thbornpr]

My ex is an emotionally immature person. I believe she is a FA. I can tell you i seldom felt that my needs were met. She would always want her needs met tho. It was difficult because the communication was mostly on the surface. She never talked about her feelings and expectations. I endured fits that i often didnt understand where they were coming from. I learned to distance myself from the relationship and it kind of worked since she's probably an avoidant like i said. But what happened is i missed important stuff in her life. Like her grandmas funeral. Or a visit to see her sick sister with her. Things like that. She never invited me though. She left me out of the blue blaming me for almost everything. I could sense the fear in her. As if she now saw me as a danger to her feelings. I appologized for hurting her and that i did not know nor want any of this. She told me it was my role as a boyfriend to know how she felt. I answered that i'm not a mind reader. So anyway i was devastated to say the least. I tried to make sense of it and explain to her that it was a mistake for like a month. I probably pushed her so far away. She did say she still cares for me but lost intimate feelings. I'm now in no contact. I doubt she will ever reach out. I realize i'm better off but i still want her back if she could only realize how she is and what she did.

[@JeffreydelosSantosINFP]

bro, she didnt had feelings anyways, they get so bored of relashionship afther the honeymoon, you are not the only one, i did the same as you, i was giving her space all the time, but then we feel like we are not in a relashionship, they dont care if you dont talk to them, is crazy, they wont invite you to anything, just friends, family events, but the boyfriend is the last thing they think of , is this what we deserve? so lets move on

[@hmanfilms]

How likely is an FA to reach out after dumping someone due to activation. Sounds like they typically feel relief and elation but then start to experience nostalgia and regret around 4-8 weeks depending on how they lean. What if the other partner gave three the breakup and didn’t beg or plead, and sent them a nice message offering support and said to reach out down the line if they change mind?

[@LeeChrissy]

I'm a FA and it depends on the situation and who it is. For the most part, when I've broken up with someone, I wanted it to be over. I've only broken it off with one person who I regretted doing it to. We are back together now, but I've pushed him away a few times. Sometimes I reach out, sometimes he does. After the last time I pushed him away, I expected him to move on from me, but he reached several months later and we are giving it another go. It's been going great, BUT we we were talking about our past relationships (we were close friends before we dated) and in that conversation something was said that triggered me. He doesn't know. Now I'm fighting every last bit of me not to leave again. Like I already have the conversation played out in my head. Being a FA can legit make you feel crazy and he's a DA so I can be easily triggered anytime with him. So to answer your question, if you gave me the break-up, I would take that as you didn't care enough to want to make it work. That would be if I was in love with you. If I wasn't in love, then your response was perfect and I'd appreciate the space. Do you know what your relationship style is?

[@hmanfilms]

I feel like she was in love with me (at one point) and I genuinely feel that. But again, could have just been for small moments. She pushed me away and tried breaking up with me twice, so on the second time I just told her I think it’s the right decision and wanted to give her the space she wanted. I’m hoping she comes back around after having some NC for 2-3 months. I told her I feel like I tried and said all I could for us to repair things and move forward together, but she was very convicted in ending things. I honestly have no idea the odds she’ll come back are.

[@hmanfilms]

Also when you say “didn’t care enough to make it work” are you talking to if you did the dumping and they gave you the breakup? I didn’t want to keep fighting for her when it felt like she didn’t want to try or fight for me. I was feeling so low that I just felt like I should just give her the breakup to experience it and see if that’s what she really wanted.

[@LeeChrissy]

@@hmanfilms yes that's what I was talking about. Again it depends on who it is, but if I was still in love with the person I was pushing away and he didn't offer up anything to try and make us work, it would confirm what I already felt, that I wasn't loved enough. If she's truly a FA, then she might not make the first move.

[@hmanfilms]

@@LeeChrissy I already apologized, offered solutions to make us work better, and gave her a week of space. I told her I didn’t know what else I could say or try to get us back to a good spot, and if she wanted to end things that I respected it. I could tell she still wanted me to fight for her, but honestly, it felt manipulative. She pushed me away and broke my trust and ended the relationship, I can’t be expected to beg her back, that’s self abandonment and disrespectful to me. I gave her the breakup. Sometimes FAs who make their bed need to lay in it. Actions have consequences. Especially when it comes to other peoples hearts and mental health. It breaks my heart she would do this, but I’m not damaging myself to convince someone I’m worthy of healthy and consistent love. This is the rude awakening she needs. She’s lost me forever lol. Blocked on everything and never returning. Will erase her from my memory and forgive her without reconciliation and wish her well.

[@maclegend9169]

I understand what you're saying, but what do the victims of FAs pushing away DO about it? Like esrlier this week we were having an amazing time, then literally the next day I'd "invalidated their feelings consistently" and they ended the casual arrangement we had very aggressively. So what do I do? I haven't responded because it was so abrupt and toxic. But should I just say "okay I'm sorry you feel this way, if you want this to end then i respect your decision" and wait??

[@kadirisik7760]

I am exactly in the same situation. Apparently, there is nothing that we can do but just wait. And the odds are not in our favour. Ideally, we should just move on and forget about them which ofc is not as easy as said. But also it is a decision to be made. Wait or not wait? No one will advise waiting for them. Why would they?

[@maclegend9169]

@@kadirisik7760 Well weirdly with my FA, they responded the day after, saying they regret what they said. I think the result will depend on whether they are more avoidant or more anxious. Mine is more anxious. And I think a lot of it was self sabotage (push people away before they hurt me logic). We are getting along great now because I have remained consistent and kind.

[@kadirisik7760]

​@@maclegend9169 I am very for both of you. After 2 weeks mark dating this girl, she told me she regret what she said after telling me she needed time and space. Then she broke up with me saying she didn't develop feelings which I don't believe. I am in NC for 2 weeks now and realized what's going on in her world as a FA. But yea nothing changes. Even though I want her to know that I understand I am not sure if it is gonna help anything. She is for sure more anxious leaning as well. At the moment, I just wait. I hope your partner is willing to work on their issues and you be happy together.

[@Tr1gg3rbunny]

@@kadirisik7760 Hey, sorry to ask you this but how are you doing now? Did you move on or are you still waiting? Did she reach out to you or did you try reaching out to her already?

[@HealingHappyAli]

@Faltallon 😅 Funny and very much NOT! This is why I was surprised to get an equal DA to FA. The "get as far away as possible, because it gets the pain away." I'm so sorry I hurt you. Your DA triggered *unworthy, *unwanted. I hates the pain, not you ♡

[@michaelmich00]

8:30 not true, lot of FA's live in doubt 24/7 and thinking about the same negative thing in a spiral doesnt mean its a calculated decision. most of the times its still out of emotions which got triggered and the FA didnt talk about and kept thinking of it. communication is the problem for FA's

[@trenicejohnson15]

My husband of 4 years got really triggered and blurted out that he wanted a divorce 1 weeks before the birth of our second daughter. I’m not sure how to handle this. Give him what he asked for or show his this video. I don’t know. (I am an AP)

[@yamieden4350]

See they are so insensitive and harsh. It's like we bring out the worst in one another. For some time I did see that some of my reactions could have been better, but with all the back and forth and breaking up with me for anything and inconsistent behavior I'm unsure if I over reacted. I was fed up and tired of being patient loving understanding and sweet. I wish I asked more questions but some times would feel afraid another argument would happen and I wanted peace

[@trenicejohnson15]

@@yamieden4350 did you leave the relationship?

[@yamieden4350]

@@trenicejohnson15 he left me for the like 4th time

[@keshakellogg5995]

@Trenice Same situation! My ex-husband (avoidant) also told me he thought our marriage was over 1 month before I birthed our first child. No warning. Just want to let you know you're not alone. It's so hard because this is one of the most vulnerable and challenging times in your life, not to mention the wild hormone fluctuation. Find a solid support community and DON'T HAVE A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP (that can backfire-- I learned the hard way). We ended up going to lots of therapy and ending it a year later. You're already ahead by knowing your attachment style! Handle it just like you would someone who told you they don't want you: "I love you, and I accept your decision. Goodbye." Coach Craig Kenneth, The Love Fix, and The Love Chat channels have great advice. All the best to you! 💓

[@trenicejohnson15]

@@Polly1589 it’s sick ! I’m sorry you’re going through this

[@schylerjohnson9216]

My ex of 3 years made the decision to break up from an “unregulated place” 100% let’s see if this theory is true and if she comes back

[@margaretschmidt4283]

In the same boat and wondering if mine will. My ex of four years. Fled because we had to make a decision about living together. He gave other vague reasons

[@schylerjohnson9216]

@@margaretschmidt4283 I’ve been there too! They seem to have a reason then also come up with more reasons and fault find. They seem to paint you black when you were once golden

[@hoodsims9965]

In short, stay far tf away from these types of people 👌🏾

[@Joey-lg6qn]

🎉😢

[@shortingthetrend]

First like and comment!

[@ApostleThe344]

6 montgs.... not 6 weeks

[@jessicawang1941]

As much as I love these videos and wanted to learn, I have to say that Thais is the person I know who speaks the fastest on earth 😅I tried so hard to focus and understand what she was saying, as English is not my first language. And my stomach aches as I felt so nervous, anxious and intense when I am listened to her🥲 Sorry, but that's how I truly felt.

[@dustinquinton]

I’m FA and have never regretted leaving a relationship. The reason why is, for example, I told my ex wife what I needed. I communicated, but she didn’t respond. After four marriage counselors in a 2 yr period, no changing, I was done.

[@jais5807]

An FA wouldn't get that far or wait that long. You're unlikely to be FA.

[@dustinquinton]

@@jais5807 what am I then? I’ve researched and I check every FA box, except having boundaries and communicating (telling what I want/need). Am I 100 percent FA? No, but probably 90 percent. I do want to go to a counselor to find out for sure.

[@a.4963]

I'm an FA who was with an AP on and off. I'd get triggered by their protest behaviors but would regret it, miss him, and come back. But I'm just so tired of this dynamic. I found someone new and healthier, and I'm not coming back this time. I think it's important to keep in mind that while it's often not just any specific person's fault for a relationship not working out, just because an FA (or another attachment style) didn't react healthily doesn't mean the other person doesn't have room to improve. There were times when I should have communicated directly instead of leaving, but I didn't feel safe to be emotionally open and communicative because of his protest behaviors, and those behaviors are unhealthy and push people away to begin with

[@yamieden4350]

I get confused. I thought I was anxiously preoccupied but actually became that way in my toxic relationship with him. I will admit sometimes after so much confusion, lies, hot and cold behavior and silence and space with no reason I began to get very irritated and may have perhaps lashed out perhaps 3 or 4 times in our 4 yr relationship. I still feel like saying nothing at all was not the answer. He was extremely insane and disnt make sense and very mean and co trolling and yelled anytime I had even the smallest facial expression. So I still feel justified and am unsure if that was protest behavior. Looking back I guess I should have just left and broken up the first time

[@user-st8ko3wu2b]

You're making it sound like the AP "started it," and that's usually incorrect. Most APs don't manifest protest behaviors if they're with someone secure; they manifest them *in response to* FA/DA protest behaviors. I'm an SA and only ever have AP impulses when with an FA or DA. I'm sure there are some seriously insecure APs out there, and maybe that's how your ex was. But I've read so many comments from FAs and DAs just like yours that are due to (at best) misunderstanding or (at worst) refusal to take responsibility. So on the off chance it's one of these issues, it's important for you as an FA to recognize that you triggered them, and they triggered you in response. You're clearly taking *some* amount of responsibility here, but you're also making it sound like your ex was mostly to blame, and I think you could benefit from more accountability here.

[@hi-ls6lt]

@@user-st8ko3wu2b I’m sorry but have you seen most of the comments from those with avoidant attachments about FAs? They make it sound like the latter should be locked up while refusing to acknowledge that BOTH attachment styles are unhealthy. Equally as unhealthy as each other.

[@user-st8ko3wu2b]

@@hi-ls6lt I'm not sure I'm following how the way DAs (people with dismissive avoidant attachment) see FAs (people with fearful avoidant attachment) is a response to what I wrote. Did you mean how APs (folks with anxious attachment) see FAs? I absolutely agree that many APs act like FAs are evil, when they're not. And I agree that both anxious and avoidant attachments are unhealthy. But it's important to acknowledge that just as APs are capable of coming across as insane to a DA or FA, DAs and FAs are capable of coming across to APs as extremely cruel. So when APs say harsh things about FAs, it's coming from a place of extreme hurt. It also probably comes from the fact that many avoidants (including FAs, but ESPECIALLY DAs) struggle with self-awareness to the point that they won't even have conversations like this and instead straight up deny they might have an insecure attachment and blame any hurt or conflict disproportionately (or even entirely) on the AP.

[@RobVogt-xi6xb]

Why can’t we just hold them the way they deserve to be held? FA need to be loved - like our children.

[@rob_see]

that's what i want to do, i am just confused as to whether or not she wants me. she disappears and then reappears, last time i saw her she was saying some really nice things to me and it felt like we were breaking through a barrier, and then she goes ghost again, texts me out of the blue, and then goes ghost again. it's so confusing. i am just giving her space and allowing her to come to me in her time if she wants to. it's tough for me because i want to be with her, and it seems like she wants to be with me sometimes, but it never moves forward. i know she has been going through a lot of shit lately like quitting one of her jobs and having a fall out with her boss, thanksgiving just happened, so i am doing my best to be patient and give her space to process all of this. in short, i am doing my best to give her what she deserves without making her feel smothered.

[@gregorystinette8271]

I don't regret anything ; even my dog doesn't chase her own tail. Shalom