Are Gay Guys Selective Like Women Are?

[@bradlybradshaw5972]

For me it's about monogamy. I have found that most gay men are not into it. Living in Los Angeles.

[@alexanderpons9246]

I think both perspectives are present with us gay Man, on one hand we are more physical attraction driven so appearances and Hot Level comes to play and with Apps it seems as it getting magnified. Yet there are those of us Gay Man who also look and consider other aspects such as status.

[@kr6033]

As we move towards a progressive society and away from labels with wives that are breadwinners and husbands as stay at home dads I always felt uncomfortable with gay men seeking to label themselves based on what happens in the bedroom. BTW if a I had to choose I would say “tops” can be more selective given there seems to be fewer of them in America. When I’m in Europe for the most part things feel less confined to these hard labels (no pun intended 😂) not always but less so than in the US. We all have preferences but I think true love and excitement includes mystery, surprise, and spontaneity…being up for what works in the moment.❤

[@KevenTalks]

Oh interesting - see I feel outside the U.S. that men have more "traditional" mindsets and therefore are more black and white with sexuality (either a total top, or total bottom, etc)

[@rdelamadrid]

I think it's age and generation dependent. When I was in my 20s and 30s and into my early 40s, I was not looking for a relationship. I wanted to be free to have fun and not be tied down. The next best thing could be about to walk through the door, so I wanted to keep my options open. And, for me, that was to focus only on who was sexually attractive to me. I didn't care if he was dumb or smart, nice or not nice, educated or not, how much money he had, etc. I was just looking to get laid. I didn't have a serious, long term relationship until I was in my mid 40s. And that happened with someone I met at a new years eve party the old school way. I was attracted to him, but I also liked the fact that he and I had many interests in common, similar sense of humor, similar taste and similar education and socioeconomic levels. As time goes on, physical attributes matter less to me (probably because I realize that the older I get the less of that I will have to offer myself). I got the sleeping around out of the way on the front end so now I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

[@KevenTalks]

Makes sense. Glad you got the libido action out of your system ;)

[@rdelamadrid]

@@KevenTalks I had to. There was never going to be room in my life for a relationship until I did.

[@spencermarkham1]

They certainly are narcissistic!

[@benconnolly4258]

Think that’s why many gay men are single, because if they don’t ✅ ever box in their list of qualities they. It’s a automatic NO😒😒

[@toms5996]

I think all the gays complaining on what 'gay dating' is has nothing about gay dating as such. The fact that ALL the guys have access have dating apps can have the experience that quite a few have. But just like before, men who are educated have their own circle. In other words - nothing has changed. Except I think in the past 20+ years more gay couples have children and similar to what was thought as traditional straight couples. The complaints of gays saying things like 'gay couples wanting open relationships', or young guys not finding partners is nonsense. It's such the surface of the 20 somethings lol Most my gay couples are married with children - like straight couples. Perhaps it's a Nordic thing.

[@OLDS98]

I have been watching your videos Keven. I just have not had anything to say lately.

[@l4xx03luyf6l0to]

❤

[@Emanuel-uh1uo]

Is this a repost? I felt like I've seen this video before but it shows you uploaded like an hour ago

[@KevenTalks]

I made it as a short too, lol - experimenting with formats 😅

[@Emanuel-uh1uo]

@KevenTalks oh ok...I knew I've seen it before lol...I love ur vids and identify with the topics...im guessing its because youre a millenial like me...anyway I'm a new subscriber...please keep them coming

[@KevenTalks]

@@Emanuel-uh1uo Welcome aboard! :)

[@kuransays]

Deja vu? 😅

[@FreeSpeech-q7v]

😮😅😊

[@luminiferous1960]

I think the selectivity of men and women, whether straight or queer, is more nuanced than your original generalization. I think both men and women, whether straight or queer, are selective, but with different selection criteria. The following discussion of what I think are the different selection criteria are generalizations just as your original statements, but I think they are at least one step forward in terms of nuance. Men tend to be more selective about physical appearance than women. Several studies using brain imaging techniques have shown that men tend to exhibit greater activation in brain regions associated with visual processing when exposed to sexual stimuli, suggesting their sexual and romantic desires are more visually driven compared to women; this is often observed in areas like the amygdala and hypothalamus, which are involved in processing visual information and arousal. According to psychological and sociological studies, men generally prioritize physical attractiveness and signs of good health as the most important criteria when selecting a romantic partner. However, it's important to remember that individual preferences vary greatly and not all men will prioritize these traits equally. This male selectivity based on appearance seems to be true for straight, bisexual and gay men based on anecdotal evidence, but I do not know if that is confirmed by any scientific studies. Women tend to be more selective about the capability of their partner to provide support and stability, both emotionally and economically. Appearance can be one of many factors by which women assess their potential partners ability to provide support and stability, but it is usually not the most important factor. According to multiple studies, women generally prioritize kindness, emotional supportiveness, intelligence, and financial stability as the most important criteria when selecting a romantic partner, with kindness consistently ranking as the top trait across various cultures and demographics. This means that while physical attractiveness may play a role, it is often considered less important than personality qualities like kindness and reliability.

[@KevenTalks]

Thanks for sharing! It sounds like you're implying that it's more about gender than sexuality - aka gay men would fall into the first group? Reading this, I related to both the description for men and women 🫠 (but if I had to pick one, I care more about #2's emotional nurturance, support, etc than #1's physical appearance).

[@luminiferous1960]

@@KevenTalks In terms of application of #1 to gay men as well as to straight men, as I said the evidence is anecdotal. It is also perhaps a perception influenced by the portrayal of gay men in the media, but also by their behavior on dating apps and in social media, which you alluded to in the video. I think scientific studies of this are needed. There also needs to be a distinction between initial selection criteria before getting to know a potential mate, and the final selection criteria after getting to know the potential mate. I think the brain studies, psychological studies, and sociological studies I mentioned are compelling evidence that for initial selection for a potential romantic partner, physical appearance is a much stronger driver for men than for women. Of course, this does not mean that it holds for all men nor all women. I think once men get to know their potential romantic partners, then the other attributes such as nurturing, emotional support, kindness, shared values, etc. become important final selection criteria unless the man is just looking for a sexual partner. This may also be related to your "wide net" theory for men in that they cast a wide net in order to have a wide pool of candidates to first select the attractive candidates to get to know until they find a candidate that is attractive and has some of the #2 attributes as well. In the conventional heteronormative dating process, which is being followed less and less, but still is followed in many cases, the man is expected to take the lead and initiate contact. In that case, the man only has physical appearance to go by for the initial selection, but the woman has the luxury of assessing the man by not only his physical appearance, but also his personality exhibited in his initial approach to her. If the guy in his initial approach comes off as a jerk, she is likely to reject him even if he is attractive. For homosexuals, there is no established social convention for who should take the lead in initiating contact, so that the person who initiates contact is probably more determined by personality than by social role expectation. That raises the question, are those with extroverted personalities, who would be more likely to initiate contact, more likely to select whom to contact initially based on appearance? That seems to me to be a reasonable conjecture since prior to initial contact what other attributes could be known to the person initiating the contact. Conversely, does the more introverted homosexual who is likely to wait to be contacted, base their acceptance or rejection of the initial contact primarily on the contactor's appearance or on personality cues from the contactor's approach? Possibly the latter, since they will have more cues to go on than just the person's appearance. This train of thought leads me to believe, perhaps the difference in at least initial selectivity criteria may often be determined by whether one is the initiator or recipient of first contact in pursuit of a romantic relationship rather than on one's gender. Since in heteronormative tradition, the straight male has been expected to be the initiator and the straight woman has been expected to be the recipient of the first contact, this might explain the differences between the selection methods and criteria between the two heteronormative cis-genders found in the studies. Thus, the true underlying determinant of the initial selection criteria is who is the initiator and who is the recipient of first contact, not their gender. The gender bias is a result of the heteronormative social convention that males are the initiator and females are the recipient. Homosexuals are not subject to this heteronormative social convention, so that whether a homosexual is an initiator or a recipient would be more likely determined by the homosexual's personality rather than gender.

[@luminiferous1960]

@@KevenTalks In terms of application of #1 to gay men as well as to straight men, as I said the evidence is anecdotal. It is also perhaps a perception influenced by the portrayal of gay men in the media, but also by their behavior on dating apps and in social media, which you alluded to in the video. I think scientific studies of this are needed. There also needs to be a distinction between initial selection criteria before getting to know a potential mate, and the final selection criteria after getting to know the potential mate. I think for men, the initial selection criterion is primarily appearance. I think once men get to know their potential romantic partners, then the other attributes such as nurturing, emotional support, kindness, shared values, etc. become important final selection criteria unless the man is just looking for a sexual partner. In the conventional heteronormative dating process, which is being followed less and less, but still is followed in many cases, the man is expected to take the lead and initiate contact. In that case, the man only has physical appearance to go by for the initial selection, but the woman has the luxury of assessing the man by not only his physical appearance, but also his personality exhibited in his initial approach to her. If the guy in his initial approach comes off as a jerk, she is likely to reject him even if he is attractive. For homosexuals, there is no established social convention for who should take the lead in initiating contact, so that the person who initiates contact is probably more determined by personality than by social convention. That raises the question, are those with extroverted personalities, who would be more likely to initiate contact, more likely to select whom to contact initially based on appearance? That seems to me to be a reasonable conjecture since prior to initial contact, what other attributes could be known to the person initiating the contact. Conversely, does the more introverted homosexual, who is likely to wait to be contacted, base their acceptance or rejection of the initial contact primarily on the contactor's appearance or on personality cues from the contactor's approach? Possibly the latter, since they will have more cues to go on than just the person's appearance. This train of thought leads me to believe, perhaps the difference in at least initial selectivity criteria may often be determined by whether one is the initiator or recipient of first contact in pursuit of a romantic relationship rather than on one's gender. Since in heteronormative convention, the straight man has been expected to be the initiator and the straight woman has been expected to be the recipient of the first contact, this might explain the differences between the selection methods and criteria between the two heteronormative cis-genders found in the studies. Thus, the true underlying determinant of the initial selection criteria is who is the initiator and who is the recipient of first contact, not their gender. The gender bias is a result of the heteronormative social convention that men are the initiators and women are the recipients. Homosexuals are not subject to this heteronormative social convention, so that whether a homosexual is an initiator or a recipient would be more likely determined by the homosexual's personality rather than gender.

[@luminiferous1960]

@@KevenTalks In terms of application of #1 to gay men as well as to straight men, as I said the evidence is anecdotal. It is also perhaps a perception influenced by the portrayal of gay men in the media, but also by their behavior on dating apps and in social media, which you alluded to in the video. I think scientific studies of this are needed. There also needs to be a distinction between initial selection criteria before getting to know a potential mate, and the final selection criteria after getting to know the potential mate. I think for men, the initial selection criterion is primarily appearance. I think once men get to know their potential romantic partners, then the other attributes such as nurturing, emotional support, kindness, shared values, etc. become important final selection criteria unless the man is just looking for a sexual partner.

[@luminiferous1960]

@@KevenTalks Actually, I think the selection criteria are more about who is the initiator and who is the recipient of first contact when seeking a romantic partner. The initiator of first contact usually only has appearance to go by to determine who to contact unless it is a set-up as in a blind date, for example, or in the case of being able to read detailed personality profiles in dating apps. The recipient of first contact usually has cues from the initiator's approach in making first contact that allow some initial assessment of the initiator's personality attributes. Because in heteronormative social convention, men are expected to be the initiators and women are expected to be the recipients, this difference in selection criteria available to initiators and recipients of first contact is exhibited as differences between the genders. For homosexuals, no such social convention applies, so who is the initiator and who is the recipient of first contact is likely to be determined by personality type rather than by gender or social convention.